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Now, on Top Gear...
It's all about value.
Don't act like you're not impressed!
-Rutledge finds the car bargain of the year.
I'm coming for you, Gramps!
And we race 500 miles up the California coast in cars we bought for 500.
Welcome to Top Gear. Today, we are all about cheap cars.
Now, what do you guys think the cheapest you can pay for a running car is?
AUDIENCE SHOUT NUMBERS
He said 1,500. You're the king of Craigslist.
What's the cheapest car you'd buy?
I bought a bunch for cheap, but they didn't run.
I mean, I'm talking about a car you would take across the country, like, trust on a road trip.
-Oh, bare minimum, probably a thousand bucks.
-A thousand bucks?
-Sounds about right.
Well, we wanted to see how low we could actually go,
so we decided to have a race.
500 miles in cars we spent no more than 500 on.
The cheapest brand-new car
you can buy in this country is around 11 grand,
and you can get a reliable used car for about 5,000 bucks.
But what happens if you have less than that to spend?
Can you still get a car that works?
To find out, we were each given 500 to buy a car,
and told to meet up in Santa Monica, California.
I used to flip cars in college,
and I've owned eight that cost less than 500 bucks,
and I know what you're looking for.
You want cheap, reliable and simple.
Enter the Ford Festiva.
1,800 lbs of honest reliability.
Now, it's got 227,000 miles on it, but it's got a new engine in it,
so I think it's ready to go another 200,000 miles.
It may look like a total piece of crap,
but it's actually a huge piece of crap.
-Don't act like you're not impressed.
-Oh, my God!
-What happened to this side?
-That is not the pretty side.
That's the 500 side, clearly!
This is a 190E, 1989, staple of the Mercedes line-up.
-This is back when they were really sweet.
-I can't believe it.
And you found yourself a Micro Machine with 12-inch wheels.
These are pretty different from what we usually choose. What's that say about Adam?
I think Adam's still going to go for an old piece of crap. Something big and old.
Better than you can even imagine. That is a taxi!
Just when you think he couldn't make any worse decisions,
he goes out and buys a taxi for 500!
-1994 Ford Crown Victoria. The workhorse.
Look inside of this thing. Look at it!
I can't believe you kept the little bacteria sponge
on the steering wheel, for one.
Look at the back seat.
People have had sex in this car, they have thrown up in this car.
-How does it smell, Rutledge?
-What's the huge stain?
Look, he's got the nose of a German Shepherd. What is it like in there?
This car carries humans, humans have fluids, sometimes they get out. No big deal.
How many miles are on this thing?
You know how many times around the earth that is?
OK, gentlemen. Let's see what we're doing with these hot rods.
"The true test of your 500 cars is to race them
"500 miles to Twin Peaks in San Francisco."
"But first, cars this cheap are unreliable, and sometimes need help.
"So, to see who chose the best cheap car,
"you'll race 100 yards across this parking lot...
-"..pushing your cars."
-First to the other end wins.
-Oh, this is going to be fun!
-First one to the black line, right there.
-OK. Who's going to call it?
-Have you guys looked at the beach here?
-Yeah, it's nice.
Ready, set, go!
You're already cheating!
Oh, this is great.
-Adam, how's it going back there?
Just going for a little jog, fellas. Don't mind me.
Adam, you're going to hit me!
I think you helped me, Adam. Thank you.
The Festiva roars ahead.
Hey, hey, look out! Don't...
-Not cool, man!
-Oh, sorry, I hit you.
-I beat you!
-I think he's driving it.
-Seems like he's cheating.
-You won. You happy?
-It's like "Everybody gets a trophy", so he won.
-Oh, that's nice(!)
-Good job. We're going 500 miles.
Get on the road, boys. Let's go. Mount up.
Follow this winner of a car!
'Rutledge may have won the first challenge,
'but the race to San Francisco had just begun.
'The first leg of the race would be from Santa Monica to Santa Barbara,
'then through Santa Cruz to the finish in San Francisco.
'The car that made it to Twin Peaks first would win.
'This route required our cars
'to withstand long stretches of highway,
'elevation changes and stop-and-go traffic -
'the worst possible conditions for cheap cars.
'And Tanner's Mercedes was not off to a good start.'
Come on. Come on, don't go out this way.
