1972 Christmas Night with the Stars

APPLAUSE

Good evening. We hope you're all having an absolutely wonderful Christmas.

We've got a marvellous show for you.

There's the Kirov State Ballet, the Moscow State Circus,

the Ukrainian State Dancers, the Leningrad Philharmonic Orchestra,

and the Massed Bands of the Red Army.

And as an encore, we'll be declaring war on Europe.

LAUGHTER

And for those of you who like a bit of peace and quiet,

we've got the massed choirs of the Noise Abatement Society singing Silent Night.

But first, the news.

The BBC announced today that there will be a special fortnight

of special programmes in November to mark the first anniversary

of its 50th anniversary.

LAUGHTER

In the Commons yesterday,

Mr Willie Hamilton held up a piece of mistletoe

and said the price was a disgrace.

226 members shouted, "Shame".

193 shouted, "Hear, hear".

And 12 kissed him.

LAUGHTER

And the Croydon girl who had her clothes torn off

during a bring and buy sale in a church hall

arrived home last night suffering from shock.

Her father, an upholsterer, rushed her to his workshop,

and today she is reported to be fully recovered.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

The governor... The governor of Parkhurst has announced that

five maximum-security prisoners today sat down to a Christmas dinner

of turkey, stuffing,

roast potatoes, Brussels sprouts and Christmas pudding with brandy sauce.

However, efforts to recapture them are still going on.

LAUGHTER

And shooting on Ken Russell's new film, a musical film,

A Night On A Bare Mountain,

was held up last week when Sir Rafe Richardson walked out

after Mrs Mills had refused to take her clothes off.

As a special Christmas goodwill gesture,

a well-known British petrol firm is offering an extended-play gramophone record

of American Indian ghost stories for only three new pence.

Just ask for the BP 3p Creepy Tepee EP.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

We've been asked to make a special Christmas appeal on behalf of

the Society for the Prevention of Rudeness on Envelopes.

If you're opposed to rudeness on envelopes,

send your money to this address -

Pull Your Knickers Down, Bristol FA3.

LAUGHTER

Here is a police warning.

A consignment of talcum powder sold last week in the central London area

contained baking powder by mistake.

People who purchased the product are warned

not to sit too close to the fire or they may break out in biscuits.

LAUGHTER

While at a London store,

a sandwich board man stopped work as a protest yesterday after he heard

that the store's Father Christmas had been given the sack.

After it had been explained to him that the Christmas...

Father Christmas had to have the sack before he could start work,

the sandwich man was given his notice.

This, in turn, angered the Father Christmas until it was explained

that the sandwich man had to have his notice to carry round the streets.

Afterwards, the Father Christmas agreed to take the sack

providing he wasn't given his notice

and the sandwich man agreed to carry his notice

provided he wasn't given the sack.

The solution to this item will be given later in the programme.

LAUGHTER

But first, a sketch starring Mr Ronnie Corbett,

who is now appearing in Aladdin And His Wonderful Lamp,

playing the part of the wick.

And Mr Ronnie Barker, who is now appearing in Robin Hood,

playing the part of Sherwood Forest.

So let's now consider the state of the party.

EASY LISTENING MUSIC

-Hello.

-Hello.

What do you do?

I run like hell.

No, I mean for a living.

Oh, I'm sorry, I thought you meant

what do I do when I'm attacked by a giant vampire bat,

with great black flapping wings, screeching and tearing at my throat.

No, no, no, I just meant for a job, you know?

Oh, sorry - I'm a solicitor.

Oh. That's very interesting.

Interesting? It's appalling!

It's the most hideous, terrifying death in the world.

No, I mean being a solicitor.

Oh, sorry, I thought you meant being left in the graveyard

when the vampire bats attack you, flying out of the white moon,

screeching and tearing at your throat.

No, no, no, I just meant, is it interesting being a solicitor?

Well, yes, in a way, you know.

I...I had an uncle who was one once.

God, no. Did they have to drive a stake through his heart?

No, no, no.

LAUGHTER

No, he was a solicitor.

Oh, not a vampire?

No.

Oh, well, in that case they wouldn't want to drive a stake through his heart, would they?

No, definitely not, no.

Would you, would you like another one?

God, no, not another one. One's enough, tearing at my throat!

Another one would go for my eyes as well.

I mean, I mean, would you like another drink?

Oh! Oh, yes, yes, yes, I would.

You would? You would what?

I would like another drink.

-Oh, I see. For a minute, I thought you meant you would have left him lying there in a pool of blood.

-No.

Without any attempt to cover up the body at all.

No, I just meant I wanted some more.

YOU wanted some more? I wanted some more.

Everybody wanted some more - the whole family, but he was a solicitor, you see.

-No, no, more Scotch.

-More S...? No, no, Welsh.

Welsh. Little Welsh...

God, we hated him, hated him.

-No water.

-No water, no. I had to use old newspaper to mop the blood up.

It was all over the floor and it was all over the ceiling.

And there was this little Welsh solicitor lying there with a stake through his heart.

I don't... I don't really have nightmares about vampires.

I had to do it, you see - you do understand that, don't you?

I had to do it, I had to.

Oh, God! The blood, the horror.

I was just saying that about vampires to...

to, to make conversation.

Yes, that's all I do it for. Parties get so boring otherwise, don't they?

-Oh, yes.

-Are you married?

-Yes, I am...

APPLAUSE

Later in the show...

Later in the show, we'll be speaking to a Norwich vet

who has crossed a giraffe with an Alsatian

and got a dog that barks at low-flying aircraft.

But first, it's time for some music.

Some years ago,

a young girl came down from Scotland to London

in search of fame and fortune.

At the age of 16, she made her first record, and at the age of 17,

she made her first tour of America.

You all know who she is today -

Jessie McGonagall.

But who wants to listen to her?

We'd... We'd much rather hear from Lulu and The Young Generation.

