Elis James

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-I haven't done stand-up

-on S4C before.

-D'you mind if we have some colour?

-Ladies and gentlemen,

-please put your hands together...

-..all the way to the microphone

-for Mr Elis James.

-Wow. Thank you.

-Welsh-language comedy.

-This place is packed.

-I'm going up in the world.

-A stage, a microphone -

-someone's been to Homebase.

-Discount for cash.

-I've been on a tour

-to prepare for this show.

-I visited different places.

-I did one gig in Pontyberem.

-Not in the village hall - too easy.

-Not in a chapel vestry.

-No - in a shop!

-I'd never done a gig in a shop -

-he'd never organised a gig before.

-I turned up in Pontyberem.

-"How many are we expecting tonight?"

-"Half a dozen, nailed on.

-"Half a dozen, maybe even eight.

-"If everyone turns up

-and then there's two walk-up.

-"We'll see, we'll see."

-The bloke in the shop in Pontyberem

-had never organised a gig before.

-I didn't know he was breaking rules.

-Before I began,

-he came on and said...

-.."OK, boys, before Elis starts,

-anyone want tea or coffee?

-"The kettle's on.

-"Brownies? For all you coeliacs,

-they're gluten-free.

-"Any coeliacs in tonight?

-No, I know you all. No coeliacs.

-"Anyone know a coeliac?

-I don't like the brownies myself.

-"Anyone work with a coeliac?

-"Are you ready to tell your joke?"

-Your joke! Singular.

-Your joke.

-Cardigan - another gig in a shop.

-No stage, no mic.

-I said, "Where do you want me?"

-"I thought you could just

-lean against the till like this.

-"What do you think, just lean

-against the till like this.

-"If it goes well

-and you want to mix it up...

-"..lean the other side, just

-to show how comfortable you are."

-"Maybe, maybe."

-I did a gig in Felinfach

-on a Friday night.

-I was staying with Mam and Dad

-at the time.

-Dad walked into the kitchen

-about 4.30pm.

-"Oh, El, you're not in Felinfach

-tonight, are you?"

-"Yeah, yeah."

-"Oh, no, no, no, no.

-"You're clashing.

-You're clashing tonight.

-"I heard it on Radio Cymru.

-"You're clashing

-with the Felinfach treasure hunt.

-"You can't compete

-with the Felinfach treasure hunt.

-"5 a car! A warm welcome to

-everyone they said on Radio Cymru.

-"Cancel it -

-you can't compete with that."

-I turned up and it was sold out,

-fair play.

-I had my opening line prepared.

-"Nice to see so many people here.

-"I hear I'm clashing

-with the treasure hunt."

-Two men at the back said,

-"Is that tonight?

-"Sorry, sorry,

-I thought that was next week."

-The treasure hunt

-brought back a lot of memories.

-I used to do the Ffynnonddrain

-Elim chapel treasure hunt.

-A strange response

-to a Carmarthen chapel!

-Have you been on a chapel

-treasure hunt? I've done loads.

-That might qualify me for heaven!

-Yeah.

-I think they asked too much of us.

-It was so, so boring.

-The clues were so, so difficult.

-It was meant to unify a community

-but no-one wanted to be there.

-The tension in our car was huge.

-My family are very normal -

-Mam, Dad, myself and two sisters.

-The clues were either about

-farming, poetry or the Bible.

-It went something like this.

-It started in the chapel and

-ended up in a pub that served food.

-Answer one clue

-which points you to the next.

-The treasure hunt

-spans the whole county.

-If you get the clue wrong,

-you're stuck.

-It's game over.

-But every car

-has an emergency envelope.

-If you haven't finished by 8.30pm,

-open the envelope...

-..and that reveals

-the identity of the pub.

-There was so much tension!

-Every clue was so difficult -

-the Bible, farming or poetry.

-Dad would be like, "Come on, Nesta,

-what's the next clue?

-"What's the next clue?"

-"We've left the last five blank."

-"Don't worry, come on!"

-"OK, clue number 33.

-"Three and sixty iron dogs in

-a potato barn on Judgement Day."

-"Jesus Christ!

-"Who talks like that?

-No-one talks like that.

-"Oh, God,

-Judgement Day, Judgement Day.

-"I don't know.

-Put sheep as the answer.

