Episode 8 Most Annoying People

Welcome to this year's collection of the most annoying people of 2011.

Hi, are you all right?

We're going to have a good time, whatever happens.

Over the past 12 months, we've been drawing up a hit list

of the most annoying people from around the globe.

-Pop stars.

-Argh!

-Politicians...

-I'll never forgive him. I'm not returning his calls at all.

-Phone hackers...

-Staff have been putting the finishing touches to the last edition

of the News of the World because of the latest phone-hacking allegations.

All the ones that have done their best to rattle our cages and trouble our Twitter.

-We've got super injunctions...

-I have no idea. Do you know?

-What do you think of this?

-It's nothing less than huge.

And super star meltdowns.

All he talked about was hookers and drugs and money, and he's really lost.

2011 has also been the year of the unexpected.

Looters and rioters shattered our big cities.

This is going to carry on for days, innit?

So, sit back and get ready tovent with vehemence.

Tonight, we're counting down the top five most annoying people of 2011.

Rising high on our list, in more ways than one this year, is Charlie Sheen.

Hollywood is no stranger to the celebrity meltdown,

but this year Two And A Half Men star Charlie Sheen had one to beat them all.

Charlie Sheen is just a magnified example of the mad person

you meet on the bus you don't sit beside,

except he's a Hollywood star.

Charlie! Charlie! What do you think of all this?

'He is what celebrity is supposed to be.'

It's nothing less than huge.

He's entertaining and he just keeps us watching.

This year, the wild antics of the playboy, and his not one, but two Playgirl goddesses

forced production on his hit sitcom Two And A Half Men to grind to a halt.

With time on his hands, Sheen turned to Twitter to explain himself,

and in just over 24 hours

had over one million followers not understanding a single word.

I don't know, any suggestions?

'He was on every website,'

on every TV show. He was talking to everybody,

doing crazy things every single day. It got to the point

where, actually, viewers and readers became a little bit bored of him.

For his next trick, Charlie decided the time was right

to insult the man who was paying him a cool 2 million an episode to make people laugh.

But sitcom boss, Chuck Lorre, delivered the ultimatum punchline and gave him the sack.

To criticise the people that were paying him so publicly was remarkable

and, to be honest, I think I was a bit jealous, because we've all wanted to do that.

We've all wanted to just stand drunk and shout at the people that pay our wages.

Charlie Sheen, he's not frightened of anybody.

That's how I'd act if I was Charlie Sheen, up to a point,

and then Charlie took it too far.

He went from being a guy just doing these things

to becoming a show off. No-one likes a show-off.

Bouncing back from the sack, Charlie's new mantra may have been "winning",

but he was clearly losing the plot.

No-one knew exactly what he was winning,

but, when he announced a tour of his one-man show, The Torpedo Of Truth,

thousands turned up to find out.

Charlie! It's for you, buddy!

I'm gonna name my baby "Charlie"!

Whoo! Hey!

Anybody else would listen, you know. It's not how this thing works.

AUDIENCE SHOUTING

Anyway...

AUDIENCE JEERING

The people who went and saw him were pissed when there was nothing to watch.

You didn't know that there was no show.

What talent does he have? He was written for his entire life.

The way I see it, Charlie owes me 109 bucks.

-Why's that?

-Because it was kind of a waste of time.

He's not winning. I lost by going to this. I lost. I'm losing.

Charlie Sheen was asked if he was bipolar.

His answer was to say, "I'm bi-winning."

"I win here, I win there, I win everywhere"

I think he has come out of this a winner.

Charlie's had the last laugh. After suing the makers of Two And A Half Men for mental anguish,

he's come away with a settlement of 125 million.

Charlie Sheen, I am sure, will be back on our TV screens very, very soon

and he could even become one of the highest-paid members of Hollywood yet again.

Up next, an appearance from another old friend here on this show.

For Ashley Cole, 2011 has been an annoying year of guns, girls

and an unlikely reconciliation in the summer with the ex.

Cheryl Cole's had a pretty tough time.

She was very publicly humiliated, being kicked off the X Factor in the USA.

The thing that she needs is a bit of stability.

Yes, Ashley Cole's been a rat but, if you're going to offer her love and friendship, so be it.

But, of course, Ashley being Ashley, it wasn't to last.

The main reason so many of us

hate Ashley Cole is because of what he's done to our beloved Cheryl

and none of us wanted her to take Ashley back and she did, only to be let down by the guy again.

What is the matter with him? Cheryl Cole for God's sake,

giving you a fifth, sixth, seventh chance

and you do daft stuff with models from nightclubs. What's the matter with you?

