How to Get Hired The Apprentice


How to Get Hired

As Lord Sugar prepares to announce his new business partner in The Apprentice, comedian and frustrated fan Dara O Briain shares his theories on how to become a winning candidate.


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THIS PROGRAMME CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE

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Everybody who watches The Apprentice thinks they can do better. I'm convinced I know what it takes,

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so tonight you're all going to get the world premiere of my seminar,

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How To Get Hired.

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It's a ten-step programme to getting that £250,000 deal.

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Think you know what it takes to win the next Apprentice?

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It's not about getting a six-figure-salary job with me.

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It's going to be about you providing your own salary.

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Have you ever wondered how to walk across that bridge?

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We can do it. Let's go!

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How to run around and sell things at the same time?

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I'm not the person you should be bringing in.

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And how to use mind games in the board room?

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You're fired.

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Well, I've got all the answers.

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I'm going to inject £250,000 into a business - your business, and you're going to run it.

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Nobody's ever taught ME how to run a business.

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I was once trained by Al Gore, and personally taught by Desmond Tutu and the Dalai Lama.

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I've never sold anything to anyone.

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I've turned over a million pounds from nothing. I'm a born businessman.

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And I'm not made of metal.

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Underneath these glasses is a core of steel.

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But I still think I can teach anyone how to win The Apprentice.

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Hello and welcome to How To Get Hired.

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With the final of this year's Apprentice on Sunday,

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I'll be giving you the ten secret business rules you'll need

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to get through this process a winner,

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illustrated by the excellent work done by this year's candidates.

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So why don't we start off with our first rule - sell yourself.

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'First impressions are crucial on The Apprentice.

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'As you drag your wheelie suitcase around,

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'you should be thinking about the persona you want to give across.

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'Before you know it, you've got to sell yourself.'

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Why should I win? I'm pretty bloody amazing.

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When I go to the toilet, diamonds come out.

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I mean proper, shiny diamonds. And diamonds hurt.

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When I play five-a-side football,

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there's only one person on my team - and that's me.

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And I still win. I'm not better than sliced bread.

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I AM sliced bread. If you put butter on me,

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I will make you a money sandwich. Yum-yum-yum!

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'I'm best of breed within my industry.'

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I've got plenty of charisma, and, yeah - I'm not bad-looking!

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I'm one of a kind.

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I love challenging myself. I like stretching myself to the ultimate,

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and I seek out pain rather than pleasure.

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I take cut-throat ruthless to a completely new level.

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'The only focus for me is myself. I am cold and hard.'

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I am unstoppable.

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I'm not what you'd class as a polished woman.

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I work in building construction. I'm not even used to wearing skirts.

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The first place you'll meet your fellow candidates

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will be crossing the bridge. You know the bridge.

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It's the bridge that everyone who comes to London has to come over.

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It's the only bridge in London! That's how you get into London.

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If you're in Not London, you have to go across this bridge

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to get into... We all know this. Anyway, this is the bridge.

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You should take this opportunity to have a little chat

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and really psych them out.

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You can carry on your conversation at the office

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while you're waiting to see Lord Sugar.

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You can go through to the boardroom now.

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Then it's time to stop all this nattering and meet the boss.

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He'll make sure to give you a warm welcome on your first day.

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Don't expect me to be doing all the work,

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because I'm not looking for a sleeping partner, so to speak.

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I'm not Saint Alan, the patron saint of bloody losers. Yeah?

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The only way to give him a good first impression -

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agree with everything he says.

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-Yes, Lord Sugar.

-Yes.

-Yeah.

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-Yes.

-Yes.

-Yes.

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Absolutely, yes.

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Before long he'll set you a task and send you on your way.

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I'll see you back in this boardroom in a day or so's time.

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It'll take results to impress Lord Sugar,

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but it's easier to impress your colleagues.

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I run a global consultancy business.

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I own my own business selling glasses online.

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I have a business as well.

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What do I do? I'm a sales-manager-cum-sales-director

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for, er... It's the shoes, isn't it? For a software house.

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You only get one chance to make a good first impression.

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I'm a humble accountant really. Can't say much more than that.

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-We all need you at some point.

-Well, yeah.

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You could start your own accountancy practice.

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Yeah. I'd rather not.

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Don't mark yourself down.

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You'll need a lot of confidence to survive here.

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There's "app"-roximately 12 hours to get this app done.

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Are we fast "app"-roaching where we need to be?

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THEY LAUGH This is "app"-solutely...

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I was just about to come out with that.

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Did you have an "app"-le?

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SILENCE

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OK, let's move on. Rule two is, get on well with your colleagues.

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Next stop, the house.

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We're here!

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The reason it's good to get on well with your colleagues

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is that living together becomes much more fun.

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Oh, my goodness me!

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THEY CHATTER

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It's one big sleepover, really, where you get to share bedrooms,

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-wear each other's clothes...

-Can't find my underwear.

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..and act like one big happy family.

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Yeah!

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This is something The Apprentice doesn't get enough credit for.

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Housing employees together is one of the exciting business initiatives

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The Apprentice is involved in. It has many advantages -

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the coordinated commute, low levels of absenteeism

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and people calling in sick, and there's a unity of purpose about it.

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As well as that, just as the last time they tried it in Stalinist Russia,

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it's extremely good for morale.

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On a personal level, if I can be honest,

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I really don't like Zoe. She's...

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one of the bitchiest and most backstabbing people I've ever met.

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See? Happy workers in the commune, eh?

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Happy workers make good product. That's the easy start.

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Then the pace starts quickening because the tasks begin.

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The first thing you've got to do is pick your leader.

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Being a leader does sound great,

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but rule three is - leadership? Be careful what you wish for.

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I think you'll agree, I'll lead on this one.

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People are always pretty keen to be project manager.

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I'll also put myself up for the task.

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I really want to put myself forward. This is right up my street.

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But I've no idea why.

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-Hold on.

-You'll do it?

-I'll do it.

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The team leader here was Edward, is that right?

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-Yes, Lord Sugar.

-You're fired.

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Yes - five project managers fired in this series alone.

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Don't be so quick to take the risk -

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unless, of course, you've key skills you'd like to share.

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I'd like to step up, put myself forward.

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And what are your reasons?

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Good question to ask. What relevant skills DO you have?

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Anyone else?

