Christmas The Funny Side of...

Hello, I'm Clive Anderson. Welcome to The Funny Side Of Christmas.

Tonight, we'll try and fathom the miracle of Christmas television,

find out what makes a Christmas Special special.

Ask what it took to get a Christmas single to number one before the miraculous birth of The X Factor.

And wonder - if Christmas really is for the children, an opportunity for families to get together and to eat,

drink and be merry, why do we spend so much of it just watching the telly?

We'll be asking whether festive television is haunted by the ghost of Christmas TV past

and we'll try to decide how many Christmas TV cliches have to be on screen at once

to turn it into a big, fat, juicy turkey.

# Snow is falling

# All around you

# Children playing

# Having fun

# It's the season

# Of love and understanding

# Merry Christmas, everyone. #

The BBC throw everything at Christmas -

brandy butter, holly, mistletoe, the kitchen sink.

You have stars, snow, trees,

mistletoe, holly, Santa, reindeer.

When you're building up to Christmas,

that's when you can grab your audience. You can get them all excited with you.

# We're going to have a party tonight! #

You had Morecambe And Wise, you had Mike Yarwood.

# I'm gonna find that girl underneath the mistletoe

# And kiss by candlelight. #

Even the most cynical, hard-edged broadcaster

can be softened by working on Christmas Day

and doing a live show, because there are elements you can put into it

that would make concrete melt.

# Every day is Christmas

# What a nice way to spend the year! #

Why do people watch TV on Christmas Day? You're all together. The one day off. And what do you do?

You ignore each other and you watch the box. Smart one.

It's August, the hottest day of the year.

People are wearing shorts and flip-flops, frying eggs on the pavement.

Even the high street shops' Christmas ad campaigns are at least a couple of weeks away,

but if you work in television, this is the time you film the Christmas Special.

In 80-degree heat, cue in the bleak midwinter and all the fake snow you can roll into balls.

The BBC starts to celebrate Christmas in August.

They decide what Christmas Specials they'll have and you have

to haul in your Christmas trees and your spangles and your tinsel.

And so quite a lot of the shows you see at Christmas time,

spare a thought for the performers,

because they're probably baking in August sunshine.

We had an official Christmas Changing Rooms once

and it was being filmed in October

and there was a lot of research done

on where in the British Isles it was most likely to snow in October.

And it was found to be the Isle of Arran.

Not only is there no snow, poor Carol Smillie is squinting to keep the dazzling sun out of her eyes.

Now, this being the season of goodwill and all,

we've upped the budget and given each team £750 to do up a room

and decorate it for Christmas.

It didn't snow.

In fact, there was a heat wave

and we were all rushing around in our big heavy jumpers sweating profusely.

And I can remember doing one shot.

I was in a crofter's cottage

doing one shot against a window, talking about decorating a tree,

and a bloke walked by with a surfboard under his arm.

By the end of it, we had to just put tracing paper up over the windows

because it just looked so ridiculous.

We may as well have done it in a studio.

But I thought it would be really nice to focus it as much as possible on Arran.

So bringing in local crafts maybe.

-Or maybe designer biscuits to hang on the Christmas tree.

-Oh, great.

Good man. Tell me one thing, are you wearing anything under there?

That's for me to know and for you to never find out!

I got tricked up in a kilt, although I refused to wear tartan.

I refused to wear plaid, not being Scottish at all.

And at the time, Ewan McGregor was doing a lot of sort of black serge

and I wore a grey serge kilt with a matching grey jumper, which sounds perfectly fabulous,

until you realise that with my stocky frame, I look like Velma from Scooby-Doo.

All I lacked was the glasses. There was nothing very seasonal about it.

CAROL LAUGHS

All my designer friends are just going to be so jealous.

Changing Rooms was changing seasons, but they weren't the only ones.

There was flexibility in the ecclesiastical calendar, too.

There has been one or two occasions where we've sort of done Christmas

with tinsel everywhere, people in their Christmas garb.

Then got the congregation to quickly whip into their spring clothes,

put daffodils out and the same setting turns into Easter.

# Mary was that mother mild

# Jesus Christ her little child. #

Christmas is a time for tradition.

The repetition of ancient rituals -

nativity plays, carol concerts, Jesus in the manger.

You don't bother with all that? Well, they do on Blue Peter.

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-Hello!

-And that's the fourth candle on our...

-..Advent Crown, all ready for...

-..Christmas, the day...

-..after tomorrow.

Blue Peter's Christmas preparations always started with the Advent Crown.

I don't know why we're allowed to have it.

Health and safety just doesn't come into it cos it's basically two wire hangers, bit of tinsel,

real candles in jam jars. It's a disaster.

You've got your holder like that.

The whole idea is that you have two wire coat hangers and you...

Oh, my gosh! I'm going to fail at this, aren't I?

You sort of wire them together so they cross over each other.

So basically, you've got four sort of bits coming out

and you bend them over at the end.

You make sure that the hook bit's in the middle

so it can hang on to something above

and then you put a bit of wire around some jam jars.

Make a small hole there with a drill and that will fit on just like that.

Of course if your candle fits,

then you're not going to need to put any Plasticine in.

You dob your candles inside each of your jam jars

and then you whip a lot of tinsel around the, hopefully

non-flammable tinsel, around your coat hangers

and all you need then is a box of matches and you're off.

That's how you make it, I think.

Yes, well, the Advent Crown has now got two candles already lit.

I'm going to light the third candle on our Advent Crown.

-Lighting the third one...

-..means there's only one more Blue Peter before Christmas.

That's the fourth candle lit on our Blue Peter Advent Crown.

Which means there can't be long now to go before it's Christmas Day.

We'd give each other presents bought by the production team, so we didn't know what we were getting.

And with a highly-trained production team buying their presents,

no wonder the presenters could hardly contain their excitement.

