27/12/2011 I've Never Seen Star Wars

# Enjoy yourself

# It's later than you think

# Enjoy yourself

# While you're still in the pink

# The years go by

# As quickly as you wink

# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

# It's later than you think. #

Hello.

Hello and welcome to this special Christmas edition

of I've Never Seen Star Wars. Tonight, I'll be attempting

to extract my guest from his comfort zone

and getting him to try some things he's never done before.

Tonight's initiate is Britain's favourite polymath.

Let's find out what he's never done.

Will you please welcome the absolutely wonderful Stephen Fry!

APPLAUSE

# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think.#

Thank you. Thank you very much. I say.

-Now, Stephen, are you good at trying new things?

-No, appalling.

I've got to the age where,

you know how when you're a tree and you're young,

you can bend the branches which way they will,

and then there comes an age where you bend and they snap.

-I've got to the gnarled, snappy stage.

-Oh, right.

I've got to the age where I just fall over.

That's a sort of tree thing.

-That's a tree thing, too.

-One thing I've heard about you,

and is this true, you've never bought a bottle of bleach?

No, I... why... why would I?

I don't know, but I'm somehow amazed by that.

There are many, many methods of suicide I've contemplated,

but bleach...

Bleach isn't one of them. I wouldn't dare.

Probably, people have bought bleach on my behalf.

Without my knowing about it. Sometimes, I come back to my flat

and I find the water in the lavatory is blue and I know

that my beloved Edna has done something to it

and that may involve bleach.

-Or else you've had a Royal round.

-Or indeed I've had a Royal round.

Let's start, shall we, by talking about appearance.

-Do you look after your appearance?

-No. See, look. I never look at myself.

Even when I'm brushing my teeth, I don't look at myself.

I look at myself a bit when I shave -

which I haven't done very heavily this evening -

otherwise, no. I can't bear the sight of myself.

I don't watch my own TV programmes, for example.

I haven't watched QI since the second one in the first series.

But you know that everybody else in the entire world thinks

you look gorgeous. You don't need to think, it's not stupid. HE GRUMBLES

There's one very nice person there.

Oh, she dropped her white stick.

-You're gorgeous too, you're utterly gorgeous.

-Oh, please.

-You are.

Look at your glasses and lips and how beautifully they go together.

Your eyes are beautiful. Everything about you is beautiful.

Could you give my husband a ring?

He's not said anything like that since, oh,

the day before the wedding night, I don't think.

How would you describe your look, then?

I would say this is a man with a bent nose

and a body like a bin-liner full of yoghurt.

More or less. I honestly - I know it sounds...

This is not a begging for sympathy, or a "you are deluded."

I got a lot of letters after my last autobiography saying,

"Will you shut up about your dislike of your appearance?"

I understand this and don't want to go on about it.

I envy those... You know in Futurama, Richard Nixon

goes around just as a brain in a jar,

I think it would be admirable not to have this excrescence.

It needs to be fed,

it needs to be worked in a gym in order to look human.

All I would like is just my head and my lips so I could speak,

and my eyes so that I could see things,

my ears so that I can hear things. The rest of it is just...

What's it doing there?

There is one little part of it which occasionally likes

to go out and play, but that's about it.

I'd like your brain in a box, actually, your head in a box,

when I'm watching University Challenge.

I'm a bit useless at that, but I have to say,

I have to have a body because there's nowhere else to put chips, is there?

Given your ambivalence towards the way you look,

we asked you to have a part of your body pierced.

Yes. Yes.

Now, why had you not been pierced before?

Had it never occurred to you to bother?

I have a lot of godchildren and some of them are very privileged,

because some of my friends are very lucky.

They've gone to famous public schools and things.

Now, 30 or 40 years ago, at Eton College,

if you had a pierced ear or a tattoo,

you'd probably be expelled.

You'd almost be expelled for not having one now.

It's extraordinary how things have come round. It just never crossed my mind.

Now it has had to, unfortunately,

because we sent you along to get pierced. Where did you do it?

I thought I'd better go somewhere that had a bit of a reputation.

You'd be embarrassed if I went to a piercing parlour

and three years later, sued you

because I had Hepatitis C or something.

