Episode 6 The Graham Norton Show

This programme contains some strong Tonight on the show I've got three

fantastic guests including the host of The Apprentice. Just waiting to

hear when I can send them in. PHONE RINGS.

Hello. Would you send the three of them in, please? Yes, Lord Sugar.

Very good! There is nothing like the sound of 600 people clapping,

is there? We have got a fantastic line-up for you tonight. Top

businessman and host of The Apprentice, Lord Sugar is on the

show. One of my favourite all-time actresses, Olivia Colman, is on the

show. And Brit comedy favourite, turned Hollywood star, Hugh Laurie,

is here. Strong! Strong! Looking forward to meeting the lovely,

Olivia Colman. She was hilarious in Twenty Twelve, the sitcom all about

the Olympics. The Olympics brought us so many crowd-pleasing moments.

Mo Farah getting gold. Bradley Wiggins getting worshipped. Boris

Johnson getting a hernia. He is in charge! But I think we all loved

Olivia in the brilliant whodunit Broadchurch. Did you watch it? Now

I know a lot of people haven't got round to seeing the final episode,

so I won't spoil it by telling you who the murderer was. Here's Olivia

Broadchurch was great, though. Olivia Colman's detective showed

such powerful, raw emotion. Other female detectivesless bothered. A

dead body on the beach? Hooray! And I can't wait to meet Hugh Laurie

again. He's just embarking on a tour with his Blues band. Keep

pushing, Hugh, it's a nationwide tour. Of course, Hugh's most famous

role was in House. The brilliant doctor who could tell what was

wrong with someone just by looking at them. We don't have anyone like

him on British telly. We have Embarrassing Bodies! Wow, those

tonsils really are swollen. Personally, I loved Hugh in

Blackadder where he played the Prince Regent. A chinless wonder

who thought he could run the country. Sounds familiar! Won't be

so funny when he is the Prime Minister. And Hugh was also in

Blackadder Goes Forth. What a great show. Where else on television

would you get such a collection of half-wits and fools? Hooray! The

Apprentice is back. The show's only just started, but they already know

where they're having the wrap party. The Job Centre. As you probably

know, Alan Sugar famously has his own personalised number plate.

There he is with 'AMS 1'. And this year's winner has also been

promised a personalised number plate. Let's get some guests on!

Welcome to the House of Blues, it's Hugh Laurie! She really cuts the

mustard, it's Olivia Colman! And, good Lord, he's hired, it's Alan

It is a proper British sofa. Olivia, you look different. Thanks. I have

never seen you looking alluring. is the make-up. Everything! I have

sticky tape holding things down. Right. Your wife is watching, isn't

she the Lord Sugar? Yes, in the Green Room. Eyes to the front. We

have a Lord of the realm, Hugh Laurie is an OBE. Yes, keeping it

real! Olivia Coleman, surely you will be a Dame one day. Dame Olivia

Coleman. I wouldn't put money on it. I would... And not a lot. I think

she should be Baroness. That is a good idea. I will put a good word

in. The did at one watch Broadchurch? The apprentice is back.

9th series? Yes. Hugh Laurie, you have been in America for too long.

We don't applaud things like that. I am so excited. Can I get into

this, I watched about 30 seconds and I was hooked. It is really well

cast of this year. Are you a fan? have seen it before. You know

Donald Trump? I don't have personally know him. He does it in

America. Not a very well. Who could compare? Have you seen this one?

Seen it? You have been awake. have been away. But so I hear it is

compelling... In fact I heard it from you, didn't I? You said.

Olivia Coleman, I have seen it! Already two episodes have gone out.

There anyone who has not seen it coming here is a brief introduction.

I am a great and my generation, an innovator and leader of business. I

take inspiration from Napoleon, I am here to conquer. I am half

machine, I can process things at a speed that is out of this world.

Some people might come to this process with a game-plan. I just

feel my superiority will take over. I am an old head on young shoulders.

I am the new breed of businessmen this process requires. I have run

successful businesses, I can generate profit. I have energy like

a jury a cell Belleek, sex-appeal like Jessica Rabbit. I will do

anything to win, cheating and manipulating, I will do it.

See what you're missing? I feel like such a fool. You can't even

shave your neck. Is that a new fashion statement? It isn't. It is

like he has put his nearer to High! I was playing a character with a

beard and it is a dilemma to know what to do a round there. Do you

draw a line? Do you actually draw a line? If it gets too neat, it looks

like a hedge grows. You used to have more of a beard? Yes, but it

is grey. It is still there? I don't like using razors. The beard, if I

let it go too long, it goes grey, looking like Father Christmas.