We're allowed to open the presents today,

because this is the nearest Blue Peter to Christmas.

-So who shall we start with? Me?

-Who's going to be first? Me?

No, let's start with the animals. Let's have Petra first. Oh!

Ah, look, Jason, a beautiful bowl with your name on it.

What's in there, apart from your head? Aw, look at that!

There's a doggy bowl.

Shep, get out!

-Ouch!

-Oh! I felt that for you.

-It's Christmas!

They always had a kind of pattern to them, which was rather nice.

It was a very traditional Blue Peter Christmas, which was lovely.

So you knew it was the Christmas programme.

Oh, isn't it pretty?

Oh, beautiful. A lovely book.

And what is marvellous

is that this matches the one I was given last year.

Oh, just the very job. The number of times I go away

with the Blue Peter cameras to film and have a suitcase the size of a house to carry two shirts.

This is perfect. Let me just open it up.

Oh!

-Oh, Johnny!

-'Tis a toolbox. I'm very glad about this.

You see, with me last one, me car ran over it.

The last programme, almost like Christmas Eve I think

our last programme would be really close to Christmas Day,

it would be a live programme. It would really, really feel Christmassy.

The programme was always nice. There was a lovely tree.

It was always that moment when you'd go, "Hark, I can hear the band coming in now."

That moment when the doors opened and the Salvation Army Band

would come in with their lanterns singing O Come, All Ye Faithful, was a very nice moment.

Always rounded off the programme.

Stand up in front of your television and join in.

We're going to sing a very well-known carol,

Hark The Herald Angels Sing.

And we've got lots of help, the choirs of four schools.

They're accompanied by our old friends from the Chalk Farm Salvation Army Band

and I think they're coming up the road now. I can just hear them singing.

And to lead them, our old friends, the Chalk Farm Band of the Salvation Army.

I can hear them coming down the road now into the Blue Peter studio.

And they're led by our old friends the Chalk Chop...

Chalk Farm Salvation Army.

I can hear them coming up the hill now. Here they come.

And I can hear them coming along and into the studio now.

# Born that man no more may die

# Born to raise the sons of earth... #

Same brass band, same carols, same script. Well, if it ain't broke...

I'm sure if you watched Blue Peter next Christmas,

you will find that it's still exactly the same as it was.

I shall watch it and make sure that it is.

# ..to the newborn King! #

Christmas Specials struggle to escape a strict list of things that must be included on screen.

Christmas trees, tinsel, baubles, presents, more tinsel,

fake snow, tinsel and, of course, tinsel.

Every television show has its own perfectly decorated tree

for reminding us at home of the important message that we haven't bought one yet,

let alone remembered where we put away the decorations at the end of last year.

On television, Christmas is laid on with a trowel.

Charles Dickens, Walt Disney, traditional pantomimes...

they're all way too subtle.

On television, Christmas is an excuse for the designer to go way over the top.

Never mind the expense, or for that matter taste.

On Yuletide telly, every studio needs a Christmas tree,

every presenter needs to give their co-host a present,

every item of clothing screams, "It's Christmas!"

Caught up in the Christmas spirit, presenters find an excuse to behave

in a manner that would be unforgivable at any other time.

You know that Christmas is round the corner when programmes,

particularly children's programmes, like Blue Peter, put on a panto.

# We're getting into practice for going to the ball

-# We'll make sure when we get there

-Guests will stop and stare! #

I don't think pantomime ever works well on television

and I don't think that necessarily means that it can't.

There's no point just pointing a camera at the stage,

because the audience have to be filmed as well.

They're as important as anybody on that stage.

A diamond-studded, solid gold Crackerjack pencil!

Crackerjack!

The Nationwide pantomime, you see, that was just

one of the most frightening bits of television I've ever seen in my life.

But what's this? A whirling wind I hear.

Jack Scott said the weather would be calm and clear.

We planned to discuss the state of the nation, but is this what the Chancellor means by inflation?

I can remember being deeply shocked seeing Sue Lawley in bunches,

because they were doing The Wizard Of Oz.

And I was probably only about nine, but I can remember thinking how incredibly unflattering

Sue Lawley in bunches was.

# Follow the yellow brick road

# Follow the yellow brick road

# Follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road. #

If you were watching commercial television,

you'd know that Christmas was on its way cos there's lots of adverts.

Look at the price of these smashing rockers.

These super dolls, £8.99.

Dolls' prams, too, and this great bike is £16.99.

Since the invention of commercial television,

there's always been another side to the true meaning of Christmas,

one which TV has never shied away from embracing.

It's Christmas' very own early warning system.

# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

# Everywhere you go. #

The must-have toy was always something that we promoted

and projected and kids loved it because it was seen on TV.

"Everyone wants a Cabbage Patch Doll." "Do they really?"

"Yeah, yeah." And they did, all the kids...

But it was the kids being told, obviously,

that this was the year's greatest thing.

This is what it's all about, funny little rag dolls,

each with a different face, a birth certificate

and, apparently, the ability to inspire pure joy.

I got my doll! I got my doll!

Those who can't get their own have been known to snatch from others.

Where is she? Do you see her?

Is this what Christmas is about?

I agree with you 100%.

A full-grown woman taking a doll out of a child's hand?

If kids saw it on children's television, they wanted it even more.

Now, Eusebio was so generous, he's offered ten dolls,

so we have to pick out ten cards, Stu.

-Dig right down here.

-Cabbage dolls.

-They're not Cabbage dolls.

You have to say Cabbage Patch Kids, apparently.

It was, you know... It's been seen on TV therefore it becomes desirable.

Trivial Pursuits, a sort of quiz game, which this store is selling at the rate of 1,000 sets a day.

The last Dalek disappeared off the shelves in a Milton Keynes store this afternoon.