APPLAUSE

# Shout, shout, shout, shout

-# Shout

-Yeah

-# Shout

-Yeah

-# Shout,

-yeah,

-shout,

-yeah,

-shout,

-yeah,

-shout,

-yeah

# Shout now, everybody shout now

# Shout out, everybody shout now

# We're gonna shout right now

# Shout out, oh, Lulu, shout out

# Hey, Lulu, shout, shout, shout

# Hey, shout out for Lulu

# Lulu! #

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: To My Father's House

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# There'll be no crying there

# There'll be no dying there

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# There'll be no crying there, there'll be no dying there

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# In my father's house, there are so many mansions there

# If that were not true, you know that I would have told you so

# I'm going to prepare a place for you

# If ever I go, you could come there too

# Come on and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# There'll be no crying there

# There'll be no dying there

# Yeah, there'll be no dying

# Come and go with me

# To my father's house, to my father's house

# In my father's house, there are so many mansions there

# If that were not true

# You know that I would have told you so

# I'm going to prepare a place for you

# Wherever I go, you could come there too

# Come on and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# There'll be no crying there

# There'll be no crying

# There'll be no dying there

# And there's no dying

# To my father's house

# To my father's house

# There are many mansions there

# Mansions

# Tell you what I'll do

# Tell you what I'll do

# I could have told you so

# Yes, I could have told you so

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come on, go with me

# You gotta go with me

# Go with me

# Come on and go with me

# Go with me

# I said go with me, yeah

# Go with me

# Come on, go with me, yeah

# Go with me

# Yeah, go with me

# Go with me

# Come on, go with me, yeah

# Come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Yeah, come and go with me to my father's house, to my father's house

# Come and go with me to my father's house

# To my father's

# House

# Ye-eah. #

APPLAUSE

MUSIC: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen

BICYCLE BELL TINKLES AND HORN HONKS

CHEERFUL KAZOO THEME

# Silent night, holy night, all is calm, all is bright... #

Whoa!

# We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts we traverse afar

# Field and fountain, moor and mountain, following yonder star

# While shepherds watch their flock by night

# All seated on the ground... #

SHEEP BAAS

# We three kings of Orient are, bearing gifts... #

LAUGHTER

BELL RINGS

# Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven the bells are ringing

# Ding dong verily the sky... #

LAUGHTER

HE SCAT SINGS

BELL DONGS

HE SHOUTS

SHE GIGGLES

SHE SQUEALS

LAUGHTER

CLANG!

HIGH-PITCHED MUTTERING

Eh? Wha? Eh?

Argh! Argh!

Ooh!

Argh!

Ooh!

HE CACKLES

HE LAUGHS AND SHE SQUEALS

ALARM RINGS

HORN HONKS

GONG CLASHES

FLAPPING

HE CACKLES

CLUCKING

GUNSHOT

CRASH!

BURP!

INAUDIBLE SPEECH

HE STRAINS

HE CACKLES

HONKING

-Come on, hurry up!

-No, I'm still changing.

I'm still changing! I've got a fag...

DING!

# Goodies! Goody goody yum yum. #

Here are two news items that have just come in.

The Archbishop of Canterbury

gave a special Christmas address this evening.

It's 27 Stuffing Road, Turkey.

And a thief broke into the home of Mr Bruce Forsyth last week.

The burglar alarm went off after 45 seconds

during which time the man got away

with a toast rack, an umbrella stand, a fluffy dog, a camera,

one of those things you put cakes on that folds up,

a bottle of champagne,

a magazine rack, set of matching luggage,

ladies' nightdress and a pair of wellington boots.

Bruce Forsyth, when asked to comment, said, "Didn't he do well?"

And now,

and now two young ladies who have also done very well.

Ladies and gentlemen, the Liver Birds.

# All things bright and beautiful

# All creatures great and small

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all... #

Switch it off, Sand.

I cooked most of the food, why can't you switch it off?

Cos I ate most of the food.

All right.

MUSIC STOPS

Sand, do you mind?

My paper hat'll be round me waist.

Sorry, Beryl, my legs aren't used to carrying

more than a cheese sandwich.

Oh, well, I'm glad yesterday's over anyway. I hate Christmas Day.

It makes me feel very sad.

Oh, Sandra, now, come on, it's supposed to be the festive season,

you're supposed to be joyful and happy and gay and...

..sick.

I don't know why it is but I can't stop thinking about poor people.

And hungry children.

And dead turkeys.

Oh, my God, we're not going to have three minutes' silence for the contents of our stomach, are we?

Well, it is rather cruel, isn't it, Beryl?

I mean, look at the state of that poor thing.

Well, it's its destiny, isn't it?

I mean, we've all got to die sometimes.

It's just that some of us go in black cars surrounded by flowers

and some of us go in roasting tins surrounded by spuds.

You're right, Beryl. Do you know, sometimes, you're very philosophical.

Now you're waiting for me to ask you what that word means, aren't you?

No. No, I do credit you with a little intelligence.

Yes, well, don't overdo it.

What does it mean?

It means that you ruminate, you speculate, you perpend.

My God, ask a silly question, you get three silly answers.

Oh, well, if we're going to that party tonight,

perhaps we better start tidying up.

Right.

I'm glad that's done.

-It's amazing how you can get through your housework if you put your mind to it.

-Yeah.

What was it like at home yesterday?

Oh, the usual hilarious Hennessey Christmas.

Me dad spent all breakfast toasting everybody's health

and then collapsed. And me mam was so busy cooking everything,

I was afraid to turn round in case she slapped tinfoil on me dad.

My father sulked all day because

Mummy made him wear that velvet smoking jacket she bought him,

then she wouldn't let him smoke in case he dropped ash on it.

And then we had the annual family mutiny.

Our Gloria and me mam versus Ernie and me dad.

Me mam reminded me dad that she'd had 28 Christmases with him.

Our Gloria reminded Ernie that she'd had two with him.

The only thing they agreed upon was they'd had 30 lousy Christmases.

Mummy thinks quarrelling is undignified.

Aye, I thought the word dignity would come into it somewhere.

Does she knit knickers for your turkey?

No, but she knitted a white sweater for Daddy.

It was miles too big, he looked like a marquee.

