31/12/2011 Most Annoying People

This programme contains adult humour and some strong language.

I'm Darryn Lyons and I'm one of this year's most annoying celebrities.

Giddy up, God bless you.

Welcome to this year's collection of the most annoying people of 2011.

Hi, are you all right?

ARGH!

We're going to have a good time, whatever happens.

In Britain, the more wrong it goes, the more we like it.

A year where being an annoying celebrity has reached epic new proportions.

Celebrities are always annoying people.

Over the past 12 months, we've been drawing up a hit list

of the most annoying people from around the globe.

-This beautiful flower for you.

-He's lucky Madonna didn't take that hydrangea and slap him.

-Pop stars.

-Hello, everybody.

-Politicians.

-I'll never forgive him. I'm not returning his calls at all.

Phone hackers.

Staff have been putting the finishing touches to the last edition

of the News of the World because of the latest phone-hacking allegations.

All the ones that have done their best to rattle our cages and trouble our Twitter.

What do you think of all this?

It's nothing less than huge.

We've got superstar meltdowns...

All he talked about was hookers and drugs and money, and he's really lost.

-..super-injunctions...

-How about you just don't do shit? How about that?

How about you just behave?

..and some super-enhanced bodies.

I can walk around with a T-shirt that says, "Call my agent". I'm annoying.

Geordies and gypsies gave TV a whole new breed of extra-annoying reality stars.

I thank God for everything He's done for me.

Any girl that spits in a man's face is a girl I want to be rolling with.

Pop's divas continued their battle of shock and awe...

Whips and chains. Does she want to be a jockey, a dog handler?

..whilst Justin Bieber just stank of his own perfume.

Is it for girls?

-Katie Price got herself a new man...

-I haven't got a particular type.

..Shane Warne got a new face...

There's nothing more annoying in a man than a badly-plucked eyebrow.

..and, never one to be outdone, Lindsay Lohan got herself a new prison sentence.

The fact that she just wants to nick things is just appalling.

# I wanna sing

# I wanna shout

# I wanna scream till the words dry out... #

2011 has also been the year of the unexpected.

Looters and rioters shattered our big cities.

Across the world, a new breed of sluts reclaimed the streets.

It's an attempt to reclaim the word "slut" itself.

An old boy preacher predicted the end of the world.

Did I say today? I mean next year, sorry, sorry.

But no-one could have predicted that a bridesmaid's derriere

would steal the limelight from a Royal bride.

Pippa's bum just took over the nation.

Whilst girls were busy saying, "I do",

the boys were busy saying, "I don't want politicians on my ward..."

I'm not having it. Now, out.

"..don't want women referees..."

For some reason, the offside rule is apparently like kryptonite to us.

"..and don't to talk about my 13-year-old illegitimate love child."

AS SCHWARZENEGGER: And from the cleaner, I had a child. Don't tell anyone.

So, coming up, we've got loser looters, barking brides,

a pie-wielding comedian and even a talking orange.

-Hey, Apple!

-What?

-You look fruity!

ORANGE LAUGHS

So, sit back and vent with vehemence as we introduce the most pesky,

the most irksome, and most annoying irritants of 2011.

We begin our most annoying journey with the shocking tale

of ex-cricketer Shane Warne's voyage into metrosexuality.

He was rugged.

Loves a lager.

He bulky and he's burly.

He had foibles. He had faults.

His hair smelt of cigarettes. He was pure man.

He didn't really even look like he showered, let alone groomed.

Butch Aussie, macho beer-drinking, pie-eating, baked bean-eating

Aussie man. What's happened to Warnie?

He's been...changed.

She's kind of pulled him in.

She's got this kind of, you know, bewitching way about her.

And it's interesting that Liz Hurley once played the Devil in a film

because there's something wrong with this.

Liz has got her claws and teeth and Estee Lauder

and Botox. It's just so un-Australian, Shane.

# Man, I feel like a woman... #

What has he had done to his face?

He's gone a strange shade of orange.

There is nothing more annoying in a man than a badly-plucked eyebrow.

Tweezers can be deadly in the wrong hands.

It's so kind of swollen, and he's had his teeth done,

it looks like, and his lips look weird.

Is he so whipped up into some kind of sexual frenzy by Elizabeth,

that he literally can't think any more?

It's a fascinating situation.

Well, it would be fascinating if it wasn't so annoying.

Next on our list of annoyance...

..what could be nicer than a nice refreshing ice cream?

Surely, nothing to get annoyed about here.

Rum and raisin, raspberry ripple.

# Ra, ra, ah-ah-ah... #

Not for this new Covent Garden ice cream emporium.

Breast milk.

My three boys have all been raised on breast milk.

It's the most natural, beautiful thing in the world.

It's beautiful, organic, free-range, totally natural,

good enough for my kids, good enough for our ice cream.

# You're as cold as ice... #

In February this year, the arrival of Baby Gaga ice cream,

churned from the breast milk of a mum from Leeds, caused something of a meltdown.

Sorry, the thought of it makes me feel quite ill.

Oh, God.

No, thank you.

OK...

I think it's a bit of a yuck factor, isn't it?

It smells fine.

Disgusting. Appalling. Gag-inducing.

I don't want to taste breast milk.

I don't even want to taste my own breast milk and I certainly,

God help me, don't want to taste yours.

You're bound to have a yuck factor with a breast-milk ice cream.

But when you think about it, it's the most natural thing in the world.

Westminster Council didn't agree, and seized the titty tutti frutti,

but after vigorous testing, had to admit they'd boobed

and it went back on sale to a doubtful public.

Aah, here we go.

Mmm, oh, that is actually...

That's pretty good, yeah.

What kind of a person with normal mental health

wants to eat breast-milk ice cream?

-CREEPILY:

-"Can I have a breast-milk ice cream, please?"

That's all it's going to attract.

"Can you just put one sultana on top of the...

"on top there, yes?"

"Can I have some hundreds and thousands for the areola?"

I think it's disgusting, yeah. Not very nice.

What if I develop a taste for it?

Where do I go from there?

I start breaking into hospitals, going up to sleeping women.

Someone's breastfeeding their kid on a bus and I get involved

and then I'm the creep, I'm the loser,

I'm on the front page of the paper - "pervert".

# Ra, ra, ah-ah-ah... #

Even more annoyed was pop superstar Lady Gaga,

who called the product "nausea-inducing" and detrimental to her image,

and threatened legal action unless it was taken off sale.

She's just annoyed she didn't think of it first.

Next time she comes on stage, she can come on as a giant breast

and just literally be spurted onto the stage amidst milk.

I thought she would just turn it into a publicity stunt

and just be in the kitchen with two suckers attached to her boobs going, # Ooh, la, la-la-la! #

That's the most crazy woman that we've got.

When you go crazy, you go Lady Gaga and SHE thought it was strange.

Get it off the shelves, seriously. It's weird.

# Want your bad romance. #

Have you got any more?

At 48, it's the vajazzle queen.

# When I grow up I wanna be famous... #

It's been a year of an annoyingly high profile for tabloid darling Amy Childs.

She's the girl who shot to fame on TV show The Only Way is Essex

for her intimate female decorating skills, and not much else.

Amy Childs is annoying because

all she's basically doing is putting sequins on vaginas.

How does that make you worthy of my attention?

Er, shut up.

She's not particularly talented or intelligent.

Oh, my God. I can't believe it.

She said something about wanting to be the next Jordan or something,

and that's...

What a fabulously annoying aspiration to have!

Amy's strategy for becoming this year's Katie Price began by waving goodbye to her TOWIE roots

to join other red-carpet Z-listers on this year's Celebrity Big Brother.

For Amy, going on Big Brother was just sort of a natural step for her.

I mean, she was being cut out of TOWIE because... she wasn't that interesting.