'I, on the other hand, was loving my ride'.
There's something great about owning a 500 car.
You don't have to worry about payments, the insurance is low,
you don't care about dings or dents, you don't have to worry where you park it,
you never have to wash it, and if it breaks down,
that's where you leave it... and call a cab.
That's kind of ironic.
Taxi cabs and law enforcement agencies love Crown Vics
because they're tough and easy to fix.
LA Police Department even has a frame straightener.
They go out and mangle these things up, bring them back to headquarters,
straighten out the frames and send them out again.
So, how does my survivor drive? I'll be honest with you,
the suspension isn't tired, it's exhausted.
There's a several minute delay between steering input
and actual turning.
Look at this. I'm still going straight.
What do you want for 500 bucks?
And Tanner shows up in that Mercedes,
he looks like an ambassador for a sad, broke-ass country.
You got it. You can do it, you can do it. Yes!
'My Mercedes finally came to life, and now I was in last place,
'but that would be no problem for the Merc.
'She may not be as pretty as she once was,
'but at least she wasn't ridiculous, like Rutledge's little toy car.'
It's funny, if you look at cars throughout history,
there are a few that are really iconic,
and they keep being made for years and years afterwards,
like the original Volkswagen Beetle was made up until
the late 2000s in Mexico, or the Volkswagen Rabbit,
the first one, was still being made in South Africa, and other places.
This car is still being produced in Iran.
Still being produced.
The reason this car is going to make it the 500 miles is simple -
it's the best car here.
There's not a whole lot to this car,
but there's not a whole lot that can go wrong.
Keep gas in it, don't overheat it, change the oil.
The Ford Festiva.
'The best thing about my Festiva was that it was beating Tanner's Benz.'
There are two things you never want to touch
with your bare hands - the steering wheel in a 500 car,
and the remote control in a cheap hotel. I'm just saying.
The advantage of buying a 500 car with leather, or even vinyl,
is that you can clean it.
The surface is made to repel bacteria.
It's leather, it's the skin of a beast.
-OK, that is some serious vibration, right there.
Let's just hope we can go 500 miles.
'My Mercedes might not have gotten off to the best start,
'but for 500, she was doing great,
'and it didn't take me long to catch up.'
-How are those bumps, Rutledge?
Totally fine, not checking my fillings right now at all.
'We were surrounded by gorgeous scenery,
'driving on one of the most beautiful stretches of road in the world.
'Perfect for luxurious sports cars - and there WE were!'
There's one thing I have plenty of in here, it's dog hair!
Oh, my God, that's gross.
It's not much to look at, and it's obviously in some real disrepair.
The AC, not even remotely cold. It doesn't go very fast.
There's stains all over the seats and the floor.
The steering wheel smells terrible.
'But, as bad as my car was, it was still better than the other cars.'
It doesn't have nearly a half a million miles on it,
that were driven by cabbies and police officers.
It hasn't been waiting to be crushed in a junkyard,
like Tanner's Mercedes.
-Oh, my gosh.
It's a perfect cherry of a Ford Festiva.
'I was living my biggest nightmare - gorgeous winding roads ahead of me,
'but stuck for miles in a no-passing zone behind the Crown Vic
'and Rutledge's little toy. Both going way under the speed limit.
'As soon as I saw an opening to pass them, I took it.'
All right, finally getting to open the Mercedes up. 60, 65, 70.
'Oh, you know you're jealous!' Yeah! It's fast.
'Battered, bruised and wheezy as the Merc was,
'it still had some power left, and I took the lead,
'and won the first leg of the race to Santa Barbara.'
-What are we doing here?
-Well, we've got these, and this.
OK, looks uncomfortable.
"A cheap car is only good as long as you can hold onto it.
"To see which of you chose the most secure vehicle,
"you will now attempt to break into each other's cars.
-"Whoever can break in first wins."
-I'll take the Festiva.
I'll take the taxi.
-That gives me that.
-All right, here we go.
-Start right now?
You know how I know I'm going to win? Nobody would feel the need
to design any kind of anti-theft device for this.
'Rutledge's car would be no problem to break into.
'It's pretty much made completely out of plastic.
'The taxi looks a bit tougher, but Adam would have the hardest time
with my German engineered Mercedes.'
