Christmas Special 2011 The Rob Brydon Show


Christmas Special 2011

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Transcript


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Cheesy snacks... Got the nuts, got the crisps.

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Oh, I hope people turn up.

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FRENETIC MUSIC

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you, guys.

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Hello! Hello.

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No, stop...

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That's enough. I don't know if I've got enough to go round.

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Come on now. Come on. Have these. Pass them around.

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There we are. They're not all for you, love. Look at that.

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-A lovely fancy dress audience.

-AUDIENCE CHEER

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Yes!

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I love it. YOU could have made more of an effort. Stick that on.

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Look at this couple here. It's like WWII all over again.

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Look at that. ..Same to you, you cheeky bugger!

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Now there are two people who are very much in fancy dress.

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Just look up there. There's a nurse. I'm going to say it - a sexy nurse.

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-It's Zoe and Rich, isn't it?

-Yeah.

-Now those costumes have significance for you, don't they?

-They do.

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We met at a fantasy sex... uh, fancy dress party!

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-So you're not a real nurse, then?

-No, I'm not.

-We have real nurses.

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-We have some from Maidstone. Where are the Maidstone...? Now is that Nikki on the end?

-It is.

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-Hello, Nikki.

-Hello.

-Hello.

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-A little bird told me there's somebody you have a crush on.

-I don't know who that would be.

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-You're a bit older than me, though.

-What did you say? WHAT did you say?

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-You're slightly older than me.

-Slightly older?!

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How dare...?! Look what you've done to my voice!

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-Now you've had to work over Christmas, I suppose.

-Yep.

-At which hospital in Maidstone?

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Maidstone.

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No, don't applaud that. No, no.

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My house band for this evening is the fantastic Alejandro and the Magic Tombolinos.

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Excellent stuff. Now then...

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-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh! Just on cue.

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It's my first guest.

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Who can it be?

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LIVELY MUSIC

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CHEERING

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Noel Fielding!

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Wow! What a crowd!

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-Hello!

-Ohh.

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Noel Fielding!

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CHEERING CONTINUES

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Now...

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-That's a hell of a welcome, isn't it?

-Look at that crowd!

-Well...

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-To you, they're just dressed normally.

-It's the Guess Who board. I'm loving it.

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Wow, there's some freaks in. LAUGHTER

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-I'll get straight to the point. This is what you'd wear normally. You haven't come in fancy dress.

-No.

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I've just come from work, actually! I just thought I'd...

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-I'm trying to make my hair and coat sort of join.

-So we don't know where one ends and one begins?

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Like a sort of Camden owl. LAUGHTER

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Now then, where does your style come from?

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-Em...

-And this sounds rude, but were you always like this?

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-I guess so. My mum's quite stylish.

-Yeah.

-My dad used to be. In the '70s, he'd wear mental clothes.

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Like yellow flares and tops with stars on them,

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-then he went quite straight in the '80s.

-You had young parents. Your mum was 18?

-Yeah, really young.

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So they were really cool and dressed like they were in Black Sabbath.

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Then all of a sudden in the '80s my dad got quite square.

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"That's enough of yellow flares. I'll just wear a shirt and some leisure trousers."

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He just stopped, but my mum carried on.

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-Where was this?

-In South London. What was hilarious was they had this three-wheeler car

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called a Bomb Bug. An orange thing and the roof went up like that.

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So not only did they wear yellow flares and had a three-wheeled orange triangle car...

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-I was just a laughing stock!

-It sounds like you grew up in a cartoon, didn't you?

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It was a bit like Roobarb and Custard, yeah. It sort of wobbled as well.

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They'd come in their triangle car. HUMS "Roobarb" THEME

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You have had a reputation as what I would call a party animal.

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-Is that fair?

-I do like a party, yeah. Who doesn't?

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I've seen you photographed out and about on the Camden scene,

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-staying up beyond midnight. Is this true?

-Ten past one.

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-That's my record.

-Don't you feel terrible the next day?

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Yeah.

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You mean the day after the next day. The next day you're still up.

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CHEERING You feel good the next day.

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Well, what...what would a typical evening involve if I came along with you?

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If I rang and said, "Noel..." You pick it up by mistake.

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"It's Rob. Hi. You came on my show.

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"You said we could go out to Camden together. It's half six now. Em...

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"I've left it a bit late. I've just had my dinner.

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-"Where shall we meet?" Where would we meet?