Pegasus, the Barbie horsehair styling toy, has sold out in stores.

Over the years, toy advertisers have ever so gently suggested to our children

what they should ask for from Santa.

So public spirited of them.

But it wasn't always this way.

In the early days of television, Christmas viewing was a much simpler affair.

-Hip-hip...

-Hurray!

The early years of Christmas on TV followed a straightforward pattern...

Queen's Speech, televised church services,

skinny, ration-book Santas.

Then it was time to switch the TV off and enjoy a round of parlour games.

Will you be staying late, Antony?

Yeah, but after they've had their dinner

they always play charades and parlour games and that.

THEY LAUGH

Parlour games!

Is their telly broke?

So for almost 2,000 years, between the comings of Jesus Christ

and John Logie Baird, people had to spend Christmas without TV. Imagine.

Now it's the box in the corner keeping the family occupied,

giving the day a bit of focus, because let's not forget -

television can remind us of the real meaning of Christmas.

It's rushing down in the morning, ripping open your presents, being disappointed,

a family argument, snoozing in the afternoon with too much booze

and then depressed by the end of the day. That's Christmas.

There is a real risk of turning into a real retrospective grump about things,

but I do remember more intelligent programming at Christmas.

Families are not all together on Christmas Day all the time now,

so people don't sit down and watch one programme.

Times have changed and we've got to move with it, but it's a pity.

Let's hear a bit more about the nativity story.

Let's put it in a bit more of a context.

"Dear Jim, I would like to visit the Holy Land to see where Jesus lived.

"Could you do anything about it? Thanks very much, Gary."

Well, there's plenty of context here,

if not much in the way of shorts.

This is from the Christmas Special Jim'll Fix It in 1975,

but it's concentrating more on the Easter message.

More Jim'll "Crucifix It" than Away In A Manger.

Here, you can see how difficult life was for Jesus when he was

having to carry his cross all the way up this hill and up these steps.

And it was a hot day like this.

The other thing that really gets me is there is a complete dearth of carol services.

It's almost impossible to find something that you can just leave on the television -

moving images, nice music - just so that you don't feel lonely that's reasonably festive.

I remember carol singers in the streets and you'd hear them

in the distance and everybody would fling up their windows and they'd be collecting for something.

And it was just lovely and you knew all the carols - you could join in.

CHILDREN SING

When you then heard them on television, they reminded you in a way of those days.

INDISTINCT SINGING

Er, yeah... Yes, we all knew the words to that one(!)

The problem with Christmas is that it carries far too much focus to it.

You know, we are fixated by this one point, because we hope

that it's the day when all wrongs are going to be righted.

It's that magical moment where everybody wakes up and, you know, the soldiers at war

play football in no-man's land, and I'm going to like my mother-in-law.

I'm going to like all the presents I get.

I'm going to drink as much champagne as I want and not get unpleasantly drunk.

So, it's Christmas morning.

After midnight mass, or a late-night party,

Mum and Dad can have a long lie-in.

As late as 6.30, when the kids wake up demanding their presents.

But pity the poor folk who have to work on Christmas morning.

Nurses, emergency services and those hapless souls presenting

live television programmes from around the country.

Good morning and merry Christmas to one and all.

It's 10.30 and, like us, you've probably been up since the early hours

making sure that Santa left before the children got up.

We've been up getting Christmas dinner ready and getting ready for our special Christmas show.

So let's find out now what's under the tree.

We'll come to our audience live on Christmas morning.

We will open our presents as they're opening their presents.

The whole idea is their sitting room, our sitting room.

You actually feel there's somebody at the helm of it all.

Somebody on TV doing the same, and people all over the country are watching at the same time.

So we brought the families in and we thought,

"That's what our viewers would want to see anyway."

And it was chaotic.

There were kids everywhere and there were lots of presents

and some of them were fake and some of them were real and the kids were all excited about that.

I've got some ducks for the wall. Do you know...

He's always wanted ducks for the wall!

Always wanted a flight of ducks on the wall in the office.

Oh, and there's three. Thank you, dear. I'm very thrilled with that.

It's a pleasure. And I'm very thrilled.

It's always very touching, isn't it, this time?

And well-known guests are dropping in, whatever, just to say hi and happy Christmas.

On behalf of everyone here in Ramsay Street, I'd like to wish everyone

in Britain a very happy and peaceful Christmas.

ALL: Merry Christmas!

ALL: Hello and a merry Christmas!

ALL: Have a peaceful Christmas.

It was mayhem, but that's how Christmas morning should be.

Miss Piggy...what memories.

-I've lost my Lego!

-Can I call all entrants to the Ross King quiz, which was held earlier this month?

It was lovely to be able to bring them all the bells and smells of a Christmas morning.

-Jeremy Beadle, where are you?

-Hi, Anne.

-Hi.

I'm actually outside the ward and we're gonna go in.

Right, let's see what happens here.

Merry Christmas, everybody!

Merry Christmas. Merry Christmas.

Yeah! Hi. And you are Scott?

Where's our presents?

-Where's your presents?!

-Yeah.

-Well, that's about level.

That's where you find people, hopefully, on Christmas morning

that will give a warm feeling to the audience at home.

I'm Alan Partridge. I love kids.

The things they say. There you go. Right. Does anyone watch my show...

Knowing Me, Knowing You With Alan Partridge, no?

-No.

-No?

-No.

-No-one knows it?

-Never heard of you.

-Never heard of me.

-No.

-Right. It's very rude to say that, actually.

Are you looking forward to Christmas?

Those Christmas morning things

where they go and visit kids in hospital.

How long is it gonna be before some hapless presenter

pulls somebody's drip out live on air?

That'll be the worst thing.

-# Isn't it rather nice to have...