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I think it'll be good for Lord Sugar to see I've taken on his notes

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and wanted to become project manager to prove him wrong.

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You see, that's not relevant.

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No offence, but I'm not interested in that.

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Quite right.

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I'd like to be PM for this task because I haven't been PM since task one.

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That's not going to end well.

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Melody...

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you're fired.

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Yes, being decisive is often great leadership.

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It shows you have brains, and the one thing Lord Sugar is looking for

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is someone who's got a brain.

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I'm not looking for bloody salespeople.

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I'm looking for someone who's got a brain.

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The first way to prove that you have one -

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come up with a plan.

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I just want to go on things that we are going to be able to make

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efficient, quickly, well,

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and my input is soup, cos you can't get it wrong.

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If you have a plan, stick with it. There's no need to listen to your team.

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As PM, I want to go with soup and some kind of juice, and -

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Does anyone actually know how to make soup?

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-Not really.

-No.

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Interruptions like this are unhelpful to the leader.

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I feel comfortable with lads' mag.

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It's just got that element of fun. Porn sells.

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Your opinion as leader should be honoured.

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The point of this task is to get the most revenue from the advertiser.

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Over-60s is going to give us that.

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Telling your team what to do will gain you more respect.

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I'm going to make a decision, and I'm going to go for lads' mags.

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Right. So let's get moving.

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If you're not keen on looking assertive,

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do it on the sly.

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'I can take their hearts, their minds.'

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I'm good at making them do what I want them to do.

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OK, let's see a case of that in action.

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Take, for example, Susan. All right?

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And we can see how Susan was manipulated by Jim.

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LAUGHTER

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I was thinking of going for the lads' magazine.

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I'm leaning towards over-60s.

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If we were to pitch an over-60s magazine, I don't know how seriously they'd take us.

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I want people's genuine support.

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What? You want to share the blame if things go wrong?

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Jim!

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I don't feel that we're representative, obviously,

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-of the over-60s group.

-I'm not the type to steamroll.

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I want something people can feel involved in.

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Yeah, but you'd let other people do the steamrolling for you.

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-Oh!

-HE LAUGHS

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-What do you think?

-I think the over-60s will challenge us,

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but I think that it can generate more revenue per page.

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-OK. Glenn?

-I think we should go with the over-60s.

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Now that the others have backed him up, what are you going to do?

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Are you strongly opposed to over-60?

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I'm 100 percent behind over-60s as well.

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"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! I am the puppet master!"

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"Ah, ha-ha-ha, ha-ha!"

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Why doesn't he have a Northern Ireland accent?

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Trying to nail anything on Jim

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is a bit like trying to nail a jelly to a wall.

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Actually, Nick, it turns out it's very easy to nail a jelly to a wall.

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LAUGHTER

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Any other bright ideas?

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I want all your ideas. Don't be concerned about your ideas

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because they're a bit bold. I want to hear them.

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As the leader, you need to eke good ideas out of your team.

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Let's sketch hats.

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Bubble paper that you squeeze, and it crackles.

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-Any time someone sees bubble paper, you want to pop it.

-Yeah.

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You should let everyone have their say.

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It will tell you the temperature in London of this day exactly a year ago.

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Um, a traffic light...

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I didn't really think it through much more than that.

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No idea is a bad idea. You have to hear everybody out.

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OK. I just thought of this.

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I think it's a brilliant idea. Imagine if you've got two people

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standing next to each other, and you've got, um...

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OK. How does it... So you're you and I'm me,

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and I say, "OK," um...

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If I ask you a question, like, um... "Where do you think we are?"

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and I say, "You know what? I'm going to ask my phone

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-where we are right now."

-It sounds a bit complicated.

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And you type the answer. What it actually shows up is,

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"Bob, here is my question"...

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I'm going to stop you now, because we've spent enough time on that idea.

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God, I hope that's Susan's actual business plan.

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Er, to be a good leader,

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it sometimes pays to listen to your team.

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Sometimes you have to use other people's ideas.

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Just try not to use a really famous other people's idea.

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I thought we could have some sort of advert

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where you've got the old-school Labrador that everybody loves,

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you've got the pug. They don't like each other too much,

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but by the end of it they become pals,

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and that would be the name of the brand - Pals.

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It's the second-biggest dog food in the world.

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That's not the first time the candidates have shown a disturbing lack of basic knowledge.

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Are the French eco-friendly? Do the French go camping?

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Are the French very fond of their children?

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I know nothing about the French or their culture.

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Do a lot of people drive in France?

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I mean, who would have guessed

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that the French liked cars?

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The good thing is that, if you don't know anything about the French,

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Lord Sugar will give you a way to find out,

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and that's an important lesson - know your market.

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I'd like to know if the child's rucksack and car seat

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is something that the pitch tomorrow would purchase or not.

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-And you prefer that over the teapots?

-"Yes."

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Market research, performed excellently here by Melody.

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SHE SPEAKS FRENCH

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Oui.

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This is not the answer she wants, so she wisely asks someone else.

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She just interprets the answers to back up her own agenda.

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People thought the car seat may not be a good idea for the mass market

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because they don't use cars very much.

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Thank you for coming in. We've just shown some footage of market research being done.

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-Did you enjoy watching it?

-Absolutely, yes.

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You enjoyed it? That's a thumbs-up to market-research footage?

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And you feel that it was moving the show along?

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-Yeah. It was really helpful.

-Fine. I'm going to write that down.

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But if we had a choice of that or focus groups,

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-which would you be more interested in seeing?

-Focus groups.

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OK, fine. That's interesting. We can probably make that happen.

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-DOG BARKS AND SNARLS

-Ted, pack it up.

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Chill out, would you?

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Just like the public in the street, focus groups might not tell you

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-what you want to hear.

-So, who votes for the hearts biscuit?

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-OK.

-But don't worry.

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They, too, can be easily ignored.

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We had a fantastic focus group, and they said the hearts were good.

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I think hearts are the worst thing to do,

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and I'm sorry, Melody, but I'm going to eliminate that straight up.

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"Sorry. They thought the hearts were much better than any other shape."

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You could blame a focus group's difference of opinion on old age.

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I suggest we move on to the name of the magazine.

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Joy.

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-First Lady...

-Absolutely not.

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-Radiance.

-They're all horrible.

-They're all horrible? OK.

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If you're young, you'll know much better.