-I don't know... LAUGHTER

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In a forest. I'd send someone out for you.

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Now your new show is even weirder than the Boosh.

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-Yeah.

-It really is.

-In a way.

-Oh, in every way.

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I wanted a slightly different image so I thought maybe Bollywood Elvis would be good. I'd get a butler,

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but he can be an anteater and... my best friend's got four arms.

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Is it the next step from the Boosh, would you say?

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I think for me. Julian wanted to go off and do some straight theatre and explore that.

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I wanted to get hold of the animation side of it. We'd the Moon and the 2D animation in the Boosh

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and I wanted to see how far you could take that.

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So the guy that I work with did the Moon and animation in the Boosh. And I met him at art school.

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-The brief was to try to make the most psychedelic, weirdest show ever.

-You've fulfilled your brief.

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-DOORBELL

-Oh! Noel, Noel...

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It's Noel's House Party!

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I wonder who THIS could be.

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CHEERING

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Hello!

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Look at you! Hello. ..Sarah Harding!

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Look at you.

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Hi.

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-Look at this. You two know each other, I assume?

-Yeah, well, kind of.

-Yeah.

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-What does that mean?

-We're passing ships. We've met a few times.

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-You were on tour somewhere and we...

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

-And one time I don't remember.

-No, I don't.

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-Yeah.

-It was a crazy night. LAUGHTER

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-Ten past one, Rob!

-I've had similar experiences with Ronnie Corbett

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where the two of us are smashed off our tits.

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Literally no memory of what time we left the golf club.

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So it seems silly to ask you if you're a party girl. Don't you try to deny it!

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-Slightly retired. I'm a country bumpkin now.

-You moved to the country. Is that a real thing?

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It's not like a stage! It's real.

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-I've got a veggie patch and everything.

-A veggie patch?

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-It's not a euphemism, Noel. So you're out in the country and you're acting more now.

-I am.

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-Is that as big a thing as the music?

-I think music's my first love.

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I couldn't ever not do music. But acting, yeah, totally. Love it.

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I nearly wanted you. We had you in the top three for St Trinian's with Ricky from Kaiser Chiefs.

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-Did he do it in the end?

-Yeah. You weren't available.

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LAUGHTER

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-Cheers(!)

-That was a narrow miss.

-Yeah.

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-What did you do before you became fabulous? You were a beautician?

-I was a beauty school dropout.

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Oh, lovely. From Grease. Now you're getting down to my level.

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So that means you can look at people and make judgments.

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-Be very honest.

-OK.

-Noel Fielding, Rob Brydon. Two out there guys.

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If you had to... Give me a minute. If you had to pick,

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if you had to single out one for being a little bit styly...

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Oh, I don't know. It depends whether I like smart guys or Camden guys.

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-Suddenly there's a rivalry between us.

-I like a bit of both.

-Do you?

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-Oh...!

-LAUGHTER

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-Did I? I wasn't, was I?

-I just didn't imagine I'd be having a threesome with Rob Brydon.

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-Of all the people!

-Please don't say it like it was a terrible thought.

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That superinjunction cost a lot of money.

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DOORBELL

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LAUGHTER

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It's Rhys Darby!

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Welcome. Wow!

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-Rhys Darby, ladies and gentlemen. Have a seat.

-Hi! How are you?

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Rhys Darby from Flight of the Conchords. Now then, everybody tonight has come dressed up

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because it's party time. Are you a big partygoer?

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Oh, I'm king of the parties.

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-Really?

-Not really.

-LAUGHTER

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Did you used to go...? Do you remember at the school disco at the end of the night,

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all having a great time, and then they'd play Happy Christmas (War Is Over)?

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# So this is Christmas... # And that was when all your mates would pair off with girls

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and I would be stood at the edge of the dance floor with my nose pressed against the window pane.

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A metaphorical window pane. Or were you one of the boys who managed to nab a girl

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-for that important last dance/snog?

-Well, I'll admit

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I'm a keen dancer.

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And...and what I lacked in the initial, social, conversational period

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I would more than make up for once the song's come on. I really clear my own space.

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You can ask anyone

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and I am probably the hottest dancer that I know.

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Well, Rhys, I mean, we have a band.

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We have a rug.

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-What a Christmas treat...

-What a treat!

-..if you would bust some moves

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-to give us a...

-CHEERING

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-I mean, guys, anything. What tempo would suit you, Rhys?

