with Alexander Armstrong Bruce's Hall Of Fame

We all have people that inspired us, and I've been lucky enough

in my long career to have shared the stage

with those that have inspired me.

Tonight, on my Hall Of Fame,

I've invited the next generation of stars from stage and screen

to celebrate the artists

that inspired their careers.

It's great to be singing

at the Dominion, and it's great to be singing in tribute to Sam Cooke.

Tonight, it's about us

and making that Cyd and Gene moment

come to life for real, for us.

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-That's it.

Oh, hello there.

It is a tremendous honour

to be doing my tribute

to Joan Rivers.

If she hadn't done the job she did, I wouldn't have my job today.

I'm very excited.

I'm very, very nervous.

But I hope I can do my very best to make Tommy proud.

My fears are just

seeing all the faces.

But hopefully, I'll get through it.

As nervous as I am,

I can't wait.

And who better to host this evening

than a performer who spans comedy,

acting and singing, a giant of the performing arts,

a comic genius with a cheeky grin that the ladies just can't resist?

Who...who's written all this stuff? Who's on autocue?

Oh, sorry, Bruce. Just got a bit, um, carried away.

You will be carried away in a minute.

Cor! You can't get the staff.

'Ladies and gentlemen,

'please welcome the host of my Hall Of Fame,

'Alexander Armstrong.'

APPLAUSE

Thank you so much!

Welcome to the show.

Now, tonight you're in for a real treat.

We're giving some amazing artists the chance to pay homage

to their showbiz heroes, the people who first inspired them,

with some very special performances.

Trust me, we are in for a wonderful evening,

as we welcome some incredible talent into the Hall Of Fame here,

at the Dominion Theatre in London.

APPLAUSE

Now...

One or two of you will have noticed that,

unless I've had an insane amount of cosmetic surgery, I am not Brucie.

LAUGHTER

Actually, I've got to tell you. Brucie sent me...he sent a lovely...

lovely little note to my dressing room.

I've got to read this to you.

It's, er... "Oi, Pointless.

"Mess this up and I'll make sure you never work again.

"To see you nice, Brucie."

LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE

So, joining us on the show tonight,

we have the absurdly talented Catherine Tate.

She'll be here.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

One of Catherine's most famous characters is of course Sweary Nan.

-CROWD:

-Yeah!

Little known fact here - actually based on Mary Berry.

LAUGHTER Who...who knew?

We've got the sensational Beverley Knight!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Beverley has recently been onstage playing Grizabella

in the revival of Cats the Musical.

Yeah, she was a bit nervous on the opening night.

In fact, some of the cast went outside to look for her,

and they found her hiding under someone's car.

LAUGHTER

Magician Jamie Raven is here.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

And Kimberly Wyatt and Adam Garcia here tonight.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Two incredible dancers.

Also joining us is comedian Katherine Ryan,

paying homage to the great queen of stand-up, Joan Rivers.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

But before we meet our first guest, let's hear it for our musical

director, Steve Sidwell, and his band, The Sidwellettes.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

They regularly play all over the West End.

And if you get a chance to see them, do pop something into the hat.

LAUGHTER

That is more than enough from me for the time being.

Let's now meet our first guest tonight.

She is the wonderful Shona McGarty.

Most of you of course will know her from EastEnders,

where she plays Bianca's adopted daughter, Whitney.

Or, as they call her on the show...

YELLS: Whitneeeeey!

I dumped him,

my best mate, for a cheating pig.

I love you.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Miss Shona McGarty!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Now then, Shona. We all know your character on EastEnders

has a bit of a... She's got a bit of a mouth on her, hasn't she?

-She shouts a lot, yeah.

-She does. She does.

But what a lot of people won't know is that you've got an amazing voice.

-Thank you.

-Absolutely. So I have to tell you.

I have to tell you, when you were rehearsing yesterday,

I promise, everyone in the theatre just stopped what they were doing.

Honestly, it was like

the Shawshank Redemption. Everyone just went...

LAUGHTER

Who's your inspiration, as a singer?

Um, my absolute inspiration has to be Aretha Franklin.

APPLAUSE

Let's just talk about Aretha for a moment or two.

I mean, how did you discover...? It was just played in the house?

It was always played. My mum is a huge fan of, you know,

all the divas, you know, Diana Ross, Aretha Franklin,

um, and I used to steal her CDs

and sing in my bedroom.

Let's just have a look at why the queen of soul is

such an inspiration for you, though.

MUSIC: Respect by Aretha Franklin

The first time I heard Aretha Franklin was

my mum was in the kitchen cooking dinner,

and she was humming a tune, and I said, "Mum, what's that?"

She said, "Oh, it's Respect." I said, "What?"

And she started singing it. And then it just became like a little song

that we'd sing every now and then when we were making dinner.

That was one of her favourite songs,

and it still is one of my favourite songs.

# R-E-S-P-E-C-T... #

Aretha Franklin has got one of the most powerful voices, um,

and it comes from deep down within.

She's a legend.

The song I'm going to be performing tonight is Chain Of Fools.

-# Chain, chain, chain

-Chain, chain, chain

# Chain of fools... #

I love the beat. I love the melody.

The lyrics are really powerful.

And I feel fabulous when I sing it.

This is definitely an opportunity for me

to show people that I'm not just Whitney from EastEnders.

I am feeling very nervous.

I'm not going to try and be Aretha Franklin,

but what I would like to do is hopefully just enjoy it and...