So we went to Selfridges in London.

-Let's have a look and see what happened.

-Oh, my goodness.

-Yes.

Ah. How amusing - Metalmorphosis.

Hello, I'm Stephen.

-Nice to meet you.

-I've come to be pierced by you.

-OK.

I can see that at least you practise what you preach.

Yes, this is our extensive list of everything, so you've got...

Is it just piercing, or does this include tattoos?

No, this is just all the piercings we do.

I think we can avoid the female genital page,

and frankly the male genital page, too. I've got to decide which ear.

I sleep on my right so I wouldn't want to keep annoying it.

On the other hand, if it's in my left,

doesn't that make me claim I'm heterosexual or something?

-Isn't there some code?

-There's lots of stories about codes.

Nowadays, people get pierced where they want to,

so it doesn't really mean anything.

If you're ready, if you want to follow me to the studio?

-Well, who would have guessed?

-If you take a seat.

Quite a medical feel to it.

I'm going to ask this in a plain and not a panicky way -

will there be much blood?

-No, there's not going to be any blood at all.

-Good.

-Not for my sake, for the sake of the viewer.

-Obviously.

Some things that we pierce bleed a little bit -

mostly genital piercings.

Why would they want to do that as well,

on top of all their other problems,

the other weepings and seepings? Oh, my goodness.

-This bit doesn't hurt.

-You do a little X marks the spot?

Well, a dot.

-OK, are you ready to go?

-I think so.

-Good, OK.

If you take a deep breath in. Blow it out. That's it.

-Seriously?

-That's it, that's all it is. It's in, the back's on.

Your ear's going to feel a little bit hot, it's going to look a little bit red.

That will go really quickly. That's all the fuss over with!

Thank you so much. Give me a kiss.

-That's what you look like pierced.

-HE LAUGHS

I'm going to have to get used to this whole new me. It's completely weird.

Well, well, well. I wonder what Jo Brand will think of it. She'll probably think I'm stupid.

I was fully prepared to come with it still in,

but unfortunately had to do some re-shooting

on a Sherlock Holmes film, so I had to take it out.

Once it's taken out, it heals up almost instantly.

So that's the only memory we have of the day I was pierced, really.

It lasted about two days, and amazingly, almost nobody I bumped into noticed it at once.

Really?

I was at a show, my nephew and his girlfriend came

and we were chatting in the interval of the show.

He was chatting to me and I said,

"Do you notice anything different about me?"

People always look to the hairline when you say that. He said, "No, no."

He said, "You haven't got a beard or a moustache or anything"

and suddenly went, "Oh, my God, Uncle Stephen.

"What on earth is happening?"

It was this sort of tragic, he thought his uncle had gone weird.

As if having grown up knowing me all his life,

I could have got any weirder!

I have had my ears pierced, but I had them done at college when I was

very drunk one night,

by a friend with an ice cube, a cork and a needle.

-Oh, you're joking.

-No. Are you going to re-pierce?

I think not.

I've done it now and it was an experience.

I am going to show you some options that you could have had

downstairs, as it were.

Let's just start with your bits. Well, not YOUR bits.

-That's your classic Prince Albert?

-That's your classic Prince Albert.

Not keen?

I just don't see why.

Does it enhance the pleasure for the lady, is that the point?

I couldn't tell you.

I'll pop one on my husband later and give you a ring.

Can I say, I thought you did brilliantly there and you were brave.

Would you like to give your experience

of having your ear pierced marks out of ten?

Oh, yes. I'm really glad I did it.

It's nice to feel that I have a tiny thing in common with probably

a majority of my fellow citizens now,

so I would give that an eight out of ten.

That's an eight of ten, everyone.

# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself, it's later than you think. #

Stephen, let me ask you - are you a handy man around the house?

No. I grew up in a house that was ancient. Ancient.

It was probably the first house in Norfolk ever to be on electricity,

and it hadn't changed since.

It had those huge ceramic fuses that would occasionally go

and if my father wasn't around or my brother wasn't around,

I did know how to change a fuse and it was a jolly dangerous business.

I could do that and I could change a plug.

That's about it, really, to be honest.

Certainly nothing to do with woods or screws or drills

or braces and bits or anything like that.

