Episode 2 Best of Top Gear

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Good evening. Thank you so much. Thank you.

Now... Thank you.

Now, our deep and profound love on this show for Alfa Romeo

is a triumph of hope over reality.

We always pray that their new models will be brilliant

but we sort of know they won't be, and then they never are.

But what about this, the new and very pretty 4C?

Well, Richard Hammond has been to northern Italy

in the sunshine to find out all about it.

Jammy little bu...

CHURCH BELL TOLLS

Right, let's get this straight.

I'm in a mid-engined two-seater Alfa Romeo...

..the first proper Alfa sports car for 20 years.

And I'm driving it in northern Italy on a lovely day.

In theory, things don't get much better.

But, predictably, there are one or two problems.

First of all, it's going to cost around £45,000.

And that's a fair bit, especially as you don't get a V8, or even V6.

What you do get is a turbo-charged, reworked version of the 1.7 litre,

four-cylinder engine from a Giulietta hatchback.

And under here...

Well, I don't know what's under here cos the bonnet is bolted shut.

It's bolted shut for the same reason this car has no power steering,

and no proper climate control -

to save weight.

That's why it has the same sort of

carbon-fibre chassis as a Formula 1 car.

It's why there's almost no metal in the body at all.

The upshot is, the 4C weighs just 925kg.

That's about half what a Mercedes SLK weighs.

And on a road like this, that really pays dividends.

Oh, come on!

Lovely.

Because it's light, it's unbelievably agile.

It changes direction like a kitten chasing a spider.

And because there's no power steering, I can feel

far more at the steering wheel. I know what the wheels are doing.

It grips...

fabulously.

It doesn't need a massive engine -

it's got 237 brake horsepower. Do you know what? That is enough.

More than enough.

0 to 60 takes four-and-a-half seconds.

The top speed is 160.

And yet, because of the lightness, it'll do 40 miles to the gallon.

Drop a window, sample the noise.

LOUD REVS

Oh! Lovely little crackle on the up-shift.

Oh, it's great.

This little Alfa is growing on me with a speed

and ferocity that I've never before encountered.

It's just getting under my skin.

Because it's not like anything else...

Oh, my God!

What?

What are you doing here?

As you well know, Hammond, we receive thousands of letters

every single week from viewers and they all say the same thing.

"Dear Top so-called Gear, the Alfa 4C,

"is it better than a quad bike?"

Well, I can clear than one up straightaway - yes, it is because

quad bikes are slow, ugly, noisy, stupid and incredibly dangerous.

I don't mean dangerous like you might fall off,

I mean like they want to kill you.

Everybody I know, pretty much,

who's ever tried one, has been killed by it at some point.

That's as may be, but we need to settle this,

-so we're going to have a race.

-We're going to race?

-Yeah.

-You on that, presumably?

-Yeah.

-Me in that?

-Yeah.

Jeremy's proposal was a race from the top of Lake Como

to a hotel terrace at the bottom.

I would take the 43-mile lakeside route,

whilst he would attempt to go as the crow flies.

Good, you're going to be killed and last.

And so, at exactly 10.37am, the race began.

Here we go.

Let me talk you through my quad.

It's called a Gibbs Quadski,

designed and engineered in Britain, built just outside Detroit,

and the engine is German - a 1.3 from a BMW motorcycle.

And you have 40 horsepower.

Doesn't sound like much but, like the Alfa, it's light.

Apparently it has the same power-to-weight ratio

as a helicopter.

He's mad. I mean, he doesn't stand a chance.

I know what he's thinking -

he's imagining he'll be crashing off-road and cutting corners.

He won't - he'll be bumbling through the woods on little tracks,

he'll get stuck, fall off, he'll break a leg - maybe two.

Hammond was wrong. My legs were fine,

but I had got into a bit of a pickle trying to find a short cut.

Totally lost.

Literally no idea which...

No idea.

I'm just in weeds...

Oh, now which way?

With Jeremy stuck in the undergrowth,

I had time to admire one of the most beautiful places on Earth.

Ah! Mountains, pretty village - all present and correct.

Coming through.

See, this scooter rider will not mind me whizzing past in my Alfa Romeo,

because I know he loves Alfa Romeo just as much, if not more, than I do.

We have to love Alfa, it's the law.

Meanwhile...

Oh, God. No, wait.

Many nettles.