My mam and dad don't bother giving presents, they just swap fivers.

Hey, did you listen to the Queen's Speech?

Oh, of course we did.

Mam puts her hat on for that.

Oh, well. It's over.

We've been home, we've done our duty.

Well, when I said we've done our duty, I don't mean...

Well, I like going home.

It's nice, isn't it?

Well, it's family and togetherness,

and it reminds you of how things used to be.

It reminds you of why you left in the first place.

You know, Beryl, I think you can tell a person's intentions

-by the sort of presents they buy you.

-What do you mean?

Well, my theory is that this bracelet my Paul bought me

is symbolic of handcuffs, which means he loves me

and secretly wants to be bound to me.

What does half a dozen bath cubes mean?

It means that secretly someone wants to make love to you in a bath.

Why, who gave them to you?

Your Paul.

Every fella I know gave me half a dozen bath cubes.

I could build a block of flats with them.

Let's face it, Sand.

Anything will do for me.

Oh, be fair, Beryl.

That's a lovely clock your Brian bought you.

Yes, well, if your theories are right,

it means he wants to make love to me on the mantelpiece.

So, if everybody keeps their promises,

I'll spend half my life wet through

and the other half on the mantelpiece drying out.

I think these are gorgeous.

Yes, they are. Trust you to get a pair.

I had to get an all-in-one.

It's nice, Beryl.

Nice? At least you can walk round in yours.

I'd have to be a bloody kangaroo to go anywhere in this.

I can't quite get the hang of that electric toothbrush your Gloria gave me.

I plugged it in, switched it on and the next thing I knew,

it had leapt down the lav.

You're supposed to keep hold of it, you daft thing.

Have you tried yours yet?

Of course I have, it's easy.

And how do your teeth feel?

Loose.

Oh, well. Never mind.

We can always use them for cleaning our suede boots with.

That's a good idea.

You know, Beryl, I'll never forget the look

on Mummy's and Daddy's faces when I gave them that little puppy.

Little puppy? It took two of us to drag that thing

out of that dogs' home.

Wish we could have bought them all, really.

Oh, one was enough. We had to cordon off the Christmas tree as it was.

It only did it once, Beryl.

Once? All the time it was here, its back leg never touched the ground.

What did your mum and dad think of the liquidiser you gave them?

They thought it was a reading lamp.

Ah, but they were so chuffed.

Do you know, I could have cried.

Do you know, Beryl, that's exactly how I feel.

Parents are funny, aren't they?

Yeah.

You always mean to tell them how much you love them but you can never

get round to it somehow.

-I wonder why.

-I don't know.

I will one day when me mam pauses long enough.

Tell you what, Beryl,

let's tell them the next time we see them, shall we?

Yeah, all right, yeah.

After all, we didn't leave home because we didn't love them, did we?

No, we left home because we couldn't stand them.

Oh, God, what shall we do with that?

I'm sick of the sight of that thing.

Let's throw it out for the birds.

You can't do that, Beryl.

It's one of its own species.

It would be like giving pork sausage to a pig.

We'll put it on the windowsill, happen it'll fly away.

-Are you in there, Beryl?

-Oh, my God, it's me mam.

Beryl!

I wonder what she wants.

-Beryl!

-Try a tonsillectomy.

My God! What a day I've had, what a day.

I don't know where to start.

Happy Christmas, love. I told him, leave it alone, I said.

But he never takes a blind bit of notice.

It's like talking to a plastic duck.

-What's the matter, Mam?

-You know the liquidiser you bought us?

-Yes.

-Your dad's liquidised two of his fingers.

-Oh, no.

-Do you want a sip of sherry, Mrs Hennessey?

-Oh, no, thank you, love.

-Is he all right?

-Oh, yeah, he's all right,

he's down at the hospital waiting to be stitched.

Supposed to be his good hand and all

so God knows what he's going to throw his darts with now.

Do you know, if someone were to dip his darts into poison,

the whole of Bootle could be wiped out in one night.

-Have some sherry, Mrs Hennessey?

-Well...

All right, then, but just the one, mind.

He's coming down later with the other so I thought we'd have tea with you.

It's all the same, we can have just as good a row down here.

-All of you?!

-No, not all of us.

Just me and your dad, and Ern and our Gloria and the baby and your Uncle Dermot.

You don't mind us being here, do you, queen?

-Well...

-No, I thought you wouldn't.

It's quite funny, really.

Beryl and I were just saying

how nice it was being at home yesterday.

-We were just saying how nice it was being here together.

-Sandra!

Sandra! Darling.

BOTH: With our families.

Oh, Sandra, I would've telephoned, but I've been in such a frenzy,

that wretched animal, I can't tell you, I just can't tell you,

that creature, that monster!

It absconded with the turkey.

Oh, hello, Mrs Hennessey.

-Happy Christmas.

-Likewise, I'm sure.

I was just saying, our dog absconded with...it nicked the turkey.

I was just saying that our liquidiser had nicked two of her dad's fingers.

Oh, dear. I hope nobody bought him gloves for Christmas.

Have a slurp, Mrs Hutch.

Thank you, dear. What a pretty vase.

We looked for that creature high and low and when we finally found him

there was nothing left but a ball of stuffing. It was revolting.

-Who's she talking about now, the dog or her husband?

-Ssh!

-Where's Daddy?

-He's taken the thing for a walk.

He'll be as back as soon as it's been sick.

-He won't come here?

-You don't mind, do you, darling?

I thought we could all have a lovely tea together.

After a couple of these, we won't notice the company.

Hey, now, look here...

The trouble is, you see... Well, we haven't got any food left.

Yes, we're going to a party.

By the way, Mrs Hennessey, thank you for your Christmas card.

You know, they're really quite good value, aren't they,

those cheap bumper packs?

We got yours and all. It's at the Walker Art Gallery being valued.

-I always buy...

-Sand!

Listen, you know what you said about telling your mum that you loved her?

-Yes.

-Let's wait until next year.

Oh, yes.

-Ah, there's our baby!

-BABY CRIES

"After a few of these we won't notice the company."

