Episode 1 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong You are Graham Norton? You are

Graham Norton? I have come from the future with an important mission.

Yes? I will be your special guest CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You lovely

people. Yes everyone, we're back! APPLAUSE

How nice it is to be back. So, what have we missed? Well, what a summer

for the royals, hey? Thank God we've only seen two of those people

naked. LAUGHTER

We've got a great show tonight. Action hero turned politician

turned back to action hero, the one and only, Arnold Schwarzenegger!

APPLAUSE I know! How cool is that? Comedy

ledge end, Ronnie Corbett is on the show!

APPLAUSE Britain's funniest woman, Miranda

Hart is here! APPLAUSE

And we've got music from the brilliant Usher!

CHEERING That's good.

All right. All right. Oh, my God. St John's ambulance standing by.

Alert Usher security, alert security, extra people needed. Now

tonight, actually, the show is going to be a reunion for Arnold

Schwarzenegger and Ronnie Corbett. I believe they have met before.

The picture turned out nice, didn't it? Of course, Arnie started off as

a body builder. That's him winning the title of Mr Universe. You do

think, what was the last time I saw biceps like that, hey?

LAUGHTER Beef jerky. That's that friendship

ruined. Arnie has had a varied film career. He starred in Junior. Look

at that everyone. So far fetched as if a bloke could get pregnant and

have a baby. Is it twins? One of his biggest

comedy hits was Kindergarten Cop, where he goes under cover as a

primary school teacher. Here he is at the start of the day. Aahhh...

Here he is halfway through finger painting. Ofsted will probably mark

him down for that. Of course, Arnie is best known as one of the great

all-time action heroes. There he is, I tell you, stick Arnie on two

wheels and he never fails to look cool. Well... I'm not going through

the side gates you plebs (as Arnold Schwarzenegger ( Later we'll have

music from Usher. First, it's hello from him, it's

Ronnie Corbett. APPLAUSE

Thank you so much for coming to see us. Lovely to see you.

Have a seat. That's yours there. Very good. Time for a chat, it's

Miranda Hart! APPLAUSE

Lovely. And when it comes to action movies, he's the governor, it's

Arnold Schwarzenegger! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Wow.

Hello Sir. You're very welcome. Sit yourself down.

Amazing. Lovely to see you all. Fabulous. Spoiled for choice.

Obviously, I've met you before, are you still governor? Are you Mr

Schwarzenegger? Arnold? Well it's your show, can you call me anything

you want. No, no, no. You're my guest. You can call me Arnie,

Arnold. Swartsy. The governator. Arnie. All rielgt. Is it a cold

that you have? By the time this show is over, you will have more

coughs I can guarantee you. I don't want to ruin your jokes or anything

like that. We might go home with an Arnold Schwarzenegger cough. I will

have caught something off Arnie. Are you all familiar with each

other's moves? Have you seen each other's work? I'm very familiar

with Miranda. But less familiar with Arnold. I'm very familiar with

a potential Twins 2 co-star. You'd be perfect. Doesn't he remind you

about Danny Devito. Something about him. There are similarities. You

are much taller. Danny is 4'9" and you're 4'9"-and-a-half. I'm 5'1"-

and-a-half. Back off Arnie! Was there a story at one stage that you

were going to be in Miranda. Was that a rumour? The show!

Unacceptable. Yes, there was... had a thought. I had a thought that

Ronnie could perhaps be my father. That would be funny. Yes. What

happened to it? Awkward. APPLAUSE

Moving along. Now, you look at the couch, there are physical

differences between everybody on the couch. I suppose the most

striking thing is that Arnie, you built your body. Most people are as

they're born. But you decided, right, I'm going to look very

different. How old were you when you decided you were going to build

your body? I was 1 years old. -- 15 years old. I saw a magazine called

Muscle and Fitness. On the cover was a British body builder champion

who won the Mr Universe competition three times. I got really inspired

by his story, how he trained five, six hours a day, became Mr Universe

and then got to be the Hurricane Leez, the star of the movies. I

wanted to have exactly the same career. I started training and

became a fan attic. I believe at some point your mother, when you

were a teenager, you had posters on your wall and your mother got

worried. Well I... That's true. For inspiration I put on my bedroom

wall all those champions, boxers, Muhammad Ali, weightlifters, power

lifters, strong men, body builders. I showed off to my mother, look how

I decorated my wall. She looked at it and started crying. She was very

concerned about that, that I love oiled up men. Yes. So there was a

tremendous concern there. Arnie's books on body building are still

the go-to book. It's never too late, Ronnie. If you want to learn, it's

all in there. Oh, my God. It's very heavy, I warn you. Are you all

right? It's very heavy. I'm acting. Oh, you're acting. That's very good.