Yeah, I want people to see that I can sing.

# Well, well, yeah

# Yeah! #

I love you!

Well, it's time to kick the show off in style.

Singing Chain Of Fools, inspired by the great Aretha Franklin,

it's Shona McGarty!

APPLAUSE

-# Chain, chain, chain

-Chain, chain, chain

-# Chain of fools

-Chain of fools

-# Chain, chain, chain

-Chain, chain

# Chain of fools

# For five long years

# I thought you were my man

# But I found out

# I'm just a link in your chain

# You got me where you want me, boy

# I ain't nothing but your fool

# You treated me mean, child,

# I said you treated me cruel

-# Chain, chain, chain

-Chain, chain, chain

# Chain of fools

# See, every chain

# Has got a weak link

# And, yeah, I might be weak, child

# But I still give you your strength, yeah

# You told me to leave you alone

# My father said, "Come on home"

# My doctor said, "Take it easy"

# Oh, but your loving is much too strong

# I'm added to your

# Chain, chain, chain

# Chain, chain, chain

# Your chain, chain, chain

# Chain, chain, chain

# Your chain, chain, chain-ain-ain

# Your chain of fools

# Chain, chain, chain

# One of these mornings your chain is gonna break

# But until then, yeah

# I'm gonna take, I'm gonna take

# I'm gonna take all I can take

-# Chain, chain, chain

-Chain, chain, chain

# Chain, chain, chain

# Chain, chain, chain

# Your chain of fools

-# Chain, chain, chain

-Chain, chain, chain

# Chain, chain, chain

# Chain, chain, chain

# Chain of fools, yeah, yeah, yeah

# Chain-ain-ain-ain

# My chain of fools, yeah

# Chain, chain, chain

# My chain of fools

MUSIC STOPS

# My chain

# Yeah, yeah. #

APPLAUSE

Why didn't we know about this years ago, Shona?

Because I only get to sing in the shower.

-CROWD:

-Woo!

-That's it.

This is some shower you've got here. Look at this.

-LAUGHTER

-Amazing.

You said you were nervous before.

-I'm always nervous.

-How could you possibly be nervous?

Because I'm at the Dominion in front of thousands of beautiful

people, and it's just such an amazing experience.

Thank you for letting me be here.

Ladies and gentlemen, Shona McGarty. Fabulous.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, you are in for a real treat now,

as two of the best dancers of their generation

have joined forces to perform for you.

Strangely, not Richard Osman and me in Lycra.

I know, I know.

No, take a look at this.

MUSIC: Don't Cha by Pussycat Dolls

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Kimberly Wyatt and Adam Garcia.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

-Wow. Welcome.

-Thank you.

-Welcome to the Dominion.

Now, Kimberly, I suppose...

-I guess people probably think of you chiefly as a Pussycat Doll...

-Yes.

..initially, but you have so many strings to your bow, don't you?

-A few.

-I mean, you were a gymnast.

-Yeah.

-Classically-trained ballet dancer.

-Yes.

And if that weren't enough, you've then gone on to win

Celebrity MasterChef.

I know. It's crazy!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

I'd never been so far outside of my comfort zone.

It was quite a victorious feat for me.

-I bet.

-I'm really proud of that.

-Now, Adam.

We know you from Hollywood films.

Coyote Ugly springs to mind.

Yes, yes.

I mean, extraordinary tap talents you have.

And I can cook a little bit. Not like her.

I'm quite...quite enjoying the old...

Yeah, I'm doing a Shakespeare at the moment.

I'm in The Winter's Tale with Dame Judi Dench.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

So, there we are. So many things.

So, Kimberly, this was all your idea.

Tell us what you're going to be doing.

So we're doing a pastiche to one of the most iconic scenes,

for me, in Singin' In The Rain, with Cyd Charisse and Gene Kelly.

So we're pulling it into the modern day,

and we get to be Cyd Charisse and Gene Kelly, which is just crazy.

Yeah. Two of the greatest dancers of not just their generation but ever.

So...

-Ha, ha, ha!

-LAUGHTER

Now, Cyd Charisse, famously, was quite a lot taller than Kelly,

-wasn't she?

-Yes, which was interesting cos,

as we were going back and rehearsing it,

you find that the style that Cyd Charisse was going for

was always sort of bent knees, to look a bit shorter than Gene Kelly.

-To please her leading man.

-Exactly.

-Not to over-tower him.

Well, I have to say, you are so brave to take this on.

So brave.

Well, as...I can't remember who but someone, I think, famously said,

"Let's have a look at you in training."

-Fab.

-Let's.

-LAUGHTER

Working with Kim is a joy.

I mean, we've been friends for a long time now.

Kimberly and myself will be dancing

Broadway Melody's ballet from Singin' In The Rain.

I mean, Cyd Charisse and Gene Kelly,

one of the greatest of the Hollywood dancers, together.

This is one of those routines which is genuinely iconic.

It's, like, having to do that part is really demanding.

I'm so excited to see you do this bit.

-It's quite challenging.

-It is.

-It's very quick, and he had such an amazing centre of gravity.

-Yes!

And we're going to have to do it in...

-Just one go.

-We have one shot.

I think Cyd stands apart from all the dancers of her generation

because the technique is just really effortless,

and she's got beautiful, long legs

that when she lifts them, makes you take notice.

Beautiful lines when she hits her marks, and she's a perfectionist.

And now that it's my chance, I'd better not screw it up!

It's a real delight to be able to...

step into the shoes of Gene Kelly?

