Graham Norton's Big Red Chair The Graham Norton Show


Graham Norton's Big Red Chair

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This programme contains some strong language and adult humour.

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Someone utters one of the most terrifying phrases -

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"I have such a good story" -

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and there's nothing you can do to stop them,

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which is why we came up with this.

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We call it the Big Red Chair.

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-But before I could get away, it just lifted up and went...

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

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Basically I'd ruptured my whole testicle.

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Then we decided to dress up as prostitutes.

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Somebody smacked me, I pooped everywhere.

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I'll vote for you if you show me your tits.

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Welcome to the Big Red Chair,

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as we celebrate the history

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of one TV's most famous pieces of soft furnishing.

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Your best story ever, off you go.

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We'll meet some of the 500 storytellers

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who have graced the chair.

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LAUGHTER

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Many not for very long.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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You'll get the chance to hear again

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stories you've never forgotten.

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So the first thing you need to know

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is that my girlfriend and I were butt naked in bed.

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And many you wish you could.

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Oh! Oh! Oh!

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And we'll reveal the secret

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of how to tell the perfect Red Chair story.

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That is the most beautiful story I've ever heard.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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The Red Chair all started back in 2009,

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when we had one of our all-time favourite guests on the show,

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the late Ronnie Corbett. Now, we wanted to pay tribute

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to Ronnie's classic monologues

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and came up with the idea of letting some of the studio audience

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tell a Corbett-style story.

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-Hello, Charmaine.

-Hello!

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With a twist that if either of us got bored...

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-Is that it?

-I think that's the end.

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..I could flip them into oblivion.

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SHE SCREAMS, APPLAUSE

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So began the Big Red Chair.

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Now, all we had to do

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was find people who could tell good stories...

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and we did.

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-Hello.

-Hiya.

-What's your name?

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My name's Aileen.

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-Aileen?

-Yep.

-And I'm guessing you're from Ireland?

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I am, I'm from Derry.

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Oh, you're from Derry, from the north of the country.

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OK. And do you live there or here?

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Study here, I live over there.

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Oh, right, what are...? What are you studying?

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Costume design. Costume interpretation.

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OK, there will be subtitles on Friday.

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LAUGHTER

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Right now, only I can understand it.

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Well, you can probably understand it, too.

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-Yeah.

-I can't.

-No. So far, you're not missing anything.

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-Hello.

-Hello.

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-Hi, what's your name?

-Tony.

-Tony, lovely Tony.

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Nice to speak with you, Graham.

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It's good, Tony. What do you do?

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I work as a secondary school teacher, Graham.

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Oh, yes? Specific subject?

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No, I work with... Mainly now behaviour,

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-with all the little rascals.

-Oh, right.

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LAUGHTER

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OK, off you go.

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Right, so, late after Christmas, I was back home, um...

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Look at that face!

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Did you get any of it? Christmas.

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-Something about Christmas.

-Yeah, Christmas.

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That's the only good detail so far.

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Just pick out words, you'll follow the story.

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Just say, "Blah, blah, blah, Christmas, blah, blah, blah, home."

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I'm going into the shop

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and I had to get milk and bread.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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So I, literally, was really stressed,

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so I was like, "Run in, run out, get the groceries, let's go."

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Told my boyfriend do a lap and just pick me up, no need to park the car.

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So, as planned, I came out...

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You know, perfectly timing.

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Er, silver people carrier, just casually drifts by, casual speed.

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So, without hesitation, I sprint across,

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with my groceries...

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Jump in the back of the car,

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screaming and thumping the back of the chair,

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shouting, "Go, go, go, go!"

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But taking in mind it was Christmas and I had like a scarf up here

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-and a hat over here...

-LAUGHTER

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..I thought, which was my boyfriend? Turned out to be this middle aged,

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like, 60-year-old woman.

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"Jesus!"

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And pushed her foot on the accelerator and, like,

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pushed me into a lamppost.

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APPLAUSE Oh! It's a good story.

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You walk, you walk.

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Go, go, go. Well done. Very good.

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We'd just gone back to school in January, I've had...

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Got my new suit, I always like to get a new suit for the New Year.

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-Of course.

-And... Yeah, naturally. And what's happened is,

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I've gone into the canteen as normal,

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cos I always like to eat with the pupils and then go out on duty.

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So, I've gone down, it's me favourite -

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there's a little roast dinner.

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So I've gone into the queue, nice little bit of lamb, roast potatoes,

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greens, gravy and, er...

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I thought to myself, normally I don't get an afters, I thought,

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"I'll have a little afters, have a bit of apple pie and custard, lovely."

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So, I've got that, got me little tray,

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walk round where you go to get the forks and knives

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and as I've gone round, there must have been a bit of water.

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I didn't see the water. The old foot's gone,

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I thought, "Shit, I'm going over,"

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and it went in slow motion, I can still remember it,

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it was slow motion, and I've got the tray,

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I'm thinking, I've got to hold that tray.

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I've gone over, me back's hit the floor, the tray's gone over,

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I've got gravy, custard, apple pie and a little bit of lamb,

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and as I've looked up, through the gravy and the custard,

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I can see 100 teenagers going, "Sir's gone over!

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"Sir's gone over!"

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And that's me story, Graham.

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-Aw, he can walk.

-Give me a little flip, Graham. Give me a flip.

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OK, here you go.

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-Way!

-Well done, Tony.

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And from Monday morning, it's just like, "Sir, you're on telly,

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"you're a celebrity, you know Kevin Hart, he's your mate.

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"Ice Cube, he's your mate."

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I'm going, "Yeah he's me mate, he's me mate, yeah,

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"don't worry, we went out, had a drink."

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They're going, "Sir, you've got to get me on telly."

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I didn't expect, in any way, for as many people to really see it.

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I was, like, getting, like, people jumping out of their cars,

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to come over and get a photograph.

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And from there, it progresses

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where I'm on a corridor, I've got, like, kids,

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"Ah, Sir's gone over, Sir's gone over!"

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-ALL:

-Sir's gone over! Sir's gone over!

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And that went on for weeks.

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I remember finding this weird section on Facebook

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that's like your other outbox where people that aren't your friend

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can message you.

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So many different people from all over the world.

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A lot of like positive, like, "You don't know me, but that was amazing,

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"you really made my night."

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I had a few, um, marriage proposals, but it was fun.

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A lot of it, it was all positive, it was all, like, light-hearted.

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The thought of making people laugh is really, really nice.

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Nice to speak with you, Graham.

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You've got ordinary people, you know, from all backgrounds,

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different countries,

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different areas of Britain go on there and tell a story.

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That's what people remember, they remember that Red Chair.

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It's Graham Norton and the Red Chair go together.

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I think the Red Chair is so iconic and it is a classic,

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like it's a classic of humour that will never get old and I think,

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with me, it was a bit up and down, cos I was...

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I did... They couldn't understand me and they could work out that I

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had a bit of, like, energy,

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but they didn't know how well the story is going to tell,

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and I think that was really nice.

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Like, I really didn't think how much of an impact it would have.

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Go, go, go, go, go!

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CAR ENGINE SCREECHES

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What's the big deal? It's not even that scary.

