Len Goodman's Perfect Christmas

Hello everyone, I'm Len Goodman.

Relax, it's Christmas! The paddles are put away,

no-one's getting points tonight.

I'm just putting my feet up and enjoying my perfect Christmas.

It's Christmas!

CHEERING

# Gifts I'm preparing

# For some Christmas sharing

# But I pause because

# Who's there? Who is it?

# Stopping for a visit?

# 'Zat you, Santa Claus? #

Ah-ho-ho-ho!

It's only here again - Christmas.

I absolutely love it.

Plotted up by the tree,

glass of bubbly, bowl of nuts, bit of cheese,

all set to enjoy the day.

But I tell you what, it's been a bit of a slog getting here, hasn't it?

There's cards to write, decorations to put up,

presents to buy, walnuts to pickle, parties to go to...

Actually, that bit's all right.

I'm a party person.

Talking about Christmas, we had our Christmas party the other night.

-Oh, yeah?

-Up the club.

-Yeah.

Funny old do it was, funny old do.

-It's always the same, every year, you know.

-Yeah.

Always takes the form of an egg and...

Egg and, what, egg and spoon race?

No. No, takes the form of an eg...

-Egon Ronay banquet?

-No. No.

-An egg and chips supper.

-Oh, yeah.

Egg and chips supper. Oh, yeah.

I always take the wife along, cos she's very useful for laying the...

-Laying the eggs?

-No, no.

Oh, no, no, no. Very useful for laying the...

What, laying the foreman? What?

LAUGHTER

-No?

-No! Laying the table!

-Oh, laying the table.

-She lays the table!

-Oh, right, I see.

-Ally!

-Hello, Mark.

Fabulous party.

-Well, a party is only as good as its guests.

-Oh!

Have you met Simon?

-No. Hello, I'm Ally.

-Hello, I'm Simon Green.

I'm managing director of Hobson's.

Oh, nice to meet you.

I'm just on my way to the kitchen. Can I get anyone a drink?

-OK, I'll have a lager.

-OK.

-Yeah, I'll have a Coke. Thanks.

OK, would you like me to take your hat?

LAUGHTER

I'm sorry?

Would you like me to hang your hat up?

It's getting quite warm in here.

I'm not wearing a hat.

Hmm?!

No, I didn't mean THAT!

That's not a hat!

That's your...hair.

# Might like to know

# He's put a great big smile

# On somebody's face... #

Love this song.

SHE SHRIEKS

Doreen, Doreen, shall I do my trick now?

Oh... No, Colin.

I think you'd probably regret it tomorrow when you come to work.

You know, you're so funny, anyway,

you don't need to do that sort of thing.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the thing is, all the lights'll be off.

Nobody will know it's me.

Colin, who else here is likely to take all their clothes off

and colour in their private parts with a fluorescent marker

and dance on the table?

Maybe you're right! I am the maddest person here!

"The bells, the bells, they're driving me crazy!"

-Colin, you do make me laugh.

-Here, watch this.

# Make 'em laugh

# Make 'em laugh Do-do-do... #

LAUGHTER

HE WHISTLES

But for some people,

the run-up to Christmas is like a military operation.

Oh, the women...the women.

You can see they get that, sort of, organisational look in their eye.

Just completely obsessed with planning.

"I've got to get ready, I've got to get ready.

"I've got so much to think about."

It happens, I think, at the final firework on Fireworks Night.

When you have the finale...

Then the smoke clears and you see all the woman going,

"Christmas!"

LAUGHTER

"Got to start getting ready for Christmas, now.

"Christmas is coming.

"Don't talk to me, I'm thinking, I'm planning. I need...

"There's so much to do, darling!"

I have been slaving for weeks on the Christmas chart.

I have bought enough food to last until January 19,

because your father thinks we might get snowed in.

I haven't done that kind of panic buy

since Labour won the election in '97.

As of yesterday, the chart includes the perfect Boxing Day ramble

and a root vegetable appendix section.

So should I die,

you'll know how to make parsnip soup.

-Quickly now, dear.

-Oh, all right.

-Think hard, you've only got one minute left.

-All right.

-OK, a luxury ladies' and gents' car coat.

-Yes.

-Erm...a cuddly toy. Cuddly toy!

-Yes.

Oh, you put music in it. It does music...

-Gramophone thing!

-Yes.

-Erm, cuddly toy, I've said that.

-Yes.

-Oh, two tickets for Phantom of the Opera.

-Good.