I can't understand him! I can't get me head round him.

I'm annoyed. I'm furious with...

I'm just shaking with rage.

Cheryl Cole, she's hot.

You're punching well above your weight

and you still can't treat her right.

Just what on Earth goes through your head?

You cheated on one of the most beautiful women in the world

with a set of absolute skanks, who went and then made money off it.

I hope you feel proud of yourself.

But it wasn't only Ashley's love life where a bit of banging landed him in trouble.

Back in February, he got it very, very wrong

when he was told he needed to practise his shooting.

Ashley Cole was reportedly holding the rifle

when he accidently fired it.

He shot someone who was standing 5ft away.

Ashley Cole took the most powerful air gun you can buy without a licence into training.

And he's just wandering around in the changing rooms

and shoots the 18-year-old work-experience guy, Tom Cowan.

That's surely proof the guy's not all there at all.

Who would do that?

Apparently, sources say he was larking around, but what kind of lark

involves shooting the work experience with an air gun?

(TV REPORTER) Chelsea say they are dealing with the matter internally.

It's thought he'll be fined a quarter of a million by the club.

Though that's just two weeks' salary for the player.

Imagine you go to work and accidentally shoot Sonia from accounts.

You know that's game over, career finished, probably a bit of time inside.

Not Ashley Cole, though.

I think what it was is that he went into football training

thinking, "I want a change of career, I'm gonna try athletics."

"In fact, I don't want to run, I want to be the guy who starts the race". Pow!

Whispering in at number three, it's the controversial subject of...

Sh.

..super-injunctions

and the growing list of celebrities that are taking them out like...

Sh.

I think you get the idea.

# It's oh so quiet. #

Super-injunctions are the new evil.

It should be the same for everybody -

if you want to play away and you're found out, you take the consequences.

The annoying thing about it is it proves that,

if you have a lot of money, you can try to protect your personal life.

If you don't have a lot of money, then it's fair game for newspapers.

Celebrities had it so easy

when they could simply pay huge sums of money to keep details

of their private lives safely locked away inside the British legal system.

Pop star Howard Donald, journalist Andrew Marr,

and presenter Jeremy Clarkson, have all been involved

in gagging girls with their big super-injunctions.

However, the most annoying case of super-injunctivitis this year

involved hotty Imogen Thomas and a player who can only be identified as "CTB".

But who is he?

CTB. Who is he?

Honestly, I really have no idea. Do you know?

If you don't know who CTB is,

er, he's the one that slept with Imogen Thomas.

He's a Premiership footballer and his name rhymes with "Brian".

It was the most expensive worst-kept secret

since the revelation that footballers like to sleep around.

We all knew who it was. We knew who it was for ages.

If I slept with Imogen Thomas, I would want the world to know.

I would be selling my story!

I'd sell them pictures going, "Seriously, it actually happened!"

Eventually, the super-injunction was exposed, not by the courts but by 75,000 Twitter users.

People from the streets, or on social media networks said,

"You know what, we can say what we want and we've got that power now."

CTB tried to protect his hefty investment by threatening to sue the Twitter community.

He had the audacity to suggest that 75,000 Twitter users

might end up in court, so that he could protect a story, which, essentially, everybody knew about.

That is just... It's unenforceable.

You can't stop Twitter. You cannot stop Twitter.

As far as I'm concerned, getting outed on Twitter

was one of my highlights of 2011, because it's all he deserved.

Although Imogen Thomas lost her legal battle, and is still gagged to this day,

she has benefited from column inches and a revitalised career.

To be honest with you, the only annoying thing is

that Imogen Thomas is, you know, she's everywhere now.

She did this article going, "I feel I've been objectified,

"the way people are looking at me."

"My flesh has now been consumed by the public."

"I'm nothing but... I'm looked at as a slut and a sex object"

And the next paper, she was in swimwear

with a string up her arse

and, honestly, a camel toe like the army of Saudi Arabia. It was unbelievable.

"Stop objectifying me! Here's my vaj!"

So, what's the way forward for super-injunctions in 2012?

If you want to avoid the super-injunctions

and all the embarrassment, how about you just don't do BEEP?

How about that? How about you just behave?

I'd love to be doing more gagging orders.

I'd love to be up to my eyeballs in gagging orders.

The truth is super-injunctions are really annoying

and I really wish I could talk about them, but I can't!

At number two, it's a real front-page shocker.

It's been a ticking time bomb for some years,

but in 2011 the scandal of phone hacking finally exploded.