-I've got to get this down in there.
-There it is. Oh, I pushed it down.
-Oh, I'm so close.
-Come on. Come on, get in there.
Oh, oh, I've got movement.
And then at some point you just get frustrated,
and you just sort of shake it around.
Enough of this.
Look at that, look at that, come on.
Breaking into a car, with a coat hanger...
-Adam, I'm about to unlock the chamber of death, here.
-Are you really that close?
-Yes, I got the pin wiggling.
-What's wrong with you?
-That doesn't seem fair at all.
-No way, that doesn't count.
What, are you playing for second place? Come on, let's go.
-Come on, come on.
-Great, you got second place. Wonderful.
That's not second place, you broke the window on my car.
-Yeah, I win, let's go.
-Are you kidding me?
-That does not count.
-You can't just break the window.
-Course it counts. I got in. It said we had to get in.
Such a New Yorker.
How could you do that to my car?
Look, a challenge is a challenge, I got into the car, I win.
How is it you have moved from destroying your own cars to
now destroying other people's cars?
I was given a challenge, and I chose a method, and it worked.
Like when you jumped the Coupe de Ville, you chose to bend it into a banana.
I chose to jump it. The Caddie bent itself when it landed.
You killed it.
It turns out you're not the only one who's into killing off old Caddies...
..GM is, too.
'In 1999, with the brand dying off - like most of its buyers -
'Cadillac announced the new "art and science" philosophy.
'A plan to get back to their roots, with cutting-edge design
'and high-end technology.
'Now, they didn't even have a car for it yet, just an attitude,'
but it was a good attitude.
'And this new approach puts Cadillac performance right up there
'with exotics like Ferrari.
'So, could a 60,000 Cadillac beat a 200,000 Ferrari in a drag race?
'There's only one way to find out.
'But, first, I would need to check out Cadillac's new beast.'
Now, this is a Cadillac you'd want to drive.
Old men riding around with your blinker on for miles, watch out.
I'm coming for you, gramps.
This is a 2011 Cadillac CTS-V.
It's got a Corvette engine in it, but not just any Corvette,
the daddy of them all - the ZR1.
It's got 556 supercharged horsepower under the hood.
It will do 0-60 in four seconds.
It's got a top speed of 175 mph.
How did this happen? How did Cadillac become cool again?
Cadillac's history is a lot like John Travolta's -
it was really cool at first, and then all of a sudden,
it became seriously uncool.
And then, bang, it was cool again.
I mean, this car, this is Cadillac's Pulp Fiction.
So, they took out a sheet of paper, and to me
it looks like they didn't draw anything on it, they just folded it.
There's curves, but they're all caught on the sharp edges and creases.
This new look, this is what sets Cadillac apart, the CTS,
the XLR, even the Escalade SUV.
And you know what? It looks fantastic.
'And it wasn't all design. The new Cadillacs would have
'something else to set them apart - performance.'
And it's got a manual six speed gearbox, standard.
You don't normally associate Cadillac with manual transmission,
but in this one, it makes perfect sense.
You can smoke the tires at 100 mph.
This is American bad ass, wrapped in Hugo Boss,
it's like John Wayne in a Tommy Hilfiger sweater.
Wow, you shouldn't be able to do this in a Cadillac!
There are some things about this car that I really like.
When you first get in the car, you notice the beautiful interior.
There's suede everywhere, there's nice leather stitching,
and then you look up -
and see the same headliner that's in a Chevy truck.
Why does GM do that?
They get so close to making a perfect car,
and then at the last minute, "Oh, just whatever.
"I don't care, no one's going to look up."
And one thing I don't like in here is the door handles on the CTS-V.
To get out, it's a strange video game door popper,
just like they have on the Corvette, and I don't like them there either!
What's wrong, they call it a door handle? HANDLE.
Not door button.
'But it's remarkable that you can get this much car for just 60,000,
'and it gets even better.
'For 2011, the CTS-V is available in three body styles,
'all with manual transmission,
'and monster supercharged engine.
'The Sudan will put you in the same league
'as the BMW M5 or the Mercedes E63 AMG.
'And the CTS-V wagon?
'Well, this just might be the world's first wagon supercar.'
The wagon? The fastest production wagon in the universe!
Wow, this car is amazing!