-Oh, kiddies' pencil case set.

-Yes.

Drinking, drinking...

Champ... Champagne.

-What about the dogs?

-Oh, dog leashes and basket.

-Yes, yes.

Cuddly toy, I've said. Weekend break to the Isle of Man.

-Yes.

-A towel set.

-Cleaning up, you'll need to clean up.

-Oh, Dustbuster!

-Good.

-Hurry! Hurry!

-Oh, don't!

-Ice cream maker.

-Yes.

-Cuddly toy!

-That's it, sorry.

-Oh, no!

-That's the deadline.

-I've forgotten the mixer.

-That is your Christmas list for this year.

-All right.

LAUGHTER

To be honest, I can't stay like this, done up like a dog's dinner.

I mean, it's Christmas.

I've got to relax. I've got to chill out a bit.

Hold on a minute, will you?

Oh, that's better!

Of course, for the perfect Christmas, you need a tree.

But it can't be just any old tree.

It's got to be the one absolutely perfect,

just right, tickle your fancy,

knock your socks off Christmas tree.

I tell you what, good luck with that!

Plastique?

It's very realistic.

I'm prepared to suspend my disbelief for Father Crimbo, darling,

but not for that bare old hairbrush. Come on!

It's ecological.

Until you burn it!

Hideous, sweetheart, hideous. Anyway, I've...

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

-What have you done?

-Nothing.

CHAIN SAW ROARS No, it's a surprise!

No! It's a surprise!

-Let me in.

-It's a surprise!

-Mum, let me in!

-No.

There you go.

I had to take the top off, to fit it in.

-Two for the price of one!

-Oh, thank you. Cheers.

See you, then.

Cor, it didn't look that big in the forest, darling.

Anyway, it would just have ended up as cheap furniture in IKEA

if it wasn't here, darling. I promise you.

We've got such a lot to look forward to.

There's a concert coming up and the carol service and the tree.

Yes, very useful, that tree.

-Useful?

-Yeah, for stashing Christmas contraband.

All them dingly-danglies hide a multitude of sins, you know.

Even the fairy on the top's got 2oz of tobacco stuffed up her tutu.

-Turning the lights on now, then, Margaret.

-Ooh, lovely.

-You ready then?

-Yes, yes.

Turning them on now, dear.

Michael, for goodness' sake!

SHE SCREAMS

SHE SCREAMS AGAIN

SHE SCREAMS ANEW

SHE SCREAMS ONCE MORE

-I'm just popping out.

-SHE SCREAMS AGAIN

It is estimated that, every year,

British men spend 60 million man-hours

decorating Christmas trees by hand.

Now, we like to pretend that it is a joyous, tinselly communion

in the bosom of the family.

But it isn't. Let's be honest, it's dullsville.

So I asked Sim, our Socrates of the socket set,

to bring some military thinking to bear on this problem.

Loaded.

-Pressurise.

-Charge.

Full bar, fire at will.

THEY LAUGH

Well, that's one way of getting your baubles

into them hard-to-reach places.

It's all right for most of us.

Come Christmas Eve, the hard work's done

and it's all downhill to Albert Square.

But if you wear your collar back to front,

things can get very stressful.

Yes, even the most righteous among us

can snap like a Communion wafer.

# On the first day of Christmas my true love sent to me...

# Five gold rings... #

No, no, he didn't.

# Ten office parties

# 5,000 mince pies

# 45 hospital visits

# One multi-faith ecumenical event

# Too much to do!

# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies

# More mince pies

# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies

# More mince pies

# And they cost 2.90 for six

# Can you believe that?

# Mince pies, mince pies, mince pies

# More mince pies

# Can you believe it?

# Five gold rings! #

But once you've made it through Midnight Mass, it's job done.

Have a rest, get a bit of kip.

Now, it's all up to the big guy in the red suit.

MUSIC: "The First Noel"

LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Bear with me, guv, I'm working.

O', o', o'. Merry Christmas.

-Did you send me a letter?

-Yes.

-That's right, I remember.

-What was it you asked me for again?

-An Xbox.

-That's right, I remember.

Now, I don't want to disappoint you,

but I reckon the Xbox is a bit pie in the sky, like.

You'd be better off lowering your expectations.

I'm thinking Sega Mega Drive, maybe a PlayStation 1.

But when you open it, try and look surprised, cos your mother's been

through enough this year without you sulking all over the shop.

Now, let's get you all tucked up

and I'll tell you the story of Father Christmas.

