Episode 1 The Graham Norton Show

Tonight, we've got the new Doctor Who.

I wonder if his TARDIS is really bigger on the inside?

Let's have a look.

-HE GASPS

-Yes, it is!

CHEERING

Let's start the show!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh! Oh! Oh!

Hello-ho-ho!

Hello!

Hello, everybody.

Thank you very much.

We are back and how I've missed you, ladies and gentlemen.

And I tell you, we're back with a big bang -

from across time and space, the new Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi, is here.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

He's good, isn't he? He's good.

Bond girl and graduate of St Trinian's,

Gemma Arterton, is on the show.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

We love Gemma.

And Hollywood's come a-calling -

Oscar-winning star of Training Day and Philadelphia,

Denzel Washington is here!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Yeah!

Plus, we've got music from hot new singer-songwriter

George Ezra, ladies and gentlemen.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Oh-ho-ho! He a baby!

He a little baby!

He's just like a child.

Now Denzel Washington, of course, famous for his action films -

Unstoppable with that runaway train,

Flight with a crashing plane in it.

Deja Vu, with the exploding ferry.

Basically what I'm saying is,

if he sits next to you on the bus, get off it!

Just get off!

I will be talking to Denzel about his new film, The Equalizer.

Mm. Now, he plays a retired soldier who's now working in a DIY store.

Now, it's more exciting than that makes it sound, I'll tell you.

More happens, the story unfolds.

Now, there he is, there he is.

He's just attacked someone with a hammer.

Why would you attack somebody you've just seen in a DIY store, hm?

APPLAUSE

"Keep moving! Keep moving! Keep moving!"

Gemma Arterton. Gemma Arterton - she'll be telling us

all about her new role in the West End musical, Made In Dagenham.

Now, it's set in the '60s, at the Ford factory in Dagenham, Essex.

And, of course, back then, Essex was famous

for churning out Escorts in a production line.

Well...

-APPLAUSE

-..it sort of still is!

You can get any colour you want.

As long as it's orange!

Made In Dagenham is a lively musical romp,

set in the Swinging Sixties.

Here's Dagenham in the '60s.

Yeah, the only thing swinging there was this...

Can I say - kudos to the team for finding a picture of a wrecking ball

that didn't have Miley Cyrus glued to it!

Gemma - Gemma always looks so glamorous on the red carpet.

The thing is, not everyone can pull off an outfit

that has a nude-coloured stripe through the middle.

Did you see the ladies' Colombian cycling team?

APPLAUSE

HE LAUGHS

Just standing there - "Our humiliation is complete."

Yeah, Colombian...

with a hint of Brazilian!

Hey, and a big first-time welcome to Peter Capaldi. Yeah!

CHEERING

I tell you... There he is - the new Doctor!

Looking so cool there, isn't he? Very cool.

But I will be posing the question, "What were you thinking?"

when we look at some of his early modelling pictures.

WHOOPING

That is a genuine picture from his portfolio - that's casual wear.

There's also formal wear, ladies and gentlemen.

Well, that isn't awkward at all, is it(?)

HE LAUGHS

Have you all been watching the new Doctor Who series?

-You watching it, yeah?

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

It's good, isn't it?

I tell you, the first episode - oh! So much action!

Ah! Look at that!

A dinosaur, loose in Victorian London.

Mind you, it does look ridiculously out of place.

-PING!

-Oh, that's better.

That's all to come, plus more of your stories in the big red chair.

Let's get some guests on!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Later, we'll have music from the brilliant George Ezra.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

But, first, Norton hears a Who - it's Peter Capaldi!

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

-Oh!

Hello, sir. So dapper!

Hello. Hi.

Peter Capaldi, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

She'll be Strawberry Fields for ever -

it's Gemma Arterton!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Wowser! Whoo!

You look so beautiful. Hello, darling. Mwah! Mwah!

-Welcome back.

-Thanks, Graham.

Peter, Gemma.

And I'm in a state of excitement - it's Denzel Washington!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello. Come in, sit down, sit down.

It's Denzel.

Whoo!

-Oh!

-To business.

They are loving that couch.

-Er, welcome back, sir.

-Thank you.

Welcome back, Gemma.

And, of course, it's a tradition -

a first-time welcome to the new Doctor Who, Peter Capaldi. Yay!

Thank you very much.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thank you.

-Are you familiar with the whole Doctor Who fuss?

-No.

-The fuss about Doctor Who?

-No.

-Well, let me explain. Er...