Yeah, quite!

# All things wise and wonderful

# The Lord God made them all. #

MUSIC: Burning Love

# Lord Almighty, I feel my temperature rising

# Higher higher

# It's burning through to my soul

# Girl, girl, girl

# You're gonna set me on fire

# My brain is flaming

# I don't know which way to go

# Your kisses lift me higher

# Like the sweet song of a choir

# You light my morning sky

# With burning love

# Ooh, ooh, ooh

# I feel my temperature rising

# Help me, I'm flaming, I must be a hundred and nine

# Burning, burning, burning

# And nothing can cool me

# I might just turn to smoke

# But I feel fine

# Your kisses life me higher

# Like the sweet song of a choir

# And you light my morning sky

# With burning love

# Ah, ah, ah

# Ah, ah, ah

# Ah, ah, ah

# Burning love

# It's coming closer

# The flames are now licking my body

# Won't you help me?

# I feel like I'm slipping away

# It's hard to breathe

# My chest is a-heaving

# Lord have mercy

# I'm burning a hole where I lay

# Your kisses lift me higher

# Like the sweet song of a choir

# You light my morning sky

# With burning love

# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love

# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love

# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love

# I've got a hunk, a hunk of burning love

# Burning love. #

APPLAUSE

Have you had a good Christmas, Ronnie?

Oh, yes, yes, it's been all bunting and frolics.

I was advised not to drink before saying that.

Jolly good jib I dodn't, really.

Well, we've had a very nice day.

We've had paper chains everywhere all over the house.

Every time we open the front door, the toilet flushes.

And there were lots of marvellous presents around this year.

I gave my wife a pair of ankle warmers.

Knickers without elastic.

Yes, I gave my wife...wife a joke like that, yes.

I'll say that again. I gave my wife a joke like that.

A pair of run-resistant tights.

The legs are tied together.

It works, it works!

But one of the best presents I got this year was this one.

This is a lovely one. See that?

Isn't that nice? Guinness Book Of Records.

It's all there.

And I got an Enoch Powell chessboard.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

I got one of these, these are nice.

Toilet seat for someone you don't like.

Suits you, it suits you.

Suits me, yes. Yes?

Oh, it's me again! But one of the best things about Christmas...

One of the best things about Christmas, though,

is the special television programmes.

The BB She... The BB She!

Good job I wasn't doing the fronting in that line, wasn't it?

The BBC are showing Mutiny On The Bounty.

They're also showing a film about violent attacks on the police in

the Canadian Rockies, called Boot An Ear On The Mountie.

And a film about a man who falls off Everest and lands on Raquel Welch

entitled Mountaineer On The Beauty.

Unfortunately, you won't be seeing...

You won't be seeing Gracie Fields this Christmas,

but she has sent a special message from Capri, saying,

"I'm not coming over, the money's not right."

And we've been asked to announce that next week on the show of the week,

there'll be a competition to judge which goals

of all the goals chosen on Match Of The Day as Goal of the Month

was this year's Goal of the Month of the Year.

Send your entries to this address.

Match Of The Day Goal of the Month of the Year,

Goal of the Month, Match Of The Day show of the week, London.

And now here's Mike Yarwood as himself.

See if you can recognise him.

Look at the muck on here!

APPLAUSE

Oh, thank you, I love you all so...

Merry Christmas. I love you all dearly, thank you.

Do you know, I'm worn out.

Do you know, my feet are killing...

I still haven't found that charm bracelet, anyway.

My feet... I'm glad they've shut this door.

The din in here's ridiculous. Anyway, my feet are killing me.

I'm telling you, nobody else will work Christmas Day.

You know, standing here all day, it's not fun, is it?

And they only got me because I work cheaper than Jack Warner.

But they're all having a right old knees-up in here, I can tell you,

they really are. I think Everard might be in there, I don't know.

Because I haven't seen him all Christmas.

Anyway, why don't we go inside and have a look?

AS TED HEATH: # We wish you a Merry Christmas

# We wish you a Merry Christmas

# We wish you a Merry Christmas

# And a Tory New Year. #

Hello. On behalf of the Conservatives, welcome to my party.

I will now leave you in the very capable hands of Jessie.

Thank you, Teddy. And you know, it's not everyone who is capable.

Yes, it reminds me, what time's Harold arriving?

I don't know, but I do know this -

that we now have a lovely young lady

who's going to answer some of your requests. Here she is - Madeleine.

Hello. And a special thank you

to all you men who sent me personal letters.

Which I shall be passing on to the police afterwards.

But we have had some song requests.

Yes. A Mrs Mary Whitehouse would like My Ding-A-Ling.

Princess Anne, a keen follower of Basil Brush,

would like Horsey, Horsey, Don't You Stop.

And that lovable little bear, Sooty,

has asked for a request for his friend Harry Corbett

entitled I've Got You Under My Skin.

But you're wasting your time,

because all old fumble fingers here can play is Chopsticks.

Well, good evening and welcome to the party.

Actually, I don't know why I've been invited here, because I don't know anybody.

I haven't met anybody yet that I know.

AS HAROLD WILSON: Oh, hello, Michael. You know me, don't you?

How's my act doing in the clubs?

Actually, Mary and I never miss you on the television.

Oh, very good, very good.

I'd just like to make one criticism, and I think I've said this before.

I said it at the Brighton conference.

You're doing far too much of Ted.

After all, he's quite capable of making a fool of himself

without your help. I think you should do more of me.

Well, I'll certainly bear that in mind, Mr Wilson,

thank you very much.

AS TED HEATH: Hello, Michael, me old shipmate!

Ah!

May I say, and I give you my word...

..I never miss your programme on television.

I really do enjoy it,

but I would like to give you a little bit of advice.

Not as your friend, but as your Prime Minister.

You're doing far too much of Harold.

You should do... You should do much more of me.

After all, what has Harold got?

Very little. I mean, it's the wave and the pipe and the "This will not

"affect the pound in your pocket," and he's finished.

I've only got to shake my shoulders and people fall about laughing.