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It was a moment of a lifetime.

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I just can't believe it, that all them people are looking at me, you know.

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Unbelievable, unbelievable.

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So far, we've had 500 stories told in the Red Chair and I think that

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qualifies as a fair, statistical sample to teach us about

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the audience for the show.

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Firstly, women are keener than men to tell their story.

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-Hiya.

-Hello.

-Hi.

-14% more, actually.

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And the geographical spread of our chair-fillers is truly amazing.

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Obviously, the locals dominate,

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but then come the Americans,

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and our favourites, the Kiwis.

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Then the Aussies, the Irish, the Northern Irish

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and the Scots.

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And the balance is made up by the South Africans,

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the French, the Welsh,

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the Mexicans, the Dutch, the Spanish, the Latvians, the Czechs,

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the Hungarians... Pretty much every developed country in the world,

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including those well-known yarn-spinners in Ecuador.

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The secret of telling a good story?

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Structure. And to have that, you need three things - a sold middle...

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My hand was paralysed for half a day and I had, er,

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no feeling in my arms for six months.

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LAUGHTER

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-A great opening...

-I used to ride an Arab stallion in the desert.

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Hello! LAUGHTER

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And a brilliant ending.

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His tiny, little penis rubbing against my hand.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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Though not necessarily in that order.

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This is not as easy as you think, which is what Mia discovered...

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-Hi.

-..when she took her turn in the Red Chair,

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and so began what is known world-wide now

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as The Mystery Of The Dog Basket Lady.

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So I was at a university reunion, in Baslow,

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which is up north somewhere in a big country house.

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We'd not seen each other in a while...

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Sorry.

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We were just having drinks, we went to the pub,

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got a bit lairy at the pub, no-pants dance, teddy bear rolls.

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Just standard on a night out.

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-We go back...

-No-pants dance?

-..have some more drinks...

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And then me and my friend go to get some drinks in the utility room and

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it's winter, it's just the winter just gone, so it's really cold,

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and the door shuts and there's no handle on the other side of the door.

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So we're like, "Oh, this is the utility room, no drinks in here."

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Anyway, banging on the door, banging on the door, half an hour, an hour,

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an hour and a half. They've all gone to bed, assumed we'd get to bed.

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We realise that we're stuck in this utility room,

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it was about minus three degrees and there's a dog basket and some coats

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and we watched a bit of Bear Grylls, so I think, "We're just going to

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"have to get in the dog basket

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"with my friend's parents' coats all around us,

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"try to make us a bed," and realise that you have to sort of take your

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clothes off to stay really warm, cos it was really, really cold, Graham, it really was.

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-And then, um...

-LAUGHTER

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..no-one's coming, we're banging on the door,

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we've got no phones, there's no toilet.

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I really, really need a wee at this point.

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There's just a bowl, so... With the dog basket!

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You know that, that happens. Then one thing leads to another

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in the dog basket, and he gets injured. Anyway...

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OK, there are so many bits of this story missing.

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So, you're having sex in a dog basket...

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No! I'm not, I'm not! I'm absolutely not!

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-We'd just..

-"One thing led to another."

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What else does that mean?!

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I just needed to make that innuendo.

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Anyway, he gets injured, there's a lot of blood everywhere, going on...

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From the dog, or...?

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There's no dog... Pull the lever, pull the lever, Graham, please.

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I'm going to pull the lever.

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LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

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We have no idea what went on in that dog basket and since the story was

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broadcast we have been asked countless times for an explanation.

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'To put the nation's mind at rest,

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'we've tried to track down Mia to fill in the gaps.'

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We did get a message eventually.

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"I'm in the Himalayas."

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'I think the mystery of the dog basket lady

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'may go on for some time.'

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Pull the lever, pull the lever, Graham, please.

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I'm going to pull the lever!

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500 stories in, there are some Red Chair patterns emerging,

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and through them, we can get a glimpse of what the world

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really cares about.

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That would be at number two in the Top Story Subjects...

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How can I put this?

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Bodily fluids.

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I peed myself.

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LAUGHTER Oh!

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I basically pooper-scooped my own poo

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out of the toilet.

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I saw that I had not in fact

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sat on a soft toilet seat but I'd actually sat and weed on my friend's

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elderly nan, who was also answering a call to nature.

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Oh, it's a double decky!

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I was sat down, having a nice little wee,

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when it turned out I wasn't actually going for a wee,

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it was actually a poo. Um... And it got stuck, as I was going,

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in between the outside of my bum and my bowel

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and the outside of my bum cheek,

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so I had to de-wedge it with some tissue.

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And in my frenzy, as I brought it round, it flew across the toilet.

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There was immediately a massive shriek from next door

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and all I could do was run.

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That's quite a good story. That is quite a good story, yeah.

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I turned my head to look down the toilet,

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which was not in a particularly lovely state,

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to see a rat swimming in the toilet, staring up at me.

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I'm ashamed to say I was so desperate for the toilet

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-that I peed on the rat.

-Yay! CHEERING

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OK, so I was out for a run with my friend Dunc and we're running past,

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running past a car and Dunc really needed to go for a poo.

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So we...

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We saw a toilet block, it was a men's and a woman's and...

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we ran over to the men's, and he was busting,

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he really needed to get this thing out of him,

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and the men's was closed,

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so at this stage he didn't even care,

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so he went over to the woman's toilets and that was closed as well.

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So he's frantically looking round, "Where can I go? Where can I go?"

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So he ran over to this

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bush and crouched down behind this bush and he went.

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And about 30 seconds later, I saw this big German Shepherd,

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came bounding over, and Dunc pulled his pants up,

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jogged off and then this...

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And then about 20 seconds later the owner of the German Shepherd

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came over and she was like, "Oh, Roy, you naughty boy"...

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LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

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..and picks up the poo, ties it to her belt,

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and then just wanders off with this poo dangling from her belt.

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You can walk! Well done. Very good story, very good story.

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And at number one, and how could there be any doubt about this?

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It's Sex & Nudity.

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So the first thing you need to know is that my girlfriend and I

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-were butt naked in bed.

-Oh.

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-And...

-Good start to any story.

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-Nice start.

-Yeah, very good start, very good start.

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110 metre hurdles, I'm up next.

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So, go and do my warm up, you know, brace myself,

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bearing in mind the 110 metre guys are, like, warming up,

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the hottest guys you've ever seen.

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So, I was like, brace myself, look them dead in the eye and was like,

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"Let's do this". One, two, three, jump.

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One, two, three, jump.

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One, two, three, 3.5,

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hurdle, me, crash, bang.

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Basically I popped my cherry on a hurdle.

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I had a...

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And we were in a train carriage travelling through South Africa,

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all of a sudden the train started to slow down...

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-Mm-hm.

-..and that sent me careering through the partition door,

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and I landed straight on top of the woman that was in the other cabin.

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It's at that moment when her husband woke up

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-and realised I was sitting on his wife's face.

-Ooh!

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Good story.

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When I first came to London,

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I was at a nightclub and I started dancing with this really cute guy

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and started making out with him.

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I went to a family reunion, it was actually my cousin,

0:14:460:14:49

that I didn't know who it was.

0:14:490:14:50

Ooh! Ooh, ooh!