Now, every Christmas Eve, Santa loads up his sled with

presents that his little elves have been busy making all year long.

Then, he hitches up his reindeer, flies from his grotto in Jalandhar,

-to deliver gifts...

-Where's his grotto?

-Jalandhar.

-But I thought Santa lives in the North Pole.

-India!

Father Christmas - Indian! Think about it.

Big beard, huge belly, terrible suit - Indian!

Last year was a disaster.

I put me stocking up and all I've got was a pair of Odor-Eaters.

I hope what I get what I want this year. Did you?

Good morning, Your Majesty. Christmas again, eh? What joy.

-Don't you just love it?

-No, I hate it.

In fact, I've just abolished it.

-I'm sorry?

-I'm going to block up the chimneys,

burn all the crackers and kill anyone I see carrying a present.

Oh. Ha-ha-ha.

What's that, Edmund?

This?

It's a window.

-A window?

-Yes, but you seem to have one here, so, sorry.

Well, so much for that.

-BALDRICK:

-Oh!

So your present to us is a goat?

Yeah.

The desert is encroaching on Sub-Saharan villages

and for them, a goat makes a huge difference.

So it's a present to the Sub-Saharans?

Well, no, it's yours. But it's them who get to use it.

-So it's definitely my goat.

-Yeah.

-Actually, Karen, if you don't mind...

-All right, then.

-Oh, you shouldn't have bothered.

-Can't afford it.

-No.

Actually, have a look at them first, mate.

Oh.

-The loom.

-I can safely say...

that, on the right occasion,

these will be the perfect things to wear.

What occasion will that be?

Can't think of it, at the moment, but they're lovely.

This is for me, is it? Isn't that beautiful.

I'm going home now.

"To the best dad and husband in the world,

"from your loving family."

Sky?

Sky TV.

You've got me Sky TV?

200 channels! Ho-ho!

Before we indulge, let's take a moment to flex our vocal cords

with a good old Christmas sing-song.

# Good King Wenceslas... #

I'll leave it to the experts.

# Good King Wenceslas last looked out

# On the Feast of Stephen

# There's Miranda laying about

# On the Feast of Stephen

# Stuffing all the food she can

# From the Feast of Stephen

# I won't take her for my wife

# Nor will I said Stephen. #

Right, that's it, we're out of here.

DOORBELL RINGS

Door.

Compliments of the season, sir.

We have come to sing merrily and to make you a gift of a small pudding.

ALL: # God bless Mr B at Christmas time

# And Baby Jesus too

# If we were little pigs we'd sing

# Piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo

# Wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo

# Oh piggy wiggy wiggy woo

# Piggy wiggy woo

# Oh piggy wiggy wiggy wiggy wiggy woo. #

Utter crap.

BOTH: # Good King Wenceslas last looked out

# On the Feast of Stephen

# As the snow lay round about

# Deep and crisp and even... #

Oh, deep and crisp and even, sir, suits you. Oh, suits you, sir, Oh!

One of the many wonderful things about Christmas is that

the sun never actually rises above the yardarms to start with.

Ho-ho, here's to it.

Cheers, me dears.

What's good about Christmas Day is it's the one time

where you can be an alcoholic.

It's expected.

Cos it's the one time you can get up and drink sherry at half ten.

Anyone else during the rest of the year who drinks sherry at half ten

in the morning normally spends the rest of the day

sat on a bench shouting at buses.

-Sue.

-What?

It's 11 in the morning.

Oh, yeah.

But it's Christmas. It's all right.

A soupcon of grape brandy.

Du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-du-uh.

Just a hint of vodka.

Yoo-ee-bo, yoo-ee-bo, bo-bo-bo.

A fret of whiskey.

Yada-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-dah.

Lemon squash.

-Bob!

-What?

-We're out of advocaat.

-No?

-Yes.

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Yes!

-No!

-Yes! Go and have a look in the fridge.

Go and look in the fridge. Go on.

There's none there.

-Is there any salad cream?

-Yeah.

-Have you got any lighter fuel?

-Yeah.

-Mix the two together, it's the same thing.

-All right, will do.

Of course, you need a few little nibbles to accompany all that drink,

nothing too heavy.

Maybe a light breakfast, you know, full English.

Then, some sausage rolls and Stilton for elevenses,

after you've open your first box of chocs, of course.

Then I like to ease off a bit, just a few mince pies,

brandy butter, couple of satsumas, as I gear up for the big one.

