1972 Christmas Night with the Stars


1972

Ronnie Corbett and Ronnie Barker host a seasonal variety programme from 1972. With stars including Lulu, Cilla Black, The Goodies, The Liver Birds, Mike Yarwood and Dad's Army.


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Transcript


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APPLAUSE

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Good evening. We hope you're all having an absolutely wonderful Christmas.

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We've got a marvellous show for you.

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There's the Kirov State Ballet, the Moscow State Circus,

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the Ukrainian State Dancers, the Leningrad Philharmonic Orchestra,

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and the Massed Bands of the Red Army.

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And as an encore, we'll be declaring war on Europe.

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LAUGHTER

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And for those of you who like a bit of peace and quiet,

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we've got the massed choirs of the Noise Abatement Society singing Silent Night.

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But first, the news.

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The BBC announced today that there will be a special fortnight

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of special programmes in November to mark the first anniversary

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of its 50th anniversary.

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LAUGHTER

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In the Commons yesterday,

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Mr Willie Hamilton held up a piece of mistletoe

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and said the price was a disgrace.

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226 members shouted, "Shame".

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193 shouted, "Hear, hear".

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And 12 kissed him.

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LAUGHTER

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And the Croydon girl who had her clothes torn off

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during a bring and buy sale in a church hall

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arrived home last night suffering from shock.

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Her father, an upholsterer, rushed her to his workshop,

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and today she is reported to be fully recovered.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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The governor... The governor of Parkhurst has announced that

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five maximum-security prisoners today sat down to a Christmas dinner

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of turkey, stuffing,

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roast potatoes, Brussels sprouts and Christmas pudding with brandy sauce.

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However, efforts to recapture them are still going on.

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LAUGHTER

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And shooting on Ken Russell's new film, a musical film,

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A Night On A Bare Mountain,

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was held up last week when Sir Rafe Richardson walked out

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after Mrs Mills had refused to take her clothes off.

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As a special Christmas goodwill gesture,

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a well-known British petrol firm is offering an extended-play gramophone record

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of American Indian ghost stories for only three new pence.

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Just ask for the BP 3p Creepy Tepee EP.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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We've been asked to make a special Christmas appeal on behalf of

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the Society for the Prevention of Rudeness on Envelopes.

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If you're opposed to rudeness on envelopes,

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send your money to this address -

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Pull Your Knickers Down, Bristol FA3.

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LAUGHTER

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Here is a police warning.

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A consignment of talcum powder sold last week in the central London area

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contained baking powder by mistake.

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People who purchased the product are warned

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not to sit too close to the fire or they may break out in biscuits.

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LAUGHTER

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While at a London store,

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a sandwich board man stopped work as a protest yesterday after he heard

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that the store's Father Christmas had been given the sack.

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After it had been explained to him that the Christmas...

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Father Christmas had to have the sack before he could start work,

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the sandwich man was given his notice.

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This, in turn, angered the Father Christmas until it was explained

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that the sandwich man had to have his notice to carry round the streets.

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Afterwards, the Father Christmas agreed to take the sack

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providing he wasn't given his notice

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and the sandwich man agreed to carry his notice

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provided he wasn't given the sack.

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The solution to this item will be given later in the programme.

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LAUGHTER

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But first, a sketch starring Mr Ronnie Corbett,

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who is now appearing in Aladdin And His Wonderful Lamp,

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playing the part of the wick.

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And Mr Ronnie Barker, who is now appearing in Robin Hood,

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playing the part of Sherwood Forest.

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So let's now consider the state of the party.

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EASY LISTENING MUSIC

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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What do you do?

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I run like hell.

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No, I mean for a living.

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Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you meant

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what do I do when I'm attacked by a giant vampire bat,

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with great black flapping wings, screeching and tearing at my throat.

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No, no, no, I just meant for a job, you know?

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Oh, sorry - I'm a solicitor.

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Oh. That's very interesting.

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Interesting? It's appalling!

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It's the most hideous, terrifying death in the world.

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No, I mean being a solicitor.

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Oh, sorry, I thought you meant being left in the graveyard

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when the vampire bats attack you, flying out of the white moon,

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screeching and tearing at your throat.

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No, no, no, I just meant, is it interesting being a solicitor?

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Well, yes, in a way, you know.

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I...I had an uncle who was one once.

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God, no. Did they have to drive a stake through his heart?

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No, no, no.

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LAUGHTER

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No, he was a solicitor.

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Oh, not a vampire?

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No.

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Oh, well, in that case they wouldn't want to drive a stake through his heart, would they?

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No, definitely not, no.

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Would you, would you like another one?

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God, no, not another one. One's enough, tearing at my throat!

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Another one would go for my eyes as well.

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I mean, I mean, would you like another drink?

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Oh! Oh, yes, yes, yes, I would.

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You would? You would what?

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I would like another drink.

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-Oh, I see. For a minute, I thought you meant you would have left him lying there in a pool of blood.

-No.

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Without any attempt to cover up the body at all.

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No, I just meant I wanted some more.

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YOU wanted some more? I wanted some more.

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Everybody wanted some more - the whole family, but he was a solicitor, you see.

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-No, no, more Scotch.

-More S...? No, no, Welsh.

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Welsh. Little Welsh...

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God, we hated him, hated him.

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-No water.

-No water, no. I had to use old newspaper to mop the blood up.

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It was all over the floor and it was all over the ceiling.

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And there was this little Welsh solicitor lying there with a stake through his heart.

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I don't... I don't really have nightmares about vampires.

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I had to do it, you see - you do understand that, don't you?

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I had to do it, I had to.

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Oh, God! The blood, the horror.

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I was just saying that about vampires to...

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to, to make conversation.

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Yes, that's all I do it for. Parties get so boring otherwise, don't they?

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-Oh, yes.

-Are you married?

-Yes, I am...

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APPLAUSE

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Later in the show...

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Later in the show, we'll be speaking to a Norwich vet

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who has crossed a giraffe with an Alsatian

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and got a dog that barks at low-flying aircraft.

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But first, it's time for some music.

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Some years ago,

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a young girl came down from Scotland to London

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in search of fame and fortune.

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At the age of 16, she made her first record, and at the age of 17,

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she made her first tour of America.

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You all know who she is today -

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Jessie McGonagall.

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But who wants to listen to her?

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We'd... We'd much rather hear from Lulu and The Young Generation.

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APPLAUSE

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# Shout, shout, shout, shout

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-# Shout

-Yeah

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-# Shout

-Yeah

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-# Shout,

-yeah,

-shout,

-yeah,

-shout,

-yeah,

-shout,

-yeah

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# Shout now, everybody shout now

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# Shout out, everybody shout now

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# We're gonna shout right now

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# Shout out, oh, Lulu, shout out

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# Hey, Lulu, shout, shout, shout

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# Hey, shout out for Lulu

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# Lulu! #

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: To My Father's House

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# There'll be no crying there

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# There'll be no dying there

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# There'll be no crying there, there'll be no dying there

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# In my father's house, there are so many mansions there

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# If that were not true, you know that I would have told you so

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# I'm going to prepare a place for you

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# If ever I go, you could come there too

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# Come on and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# There'll be no crying there

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# There'll be no dying there

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# Yeah, there'll be no dying

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# Come and go with me

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# To my father's house, to my father's house

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# In my father's house, there are so many mansions there

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# If that were not true

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# You know that I would have told you so

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# I'm going to prepare a place for you

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# Wherever I go, you could come there too

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# Come on and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# There'll be no crying there

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# There'll be no crying

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# There'll be no dying there

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# And there's no dying

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# To my father's house

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# To my father's house

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# There are many mansions there

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# Mansions

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# Tell you what I'll do

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# Tell you what I'll do

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# I could have told you so

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# Yes, I could have told you so

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come on, go with me

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# You gotta go with me

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# Go with me

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# Come on and go with me

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# Go with me

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# I said go with me, yeah

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# Go with me

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# Come on, go with me, yeah

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# Go with me

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# Yeah, go with me

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# Go with me

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# Come on, go with me, yeah

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# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Yeah, come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

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# Come and go with me to my father's house

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# To my father's

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# House

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# Ye-eah. #

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APPLAUSE

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MUSIC: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

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BICYCLE BELL TINKLES AND HORN HONKS

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CHEERFUL KAZOO THEME

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# Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright... #

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Whoa!

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# We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar

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# Field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star

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# While shepherds watch their flock by night

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# All seated on the ground... #

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SHEEP BAAS

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# We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts... #

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LAUGHTER

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BELL RINGS

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# Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing

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# Ding dong verily the sky... #

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LAUGHTER

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HE SCAT SINGS

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BELL DONGS

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HE SHOUTS

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SHE GIGGLES

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SHE SQUEALS

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LAUGHTER

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CLANG!

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HIGH-PITCHED MUTTERING

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Eh? Wha? Eh?

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Argh! Argh!

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Ooh!

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Argh!

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Ooh!