0:14:500:14:53

Having fallen asleep in the cinema, I thought, "Go to the loo,

0:14:530:14:57

"get myself together, come back."

0:14:570:14:59

Thought, "I'm losing this guy here."

0:14:590:15:01

So I sat down and started having a little fumble in his lap

0:15:010:15:05

and this, um, girl leaned forward and said, um, "Excuse me,

0:15:050:15:09

"what are you doing with my boyfriend?"

0:15:090:15:12

I'm feeling up the wrong guy!

0:15:120:15:13

LAUGHTER

0:15:130:15:15

So, I'm in bed with an ex-lover of mine,

0:15:150:15:18

and we decided we'd engage in some grown-up activities.

0:15:180:15:22

-Yes.

-You know, dinner for two.

0:15:220:15:24

LAUGHTER

0:15:240:15:26

More than 68, but not quite 70.

0:15:260:15:28

Because I'm so lazy by nature, I'm on the bottom...

0:15:300:15:33

Um, so I can't breath through my mouth, obviously, cos it's full.

0:15:330:15:38

LAUGHTER AND GASPING

0:15:380:15:40

So, I've taken a very deep breath through my nose.

0:15:400:15:42

-SHE INHALES DEEPLY

-At which point his testicles

0:15:420:15:45

form a tight seal...

0:15:450:15:48

LAUGHTER

0:15:480:15:50

..across my nostrils, so I can't breath at all!

0:15:500:15:53

So, I'm wriggling around, panicking, he's thinking, obviously,

0:15:530:15:56

"Oh, she's loving this."

0:15:560:15:58

I'm going to do that, yeah.

0:15:580:16:00

LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:16:000:16:02

-What's your name, sir?

-My name's Howie Poon.

0:16:020:16:04

-Howie Poon?

-Yes.

0:16:040:16:06

-Er, what do you do, sir?

-I'm a flight attendant.

0:16:060:16:10

A flight attendant. OK, off you go with your story.

0:16:100:16:13

OK, so I had to take my 70-year-old Chinese mum

0:16:130:16:17

to her gynaecologist's check-up appointment and I had to...

0:16:170:16:21

Can I just say, already my hopes for this story are so high...

0:16:210:16:25

LAUGHTER AND WHOOPING

0:16:250:16:27

..I can't tell you!

0:16:270:16:30

So, basically, we get to the office,

0:16:300:16:32

I tell her gynaecologist that I have to translate.

0:16:320:16:36

The gynaecologist has a smirk on her face and says, "Well,

0:16:360:16:39

"I'm going to have to ask you a couple of uncomfortable questions,

0:16:390:16:43

"um, you know, to translate for your mum."

0:16:430:16:45

So she's like, "I need to know if your mum is sexually active

0:16:450:16:50

"and I need to know how active she is".

0:16:500:16:53

LAUGHTER

0:16:530:16:55

So, keep in mind she's 70 years old.

0:16:550:16:57

So, I um translate in Chinese, I'm like...

0:16:570:17:01

HE SPEAKS IN NATIVE LANGUAGE

0:17:010:17:03

Basically that means, "Do you guys still have sex?"

0:17:030:17:06

So my mum hits me in the shoulder, she's like, "You know your dad,

0:17:060:17:10

"of course we do, five to six times a week."

0:17:100:17:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:17:140:17:16

So...

0:17:170:17:18

-Yeah.

-Wow!

0:17:180:17:20

That's amazing.

0:17:200:17:21

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

0:17:210:17:23

So, basically, like, I'm completely embarrassed,

0:17:250:17:28

my mum's not even shy about it.

0:17:280:17:31

I go from, like, basically

0:17:310:17:34

embarrassed to depressed, cos Mum and Dad are getting more than I am.

0:17:340:17:38

Aww!

0:17:380:17:40

Can he walk? He should... You walk, yeah.

0:17:400:17:42

My parents like to go walking all the time in their neighbourhood

0:17:420:17:45

and a lot of their friends, who've seen the clip, they're like,

0:17:450:17:49

"It's good to see you walking again Mrs Poon!"

0:17:490:17:52

HE LAUGHS

0:17:520:17:54

Walk, walk.

0:17:540:17:55

When she first found out,

0:17:560:17:58

she thought I was crazy for telling this story.

0:17:580:18:04

She was, she was like,

0:18:040:18:05

"Why didn't you tell a story of how we struggled coming to America?"

0:18:050:18:10

And I was like, um...

0:18:100:18:12

"It's a funny show, no-one wants to hear your struggles," you know.

0:18:120:18:16

My dad actually was actually pretty proud, he's like,

0:18:160:18:19

"How do I find this on YouTube so I can show my friends?"

0:18:190:18:23

So what would Mr and Mrs Poon say is the secret to a happy marriage?

0:18:230:18:28

I think I might know the answer to this.

0:18:280:18:30

THEY LAUGH

0:18:350:18:37

Well, yeah, I didn't get to finish the story.

0:18:370:18:40

So, basically, after that translation, my mum, like,

0:18:400:18:44

hits me on the shoulder and she's like,

0:18:440:18:46

"Oh, and since your dad just got a pacemaker,

0:18:460:18:48

"could you ask the doctor if it's OK if we have sex?"

0:18:480:18:52

And the doctor translates to me and says,

0:18:520:18:55

"It's perfectly healthy for your dad to have a healthy sex life,

0:18:550:18:58

"just make sure he doesn't exert too much."

0:18:580:19:00

Maybe have your mum do the work and have her get on top sometimes."

0:19:000:19:05

And in my head, I'm just like,

0:19:050:19:06

"There is no way I'm going to translate that."

0:19:060:19:09

So in Chinese I basically go...

0:19:090:19:12

Told my mum, "Just have Dad take it easy."

0:19:120:19:14

HE LAUGHS

0:19:140:19:16

Now, I don't always have the patience to hear everybody's story.

0:19:160:19:19

If you don't grab my attention straightaway,

0:19:190:19:21

then prepare for whiplash.

0:19:210:19:23

This is it, the big time awaits.

0:19:230:19:25

If I ever want to have my hair cut,

0:19:250:19:27

I have to travel 150 miles, cos I...

0:19:270:19:29

LAUGHTER

0:19:290:19:31

-Hi.

-Hi.

0:19:310:19:32

Hi, Graham.

0:19:320:19:34

Hi.

0:19:340:19:36

-What's your name?

-Lettuce.

0:19:360:19:38

-What do you do, Jeremy?

-I'm a student.

0:19:390:19:41

I'm a storyteller.

0:19:410:19:43

I'm a real estate sustainability consultant.

0:19:430:19:46

APPLAUSE

0:19:460:19:48

So, I'm in France, on holiday with my sister.

0:19:480:19:51

It's meaner to let them start telling the story.

0:19:510:19:54

-Hello, Mr Graham Norton and guests.

-Hello.

0:19:540:19:57

HE MUTTERS

0:19:570:19:59

I didn't have time to put my underwear on.

0:19:590:20:02

SHE SCREAMS

0:20:020:20:03

He dressed to match a chair!

0:20:050:20:08

My story is about my pixies.