APPLAUSE There's this one, Arnold's body

building for men. I've been to the gym a bit and I just wondered if

you'd explain, what muscle is he exercising in this pose? He's

exercising the obliques. Question answered. Thank you very much.

due think? I didn't know. That's why I was asking. Ronnie, is it

golf you're mad about? Yes. That's exercise, isn't it? Absolutely.

I've got my own little tread mill at home. There you have it. I only

do widths you know. LAUGHTER

You play golf with some extraordinary people. Oh, yes. I

play with a lot of the great Americans, Jack Nicholas, Arnold

Palmer, Gary Player in the one day. I don't play as much now because of

my replaced knee. But I still play every day. Well...

LAUGHTER How much more often could you do

it? Day and night. Twice a day. standing with a torch. "Can we go

home now?" Where are you? In the healther. You're looking very

svelte. Am I? Bless you. I said that. He did actually. Are you

working out? I don't really like... Cut down your carbohydrates I would

have thought, have you? She did eat like a pig. Oh, yeah. She was like

an animal. No. No. The last time, when we met, we did have a curry.

That was all about the naan. does he say you eat like an animal.

I'm joking. No, really. I'm aware I keep touching you, is that

acceptable? Sorry. I keep doing that, like a magnet. If I do it,

they call it groping. LAUGHTER

If you do it, it's OK. Feel free. Grope away. Is it

swimming you do? Swimming. I don't like the institution of the gym. I

don't like it. Swimming annoys me at the gym because you've got these

stupid lane systems. The fast lane, if you attempt, people get very

cross because you can't keep up. Then you're scared because you feel

someone coming behind you. Then you go to the slow lane and you have an

octogenarian in your face. Sorry. LAUGHTER

No. You've got lovely feet. It's just a very wrinkly foot in one's

face. I sort of hit upon it. I didn't like that. I am a bit

naughty, when there's a rule I like to break it. I decided to do a

width and went under and above the lane system, just to annoy everyone.

It back fired hugely because I over the last one, in the fast lane, I

didn't realise I lost my tankini bottoms and got out and didn't

realise until rising upon, that I had, was just with the tankini. So

quickly, just in a moment of panic, jumped back into the pool on top of

a very lithe, fast swimmer. I call it my muff on buff moment.

APPLAUSE It was mortgagifying.

-- mortifying. We welcome you back to the world of show business

because for too long, eight years you were the governor of

California? The last time I starred in a film was Terminator 3 in 2003

it came out. So next year, when the last stand comes out, which will be

in January, it will be exactly ten years that I was starring the last

time in a film. It must be lovely being an actor again. Everyone's

nice to you. No-one asks you horrible questions. Yes, that's

true. But I tell you, there is something really attractive about

being a public servant, even though it's a very tough job. You know,

everyone beats you up all the time. You get attacked all the time. And

you're dealing with all the legislators who think different

than you do. It's very challenging. But to do the people's work and try

to solve problems for the people and not to get paid at all, I never

took a salary, it was like petty cash for me any way. I didn't need

that. APPLAUSE

So, it was, I loved it. It was a great honour for me. I always

wanted to do something like that. But now it's again great to be back

and do the acting. The book, Total Recall, which is in shops now I

believe, as chance would have it, in here you tell your life story.