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"For the old-looking young-hearted." I don't know. Yeah.

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What about "Life's Too Short"? SHE LAUGHS

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The Old Boot?

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The Old Soak? Or The Old...

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The statement "I want to see more footage of focus groups" -

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would you agree or strongly agree?

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The statement is, "I would like to watch more footage of focus groups."

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-Strongly agree.

-Strongly agree. OK, fine.

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That's really interesting. Thank you very much.

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Well, we can probably do that for you.

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Certainly don't let a qualified professional like a vet change your mind.

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Do you buy the same dog food for all the dogs that you have?

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No, and the reason you don't feed the same food to everybody

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is that you have size differences, breed differences,

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and to pack all that into one tin is almost impossible.

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-"We've come up with..."

-For every day, there's Every Dog.

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-Every Dog, yeah?

-Like, every cat, every animal,

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every whatever you want. It's brilliant.

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And don't listen to students! No reason. Don't.

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What we're doing is, we're creating a new, free lads' mag.

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I wouldn't want to give it that brand.

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What we're all saying is, raise the tone of the whole thing.

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I'm thinking "dirty secretary".

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Is it fitting into our target audience,

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as we'd sort of established from the focus group?

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Yeah, but we need to bear in mind that our focus group was quite focussed.

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The only people you can rely on are five-year-olds.

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You could put bright-coloured stars on the sides of the packets.

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Like shooting stars. They'd come out at you in 3D.

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Shooting stars? I'll take credit for that one.

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-THEY LAUGH

-I'm only joking. I'm only joking.

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-Moral of the day...

-We are back in business here.

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-In business...

-You have got yourself an order for 800,000 units.

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..it pays to steal from children.

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Unbelievable! I've never seen anything like that.

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That is a launch of a mega product. They must have loved this product.

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And if you don't listen to your focus group,

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-you'll just end up looking like a fool.

-Hello!

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Here we go. "Work hard, play hard" is our unique selling point.

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Let's face it, lots of guys like to get a bit of dollar in their pocket

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to impress the ladies, yeah?

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So we feature in our lads' magazine, "How do you blow your load?"

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-How do you think advertisers will feel about...

-That phrase?

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I think... It's a lads' magazine.

0:18:080:18:10

Our advice would probably be to tone that down.

0:18:100:18:14

Yeah.

0:18:140:18:16

When you're face-to-face with professionals, you have to act

0:18:160:18:20

like you know what you're doing. It's an important business lesson -

0:18:200:18:24

never let on you're an amateur.

0:18:240:18:26

If you want to work with Lord Sugar, you need to prove you can make it

0:18:270:18:31

in the big boys' world. This isn't just about taking photos

0:18:310:18:34

with your phone or measuring things with a paper ruler.

0:18:340:18:37

No. It's a professional enterprise,

0:18:370:18:40

where your work's aided by microphones...

0:18:400:18:43

-Slang.

-Hey!

-Tongue?

0:18:430:18:46

..cameras...

0:18:470:18:49

-That's a really good one.

-Yeah.

-Really like that one, Jim.

0:18:490:18:52

..and whizzy computers.

0:18:520:18:54

Does it look premium to you?

0:18:540:18:57

And girls.

0:18:580:18:59

-Do you want me to, um...

-I'm fine.

0:19:010:19:03

All right, forget the girls. The point is

0:19:030:19:07

that Lord Sugar doesn't want to hear that you've been larking around like an amateur.

0:19:070:19:11

Stop it! Stop it!

0:19:110:19:14

OK, guys, stop it now. This is real...

0:19:140:19:17

We need to win this task. For the purpose of this task,

0:19:170:19:21

I'm now focussing. OK.

0:19:210:19:23

Miaow!

0:19:230:19:25

Being professional involves not offending people.

0:19:250:19:29

This is Lola, and she's a Sphinx cat.

0:19:290:19:32

It has some bearings a bit like a chicken.

0:19:320:19:35

It's not very...

0:19:350:19:37

We'll have to look at some more.

0:19:370:19:40

It involves pretending that you care

0:19:400:19:42

and sounding like you know what you're doing.

0:19:420:19:45

Can you have the dog on all fours?

0:19:450:19:47

-Standing up, you mean?

-Yeah. Perfect.

0:19:470:19:50

The more complicated the terminology...

0:19:500:19:53

-That looks absolutely revolting.

-That's perfect.

-I think that's good.

0:19:530:19:57

..the more professional you'll appear.

0:19:570:19:59

Can we do it with the open legs, please?

0:19:590:20:02

Sometimes your one-to-one with real professionals

0:20:030:20:06

will be because you want their business.

0:20:060:20:08

That's when the stakes get really high. This is the all-important pitch.

0:20:080:20:12

The decision of who should do a pitch

0:20:120:20:14

should be taken very seriously.

0:20:140:20:16

We've got a fantastic hat that we need to sell.

0:20:160:20:19

This is what Melody does for a living.

0:20:190:20:22

I work in the youth sector, so I'm used to giving presentations

0:20:220:20:25

to 3,000 young people at a time, just like that, you know?

0:20:250:20:28

That's what I do for a living. I've been doing it for 13 years.

0:20:280:20:31

You should carefully decide who best represents your brand.

0:20:310:20:35

The person who I would like to do the presentation at the trade fair

0:20:350:20:40

would be myself.

0:20:400:20:42

These are important clients. Show off your knowledge of their company.

0:20:420:20:46

I understand that Pocket-lint has 37,000 unique visitors a month.

0:20:460:20:51

That's extremely impressive. That's why we're here.

0:20:510:20:55

We actually have 1.7 million visitors.

0:20:550:20:58

-Oh!

-Considerably larger than 37,000.

0:20:580:21:00

Remember, Lord Sugar sends you to the big companies,

0:21:020:21:05

not the little ones.

0:21:050:21:07

I would like to know le numero de quantite.

0:21:070:21:09

Les numeros de quantite is very reasonable,

0:21:090:21:12

so we'd consider as low as ten units.

0:21:120:21:15

'La Redoute is one of the most formidable commercial organisations in France.'

0:21:160:21:21

Ten units? For La Redoute?

0:21:210:21:24

Ludicrous!

0:21:250:21:26

Fabulous!

0:21:290:21:30

Let's talk about shopping. It seems simple, but every year,

0:21:300:21:34

this causes heartbreak, so we'll give it a rule all of its own.