You know? "Heh-heh-heh!" Really?

I'm more of a comedy character, rather like Harry Worth,

you know the sort of thing.

"My name is Edward Heath, I don't know why,

"but there it is. Ha-ha-ha!"

Well, I'll think about that, Mr Heath. Thank you so much, thank you.

AS FRANKIE HOWERD: What a funny fellow! Poor soul.

No, here, listen, no, don't titter, because you haven't been.

Listen.

No, it's nice to be here, though, it...

Oh, look, I recognise those feet over there.

Tell me, dear boy, do you think they'll be any...

Do you think there'll be any light refreshment at this confounded party?

AS CLEMENT FREUD: I'm terribly afraid there will.

In fact, I brought Henry especially.

I think the food is arriving now. Here's Mr Heath's housekeeper.

Grub up! Come and get it.

What an exquisite,

delectable appetising morsel of mouthwatering sustenance.

What is it, dear?

Gristles.

What'll it be for you, eh, Teddy boy?

Eh? A seabiscuit, a lump of salt pork, and a dollop of cabinet putting?

Oh, no, thank you, Hattie, I'm trying to watch my figure.

Make a change from watching mine.

Watching mine!

Good gracious me, look who's over there.

Now who in... Who invited George Brown?

Aren't you Jimmy Edwards?

Of course I'm not.

I'm Gerald Nabarro.

Well, it's an easy mistake to make.

After all, so many people look like Gerald Nabarro.

Look, I have to get back to the house.

Can I give you a lift?

Not if you're going a roundabout way.

All right, George, that's quite enough of that.

Now listen, everyone, I think we should have a little sing-along.

We've got Hattie here, and Jessie on the organ,

so let's have a nice old sing-along. When you're ready, Jessie.

One, two, three...

# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

# Oh what fun it is to ride on Morning Cloud all day

# Oh!

# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

# Oh what fun it is to see a MP squirm with Day

# As we going to see her

# Nodding sleepy heads

# Hang your stocking up

# Ah, hang 'em in a row

# Father Christmas bold will down a chimney come

# And then he'll take his whiskers off and get into bed with Mum

# Oh!

# Jingle bells, jingle bells Vote Tory every day

# And spend our final years on unemployment pay

# Oh, jingle bells, jingle bells, the end is near, I fear... #

So, friends, we wish you a very happy Christmas and a very, very, very happy new year.

And I want to tell you, if you want to vote for us,

the name is Mike Yarwood and...

..Adrienne Posta.

So if you want to vote for us, we'd love to hear from you.

Goodnight, God bless.

# Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh. #

APPLAUSE

Well, I hope you're all enjoying yourselves.

We had our BBC staff party this morning.

You know, it was all knees up Mother Brown,

and funny hats and throwing streamers

and then somebody spoilt it all

by asking if there was anything to drink.

And a BBC official said they were very sorry,

but the old chap who looks after the drinks cabinet

had passed away last June.

And taken the key with him.

I don't suppose anybody really believed it but a few of us

held hands in a quiet corner and tried to get in touch with him.

Anyway...

Feel free, please. Anyway...

Anyway, the party broke up soon after that

when a member of the Light Entertainment Allotment Society said

that Joyce Grenfell had pulled a knife on him.

Of course, I shall have my own little family party tonight.

And of course, Grandfather will be there as always.

Marvellous old chap, you know.

You'd never think he was 104.

He looks much older.

He actually, dear Grandad, had a very quiet Christmas last year.

His hearing aid broke down.

Now, there is a man who knows what hard times are really like.

He really does. He was telling me that he never saw an orange until

he was six. Can you believe that?

Never saw an orange until he was six.

And he remembers at the age of five, sitting up in bed Christmas morning,

trying to peel a tennis ball.

Actually, it has been a very good year for myself and my family,

if I may be presumptuous enough to say that.

Since I have been, or it has been a very good year for my wife.

My wife, you know, my wife who is rather prone to unusual ailments.

You may remember she went down to the cellar for a bucket of coal

and came up too quickly and got the bends.

She's actually, she's actually very happy now because she has found

a new doctor. And although he hasn't cured her of anything as yet,

he's got her a picture on the centre page pull-out of this month's Lancet.

Case of the Month. Miss Ear, Nose and Throat.

It's not really right to laugh at somebody like that.

And I'm very glad you didn't.

LAUGHTER

It's getting a bit ridiculous, you know, her being a hycachondriac.

A hycho-pondriac.

A hy... Her being a hychopon...

There is such a word, you know, as hychopondriac.

There is such a word as hychopondriac.

Some people like to walk, some people like to hychopondriac.

Her being a hypochondriac, it is getting ridiculous.

Going to bed every night is like moving day at Timothy Whites.

She actually has an arrangement with the local hospital.

If she doesn't call them in the night, they call her.

And recently, she's been so worried about getting insomnia

that she can't sleep.

As I was saying, I am very grateful that, you know,

this has been a bit of a year for me with the pantomime, television,

things like that. I thought I was beginning to do rather well,

think my luck was changing when my parents changed their name back

to Corbett. The milkman offered me a ride in his cart.

Also, one of my little girls,

one of my little daughters, is getting star billing in the school

production of Julius Caesar.

And she's only the second standard-bearer.

So it does make a difference, you see.

That, and the fact that she's with my agent.

That I didn't know until the headmistress rang me up

and asked me what was meant by a percentage of the gross.

But what I actually came out here for,

in case you're beginning to wonder,

and I certainly am, was that...

was to propose a toast.

I won't actually drink any of this wine because it was made especially

for me by my wife's dear old mother.

And there is no known antidote.

So the toast is, to theatrical agents.

Now, you may... Now you may think that's a little bit odd.

But they do have a worrying time at Christmas. This is absolutely true.

Last year, my agent was looking after a very young actor who was

doing very, very well in a repertory company near Bristol.

About two months before Christmas,

the repertory company had to close down. Because business was bad.

Had to shut the theatre. So my agent said to him, "Don't worry,

don't get yourself in a state" - he had a family - "Don't worry."