This may have a top speed of 40

but I'm not doing that now, really.

Happily, however,

Hammond was about to discover one of the Alfa's drawbacks - its girth.

Oh, no! Oh, my God, this is narrow!

Oh! That's...

This car is wide.

That's a problem.

So what were they thinking when they've got streets like this?

I mean... Oh!

Still, could be worse.

Ohh!

Oh, no! Now look what I've done.

I've accidentally crashed into Lake Como.

But it's OK, because if I push this little button here...

..the wheels have folded up and now I'm on a jet ski.

Oh, and it gets better because, on land, it has 40 horsepower,

but here on water it has 140.

ENGINE REVS

I know exactly what music we have to play now.

# We are sailing... #

No, not that! Cue the Bond!

MUSIC: "James Bond Theme" by John Barry

Here we go - 45mph!

Hammond, you've had it! Wherever you are, you can't beat this.

Narrow. Really narrow. Really wide car.

I'd like to be driving something narrower now, like a bus.

Right, clear of town, press on.

So let's just get this straight -

I'm wearing a wet white shirt and I'm in a lake - I'm Mr Darcy!

Come on!

There is Richard Hammond.

Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!

I'll slow down a bit.

-'Hello? Hello?'

-Er, hello. Where are you?

'To your left, mate, to your left.'

You can't be to my left. How can you be to my... What?!

'Have you ever seen a machine like this?'

What are you on? Is that the same quad?

It certainly is.

And I'm afraid I must now say goodbye.

'Cheerio. See you soon.'

Cheating sod!

He can just go straight across the lake now.

I've got to go all the way down the bottom here

and back up the other side. I'm going to lose this,

and he's going to do his stupid smug face.

Spurred on by the horror of his face...

..I put the hammer down.

Come on, little Alfa.

We were neck and neck,

but then Jeremy got distracted by an Italian ferry.

Look at that!

What a machine.

I'm sorry I'm hearing the Bond music again now.

You want a race?

I'll give you a race.

Oh, come on, I can't lose this!

By this stage, I'd disentangled myself from the hydrofoil,

but had run into another problem - Lake Como's weird winds.

Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

I think we've got some chop.

Whoa!

I've lost ten miles... Aw!

Ow, my back bottom!

Whoa! Wow!

They slow you down a bit.

Oh, my giddy aunt, that's a big one.

I'm now down to 15mph, and I can't realistically

go any faster, cos I can't see where I'm bloody going.

The vicious chop had put Hammond back in the lead.

We have to beat him.

Thankfully, on the lake, I'd found calmer water.

45mph.

We are back in this race.

There he is. There is Richard Hammond.

Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no! Oh, no!

Goodbye, Hammond.

He is history.

It certainly seemed that way,

because pretty soon the hotel was in sight.

There it is, there's the finishing line.

So, I was definitely going to win this.

But then I realised the victory would be a bit hollow.

Obviously, I want to beat Hammond,

of course I do...

..but I don't want to beat that Alfa Romeo, because, to me,

Alfas are special.

They're really special.

This is a bit like having a running race with your four-year-old son -

yes, of course you can win, but...

you don't really want to.

It's not far now.

Little Alfa, I think we have to accept the inevitable.

He's not there, is he?

In a few minutes, Hammond would arrive

and see my Quadski moored alongside the hotel's jetty.

Damn and blast, I'm going to win this.

Nothing I can do.

But then I spotted a hidey-hole.

Yes!

Sometimes I stagger even myself with my genius.

Oh, no. Oh, no. I'm so sorry.

Right, where is he?

This is the terrace.

Up here, maybe.

Do you know what?

He no here. I don't know how. What I've done is win...

-..in that little Alfa.

-Hammond!

-Mate.

-Well done.

-You beat me fair and square.

-I did.

-In the Alfa.

-Do you know? I would have bet £1 million...

when I overtook you, I was going to win...

Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hiddleston.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

-How are you?

-Very well, thank you.

-Look!

-Thank you. Thank you.

-Have a seat.

-Thank you.

I was half expecting you to ask the audience to kneel before you.

Not here. I haven't got my horns with me.

-So let's get on to your car history if I may.

-Yes, sure.

-Your first car, then, what was it?

-It was a Peugeot 106.

Mmm(!)

-Yeah. It was quite adventurous.

-Mmm(!)

-1.1.

-Wow(!)

-Really phwoar - when you floored it, you felt it.