0:21:340:21:37

Shopping is easy when you know how. First, though, a master class.

0:21:370:21:41

'Like me, you probably learned how to go shopping as a child.

0:21:430:21:46

'If you didn't, this is how it works.

0:21:460:21:49

'You walk into a shop and you ask for what you want.'

0:21:490:21:52

Hello. I'd like 15 penny sweets if I could, please.

0:21:520:21:55

-Thank you. Five of these, yeah?

-Yeah, please. That'll be great.

0:21:550:21:59

'You get out your money and you pay.'

0:21:590:22:01

-How much is that?

-15 pence only, please.

0:22:010:22:04

I've got ten pence.

0:22:040:22:06

-So what can you do for me?

-Er, yeah. 15 pence.

0:22:060:22:11

OK. I made a... I've got ten pence now.

0:22:110:22:15

-We can walk away, deal done.

-No, it's 15.

0:22:150:22:18

I'll go to 11 pence. I really am under a lot of pressure here.

0:22:180:22:22

-Still 15.

-I've got a brilliant idea. Let's shake and settle at 12 pence.

0:22:220:22:26

12 pence for you, me. We're happy. We shake hands.

0:22:260:22:29

-That's good.

-Sorry!

0:22:290:22:31

No. OK. 14. 14 pence. High as I can go.

0:22:310:22:35

That is absolutely my top offer, is 14... 15. 15 pence.

0:22:350:22:40

-I'm happy.

-Is that a deal? 15 pence?

0:22:400:22:42

Fantastic. There's your 15 pence. That's fantastic. What a deal!

0:22:420:22:47

Pleasure doing business with you. See? That's how you make a deal.

0:22:470:22:51

The only way you can haggle properly is if you know how much the product is worth

0:22:520:22:57

before you go into the shop. This is not a guessing game.

0:22:570:23:01

Whatever price they say, I want you to just shoot really, really low

0:23:010:23:05

-and just say...

-Half.

-No. Just say, like, a fiver.

0:23:050:23:08

-That is priced at 365.

-So much higher than we expected!

0:23:080:23:13

Why don't we meet halfway? 9.25. It's 25p. Come on.

0:23:130:23:17

Ten metres will be...

0:23:170:23:19

..119.50.

0:23:210:23:23

I'm trying to be helpful to you. 9.50 is the bottom line.

0:23:240:23:27

It's for a very important client.

0:23:270:23:29

How would that make a difference to me?

0:23:290:23:31

Remember, markets are a good place for haggling.

0:23:310:23:34

-I think you're happy enough with it. There's 40 quid.

-Go on, then.

0:23:340:23:37

Mayfair boutiques...

0:23:370:23:40

-Even just go down by one penny?

-I'll give you the penny.

0:23:400:23:43

Yeah? Right! Oh, perfect! Thank you so much!

0:23:430:23:46

-I'll give you £349.99.

-Super.

-Can we shake on that?

0:23:460:23:50

..even better.

0:23:500:23:52

It's more complex if you don't even know where you're supposed to go to buy the things.

0:23:520:23:56

I mean, very rarely will the list just say "some boots"...

0:23:560:24:01

..or a lamb rogan josh...

0:24:030:24:05

..or some horseshoes.

0:24:070:24:10

Because of the name of your business,

0:24:110:24:13

is there somewhere we would get a top hat from?

0:24:140:24:16

Not round here, no. Especially not from Top Hat Dry Cleaners.

0:24:160:24:20

Of course. Yeah.

0:24:200:24:21

Shopping's even harder if you don't know what the item is.

0:24:230:24:27

I'm trying to find a ten-inch cloche. Does that mean anything to you?

0:24:270:24:33

I mean, who doesn't know what a cloche is, for God's sake?

0:24:330:24:36

-Hey! Can I have my usual, please?

-Yeah, no problems.

-Lovely.

0:24:360:24:39

I don't know how I go through so many of these. Stick it on my tab.

0:24:390:24:42

-"Cloche is French for bell."

-Maybe it's a bell.

0:24:420:24:46

Where might we find a ten-inch bell in Central London?

0:24:460:24:50

Now you're thinking, Tom! You're asking the smart questions.

0:24:500:24:53

Where would you find a bell in London?

0:24:530:24:55

Knowing you lot, you'd have come here.

0:24:550:24:58

Hello. Have you got a bell? Surely you've got a bell here.

0:24:590:25:03

Lord Sugar isn't looking for bloody salespeople.

0:25:030:25:06

He's looking for someone with a brain.

0:25:060:25:08

However, to confuse things, he is also looking for salespeople.

0:25:080:25:12

Which brings us on to the next rule, which is - right! Sell something.

0:25:120:25:16

We've got wallets, umbrellas, nodding dogs!

0:25:160:25:19

The first, most basic, method - shout.

0:25:200:25:23

I'm here for a good time, not for a long time!

0:25:230:25:25

New technology can make this technique more effective.

0:25:250:25:28

Come on! Roll up, roll up!

0:25:280:25:31

Now you don't even have to be face-to-face to sell.

0:25:310:25:35

-HE SPEAKS THROUGH AMPLIFIER

-Number 73! House number 73,

0:25:350:25:40

with the skip outside!

0:25:400:25:42

Hello!

0:25:420:25:44

If you are face-to-face, it's good to charm the customer

0:25:440:25:47

with your product.

0:25:470:25:50

Winges are £23. It's like a pet hamster, really, isn't it?

0:25:500:25:53

I just don't think it suits me.

0:25:530:25:56

If you can't do that...

0:25:560:25:58

-Vincent thinks he's a ladies' man.

-..just charm them with yourself.

0:25:580:26:03

I don't know how many of you have had your five-a-day today,

0:26:030:26:06

but maybe you could do with an extra one. OK?

0:26:060:26:09

He's gone right into the ladies, giving all the chat, the flirting.

0:26:090:26:14

Trust me here. It tastes beautiful.

0:26:140:26:16

Strangely enough they seem impressed, and they're buying from him.

0:26:160:26:20

Happy with that? Good.

0:26:200:26:23

How you doing, ladies? Come to Papa.

0:26:230:26:25

This is actually the Dutch national umbrella.

0:26:250:26:28

-Yeah, right!

-THEY LAUGH

0:26:280:26:30

Thinking on your feet takes you a long way.