He said, "I'll try and fix you up in a pantomime.

"I'll ask Freddie Hobson."

He was a chap who put on very small pantomimes all over the country.

Really small pantomimes.

Like Robin Hood And His Merry Man.

I said, "I'll ask him to pop into the theatre next week and see the show."

He said, "What part are you playing?"

The young lad said, "Well, it's going to be a bit awkward because next week

"I'm actually playing Hamlet."

The part of Hamlet. It's hardly like a pantomime.

"Never mind," said the agent.

"At least it'll give him an idea what you can do."

So, sure enough, next Thursday,

the young actor was in the dressing room getting his make-up on,

wondering how to make Hamlet sound a bit like a pantomime

when the stage manager rushed in and said, "Freddie Hobson's arrived,

"he's in his seat, so the best of luck."

So the play starts, you see, and just before his big soliloquy,

he has a brainwave. So he starts...

"To be, or not to be.

"That is the question.

"Oh, yes, it is!"

-AUDIENCE:

-Oh, no, it isn't!

APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Thank you very much. Thank you very much.

Ladies and gentlemen, Cilla Black.

APPLAUSE

# First thought comes into my mind when I wake up

# Heaven knows what I would do if we ever should break up

# You're my whole world and I want you to know it

# I love you and I'm sure that it shows

# This is my chance and I'm not going to throw it away

# You, you, you do something to me

# You, you, you

# Your love runs through me

# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do

# Cos now and forever my life depends on you

# There was a time when I believed that I had no tomorrows

# I pretend that I was happy to hide all my sorrow

# But then you came, from that moment I knew it

# The bad times were behind me and through

# It is your love that has brought back the bright shining days

# You, you, you do something to me

# You, you, you

# Your love runs through me

# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do

# Cos now and forever my life depends on you

# You, you, you

# Do something to me

# You, you, you

# Your love runs through me

# And I, I, I, I hope you're feeling the same as I do

-# Cos now and forever

-Now and forever

-# Now and forever

-Now and forever

# Now and forever My life depends on you. #

APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

There's your whisky, then. Was there something else?

-Yes, two bottles of gin, please.

-Oh, right.

Thank you. A bottle of brandy.

Six cans of lager.

Two quarts of light ale.

A flagon of cider.

A pipkin of Tia Maria.

Thank you.

Three quarts of Empire 45 port-type sherry.

A gallon can of Pernod.

Thank you.

A firkin of port.

Yeah. Two bottles of vodka.

A lot of Bols.

And a small stuffed olives, please.

-Thank you.

-Is that the lot, then?

Yes, that'll do for now, thank you.

Terrible rush, this Christmas lark, isn't it?

Yeah. If it wasn't for the kids, we wouldn't bother, you know.

Ladies and gentlemen, now it's Dad's Army.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Mr Mainwaring says he doesn't want the phone to ring

during the broadcast.

Open up.

Oh, happy Christmas, Mr Hodges.

And the same to you. What's going on here?

You can't come in and you mustn't make noises.

What's all this here?

Napoleon trying out a new secret weapon, is he?

-Why was the door locked?

-Don't you read the Radio Times?

I haven't got time to read all that rubbish, there's a war on.

We're taking part in the lunchtime Christmas Day programme.

To Absent Friends.

Soldiers all over the empire send their greetings.

Since when have you lot been soldiers?

We're doing the bit where it says, "Greetings from a Home Guard unit...

-WHISPERS:

-"Somewhere on the south coast of England."

We're doing the bit just before the King's speech.

Cor blimey, as if he hasn't got enough to put up with!

Dear, oh, Lord! Well, I shan't want to miss this.

I'll go and listen to it on the verger's wireless.

I'll bet you lot make a right mess of it. Dear, oh, dear!

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

I've taken the phone off the hook, Mr Mainwaring.

Good, good, good. We don't want any interruptions.

Are we, are we through to the producer in London?

Good morning, everyone.

My name is Willoughby Charlton Maxwell.

And I am your producer.

Now, this broadcast is to be heard all over the Empire.

And your section will come just before His Majesty the King's speech.

You hear that, Wilson?

Just before the King's speech. What an honour.

Yes, it is, indeed, it's awfully good, sir, yes.

Are your men all ready, Captain Mainwaring?

Yes, yes, we're all ready, thank you.

Would you mind speaking into the microphone, please?

That's the microphone, there, you see?

HE BLOWS

Don't do that!

Don't do that!

Don't do that, Jones.

Now, I'd like to try a voice test.

Will someone speak, please?

Er... You do it, Wilson.

-What shall I say?

-Don't ask me, ask him.

Right, sir. What shall I say?

-No, not there, here.

-That's the microphone.

Don't do that!

-Don't do that!

-Will you stop doing that?

What shall I say?

Oh, anything you like.

Try a nursery rhyme.

There was a young lady from Buckingham, whose idea...

Walker, Walker!

Right, carry on.

I'll do my best.

Lavender blue, dilly dilly.

Lavender green.

I'll be your king, dilly dilly.

If you'll be my queen.

-That was awfully good.

-Was it really?

-I'm so glad you liked it.

-You really have an excellent microphone voice.

-Oh, do you really think so?

-Have you ever done any of this sort of thing before?

-Well, as a matter of fact,

-I once played the White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland when I was at school.

-Did you really?

-Yes.

-So did I.

-Did you, really?

-What school were you at?

-Well, as a matter of fact...

-Can we get on with this script, please?

Oh, Captain Mainwaring, I don't speak till page seven.

-Do you think I might...

-No, certainly not.

One more voice test, please.

I'd like to volunteer to be one more voice tester, please.

# Any old iron, any old iron, any, any, any old iron

# Oh, I won't give you tuppence for your old watch and chain

# Old iron, old iron

# Diddly diddly la la Diddly diddly la la

# Dum dum de da da Pum pum! #

I'm terribly sorry, engineer, I'll see that that doesn't happen again.

-Don't worry about that.

-Poem! Poem by Robert Burns.

Wee, sleekit, cowrin, tim'rous beastie,

O, what a panic's in thy breastie!