Tinkering with car engines?

No, I love cars and there was a time when for some bizarre reason

I had almost up to 11 of the bloody things in different places,

but I wasn't particularly good at dealing with them.

I just screamed for someone else to do it.

How about school - did you do metalwork or woodwork?

I have a dim memory of once being allowed into a woodwork shop

and then very quietly led out of it and told that perhaps

I ought to think about something like the cello.

-DIY's a bit of a mystery for you.

-A complete mystery.

Given you really have virtually done no DIY in your life,

I thought it would be a great idea

if you constructed your first ever piece of flat-pack furniture.

Astonishing. I cannot... The people who make

these things are the biggest company in the world, virtually.

Presumably, everybody does it. I cannot

believe the human race has allowed itself to get into the position

where instead of buying a bloody desk,

they just buy the bits of it and put it together.

It puts good, honest carpenters out of work and is...

AGONY!

-You've never been to IKEA, have you?

-I've never been inside one.

-I've driven past them, they're blue and yellow.

-That's right.

We didn't send you to buy your flat-pack

because we like you too much. It can be hideous.

-This is what happened.

-Oh, dear.

Oh, blimey.

Good gracious.

Oh, God, here are all the parts and the screws. Good gracious!

That's good. That's a very good start, look at that.

Isn't that brilliant? Oh, come on.

No. Completely arsed it up already.

Bollocks.

Apart from anything else,

it's physically the most demanding thing I've ever done in my life.

Let me just get my breath back.

19568. Jesus.

Are you the little hole for this?

No.

Now for the same thing again.

Just allow some room for me to get my...

Right. That's a pretty good start.

And that would just swing there like that, obviously.

SNAPPING

Oh, shut up. Oh, I've broken the dowel.

This is going to be agony.

That went straight through the air.

Have to match up. Have to nail into something, Stephen.

I'm really...at the end of my tether with this now.

You've come out of your hole, you bastard.

This is deeply troubling. Deeply troubling.

Match up in the wood. Thank you. I'm grateful for the help.

What the blazes? I don't know what you are.

Oh, you're a drawer, possibly. Are you? A drawer?

I've only got one slider.

This is...

HE SOBS

I'll just have a little hanging door for the moment,

but generally speaking, there's your...

Ahh!

It's a bottom drawer now, which is more useful

because you can get at the paper and the things you need.

But essentially, there's Goliat...

slain by David.

I thought I did a bloody good job, frankly.

Right, next.

Oh, dear.

Can I just start off, I'm sorry about doing this,

but this is how much Stephen had left at the end.

I would assume any sensible company would leave some extra in case you get them lost.

-But not 23.

-All right. Fair enough.

-Did it make you feel manly?

-No, it made me feel angry.

It made me feel genuinely angry.

It made me feel that the company had contempt for me.

I understand that not everyone can afford purpose-built

carpentry furniture, my goodness me.

I understand not everybody can spend a weekend making their own,

which would be beautiful and a lovely thing to do.

I understand that a flat-pack is a good idea in saving money,

but I'd think there is an enormous space in the market for someone

to come in with an intelligent, joyful way of doing it.

There's no colour coding which seems to me one of the dumbest things.

One would just like to shake the head of the Head of Ikea

because the instructions just do not seem to understand human nature.

They're all visual, aren't they?

They're all visual, but they're black-and-white visual.

-I wanted to redesign the bloody thing...

-There were a couple of things you could have done.

-You could have taken your jacket off.

-Yes, I suppose.

Also, the other thing you didn't do, which a lot of people do do,

is get all of the nails and screws out of the bag and put them

in groups so that you can identify...

These are the kind of people who put things up their bottoms.

This is taking anality too far.

I also did Goliat at home.

You took over an hour and half, I took about an hour and 20 minutes.

-Well done.

-20 minutes of that was piss-taking by my husband.

-That doesn't count.

-Can we have a look at a picture of mine?

I'd love to see yours. I bet it's a lot better than mine. Perfect.

APPLAUSE

-And what's that thing on top of it?

-Weirdly, my BAFTA fell off a shelf.

-I have been told women are better at it and I can well believe it.

-I really loved it as well.

I know it's so weird to say that, but I really enjoyed it.