0:26:300:26:33

Sir, do you want something else to carry?

0:26:330:26:36

The opposite approach - sitting in a van chopping bread

0:26:360:26:39

when you're supposed to be selling - doesn't work so well.

0:26:390:26:43

People think they can just hide in the bushes -

0:26:430:26:45

If you and I were to go into business, there'd be no bush to hide in. I'd be on the front line.

0:26:450:26:50

I can promise you that!

0:26:500:26:52

If you want to look dedicated, run.

0:26:520:26:55

Keep looking!

0:26:560:26:58

Keep looking for the shops!

0:26:580:27:00

And there's the "clutching at straws" sales technique.

0:27:000:27:03

I have 23 umbrellas,

0:27:030:27:06

and, ironically, 23 minutes left.

0:27:060:27:10

It's obviously too late to make a big difference...

0:27:100:27:13

-Sorry, madam.

-..but this is a chance for you to feel good about yourself.

0:27:130:27:17

Six o'clock.

0:27:200:27:22

HE SIGHS

0:27:220:27:24

That's the task done. It is exhausting,

0:27:290:27:31

and that's only the easy part, because we're now onto the difficult stuff,

0:27:310:27:35

which is the final bit, which I call "beat the boss".

0:27:350:27:38

I'm not saying The Apprentice is essentially a video game,

0:27:380:27:41

but there is a boss level at the end you have to get through.

0:27:410:27:44

The boardroom is the arena for this, and there are some simple rules.

0:27:440:27:47

This is a flow chart of how it works. All TV will eventually be made like this.

0:27:470:27:51

You want to get from here, which is the reception,

0:27:510:27:54

basically back around to the house, hopefully via a bit of a treat,

0:27:540:27:58

or ideally into the Rolls Royce so you can become a business partner.

0:27:580:28:02

That's what you're aiming for. You don't want to end up here,

0:28:020:28:06

in the Loser Cafe, and you never want to end up here in the taxi.

0:28:060:28:10

Right? First up, though, you wait.

0:28:100:28:14

Now, this is where it all gets much more complex.

0:28:170:28:20

You sweat, you fret,

0:28:200:28:23

bite your fingernails, adjust your glasses,

0:28:230:28:25

you tap your hands on the chair.

0:28:250:28:27

You shake your feet, and you try to remain calm.

0:28:270:28:31

-Then...

-You can go through to the boardroom now.

0:28:320:28:36

..you enter.

0:28:360:28:38

You sit opposite Lord Sugar's empty seat, which is a much better seat than yours,

0:28:410:28:45

and then you wait again.

0:28:450:28:47

And then he arrives.

0:28:540:28:57

-Good afternoon.

-Good afternoon, Lord Sugar.

0:29:010:29:03

And so the battle begins,

0:29:030:29:06

but with the magical words, "How did you get on?"

0:29:060:29:11

The problem with the boardroom is that everyone has a dilemma.

0:29:120:29:16

-Bloody hell!

-Yes, even him.

0:29:160:29:19

Your first dilemma is, "Do I get on the wrong side of my teammates?"

0:29:190:29:22

The first question will always be, "How was the team leader?"

0:29:220:29:25

"Do I attack, and if I attack, how subtle should I be about it?"

0:29:250:29:29

-Team leader?

-That was me, Lord Sugar.

0:29:290:29:32

-OK. And was she a good team leader?

-No. She was terrible team leader.

0:29:320:29:37

That's not what normally happens. You're more likely to pretend you're all best friends.

0:29:380:29:43

-Natasha was a good team leader?

-Yeah.

-She was.

0:29:430:29:45

-She made a very good editor.

-Good team leader?

0:29:450:29:48

I thought she was a really good team leader.

0:29:480:29:50

Then, you might have lost, so you might need a scapegoat.

0:29:500:29:53

This might be the point at which to start a conspiracy.

0:29:530:29:56

Are you all happy with this application?

0:29:560:29:59

Are you all happy with what you chose?

0:30:000:30:03

I don't think it's a great application, if I'm perfectly honest.

0:30:030:30:06

-Anybody else not that happy?

-I wasn't that happy.

0:30:060:30:09

You're not that happy. One, two, three, four, five.

0:30:090:30:12

Five out of eight of you.

0:30:120:30:15

That's not very good, is it? Not very promising.

0:30:150:30:17

-Tell me at the time.

-That's the first we've heard of it.

0:30:170:30:20

This is quite shocking.

0:30:200:30:23

The main point here is to find out how much money you've made.

0:30:230:30:27

Fruit salad for the ladies.

0:30:270:30:30

This bit is really fun if you win.

0:30:300:30:32

That's a flying £550 and five pence.

0:30:320:30:37

Well, ladies, there you are. That's three times margin.

0:30:370:30:41

For this bit you've got to loosen up and practise facial expressions,

0:30:410:30:45

because it depends what you need. You might need this one...

0:30:450:30:48

Hey!

0:30:480:30:50

The 24-hour figure was 10,667.

0:30:500:30:55

-Or you might need this one.

-HE MOANS

0:30:550:30:58

As they say in Europe, "nul points". Nothing.

0:30:590:31:03

They've placed an order of 214,000 euros, Helen.

0:31:050:31:11

Oh, that's a big one.

0:31:140:31:16

That's it for round one, except that Lord Sugar will increase your fear levels as he sends you away.

0:31:170:31:22

My disposals in this boardroom get taken away in the back of a taxi.

0:31:220:31:26

I'll see you back in the boardroom shortly. OK, off you go.

0:31:260:31:31

Out of the boardroom and back to the flow chart.

0:31:310:31:33

Some people go this route. We'll come back to them later.

0:31:330:31:36

But other people - lucky people - they get to go here.

0:31:360:31:40

The treat. Everybody wants the treat.

0:31:400:31:43

That's why Helen was always smiling, because she had lots of treats.

0:31:430:31:47

Oh, the life you could lead if only you were Helen!

0:31:470:31:50

Look what you could enjoy!

0:31:500:31:52

-CORK POPS

-A champagne reception...

0:31:520:31:55

Good evening, ladies.

0:31:550:31:56

..dinner with Michel Roux Jr,

0:31:560:31:59

cocktails with a private circus act,

0:31:590:32:02

lessons with the Strictly Come Dancing team...

