Christmas Special 2011 The Rob Brydon Show


Christmas Special 2011

On this festive extravaganza, Rob is joined by comedian Noel Fielding, Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding, Kiwi comedian Rhys Darby, and Shooting Stars's Angelos Epithemiou.


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Transcript


LineFromTo

Cheesy snacks... Got the nuts, got the crisps.

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Oh, I hope people turn up.

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FRENETIC MUSIC

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you, guys.

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Hello! Hello.

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No, stop...

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That's enough. I don't know if I've got enough to go round.

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Come on now. Come on. Have these. Pass them around.

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There we are. They're not all for you, love. Look at that.

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-A lovely fancy dress audience.

-AUDIENCE CHEER

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Yes!

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I love it. YOU could have made more of an effort. Stick that on.

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Look at this couple here. It's like WWII all over again.

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Look at that. ..Same to you, you cheeky bugger!

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Now there are two people who are very much in fancy dress.

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Just look up there. There's a nurse. I'm going to say it - a sexy nurse.

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-It's Zoe and Rich, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Now those costumes have significance for you, don't they?

-They do.

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We met at a fantasy sex... uh, fancy dress party!

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-So you're not a real nurse, then?

-No, I'm not.

-We have real nurses.

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-We have some from Maidstone. Where are the Maidstone...? Now is that Nikki on the end?

-It is.

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-Hello, Nikki.

-Hello.

-Hello.

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-A little bird told me there's somebody you have a crush on.

-I don't know who that would be.

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-You're a bit older than me, though.

-What did you say? WHAT did you say?

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-You're slightly older than me.

-Slightly older?!

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How dare...?! Look what you've done to my voice!

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-Now you've had to work over Christmas, I suppose.

-Yep.

-At which hospital in Maidstone?

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Maidstone.

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No, don't applaud that. No, no.

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My house band for this evening is the fantastic Alejandro and the Magic Tombolinos.

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Excellent stuff. Now then...

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh! Just on cue.

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It's my first guest.

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Who can it be?

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LIVELY MUSIC

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CHEERING

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Noel Fielding!

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Wow! What a crowd!

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-Hello!

-Ohh.

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Noel Fielding!

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CHEERING CONTINUES

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Now...

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-That's a hell of a welcome, isn't it?

-Look at that crowd!

-Well...

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-To you, they're just dressed normally.

-It's the Guess Who board. I'm loving it.

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Wow, there's some freaks in. LAUGHTER

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-I'll get straight to the point. This is what you'd wear normally. You haven't come in fancy dress.

-No.

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I've just come from work, actually! I just thought I'd...

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-I'm trying to make my hair and coat sort of join.

-So we don't know where one ends and one begins?

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Like a sort of Camden owl. LAUGHTER

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Now then, where does your style come from?

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-Em...

-And this sounds rude, but were you always like this?

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-I guess so. My mum's quite stylish.

-Yeah.

-My dad used to be. In the '70s, he'd wear mental clothes.

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Like yellow flares and tops with stars on them,

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-then he went quite straight in the '80s.

-You had young parents. Your mum was 18?

-Yeah, really young.

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So they were really cool and dressed like they were in Black Sabbath.

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Then all of a sudden in the '80s my dad got quite square.

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"That's enough of yellow flares. I'll just wear a shirt and some leisure trousers."

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He just stopped, but my mum carried on.

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-Where was this?

-In South London. What was hilarious was they had this three-wheeler car

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called a Bomb Bug. An orange thing and the roof went up like that.

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So not only did they wear yellow flares and had a three-wheeled orange triangle car...

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-I was just a laughing stock!

-It sounds like you grew up in a cartoon, didn't you?

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It was a bit like Roobarb and Custard, yeah. It sort of wobbled as well.

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They'd come in their triangle car. HUMS "Roobarb" THEME

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You have had a reputation as what I would call a party animal.

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-Is that fair?

-I do like a party, yeah. Who doesn't?

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I've seen you photographed out and about on the Camden scene,

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-staying up beyond midnight. Is this true?

-Ten past one.

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-That's my record.

-Don't you feel terrible the next day?

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Yeah.

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You mean the day after the next day. The next day you're still up.

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CHEERING You feel good the next day.

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Well, what...what would a typical evening involve if I came along with you?

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If I rang and said, "Noel..." You pick it up by mistake.

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"It's Rob. Hi. You came on my show.

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"You said we could go out to Camden together. It's half six now. Em...

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"I've left it a bit late. I've just had my dinner.

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-"Where shall we meet?" Where would we meet?