Ho-ho, lunchtime! Go on!

Here we go.

Not bad. Not bad, Grandad.

Slightly underdone, maybe.

Slightly underdone?

I reckon the kiss of life would revive that turkey.

Look, there's only five hours till lunch.

I've got to get my sprouts on. Don't want them all crunchy.

Not sprouts! I hate sprouts!

Will you stop whinging, Eddie, nobody likes sprouts.

Then why are we having them, then?

Because it's Christmas!

I'm through. Finish those and you win.

WHISTLE BLOWS

-Do we get turkey?

-Well, they call it turkey, don't they?

But not having seen it carved, we don't know, do we?

I mean, if it is, then the one we had on our block last year

must have been a very funny shape.

28 legs and no breast.

Like Lulu and the Young Generation.

But before you eat it, you've got to cook it.

Of course, we all know what makes a good Christmas dinner.

Turkey, spuds, stuffing, sprouts, gravy - proper gravy,

gravy that you can stand your spoon up in.

Well, hold on to your paper hats,

because the TV chefs have only muscled in on the act.

Liberty!

The biggest decision for me at Christmas

is what bird is going to be in my oven?

Is it going to be a turkey? Is it going to be a goose?

I always go for the goose. I love that dark meat.

Such a splendid thing, a goose, isn't it?

What I love is there's masses of fat left that you can treasure.

I know, that's right. And even rub on your chest in case of emergency.

Rub them on your chest or your boots.

Now, first thing we do, of course, is just smear...

this paste. Just get your hands in there, it's lovely. Caress it...

all over the bird like this.

Pop it into a 220-degree oven and let the bird brown up nicely.

So, there we are.

Fragrant bath water is ready.

I'm now going to go and get the baby to pop in it.

This liquid is not just spice water, it's a magical elixir,

it's going to transform the turkey

and it's going to be super juicy and gorgeously spiced.

My fridge isn't large enough to fit the bucket in,

so I leave it outside, securely covered.

It looks straightforward enough.

But we can't all have three Michelin stars, can we?

-What's wrong?

-What's wrong, Dave, that's the Maris pipers,

they've gone wrong and you said you would help me with the gravy

and I had to put the Oxo in the gravy,

do all the stirring of the gravy.

Your dad's carrots was all dead hard and I can't get the Stork in.

Trust you, Dave, trust you, Dave,

to win a bloody turkey that we can't get in the oven

and it's only got two legs and you knew everybody wanted a leg.

And all I wanted - all I wanted for - was just a day like Nigella's.

That's all I wanted was it to be like Nigella's.

Back in the day, your turkey came from the butchers,

and no-one really cared where it had been before that,

as long as it was plump and dead, we were happy.

Nowadays, it's all about the bird.

That's got to be happy. Well, good luck to it.

Animals that live in a peaceful and stress-free environment

really do taste better.

So we've made a little grotto.

With the geese happy,

I was off to make the first-ever three-Michelin-star goose feed.

We need to eat this cos if it's good enough for us

it's good enough for a goose.

So if it's not good enough for us I ain't giving it to a goose.

-It's not too bad, is it?

-Very nice.

You enjoy yourself, goosey. I hate to break it to you, mate,

but you're still going to end up plucked and stuffed come Christmas.

Over to you, Fanny. Do your worst.

Now, this curious pinching movement that I'm doing here isn't just silly,

but to loosen the skin,

so that afterwards I can put my hand underneath

and run it right through the skin, so that it holds right away

from the breast of the upper part of the bird, like that.

Prod it all over. Think of somebody you've never really liked,

but you're too well-bred to say what you think of them,

so you take it out on a goose that's being stabbed all over.

Beastly job, this.

Right, dinner's over and I'm more stuffed than the goose.

Time to nod off in front of the telly,

wake up around teatime for a mince pie... Not a chance!

It's time for Top Of The Pops.

And in honour of this great Yuletide institution,

here's my very own Christmas countdown.

Wa-hey! Here we go, pop pickers.

Straight in at number five, it's the worst recipe for mulled wine ever.

# Christmas time

# Silent night

# Mistletoe and wine

# Holy night

# Children singing... #

You can't beat a bit of Cliff at Christmas. Go on, my son.

# A time to rejoice

# In the good that we see... #

Stopping the cavalry at number four, it's good old Jona Lewie.

# I have had to fight almost every night

# Down throughout these centuries

# That is when I say Oh, yes, yet again

# Can you stop the cavalry? #

At number three, All I Want For Christmas is Mariah Carey.