0:20:080:20:10

SHE SCREAMS

0:20:100:20:12

-Have you got a bag?

-I do have a bag, yeah, it's a laundry bag.

0:20:120:20:15

LAUGHTER

0:20:150:20:16

Who's up next?

0:20:160:20:18

Ooh!

0:20:180:20:19

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:20:190:20:21

I just didn't have the emotional energy to cope with that.

0:20:210:20:25

I apologise!

0:20:250:20:26

Come back and see us later in the series!

0:20:260:20:29

Not everybody gets to feel the wrath of the flip.

0:20:290:20:31

Catch me on a good night with a solid story

0:20:310:20:33

and I'll happily let you walk.

0:20:330:20:35

Shall we let her walk? Yeah, walk. Go on, walk.

0:20:350:20:37

It felt so good to walk.

0:20:370:20:39

You can walk! Well done, very good...

0:20:390:20:41

At the end of it, when I was just like, "Yes!"

0:20:410:20:44

I was so happy.

0:20:440:20:46

I was just... It just felt like I'd accomplished something.

0:20:460:20:49

When I was 13 years of age, I was playing golf

0:20:490:20:51

and I got struck by lightning.

0:20:510:20:53

Three friends watched me get hit by lightning.

0:20:530:20:55

I was really happy when I wasn't flipped

0:20:550:20:57

and was able to walk off happily.

0:20:570:20:59

You can walk, you can walk.

0:20:590:21:00

Yeah, I think it was a bit of an ego boost.

0:21:000:21:02

-Hello, what's your name?

-Hey, I'm Aran.

0:21:020:21:05

LAUGHTER

0:21:050:21:08

-Arn?

-Aran.

-Arn.

0:21:090:21:11

A-R-A-N, Aran.

0:21:110:21:13

Aran, he's Aran.

0:21:130:21:15

-Like the jumper.

-Yes, exactly the same, yes.

0:21:150:21:17

Like the jumper. Off you go with your story.

0:21:170:21:18

OK, so when I was 14, went on holiday to Tenerife with my parents,

0:21:180:21:21

had a great holiday, came home on the Sunday night,

0:21:210:21:24

to start school on the Monday.

0:21:240:21:26

On Sunday night, went for a shower, slapped on some after sun,

0:21:260:21:29

didn't really think much about it, till the next morning, woke up,

0:21:290:21:33

looked in the mirror, was covered in orange blotches.

0:21:330:21:36

Turned out I had used my mum's fake tan by accident,

0:21:360:21:41

instead of the after sun.

0:21:410:21:43

Went in, says to my mum, "No way, not going to school."

0:21:430:21:46

And she basically said, "No, you're definitely going,"

0:21:460:21:50

got sent to school, got taken there and basically was ridiculed all day

0:21:500:21:53

and got given the nickname Aran Brew!

0:21:530:21:56

LAUGHTER

0:21:560:21:57

That saved it, that saved it.

0:21:570:21:59

You can walk, Aran Brew. Very good!

0:21:590:22:01

Everyone says, "I can't believe you got to walk, if anything,

0:22:010:22:04

"you know, instead of getting flipped".

0:22:040:22:06

But then part of me secretly also wouldn't have minded being flipped.

0:22:060:22:09

-Hiya.

-Hi, what's your name?

0:22:090:22:11

My name's Kealy Peachy, I'm 25 and I'm from Hackney.

0:22:110:22:14

Yay! WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE

0:22:140:22:16

She's working the crowd, she's on fire.

0:22:160:22:18

-We love Hackney.

-I love Hackney.

0:22:180:22:20

-OK, and what do you do in Hackney? What do you do in Hackney?

-I work for a balloting company.

0:22:200:22:23

-A balloting company.

-So, we administer elections.

0:22:230:22:26

Oh, wow! Oh, so you're busy... once in a while.

0:22:260:22:29

LAUGHTER

0:22:290:22:30

Not at the moment, but OK. Off you go with your story.

0:22:320:22:35

OK, so I was 16 and I'd finally inherited an heirloom

0:22:350:22:39

that I'd wanted my entire life - it was a gun and not like...

0:22:390:22:42

LAUGHTER

0:22:420:22:44

The most you could do to hurt someone was hit it over the head.

0:22:440:22:47

Wait, wait, can I just say, yeah, she's got a gun, she's 16.

0:22:470:22:51

-She's 16.

-Yeah.

-And she's got a gun. This story may not go well.

0:22:510:22:54

It's perfectly normal in your country. It's perfectly normal.

0:22:540:22:57

And... So, basically, the day I got it,

0:22:570:22:59

I was just elated, and for some reason - please don't ask me why -

0:22:590:23:02

but I put my finger in the barrel and it got stuck.

0:23:020:23:06

So, this is the infamous gun.

0:23:060:23:08

As you can see, it's practically a stick and this is the barrel

0:23:080:23:12

where I decided to put my finger, because I'm an idiot.

0:23:120:23:16

So, in the end, I thought, "OK, I've got to go to A&E and get this thing off."

0:23:160:23:19

-I got in a cab with a jumper over...

-LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH

0:23:190:23:23

..put the gun in, in my jumper, as you do!

0:23:230:23:26

And I went to A&E and I thought, "OK what's the best way to do this?"

0:23:260:23:29

Cos there was genuinely sick people in A&E.

0:23:290:23:32

I went to the desk and I said to the lady...

0:23:320:23:34

I was like, whispered, "I'm really sorry,

0:23:340:23:36

"I don't mean to alarm you but I've got a gun stuck to my finger."

0:23:360:23:40

LAUGHTER

0:23:400:23:41

And she just flew back in her chair and screamed, "You've a gun?!"

0:23:410:23:44

I was like, "No, no, no."

0:23:440:23:46

The longer I was going on, I was like,

0:23:460:23:48

"OK, they're liking the story." I didn't think I'd walk

0:23:480:23:50

because you just don't know whether he's going to flip you for the sake of it.

0:23:500:23:53

You can walk! You can walk!

0:23:530:23:55

And the best bit, Lenny Kravitz gave me a standing ovation -

0:23:550:23:58

which is a claim to fame there.

0:23:580:24:00

Well done, that lady.

0:24:000:24:01

And just sometimes, you can get a second chance.

0:24:010:24:04

My name's Adam Shaw, Graham.

0:24:040:24:06

OK. And what do you do, Adam?

0:24:060:24:08

-I'm an actor.

-And where are you from?

0:24:080:24:10

-I'm from Pudsey.

-Pudsey?

0:24:100:24:12

Yeah...

0:24:120:24:13

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:24:130:24:15

Whoa! That's cold, man!

0:24:150:24:19

-Here, wait...

-Ah!

0:24:200:24:23

That guy looks... That guy actually looks familiar to me.

0:24:230:24:26

-You know him?

-Is he allowed to be back in the chair again?

0:24:260:24:29

Yeah, yeah, yeah. What Tom Hanks wants, Tom Hanks gets.

0:24:290:24:32

Oh, there he is, Adam.

0:24:320:24:34

OK, Joseph took again you, but Tom thought you looked familiar.

0:24:340:24:39

I am hopefully, yeah.

0:24:390:24:40

I owe Tom quite a lot, because my very first acting job

0:24:400:24:45

was Saving Private Ryan.