-It was a 1.1 what?

-They always had silly names.

-Zest.

-Yeah, there you go.

-Sounds like a washing powder.

-It sounds like lemon juice.

-It does.

I bought it with my first paycheck for some TV work that I got

-while I was at university, and I kept that for ten years.

-Ten years?!

Ten whole years. All the way through my 20s, yeah.

But I presume that, obviously,

-now, as result of you being Loki in the Thor franchise...

-Indeed, yes.

..there's no need now to drive around in cars with zesty names?

Well, I'm very fortunate to drive a Jaguar.

And as you probably know,

I'm part of a campaign that they have recently done. And they are...

Weirdly, Jaguar's been part of my life for the last couple of years,

cos I keep playing characters in films who drive Jaguars.

What, does Loki drive a Jag(?)

I think Loki drives a spaceship.

-Yes, he does. Is it a Jag spaceship?

-It is a Jag.

Goes to the petrol station and goes,

"Oh, dear, my dear, I seem to have left my wallet at home.

-"This is embarrassing."

-I'm sure he would approve.

-Caddish spaceship.

-Yup.

This Jag commercial, I don't know if anybody's seen it.

Have a look at this.

Have you ever noticed how in Hollywood movies

-all the villains are played by Brits?

-Maybe we just sound right.

-Good evening, sir.

-Thank you, Mary.

We're more focused.

More precise.

We're always one step ahead.

With a certain style. An eye for detail.

And we're obsessed by power.

A stiff upper lip is key.

And we all drive Jaguars.

Oh, yes, it's good to be back.

CHEERING

The line I like most in that is Mark Strong's

because he goes, "We all drive Jaguars."

It should be, "We all drive Jaguars...NOW."

Right!

"As a result of this."

-Or indeed a helicopter.

-Was that really filmed in London?

It was all filmed in London. It was one of the most extraordinary evenings of my life.

We were allowed to go over central London at about 500 feet

and the door of the helicopter was open

and Tom Hooper, who directed, was sitting behind the camera

and we were up banking right and I was leaning out the window

and at a certain point he said, "I'm afraid we have to cut."

Good, that's completely fine. "Cut." Aargh!

It's really high, you know what I mean?

When the cameras were running, I was like, "I got this,

"a bit more focus, more precise," and as soon as it was cut,

I was like, "God, the window's open! Someone shut the door."

It's a good point, that. It's a very good business that is raised

in that commercial about the number of Brits who are baddies - obviously

Rickman and Hopkins...

Alan Rickman, Anthony Hopkins.

I guess it started with James Mason back in the day.

I thought you were going to say James May!

The world's longest and most boring film!

The undiscovered British villain, James May.

What is it that you think that the Brits bring to a Hollywood movie?

I genuinely think it's because

Americans think we're inherently distrustful. They think...

-AMERICAN ACCENT:

-"Oh, my God, your accent. You're so sneaky."

Or something.

It's a delusion, of course.

They like seeing us fail, that's what it is.

Because you have to fail, obviously, if you're the baddie.

That's probably what it is.

Now, your career began, I believe, at Slough Comprehensive.

-It certainly did, yup.

-As the front leg of an elephant?

I was the front leg of an elephant carrying Eddie Redmayne.

-He was grand enough to be the passenger of the elephant.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I was the arse of a donkey once.

I ended up here as a result of that.

And then you did the obligatory...

-MIMICS FILM TRAILER:

-The greatest arse of a donkey in the world.

LAUGHTER

CHEERING

-That was very good!

-Sorry, couldn't help it.

No, that was...

Somebody said you were a good mimic. Is that something...?

It's something I've done. I've done it my whole life.

I remember, when I was a child, they used to have a double tape deck,

and I would record my own radio show,

with all these different voices.

They were basically voices of people I'd heard off the telly, you know.

-Phillip Schofield and...

-Could you still do Phillip Schofield?

-I don't know. I don't even know if...

-Actually, don't bother.

-I wouldn't know what he sounded like.

-Throw me another one.

-Anthony Hopkins.

-HE MIMICS:

-Oh, Tony Hopkins... Yeah.

Have you had him on the show? Top Gear.

Yes, I'd love to be on the show. I'd like to drive fast round a track.

Being taught to drive by The Stig, great man, great man, I'd love to do that.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Let's think of some more names.

Anyone got any more names we can fire?