-I don't know... LAUGHTER

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In a forest. I'd send someone out for you.

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Now your new show is even weirder than the Boosh.

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-Yeah.

-It really is.

-In a way.

-Oh, in every way.

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I wanted a slightly different image so I thought maybe Bollywood Elvis would be good. I'd get a butler,

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but he can be an anteater and... my best friend's got four arms.

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Is it the next step from the Boosh, would you say?

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I think for me. Julian wanted to go off and do some straight theatre and explore that.

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I wanted to get hold of the animation side of it. We'd the Moon and the 2D animation in the Boosh

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and I wanted to see how far you could take that.

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So the guy that I work with did the Moon and animation in the Boosh. And I met him at art school.

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-The brief was to try to make the most psychedelic, weirdest show ever.

-You've fulfilled your brief.

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-DOORBELL

-Oh! Noel, Noel...

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It's Noel's House Party!

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I wonder who THIS could be.

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CHEERING

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Hello!

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Look at you! Hello. ..Sarah Harding!

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Look at you.

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Hi.

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-Look at this. You two know each other, I assume?

-Yeah, well, kind of.

-Yeah.

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-What does that mean?

-We're passing ships. We've met a few times.

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-You were on tour somewhere and we...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-And one time I don't remember.

-No, I don't.

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-Yeah.

-It was a crazy night. LAUGHTER

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-Ten past one, Rob!

-I've had similar experiences with Ronnie Corbett

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where the two of us are smashed off our tits.

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Literally no memory of what time we left the golf club.

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So it seems silly to ask you if you're a party girl. Don't you try to deny it!

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-Slightly retired. I'm a country bumpkin now.

-You moved to the country. Is that a real thing?

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It's not like a stage! It's real.

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-I've got a veggie patch and everything.

-A veggie patch?

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-It's not a euphemism, Noel. So you're out in the country and you're acting more now.

-I am.

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-Is that as big a thing as the music?

-I think music's my first love.

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I couldn't ever not do music. But acting, yeah, totally. Love it.

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I nearly wanted you. We had you in the top three for St Trinian's with Ricky from Kaiser Chiefs.

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-Did he do it in the end?

-Yeah. You weren't available.

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LAUGHTER

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-Cheers(!)

-That was a narrow miss.

-Yeah.

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-What did you do before you became fabulous? You were a beautician?

-I was a beauty school dropout.

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Oh, lovely. From Grease. Now you're getting down to my level.

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So that means you can look at people and make judgments.

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-Be very honest.

-OK.

-Noel Fielding, Rob Brydon. Two out there guys.

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If you had to... Give me a minute. If you had to pick,

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if you had to single out one for being a little bit styly...

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Oh, I don't know. It depends whether I like smart guys or Camden guys.

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-Suddenly there's a rivalry between us.

-I like a bit of both.

-Do you?

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-Oh...!

-LAUGHTER

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-Did I? I wasn't, was I?

-I just didn't imagine I'd be having a threesome with Rob Brydon.

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-Of all the people!

-Please don't say it like it was a terrible thought.

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That superinjunction cost a lot of money.

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DOORBELL

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LAUGHTER

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It's Rhys Darby!

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Welcome. Wow!

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-Rhys Darby, ladies and gentlemen. Have a seat.

-Hi! How are you?

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Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords. Now then, everybody tonight has come dressed up

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because it's party time. Are you a big partygoer?

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Oh, I'm king of the parties.

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-Really?

-Not really.

-LAUGHTER

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Did you used to go...? Do you remember at the school disco at the end of the night,

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all having a great time, and then they'd play Happy Christmas (War Is Over)?

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# So this is Christmas... # And that was when all your mates would pair off with girls

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and I would be stood at the edge of the dance floor with my nose pressed against the window pane.

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A metaphorical window pane. Or were you one of the boys who managed to nab a girl

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-for that important last dance/snog?

-Well, I'll admit

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I'm a keen dancer.

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And...and what I lacked in the initial, social, conversational period

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I would more than make up for once the song's come on. I really clear my own space.

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You can ask anyone

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and I am probably the hottest dancer that I know.

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Well, Rhys, I mean, we have a band.

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We have a rug.

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-What a Christmas treat...

-What a treat!

-..if you would bust some moves

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-to give us a...

-CHEERING

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-I mean, guys, anything. What tempo would suit you, Rhys?

-You want upbeat.

-They can do upbeat.

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They do nuclear.

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-They go very fast.

-Have you got any Jive Bunny and the mastermixes?

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-There he goes.

-FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

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Wow!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you!