And a Hairy Bikers' Cookbook.

# I don't want a lot of Christmas

# There is just one thing I need

# Don't care about the presents

# Underneath the Christmas tree

# I just want you for my own

# More than you could ever know

# Make my wish come true

# All I want for Christmas

# Is you... #

In at two, Chris Rea is Driving Home for Christmas.

# And it's been so long

# But I will be there

# I sing this song

# To pass the time away

# Driving in my car

# Driving home for Christmas... #

Sorry, Chris, you've missed lunch.

But you are in time for the washing up.

And my Christmas countdown number one, it's Wizzard -

I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday.

I really do.

# Well, I wish it could be Christmas

# Everyday

# When the kids start singing

# And the band begins to play... #

The Queen gave her first Christmas message in 1952.

And every year since, a grateful nation has gathered round the set

to listen with respect and reverence.

Ladies and gentlemen, all rise for Her Majesty.

God bless her.

APPLAUSE

LAUGHTER

It is at this time of the year that one's thoughts inevitably

turn to the members of one's family.

And for me, this also includes those people that constitute

the family of the Commonwealth.

-MAN:

-Hold it. Hold it, everybody. Nigel?

-Yes, Rodge?

-Getting a bit of a flare off her forehead, love.

Can you get her to tilt her head a bit?

No, other way, love.

Tell her to face more to the right.

No, no, no, not like on the 50p coin.

That's it, fine. OK, let's go again. From the top, please, Your Majesty.

Quiet, everybody, and cue Queen.

And now Her Majesty the Queen of Wales' Christmas Message.

Hello, campers.

And a great big Christmas yaki dah to all.

It's a great honour to be talking down to you today

from my mighty big palace, here in Hollywood.

As my grandad and I - no, sorry, not my grandad - my husband and I...

look back over these last 12 months, we reflect and say,

"God, a hell of a lot went on, didn't it?"

It was, in part, truly annus horribilis.

And that's something Michael knows all about.

In conclusion, let me say just this...

"Just this."

No, seriously, a very merry Christmas to you all, wherever you may be.

And a happier and prosperous New Year.

And don't do anything one wouldn't do.

Stop at Watford Gap for a butty, would you?

It's all in the best possible taste, ma'am.

Traditionally, of course, the period between the Queen's speech

and Doctor Who is given over to our great national pastime -

arguing. "Will you shut up?"

More roasties, Roy?

It's no good getting a turkey, you're fed up of it by Boxing Day.

I said to Roy, "It's no good getting a turkey,

"you're fed up of it by Boxing Day." What did I say, Roy?

It's no good getting a turkey, you're fed up of it by Boxing Day.

Oh, the queues in Marks'. How long was I stood there?

-40 minutes?

-You know it was 45 minutes, Roy.

What are you trying to show me up for in front of your mother?

-Look, the thing is...

-We're moving back to Barry.

-What?

-Just for the first six months, to see how it goes.

-Oh, I get it.

-Six months?

-You...

-You couldn't wait, could you?

-Six months?

Right from day one,

you got your claws in and now you're trying to take him away from me!

-24 weeks?

-Let me just explain...

-You're clearly shouting.

-It's a really good deal.

How do you know?

-Well, Gavin told me a few weeks back.

-What? So he knew about this?

-And I did. Stacey wanted me to know.

-Oh, I can just see it.

You and her and her in cahoots.

But I thought we agreed only to talk to Dad about it?

"How will we get him way from her?"

-Charming.

-Don't bring me into this.

You are in this, Vanessa.

What's Ness got to do with this?

Pam, if you want to make something of it, I'll see you outside,

-no problem.

-Right, come on then. Come on.

Whoa! You really don't want to do that, Pam.

She was South Wales Wrestling Champion.

I don't care, I'll take the lot of you on, ya Taffs.

Roy wanted cranberry sauce.

I said, "Cranberry sauce, Roy,

"you'll only end up throwing it away." What did I say, Roy?

You'll only up throwing it away.

We're not going to have the crackers till after the Queen's Speech.

It's a tradition here.

I said to Roy, "I'm delighted your mam's coming for Christmas."

-What did I say, Roy?

-I hope she's not stopping till Boxing Day.

I didn't say that, Roy!

You have one thing to do every year and you can't even get that right.

I make it the same way as I do every year and it tastes great.

Tastes like toilet water.

Well, if you don't like it, why don't you pour it out

and get yourself something else?