-Try to make them men, cos that's probably easier.

-Yeah.

-SOMEONE SHOUTS OUT

-What? Arnold Schwarzenegger?

-Arnold Schwarzenegger.

-SOMEONE SHOUTS OUT

-What was that?

-Paul O'Grady.

-I think I'll go for Schwarzenegger.

I'm trying to think of something he says.

-AS SCHWARZENEGGER:

-I know now why you cry.

That sounded a little bit like Peter O'Toole. Sorry about that.

-AS O'TOOLE:

-I know now you cry.

-That is quite a skill.

-Yeah.

-And what are you doing now?

Anything exciting?

I'm just finishing a run of Coriolanus in the West End,

which I've enjoyed hugely.

And I'm about to go to Toronto to make a horror film

with Guillermo del Toro, if you know him,

the Mexican director who directed Pan's Labyrinth.

-Who did one with Tilda Swinton as well just recently?

-That's correct.

There's a film called Only Lovers Left Alive, which is coming out

in the UK, I think, on 21st February,

and it's basically a love story.

Tilda and I play a couple who are vampires, so...

-Oh, it's about a vampire film?

-It's a vampire film, but we're vegetarians, we don't bite.

-Vegetarian vampires.

-Vegetarian vampires.

-This I need to see.

We're much too classy for all that 15th-century nonsense.

Now, I'm conscious of the time, cos I know that you are appearing

-on stage this evening in Coriolanus.

-In Coriolanus, yes.

Which calls for you at the end, I understand,

to be strung upside down, bleeding profusely.

That's how it goes down, yeah.

-Spoiler!

-Yeah.

It is a 450-year-old text, so I think it's OK(!)

Did it occur to you when you were driving around the track,

that if you had an accident, you could save the make-up?

-If I just roll the car, crash it...

-You could turn up...

..and say, "I have my 27 wounds upon me."

27 wounds, blood gouting...

So, did you crash?

-I didn't crash, per se.

-Good.

-Because, well, shall we have a look?

-Let's have a look. I'm very nervous.

-It was very wet out there.

-Who would like to see the lap?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Let's have a look. Play the tape.

Three, two, one...

-Oh, I've stalled the

-BLEEP!

No way!

APPLAUSE

Oh, the shame!

Yeah, you've got double first from Cambridge, have you not?

-In classics?

-I did. I did.

But you can't set off in a Vauxhall Astra?

-Oh, dear.

-Anyway, let's see the finished product, shall we?

-When you actually set off.

-Right.

-Here we go.

ENGINE REVS

Ooh, that's a lot of clutch.

Come on. Come on!

BLEEP.

Come on!

God Almighty, that's wet.

Doing well, though.

Go, go, go. Go, go, go, take the bend hard, take the bend hard.

Use the track.

Yeah, use the track. Better.

God, you've actually got that thing sliding.

-Normally, it's got very good grip.

-Yeah, it was very puddly out there.

# I'm for ever driving in puddles. #

Right, could you see the lines at the Hammerhead?

-Yeah, just about, cos it was very tight.

-Very difficult.

-Yeah.

Hugh Bonneville was here last week.

He said he couldn't see the lines cos it was so wet.

-It's weird in England...

-Yeah.

-..to have two wet days(!)

Floor it.

-You're not doing it flat.

-Come on!

-You are! No, you're not.

-LAUGHTER

I was going to say, that's ballsy on a day like today.

Stupid but ballsy.

Right. Ooh, the tail coming out. You are very committed to this.

There you go. Second-to-last corner. That's very nicely done. Gambon.

-More under-steer.

-A bit safe, a bit safe?

-No, I disagree.

-There we are, across the line.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Now, we've only ever had one wet lap, which was last week -

Hugh Bonneville - so where do you think you've come,

bearing that in mind?

Oh, I'm a bit worried I haven't beaten Hugh.

It'd be nice to be somewhere around that area.

Right, somewhere around that...

-There's Ron Howard. He directed Rush.

-He did.

Ron Howard - that was dry.

He was just basically hopeless.

Hugh was 1.50.1.

-OK.

-And you, Tom Hiddleston,

1...

-Which is good.

-That's good? OK.

..40...

AUDIENCE GASPS

..but only just.

..9.9.

Oh! There we go.

Well...

All right. Thank you.

In the wet?

Very wet.

-Thank you! I got a V.