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Are you on medication?

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-LAUGHTER

-No.

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Everybody loves Flight of the Conchords and I loved Murray.

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-Your character was sublime. Will we see more of him?

-Well...

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I would love to say yes and I certainly can't say no. I'd hate to think he wouldn't be done again.

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Was it something that the boys...? Do you need half an hour to catch your breath?

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Well, you saw what I just did! I did that and then straight away with another question!

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"Tell us about your mother."

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-All right.

-The Conchords, it started off for most audiences here as a radio show.

-Yeah.

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Then it became the TV show for HBO and that took you to Hollywood.

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-Yeah.

-How did that come about?

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We did the Conchords on HBO,

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so even that was very popular.

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It was on a cable channel, so there were so many millions of people that never saw it,

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but of course, when it came out on DVD, a lot of people saw it after that.

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-On the one DVD?

-There's two DVDs now.

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-You pass the DVDs around?

-We pass them round.

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Yeah.

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So all the cast and crew saw it.

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And then word got out, you see.

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It was big in the comedy circles. You're familiar with those circles.

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Yes, I am. We're going to talk more in a little minute,

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but just sit back and relax now and please welcome the very, very funny Charlie Baker!

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APPLAUSE

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Hello!

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That's very nice of you. That's enough. I might be rubbish!

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Hello, I'm Charlie Baker. I'm waiting for Jack Black to die.

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LAUGHTER

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I've only ever met a couple of very famous people.

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Jay-Z, Jay-Z, the world's biggest rapper, Jay-Z.

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I don't know about you, but if I see someone famous, I have a little voic in the back of my head

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that goes, "There's Jay-Z there.

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"There's Jay-Z, the world's biggest rapper. There he is.

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"Go and speak to Jay-Z. Go on.

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"Say something to him. Show him your cardigan. Do something."

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I've got to say something to Jay-Z, so I said this, ladies and gentlemen

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I said this to the world's biggest rapper. "Jay-Z!"

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LAUGHTER

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I went for a high five with the world's biggest rapper. I'm thinking "You look a right knob now!

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"You look an absolute penis here! He's not going to give you a high five."

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But he did. He gave me the high five Bang, yeah, pretty good!

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APPLAUSE Come here. Come here.

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Come here, look.

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Whoa! Feel pretty good now, don't you?

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It's in a sort of six degrees of separation way, right?

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You have just touched the hand that's touched the hand

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that has touched Beyonce's knockers.

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Yeah, pretty good, eh? Have another go. Go on, go on.

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Get lost, she's not a slag. She's not a slag.

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If you liked it, you should've put a ring on it. It's your own fault.

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I've been in pantomime, but the one thing I did learn, and I'm going to teach you tonight,

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is the three secret moves.

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There's three secret dance moves. They're brilliant.

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You'll go to any panto this Christmas or any am-dram show and you'll see these three moves.

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Here's the first move you require if you want to be in any amateur dramatics dance show - the side sway

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LAUGHTER

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The second one is a bit more difficult. It's the box step.

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LAUGHTER

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And the third one is my own personal favourite - the knee bounce.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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The reason they use these moves is because they work for any show tune at all.

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What was that? Luck Be A Lady, a bit of Guys And Dolls.

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# Luck be a lady tonight

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# Luck be a lady tonight

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# Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with

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# Luck be a lady tonight... # APPLAUSE

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A bit of Oklahoma! Here we go.

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A bit of Rodgers and Hammerstein.

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# Oh, what a beautiful morning

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# Oh, what a beautiful day

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# I got a beautiful feeling

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# Everything's going my... #

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What's that? Christmas. Here we go.

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# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

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# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh... #

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It's a bit camp, that one.

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Have a happy Christmas. I'm Charlie Baker. Good night! Thank you very much!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Charlie Baker! Thanks, Charlie.

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Now then, Rhys, do they have Christmas in New Zealand?

0:18:480:18:53

-We do.

-Yeah?

-We do, of course.

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-Big Christmas, family?

-Yes, of course. It's like it is here.

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It's... It's very confusing in New Zealand on that side of the world because it's summer.

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-Yes.

-As you can imagine, it's the opposite of what's going on here.

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It's the opposite of winter, isn't it?

0:19:110:19:14

-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

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And yet our culture is the same, so we get all the same Christmas songs

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and all the same sort of festive affair that you have here with the snow.

0:19:220:19:28

-Which makes it even more confusing.

-Exactly.

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So we have people that spray fake snow on all the windows

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and it's a bit sad.

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You have your own children now. Two, is that right?

