Tudur Owen yn 'Pechu': Standyp

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-AUDIENCE CHATTER

-Thank you.

-Wow.

-Thank you very much.

-Wow, thank you.

-Thank you very much and goodnight.

-That welcome deserves a better

-beginning to the show than I have!

-This is it -

-the beginning of the show.

-As I get older, I start gigs...

-The beginning of my gigs

-is becoming more and more drab.

-To be honest, I start gigs

-the same way as I start sex.

-HE HUFFS

-Let's start, yeah?

-I won't keep you long.

-I don't know if I'll enjoy this

-as much as you.

-Thank you for coming.

-I've been thinking about this -

-I'm in the second half of my life.

-Things have happened to me

-to suggest...

-..that I'm way into

-the second half of my life.

-I'm 47. I know, moisturiser, I know.

-I'll tell you what

-I've stopped doing...

-..because I'm in

-the second half of my life.

-I've stopped giving up my seat

-on the bus to old people.

-This is the thing - I'm 47.

-Even if I live to be 90,

-I'm in the second half of my life.

-Not that I want to be 90.

-I can't piss straight as it is.

-At 90, I'd be like a child

-with a hosepipe.

-"Put your coats on, children,

-we're going to visit Taid!"

-The show is called Pechu. I will

-be upsetting some people tonight.

-I'll use language

-some of you won't expect from me.

-I apologise... No, I'm not.

-I'm just warning you.

-How can I say this?

-When I do things like this,

-I use words I shouldn't use.

-It's a weakness of mine.

-It's a problem I've had for a while.

-I swear.

-It's a problem I've had

-since I was a child.

-If I was excited on Christmas Day,

-it could be awful for Mam and Dad.

-They made sure I released

-all my excitement in the morning...

-..before uncles and aunties

-came over.

-"Ooh, fuckin' Buckaroo!"

-I remember Mam taking me...

-I remember Mam taking me

-to a pantomime in Bangor.

-We once had a theatre in Bangor -

-it was great.

-Topical!

-It doesn't get any more topical

-than that.

-I remember Mam taking me

-to a pantomime.

-"Tudur, I'm taking you

-to a pantomime. Don't swear.

-"Promise me

-you won't get too excited."

-"I promise. I won't."

-"I'll take you on the understanding

-that you don't get too excited...

-"..and don't embarrass me

-in the theatre."

-It was Peter Pan. It was in English.

-Never mind. It was fantastic.

-There were 300 children there

-with their parents.

-I'd never seen anything

-like a pantomime.

-I was trying my best to keep calm.

-I remember one scene in particular.

-Captain Hook was chasing Peter Pan.

-Peter Pan couldn't see him.

-"Where is he, children?"

-The children shouted,

-"He's behind you."

-We were in Bangor, remember.

-Captain Hook was at the back.

-Peter Pan was at the front.

-"No, I can't see him, children.

-Where is he?"

-"He's behind you."

-"Where is he, children?"

-"He's behind you."

-He was milking it. "He's behind

-you." It went on and on.

-"No, I can't see him."

-300 children shouting,

-"He's behind you."

-One lone voice, "For fuck's sakes."

-I'm warning you beforehand.

-You'll hear some words tonight that

-you're not used to hearing me say.

-What I'd like you to do

-is go into...

-Do you know the mood we're in

-when we're on holiday?

-When we're abroad, no-one knows us.

-No.

-We're in a very different mood

-when we're on holiday.

-No-one knows us.

-We're a little bit more adventurous.

-My wife and I,

-when we're on holiday...

-I feel as if

-I'm amongst friends now.

-I can share this with you.

-What we like doing...

-..if the children aren't around...

-..we like to have sex...

-That's it. We just like to have sex.

-Once a year, ladies and gentlemen.

-I realised something.

-I made a mistake.

-As I get older,

-there's a list of mistakes...

-..a list of things

-that I shouldn't do.

-The list is growing.

-When you reach 40...

-..you realise...

-For example, men,

-when you reach a certain age...

-..we might have been

-John Travolta in our 20s...

-..but in our 40s,

-it's a good idea not to dance.

-It's not right.

-As we get older,

-you shouldn't flirt...