-You want upbeat.

-They can do upbeat.

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They do nuclear.

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-They go very fast.

-Have you got any Jive Bunny and the mastermixes?

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-There he goes.

-FRANTIC MUSIC PLAYS

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Wow!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Thank you!

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Are you on medication?

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-LAUGHTER

-No.

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Everybody loves Flight of the Conchords and I loved Murray.

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-Your character was sublime. Will we see more of him?

-Well...

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I would love to say yes and I certainly can't say no. I'd hate to think he wouldn't be done again.

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Was it something that the boys...? Do you need half an hour to catch your breath?

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Well, you saw what I just did! I did that and then straight away with another question!

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"Tell us about your mother."

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-All right.

-The Conchords, it started off for most audiences here as a radio show.

-Yeah.

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Then it became the TV show for HBO and that took you to Hollywood.

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-Yeah.

-How did that come about?

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We did the Conchords on HBO,

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so even that was very popular.

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It was on a cable channel, so there were so many millions of people that never saw it,

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but of course, when it came out on DVD, a lot of people saw it after that.

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-On the one DVD?

-There's two DVDs now.

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-You pass the DVDs around?

-We pass them round.

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Yeah.

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So all the cast and crew saw it.

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And then word got out, you see.

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It was big in the comedy circles. You're familiar with those circles.

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Yes, I am. We're going to talk more in a little minute,

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but just sit back and relax now and please welcome the very, very funny Charlie Baker!

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APPLAUSE

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Hello!

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That's very nice of you. That's enough. I might be rubbish!

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Hello, I'm Charlie Baker. I'm waiting for Jack Black to die.

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LAUGHTER

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I've only ever met a couple of very famous people.

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Jay-Z, Jay-Z, the world's biggest rapper, Jay-Z.

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I don't know about you, but if I see someone famous, I have a little voic in the back of my head

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that goes, "There's Jay-Z there.

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"There's Jay-Z, the world's biggest rapper. There he is.

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"Go and speak to Jay-Z. Go on.

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"Say something to him. Show him your cardigan. Do something."

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I've got to say something to Jay-Z, so I said this, ladies and gentlemen

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I said this to the world's biggest rapper. "Jay-Z!"

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LAUGHTER

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I went for a high five with the world's biggest rapper. I'm thinking "You look a right knob now!

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"You look an absolute penis here! He's not going to give you a high five."

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But he did. He gave me the high five Bang, yeah, pretty good!

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APPLAUSE Come here. Come here.

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Come here, look.

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Whoa! Feel pretty good now, don't you?

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It's in a sort of six degrees of separation way, right?

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You have just touched the hand that's touched the hand

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that has touched Beyonce's knockers.

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Yeah, pretty good, eh? Have another go. Go on, go on.

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Get lost, she's not a slag. She's not a slag.

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If you liked it, you should've put a ring on it. It's your own fault.

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I've been in pantomime, but the one thing I did learn, and I'm going to teach you tonight,

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is the three secret moves.

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There's three secret dance moves. They're brilliant.

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You'll go to any panto this Christmas or any am-dram show and you'll see these three moves.

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Here's the first move you require if you want to be in any amateur dramatics dance show - the side sway

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LAUGHTER

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The second one is a bit more difficult. It's the box step.

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LAUGHTER

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And the third one is my own personal favourite - the knee bounce.

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LAUGHTER

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APPLAUSE

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The reason they use these moves is because they work for any show tune at all.

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What was that? Luck Be A Lady, a bit of Guys And Dolls.

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# Luck be a lady tonight

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# Luck be a lady tonight

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# Luck if you've ever been a lady to begin with

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# Luck be a lady tonight... # APPLAUSE

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A bit of Oklahoma! Here we go.

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A bit of Rodgers and Hammerstein.

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# Oh, what a beautiful morning

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# Oh, what a beautiful day

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# I got a beautiful feeling

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# Everything's going my... #

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What's that? Christmas. Here we go.

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# Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way

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# Oh, what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open sleigh... #

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It's a bit camp, that one.

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Have a happy Christmas. I'm Charlie Baker. Good night! Thank you very much!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Charlie Baker! Thanks, Charlie.

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Now then, Rhys, do they have Christmas in New Zealand?

0:18:480:18:53

-We do.

-Yeah?

-We do, of course.

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-Big Christmas, family?

-Yes, of course. It's like it is here.