So Peter wasn't Doctor Who, now he is Doctor Who.

-And obviously you talked to previous Doctor Whos...

-Uh-huh.

..but nothing can prepare you, so are you enjoying being Doctor Who?

I love being Doctor Who. It's absolutely amazing.

I wake up in the morning and I'm Doctor Who.

I go out to the shops and buy a pint of milk, I'm Doctor Who.

I go and get the papers, I'm Doctor Who.

Everywhere I go, I'm Doctor Who.

People smile at me and are pleased to see Doctor Who,

who's far more interesting and exciting than I am.

-But, actually, Denzel's new movie is set in a big DIY superstore.

-Yes.

Didn't you go...?

Was it one of those shops you went to the next day?

Um, I was...

Denzel, charmingly, doesn't know anything at all about Doctor Who

and was asking me what the TARDIS was.

-Or-or-or... What is it? TARDIS?

-TARDIS, yes.

It sounds wrong when you say it.

-ENGLISH ACCENT:

-TARDIS.

But, the day after I was announced as Doctor Who,

which is a big deal in this country, I went to buy a light bulb.

Because a light bulb had obviously, er, gone wrong in my house.

It was an old hardware store, like the old....

-Do you know the four candles kind of sketch?

-Oh, yes.

One of those ones. I went in there to buy this light bulb.

And a bloke came out from behind the counter,

with a sink plunger stuck to his head like that!

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

Can I say just, though, because you were in The Thick Of It...

Yeah, yeah.

..as Malcolm Tucker, you were quite sweary and out there,

so do you have to be careful meeting people in the street now?

Yes, of course. Yes, because Doctor Who doesn't...

I played a character who was a spin doctor for the Prime Minister.

Who swore all the time.

-And really used very, very, very rich language.

-The worst.

-Yeah, the worst sort of language.

-Mm.

But fans of the show would come up to me in the street and say,

"Swear at me. Please, please, swear at me."

So I'd have to stand in the street

and abuse them in the worst possible language,

and sign their autographs and say, "Get lost! Go and get a life!"

I'd love to do that with people in the street.

It's quite fun.

-You could!

-I could, but I'd get in trouble.

-But now you have to be squeaky-clean.

-Yes.

Well, I AM squeaky-clean.

Are you contractually obliged not to swear at people in the street?

No, I can swear in my own time, obviously -

you know, for my own entertainment.

But, er, I haven't sworn for about two years now.

I so don't believe you!

Listen, we'll talk more about Doctor Who later,

plus about Gemma's new musical.

But let's start tonight with Denzel's new movie,

-The Equalizer.

-Yes.

-I've seen it - it's fantastic.

-Thank you.

It's one of those movies - it must be a pleasure to talk about,

-cos it is such a crowd-pleaser.

-Yeah.

It's a proper, big, people punching the air and cheering at the end...

-Yeah.

-It's fantastic.

And now, it borrows the name, really, from the...

-Basically, yeah.

-..from the TV series.

And the basic idea that he... helps people who need help.

And I'm guessing that there's more planned.

We've got to get this one out first.

You know, they talked about that, but that is up to the people.

-The people decide.

-"The people"!

-Well, it is.

That's the last part of a movie or a play,

is the audience, or like your show -

I mean, you couldn't just do it, you know, by yourself.

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think it might be easier!

Yeah, it might be easier!

But, listen, if people aren't aware of what the premise

of The Equalizer is, tell the people.

He helps people who need his help.

And he does what he needs to do

to get them out of whatever trouble they're in.

And, when he says that, it's not helping old ladies cross the road.

No. If they need it - I'm not above that.

Yeah, but you would KILL the guy in the car.

No, cos it's pretty full-on violence.

It's-it's... Well... He... They...

Yes.

But he's a quiet man with OCD, who lives alone,

lives a quiet life and this girl needs his help

and he helps her and people get in his way

and he uses various...instruments from the...

What do you call it? "The D-I...?"

-DIY.

-The DI...?

-BOTH: Do-it-yourself...

-..store.

-You know, power tools and...

-LAUGHTER

You've learnt so much today - Doctor Who...

-I know - TARDIS?

-TARDIS.

-TARDIS, Doctor Who...

-DIY.

-DIY.

-DIY.

-Wow.

-Four candles.

BOTH: Four candles.

-You didn't tell him that backstage!

-No, no. I don't know what that is.

Actually, talking of jokes, this has been annoying us all day,

and I think Peter Capaldi might know. Maybe you know.