0:32:020:32:05

..a tennis lesson with Pat Cash,

0:32:070:32:09

-a spa day in Bath...

-Oh, it's lovely!

0:32:090:32:12

..a fencing lesson, a private flying lesson...

0:32:120:32:16

Well done, everybody.

0:32:160:32:18

..and dinner in a country hotel.

0:32:180:32:20

-That takes the biscuit.

-SHE LAUGHS

0:32:200:32:22

I got you!

0:32:220:32:24

But some people don't get to be Helen.

0:32:240:32:27

Some people end up here, and this is not a good place to be.

0:32:270:32:32

If you find yourself in the cafe, you're a loser.

0:32:340:32:37

All you get to drink is the milky tea of despair.

0:32:370:32:41

You should make the most of coming here.

0:32:410:32:43

I really wish I could say the best product won.

0:32:430:32:46

I've got to ask you straight - was anyone not pulling their weight?

0:32:460:32:50

The more often you sit there...

0:32:500:32:52

I'm personally getting pretty fed up of this place.

0:32:520:32:55

..the better your powers of hindsight become.

0:32:550:32:58

The problem was, we committed marketing suicide.

0:32:580:33:01

-We were wasting time, wasting time.

-To be fair...

0:33:010:33:05

THEY ARGUE

0:33:050:33:07

I don't think you can back out at this late stage

0:33:070:33:10

-and say the whole thing was wrong.

-The sharing wasn't the problem.

0:33:100:33:14

-That part was good.

-No. It was the actual biscuit.

0:33:140:33:17

All this moaning will prepare you for more constructive analysis back in the boardroom.

0:33:170:33:21

Quite clearly the arrow is pointed at Jim.

0:33:210:33:24

Melody was an absolute nightmare to work with.

0:33:240:33:27

On every task I give 110 percent.

0:33:270:33:29

Leon, in terms of ideas, didn't really contribute.

0:33:290:33:32

Edna? No. Poor.

0:33:320:33:35

Although some people just end up looking naive.

0:33:350:33:38

The point is, as project manager, I've done a very good job, OK?

0:33:380:33:42

And all the team have agreed.

0:33:420:33:43

I believe that we are all equally responsible

0:33:430:33:47

for the failure of this task. Everyone said in the boardroom

0:33:470:33:51

that I did a good job, and they were happy with me as a project manager.

0:33:510:33:55

Ah, that's nice of them. Except back in the boardroom...

0:33:550:33:59

-Who's responsible for the failure of this task?

-Felicity.

-Felicity.

0:33:590:34:03

..the gloves are off.

0:34:030:34:05

The first thing I think needs to be pointed out -

0:34:050:34:07

did Vincent do a good job as project manager? Everyone said yes.

0:34:070:34:11

-Teams have a tendency of changing their mind when they're -

-Sure.

0:34:110:34:15

-I appreciate that.

-Vincent, you're fired.

0:34:150:34:18

There. See what I'm saying? Felicity and Vincent - naive.

0:34:180:34:21

In the boardroom, all bets are off. It's a completely different sport.

0:34:210:34:26

People don't even talk like normal people in the boardroom.

0:34:260:34:29

That's why it's got a rule of its own - communicate clearly.

0:34:290:34:32

When did you start to think about how much to sell stuff for, then?

0:34:320:34:36

Lord Sugar, my business plan, my strategy -

0:34:360:34:39

different. Very different. Bottom up.

0:34:390:34:42

Cut the crap here. I asked you a simple bloody question.

0:34:420:34:47

You were trained at one of the leading accountancy firms

0:34:470:34:50

-in the country.

-I don't fit the mould.

0:34:500:34:52

-I beg your pardon?

-I don't fit the mould.

0:34:520:34:54

I didn't ask you that question.

0:34:560:34:58

You'll have had insight, vision into how companies are run.

0:34:580:35:02

You already did them a couple of times. It's all there.

0:35:020:35:05

-I beg your pardon?

-All my experience has been -

0:35:050:35:08

Stop speaking to me in semaphore! We're not sending text messages.

0:35:080:35:11

Just answer me properly.

0:35:110:35:15

When I was producing, that was production.

0:35:150:35:18

So your team have failed. Who is to blame?

0:35:210:35:24

That's the question. And how can you avoid the blame?

0:35:240:35:27

There are two approaches. You can convince Lord Sugar it's not your fault,

0:35:270:35:31

or you can convince your teammates not to bring you back in again.

0:35:310:35:35

These are the two paths. They're called the Tom path

0:35:350:35:37

and the Jim path. Let's have a look at Tom.

0:35:370:35:40

Lord Sugar, I believe the lack of planning during the process

0:35:400:35:44

cost us very badly.

0:35:440:35:46

Tom's learned that his powers of hindsight push the right buttons.

0:35:460:35:49

I think the irony is that Edward,

0:35:490:35:52

who's trying incredibly hard to show that he's not an accountant,

0:35:520:35:55

unfortunately left a lot of the good parts of accountancy at the door

0:35:550:35:59

-when he came here.

-That's the most sensible thing I've heard today,

0:35:590:36:03

actually.

0:36:030:36:05

It helps, of course, that he shows respect for Lord Sugar.

0:36:050:36:08

How about considering that your product was not sought-after

0:36:080:36:13

and theirs was?

0:36:130:36:14

It's a very dangerous game to disagree with you, sir.

0:36:140:36:18

Thinking about it, he showed a bit too much respect at first.

0:36:180:36:22

He treated the boardroom like a classroom,

0:36:220:36:24

putting up his hand when he wanted to speak...

0:36:240:36:27

Can I go back to my main point?

0:36:270:36:29

..applauding the other team when they won,

0:36:290:36:32

and apologising to teacher when they lost.

0:36:320:36:35

Sorry, Lord Sugar.

0:36:350:36:38

But I digress. Tom's shrewd analysis has made it hard

0:36:390:36:42

for Lord Sugar to let him go.

0:36:420:36:45

You're a very nice fella. I'm sure everybody knows you are a gentleman,

0:36:450:36:49

and there's nothing wrong with that in business.

0:36:490:36:52

Whether this is...

0:36:520:36:54

the last time that we're going to see each other in this process,

0:36:540:36:59

-it very much...

-HE SIGHS

0:36:590:37:02

..depends on how much weight I give to the fact

0:37:020:37:04

that you did try.

0:37:040:37:07

HE SIGHS

0:37:070:37:09

Thank you.

0:37:120:37:14

LAUGHTER

0:37:150:37:17

That's Tom. If Lord Sugar likes you,

0:37:170:37:20

your teammates are less likely to bring you back in again,

0:37:200:37:23

because that would be a stupid thing to do.

0:37:230:37:26

So Tom spent little effort talking other people down and more talking himself up, which is smart.

0:37:260:37:31

Another path, of course, is to do like Jedi Jim.

0:37:310:37:34

MUSIC: "Star Wars Theme"

0:37:340:37:36

Let's start at the beginning.

0:37:360:37:39

Look at where Jim sits when he walks into the boardroom.

0:37:390:37:42

Week one, next to the project manager.

0:37:420:37:45

Week two, next to the project manager.

0:37:460:37:50

Week three, next to the project manager.

0:37:500:37:53

Week four...

0:37:530:37:55

Week five... You get the idea.

0:37:550:37:58

He needs to be near them so that he can...

0:38:000:38:04

Well, you know exactly what he's doing here.

0:38:040:38:07

"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha!"

0:38:070:38:09

I'm not scared of you. Argh! Oh, I am.

0:38:090:38:12

All right. Let's move on.

0:38:120:38:14

You have got to make a decision. What's your instinct?

0:38:140:38:17

-Who you bringing back in?

-I'd like to bring back Alex...

0:38:170:38:20

-..and Jim.

-Alex and Jim.

0:38:210:38:24

Now, watch his Jedi mind tricks at their best.

0:38:240:38:27

It's interesting that he chose myself and Alex.

0:38:270:38:29

There's a few fall guys. Vincent fluffed his speech

0:38:290:38:32

and I had to save the day, and I don't fluff speeches.

0:38:320:38:35

Glenn designed the app that turned out to be crap.

0:38:350:38:38

Jim has done a sterling job throughout.

0:38:380:38:41

Well, then, I'm not the person you should be bringing in,

0:38:410:38:45

if you agree I've done a sterling job. Change your decision.

0:38:450:38:48

So on the basis of what Jim's doing here...

0:38:480:38:51

-Do you want me to change? Is that -

-Change!

-Actually, you're the man.

0:38:510:38:55

Change!

0:38:550:38:56

Change, Leon. Change!

0:38:560:39:01

-I'm going to bring in Glenn.

-You want to bring me back?

0:39:010:39:04

-I don't think you should.

-Listen, Glenn -

0:39:040:39:07

It's done and agreed.

0:39:070:39:10

-What do you think, Jim?

-The PM's made a decision.

0:39:100:39:13

I highlighted who I thought made flaws, made mistakes,

0:39:130:39:16

-and he's chosen you.

-He is good, though, isn't he?

0:39:160:39:19

He seems to draw power from the table itself.

0:39:190:39:21

His hands never leave it.

0:39:210:39:24

If you are going to play mind games like Jim, though,

0:39:250:39:28

just be aware that Lord Sugar may see through it.

0:39:280:39:31

Jim, you have this manner - some people might call it charisma -

0:39:310:39:36

of getting people on your side and controlling the situation.

0:39:360:39:40

Jim, you know, you do talk a great game.

0:39:400:39:44

-You are a great presenter.

-May I speak, Lord Sugar?

0:39:440:39:47

No, you mustn't. Not any more. I'm sick and tired of listening to you.

0:39:470:39:51

I don't know what you're made of, mate.

0:39:510:39:53

Is it brains or bollocks? Now, you can talk the hind legs off a donkey,

0:39:530:39:57

OK? But what I've forgotten about bullshit,

0:39:570:40:00

you ain't even learnt yet.

0:40:000:40:02

Do you understand me? Yeah?

0:40:020:40:05

We've reached the critical point now,

0:40:050:40:07

because the team leader has chosen his two least-favourite people,

0:40:070:40:11

who will be packaged as "responsible for the failure of the task".

0:40:110:40:14

Which means you're at this point here, back out in reception.

0:40:140:40:18

When you're outside, Lord Sugar is having a natter with Karren and Nick,

0:40:180:40:22

and they are talking about you.

0:40:220:40:24

I think it's about time Leon and Tom actually stood up for themselves

0:40:240:40:28

and started being a bit more manly, if I could put it that way.

0:40:280:40:33

Nick and Karren have been hiding in the shadows until now.

0:40:330:40:36

This, however, is when you'll be hoping they've missed some of your mistakes.

0:40:360:40:40

Nobody has any money round here! Everyone seems so poor.

0:40:400:40:44

I've always said you need a sieve for Susan,

0:40:460:40:49

because you have to work out what stuff is meaningful

0:40:490:40:52

and what is meaningless.

0:40:520:40:54

Let's use this moment to think of ways to stand up for yourself.

0:40:540:40:57

Susan's done that very well. If you want to avoid a firing,

0:40:570:41:00

follow her lead.

0:41:000:41:02

Up to this point, she's rarely spoken,

0:41:060:41:09

sticking instead to her face of disbelief.

0:41:090:41:13

But now Lord Sugar needs to know, "Why shouldn't I fire you?"

0:41:150:41:20

And for that, Susan's pulled out her two trump cards. Card one...

0:41:200:41:24

I have my own business, and that is something that these two

0:41:240:41:28

can't say for themselves. They've only worked for other people.

0:41:280:41:31

-They've never taken that initiative.

-Fair comment.

0:41:310:41:34

-The mouse that roared.

-That's it. Get 'em where it hurts.

0:41:340:41:37

Now card two.

0:41:370:41:40

-I am 21, and I have had -

-Stop using your age!

0:41:400:41:43

-We're all in this process together.

-When you guys were 21,

0:41:430:41:46

you didn't have the initiative to do anything that I have done so far.

0:41:460:41:50

If you have a trump card, make sure you play it.

0:41:500:41:53

But be prepared for others to attack it.

0:41:530:41:56

It looks as if we're trying to shoot Bambi.

0:41:560:41:58

Which one is Bambi?

0:41:580:42:00

Susie is Bambi, because of her lack of contribution

0:42:000:42:03

-and her half-hearted nature.

-That's so unfair.

-It's not unfair.

0:42:030:42:08

It was actually Bambi's mother that got shot, just for the record.

