Noel James a Gary Slaymaker Gwerthu Allan

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-"tolerant but critical"

-You won't believe what happened

-to me on the way to the show.

-I was driving down

-from London to Cardiff.

-When I reached Caernarfon...

-..I stopped for a cuppa.

-I was in Caernarfon -

-this is true, by the way...

-..I was in Caernarfon

-when a skinhead walked up to me...

-..and said,

-"Do you want a 'stid' (hiding)?"

-"Excuse me?"

-"Do you want a 'stid'?"

-I didn't know what he meant.

-I thought he was referring to a

-fictional character from the '60s.

-Stead from the Avengers.

-I said,

-"No, if I want one of them...

-"..I'll go down to Portmeirion

-to meet The Prisoner."

-The Prisoner is still there...

-..imprisoned in a toilet

-doing a Number Two.

-You can hear him through the door.

-He says things like, "Where am I?

-"What do you want?"

-"I'm not constipated,

-I have diarrhoea."

-Of course, the skinhead

-didn't appreciate this.

-That's when I realised

-that 'stid' meant a hiding.

-As I wiped the blood off my nose...

-..I had a moment to reflect.

-I had a pleasant surprise

-when I saw...

-..walking towards me

-on Caernarfon's high street...

-..an even more

-fictional character...

-..wearing a long black cloak

-on his back...

-..with black slick-back hair

-and fangs.

-Dracula, be damned.

-Dracula, all the way

-from Transylvania.

-He must have smelt the blood.

-I wasn't scared. I wanted to know

-where he was heading.

-Of course,

-Dracula doesn't speak Welsh.

-But when in Rome...

-..do as you do at home.

-"OK, co(u)nt?"

-I asked. "How are you, co(u)nt?"

-And he replied, saying,

-"Co(u)nt Dracula.

-"Co(u)nt Dracula."

-Well, indeed,

-what was he doing in Caernarfon?

-Had he come to see the castle?

-Caernarfon Castle

-is the oldest castle in Wales.

-It was until they built one

-that was older.

-"Hey, Dracula, I hope you don't mind

-me asking. Where are you going?"

-He replied once more. "Ttttthhhhh."

-He's a vampire. "Ttttthhhhh."

-I was scared now -

-he was coming nearer.

-"Ttttthhhhh."

-He came right up to my face.

-"Ttttthhhhhanrhaeadr-ym-Mochnant."

-He tried to pronounce it properly.

-You can take the boy out of Wales...

-..but you can't take the English

-out of Wales.

-I don't want to say anything nasty

-about them...

-..but since I speak a language

-they don't understand...

-..I bet they think I'm talking

-about them right now.

-So I might as well.

-They're paranoid.

-They're more than willing

-to be paranoid...

-..about the Welsh language.

-They say if they walk

-into a North Wales pub...

-..everyone starts talking Welsh.

-That's a coincidence.

-I walked into an English pub and

-they all started talking English.

-I know they were talking about me.

-I had a translator with me

-at the time.

-I also know they weren't speaking

-English before I walked in.

-They weren't speaking at all.

-It's a mute point.

-They're paranoid about

-the Welsh language when it's spoken.

-But not when it's written.

-When did you hear about

-an Englishman driving into Wales...

-..and worrying that the bilingual

-signs were referring to him?

-'Gwasanaethau' -

-that means I'm a dickhead.

-I've told them that the signs

-were English before they drove in.

-I'm not looking forward

-to the end of the gig.

-My girlfriend has offered

-to cook me an African meal.

-The problem is, I know her too well.

-She has cannibalistic tendencies.

-I'm not sure what's in the food.

-Anyway, I've already eaten... her.

-I got married this year. Yes indeed.

-Thank you.

-This has upset my girlfriend.

-I'm sorry,

-I married this year ten years ago.

-My wife's name is Eleni (this year).

-Eleni James - she was

-Eleni Lewis before we got married.

-The certificate says James nee

-Lewis. She can make the choice.

-I have a tolerant yet critical wife.