If it's not obvious by now, I am a wagon man.
There something about a wagon, to me,
that screams, "I'm ready for anything."
And this is the perfect kind of wagon that I'd want.
Can you imagine going shopping in a wagon with over 500 horsepower?
You could do a burnout all the way home from the mall,
while your kids are in the back screaming. That's awesome.
'Cadillac has developed an incredible new line of high-performance vehicles.
'I can understand why some, mainly old, people,
'might think the CTS-Vs are too much of a departure from the old Caddies,
'but I think they can be convinced.'
Driving Miss Ferrara. Can I get your bags for you, sir?
-No problem, I have people for that.
-What in the world is this?
This is a statement, my friend.
1957 Eldorado Biarritz, that's when a Cadillac was a Cadillac.
No way. This is the new Cadillac. The 2011 CTS-V.
-You can get a two-door, a four-door, or a wagon.
-Backup, backup. Wagon.
-How was the soccer game?
This says, "you've arrived,"
that says, "you've arrived from summer camp with the kids."
-What are you doing?
-They are the new Cadillac.
OK, I'll be honest with you. I been burned by Caddies before.
The last great Caddy for me was the '76 Coupe de Ville.
After that, Caddies got smaller, and just went right down the toilet.
'Adam wasn't convinced.
'So, I needed to resort to a simple demonstration,
'that even he might understand - a drag race.
'The 200,000 Ferrari California against the CTS-V...
'An American grocery-getter versus the world's most famous
'Italian performance brand.'
The Ferrari California isn't the fastest Ferrari
but it does zero to 60 in 3.8 seconds,
top speed of 193, let's do it.
OK, here we go. Three, two, one, go.
Oh, here we go.
This CTS-V Wagon is smoking him.
Oh, look at that, that got him. Woo.
The Wagon just beat a Ferrari. Which is a stupid fast car.
That means this is faster than stupid fast. This is F-you fast.
Driving those Cadillacs was a blast.
I bet, for once, you're jealous.
I was. That looked like a lot of fun.
But, really, Cadillac, an old-man brand
now saying they rival the fastest cars on the planet?
I'm not buying it.
See, that's it exactly why we gave the Coupe
and the Wagon to our anonymous racing driver The Stig
to put around our test track and see how fast they really are.
Now, The Stig drove the CTS-V Coupe earlier
and we'll show you that time in a minute.
But Rutledge insisted on showing The Stig driving the Wagon. Shocking.
Let's see how The Stig does.
Well, Rutledge may worship this as the ultimate Wagon
but at the hands of The Stig,
I think we'll see some chinks in the armour.
Strangely, very quick coming round the first turn
into the chicane.
I was expecting to see quite a bit more body roll.
Now, this is the true test,
out of the teardrop,
slowest section of the track, will it have wheels spin
or be efficiently putting the power to the ground?
I would say that is a no.
Wheels are blazing on the way out of the teardrop, but building
huge speed as it comes around the fastest, back straightaway.
Over 120 miles an hour we see on the speedometer. Very fast by the tyres.
Wow, amazing - beautiful little drift
as the car just seems to absorb the bumps mid-drift.
I'm really impressed with the way the suspension is working.
It's just getting around the track. It may not be the most sophisticated
but, as it comes through the last corner,
a bit of drift and across the line.
-That is the fastest wagon I have ever seen.
What do you guys think? Wagon faster than the Coupe?
-Coupe's faster than the wagon?
You'd think the Coupe has got to be faster than the Wagon.
The Coupe did it in a time of 1:27.4.
-That puts it ahead of a Mercedes SLS AMG.
-That's a quarter-million dollar car right there.
Their supercar just got beat by an American car.
-That can't be right.
-That feels good.
Now, if the Wagon was just even a second or two slower,
it still would be in respectable territory.
You've got the Lotus Evora down here, you've got the V12 Vantage.
The Wagon did it in a time of 1:27.2.
-Two tenths faster - faster! Faster than the Coupe.
That is unreal, especially for the money.
-I mean, these are both right around 60 grand. Wow.
And that's only slightly better value than our 500 cars.
'So far, our junkie jalopies had raced hundreds of miles
'up the California coast towards San Francisco.
'My Festiva was doing great.
'So, I hammered down and tried to pull ahead.'