In the office... We can't remember what it is...

-Edward Woodward...

-The original...?

-Yeah.

-Yes?

So it's a joke. And the punch line is...

-Is Edward Woodward?

-Would.

-Oh, without the letters?

-Yes!

What is Edward...? How do you...? What is it?

How do you say Edward Woodward without the D?

No, that's not a joke, though.

"Ewar Woowar" is the answer.

-How do you...?

-Say it without the Ds, right?

Is it, "Why does he need so many Ds in his name?"

-Is that the joke?

-Something like that.

There's also something about farting in a bath...

Someone must know in the audience.

-SILENCE

-Oh, there you have it.

Useless!

I told you! I told you!

Useless!

Is there not a "Who would Edward Woodward wood?"

Oh, there is another! Yes! That's another joke.

It's a kind of rather racy situation that is posited.

Do you have this in England - "How much wood would a woodchuck chuck

-"if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

-Yeah.

"He'd chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could

if a woodchuck could chuck wood, but he can't."

APPLAUSE

I'm just asking.

You know, we got a couple of things in America.

I'm so impressed.

Do you say that here?

-You've had a long day of press.

-That's all I've got!

I'm amazed that you can string any words together at all.

We've got a clip from The Equalizer.

By the way, The Equalizer is open tonight.

It's open nationwide tonight.

This is basically you showing off some of your special skills.

-This is a... You know, a "Don't mess with Denzel."

-Uh-oh.

Is it just you, or are we waiting for someone else?

What's that? What?

Your hands.

If you really work the power lines, your hands wouldn't look like that.

I know we gotta be waiting for somebody else.

HE CHUCKLES

Hands where I can see 'em.

We'll take a little walk across the street, me and you. Like Denali.

Here we go.

You vary from these instructions, I'm going to kill you. Understand?

SLOW MOTION: Stand up.

Let's go!

No witnesses.

What the hell is this guy doing?

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And I actually read the book!

You know, we had Navy SEAL guys, expert...killers

and we were using everything - books and, you know, like...

power tools.

So it was all real, the Navy SEALS trained...?

Yeah, they showed me what to do with the book, and how to...

That was impressive.

You flapped me to death!

Listen. Gemma Arterton, beside you,

we've seen you, you know, in films, being kick-ass and doing stuff.

But, in life, you're quite... you're quite...

Well, I was going to say "rough" but not in THAT way...

Thanks(!)

-Like, the horse riding thing sounds amazing.

-Yeah.

So tell us what you can do on the horse.

I can do trick riding and stunt riding.

How long did this take, by the way?

Um, so I learned to ride in... I did sort of like a month's training.

And then I got a bit obsessed with it

and started, you know, doing trick riding.

So, I guess, within a couple of months.

So, Prince Of Persia, you do all that horse riding yourself?

Yeah. There was a riding double for REALLY dangerous stuff,

but I did do a big stunt, which I'm really proud of.

Tell us about it.

-SHE SIGHS

-So...

there's a bit where a horse - a massive big old black horse -

is galloping towards me,

and I pull myself on to the horse whilst it's in gallop from standing.

Um, so basically, you hold on to the horse's reins,

and you, while it's galloping, jump up onto it and gallop off.

And, um, I trained for it for a long time -

you know, for days and days and days and weeks.

And then, when it came down to it, it was this big Disney movie,

so it's very expensive.

I said, "You know, I can do that stunt. I've practised it,"

-to the producers.

-Uh-oh.

And they went, "No way. You're not doing it - it's too dangerous."

I was like...

-BRATTY VOICE:

-"I've been practising for WEEKS!"

I had a BIG hissy fit.

And they were like, "For God's sake! All right, she can do it",

and I did and it's in the movie.

Obviously, everyone thinks it's the stunt double, usually,

unless you do something like this. Gallop, gallop...

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

So, you know... There you go.

-Because you are now going to be doing this?

-A Western? Yeah.

Are you learning to ride now?

October 1st, I start, five or six months of riding.

Wow! You're going to be great!

-It's such a great opportunity.

-I got a...

-I'll come and help.

That's the one!

LAUGHTER

The Magnificent Seven!

LAUGHTER

You know what to do, Denzel!

-We're going to look for that move.

-I'm going to do it!

It may not make the film! You get the credit, absolutely.

LAUGHTER

And you know, someone told me, too, in the old days,

they would put little trampolines for guys in the Westerns,

and they'd bounce off it and jump up on the horse to make it look like...

-Oh!