-Friends

# ..you rely upon, shoulders to cry upon

-# You must have...

-Friends

# Friends. #

Inevitably, erm, somebody says, "Let's go and visit Santa."

This is Lucy Pardy, who wrote me a letter and said

that she believes in Santa Claus, but her big sister, Daphne, doesn't.

They come from Oxford. Now you believe in Santa Claus, don't you?

-Yes.

-Now, what do you think he looks like?

Beard, white beard.

-White beard.

-It's curly.

I have to own up to a crime in my life now.

I was the one who started the trips to Lapland to meet the real Santa Claus.

Rovaniemi Airport is right on the Arctic Circle,

so we're very close to the North Pole and in fact I'm told

it's the actual airport that Santa Claus flies his sleigh from on Christmas Eve.

And we would take eight-year-olds from their warm houses in Britain.

We would fly them to the Arctic Circle, where the plane would land on akin to something like sheet ice

and we would convince them that they were going to meet Santa Claus, who, as you and I both know, does exist.

But he gets a bit busy close to Christmas time, so...

I have to say, I'll own up now, that the Santa that they met was not the real Santa.

Now this was more than 20 years ago.

They're may be some scarred adults out there.

This is my sister, Daphne.

She doesn't believe in you.

-Oh!

-I do now.

Thank you. That was the best Christmas present I could have had.

Exactly who was the least convincing there...

the girl, her sister or the Santa

with the white beard and the black moustache?

But there was one man who was the undisputed king of Christmas for two decades.

We're spending our Christmas at Chequers, which, as you know,

is the country home of British Prime Ministers and

we're very happy to take part in the Noel Edmonds Show.

From 1984 onwards,

Noel Edmonds brought us his Christmas morning show

from the top of London's Telecom Tower, which, as you all know,

is the London home of British Telecom.

In amongst the traditional trimmings, there was always something innovative.

And we'll be doing the world's first-ever computer draw.

We are undertaking one of the greatest communications projects ever put forward.

And a first, an absolute first, for the show that loves to bring you firsts, we are going to be

bringing you live television pictures from a commercial airliner.

It's never been done before. Hello, Krankies!

Noel must have thanked his mum and dad very much for giving him

the name "Noel", because round Christmas time,

who would you want to do a present programme and everything?

"Can we find somebody called Noel?"

When Noel comes into your living room, you feel comfortable.

When he looks down that lens and he talks to you, you feel at ease. He's just so professional and so...

He's like a member of the family and I think that's what you liked about watching his show.

After those first Noel's, Noel brought us his Christmas Presents on a regular basis.

A very happy Christmas to you.

I hope you're having a wonderful day. As you can see,

I've got my Christmas presents.

I hope you've got the box of tissues.

This show wasn't all about jumpers and technological firsts.

This was about reuniting families and bringing a tear to the glassiest of eyes.

You've actually been sitting next to your father.

William. Meet Kay.

The whole country was talking about Noel's Christmas Presents.

He's got the seasonal flavour to it and the heart-wrenching story,

if you like, or the very happy story as well.

Something that didn't look as though it was going to be good and turn out right,

then Noel makes it happen.

Happy Christmas.

Noel was the gift that kept on giving, every Christmas morning right up until 1999.

And he'll always be remembered as the person with the third most famous beard at Christmas,

after Jesus himself and Santa.

Of course nowadays, the real meaning of Christmas is often lost.

But in the past, many of us turned to the television in our millions at Christmas

because we worshipped an ancient, saintly figure.

And in that week of holy celebration, we wanted to come together and

rejoice at his arrival at number one with his song Mistletoe And Wine.

# Mistletoe and wine Children singing Christian rhyme... #

If you were asked to do Christmas Top Of The Pops, you were obviously

the flavour of the month and we always enjoyed doing that one.

And it was one of those shows that it was quite a lot of fun to do

because there was that Christmas atmosphere,

although it was two weeks before Christmas usually.

It gave you a chance to camp it up a bit, put silly costumes on.

Even if you didn't come wearing a silly costume, somebody would provide you with it.

The wardrobe went berserk usually on times like that.

The prop-buying department at the BBC, of whom there were several football teams in those days,

they would do their best. They'd go down to Shepherd's Bush market and

stock up on every cheap Christmas bit of decoration they could.

And so, yes, you'd be handed squealers and pointed hats and stuff like that

to wear to turn this studio into a Christmas party.

The effects came out. You did Top Of The Pops Christmas and snow would come down

and there'd be trees around and stuff like that, so, yeah, I think they always made the effort.

Top Of The Pops may have changed over the years.

In fact, it's changed so much it's been cancelled.

But rather miraculously, the Top Of The Pops Christmas Special lives on.

From Jimmy Saville and Tony Blackburn

to Dave Lee Travis and Mike Reid and Fearne Cotton,

Top Of The Pops has always known how to camp it up at Christmas.

I was a kid growing up and I saw Top Of The Pops at Christmas time and I loved it.

And so when I was asked to present it, I thought,

"God, this is a career high." And they said, "That's OK.

"Here's 150 quid for doing it and we don't supply any costume.

"You buy your own." So you make about - well, you did then -

you made about 35 quid for doing the Top Of The Pops Christmas Special.

If you ask any artist, they'll tell you that the most prestigious chart position is the Christmas number one.

At one time, people wanted to get that Christmas number one.

Nowadays, of course, we know what it's going to be because

it will be the winner of X Factor, so all the fun's gone out of it.

The atmosphere would be so exciting.

All the people that had number ones,

it had been their year. So they were up. They were great.

The audience loved it. It was Christmassy, they had the hats on, the tinsel and the blowers.

So the atmosphere was great.

I hated making them too Christmassy.

I hated having all those naff Christmas things.

# Girl, when you hold me

# How you control me

# You bend and you fold... #

I try and have a little bit of a Christmas theme going on.