Gas it, gas it!
My car smells like a pack of burning matches.
'Apparently, I didn't have the power I needed to make my move.
-'So, Adam was now in front.'
-I'm flying along at 65 miles an hour.
As long as I don't turn, I'm fine.
If Adam's life insurance carrier knew he was driving a retired taxi
with 400,000 miles on it, they would drop him like a bad habit.
'Tanner was going to have to get used to seeing my tail-lights.
'I was the first to arrive at our next stop in Santa Cruz...
'..where we received some unwelcome information about our cars.'
All right, fellas, pay attention.
"Buying cheap cars means buying a piece of history.
"Often one you would rather not sit in.
"Your cars were subject to forensic analysis."
-"Least contaminated car wins."
-Is that what these envelopes are?
-I think so.
I'll go first. I have total confidence in the Festiva.
Here we go.
"Hair of non-human origin,
"variable length and colour,
"found in large quantities.
"Visible under ultraviolet light,
"overlapping stain fields of organic origin,
"concentrations of ammonia
"and fructose consistent with urine and seminal fluid".
Wait, stain FIELDS?
There is dog breeding that goes on in that Festiva!
Fields of animal fluids in the back of that?
"Traces of faecal matter". Oh, that's so gross!
Well, could be worse.
Yeah, there could be human AND dog fluids in there.
Oh, like you should talk(!) What's yours say?
OK. "Present in both left and right rear footwells
"are dispersed areas of dried substance with concentrations of HCO,
"consistent with vomitus".
"UV analysis of the rear bench seat reveals bloodstains
"in the underlying foam, covering approximately
"one third of the seating area".
-You're bleeding to death!
Somebody could have died.
Someone could have had a baby in there. You don't know.
-Oh my gosh!
-If it's down in the foam, it got hosed!
Which means it's not on the cover any more, so it's fine.
All right, what have you got?
Mine's going to be boring.
This car's clean.
Yeah, it looks so tidy(!)
There's a few more sentences here than I would have expected, actually.
"Moderate quantities of nasal mucosa
"found on the steering wheel."
Anything that starts with "protein-rich",
I'm telling you is bad!
"Protein-rich substance found
"in crevices of driver seat cushion.
"High concentration of dead skin cells,
-"and presence of staphylococcus bacteria."
-Oh, no way!
Rear car has a Staph infection.
Drink orange juice, knock that out.
A Staph infection on the steering wheel!
I mean, I'm not like a hypochondriac...
You actually are!
-That is gross.
-Clearly, you lose.
-How did it get on the steering wheel?
-You'll probably die!
Look, I win.
-You do not win!
-Of course I win!
-You're soaked in blood!
Blood and puke, what do you expect?
We've got two words,
-That's what's happening now.
-20 minutes, we meet back here...
-Oh, my gosh!
..Make whatever "boundary layers" you want,
and then head up to San Francisco, all right?
All right, I'm starting to feel a little better.
Rut, you might want to get a flea collar!
-It's just TRACES of faecal matter.
-Oh, that's much better(!)
I thought there was a problem(!)
Now it's time for Big Star, Small Car,
where we put celebrities in our Suzuki SX4,
and send them round the test track to see who's got the fastest time.
Our celebrity today is Maroon 5's Adam Levine.
-How's it going, man?
-We're so excited you could be here!
I am very excited to be here.
We've had musicians do well here before.
Do you feel like you're going to the top of the board?
Do you think first or last?
Let's get you out there, man.
-Let's go for it. Hop on in.
-Let's do it.
We're going to clear the track. We'll meet you back at the hangar.
Go get them!
-Let's go, you guys!
look at that determination! Adam's off to a good start.
Catch in second.
What is up with this ..., man?
Coming up to turn one. Getting a little intense.
This is going to be all sound bites of me just cursing
cos I'm so pissed off! Damn it, dude!
It's easy to get flustered out there.
Suzuki does that to a lot of people.
All right, he's got some good speed out on the back stretch.
Looks good right there, nice and smooth.
A good speed, little understeer.
Does third gear exist?
I think it does. It's in between second and fourth.
Here it is, last turn...
and Adam is across the line.
-And he's still smiling.
Come on up!
Come on up!
Adam Levine, everybody!
How you doing, man? Nice work out there!