-So, that's why they just match it.

-Yeah, yeah.

-Hm!

-So, you'll see that as well!

LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

We look forward to that!

Peter Capaldi,

you've done some very dangerous things over the years.

Wasn't it quite recently you had an injury?

Oh, yes. I was in the Three Musketeers,

which has lots of sword fighting,

and, you know, guys are jumping off horses,

and hitting each other, and everyone had broken shoulder blades

and stuff like that. I played Cardinal Richelieu,

who was a more waspish character,

and I had to grab a lady and get her into trouble

and throw her against a wall, and as I was doing it,

I suddenly internally screamed with agony,

and looked down and my thumb was caught in her frock.

LAUGHTER

It was Maimie McCoy. My thumb was on back to front.

AUDIENCE GROANS

That's what you get if you put your thumb in ladies' frocks.

LAUGHTER

You were lucky that's all that happened!

If you'd done that to Gemma, boof!

LAUGHTER

Just snapped it back into place.

-Ooh!

-It was really some...

And to this day, I can't open a packet of crisps.

-No!

-It's awful for me.

Oh, gosh.

-Cheese and onion!

-You're looking great.

LAUGHTER

He used to be much heavier.

LAUGHTER

But talking of finger injuries,

we were going through pictures before the show.

-We found this picture...

-Oh, you found my pinkie?!

-Oh, don't show it.

-No, this is...

-It's not nice.

-This is amazing.

-It's not nice.

AUDIENCE GROANS

It look likes Meryl Streep has just gone,

"Tell me I did that by accident."

She's just like.. Look at that. She's like... What did you do?

I had it rebuilt.

I'd injured it so many times playing American football.

-It's that one?

-Yeah. But it's fine now.

But it's like a gummy bear in there.

Like a little piece of rubber candy something.

So, what was that thing?

I went up for a pass, playing American football,

and dislocated it, and it's happened so many times over the years,

that if I just open my hand like that, it would pop that far.

AUDIENCE GROANS

Aw...

Do people...

LAUGHTER

Do people in films have to shoot around it?

No. I'm constantly...

You can probably see me in other films just going,

"Yeah. Mm..."

LAUGHTER

"That way." I was always fixing it.

When my kids were young, they would ask me,

"Daddy, could you show my friends the magic finger?"

LAUGHTER

That doesn't sound right, does it?

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Wait a minute!

No! You went there!

-I didn't go there! You went there.

-You went there!

-No, I didn't!

So, I would do like this and do like this,

and they'd run, "Argh!"

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Now. Gemma Arterton, award-winning actress, kick-ass movie star,

and now treading the boards in a new musical,

which is so exciting! Brand-new musical.

It's Made In Dagenham, which, sometimes you hear about things

being made into musicals and you think, "Is that a good idea?"

But this is clearly a very good idea.

-It is.

-It's such a rousing, great story.

-Yeah. I...

Well, it's because it's based on real events and it's about

these women that are so normal and charming and real

and did something extraordinary.

They got the Equal Pay Act into the system,

and they're just these lovely ladies from Essex.

I should tell people, by the way, it opens in the West End

-on the 5th of November, that's the big glitzy night.

-Officially.

But then the previews are from the 9th of October.

So, I've said all the good thing.

In the real story, they get equal pay in the Ford factory

in Dagenham, but does that open up for women across the country?

Well, what happens in our story is slightly different

-to what happened in real life.

-They sing.

LAUGHTER

I'm sure the girls sang as well in real life.

But it really opened it up.

They were the first to get equal pay in the workplace.

It set up the whole equal pay for equal work act,

which was already instrumental in America at the time, but not the UK.

So, if a man's doing the same job as a woman,

they should be getting equal pay.

So, that's what these women did. It's huge.

Have you been back to Essex? Have you met the women?

-Are they around?

-The women are actually here tonight.

-Oh!

-Come and wave your hands, ladies.

-There they are!

-Oh!

CHEERING

That's amazing!

It's Gwen, Eileen and Vera.

-So, is it Gwen, Eileen, Vera?

-Yes.

Yeah. And presumably, you saw the movie.

Have you seen any of the workshops to the musicals yet?

-Yes.

-A part of it, yeah.

LAUGHTER

Eileen doesn't seem that keen!

"I saw a bit of it, yeah...

"Not sure I'd sit through the whole thing!"

LAUGHTER

Did you like the musical? You're on television, say yes!

-Oh, yes!

-Yeah? Good.

LAUGHTER

Say yes, you'll get free tickets and a taxi home!