-Special very wet.

Well, I must let you go, which is a shame,

because I'm much enjoying all of this.

-Ladies and gentlemen, Tom Hiddleston!

-Thank you.

Now, on this show we like to test cars for everybody -

rock stars, billionaires, Arab oil sheiks.

We like to think that we're more inclusive

than the BBC regional news programme.

But there is one group of motorists that we always ignore. Caravannists.

Yes, and because there are half a million caravans in Britain -

in fact, we buy more caravans than any other European nation -

the producer said that Jeremy and I should address this issue.

Yes, they told us to do a proper comparison test

like they do in Which? magazine, and they told us not to muck about.

LAUGHTER

These are the cars caravannists like -

jacked-up diesel hatchbacks with part-time four-wheel drive,

so they can deal with muddy campsites

They're all terrible.

I know they're all terrible but they're very popular.

The Nissan Kumquat is the sixth bestselling car in Britain.

-We have to decide which one of these is best.

-You mean the least worst.

All right, the least worst.

-Right, you pick a key and we'll start with that.

-Here we go.

I think this is how most caravanners end up with their cars.

-They just get the keys from a bowl at a party.

-Toyota RAV4.

Here it is. It has a 2.2-litre engine,

prices start at £22,000.

However, it does sit in a rather high insurance group

and for that reason, because we have to be ruthless,

we must eliminate it straightaway.

Good work, James. Crisp delivery, full of facts.

-However, this is a Mitsubishi Outlander.

-Is it?

It's not a RAV4. They all look exactly the same.

To try and find some differences, we took them all for a spin

and very soon, we came to a startling conclusion.

They're all exactly the same to drive as well -

they are all very dreary.

Let me explain my problem with cars of this type.

This is a Honda Civic, this is a Honda CRV.

They have exactly the same engine,

they seat exactly the same number of people

and they have the same level of crash protection and safety.

But caravanners choose the CRV, which is more expensive to buy,

more expensive to run and nowhere near as nice to drive

because it suits their annual holiday requirements.

That's like clomping around in ski boots all year

because every February you go to the Alps.

I mean, I like snorkelling,

but I don't go shopping every day in a face mask because it saves...

As Jeremy ranted on,

I drew up a big chart showing all the facts

that caravannists care about.

Insurance, CO2 emissions, maximum towing weights and so on.

And with this, we can start to see what's what.

This is the chart our researchers have drawn up.

And straightaway we can see there's a problem with the Peugeot 3008 which is the...

blue one?

-It's the brown one.

-Well, whatever. Because look here.

The maximum towing weight on average is two tonnes.

The Chevrolet, two tonnes. Ford is 2.1.

Two tonnes, two tonnes, two tonnes.

But the Peugeot, because it's a hybrid,

it can only pull half a tonne.

-Yes, it's a...

-It couldn't even pull me.

No, it's a good point you're bringing up, very significant.

The Nissan Kumquat, it may be the sixth bestselling car in Britain,

but look, 1.4 tonnes against generally two tonnes.

-That's not really good enough.

-We can eliminate both.

-This is very professional work we're doing here.

-It is.

I think we must turn now to price.

I'm looking here at the Chevrolet Captiva.

It's over £28,000 and look at its insurance group.

And the road tax because it's not that good on emissions.

-So you'd eliminate the Captiva for being too expensive?

-Yes.

And I would like to draw your attention to this.

The SsangYong Korando, under £19,000.

-Can you see anything wrong with that?

-Yes, I'd rather have warts.

We spent several hours going through all the numbers

in a professional Caravan Club type way

until we were left with just two cars -

the Mazda CX-5 and the top-selling Volkswagen Tiguan.

On paper, both are well priced and both have low emissions

and frugal diesel engines but which is the least worst?

To find out, we've devised a series of caravan-relevant tests,

starting with which one can do the best J-turn.

-The Mazda went first.

-OK, here we go.

Ready? Brake and spin it round!

Into first and away. Not bad. Not bad at all.

But before I tried the VW, there was a problem.

What does he want?

James? What does he want?

-He says it's not very relevant to caravanning.

-What isn't?

-J-turns.

-Don't caravanners do J-turns?

-He says no.

-Well, there we are.

So that's not a relevant test, as it turns out.

To get a better idea of what tests we should be doing,

we were told to spend a day with our cars living like caravannists.