I don't want to be too, "Bah, humbug".

Those Christmas cliches can often look really, really naff with a band.

You've got someone singing about international peace and love,

and meanwhile, you've got some kind of

flaming Christmas pudding going on in the background.

It can just seem a bit extra cheesy.

# Mamma, take me in your arms

# Rock me, baby... #

How many people have you seen trying to spit snow out

and do all that stuff, or set themselves on fire with candles.

A lot of Christmas stuff is just too risky. Christmas trees getting knocked over.

You get a lot of unnecessary children in there.

# There's no-one quite like Grandma and I know you will agree. #

But Christmas is a time for sentimentality.

It's a good thing to do that, but you've got to really be careful how you tread that line.

# Temptation, frustration

# So bad it makes him cry... #

You've got to have the bells on and the idea of snow falling.

Anything like that. You just put everything into it, including

the kitchen sink and you'll probably get a good record.

But it's got to be a catchy song. There's an added ingredient to it.

Far too many people seem to be dreaming of a naff Christmas,

certainly as far as Top Of The Pops is concerned, you know?

# Oh, is he more, too much more, than a pretty face... #

I never like Christmas songs, apart from one...

Slade, Merry Christmas Everybody, which was fantastic.

When you hear Noddy Holder go, "It's Christmas!"

It's like hearing the first cuckoo.

# Are you hanging up a stocking on your wall? #

He was yelling, "It's Christmas!"

It was different to anything else we'd had and,

they brought it out every Christmas and I think they probably still do.

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun

# Look to the future now It's only just begun. #

And Wizard did quite a good Christmas song as well.

# I wish it could be Christmas every day

# Let the bells ring out for Christmas. #

Cliff Richard's Mistletoe And Wine, I thought was a...

It wasn't one of my favourites. Nevertheless, he's done some fantastic records in his time.

# A time for waiting and fighting to see. #

Have a great Christmas, everybody!

The tinselling of TV at Christmas

isn't just confined to the programmes.

The bits in between want to get in on the act as well.

The humble channel ident always gets a little festive makeover.

Over the years, we've seen the Christmas idents evolve from

snowy versions of the run-of-the-mill logos

into mini-movies of Christmas folk obstructing the streets

with giant snowballs and ice rinks full of plastered penguins.

There's been dioramas,

much-loved mechanical efforts with more than a hint of the homemade,

cartoon Christmas trees,

shiny graphical fantasies and tributes to Willy Wonka.

And all of them labelled Christmas TV as special,

different from the every day.

So when the idents are put back in their boxes in the BBC loft,

we know we've returned to the boring old rest of the year.

But TV isn't just trying to entertain you at Christmas.

It doles out tips on how to host the perfect celebration.

Year after year, TV chefs offer up detailed guidance on how to prepare

the best possible Christmas dinner. Usually turkey, I think.

You'll be offered instruction on cooking a bird from Gordon, Delia, Jamie and Nigella.

But not one of them has a word of advice on how to fake a smile and say,

"No, no, the turkey isn't dry at all. No, I love it.

"No, no more for me. But, no, fine.

"Good, very good this year."

I've been doing Christmas cookery on television,

stage and in national newspapers.

I thought the one constructive thing that I could offer

was a series of items that I've made for Christmas

and found out over the years the absolutely easiest and

most delicious and successful ways of doing...

Fanny Cradock did the best turkeys. She cooked them

in a straightforward way, but did appalling things to them afterwards.

Cos you know, it's my considered opinion

that Christmas is just about slave labour for the women.

She approached the embellishment of a turkey

the way she approached the embellishment of her own face.

These turkeys practically had false eyelashes and green eye shadow.

They were piped and they had little paper crowns on their amputated legs.

And the head was remade out of a vegetable sculpture or something.

That's great, but you know that the turkey actually probably tasted quite reliable.

Prod it all over. Think of somebody you never liked, but you're too well bred to say it,

so you take it out on the goose and stab it all over.

A million chefs would tell you a million different ways

to cook turkey and you always know that

Christmas is coming because it's countdown to Christmas and

all the cookery shows are on.

What I want to do now is just help you to get organised.

Always Delia, Delia, Delia.

If I go round to someone's house

and they've got a Delia book,

-I think, "Fine."

-You take a skewer and

you pierce the thickest part of the leg, with the skewer,

and then you just press it to see if the juices are running clear.

She doesn't slide down banisters or maybe even ride scooters,

but having Delia is just like having a mum or an aunt

who really knows how to cook standing beside you.

Last Christmas was just the pits because one channel was Nigella,

one channel was Jamie, one channel was Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall, Gordon Ramsay.

They're all cooking the same meal.

I'm worried about this bird, you know?

-Why, darling?

-Oh, I don't know.

The water, the bucket, the soaking, all this other nonsense.

But if it's what Nigella says.

Yeah, but I'm just not confident, not with so many eating with us.

I should have stuck with Jamie Oliver. I know where I am with him.

Everyone's advising you. You start it on its left side.

First, I'm going to release the turkey from its briny bath.

-Then turn it to its right side.

-Turkeys are, I think, probably the hardest bird to cook.

-Now we'll stuff it.

-Parsley, tarragon, salt.

Viewers of a sensitive disposition, look away now.

-Piping bag in.

-Pipe butter.

-You cook it upside-down.

-I'm going to melt some butter with some maple syrup.

-Massage.

Make sure the skin gets lovely and brown.

What we'll do now is sew it up with this very vicious-looking needle.

Get it in the oven. Make sure you can get it in there. Kick it in.

OK, folks.

It shouldn't be about 1,001 different ways to cook a turkey,

which is an incredibly dull thing to eat anyway.

Oh, I don't think I'll bother getting a turkey next Christmas.

-Oh!