LAUGHTER

So, at the time, was there a big fuss?

Were you in the papers and did it seems like a big deal at the time?

At the time, yeah. But...

after it was all over, it was all forgotten.

So, that was a double surprise when the movie came out?

When?

LAUGHTER

"Movie? What movie?!"

LAUGHTER

"What is that man talking about?!

"It's a musical! We've seen a bit of it."

Do you stay in touch because of the movie and things?

Has that brought you back together or have you been friends for years?

-All the time.

-All the time.

-Aw!

-Isn't that sweet?

-That's fantastic!

-They've just gotten back off holiday.

-They go on holiday together.

-Oh, really?

Fantastic!

-Gemma was just saying you go on holiday together?

-Yes.

With all your extra pay!

LAUGHTER

"Put it in the holiday fund, didn't we? Yeah!"

-Now, the singing.

-Yeah.

I feel like we should have known you were a singer by now.

How did this happen? Have you always been a singer?

Yes, but it's, erm...

The right thing has not come along.

I've always wanted to do a musical,

but I wanted to do something that was original

and never been done before.

You know, I have sung in films, but not really.

Yeah, so, this is the first time in public.

Not to put you on the spot, but to put you on the spot...

No, no, not to sing a whole song.

-Are there any bits?

-Little bits?

Can you do a little bit?

There's a song called Busy Woman, which starts the show.

It's all the girls in the house doing their housework. It goes...

# If you want something done

# Ask a busy woman

# Cos your wasting your time asking a man

# She can do in an hour what he can't do in ten

# It's the basic effing difference between us and effing them

# If you want it done then ask a busy woman. #

Wow!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Eileen's smiling now.

She's going, "Oh, yeah! Effing Eileen."

Oh, yeah.

Eileen's like, "Oh, it's better than I remember!

"It's quite good! Oh, it's come on, it's come on!" Yeah.

You haven't seen that one, have you?

No.

LAUGHTER

They don't remember the entire film, Gemma, I really wouldn't go...

I wouldn't go on individual songs.

So, here is the thing, Gemma and Peter have something in common,

because Gemma was in a band. What was the name of your band?

Violent Pink.

-Was this when you were in school?

-When I was in Gravesend.

-Yeah, we were a four-part girl band.

-Were you kind of punky?

Yeah. It was a kind of like...

Angsty, Alanis Morrisette kind of stuff with harmonies.

I think Violent Pink is a good name for a band.

-Yeah?

-Peter Capaldi's band...

I would say...

a less good name.

What was your band called?

Er... The Dream Boys.

LAUGHTER

This was at a time before the Chippendales

and acts like that, and remember, we were all just kids at art school,

so we thought that we were being Kafkaesque and arty and dark.

But of course, people didn't think that.

They thought they were booking a bunch of guys

to come up and take their clothes off,

which we didn't do, but we would if people paid us!

Before that we were called...

Our first name was the Bastards From Hell...

which was more appropriate to the punk ethos that we were clinging to.

LAUGHTER

Denzel, have you ever dabbled in musicals?

No.

But in Denzel's new movie, you bust a move!

Oh, I got my little, er...

What do you call it? Gladys Knight And The Pips.

Look at him go! Yeah!

Was that choreographed or was that all in you?

That's all me! All me!

I YouTubed them,

and I stood in front of the computer and I'm like, "OK..."

LAUGHTER

Do you want a little bit of music? Let's hear some music.

# I'll be with him

# I know you will

# On that midnight train to Georgia

# Leaving on the midnight train to Georgia

# Whoo! Whoo!

# I would rather live in his world... #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

And that's as violent as the film gets.

LAUGHTER

He lies!

Now, Peter Capaldi, new Doctor Who, I had no idea.

Your career is extraordinary. So... No, no.

Let's start with Doctor Who.

Every Doctor Who always says, "I was a fan when I was a kid growing up."

This man... I mean, you were beyond a fan!

Oh, gosh!

LAUGHTER

None of this would have come out.

None of this would've come out, my total geekness,

my total anorak-ness, as a child, a teenager,

would've been left to...

-But the good thing is, your letters...

-Oh, no!

No, no, no! There's a letter...

LAUGHTER

No! No, we don't have... No.

There was a sweet letter you sent to the Radio Times,

we won't read that one, that was you saying how much you liked

the Doctor Who Special. There's this weird thing, right?

So, there's a Doctor Who fan club, and the guy who ran that,

Keith Miller, he put... This is volume one.