Er, right. James is in the wrong car.

Cock.

First of all, we decided to go to something called the tip,

which we've been told is something caravannists do a lot.

There's one there that you can throw your bra in.

-Why would you throw your bras away?

-Or your clothes?

Or your mobile phone? Why would you throw your mobile phone away?

-Look, washing machines.

-"What shall we throw away today, darling?"

"I know, the spin drier."

"What's for supper?" "I've thrown the cooker away."

That's what they've done. They've just come and thrown their cookers away.

It's brand-new!

That man just pulled up in his Mercedes and threw this away.

It's dirty but...

It's even... Look, bar code.

He's just bought this from a shop, come down here and thrown it away.

She's got something else. Is it massive?

Yes, it's the wardrobe door. Just taken the door off the wardrobe and thrown it away.

Before leaving this strange place,

we did something else caravanners enjoy.

We washed our cars.

SQUEAKING

And then we went to caravannist heaven.

EASY LISTENING MUSIC

-This any good?

-Oh, there's some chain.

Plastic sheeting.

Suitable for domestic use.

-No, we need a bit more heavy-duty.

-Wait a minute.

Soon our trolley was full of many things

we thought caravanners might buy.

-Quicklime, shovels.

-Zinc tub, axes.

Duct tape. Saws. Rope.

We then took all our new stuff to the tip and threw it away.

Having washed our cars again...

SQUEAKING

We set off for the garden centre

and on the way I tried to solve a knotty problem.

Last year, in Britain,

10,500 people bought a Volkswagen Tiguan.

3,000 bought a Mazda CX-5.

Even though the Mazda is less expensive to buy,

it uses less fuel, it's cheaper to insure,

it's kinder to Johnny Polar Bear so the road tax is cheaper. So why?

What's wrong with it? What is it that puts a caravanner off this car?

At the garden centre, I thought I'd found the answer.

CAR GRUNTS

What was that?

What did I just hit?

It's got automatic brakes!

It stopped without me asking it to

because it thought I was going to hit the hedge. Get in.

Try and run me down.

Oh, all right(!)

Now, if this doesn't work, you all heard him say, "Try to run me down."

In order to be even more thorough, I decided to test it on James's car.

Here we go. Ready?

A bit baffled,

we went back to the job of getting into a caravanning state of mind.

-Look, pansies! There we go.

-Are those petunias?

SQUEAKING

SQUEAKING

-Look at that.

-That is a duck.

-That is a duck.

-Put it in the book.

Things were going well but as night fell,

I realised the earlier crash had broken my Mazda's intercooler.

Engine inspection required. There's an engine warning light.

There's every warning light there is.

This is not going much further so I'm going to shove it in that car park over there

and wait for a tow truck.

Weirdly, this remote woodland car park was full of other cars just like mine.

Look at this.

This is really clever.

You can have one interior light on or two or all four.

Dim. Bright. Dim. Bright.

Dim. Bright.

SQUEAKING

This is so dirty.

That's got it. There you go.

Is that Stan Collymore over there?

Flash your lights.

Again.

No. No, it's Phil Mitchell.

We were waiting in the car park for quite some time.

And the following morning, the memories were still with us.

But having spent the day as caravanners,

we did at least know how we should be testing our cars.

So we put the Stig into the VW, hitched it up to a caravan,

and asked him to set a lap time.

Three, two, one, go.

-What just fell over in there?

-Scrabble.

Now, we should explain

the Volkswagen has a part-time four-wheel-drive system

which will cut in should sensors detect

he's about to lose control.

-And he probably is there.

-Here we go.

-Now we can be feeding power to the back end as well.

-He's through.

He's looking good, looking good. Coming up to Chicago.

-Wobbly, very wobbly there.

-Ooh, completely sideways!

He's gathered it up with an armful of oppo, which is what you should do if that happens.

That's a five-wheel drift!

Top speed of the Tiguan with the caravan attached is just 70mph.

Whoa!

-But look at that.

-This is an object lesson for caravanners.

There's no need to dawdle. You really can get your foot down.

-The wheel!

-No!

-It's come off!

-He's still going.

-I know!

-We should move back!

He's coming in a shower of sparks towards the line.

And across the line.

-Two minutes 15.82.

-So there we are.

Next it was the turn of the Mazda.

Three, two, one.

-TYRES SQUEAL

-Whoa!