Thou need na start awa sae hasty, Wi' bickering brattle!

I wad be laith to rin an' chase thee,

Wi' murdering pattle!

Was that nice and clear?

-Come on...

-There's seven more verses.

Never mind that. Get back in your place, Frazer.

Settle down. And let's start on the script, please.

I want you to read the lines in perfectly normal, natural voices.

Hello, soldiers of the Empire.

I'm a Home Guard commander in charge of a platoon somewhere on the south

-coast of England.

-And I am the Sergeant. I'm second-in-command.

And I am the Lance Corporal. I'm third in command.

Just a minute. Could the officer speak a little more clearly, please?

What's the matter, can't you understand what I'm saying?

The fact is, you don't sound very much like an officer.

Try and make your voice a little more officer-ish.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Our HQ is perched on the top of a windswept cliff

-looking out across the angry sea.

-Just a minute.

-Engineer.

-Yes, sir?

I shall want the sound effects in here.

Ah, yes.

Well, I...

I'm afraid that's going to be a bit difficult, sir.

Why?

I had a phone call from the sound effects chappies about half an hour ago.

And their van's broken down.

I don't think they're going to make it.

-But this is absurd.

-I know.

I must have the wind and water.

Captain Mainwaring, couldn't some of your men simulate them somehow?

Oh, I should think... I should think so, yes.

Captain Mainwaring,

I'd like to volunteer to stimulate the surge of the sounding sea.

HE MAKES SWISHING NOISES

That was awfully good.

-Oh, thank you, sir.

-Mr Mainwaring?

Could I do some seagulls, please?

HE IMITATES A SEAGULL

Captain Mainwaring? Shall I make wind?

Another remark like that, Walker, and I shall order you off the broadcast.

Start again, please.

With the sound effects.

Our HQ is perched on top of a windswept cliff

looking across the angry sea.

THEY PERFORM THE SOUND EFFECTS

And while you're eating your Christmas dinner, we are guarding...

A bit lower, a bit lower, Pike, a bit lower.

Not down there!

Lower your voice.

-Sorry.

-..from the ever-present threat across the Channel.

I decide that we don't just sit here,

it's time for us to go out on petrol.

On patrol, sir.

On patrol, I beg your pardon. Time for us to go out on patrol.

I speak to my sergeant.

Sergeant, it's time for us to go out on patrol.

Cor blimey, sir, so it is.

And it ain't half cold and all.

-What?

-Well, that's what it says here.

Corporal, it's time for us to go out on patrol.

Men, it's time for us to go out on patrol.

The men now realise that it is time for them to go...

Who wrote this rubbish?

-I did!

-Do be very careful what you say, sir, he can hear every word,

-you see.

-Come on, lads, we're going on patrol.

And in less time than it takes to tell,

the men are marching along the cliff top in the teeth of the biting wind.

Suddenly, one of them points and speaks.

What's that, Corp?

What's what?

Look, there's an object floating in the water.

Strewth, so there is and all.

Och, aye, the man's wrecked the noo, och aye.

..said Jock, our Scottish private.

All eyes peered out to sea.

What can it be? What can it be, Sarge?

Cor blimey, stone the crows.

It looks suspicious and all.

I'm terribly sorry, I don't want to be very awkward or difficult,

but this doesn't seem to be written in very good English to me.

It's not supposed to be good English.

It's supposed to be Cockney.

But you see, I don't speak with a Cockney accent.

Well, I naturally assumed that being a sergeant, you would.

But I don't, you see.

Oh, dear. Look, I know what.

How would it be if the sergeant played the part of the officer,

and the officer played the part of the sergeant?

Young man, I am the officer,

and he's the sergeant and it's staying that way.

Mr Mainwaring, I haven't got anything to say.

Is that cos I talk common, like you?

Just carry on being a seagull, Pike.

-Right, Jones.

-What can it be? What can it be, Sarge?

I have got an idea, sir.

If you keep me covered, I will shin down the cliff,

dodge between those boulders,

crawl under the barbed wire and out along the jetty

where I can get a closer dekko.

Then I will quickly shin back and give you the griff.

Wouldn't take two shakes of a lamb's tail.

Well, right, scarper down and take a quick butchers.

I am off.

Cor blimey, sir, look at the old goat go and all.

Och aye, he's lapping like a wee mountain lamby.

Lamby?

I decided to take no chances.

-Tell the men to get undercover, Sergeant.

-Right, guvnah.

Here, Corp, tell the men to get their flipping heads down.

-You did well.

-Jones?

-Where are we?

-Page five.

Oh, right. Tickay-tie-B-O, Sarge.

Tickay-tie-B-O?

Just a minute, what the... Tickety-boo, tickety-boo.

Tickety-boo, Sarge.

You heard what the Sarge said.

-Take cover.

-The men moved like a smooth, well-oiled machine.

Suddenly, above the sound of the surf,

we heard the faint cry of Godfrey's voice.

All clear!

We heaved a deep sigh of relief.

ALL SIGH DEEPLY

All right, all right, all right.

It was a false alarm but it could have been a Nazi submarine.

So give us a thought as you're tucking into your Christmas dinners.

Think of us, the men of Britain's Home Guard,

who are on constant watch day and night.

HE BLOWS HIS NOSE NOISILY

Simple men, shopkeepers, factory workers, butchers, bakers.

And undertakers.

James Frazer, 91 High Street Walmington-on-Sea...

All right,

-that will do.

-Plumes extra.

Be quiet.

Men from all walks of life.

We seek no reward, we only do our duty,

content in the knowledge that our children and our children's children

will grow up to be free men and women.

-And children.

-And children.

Christmas greetings and good wishes

to and from British citizens wherever they may be.

We give you the toast, Absent Friends.

# God rest you, merry gentlemen

# Let nothing you dismay... #

Here, it's getting a bit late, isn't it, sir?

Yes, it is. We ought to be on the air by now.

-What's happened?

-I can't quite make it out.

Nothing's coming through.

But don't worry. I'm just waiting for the stand-by light.

Should be through at any moment.

Just think, Mr Mainwaring.

You'll be the last one to speak before the King.

Do you think he'll be listening?

Oh, yes, yes, undoubtedly.

And the Queen. And Princess Elizabeth.

And Princess Margaret Rose.

God bless them.

# We're going to hang our shopping on the... #

ALL: Ssh, ssh, ssh!

-What happened to you lot, then?

-Quiet, will you? We're just about to go on the air.

What you talking about? It's all over. I've just been listening to the King's speech on the wireless.

-Old Mother Riley's Christmas party's on now.

-Old Mother Riley?

-Yeah.

Awfully sorry, chaps.

Hong Kong overran.

Had to cut you out.

We couldn't keep His Majesty waiting.

That's nice, isn't it?

What have they been doing all this time, then?

Something I want to say...

And I want you to listen very carefully.

-Are you listening?

-Yes, I'm here.

HE BLOWS A RASPBERRY

DOORBELL RINGS

HE SNORES

Good morning, sir. Merry Christmas.

-What?

-Merry Christmas, sir, a very merry Christmas.

Thank you very much, same to you.

I was just passing by, I thought I'd pop in to wish you a very merry,

-merry Christmas sir.

-Thank you very much indeed, yes.

A really, really happy Christmas.

Yes, thanks a lot, thanks a lot.

Very happy indeed. And a very prosperous New Year,

free from all economic pressures.

Rather, rather, yes, thank you, yes.

But above all a very, very happy Christmas with many,

-many Christmas gifts.

-Yeah, thank you very much.

-Goodbye.

-Happy Christmas.

Oh, dear.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Hello!

-Hello.

I just wanted you to know that everything I said earlier about

having a happy Christmas still stands.

Thank you very, very much indeed.

I hope you have a very happy Christmas as well.

You know, I'm really worried about you having a happy Christmas.

I quite appreciate that, my dear man. But...

-Merry Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

M-merry Christmas...

Well, I suppose I better be getting on with work.

Got a lot of work to do this morning with my bottles on this cold morning,

I just wanted to make sure that you were going to have a very happy Christmas.

Thank you very much indeed.

Goodbye!

HE GROANS

Look, matey, we want you to have a happy Christmas,

do you understand that?

CLATTERING

We don't want you sitting on broken chairs

watching a half-burned-down Christmas tree.

Eating your turkey dinner off a copy of the Radio Times.

Listening to the radio cos you haven't got a television.

We have got a television.

SMASHING

Cos you haven't got a television.

We want you to have a happier Christmas than that, mate.

All right, all right, all right, what do you want?

Well, it's up to you, sir, whatever you think I'm worth.

Just tell me what you want.

Well, it's usually 50p or a packet of cigarettes.

Cigarettes? There's some in the cupboard over there.

Thank you.

Yes, that's the one, yes.

Here we are, here we are.

-Take this.

-Just two packets?

-There's 200 in there, you can take them, take them all.

-I only want 20.

-I don't want to appear too greedy.

-No, take them, they're yours.

He don't want them all!

-Doesn't he want them all?

-No.

All right. There we are.

Take two packets...

Not two - one!

One, yes, there we are, one.

Thank you very much, sir. Happy Christmas, sir.

-Happy Christmas.

-Merry Christmas.

Happy Christmas.

-Yes.

-Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

-Who was that, dear?

-Oh, it's all right, it's all right, dear.

It's just the milkman.

Come for his Christmas box.

Oh, yes, I left a pound on the hall table.

No, it's all right, I fobbed him off with a packet of cigarettes.

# Away in a manger

# No crib for a bed

# The little Lord Jesus laid down his sweet head

# The stars in the bright sky

# Looked down where he lay

# The little Lord Jesus asleep on the hay

# Long time ago in Bethlehem

# So the Holy Bible says

# Mary's boy child Jesus Christ

# Was born on Christmas Day

# Hark now hear the angels sing

# A new king born today

# And man will live for evermore

# Because of Christmas Day

# While shepherds watched their flocks by night

# Them see a bright new star

# Them hear a choir sing

# The music seemed to come from afar

# Now Joseph and his wife Mary

# Come to Bethlehem that night

# Them find no place to born she child

# Not a single room was in sight

# Trumpets sound and angels sing

# Listen to what they say

# That man will live forever more

# Because of Christmas Day

# By and by they find a little nook

# In a stable all forlorn

# And in a manger cold and dark

# Mary's little boy was born

# Long time ago in Bethlehem

# So the Holy Bible says

# Mary's boy child Jesus Christ

# Was born on Christmas Day

# Hark now hear the angels sing

# A new king born today

# And man will live for evermore

# Because of Christmas Day

# Hark now hear the angels sing

# A new king born today

# And man will live for evermore

# Because of Christmas Day

# That man will live for evermore

# Because of Christmas Day. #

APPLAUSE

Well, that brings us to the end of the show

but there are one or two items of late news.

Mr Heath said in a message to the nation tonight that he is

still hoping for a settlement in the Cod War.

He said, "I think we would all like to start the New Year with a solid

"and worthwhile cod peace."

The police were victims of a hoax today.

It happened on the A1 about two miles from Three Bridges at four o'clock,

when five men who were all at sixes and sevens

due to being one over the eight

had dialled 999 and demanded ten cups of cocoa for their elevenses.

A mathematician is helping the police with their enquiries.

In Sunderland tonight,

a bulletin was issued about the man who swallowed an eight-day clock

on Tuesday. His condition is still giving cause for alarm

at 7.15 every morning.

And a special BBC team have been out today, asking famous sportsmen

what they got for Christmas.

Ralph Coates said coats.

Sir Alec Rose said roses.

And David Broome said brooms.

Alan Ball was also asked...

..but he declined to comment.

A 24-year-old turkey breeder had an unfortunate accident yesterday when

he fell off the back of his lorry at Smithfield market.

Within three minutes, he was trussed,

stuffed and sold as oven-ready.

And now, it's a merry Christmas from me.

-And it's a happy New Year from him. Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

-Goodnight.

APPLAUSE