-You have a good time?
-I had a lot of fun.
Just hope that I'm not last!
You're a busy man, one of the judges on The Voice, great show.
You're in a HUGELY popular band, Maroon 5.
I want to know, how did you get into cars?
I've always enjoyed driving, you know.
I was born and raised in Los Angeles.
It's always a huge part of California culture, I think,
driving and enjoying your car.
It's kind of your sanctuary, it's your space, and I just love it.
-East Coast people don't understand...
They don't! They're like, "oh, subway, taxi..."
Your first car was what?
My first car was a 1971 Mach 1, Mustang Mach 1.
A Mach 1!
I didn't know anything - and still don't - about cars.
I thought it was a beautiful thing and loved it. I started getting into it. It snowballed out of control.
And now, here I am, racing Suzukis.
It's a natural progression, Mach 1 to Suzuki.
Did your car path help you with the ladies?
Not when I was driving my mum's...
awesome, bright red Jeep Cherokee to school.
-That didn't get me any dates with the ladies.
But I loved that car. That car's bad ass!
The coolest car I've owned, my dad gave me his.
-He had like an 86 Jimmy, JMC Jimmy.
It was black, and it had a red stripe on it.
Still the coolest car to this day.
-It just had a history to it.
And what was that beautiful car you drove in this morning?
-That was an Aston Martin, that was a DB9.
I love that car, man.
My buddies and I always take that car out to Vegas so we can drive quickly,
and I've been pulled over many, many times in that car!
I've been pulled over, actually, about six times in that car.
I've never gotten a ticket cos...
-How'd you do that?
-This is so stupid to do it on television. Uh...
Cos I got pulled over once on the way to Vegas.
I was probably going 95 miles an hour and in that car,
it just feels you're getting started, but clearly to...
There are laws against speeding.
So this cop pulled me over and he looked at me for a minute -
this is on the way to Vegas - he looked at me for a bit,
he goes, "Be right back." He goes to his car, comes back.
I'm thinking, "Great, I'm going to jail.
"Reckless driving, I'm dead. He's taking my car." I'm freaking out.
He just looked at me and goes, "I should arrest you,
"but my wife's a big fan, so..."
She'll kill me if I arrest you.
I was like, "Thank God for your wife, sir."
-LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE
-That is awesome!
So, Adam, how d'you think you did?
All right. Here's where I make excuses and bitch and moan about it
-but I'm going to do it, cos I think I should.
I didn't have the full amount of time.
-"I didn't have the total amount of time!"
-"I'm just... I'm very busy."
-I will stab you!
Bring it! Bring it! You went out there in the Suzuki.
-You felt good, though, right?
-I started feeling good.
I got some lessons and started learning
and just when I started getting comfortable, I have to leave.
You give me 30 minutes, I'll give you number one.
Wow! You guys want to see his time?
Here we go.
Adam Levine, you did it...
Right there. You're between two Pawn Stars.
-Oh, look at... Disappointment!
-Well, I mean...
I'm very proud of my very quick progress,
however, I am disappointed, cos I swear to you,
every one I've shaven whole seconds off,
so I could have gotten down there, man.
-There's no doubt in my mind.
-Right here, man!
-It's all there!
That's all you needed, right?
-Don't you play that
-violin for me!
-You guys, let's give Adam a hand. Come on!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
-Last question for you.
-Have you ever bought a car for 500 bucks?
-I've never paid 500 for a car.
-Yeah. And we're about to see why that's a good thing.
We're getting back to our 500 challenge.
'We'd just received the disgusting results of a forensic test
'on our cars.'
-Overlapping stain fields...
Urine and seminal fluid.
'So we decided to protect ourselves with whatever we could find.'
Hey?! You look ridiculous! What is that?
It's a protective suit. We're at the beach. It's the best I could find, man.
That's the dumbest thing I've ever seen.
I was wrong.
-Let's do this.
May not have thought this all the way through.
'We only had 73 miles to go to complete our 500-mile journey
'in our 500 cars, which had just been proven to be
To be honest, the forensic report didn't tell me anything I didn't already know.
There's blood and puke in a cab. You come to expect that.
So I bought the gloves so I don't have to touch anything.
I have the traditional beaded cabbie seat,
so I don't have to sit actually on the germ-infected...velour.