-"There are plenty of sheep here."

-"We've put sheep

-for ten of the previous answers."

-"We're bound to be right

-with one of the answers!

-"A Biblical verse - God is love.

-Put God is love down.

-"I'm driving to Capel Dewi

-because it was in Meidrim last year.

-"Tactics. We won't end up

-on the Meidrim side of town again.

-"We'll go to Capel Dewi -

-ignore the envelope.

-"Tactics.

-Sheep, sheep. God is love."

-We'd turn up in a pub that does food

-and we'd arrive after everyone.

-We'd creep into the pub.

-"Yeah, we had to open the envelope!

-Nightmare, gutted."

-After the food, they would

-read out everyone's answers...

-..in front of everyone,

-to shame us as a family.

-The minister would usually say...

-.."Right then, question number 22.

-The answer is harvest.

-"Morgans, well done, you're

-in the lead. Davieses, well done.

-"Joneses Clyn Melyn, well done.

-Joneses Llachegon, well done.

-"Joneses Nantybwla,

-well done, well done.

-"Joneses Gelliwen, well done.

-"The Jameses.

-"You've put sheep again.

-Is this the correct answer sheet?

-"There are so many blank answers.

-"Your answers are sheep or blank.

-"What's this - God is love?

-What's going on here?

-"OK, clue number 88.

-"The answer is sheep!"

-"Yes! I told you so.

-It's all tactics."

-"Well done, Jameses. One point."

-With treasure hunts...

-I'm going to swear now! I'm sorry.

-In the Pontyberem gig,

-only ten people turned up.

-When I swore,

-an old man right at the back...

-..would go, "Oh, dear boy.

-"Oh, dear me.

-"Oh, oh! Honestly, honestly.

-"Oh, dear me. Dear boy, dear boy."

-I'm going to swear.

-Ffynnonddrain Elim chapel

-treasure hunt 1994.

-They're about to serve the food

-in the pub...

-..and I'm outside playing

-three-and-in with Matthew and Aled.

-The minister sends little Catrin

-out to us.

-"Elis, Matthew, Aled...

-"..Mr Davies the minister says

-your food is getting cold.

-"Come in now."

-I was playing football,

-spirits were high.

-I said, "I don't want to come in.

-"Tell Mr Davies to fuck off!"

-Mistake.

-She knew exactly what she was doing.

-She walked back in

-where everyone was eating...

-..and said, "Mr Davies, Mr Davies...

-"..I passed your message on,

-Mr Davies.

-"I told Aled and Matthew...

-"..but do you know what Elis,

-son of Eurfyl and Nesta, said.

-"He said he didn't want to eat.

-He said fuck off."

-People stopped playing pool.

-People stopped playing darts.

-I walked in

-not knowing what she'd said.

-"Hiya, Mam,

-where's my chicken and chips?"

-"Sit down now! You're not

-having chicken and chips."

-"Why not - is it scampi?"

-"No, it's not scampi!"

-"Sit down now!"

-"Can I put the ball in the boot?"

-"You're not putting it in the boot!

-"We don't use that language

-at home!"

-Little Catrin's mother came over,

-"Don't ever use language like that!"

-Catrin was sitting

-in the corner like this.

-The chapel elders

-were all sat in a row.

-The minister was like this.

-Dad came up to me and said,

-"Fair play, son.

-"No-one's talking about

-our shit answers anymore.

-"Tactics. Well done.

-"Good boy. Tactics."

-.

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-I'm originally from Carmarthen.

-Carmarthen is like a lot...

-Oh, thank you, you're too kind.

-Carmarthen is like

-a lot of Welsh towns.

-It's split between townies...

-..and farmers, or hambones.

-Joskins in North Wales,

-hambones down south.

-I was half and half.

-I wasn't raised in town

-but I didn't live on a farm.

-A lot of my family do farm

-and I get on well with them...

-..but they're hambones.

-I love them, I visit them,

-I get on well with them.

-But if I'm honest,

-I don't understand a word they say.

-They're real Westwalian hambones.

-"Hey, how's things?"

-"Oh, here he is!"

-ELIS MAKES HAMBONE NOISES

-"...no, no, no, no, no!

-"..playing rugby,

-passing the ball...

-"No, no, no. Yes, yes, yes.