You go into all the tabloid stories we've heard, the scandals we've

heard. Were you not nervous of bringing all these things back into

the public domain again? Look, it's painful when it happens, when it

gets discovered. It's painful to write about it. It's painful when

people read about it and talk to you about it. All of that, but you

know, it's my life story, the book. My life story is not just me having

great successes. My life story is about me having huge victories,

being enormously successful, having made hundreds of millions of

dollars, having been successful in every career I've gotten into,

but... You're loseing them Arnold. We were with you for a minute

at the same time, I've had great failures. If it's in the movie

business, in body builders, I've had my losses, financially and also

in my personal life. So I shared that. I shared the whole me rather

than leaving that out. Has Maria read it? I'm sure she read it, yes.

You haven't heard anything? No, I talk to Mariea -- Maria pretty much

every day. Under the circumstances, we have a good relationship. We

raise the kids together and we make a real effort to do things together,

celebrating Christmas or Easter, their birthdays, graduation

celebrations and all of those things together. So I think that

she has been really terrific about that. The kids have been really

terrific about that. You know, of course, I feel always getting

together always terrible about having screwed up so badly and

having kind of destroyed this great religionship that we had. But now

I'm trying to slowly try to rebuild it again. I was at Tesco today

doing a big book autographing session... I wondered. I was

thinking "What the hell were you doing in Tescos?". I was very happy

to be there, let me tell you. imagined him picking kidney beans.

Weird. Five items or less. Yes. think I can't think of another

actor who has got so many Catchphrases. All your movies seem

to come with a Catchphrase. In the book, you explain how "I'll be

back" nearly didn't happen. somehow had a problem when I tried

to say "I'll be back". The "I'll" sounded weird to me. I said to the

director, "I think I would say' I will be back '. He said no, I think

I wrote I'll be back. I said listen to it, I'll, I'll. The terminator

doesn't talk like that. He would say "I will be back." He said let's

make it simple. I don't tell you how to act. But don't you tell me

how to write. I wrote "I'll" and that's what you say. I'm so happy

that he insisted on the "I'll be back". When the movie came out, you

never know when you do the scene that there is going to be a famous

line or that it will be repeated over and over. I remember when the

movie came out, someone stopped me in New York and said "Arnold, say

the line, say the line." I said what line? You know the line from

the movie. You know "I'll be back "line. I said I'll be back. No, no,.

Say it the way you said it. "I'll be back ."

APPLAUSE It's one of those things. Is it

endless. Do people constantly ask you to say it? People come up and

say it. Say the line. Fuck you arsehole. You know, now, I've a lot

of those lines that are now some of the most quoted lines. It's

terrific. It's an honour. But you never know ahead of time. So you

can't force it. In the movies now, do you think, this might be the one.

You think and sometimes you're wrong, no-one repeats it. Other

times there's a line you never thought about. I remember in

Predator, I think it was, I ran by a guy, an attack on the village. A

bunch of Communist soldiers. I ran by one, all of a sudden I hear

about to kill me. He was reloading the gun and I heard the click and I

pulled out my knife and stick him in the chest, pin him to the pole

with the knife went right through him. I said "Stick around". And

then that ran off. I made up that line. So sure enough. That was like,

everyone asked me after that movie. This is how the things happen.

are both associated with Catchphrases. When you leave a

restaurant do people do the good night from him and all that is this

Yes, not as much as stick around. Fuck you arsehole.

APPLAUSE Sounds good when you say it.

Because Ronnie was part, you weren't a double act, it was two

performers. That's right. Can you explain the good night bit? Yes. To

Arnold? Yes. I know. We had news items at the beginning of the show

and the end. Ronnie would be, and we alternated. And... Er... What

else did we do? At the end, there was always a big joke each and I

would say "It's good night from me." Ronnie would say "It's good

night from him." Was there any more. That didn't cover the Catchphrase.

Fork Handles. Do people say that as well? Yes. That's a harder one to

explain. That is. Yes, harder one because it's very intricate

language stuff. Fork Handles. touched again! I'm sorry. Ronnie

Barker... You could touch this way now and again. Sorry. He would ask

for Fork Handles. And you thought it was four candles. He would go no

four candles. And he'd' go no Fork Handles. That's right. It was

really exciting. Handles for forks. No four candles. Yes. And lots of

ooos. And they go up and bring down the oos. No oos. Garden hose.

hose. Arnie... So... He love it's. It's going down a storm.