Right. Now we should bear in mind

the Mazda has ten more horsepowers than the Volkswagen.

It has, I think, 30 or 40 more torques.

In theory, then, it should be faster.

However...

-Smoke coming off the brakes!

-Smoke pouring off.

Whoa!

Having declared the Tiguan the victor by default,

we took the Stig to the tip and threw him away.

Then, as we were leaving, the producers ambushed us with a challenge.

-"You are stupid idiots."

-Er, hello?!

"J-turns and high-speed laps with the Stig are not relevant.

"In order to determine which of your cars is actually best,

"YOU will now do some caravanning."

-Really?

-I knew it would come to this.

"We have booked one luxury space at an exclusive caravan site

"in the prestigious New Forest.

"The one who arrives last sleeps the night."

The start point was several miles away from the site,

so while James applied some comedy stickers to his Hurricane XL

and my Hurricane GTX,

I studied the map.

So there's the caravan site.

Now, I could drive to it on the roads but that would be antisocial.

I would hold people up, people who are going about their lawful business.

So why don't I just drive cross-country?

I mean, it's not exactly the Himalayas, is it?

With our vans loaded,

we were ready to go.

HE MOUTHS

Hey!

No, no, no.

Aha!

Yes! The mighty...

No! No, no. How's he done that?

Annoyingly, James had not only taken the lead

but he'd also had the same idea as me about going off-road.

That's tracking straight and true.

There's no way Jeremy can get past here.

Looking for an overtake.

Not happening.

Come on, May.

Soon we had different ideas about which way to go.

Bit choppy but I think it's shorter.

And with Mr Slowly out of the way,

I could unleash the more powerful Mazda.

Come on!

Yes!

Argh!

Up we go.

It's amazing the ease with which the CX-5 is pulling the Hurricane GTX.

This is what this car was designed to do.

Get you the best plot on the campsite.

Oh, no! No!

Meanwhile, my short cut had got a bit boggy.

So nearly out.

If I can just get it to climb up onto that other rutty bit...

That's coming. Here we go.

Yes! Ha-ha!

You've got one of these, you can do that.

I, meanwhile, had found a track where I could go even faster.

That is very quick now. Good, looking good.

However...

Oh, look at this.

The sheer pull of the 2.2 litre turbo-diesel engine

has ripped the front from the Hurricane.

And I couldn't back off because suddenly James was right behind me.

He-he!

Coming up on me. He's gaining.

And then...

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Oh, no.

This is disastrous. I'm actually driving through Jeremy's caravan.

Are things as bad back there as I suspect they are?

Let me put it this way, I've run over your left-hand wall.

Oh, and your portable lavatory.

Then things got even worse.

Now we're on somebody's lawn.

Come on, come on, mighty 2.2 litre diesel.

Oh, no.

A very big catastrophe has befallen me.

I could actually overtake now but this is too amusing. I've got...

Sadly, I was laughing so much I crashed...into myself.

I've spun!

This, combined with Jeremy's drastic weight loss,

meant he could scamper away.

60mph. This is caravanning at its best.

And by my reckoning, the site was now just a couple of miles away.

Victory now is mine. I will not be sleeping in what remains of the van.

Whoa! It's a biggie.

Worried that I might be sleeping in my van...

I kept my foot hard down.

Hurricane XL holding up well.

Ooh! Bloody hell!

Ha-ha! The XL refuses to die.

I, meanwhile, had arrived at the site

and was looking for the prestigious plot 200.

Where's plot 200? Plot 200?

Yes. In here. By this stagnant pond.

202. 201.

Plot 200 is vacant which means I don't have to stay in it.

Yes!

HE EXHALES

So there we are.

After the most exhaustive caravan test in all of history,

we have established that 10,500 people are just plain wrong.

The Volkswagen Tiguan is not the best tow car.

ENGINE GRUMBLES

Oh, is that James?

CRASHING AND BUMPING

JEREMY LAUGHS

No way!

Plot 200, James. Oh, you're so...!

-Where's the...

-I claim a moral victory.

-Why a moral victory?

-I've still got a caravan.

Well, not really. You haven't got a wheel. Where's the wheel gone?

Well, what's that?

Anybody like a cup of tea? Yes? Jolly good.

This is Hertfordshire.

It's just 40 miles from London and it's motoring nirvana.

Mmm! We have everything we need.

Huge scenery, swooping road, no traffic.