0:24:450:24:47

Oh, that's right! You were... We were in the Higgins boats together!

0:24:470:24:50

That's right, yeah, and I lied about being able to swim, I lied about being American.

0:24:500:24:53

-I'm actually from up...

-LAUGHTER

0:24:530:24:56

Tom, do you remember the AD showed me the action?

0:24:560:24:58

-He put me in the water with you.

-Yeah. Yes, yes...

0:24:580:25:00

And I turned to you and I said, "I've no idea what I'm doing!"

0:25:000:25:04

LAUGHTER

0:25:040:25:05

Is the end of this story that Tom Hanks saved your life?

0:25:070:25:09

He did, he saved... He really did save my life,

0:25:090:25:11

-literally saved my life.

-Did he really?

0:25:110:25:13

-Yeah, he did.

-It was pretty deep water as I recall.

0:25:130:25:16

-LAUGHTER

-You know... Yes.

0:25:160:25:19

-Can he walk?

-Huh?

0:25:190:25:20

Can he walk, or the flip? Walk? Flip?

0:25:200:25:22

-Well..

-Oh, he's walking.

0:25:220:25:25

He's such a nice, genuine, graceful man

0:25:250:25:29

that it was...

0:25:290:25:30

It was just like meeting an old friend, really.

0:25:300:25:33

When it was all done, I said, "Just out of drama school, huh?

0:25:330:25:36

"Welcome to the big time, kid!"

0:25:360:25:37

LAUGHTER

0:25:370:25:39

Good to see him again.

0:25:390:25:41

One topic that regularly pops up in the Red Chair is animals.

0:25:410:25:45

I mean, we're a nation of animal lovers, aren't we?

0:25:450:25:48

I was on a safari in Kenya, and we get to the giraffe bit,

0:25:480:25:52

where we see all the giraffes, and we have food,

0:25:520:25:55

and we come across a giraffe that decides to start going crazy.

0:25:550:25:59

My dad punched it in the head, but the driver's going crazy,

0:25:590:26:03

and he gets one of the tranquiliser gun things,

0:26:030:26:05

and just before he was about to shoot it,

0:26:050:26:08

he sort of lifted off, and then he sort of drove the car and spun off

0:26:080:26:11

and it was like a police car in a safari.

0:26:110:26:13

-Yeah, so we were all right.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:130:26:15

When I was seven years old, I went on holiday, with my mother,

0:26:160:26:19

to Egypt, and during my time there,

0:26:190:26:22

I saw a donkey that was fully erect.

0:26:220:26:24

That was your best story. "I saw a donkey with an erection."

0:26:280:26:32

..sort of watching rodeos on TV and unfortunately,

0:26:320:26:34

we didn't have any horses to practise on,

0:26:340:26:37

so I used to use our sheep on the farm.

0:26:370:26:39

And one day...

0:26:390:26:41

My granny wasn't very best pleased with this and, one day,

0:26:410:26:43

when I was like... I used to have a favourite sheep, called Sally,

0:26:430:26:46

and I was going at it good on Sally,

0:26:460:26:48

and Granny was just standing by the septic tank,

0:26:480:26:50

which is about six foot deep, and she was, like, telling me off,

0:26:500:26:53

and the sheep charged at her, bucked me off,

0:26:530:26:56

and both collided and both of them landed in the six-foot-deep crap.

0:26:560:26:59

Ugh! That's a horrible story.

0:26:590:27:02

This monkey took a liking to me and it started groping me

0:27:020:27:05

and grabbing my chest, and then I felt this sort of wetness

0:27:050:27:07

next to my ear. I turned my head and I saw

0:27:070:27:09

this great, big, red penis,

0:27:090:27:12

and he's put it in my ear.

0:27:120:27:13

SHE SCREAMS

0:27:130:27:14

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:27:140:27:16

-Wow.

-So you're the girl with the monkey dick!

0:27:170:27:20

I was always told to avoid the wild horses in the desert,

0:27:210:27:25

but on this occasion, I didn't notice them coming up,

0:27:250:27:28

so as they approached,

0:27:280:27:30

one of the mares whinnied to my stallion,

0:27:300:27:32

and my stallion whinnied back.

0:27:320:27:35

He then pricked up his ears - in fact, he pricked up everything.

0:27:350:27:38

LAUGHTER

0:27:380:27:39

So she seemed very willing,

0:27:390:27:41

so he decided to have his wicked way with her.

0:27:410:27:44

-With you on top?!

-With me on top.

0:27:440:27:46

You're working in a call centre...

0:27:460:27:48

Yeah, and a customer calls, he's hysterically crying

0:27:480:27:51

and I was like, "Oh, my goodness, sir, are you OK?

0:27:510:27:54

"What's wrong?" He was telling me that he's...

0:27:540:27:56

People came out to fix his internet and they left some live wires

0:27:560:28:00

in his garden. He told me that his dog chewed on the wire...

0:28:000:28:04

AUDIENCE GASPS

0:28:040:28:06

..kind of electrocuted itself.

0:28:060:28:08

"Oh, my goodness, sir, what was the dog's name?"

0:28:080:28:11

He was like, "Sparky."

0:28:110:28:12

No! No...

0:28:120:28:15

Let him live, let him live.

0:28:150:28:18

-I'm Jon.

-Hello, Jon. Hi.

0:28:190:28:21

And where do you live, John?

0:28:210:28:22

-Staines.

-Staines. John from Staines.

0:28:220:28:25

OK. And what do you do, John?

0:28:250:28:27

I'm an electronics engineer.

0:28:270:28:28

-OK! This is it, ladies and gentlemen. DAVID:

-Come on!

0:28:280:28:31

I don't think we've ever had an electronics engineer

0:28:310:28:34

on the show before. So we've high hopes for you, John.

0:28:340:28:38

Off you go with your story.

0:28:380:28:40

OK, this happened in 1980 when I was at school in Devizes, which...

0:28:400:28:43

Excellent, it's a period piece, Harvey.

0:28:430:28:46

The budget will be higher, but there's a lot...

0:28:460:28:49

People are very... They like that, they like that.

0:28:490:28:51

-Go on.

-OK, I was at school in Devizes,

0:28:510:28:53

which is a small town near Swindon.

0:28:530:28:55

-Yes.

-And in the dinner queue, in the distance, on the school field,

0:28:550:28:58

I saw what looked like a Great Dane bounding towards us,

0:28:580:29:00

and everyone laughed because somebody's dog

0:29:000:29:02

had obviously followed them to school.

0:29:020:29:04

But it came on at phenomenal speed,

0:29:040:29:06

came up the steps where I was standing,

0:29:060:29:07

brushed past my leg and smashed straight through

0:29:070:29:09

the plate-glass window behind me,

0:29:090:29:11

and when we looked through the hole in the door, it was a lion, Graham!

0:29:110:29:14

Jon! Jon! Come on, Harvey!

0:29:140:29:17

-This is a good story.

-Africa.

0:29:170:29:20

No, seriously. No, he's in Devizes.

0:29:200:29:22

-We could do it in Africa.

-He's in Deviz...

0:29:220:29:24

It's better cos he's in England.