-What's the matter?

-Barbara!

It doesn't matter. You know, it really, really doesn't matter.

They're trying too... because there is so much competition...

they're just trying too hard.

And that's part of the problem with Christmas, is it's about trying too hard.

Television also serves up the same thing Christmas after Christmas.

There's always the Queen, The Great Escape, Carols From King's College,

high drama in Albert Square, Coronation Street, Emmerdale, Hollyoaks, Holby City and Casualty.

In the '70s, the nation's favourite Christmas show was always Morecambe And Wise,

but nowadays... Well, it still is.

The Christmas light entertainment hits of the '70s pulled in huge family audiences.

It wasn't unheard of for nearly half the population to sit down

to watch them and the other half would probably have watched, too, if it wasn't for the washing-up.

Millions of people! The world stopped and everybody watched

Morecambe And Wise. I didn't get it.

And I think maybe now I'm beginning to get nearer that bus-pass age,

I look back at some of those old Morecambe And Wise sitcoms

and I just think they were actually quite spectacular and genius.

Eric and Ernie, absolute institution, definitely.

Preserved in aspic.

-Sorry about that.

-What is it? I'm ashamed of asking.

I'm from the Isle of Mann.

Even the Royal Family, the Queen postponed her evening meal

so that she could watch the Morecambe And Wise Show.

The whole family gathered round the television to see this show.

It was special and who was going to be on it?

Morecambe And Wise, particularly interesting when

they had people like Glenda Jackson on board,

because she represented authority.

The classic actress

who you shouldn't fool around with.

And they fooled around with her.

And they used that kind of comedy extremely well.

So skilfully that it's very, very difficult to replicate these days.

I can't think of a better Christmas show than Morecambe And Wise.

Excuse me, Miss.

Or Madam, as the case may be.

I'm afraid you can't stop here.

Only professional artists are allowed

up here in front of the cameras.

Go back to your seat. This isn't the Generation Game, please.

And, of course, you were very conscious -

you were working on an institution.

Eric always used to say, "Well, yeah.

"It's great, but we've got to follow the last one."

The way they're remembered, it's as if they only did Christmas shows.

And if you were writing for Christmas shows, you felt daunted.

You thought, "We're following something here.

"They did a great one last year." And it raised your game.

You really had to buckle down to it, because it was Eric and Ernie and Christmas.

We never sat down thinking, "This is a Christmas show." Necessarily.

Unless you suddenly thought of a great idea about reindeer and sleighs,

or Christmas trees or kids getting up first thing in the morning to look at their presents.

That could well occur, but it would have to be a good idea in its own right.

You didn't think, "Oh, this is a Christmas brief.

"We must do all Christmas jokes and situations."

-Don't try and get sympathy.

-I don't want sympathy from you.

No sympathy from you, sunshine.

You've had that for a start, I'll tell you.

As Eric Morecambe said once on one of their Christmas shows,

"I don't want any Christmas trees, cotton-wool beards and holly." I said, "Why not?"

He said, "Get a repeat."

And it was repeated that Easter.

The Chancellor's statement reads as follows.

"There may be trouble ahead, but while there's moonlight and music and love and romance..."

# Let's face the music and dance. #

Morecambe And Wise, The Two Ronnies and Mike Yarwood, those were special performers, and Bruce Forsyth.

Those shows were special to the BBC.

On BBC1 this Christmas, The Two Ronnies.

-We're looking forward very much to seeing you on Boxing Day, aren't we, Ronnie?

-Yes, indeed.

-So it's a happy Christmas from me.

-And it's a happy Christmas from him.

The Two Rons would do Christmas shows.

I think they verged on being more traditional than Eric and Ernie.

You might get some snow and holly and stuff on a Two Ronnies Christmas show.

# Crawling down chimneys with somebody's present

# I sometimes get stuck and the soot's most unpleasant

# Finds its way everywhere, right through your clothes

-# Gets in my navel

-And gets up my nose. #

Christmas shows have got to be scheduled brilliantly and quite often

they've got to be the right time, cos the children aren't in bed.

They've got to be adult enough to interest the adults.

So they've got to be like a pantomime with double entendres scattered through it,

which the children don't understand but the adults do.

So there's an element of enjoyment all the way through.

-# I'm the hare.

-He's the hare

-# He's the hatter

-And the former is as looney as the latter

# Your hat is on fire

# I'm smouldering with desire for Alice in her winter underwear. #

Christmas Day entertainment on BBC1.

At 8.20, the Mike Yarwood Christmas Show, with guest Paul McCartney.

Hm-hm-hm! Excuse me.

I don't know whether you know me, but I used to be Denis Healey.

Mike Yarwood was my hero growing up because I wanted to be an impressionist.

Well, I got rather fed up of being a silly billy, so I decided to become a chunky punky.

He was brilliant. He was the only impressionist around at that time and it was what I wanted to do.

The Mike Yarwood Christmas Show was one of

the biggest shows on television. It was huge.

He was an extraordinary performer

and Lord knows how many millions he could command.

# Jingle bells, jingle bells I can make them ring

# Cos unlike Harold I have got...

# ..a great big ding-a-ling. #

I like to remind people what a big star Mike was.

He was the first impressionist to have his own show,

an impressionist with supports and guests prior to that.

And Mike was a big Saturday night mainstream star.

Mike Yarwood made his name with impressions of politicians and other well-known entertainers

and from the '70s to the early '80s,

he was a mainstay in the BBC's Christmas schedules and a huge ratings winner.

Evening all.

Aagh!

Mike Yarwood's great appeal was, it looked satire but it was merely topical.

He used to impersonate the politicians of the day brilliantly,

or any personality for that matter. So it had an immediacy.

It had a poignancy, which Morecambe And Wise didn't have, in the sense that

they only used traditional values, traditional comedy.