-No, no, no. Passing the ball.

-"Look at him!"

-"Yeah, cool.

-Give my best to Mam-gu."

-Sometimes, you get a clue

-about what they're talking about.

-"..milking..."

-Milking, OK!

-I can discuss milking.

-"..five o'clock...

-..tired... ..milking... ..soil."

-Soil, soil. OK, soil.

-"..manure...

-..fertilizer... ..Huw Edwards..."

-You've lost me now!

-Milking, soil, Huw Edwards.

-"..yeah, Huw Edwards...

-"Soil in his mouth."

-OK.

-It's like watching

-an episode of Pingu.

-Fair play to whoever's

-subtitling this programme.

-Elis makes hambone noises!

-I did a gig in Carmarthen last night

-and they all turned up.

-All my relatives.

-They phoned Mam this morning.

-Sorry, I'll translate.

-"We saw Elis last night.

-"D'you know what? It's true.

-We do speak like Pingu."

-A lot of the countryside boys,

-the farmers...

-..gave me stick

-when I was in school.

-It was the same thing every time.

-I had hair like this when I was

-in school, fairly long.

-"Look at this boy!

-"Look at this boy

-with his long hair.

-"Who do you think you are?

-An Englishman?

-"'Kin Englishman and his long hair.

-"Hippy. Elis the English hippy."

-Like those famous

-long-haired Englishmen.

-Winston Churchill,

-Duncan Goodhew, Ross Kemp.

-Ross Kemp on Gangs,

-his fringe getting in the way.

-"English! Long-haired Englishman.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-"Englishman

-with his long hippy hair."

-A friend of mine comes from London.

-He went out to Mexico

-for the New Year.

-He'd read on Google

-that you can fire a gun skywards...

-..at midnight on New Year's Eve.

-He didn't have to travel

-to Mexico to do that.

-I've seen people do that

-in a wedding in Llansaint.

-Just hambones.

-"Stop, Arwel,

-you're shooting at the marquee."

-"I'm in love! It's my wedding day!

-"Leave me alone.

-"Yeah!"

-I was out one night in Carmarthen.

-I ended up in Crisp & Fry.

-Only in Wales.

-There are fans of Crisp & Fry.

-"I hope he does jokes

-about rissoles - I love rissoles.

-"Battered sausage, yes, please."

-I ended up in Crisp & Fry, drunk.

-I did and unforgivable thing -

-I pushed in.

-I pushed in

-and this lad came up to me.

-"Hey, hey, Englishman, long hair.

-"Englishman, long hair, pushing in."

-"I'm sorry, it's my fault.

-Sorry for pushing in."

-I tried to chill him out.

-"What's your name?"

-"Dylan."

-"OK, where are you from?"

-"Lampeter."

-His friend saw me.

-"Hey, hey, hey,

-who's the Englishman pushing in?"

-"Whoa, whoa, whoa, I'm sorry.

-"Sorry for pushing in, my fault.

-What's your name?"

-"Dylan."

-"Where are you from?" "Lampeter."

-I said, "Oh, yeah,

-what are you - two brothers?"

-I don't really remember much

-of what happened after that.

-I've done gigs all around the world.

-I was in New Zealand last year,

-in Auckland.

-Auckland is at the far end

-of the Earth.

-You can't go further from Wales

-than Auckland in New Zealand.

-It said I was Welsh on the poster.

-I was expecting some Welsh crowd.

-"Hello, any Welsh in?"

-One woman shouted, "Here!"

-As if we were in school.

-"Present, here."

-I asked where she was from.

-"Lampeter!"

-"Do you know

-these two brothers called...?"

-I have family in Lampeter.

-"Oh, yeah? I have family

-in Lampeter. Do you know Dyfrig?"

-"What's the farm's name?"

-she replied.

-I've done stand-up for a decade and

-I've never had that heckle before.

-I told her.

-She said,

-"Oh, I used to go out with Dyfrig."

-"Oh, yeah?" "Yes, but I left him

-because he bit me when we kissed.

-"But send him my best!

-No hard feelings."

-I had loads of different jobs

-before I did stand-up.

-While I was in college,

-I worked in the Royal Welsh.

-There are some North and Westwalians

-here but for the city people...

-..I'll try and explain

-the Royal Welsh to you.

-It's like Ibiza...