0:29:240:29:25

-Right, OK.

-You don't expect... In Africa, it's a lion, who cares?

0:29:250:29:28

In Devizes, it's a fucking lion!

0:29:280:29:32

LAUGHTER What's it doing there?!

0:29:320:29:34

-Jon, what happened?

-So I thought,

0:29:340:29:36

"This is my chance to go running in to the headmaster

0:29:360:29:38

-"and actually get away with swearing."

-Yes.

0:29:380:29:40

So I ran into the dinner hall.

0:29:400:29:41

That's your first thought!

0:29:410:29:43

I ran into the dinner hall and shouted,

0:29:430:29:46

"There's a flipping lion in the classroom!", and he said,

0:29:460:29:49

"Jon, go and stand outside my office,"

0:29:490:29:51

but the whole of the rest of the school

0:29:510:29:52

came running in at that moment and so it backed up my story.

0:29:520:29:55

And so he went and had a look,

0:29:550:29:56

and of course there it was chewing the table legs

0:29:560:29:58

and the corners of the desks and stuff.

0:29:580:30:00

-JESSIE:

-Where did it come from?

-Good question.

0:30:000:30:02

That's why... That's why we're gripped to our seats.

0:30:020:30:05

Where did the lion come from? Well, no, wait a minute.

0:30:050:30:07

What...? So, did it kill anyone?

0:30:070:30:09

-No, they were...

-Did it maim anyone?

0:30:090:30:11

-No.

-Was it really a lion or have you lied?

0:30:110:30:13

It was actually a lion.

0:30:130:30:15

Was it a dog with a balaclava on?

0:30:150:30:17

LAUGHTER

0:30:170:30:18

And police marksmen were at the school the whole afternoon

0:30:180:30:20

while we hid in the library,

0:30:200:30:22

and they rounded up these two lions that got into the school.

0:30:220:30:25

-Two? DAVID:

-What?!

-And what had happened was that

0:30:250:30:27

the travelling circus had arrived in town

0:30:270:30:29

-while we were at morning lessons.

-Is this just an Enid Blyton story...

0:30:290:30:33

you're recycling for the purpose of our show?

0:30:330:30:36

The brilliant thing about this story is that...

0:30:360:30:38

For today, is that the lions turned out to be called Girlie and Jessie.

0:30:380:30:42

Aww.

0:30:420:30:44

-UNCONVINCING:

-Aww.

-LAUGHTER

0:30:440:30:47

I think we have to let John walk.

0:30:480:30:50

-Yeah.

-He was attacked by a lion!

0:30:500:30:53

It was great, because I'm a big Dr Who fan,

0:30:530:30:55

so to tell my story in front of David Tennant was fantastic.

0:30:550:30:59

You can walk. Walk.

0:30:590:31:01

The only concern I had that maybe people would think I'd made it up,

0:31:010:31:04

that's the amazing thing about it -

0:31:040:31:06

you know, it really happened.

0:31:060:31:08

Is this just an Enid Blyton story you're...

0:31:080:31:11

you're recycling for the purpose of our show?

0:31:110:31:13

I was in geography, I think, and the head mistress came in and said,

0:31:130:31:16

"Did anyone see the lions?

0:31:160:31:17

"Because there's a reporter from the Sunday Times

0:31:170:31:19

"who wants to speak to somebody,"

0:31:190:31:21

so I put my hand up straightaway

0:31:210:31:23

and went and talked to the reporter.

0:31:230:31:25

And it was after that that I got grabbed by the local TV news

0:31:250:31:29

as well, which was, you know, miles more exciting.

0:31:290:31:31

Well, I was standing there by the door,

0:31:310:31:33

and I saw this shape come across the grass,

0:31:330:31:35

it looked like a Great Dane at first, and it just sort of

0:31:350:31:38

bounded up the steps, didn't stop or anything,

0:31:380:31:40

went straight through the glass,

0:31:400:31:42

and I looked in there and I realised it was a lion.

0:31:420:31:44

And I just ran straight in through there and told the teachers.

0:31:440:31:47

My parents didn't believe me when I got home from school and said,

0:31:470:31:50

"Oh, you know, there's been a lion in the school

0:31:500:31:52

"and I've got on telly." They just said,

0:31:520:31:55

"Oh, don't be so silly", you know.

0:31:550:31:57

My little sister said that I'd gone viral on the internet

0:31:570:32:00

and I think there's a Devizes blog called Spotted in Devizes,

0:32:000:32:04

and it was all over that.

0:32:040:32:06

It was a case of just telling everybody that would listen,

0:32:060:32:09

and I'm still doing it today!

0:32:090:32:11

One nation that has embraced the Red Chair

0:32:110:32:14

like no other is New Zealand.

0:32:140:32:16

-You're from?

-New Zealand.

0:32:160:32:17

-Where are you from?

-I'm from New Zealand.

0:32:170:32:19

I am from New Zealand.

0:32:190:32:20

Are you from New Zealand?

0:32:200:32:21

-Yes.

-We love... We love New Zealand!

0:32:210:32:24

New Zealand must be empty.

0:32:240:32:26

You must go to New Zealand and just, the airport is deserted,

0:32:260:32:29

they're all queueing for the Red Chair.

0:32:290:32:32

The only problem is, they often seem to be telling their tale

0:32:320:32:34

in a language that's not quite English.

0:32:340:32:37

-And what's your name, sir?

-My name's Brad.

0:32:370:32:39

-Bread?!

-Brad.

-Brad.

0:32:390:32:42

We wanted to find out what drives the Kiwi attraction

0:32:420:32:46

to the Red Chair, so we went to the top.

0:32:460:32:48

I mean, the very top.

0:32:480:32:50

The Graham Norton Show exports incredibly well to New Zealand.

0:32:500:32:53

It's got a really strong following across multi-generations.

0:32:530:32:57

It's invariably a highlight of the New Zealand viewing week.

0:32:570:33:00

-I'm from New Zealand.

-GASPING: Oh, we have a...

0:33:000:33:02

No, no, wait, wait, wait.

0:33:020:33:03

New Zealand stories are often very good and, even if not,

0:33:030:33:06

accent - hilarious.

0:33:060:33:07

I think New Zealanders don't take themselves too seriously,

0:33:090:33:12

and they also love a little bit of limelight, I think.

0:33:120:33:14

-What's your name?

-I'm Rafferty Fox.

0:33:140:33:16

So your mother and father decided to name you Rafferty?

0:33:190:33:22

Yeah, it's Dad's favourite pub.

0:33:220:33:25

The chance to show your mum and dad that you are still alive

0:33:270:33:31

and in one piece in the UK,

0:33:310:33:32

it's much easier to do that through a Graham Norton segment

0:33:320:33:35

on the Red Chair than it is to phone or Skype home.

0:33:350:33:38

-Who are you?

-Simon.

0:33:380:33:40

-This is Simon.

-For me, when I think of the Red Chair, I think of Simon.

0:33:400:33:43

To me, that was a really memorable New Zealand moment.

0:33:430:33:45

-Off you go.

-OK, when I was ten, my parents

0:33:450:33:48

-took me to a small farm in...