In what is essentially just a televised popularity contest,

she finished behind Jedward and behind Kerry Katona -

a woman who can't even be paid to advertise frozen buffets any more.

Is that really what you want on your CV? I don't know.

She may have been a turn-off on Big Brother, but with her very own

Channel 5 reality show and a big money supermarket ad campaign,

it looks like Amy's annoying fame is set to continue.

Maybe we're all just "well jeal".

Just because she's been on telly, she's now quite a big celebrity.

The word celebrity, it used to mean something. It feels dirty now.

I'm jealous of Amy Childs, you know.

I'm going to grow my hair long, get my tits done, get some fake tan on.

I'm there. I'm made.

Apparating in at 47...

After seven kids' books, eight movies

and over £10 billion profits, we can finally say goodbye to perky Harry.

# I'm kissing you goodbye... #

Harry Potter.

-Harry Potter, I can't believe it.

-And his big Harry wand.

I can't believe it's over.

It's absolutely been a bad spell of Harry Potter all the way through

and me, for one, I'm glad that 2011 marks the end of Harry Potter.

# I'm kissing you goodbye... #

Fine with children enjoying Harry Potter. Not OK with adults.

I've been to quite a few of the premieres before,

but I've never managed to get any autographs,

so, hopefully, today I'll do that.

My friends are like, "You've got to read the book. It's really good!"

I'll tell you what I really hate about Harry Potter -

people telling me that I have to read Harry Potter.

A long time ago, I read... the first two books.

They're like, "But you're going to love this one."

No, I know I won't love this!

It's amazing!

Hogwarts. Even the word is ridiculous.

Harry Potter is the most annoying, cos I don't know any others.

Is there a Dumbledorf? Is he a child? I don't like him.

Is there a Dumbledorf, though?

-Doobledorf?

-Dumbledore.

-I don't care.

I don't like him. I don't like him. There's a kid with red hair. I don't like him.

There's a girl. I don't like her.

But is this the last we will ever see of Potter and Co?

-It's not over.

-JK Rowling will not let it go. She's like, "It's over!

"I'm done. Here's a theme park!" "It's over. I'm done. Here's a website!"

I'm sure the film companies will find another way to wring

more money out of Hogwarts and JK Rowling and Harry Potter.

There'll be a Harry Potter burger, or God knows what, but something.

They're not going to let that go.

SCREAMING

At number 46, we've got a case of an inappropriate erection.

Two and a half years after his death,

Michael Jackson is still making news

but the crime in question wasn't anything to do with dodgy doctors

but the vision of the King of Kensington, Mohammed Al Fayed.

The ex-Harrods boss and Jackson fan belatedly decided

he wanted to pay tribute to the King of Pop by commissioning

a brand-new life-sized statue.

Al Fayed was following in a long line of other artistic attempts.

Back in 1988, we had pop artist Jeff Koons' kitsch porcelain.

Look at the expression on his face in that one.

When you've got a monkey on your lap, you shouldn't look like that.

Earlier this year, we saw Maria von Kohler's freaky tribute

to Jackson's parenting skills unveiled in London.

I reckon every statue is supposed to encourage us.

That's how we should be in life. This is wrong.

And, of course, we can't forget

Michael's OWN unassuming little number back in 1995.

One of the moments when Michael Jackson's career

was essentially considered to be over, was when he decided to

bring down, on a barge on the Thames, a huge statue of himself.

So, how and where would the eccentric Egyptian pay homage?

Fans of the Fulham football club he owns got the hump

when he decided that their home ground, Craven Cottage -

a place Jacko had visited ONCE back in 1999 -

was the ideal place for his own personal memorial to the deceased pop star.

We all know he lived and breathed Fulham.

Some of his best songs are about Fulham - Black and White,

Bad - last season against Stoke, that's what he wrote it about.

# I'm bad, I'm bad

# Really, really bad

# You know I'm bad, I'm bad

# You know it... #

It looks cheap. For a man as rich as he is, he could have thrown

a bit more money at it and made it look...just respectable.

It looks like it's been painted by a kid.

I've been coming here for 35 years and that's the silliest thing I've ever seen.

The actual statue looks more like Michael

than the Michael we know himself. It's so much more plastic, just like how Michael's supposed to be.

It makes the club look silly. It's completely out of place.

I don't know what it's got to do with.

It might seem an unlikely place to pay tribute to Michael Jackson,

but chairman Mohammed Al Fayed insisted everyone share in his enthusiasm.

If some stupid fans don't understand and appreciate such a gift

this guy gave to the world, you know, they can just go to hell.

-# Beat it

-Beat it

-# Beat it

-Beat it... #

Normally, when fans are critical of a football chairman,

the chairman does that very PR sort of thing of saying, you know,

"I respect your opinions, but this is something that's going to happen."

Al Fayed just doesn't get it.

He told them to go to hell and, if they want, go and support Chelsea.

That's how it should be done. It should be that level of honesty. I own the place. You jump on board.

-# Just beat it

-Beat it

-# Beat it

-Beat it... #

Mr Al Fayed wasn't the only celeb splashing his cash this year.

It's time for us to take a quick diversion to our top five chart

of 2011's most annoying celebrity spenders.

It's a girl's dream.

At number five, it's the Hollywood A-list couple who let the train take the strain.

Brad and Angelina wanted to go to Glasgow, where he was filming.

Most average people would get a train, or even a coach.

But no, we are going to charter our own train because we are

Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie and we need a whole train to ourselves. It was about 60,000 to do the trip.

Can you imagine chartering a whole train just for yourselves?

In at four, it's the world's most expensively dressed child.

I defy anyone to show me

a more spoiled child than five-year-old Suri Cruise.

Suri is the daughter of megastars Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes.

This is a little girl who has a £3 million wardrobe at the age of five.

When Balenciaga is designing your little girl's high heels, you've got a big problem.

At number three it's Kate Moss, who this year treated herself to her very own vineyard.

What's up with popping down the offy like everyone else?

I don't know if buying a vineyard is a good idea. She does like a drink.

At number two, it's Beyonce, who managed to annoy us by splashing

90 grand in 90 minutes on a shopping trip to London's Oxford Street.

The best thing was she went to Top Shop.

How do you spend 90 grand in Top Shop?

But even Beyonce's speed shopping looks like small change

next to our most annoying celebrity spenders of the year.

The Ecclestone sisters.

It's really horrible the way they're so crass with their money.

They're some, like, really bad tacky '80s family,

that have just like, made all their money, buying all this crass stuff -

where's the humbleness gone?

When it comes to annoying celebrity spending, no-one can compete with Tamara and Petra Ecclestone,

the daughters of billionaire Formula One boss, Bernie Ecclestone.

With Daddy being so rich,

Petra had no problem forking out £12 million on her wedding

this year, and then snapped up a modest little place for when she's in LA.

Petra Ecclestone bought the Spelling mansion for over 80 million.

I definitely think, in this age of austerity, that people who are

splashing their cash is really not something that people want to see any more.

Not to be outdone by her little sis, Tamara also hit the headlines

this year, when she blew £1 million on a new bath.

Yes, that's a million pounds on a bath.

The fact that Tamara Ecclestone recently added a £1 million

crystal bath tub to her £45 million Chelsea apartment is selfish,

I find it indulgent and I find it a little bit disgusting.

A million pound...on a bath?!

What's annoying about having a £1 million crystal bath

is you're still going to have to clean the pubes out of it.

Back to business at 45, the question of cash gets even dirtier.

# Money, money, money, money... #

Most British high streets are not awash with cash or million-pound baths.

This year, as the world's financial downturn continued,

the public became increasingly angry at the role bankers and traders played in the recession.

So, back in September, when one motormouth money man

appeared on the BBC News channel, he really got us annoyed.

A plan was announced to pump two trillion euros

into the eurozone bailout funds, and all I knew

from the guidance I'd been given

is that I was going to be getting reaction to this

'from a man called Alessio Rastani, who was an independent day trader.'

Right, can you pin down exactly what would keep investors happy,

make them feel more confident?

I happened to be watching when... What's his name now?

A man so anonymous, even HE hadn't heard of himself.

It doesn't matter how much money they want to put in,

it's not going to work.

We do a lot of these interviews where people don't necessarily

give you a particularly memorable sound bite,

but this man turned out to be really rather different.

The market is toast. The stock market is finished.

The governments don't rule the world,

Goldman Sachs rules the world.

If I see an opportunity to make money, I go with that.

He pretty much pointed out the economy is falling apart.

-We knew that anyway.

-Yeah.

He was wearing a pink tie. That was quite annoying.

We don't really care that much how they're going to fix the economy,

how they're going to fix the whole situation.

Our job is to make money from it.

They guy was just expressing

what many thousands of bankers are thinking.

I go to bed, I dream of another recession, of another moment like this.

'There was this sort of intake of breath.'

There was this metaphorical and literal collective dropping of jaws.

What I meant was I dream of a market crash

and that's kind of strange for a lot of people.

Why would anyone be dreaming of a market crash? Isn't that a bad thing?

For God's sake, I dream of werewolves and flying,

but you don't see me on the news crowing on about it.

The biggest risk people can take right now is not acting.

-Do you dream about the economy at night?

-I try not to.

-Yeah.

'As I walked out of that TV studio on that day,'

I noticed that something was wrong.

Even the people around me in the studio and the reception

were looking at me - they'd seen what I'd just said on TV.

I sensed there's something different, something wrong.

And the reaction by the end of that night was huge -

newspapers talking about it. The next day, reporters calling me.

I've got Forbes Magazine, New York Magazine calling me

and I couldn't understand what's going on, so it was unbelievable.

-# Money talks

-Listen... #

Alessio's outspoken claims

were dismissed by some as attention-seeking antics,

but they did attract invitations from the biggest names on TV to explain himself.

His whole attitude was quite annoying.

Apparently, he's going to get very rich off of this depression now

and we have to do something about it. I'll get annoyed.

I'll throw a brick through my television next time I see him on there.

I heard that I'd been selected for the most annoying people of 2011.

I think, if anything, I've been annoyingly accurate.

What he's actually done, is he's told us where bankers stand

and much as many of us thought, it's directly behind us

with a scalpel, draining us of our life blood.

-# Money talks

-Listen... #

At 44, it's the rapper who's getting more famous for his rants than his rhymes.

Kanye West - the man that put the C into rap.

Kanye is definitely the most self-absorbed

and conceited rapper out there, because he's under

the assumption that everyone is constantly

concerned with him and what he's doing in his personal life.

Whining West took annoyance to new heights this year

when he elevated himself to being up there with the most hated man in history.

My God, Kanye, you've done it this time. Comparing himself, now, to Hitler.

# Springtime for Hitler, and Germany... #

Unfair, obviously. Hitler at least had some people that liked him.

# Don't speak I know just what you're saying... #

Even that comparison, he meant it as like, "Ah, I'm a victim".

But you're still comparing yourself to a man

who tried to take over the world.

It's still arrogant. No matter what he says, it's arrogant.

Comparing yourself to Hitler is a bit extreme, and it's going to make headlines.

He's definitely courting a little controversy, and he loves that.

Whenever I hear him talk, I think, remember when he had a car accident and had his jaw wired shut?

Those were good times.

Renowned for his own bizarre sense of style, Kanye's next annoyance in 2011

was a bid to become king of the catwalk,

launching his very own diffusion line for dames at Paris Fashion Week.

His fashion collection? Annoying and a huge, huge disaster.

Now he's taken to leading a line in fashion of harem pants and ladies' cardigans.

What? What is going on there?

The stuff that he created for Louis Vuitton

made me throw up in the store and then I had to purchase the shoes.

With the fashion fallout, what should the Hitler of hip-hop do next?

Your music is good. Just rely on that.

Stop tweeting out annoying things. Stop taking yourself too seriously.

I just think his ego has gotten enormously, gigantically massive.

I think what would be best for the world in 2012

is if Kanye West becomes a mute.

At number 43, some mothers who maybe DON'T know best.

# What would my mama do? #

2011 has seen the rise of the horrible, pushy, showy mum

who wants their daughter to be famous,

whatever the cost and, unfortunately, that cost

seems to be their appearance, their health, their general wellbeing.

# I whip my hair back and forth... #

In 2011, pushy mums have been slapped across the nation's headlines

for indulging their darling daughters just a little too much

and one British mum whipped us into a frenzy for confessing

she'd Botoxed her seven-year-old child in a deranged bid

to help her daughter find fame like her idol, Willow Smith.

# So keep the party jumpin'... #

Disgusting. How can you put Botox into a child's face?

If she has got lines on the face, sort yourself out, love.

Have a clay face mask.

Don't you just hate it when you hit five

and Mother Nature starts taking her toll?

It all goes and it all goes south. Those non-existent boobs that you've developed

are hanging by your ankles.

It's just ridiculous. I mean, what are these women thinking?!

# And now you wanna pretend that you're a superstar... #

But our most annoying plastic parent of 2011 goes to Sarah Burge.

She's spent half a million turning herself into a Botox Barbie

and thinks her daughters should totter in her tiny footsteps.

# When everyone's gone and you are by yourself... #

Seven-year-old Poppy and mother Sarah Burge bond over beauty so much

that 50-year-old Sarah has given her little girl a voucher

for breast implants, that she can use when she turns 18.

The only thing a seven-year-old should be deciding

is whether she wants to watch Peppa Pig or Blue Peter.

There's no need for her to be deciding if she wants bigger boobs, bigger lips or anything.

I'm almost lost for words, which doesn't happen very often.

It's absolutely sick. It's warped. It's crazy.

Someone needs to speak to this woman.

Sarah justified her pushy parenting earlier this year on BBC Three show Botox Britain.

The problem is that every girl starts to think, "I need to look a certain way

"and address it", and for me, that is a depressing horror future.

It might well be, but that's a reality of life, isn't it?

The playground is ruthless. It's like being on a fashion parade going to school.

Mums justify it by saying, "Well, look at my daughter.

"They ask for it. They want it." I asked for a pet dinosaur when I was seven.

It was neither feasible nor possible. OK?

And that should be the same with your seven-year-old daughter wanting tits.

Do not allow it to happen.

All these crazy moms out there,

it should be, "Here's your boob job, here's your tattooing of eyebrows

"and here's your therapist that I will personally pay for

"from the ages of 15 to 30, when you start slutting it up."

Popping up next is reluctant role model, Rihanna.

More used to being number one, this Barbadian balladeer only makes it in at number 42

on our parade of annoyance.

Get lo-o-o-o-oud!

Indeed, some question what the saucy songstress is doing here at all.

I'm shocked that Rihanna's on the most annoying. I think she's... I think she's brilliant.

I love Rihanna.

I love all her music videos. Not her music, just the videos.

# Cos I may be bad But I'm perfectly good at it... #

Raunchy Riri was in our face straightaway this year

with this kinky chorus banned from a dozen countries and daytime Radio One.

# Chains and whips excite me... #

My little sister is nine years old.

I don't want my little sister talking about S&M.

Damn you, Rihanna, stop that.

No, you're a role model, behave yourself.

# I like it, like it... #

These women put flashlights on their vaginas

and have fireworks shooting out of their breasts.

They're not a moral compass.

They are to dance around and blow-dry your hair to.

# M, M, M S, S, S, and... #

It's really gotten extreme. Just when I wanted to like Rihanna, she's slutted it up.

Now, when a farmer in Northern Ireland agreed to

lend his field to a film crew for a pop video, he had no idea what he was letting himself in for.

Being Rihanna, she'd forgot to pack any clothes,

so she was in there in the field jumping around, and most people

would be happy about this, apart from one person. That was the farmer.

# We don't have to take our clothes off

# To have a good time... #

The farmer told her, "Look, this isn't going on.

"I'm a Christian here. I don't want this filth in my field."

Not only that, all the traffic stopped to watch and perve.

He went over to her and he said,

"You shouldn't have to take off your top to make a living".

And in one fell swoop, this small Northern Irish farmer

landed sort of a feminist critique

that hundreds of politicians or feminists couldn't land.

You're the most powerful woman in music right now.

Why do you think you still have to run around topless?

"Oh, because I'm liberated. It makes me feel sexy."

You're in a field in Northern Ireland.

# Now we're standing side by side... #

Can you imagine that happening to Madonna or even Britney Spears?

No chance, no chance.

"Superstar gets tits out and gets told off by a farmer."

It's kind of not a sexy headline, is it?

# We found love in a hopeless place... #

I don't think she'll be losing any sleep about people telling her what she should or shouldn't be doing

and, sadly, I don't think she'll lose much sleep about

being considered an annoying person of 2011.

# Hopeless place... #

At number 41, it's the Sperminator.

Arnold Schwarzenegger has been particularly annoying this year

because we found out that the Terminator wasn't a hero.

In fact, he was a cheat - cheated on his wife,

sired an illegitimate child with his housekeeper.

One expects better from the Kindergarten Cop.

Yes, 2011 was the year that it was revealed the Terminator

had turned sperm donator.

In May, Arnie shocked Hollywood when he announced he was splitting

with his wife, Maria Shriver, after 25 years of marriage.

Now there are so many people that I want to thank,

but I want to start first with my wife Maria.

CHEERING

We then found out the reason for the break-up was that Arnie's missus had got wind of the fact

that her cleaner's son might have a secret dad.

Maria, his wife, suddenly noticed a strange similarity

between the housemaid's son and her husband.

She confronted the housemaid and realised Arnie had been playing away.

AS SCHWARZENEGGER: And from the cleaner, I had a child. Don't tell anyone.

# Got to love ya Got to love ya... #

My question is, how, physically, do you have sex with Arnold Schwarzenegger?

I mean, the guy is so ripped.

I would imagine, when he ejaculates, it's just going to come

crashing out of the top of your skull, through the headboard,

through the wall and into the living room.

I have a great time doing it. I have a very good physical background.

"I'm going to come." Booff!

The result of Arnie's supersonic secret sexual encounter

was the now 13-year-old Joseph Bueno.

His mother, Patty, had been a cleaner at the Schwarzenegger house for the last, er...13 years!

It might have taken a long time for Maria to work out what had gone on,

but why did it take the former governor of California so long to reveal the truth?

The really annoying thing about all of this is the fact

that he must have known about this for longer, but kept it all quiet

while he was in political office, and that's pretty low, I think.

Old-school Arnie's proven he can keep a secret,

but modern stars have trouble keeping ANYTHING to themselves.

2011 has been the year that even more celebrities have taken to Twitter,

but who knew so many of them would be serving up such dire drivel?

Here, with their very own dodgy spelling and grammar,

are the year's top five tiresome tweeters.

At number five, it's Mel B who irritated us

with this romantic tweet back in June.

I actually got into a huge barney with Mel B this year,

which was quite well documented on Twitter, but actually it was all sparked by this tweet.

A whole load of victims of rape were really disgusted by it.

It was just a ridiculous comment, and she has to be

one of those celebrities who should just be banned from Twitter.

Wayne Rooney is at number four,

after he tried his hand at social commentary following the summer riots.

I don't think he's really one to be judging people on, you know,

just cos you haven't got a job you can burn down buildings.

I don't think he should be casting wider views on society

when he sleeps with grannies.

At number three, Duncan Bannatyne turned gangster,

after a mysterious Russian sent threatening tweets to his daughter.

I was upset that on the new series of Dragons' Den

they didn't go, "And first in the Den tonight is Yuri from Moscow.

"He's looking for £25,000 for his new kidnapping business."

You can imagine Duncan's response.

At number two, 50 Cent managed to annoy us

by making light of the horrific tsunami that destroyed parts of Japan in March.

LOL.

If ever there was a time for an LOL, it is

definitely when there is a massive earthquake in Japan.

It's ridiculous. You'd think that somebody like 50 Cent would have somebody

monitoring their tweets. There would be some checks in place. But no.

50's 140-character thoughts might have irritated us this year,

but that's nothing compared to bad-boy footballer, Joey Barton,

a man who has undergone something of a Twitter-aided transformation in 2011.

Joey Barton - footballer by day,

deep-thinking Twitter philosopher by night.

It's like finding out BNP leader Nick Griffin is a reggae DJ in his spare time.

Joey Barton, footballer, a man once famed for stubbing out a lit cigar

in the open eye of one of his disbelieving team-mates

has overcome a kind of cultural intellectual revolution, and become Renaissance man on Twitter.

This year, Joey has developed the habit of quoting writers and philosophers in his tweets.

When he fell out with his old club, Newcastle, in July, he tweeted the following.

I don't really trust Joey Barton's tweets when they're Orwell.

I get the impression he's getting these quotes off a website.

I don't think he's trawling through Orwell's books, picking out a really meaningful quote.

Maybe the reason we aren't convinced by Joey's literary musings

is because most of his tweets reveal a more basic side to his hashtag philosophy.

He called the TOWIE cast "ball bags" and "retards", which is not a PC thing to say.

Particularly if you're a footballer like him.

It wasn't only the TOWIE cast who've been on the end of a Twitter bashing from Joey this year.

He gets criticised once on Match Of The Day

and he has a go at Alan Shearer's hairline and his shirt.

He showed that he was actually, at heart, a real philosopher.

Jean-Paul Sartre would be proud today.

Next, a social media slip-up that led to career suicide.

What would this show be without a politician embroiled in a sex scandal?

I did not have sexual relations with that woman.

You may not recognise his face, but millions now recognise his crotch.

Oh, Anthony Weiner.

Anthony Weiner is the penis guy.

We didn't know Anthony Weiner at all until he did this.

Congressman Anthony Weiner was immediately caught

after he tweeted a picture of his penis to a girl.

He thought he was sending a picture of his penis

to one particular woman, but he sent it to everyone who followed him.

It's kind of like when you hit "reply all", basically.

It's a classic mistake for penis showers.

This year's big political cock-up involved a man

previously little known in the UK, Anthony Weiner,

the honourable member for New York's Ninth Congressional District.

The gentleman is providing cover for his colleagues, rather than doing the right thing.

Republican blogger Andrew Breitbart, having discovered the tweeted pictures,

posted them online, and soon Weiner was dish of the day.

He showed his wiener and his name is Weiner. How ironic.

You should have seen the New York headlines.

The New York Post - "Weiner Pulls Out."

The New York Times - "Weiner Gets Grilled."

I mean, you couldn't make it up.

"Obama beats Weiner." You know what they're suggesting there.

# Don't wanna be an American idiot... #

Weiner denied the tweeted crotch was his, and claimed his account had been hacked.

The problem with Anthony Weiner was he handled it the wrong way.

-Not his wiener.

-Not his wiener. His wiener was fine.

-He handled that well.

-And it was a little small.

I didn't send the photograph. That was... This hacker did.

I didn't send it to the woman in question.

She didn't get it. She's made a statement to that effect.

I saw it immediately, took it down.

And then by the next weekend, his wife was ready to leave him

and it was him and then another picture had leaked where

we had actually seen even more of his wiener.

I just loved how quickly his arrogance turned on a dime.

He's just categorically like, "How dare you?

"How dare you imply that I would do something like that to...

"Yeah, that was my dick. I'm sorry."

Last Friday night, I tweeted a photograph of myself that I intended

to send as a direct message as part of a joke to a woman in Seattle.

Once I realised I had posted it to Twitter, I panicked,

I took it down and said that I had been hacked.

He apologised at an old folk's home, which was great because I'm sure they were like,

"What does tweeting his penis mean? I think I might do that every night accidentally."

I brought pain to people I care about the most, and people who believed in me.

Weiner was forced to quit, and face the wrath of pregnant wife, Huma Abedin.

The happy couple are expecting their first child in December,

hopefully in time to buy him this year's must-have toy.

There is an Anthony Weiner doll out.

It's sort of like Pinocchio, only the part that grows is lower.

"Hey, there's a girl!" Who-o-o-op!

"Hey, I got caught!" Who-o-o-o.

Overstaying its welcome at 39

is the technology we've all gotten very tired of -

3D.

-3D is shit.

-3D, yeah, it's just a joke.

I think unless you're a techie nerd,

I'm just not that interested in 3D stuff.

Yes, in 2011, the thrill of paying over the odds

to look like an idiot at a 3D movie has grown increasingly annoying.

It is absolutely pointless.

What is the reasoning behind having a film in 3D?

I did see Harry Potter in 3D. I was told that that was a must.

And it's great, it's cool,

but it doesn't really add to my enjoyment of the film.

I think I would have enjoyed the film anyway.

It was good in the '80s, when you had Jaws and the glasses for free

and Jaws was in 3D. It was brilliant, that was.

But now they've got 3D this, 3D that.

Not content with pushing overpriced movie tickets,

the men in suits are now pushing 3D into your living room.

I can't even really get reception in my house, so 3D would be, like, really state of the art.

I'd quite like a 3D TV just so, when I had a party, I could put it on and show off about it.

I won't be buying a 3D television. I'd be, um, doing something better.

I think the 3D TVs are definitely for the techie show-offs

that want the next thing, but I think the joke's on them now,

because it's not really kicked off and they just look like geeks.

But if watching puppies and footballers in stupid glasses wasn't annoying enough,

back in March, thousands of twitching techies

joined the bandwagon to purchase the all-new Nintendo 3DS.

The world-famous console was, this time, in 3D.

You didn't need glasses, but you did need £250 and no shame.

It's a fad. It's a very expensive fad. It's not going to last.

I don't know. I don't think that's really necessary, to have a little dog in the screen

that's paw can come up slightly towards you.

I don't really understand that. It doesn't really do it for me.

It was a shame for Nintendo. It appeared that 3D wasn't what the techies wanted either.

Sales - as well as the price of their new console - plummeted

and the company reported a loss for the first time in years.

I will not have it. Stop 3D now!

Breaking a sweat at 38, it's a form of exercise that's been growing like wildfire in 2011.

-Zumba.

-Zumba. Zumba.

# Cha-de-de-de-de. #

Zumba has got it going on.

Can you actually tell the difference whether someone is Zumba-ing or they're being Tasered?

It's just somebody doing this. Zumba, Zumba, Zumba.

Zumba. I charge four quid for that.

Created by one Beto Perez, Zumba classes are a bizarre clash

of '80s aerobics...

# Let's get physical... #

..and '90s Macarena.

# Hey, Macarena! #

And, in 2011, it has been turning women across the globe into Zumba zealots.

Please stop for your own benefit because if you've got kids,

when they grow up, they've got to put up with looking you in the eye.

# One, two, three, four Uno, dos, tres... #

These Zumba zombies have been trying to get everyone addicted

to its annoying mix of Latin and Lycra.

# You know I want ya I know you want me... #

Zumba is a great cardio workout. You get great legs.

You get a toned stomach because you're constantly,

gyrating, rotating, shaking.

There's three types of people in this world -

people who don't bother doing exercise,

people who do exercise, or people who think

finding some sort of gimmicky thing that's either on a DVD or goes on in a local church hall

on a Wednesday will somehow make you ultimately fit and healthy.

Instead of having a Ryvita, which is really boring,

you can be sexy, Zumba away, and look fit. It's perfect.

"Darren's teaching you all Zumba this week. It's going to be great.

"You're all going to lose that fat off your arses."

You're not, because you'll go home, watch the Coronation Street omnibus and have 15 packets of biscuits.

I think that people who don't like Zumba

and who are annoyed by it are probably intimidated by it,

because I think it takes a tremendous amount of courage to go out there

and really move your body in a sexual way in front of everyone.

I think if the men actually went to Zumba,

they'd probably enjoy it, because there are a lot of ladies jiggling around in not many clothes.

# Let's get loud... #

I really, really, really, really, really hate Zumba.

The zest for Zumba reached a peak earlier this year

when an army of 3,500 fitness fans Zumba-ed en masse in London.

It was for charity, which was good, but its deadly spell

hooked a host of celebrities into its sweaty clutches.

It's like a secret society, slowing building up the numbers

until, one day, Zumba will take over the world

and everybody is going to be bloody Zumba-ing. Well, I won't be.

I'll be on top of that clock tower with a rifle picking them all off one by one because I hate it.

I hate Zumba.

Rolling in at 37, some travellers went off-road

and right onto our TV screens, making Gypsy Weddings the surprise water-cooler topic of the year.

# Gypsies, tramps and thieves... #

It's built their reputation that they're weird, fantastical beings

that have these elaborate weddings and live under bridges.

# Gypsies, tramps and thieves... #

I reckon Katie Price is gutted, absolutely gutted.

There she was thinking, "No-one can outdo me

"when it comes to weddings and tackiness", and then these gypsies

come along with their huge dresses and cakes the size of a room.

She's livid.

# L-I-F-E G-O-E-S O-N

# You've got more than money and sense, my friend... #

Any culture that spends more time making an elaborate wedding dress

than they do building foundations for an actual house, is fine by me. They're amazing people.

# What you don't have now will come back again... #

Forget fake '80s shoulder pads, we're talking killer kitsch here.

And what some viewers struggled with were the freakish fairytale dresses

the gypsy brides wore for their big day.

Have you seen these dresses? I mean, they have their own postcode.

Hello?

You just want something that's kind of feminine, elegant,

comfortable. Theirs were none of these things.

I've had a lot of people say to me,

"Don't you go overboard with your children?"

And you've got to tell them, "I give my child what she wants."

Listen, your child is born, it's a Christening you're going to give her,

Holy Communion you're going to give her, a Confirmation you're going to give her, and a wedding.

There's only four things you have to give her that are major.

# Goin' to the chapel... #

Gypsy go-to dressmaker Thelma Madine provided most of the crinoline creations we were all talking about.

Every one of these girls are really young

and it's like a fairytale wedding is what they want,

and they actually bring us videos of Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty.

They want this type of dream wedding dress.

They want it big and special.

They could barely walk in them, and that itself was really unattractive.

They're kind of walking like a cowboy down the aisle.

We actually tell them, so it comes with a warning sign

that your hips will be cut and bruised and you will be in pain.

It doesn't seem to put them off. That's what they want.

# Today's the day... #

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think you should actually be

paralysed by your own wedding dress.

When you see people with bleeding lesions because their dress

is actually so heavy, I think there's something a bit wrong about that.

It's supposed to be the happiest day of your life.

Has to wear trainers. That's a joke, isn't it?

You give them a large sum of money, and she's wearing trainers.

She needs to balance,

and with a heel that big you won't keep your balance.

If your daughter wants to be a princess, I'll make her a princess.

Slipping in at 36, there's even more wedding-related irritation.

Remember this? For most of us, it was a great moment -

we found out we'd be getting an extra day off work.

But for artist Jennifer Rubell,

it was the inspiration to create 2011's most annoying bit of art.

The chance to play Princess Kate to your very own wax Wills.

# You make me feel like

# I'm living a teenage dream

# The way you turn me on... #

The thought occurred to me it would be fun to be her going in

and putting my arm in and being the one with the ring on and I think it's a feeling a lot of women have

of this fantasy of meeting Prince Charming and he asks you

to marry him, and you're at the palace making your announcement.

Unlike you though, Jennifer, marrying William isn't every girl's dream.

It's assuming you would WANT to feel like a princess, as if you're kind of a six-year old girl that still

dresses in Woolworths Ladybird collection. It's a bit weird, isn't it?

The waxwork didn't really look like Prince William.

If something that looked like that proposed to me, I would have to say no anyway.

His nose is all funny. I wouldn't want to marry him.

Jennifer's...creation was on show for four weeks at a private London gallery,

but not everyone has been convinced of its artistic merits.

She's called it Engagement. She was going to call it Wills Pops The Question

but she didn't want to baffle people with layers of metaphor.

I found it quite annoying that it was called art.

Does it belong in the art gallery or does it belong at the end of Brighton Pier?

Part of occupying that moment is how you feel, because you slide your finger through

and you have this feeling of kind of like, "I'm a princess".

My only regret is that I didn't get to go in person

because I've always harboured a somewhat fanciful dream

of slipping my finger up Kate Middleton's ring.

If nothing else, Jennifer's tribute to Wills and Kate allowed art lovers and tourists the chance

to save some serious money on a ticket to Madame Tussauds.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, is that Prince William? Oh, my God, I thought it was real!

I thought it was real for a minute. Ah, my God. Ah, he's fit.

Can I actually pose with him? Can I pose with Prince William?

Guess what pose I'm going to do. It's going to be disgusting.

At 35, what a load of old plankers.

Originally known as the dead man, in 2011 planking has become

an internet sensation with plankers all over the world.

Planking is basically lying down.

Most people can lie down quite easily,

but now they've given it a different name, it's suddenly cool.

# You better believe I'll stand my ground, boy

# I won't take it lying down... #

How dull do you have to be

if posing as a piece of wood

makes you more exciting?

To me, planking is the worst extreme sport there is. It's lazy.

It's basically one of those things that inspires

the biggest idiots and dickheads in the world

to think they're doing something crazy.

"Hey, guess what I did last night? Some serious planking."

Didn't you lay down? That's all you actually did.

I did a plank on a post box. That's right. Postman Plank.

That's me.

It just came to me like an epiphany.

I've never, ever planked before but I thought,

let me make my first plank an epic one.

And what more epic can you get than a Grand Canyon,

a big hole in the world? And it got set up.

I put it on Twitter. I put it on Facebook.

I got 200 likes and that's what I live for.

I live for the likes.

I don't understand it.

It makes me feel slightly nervous

because what's no-one thinking of? Health and safety.

Planking is the start of an episode of Casualty, isn't it?

Are they thinking about the consequences,

about my tax money paying for their injuries? They're not, are they?

Be warned, viewers - planking can be fatal.

It cost 20-year-old Acton Beale his life when he fell from

a balcony of a block of flats in Brisbane after he tried to plank on some railings.

Do it over some sort of soft cushioning.

Do it over Rihanna.

Planking has spawned a host of other "ings", all with one thing in common -

they're annoy-ING.

# Batman... #

Batmanning, to me, yeah, there's a little bit of skill there.

That is the sort of thing that's not high-end,

it's not David Copperfield, but still there's something to it.

I don't know where this could go. It literally could go anywhere, couldn't it, you know?

We've gone on from the planking and moved onto the owling.

You know what? As far as all the "ings" go - planking, saluting, shagging -

they're all going to be fun. None of them will ever be as popular as wanking.

# Batman... #

Batmanning. Extreme sport.

Now for some infuriating fruit.

Hey, Apple. Hey, Apple.

Hey, Apple.

Hey, Apple, Apple, hey.

Hey, Apple.

What? What? What is it?

Orange you glad I didn't say "Apple" again? Ha-ha-ha!

Annoying, isn't it?

Ble, ble, ble, ble.

# Got my orange crush... #

This cackling citrus has taken the pith.

Tediously tango-ing us to new levels of vexation

via his own YouTube channel.

-Wow, you really are an apple.

-I am not.

Hey, hey, Apple. Ha-ha-ha!

Annoying Orange is exactly as it's described. It's extremely annoying.

OK, gotta take this. Hold on.

You've got the cob.

-Ble-ble...

-Knock it off!

-Ha-ha-ha!

I had been doing YouTube for a really long time

and did these short one-off videos and I've done a lot of talking-food videos before as well

and one night the idea popped in my head.

Hey, let's do another one of those talking-food videos.

And I uploaded it.

-Hey, Apple.

-What?

-You look fruity.

Ha-ha-ha!

A couple of days later, it hit close to a million hits

and I was like, wow, this is crazy. And from then I just kept getting more and more e-mails from fans

saying, "Hey, you should make another one". So I made another one.

That one, in a couple of days, got a million hits and just from there, I just kept getting more and more

and more fan mail saying, "Make more, make more!"

For crying out loud, would you stop yabbering for longer than three seconds? I can't hear myself think!

'But since then, I've been making a new episode every Friday.'

He has over two million subscribers on YouTube,

9.5 million fans on Facebook and over 250,000 Twitter followers.

-Yello?

-Whassup?

-What's up?

-What's up?

-Err...

-Aaargh...

-ARGH!

-Errr...

-Ahhh!

-Ahhh!

-Ahhh!

-ARGH!

-Ohhh!

-Ohh!

ARGH!

I have sat through crazy frogs and fuzzy things

and shouty puppets and S Club 7.

I am willing to go with The Annoying Orange. So it's good.

You stick a face on stuff, it's funny.

-Hey, Apple.

-What?

-Can you do this?

-Ne ne ne ne...

-No.

-..ne ne ne ne ne!

I love the whole thing. The ne ne ne ne.

-Ne ne ne ne ne ne!

-Ne ne ne ne...

-Shut up!

-Ha-ha-ha.

That's what you did when you were four years old and it's still funny.

Ne ne ne ne.

OK, you've made your point. Stop it.

I don't mind animals being able to speak in cartoons,

but, you know, an orange being able to speak?

-Ah, God, you are so irritating.

-I'm not irritating. I'm an orange.

-Hey, Apple.

-I'm not talking to you.

He just doesn't stop. He just constantly goes and goes and goes and goes.

Yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam, yam!

What?!

-Knife.

-ARGH!

Whoa!

I've created a monster.

Orange, orangey-orange!

A monster that is no longer content with mere internet stardom,

Agent Orange has bigger plans to really give us the pip.

We've completed a pilot so far and we're just shopping round to different networks -

I can't talk too much about it, but it is a lot bigger than the web series.

If there is a television series featuring the Annoying Orange,

then I know there is absolutely no hope for television. It's over.

Ble, ble, ble, ble...

Would you please be quiet?!

I felt thrilled when you guys approached me about Orange being on the list.

-What? What list?

-If there's anyone that Annoying Orange is in competition with

for most annoying, it's probably Charlie Sheen.

Hey, hey, Charlie. You can't beat me! You can't even beat an egg. Ha-ha-ha!

He did a lot in 2011. He had quite the year, and I would like to say that Orange

was more annoying than Charlie Sheen...

Hey, I'm not annoying.

-..but I don't know if that's possible.

-Ble, ble, ble, na, na, na!

At 33, we're experiencing a sense of deja vu.

This time last year, one of 2010's most annoying people was this clown.

Our burning of the Koran is to call the attention that something's wrong.

US pastor Terry Jones had the delightful idea of burning copies of the Islamic holy book,

the Koran, as a way of marking the anniversary of 9/11.

Guess what? This year we've been irritated by yet another potty pastor

with a fondness for predicting the end of the world.

According to Harold Camping, a religious broadcaster in California, tomorrow is Judgment Day,

when true believers are sent to Heaven and the rest of us are left behind to suffer the Apocalypse.

He's said it before and he did it this year.

He said that the world was going to end on May 21st.

There is just no reason in the world, no possibility that it will not happen.

Harold Camping based his bold prediction on calculations he had made using the Bible.

Amazingly, many Americans even bought it.

A lot of people are hardcore believers in Christianity in this country,

and they will believe whatever a pastor or a priest tells them.

There were big billboards everywhere, people handing out fliers.

So it's this huge deal. People went to Times Square on the day

waiting with their bags packed. Why would you bring anything to Heaven? I'm sure it'll all be there for you.

# This is the end... #

With Harold predicting Armageddon at 6pm on May 21st,

crowds gathered across America to see what would happen.

CLOCK CHIMES

The end of the world! Warn the people!

Guess what? You're not going to believe this. It turned out he was wrong.

# It's the end of the world as we know it... #

Judgment day is cancelled! Yay!

Thank God for that!

It all left Harold's poor old believers a bit confused though.

Well, obviously I hadn't understood it correctly, because we're still here.

So, how do you explain that then, Harold?

I'm not embarrassed about it. It's just the fact that it was...

It was...premature.

Everyone in the world knew that he thought the world was going to end

and then it didn't, making him the biggest fool of the entire world.

Obviously, predicting the end of the world must be a tricky business.

But for Harold, it's a business which is also very lucrative.

A recent audit of his organisation, Family Radio,

valued it at 72 million with most of its income coming from donations.

All the people who follow his church or listen to his radio programme freaked out. So what did they do?

They took all of their life savings and they donated it to him.

When the world didn't come to an end, Harold Camping didn't give them the money back.

Just... "Ah, did I... Did I say today?

"I meant next year, sorry, sorry. There was my watch.

"It's... Oh, I need to get a new one.

"Thankfully, you all donated your money to me so I'm going to get a Rolex."

The world literally does come crashing around us now

to the tunes of 2011's most annoying pop and our top five most maddening music.

# Every day I'm shufflin'... #

In at number five it's LMFAO, the American duo

with the amazing pop pedigree, but terrifically annoying tunes.

What's really depressing about that, is that one of the band members is the son of Berry Gordy.

Berry Gordy who set up Motown, one of the most influential

and important record labels of the 20th Century

and the fact that his son is doing the Party Rock Anthem,

when he could be making important soul music for the next generation, is just really depressing.

At four, we're playing a game of spot the difference.

The Wanted made it big this year.

# You cast a spell on me Spell on me... #

There they are, doing their thing,

doing proper standard boy band videos out on beaches.

Aren't they pretty? Wonderful. And then we get One Direction...

# So c-come on

# You got it wrong... #

Which seemed to be like a Mini Me version of The Wanted

with an identical video, just with slightly younger people in it.

Come on, guys, can't you be a bit more original?

# I look into your e-e-e-eyes... #

# La, la-la-la-la La-la, la-la, la-la-la-la, la... #

At number three, it's J Lo with the dodgiest sample of the year.

-Anyone for the Lambada?

-You can't really have the sample of forbidden dance -

the Lambada - in your track. There's a reason why it's forbidden.

That high, whiney vocal. # Da na na na ne... #

That's just like nails on a chalk board.

# If you got it Clap your hands on the floor... #

# Day-O Me say day-ay-O

# Daylight come and we don't wanna go home... #

Jason Derulo is next, with a two-for-one offer that made us want to tell him to bog off.

This song mixes The Banana Boat Song and Robin S's Show Me Love,

and it's the worst thing you could ever do.

I think it kills the mash-up for ever. It's a terrible song.

# Day-O Me say day-ay-o... #

# My swagger's in check Get on the floor! #

But not even Jason could match what was undoubtedly the most annoying song of the year.

# My swagger's in check Get on the floor! #

Yes, it's Cher Lloyd's Swagger Jagger or should that be Oh, My Darling Clementine?

# Swagger jagger Swagger jagger

# You should get some of your own... #

Cher Lloyd and I are not natural musical bedmates,

yet she got in my head like an infected worm.

Swagger Jagger was all I sang for about two weeks.

You know, I lost friends over that, Cher.

# You should get some of your own... #

But isn't the whole point of Swagger Jagger that you're nicking

someone else's style and looking like someone else?

She has been dubbed the mini Cheryl Cole,

so there's a bit of irony going on there.

But one man we did all want to shout at this year makes it to number 32 on our list.

It's the highly annoying hairdresser, James Brown.

-I want to get out. I want to get out.

-Go that way.

-Oh...

Usually famous for teasing the tresses of supermodel Kate Moss,

February 2011 saw James basking in his very own limelight.

James has got a new series called Great British Hairdresser. Is that you?

Well, I'm training new hairdressers to become me.

His growing popularity was almost as mysterious as his language.

Very soft. Super, super simple Very erratic.

Lovely, lovely soft texture.

Quite lumpy.

But the cue to become the next egomaniac celebrity hairdresser

dwindled dramatically when James's big mouth went wild

backstage at this year's BAFTA awards, shocking everyone.

There must have been a sale on the word "nigger" that day,

because he just couldn't let it go.

So it's like three for five on the nigger. Jesus!

Surely once is enough. Eight times? Come on, now, that's abuse!

I tell you what does annoy me, though. Who was counting?

Who was doing the tally? Like, one, two...

Instead of stopping it, you was counting? Eight times?

The man keeping the count, and bearing the brunt of the trash-talking trouble-maker

was media personality Ben Douglas, who swiftly took his offence to the pages of the Daily Mail.

But, of course, James dipped into the badly-behaved celebrity excuse box

and pulled out a classic line.

Because he was drunk.

We've all done stupid things when we're drunk,

but that's no excuse, I'm afraid.

How do people get so drunk that you lose the boundary

of such an abhorrent word?

So to just come out with it in a public place,

it's just frigging unbelievable.

I'm surprised he didn't finish the night outside hailing a taxi

with a white hood and a lit cross going,

"I'm only having a laugh. Chill out, everyone. Hooray!"

In a world of the annoying celebrity, not all press is good.

Hungover apologies in the press try to repair the damage but left

our celebrity hairdresser with a serious case of hair of the dog.

The one thing in James Brown's favour is the fact that he is friends with,

and the hairdresser to, Kate Moss, and I think that once you've got golden Kate on your arm,

you'll always be OK. James Brown will bounce back as long as Kate still has him on speed dial.

He claims to be able to read Kate Moss's mind, he knows her so well.

So, this guy has mindreading ability. James, what am I thinking?

At 31, another bigmouth strikes again.

# Stop me, oh Oh, oh, stop me... #

Morrissey was up to his usual outspoken tricks in July this year,

with his comments following the massacre of 97 young Norwegians on Utoya Island by Anders Breivik.

Whilst performing in Warsaw just a few days after the shooting,

animal lover Moz introduced old Smiths song Meat Is Murder with the following.

We all live in a murderer's world, as the events in Norway have shown

with 97 dead.

Though that is nothing compared to what happens in McDonalds and Kentucky Fried Shit every day.

Morrissey trying to equate the eating of chickens

and cows to the callous murder of 97 young people is possibly

one of the most annoying statements of the year.

Honestly, you're more worried about chickens than you are about people.

You need to kind of adjust yourself.

# Who said I'd lied to her? #

Oh, dear, why did you say that, Moz?

I suppose, in his old age, he's just getting more and more bitter.