Can you imagine the size of his anorak?

This is volume one of the...

This isn't the story of Doctor Who,

this is the story of the fan club, volume one.

LAUGHTER

-So, Peter decided he was...

-No!

No, there was a fan club, and Peter decided

-he should be the head of the fan club.

-Oh, no! No, no, no!

So, he wrote to Sarah Newman, at the Doctor Who office.

This is proper. This is a woman that really works at the BBC.

-I can't even remember.

-How old were you?

Don't even... 21.

LAUGHTER

This is the reply to you,

"Dear Peter, thank you for your letter.

"The pictures aren't ready yet, and secondly, I'm afraid,

"we have an official Doctor Who fan club secretary.

"I'm passing your letter on to him and I expect he will send you

"something himself. Yours sincerely, Sarah Newman."

See, that's all very nice. That's very nice.

Then in another letter, to the guy who is the secretary

of the fan club, she writes, "No, no, no. You're not by any means

"worse than Peter C."

LAUGHTER

"I had a very sad letter back from him today.

"I think I better write back and apologise.

"I think it's the end, and I wish the Daleks would exterminate him

"or something to that effect."

She worked for the BBC?!

Where is she now?

She's here tonight!

LAUGHTER

And I'm Doctor Who!

Take that!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

That's terrible. I can't imagine the BBC let that happen.

But how annoying must you have been?

LAUGHTER

"I wish something would kill him."

Despite all of that stuff of being a kid,

I loved Doctor Who when I was a kid,

and then you reach an age when you get involved

in sex and drugs and rock'n'roll and you move on and you have a life.

Let's just say I spent a lot of time drinking.

LAUGHTER

A lot of time drinking and eating curries and getting confused,

-which is where the modelling comes from.

-Weird.

The modelling. I so don't understand the modelling.

So, this picture, I sort of do.

I kind of... That one...

Awful as it is, it sort of makes sense. This next one...

Was the cameraman blind?

What... What... That is not a pose at all!

I know! I can't even put my elbow on the stool!

Something's gone wrong there, totally.

That is just being an idiot.

That's just being... You don't know anything.

Nobody gives you a book to say, "This is how to become an actor."

This is what you do. You're just an idiot!

Drinking lager and having curry, and people say...

Did you send those pictures out to people?

They were nothing to do with me. It was a popular daily newspaper.

-So, they were published?

-Yes!

LAUGHTER

-I just assumed that was you trying to be a model.

-No, no!

-They were published?!

-Obviously, I was a style icon!

LAUGHTER

Then, so, you look at that picture, and you think,

"Clearly, he will never be troubled by success."

LAUGHTER

You could put a big stamp guarantee, "loser" on it.

LAUGHTER

What an amazing moment, then, all these years later, when you are

sitting in a dressing room waiting to walk on the set to be Doctor Who.

-That must have been mind-blowing?

-It was amazing. It was wonderful.

It's a great gift and privilege, and great fun.

It's brilliant.

Didn't you have to pretend not to know how to use the TARDIS

when you got the part? Weren't people trying to explain

-to you how to do it?

-Well, everybody...

See, all the stuff that you've just read out,

they didn't know, so I go on the set and guys say to me,

"Turn that switch there, this, that and the other."

I said, "I know how to work this."

LAUGHTER

"You don't have to tell me how to work it. I know."

And what's that...

This is, again, one of those weird coincidence-type stories.

You're in the Czech Republic when you find out.

What's that sweet story about?

The story is that it's very secret when you become Doctor Who,

cos Matt Smith, who was wonderful, he was still being Doctor Who,

so they keep it a secret when there's a new Doctor Who.

But I knew I was cast, but I wasn't allowed to tell anybody.

I happened to be Cardinal Richelieu in The Musketeers

in the Czech Republic, and we moved...

We were filming and then we moved to the north of the Czech Republic

to a place called Moravia.

To a very small town there.

Er, and we were filming this scene.

I was in all of my resplendent kind of Richelieu dark cloak,

and there was a little lad who was playing a pageboy.

He started to talk to me and he couldn't speak English very well.

He said, "I love you as Doctor Who."

I said, "You love me as Doctor Who?"

He said, "Yeah, I love you as..." I thought, "How can he know?

"Here? I can't even tell anybody on the production."

He said, "I loved you in the episode about Pompeii."

And what he was saying was he loved me in an episode of Doctor Who,

cos I had been in an episode with David Tennant,

playing a character in Pompeii.