-LAUGHTER

0:33:480:33:50

Don't laugh at how I say "ten".

0:33:500:33:53

I think we take the poking of fun at our accent in really good humour

0:33:530:33:56

as long as you don't confuse us for Australians.

0:33:560:33:58

Anyway, we were going to a small farmers' sale,

0:33:580:34:01

we took the ute there, and so...

0:34:010:34:02

I can't understand a word you are saying!

0:34:020:34:06

-OK.

-Dad was looking for some animals and things

0:34:090:34:11

to take home to our farm,

0:34:110:34:13

and so, anyway, him and Mum spotted this new dining room table.

0:34:130:34:16

And I was just wandering round

0:34:160:34:18

in my Jandals and, you know, just checking out the stuff.

0:34:180:34:21

Mum and Dad spotted this table and chairs that they thought,

0:34:210:34:24

"That's going to be perfect in the dining room."

0:34:240:34:26

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER CONTINUES

0:34:260:34:27

We put it on the back of the ute and we're going home.

0:34:270:34:29

Us boys are sitting up...

0:34:290:34:31

Me and my two brothers were sitting up in the back of the ute,

0:34:310:34:33

in the chairs, in the dining room table chairs.

0:34:330:34:35

Dad thinks it will be a good idea, "Oh, I know what we'll do,

0:34:350:34:38

"you boys want some ice cream out the back?"

0:34:380:34:40

You know. So we're like, "Yeah, absolutely."

0:34:400:34:42

The next thing you know,

0:34:420:34:43

we're all sitting there, licking our ice creams, sitting on the back.

0:34:430:34:46

Dad decides, seeing a bit of Formula 1,

0:34:460:34:49

he'd like to take the corner probably a bit quicker

0:34:490:34:51

than he should have. Me on my chair...

0:34:510:34:54

Bang! Fall down on the road.

0:34:540:34:56

Like that!

0:34:560:34:57

I hope there will be many more New Zealanders

0:35:000:35:02

in the Red Chair, and my message to them would be...

0:35:020:35:05

you're part of the New Zealand community...

0:35:050:35:08

MUSIC: God Defend New Zealand

0:35:080:35:09

..that's taking over global entertainment,

0:35:090:35:11

one chair story at a time.

0:35:110:35:13

So, remember, you're a representative of our great country.

0:35:130:35:16

Do your best.

0:35:160:35:18

What we really like on the Red Chair is the truly unexpected,

0:35:180:35:21

and sometimes that can take a little bit of preparation.

0:35:210:35:24

Can any of you explain this tweet that was sent to the show?

0:35:240:35:27

HE READS ALOUD

0:35:290:35:32

This is Thomas. So, which of you knows Thomas?

0:35:320:35:34

You? What's your name?

0:35:340:35:36

I'm Jessica.

0:35:360:35:37

Jessica. And why is Thomas upset with us?

0:35:370:35:41

Thomas is upset because I've postponed a date for the second time

0:35:410:35:45

so that I could come and be here and meet Kylie.

0:35:450:35:49

I'm getting the blame for everything tonight!

0:35:490:35:51

Is he your boyfriend?

0:35:510:35:53

No, no... I... We have not been on a date yet because I keep...

0:35:530:35:56

So you put him off...?

0:35:560:35:58

Why did you put him off with the first time?

0:35:580:36:00

My sister, and this time, Kylie.

0:36:000:36:02

OK, you know that book Not That Into You?

0:36:020:36:06

-Are you into...? Are you into him?

-I don't know.

0:36:060:36:11

-You don't know?

-Well, clearly not that into him, she's...

0:36:110:36:14

She's fobbed him off twice.

0:36:140:36:15

Let's make this week's visit to the Red Chair just before we go.

0:36:150:36:18

Hello, who's there? Hello, sir.

0:36:180:36:20

-Hello.

-What's your name?

-Thomas.

-OK, and where are you from?

0:36:200:36:23

-I'm from Durham.

-Durham.

0:36:230:36:25

-All right, but do you live here now?

-Yes.

-OK, very good.

0:36:250:36:27

Off you go with your story, Thomas.

0:36:270:36:29

So, I asked a girl out a couple of weeks ago, and she said yes,

0:36:290:36:33

which was great because she is quite hot,

0:36:330:36:34

-and I really enjoyed...

-KYLIE GASPS

0:36:340:36:36

But she cancelled on me once

0:36:390:36:40

and then we rescheduled for tonight, and she cancelled on me again...

0:36:400:36:43

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:36:430:36:45

..so she could come here and watch Kylie Minogue.

0:36:450:36:48

So, as I had no plans tonight, I thought I'd come down

0:36:480:36:50

and see if she wanted to rearrange for next week.

0:36:500:36:53

Wow, can I just say, Thomas,

0:36:530:36:55

you're very keen, because she has given you

0:36:550:36:59

no indication that she is!

0:36:590:37:01

Oh, dear. Well, I guess he didn't...

0:37:030:37:05

Look, the good thing is he didn't make other plans.

0:37:050:37:07

-That's good.

-Yeah.

-OK, so...

0:37:070:37:09

So this is your decision now.

0:37:090:37:10

This is you, this is you sending a message to him.

0:37:100:37:15

So, Jessica, are we going to flip Thomas

0:37:150:37:17

or are we going to let Thomas walk?

0:37:170:37:19

This is... Oh, OK.

0:37:190:37:21

-MAN:

-Please get Kylie to...

0:37:240:37:25

-Kylie, please will you lever him off the Red Chair?

-Oh, no!

0:37:250:37:28

Oh! Oh!

0:37:300:37:32

No! Oh, that's the worst ever!

0:37:320:37:35

Oh, let's just end it, let's just end it!

0:37:350:37:37

Oh! Oh! Oh, my God.

0:37:370:37:43

Brutal. Well, literally dumped.

0:37:430:37:48

They never even went on a date and he got dumped!

0:37:500:37:54

-Oh!

-He's going to be having nightmares the rest of his life.

0:37:540:37:56

-Oh, he's really in shock.

-..you levered him off.

-Oh!

0:37:560:38:00

I was quite disappointed Kylie didn't step up and say,

0:38:000:38:03

"Well, if you aren't going to take him out, I will!"

0:38:030:38:05

Jessica, what were you thinking?

0:38:050:38:07

Both me and Jessica got quite a lot of criticism afterwards.

0:38:070:38:10

There was quite a lot aimed at her for being so brutal,

0:38:100:38:13

which I didn't see in the first place.

0:38:130:38:16

And there was a lot aimed at me for being...

0:38:160:38:18

How dare I go on national TV and put her in that kind of situation?

0:38:180:38:21

We'd arranged the date for the Thursday,

0:38:210:38:23

which was obviously the night of filming.

0:38:230:38:24

When she called me on Tuesday I was like,

0:38:240:38:26

"Oh, there's a reason, she's called,

0:38:260:38:28

"there's only one reason to call and that's to cancel."

0:38:280:38:30

So, she explained why, why she was missing it.

0:38:300:38:33

So I put a Facebook status on saying,

0:38:330:38:34

"This is the weirdest excuse not to go on a date with me ever."

0:38:340:38:37

At the end of my status I put,

0:38:370:38:38

"I should tell this story in the Red Chair."