APPLAUSE . I love it. We must get a move on

because Arnold isn't the only person who has written a book.

Miranda Hart has been tip tapping away. Is it just me, it is very

confessional not an autobiography. No, it is, well each chapter is a

subject that I write my comedy observations and anecdotes about. I

also talk to my 18-year-old self in it about how life has gone and what

the last 20 years have been, much to her shock and horror. I know.

Yes. Embarrassing things do happen to you all the time. Quite a lot,

yes. I mean, there is a lot of stuff in the book. Today something

else happened. I really thought it hadn't happened for a long while.

Today I went to the loo in a rush and took my phone into the loo, you

know you sometimes do. Of course. inadvertantly took a photo and the

flash went off and so then I had to leave the cube cull with a woman

just going... What are you? That went off by mistake. So that could

be something that would go in the sitcom. She must have thought

celebrities are so self-obsessed. I'll just tweet this.

One for the album. Luckily most of the stories are from my teens and

20s in the book. One of the things you talk about in the book is

dating. Yes. You've dated with various degrees of success I would

say. Yes. That's fair? Yes. tell a very harrowing story of, was

it a boy you had a crush on, a school trip? Yes, a school trip to

Turkey. We were queuing for the loo in the sort of wooden cubicles

where there wasn't a flush. house. Yes. So the debris piled to

the top you know. Sorry. By the time we got to it, it was fairly

risen to the top. Grazing you. boy I fancied was next in the queue

and I went in. I did a number two. And it was on the top of the pile.

I thought I don't want him to see that, so I thought what am I going

to do about this, because he'll know that my poo. Did you switch

poos? No, what I thought was clearly the thing to do was get

some loo roll and roll it up and throw it out of the small window at

the back, but what I didn't realise was that he had got bored with the

wait and walked round the back... LAUGHTER

To wee in the bushes, so I threw my shit at him.

APPLAUSE Listen. Arnie you've had this

extraordinary career, so what would be nor natural than there is a

museum of you. Where is the Arnold Schwarzenegger museum? It's the

house I grew up in in Tahl, outside of Grads, the second largest city

in Austria. All the original weight equipment that was built for me and

welded for me and things to be gotten scrap metal, made our own

dumbbells and bar bells and cable machines. I think we have a picture.

You say family home, it looks like Downton Abbey. It's like the Sound

of Music house. It does! Inside? lived upstairs. This is actually

the bedroom. Is that your real bedroom? Exactly, this is the real

bedroom and with the photographs, not exactly the photographs we had

there, but the idea was that the photographs above the bed. That is

crazy, to think, like when you were a teenager lying in that bed

thinking "one day, this will be part of a museum, a museum to me."

Exactly. Obviously, having you here tonight is an historic event worthy

of inclusion in the museum. The actual curator of the museum is

here Herr Urdl. Guten aben. Do you know each other? Yes, of course.

(they speak Austrian) You guys! It's really funny because yes, we

went to school together. Really? APPLAUSE

Different lives, different lives. How many people go to the museum?

TRANSLATION: Within one year we've had 30,000 visitors. Wow! Have you

been? I've been several times, yes. Have you been 30 thousand times?

The people who see you there, must be kind of like, yes, of course

he's here, yes. It's wonderful because every time I go there, they

serve apple strudel and weaner schnitzel. They are my favourites.

They always organise a welcome party whenever I go out there and

visit. Because this is such a special evening, obviously you'd

want to include it in your museum. Thank you very much.

LAUGHTER Is there any little thing we could

give Herr Urdl that he could put into the museum? Ronnie.

APPLAUSE Will I get ready to go? We'll pack

you up. I'll phone Ann and let her know

you're going to be late. If you finish your tea, would you like the

APPLAUSE Thank you Herr Urdl, very good.

Listen, we cannot end tonight without celebrating Ronnie Corbett

what a year, CBE, Sir! Well done. APPLAUSE

There you are. There's the Queen. Oh, gosh, yes. Touching her

improperly. You're not supposed to touch her You're not supposed to,

but she's so sweet. What did she say to you? She said, "You've been

doing this for 54 years - meaning my work, which was true. She was

very sweet and lovely. It's nice. Because sometimes you get Princess

Anne, lovely woman, but... You want the Queen. If you're going to get

it, you know what I mean? She is the business. Yeah.