-She criticises me on many levels.

-We live in a lift.

-She complains

-that I never admit I'm wrong.

-No, I'd rather not admit

-to anything, especially to her.

-I'd rather not admit

-we're married sometimes.

-The most stinging criticism

-was this, "You're crap in bed."

-What happened was,

-a month ago she said...

-.."Look, I'm serious,

-I want an in-depth conversation."

-Here we go, we'll have to find

-an underground cave...

-..to have our chat.

-We found one and she said,

-"You're crap in bed."

-I know - I snore.

-"That's not what I meant.

-I meant the sex.

-"You can't find the clitoris."

-That came as a shock.

-A Northwalian not knowing

-the Welsh word for clitoris.

-To be fair, I wasn't sure.

-I remember Welsh rhyming slang -

-the Guto Rhys.

-That wouldn't have gone down well.

-A bit like me.

-She said, "Look, you can't

-find the 'gogleisydd'."

-That's the Welsh word

-we settled upon.

-Gogleisydd is appropriate.

-She's a Gog and when we discuss

-the clitoris, she speaks.

-Well, every time she discusses it.

-Apparently, I can't find it.

-Truth be told,

-I didn't know it was missing.

-I didn't know the clitoris existed

-in the real world.

-I thought it was fictional -

-from Pedwar Cainc y Mabinogi.

-You had to be kinky

-to believe in it.

-We found a compromise.

-Even though I'm crap in bed,

-I promised to do more housework.

-Washing the dishes,

-washing the clothes and hoovering.

-I'm glad I agreed to hoover. I was

-hoovering behind the sofa last week.

-What do you think I found?

-The clitoris.

-She'd dropped it on the carpet.

-I picked it up and gave her

-the sharp end of my tongue.

-And now we're friends again.

-I don't know how that came about.

-More music.

-My favourite dog is a bulldog.

-I like the wait it barks. Moooo!

-That inspired the next song.

-Some of you

-would call this the blues.

-It sounds better after some booze.

-# Well, pussy merry miaow

-# Where did your fur go?

-# Yes, pussy merry miaow

-# Where did your fur go?

-# Oh

-# By going through Llwyn-tew

-# Through the snow and ice

-# Pussy merry miaow

-# Miaow

-Here's the chorus.

-# Miaow

-# Miaow

-# Tttttthhhhh, miaow

-# Miaow, miaow

-# Miaow, miaow

-# Miaow

-# Miaow

-# Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow

-# Miaow, miaow, miaow, miaow

-# Bleurgh! #

-I'm sorry, it's a fur ball.

-It's such a sad song, I choke up.

-Thank you very much. Cheerio.

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-"Gar's world"

-Hello, Cardiff.

-I don't know when this show

-will be aired so here goes.

-Merry Christmas, Happy Easter,

-Happy St David's Day...

-..and congratulations to Scotland

-on gaining independence.

-All bases covered.

-Hello, how are you, are you alright?

-Good, good.

-I don't want to start

-on a low note...

-..but I've split up

-with another girlfriend.

-Don't say 'aahh'.

-You haven't heard what I did yet.

-Last Tuesday morning,

-we were both in bed.

-She turned to me and asked, "Why do

-I have to sleep on the wet patch?"

-I replied, "Because you, darling,

-are the one with diarrhoea."

-Not nice. Yuck.

-She went off on one.

-We were fighting like a cat and dog.

-Arguing. We went to the bathroom

-together, shouting all the time.

-Still arguing

-at the breakfast table.

-We were still arguing at the bus

-stop waiting for the bus to town.

-The bus arrived and the driver

-asked, "Are you getting on?"

-She said, "No, he's a f****n' t**t!"

-For the sake of getting some peace,

-she went on the first bus...

-..and I waited for the next one.

-I went to town,

-did what I had to do...

-..I was home in an hour and a half.

-I had a cuppa and an hour later,

-I heard the key turn in the door.

-She came in.

-She'd been doing some retail

-therapy to get over the howdy-doo.