It's kind of scary at the same time.

Everyone knows who Gene Kelly is. He's a legend.

Um... So, yeah, it's with trepidation

and with great joy that I step into his shoes.

Yeah, it's the day before.

Oh, it's a huge thing to be able to get on stage and rehearse.

You get to see just how magnificent this theatre is.

I mean, Gene Kelly is a legend in my world of dance.

I get the honour of performing with our modern-day Gene Kelly,

which is Adam Garcia.

So, in a way, I do get to dance with Gene Kelly.

A little nervous

just to be able to get on and do that routine, do it justice

and do Cyd Charisse and Gene Kelly justice, too.

APPLAUSE

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That...

I've never been able to watch a dance like that so close.

It's incredible!

It was an amazing piece that Gene choreographed. And...

what they actually did was phenomenal,

and he never span backwards.

He never went that way. He always spun...

on his left, turning left.

What would you say, out of ten, technically, how demanding is that?

Well, Cyd Charisse is known for her ballet background.

-Yeah.

-And what she does well

is make that ballet foundation look effortless.

It takes a lot of work to look effortless.

It looked absolutely fantastic.

Ladies and gentlemen, Kimberly Wyatt and Adam Garcia.

Absolutely wonderful.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Well, it's time now for a fantastic magician,

who was the highest placed human in last year's Britain's Got Talent,

amazing the judges with his incredible illusions.

And if he can make a cynical old prune like Simon Cowell

believe in magic, then he must be something special.

Check this out. You see our magician?

He takes off his hat. He reaches inside.

He pulls out just one card.

Ladies and gentlemen, not just any card, it's the seven of hearts.

-CHEERS

-Oh, my God!

There are a lot of people who do tricks, and there are a few

people who actually can do magic, and I think we just saw that.

Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome to the stage Mr Jamie Raven.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

So, Jamie, welcome to the show. Fabulous to have you here.

Now, apart from Britain's Got Talent...

-I mean, that's what I imagine most people recognise you from.

-Yeah.

I mean, you have been doing...

-You've been doing magic for years and years.

-I have.

I've been performing professionally for the last 12 years,

and I started learning when I was about ten.

So, yeah, 22 years of my life have been spent lying to people,

-in a nice way.

-Amazing.

Actually, your career kind of took off here, didn't it, on this stage?

It did. It was literally on this spot,

and it's changed my life completely.

This was the Britain's Got Talent auditions, right here.

It was indeed, yeah.

ALEXANDER SIGHS Nice to be back.

Now, tell us about your inspirations,

when you were growing up.

For me, it's the one and only Mr Tommy Cooper.

APPLAUSE

Fantastic.

Because Tommy was... I mean, he was a comedian as well as a magician.

I mean, in your opinion, comedian or magician?

I think he was both.

I think he was a magician who used comedy to enhance

his performance. I think, you know, any variety performer

-could learn something through watching...

-Yeah.

He was, in my opinion, one of the finest we've ever had.

Now, you had the most fantastic tour.

I did. I was very, very lucky.

Amazing. With a guide that I think we all know.

Let's take a look at this.

For me, some of Tommy's most memorable performances

were at the London Palladium.

And today, I've arranged to meet one of Tommy's very dear friends

to give me more insight about the man himself.

Sir Bruce, thank you so much for meeting me.

Glad you could make it. Come here.

APPLAUSE

Well, here we are, Jamie. Just a couple of photographs here.

The whole company on a Royal Variety show.

Who's that handsome young man right there?

-That's me in the middle.

-You? Where's Tommy?

-Tommy, they pushed him right at the end.

-Oh, no. Look at that.

-It's cos he was so tall.

-Yeah, exactly.

-They put the taller kids at the back.

-Exactly.

He'd ad lib with his magic tricks.

He'd think, "Well, that's got a big laugh.

"I'll follow that one with that", and he'd change it.

Look. See that? This one does the same, look.

LAUGHTER

There we are, Jamie.

Dressing room A and B at the Palladium.

It's a Royal Variety show.

There are eight comedians dressed in these two rooms, OK?

Tommy was with them all. Here we are. Let's go in.

Tommy Cooper was a comedian's comedian.

One thing he did, he started this joke, and then he said,

"Oh, excuse me for a minute,"

and he went out the door, and he left us for 20 minutes.

Then he'd come back and they'd say, "Finish the joke."

He'd say, "What joke? Was I doing a joke?

"I don't remember that".

Here's a quick joke.

What was it? Oh, yes.

Now, there's one place, Jamie, I'd love to show you.

It's the most unlikely place to meet him,

but I saw him there very often, outside in the street.

-Let's go.

-Let's go.

And it's somewhere round here.

Hamleys. There we are. Hamleys.

In we go. This was his favourite store.

When he'd look round this store, he'd be in here for hours.

And would he look for certain things

and then apply jokes to them, or do you think he had

a joke in mind first and he'd look for a prop to fit the joke?

-Or was it both?

-No, he'd look for the prop,

and then he'd put the joke to the prop.

While we're here, I could show you a trick in Tommy's honour.

I always give people auditions.

I need you to take out any one that takes your fancy, Bruce.

Your choice.

Wonderful.

-Could you scribble your initials for me, or your autograph?

-Yeah.

I don't usually put my initials.

Oh, in that case, I'll have to put it on eBay. Brilliant.

-Could you just say stop for me?

-Yeah. Stop.

-Brilliant.

If you could place it back. I'm not going to lie to you.