The holy trinity for anyone whose communion wine comes with

an octane rating.

Can't enjoy a Ferrari in Britain?

Ooh, yes, you can!

But can you enjoy this one?

It's called the F12.

It costs £240,000 and thanks to a 730 horsepower V12,

it's the most powerful road-going Ferrari ever made.

It's almost as powerful, in fact, as Fernando Alonso's Formula 1 racer.

Of course, at this point, people with mouths of meal would say,

"What's the point of all that, then, when we've got speed limits?"

You don't have to use all of it all the time.

In a town, you can sit back, turn on the radio,

put the suspension in bumpy road mode to make everything nice

and comfy, set the gearbox in automatic and the air conditioning

just so and then you can drive along quite happily at 20mph.

Easy.

It's not even especially big.

I'm not saying this is tiny but it's not preposterous.

You don't go through every gap like that.

So this car works in Letchworth just like any other car

but when the built-up area ends, it's not like any other car at all.

Wow, wow. This is fast.

Ferrari say it'll go from 0-60 in 3.1 seconds.

And that at flat out, it'll be doing 211mph.

And it's not just the massive engine which makes it all so savage.

Unlike the old 599, this has a double clutch gearbox,

so gear changes are immediate.

You build up the speed until the noise gets too much

and your ears are bleeding and if you change up, then there's no gap.

How does it DO that?

They've also fitted a more sophisticated traction

control system which lets you have fun without allowing you to crash.

But the most impressive thing is how this car manages the air.

These flaps down here - when the brakes are hot,

they open to allow cooling air to pass on to the discs.

But the rest of the time, they're shut, for better aerodynamics.

And then you have these channels on either side of the bonnet.

The air is funnelled along them into here and out of here

so it provides a boundary layer of smooth air

passing down the flanks of the car, making it more slippery.

There's real downforce as well.

At 125mph, the weight of the air pressing down on the car is 19st.

That's like having half of John Prescott on the roof,

forcing the tyres into the tarmac, giving better grip.

They have done everything in the book, then,

to exploit the colossal firepower.

And the results are mesmerising.

In the past, big Ferraris felt big.

The Testarossa, the 612 - they were immense,

they were fat-boy cars.

This isn't. This is light and nimble and sharp.

It's... It is spectacular.

I must confess, though, that while the car is fine,

I am struggling,

because it is a bit frantic in here.

I just went airborne then.

You read about those early test pilots in Mach 2 jet fighters,

going to the very limits of what was possible.

That's what it feels like in this. Like you're sort of out of control.

And it has incredibly fast steering, so the slightest movement

of the wheel causes an immediate dart one way or the other.

And then there's the throttle.

You put your foot down and you think, "Oh, yes!"

And then immediately, you think, "Well, no, actually!" Too scary!

And when life is as hectic as this, what you really want

are for all the controls to be conventional - and they're not.

All the knobs and buttons for the lights and the wipers

and the indicators are all on the steering wheel,

which moves about, so they're never where you left them.

Can't even sneeze when you're driving this car

because if you did, well, they'd have to hose you off the road.

To try and explain what I'm on about,

I've come to this tennis court.

This is what it's like

to drive an ordinary car on the roads of Hertfordshire.

There you go - golf GTI.

BMW M3, Ferrari 458.

This is easy and manageable.

And I can do it all day.

Now let me show you what it's like

to drive a Ferrari F12.

Get off!

Oh!

Ooh, in the face!

The Stig says this is the only car in the world that can hold a candle

to the Lexus LFA.

He also says it's the first Ferrari he's ever driven that he would

actually buy - if he had any concept of money,

which of course he doesn't.

Me, though...

I mean, it is brilliant but I think it would be better still

if it had slower steering and -

it's hard for me to say this, but -

a bit less power.

Yes, you can really enjoy it in Britain

but you can't really enjoy all of it.

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

The options on this - they do take it up to 250 as well.

-Hang on, hang on, hang on.

-What?

Did I just hear you, Jeremy Clarkson,

say that you'd like a bit less power?

Yes, you did.

Isn't that a bit like Gordon Ramsay saying,

"Yes, I like this dish but I wish it had a bit less flavour?"

Or James May saying, "Yes, I like this but can it be a bit less brown?"

Yeah...no, it is like that

but it is a bombshell -

which means we can end.

Thank you very much for watching. Take care. Good night.