-..because you just look like

-a pervert.

-You do.

-Don't jump on a trampoline.

-Ladies, if you're the same age -

-short sleeves, don't wave.

-That kind of thing.

-You know what I mean.

-There's one more thing.

-There's one more thing I've

-discovered that I shouldn't do.

-Parascending.

-Have you heard about parascending?

-For those of you who don't know...

-..when you're on holiday,

-you're pulled behind a boat...

-..by a rope.

-You're in a harness

-and there's a parachute behind you.

-You get pulled by the boat,

-you rise into the sky...

-..you're pulled

-around the bay once...

-..and you land on the beach.

-Everyone thinks you're great.

-I made a mistake.

-I thought I'd like to do this.

-The second mistake, and again this

-is because I have farmer's blood.

-I choose the cheapest parascending

-company. This was in Portugal.

-The parascending experience

-was being offered on the beach.

-50 euros. Expensive as!

-Underneath there was a sign.

-'Tandem - 30 euros.'

-"That's better!"

-I thought to myself.

-"I'll go tandem," I said.

-"Yes, boss."

-I hadn't realised

-who my partner was.

-He was Spanish.

-A similar age, but unlike me,

-he'd let his beach body go.

-He didn't seem to mind at all.

-I was on the beach wearing

-my Welsh shorts to my knees...

-..and my baggy Cowbois T-shirt.

-He was covered in hair

-wearing a pair of skimpy Speedos.

-You know what Speedos are -

-also known as budgie smugglers.

-It makes you look

-as if you're smuggling a budgie.

-This one had an ostrich.

-It was huge.

-They strapped me and him

-to the same harness.

-The idea was that the parachute

-would lift us both into the sky...

-..and it would look as if I

-was giving him a piggy back.

-They strapped him behind me.

-He shouted to the bloke in the boat,

-"Start her up, Wil," in Portuguese.

-He started her up and off he went.

-There was 50 yards of beach

-before we reached the water...

-..so we had to run, in tandem,

-in this harness...

-..to catch up with the boat.

-We had to get our legs

-running together.

-I couldn't concentrate because

-I swear, this ostrich was growing.

-I could feel it rubbing

-against my back.

-This wasn't my imagination,

-I could feel it.

-I couldn't concentrate

-and I was out of synch with him.

-My legs were like jelly

-and I fell on my face.

-The Spaniard was on my back.

-I was being dragged

-along the beach...

-..with a Spaniard in Speedos

-with an erection in my back.

-We hit the water... boom, boom.

-Like two bouncing bombs.

-Thankfully, in time,

-we started rising into the sky.

-By now, I'd swallowed

-a gallon of seawater.

-The worst part was that something

-had happened to this harness.

-The Spaniard had slipped up

-and he was sitting on my head.

-The worst part of all was that

-his Speedos were in the sea.

-My children were watching

-their father in the sky...

-..with a Spaniard's cock

-on his face.

-They'd never seen

-such a thing before.

-They'd seen their mother like that

-but not their father.

-She's not here, thank goodness.

-What I like doing abroad...

-..I don't know

-if anyone else does this...

-..the Welsh language

-can be so useful when you're abroad.

-It's great.

-More often than not, no-one knows

-which language we're speaking.

-"Oh, my word, are they Danish?"

-"I don't know, I don't know.

-It's very guttural, isn't it?

-"I think they might be Dutch

-actually."

-They have no idea.

-"I think he's Italian

-because he keeps looking at me."

-Just to wind people up,

-the English mostly...

-..if you're by the pool,

-the Welsh language is so handy.

-I like speaking Welsh loudly...

-..but just to mess

-with their heads...

-..I speak in a foreign accent.

-You can speak Welsh

-in any accent at all.

-Your family will understand you.

-"'Ey, get me a bottle of water

-from the bar."

-"I don't think they're Danish."

-You can say anything at all.

-And then, just to wind things up

-a little more...

-..just to mess with their heads

-a little more...

-..say something

-in a foreign accent...

-..but throw in

-some perfect English sentences too.

-Sometimes, they think

-we don't understand them.

-"'Ey, let's walk to the town

-for supper tonight.