-I'd never seen a woman

-carrying so many bags.

-She came in and I asked

-if she fancied a cuppa.

-"I don't want anything from you.

-In fact..."

-She started rummaging

-through her bags...

-..and pulled out

-the biggest vibrator...

-..I'd seen in my life.

-She waved it in front of me.

-"Look, I'll never need

-anything from you again."

-Guess who had to put

-the batteries in.

-I was in Tesco yesterday morning -

-other supermarkets are available.

-I was queuing up to pay for my food.

-And old man was in front of me

-and as he got to the till...

-..the check-out girl asked,

-"Have you got a bag for life?"

-"No, bach,

-I divorced her last year."

-It was lovely

-to see a man of that age...

-..make a real mess of his life,

-just like I've done.

-I knew things were going

-to go wrong with my relationship.

-My troubles started

-back on St Dwynwen's Day.

-A Cardi's favourite romantic day -

-far cheaper than Valentine's Day.

-I thought I'd show her my love

-by buying her a bunch of flowers.

-I asked for a bunch of flowers

-at the shop.

-"Daffodils, roses, lilies?

-What do you want to say?"

-I replied, "I want a shag."

-I should be grateful

-to have anyone in my life.

-I'm not fussy,

-I'm not high maintenance.

-I was asked,

-"What do you look for in a woman?"

-"A pulse, ideally."

-It's OK for me to find a woman,

-but Mam's the problem.

-As we all know, the mother

-controls every family in Wales.

-They say what goes.

-Every time I've taken a girl home,

-she's never been happy.

-They've never passed muster

-with Mam.

-I can remember each sentence.

-"Does she have to take drugs

-in the kitchen?

-"Does she have to trim her pubes

-in the living room?"

-It's hopeless.

-I had a brainwave.

-I went out and found a girl

-who looked like Mam...

-..sounded like Mam...

-..and even dressed like Mam.

-Right, quids in,

-I've done it this time.

-I took her back to Lampeter -

-Dad couldn't stand her.

-I can't say I'm too worried

-about my last relationship ending.

-There were problems

-right from the start.

-I didn't think

-she was the right one.

-She was into role playing -

-and not like Dungeons and Dragons.

-She liked acting.

-To be honest,

-she was a shit actor in the bedroom.

-There are plenty of people on TV

-who are shit actors already.

-On the first night, she said

-let's play doctors and nurses.

-I put her on a trolley and left her

-in a corridor for two days.

-Apparently not, it seems.

-I felt the spark had gone

-last summer.

-I said we needed to

-spice things up in our relationship.

-"What if I ring you one night

-and I'll talk sexy on the phone?"

-She said,

-"Anything to keep you quiet."

-Fine.

-I decided to phone her one night.

-I phoned her Wednesday night, after

-the Champions League, obviously.

-"Hiya, baby, it's me."

-"What do you want?"

-"I thought we could have

-that sexy chat." "Whatever."

-So I asked,

-"What are you wearing right now?"

-"That tight T-shirt you like."

-"Good, good. What else?"

-"The mini skirt

-which drives you crazy."

-"Oh, great. What colour knickers

-are you wearing?"

-She said,

-"I'm not wearing knickers."

-I asked, "What are you doing?"

-"I'm having a dump."

-So, single man again.

-Look out, ladies.

-What a catch.

-To get my head straight and

-forget about the previous week...

-..I returned to Lampeter

-for a weekend.

-While I was there,

-I bumped into Uncle Gwilym.

-Some of you may have heard

-about Uncle Gwilym.

-He's the biggest Cardi ever.

-I'll tell you how tight he is.

-Every time he lifts his head,

-his foreskin rolls back.

-That's tight.

-Uncle Gwil didn't have

-the best of summers.

-He found out in July

-he had diabetes.

-He looked on the bright side.

-"Well, I can piss on my Corn Flakes

-and they'll taste better."

-Keith Bach, Uncle Gwilym's son,

-fell into the Teifi. Almost drowned.