LAUGHTER To see me in the Palace, and all

the grandeur and the big rooms and the parlours and the plush, the

gilt and then to see the solitary person who is Her Majesty walk all

on her own way up a corps der about 130 yards, on her own, with

generals behind her, but at a distance, and you think, what a

lonely little life. She's got herself all ready and looking

lovely and very calm. One does the procedure, it's very touching, the

whole thing was moving. You spent most of your summer with the Royal

Family, it seems. Yes, I was at Balmoral for six weeks with them.

saw you hanging out at Buckingham Palace. The Jubilee concert. Yes.

My meeting with the Queen didn't go so well. No? No. I met her and sort

of did the right thing I think, did a little bob. Then she stared at me.

I'm not joking. So I thought well surely she's meant to say. I

thought the rule was she starts. So I went... "I was one of the

presenters earlier in the concert." And she went "Oh" and then stared

and I'm not exaggerating, she did this, you're me. She went... I

thought well I'm in there. I'll be asked round for scones and tea at

any minute. She did what can only be described the yawn of a dog in

my face. Arnie, have you met the Queen? No. Have you met any of

them? Prince Charles I've met. everyone's met Prince Charles.

sounded quite sexy. Prince Charles. Yes. And you're single. There's no

explaining it. He shook my hand. Can I demonstrate. Auflz on bloody

Arnie. I'm Prince Charles and you're me. What a privilege for you.

And he went like this. You are so funny.

APPLAUSE Wow. Who was that? Prince Charles.

Let's have some music. This man is the... Calm ladies - this man...

CHEERING All right. This man is the biggest

selling R&B artist in history, singing Scream and they will, from

his new album Looking For Myself, # Usher, baby, yeah, yeah, # we did

it again # And this time I'm gonna make you scream # Usher! Usher!

Usher! # Yeah, man # I see you over there,

# so hypnotic # Thinking 'bout what I'd do to

that body # I'd get you like

# ooh baby, baby # Ooh, baby baby,

# ah-ooh, baby, baby # ooh, baby baby

# Got no drink in my hand # But I'm wasted

# Getting drunk on the thought of you naked

# I'd get you like # Ooh, baby, baby

# Ooh, baby, baby, # ah-ooh, baby, baby

# ooh, baby, baby # And I've tried to fight it, to

fight it # But you're so magnetic, magnetic

# Got one life, just live it, just live it

# Now relax, and get on your back # If you wanna scream, yeah

# Let me know and I'll take you there

# Get you going like # Ah-ooh, baby, baby

# ooh, baby, baby # Ah-ooh, baby, baby

# Ooh, baby # If you want it done right

# Hope you're ready to go all night # Get you going like

# Ah-ooh, baby, baby # Ooh, baby, baby

# Ah-ooh, baby, baby # Ooh, baby

# If you wanna scream, scream scream scream

# Yeah, come on # Kill the lights, shut 'em off

# You're electric # Devil eyes telling me "Come and

get it" # I'll have you like

# Ooh, baby, baby # Ah-ooh, baby, baby

# Ooh, baby, baby # Girl tonight you're the prey

# I'm the hunter # Take you here, take you there

# Take you under # Imagine me whispering in your ear

# But you're so magnetic, mag-netic $:/STARTFEED. # Got one life, just

live it, just live it # Now relax, and get on your back

# If you wanna scream, yeah # Let me know and I'll take you

there # Get you going like

# Ah-ooh, baby, baby # ooh, baby, baby

# Ah-ooh, baby, baby # Ooh, baby

# If you want it done right # Hope you're ready to go all night

# Get you going like # Ah-ooh, baby, baby

# Ooh, baby, baby # Ah-ooh, baby, baby

# Ooh, baby # I'll make you scream

# louder, louder, louder, louder, louder

# Oh, if you wanna scream, yeah # Let me know and I'll take you

there # Get you going like

# Ah-ooh, baby, baby # Ooh, baby, baby

# Ah-ooh, baby, baby # Ooh, baby

# If you want it done right # Hope you're ready to go all night

# Get you going like # Ah-ooh, baby, baby

# Ooh, baby, baby # Ah-ooh, baby, baby

# Ooh, baby # If you wanna scream, scream,

scream, scream, scream # CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Usher