-I'm delighted to hear it.

-It doesn't sound like you're going to give...

-No.

-Flat-pack furniture very high marks.

What would you give your experience out of ten?

-One.

-You would give it one out of ten.

Do you think you're a person who's tuned into popular culture?

I must confess, I'm not.

There is an enormous number of holes in my tapestry. I rely on friends.

There are things that you cannot but know.

You literally can go... I have for example never seen anything

with the word "dancing" in it ever.

Do you watch a lot of comedy?

A fair amount.

I like, though, it slightly makes my eyes water -

the kids, they've now made a film.

Simon Bird and...

-What the hell's that called?

-What the hell is that?

The Inbetweeners, yes. It's witty, they know what they're doing and it's good.

There is one comedy series that you've never seen an episode of.

It's three-times BAFTA award-winning,

which at the height of its popularity had 24 million viewers.

-Jesus.

-You have never seen an episode of Only Fools and Horses.

I'm sorry, it's not like a moral choice.

-It just never happened.

-Some people have fainted.

I've also never seen the one with the old people in it -

-Last of the Summer Wine.

-Oh, yes.

-That's been going for 70 years.

-That's no great loss.

-OK.

Really, I feel awful because again, I've worked with Nicholas Lyndhurst.

I think David Jason is one of the finest television actors in history.

I have seen every episode of Frost probably 20 times.

I'm absolutely obsessed with it and I think he is a genius.

Can I just ask, is there anyone in the audience

who's never seen Only Fools and Horses? Oh, you've got a few.

It's not something I'm proud of. As I say, I really admire

all the talent that went into the making of it.

The director of most of them, I've worked with him.

I've just felt embarrassed that I've never got round to it.

You need no more feel embarrassed because you have watched it.

-Because you sent me round a box-set.

-Indeed.

Tell us about the episodes you watched.

Oh, I saw one called "The Unlucky Winner is..."

Rodney is talented at painting

and Del Boy - of whom I was well aware

because like Arthur Daley in Minder,

one sort of knew he was a dodger and diver and a weaver and a bobber.

Selling things down the market and dodgy watches or whatever it might be.

I kind of knew that was what his character was already.

In this instance, he'd been having a phase of doing competitions

and he had submitted a painting of Rodney's

to a Corn Flakes competition.

It had won, but there was a big but, which was very funny.

I really enjoyed the episode.

It has an element, I won't say of soap opera,

but of continuing drama.

The characters grow and develop

and there are moments of sadness that aren't sentimentalised,

that are very touching.

I think that's why the nation took it to their hearts so much

because they grew up with that family.

You now look back at it, it seems extraordinarily innocent, really.

I'm so pleased you enjoyed it, actually,

because I absolutely love it.

I think it's kind of a real universal comedy because it doesn't matter

if you're middle-class, upper-class or what you are.

You can watch it and there's just always great laughs in it, really.

That's the thing about John Sullivan as a writer,

he was a fantastic character writer, and he could do wonderful jokes,

just brilliant moments that make you laugh out loud.

Because you enjoyed it, and we're very pleased

we've got a little memento for you of it, which is...here.

A statuette of Rodney.

-You know what? I think it looks a bit like you.

-It does, doesn't it?

Please take that with you.

If I didn't eat so much, I would look like that.

Thank you very much indeed.

I'm extremely touched.

Would you mind to give us your marks out of 10 for Only Fools And Horses?

-I would give it nine and half out of 10.

-Fantastic. 9.5 out of 10.

Stephen, now I'd like to talk to you about violence.

How are you with violence?

I'm extremely good at running away.

I hate confrontation - even verbal confrontation upsets me very much.

I don't think I've ever hit anybody.

-Have you been in a fight?

-No. I remember what a shock it was.

In Cambridge, there's a place, where - Scudamore's it's called -

all the punts are. Outside a pub there, I saw a fight.

It was the first fight I'd ever seen. I was 20, or something.

It was the first proper fight I'd ever seen. The sight of one fist

hitting someone's face made my blood sing, and I felt like being sick,

it was the most awful thing I'd ever seen.

-I cried, I actually cried.

-No.

-Honestly, I was so upset by it.