It's a story with so many candidates for most annoying.

We could fill a programme trying to work out who was the worst,

but there's no doubt which tabloid newspaper was singled out for the whole sorry mess.

After 168 years of newspaper history, tonight,

staff have been putting the finishing touches to the last edition of the News Of The World

because of the latest phone-hacking allegations.

News Of The World boss Rupert Murdoch made the shock decision

to pull the plug on Britain's best selling newspaper

when it was revealed in July that the tabloid's rife illegal phone hacking

extended to victims of crime.

It began with the devastating allegation that Milly Dowler's

phone messages were listened to and deleted by a tabloid investigator.

There's no defence for what News Of The World did. Not only was it illegal, but it was immoral.

Just the audacity that they thought they could get away with this.

They thought they could invade anyone's privacy, no matter the hell

they were going through. I'm not sure where they are,

but hopefully its cold and they're locked up. Yeah. but they're not, of course.

Latest figures suggest the News Of The World listened in on over 5,000 individuals.

But it wasn't just their mucky phone hacking habits that annoyed us.

It was also the cosy relationship the paper and its owners enjoyed

with the powers that be.

Which may explain why it's taken so long for the scandal

to become public.

REPORTER: Revealed today the extraordinary links between two British institutions,

Scotland Yard and News International.

MPs described it as a revolving door between the two organisations,

each acting like a job-placement scheme for the other.

What's annoying is the fact that nobody did anything about it.

The newspapers didn't do anything about it. The police didn't do anything about it.

The politicians didn't do anything about it. It's just rancid.

REPORTER: What about the current occupant of No 10?

He's never been photographed with Mr Murdoch, even when he was invited to visit him,

discreetly, just days after the last election.

With the full extent of phone hacking becoming clear,

politicians were given a chance in July to grill Rupert Murdoch about his knowledge of the scandal.

But the occasion ended in farce when stand up comedian Jonnie Marbles stepped forward

to let the News Of The World boss know exactly what he thought about him.

I was the guy who threw a pie in Rupert Murdoch's face.

The foam on a plate was delivered by a member of the public,

who was rewarded with a right hook from wife Wendy.

The News Of The World spent so much time telling everyone else in the world off.

At the same time, they hacked 5,000 people. They broke the law over and over again.

It shows the moral hypocrisy on the part of the tabloids.

You know, Rupert Murdoch's this almost Bond villianesque figure.

I had a plan in my head to try and say something sort of witty and acerbic,

but what I ended up saying was, "You naughty billionaire," which didn't really cover it.

But, for some, Jonnie's gesture was almost as annoying as hacking itself.

I thought he was a bit of a dick. It was just getting good

and he kind of let Murdoch off the hook a bit.

Who goes round assaulting 80-year-old men, anyway? Grow up, mate.

He threw shaving foam in Rupert Murdoch's face,

where it's meant to go.

It's like throwing a custard pie in someone's mouth.

Despite spending two weeks in jail for common assault,

Jonnie makes no apology for his stunt.

My only real regret from the whole thing

is that I pled guilty at the trial, because it would've been real fun

to call Rupert Murdoch as a witness and just do it all over again.

The scandal rumbles on.

Most annoying of 2012? Hold the front page.

Well, at least on certain newspapers.

And that's almost your lot. It's been another year full of maddening moments.

-'We've had naughty action heroes...'

-One expects better from the Kindergarten Cop.

'..the sexist TV pundits...'

-Women don't know the offside rule.

-Of course they don't!

-'..cringeworthy cricketers.'

-It's just so un-Australian, Shane!

'..and dumb footballers.'

That's Mario. He's a confused guy.

'We've been irked by Essex girls.'

Shut up.

'Left astounded by celebrity weddings...'

-Kim Kardashian does it again.

-'..and fallen fashionistas.'

Oh, my God. Anti-semitism's so hot, right now!

-'We've gone from barmy bankers...'

-I go to bed every night, I dream of another recession.

-'..to proper plankers.'

-"Hey, guess what I did last night? Some serious planking!"

'From terrible twins...'

(BOTH) J to the E to the D to the ward! Planet Jedward!

'..to pervy pop stars.'

She's gone and slutted it up.

-'Every single one of them managed to irritate us.'

-Nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh, nuh!

We can safely say that none of them annoyed the nation

as much as the mob who rampaged their way to our top spot.

August 2011 saw us shocked by mayhem and destruction

on a scale not seen on English streets for 30 years.

Almost every shop on this high street has been trashed and looted

and it's only in the past few minutes that the police have arrived in any numbers.