I said, "Do you like Doctor Who?" He said, "I love it."

He said, "I'm a Whovian." And I thought,

"I've stumbled upon the only person in the Czech Republic...

"who knows this show and he loves it,

"and he's standing next to the new Doctor Who and he doesn't know."

-Did you tell him?

-I was going to say, did you tell him?

So I said nothing. I said, "Have you a phone with a camera?"

He said, "I haven't got it on me."

I said, "Go and get it, you should have your picture taken with me."

Er...

Oh!

That is so sweet.

He wasn't very interested in doing that.

Now, listen, Peter continues as Doctor Who on Saturdays

at 8.30 on BBC One and, yes, we have a very exclusive...

This isn't from tomorrow's episode, this is from a week tomorrow

and presumably you can't tell us anything about this.

I can't remember anything about it!

Well, let's all enjoy this exclusive clip

of next week's Doctor Who episode.

SCRABBLING

I think we've found your alien.

Back, back, back!

-We need a door! A door!

-Here! Here!

The door's locked.

SCREECHING

There's no power to work it!

SCREECHING Come on!

Doctor!

Stay still. It's sensing movement. It can't see you.

Fast movement.

There must be another exit through there.

Slowly!

SCRABBLING Slowly!

Head to that exit.

Slowly! Slowly!

Slowly! Slowly!

SCRABBLING

Gently! Gently!

When I say "run", run!

Who made you the boss?

Well, you say "run", then.

I know, I tell you...

Right, before our first stories of the series in the big, red chair,

it's time for our musical guest.

This young man's debut album is at the top of the charts

and his first single Budapest went gold in five countries.

Tonight, performing his second single, Blame It On Me,

please welcome George Ezra!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

# The garden was blessed by the Gods of me and you

# We headed west for to find ourselves some truth, ooh

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# We counted all our reasons, excuses that we made

# We found ourselves some treasure and threw it all away, ooh

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# When I dance alone and the sun's bleeding down

# Blame it on me

# When I lose control and the veil's overused

# Blame it on me

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# Caught in the tide of blossom, caught in the carnival

# Your confidence forgotten, I see the gypsies run

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# When I dance alone and the sun's bleeding down

# Blame it on me

When I lose control and the veil's overused

# Blame it on me

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# When I dance alone and the sun's bleeding down

# Blame it on me

# When I lose control and the veil's overused

# Blame it on me

# When I dance alone, I know I'll go

# Blame it on me, oh!

# When I lose control, I know I'll go

# Blame it on me, oh!

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for?

# What you waiting for? What you waiting for? #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

George Ezra, everybody. Very good.

Excellent job, sir. Come and join us. Come on and join us.

-Hello, sir. Very nice to meet you.

-Hello. Thank you very much.

-Say hi to Peter Capaldi...

-Hi, how are you doing? Lovely to meet you.

-..Gemma Arterton...

-Hi, Gemma.

-Lovely to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

..and that's your actual Denzel Washington right there. Very good.

Oh, so congratulations and everything, sir.

-Yeah, thank you very much.

-It's very cool.

-How old are you?

-I'm 21.

-21.

Oh, God! You look 11!

But the song is fantastic and that's the new single.

-Budapest has been number one all over the place.

-Yeah.

That album's still in the charts...

That's the best bit - when you release an album, it's nice to know

that the album sticks around and not just a song.

-That's the nice thing.

-Now the cover of the album Wanted On Voyage...

-Oh, you've got it up.

-Yeah! Oh, yeah!

Yeah, yeah, I've got a computer and everything! Yeah!

I'm...

I know I'm old...

Even I have a computer! So, no, it's clever.

So obviously that's you in the middle there.

-That's definitely me.

-Who's everybody else?

Surrounding it is my family and friends.

They're all dressed up as different people.

Who's that in the curlers?

Well, you kind of ruined it there

because she's not family or a friend!

Tip for the future - lie! "That's my Auntie Edith."

How is it your voice sounds so sweet when you speak,

but your singing voice is great too but it sounds much deeper?

Do you know? Yeah, I could never really sing.

My brother and sister could

and I used to sing a lot but I wasn't very good.

I remember reading the back of a Lead Belly album. He said...

No, it said on it Lead Belly's voice was so big

you had to turn your record player down compared to other records.

And I thought, "Having a big voice could be fun," and I tried it.

And I could do it, so I didn't ask any questions.

I just continued to do it.

I am so pleased to say the Eurovision Song Contest

-played an enormous part in your success.

-Yeah.