And I was also upset by the fact that I was so upset.

I thought, "Come on, Stephen, you're a grown man.

"How can you have lived all your life?"

When you think all around the world how much violence there is.

I may be a gay boy, but I'm not a complete Nancy.

I have actually knocked two people out.

Blimey!

Really?

I was in a pub when I was a teenager, and this bloke pinched my bum.

My instant reaction was to lamp him in the face.

The other time was when I was at a party and this bloke came up to me,

he was very drunk, and he pulled my dress off.

I was left standing in the middle of a party with just my pants on.

What an attractive sight that was.

I thought that it would be great for you to explore that side of yourself.

-You did, didn't you?

-Yes, I did, I am so sorry.

So, what we decided would be a great idea was to send

you for your first-ever boxing lesson.

Now, where did you go?

We went to Canning Town, the Peacock gym, Canning Town.

What were your expectations?

Were you anxious? Did you think you would be good at it?

I thought that I would be laughed at. That is understandable -

I am a flabby 54 year-old, with no experience of this kind of thing.

I'm pretty uncoordinated,

I'm not very graceful.

I just hoped they would be kind enough to me,

you know, to at least not mock me openly!

Let's have a look at it, and see how it went then.

Do you go through the middle one? Oh, dear!

If you just have a little run round the outside of the ring.

Just nice and easy.

When I say out "one", I want you to put your left hand on the floor.

-Left hand on the floor.

-Oh, oow!

Two, right hand on the floor. Two, right hand on the floor.

-It's awfully unkind.

-Three, both hands on the floor.

-Oh!

What I'm going to do, I'm going to show you a few basic moves.

Don't be stiff with it, be nice and loose.

One, it comes out nice and sharp. Nice and sharp. One, that's it.

One, that's it. One, good, good.

Go back. One, good. One.

Turn that wrist over. One, good. One, good. Push down.

Start off with a jab. That's it, good. Jab. Good. Double jab.

Double jab. One, two.

One, two. Arm. Come on.

I can't feel nothing, come on.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Push it, hard. Come on. Good, good.

Right, body shots, what we're going to do,

we're going to keep that left leg up.

That left leg has got to be facing me all the time, chin down, arms up.

Elbows in tight, Stephen. Punch hard, punch hard all the time. Good.

Keep punching, keep punching. Come on. Come on.

Come on, harder. That's it, come on. Come on.

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Good. Good.

Turn, turn, harder. Let it go. Come on, let it go.

Oow! Oow!

-Come on.

-That's hard.

Breathe. Well done.

HE GRUNTS

APPLAUSE

I thought, for someone that's never chinned anyone

that was really impressive. Don't you think so, audience?

APPLAUSE

And actually, we do indeed have Andre Olley here,

who was your trainer. Hi, Andre.

Hello there. Hi, Stephen.

Andre, you were so kind to me, honestly,

but I'm still slightly suffering.

It is the hardest work I've ever done in the shortest space of time.

As I said to Andre at the time, you know,

I may not like the idea of people punching themselves in the face,

but anybody who can just be in a ring for one round,

I take my hat off to them. I can't tell you how exhausting it is.

And actually, the act of punching is more exhausting than being punched!

I would say, "Punch me, punch me. It's fine, keep going, keep going."

But this business...

I was just exhausted! I take my hat off to people like Andre.

I think they're incredible physical specimens and incredibly gifted,

but also they're doing a lot for the community,

so I thank you for your tolerance and kindness to me!

-Give my best to everyone at the Peacock.

-Thank you so much, Andre Olley.

You WERE good. Have you found your inner caveman?

No, I haven't!

I would still rather use sarcasm, to be honest.

Can you give me a score out of ten for your boxing experience?

Well, I have to say, although it was agony all round,

there was something profound about it,

and I have to say ten out of ten!

Fantastic.

Stephen Fry, thank you so much for embracing

that very varied number of tasks

-with such gusto and charm. Stephen Fry, everyone.

-Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

How lovely! Thank you!

# Enjoy yourself

# It's later than you think

# Enjoy yourself

# While you're still in the pink

# The years go by

# As quickly as you wink

# Enjoy yourself, enjoy yourself

# It's later than you think. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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