Episode 4 Best of Top Gear

Now, as I'm sure we're all aware, Britain has started flooding

quite often these days. A couple of reasons for this.

One, a lot of people these days are buying Toyota Prius's

which of course is pulling the world down and that's causing more rain.

AND a lot of houses are being built on flood plains

so there's nowhere for the water to go.

Yes, and because of this, we are

forever seeing pictures of towns that have been flooded.

Tewkesbury, Haywards Heath, Doncaster, they've all been hit and whenever

we look at these pictures, we can always see lots of marooned cars.

And this got us thinking.

Is there some simple way that cars could be kept mobile

even when the street is under three feet of water?

Now, obviously you can't simply fit an outboard motor to the back

like we did with our cross-Channel Nissan pick-up truck

because the propeller would snag submerged obstacles around towns,

and you can't really use oars because that would be exhausting.

Mm. It all looked hopeless, but then I had an idea.

I think this is the ideal transport for a flooded town such as Doncaster

or Tewkesbury because a hovercraft simply glides over road signs,

railings, cows, just about everything, really.

Gentlemen, I give you...

-the future.

-Is it?

Are you suggesting that if you live in a town that might flood,

you go everywhere on a hovercraft in preparation for that day

-when it does flood, IF it does.

-No.

OK, you have a hovercraft for when it floods, but I'm saying

we put wheels on the bottom of this and then it's a normal car!

No, it isn't! It's a hovercraft with wheels on the bottom.

OR, this is my other plan.

We get a car and turn it into a hovercraft like this.

-Oh, for God's sake.

-No, no.

He's on to something, because, well, if you think about it,

a car already has an engine and wheels

and space for the passengers and space for the luggage

so all you need to do is add to that another engine to provide

-the lift and another engine to provide the thrust.

-There you go.

And some skirts around the bottom.

It's going to have to be quite big, this car.

There's a lot of big cars! Mercedes S-Class, that's big.

-Rolls-Royce Phantom, that's massive.

-It's expensive.

Maserati Quattroporte, you can pick those up for next to nothing.

You could put three engines in that, skirts and everything.

While Hammond went off to find a suitable car,

I spent some time becoming even more expert at driving a hovercraft.

Oh, that's... I wasn't expecting that.

And James headed off to Top Gear's secret amphibious engineering centre

in the Yorkshire town of Penistone.

Just off St Mary's Street, behind Tesco's.

While Jeremy hangs around in the children's playground out there,

I'll go through a few hovercraft absolute basics for you.

If you imagine looking at it from the front, you have

- this is very basic - a platform, you know,

wherever you sit and all the rest.

There's a huge fan inside which blows air downwards to form

a cushion underneath.

Now, the clever thing is,

this is contained by a flexible skirt around the edge,

and for this reason, it's sort of self-regulating because a

certain amount of this cushion of air escapes out of the sides...

..floating about pointlessly

so propulsion you have generally another...

Sadly, before James had a chance to finish his interesting lecture,

Hammond arrived with his car.

-It's not really a car, is it?

-No!

It's a Ford Transit van and it's perfect. Let me talk you through.

OK, what we've got here at the front, an engine,

to power the front wheels and drive it along.

Behind that, seats, room for us. Behind that, room for our luggage.

Here, room for an engine to provide lift,

and at the back, room for another engine to provide thrust.

What?!

It's practically a hovercraft already! I can see it! It's...

It's what we need.

'With the van parked in the workshop...'

And stop.

'Richard set to work mounting the two motorcycle engines that would

'provide lift and thrust.

I, meanwhile, was making good progress with the skirts,

until the expert hover pilot arrived...

-Sorry.

-Thank you!

'..and immediately started to complain that we wouldn't

'have enough power.'

THAT is not big enough.

-It is!

-It isn't, it's titchy.

It's a 90 horsepower engine and this is doing just the lift.

I've got another 90 horsepower engine to do the thrust. That's a lot.

-How much power has this got?

-35.

-And that's got to do both the lift AND the thrust.

-Yes.

I've got two engines.

Well, fire it up and I'll show you what that can do.

-All done.

-Right, now that's...

-See?

-So, we've got...

-We've got many times that.

-We've got 35 doing both.

-You've got 180.

-Yeah, exactly right. The equivalent of 180 to your 35.

That is plenty.

With the power issues settled, we went to work.

Then, out on the proving ground, I uncovered a problem.

What are you doing?

Well, it turns out there are some surfaces where it doesn't work.

It's all right on the wood and it's all right on the water.

But this is because...think of scale.

This is small, these rocks by comparison are enormous.

If you scale that up,

-a full size one would find this easy.

-Well, if you think about it,

our hovercraft is going to need to go over, you know, churches.

Not a whole church!

But despite my concerns, the work continued.

My plan is to drive the van normally from the normal seats over

there and then you switch to THIS seat for hover mode.

Soon, the engines were fitted,

unnecessarily heavy items had been removed, and our van was ready.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

-Gentlemen, Christopher Cockerell, Barnes Wallis...

-Fred Whittle.

-You mean Frank.

-Whatever.

They will all now be shivering in the cold dark

-shadow of our magnificence.

-It's utterly, utterly brilliant.

Let me talk you through this thing, because along the side

you'll see here are the skirts ready to be deployed

when we switch to hover mode.

Then, at the back, if we look in here, you can see mounted amidships.

That's the second engine that's powering the lift.

Here, at the back, the third engine. That's powering the thrust.

The fans, the rudder. It's actually quite beautiful.

BUT would it work?

Well, to find out, we took it onto the streets of Penistone.

What I think is critical is that for 364 days a year,

-this has to just be a car, does it not?

-Yep.

Just something you would use for shopping,

taking the children to school, and it's absolutely perfect at that.

I mean, we're driving around Penistone.

And there's nothing to tell me there's anything unusual about this.

What they don't realise is that when the River Penis

-bursts its banks, we're ready, in a way that no-one else is.

-Yep.

Hey, what about a name? We haven't thought of a name.

Bob.

-Transit Fan.

-Transit Fan?

-Yeah.

-I like that.

OR, we could just call it the Hovervan.

Hovervan sort of says what it does.

-It does what it says on the tin, doesn't it?

-Yeah, Hovervan!

Having established that it worked well on the road,

we found a nearby reservoir where we could test it on the water.

-This is ideal.

-This will do.

After just 90 minutes, the skirts were deployed,

the engine waterproofing system was in place,

and the three of us had ticked all the BBC health and safety boxes.

-It's quite exciting.

-It is, now I'm switching to the hover seat.

I can't walk.

As a massive crowd gathered, we began.

-Richard Hammond.

-Yes?!

-Engage hover mode.

-Oh, this is it!

-Right, so this is the lift engine going on first.

-Yes.

-Yes!

-We are rising!

-We are in a hovercraft.

-We are hovering.

-Engage thrust mode!

-Here we go.

-Thrust engine is running!

-Yes!

-Oh!

-I'm aware we're moving! We ARE moving.

-Oh-ho-ho! It works!

-We're going in.

-And now the transition from land to water.

-Oh, hang on.

-More lift, Hammond, more lift! Hammond, more lift!

-I'm giving it all it's got!

-Hammond, more, more... Hammond, more lift!

-Hang on!

-Why did that happen? We've got to save it. Save it!

-OK, we've got a bit of flooding back here.

-A bit?

When I say a bit, I mean quite a lot. Was that full power?

-That was all it had!

-You didn't give it enough lift.

It was your controls. You went in quickly, it swamped.

Right, and with that, back to the drawing board.

This is the £650,000 Porsche 918. It is insanely fast.

It's rammed full of technology and most importantly, it is a hybrid.

In many ways then, exactly the same as the McLaren P1 that Jeremy

fell in love with a few weeks back.

-The big question though, is it any good?

-No!

When Jeremy tested the P1, he took it to the Spa racetrack in Belgium.

My F1 track may not have that pedigree, but at this place,

at least the fun doesn't stop when the sun goes down.

The Abu Dhabi Circuit is also famed for having a 1.2KM straight,

one of the longest anywhere. It seems like a good place to start.

Let's make some noise.

Oh! That is breathtaking!

Oh, ho-ho-ho!

9,000 rpm! Boom!

Yah! Big speed, 280.

Braking.

Oh, that is acceleration unlike anything else.

I know Jeremy's head was blown off by the speed of that P1

but I absolutely cannot believe it felt any faster than this.

It can't have done.

Like the McLaren, the 918 has a joint strike force of petrol engine

and electric motors working together.

It's that electric power that gives it so much punch off the line.

I have 500 ft-lbs of torque, at 800 rpm. 800!

A 458 doesn't have 500 torques at any rpm! It just wakes up.

It's like a sprinter, falling out of bed

and going straight into a world record while all the others

are still eating cornflakes and thinking about having a poo.

The petrol engine, which sounds ungodly through those

top mounted exhausts, is a 612 horsepower, 4.6 litre V8.

On the topic of power and performance,

the 918 and the P1 can trade punches all day long.

The 918 can't match the P1's top speed, 218 compared to 211,

but I get to 60 quicker. 2.6 seconds to his sluggish 2.8.

I'm on 875 brake horsepower, the P1 has 903 but more torque.

And on and on and on it goes. It's King Kong versus Godzilla.

There are some areas though, where the

918 definitely has the P1 on the ropes.

It can retrieve energy generated by braking

and feed it back into the batteries.

The roof lifts out so you can enjoy some open-top cruising.

And inside, you get some actual creature comforts

like electric seats and an 11 speaker sound system.

You don't get either of those on a P1.

I'm not one to gloat but hello?

Glove box! Yeah!

And then this centre console from where

I can control the top screen - that does many things up there,

and then over 800 functions can be

controlled from the touch-sensitive screen down here.

Maybe I can go online

and order Jeremy a set of spanners to adjust the seat on his P1.

Look up "old-fashioned" for me.

In addition to the wealth of on-board amusements,

the 918 also has many driving modes.

Right now, I'm in fully electric mode

and I can whisper around like this for 18 miles, compared to the P1's 7.

But if I go down here, I can select hybrid, and that allows it to

alternate between petrol and electric in the most efficient way.

Or we've got sport mode, where we have petrol power all the time.

BUT I'm here on this race track so let's go one further

and put it in race mode.

Now, the petrol engine is top dog

and the electric motors are acting as its wing.

It's time to attack some corners.

Hell's bells!

That grip!

This thing corners and I'm going flat. Totally flat.

And there's none of that bottom-clenching terror Jeremy

talked about in the P1.

Partly that's because where the P1 is rear drive only,

the 918 has four wheel drive and four wheel steering.

I think in essence, yes,

the P1 is more proper fighter pilot seat-of-the-pants stuff,

this is altogether more civilised,

but that does not mean it's boring, because it just isn't.

The back end breaks away like a rear wheel drive car.

What a thing!

But even though the 918 is more grown up than the P1,

it can still boast some pretty exciting achievements.

The fact is, this car has lapped the Nurburgring in six minutes,

57 seconds. That's faster than any other road legal production car.

To put it into context, a hardcore Lexus LFA did it in seven minutes,

14 seconds. The mighty Nissan GT-R was almost half a minute slower.

As for the P1, well, McLaren are saying it has gone

round in under seven minutes, but they're not saying an actual time.

I don't know, maybe they lost the piece of paper it was written on.

Or something.

With daylight coming, I locked up, left the keys to the circuit

under the mat, and went in search of breakfast.

Full of awe for this incredible machine.

Here I am with 875 BHP, a 4.6 litre V8 that sounds like that,

and yet the CO2 emissions are lower than a Toyota Prius,

and certainly much lower than a P1.

I don't know, this is just all round a more impressive achievement.

It's more of its time.

To put it in another way,

McLaren have used hybrid technology to liven up a supercar today.

Porsche have used hybrid technology to save the supercar for tomorrow.

This is an important car.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

Benedict Cumberbatch!

Hello.

-Very well, very well.

-Nice.

-Nice to meet you.

-Hello, hello, hello.

-Have a seat!

-Wow.

Wow wow wow. Thank you very much.

Now, that was a welcome.

That was a welcome from a lot of people who want to know

how you're not dead.

Well, erm, when I jump off,

there's a helicopter with Mycroft in it dressed as a woman

and an inflatable skirt and then he takes a pill which basically

means that the helicopter's... I'm not going to tell anyone. I can't.

Oh, no, I was really enjoying that.

Because it was obviously one of the most written about

and talked about events in modern television history.

And I wasn't here. I sort of missed it. The furore at home.

I was abroad but I heard that it went on for weeks and...

-You actually fell off a building and then you're not dead.

-Yeah.

We saw you dead but anyway,

so, when do we find out how that had been achieved?

I think it's going to be some time near the end of this year or

the beginning of next year. That's what we're aiming for.

-More recently, we've seen you in the new Star Trek movie.

-Yeah.

Do you find yourself being approached by those

of a Trekkie disposition?

The ones I have met are remarkably normal and it is a bit like

-'eh-erm, I'm quite a Trekkie fan actually.'

-YOU are?

-No, no, no, but that was me pretending to be one, but thank you.

-Oh, OK.

You're such a big actor that I thought you actually were one.

I fooled you there, Jeremy, I fooled you there. I mean I wasn't actually.

I wasn't a Trekkie. I watched the first film

and was very into that

and then I obviously did a little bit of research as far as what

I was about to do in the canon and I really got into it.

It was great to be part of it.

Do you sometimes worry about saying that you like Star Trek?

I've always liked it, ever since it was Kirk and Spock, Jean-Luc Picard.

-Yeah, it's a great relationship.

-Yeah.

I don't see that relationship. What relationship?

Between Kirk and Spock and Bones. I think those three... No.

If I talk about relationship between two men in a drama,

-they're immediately at it.

-Well, yeah.

The worldwide interlie will basically go splat,

there's a load of fan fiction which has me

and John Watson floating in space on a bed handcuffed to one another.

-Not just with handcuffs either.

-I could write that tonight.

-It would be fun. You're from an acting family.

-I am.

My mum and dad are both actors. Both actually.

My car history sort of begins with them.

-I was introduced into cars by them.

-Well, that's interesting.

-We've got a photograph of your mum here, look.

-Yep.

Now, my mum didn't have a car like that. That's quite cool.

-It's very cool.

-Is that from a Gerry Anderson show?

-It is, it's from UFO, yeah.

-No! She was in UFO?

-Yeah, she was in UFO.

So that obviously wasn't her car.

Er, no, but she did drive it and it was driveable.

She had an MGT - an MGB I should say, a hatchback.

-Not a hatchback, sorry, a soft top.

-Yeah.

But all cars before I was born.

When I was born it got a bit sensible.

She had a Mini, which was great, because that was my first car.

-Was it?

-Yeah. I borrowed my mother's Mini.

Your first car was a proper Mini then? Crash it?

No, but I did reverse after a night out over a very

large rock on a driveway and the gearstick just when 'phunk!'

Right through the chassis of the car.

-So, next car was a...

-A Golf Mitsubishi Colt from 1982.

-Hatchback white rust bucket.

-A Golf?

-Yeah.

No, not a Golf, sorry, a Mitsubishi Colt.

-So your own GT and a Golf Mitsubishi.

-Yep.

I'm cross-splicing in some future world of cars.

-Yeah, there's a lot of car jumbling up.

-There is.

It's a good job I don't do your job. I'd be rubbish at it.

Well, it's a good job I don't do yours,

I've no idea how to fly a spaceship OR punch anyone, OR act.

-That can be taught. I got taught that.

-What, how to punch?

Yeah, Hollywood Fu, it was great fun.

Do you punch like... do you punch with that side of your hand?

-What are you doing?

-When you punch.

You look like you're trying to wipe a windscreen or something.

No, when you punch somebody. I've often... you sometimes...

Well, normally you're quite tight and it's all from the waist but

you have to sell it a bit more for cameras so you arc it round a bit.

But why don't you just end up punching someone...

Shall we try a fake punch?

AUDIENCE: YEAH!

-What if it turns into a real one?

-Well, I'll give and you receive.

I like being the dominant one. So, where's a... there's a camera.

-Facing me would be good.

-You're actually directing now.

I'm facing you. Am I ready for this punch?

Yeah, yeah, When I get to about there, you can move your head.

But what if I don't?

-I'm not going to do that.

-Is anybody there? Your dry cleaning bills when

-my nose just bursts... All right.

-You ready?

-Yes.

-OK, and...

-Ooof!

-Did that look good?

-Did that look all right? He knows. They know.

Erm, we've had many actors on the show over the years sitting

-there, but we've never had one who's been carjacked before.

-Oh, really?

-That's good.

-It is, but you were genuinely carjacked.

-I was genuinely carjacked, yeah.

-How did it happen?

Not a pleasant road trip. Erm, it was very scary.

I mean I have to emphasise not just because I love South Africa

and South Africans, but it was a small event in a very big country.

We were very lucky.

We were on a sort of bumpy dirt track and we got onto the M2,

the sort of major trunk road down the east coast,

and front right tyre blew and these guys surrounded us,

stuff went on with belongings and we were pushed about a bit.

I was put in the boot of the car though at one point

and that was interesting.

I thought "oh, maybe I could diffuse the break lights

"and then a policeman..."

No policemen in South Africa were going to pull over a car

full of men at midnight to question a broken tail light.

But it was very scary.

And when they got you out again, did they not put a duvet over your head?

At one point, stuff was being thrown out the car.

We were underneath this underpass and these juggernauts were just

charging over and the sound cover would be sort of perfect for a quiet

pop, then this duvet got thrown out and just went over our head.

I thought again, it's just the pillow thing.

It's going to be a muffler for a gunshot.

So, I kind of came to terms with mortality

and dying on my own about four times in the space of half an hour.

And the whole thing went on for about two hours.

-But we mustn't put people off South Africa.

-No.

-It's a big, beautiful place.

-It is. So we can just ignore all that.

Yeah, cut it. Cut that.

-Anyway, so, you came down here to do your lap.

-Oh,

-BLEEP.

-And how was it out there?

-It was really good fun.

I mean, the first couple of laps, I couldn't see

the wood for the trees, but then as it went on, I think I got...

I bettered my times later on, so I was obviously learning something.

-How do you know?

-People would go "hmm!".

Oh, just from people's "hmm!" face.

I'm told you did more laps than any guest we've had down here for years.

-Oh, that's so shaming!

-Who would like to see the fastest lap?

AUDIENCE: YES!

-Let's have a look.

-OK.

Oh, yes.

-We are away.

-Yippee-ki-yay,

-BLEEP!

A fan of The Hangover is here.

Look at it grip the mighty tech line with a lifetime warranty.

-That's not bad.

-Is that all right?

-Yeah, that's great.

It is hot in here. That's no excuse, come on.

-Did he have the air conditioning off or on?

-No, off.

-Off, good man!

Really trying... bit wide through there, maybe costing half a second.

Gear change, gear change, gear change, gear change.

-Boom.

-Yeah, like the Sundance Kid there. Very quick mover.

-Oh, God.

Hmm, a bit slow but at least not skidding about.

You haven't really used all of the track or indeed any of it.

-AS OBI-WAN KENOBI:

-Use the track, Benedict.

Ladies and gentlemen, Alec Guinness in the reasonably priced car.

Moved those, that was well done.

-And now, here it is, second to last corner.

-Oh, holy crap.

-This is scary.

-No. That is pretty much perfect.

-Is it?

That really is perfect. Gambon. Oh, fast.

Oh, fast but not Jimmy Carr, across the line!

-Ah, not bad.

-That looks all right. That looked all right.

These are the times we have

-so far in our new reasonably priced car.

-Oh, crikey.

-Where do we think?

-I don't know, I don't know.

Maybe faster than Warwick. I'd be happy with that.

-Faster than Warwick at 146.8, that's where you're aiming.