I've done this for quite a long time, quite a lot of people.

I'm not going to find this card.

-He is.

-I am.

-No, he is.

Can you see our friend, Dippy the Duck?

Oh, the duck, yes!

I put the cards in this.

LAUGHTER

-I'm going to place the cards inside the...

-Oh, that's it.

-And if you could hold the duck for me.

-Yeah.

As Tommy always used to say,

"I'm sure you've all seen a duck find a card before."

-That's right!

-But you probably haven't seen a blindfolded duck

-find a card before.

-Oh, that's right. I forgot that bit.

We're going to blindfold him up,

and then Dippy is going to find the card, Bruce. If I may...

He can't see through there, can he? No. On the count of three, Bruce.

We count, one...

-Two.

-..two, three.

Three.

And Dippy takes one card out.

-Can't believe it.

-What was the card you signed your name on?

Queen of hearts.

-The queen of hearts.

-My favourite card.

No less, Bruce.

With my initials on it.

-And Dippy the Duck.

-And Dippy the Duck. Incredible.

-I'm so glad you got that.

-A pleasure.

-Oh, right, you've got the job.

-Oh, thank you. I appreciate that.

-So go and do your act.

-I'll do it now.

Thank you so much, Bruce.

APPLAUSE

What a fabulous day out with Brucie.

It was a dream come true for me. You know, to be able to spend time

in the presence of a legend in the world of show business

is an honour and a privilege and it's something I'll never forget.

Well, listen, we saw some fabulous close-up magic there of Tommy's.

I mean, you know, he often, as you were saying,

he'd get this hilariously wrong, wouldn't he?

On occasion, but that was through choice.

And Tommy was very much like Les Dawson in his style of performing.

He would make a mistake when he wanted to make a mistake,

because he thought it would make what he was doing much funnier.

What not a lot of people know is that Tommy was actually such

a skilled magician, he was actually awarded

the degree of the Member of the Inner Magic Circle, which is

the highest award the Magic Circle gives out, and it's an honour.

I'm immensely proud to be able to say that

I recently received myself, you know, as my idol...

APPLAUSE

Wow.

It's richly deserved, on the basis of just what we've seen so far.

You've got a trick for me now. You've got a close-up trick for me.

Love to, if that's all right.

-Please.

-They say a magician only really does one thing -

pose the question, what's real and what's illusion?

And I always like to leave everybody to work out for themselves

which they think is which.

But for now, let's take this newspaper as an example.

I mean, we all know we can believe everything we read, right?

LAUGHTER

And that's where this particular illusion begins.

Xander, you see, I call it an illusion

because I don't actually tear the newspaper at all.

-Just looks like it.

-OK.

And this is aided by the fact that it actually

sounds like the pieces are being torn.

-Can you hear that?

-Yeah, I can.

It does look very like they're being torn, doesn't it?

It does.

And this is so convincing that after the show, people will come up to me

and they will swear blind that the piece of paper they formerly

saw as whole is now ripped into lots and lots of smaller pieces.

Just to be absolutely... Look at that.

-But it isn't.

-Yeah. Oh, really?

-You see, these people have been tricked.

They've been tricked by the senses they have trusted their entire

lives into believing something they have seen with their own eyes

is the truth when it isn't.

-Mm-hm.

-You see, magic is very much like the newspapers in that you must

never, ever believe everything you see.

MURMURS AND APPLAUSE

ALEXANDER LAUGHS

-How did you do...?

-I'd like to give that to you.

Yeah, all right.

Don't bother filling in the crossword.

I've already done that one. It's the only one I can do.

Well, listen, watching Tommy was what put you onto

the path of becoming the great magician you are today.

But you've now progressed onto larger illusions as well,

-haven't you?

-I have.

-I gather you're going to do something new

-for us, a new trick.

-I would absolutely love to.

-Fabulous.

I also understand you'll need an assistant for this.

-Yeah.

-You're looking for someone good-looking, sassy.

-Yeah.

-Bit of stage presence.

Alexander, I'd like you to...

-Delighted.

-..to ask Kimberly back on the stage, if that's OK.

OK. Yes.

You know I've got better legs, don't you?

AWING AND LAUGHING Um...

ALEXANDER LAUGHS Ladies and gentlemen,

please welcome back to the stage Miss Kimberly Wyatt.

APPLAUSE

-Thank you so much for coming...

-You're welcome. No problem.

-..and agreeing to do this for me.

-Yeah, happy to.

It is such a privilege and an honour for me to be

here as part of this wonderful show, specifically here in this particular

theatre. As Tommy inspired me, I was hoping that together

we could do something that would inspire

other young performers out there.

-Would you be up for that?

-I would love to.

-Fantastic.

-I love a bit of magic.

-Stay with me.

-OK.

-Just follow my lead.

-All right.

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen,

please watch this very, very closely.

APPLAUSE

I was just watching that so closely.

I was determined to work out how you did it.

Can you give me any clues? What happened?

It's fun to fly.

LAUGHTER

Oh, that's just insane, isn't it? Thank you so much, Kimberly.

Very well done. Ladies and gentlemen,

please give it up for the brilliant Jamie Raven.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Now, ladies and gentlemen, forgive my indulgence,

but hearing about all the artists that have inspired our guests

this evening made me want to tell you about my inspiration.

Well, I wanted to be a musician and singer when I was younger,

and there was only really one voice that stood out above everyone else,

and that was Bing Crosby.