everybody! Come over and join us. That was fantastic. Thank you very

much. Come and join us. CHEERING

Mr Ronnie Corbett. That's Miranda Hart. Ha-ha. And Arnold

Schwarzenegger. Good to see you. Congratulations. I believe, careful,

careful. It's like a super group. Now, I believe birthday greetings

are in order? Yes, they are. It's my birthday a week. Most people

celebrate a birthday, I have a week. Your poor mother, how awful for her.

An extended labour. Day three... Still no sign of Usher.

LAUGHTER You've started celebrating. We have

a picture of the cake that somebody gave you. Oh, yeah. That's a lovely

cake. A bit of an unusual pow-wow. Are they ladies' breasts? That's

what they look like to me. OK. It's ladies' breasts or builders bum,

one or the other. Did you cut into it? I ate the breast. He ate the

breast ladies and gentleman. He's full of it. Actually, I'm surprised

you ate the breast. Aren't you working out? Yeah I'm working out.

No breast for you. I've been in preparation for a film that I'm

scheduled to play next year, I play Sugar Ray Leonard next year. The

name is Hands of Stone. I'm looking forward to it. I'm playing opposite

incredible actors. You may know one of them. His name is dinero

something like that. Oh, my God. You know him? Yeah. We have a

picture of you working out. Here you are.

What do you think, Arnie? He's in great shape. Otherwise he couldn't

dance like he does. Notice he didn't comment on my muscles

because I would never, ever live up to him. Don't worry about it.

So, that was Scream, that's off the current album Looking For Myself.

Yes. You have a new single Numb. That's going to be out on 12th

November. Yes. Ladies and gentleman, what a fantastic performance from

Usher, very good. APPLAUSE

Now that's nearly all we have time for. But before we go, there's time

for our first stories of the new season in the famous red chair.

You all right there? Cough it up. Better out than in. Who's up first?

Hello. Hello. Goodness. Antonio Band eras has come to call. He

should be on the couch. Slightly early boy zone auditions. It's nice.

At any moment he could do folk dancing. He probably has a leather

pant under that. What's your name, Sir? Josh. I oh, I wasn't expecting

Josh. No. What do you do? Photographer. Photographer. He's

got a high voice on a man. LAUGHTER

Off you go with your story, Josh. All right then...

LAUGHTER I was living in a flat alone in

London. I was cooking some duck and it gets smoky. I went to open the

front window to get the smoke out. As I do, it I trap my fingers in

the window. It started to get more smoky. Some neighbour started to

peak from the other house on the street and didn't do anything.

APPLAUSE I wasn't following any of that.

Not a word. Not a word of it. Something about a duck and a window,

I don't know. Dear God. There was a duck... Smoke... One more. Hello.

CHEERING He's got fans. I tell you. I

thought Usher was out here. What's your name, Sir? Evan. Where do you

live? I'm from Kentucky. Nothing? Nothing for Kentucky. I thought it

might get a small scream. No? Are you alone from Kentucky? I'm in the

alone from the Usmani. Nothing. CHEERING

Finally. Have a word with these people.

Americans are known for their cheering. Useless. Off you go, Sir.

When I was 16, I went to President Obama's inauguration. Wow! To go to

the inauguration you have to wake up at around 4am and I don't

normally breakfast but today I was told to eat. I ate breakfast and

you can't use the bathroom as you go through the security check

points. I started to get sick. I go through the last security

checkpoint add I have this very, look on my face like this and a

Secret Service guy pulled me to the side and said, "What's wrong. You

look questionable." I told him I needed to use the bathroom. He said

you can go in. He smacked me on my back and as soon as he smacked me I

pooped everywhere. LAUGHTER

Evan can walk. Well done. Well done everyone in the red chair.

If you'd like to join us you can contact us via our website. Thank

you to all my guests tonight, Usher! Ronnie Corbett! Miranda

Hart! And Arnold Schwarzenegger! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Join me next