-"Because the restaurant prices here

-are prohibitively expensive."

-"Oh, my God, they can

-speak English. Oh, my God."

-"'Ey, look at that dickhead.

-His wife's so hot.

-"She's got lovely tits..."

-Shit, tits is an English word!

-"Did you just say something

-about my wife's tits?"

-"No." "You said something

-about my wife's tits."

-"No, we're from Wales."

-"You said tits."

-"Yeah, I did,

-but tits is Welsh for food."

-"Really?"

-"Yes. Come on then, kids,

-let's go for some tits."

-You see them later that night.

-"Oh, look,

-it's the Welsh family. Hi!

-"I can thoroughly recommend

-that restaurant - fantastic tits."

-.

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-As I get older...

-..I've started to cry more.

-I'm not talking about whimpering.

-I'm talking about real crying.

-Crying like a child.

-We've lost the ability to do so.

-I'm not talking about crying

-as if no-one likes you.

-I'm talking about crying

-like a child.

-I don't understand why

-we stopped doing it.

-The noise I used to make

-as a child when I really cried...

-..I sounded like an air raid siren.

-Mwa-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h!

-As a young boy, I had an uncle

-who was part of the D-Day landings.

-When I cried, he'd hide under the

-stairs with a saucepan on his head.

-It's effective for children.

-They get their own way

-by making this sound.

-Mwa-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h!

-It works. I do it now.

-"Do you know why we've stopped you,

-sir?"

-Mwa-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h!

-"So you're telling me I've just

-bought a dishwasher from you...

-"..200 and you won't tell me if

-it's morning or afternoon delivery?"

-Mwa-a-a-a-a-a-h-h-h-h-h-h!

-"What?

-Half past ten in the morning."

-It's effective.

-Do you remember when you used to

-cry so much, you couldn't breathe?

-M-m...

-"What are you trying to say?"

-M-m-m-m-m...

-"Slow down, Tudur, breathe."

-"OK then, we'll have sex tonight."

-It's effective.

-I've been thinking a lot about us.

-The Welsh nation.

-Welsh speakers.

-As a nation,

-we've upset many people.

-We're very good

-at winding up other people.

-We like upsetting people.

-We like the fact

-that we're a little different.

-There's one example in the

-Welsh language which is perfect.

-It shows how we like to turn

-something on its head sometimes.

-Just to be different.

-We have words for things.

-We have masculine words

-and feminine words.

-I don't quite understand the rules

-and I often get it wrong.

-Bwrdd (table) is masculine - hwn.

-This table.

-Correct? Say something.

-Cadair (chair) is feminine - hon.

-This chair.

-I don't know why. The table

-is on top of the chair. Maybe.

-I don't know the rule.

-There's one thing I've discovered.

-What's the most masculine thing?

-What's the most masculine thing

-you can think of?

-The one thing.

-I'll help you.

-Y bidlen (the penis).

-We've given it a feminine name -

-y bidlen hon.

-That's fantastic.

-We're just twisted.

-The English say,

-"Have a look at this."

-We say, "Have a look at her."

-Y bidlen hon. It's fantastic.

-Why?

-I've called mine Barbara.

-Good old Barbara.

-We all upset other people.

-I've been talking to my wife.

-She's...

-We've been married for 25 years.

-It's difficult.

-You have to work hard.

-You have to make an effort when

-you're in a long-term relationship.

-It's not my kind of thing...

-..but recently, she was invited

-to an Ann Summers party.

-It's not the type of thing we enjoy.

-Not on Anglesey.

-She came home

-with a flirty air hostess outfit.

-Fair play to her.

-She squeezed herself into it.

-It was a Small.

-The children weren't home.

-She suggested we should do

-a little role play.

-"Ooh," I said.

-There was nothing on telly -

-why not?

-She said, "Would you like

-to enter the executive lounge?

-"For some pre-flight entertainment."

-"Go on then," I said.

-10 minutes later, we'd argued.

-There were no complimentary peanuts.

-She wasn't taking it very seriously.

-In the end, she said,

-"Fuck off, the gate's just closed."

-I'd upset her.

-Words can be so strong.

-We can get confused by words.