So Mike Yarwood had that little edge, so it's not surprising that,

occasionally, Mike Yarwood actually beat Morecambe And Wise in the ratings.

I think he could get the big star names, but also he could do the impressions

of the big stars and you really believed that he was those people.

But impressionists mustn't get stuck doing the same old faces.

I'm here to say to Sammy Davis Jr, actor, comedian, entertainer,

singer, dancer, impersonator, musician, a right clever dick if ever there was one...

HE LAUGHS

Don't go away Sammy Davis, because this is your song.

Mike's stuff would date, a lot of it now.

# I feel like I'm made out of gingerbread

-# Gingerbread

-A-huh

-A-huh

-A-huh... #

And you have to move on.

The worst thing that happened to Mike was Margaret Thatcher.

The Russians called her the Iron Maiden.

The Daily Mail called her the saviour of the middle classes.

And these days, Edward Heath hardly ever calls her at all.

Ladies and gentlemen, will you welcome Mrs Margaret Thatcher.

Impersonating the Prime Minister had always been a staple of his act.

But like Jim Callaghan, Michael Foot,

Neil Kinnock and General Galtieri,

he admitted defeat in the face of Margaret Thatcher.

Please, please, don't stand up.

I prefer you kneeling.

As I said to the Pope last week.

Please sit down. Very funny that, very funny. Erm...

With his old favourites retiring from the political stage, Yarwood's popularity began to decline.

His gentle parodies were out of date in the harsher world of alternative comedy.

But he paved the wave for TV impressionists to come.

If their colleagues in every other area of TV

are getting in the festive spirit, why should news miss out on the fun?

Over the years, TV news has developed its own traditions.

Hardy perennials of news always bloom at Christmas,

whether it's letting us know how snow has brought the country to a stop...

And snow fell across much of Scotland today, most of it in the Highlands.

..if it's worth popping down the bookies to bet on a blizzard for Christmas Day...

This is Sandringham in Norfolk, raising the hopes of a white Christmas.

..telling us which celeb is turning on the Christmas lights...

Oh!

..news is always guaranteed to help create a shortage in the country's high streets...

With just four shopping days to go before Christmas,

this year's must-have gifts are proving hard to come by.

We're desperate for an iPod Nano and we've been shopping the last two days trying everywhere to try and get one.

Now if the Wii games console is top of your Christmas list this year,

then we're afraid you might be disappointed.

We're trying to secure as much supply as possible.

..or to enlighten you on which festive eccentricities

the great British public get up to

when health and safety regulations go out the window.

The news cameras will be there, every year.

Sitcoms come and sitcoms go, but whether your favourite is Steptoe And Son,

Only Fools And Horses or Gavin And Stacey, they can all be relied upon to do a Christmas Special.

At Christmas time, we are more eager than ever to welcome their dysfunctional families

into our own living rooms, cos they make our own look almost normal, even bearable.

-Shall we see who's got the most then?

-Mm.

-Found any?

-No, nothing yet.

-Oh, well.

Let's see how lucky I am then, shall we?

Ever since radio sitcoms like Hancock's Half Hour

made their way on to TV, we've had a soft spot for seeing what our favourite comedy characters

are getting up to at Christmas, even if it's not very much.

So in the '60s and '70s, we spent Christmas with Steptoe And Son, The Likely Lads and Alf Garnet.

Or even in prison with Ronnie Barker.

We've got ever such a lot to look forward to.

There's a concert and the carol service and the tree.

-Yes, very useful that tree.

-Useful?

Yeah, for stashing Christmas contraband.

All them dingly-danglies hide a multitude of sins, you know.

Even the fairy on the top's got two ounces of tobacco stuffed up her tutu.

But throughout the '80s and '90s, there was one sitcom that kept on delivering the Christmas goods,

whether or not they fell off the back of a lorry.

Cooking the Christmas dinner has become Granddad's purpose in life.

All year round, he sits in that chair watching them tellies

like an unoiled, redundant cog.

But come Christmas time, he knows that he can whirr into action.

It's his role in the family circle.

Makes him feel he still has an important part to play.

You know, that he's still needed.

-Now you wouldn't want to take that away from him, would you? All for the sake of a little bit of...

-Botulism.

-What do you mean?

-No, no. All right, Del.

Why don't you do what I do, eh?

You know, just put the dinner in your mouth and think of England.

Shows like Only Fools And Horses, the Christmas Special,

even now, the more recent Only Fools And Horses Christmas Special...

if that one comes on, then you make an appointment to watch it.

It was something to look forward to.

You've maybe watched the Christmas film and then after that there would be the big Fools And Horses Special.

-And they never let you down.

-It's been running a long time.

It's got a reputation built in like Only Fools And Horses.

Therefore when you do a Christmas show, it has added publicity. Everybody knows what it is.

There's an expectation and people want to see it.

Hm, hm. Not bad. Not bad, Grandad.

Slightly underdone, maybe.

Slightly underdone?

I reckon the kiss of life would revive that turkey.

Just as you feel you can't take any more Christmas cheer, that you've been snowed, tinselled, egg-nogged,

carolled and crackered into the ground

with a relentless barrage of good will, TV offers a glimmer of hope.

Yes, the television gives you a chance to see people having a more stressful Christmas than you are...

the families in Britain's soap operas.

If you can't have a relaxed time, at least TV will allow you to wallow in other people's misery.

Come on, let's pull our crackers and then we can wear paper hats an' all.

-What for?

-Fun.

The annual serving of doom and gloom from our favourite soaps has become

something of a modern Christmas tradition,

but Christmas catastrophes weren't always the way of the soap.

Once upon a time, Coronation Street

used to imbue the festive season with real warmth and joy.

What is it, eh? Feels like a bread board.

It is a bread board. It's got the knife in the doings though, eh?