Father Christmas is nice! Higher at heard of him! -- I have heard of

him. Alex Mills, he is that one. People shouldn't do that to their

eyebrows. He claims, one of the other candidates said, you remind

me of somebody. He said in his Welsh accent, people said I looked

like Freddie Mercury. The candidate said, what about Dracula?! He wants

to manage a business. He cannot manage his own eyebrows! He is not

a bad boy, this kid. He was 22 years old when we recorded this. He

is a very nice boy. Who is the next one? Jazz, the heart machine lady.

Had she ever seen the show? It is the most frequently asked question

of people like yourself, the best chat show hosts in the country...

You say that like there is a but. No, there is always room for

improvements here and there... told you. But I wouldn't come and

hijack your show and tell you... What could be improved? What is

wrong? He is in here now. I am a great believer in actions... I

don't want to talk about it on here. Why don't I suggest you can pick up

a few tips that I would take the red chair sequins for you and you

can pick up a few interrogation tips. You want to be in charge of

the Red Chair? Entirely up to use. All right. People who volunteer for

the red shirts are not so sure now. The red chair is yours. It is a

Lord Sugar red share special. Every year there is the villain of the

peace. We don't know yet, we are only in episode three. I suggest it

and might be Rebecca Slater. It is like the make-up department going,

by the way, you are evil. Evil number six. You are naughty. She is

a nice lady. They all hate her. Sometimes, you know... Ladies,

ladies, oh dear. Without any getting into trouble. Sometimes it

ladies do not like each other because one might be a little bit

cleverer than the others. She is a very good sales lady and she is

very sensitive. Her looks probably don't do her a service. She is very

attractive. She is an evil genius? She is keen nice lady. I know you

keep saying they are all nice people. Everyone is lovely. What I

have learned from this, don't be fooled by first impressions, really.

Wise words. Even though you are the best chat show host. There is the

court case with the Stella English, she was a previous winner and was

not happy with her job, so it took you to court. Other people would

have settled, you did a trial by media in the end, why did you

expose yourself to that? A lot of my friends and contemporaries in

business asked me the same question. The even though you are the best

show host... I need some better questions. I don't want to bring

doom and gloom into your programme... OK. Is there a quick

reason? I am not on the red chair now, am I? The thing is I won't

succumb to disclaiming culture stuff. Somebody who thought here is

a high-profile individual, and normally as you said, they would do

the commercial thing and say the lawyers will cost this, barristers

will cost that, not to mention the embarrassment of turning up in a

public venue and humiliating yourself. For all of that, given 50

grand, give them 100 grams, get rid of them. I was not going to do that.

Call me stupid, my wife has been calling me stupid for 45 years. She

said I asked for all of my problems. Another friend of mine said, give

her some money. Not me, it is the claim culture, I won't put up with

it. Fair enough. He you didn't even start that applause. That they are

so well trained out. They just did that. Watch the carpet there, if

you trip up. These steps are debt trap. We must mention Donald Trump,

the US host. There is bad blood between the two of you? I am saying

nothing. I did tweet him once when he was sane people love him in

Scotland. He was moaning about wind farms in Scotland. He said the

Scottish were about the wind farms preventing his golf club. I said,

you have got it wrong, the Scottish people are actually against you! I

then got a tirade of abuse. Of course, I could not resist

answering. Then I got a phone call from New York from one of his

lawyer's slaying, I'd tell you what to do, you apologise to him. I said,

over your dead body. Excuse me. And Let me say that it is useful in

promoting the programme, starting next trick. Or one of my business

things or something like that but what I get out of this is the fact

that I now have 9 million followers and when one of those losers starts

writing things about me, I get it back on Twitter and I give the e-

mail address of that author and my followers perhaps can join me...

You're obviously quite grubby. Here are just some things from the last

week. -- grumpy. You have asked people to e-mail your reviews. Do

not use foul language. And then someone says, is this not

effectively bullying? To which she replied, shut up, you idiot! The

next one... This is just... What is the Chelsea score? Someone replies,

saying, turn on the television. Shut up, it's gone! I am not at

home, crawl back under your rock! - - scum! It takes you to that dark

place! The Apprentice continues next Wednesday. Talking of new jobs,

somebody has one. Bolivia:! -- Olivia Coleman! Does it feel

different? Well, I am here. It is all good? Yes. Selling this big new

ITV drama with you. The suspicions of Mr Witcher, this time it is

murder in Angel Lane. The first on a set in the 19th century. A real

person? Yes, the first one was based on the real story of

detective Witcher. And he was one of the very first British

detectives and I might get this wrong... We know nothing! He worked

out who had murdered somebody. And... He told someone else?

these other police people here are some evidence. And he had a bit of

a breakdown and went away. Other what turns out, he was right and

brilliant. This one is a fiction of what if he had carried on? Did I

make that up? The yes, you did. spoilers. Very concise. This is

your first fossil acting. In a big frock? I have appeared in period

dramas in the 90s and 80s but nothing Victorian, and I know where

you are going... No, because you're very good with that big skirt going

through doors. Because you are 100% good with spatial awareness.

does that thing? How many fingers am I holding up? For? Well, my God!