0:19:400:19:43

Do you put out a little carrot for the reindeer?

0:19:430:19:47

-Well, yes.

-I do that as well.

0:19:470:19:50

We had to move houses because our first house didn't have any chimney

0:19:500:19:54

and so the younger son Finn who was four at the time said, "Santa can't get here."

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So we had to shift.

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He's one of these kids that says, "There's no logical way Santa could get in here

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"and I'm going to miss out."

0:20:080:20:10

We said, "He comes through the door of houses that don't have chimneys." "No, he doesn't."

0:20:100:20:17

So we had to actually shift which was a shame because we had a great house.

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Now we've got a much smaller house, but it's got a massive chimney.

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He gets loads of presents, so he's happy.

0:20:260:20:29

What people may not know about you, I was amazed to find out, is that you were in the New Zealand Army.

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Oh!

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APPLAUSE

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They don't believe it.

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What is the purpose of the New Zealand Army? Are you keeping Australia at bay?

0:20:420:20:47

-What does it do?

-It's a small army, but we do the same thing every army does, except, I guess...

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Look, when I was in there, there was a lot of rescuing sheep, to be honest.

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LAUGHTER

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We didn't fight in any conflicts in the last ten years.

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What was your role? Infantryman, paratrooper?

0:21:050:21:08

Oh, no, I was a signaller.

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A signaller? So...beep-beep-beep.

0:21:110:21:14

-Yes, Morse Code.

-Beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep.

0:21:140:21:18

Oh, thanks very much(!) That's a bit rude!

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Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, dee-dee, doo-doo-doo-doo!

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APPLAUSE

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DOORBELL

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LIVELY FOLK MUSIC

0:21:300:21:33

APPLAUSE

0:21:360:21:38

It's Angelos Epithemiou!

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Welcome. How are you? All right, come on in.

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Come on in. Thank you very much.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:21:510:21:54

Angelos, please, have a seat.

0:21:580:22:01

I will sit here, but I am not supposed to be anywhere near this woman.

0:22:010:22:06

-Why?

-I've taken out a restraining order on her because she will not leave me alone.

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-What are you talking about?

-It's phone calls, it's faxes, it's emails.

0:22:140:22:19

You have got to get it in your head it is never going to happen!

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APPLAUSE

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If she promises not to bother you, will you join us?

0:22:280:22:33

-Don't touch me!

-I won't.

0:22:330:22:35

Now, I have to ask you... Sarah, Sarah... Let's not involve the authorities.

0:22:350:22:40

-You're winding me up. Whoa!

-The first thing I have to ask you is what's in your bag?

0:22:400:22:47

Well, in the bag tonight, I've got all sorts of rubbish.

0:22:470:22:51

I've got... I've got this

0:22:510:22:54

which is me.

0:22:540:22:56

-So you don't get recognised?

-I just bung it on people's faces like that,

0:22:560:23:00

then I've got some idea of what it's like to talk to me.

0:23:000:23:04

LAUGHTER It's good fun.

0:23:040:23:07

Now then, I know you through Vic and Bob.

0:23:090:23:12

-Yes.

-How are they?

0:23:120:23:14

I don't know. I don't see them.

0:23:140:23:17

We do not socialise outside of the show

0:23:170:23:21

because I have not forgiven them for tricking me into doing it in the first place.

0:23:210:23:27

How have you been celebrating Christmas? What would be a typical Christmas for you?

0:23:280:23:33

I would celebrate Christmas usually with me family.

0:23:330:23:37

With me mum and me dad and me four brothers -

0:23:370:23:40

Agatheus, Agamemnon, Apostolos and Algerius, right?

0:23:400:23:44

We'd go round the house and celebrate it there, but I haven' heard from them since September,

0:23:460:23:51

so I don't know what's happening this year. I think they'll call me.

0:23:510:23:56

I have been round to their house and it's all boarded up, so I don't know what's going on.

0:23:560:24:01

But they'll ring me in due course to let me know the festivity arrangements.

0:24:010:24:06

-I look forward to it as well.

-Did...

-Hold on a second. A question from Sarah.

0:24:060:24:11

-You can come to mine if you want.

-Hmm?

-Come to mine if you want.

0:24:110:24:15

This is exactly what I'm talking about!

0:24:150:24:18

Will you leave it alone?

0:24:210:24:23

-I'm only being polite.

-We had that one night in the Holiday Inn.

-Yes.

0:24:230:24:29

And we both agreed you was rubbish.

0:24:290:24:31

You didn't know what you were doing, fumbling around,

0:24:310:24:36

so from now on, it's just a "no"!