-..for hambones.

-Like a hambone San Antonio.

-A joskins San Antonio.

-Every day was the same

-in the Royal Welsh.

-They'd turn up at the Members Bar

-at 10.00am...

-..and say, "Pint of diesel, please."

-Diesel is the hambone word

-for snakebite and black.

-"Pint of diesel please."

-After the first hour,

-they noticed I looked very pale.

-I'd never worked outdoors.

-"Hey, Casper, Casper.

-Casper the friendly ghost.

-"Hey, Casper the friendly ghost.

-"Yeah, yeah, yeah, you.

-Casper the friendly ghost.

-"Pint of diesel please."

-By Tuesday, I thought there was

-a bit of understanding between us.

-On Tuesday, the second day, they

-came in, "Pint of diesel please."

-I replied, "Oh, I'm sorry,

-we don't sell diesel.

-"Only unleaded."

-He said,

-"Pint of turbo shandy, fleabag!"

-"Yeah, just a bit of fun."

-Every day,

-always the same in the Royal Welsh.

-The bar opens at ten and they show

-a rugby match on the giant screen.

-Wales v England, Wembley 1999.

-Wales win in the final minute,

-Scott Gibbs scores under the posts.

-Every day, they'd watch the game

-holding their snakebite and black.

-They'd watch it as if it were live.

-Like they'd never seen it before.

-78 minutes, Wales are losing.

-"Jesus Christ,

-we never beat England.

-"I can't remember the last time

-we beat England.

-"Always the same.

-"Scott Gibbs has got the ball.

-Go, Scott, he's going!

-"Yes! 20 pints of diesel, please."

-DJ, Yma O Hyd, Dafydd Iwan,

-the place goes wild.

-They're all singing,

-some are crying.

-# We're all still here... #

-The game ends, they settle down

-and then they repeat the game.

-There they are, "Jesus Christ,

-we never beat England. Damn it all!

-"It's not fair! We used to

-always win up at Twickenham.

-"Not anymore, oh, no.

-"Scott Gibbs has got the ball.

-Go, Scott, go. Yes!

-"20 pints of diesel, please."

-.

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-I didn't just like Welsh bands,

-I like English and American bands.

-I went to

-a Grandmaster Flash gig in Cardiff.

-Grandmaster Flash invented rap

-in the 1970s and 1980s.

-If you don't like rap, blame him.

-There were only about 30 people

-there, it was down in the Bay.

-I couldn't wait for it,

-I loved Grandmaster Flash.

-Because there was such a small

-audience, I was right at the front.

-He walked on, electric atmosphere...

-..everyone was dancing.

-The thing is, I learnt how to dance

-in YFC dances in West Wales.

-It's different

-to everyone else's dancing.

-Article A - thumb.

-Article B - belt loop.

-A pint and then just, yeah!

-Here we go then, yeah.

-Sometimes, leg up against the wall.

-Too right, too right!

-Flash came on and he said...

-.."You gotta know where you came

-from to know where you're going.

-"I'm playing P Funk, Bootsy Collins,

-Sly and the Family Stallone."

-I was like, "Yeah, good thing.

-"Good thing,

-you carry on, lad, yeah!"

-He started playing records

-and I was loving it.

-I'd never seen him before.

-"Great, yeah, what's next?

-Yeah, I like this one, yeah, great."

-He saw something

-in the corner of his eye.

-He kept on looking up. After

-10 minutes, he grabbed the mic.

-He wasn't rapping at the time

-so everyone got excited.

-He said,

-"Man, there's some white guy...

-"..down the front, man, and

-this guy ain't dancing for nobody.

-"What is wrong with you, man?

-Why ain't you dancing?

-"I'm playing some of the funkiest

-records and you ain't dancing."

-I thought, 'I wouldn't like to be

-in that bloke's shoes'.

-"You tell him, Grandmaster Flash."

-He said,

-"Man, why ain't you dancing?

-"Your ass is stuck to the floor.

-Your boots are made of lead."

-I thought, 'Grandmaster Flash

-is well riled. He's really angry.

-'I wouldn't want to cross

-Grandmaster Flash.'

-He shouted, "Yo, I'm talking

-to this guy. I don't understand."

-He was shouting at this bloke

-so I turned around...

-..and everyone had disappeared,

-the dancefloor was empty.

-I turned around.

-"I'm talking to you, man.

-"With your thumb

-in your goddamn belt loop...

-"..shaking your head

-with your pint of beer."

-I remember thinking, 'Well,

-there's no need to be like that'.

-I walked away

-to the other side of the gig.

-It was very embarrassing,

-everyone was laughing at me.

-At the end of the gig,

-I was so disappointed.

-We walked home,

-we couldn't afford a taxi.

-We happened to walk past the hotel

-where he was staying.

-Grandmaster Flash was in his room

-but a roadie was carrying records.

-My mate Brychan said to him...

-.."Great night tonight,

-lovely to see him in Cardiff.

-"One of the funniest things

-I've seen.

-"Elis was the bloke

-he was taking the piss out of.

-"He's been crying. One of the

-funniest things I've ever seen."

-"Don't worry about it.

-It's all part of the show.

-"Tomorrow night we'll make fun

-of some other loser in Exeter."

-I thought, 'I like the idea

-that I'm part of the show.

-'I like it, fair play.'

-The first time

-I sampled a foreign culture...

-..was a French exchange in school

-during Year 10.

-The boy I had, Kristoff,

-we were different people.

-Kristoff wanted to join the army,

-the marines.

-I just wanted to grow pubes!

-I was desperate, any day now.

-The books I read in the library

-said any day now.

-Kristoff wanted to join the marines.

-Mam-gu liked him.

-"Jeez, this one can eat.

-"He can clear his plate,

-this French boy."

-She was obsessed with you

-clearing your plate.

-She once said to me,

-while Bryn Terfel was on TV...

-.."You know what they say about him?

-Bryn Terfel.

-"Maybe he can sing...

-"..but he's not a farmer."

-The world's greatest singer.

-"He's not a farmer."

-"I think he chose to be a singer."

-"Maybe so, if that's what you think.

-"Pavarotti clears his plate

-but he's not a farmer.

-"He doesn't work the food off,

-that's why he's fat."

-Everyone liked Kristoff...

-..but what do you do with 50 French

-pupils if you live in West Wales?

-Day 1, simple enough, Oakwood.

-That's what you do.

-I don't think that Oakwood

-is good enough as a theme park.

-This is how they advertised Oakwood

-at the time.

-Come to Oakwood.

-Home of Europe's largest

-wooden rollercoaster.

-I might be wrong, but I don't think

-anyone chooses a rollercoaster...

-..for its wood.

-"What's this wood,

-why didn't you tell me?"

-Megafobia was Europe's

-largest wooden rollercoaster.

-I'll try and show you

-what Megafobia was like.

-I have enough room here!

-We've queued for an hour,

-you'll never get that hour back.

-That's how time works,

-in a straight line.

-You've paid 20. Megafobia,

-1, 2, 3. Away we go, Megafobia!

-Whoo!

-Whooo!

-Hey! What's this? Figure of eight.

-What's the Gs, what's the Gs?

-Zero Gs, zero Gs.

-My hair's not even moving.

-"Ooh, I can see my car from here.

-Yeah, I can see my car."

-Megafobia, yeah!

-I've seen people eating curry

-on Megafobia.

-I've seen gravy harden

-on Megafobia.

-They take a photo in Alton Towers.

-On Megafobia, it's a sketch.

-At that time in school, we had

-sex education for the first time.

-That was a lot of fun.

-Year 9.

-Year 9.

-There were very mixed messages

-in sex education.

-The woman who taught us had checked

-us for nits in primary school.

-How did that work?

-Mixed messages, multi-tasking.

-She came in and she was quite

-forthright considering the age.

-She walked into the gym

-where Year 9 were waiting.

-"Right then, Year 9, right then...

-"..you might remember me.

-"Nice to know some of you

-are still using T-Gel.

-"For those laughing at the others,

-nits is a sign of cleanliness.

-"Nits like clean hair,

-but I'm not here to discuss nits.

-"I want to talk about sex.

-"Right then listen, to give me

-a basis for your education...

-"..to find out what you know,

-what I should be teaching you...

-"..and where this lesson

-will take us...

-"..after three, shout out

-every sex word you know.

-"That'll form the basis

-of my teaching...

-"..and we'll take it from there."

-We were all so wound up.

-The hambones were chomping

-at the bit.

-Like a pre-race greyhound.

-Come on then!

-"Away we go then. 1, 2, 3."

-"Shagging, bonking, screwing,

-tits, fingering..."

-"Please, please, please, Year 9!"

-"Tits, fingering, filling a hole,

-dipping your bread..."

-"Please, please!"

-The headmaster walked in.

-"Year 9, Year 9...

-"..who shouted shagging,

-screwing, sucking, tits, fanny?

-"Who shouted that?"

-"Hands up.

-"Hands up. Who shouted

-dipping your bread? Who was it?"

-The farmers were like,

-"I know it all anyway.

-"I don't need education.

-I've seen animals doing it."

-"Right then, nice to see the

-naughty ones amongst you have left.

-"I've had five minutes

-to settle down.

-"Right.

-"This morning, Year 9, I want to

-discuss the human seed with you.

-"I don't like the phrase human seed.

-I prefer sperm."

-Yes! This is the best tutorial ever.

-She said sperm. Yes, please.

-"Believe you me, Year 9,

-sperm can be a dangerous fluid.

-"If your sperm ends up

-in the wrong place...

-"..it can be disastrous."

-"Right, Lee Evans... Lee Evans...

-"..how many sperm

-are released during a wet dream?"

-Oh, my God, she said wet dream.

-Lee Evans looked straight down.

-Refused to answer.

-"Come on, tell me, tell the class.

-"If you're so confident

-with your sperm."

-He remained silent.

-"Maybe Lee Evans has only produced

-sperm during a wet dream...

-"..and his mother washed his pyjamas

-before he realised."

-That is utterly insane logic.

-The idea that Lee Evans' mother...

-..is in his bedroom

-on a wet dream watch...

-"Here we go then, here we go.

-"He's having one, he's having one.

-"Off with his pyjamas.

-In the wash, tumble dryer."

-"Mam? What are you doing?"

-"Oh, just tidying up."

-.

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-I'm going out with an English girl

-from Derbyshire. We've had a baby.

-Isy's learning Welsh.

-She wants Beti to have

-a bilingual upbringing.

-She goes to night classes

-in Covent Garden.

-She loves it,

-she's very enthusiastic.

-The problem is, if you're learning,

-there are two books.

-The Southwalian book...

-..and the wrong book.

-Yuck, yeurgh!

-She bought the wrong one.

-She came home from her first lesson,

-really excited.

-"How did it go?"

-"Wyt ti moyn dysgu Cymraeg efo fi?"

-"Efo?!

-"It's gyda, gyda,

-gyda, gyda, gyda, gyda!"

-"OK, right, will you test me?"

-"Wyt ti'n hoffi coffi?"

-"Ydw, gyda digon o lefrith."

-"Llefrith?! Llaeth, llaeth, llaeth!"

-She was pregnant at the time.

-"OK, Elis,

-when we have a little baby...

-"..do you think we'll have

-a hogyn...?"

-"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-"Don't you even say it.

-"It's bachgen, merch, crwt, croten.

-"If you're from Pembrokeshire

-and insane, rocyn or roces.

-"I don't mind it, I wouldn't say it

-myself, I think it's quite charming.

-"Hogyn, hogan's bullshit! I don't

-even know which way round that is.

-"Machynlleth - llanc and lodes.

-Youth and damsel.

-"Come on, Machynlleth!

-"Whilst we're at it,

-let's nip this in the bud.

-"It is nawr and not rwan...

-"..even though they're the same

-letters the wrong way around.

-"You ask for ia in your drink

-and not rhew.

-"Rhew is a word that means frost.

-"Who has frost in their spiced rum

-and Diet Coke? It makes no sense.

-"If I hear you saying goriad

-instead of allwedd...

-"..mark my words - allwedd is key,

-goriad is an opening.

-"Yet for some reason, Welsh was

-codified by Northwalian academics...

-"..at Bangor University - I don't

-know how it happened but I hate it."

-Thank you.

-About half the audience there.

-"It's a beautiful language."

-"It is, in certain distinct regions

-of South and West Wales!

-"As far north as Aberystwyth

-and as far east as Swansea."

-I'm annoyed now!

-"They even sound like gogs in

-Patagonia - how are they doing it?

-"This pernicious, malevolent

-influence. How do they do it?"

-We have a lot of fun,

-she's enthusiastic and I test her.

-Every Sunday night,

-it's a laugh a minute!

-It's difficult to teach Welsh. I'm

-not a teacher, I just speak Welsh.

-Every Sunday night, she'll say

-something like, "Siocled am fi."

-I'll say, "No, siocled i fi."

-"But 'am' is for."

-"Go get the book, go get the book."

-We had an exam last week.

-"OK, Isy, this one's easy.

-You know this one.

-"You did this in your second lesson.

-"Beth yw enw dy frawd di?"

-"What?!"

-"Beth yw enw dy frawd di?"

-"You know this one.

-Beth yw enw dy frawd di?"

-"What is the name

-of my black brother?"

-"Go get the book from the bin."

-Also, some words are just

-too difficult to translate.

-My family are great -

-everyone speaks Welsh.

-A lot of them talk

-a hard-core Westwalian vernacular.

-She'll come with me to Wales

-and my auntie will say...

-"Did you hear

-about Dafydd next door?

-"He's crashed the car -

-it's rhacs jibiders."

-Rhacs jibiders!

-How do you translate rhacs jibiders?

-"What are those last words?"

-"Rhacs jibiders. He's written-off

-the car. It's jibiders."

-"What's jibiders?"

-"Jibiders. It's been written-off to

-the extent it's been written-off."

-"Is written rhacs

-and off jibiders."

-"No, written-off is rhacs.

-Mae'r car wedi rhacso - ruined.

-"It's ruined

-to the extent it's jibiders.

-"What's that mean?"

-"Why is it?" "Because..."

-"What does it mean?"

-"Jibiders... Jibiders is...

-"Jibiders is an unit of measurement

-for rhacs!

-"I don't know.

-"At this end of the scale,

-the car is fine. It hasn't crashed.

-"It's not rhacs.

-"To this end of the scale,

-it's rhacs jibiders.

-"Everything else is a grey area.

-I don't know. It's rhacs jibiders."

-Dad walks in,

-"It's raining. I'm wlyb stecs."

-"He is wet stecs.

-"He is wet to the extent,

-he's stecs. He's wet wet."

-"I'm wlyb shwps."

-"That's another stecs.

-I prefer stecs, I don't know why.

-"Dad's gone with his heart,

-with his gut. From stecs to shwps.

-"Welsh people get wet wet.

-I don't know, it's the way it is."

-We're raising this baby.

-Isy said,

-"Can we sing nursery rhymes?"

-"Hwiangerddi," I replied.

-"Oh, wow, wow, wow. Are they

-the same melodies as English ones?"

-"I don't know.

-I haven't sung one for years."

-# Two little dogs going to the wood

-# Brand-new shoe on every foot

-# Two little dogs

-come back from the wood

-# One of the dogs has lost its shoes

-# Two little dogs #

-"Cool, yeah. Great, I like it.

-Great vibe, I like it."

-"No, no, they're not all bad."

-# I saw a jackdaw

-# Sitting on a roof

-# White hat on his head,

-two wooden legs

-# Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha #

-"Yeah, great. I like them."

-"This is a good one."

-# Gee up, little horsey,

-carrying us both

-# Over the mountains

-to hunt for some nuts

-# There's water in the river,

-the rocks are inevitably slippery

-# Whoop! We both fell over

-# What a hilarious trick #

-Dacw Mam...

-# Here comes Mother

-over the white stile

-# Something in her pocket

-and a pitcher on her head

-# The cow is in the cowshed,

-mooing at the calf

-# Lowing, mooing at the younger calf

-# But the calf is somewhere else,

-singing Jim Crow

-"I think that's to do with

-racial segregation laws in America.

-"I don't know how that crept

-into this Welsh nursery rhyme.

-"They're quite racist, it's fine."

-# Jim Crow crustin, one, two, four

-"That bit is in English.

-Don't know what happened to three.

-"When she's only enough to count...

-"..we'll emphasise

-that three comes after two.

-# Jim Crow crustin, one, two, four

-# The little piglet is sitting

-so sweetly on the stool #

-"Shall we stick

-to Hickory Dickory Dock?"

-Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

-Oh, yeah, I've got TB.

-I should have mentioned it.

-Yeah, pretty contagious, really.

-Can you do a thumbs-up as an adult?

-That's OK.

-But any adult that goes, boo!

-"Has the car passed the MOT? Yes.

-"It's failed? Oh, boo!"

-I was in Cyprus last week.

-Oh, some of you know.

-To watch the football.

-I was in Cyprus and it was great.

-I was out on the lash. That's

-the culture of football trips.

-Out on the lash,

-drinking, getting drunk.

-Somewhere in London, I'm on a list

-of Welsh football supporters.

-On the day of the game, I'd been

-in the pub for a few hours.

-I'd had a couple of pints.

-The bar had wi-fi

-so I checked Twitter.

-"Hey, Elis,

-it's Tim from the BBC in London.

-"From the Radio 4 Tonight programme.

-"Would you come on the show...

-"..to discuss Wales leapfrogging

-England in the rankings?"

-I replied to this genuine request

-for an interview.

-"I will be shitfaced unfortunately."

-I was just being honest.

-A comedian friend of mine called

-Mike who has lots of followers...

-..tweeted 'The best conversation

-on Welsh sport I've ever seen.'

-He retweeted my tweet, that was

-retweeted, that was retweeted.

-As these things happen,

-that was retweeted.

-I'd switched off my phone

-during the game.

-I had no idea this was happening.

-There were over 1,000 retweets.

-When it reached 1,000,

-the Western Mail thought...

-.."There's a story here.

-"We're just waiting for Tom Jones

-and Shirley Bassey to die.

-"We could get two pages

-out of this."

-They ran the story,

-the Wales on Sunday ran the story.

-I had no idea this was happening.

-I'd been drinking all day.

-The Western Mail publish the story,

-as does the Independent.

-The Guardian publish the story.

-This has now had millions

-of retweets.

-James Corden saw it - he has five

-million followers. He retweeted it.

-This is bonkers

-and I still have no idea.

-I'm still drinking in Cyprus.

-I have no idea this has spread

-like wildfire.

-An Australian website, news.com.au,

-Australia's version of the BBC...

-..they thought,

-"There's a bloody story in this."

-I was on the front page.

-"Welsh soccer fan

-too shitfaced for interview."

-They found a photo of me like this.

-"England might have won the Ashes...

-"..but British fans

-are so starved of success...

-"..every time one of their teams

-beats Cyprus, they're shitfaced."

-A New York website picked up on it.

-They published the story.

-It was on their front page -

-millions of people read the website.

-The comments were fantastic.

-"The Welsh football team

-are so unprofessional...

-"..they get drunk before a game."

-They thought I played!

-They thought I was a player

-getting drunk before a game.

-One comment said, "He is nothing but

-a Western European binge drinker."

-I'm not representing Carmarthen.

-I'm not even representing Wales.

-I represent Europe.

-World-class binge drinker,

-that's me.

-I didn't know this was happening.

-I had no data roaming -

-too tight to pay!

-I did a gig in Felinfach

-and an audience member said...

-.."I live in Aber.

-"I came all the way down

-because the tickets are 3 cheaper."

-Cardis don't get it sometimes,

-do they?

-It costs 3 of petrol to reach

-Felinfach! I don't understand.

-I didn't have any data roaming

-so when I arrive back...

-..I switch my phone on

-for the first time in days.

-"What's this? 1,500 notifications?"

-I read them all but from the top

-down, it made no sense.

-Australians saying, "Hi, I like

-to get shitfaced as well, ripper.

-"Next time you're in Sydney,

-let's go out, eh?"

-Who are these people?

-"I think it's unprofessional you

-get drunk before a game." "Why?!"

-I was just watching -

-what's the problem?

-I'm just an ordinary bloke

-who likes a drink.

-What's all the fuss?

-That's my epitaph.

-On my gravestone.

-An ordinary bloke

-who liked a drink.

-I'm done now.

-I'm sweating pints.

-That's why I'm not a farmer.

-I sweat pints

-just imitating farmers.

-There's no hope for me on a farm.

-That's the end of the show. I don't

-do Welsh language stand-up often.

-I've done English stand-up

-for 10 years, 3,000 gigs.

-This show has been an absolute

-pleasure. Thanks for coming.

-You've been a great audience.

-Thank you very much, good night.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

-.