0:38:380:38:40

And then obviously all my friends were like, "Oh, my God, Thomas,

0:38:400:38:43

"you totally should go and tell this story in the Red Chair."

0:38:430:38:45

So I screenshotted the status and tweeted

0:38:450:38:47

The Graham Norton Show, and from there it was,

0:38:470:38:49

"Would you be up for coming on the show?"

0:38:490:38:51

Cos they didn't want Jess to know I was there at any point,

0:38:510:38:53

I watched the whole of the recording from the green room,

0:38:530:38:56

so I got to watch it with a Peroni and a handfull of crisps.

0:38:560:38:59

I was like, "This is really cool."

0:38:590:39:01

-Please will you lever him off the Red Chair?

-Oh, no!

0:39:010:39:04

If you Google "guy gets rejected"

0:39:040:39:07

I'm the number one hit on Google

0:39:070:39:09

and especially YouTube, because the YouTube clip's had over

0:39:090:39:12

three and a half million hits. Erm, which is a nice claim to fame!

0:39:120:39:17

It's not a nice claim to fame, but there you go,

0:39:170:39:19

that IS my claim to fame.

0:39:190:39:20

I'm still single now, so my 15 minutes of fame is

0:39:200:39:24

for being dumped on TV and being a...hopeless singleton

0:39:240:39:29

it would seem, so...yeah.

0:39:290:39:31

'When you're telling a story,

0:39:310:39:33

'remember it's not just me you need to keep interested -

0:39:330:39:35

'it's also the celebrity guests,

0:39:350:39:37

'and if they're not entertained, they can be ruthless.'

0:39:370:39:40

-Let's have some stories.

-This is my favourite thing ever.

0:39:400:39:42

Oh, is this...? Do you want to operate it?

0:39:420:39:44

-Yes.

-OK.

-Does this move?

0:39:440:39:45

Yeah, of course it does. Oh, look at him, he's on it.

0:39:450:39:48

-Righty-ho, then.

-You look like you mean business.

0:39:480:39:51

I don't know how many people are out there,

0:39:510:39:53

but I imagine we're going to run out.

0:39:530:39:55

Why don't you do that and see what happens?

0:39:550:39:57

-Right now?

-See what happens.

0:39:570:39:58

Oh!

0:39:580:40:00

-And what do you do in North London?

-Shall we see if this works?

0:40:000:40:02

-I'm a student.

-What do you study?

-Journalism and PR.

0:40:020:40:05

LAUGHTER

0:40:050:40:07

A couple of years ago, when I was living in Germany,

0:40:070:40:10

being there with the...

0:40:100:40:12

That was amazing!

0:40:120:40:14

Russell, Last year, I went to a music festival down in Newquay.

0:40:140:40:17

-He's a New Zealander, is he?

-New Zealander, yeah.

0:40:170:40:20

LAUGHTER

0:40:200:40:22

This is a few years ago, in my heyday...

0:40:240:40:27

Whoa!

0:40:270:40:28

Oh, the world is so beautiful.

0:40:280:40:31

-Hello.

-Hi, there, you all right?

0:40:310:40:34

Not impressed.

0:40:340:40:35

We went for dinner and then, afterwards,

0:40:350:40:37

we went to the bar and I was really full...

0:40:370:40:38

You're going for a ride, baby.

0:40:380:40:40

Holy shit, I've got to get one of these at home.

0:40:400:40:44

Do you want a go? Do you want a go in the chair?

0:40:440:40:46

OK, go, Hugh, go.

0:40:460:40:47

-Who's up next?

-Hi!

0:40:470:40:49

-Hi.

-Hi, I'm Hugh, I'm from West Sussex.

0:40:490:40:51

-Hi, Hugh.

-Hi, I'd just like to say that I think Matt Damon...

0:40:510:40:55

-Boom.

-Hurray!

0:40:550:40:57

This is the best time I've ever had on a talk show.

0:40:570:41:00

Oh, bless you.

0:41:000:41:02

Emilia, you are gorgeous, by the way. If it don't work out with Joey,

0:41:020:41:05

-give me a bell.

-Thank you so much.

0:41:050:41:07

Oh, you look so nervous, don't be. Well, Russell... He's looking benign.

0:41:090:41:12

-Don't be nervous, love.

-Oh, no.

0:41:120:41:14

-Is that a moustache?

-A beard.

0:41:150:41:17

Fantastic.

0:41:190:41:20

This is my way to say how much you mean to me, and after reading this,

0:41:200:41:24

you'll know just how I feel.

0:41:240:41:26

I was driving home from the library, and I'm at the lights...

0:41:280:41:32

Goodbye!

0:41:320:41:34

HE GRUNTS

0:41:350:41:36

I was too bad, I couldn't wear it again...

0:41:360:41:39

Whoa!

0:41:390:41:40

I'm a huge fan of Dawn French,

0:41:400:41:42

and I asked if I could have her autograph.

0:41:420:41:45

-Oh, get rid of her.

-And she said..."Get lost."

0:41:450:41:49

No, I didn't! Lies, lies!

0:41:490:41:53

-Who's up next?

-Hello.

-Oh, my God.

0:41:550:41:58

Oh, my God!

0:42:010:42:03

This is a story all about how my life got flipped...

0:42:060:42:09

Don't you dare.

0:42:090:42:10

LAUGHTER

0:42:100:42:11

-Go on, baby.

-..chilling out, maxing, relaxing, all cool,

0:42:130:42:17

and shooting some b-ball outside of the school.

0:42:170:42:19

Yes, yes!

0:42:190:42:20

When a couple of guys, they were up to no good...

0:42:200:42:22

This is a bit of a boo-hoo.

0:42:220:42:24

..started making trouble in my neighbourhood...

0:42:240:42:26

Yes, what happened, baby?

0:42:260:42:28

..I got in one little fight and my mum got scared...

0:42:280:42:30

What she say?!

0:42:300:42:32

You're moving with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air.

0:42:320:42:34

-Yes! Yes!

-Well done, young lady!

0:42:340:42:36

We got some food off a stall cos we were cheap

0:42:360:42:38

and trying to be cultural.

0:42:380:42:40

Oh, shut the fuck up.

0:42:400:42:42

LAUGHTER

0:42:420:42:44

So, there you have it, the Big Red Chair.

0:42:470:42:49

Its winners and losers and all the horror and laughter

0:42:490:42:52

it's brought us over the years.

0:42:520:42:54

Now, I hope you've been paying attention

0:42:540:42:56

to the best way to tell a story because, you never know,

0:42:560:42:59

one night you may find yourself on this

0:42:590:43:01

oversized, comfy chair and hear me asking you to tell your story.

0:43:010:43:06

Will it be pain or glory?

0:43:060:43:08

Will it ever get to that punchline?

0:43:080:43:10

Was there ever a punchline?

0:43:100:43:12

I, of course, will never be in that situation,

0:43:120:43:13

but it doesn't feel that bad here.

0:43:130:43:15

I mean, what's the worst that could happen?

0:43:150:43:17

SOUND OF CHAIR BUCKING

0:43:170:43:19

Oh, that.

0:43:210:43:22

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