Just be yourself, and that's all I ever do.

Morrissey loves animals, and we all know that,

but sometimes maybe he should think a little of people's feelings.

# Stop me, oh Oh, oh, stop me... #

I can't imagine there were people in Norway going,

"Oh, my gosh, this is awful! But it could be worse -

"We could be having a bargain bucket right now."

# Stop me if you think that you've heard this one before... #

If you listen to Morrissey long enough,

it will make you want to take up eating meat.

He's got it all wrong.

As soon as he said it, I had a burger just to get on his tits.

Listen, I get it, you know what I mean?

Let's look after the tiny little creatures, but you can see chickens

and cows all over the world going, "Morrissey, shut up. We'll just speak for ourselves, thanks."

Up next, a bothersome bride.

# Hey, baby I think I wanna marry you... #

We all love a good wedding, and there have been loads this year -

Kate and Wills, Kate and Jamie, Kim and...what's his name?

But excessive spending on the big day tends to get us a bit wound up

and this blushing bride got us annoyed by splashing out on enough wedding dresses for all of them.

After her marriage to Joe Glass, Helene Manca's compulsive wedding dress purchase disorder

hit the headlines when it was revealed

that she had spent £20,000 buying 18 different dresses for the ceremony.

I was surprised that people would be interested in the first place,

but I was even more surprised that people would have such strong opinion

about something that, to me, was just some fun.

20 grand? That's the average cost of a wedding

and she spent it just on being completely self-involved.

A lot of women have a specific idea, but I was kind of the opposite.

I just liked many, many, many.

# I wish I knew what dress to wear... #

In France, a lot of people change for the evening,

so I thought, you know, two is a reasonable number.

But then it carried on, and the more I tried on the more I thought

that it was the one I had to wear, and I ended up buying quite a few.

Yes, that's 18, actually, Helene, but you didn't even wear half of them.

Helene bought 18 dresses, wore nine on the day.

I'm trying to settle on ONE for my big day.

I did try to narrow things down,

which is why I ended up only wearing nine.

# Cos we are living in a material world

# And I am a material girl... #

Now £20,000 is a lot of wedding wonga,

so, did the nuptial nine deliver their matrimonial money's worth?

The main one was obviously the ceremony one.

Cost - £3,200.

Time worn - 90 minutes.

Then there was the one when I arrived at the reception.

Then there was one for the cocktail and one for the dinner.

Then there was one for the speeches and one for the cutting of the cake.

Then one for the first dance.

And then one for the party at the end.

And then one for right at the end,

when the party was even more swinging.

The dresses that she wore were quite complicated.

They're not the kind of thing you can slip into yourself.

So, she had seven bridesmaids or something,

so a large amount of the wedding party spent most of their time

in a toilet cubicle where you're going, "Oh, get it on me. Zip it up, zip it up!"

It must be quite annoying, being a guest at the wedding -

you can't really relax, you can't get rid of your camera

because you've got to keep it on you to get a shot of the next dress.

You can't drink too much cos you've to remember each dress. It's a bit selfish, really, Helene.

Hello! It's not all about you. There's a groom there.

You're exchanging vows. It's meant to be about the day.

# Glamorous... #

Joe was actually really supportive and he thought it was a really fun idea

and he just wanted me to be happy and do whatever.

# Those wedding bells... #

Apparently, her husband changed his degree

and he's now studying finance, and I think he's going to need it.

-# Wedding bells

-Wedding bells

# Those wedding bells... #

At number 29, it's a little something for the kids.

2011 saw the 10th anniversary of 9/11.

There were plenty of fitting tributes throughout the world

including memorial services in both New York and London.

But then, there was also this.

We Shall Never Forget 9/11 is a colouring book

aimed at children aged up to 11.

The book features a number of crayon-friendly images

associated either with the terrorist attacks on the World Trade Centre

in 2001, or the subsequent US hunt for Osama Bin Laden.

I'm all for remembering history

and helping children to engage with history in a creative way,

but there is a taste and decency line that's clearly been breached

by having young children colour in the orange flames of doom.

Most annoying to me is that you would even take an event like that

and try to bring it down to a childlike level.

"OK, here you go, kids, this is what happened.

"You see that guy in the turban? He's bad."

That's just a horrible, horrible thing to do.

It's not a book about acceptance,

it's a book about singling out different cultures

and that's a very sad thing to be teaching children.

Despite its critics, the publisher of the book, Wayne Bell, has argued it has no agenda

and is simply a factual depiction of the events surrounding 9/11.

There's no statement attached to this book.

This book is based on market research.

It's based on what people tell us that they're looking for.

The book has become a big hit for Wayne.

It's the fastest selling his company has ever published

and has travelled to 157 countries around the world.

But not everyone is convinced how appropriate it is for kids.

This is the best picture.

Not only is it a man holding the gun on Osama and his wife,

but also, the bullet is on the way.

You don't even have to colour in the bullet.

It's there, it's midway, it's black and it's full of death.

The most annoying thing about this book is that

George Bush has been drawn with a bit of intelligence

and integrity, which is wholly inaccurate.

However, bonus,

you can just write "knob" on his forehead, wherever you want.

It's up there with the Titanic ice-cube maker

and the Hiroshima microwave oven.

That's how tasteless this is.

Revealing some true colours at 28,

we've got some very dodgy commentators.

# Flintstones Meet the Flintstones... #

It might have been the Ice Age that killed off the Pterodactyl and T-Rex, but it was sexist

and outdated attitudes that saw the extinction of our next annoying duo.

Gray and Keys simply didn't realise they were dinosaurs.

Sky Sports front men, Richard Keys and Andy Gray,

actually dated not from pre-history but from an era

when real men were in the pub and a woman's place was in the kitchen.

Having dared to abandon the washing up, referee's assistant Sian Massey

got the full misogynist treatment as Sky Sports' archaic analysts

prepared for live coverage of Wolves v Liverpool in the Premier League.

Well, somebody better get down there and explain offside to her.

Yeah, I know. Can you believe that? Female linesmen, eh?

That's exactly what I said. Women don't know the offside rule.

Of course they don't.

Women are brain surgeons, women are astronauts,

yet for some reason the offside rule is apparently like kryptonite to us,

that when you explain quite simply the rules of a GAME to us, we're unable to understand it.

In the match, she actually got it bang on.

It was a really contentious decision, and she nailed it

better than most other linespeople that I've ever seen.

Waldorf and Statler, two blokes from the Muppets, very much like that.

-What do you think of it so far?

-Oh, rubbish, bloody women.

-Don't know what offside is.

-I

-don't know what offside is.

West Ham chief Karren Brady was next in the firing line

as their off-air chat was recorded and then MYSTERIOUSLY leaked to the media.

Did you see charming Karren Brady this morning, on about sexism?

Yeah, do me a favour, love.

Now, Karren Brady, when I've seen her on The Apprentice, she's got the eyes of a shark.

I think that woman could kill you without touching you

and to pick her, I think, wasn't the best choice of person

because I think she could really give you a doing.

Today, Andy Gray wasn't at home but his fiancee was.

He's wanted to apologise for the last few days,

desperately wanted to apologise.

Sky bosses, unimpressed by Andy getting "her indoors"

to apologise for him, showed Gray the red card

whilst his sexist sidekick tried his best to avoid the subs bench.

I'm on my way into London now, to start apologising to the people that I need to.

For the immediate, I would just like to say how deeply sorry I am

for the part I have played in causing this furore.

Interviewed on Talk Sport, Keys revealed he'd apologised to Sian Massey

and tried to call Karren Brady too.

I remember Richard Keys saying,

"Oh, I can't believe Karren Brady hasn't returned my call.

"I was trying to get in touch with her."

Under his breath, he's muttering the words, "typical woman."

Do you know what I mean? In your own time, love.