-This is a true story.

-A few years ago, my son

-came home from school one day...

-..carrying his homework.

-It was his English homework.

-The only thing he had to do...

-..was to find facts about bats...

-..and put them in English sentences.

-It's far easier for youngsters

-these days.

-They have the Internet and Google

-for their homework.

-They just cut and paste. Often, they

-have no idea what they're writing.

-We used to rip pages

-out of encyclopaedias.

-That's what he'd done

-with these facts - Bat Facts.

-"He asked me, "Dad, can you check

-my Bat Facts, please?"

-I read his computer screen.

-He'd written neat sentences.

-1. Bats are mammals.

-Well done. You could have said

-a little more but never mind.

-There were other facts about sonar.

-There was one fact

-right at the bottom of the list.

-This is interesting.

-You can check this online tonight.

-It's true. Check it.

-"The short-nosed fruit bat...

-"..is the only other mammal

-known on this planet...

-"..that performs fellatio."

-I sense by your response

-that I'll have to explain.

-Fellatio is the posh word...

-..for oral sex.

-Ask her.

-He asked, "Is that OK, Dad?"

-"Yes, yes, yes.

-"Yes, it'll be fine, my son."

-"What does it mean, Dad?"

-"You'd better ask your mother."

-We'll have fun now,

-I thought to myself.

-"Sharon, come and read

-your boy's homework."

-Over she came,

-in her air hostess outfit.

-"Let me see. This is so tidy."

-She read the first sentence.

-"Bats are mammals.

-"They may well be, I don't know!"

-I watched her reading her way

-down the list.

-As she reached the final sentence,

-I stood back.

-"Get yourself out of this!"

-I could see her reading.

-"The short-nosed fruit bat...

-"..is the only other mammal

-that performs fellatio."

-Well, I never.

-"How could a bat do Shakespeare?"

-Everyone in Cardiff knows

-that it's oral sex, blow jobs.

-Or as my wife calls it,

-a new pair of shoes.

-I only have one pair.

-.

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-There are taboos.

-Religion. We're all aware of the

-massacre that happened in Paris.

-Charlie Hebdo. It was horrendous.

-I've been thinking a lot about this.

-As a comedian...

-We regard ourselves as people

-who can say anything on stage.

-I thought to myself, "Why not? I'm

-going to write a set about religion.

-"I'm going to write about Islam -

-why not?"

-After much thought,

-I decided not to perform the set.

-Primarily, because it was shit.

-It wasn't funny.

-I'm not stupid.

-I don't want to be killed

-having not had a laugh.

-Think of the headlines.

-Ex-S4C Presenter Killed By Islamist

-Extremist And He Wasn't Even Funny.

-I did prepare a set.

-I'll give you one of the jokes.

-This was the line.

-I once ran a business

-making religious figurines...

-..but I went bust

-because I couldn't make a prophet.

-I'm glad I didn't tell that joke.

-You must be careful,

-you must be careful.

-What I liked

-about all that business...

-..was the attitudes

-of French people.

-They didn't care

-about upsetting these people.

-We're talking about the extremists.

-You've seen it on TV,

-you see it on the news every night.

-We all know about ISIS.

-We know about these nutters.

-We know how they think.

-They want to spread their ideology

-around the world.

-They want the world to live

-by their rules.

-Even in Wales, they want

-to establish a caliphate in Wales.

-Really? Have they been to Bala?

-Imagine.

-Imagine two men in Bala talking.

-"Seen that new mosque in town?"

-"Where Caffi Cyfnod used to be?"

-"It's terrible.

-"If you went up to Plas Coch now,

-they won't serve you a pint."

-"Bloody hell."

-"No way. And another thing.

-We have to pray now."

-"I do that sometimes."

-"No, not to the same one.

-"We have to pray five times a day."

-"Bloody hell.

-"Five times a day."

-"Yes. Five times."

-"Bloody hell."

-"By the time I'd finish the first,

-I'd have to start the second.

-"If you visited Badell Aur now...

-"..and asked for a jumbo sausage

-and chips...

-"..they won't serve you."

-"Bloody hell. What can I have then?"

-"Just chips."

-"Where Caffi Cyfnod used to be,

-they said we can't eat bacon."

-"Bloody hell. Can I have gravy?"

-"Yes, you can have gravy."

-"You know the wife, your wife."

-"Meirwen?"

-"If she goes out in public,

-she has to hide her face."

-"Bloody hell.

-"It's not all bad then."

-You must be very careful.

-I'm aware that some things

-upset me sometimes.

-I try to be as tolerant as I can be.

-I try not to get upset.

-Something happened

-in our family recently.

-One of my cousins -

-we'll call her Julie...

-..she's upset the family

-in the worst possible way.

-It's not my fault - she did it.

-She's appeared in an online film.

-OK?

-I happened to watch the film...

-I'll explain.

-Oh, Julie just walked out!

-She appeared in an online film. The

-address sends shivers down my spine.

-www.screwmywife.com

-That was the website address.

-I was searching for DIY equipment at

-the time but that's another story.

-Julie appeared...

-I'd recognised my auntie's sofa.

-Auntie Margaret has a yellow sofa.

-Thank goodness she wasn't home

-when screwmywife.com were filming.

-screwmywife.com

-She wasn't meant to be on that.

-She's not even married.

-I wouldn't have minded

-watching screwmycousin.com

-It was horrible.

-As I said, I happened to recognise

-my Auntie Margaret's sofa...

-"Is that Julie? OMG."

-She was having sex

-with a stranger on the sofa.

-The worst thing about it was...

-..in Auntie Margaret's

-front room, behind the sofa...

-..she has an upright piano.

-On the piano,

-there's a school photo of me.

-This is a well-known photo

-in our family.

-I have this strange look on my face.

-My brother's ripped into me

-because of this school photo.

-I remember it being taken

-when I was 13 years old.

-I remember the photographer

-taking the photo.

-They're under pressure

-to get through all the photos.

-He was a miserable man.

-I remember standing in line

-and my turn came.

-He said something to me and to this

-day, I can't remember what it was.

-"Smile, sunshine" or something.

-I didn't understand him.

-I just replied, "Uh?"

-Just as he took the photo.

-There's a school photo of me

-like this.

-My brother says I look like

-a pervert in the photo.

-I've ignored his comments.

-But with the foreground interest

-on screwmywife.com...

-..it was so unpleasant to see

-my 13-year-old face like this.

-Being revealed from behind

-a stranger's backside.

-It's left its mark.

-It's left its mark on me.

-It's left a mark on the sofa,

-that's for sure.

-Sometimes,

-you have to frighten yourself.

-This is important.

-It's something I do.

-Frighten yourself at least

-once a day. It keeps you fresh.

-It keeps the heart pumping.

-I frightened myself recently.

-I pulled Barbara out

-in front of a full-length mirror.

-In B&Q.

-I like tools.

-As I get older, I like tools.

-You can touch them in B&Q.

-Someone else I've upset recently...

-..is my brother-in-law.

-My sister's married an Englishman.

-From London.

-I'm not saying too much.

-She moved to London,

-she's been there for years.

-He doesn't understand

-a word of Welsh. Not even hello.

-His name's Colin. He calls himself

-Crazy Colin because he's a... knob!

-He is.

-He's one of these people...

-..you phone them and they're out,

-there's an answer machine.

-He's added 'humorous' poems

-in English.

-It gets on my nerves.

-I phoned them just before Christmas.

-"Twinkle twinkle little star

-I bet you're wondering where we are.

-It doesn't end there.

-"If you can make

-your message rhyme...

-"..we'll call you back

-in half the time."

-That's the bell-end level

-we're dealing with.

-I remember thinking...

-.."Do I have to go through this

-every time I leave a message?

-"OK, Colin, you win,

-I'll have a go.

-"I called round earlier,

-must have missed her.

-"Here's a message for my sister.

-"Got the message... no. Yes.

-"Got the present, can you thank her?

-By the way, you are a..."

-I couldn't help myself!

-.

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-Sometimes I feel we're too polite

-as a nation.

-We are too polite.

-We're too tolerant.

-We make excuses. People phone up

-and we're too polite.

-English speakers phone us, "Hello,

-can I speak to the homeowner?"

-"It's me speaking."

-"I have your name down as something.

-Oh, my gosh, what's that?"

-"Yes, it's Welsh.

-No, it's hard for you, yeah."

-"Oh, my God,

-I can't pronounce that...

-"..without filling

-the telephone with spit."

-"Funny, yes.

-"Funny. Yes."

-"Is that Welsh,

-is that a Welsh accent?

-"Yes, Welsh, yes."

-"I'm not going to try and pronounce

-the address - I'll be here all day."

-"It's hard for you, yes."

-"Actually, actually, my grandmother

-on my father's side was from Wales.

-"Yes, I remember. I remember when

-I was a child. We used to visit her.

-"I can't pronounce the name

-of the place she lived."

-"Oh, nice. Yes."

-"She used to speak the language.

-Is it the Welsh language?

-"She'd use this phrase.

-I can still remember it now.

-"Dos i gwely, hogyn drwg

-(Go to bed, naughty boy)."

-"Oh, nice."

-"What does it mean?

-Do you know what it means?"

-"I know what it means, yes. Go to

-bed, you son of the English whore."

-"Really?"

-"Yes.

-"It can also mean, I wish my boy

-had married a nice Welsh girl."

-We're too polite.

-This is what we should do.

-They phone up.

-"Can I speak to the homeowner?"

-"Yes, who's speaking please?"

-"My name's Geoff."

-"What?!"

-"What did you say?"

-"My name's Geoff."

-"Wow, what kind of name is that?"

-"It's Geoff."

-"How do you spell that?"

-"G-E-O-F-F."

-"Gay-off!

-"Where the bloody hell are you from,

-Gay-off."

-"I'm phoning from Loughborough."

-"What the fuck did you just say?"

-"Loughborough."

-"Where? Is that a place?

-"How do you spell that?"

-"Lou-ga-boug!"

-Geoff's not phoned me since then.

-Is it me or are we...?

-I feel as if we're under siege

-in Wales, the Welsh speakers.

-I feel as if more and more people

-are attacking us, our language...

-..and our culture.

-I don't know if it's as a result

-of Facebook and Twitter.

-It's more evident now. People

-say things and get away with it.

-If they said the same things about

-other people, they'd get locked up.

-Someone who was writing

-for The Times...

-..his name was Roger Lewis.

-He said something

-and this has stuck in my mind.

-It still boils my blood.

-He described our language as

-"that moribund monkey language."

-Do you remember it -

-that moribund monkey language?

-It's stayed with me

-for many reasons.

-Monkey language.

-What a stupid thing to say?

-What a stupid way

-to describe a language.

-If it were a language monkeys spoke,

-the language would be safe.

-If monkeys spoke Welsh, people

-would sign up to learn the language.

-Imagine David Attenborough.

-"Here I am, in the foothills

-of the Kigali mountains.

-"In the Congo.

-"Just behind me over there,

-just in those trees...

-"..are a very special

-group of monkeys."

-"Let's see if we can hear them."

-"Oooh-oooh-aaah-aaah."

-"Can you hear?"

-"Oooh-oooh-aaah-aaah. OK, lad?"

-"That's right. These monkeys

-are actually speaking Welsh.

-"Let's listen again."

-"The telly people are back again."

-"It's that Attenborough bloke.

-"His brother died, poor dab.

-"You need to watch the other bloke.

-"He understands everything.

-Iolo the birdman."

-Friends, my time is almost up.

-I hope we'll meet again soon.

-I hope I'm invited back

-to this theatre.

-We might meet in this world

-or the next.

-We don't know.

-Do you know what bothers me?

-We've discussed upsetting people.

-If we find

-that there's another place...

-..and if the people we knew

-have already gone there...

-..are we upsetting them now?

-Can they see what we're doing

-down here? This scares me.

-I imagine myself going up.

-It worries me.

-I see everyone there.

-"Hello! Great, there is

-another place. Wow! Hiya, Mam."

-Mam would be standing there

-like this.

-"In B&Q, Tudur."

-I'll give you one story before I go.

-I was reminded about this today.

-Again, it's a rather painful memory.