This was at school. Before my GCSE exams, he had to press buttons on a

computer and it was called the Oasis test, or something. I had

100% spacial awareness. They said I should be an HGV lorry driver.

pilot? Or a superhero. Although they did not want to build you up.

So they give me a lorry. Reasonable dreams. Yes. He or the ante of the

girl who was murdered? Back to the programme? I thought you meant...?

So, more crying? Do you find crying easy? She cries, and all you get

our parts were you can cry. It is because it is sad and upsetting.

No-one is really dead! The whole point is you have to pretend they

are. I get the idea! But you're just very good at pretending?

would try... I have quite an overactive imagination so if there

is a real person lying on the slab and you have been told that that is

your knees, you go... It is on the Sunday on ITV at 8pm. Is it?

don't know. I think my agent is here somewhere, going, oh, God!

This is a clip of you... Crime? There are lots of clips of you

crying, but I said, no, we shall have a clip where she does not cry.

But you do kind of well up. valuables on her? This isn't a

robbery. We have to look at all possibilities. The only jewellery

she will was a gold locket that I give her. Describe it. Oval-shaped

and encrusted with emeralds and pearls and it had her initials.

Quite valuable? This isn't a robbery. It was not on her when she

was fine. I have no faith in your inquiry, I would like you to

investigate the murder. That would not be possible. Why not?

commissioner takes a very dim view of private inquiry agents. I am not

accountable to the commissioner. But you would be accountable to her.

Miss Spencer, I was involved in the case, a young woman committed a

murder and I failed to secure a conviction and it became an

embarrassment. I would not want to be an embarrassment to you. From

what I have seen, I have no reason to believe that would happen. I

will pay you, of course. I am not concerned about money. Please just

say you will help me. Crying? Crying watching yourself! Oh, I am

so good! I take my hat off, I would have to get the stuntman in to do

crying. I am OK at falling over stairs but crying, I would have to

get someone in. Watching one born every minute? It's a wonderful Life,

that is the only thing that will get me. You cannot physically do

it? I didn't have my tear-ducts removed! I can still, yes. In terms

of Hollywood, Eurostar is so on the ascent, have you had to make that

decision about Holywood? Have you had those calls? No... I don't

think they have my number! He were in the Iron Lady! I had a different

bills, they do not know it was me. No-one has called. It will happen.

It might. Even Dame Judi Dench, she went Hollywood. But that is Judi

You were so good as Carol Thatcher. You look so different! There is you,

with his teeth? Yes, it was a Meryl and Denis teeth. He was messing

about with his teeth upside-down and I was taking photographs. Meryl

Streep said, what are you doing? And then she said, do it to me.

Then she said let's all three of us have a photo with are funny English

teeth. I said, mine are real! it you get a basket of muffins

afterwards? Broadchurch, everyone loved it. Did you watch it? Loved

it. We kept guessing. Those new characters, every week you had

someone else, chopping and changing. Did you guess correctly? In episode

five, I thought it was the meerkats. Then my wife said, they are in the

advert. When did you know? Sorry to hijack. A very good question. It is

on here. When did you know? Just before Episode eight scripts come

out. I was hoping it was a need. Did the guy who played the murderer,

did he not know? He didn't. Then you think, would I ever done it

differently? He did a beautiful job. Not and not knowing. Grey to

programme. The took four months to make it. That is the longest you

have been away from... Yes. What is the longest you have been away from

your kids? Yes. Was it traumatic or was it nice having a holiday?

was awful, so my drinking level went up, nothing to do until I go

home. I forced Jodie Whitaker, who plays the mother, to be my flatmate,

because I got lonely. I used to get home, I would run in and they could

not give a monkey's. I would jump in front of them when they were

watching television and it was, mummy! On their phones and things.

They are only small, 5 and 7, so cartoons for them. Four months is

bad, but it you won nine years away from home? Yes, eight years. But it

wasn't uninterrupted. I would come back and they would come over to

Los Angeles. I wasn't at sea for a years. But you are home now? I am,

back in London. His that weird for everyone? -- is that weird. Daddy

is still here! He keeps being here. Eight years is a long time. It is

longer than it would have taken me to qualify as a real doctor of. It

is a weird thing. You answer the phone for him as him? Yes, but

before answer phones, when a doctor went out on call, the phone had to

be manned. I was a teenage boy, and as we all do, I sounded like my

father. You cannot help it. I picked up the phone and said, hello.