RADIO INTERFERENCE

# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah

# Zip-a-dee-ay

# My, oh-my, what a wonderful day

# Plenty of sunshine... #

Yeah, I don't come from an especially musical family,

but we were great listeners to music, and I think that's the crucial thing.

We had music playing in our house all the time.

We had Bing Crosby. We had Frank Sinatra.

We had Ella. It seeps into you.

You know, it's not the style of music,

it's the tone of voice of music as well,

particularly in the case of Bing.

He had a...he had a storyteller's voice.

When Bing sings, it's like a monkey climbing through trees.

Do you know what I mean? He'll sort of swing through a melody.

He'll grab onto a note here

and he'll swing along to the next one like that.

# ..to be a mule

# And all the monkeys aren't in the zoo

# Every day you meet quite a few. #

The extraordinary fact about Bing Crosby that isn't really

talked about enough is the fact that he outsold The Beatles,

he outsold Elvis, in terms of the sheer number of records

he sold, the volume of albums he got out.

My background is choral singing, so it's quite...quite classical.

Choral singing. It's quite a tight grip. It just has to be.

For diction and things, reasons like that.

But you kind of want to just...

It's nice to be able to relax that grip

a little bit and just sort of emulate a little bit of Bing.

Let a little bit of Bing into my life.

I'm going to be singing Stranger In Paradise,

which of course Bing sang.

It's one of those songs... I guess it's like...

it's like an old family friend.

I've just sort of known it all my life, really.

What's exciting for me is this is the first time

I will ever have performed it live in front of an audience.

I'm hoping that Bing will teach me how to...how to sing this.

# Zip-a-dee-doo-dah zip-zip-zip-a-dee-ay. #

APPLAUSE

# Take my hand

# I'm a stranger in paradise

# All lost in a wonderland

# A stranger in paradise

# If I stand starry-eyed

# That's a danger in paradise

# For mortals who stand beside

# An angel like you

# Take my hand

# I'm a stranger in paradise

# Don't send me in dark despair

# From all that I hunger for

# But open your angel's arms

# To the stranger in paradise

# And tell him that he need be

# A stranger no more

# I saw your face

# And I ascended

# Out of the commonplace

# Into the rare

# Somewhere in space

# I hang suspended

# Until I know

# There's a chance that you care

# Won't you answer the fervent prayer

# Of a stranger in paradise?

# Don't send me in dark despair

# From all that I hunger for

# But open your angel's arms

# To the stranger in paradise

# And tell me that I need be

# A stranger

# No more. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

ALEXANDER CHUCKLES Thank you so much.

You're really kind. Thank you.

Thank you. Thank you so very much.

You're very kind.

Still to come on the show tonight...

Singer Beverley Knight.

Catherine Tate closes the show.

And Sir Bruce reveals his inspiration.

Now, our next guest is the brilliant comedian Katherine Ryan,

who's from Canada, but this country has truly adopted her,

though we're not going to tell her till she's older.

I made my little sister the baby's godmother.

Yeah, cos she was too fat to be my bridesmaid, so...

LAUGHTER

Sexy face - practise with me -

thanks to Beyonce, is there's a bad smell and you're angry about it.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

Please welcome Katherine Ryan!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

So, Katherine, welcome to the show.

Thank you so much for having me on, Bruce.

Oh, it's... LAUGHTER

Now, your career has just gone supersonic over the last 12 months.

Oh, that's very kind of you to say.

I mean, you have become such a favourite on, you know,

Have I Got News For You, QI, 8 Out 10 Cats, those panel shows.

I was on Have I Got News For You with you.

-We did it together.

-You were great.

I have to say, it was very easy for a presenter, because,

you know, you spend the day there, we're surrounded by lots of people

-to help us, lots of production people who we get to know.

-Yes.

You kind of get parachuted in.

You've got to hit the ground running and you've got to be...

You've got to be right out there with all the sass, all the funny.

Somehow you get paid way more.

LAUGHTER, ALEXANDER CLEARS THROAT Who is your inspiration?

If it weren't for Joan Rivers, I couldn't have this job.

APPLAUSE There we are, yeah.

Absolutely.

I mean, not just an astonishing personality and performer.

She was just a hurricane of fresh air, wasn't she?

Absolutely right, and she really pushed it. I love that.

She was involved in the late-night chat-show wars.

She was discovered by Johnny Carson, her mentor,

but then when she took a job opposite him in the time slot,

he never spoke to her again.

Well, let's just remind ourselves of what a fantastic force for good

in comedy Joan was.

I am stunned by that outfit. It's beautiful.

It's not mine. Thank you.

Luckily, I found this on a chair next to my husband's bed.

Don't marry for love.

What has love got to do with marriage?

I spit on love and marriage. Oh, please!

You marry for money.

I hate housework.

Housework is boring and it's futile.

You make the bed, you do the dishes -

six months later, you've got to start all over again.

APPLAUSE

Wonderful.

Now, what is it you particularly like about her and her comedy?

Well, you know, I didn't agree with everything that Joan Rivers

said, and I think it's the big picture of Joan's career.

She kept working at it and got told no a lot, and just never went away.

And I loved that... Sometimes I feel uncomfortable about my jokes,

and Joan shows me that that's OK.

I think you've got to push it if you want to make a difference.

You have that in common with her.

-I mean, out of this pure face...

-Oh.

-..comes such caustic remarks.

You know, I didn't know that I liked her so much

until people started comparing me to her, and I was flattered.