As a matter of fact, I think I will.

Don't know what the Queen's going to say in her speech this year.

It's been a funny year for her, bless her. What did I say, Roy?

It's been a funny old year for the Queen, bless her.

I never know whether to have the Christmas pudding before

or after the Queen's Speech. I said to Roy...

Will you button it, you stupid, fat cow?!

You're dead, you are, Roy.

Yeah, it's not bad.

But I'd only give it a SEVEN!!

Now, if you want a ten from Len, take a look at this lot.

This, my sweet,

is a letter from my solicitor, telling you that your husband

has filed a petition for divorce.

Happy Christmas, Ange.

# Jingle bells, jingle bells

# Jingle all the way... #

I'll kill you. I'll kill you!

# In a one-horse open sleigh

# Jingle bells, jingle bells Jingle all the way

# Oh, what fun it is to ride In a one-horse open sleigh... #

All right, all right, calm down.

Some people really don't like Christmas.

I tell you what their problem is - cold cockles.

Don't worry. Here's something that would warm the cockles

of the coldest heart.

-I do, sort of, have a present for you.

-A-ha! See, I know you.

-Hope you like it.

-I'm sure I will.

I'm pregnant.

Oh, my word.

CHATTERING

Careful, she's got a fiance.

Not any more.

# All I needed was the love you gave... #

Better get inside. They'll be worried.

Best Christmas present they could have.

Oh, no, I forgot - you hate Christmas.

Yes, I do.

Even...

..if it snows?

SHE LAUGHS

I can't believe you did that.

Basic atmospheric excitation.

Merry Christmas.

And you.

Oh, yes, you can't beat a bit of atmospheric excitation at Christmas,

can you? Warms you right up.

Tell you what, let's go out for a nice stroll. Get your coat.

And you'd better get your gun, as well.

# We're falling through the air... #

SPLAT!

If you thought that was bad,

you'd better call a taxi. We're about to play some party games.

-Come on, get your hat on.

-But this is the Daily Mirror.

I am terribly sorry, Margo, please have the Telegraph.

Now, then... My motto.

"The ooh-aah bird is so-called because it lays square eggs."

I don't understand.

-Roaring.

-King Kong.

-Frankenstein.

It's got four syllables. He's really fat.

-Um, I don't know.

-It's impossible.

-Shrek!

-I thought you said it was four syllables?

-Yes.

Sh. Re. E. K. Shrek.

No, Sh...

Conveyer belt of some kind.

-No dancing prayer?

-No dancing prayer? What are you...?

Guys, When Stevie went to the loo,

we had a look at the charade card she was acting out -

No Sex Please, We're British -

we put it back and made a pact never to guess it. It's very funny!

Oh, I know, I know.

What's the second word again?

Um...

-Pumping!

-Drilling!

-Ski Sunday!

Dancercise!

A hula-hula-hoop!

Titanic!

Have you really got no idea?

ALL: Um...

No Sex Please, We're British!

Well, that's hilarious.

Blimey, what a day.

I've eaten enough to feed a small army, had an argument,

lost a game,

gained a Hairy Bikers' Cookbook - it's no wonder I'm worn out.

I don't suppose there's anything on the telly.

There never is at Christmas, is there?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello and welcome to Xmas Jazz Club.

Mmm, jingle bells.

# I simply must go

# Oh, baby, it's cold outside... #

We love our traditional English Christmases.

Yes, James Bond, the Queen's Speech,

the smell of nuts roasting on an open fire.

So sorry, I must have been standing too close to the oven.

# It's cold outside... #

Could you hold this for me, please?

Because I'm going in!

Cinderella, where are you? Cinders, Cinders?

-Oh, buttocks!

-I beg your pardon?

# Cold... #

And, finally, a message for the ladies.

If an old gentleman with a long white beard tucked something

in your stocking last night, it was Father Christmas.

If it happens again tonight, you're being goosed by a Chelsea pensioner.

Well, there you have it.

That was my perfect Christmas.

It had its highs, its lows, its laughs, its tears,

and way, way too much to eat.

But I tell you what, I've loved every second of it.

And I hope yours has been as perfect as mine.

Merry Christmas, everyone. Good night.

# Jingle bells jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh what fun

# It is to ride

# In a one-horse open sleigh

# Bells on bobtail ring

# Making spirits bright

# Oh, what fun it is to ride

# In a one

# Horse open

# Sleigh

# Jingle all the way. #