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It's... It's very confusing in New Zealand on that side of the world because it's summer.

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-Yes.

-As you can imagine, it's the opposite of what's going on here.

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It's the opposite of winter, isn't it?

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-Yes.

-LAUGHTER

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And yet our culture is the same, so we get all the same Christmas songs

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and all the same sort of festive affair that you have here with the snow.

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-Which makes it even more confusing.

-Exactly.

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So we have people that spray fake snow on all the windows

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and it's a bit sad.

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You have your own children now. Two, is that right?

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Do you put out a little carrot for the reindeer?

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-Well, yes.

-I do that as well.

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We had to move houses because our first house didn't have any chimney

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and so the younger son Finn who was four at the time said, "Santa can't get here."

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So we had to shift.

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He's one of these kids that says, "There's no logical way Santa could get in here

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"and I'm going to miss out."

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We said, "He comes through the door of houses that don't have chimneys." "No, he doesn't."

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So we had to actually shift which was a shame because we had a great house.

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Now we've got a much smaller house, but it's got a massive chimney.

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He gets loads of presents, so he's happy.

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What people may not know about you, I was amazed to find out, is that you were in the New Zealand Army.

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Oh!

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APPLAUSE

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They don't believe it.

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What is the purpose of the New Zealand Army? Are you keeping Australia at bay?

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-What does it do?

-It's a small army, but we do the same thing every army does, except, I guess...

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Look, when I was in there, there was a lot of rescuing sheep, to be honest.

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LAUGHTER

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We didn't fight in any conflicts in the last ten years.

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What was your role? Infantryman, paratrooper?

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Oh, no, I was a signaller.

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A signaller? So...beep-beep-beep.

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-Yes, Morse Code.

-Beep-beep-beep, beep-beep-beep.

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Oh, thanks very much(!) That's a bit rude!

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Doo-doo, doo-doo-doo, dee-dee, doo-doo-doo-doo!

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APPLAUSE

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DOORBELL

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LIVELY FOLK MUSIC

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APPLAUSE

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It's Angelos Epithemiou!

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Welcome. How are you? All right, come on in.

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Come on in. Thank you very much.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Angelos, please, have a seat.

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I will sit here, but I am not supposed to be anywhere near this woman.

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-Why?

-I've taken out a restraining order on her because she will not leave me alone.

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-What are you talking about?

-It's phone calls, it's faxes, it's emails.

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You have got to get it in your head it is never going to happen!

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APPLAUSE

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If she promises not to bother you, will you join us?

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-Don't touch me!

-I won't.

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Now, I have to ask you... Sarah, Sarah... Let's not involve the authorities.

0:22:350:22:40

-You're winding me up. Whoa!

-The first thing I have to ask you is what's in your bag?

0:22:400:22:47

Well, in the bag tonight, I've got all sorts of rubbish.

0:22:470:22:51

I've got... I've got this

0:22:510:22:54

which is me.

0:22:540:22:56

-So you don't get recognised?

-I just bung it on people's faces like that,

0:22:560:23:00

then I've got some idea of what it's like to talk to me.

0:23:000:23:04

LAUGHTER It's good fun.

0:23:040:23:07

Now then, I know you through Vic and Bob.

0:23:090:23:12

-Yes.

-How are they?

0:23:120:23:14

I don't know. I don't see them.

0:23:140:23:17

We do not socialise outside of the show

0:23:170:23:21

because I have not forgiven them for tricking me into doing it in the first place.

0:23:210:23:27

How have you been celebrating Christmas? What would be a typical Christmas for you?

0:23:280:23:33

I would celebrate Christmas usually with me family.

0:23:330:23:37

With me mum and me dad and me four brothers -

0:23:370:23:40

Agatheus, Agamemnon, Apostolos and Algerius, right?

0:23:400:23:44

We'd go round the house and celebrate it there, but I haven' heard from them since September,

0:23:460:23:51

so I don't know what's happening this year. I think they'll call me.

0:23:510:23:56

I have been round to their house and it's all boarded up, so I don't know what's going on.

0:23:560:24:01

But they'll ring me in due course to let me know the festivity arrangements.

0:24:010:24:06

-I look forward to it as well.

-Did...

-Hold on a second. A question from Sarah.

0:24:060:24:11

-You can come to mine if you want.

-Hmm?

-Come to mine if you want.

0:24:110:24:15

This is exactly what I'm talking about!

0:24:150:24:18

Will you leave it alone?