0:42:080:42:12

I honestly feel that they look at me and they think, "Young, naive,

0:42:120:42:16

no experience. Let's pick on her. Let's get rid of her."

0:42:160:42:19

-That's how I feel every time.

-I actually feel, Susan,

0:42:190:42:22

that you're just marginally worse than Glenn,

0:42:220:42:25

so I'm not the only one...

0:42:250:42:28

-That's ridiculous.

-You are a different class, son.

0:42:280:42:31

I've got a place for you in the House of Lords.

0:42:310:42:34

Luckily for Susan, her trump cards have worked.

0:42:340:42:37

Susan...

0:42:370:42:39

..I'm giving you another chance. OK?

0:42:400:42:44

This is it, everyone.

0:42:440:42:46

Judgement time.

0:42:460:42:48

This is where the words are uttered -

0:42:480:42:51

those words that you don't want to hear.

0:42:510:42:53

You're fired.

0:42:530:42:55

-You're fired.

-Thank you.

-You're fired.

0:42:550:42:57

I know that being told you're fired seems like the end,

0:42:570:43:00

but even here there are rules.

0:43:000:43:03

Felicity, you're fired.

0:43:030:43:05

Fired candidates must bow their heads in disbelief,

0:43:050:43:08

and then thank Lord Sugar for the opportunity.

0:43:080:43:12

-Thank you for this opportunity.

-Thank you for the opportunity.

0:43:120:43:15

Thank you for an amazing opportunity, Lord Sugar.

0:43:150:43:18

While they sit and wait for their taxi to come...

0:43:180:43:21

Off you go back to the house.

0:43:210:43:22

..Lord Sugar sends out their old friends to console them.

0:43:220:43:26

And while Lord Sugar reflects on why they weren't good enough to stay...

0:43:300:43:34

There is absolutely no way I could have started a business with her.

0:43:340:43:38

..they get one chance for a final word.

0:43:380:43:41

As soon as I brought those two back in,

0:43:420:43:45

they stabbed me in the back and said that I was a bad project manager,

0:43:450:43:48

which is completely going against what they'd just said minutes before.

0:43:480:43:54

She still didn't get it, did she?

0:43:540:43:56

Anyway, now that they're out of a job,

0:43:560:43:58

the really smart ones use this one last opportunity

0:43:580:44:01

to push their CV.

0:44:010:44:03

I have three degrees - one BSc and two masters degrees.

0:44:030:44:07

I've also had successful businesses as well,

0:44:070:44:10

so I'm sure I'll be successful in whatever I do.

0:44:100:44:12

Most of them are too interested in leaving with their dignity.

0:44:120:44:16

I'm very surprised that Lord Sugar fired me.

0:44:160:44:18

They should just let bygones be bygones.

0:44:180:44:21

I'm everything I think he's looking for,

0:44:210:44:23

so if he's failed to spot that, then, it's his loss.

0:44:230:44:27

Maybe Lord Sugar does know what he's talking about. Maybe you should accept it.

0:44:270:44:31

I'm only 25. The world is my oyster. Roll with the punches.

0:44:310:44:36

Good for you! But you really don't want to be doing that speech.

0:44:360:44:40

You want to be one of the two people going back to the house in the car,

0:44:400:44:44

because in that car, everything that was said in the boardroom

0:44:440:44:47

is all forgotten.

0:44:470:44:49

What I said in the boardroom was true. That is how I feel.

0:44:490:44:53

If we had decided on business acumen, I would've picked you, because yours is really poor.

0:44:530:44:58

Meanwhile, back in the house, everyone puts their penny's-worth

0:45:030:45:07

into whether or not you should return.

0:45:070:45:09

So it's back to that one - the buck has to stop with PM.

0:45:090:45:13

-I definitely hope Zoe's coming back.

-Yeah, I hope so.

0:45:130:45:17

Edna seemed to have a few arrows shot at her.

0:45:170:45:20

-I think Susie's gone.

-Jim has been fired.

0:45:200:45:22

Don't be nervous about people's reactions when you get home.

0:45:240:45:27

THEY SHOUT

0:45:270:45:29

They'll pretend to be happy to see you, whether they mean it or not.

0:45:290:45:33

Well done!

0:45:330:45:35

They know as well as you do that you all have to live together

0:45:350:45:38

for weeks to come.

0:45:380:45:40

We're the final four.

0:45:400:45:43

SHE LAUGHS I can't believe you're here!

0:45:430:45:45

Those are the golden rules. That's what got us our final four

0:45:520:45:55

in this year's show. The only question remaining is,

0:45:550:45:58

how was that?

0:45:580:46:00

Oh, that's a tough crowd!

0:46:030:46:05

Wow. I do not know how I'm going to bounce back from this one.

0:46:050:46:09

I'm really disappointed.

0:46:310:46:33

I'm young. The world is my oyster.

0:46:330:46:35

I'm not going to lose my dignity here.

0:46:350:46:38

I've got three degrees. I've got a BSc and two masters.

0:46:380:46:41

I run a successful business.

0:46:410:46:44

So I'm going to be successful no matter what happens,

0:46:440:46:47

because I roll with the punches.

0:46:470:46:49

LAUGHTER

0:46:490:46:51

APPLAUSE

0:46:510:46:53

'Next time...'

0:47:000:47:02

Now it's time for you to convince me

0:47:020:47:04

that you're worthy of becoming my business partner.

0:47:040:47:07

'Time to hand over business plans.'

0:47:070:47:10

If you don't know your own business plan, you're in trouble.

0:47:100:47:13

'But when the final four are grilled...'

0:47:130:47:16

-What's the business?

-You haven't got one error. It's full of errors.

0:47:160:47:19

I've got a good radar for bullshit, and this smells like it.

0:47:190:47:23

What impression does that give me of you? You're a bit of an ass?

0:47:230:47:26

'Three go up in smoke...'

0:47:260:47:28

You're fired. You're fired.

0:47:280:47:30

'..and one gets the money.'

0:47:300:47:32

You are going to be my business partner. You're hired.

0:47:320:47:35

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:47:350:47:39

E-mail [email protected]

0:47:390:47:43

With just days to go before Lord Sugar announces his new business partner in The Apprentice, comedian and frustrated fan Dara O Briain shares his theories on how to become a winning candidate. Using evidence from Series 7, Dara analyses the common mistakes candidates make, as well as the clever tactics that keep them in the running.


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