So what happened was, a lot of the album was written while

I travelled around Europe by myself, about...

just over a year ago, I think.

And, er, I stopped off in Malmo

and it was the Eurovision Song Contest final in Malmo.

Now, I'd never seen it before, but I was staying...

-I'd been put in touch with these girls who lived in Malmo.

-Oh, yeah?

So I was with them and they said...

and they said we should go and watch the Eurovision...

You could watch it in parks and stuff.

OK. You can't buy alcohol after a certain time in Malmo,

which was an issue, seeing as we were watching...

-Something you need to be drunk to watch!

-Exactly.

-So I found myself...

-I find myself...

Honestly, I mean, yeah, it helped. We found, er...

this guy very kindly sold us a bottle of rum in the park and, er...

..the bottle of rum ended up inside me

and I missed my train the next morning.

I was meant to go to Budapest and I missed my train.

Budapest was the only city I was meant to visit

that I didn't made it to,

er, so then I wrote a song called Budapest,

listing the things I didn't have

and trying to tell someone from the Hungarian press

that the song Budapest has nothing to do with Hungary is impossible.

Honestly, it kills it every time.

Have you stayed in touch with the girls in Malmo?

Loosely, yeah.

Seriously, George, congratulations on everything.

It's fantastic to meet someone who has just arrived

and you're going to have an amazing time, so congratulations

and good luck with the tour.

Right, before we go, let's have our first visit

of the new series on the red chair.

Who's up first?

GASPING

Oh, I can't!

-PETER: Oh, that's terrible!

-I need...

It was right, though.

No, it's the first show back - I need to build up to that.

I just didn't have the emotional energy to cope with that.

I apologise. Come back and see us later in the series.

I'll hear your story then. I feel bad now. Not that bad! Er...

-Who's up next? Hello!

-Hello.

-What's your name?

-My name's Lucy.

-Lucy, lovely, Lucy, what do you do?

-I am a buxom barmaid.

-A barmaid! Fabulous!

-Where do you do the barmaiding?

-Twickenham.

-Oh, dear!

-CHEERING

-Oh, no, they're loving Twickenham.

All right, off you go with your story.

I've been Scouting my whole life.

-When I was about 12...

-Sorry, you've been what?

-Scouting.

-As in...

-Oh, being a Scout.

-..bit of a nerd.

-Oh, I see, being a Scout!

-Yes.

And on one camp, I was about 12, it was quite rainy.

And it was about a half-hour walk from the toilets.

Wake up in the middle of the night, I suddenly realise...

"Oh, God, oh, I've got to poo!"

So, I've taken a bag and some tissues with me.

Be prepared - the Scout that I am.

I look at the bag and I think, "Yeah, I'm going to have to,

"I can't make it all the way,"

so I went in the bag and I thought, "I'm just going to lob it.

"I won't have to deal with it. Someone else can. We'll be fine."

So I throw it as far as I think I can.

Go back to bed, wake up in the morning, everyone is laughing

and shouting. Something is happening. Get out of my bunk bed.

Go outside and, oh, God, oh, just on the branch outside the door,

about head height, there's the bag.

Visibly, there's a poo in the bag. Never confessed.

So, to everyone who was on that camp,

this is my confession - that was mine.

Shall we let her walk?

-I have a question.

-She can walk.

-Oh, wait, wait, we have a question.

-She said she pooped?

-Yeah.

-That's, like, number two?

-Yeah.

-She didn't say she wiped!

-No, I took tissues.

-She had a tissue.

-I'm not completely filthy.

I might poo in a bag but at least I'm going to wipe. Come on!

I just want to know - is there a badge for that?

A steaming turd in a triangle.

-There you go, you can walk.

-Thank you.

-Off you go.

Well done in the red chair.

If you'd like to join us on the show

and have a go in that chair, you can.

Contact us via our website at this very address.

Thank you very much to all my guests tonight - George Ezra...

..Peter Capaldi...

..Gemma Arterton...

..and Mr Denzel Washington.

Join me next week with music from Lenny Kravitz,

rising star Luke Evans,

Oscar-winning actress and writer Emma Thompson

and the heart-throb that is Hugh Grant. See you then.

Good night, everybody. Goodbye.

The only good thing about older...

The only good thing for the women in the audience,

cos everyone thinks you're old and there's no one-night stands,

cos just to get the old guy out of the car, into the house,

up the stairs, on you, off of you,

re-diapered, back in the car and off.

Four days! Four days! It's a relationship.