-For the past three years,

-I've helped the Walk On campaign

-I've spoken about mistakes I made.

-That was one mistake -

-agreeing to help out.

-Had I known, I'd have just

-given them money or my house.

-I made a mistake on the walk we did,

-not last year but the previous year.

-We were walking

-from Swansea to Caernarfon.

-Here's what happened.

-The greatest mistake I made was

-not investing enough in underpants.

-I didn't realise that you need

-specialist underpants.

-Normal underpants were useless.

-They sold specialist pants

-in hiking shops.

-I didn't know they existed.

-The Walk On crew told me to go and

-buy walking shoes and underpants.

-OK then, and I went.

-I went to Climbing and Rambling

-in Betws-y-Coed.

-I went in

-and they didn't speak Welsh.

-"Um... walking, I'm going to be

-walking a long way, 200 miles...

-"..and I need 'trons' (pants).

-"I need, um, underpants.

-"The best underpants you've got."

-The lady showed me

-these specialist underpants...

-..made from the wool

-of the merino sheep.

-SOMEONE BLOWS THEIR NOSE

-One of our farmers

-is not a big fan of that breed!

-There weren't any

-Welsh mountain sheep underpants!

-The wool of the merino sheep.

-"These underpants

-are specially in from Canada.

-"They soak up the sweat,

-they're seamless."

-Literally, they were seamless.

-"Wow. Ideal. I'll take a pair."

-"Oh, excellent."

-I was going to be walking for

-eight days. I asked for two pairs!

-She said, "Good, that'll be 60."

-"What? 60 for two pairs of pants.

-"Do you have anything cheaper?"

-She showed me cheaper underpants

-from China.

-These were nylon. They had seams,

-stitched with nylon stitching.

-"These are 5 for three."

-"Ideal," I replied.

-"I'll take a tenner's worth."

-That could last me six months.

-I bought the underpants

-and started the walk.

-On the first day,

-we walked from Swansea to Llanelli.

-I had some tinglings

-down in my nether regions.

-I told the crew who were walking

-with me about my tinglings.

-"Oh, it'll go. Have a hot bath

-and a pint and you'll be fine."

-"OK," I replied.

-I felt OK the next morning.

-We were heading to Carmarthen

-that day.

-When we reached

-the aptly-named Cwm Cerrig...

-..the tinglings...

-The nylon stitching

-was like a cheese wire.

-Barbara was in bits.

-I was screaming in pain.

-You've heard of Cwm Cerrig.

-It's advertised on S4C.

-They hang their meat

-for a fortnight.

-By the time we arrived,

-I couldn't move. It was agonising.

-Rhys Meirion was out in front.

-# I'll send an angel... #

-That stupid red hat.

-I wanted to kill him.

-They were singing about

-sending angels - send an ambulance!

-We reached Cwm Cerrig and we had

-a doctor walking with us - Dylan.

-I'm good friends with him now.

-The whole crew are good friends.

-I said, "Dyl, can you take a look?

-I'm in such pain.

-"I've done some terrible damage.

-Do you mind having a look?"

-"OK," he said.

-We had a caravanette

-following us with pills and cream.

-It also carried water.

-We went in and Dyl told me

-to drop my trousers to have a look.

-I did.

-He said something you'd never want

-to hear your doctor say...

-..when he's examining you.

-He looked at me and said...

-.."Fuckin' hell."

-There was blood. He tried his best.

-I was stood in the caravanette

-with my trousers down...

-..and Dylan was

-kneeling in front of me.

-He went through a bucket

-of Sudocrem and wipes.

-He managed to stop the blood

-and he spread the cream everywhere.

-He had to move Barbara

-and cup the weight.

-I'll never forget this.

-Something happened.

-I was standing there,

-sweating pints...

-..Dylan was down there.

-"I don't know how to thank you

-for this.

-"I'm sure you didn't think

-you'd have to do this on this walk."

-"No, no."

-"I'm so grateful.

-I'll be forever indebted to you.

-"I think you've saved me

-on this walk."

-I'll never forget this.

-He looked up.

-"Tudur, I'm not a real doctor.

-"I have a PhD in history

-from Aberystwyth."

-Until next time, goodnight.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

-.