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HE CACKLES

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HE LAUGHS AND SHE SQUEALS

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ALARM RINGS

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HORN HONKS

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GONG CLASHES

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FLAPPING

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HE CACKLES

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CLUCKING

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GUNSHOT

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CRASH!

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BURP!

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INAUDIBLE SPEECH

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HE STRAINS

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HE CACKLES

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HONKING

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-Come on, hurry up!

-No, I'm still changing.

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I'm still changing! I've got a fag...

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DING!

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# Goodies! Goody goody yum yum. #

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Here are two news items that have just come in.

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The Archbishop of Canterbury

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gave a special Christmas address this evening.

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It's 27 Stuffing Road, Turkey.

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And a thief broke into the home of Mr Bruce Forsyth last week.

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The burglar alarm went off after 45 seconds

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during which time the man got away

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with a toast rack, an umbrella stand, a fluffy dog, a camera,

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one of those things you put cakes on that folds up,

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a bottle of champagne,

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a magazine rack, set of matching luggage,

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ladies' nightdress and a pair of wellington boots.

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Bruce Forsyth, when asked to comment, said, "Didn't he do well?"

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And now,

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and now two young ladies who have also done very well.

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Ladies and gentlemen, the Liver Birds.

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# All things bright and beautiful

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# All creatures great and small

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# All things wise and wonderful

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# The Lord God made them all... #

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Switch it off, Sand.

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I cooked most of the food, why can't you switch it off?

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Cos I ate most of the food.

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All right.

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MUSIC STOPS

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Sand, do you mind?

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My paper hat'll be round me waist.

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Sorry, Beryl, my legs aren't used to carrying

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more than a cheese sandwich.

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Oh, well, I'm glad yesterday's over anyway. I hate Christmas Day.

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It makes me feel very sad.

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Oh, Sandra, now, come on, it's supposed to be the festive season,

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you're supposed to be joyful and happy and gay and...

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..sick.

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I don't know why it is but I can't stop thinking about poor people.

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And hungry children.

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And dead turkeys.

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Oh, my God, we're not going to have three minutes' silence for the contents of our stomach, are we?

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Well, it is rather cruel, isn't it, Beryl?

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I mean, look at the state of that poor thing.

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Well, it's its destiny, isn't it?

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I mean, we've all got to die sometimes.

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It's just that some of us go in black cars surrounded by flowers

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and some of us go in roasting tins surrounded by spuds.

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You're right, Beryl. Do you know, sometimes, you're very philosophical.

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Now you're waiting for me to ask you what that word means, aren't you?

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No. No, I do credit you with a little intelligence.

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Yes, well, don't overdo it.

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What does it mean?

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It means that you ruminate, you speculate, you perpend.

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My God, ask a silly question, you get three silly answers.

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Oh, well, if we're going to that party tonight,

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perhaps we better start tidying up.

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Right.

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I'm glad that's done.

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-It's amazing how you can get through your housework if you put your mind to it.

-Yeah.

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What was it like at home yesterday?

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Oh, the usual hilarious Hennessey Christmas.

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Me dad spent all breakfast toasting everybody's health

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and then collapsed. And me mam was so busy cooking everything,

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I was afraid to turn round in case she slapped tinfoil on me dad.

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My father sulked all day because

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Mummy made him wear that velvet smoking jacket she bought him,

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then she wouldn't let him smoke in case he dropped ash on it.

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And then we had the annual family mutiny.

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Our Gloria and me mam versus Ernie and me dad.

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Me mam reminded me dad that she'd had 28 Christmases with him.

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Our Gloria reminded Ernie that she'd had two with him.

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The only thing they agreed upon was they'd had 30 lousy Christmases.

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Mummy thinks quarrelling is undignified.

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Aye, I thought the word dignity would come into it somewhere.

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Does she knit knickers for your turkey?

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No, but she knitted a white sweater for Daddy.

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It was miles too big, he looked like a marquee.

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My mam and dad don't bother giving presents, they just swap fivers.

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Hey, did you listen to the Queen's Speech?

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Oh, of course we did.

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Mam puts her hat on for that.

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Oh, well. It's over.

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We've been home, we've done our duty.

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Well, when I said we've done our duty, I don't mean...

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Well, I like going home.

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It's nice, isn't it?

0:23:060:23:08

Well, it's family and togetherness,

0:23:080:23:10

and it reminds you of how things used to be.

0:23:100:23:12

It reminds you of why you left in the first place.

0:23:120:23:15

You know, Beryl, I think you can tell a person's intentions

0:23:160:23:20

-by the sort of presents they buy you.

-What do you mean?

0:23:200:23:24

Well, my theory is that this bracelet my Paul bought me

0:23:240:23:27

is symbolic of handcuffs, which means he loves me

0:23:270:23:31

and secretly wants to be bound to me.

0:23:310:23:33

What does half a dozen bath cubes mean?

0:23:330:23:35

It means that secretly someone wants to make love to you in a bath.

0:23:350:23:40

Why, who gave them to you?

0:23:410:23:42

Your Paul.

0:23:420:23:43

Every fella I know gave me half a dozen bath cubes.

0:23:450:23:48

I could build a block of flats with them.

0:23:480:23:49

Let's face it, Sand.

0:23:490:23:51

Anything will do for me.

0:23:510:23:52

Oh, be fair, Beryl.

0:23:520:23:54

That's a lovely clock your Brian bought you.

0:23:540:23:57

Yes, well, if your theories are right,

0:23:570:23:59

it means he wants to make love to me on the mantelpiece.

0:23:590:24:02

So, if everybody keeps their promises,

0:24:020:24:05

I'll spend half my life wet through

0:24:050:24:07

and the other half on the mantelpiece drying out.

0:24:070:24:10

I think these are gorgeous.

0:24:110:24:13

Yes, they are. Trust you to get a pair.

0:24:130:24:15

I had to get an all-in-one.

0:24:150:24:17

It's nice, Beryl.

0:24:180:24:20

Nice? At least you can walk round in yours.

0:24:200:24:23

I'd have to be a bloody kangaroo to go anywhere in this.

0:24:230:24:27

I can't quite get the hang of that electric toothbrush your Gloria gave me.

0:24:270:24:30

I plugged it in, switched it on and the next thing I knew,

0:24:300:24:33

it had leapt down the lav.

0:24:330:24:35

You're supposed to keep hold of it, you daft thing.

0:24:350:24:37

Have you tried yours yet?

0:24:370:24:38

Of course I have, it's easy.

0:24:380:24:40

And how do your teeth feel?

0:24:400:24:42

Loose.

0:24:420:24:43

Oh, well. Never mind.

0:24:430:24:45

We can always use them for cleaning our suede boots with.

0:24:450:24:48

That's a good idea.

0:24:480:24:49

You know, Beryl, I'll never forget the look

0:24:500:24:53

on Mummy's and Daddy's faces when I gave them that little puppy.

0:24:530:24:56

Little puppy? It took two of us to drag that thing

0:24:560:24:59

out of that dogs' home.

0:24:590:25:00

Wish we could have bought them all, really.

0:25:000:25:02

Oh, one was enough. We had to cordon off the Christmas tree as it was.

0:25:020:25:07

It only did it once, Beryl.

0:25:070:25:08

Once? All the time it was here, its back leg never touched the ground.

0:25:080:25:11

What did your mum and dad think of the liquidiser you gave them?

0:25:130:25:16

They thought it was a reading lamp.

0:25:160:25:18

Ah, but they were so chuffed.

0:25:190:25:20

Do you know, I could have cried.

0:25:200:25:22

Do you know, Beryl, that's exactly how I feel.

0:25:220:25:25

Parents are funny, aren't they?

0:25:250:25:27

Yeah.

0:25:270:25:29

You always mean to tell them how much you love them but you can never

0:25:290:25:33

get round to it somehow.

0:25:330:25:34

-I wonder why.

-I don't know.

0:25:340:25:36

I will one day when me mam pauses long enough.

0:25:360:25:39

Tell you what, Beryl,

0:25:400:25:41

let's tell them the next time we see them, shall we?

0:25:410:25:43

Yeah, all right, yeah.

0:25:430:25:45

After all, we didn't leave home because we didn't love them, did we?

0:25:450:25:48

No, we left home because we couldn't stand them.

0:25:480:25:51

Oh, God, what shall we do with that?

0:25:530:25:55

I'm sick of the sight of that thing.

0:25:550:25:57

Let's throw it out for the birds.

0:25:570:26:00

You can't do that, Beryl.

0:26:000:26:02

It's one of its own species.

0:26:020:26:04

It would be like giving pork sausage to a pig.

0:26:040:26:06

We'll put it on the windowsill, happen it'll fly away.

0:26:060:26:10

-Are you in there, Beryl?

-Oh, my God, it's me mam.

0:26:100:26:12

Beryl!

0:26:120:26:13

I wonder what she wants.

0:26:130:26:14

-Beryl!

-Try a tonsillectomy.

0:26:140:26:17

My God! What a day I've had, what a day.

0:26:170:26:19

I don't know where to start.

0:26:190:26:20

Happy Christmas, love. I told him, leave it alone, I said.

0:26:200:26:23

But he never takes a blind bit of notice.

0:26:230:26:25

It's like talking to a plastic duck.

0:26:250:26:26

-What's the matter, Mam?

-You know the liquidiser you bought us?

-Yes.

0:26:260:26:29

-Your dad's liquidised two of his fingers.

-Oh, no.

0:26:290:26:32

-Do you want a sip of sherry, Mrs Hennessey?

-Oh, no, thank you, love.

0:26:320:26:34

-Is he all right?

-Oh, yeah, he's all right,

0:26:350:26:38

he's down at the hospital waiting to be stitched.

0:26:380:26:40

Supposed to be his good hand and all

0:26:400:26:41

so God knows what he's going to throw his darts with now.

0:26:410:26:44

Do you know, if someone were to dip his darts into poison,

0:26:440:26:46

the whole of Bootle could be wiped out in one night.

0:26:460:26:48

-Have some sherry, Mrs Hennessey?

-Well...

0:26:480:26:50

All right, then, but just the one, mind.

0:26:500:26:52

He's coming down later with the other so I thought we'd have tea with you.

0:26:540:26:57

It's all the same, we can have just as good a row down here.

0:26:570:27:00

-All of you?!

-No, not all of us.

0:27:000:27:01

Just me and your dad, and Ern and our Gloria and the baby and your Uncle Dermot.

0:27:010:27:05

You don't mind us being here, do you, queen?

0:27:050:27:07

-Well...

-No, I thought you wouldn't.

0:27:070:27:09

It's quite funny, really.

0:27:090:27:10

Beryl and I were just saying

0:27:100:27:12

how nice it was being at home yesterday.

0:27:120:27:14

-We were just saying how nice it was being here together.

-Sandra!

0:27:140:27:18

Sandra! Darling.

0:27:180:27:20

BOTH: With our families.

0:27:200:27:21

Oh, Sandra, I would've telephoned, but I've been in such a frenzy,

0:27:210:27:25

that wretched animal, I can't tell you, I just can't tell you,

0:27:250:27:29

that creature, that monster!

0:27:290:27:31

It absconded with the turkey.

0:27:310:27:34

Oh, hello, Mrs Hennessey.

0:27:340:27:36

-Happy Christmas.

-Likewise, I'm sure.

0:27:360:27:39

I was just saying, our dog absconded with...it nicked the turkey.

0:27:390:27:44

I was just saying that our liquidiser had nicked two of her dad's fingers.

0:27:440:27:48

Oh, dear. I hope nobody bought him gloves for Christmas.

0:27:480:27:53

Have a slurp, Mrs Hutch.

0:27:530:27:55

Thank you, dear. What a pretty vase.

0:27:550:27:58

We looked for that creature high and low and when we finally found him

0:27:580:28:02

there was nothing left but a ball of stuffing. It was revolting.

0:28:020:28:05

-Who's she talking about now, the dog or her husband?

-Ssh!

0:28:050:28:09

-Where's Daddy?

-He's taken the thing for a walk.

0:28:090:28:11

He'll be as back as soon as it's been sick.

0:28:110:28:13

-He won't come here?

-You don't mind, do you, darling?

0:28:130:28:16

I thought we could all have a lovely tea together.

0:28:160:28:19

After a couple of these, we won't notice the company.

0:28:190:28:22

Hey, now, look here...

0:28:220:28:23

The trouble is, you see... Well, we haven't got any food left.

0:28:230:28:26

Yes, we're going to a party.

0:28:260:28:28

By the way, Mrs Hennessey, thank you for your Christmas card.

0:28:280:28:31

You know, they're really quite good value, aren't they,

0:28:310:28:33

those cheap bumper packs?

0:28:330:28:34

We got yours and all. It's at the Walker Art Gallery being valued.

0:28:340:28:39

-I always buy...

-Sand!

0:28:390:28:41

Listen, you know what you said about telling your mum that you loved her?

0:28:410:28:44

-Yes.

-Let's wait until next year.

0:28:440:28:45

Oh, yes.

0:28:450:28:46

-Ah, there's our baby!

-BABY CRIES

0:28:460:28:48

"After a few of these we won't notice the company."

0:28:480:28:51

Yeah, quite!

0:28:510:28:52

# All things wise and wonderful

0:28:550:28:58

# The Lord God made them all. #

0:28:580:29:03

MUSIC: Burning Love

0:29:030:29:06

# Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising

0:29:100:29:13

# Higher higher

0:29:160:29:17

# It's burning through to my soul

0:29:170:29:20

# Girl, girl, girl

0:29:220:29:24

# You're gonna set me on fire

0:29:240:29:26

# My brain is flaming

0:29:290:29:30

# I don't know which way to go

0:29:300:29:32

# Your kisses lift me higher

0:29:350:29:37

# Like the sweet song of a choir

0:29:370:29:40

# You light my morning sky

0:29:410:29:43

# With burning love

0:29:430:29:45

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

0:29:480:29:49

# I feel my temperature rising

0:29:490:29:51

# Help me, I'm flaming, I must be a hundred and nine

0:29:540:29:57

# Burning, burning, burning

0:30:000:30:02

# And nothing can cool me

0:30:020:30:04

# I might just turn to smoke

0:30:060:30:08

# But I feel fine

0:30:080:30:10

# Your kisses life me higher

0:30:100:30:15

# Like the sweet song of a choir

0:30:150:30:18

# And you light my morning sky

0:30:180:30:21

# With burning love

0:30:210:30:23

# Ah, ah, ah

0:30:250:30:28

# Ah, ah, ah

0:30:280:30:31

# Ah, ah, ah

0:30:310:30:34

# Burning love

0:30:340:30:35

# It's coming closer

0:30:380:30:39

# The flames are now licking my body

0:30:390:30:41

# Won't you help me?

0:30:440:30:45

# I feel like I'm slipping away

0:30:450:30:48

# It's hard to breathe

0:30:500:30:52

# My chest is a-heaving

0:30:520:30:54

# Lord have mercy

0:30:570:30:58

# I'm burning a hole where I lay

0:30:580:31:00

# Your kisses lift me higher

0:31:030:31:05

# Like the sweet song of a choir

0:31:050:31:08

# You light my morning sky

0:31:080:31:11

# With burning love

0:31:110:31:13

# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love

0:31:150:31:17

# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love

0:31:170:31:20

# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love

0:31:200:31:24

# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love

0:31:240:31:26

# Burning love. #

0:31:260:31:28

APPLAUSE

0:31:280:31:30

Have you had a good Christmas, Ronnie?

0:31:380:31:40

Oh, yes, yes, it's been all bunting and frolics.

0:31:400:31:42

I was advised not to drink before saying that.

0:31:440:31:46

Jolly good jib I dodn't, really.

0:31:460:31:48

Well, we've had a very nice day.

0:31:500:31:51

We've had paper chains everywhere all over the house.

0:31:510:31:55

Every time we open the front door, the toilet flushes.

0:31:550:31:57

And there were lots of marvellous presents around this year.

0:31:570:32:01

I gave my wife a pair of ankle warmers.

0:32:010:32:03

Knickers without elastic.

0:32:030:32:05

Yes, I gave my wife...wife a joke like that, yes.

0:32:060:32:09

I'll say that again. I gave my wife a joke like that.

0:32:090:32:12

A pair of run-resistant tights.

0:32:120:32:14

The legs are tied together.

0:32:140:32:15

It works, it works!

0:32:170:32:19

But one of the best presents I got this year was this one.

0:32:190:32:22

This is a lovely one. See that?

0:32:220:32:23

Isn't that nice? Guinness Book Of Records.

0:32:230:32:25

It's all there.

0:32:270:32:29

And I got an Enoch Powell chessboard.

0:32:290:32:33

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:32:350:32:37

I got one of these, these are nice.

0:32:400:32:42

Toilet seat for someone you don't like.

0:32:420:32:44

Suits you, it suits you.

0:32:490:32:51

Suits me, yes. Yes?

0:32:510:32:53

Oh, it's me again! But one of the best things about Christmas...

0:32:530:32:55

One of the best things about Christmas, though,

0:32:550:32:57

is the special television programmes.

0:32:570:32:59

The BB She... The BB She!

0:32:590:33:01

Good job I wasn't doing the fronting in that line, wasn't it?

0:33:030:33:06

The BBC are showing Mutiny On The Bounty.

0:33:060:33:09

They're also showing a film about violent attacks on the police in

0:33:090:33:11

the Canadian Rockies, called Boot An Ear On The Mountie.

0:33:110:33:15

And a film about a man who falls off Everest and lands on Raquel Welch

0:33:150:33:18

entitled Mountaineer On The Beauty.

0:33:180:33:20

Unfortunately, you won't be seeing...

0:33:200:33:23

You won't be seeing Gracie Fields this Christmas,

0:33:230:33:25

but she has sent a special message from Capri, saying,

0:33:250:33:28

"I'm not coming over, the money's not right."

0:33:280:33:30

And we've been asked to announce that next week on the show of the week,

0:33:330:33:37

there'll be a competition to judge which goals

0:33:370:33:39

of all the goals chosen on Match Of The Day as Goal of the Month

0:33:390:33:42

was this year's Goal of the Month of the Year.

0:33:420:33:44

Send your entries to this address.

0:33:440:33:45

Match Of The Day Goal of the Month of the Year,

0:33:450:33:47

Goal of the Month, Match Of The Day show of the week, London.

0:33:470:33:50

And now here's Mike Yarwood as himself.

0:33:500:33:53

See if you can recognise him.

0:33:530:33:54

Look at the muck on here!

0:34:010:34:02

APPLAUSE

0:34:070:34:09

Oh, thank you, I love you all so...

0:34:120:34:14

Merry Christmas. I love you all dearly, thank you.

0:34:140:34:17

Do you know, I'm worn out.

0:34:170:34:19

Do you know, my feet are killing...

0:34:190:34:20

I still haven't found that charm bracelet, anyway.

0:34:200:34:23

My feet... I'm glad they've shut this door.

0:34:240:34:26

The din in here's ridiculous. Anyway, my feet are killing me.

0:34:260:34:29

I'm telling you, nobody else will work Christmas Day.

0:34:290:34:31

You know, standing here all day, it's not fun, is it?

0:34:310:34:33

And they only got me because I work cheaper than Jack Warner.

0:34:330:34:36

But they're all having a right old knees-up in here, I can tell you,

0:34:360:34:39

they really are. I think Everard might be in there, I don't know.

0:34:390:34:42

Because I haven't seen him all Christmas.

0:34:420:34:43

Anyway, why don't we go inside and have a look?

0:34:430:34:47

AS TED HEATH: # We wish you a Merry Christmas

0:34:470:34:49

# We wish you a Merry Christmas

0:34:490:34:52

# We wish you a Merry Christmas

0:34:520:34:57

# And a Tory New Year. #

0:34:570:35:01

Hello. On behalf of the Conservatives, welcome to my party.

0:35:020:35:06

I will now leave you in the very capable hands of Jessie.

0:35:060:35:09

Thank you, Teddy. And you know, it's not everyone who is capable.

0:35:120:35:17

Yes, it reminds me, what time's Harold arriving?

0:35:170:35:20

I don't know, but I do know this -

0:35:230:35:25

that we now have a lovely young lady

0:35:250:35:27

who's going to answer some of your requests. Here she is - Madeleine.

0:35:270:35:32

Hello. And a special thank you

0:35:340:35:36

to all you men who sent me personal letters.

0:35:360:35:39

Which I shall be passing on to the police afterwards.

0:35:390:35:43

But we have had some song requests.

0:35:430:35:47

Yes. A Mrs Mary Whitehouse would like My Ding-A-Ling.

0:35:470:35:52

Princess Anne, a keen follower of Basil Brush,

0:35:530:35:56

would like Horsey, Horsey, Don't You Stop.

0:35:560:36:00

And that lovable little bear, Sooty,

0:36:020:36:05

has asked for a request for his friend Harry Corbett

0:36:050:36:08

entitled I've Got You Under My Skin.

0:36:080:36:11

But you're wasting your time,

0:36:120:36:14

because all old fumble fingers here can play is Chopsticks.

0:36:140:36:20

Well, good evening and welcome to the party.

0:36:200:36:22

Actually, I don't know why I've been invited here, because I don't know anybody.

0:36:220:36:25

I haven't met anybody yet that I know.

0:36:250:36:27

AS HAROLD WILSON: Oh, hello, Michael. You know me, don't you?

0:36:270:36:30

How's my act doing in the clubs?

0:36:300:36:31

Actually, Mary and I never miss you on the television.

0:36:330:36:35

Oh, very good, very good.

0:36:350:36:37

I'd just like to make one criticism, and I think I've said this before.

0:36:370:36:40

I said it at the Brighton conference.

0:36:400:36:41

You're doing far too much of Ted.

0:36:410:36:43

After all, he's quite capable of making a fool of himself

0:36:430:36:46

without your help. I think you should do more of me.

0:36:460:36:49

Well, I'll certainly bear that in mind, Mr Wilson,

0:36:490:36:51

thank you very much.

0:36:510:36:53

AS TED HEATH: Hello, Michael, me old shipmate!

0:36:530:36:56

Ah!

0:36:580:36:59

May I say, and I give you my word...

0:37:010:37:03

..I never miss your programme on television.

0:37:060:37:09

I really do enjoy it,

0:37:090:37:10

but I would like to give you a little bit of advice.

0:37:100:37:13

Not as your friend, but as your Prime Minister.

0:37:130:37:15

You're doing far too much of Harold.

0:37:150:37:17

You should do... You should do much more of me.

0:37:170:37:20

After all, what has Harold got?

0:37:200:37:21

Very little. I mean, it's the wave and the pipe and the "This will not

0:37:210:37:25

"affect the pound in your pocket," and he's finished.

0:37:250:37:27

I've only got to shake my shoulders and people fall about laughing.

0:37:290:37:32

You know? "Heh-heh-heh!" Really?

0:37:320:37:33

I'm more of a comedy character, rather like Harry Worth,

0:37:330:37:36

you know the sort of thing.

0:37:360:37:37

"My name is Edward Heath, I don't know why,

0:37:370:37:40

"but there it is. Ha-ha-ha!"

0:37:400:37:42

Well, I'll think about that, Mr Heath. Thank you so much, thank you.

0:37:440:37:47

AS FRANKIE HOWERD: What a funny fellow! Poor soul.

0:37:470:37:50

No, here, listen, no, don't titter, because you haven't been.

0:37:500:37:54

Listen.

0:37:540:37:55

No, it's nice to be here, though, it...

0:37:590:38:01

Oh, look, I recognise those feet over there.

0:38:010:38:04

Tell me, dear boy, do you think they'll be any...

0:38:080:38:11

Do you think there'll be any light refreshment at this confounded party?

0:38:150:38:19

AS CLEMENT FREUD: I'm terribly afraid there will.

0:38:190:38:21

In fact, I brought Henry especially.

0:38:230:38:26

I think the food is arriving now. Here's Mr Heath's housekeeper.

0:38:260:38:31

Grub up! Come and get it.

0:38:310:38:32

What an exquisite,

0:38:340:38:35

delectable appetising morsel of mouthwatering sustenance.

0:38:350:38:39

What is it, dear?

0:38:390:38:41

Gristles.

0:38:410:38:42

What'll it be for you, eh, Teddy boy?

0:38:430:38:45

Eh? A seabiscuit, a lump of salt pork, and a dollop of cabinet putting?

0:38:450:38:49

Oh, no, thank you, Hattie, I'm trying to watch my figure.

0:38:490:38:52

Make a change from watching mine.

0:38:520:38:54

Watching mine!

0:38:540:38:55

Good gracious me, look who's over there.

0:38:570:38:59

Now who in... Who invited George Brown?

0:38:590:39:03

Aren't you Jimmy Edwards?

0:39:030:39:06

Of course I'm not.

0:39:060:39:08

I'm Gerald Nabarro.

0:39:080:39:10

Well, it's an easy mistake to make.

0:39:100:39:12

After all, so many people look like Gerald Nabarro.

0:39:120:39:16

Look, I have to get back to the house.

0:39:180:39:20

Can I give you a lift?

0:39:200:39:21

Not if you're going a roundabout way.

0:39:210:39:24

All right, George, that's quite enough of that.

0:39:280:39:30

Now listen, everyone, I think we should have a little sing-along.

0:39:300:39:33

We've got Hattie here, and Jessie on the organ,

0:39:330:39:35

so let's have a nice old sing-along. When you're ready, Jessie.

0:39:350:39:38

One, two, three...

0:39:380:39:39

# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

0:39:390:39:43

# Oh what fun it is to ride on Morning Cloud all day

0:39:430:39:47

# Oh!

0:39:470:39:49

# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

0:39:490:39:52

# Oh what fun it is to see a MP squirm with Day

0:39:520:39:56

# As we going to see her

0:39:560:39:58

# Nodding sleepy heads

0:39:580:40:00

# Hang your stocking up

0:40:000:40:01

# Ah, hang 'em in a row

0:40:010:40:03

# Father Christmas bold will down a chimney come

0:40:030:40:07

# And then he'll take his whiskers off and get into bed with Mum

0:40:070:40:11

# Oh!

0:40:110:40:13

# Jingle bells, jingle bells Vote Tory every day

0:40:130:40:15

# And spend our final years on unemployment pay

0:40:150:40:20

# Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, the end is near, I fear... #

0:40:200:40:23

So, friends, we wish you a very happy Christmas and a very, very, very happy new year.

0:40:230:40:27

And I want to tell you, if you want to vote for us,

0:40:270:40:30

the name is Mike Yarwood and...

0:40:300:40:32

..Adrienne Posta.

0:40:320:40:33

So if you want to vote for us, we'd love to hear from you.

0:40:330:40:36

Goodnight, God bless.

0:40:360:40:37

# Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh. #

0:40:380:40:46

APPLAUSE

0:40:520:40:54

Well, I hope you're all enjoying yourselves.

0:40:570:41:00

We had our BBC staff party this morning.

0:41:000:41:03

You know, it was all knees up Mother Brown,

0:41:030:41:05

and funny hats and throwing streamers

0:41:050:41:08

and then somebody spoilt it all

0:41:080:41:10

by asking if there was anything to drink.

0:41:100:41:12

And a BBC official said they were very sorry,

0:41:120:41:15

but the old chap who looks after the drinks cabinet

0:41:150:41:18

had passed away last June.

0:41:180:41:20

And taken the key with him.

0:41:210:41:22

I don't suppose anybody really believed it but a few of us

0:41:240:41:27

held hands in a quiet corner and tried to get in touch with him.

0:41:270:41:31

Anyway...

0:41:310:41:33

Feel free, please. Anyway...

0:41:330:41:36

Anyway, the party broke up soon after that

0:41:360:41:38

when a member of the Light Entertainment Allotment Society said

0:41:380:41:42

that Joyce Grenfell had pulled a knife on him.

0:41:420:41:44

Of course, I shall have my own little family party tonight.

0:41:460:41:49

And of course, Grandfather will be there as always.

0:41:490:41:52

Marvellous old chap, you know.

0:41:520:41:53

You'd never think he was 104.

0:41:530:41:55

He looks much older.

0:41:550:41:57

He actually, dear Grandad, had a very quiet Christmas last year.

0:41:580:42:02

His hearing aid broke down.

0:42:020:42:03

Now, there is a man who knows what hard times are really like.

0:42:050:42:10

He really does. He was telling me that he never saw an orange until

0:42:100:42:14

he was six. Can you believe that?

0:42:140:42:16

Never saw an orange until he was six.

0:42:160:42:18

And he remembers at the age of five, sitting up in bed Christmas morning,

0:42:180:42:21

trying to peel a tennis ball.

0:42:210:42:23

Actually, it has been a very good year for myself and my family,

0:42:260:42:29

if I may be presumptuous enough to say that.

0:42:290:42:31

Since I have been, or it has been a very good year for my wife.

0:42:310:42:35

My wife, you know, my wife who is rather prone to unusual ailments.

0:42:350:42:38

You may remember she went down to the cellar for a bucket of coal

0:42:380:42:41

and came up too quickly and got the bends.

0:42:410:42:43

She's actually, she's actually very happy now because she has found

0:42:460:42:50

a new doctor. And although he hasn't cured her of anything as yet,

0:42:500:42:53

he's got her a picture on the centre page pull-out of this month's Lancet.

0:42:530:42:57

Case of the Month. Miss Ear, Nose and Throat.

0:42:580:43:01

It's not really right to laugh at somebody like that.

0:43:010:43:04

And I'm very glad you didn't.

0:43:040:43:06

LAUGHTER

0:43:060:43:08

It's getting a bit ridiculous, you know, her being a hycachondriac.

0:43:100:43:14

A hycho-pondriac.

0:43:140:43:15

A hy... Her being a hychopon...

0:43:150:43:17

There is such a word, you know, as hychopondriac.

0:43:170:43:20

There is such a word as hychopondriac.

0:43:200:43:22

Some people like to walk, some people like to hychopondriac.

0:43:220:43:25

Her being a hypochondriac, it is getting ridiculous.

0:43:250:43:29

Going to bed every night is like moving day at Timothy Whites.

0:43:290:43:31

She actually has an arrangement with the local hospital.

0:43:330:43:35

If she doesn't call them in the night, they call her.

0:43:350:43:38

And recently, she's been so worried about getting insomnia

0:43:390:43:43

that she can't sleep.

0:43:430:43:45

As I was saying, I am very grateful that, you know,

0:43:450:43:47

this has been a bit of a year for me with the pantomime, television,

0:43:470:43:50

things like that. I thought I was beginning to do rather well,

0:43:500:43:54

think my luck was changing when my parents changed their name back

0:43:540:43:57

to Corbett. The milkman offered me a ride in his cart.

0:43:570:44:01

Also, one of my little girls,

0:44:010:44:03

one of my little daughters, is getting star billing in the school

0:44:030:44:06

production of Julius Caesar.

0:44:060:44:08

And she's only the second standard-bearer.

0:44:080:44:10

So it does make a difference, you see.

0:44:110:44:13

That, and the fact that she's with my agent.

0:44:130:44:15

That I didn't know until the headmistress rang me up

0:44:170:44:20

and asked me what was meant by a percentage of the gross.

0:44:200:44:23

But what I actually came out here for,

0:44:250:44:27

in case you're beginning to wonder,

0:44:270:44:28

and I certainly am, was that...

0:44:280:44:32

was to propose a toast.

0:44:320:44:34

I won't actually drink any of this wine because it was made especially

0:44:340:44:38

for me by my wife's dear old mother.

0:44:380:44:41

And there is no known antidote.

0:44:410:44:42

So the toast is, to theatrical agents.

0:44:440:44:46

Now, you may... Now you may think that's a little bit odd.

0:44:460:44:50

But they do have a worrying time at Christmas. This is absolutely true.

0:44:500:44:53

Last year, my agent was looking after a very young actor who was

0:44:530:44:58

doing very, very well in a repertory company near Bristol.

0:44:580:45:01

About two months before Christmas,

0:45:010:45:04

the repertory company had to close down. Because business was bad.

0:45:040:45:07

Had to shut the theatre. So my agent said to him, "Don't worry,

0:45:070:45:09

don't get yourself in a state" - he had a family - "Don't worry."

0:45:090:45:12

He said, "I'll try and fix you up in a pantomime.

0:45:120:45:14

"I'll ask Freddie Hobson."

0:45:140:45:15

He was a chap who put on very small pantomimes all over the country.

0:45:150:45:18

Really small pantomimes.

0:45:180:45:20

Like Robin Hood And His Merry Man.

0:45:200:45:22

I said, "I'll ask him to pop into the theatre next week and see the show."

0:45:230:45:27

He said, "What part are you playing?"

0:45:270:45:28

The young lad said, "Well, it's going to be a bit awkward because next week

0:45:280:45:31

"I'm actually playing Hamlet."

0:45:310:45:33

The part of Hamlet. It's hardly like a pantomime.

0:45:330:45:35

"Never mind," said the agent.

0:45:350:45:36

"At least it'll give him an idea what you can do."

0:45:360:45:39

So, sure enough, next Thursday,

0:45:390:45:40

the young actor was in the dressing room getting his make-up on,

0:45:400:45:42

wondering how to make Hamlet sound a bit like a pantomime

0:45:420:45:45

when the stage manager rushed in and said, "Freddie Hobson's arrived,

0:45:450:45:48

"he's in his seat, so the best of luck."

0:45:480:45:49

So the play starts, you see, and just before his big soliloquy,

0:45:490:45:53

he has a brainwave. So he starts...

0:45:530:45:55

"To be, or not to be.

0:45:560:46:01

"That is the question.

0:46:010:46:04

"Oh, yes, it is!"

0:46:040:46:06

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh, no, it isn't!

0:46:060:46:08

APPLAUSE

0:46:120:46:13

Thank you.

0:46:180:46:19

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

0:46:210:46:23

Ladies and gentlemen, Cilla Black.

0:46:250:46:28

APPLAUSE

0:46:280:46:30

# First thought comes into my mind when I wake up

0:46:380:46:42

# Heaven knows what I would do if we ever should break up

0:46:450:46:50

# You're my whole world and I want you to know it

0:46:520:46:57

# I love you and I'm sure that it shows

0:46:570:47:00

# This is my chance and I'm not going to throw it away

0:47:000:47:06

# You, you, you do something to me

0:47:080:47:14

# You, you, you

0:47:140:47:17

# Your love runs through me

0:47:170:47:21

# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do

0:47:210:47:28

# Cos now and forever my life depends on you

0:47:280:47:34

# There was a time when I believed that I had no tomorrows

0:47:360:47:41

# I pretend that I was happy to hide all my sorrow

0:47:430:47:49

# But then you came, from that moment I knew it

0:47:500:47:54

# The bad times were behind me and through

0:47:540:47:58

# It is your love that has brought back the bright shining days

0:47:580:48:04

# You, you, you do something to me

0:48:060:48:12

# You, you, you

0:48:120:48:15

# Your love runs through me

0:48:150:48:19

# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do

0:48:190:48:26

# Cos now and forever my life depends on you

0:48:260:48:31

# You, you, you

0:48:310:48:33

# Do something to me

0:48:330:48:37

# You, you, you

0:48:370:48:39

# Your love runs through me

0:48:390:48:44

# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do

0:48:440:48:51

-# Cos now and forever

-Now and forever

0:48:510:48:55

-# Now and forever

-Now and forever

0:48:550:48:59

# Now and forever My life depends on you. #

0:48:590:49:06

APPLAUSE

0:49:060:49:08

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:49:110:49:14

There's your whisky, then. Was there something else?

0:49:180:49:21

-Yes, two bottles of gin, please.

-Oh, right.

0:49:210:49:23

Thank you. A bottle of brandy.

0:49:250:49:26

Six cans of lager.

0:49:300:49:31

Two quarts of light ale.

0:49:350:49:36

A flagon of cider.

0:49:400:49:41

A pipkin of Tia Maria.

0:49:450:49:46

Thank you.

0:49:500:49:52

Three quarts of Empire 45 port-type sherry.

0:49:520:49:54

A gallon can of Pernod.

0:49:570:49:59

Thank you.

0:50:010:50:02

A firkin of port.

0:50:020:50:03

Yeah. Two bottles of vodka.

0:50:060:50:09

A lot of Bols.

0:50:130:50:14

And a small stuffed olives, please.

0:50:190:50:21

-Thank you.

-Is that the lot, then?

0:50:240:50:25

Yes, that'll do for now, thank you.

0:50:250:50:27

Terrible rush, this Christmas lark, isn't it?

0:50:270:50:29

Yeah. If it wasn't for the kids, we wouldn't bother, you know.

0:50:290:50:32

Ladies and gentlemen, now it's Dad's Army.

0:50:410:50:44

Excuse me.

0:50:540:50:55

Excuse me.

0:50:560:50:58

Mr Mainwaring says he doesn't want the phone to ring

0:50:580:51:00

during the broadcast.

0:51:000:51:02

Open up.

0:51:040:51:05

Oh, happy Christmas, Mr Hodges.

0:51:080:51:10

And the same to you. What's going on here?

0:51:100:51:12

You can't come in and you mustn't make noises.

0:51:120:51:14

What's all this here?

0:51:150:51:16

Napoleon trying out a new secret weapon, is he?

0:51:160:51:19

-Why was the door locked?

-Don't you read the Radio Times?

0:51:190:51:21

I haven't got time to read all that rubbish, there's a war on.

0:51:210:51:24

We're taking part in the lunchtime Christmas Day programme.

0:51:240:51:27

To Absent Friends.

0:51:270:51:28

Soldiers all over the empire send their greetings.

0:51:280:51:31

Since when have you lot been soldiers?

0:51:310:51:34

We're doing the bit where it says, "Greetings from a Home Guard unit...

0:51:340:51:38

-WHISPERS:

-"Somewhere on the south coast of England."

0:51:380:51:42

We're doing the bit just before the King's speech.

0:51:420:51:44

Cor blimey, as if he hasn't got enough to put up with!

0:51:440:51:46

Dear, oh, Lord! Well, I shan't want to miss this.

0:51:460:51:49

I'll go and listen to it on the verger's wireless.

0:51:490:51:51

I'll bet you lot make a right mess of it. Dear, oh, dear!

0:51:510:51:53

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

0:51:550:51:56

I've taken the phone off the hook, Mr Mainwaring.

0:52:000:52:02

Good, good, good. We don't want any interruptions.

0:52:020:52:04

Are we, are we through to the producer in London?

0:52:060:52:08

Good morning, everyone.

0:52:090:52:10

My name is Willoughby Charlton Maxwell.

0:52:120:52:14

And I am your producer.

0:52:140:52:16

Now, this broadcast is to be heard all over the Empire.

0:52:160:52:20

And your section will come just before His Majesty the King's speech.

0:52:200:52:23

You hear that, Wilson?

0:52:230:52:26

Just before the King's speech. What an honour.

0:52:260:52:28

Yes, it is, indeed, it's awfully good, sir, yes.

0:52:280:52:30

Are your men all ready, Captain Mainwaring?

0:52:300:52:32

Yes, yes, we're all ready, thank you.

0:52:320:52:34

Would you mind speaking into the microphone, please?

0:52:340:52:36

That's the microphone, there, you see?

0:52:390:52:41

HE BLOWS

0:52:410:52:42

Don't do that!

0:52:470:52:48

Don't do that!

0:52:480:52:50

Don't do that, Jones.

0:52:500:52:51

Now, I'd like to try a voice test.

0:52:520:52:55

Will someone speak, please?

0:52:550:52:57

Er... You do it, Wilson.

0:52:570:52:59

-What shall I say?

-Don't ask me, ask him.

0:52:590:53:01

Right, sir. What shall I say?

0:53:010:53:02

-No, not there, here.

-That's the microphone.

0:53:020:53:05

Don't do that!

0:53:100:53:11

-Don't do that!

-Will you stop doing that?

0:53:110:53:14

What shall I say?

0:53:140:53:15

Oh, anything you like.

0:53:150:53:17

Try a nursery rhyme.

0:53:170:53:18

There was a young lady from Buckingham, whose idea...

0:53:180:53:20

Walker, Walker!

0:53:200:53:22

Right, carry on.

0:53:220:53:23

I'll do my best.

0:53:230:53:24

Lavender blue, dilly dilly.

0:53:260:53:28

Lavender green.

0:53:300:53:32

I'll be your king, dilly dilly.

0:53:320:53:34

If you'll be my queen.

0:53:360:53:37

-That was awfully good.

-Was it really?

0:53:390:53:41

-I'm so glad you liked it.

-You really have an excellent microphone voice.

0:53:420:53:45

-Oh, do you really think so?

-Have you ever done any of this sort of thing before?

-Well, as a matter of fact,

0:53:450:53:49

-I once played the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland when I was at school.

-Did you really?

0:53:490:53:53

-Yes.

-So did I.

0:53:530:53:54

-Did you, really?

-What school were you at?

0:53:540:53:56

-Well, as a matter of fact...

-Can we get on with this script, please?

0:53:560:53:59

Oh, Captain Mainwaring, I don't speak till page seven.

0:53:590:54:02

-Do you think I might...

-No, certainly not.

0:54:020:54:04

One more voice test, please.

0:54:040:54:06

I'd like to volunteer to be one more voice tester, please.

0:54:060:54:10

# Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron

0:54:100:54:13

# Oh, I won't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain

0:54:130:54:16

# Old iron, old iron

0:54:160:54:18

# Diddly diddly la la Diddly diddly la la

0:54:180:54:20

# Dum dum de da da Pum pum! #

0:54:200:54:21

I'm terribly sorry, engineer, I'll see that that doesn't happen again.

0:54:250:54:28

-Don't worry about that.

-Poem! Poem by Robert Burns.

0:54:280:54:31

Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,

0:54:310:54:33

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

0:54:330:54:34

Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle!

0:54:340:54:37

I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,

0:54:370:54:39

Wi' murdering pattle!

0:54:390:54:40

Was that nice and clear?

0:54:400:54:41

-Come on...

-There's seven more verses.

0:54:430:54:45

Never mind that. Get back in your place, Frazer.

0:54:450:54:47

Settle down. And let's start on the script, please.

0:54:470:54:50

I want you to read the lines in perfectly normal, natural voices.

0:54:500:54:55

Hello, soldiers of the Empire.

0:54:580:55:01

I'm a Home Guard commander in charge of a platoon somewhere on the south

0:55:020:55:07

-coast of England.

-And I am the Sergeant. I'm second-in-command.

0:55:070:55:12

And I am the Lance Corporal. I'm third in command.

0:55:120:55:15

Just a minute. Could the officer speak a little more clearly, please?

0:55:150:55:21

What's the matter, can't you understand what I'm saying?

0:55:240:55:27

The fact is, you don't sound very much like an officer.

0:55:270:55:30

Try and make your voice a little more officer-ish.

0:55:300:55:33

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

0:55:360:55:38

Our HQ is perched on the top of a windswept cliff

0:55:400:55:44

-looking out across the angry sea.

-Just a minute.

0:55:440:55:47

-Engineer.

-Yes, sir?

0:55:470:55:50

I shall want the sound effects in here.

0:55:500:55:51

Ah, yes.

0:55:510:55:53

Well, I...

0:55:530:55:54

I'm afraid that's going to be a bit difficult, sir.

0:55:540:55:57

Why?

0:55:570:55:59

I had a phone call from the sound effects chappies about half an hour ago.

0:55:590:56:03

And their van's broken down.

0:56:030:56:05

I don't think they're going to make it.

0:56:060:56:09

-But this is absurd.

-I know.

0:56:090:56:11

I must have the wind and water.

0:56:110:56:13

Captain Mainwaring, couldn't some of your men simulate them somehow?

0:56:130:56:17

Oh, I should think... I should think so, yes.

0:56:170:56:19

Captain Mainwaring,

0:56:190:56:21

I'd like to volunteer to stimulate the surge of the sounding sea.

0:56:210:56:24

HE MAKES SWISHING NOISES

0:56:270:56:29

That was awfully good.

0:56:350:56:37

-Oh, thank you, sir.

-Mr Mainwaring?

0:56:370:56:39

Could I do some seagulls, please?

0:56:390:56:41

HE IMITATES A SEAGULL

0:56:410:56:43

Captain Mainwaring? Shall I make wind?

0:56:500:56:53

Another remark like that, Walker, and I shall order you off the broadcast.

0:56:560:57:00

Start again, please.

0:57:000:57:02

With the sound effects.

0:57:020:57:04

Our HQ is perched on top of a windswept cliff

0:57:080:57:11

looking across the angry sea.

0:57:110:57:13

THEY PERFORM THE SOUND EFFECTS

0:57:130:57:15

And while you're eating your Christmas dinner, we are guarding...

0:57:160:57:19

A bit lower, a bit lower, Pike, a bit lower.

0:57:190:57:22

Not down there!

0:57:220:57:24

Lower your voice.

0:57:240:57:26

-Sorry.

-..from the ever-present threat across the Channel.

0:57:260:57:29

I decide that we don't just sit here,

0:57:290:57:31

it's time for us to go out on petrol.

0:57:310:57:33

On patrol, sir.

0:57:360:57:38

On patrol, I beg your pardon. Time for us to go out on patrol.

0:57:380:57:41

I speak to my sergeant.

0:57:410:57:43

Sergeant, it's time for us to go out on patrol.

0:57:430:57:45

Cor blimey, sir, so it is.

0:57:450:57:47

And it ain't half cold and all.

0:57:480:57:50

-What?

-Well, that's what it says here.

0:57:510:57:53

Corporal, it's time for us to go out on patrol.

0:57:550:57:58

Men, it's time for us to go out on patrol.

0:57:580:58:02

The men now realise that it is time for them to go...

0:58:020:58:04

Who wrote this rubbish?

0:58:040:58:06

-I did!

-Do be very careful what you say, sir, he can hear every word,

0:58:070:58:10

-you see.

-Come on, lads, we're going on patrol.

0:58:100:58:14

And in less time than it takes to tell,

0:58:140:58:16

the men are marching along the cliff top in the teeth of the biting wind.

0:58:160:58:19

Suddenly, one of them points and speaks.

0:58:190:58:21

What's that, Corp?

0:58:220:58:24

What's what?

0:58:240:58:25

Look, there's an object floating in the water.

0:58:260:58:29

Strewth, so there is and all.

0:58:290:58:31

Och, aye, the man's wrecked the noo, och aye.

0:58:330:58:37

..said Jock, our Scottish private.

0:58:390:58:41

All eyes peered out to sea.

0:58:440:58:46

What can it be? What can it be, Sarge?

0:58:460:58:49

Cor blimey, stone the crows.

0:58:490:58:51

It looks suspicious and all.

0:58:510:58:52

I'm terribly sorry, I don't want to be very awkward or difficult,

0:58:540:58:57

but this doesn't seem to be written in very good English to me.

0:58:570:58:59

It's not supposed to be good English.

0:58:590:59:01

It's supposed to be Cockney.

0:59:010:59:03

But you see, I don't speak with a Cockney accent.

0:59:030:59:05

Well, I naturally assumed that being a sergeant, you would.

0:59:050:59:07

But I don't, you see.

0:59:070:59:10

Oh, dear. Look, I know what.

0:59:100:59:12

How would it be if the sergeant played the part of the officer,

0:59:120:59:16

and the officer played the part of the sergeant?

0:59:160:59:19

Young man, I am the officer,

0:59:210:59:22

and he's the sergeant and it's staying that way.

0:59:220:59:25

Mr Mainwaring, I haven't got anything to say.

0:59:250:59:28

Is that cos I talk common, like you?

0:59:280:59:30

Just carry on being a seagull, Pike.

0:59:320:59:34

-Right, Jones.

-What can it be? What can it be, Sarge?

0:59:360:59:40

I have got an idea, sir.

0:59:400:59:41

If you keep me covered, I will shin down the cliff,

0:59:410:59:45

dodge between those boulders,

0:59:450:59:46

crawl under the barbed wire and out along the jetty

0:59:460:59:49

where I can get a closer dekko.

0:59:490:59:51

Then I will quickly shin back and give you the griff.

0:59:510:59:53

Wouldn't take two shakes of a lamb's tail.

0:59:530:59:55

Well, right, scarper down and take a quick butchers.

0:59:550:59:58

I am off.

0:59:580:59:59

Cor blimey, sir, look at the old goat go and all.

1:00:011:00:05

Och aye, he's lapping like a wee mountain lamby.

1:00:051:00:09

Lamby?

1:00:091:00:10

I decided to take no chances.

1:00:101:00:12

-Tell the men to get undercover, Sergeant.

-Right, guvnah.

1:00:121:00:15

Here, Corp, tell the men to get their flipping heads down.

1:00:151:00:18

-You did well.

-Jones?

1:00:181:00:20

-Where are we?

-Page five.

1:00:211:00:23

Oh, right. Tickay-tie-B-O, Sarge.

1:00:231:00:27

Tickay-tie-B-O?

1:00:271:00:29

Just a minute, what the... Tickety-boo, tickety-boo.

1:00:291:00:32

Tickety-boo, Sarge.

1:00:341:00:36

You heard what the Sarge said.

1:00:361:00:38

-Take cover.

-The men moved like a smooth, well-oiled machine.

1:00:381:00:42

Suddenly, above the sound of the surf,

1:00:421:00:45

we heard the faint cry of Godfrey's voice.

1:00:451:00:47

All clear!

1:00:471:00:48

We heaved a deep sigh of relief.

1:00:501:00:51

ALL SIGH DEEPLY

1:00:511:00:53

All right, all right, all right.

1:00:531:00:55

It was a false alarm but it could have been a Nazi submarine.

1:00:551:00:58

So give us a thought as you're tucking into your Christmas dinners.

1:00:581:01:01

Think of us, the men of Britain's Home Guard,

1:01:011:01:04

who are on constant watch day and night.

1:01:041:01:07

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE NOISILY

1:01:071:01:09

Simple men, shopkeepers, factory workers, butchers, bakers.

1:01:111:01:15

And undertakers.

1:01:151:01:16

James Frazer, 91 High Street Walmington-on-Sea...

1:01:161:01:18

All right,

1:01:181:01:20

-that will do.

-Plumes extra.

1:01:201:01:22

Be quiet.

1:01:221:01:24

Men from all walks of life.

1:01:241:01:25

We seek no reward, we only do our duty,

1:01:251:01:28

content in the knowledge that our children and our children's children

1:01:281:01:32

will grow up to be free men and women.

1:01:321:01:35

-And children.

-And children.

1:01:351:01:37

Christmas greetings and good wishes

1:01:391:01:42

to and from British citizens wherever they may be.

1:01:421:01:46

We give you the toast, Absent Friends.

1:01:461:01:49

# God rest you, merry gentlemen

1:01:491:01:52

# Let nothing you dismay... #

1:01:521:01:55

Here, it's getting a bit late, isn't it, sir?

1:01:571:02:00

Yes, it is. We ought to be on the air by now.

1:02:001:02:04

-What's happened?

-I can't quite make it out.

1:02:041:02:07

Nothing's coming through.

1:02:071:02:08

But don't worry. I'm just waiting for the stand-by light.

1:02:081:02:12

Should be through at any moment.

1:02:121:02:13

Just think, Mr Mainwaring.

1:02:131:02:15

You'll be the last one to speak before the King.

1:02:151:02:17

Do you think he'll be listening?

1:02:171:02:19

Oh, yes, yes, undoubtedly.

1:02:191:02:21

And the Queen. And Princess Elizabeth.

1:02:211:02:23

And Princess Margaret Rose.

1:02:231:02:24

God bless them.

1:02:241:02:25

# We're going to hang our shopping on the... #

1:02:251:02:28

ALL: Ssh, ssh, ssh!

1:02:281:02:30

-What happened to you lot, then?

-Quiet, will you? We're just about to go on the air.

1:02:301:02:33

What you talking about? It's all over. I've just been listening to the King's speech on the wireless.

1:02:331:02:37

-Old Mother Riley's Christmas party's on now.

-Old Mother Riley?

-Yeah.

1:02:371:02:40

Awfully sorry, chaps.

1:02:401:02:41

Hong Kong overran.

1:02:411:02:43

Had to cut you out.

1:02:431:02:44

We couldn't keep His Majesty waiting.

1:02:441:02:46

That's nice, isn't it?

1:02:461:02:48

What have they been doing all this time, then?

1:02:481:02:51

Something I want to say...

1:02:511:02:52

And I want you to listen very carefully.

1:02:541:02:56

-Are you listening?

-Yes, I'm here.

1:02:571:02:59

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

1:02:591:03:00

DOORBELL RINGS

1:03:081:03:09

HE SNORES

1:03:301:03:32

Good morning, sir. Merry Christmas.

1:03:421:03:44

-What?

-Merry Christmas, sir, a very merry Christmas.

1:03:471:03:51

Thank you very much, same to you.

1:03:511:03:52

I was just passing by, I thought I'd pop in to wish you a very merry,

1:03:521:03:55

-merry Christmas sir.

-Thank you very much indeed, yes.

1:03:551:03:58

A really, really happy Christmas.

1:03:581:03:59

Yes, thanks a lot, thanks a lot.

1:03:591:04:01

Very happy indeed. And a very prosperous New Year,

1:04:011:04:04

free from all economic pressures.

1:04:041:04:06

Rather, rather, yes, thank you, yes.

1:04:061:04:07

But above all a very, very happy Christmas with many,

1:04:071:04:10

-many Christmas gifts.

-Yeah, thank you very much.

1:04:101:04:12

-Goodbye.

-Happy Christmas.

1:04:121:04:14

Oh, dear.

1:04:141:04:15

DOORBELL RINGS

1:04:221:04:23

-Hello!

-Hello.

1:04:341:04:35

I just wanted you to know that everything I said earlier about

1:04:361:04:39

having a happy Christmas still stands.

1:04:391:04:41

Thank you very, very much indeed.

1:04:411:04:43

I hope you have a very happy Christmas as well.

1:04:431:04:45

You know, I'm really worried about you having a happy Christmas.

1:04:451:04:48

I quite appreciate that, my dear man. But...

1:04:481:04:51

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

1:04:531:04:55

M-merry Christmas...

1:04:561:04:58

Well, I suppose I better be getting on with work.

1:04:581:05:00

Got a lot of work to do this morning with my bottles on this cold morning,

1:05:001:05:03

I just wanted to make sure that you were going to have a very happy Christmas.

1:05:031:05:06

Thank you very much indeed.

1:05:061:05:08

Goodbye!

1:05:081:05:09

HE GROANS

1:05:131:05:14

Look, matey, we want you to have a happy Christmas,

1:05:181:05:20

do you understand that?

1:05:201:05:22

CLATTERING

1:05:221:05:23

We don't want you sitting on broken chairs

1:05:231:05:26

watching a half-burned-down Christmas tree.

1:05:261:05:28

Eating your turkey dinner off a copy of the Radio Times.

1:05:281:05:33

Listening to the radio cos you haven't got a television.

1:05:331:05:35

We have got a television.

1:05:351:05:37

SMASHING

1:05:371:05:38

Cos you haven't got a television.

1:05:381:05:40

We want you to have a happier Christmas than that, mate.

1:05:421:05:44

All right, all right, all right, what do you want?

1:05:441:05:46

Well, it's up to you, sir, whatever you think I'm worth.

1:05:461:05:49

Just tell me what you want.

1:05:491:05:50

Well, it's usually 50p or a packet of cigarettes.

1:05:501:05:53

Cigarettes? There's some in the cupboard over there.

1:05:531:05:55

Thank you.

1:05:551:05:56

Yes, that's the one, yes.

1:05:581:06:00

Here we are, here we are.

1:06:011:06:02

-Take this.

-Just two packets?

1:06:021:06:04

-There's 200 in there, you can take them, take them all.

-I only want 20.

1:06:041:06:07

-I don't want to appear too greedy.

-No, take them, they're yours.

1:06:071:06:09

He don't want them all!

1:06:091:06:11

-Doesn't he want them all?

-No.

1:06:111:06:12

All right. There we are.

1:06:121:06:14

Take two packets...

1:06:141:06:15

Not two - one!

1:06:171:06:19

One, yes, there we are, one.

1:06:191:06:21

Thank you very much, sir. Happy Christmas, sir.

1:06:211:06:24

-Happy Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

1:06:241:06:26

Happy Christmas.

1:06:261:06:27

-Yes.

-Merry Christmas.

1:06:271:06:30

Merry Christmas.

1:06:301:06:31

-Who was that, dear?

-Oh, it's all right, it's all right, dear.

1:06:361:06:40

It's just the milkman.

1:06:401:06:42

Come for his Christmas box.

1:06:421:06:43

Oh, yes, I left a pound on the hall table.

1:06:431:06:46

No, it's all right, I fobbed him off with a packet of cigarettes.

1:06:461:06:49

# Away in a manger

1:06:571:07:02

# No crib for a bed

1:07:021:07:07

# The little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head

1:07:071:07:16

# The stars in the bright sky

1:07:161:07:23

# Looked down where he lay

1:07:231:07:27

# The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay

1:07:271:07:40

# Long time ago in Bethlehem

1:07:511:07:55

# So the Holy Bible says

1:07:561:08:00

# Mary's boy child Jesus Christ

1:08:021:08:05

# Was born on Christmas Day

1:08:051:08:09

# Hark now hear the angels sing

1:08:111:08:15

# A new king born today

1:08:151:08:19

# And man will live for evermore

1:08:191:08:23

# Because of Christmas Day

1:08:231:08:28

# While shepherds watched their flocks by night

1:08:341:08:38

# Them see a bright new star

1:08:381:08:42

# Them hear a choir sing

1:08:421:08:47

# The music seemed to come from afar

1:08:471:08:51

# Now Joseph and his wife Mary

1:08:541:08:56

# Come to Bethlehem that night

1:08:561:09:00

# Them find no place to born she child

1:09:011:09:05

# Not a single room was in sight

1:09:051:09:09

# Trumpets sound and angels sing

1:09:111:09:15

# Listen to what they say

1:09:151:09:19

# That man will live forever more

1:09:191:09:23

# Because of Christmas Day

1:09:231:09:28

# By and by they find a little nook

1:09:341:09:38

# In a stable all forlorn

1:09:381:09:42

# And in a manger cold and dark

1:09:421:09:47

# Mary's little boy was born

1:09:471:09:51

# Long time ago in Bethlehem

1:09:531:09:56

# So the Holy Bible says

1:09:571:10:00

# Mary's boy child Jesus Christ

1:10:021:10:05

# Was born on Christmas Day

1:10:051:10:10

# Hark now hear the angels sing

1:10:111:10:15

# A new king born today

1:10:151:10:19

# And man will live for evermore

1:10:191:10:24

# Because of Christmas Day

1:10:241:10:29

# Hark now hear the angels sing

1:10:291:10:34

# A new king born today

1:10:341:10:38

# And man will live for evermore

1:10:381:10:43

# Because of Christmas Day

1:10:431:10:48

# That man will live for evermore

1:10:491:10:55

# Because of Christmas Day. #

1:10:551:11:06

APPLAUSE

1:11:131:11:15

Well, that brings us to the end of the show

1:11:161:11:18

but there are one or two items of late news.

1:11:181:11:21

Mr Heath said in a message to the nation tonight that he is

1:11:211:11:25

still hoping for a settlement in the Cod War.

1:11:251:11:28

He said, "I think we would all like to start the New Year with a solid

1:11:281:11:31

"and worthwhile cod peace."

1:11:311:11:33

The police were victims of a hoax today.

1:11:351:11:38

It happened on the A1 about two miles from Three Bridges at four o'clock,

1:11:381:11:42

when five men who were all at sixes and sevens

1:11:421:11:44

due to being one over the eight

1:11:441:11:46

had dialled 999 and demanded ten cups of cocoa for their elevenses.

1:11:461:11:49

A mathematician is helping the police with their enquiries.

1:11:501:11:54

In Sunderland tonight,

1:11:541:11:55

a bulletin was issued about the man who swallowed an eight-day clock

1:11:551:11:59

on Tuesday. His condition is still giving cause for alarm

1:11:591:12:03

at 7.15 every morning.

1:12:031:12:04

And a special BBC team have been out today, asking famous sportsmen

1:12:061:12:09

what they got for Christmas.

1:12:091:12:11

Ralph Coates said coats.

1:12:111:12:13

Sir Alec Rose said roses.

1:12:131:12:15

And David Broome said brooms.

1:12:151:12:17

Alan Ball was also asked...

1:12:171:12:19

..but he declined to comment.

1:12:211:12:24

A 24-year-old turkey breeder had an unfortunate accident yesterday when

1:12:241:12:29

he fell off the back of his lorry at Smithfield market.

1:12:291:12:32

Within three minutes, he was trussed,

1:12:321:12:34

stuffed and sold as oven-ready.

1:12:341:12:36

And now, it's a merry Christmas from me.

1:12:361:12:38

-And it's a happy New Year from him. Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

1:12:381:12:41

APPLAUSE

1:12:411:12:43

Ronnie Corbett and Ronnie Barker host a seasonal variety programme, first broadcast on 25 December 1972. With stars including Lulu and Cilla Black, comedy sketches from The Goodies, The Liver Birds, Mike Yarwood and Dad's Army.


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