They would immediately assume I was him. Before I could say thought the

doctor will be back in 20 minutes. They would start at spewing

symptoms. It is leaking, Dr. It is all moist, should it be green? You

reach a point very quickly, they have told you so much, you will be

putting them in a very embarrassing position if you then say, I will

tell him when he gets in. Sometimes I actually said, it does not sound

too bad! I am sure a brisk walk will probably help. I have no legs!

LAUGHTER. You are singing for us? I am.

makes sense you have a second album in the shops now. Didn't it rain is

the album. It makes sense you would bring out the second one, the first

did so well. Thanks, it did. It sold at many, many copies. All

over the world. I shouldn't say this, I am going to say it. Today,

No 1 on tuna macro in Russia. -- like tunes. No one can doubt your

passion for this. You love this music? I love it very deeply.

remember the moment when you heard it? I do, I remember the first

blues notes I heard, and it was like an electric shock. It was a

physical... I was hit by something. And that was your life? It keeps

happening. When these chaps play those things, or blow them things,

what ever it is, I cannot recapture that feeling. I do, every time we

played. You're not just here for tonight, you are touring? We have

just been touring and been around France, Belgium. In Belgium, I was

on a Belgian talk show a couple of days ago, because I know how to

live! And they showed a clip of meat on the show, being incredibly

rude about Belgians. Oh dear. said something, I don't know why I

did it, I feel absolutely terrible. It was being fun, but I implied

Belgians were slow on the uptake, or something. And they showed it to

the Belgians. And Hu! Which sort of proves... The next leg of the tour.

They really are stupid. The interviewer said to me in a quiet

bits, he said, they are just so thrilled you mentioned at Belgium.

I just feel absolutely terrible, so I have to make it have to them and

say, it is a lovely country, everybody smiles of chocolate and

it is wonderful and they could not be nicer. And so intelligent.

sharp, like you wouldn't believe. Hercule Poirot is from Belgium.

famously. It is time, if you want to go and join the band. I will.

Lord Sugar, you will be taking control of the red shirts. But

first, performing wild honey, it is # Wild honey.

# Makes me feel like twice the man I used to be.

# Wild honey, wild honey, wild honey.

# Makes me feel like twice the man I used to be.

# Wild honey, wild honey. # Well it don't take but a crack.

# To drop on the kingdom. # Don't take but a Queen.

# To make that kingdom come. # I'm a jack of all trades, master

of none. # I am the who's gonna get all the

fun done. # Cut down in the wall, you really

ought to see. # That is the way, wild hone's

supposed to be. # Wild honey, wild honey, wild

honey. # Well it don't take but a crack.

# To drop on the kingdom. # Don't take but a Queen.

# To make that kingdom come. # I'm a jack of all trades, master

of none. # I am the who's gonna get all the

# Wild honey, wild honey, wild honey.

# Wild honey, wild honey, wild honey.

# She loves you, she loves you, she loves you.

# I'll never love a girl. # She loves you, she loves you, she

Apology for the loss of subtitles for 46 seconds

That was fantastic. Lord Sugar, if you go there. The band... Her

OK, this is red chair, Lord Sugar is in charge. This is very good.

When you go like this... You like that? That is good. I won't be

criticising that. Can we have the first victim, please. Hello. We

will make this simple. Name, age, location. Sarah, 26... 26. Is that

all right? Carry on. I have a Royal story. I met the Queen. So have I.

I've been my experience was different, I was quite rude to her,

actually. Route to the Queen? You have about five seconds left.

did not know any better, I was only five. It get to the point.

sister and I had to present her with some flowers but we only had

one bunch between two of us. Because she was cute and younger,

she got the flowers. I got a rubbish Australian flag...

PETA, 35 at from London. Do I detect to Graf from South Africa?

Very good. On honeymoon in Thailand, staying in a big resort. Even the

afternoon we were making love. I I am a music producer and DJ.

are speaking to fast. I was in Bristol working and I got very

drunk. Then I thought it would be a great idea to go to the toilet and

get absolutely naked. I got joined by five other men who decided to

get absolutely naked. I don't know him! Graham was not there.

Everything on show, no clothes. Come on, get to the point. What

happened? This rumour got out to a lot of people and I got different

requests for bookings from different clubs. Oh my God! Is he

all right. He really went. deserved it. One more? OK. Edward...

Excuse me. Name, age and location. This saves time. Edward, 33, London.

Ed Wood, 33 London? Carry on. I moved to London, my first job was

in a posh hotel. We had a staff party in a venue in Leicester

Square. Open bar, everybody getting very drunk. There was this girl a

fancied. Come on! Because it was a works do, we went outside so nobody

would see as kissing. She wasn't in the same toilet as the other chap?

No, eventually we got carried away and we did it right there...

it? Yes, in Leicester Square at 3am. In Leicester Square? It is not over.

The then, when we finished... else did you do? We've to occurred

soon her bus stop. Well done. That is your lot. If you