It's such a compliment, so thank you.

So when did you first discover her? When did you watch her?

My big treat on a Friday night was to stay up late with Mom

and watch late-night chat shows,

and, of course, she was on the Carol Burnett Show

and did lots of appearances on things, interviews.

She pioneered Live at the Red Carpet.

I was influenced by all that stuff.

She reminds me a lot of the glamorous women in my family.

-But she's mean, like me.

-Mm-hm.

And you're going to treat us to some, I'm guessing,

Rivers-esque stand-up, inspired by her.

I'll try. Please don't get upset.

OK. Well, ladies and gentlemen, inspired by the peerless Joan Rivers,

please, Miss Katherine Ryan.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

I've been compared to Joan Rivers, but older, and it hurts.

Parts of her were younger, and that fine woman got exactly what

she wanted from that final surgery, to stop ageing.

So why are we sad?

Finally, she nailed it.

And I love getting older.

I started comedy just a little girl, and look at me now.

I'm full-blown Caitlin Jenner, and it feels good.

I spent so long wanting to look like one of the Kardashians,

I'm not even mad it's the dad.

I'll take it.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I don't care.

Thank you.

As the wonderful Mr Alexander Armstrong said,

I am from Canada, but I've been living in Britain for nearly

ten years, and it was easy to leave. I'm from a terrible place.

There's a big petrochemical plant in the town that I grew up in,

and it pours poison into the air and into the sea,

but officially it's very safe.

Oh, God. The owner of the plant, Mr Burns, tells us how safe it is.

-Health and safety there is...

-IMITATES BURNS:

-Excellent.

I love your celebrities.

I love Peter Andre. Did you see him on Strictly?

Ooh, he's the nicest man in used-to-be-in-show business.

Isn't he?

And he recently got a new-born pregnant with his baby,

and she had it.

Congratulations to them both.

I started dating a Jewish man.

I fell in love with him, you guys, and he split up with me -

WITH ME - simply because I'm not Jewish,

and I genuinely didn't know that religions still behaved this way.

I am a blonde-haired, blue-eyed, white middle-class woman.

I am entitled to EVERYTHING.

It's not OK for his people to treat me

the way my people quite enjoy treating everyone else.

Last year was my favourite Bake Off ever.

-CHEERS

-Nadiya won Bake Off.

Did you see that?

What a perfect storm of outrage for The Daily Mail that was.

A Muslim woman wins the Great British Bake Off with

a Victoria sponge. Ah!

Ah!

That was worse than them seeing a Somalian playing polo.

They were less anxious than when Diana was seeing Dodi.

They got upset.

Nadiya is amazing.

Of course she's British. Of course she is.

Did you see how embarrassed she was to have won?

Only you guys could have a panic attack about a macaroon.

My daughter is English.

I did not see that coming at all.

She hid it very well as a baby. You couldn't tell.

You couldn't tell where she was from for about a year.

-BRITISH ACCENT:

-"And then all of a sudden, Mummy,

"she started to talk like this way."

At which point, I thought she was just mocking you, and it was fine.

Turns out she's actually English.

The British are sneaking into their own country through my body. Why?

Nigel Farage didn't see that coming, did he?

Thank you so much to Joan Rivers for reminding me

that I can have a voice, as a lady in this world.

Joan, we love you so much. Thank you. Goodnight.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, please show your appreciation

for the fabulous Katherine Ryan.

Now, I know Bruce was really looking forward to telling you

about his inspiration.

Well, thanks to the crazy magic of television, he still can.

# Let's take it nice and easy

# It's gonna be so easy... #

Sammy was the ultimate, the ultimate performer.

He could sing, he could dance, he could do comedy.

He was wonderful to do comedy with.

That's what Sammy did.

BOTH: # ..our shining hour

# Calm and happy and bright. #

He got into the business when he was three years old.

And he grew up in the business, him

and his father and his uncle, you know, the Will Mastin Trio.

And by watching all the performers that he was on the bill with,

he learnt. And that's where a lot of his greatness came from.

# Won't go to Coney Any beach is...#

So many people have been inspired by the great Sammy Davis Jr.

And Adam Garcia, I believe he was inspired by him as well.

There were lots of tap dancers I admired,

but I think of all of them, Sammy Davis is my favourite.

He did things with his feet that you couldn't believe.

It was...it was phenomenal.

Now, I wouldn't invite you here just for a chat.

Thought this would be a good number to do.

Me & My Shadow.

It's a very old song, isn't it?

-Very old, very old.

-But very classy. Cos he's done this a few times.

-He did it with Frank.

-Sinatra, yeah.

I think we could get a bit more, sort of, comedy out of it, you know.

# Like the wallpaper sticks to the wall

# Like the seashore clings to the sea

# Like you'll never get rid of your shadow

-# Sir Bruce

-Oh

# You'll never get rid of me. #

The beats that he got from just doing that with his feet,

they'd just... And you'd hear all these beats coming out.

You couldn't believe where they came from.

So he was...he was, in my mind, a great dancer.

I just adored him as a performer,

and that is 100%.

There's no, you know, "Oh, he was all right," all that.

You know, I just adored him, as the ultimate,

greatest performer that ever lived.

APPLAUSE Now...

Our next guest is a wonderful, award-winning singer,

one of this country's finest soul and R&B performers.

Yes, we've got Beverley Knight to see you, to see you...

-CROWD:

-Nice!

It's like Brucie is here, isn't it?