-Luckily, a tourist dived in

-and rescued him.

-When Gwilym found out, he went to

-the Black Lion to see the tourist.

-"Excuse me, did you rescue my son?"

-"Yes," he replied.

-"Good. Where's his hat?"

-Uncle Gwil told me about him

-and Wilf going to the Royal Welsh.

-They were only there a day

-but they had fun.

-They found a cake stall

-on the field.

-Wilf said, "Do you want to know

-how to get three free cakes?"

-This made Gwilym very excited.

-Wilf went over to the stall

-and spoke to the man.

-They were having a chat and

-Wilf said, "Is that Dai Llanilar?"

-The man took no notice.

-Wilf tried again.

-"Is he opening his wallet?"

-The man turned his head right away.

-As he did so, Wilf grabbed a cake

-and put it in his coat.

-They carried on chatting.

-"Is that Heledd Cynwal in a bikini?"

-Every man within earshot had a look!

-Wilf grabbed another cake.

-Wilf tried again.

-"Is that John and Alun syphoning

-red diesel from the tractor?"

-Country music

-doesn't pay as well as it did.

-The man took a closer look

-and Wilf grabbed a third cake.

-He thanked the man on the stall

-and walked back to Gwilym.

-"What do you think?"

-"That was amateur. I can do better."

-Uncle Gwil went up to the same man

-and said...

-.."Hey do you like tricks?

-Watch this - this is a trick."

-Uncle Gwilym leant in,

-grabbed a cake and ate it.

-He took a second one and ate it.

-He took a third cake and ate it.

-When he swallowed the third cake, he

-turned to the man and went "ta-da!"

-The man was so angry.

-"What kind of trick

-do you call that?"

-Gwilym said, "Check Wilf's pockets!"

-Lampeter. Uncle Gwil invited me out

-for a pint. He could see I was low.

-"Let's go and meet the new barmaid -

-Bet." "Bet what?

-"Bet you don't know what

-I'm drinking." "Guinness?"

-"Thanks for offering."

-I fall for it every time.

-In we went to the pub.

-Uncle Gwilym turned to me and said,

-"I'm glad you're with me tonight."

-He's a hard man. I didn't think he

-could ever open up to me like this.

-"Yes, I'm glad you're here. When I

-go for a piss, look after my pint."

-Before that, he would write

-on a piece of paper...

-.."I've spat in this"

-and leave it next to his pint.

-Until the night someone wrote

-next to it, "So have I."

-We were sat there and who came in

-but one of Gwilym's best friends...

-..Dodgy Keith.

-He calls himself Dodgy Keith

-but his real name was Dodgy Bill.

-For tax reasons, he changed it.

-Gwilym pointed him out -

-"He's a hell of boy, this one.

-"He can get his hands on anything.

-He can find anything for you."

-"Could he find Bryn Fon's talent?"

-Angharad Mair

-was the original version.

-Actually...

-Gwilym said,

-"He can't perform miracles."

-I sat down and talked

-to Dodgy Keith.

-I said, "I'm a celeb, of sorts.

-I used to be.

-"I'm windswept and interesting.

-I'd love a helicopter."

-"OK, what colour?"

-"Blue." "OK. Good."

-And away he went.

-I didn't think any more of it

-and we carried on drinking.

-An hour later,

-a pretty woman walked into the pub.

-A rare occurrence in Lampeter.

-I forgot all about my relationship

-problems the previous week.

-I tried my luck.

-I went up to her and said,

-"Can I buy you a drink?"

-She looked at me and said,

-"Can you just give me the money?"

-It was approaching stop-tap

-and Dodgy Keith walked into the bar.

-He said, "I've got something

-for you in the car park."

-We went out and a helicopter

-was neatly parked in the car park.

-A blue one. I was over the moon.

-The Mid Wales Air Ambulance

-weren't happy, mind.

-That's enough from me.

-Thank you for listening. Goodnight.

-S4C Subtitles by Adnod Cyf.

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