-A bread board?!

-Cigs, thank you very much, Vera.

-I'll have a packet of them.

-Get off! They were a present!

No! Fair dues! You can borrow my bread board!

EastEnders set the tone for most of its future seasonal offerings

with its very first Christmas Day episode back in 1986.

Den's surprise present to Angie drew in over 30 million viewers, a record that still stands today.

This, my sweet,

is a letter from my solicitor telling you that your husband has filed a petition for divorce.

Happy Christmas, Ange.

-Look out!

-Other soaps soon began to follow the formula of making Christmas go with a bang.

Although Emmerdale maybe took it a little far in 1993,

when its Christmas night of the long knives

wiped out most of its cast in a spectacular plane crash.

But it's EastEnders that has really stayed true to its early Christmas Day traditions

and kept the flag of festive misery flying year after gloomy year.

-What you doing?

-Aagh!

-Ugh!

-I said, "Eat!"

-Aaagh!

I think we all love those Christmas Specials.

Whatever soap you happen to follow

is going to have some amazing cataclysm happening at Christmas time.

And you're sitting thinking, it's the worst thing you can watch.

It's really depressing and you're thinking, "Huh, Christmas Day! We've arrived."

But these days, when it comes to Christmas on TV,

it's not always something out of the ordinary we want.

We want something very ordinary indeed.

The TV equivalent of a pair of socks and a box of three matching handkerchiefs.

Right, right, right. Here's a good one.

What is yellow and dangerous?

-Shark-infested custard.

-Yes, yes!

THEY LAUGH

Finding a humorous take on Christmas has occupied many a sitcom writer over the decades

and they've stopped the Christmas Special becoming humdrum by embracing the humdrum.

In recent years, the Christmas Special has enjoyed showing us the incredibly ordinary Christmas.

And could there be a more authentic Christmas than the one spent doing nothing but watching the telly?

This is the one day we all get together to watch the bloody television

and look at the shite they put on.

Well, that's going for a burton.

The Royale Family is a different kind of show.

It reflects the awful reality of Christmas.

You're sitting in front watching the Royale Family celebrating their Christmas

and you think, "We're doing the same thing."

The family's sitting down watching TV.

You've got relations who have popped in and you think, "Oh, when are they going?"

Will you give me a lift, Dave?

Course I will, Nana, yeah.

HE COUGHS

HE COUGHS AGAIN

Are you all right now then, Nana?

-Ooh.

-I'll take you now.

-All right.

It is brilliantly observed and quite cruel.

There's an element of schadenfreude in it,

which is not entirely attractive, but it is terribly funny.

Another comedy Christmas Special gave us a stark portrayal of Christmas at work.

How would you like to be remembered?

Simply as the man who put a smile on the face of all who he met.

The Office Christmas Show.

I hadn't... It was before I did Extras and I remember thinking, "I want to write to Ricky Gervais."

I didn't know him then. I thought, "I want to write to him and tell him how brilliant that was."

In 2003, the will-they, won't-they romance

of Tim and Dawn had fans of The Office on tenterhooks.

-..sunbathing, biting my nails.

-Sure. I am beginning to wonder if your heart is really in this job.

Dawn, you shouldn't be behind there.

-You don't work here any more.

-Look at the boss! Look at his little boss face.

-Right, shall we make a move?

Eh? Er...

-We can give it a few minutes, can't we?

-I know what you're like.

You'll have too much to drink tonight and moan all day tomorrow.

What about Secret Santas?

-Well, I'm sure you'll cope. I'll go and get the coats, all right?

-All right, mate.

He's given her that wonderful art kit and said, "Go away and do some drawing."

And that Secret Santa gift brought its own Christmas miracle.

Ah!

Careful! She's got a fiance.

I haven't. Not any more.

It's just fantastic. You want to cheer.

You're sitting at home wanting to cheer. It was a wonderful moment.

# It's Christmas time... #

So who have we turned to most recently for our Christmas fix of sitcom real-life?

A couple called Gavin and Stacey, who along with their friends and family

struggle with the peace and harmony of the season.

And the other good news...well, we see it as good news...

-is that the new job is with the new branch.

-Oh, very swish!

-In Cardiff.

-Cardiff?! You're going to be knackered, mate.

It's like a seven-hour round trip, innit? Every day.

-Are they paying your expenses?

-No...

-Look, the thing is...

-We're moving back to Barry.

-What?!

-Just for the first six months, to see how it goes.

-Oh, I get it!

-Six months?

-You!

You couldn't wait, could yer? Right from day one you got your claws in!

-Six months?

-And now you're trying to take him away from me.

-24 weeks?

-Let me just explain.

-Why are you shouting?

-Get your hands off me, Michael.

-I'm not shouting.

-His bosses have said it's a really good deal.

-How do you know?

-Gavin told me a few weeks back.

-Oh, my Jesus!

-So he knew about this!

We're sieged in. We're full of food.

We've probably had too much to drink.

We're not going anywhere, so we want our telly to be good and we want to welcome in old friends.

And I think for me that is what Christmas telly's about.

# And have yourself

# A merry little Christmas now. #

So there we have it. Christmas is about sharing,

togetherness and that warm glow

that means the fairy lights have just fused and set the tree on fire.

If you don't like Christmas that much,

remember it's not really for you.

It's for Noddy Holder and Roy Wood as they count their royalties.

It's for the TV producers who got their work done in August

and are now sunning themselves in the Bahamas.

And it's for the children's toy manufacturers.

Christmas television is enjoyed every year

by people who have eaten too much, drunk too much and fallen asleep.

And to be honest, if you dislike Christmas TV so much, what on earth have you been doing watching this?

It could have been worse. We could have revisited 50 years of White Heather Club Hogmanays.

Happy New Year! Goodbye!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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