# You're not that strong

# Just let me go. #

# Hold on, hold on

# Hold on to the beautiful night

# Beautiful night. #

# Woo! #

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Beverley Knight!

MUSIC: She's A Lady by Tom Jones

Beverley, just wonderful to have you here.

-Thank you.

-Fantastic.

You know, I'd say back in the 1990s, when everybody was busy,

but they were all focusing on Britpop, I think

the most exciting thing to happen in that decade was Beverley Knight.

-Oh, thank you.

-Absolutely extraordinary.

So where did it start?

Oh, it started kind of concurrently - church... At home,

my parents always took us to church.

And music... Huge part of, kind of, the whole gospel community.

So it started there. And then also at school.

I just happened to go to a fantastic school

that cared about extracurricular activities,

so they encouraged my music and my drama and everything.

There we are. And then you took

the big step of going into West End musicals.

-Yes.

-You've had just a string of hits there.

Who knew, when I was Sandy in Grease at Highfields School,

that I was going to kind of come back to theatre?

-Yeah.

-I'm so thrilled to have had that opportunity presented to me.

So, life is good.

-Life is very good.

-Life is good.

-Tell me about your inspiration.

Oh, the greatest...

Well, the man who gave us soul music.

It wasn't called soul music before he came along in the '50s

and changed everything - took it out of the church,

put it on the pop charts, and it became soul.

The late, great Sam Cooke.

APPLAUSE

-Indisputably...

-Yeah.

..the great...the originator, really.

-Absolutely.

-I can't wait to hear this.

-Well, let's find out why Sam Cooke means so much to you.

-Yes.

# Don't know much about history... #

If you listen closely to any soul singer, of any decade,

you'll trace them back to Sam.

I was just absolutely mesmerised by the power

and the delivery of this voice,

disembodied voice, coming out of this 33

that went round and round and round, and I'd just stand there

and just stare at it going round,

and it just took me to another world.

He died in an America where he couldn't vote,

where he was still treated as a third-class citizen.

As Sam was, you know, the man he was -

dreamt of better things and better days -

a song like A Change Is Gonna Come

carries not just the weight

of history behind it,

because it's so beautifully crafted and is a masterpiece,

but it carries the huge responsibility

of delivering the message

absolutely faultlessly.

He'd written this song that has become

a torch throughout the decades,

and indeed Obama had it at his inauguration ceremony.

When I step up to the mic and sing that song,

all those things,

all those responsibilities, all those thoughts,

all those feelings will be with me from the very first note.

And the very first note is a big note.

Paying homage to Sam Cooke,

the father of soul...

..is one of the biggest responsibilities

and also one of the biggest honours that I could ever have.

APPLAUSE

# I was born by the river

# In a little tent, oh

# And just like that old river

# I've been runnin' ever since

# It's been a long

# Long time comin'

# But I know

# A change gonna come

# Oh, yes, it will

# It's been too hard livin'

# But I'm afraid to die

# Cos I don't know what's up there

# Way beyond the sky

# It's been a long

# Long time comin'

# But I know

# A change gonna come

# Oh, yes, it will

# Yes, it will, now

# Mmm

# Oh, yes

# It's been a long

# Long time comin'

# But I know

# A change gonna come

# Oh, Lord, yes, it will

# Yes, it will, yes, it will

# So I go

# To my brother

# And I say to him Brother man

# Oh, brother man

# Won't you help me, please?

# Won't you help me please?

# But, oh, he keeps on

# Keeps on winding me up

# Till I'm bowed down, bowed down

# Bowed down, on my knees, yes

# There were times when

# When I

# When I thought I couldn't last for long

# But somehow, somehow

# Lord, I found the strength

# Oh, to carry on

# It's been a long

# Time comin'

# But I know

# A change gonna come

# Oh, Lord, yes, it will Yes, it will

# It's been a long

# Long time comin'

# But I know, I know, I know, I know, I know

# A change gonna come

# Oh, Lord, yes, it will

# Yes, it will. #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

That is a performance that no-one in this theatre will ever forget

for the rest of their lives. That was just extraordinary.

Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen, let's hear it one more time

for the wonderful Beverley Knight.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Now, our final guest of the evening is an outstanding comedian,

actor and writer.

She's so funny she'll have you rolling in the aisles,

though please can I ask you not to do that as it does present

a health and safety issue.

# I

# I am what I am

# I am my own special crea-tion. #

How very dare you?

# Come take a look

# Give me the hook. # You're kidding me.

# Or the ova-tion. #

Am I bothered?

APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Catherine Tate.

Oh, Catherine, welcome.

-Oh, thank you.

-Welcome to the Dominion.

Now, you've created a great many comedy characters.

I mean, one of the things you always dread... Cos obviously,

as someone who's spent quite a lot of my professional career

-in sketch comedy...

-Yes.

-The thing you always dread is someone going...

-BOTH:

-"Where do you get your characters from?"

You've just got to look around you - front row -

and, er, nick people's personalities,

pass it off as your own.

It's that funny thing where things just fall into place, isn't it?

We would sometimes make up our characters when we started

rehearsing at the beginning of a week, and you think...

-Oh, yeah.

-Some of them...

-Some of them, you start with a hairstyle.

Yes. "Haven't had a Scottish one for a while."

Now, Catherine, who is your comedy inspiration?

My comedy inspiration is the supreme Victoria Wood.

APPLAUSE

I mean, a polymath of comedy, really.

-Oh, absolutely.

-Stand-up, writer...