-I don't know.

That's very high, isn't it?

Benedict Cumberbatch, you are leaning forwards.

Won't make my time faster, will it?

-I haven't got much space left on here.

-Then shorten the time.

You did it in one-

40-

seven...

-point eight.

-Oh.

-So you're not faster but you did go...

That's all right. That's OK.

-I can live with that.

-It's in the middle.

What I've got here is a list of all the other people who've

appeared on Star Trek and if it makes you feel any better,

-Jean-Luc Picard, 1.50, dead.

-Oh, dear.

So, you're faster than he was. But the previous baddie in the last

-film, Eric Bana, 1.47.5, and that was in the wet.

-Wow.

So Eric Bana is faster.

I can't really find any comfort at all for you.

You've got to invite me back.

-I've basically brought you down here and ruined your day.

-Yeah, yeah.

Well, I do apologise for that

because it has been an enormous pleasure having you.

-Likewise, thank you very much.

-Best of luck with the new Sherlock.

Ladies and gentlemen, Benedict Cumberbatch.

Thanks, everyone.

Now, for three years,

we've known that Jaguar was working on a new small sports car.

We've known that it's going to be called the F-Type,

but we had a pretty good idea of what it would be like.

Yeah, we knew that it would be quiet and comfortable and restrained

and that the interior would be full of traditional leather

and wood and moss.

So, were we right?

In short, no. We were NOT right.

It's an X-rated, hardcore monster for the terminally unhinged.

It's got such a wide range of intoxicating noises!

When you change up, it snorts like a hippo,

and then when you put your foot down, it bellows, and THEN when you take it off again...

Honestly, have you ever heard a soundtrack like that?

THAT is the sound of the '60s, right there.

And if you push this little button here,

you engage the sports exhaust system, which makes it even louder!

It's not all bark and no bite either.

The 3 litre V6 engine is supercharged,

and delivers 375 fire-spitting horsepowers.

Does 0-60 in 4.8 seconds. Top speed? 171.

And THIS isn't even the fast version.

If you want, Jaguar will sell you a 488 horsepower V8.

I wouldn't bother though, because at no point while I've been driving

this have I thought "yeah, but I wish it was a bit more exciting."

Now, you would imagine that a car this loud and this brutal

wouldn't be as luxurious as a Methodist's coal house. But no.

The roof can be raised or lowered, even when you're going at 30mph.

The switches are bronzed. The seats are electric.

And you can choose what shade of mood lighting you'd like.

The interior then, is nicely thought out,

but it is NOTHING compared to the exterior.

I think this is one of the best looking cars ever made.

So, it's beautiful and mad and thrilling and loud,

and there's more.

A lot of cars these days feel like laptops, but this doesn't.

Yes, you can go into the computer

and alter the characteristics of the gearbox and the engine

and the steering and the suspension, but that said,

there's no double clutch gearbox, it's just a smooth eight-speed auto.

There's no six-way traction control,

there's no complicated folding metal roof.

It's much simpler than that.

Engine at the front, drive to the rear, and a big smiling piece of meat in the middle.

The chassis is epic, and so are the brakes, and so is the steering.

And you've got tonnes of locks so if you do get it out of shape,

it's easy to get it back again.

In many ways, it puts me in mind of a BMW M3

and that is high praise.

Except it's not a BMW. It's a Jag.

And I wish I could end it there, but unfortunately,

there are one or two issues that need mentioning.

Just done my weekly shop.

I bought some jam, some milk,

some sugar, and some butter.

Sadly, I wasn't able to buy any more than that, because if you

buy your Jag with a spare wheel, THIS is what the boot looks like.

How could they have a meeting and decide that THAT was acceptable?

It's just madness! AND there's another problem. The price.

I was expecting the V6 version to cost around £50,000.

But actually, it's almost £68,000,

and the V8 is an eye-watering £80,000.

But the biggest problem by a country mile is the ride.

This road appears to be completely smooth,

but it feels like I'm driving....

Not driving,

it feels like I'm roller skating over a piece of corrugated iron.

It's just oh-oh-oh,

and it's even worse when you're going slowly in a town.

That's just unbearably harsh! And there's no need for it!

When you've got a chassis this good, you don't need hard suspension.

What were they thinking of?!

Happily, however, the ride does get better the faster you go,

which means there is a way round the problem.

Don't drive slowly...

Drive fast.

Let's be honest, in a car that looks this good and sounds this fantastic,

and goes this well, that's no hardship.

That is no hardship at all.

Now, earlier on, we built a Hovervan which sank.

Yeah, it worked perfectly well as a van,

it just didn't really work as a hovercraft.

But no-matter, because we've had another go,

ladies and gentlemen, and here it is!

Now, in the back, I have replaced the two 90 horsepower engines with these.

For the lift, we have the engine from a Yamaha R1 superbike, and for

the thrust, a compact, lightweight 2.4 litre V8 from a radical track car.

All of which means, in the back of this van,

-there is now 600 horsepower.

-Oh, yes.

I, meanwhile, have been fitting these new, bigger,

tougher skirts which you just lower in a jiffy like so.

And I've also added on top of those,

these inflatable rubber tubes

which make it a bit less sinky.

We're so confident that the mark two Hovervan will work that we

shall be testing it in our home clothes, but not on a reservoir.

Instead, we shall be testing it here, on the mighty Avon.

With overhanging branches, submerged shopping trolleys

and many obstacles,

the Avon more realistically represents a flooded street.

If our van works here, it will work in your town,

when the torrent comes. Right, listen. I'm going to drive.

-Hammond, you're in charge of the engine room.

-Right.

And James, you're the navigator.

Brimming with confidence,

we initiated the launch procedure.

Fire up the lift engine!

Aye aye, Clarkson.

-Fire up the thrust engine.

-I love all the things we have to say. I love that. Right.

Here it comes. I'll give it a bit of juice.

You have it, you have thrust.

-And we're moving! We are going!

-No, we're going right! Go left!

-We're going sideways!

-Go to port! Here we go!

-600 horsepower.

-Unleash it!

-Here we go.

-Oh, my God.

-Whoa!

-Wow!

-Navigating thrust.

-It works!

-It only flipping works...!

-We're afloat, oh,

-BLEEP

-I'm drowning!

-There is quite a lot of water coming in.

-I'm turning it!

-Windscreen wipers.

-Turn more or we're going to hit the bank!

-Hard to starboard. Hard to starboard.

-Jeremy, turn right!

-Turn right!

-You can't do that!

-Of course it can!

-We're crashing!

-We've crashed!

-Full thrust. We're a bit stuck.

This is the sort of practice you should have been doing

while we were busy fitting engines and building this thing.

In my defence, hovercrafts have no brakes, no reverse,

extremely haphazard steering, and if you cut the lift engine,

it can't be restarted on water.

-You're heading for the other bank now.

-Ready?

I'm coming back on the power!

-Aaaargh! No! Crash!

-Come on!

Steer that way!

-This river's too narrow.

-Well, it's river-shaped.

They tend to be long and thin.

Here we go, I'm going to give it full beans for a turn.

Too much, too much! Our bits are working. Steer it!

-James, I am one of the world's best hovercrafters.

-I can see that!

-Is that why we're in a nettle bush?

-Oh, yes. Oh-ho! Look at that!

-There's a man fishing. I'm sorry, I'm sorry, it's all...

-Tree! Tree!

-Tree!

-Oh, huge tree.

-Aaarrrghhh!

-There's no brakes! Relax!

-What have we got to be bloody worried about?

-We're in the trees!

-How can that be in the van?! Argh! Crash!

-Oh, no, we broke the window.

-For God's sake, Clarkson!

-We've actually broken the windscreen.

-Yes, you have.

-You've made a complete horse's arse of that!

We can edit this out. Nobody need know this has happened.

-Is there a boat hook, James?

-Yes.

-Push us off.

-I'll come over.

-You keep an eye on that. Don't let it go over eight.

-Eight?

Mind your elbow! Your elbow nearly killed the lift. Push!

-That's more like it.

-That's it.

-There you go. Go, go, go, go, go!

-Wipers, James, wipers!

-They're broken.

-Richard?

-Yes?

-I think I've got the hang of it now.

-Brilliant, well, let's go refuel.

-What?!

-What?!

-We're going to stop for fuel. We're running out.

We've only been going ten minutes!

Well, yeah, I know, but we've used it all.

There's 600 horsepower back there, it needs a lot of fuel.

-How big's the tank?

-Two gallons.

-Two?!

-Yeah.

On that bombshell, we headed back to the bank.

Hammond, get ready to kill those engines and James,

get ready to start up the other one. Hammond, kill the engines now! Kill!

-Killed.

-Road engine's not starting.

-What?!

-WHY is the starter not working?

-Because it's wet.

-Why didn't you waterproof it?

-Well, I didn't...

-Why are we still shouting?

Fortunately, getting it out of the water was no bother at all.

But as we were refuelling, we received an unpleasant surprise.

-Hammond?

-What?

-It's the gold envelope.

-What?

I wasn't expecting...

"You will drive your Hovervan from here in Stratford-Upon-Avon to

"Tewkesbury, one of the most frequently flooded towns in the UK.

"Once there, you will show off your invention to the local residents."

-How far is that?

-It's got to be 50 miles.

-50?!

-How far have we just done?

-50 yards?

-It's a lot of refuelling.

-Er, right.

'Having saddled up...'

I feel like Daisy Duke.

'..we set off for Tewkesbury.'

Engaging power to do a full left turn. Oh, are we good or what?

Excellent work. Continue as you are, Captain Clarkson.

It feels good every time! I love this!

This is a great machine.

It's a brilliant machine, I mean it really is.

With everything going well, we settled down for what

we hoped would be an uneventful maiden voyage.

BUT as we arrived in the tranquil suburbs of the historical

Stratford-Upon-Avon,

we became conscious that there was an issue with noise.

-And then, there was the spray.

-Bend to the left.

Sorry, everybody, I do apologise. I'm so sorry. Sorry!

-How far have we come so far?

-300 yards.

-Excellent.

-How long's it taken?

-Er, about 20 minutes.

Eventually, we arrived in the centre of Stratford,

and encountered our first obstacle.

-At the bridge, you need to know that the bridge is from 1480.

-Yep.

-Grade 1 listed, so don't break it.

-Here we go. Wipers. Look out for...

-Oh, yes! This is actually working!

-No, it's not. You're going to hit it.

-We've crashed. We've crashed a bit.

-The priceless bridge.

You're almost there. I'm bloody drenched, you idiot.

Having made a bit of a mess of THAT bridge,

I came up with a cunning plan for the next one.

I'm aiming for the "no entry" on the basis that the hovercraft...

That's the last place you'll go.

No, if you aim for something, you'll not go there.

'Unfortunately, my plan didn't work.'

It's gone where I aimed it!

-Yeah, but is it going to clear it?

-I'm not...

-Oh, my God.

-Oh, oh, oh...

Oh, it's going to get a bit scrapey!

Oh. My God, it's going to bring us down.

Give it the beans, give it the beans!

-That's amazing!

-We did a thing!

-We did a thing!

-Look at... Oh, God. Rowers.

-Concentrate!

-Left, left, left!

-Oh, jings! There's a man in a boat!

-Yeah, you've got to miss him!

-There's a man in a boat!

-Oh, look, that's the RSC.

-There's a man in a boat!

-Miss him! Left, left!

-Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

-Where is he?

-He's here, he's here.

-Oh.

-Sir, I'm really sorry.

-Sorry.

-Sorry, mate.

We're probably not that welcome here.

We therefore decided it would be best to get out of town.

But, in our haste, we became tangled in the wash from the camera boat.

This is not good. We've lost all steering.

-We are in deep

-BLEEP

-here.

-Brace, brace, brace.

-Brace, brace.

-Hold tight, hold tight. Kill, kill, kill.

-What happened?

The thing with hovercrafting is it's "brilliant, brilliant,

-"brilliant, disaster."

-Yeah.

'Having apologised to the owners of the boats we'd hit,

'and the man who'd fallen in...'

-James May, consult the map. Which way?

-To the left?

'..we refuelled and were soon on the move again.

'And in the next village, we decided to stop for some lunch.'

I see a rather nice little restaurant here. Yes!

Check this out! "Private mooring for use by restaurant customers only."

-But we are restaurant customers, so we can.

-We're coming for lunch!

At this point, we discovered that Jeremy hadn't learned how to park.

There we go. Oh, God, hang on!

-No, no, no.

-Missed again!

-Wrong, wrong!

I think you've overdone it.

Which way are you going to park?

-Why can't you just park it, for God's sake?!

-Sorry.

-Sorry, sorry.

-Oh, I'm not hungry.

-Why don't we just make a sign that says "sorry"?

We decided to abandon lunch at this point and instead...

see how fast our Hovervan could run away.

OK, Hammond, give me a read-out on the thrust.

7,500. 8,000.

We are seriously moving now, gentlemen!

James, how fast are we going?

I can work it out with this piece of knotted rope

-like they did on HMS Victory.

-Go for it.

-This is looking good now, we are in the grooves.

-Right, that'd be...

Hang on, hang on. 20 in, 30...

We're doing 120 knots in an hour which is 138mph.

138?! We are shifting now.

And the great thing is of course Hovervans cause no wash,

so don't damage the wildlife or the banks.

We're like a breeze. Just a little gust.

Oh, no! We're stopping. What's happened?

You've dropped the... you've dropped the... we're sinking.

We've gone down. That was...something went wrong.

I think that was the skirt collapsed at the front.

This meant we had to initiate our emergency crash procedure.

Do you know what I think this calls for, gentlemen? A hit of oxygen.

Ooh, yes. A good idea. Let's cheer ourselves up.

-Ye-hay!

-Aaah.

Hang on a minute, why's yours so small?

Why have they given you that one?

They've given you a sparkler canister from a Watneys Party Seven.

One more push and it'll be out.

Chaps, do you realise what we've just done?

We've exhausted the air supply.

We've used all our oxygen for fun while sitting in a sinking van.

This is Hovervan 1 calling Avon rescue. Avon calling. Avon calling.

Help.

Happily, because we'd only covered four of our 50 miles,

the crane didn't have far to come.

And after we'd fixed the skirt and refuelled again,

we were back on the road.

-Happy?

-Yup.

-All is going well in the engine.

-And relax.

Sadly though, the relaxing didn't last long.

Oh, God. There's a lock!

-You've got to go through the lock.

-Can you...

-A lock!

Can you go through locks in a hovercraft? Do they let hovercrafts in?

To make matters worse, there was no lock keeper.

-Do you two know how to do a lock?

-I've never done one.

Never done one in my life.

We've got to get the water level, but don't shilly-shally,

because I'm going to be all by myself out here.

'With Richard and James ashore...'

Go, go, go! Get off!

'..I was a multitasking machine.'

Well, this is tricky.

I'm having to drive and do all the engine stuff.

I am Mr Sulu, Scotty and Spock all rolled into one here.

Hang on, the water in the lock has got to be the same

-level as the boat.

-So we've got to let...

-So let's go down that end.

-No, no, no, no, no.

-Yes.

-No, really. I've got a 2 gallon fuel tank.

-Take your time.

-It's quite loud when you're not on it, isn't it?

People probably will have to get used to the idea

when people have Hovervans that canals are a little less

tranquil than they have been historically.

It's a natural progression, really.

You had the pony when canals first began...

-Superhuman effort!

-Yes!

..then internal combustion came and boats got diesel engines.

Now, this is the future. Here we go. Going in.

Yes, a bit of power!

Power solves all things, as we know.

-Yes!

-Right, if you wind, I'll push.

Oooh! Look at this now!

-Right. Are we locking down...

-I don't know!

-We're locking down.

Keep the boat forward... What the hell is that?

-The boat will go wherever it goes! Look!

-Close all the paddles.

-Yes.

-What's a paddle?

-What are they doing?!

Honestly, my dog would know how to work a lock.

-Look at them!

-Sorry. You're going to have to do the winding.

-No, it's down.

-What?

-It's down.

-Hammond! What are you doing?!

-WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! WHO'S DRIVING?!

-Oh,

-BLEEP!

-I thought it would stay there!

-Well, of course it won't!

-The hovercraft has run a mock in a lock.

-Get back on board! You go off!

To try and capture our errant Hovervan,

Hammond and I formed a pincer movement.

But sadly as I climbed on board, the pincer movement went a bit wrong.

Oh, no! Oh, no! I can't breathe!

I can't breathe! I can't breathe!

-Have you fallen in?

-No! I'm the wettest a human being has ever been!

-Sitrep. We've er...

-Ruined it.

Well, we've knocked a man out of his boat,

now we've jammed up the whole of the River Avon.

Right, now, here's what we must do. We must get it out of the lock.

And then we'll get a tow, and then we can edit all of this out.

'Having done all of that, we were back on the move...'

James, is this a...

-Which way is it here?

-Keep right.

'..and reflecting on the many positives that had come out of our journey so far.'

-We have had some calamities.

-A couple.

-But they're not bad ones.

-Not really.

-It weren't for us.

I mean, apart from the broken windscreen,

the Hovervan is working just as well as it ever has. Yes, it's expensive.

I don't think we'd be able to sell this for much less than

-a quarter of a million pounds.

-Realistically, no.

-BUT...

It's money well spent.

..when you're up to here, in the sitting room and you could've made your

escape, you could've done, and you chose not to buy one of these vans.

That is, I think, the essence of it.

-Hang on a minute.

-What?

-Hang on.

-What?

-What?

-Which way did you go back there?

-You said right.

-I said left.

-No, you didn't, James, you said right.

-Wow, what's that?

Is that a weir?

-Turn it round.

-Turn it round.

-Turning, turning!

Go the other way.

Yamaha, give me every single rev that Yamaha engine's got.

-Give it more!

-It's on the limit and there is no more!

-That's all there is!

-We're being sucked! I'm going to turn it round.

What?! Why are you turning round now?!

-Do you want to go over backwards?

-I don't want to go over at all!

-No, he's right. Go over forwards. It's better.

-Holy

-BLEEP BLEEP!

Hammond, I want every bit of lift you can manage.

-I'm giving it everything it's got!

-We are going over! We are going down!

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God!

-Aargh!

-Aargh! Aaaargh!

-Aaaaaargh!

-Yes!

-Oh, God, we're through!

-It worked! It worked!

-We did it!

-We went down a weir!

-And we're alive!

-What a machine!

-That's the best thing I've ever survived!

-Unbelievable!

-I knew that would be all right!

-Did you?

-I've got to go back up.

-You what?!

-No, no!

-Don't be bloody stupid!

-Oh, come on!

We only just survived.

-You couldn't turn it round up there, it's not going to go back up!

-Yes!

Come on, Hovervan.

In the Shakespearian style, "horsepower, horsepower,

-"my kingdom for some horsepower."

-It won't go up!

-It will!

-It's not going to work!

-It won't go up! You can't give it that many revs!

Full power!

-Power! Come on!

-Jeremy, that's too much! Oh, my God!

-What's that smoke?

-You've ruined the engine!

-You've blown the engine up!

-Come on! Power!

-You've killed it!

-Oh.

-You pillock!

With that, back to the studio.

When Chuck Yeager crashed that Starfighter,

nobody called HIM a pillock!

No, but it was because of you that we didn't make it to Tewkesbury.

Well, it doesn't matter. Everybody's seen the film now.

They know that our Hovervan is an unqualified success.

Yes, yes, it is.

Apart from the noise, the spray, the terrible danger,

impracticality, unreliability, total uncontrollability,

catastrophic fuel consumption, terrible expense

-and disastrous damage we caused to Warwickshire with it, yes!

-Yeah.

Apart from those fundamental flaws, which render it completely

useless, it is genuinely a world-class machine.

We have done something right. And on that bombshell, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching. Good night!