0:24:360:24:39

You've got to be brutal because she'll only, backstage, flash me her bits and I don't want to see it.

0:24:390:24:44

It's Christmas. Everybody's in the party spirit.

0:24:440:24:48

Are you a party man yourself?

0:24:480:24:50

Yeah, big time, big time,

0:24:500:24:54

because people want me to come to their parties all the time.

0:24:540:24:58

They look at me and they go, "Yeah, I like the look of him."

0:24:580:25:02

Oh, yes, yes. But what's going on upstairs?

0:25:020:25:06

That's what they want to know and there's a lot going on up there.

0:25:060:25:11

I like to talk about things like music

0:25:110:25:14

and other stuff and politics and all that sort of stuff.

0:25:140:25:19

You'd be in the kitchen in the party, not cutting a rug like Rhys?

0:25:190:25:23

No, I'd just be in the kitchen having a chat and all that sort of carry-on and holding court.

0:25:230:25:30

-That's what I'd be doing.

-And no sor of music would tempt you out?

0:25:300:25:34

-Not at all.

-Not even if it was Tiger Feet by Mud?

0:25:340:25:38

Well, that would tempt me out, yes.

0:25:380:25:40

Or Fox On The Run by Sweet or anything from the '60s or 'the 70s.

0:25:400:25:45

Pretty much anything I'll go and dance to, actually.

0:25:450:25:48

I hate being in the kitchen at parties. I'm no good at it.

0:25:480:25:53

Do any of you have party tricks that you do?

0:25:530:25:56

Any little things that you can sort of just...? Yes, yes, Rhys?

0:25:560:26:01

Take that. Listen to this.

0:26:010:26:04

Two, two, testing.

0:26:040:26:07

That's not it, is it?

0:26:070:26:09

What I'll do is I'll do...

0:26:090:26:11

For the festive season, I'll do the sound effects of Santa arriving

0:26:110:26:17

at the top of the house

0:26:170:26:20

and then coming down the chimney to put the presents under the tree.

0:26:200:26:25

Here he comes. Santa arriving, folks.

0:26:250:26:28

MAKES FAST GALLOPING SOUND

0:26:300:26:32

MAKES THUMPING SOUNDS

0:26:360:26:38

Ohh! Aagh!

0:26:430:26:45

COUGHS

0:26:480:26:50

Ho ho ho!

0:26:500:26:52

-APPLAUSE

-Very good.

0:26:520:26:55

That was... That was special.

0:26:580:27:01

So we're heading to a new year.

0:27:010:27:04

What does it hold for my guests tonight?

0:27:040:27:07

Rhys, where will you be? Which hemisphere will you be in?

0:27:070:27:11

-It's hard to say. You don't know what's round the next corner.

-More movies?

0:27:110:27:16

Yes, films, television, a book as well.

0:27:160:27:20

-Reading or writing?

-LAUGHTER

0:27:200:27:23

Yeah, uh, reading.

0:27:240:27:26

You're just planning to buy a book.

0:27:260:27:28

Well, we wish you luck with that.

0:27:280:27:32

-Angelos?

-I'm just going to put me feet up.

0:27:320:27:35

I've got about 70 episodes of Crimewatch to get through.

0:27:350:27:39

I've had them recorded since 1994 an you don't get the time to watch 'em.

0:27:390:27:43

You can't catch up cos they're always making new ones,

0:27:430:27:47

so I'm going to watch them

0:27:470:27:49

and I'll just be living off the profits of my DVD what is out now.

0:27:490:27:54

CHEERING

0:27:540:27:56

On that festive note, let me say a big thank you to all my guests tonight.

0:27:560:28:01

Thanks to everybody who has joined in our special festive party.

0:28:010:28:04

To finish, we shall have some music!

0:28:040:28:07

APPLAUSE

0:28:070:28:10

LIVELY FOLK MUSIC

0:28:160:28:18

CHEERING

0:28:190:28:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:580:29:01

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

0:29:010:29:06

Email [email protected]

0:29:060:29:08

On this Christmas extravaganza, Rob Brydon is joined by an eclectic mix of guests. Comedian Noel Fielding, Girls Aloud star Sarah Harding, Kiwi comedian and star of Flight of the Conchords, Rhys Darby, and Shooting Stars's very own Angelos Epithemiou come over for egg nog and festive cheer.

There is also music from Alejandro Toledo and the Magic Tombolinos and stand-up comedy from Charlie Baker, winner of Lets Dance for Comic Relief 2011.


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