-I mean, an incredible writer.

-Incredible writer. Actor.

A character comedian.

-The generosity of her writing for other performers...

-Yeah.

..is certainly beyond my comprehension.

-Absolutely.

-Because I give myself all the best lines, you see.

-You know that.

-She doesn't.

-You see all the people,

the names who queue up, you know...

-To work with her.

-They fight to work with her.

-Absolutely.

Incredible roll call, isn't it?

Now, before you sing one of Victoria's classic routines,

let's just find out why she was so inspiring to you.

Well, there was so much when I was growing up, you know,

that would be event TV, comedy-wise, you know.

Two Ronnies, Benny Hill, Little and Large.

I mean, so much stuff. And then Victoria Wood entered my life.

I'm not bothered.

And that blew it away, because

she was the first woman I'd seen being funny.

I really looked forward to it, and I would never get bored of it.

I could never have enough of it.

She said dinner ladies were putting everything in there - you know,

bogey bits...

..verrucas...

..carrots...

Seeing her perform and seeing the other people around her,

that is a comedy masterclass.

You don't realise that you're studying it.

It just seeps into you.

I'm definitely where I am because of her.

The Ballad Of Barry And Freda, I was very excited to see it

when I first watched it. It was just like,

"Oh, my God, imagine being the person that does that."

# Let's do it Let's do it tonight

# But he said I can't do it, I can't do it... #

It kind of takes you on its own journey,

and I think the orchestration of it as well is so brilliant,

because it kind of just runs away with you.

# Stop pouting, stop shouting

# You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting.

# I can't do it I can't do it tonight. #

And it's her eye for detail.

It's her eye for the ordinary,

the kind of everyday

but then becomes so beautifully nuanced.

That is what's so special and brilliant and memorable.

# Cos I know just how I want you to behave... #

She's just so brilliant.

She's just so brilliant, and it's...

Really, I don't know if I can do her the service I would like to do her.

So as nervous as I am...

..I can't wait.

With her take on Victoria Wood's Ballad Of Barry And Freda,

it's Catherine Tate!

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

# Freda and Barry sat one night

# The sky was clear The stars were bright

# The wind was soft The moon was up

# Freda drained her cocoa cup

# She licked her lips She felt sublime

# She switched off Gardeners' Question Time

# Barry cringed with fear and dread

# As Freda grabbed his tie and said

# Let's do it, let's do it

# Do it while the mood is right

# I'm feeling appealing I've really got an appetite

# I'm on fire with desire

# I could handle half the tenors in a male voice choir

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight

# But he said I can't do it, I can't do it

# I don't believe in too much sex

# This fashion for passion turns us into nervous wrecks

# No derision, my decision

# I'd rather watch The Spinners on the television

# I can't do it, can't do it tonight

# So she said Let's do it, let's do it

# Do it till our hearts go boom

# Go native, creative

# Living in the living room

# This folly is jolly

# Bend me over backwards on me hostess trolley

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight

# I can't do it, I can't do it

# I know I'll only get it wrong

# Don't angle for me to dangle

# Me arms have never been that strong

# Stop pouting, stop shouting

# You know I pulled a muscle when I did that grouting

# I can't do it, can't do it tonight

# So she said, Let's do it, let's do it

# Share a night of wild romance

# Frenetic, poetic This could be your last big chance

# To quote Milton, to eat Stilton

# To roll with gay abandon on the tufted Wilton

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight

# But he said I can't do it, I can't do it

# I've got other little jobs on hand

# Don't grouse around the house I've got a busy evening planned

# Stop nagging, I'm flagging

# You know as well as I do that the pipes want lagging

# I can't do it, can't do it tonight

# Let's do it, let's do it I really absolutely must

# I won't exempt you Want to tempt you

# Want to drive you mad with lust

# No cautions, just contortions

# Smear an avocado on my lower portions

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight

# I can't do it, I can't do it It's really not my cup of tea

# I'm harassed, embarrassed I wish you hadn't picked on me

# No dramas, give me my pyjamas

# The only girl I'm mad about is Judith Chalmers

# I can't do it I can't do it tonight

# Let's do it, let's do it I really want to run amok

# Let's wiggle, let's jiggle Let's really make the rafters rock

# Be mighty, be flighty

# Come and melt the buttons on my flameproof nightie

# Let's do it, let's do it tonight

# Let's do it, let's do it I really want to rant and rave

# Let's go, cos I know just how I want you to behave

# Not bleakly, not meekly

# Beat me on the bottom with a Woman's Weekly

# Let's do it Let's do it tonight! #

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE

Ladies and gentlemen, Victoria Wood.

APPLAUSE

What a wonderful performance. Thank you so much, Catherine Tate.

Well, what a night, ladies and gentlemen!

Thank you so much to our audience here at the Dominion,

to all of you at home.

On tonight's show, we had, with her brilliant performance

inspired by Victoria Wood, we have just heard Catherine Tate.

Inspired by Aretha Franklin, Shona McGarty.

With their tribute to Cyd Charisse and Gene Kelly, Kimberly Wyatt

and Adam Garcia.

Giving some love to Joan Rivers, Katherine Ryan.

Paying homage to Tommy Cooper, Jamie Raven.

Singing a Sam Cooke classic her way, Beverley Knight.

And of course, huge thanks to Steve and his wonderful orchestra.

And I think I speak on everyone's behalf by saying thank you to Bruce

for inviting us all on the show.

All the best.

Take care and goodnight!