0:24:210:24:23

-I'm only being polite.

-We had that one night in the Holiday Inn.

-Yes.

0:24:230:24:29

And we both agreed you was rubbish.

0:24:290:24:31

You didn't know what you were doing, fumbling around,

0:24:310:24:36

so from now on, it's just a "no"!

0:24:360:24:39

You've got to be brutal because she'll only, backstage, flash me her bits and I don't want to see it.

0:24:390:24:44

It's Christmas. Everybody's in the party spirit.

0:24:440:24:48

Are you a party man yourself?

0:24:480:24:50

Yeah, big time, big time,

0:24:500:24:54

because people want me to come to their parties all the time.

0:24:540:24:58

They look at me and they go, "Yeah, I like the look of him."

0:24:580:25:02

Oh, yes, yes. But what's going on upstairs?

0:25:020:25:06

That's what they want to know and there's a lot going on up there.

0:25:060:25:11

I like to talk about things like music

0:25:110:25:14

and other stuff and politics and all that sort of stuff.

0:25:140:25:19

You'd be in the kitchen in the party, not cutting a rug like Rhys?

0:25:190:25:23

No, I'd just be in the kitchen having a chat and all that sort of carry-on and holding court.

0:25:230:25:30

-That's what I'd be doing.

-And no sor of music would tempt you out?

0:25:300:25:34

-Not at all.

-Not even if it was Tiger Feet by Mud?

0:25:340:25:38

Well, that would tempt me out, yes.

0:25:380:25:40

Or Fox On The Run by Sweet or anything from the '60s or 'the 70s.

0:25:400:25:45

Pretty much anything I'll go and dance to, actually.

0:25:450:25:48

I hate being in the kitchen at parties. I'm no good at it.

0:25:480:25:53

Do any of you have party tricks that you do?

0:25:530:25:56

Any little things that you can sort of just...? Yes, yes, Rhys?

0:25:560:26:01

Take that. Listen to this.

0:26:010:26:04

Two, two, testing.

0:26:040:26:07

That's not it, is it?

0:26:070:26:09

What I'll do is I'll do...

0:26:090:26:11

For the festive season, I'll do the sound effects of Santa arriving

0:26:110:26:17

at the top of the house

0:26:170:26:20

and then coming down the chimney to put the presents under the tree.

0:26:200:26:25

Here he comes. Santa arriving, folks.

0:26:250:26:28

MAKES FAST GALLOPING SOUND

0:26:300:26:32

MAKES THUMPING SOUNDS

0:26:360:26:38

Ohh! Aagh!

0:26:430:26:45

COUGHS

0:26:480:26:50

Ho ho ho!

0:26:500:26:52

-APPLAUSE

-Very good.

0:26:520:26:55

That was... That was special.

0:26:580:27:01

So we're heading to a new year.

0:27:010:27:04

What does it hold for my guests tonight?

0:27:040:27:07

Rhys, where will you be? Which hemisphere will you be in?

0:27:070:27:11

-It's hard to say. You don't know what's round the next corner.

-More movies?

0:27:110:27:16

Yes, films, television, a book as well.

0:27:160:27:20

-Reading or writing?

-LAUGHTER

0:27:200:27:23

Yeah, uh, reading.

0:27:240:27:26

You're just planning to buy a book.

0:27:260:27:28

Well, we wish you luck with that.

0:27:280:27:32

-Angelos?

-I'm just going to put me feet up.

0:27:320:27:35

I've got about 70 episodes of Crimewatch to get through.

0:27:350:27:39

I've had them recorded since 1994 an you don't get the time to watch 'em.

0:27:390:27:43

You can't catch up cos they're always making new ones,

0:27:430:27:47

so I'm going to watch them

0:27:470:27:49

and I'll just be living off the profits of my DVD what is out now.

0:27:490:27:54

CHEERING

0:27:540:27:56

On that festive note, let me say a big thank you to all my guests tonight.

0:27:560:28:01

Thanks to everybody who has joined in our special festive party.

0:28:010:28:04

To finish, we shall have some music!

0:28:040:28:07

APPLAUSE

0:28:070:28:10

LIVELY FOLK MUSIC

0:28:160:28:18

CHEERING

0:28:190:28:20

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:28:580:29:01

Subtitles by Subtext for Red Bee Media Ltd 2011

0:29:010:29:06

Email [email protected]

0:29:060:29:08

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