Anger in Tottenham at the fatal shooting by police

of young father Mark Duggan

led to rioting in the area that then fireballed out of control throughout the capital.

I don't know why people... Oh, my God! I don't know why people do this.

You don't think these sort of things would happen especially in, you know, leafy Enfield.

There were so many young 14, 15, 16-year-old youths just everywhere.

My TV was stuck on News 24 and Sky News

going back and forth, getting the latest updates.

I even missed EastEnders. I missed EastEnders to watch the news!

Over four nights, mobs of youths, some as young as 11 and 12,

ran rampage, using social networking as a means of encouraging others to loot and riot

as the disorder spread out of London to cities like Birmingham and Manchester.

The police can't do nothing.

So it's a like a freedom act, innit? Do whatever you want today, mate.

What was really annoying is that all over the Arab world,

young people were rising up and overturning their governments.

Our young people were standing around in designer sportswear, messaging on their Blackberrys,

talking about how hard done by they were

and rising up for a new pair of trainers and a fresh TV. Like...

They interviewed one girl and the question they asked was why are you doing this?

"Well, I had to get my taxes back, innit?"

This is a 15-year-old child.

People would text going, "Are you all right, mate?

"Cars are on fire, shops are being looted, people getting smashed up."

"Are you safe?"

So I would text back, "Can't talk now, trying on my brand-new pair of Nike Air High Tops."

With homes and cars destroyed,

it was surely time for Dave "Hug A Hoodie" Cameron to sort it out.

That got me the most angry. David Cameron's away on holiday.

What's going on, David? He has no excuse for that, no excuse. I'll never forgive him.

Not returning his calls at all.

On the front pages of the papers it was "Britain Burning"

and him just sipping a limonata on a terrace somewhere.

Tuscany, actually.

OK, so time for deputy Nick Clegg to step in.

No, Spain. The Home Secretary.

Switzerland. Get the Mayor, then.

Boris is still in Canada. Get him back here!

There was so much negativity that went on with the riots

that, being British, we had to make light of it.

We had to make something funny out of it. Some of the most hilarious things I heard about were the looters.

Someone running out of a Pound shop.

That has got to be the most rubbish loot ever.

A £1 multi-pack bag of crisps.

Running into a footwear shop and running out with six pairs of shoes

and being like, "Yeah!" But then they were all the left foot.

Some were tweeting on Twitter about what they were doing!

It taught us how stupid some people in London are.

If you're going to go and get something and get away with it,

and there's a chance you're gonna get caught, don't come and loot basmati rice. It doesn't make sense.

Did you see how pleased that kid was with it? He was trying to make it look really gangster.

That big bag of basmati

and him throwing, I think, the finger guns at it.

There is nothing gangster about basmati rice.

Pilau yes, we all know that(!) Safe. Down with that.

This will carry on for days, innit?

The many theories suggested as to the cause of this mid-summer madness

included over-long school holidays, rap music and violent video games.

Some scientists even claimed it was all down to geo-magnetic storms

hitting the Earth and affecting human behaviour.

We saw you and your friends smash in the windows of Dixons and you took a plasma.

"Yeah, but, that's because the planet got hit by a meteor, innit?"

That made me, like, t'ief a Samsung LED.

That's like going to court and saying,

"I'm sorry but Mystic Meg said that I must riot today,

"because I'm a Virgo

"and it says that the solar flares will cause me to smash in the window of a sports store".

Annoyed all the politicians were away topping up their tans,

the traumatised public took to Twitter to rally an army of their own.

I love the Twitter Clean Up Britain campaign.

I think it was really good

and I'm glad that that we had to come together by ourselves,

because we have the knowledge and strength, as Britonians, to come together

and sort out the mess the Government should sort out.

I think it's important to restore people's faith in mankind, basically.

It's beautiful to see that people actually do care.

When Boris finally did arrive, there were questions to be answered.

-CROWD: Where's your broom? Where's your broom?

-I just want to say thank you

to everybody who's come out here today to volunteer to help clear up the mess.

Thank you. You are the true spirit of this city.

THEY CHEER

So there you go. 2011's most annoying people taken to task.

Thank you. It was a lot of fun.

Brilliant. Thank you so much.

No doubt, next year will throw up some new additions to the most annoying hall of infamy.

All right. I'm done.

Girls Aloud are dusting off the cobwebs for their tenth anniversary tour.

England's underperforming footballers are off to the European Championship.

Then, of course, we have the Olympics to look forward to.

Here's to an annoying 2012.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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