And, er... Ah!
Incense. To get rid of that kind of smell.
There we go.
After getting that report,
I really feel like I came up with a great solution.
I mean, I needed a barrier between me and all the nastiness and...
this vinyl seems to be doing the trick.
I'm noticing my peripheral is slightly distorted
with this costume.
As if you ever had peripheral vision!
You sound awesome!
I can't help but feel incredibly drowsy in this mask.
I'm just going to say that.
I'm totally falling asleep.
But I did feel quite a bit better, with the boundary layer.
The rubber gloves are probably the key,
because the hands are going to be...
scratching itches on the nose, rubbing the eyes, things like that.
As long as you get that boundary layer.
In fact, everybody should carry a boundary layer in their car.
Adam, which would you take?
A bath of pus and snot, or of blood and vomit?
Is it my pus and snot and my blood and vomit?
Sick people or healthy people?
and patrons of said taxi.
I'll take drunk vomit.
Do you guys ever listen to what you're saying?
Go on, baby, third gear! There it is!
How are you doing on power there, Rut?
Are you floored right now, going downhill 68 miles-an-hour?
Come on, Rut! Pick it up!
'Hey, Rut, your car is shedding!'
Sure, you might be disgusting to ride in,
and you're not much to look at, Festiva, but, damn it,
you're going to make it 500 miles!
'That is, as long as I didn't hit traffic.'
-This is going to get hairy as
Aw, something's burning on this thing.
It's starting to stall every time I stop.
I don't know if it's because it's gotten so warm?
The gauge doesn't say that it's warm but I can smell that it's warm.
Uh, airport, please.
Oh, oh. No way. Somebody just climbed in Adam's!
Uh, I'm not working.
Did that guy just try and get in your car as a taxi?
Does he know what he just sat in?
I don't think so, although he does appear to be scratching.
I could've made 45 bucks taking him to the airport.
I should have taken him.
'The deeper we got into the city,
'the more my Festiva began to struggle.'
So, my clutch is going, I've got valves tapping
and now my blinkers don't work.
HORN BEEPS REPEATEDLY
As you can probably tell, my horn won't stop honking.
Seriously, Rut, come on, enough with the horn.
It's not me, it's stuck!
'Rut's horn was broken, so we decided to help him fix it.'
Adam, you want to play Festiva tennis?
-I hate you guys.
Going for the volley.
Oh, green light, green light.
I hate you both...
so much right now.
I love your town.
HORN CONTINUES BEEPING
Yeah, I think my clutch just went.
See you later, alligator!
Son of a bitch!
Really? Come on!
TRAM HORN TOOTS
It's only 1,600 lb!
Remember the big victory dance when he won the push race?
Now he can do it uphill in an alligator suit.
I lost my tail, let me just get that.
All right, we've got some steep hills here.
-We better be getting to Twin Peaks soon.
-Hold on, baby.
Come on. We're almost there.
'The race was down to me and Tanner.
'He may be a professional driver, but my car had more power,
'and I was riding his tail like a real taxi driver.'
Downshift, baby, come on.
Oh, yeah, feel the power, feel the power.
Come on, come on.
Come on, come on, come on.
Almost there. Done, done, done!
No, no, no, no, keep going.
Help! No! Come on! Go, go, go, go, go.
Oh, "My Mercedes is the taxi of the world. This is German engineering."
And that Festiva, a rolling pet shop, burns out its clutch.
But the Crown Victoria with 426,000 miles
has gone another 500 miles.
At 35 cents a mile!
Yes! Yes! We did it! Tanner!
Tanner! I guess you know, I won!
For 45 bucks, I could take you to the airport!
45 bucks seems a little bit steep.
In a Crown Vic!
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
Ladies and gentlemen, the Crown Victoria.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE
I've got to give it up, that car is really something.
Especially when you consider all the extras that came for free.
-The blood and the urine.
Oh, and the victory.
You know, the real victory here is that for once
we found a car that you can't kill in a show.
Let's hear it for Adam, he had a car last a whole show!
I think the real lesson here is that you should drive
a Crown Victoria every day.
OK, and then you drive this pet wagon every day.
I think just standing next to this car is taking years off our life.
We have got to get out of here.
That's our show, thanks for watching, everybody.
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd