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Hello and welcome to a Top Gear special. | 0:00:22 | 0:00:24 | |
You join us in Downing Street for a very good reason. | 0:00:24 | 0:00:28 | |
You see, shortly after coming into power, Mr Cameron | 0:00:28 | 0:00:31 | |
noticed that Britain was, in essence, bankrupt, | 0:00:31 | 0:00:33 | |
and that to solve the problem | 0:00:33 | 0:00:35 | |
we needed to do more business with India. | 0:00:35 | 0:00:38 | |
He has a point, because it turns out we sell more to Ireland, | 0:00:38 | 0:00:42 | |
that has a population of 4.5 million than we do to India, | 0:00:42 | 0:00:45 | |
that has a population of 1,000 million. | 0:00:45 | 0:00:47 | |
It's actually even worse than that. | 0:00:47 | 0:00:49 | |
It turns out that we sell even less to India than the Belgians do. | 0:00:49 | 0:00:53 | |
So, we contacted Downing Street and offered to go over to India | 0:00:53 | 0:00:57 | |
and run a trade mission on the nation's behalf. | 0:00:57 | 0:01:00 | |
I have here a personal letter reply to us from David Cameron himself. | 0:01:00 | 0:01:05 | |
"Dear Top Gear, thank you for your letter. | 0:01:05 | 0:01:07 | |
"Whilst it's true I'm keen on us to build on our ties out there, | 0:01:07 | 0:01:12 | |
"sending you three is not quite what I had in mind. | 0:01:12 | 0:01:16 | |
"The Foreign Secretary did wonder instead about a fencemending trip to Mexico. | 0:01:16 | 0:01:20 | |
"Basically, my message is this - | 0:01:20 | 0:01:23 | |
"you do the cars, we'll do the diplomacy." | 0:01:23 | 0:01:25 | |
Oh, here he comes now. | 0:01:25 | 0:01:28 | |
Stay away from India. | 0:01:31 | 0:01:34 | |
Well, that was unequivocal. | 0:01:37 | 0:01:38 | |
Well, we're going to ignore the Prime Minister. | 0:01:38 | 0:01:41 | |
What we're going to do instead is to buy three second-hand British | 0:01:41 | 0:01:44 | |
cars, and then to head over there with a very simple objective - | 0:01:44 | 0:01:47 | |
to rescue Britain. | 0:01:47 | 0:01:50 | |
'The start point for our trade mission was Bombay. | 0:02:01 | 0:02:03 | |
CAR HORNS BLARE | 0:02:03 | 0:02:05 | |
'A vibrant, teeming mass of 20 million potential customers.' | 0:02:05 | 0:02:09 | |
I am the first to arrive, and as you possibly wouldn't expect | 0:02:16 | 0:02:19 | |
I don't appear to have done this quite right. | 0:02:19 | 0:02:22 | |
This is a Series-1 Rolls-Royce Silver Shadow from 1976. | 0:02:22 | 0:02:25 | |
Some of you will be saying, "You should have brought a modern Rolls-Royce." | 0:02:25 | 0:02:29 | |
There's two reasons why I couldn't - | 0:02:29 | 0:02:32 | |
firstly, I had a budget of just £7,000. | 0:02:32 | 0:02:35 | |
Secondly, a modern Rolls-Royce is of course a German car, | 0:02:35 | 0:02:38 | |
whereas this one was hand-wrought in Crewe in a factory that used | 0:02:38 | 0:02:42 | |
to make Merlin engines for Spitfires out of the finest | 0:02:42 | 0:02:45 | |
British car-making materials. | 0:02:45 | 0:02:47 | |
It is her Majesty the Queen, with a tax disc, and lovely carpet. | 0:02:47 | 0:02:52 | |
-'At this point Jeremy arrived...' -Behold. | 0:02:53 | 0:02:56 | |
'..in easily the most inappropriate car it is possible to imagine.' | 0:02:56 | 0:03:00 | |
-You stupid man. -What's wrong with it? | 0:03:00 | 0:03:04 | |
We're here representing Britain, and all that's great about Britain, | 0:03:04 | 0:03:07 | |
and you have brought along a Jaguar XJS, | 0:03:07 | 0:03:10 | |
almost certainly our country's most historically unreliable car. | 0:03:10 | 0:03:14 | |
This is the celebration model. | 0:03:14 | 0:03:16 | |
Is it a celebration of production finally coming to end? | 0:03:16 | 0:03:20 | |
60 years of Jaguar. | 0:03:20 | 0:03:21 | |
Special wheels, special colour-coordinated bumpers, | 0:03:21 | 0:03:24 | |
four-litre, straight six engine. | 0:03:24 | 0:03:27 | |
That thing has a reputation for stopping. | 0:03:27 | 0:03:30 | |
James, as I recall the braking system | 0:03:30 | 0:03:32 | |
-and steering is controlled by hydraulics. -That is right. | 0:03:32 | 0:03:36 | |
Now, if this car were to break down in the Rolls-Royce factory, | 0:03:36 | 0:03:39 | |
next to the team that built it, they wouldn't be able to mend it. | 0:03:39 | 0:03:43 | |
-You're in India. -Yes. -If your hydraulics go wrong, you are out. | 0:03:43 | 0:03:47 | |
You are an embarrassment to the nation. | 0:03:47 | 0:03:48 | |
And can I just say, this vinyl roof, | 0:03:48 | 0:03:51 | |
he's just put the final over the guttering. | 0:03:51 | 0:03:53 | |
This is not an advertisement. | 0:03:53 | 0:03:55 | |
If you were advertising Millets' tenting... | 0:03:55 | 0:03:58 | |
This car helped cement the very special Anglo-Indian relationship. | 0:03:58 | 0:04:02 | |
-How? -The favoured car of the maharajas. | 0:04:02 | 0:04:05 | |
-They sold hundreds of cars to India. -Only because Jaguar wasn't around. | 0:04:05 | 0:04:08 | |
-All of the maharajas would have had XJSs. -They wouldn't. -They would! | 0:04:08 | 0:04:12 | |
-'At this point, something very small arrived...' -Ha ha! | 0:04:12 | 0:04:16 | |
'..in a Mini!' | 0:04:16 | 0:04:17 | |
Oh, God, that's an absolute beauty. | 0:04:17 | 0:04:20 | |
That's quite a good idea, actually, but don't tell him. | 0:04:20 | 0:04:23 | |
-Hammond, you idiot. -You idiot. -What?! -Is that a good idea, is it? | 0:04:23 | 0:04:26 | |
Is it a good idea? It's genius. | 0:04:26 | 0:04:28 | |
Just to clarify what this is, it's a classic Mini Cooper Sport. | 0:04:28 | 0:04:31 | |
One of the very last ones built, in fact. | 0:04:31 | 0:04:34 | |
-Year 2000. -That is immaculate. | 0:04:35 | 0:04:37 | |
-That is pretty tidy. -It really is. | 0:04:37 | 0:04:39 | |
This is India, though. It's a big old place, | 0:04:39 | 0:04:42 | |
and this is a small old car. | 0:04:42 | 0:04:45 | |
-Come on, lads, you both know it is the home of the small car. -Was. | 0:04:45 | 0:04:49 | |
No, it still is. What matters most in India is how big it is inside, | 0:04:49 | 0:04:52 | |
-how small it is outside, and how many people it carries. -That's racist. | 0:04:52 | 0:04:55 | |
-What?! -When India was emerging, | 0:04:55 | 0:04:58 | |
they saw the car as a tool, | 0:04:58 | 0:05:00 | |
but now that India HAS emerged, | 0:05:00 | 0:05:02 | |
and is one of the economic superpowers, | 0:05:02 | 0:05:05 | |
everybody is going to want something with a great, long thrusting... | 0:05:05 | 0:05:08 | |
No, what happens next is the country grows out | 0:05:08 | 0:05:11 | |
of the great, long thrusting, and they come back to wanting, | 0:05:11 | 0:05:14 | |
yes, style, and practicality, and convenience...? Look at it! | 0:05:14 | 0:05:18 | |
Yes, but we are trying to say that Britain is a great country, | 0:05:18 | 0:05:21 | |
and has things to offer to a country which has succeeded. | 0:05:21 | 0:05:24 | |
-Such as this... -No! -..not a tired old Jaguar, and that's a Shadow? -It is. | 0:05:24 | 0:05:28 | |
How far do you think he's going to get in that? | 0:05:28 | 0:05:30 | |
Well, I think he's probably finished, isn't he? That's it. | 0:05:30 | 0:05:33 | |
-Let's see. -'Hammond and May then ganged up on my Jag.' | 0:05:33 | 0:05:37 | |
-I should point out the bits that will go wrong. -Yes. All of those. | 0:05:37 | 0:05:41 | |
-Yeah, yeah, yeah. -See all of those relays and those connectors? | 0:05:41 | 0:05:44 | |
Made in the Midlands, they will go wrong. Cooling system will go wrong. | 0:05:44 | 0:05:47 | |
It's OK, some of the relays are made in Spain. | 0:05:47 | 0:05:50 | |
'We'd find out soon enough if we'd made the right choices, | 0:05:52 | 0:05:57 | |
'because ahead lay a 1,300-mile journey | 0:05:57 | 0:06:00 | |
'on some of the most dangerous roads in the world. | 0:06:00 | 0:06:04 | |
'And then up into the brutal high passes of the Himalayas. | 0:06:04 | 0:06:08 | |
'But first, we had to get to know our cars | 0:06:11 | 0:06:15 | |
'on the streets of Bombay.' | 0:06:15 | 0:06:18 | |
HE GIGGLES This is the perfect car for this place! | 0:06:18 | 0:06:22 | |
It is a puppy, yes, but it's a Staffordshire bull terrier. | 0:06:22 | 0:06:25 | |
It is a... (MAKES BARKING NOISE) A tough little puppy. | 0:06:25 | 0:06:28 | |
I've forgotten the way these things deliver their power, | 0:06:28 | 0:06:31 | |
it's such a chunky little engine. | 0:06:31 | 0:06:34 | |
Oow! Yeah, speed humps, how I miss you(!) | 0:06:34 | 0:06:38 | |
A man taking his washing machine for a walk! | 0:06:39 | 0:06:42 | |
Morning. | 0:06:44 | 0:06:46 | |
Whenever we do these long journeys on Top Gear, | 0:06:48 | 0:06:51 | |
there's always a sense, the moment I set off, | 0:06:51 | 0:06:54 | |
that the car is already on its last legs, but in this, there isn't. | 0:06:54 | 0:06:59 | |
All the dials are reading what they should be reading, | 0:06:59 | 0:07:03 | |
the engine is smooth, the gear-change is smooth, all the electrics work. | 0:07:03 | 0:07:06 | |
This is a mobile advertisement for Great Britain. | 0:07:08 | 0:07:12 | |
Never mind that Jag today is Indian, let's gloss over that. | 0:07:12 | 0:07:15 | |
HORN BLARES | 0:07:15 | 0:07:17 | |
210 horsepower - what Rolls-Royce would have called "adequate." | 0:07:17 | 0:07:22 | |
It is adequate, more than adequate. | 0:07:22 | 0:07:25 | |
BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:07:25 | 0:07:27 | |
That's a buzzer that will sound if it overheats, say, | 0:07:27 | 0:07:30 | |
or the hydraulic brakes fail. Let's check that it works. You see? | 0:07:30 | 0:07:33 | |
BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:07:33 | 0:07:36 | |
I love India, I love the dynamism of it all. | 0:07:39 | 0:07:42 | |
People are busy. Business, business, business. Get on, get rich. | 0:07:42 | 0:07:46 | |
Jag! | 0:07:46 | 0:07:48 | |
Look at that! Hammond's Mini. | 0:07:50 | 0:07:53 | |
He is a man in love! | 0:07:53 | 0:07:55 | |
MAKES GRUNTING NOISES AT GEAR CHANGES | 0:07:56 | 0:07:59 | |
Weirdly, I have never actually owned a Mini. | 0:07:59 | 0:08:02 | |
My brother had one, my best friend had one, my girlfriend had one, | 0:08:02 | 0:08:06 | |
which I blew up while she was on holiday. | 0:08:06 | 0:08:09 | |
I changed the engine in it, | 0:08:09 | 0:08:10 | |
and I bought one for 25 quid and fitted it over a weekend | 0:08:10 | 0:08:13 | |
and never told her. | 0:08:13 | 0:08:15 | |
Until just then, when I told her, then. Sorry about your car... | 0:08:15 | 0:08:19 | |
Mel. | 0:08:19 | 0:08:20 | |
I know Hammond hasn't got it, so it's pointless asking, | 0:08:21 | 0:08:25 | |
but is your conditioning working? | 0:08:25 | 0:08:26 | |
Er, not as such. No. | 0:08:26 | 0:08:29 | |
'No, neither is mine.' | 0:08:29 | 0:08:31 | |
I thought it was, for a brief, glorious moment, | 0:08:31 | 0:08:33 | |
but then I realised, no, it isn't. | 0:08:33 | 0:08:35 | |
What I was saying then about my air conditioning | 0:08:38 | 0:08:40 | |
isn't actually true, it's working an absolute treat, | 0:08:40 | 0:08:43 | |
but I don't want to tell them that because they will just try | 0:08:43 | 0:08:46 | |
and break it in the night, because they're resentful and peevish. | 0:08:46 | 0:08:50 | |
Guys, you know the producers always provide a backup car | 0:08:50 | 0:08:53 | |
'on these shoots, in case one of our cars go wrong?' | 0:08:53 | 0:08:57 | |
Yes. | 0:08:57 | 0:08:59 | |
'Have you seen what's coming up in the middle lane | 0:08:59 | 0:09:02 | |
'on British plates right now?' | 0:09:02 | 0:09:05 | |
I've just seen it. I think I've seen it, is it an Allegro? | 0:09:06 | 0:09:10 | |
It is. | 0:09:10 | 0:09:11 | |
Oh, you're joking! | 0:09:11 | 0:09:13 | |
'Spurred on by this terrible development, | 0:09:13 | 0:09:17 | |
'we decided to begin our vital trade mission, | 0:09:17 | 0:09:19 | |
'starting with one of Bombay's most famous institutions.' | 0:09:19 | 0:09:23 | |
Everyday an army of about 5,000 people called dabbawalas | 0:09:25 | 0:09:28 | |
travel around the outskirts of the city | 0:09:28 | 0:09:30 | |
collecting lunches in tins, like these ones here. | 0:09:30 | 0:09:34 | |
They've been made by the wives of working men, and from here | 0:09:34 | 0:09:37 | |
they are transported on foot, | 0:09:37 | 0:09:39 | |
or by bicycle to the nearest train station. | 0:09:39 | 0:09:42 | |
Each tin is marked with a system of symbols | 0:09:45 | 0:09:48 | |
that tells the dabbawalas on the train where it's going. | 0:09:48 | 0:09:51 | |
So they know which tins have to be unloaded at which station. | 0:09:51 | 0:09:55 | |
The tins are then picked up at city centre stations | 0:09:59 | 0:10:03 | |
by yet more dabbawalas, | 0:10:03 | 0:10:05 | |
who bring them to the menfolk in their offices. | 0:10:05 | 0:10:08 | |
And the cost of having a piping hot, | 0:10:08 | 0:10:11 | |
home-cooked lunch, delivered every day, is £2 a month. | 0:10:11 | 0:10:16 | |
'What makes the whole system really incredible | 0:10:17 | 0:10:20 | |
'is that 200,000 lunches are delivered every day. | 0:10:20 | 0:10:24 | |
'Even though there's no FedEx-style computerised tracking system, | 0:10:24 | 0:10:28 | |
'only one mistake is made for every six million deliveries. | 0:10:28 | 0:10:33 | |
'That works out at an accuracy level of 99.9996%.' | 0:10:33 | 0:10:38 | |
I think, however, we could do better. | 0:10:41 | 0:10:44 | |
-How can we do better than that?! -If you think about it, they use trains, | 0:10:44 | 0:10:48 | |
-what if we used our cars? -That's not a bad idea, actually. | 0:10:48 | 0:10:52 | |
The first dabbawalas bring it to the car park at the railway station. | 0:10:52 | 0:10:56 | |
Instead of putting it on the train, we'll take it in our cars. | 0:10:56 | 0:11:00 | |
We'll beat the train. | 0:11:00 | 0:11:02 | |
If you think, when you're at home and you order a takeout pizza, do they use the train? | 0:11:02 | 0:11:06 | |
-They use a moped or a car. -They are hamstrung by tradition. -They are. | 0:11:06 | 0:11:11 | |
"For 120 years, we've always used to train. We always use the train." | 0:11:11 | 0:11:14 | |
-This is where we can help. -Then it will be remembered the day the dabbawala system was updated, | 0:11:14 | 0:11:19 | |
-it was in a British car. -Exactly! -Three British cars. | 0:11:19 | 0:11:22 | |
We're about to plug that gap. | 0:11:22 | 0:11:24 | |
That 0.0004% gap. | 0:11:24 | 0:11:28 | |
'And, so, the next day our experiment began. | 0:11:30 | 0:11:33 | |
'We would load the meals into our cars at Andheri station, | 0:11:33 | 0:11:37 | |
'in the suburbs, and then race the train-bound dabbawalas | 0:11:37 | 0:11:40 | |
'to the finish line at Churchgate station in the city centre.' | 0:11:40 | 0:11:45 | |
'Our train rivals prepared for the challenge with quiet efficiency | 0:11:46 | 0:11:51 | |
'whereas in the car park, things were rather less calm.' | 0:11:51 | 0:11:54 | |
-13, right, 13s are there. -It doesn't matter if it says 13. | 0:11:55 | 0:11:58 | |
It does - it's people's lunches! | 0:11:58 | 0:12:00 | |
All we have to do is get them to the other end. | 0:12:00 | 0:12:04 | |
-In the right order! -No, James, please just bung them in. | 0:12:04 | 0:12:08 | |
-Don't, because we'll just be having a race with the train, which we could do anyway. -Bung, bung... | 0:12:08 | 0:12:13 | |
The point is to beat the train AND make it work. Bung yours in. Stop interfering! | 0:12:13 | 0:12:17 | |
I'm not interested in your view on this. Go and do yours. | 0:12:17 | 0:12:21 | |
There's a train! There's a train. Just load up now. | 0:12:21 | 0:12:24 | |
I've lost count now. | 0:12:24 | 0:12:26 | |
This is hacking me off! If they're not in the right order we can't claim to have beaten the system. | 0:12:31 | 0:12:36 | |
-Just stop fretting about that and load it up! -Right! No time to lose. | 0:12:36 | 0:12:41 | |
11, 15, 15, 15... | 0:12:42 | 0:12:45 | |
TYRES SCREECH | 0:12:45 | 0:12:46 | |
Oh, for God's sake! | 0:12:46 | 0:12:48 | |
-The 12s and the odds... What? -He's gone. | 0:12:50 | 0:12:53 | |
-How many has he taken? -About 12. | 0:12:53 | 0:12:55 | |
-You are kidding? -In total? Yeah. -What a moron. | 0:12:55 | 0:12:59 | |
'The train and I left the station at exactly the same moment.' | 0:13:01 | 0:13:04 | |
Coming through! | 0:13:04 | 0:13:06 | |
Over the years, I have raced a Japanese bullet train, | 0:13:06 | 0:13:10 | |
the Swiss railway network, | 0:13:10 | 0:13:12 | |
the French railway network and never lost. | 0:13:12 | 0:13:15 | |
I don't intend to lose now! | 0:13:15 | 0:13:17 | |
Coming through, coming through. | 0:13:19 | 0:13:21 | |
'I'd been forced to take the meals that Jeremy had left behind | 0:13:21 | 0:13:25 | |
'which was a real treat for my spine.' Ow! | 0:13:25 | 0:13:27 | |
I think I might have made my already lowered suspension even lower still. | 0:13:31 | 0:13:34 | |
Ow! | 0:13:34 | 0:13:36 | |
HORNS BLARE | 0:13:36 | 0:13:37 | |
Come on, man. | 0:13:37 | 0:13:39 | |
Here are the figures - the train has got a 14-mile journey | 0:13:39 | 0:13:42 | |
and is scheduled to take 44 minutes. | 0:13:42 | 0:13:46 | |
My journey is 17 miles. | 0:13:46 | 0:13:49 | |
17 miles, 44 minutes, that means I must average... | 0:13:49 | 0:13:53 | |
Green, 18. Green, green, green, then yellow. | 0:13:57 | 0:14:03 | |
HORNS BLARE Come on, lunches, in a hurry. People's lunches, coming through. | 0:14:03 | 0:14:08 | |
I'm fine for tea towels, thank you. No, thank you. Thank you, no. | 0:14:13 | 0:14:16 | |
17 miles, 60 miles an hour. No... | 0:14:18 | 0:14:22 | |
If it was an hour, about... | 0:14:22 | 0:14:26 | |
'By this stage, Captain OCD had finally joined the race.' | 0:14:27 | 0:14:31 | |
Correct use of the horn there to warn of your presence going past. | 0:14:32 | 0:14:36 | |
I'm going to try and go to the outskirts of the city slyly and do a ring-road approach. | 0:14:36 | 0:14:40 | |
I think that'll be quicker. It's a bit further, but it'll be quicker. | 0:14:40 | 0:14:44 | |
Oh, for crying out loud! | 0:14:46 | 0:14:48 | |
The one bit of open road and look what I've got behind me - | 0:14:48 | 0:14:51 | |
Bombay 5-0. | 0:14:51 | 0:14:53 | |
Hello, officer. Hello, officer, doing the speed limit. | 0:14:53 | 0:14:57 | |
That has got the hallmarks of a massive thunderstorm. | 0:14:57 | 0:15:02 | |
As the train sped along, my journey, thanks to Jeremy, | 0:15:03 | 0:15:07 | |
continued to be nerve wracking and unpleasant. | 0:15:07 | 0:15:10 | |
Oh! I heard the food move. | 0:15:11 | 0:15:14 | |
Ah! My tins are rattling. | 0:15:16 | 0:15:18 | |
Ow! | 0:15:18 | 0:15:20 | |
This is just too easy, I'm making cracking progress. | 0:15:23 | 0:15:27 | |
-Test. It's fine. -BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:15:27 | 0:15:30 | |
TYRES SCREECH | 0:15:30 | 0:15:32 | |
Yes, it's raining. | 0:15:33 | 0:15:34 | |
THUNDER SOUNDS | 0:15:34 | 0:15:36 | |
Bloody hell! | 0:15:36 | 0:15:38 | |
This is a big rainstorm now. | 0:15:40 | 0:15:43 | |
'The cloudburst only lasted for a few moments but, as in any city, | 0:15:43 | 0:15:47 | |
'it slowed the traffic right down.' | 0:15:47 | 0:15:51 | |
I now have 17 minutes to revolutionise dabbawaling | 0:15:51 | 0:15:56 | |
and mend Britain's balance of payments' deficit. | 0:15:56 | 0:15:59 | |
Coming through, lunch on the way. | 0:16:03 | 0:16:05 | |
Come on! | 0:16:06 | 0:16:08 | |
I am an ambassador representing the sovereign nation of Great Britain. | 0:16:08 | 0:16:12 | |
On a mission... | 0:16:12 | 0:16:14 | |
Right, this is not good, it's clear here. I'm going to go this way. | 0:16:14 | 0:16:19 | |
LOUD CLATTER | 0:16:19 | 0:16:20 | |
Oh! | 0:16:25 | 0:16:27 | |
14 minutes to go. Come on, come on, come on. | 0:16:29 | 0:16:32 | |
We may have bitten off more than we can chew, in this traffic. We may have done. | 0:16:34 | 0:16:38 | |
-I'm pretty sure this right is right. -HORNS BLARE | 0:16:46 | 0:16:50 | |
Yes, most of that will go in there. | 0:16:55 | 0:16:57 | |
You see. | 0:16:57 | 0:16:59 | |
OK, there will be shouting from those people who don't get their lunch. | 0:17:01 | 0:17:05 | |
Oh, I don't want to lose any more. | 0:17:05 | 0:17:08 | |
'The train would be at Churchgate station in just eight minutes. | 0:17:10 | 0:17:13 | |
'But I was now clear of the jams.' | 0:17:13 | 0:17:16 | |
Here we go, time to unleash what used to be 223 horsepower. | 0:17:16 | 0:17:23 | |
TYRES SCREECH | 0:17:23 | 0:17:25 | |
Oh, no, you're not having that space, mate, I am. Big lorry, or not. | 0:17:25 | 0:17:31 | |
I'm a Mini. Grrrr. HORN BLARES | 0:17:31 | 0:17:34 | |
Get out of my way! | 0:17:34 | 0:17:35 | |
That's the train. That's the train. There it is, there it is! | 0:17:38 | 0:17:41 | |
Come o-o-o-n! | 0:17:42 | 0:17:44 | |
This ring road... must be quite a big ring. | 0:17:48 | 0:17:51 | |
This doesn't look very teeming 20-million-inhabitant- Indian-city-ish. | 0:17:51 | 0:17:56 | |
This is a delay I did not need. | 0:17:57 | 0:17:59 | |
Oh, God! | 0:17:59 | 0:18:03 | |
Move! Move! | 0:18:07 | 0:18:10 | |
'In just over 43 minutes, I arrived at the station.' | 0:18:10 | 0:18:14 | |
I've beaten the others, but more importantly... | 0:18:14 | 0:18:18 | |
I've beaten the train. | 0:18:18 | 0:18:20 | |
'This was good news for Britain.' | 0:18:20 | 0:18:24 | |
What do you think of that, chaps? | 0:18:24 | 0:18:27 | |
Yes, now, listen... | 0:18:28 | 0:18:30 | |
-THEY SPEAK IN HINDI -What's the matter? | 0:18:30 | 0:18:32 | |
I know, there aren't very many, but MUCH hotter than usual. | 0:18:32 | 0:18:36 | |
'Quite a while later, the first of my colleagues arrived | 0:18:41 | 0:18:45 | |
'with his afternoon tea delivery service. | 0:18:45 | 0:18:48 | |
Hammond! | 0:18:48 | 0:18:50 | |
What were you thinking of? | 0:18:50 | 0:18:53 | |
What was the point in that whole exercise? | 0:18:53 | 0:18:55 | |
We were transporting boxes of food and you left with none! | 0:18:55 | 0:19:00 | |
I left with 17. One was a bit ruined when I got here, I admit, | 0:19:00 | 0:19:04 | |
but 16 lunches were delivered early, not in time for tea. | 0:19:04 | 0:19:09 | |
-Seriously, where have you been for an hour and 20 minutes? -I went to a different station first. | 0:19:09 | 0:19:14 | |
No, you didn't, where are they? | 0:19:14 | 0:19:15 | |
-I dropped them. -What? -I dropped them. | 0:19:15 | 0:19:19 | |
-You dropped them? -They fell off the roof. Yes. | 0:19:19 | 0:19:21 | |
-And where is May? Have you seen him? -No! | 0:19:21 | 0:19:25 | |
'It turned out James hadn't just lost the race... | 0:19:25 | 0:19:28 | |
'he'd lost Bombay.' | 0:19:28 | 0:19:30 | |
Oh, cock. | 0:19:33 | 0:19:35 | |
Having achieved an accuracy rating in our delivery service of just 4%, | 0:19:37 | 0:19:41 | |
we decided to abandon dabbawaling and head north to Jaipur. | 0:19:41 | 0:19:46 | |
But instead of driving, the producer insisted we take an overnight train. | 0:19:46 | 0:19:51 | |
They CANNOT be serious! That is not a motor rail carriage. | 0:20:01 | 0:20:06 | |
-How do you lose Bombay? -I didn't lose it so much, I overshot. -What? | 0:20:11 | 0:20:16 | |
-You can't miss it - it's enormous! -I tried to do a clever ring road. | 0:20:16 | 0:20:19 | |
It's the biggest place we've ever been. | 0:20:19 | 0:20:21 | |
Why do you think the producer is making us go on the train to Jaipur? | 0:20:21 | 0:20:26 | |
I don't know. Why wouldn't he make us drive? | 0:20:26 | 0:20:28 | |
-I was quite happy in my Rolls-Royce. -I was... There's nothing... | 0:20:28 | 0:20:32 | |
-It's a slightly dangerous road, but... -It's a bit unexpected. | 0:20:32 | 0:20:36 | |
-I think I know why. -Why? | 0:20:36 | 0:20:38 | |
A-hem... | 0:20:38 | 0:20:39 | |
-Because HE doesn't want to drive. -Oh, yes! The producer drives the Allegro. | 0:20:39 | 0:20:43 | |
He doesn't want to drive in the back-up car. | 0:20:43 | 0:20:46 | |
It overheats, so you have to have the heater on full. | 0:20:46 | 0:20:49 | |
-Yeah. -I wouldn't want to drive that. -No. | 0:20:49 | 0:20:51 | |
Having loaded our cars, we went to get our tickets. However... | 0:20:55 | 0:20:58 | |
The queue goes all the way in there. | 0:21:05 | 0:21:08 | |
-I can't do queuing. -Really? -I can't. | 0:21:08 | 0:21:10 | |
Manual labour and queuing are the only two things in life I can't do. | 0:21:10 | 0:21:14 | |
-But I really physically can't. -No, I can't either. | 0:21:14 | 0:21:17 | |
I do this queue sweary thing. | 0:21:17 | 0:21:20 | |
I can go for so long and then (BLEEP) it just happens. Did it happen then? | 0:21:20 | 0:21:24 | |
-I can't... Ha, ha haaa! It's happened again. -Right, off you go, then. | 0:21:24 | 0:21:28 | |
-So you don't mind... because he doesn't like... -Go. | 0:21:28 | 0:21:31 | |
Are you sure you don't mind? | 0:21:31 | 0:21:32 | |
-He doesn't like us, that's what's going on. -You may have a point. Go. | 0:21:32 | 0:21:35 | |
You absolutely... He doesn't mind queuing! | 0:21:35 | 0:21:38 | |
I do, but I'd rather queue than listen to you two bleating. | 0:21:38 | 0:21:41 | |
Arse! That was a gentle one, but it gets a lot worse. | 0:21:41 | 0:21:44 | |
I'll take him for a beer. I'll look after him. | 0:21:44 | 0:21:46 | |
Beer helps. That'll fix it. | 0:21:46 | 0:21:48 | |
As James inched forward... | 0:21:58 | 0:22:00 | |
..I went shopping and then met up with Hammond for lunch. | 0:22:01 | 0:22:05 | |
Would you like...chicken lung soup? | 0:22:05 | 0:22:09 | |
No. No. | 0:22:10 | 0:22:11 | |
-Little bit of lung? -No. -You won't even taste it? | 0:22:11 | 0:22:14 | |
No, I'm really not hungry. I'm fine. | 0:22:14 | 0:22:16 | |
Would you like me to give you the present I've bought you? | 0:22:16 | 0:22:19 | |
Ooh, let me guess, is it something impractical, | 0:22:19 | 0:22:22 | |
a bit ridiculous and too big for the boot of a Mini? | 0:22:22 | 0:22:26 | |
Always so ungrateful. Honestly! | 0:22:26 | 0:22:29 | |
-TANNOY: -May I have your attention... | 0:22:29 | 0:22:34 | |
Hammond! | 0:22:36 | 0:22:38 | |
-That's a double bass. -You like double basses. | 0:22:43 | 0:22:45 | |
-I do like double basses very much. Is that for me, seriously? -Yep. | 0:22:45 | 0:22:50 | |
Thank you very much. You're very kind. | 0:22:50 | 0:22:53 | |
-I've had an idea. You know when we get to Delhi? -Yeah. | 0:23:01 | 0:23:05 | |
Why don't we have - cos this is what most trade missions would do - | 0:23:05 | 0:23:09 | |
a party? | 0:23:09 | 0:23:11 | |
-What, just, let's have a party? -If you have a party, | 0:23:11 | 0:23:13 | |
and invite the sort of great and the good, Indian commerce people, ambassadors... | 0:23:13 | 0:23:19 | |
-Oh, like a sort of ambassadorial, Ferrero Rocher type thing? -Exactly that. | 0:23:19 | 0:23:24 | |
Hello. Three adults for Jaipur, please. | 0:23:26 | 0:23:29 | |
-Where would it be? Is it in a...? What's it in? -In a garden. | 0:23:50 | 0:23:53 | |
-We could have a marquee. -A garden party! That's very British. | 0:23:53 | 0:23:58 | |
Come on! This is actually a good idea. | 0:23:58 | 0:24:01 | |
It needs a focus, we're going to have all British products | 0:24:01 | 0:24:04 | |
and our cars, and you walk around and look at them and stuff. | 0:24:04 | 0:24:07 | |
But it needs a... What? You need to... | 0:24:07 | 0:24:09 | |
What, you think we get the Top Gear band back together? | 0:24:12 | 0:24:16 | |
What, so we entertain? I'm up for that, I reckon that'll work. Cheers! | 0:24:16 | 0:24:20 | |
Many hours of queuing later, Eeyore joined us on the platform. | 0:24:24 | 0:24:28 | |
-What's this? -We're getting the Top Gear band back together! -Yes, we are! | 0:24:28 | 0:24:32 | |
-Come on. -Yeah, we are. -Can you grab your keyboard? | 0:24:32 | 0:24:36 | |
I'll explain on the train. | 0:24:36 | 0:24:37 | |
Thank you. Sorry. Sorry, everybody. | 0:24:37 | 0:24:40 | |
This is a bass drum. | 0:24:40 | 0:24:42 | |
Oooh! | 0:24:42 | 0:24:44 | |
Ooh, it's crowded! | 0:24:44 | 0:24:46 | |
'A hot, 18-hour journey lay ahead. | 0:24:48 | 0:24:50 | |
'So, to cheer everyone up, we roped in our producer on vocals | 0:24:52 | 0:24:56 | |
'and set to work, practising the song we'd be performing at our ambassadorial reception.' | 0:24:56 | 0:25:02 | |
# Any time you feel the pain | 0:25:03 | 0:25:07 | |
# Hey, Jude, refrain | 0:25:07 | 0:25:09 | |
# Don't carry the world | 0:25:09 | 0:25:12 | |
# Upon your shoulder | 0:25:12 | 0:25:16 | |
# Na-na-na-na-na-na Na-na-na-na-na-na | 0:25:16 | 0:25:21 | |
# Na-na-na-na-na-na... # | 0:25:23 | 0:25:28 | |
'The other passengers were reluctant to join in on the chorus, | 0:25:28 | 0:25:31 | |
'but then Jeremy had a brainwave.' | 0:25:31 | 0:25:33 | |
I tell you what's better, why don't we change the words? Naan! | 0:25:33 | 0:25:36 | |
Hey! # Naan-naan-naan-naan-na-na-naan | 0:25:36 | 0:25:41 | |
'Which did the trick.' | 0:25:41 | 0:25:42 | |
# Naan-naan-naan-naan | 0:25:42 | 0:25:45 | |
# Naan-naan-naan-naan Hey, Jude | 0:25:45 | 0:25:49 | |
Everybody! | 0:25:49 | 0:25:51 | |
# Naan-naan-naan-naan-na-na-naan | 0:25:51 | 0:25:54 | |
'The next morning, the song was perfected, | 0:26:04 | 0:26:08 | |
'but we still had six hours to go.' | 0:26:08 | 0:26:10 | |
'So we had a discussion about how the time could be used productively.' | 0:26:10 | 0:26:14 | |
You know this train is like a big billboard? Or could be. | 0:26:14 | 0:26:19 | |
-How? -Think, it's going right through India | 0:26:19 | 0:26:23 | |
and there are no slogans at all on the outside. | 0:26:23 | 0:26:25 | |
And there are a billion people in India. | 0:26:25 | 0:26:27 | |
-How can we benefit from that? -If we got some banners, | 0:26:27 | 0:26:31 | |
we can promote Britain as the train's going along. | 0:26:31 | 0:26:35 | |
We can't use product names, because it's the BBC, but stuff like IT, | 0:26:35 | 0:26:39 | |
-everybody I know works in IT. Literally everybody. -Financial services. | 0:26:39 | 0:26:42 | |
-Food. -How could we do...? Everybody loves... | 0:26:42 | 0:26:45 | |
-Is HP sauce still...? Is it American? -Roast beef? | 0:26:45 | 0:26:48 | |
-We're known for that. -We can't promote beef. | 0:26:48 | 0:26:52 | |
No, not here. No, you're right. | 0:26:52 | 0:26:54 | |
You've got French fries, | 0:26:54 | 0:26:56 | |
Belgian waffles. | 0:26:56 | 0:26:58 | |
What about English crumpets? | 0:26:58 | 0:27:01 | |
No, that's not very good, is it? | 0:27:01 | 0:27:03 | |
'Eventually, we decided on our slogan.' | 0:27:05 | 0:27:09 | |
'So, at the next stop, Hammond went off to buy some materials.' | 0:27:09 | 0:27:13 | |
-TRAIN WHISTLE -Hammond, run! | 0:27:13 | 0:27:14 | |
HE LAUGHS I got it! | 0:27:15 | 0:27:17 | |
'And then we got painting.' | 0:27:17 | 0:27:20 | |
-OK. -Right, James, unravel. | 0:27:20 | 0:27:23 | |
Unravelling. | 0:27:23 | 0:27:24 | |
-It's like ticker-taping Times Square. -That's quite good. | 0:27:24 | 0:27:28 | |
We're like an enormous, weird typewriter. | 0:27:28 | 0:27:30 | |
'With the banner complete, | 0:27:32 | 0:27:34 | |
'we had to hang it on the outside of the train.' | 0:27:34 | 0:27:36 | |
-I'm going to open this door. -Right. | 0:27:36 | 0:27:38 | |
I'm going to feed the banner out of it, | 0:27:38 | 0:27:41 | |
where the slipstream of the train will carry it to Hammond, | 0:27:41 | 0:27:44 | |
-who's waiting at the next door. -Whoa! | 0:27:44 | 0:27:46 | |
Here we go. | 0:27:48 | 0:27:49 | |
More! | 0:27:53 | 0:27:54 | |
I need more! | 0:27:54 | 0:27:56 | |
Hammond! | 0:28:01 | 0:28:02 | |
Try to do it when there are no posts! | 0:28:02 | 0:28:04 | |
Argh! | 0:28:04 | 0:28:06 | |
Got it. | 0:28:08 | 0:28:10 | |
-Got to get it higher. -Bring it back in. -No, just lift it up. | 0:28:14 | 0:28:17 | |
-No, because it's already dragging... -THUD | 0:28:18 | 0:28:20 | |
When does it stop next? | 0:28:23 | 0:28:24 | |
THEY SCREAM | 0:28:24 | 0:28:27 | |
'Hammond made some more banners | 0:28:32 | 0:28:34 | |
'and we decided our best chance of success | 0:28:34 | 0:28:37 | |
'was to hang them on the side of the train when it stopped at stations.' | 0:28:37 | 0:28:41 | |
This has to be the most efficient thing we've ever done in our lives. | 0:28:42 | 0:28:45 | |
-We've never done anything efficient. -No, but we have to be. | 0:28:45 | 0:28:48 | |
I know. Yes. | 0:28:48 | 0:28:50 | |
Speed is everything. | 0:28:50 | 0:28:52 | |
What we've done is enlisted the entire production team | 0:28:52 | 0:28:55 | |
to help us hang the banner on the outside of the train now, | 0:28:55 | 0:28:58 | |
because it's stopped for 18 minutes. | 0:28:58 | 0:29:01 | |
-Are we ready? Are we ready? -Yes, yes, yes. -Steady. | 0:29:01 | 0:29:05 | |
Go! Go, go, go! Hit it. | 0:29:05 | 0:29:07 | |
I think we've done well there. | 0:29:20 | 0:29:21 | |
'With one banner in place, we were like a well-oiled machine | 0:29:24 | 0:29:28 | |
'when we got to the next stop.' | 0:29:28 | 0:29:30 | |
Now THAT is marketing. | 0:29:32 | 0:29:35 | |
And the result is all of these people here are going to go home and want an English muffin. | 0:29:35 | 0:29:40 | |
You hear about these trade missions to far-flung places in the world, | 0:29:40 | 0:29:44 | |
and you just know they're not doing this kind of thing. | 0:29:44 | 0:29:48 | |
Prince Andrew is not hanging from a side of a train in Kuwait, | 0:29:48 | 0:29:51 | |
-saying, "Buy diggers." He isn't doing that. -TRAIN TOOTS | 0:29:51 | 0:29:55 | |
The signal. We've got to go, guys. | 0:29:55 | 0:29:59 | |
'Our mobile billboard for UK Plc was now complete.' | 0:30:01 | 0:30:06 | |
'However, at the next station, James insisted on doing some repairs.' | 0:30:08 | 0:30:13 | |
-James, leave it. -You haven't done it properly. -Leave it. -It on, it's on. | 0:30:13 | 0:30:18 | |
-TRAIN TOOTS -Whoa, my God! | 0:30:18 | 0:30:22 | |
Run! Run! | 0:30:22 | 0:30:24 | |
Quick, get on, get on. | 0:30:25 | 0:30:26 | |
-James, run. -Pull the cord. -Run! | 0:30:28 | 0:30:30 | |
Pull the cord! Pull the cord! | 0:30:30 | 0:30:34 | |
No, there's a... | 0:30:34 | 0:30:37 | |
-Hammond. -Yeah? -To stop the train you pull the chain. -Yeah. | 0:30:40 | 0:30:44 | |
But there's a fine of 1,000 rupees. | 0:30:44 | 0:30:47 | |
-That's about 13 quid. -£13. I mean... | 0:30:47 | 0:30:50 | |
I haven't got that sort of money. | 0:30:50 | 0:30:52 | |
-I'm not paying 13 quid. -No, no, no. | 0:30:52 | 0:30:55 | |
'Eventually, we arrived at our stop, Jaipur, | 0:30:59 | 0:31:03 | |
'a town seemingly famous for its natural springs.' | 0:31:03 | 0:31:06 | |
'We paused for a while to wish our banners well on their journey across India.' | 0:31:09 | 0:31:12 | |
-That is a proud moment. -Isn't it? -It is. | 0:31:14 | 0:31:17 | |
-I just wish James was here to see... -Our message. | 0:31:17 | 0:31:20 | |
..our message to the subcontinent. | 0:31:20 | 0:31:24 | |
Oh, God. | 0:31:31 | 0:31:32 | |
-Oh. -It's going to Delhi. | 0:31:33 | 0:31:35 | |
What's it going to say on the other side? | 0:31:38 | 0:31:41 | |
'To make matters worse, | 0:31:50 | 0:31:52 | |
'it looked like Jeremy's dabbawalla delivery in Bombay | 0:31:52 | 0:31:55 | |
'hadn't gone that well after all.' | 0:31:55 | 0:31:57 | |
'Then, when we unloaded James's Rolls, | 0:31:58 | 0:32:01 | |
'we discovered we'd been betrayed.' | 0:32:01 | 0:32:03 | |
When you get in here, you're in for a nasty surprise. | 0:32:03 | 0:32:07 | |
Er, feel that. | 0:32:09 | 0:32:10 | |
-But there's cool air. -Yes. | 0:32:10 | 0:32:13 | |
Yes, yes. | 0:32:13 | 0:32:15 | |
Devious... | 0:32:15 | 0:32:17 | |
-He told us it was broken. -Is it? | 0:32:17 | 0:32:20 | |
-Oh! -The thing is, though, | 0:32:20 | 0:32:22 | |
-you know Gandhi? -Er, yeah, was he a Rolls man? -No. | 0:32:22 | 0:32:27 | |
Absolutely not. | 0:32:27 | 0:32:29 | |
Now, Gandhi argued there was too big a gulf | 0:32:29 | 0:32:31 | |
in India between the rich and the poor and it should be narrower. | 0:32:31 | 0:32:35 | |
And I think if we disabled James's air conditioning, | 0:32:35 | 0:32:40 | |
it would make him more equal to us. | 0:32:40 | 0:32:43 | |
And that's good not just for us, | 0:32:43 | 0:32:46 | |
-but also spiritually for him. -Exactly. | 0:32:46 | 0:32:50 | |
-Gandhi would approve of what I'm doing now. -This is a noble act. Oh. | 0:32:51 | 0:32:55 | |
Nothing to see here. Nothing to see here. | 0:32:57 | 0:33:01 | |
Beautiful British engineering. | 0:33:01 | 0:33:03 | |
If we do it back up again, there's no evidence. | 0:33:03 | 0:33:06 | |
-No, none. It's the perfect crime. -It IS the perfect crime. | 0:33:06 | 0:33:10 | |
No tools... | 0:33:10 | 0:33:11 | |
-no murder weapon. -No. | 0:33:11 | 0:33:14 | |
'Eventually, Judas arrived.' | 0:33:16 | 0:33:18 | |
May! You've made it. | 0:33:18 | 0:33:21 | |
-Well done. -How did you miss it? | 0:33:21 | 0:33:23 | |
What you couldn't see from the train | 0:33:23 | 0:33:25 | |
-was the platform ended and there was a drop of 15ft. -I did see that. | 0:33:25 | 0:33:29 | |
-I couldn't do anything. That's why I shouted, "Pull the cord." Why didn't you? -There's a fine. | 0:33:29 | 0:33:33 | |
13 quid. But the good news is, | 0:33:33 | 0:33:37 | |
the cars have all arrived, amazingly, in one piece. | 0:33:37 | 0:33:40 | |
-Is it nice to see them? -I've also had a really good idea | 0:33:40 | 0:33:43 | |
for what we can do while we're in Jaipur. | 0:33:43 | 0:33:46 | |
'My plan was to promote the British motorsport industry by staging a hill-climb event.' | 0:33:49 | 0:33:54 | |
'Which, of course, meant finding a hill.' | 0:33:54 | 0:33:58 | |
Oh, yes! | 0:34:01 | 0:34:02 | |
Nice little course, one kilometre. Perfect. | 0:34:02 | 0:34:06 | |
And what we've done is invited some local Indians to bring whatever vehicles they have | 0:34:07 | 0:34:13 | |
to see how fast they can get up the hill. | 0:34:13 | 0:34:15 | |
It should be a good day's sport. | 0:34:15 | 0:34:17 | |
'But, of course, not only would the Indians get a flavour of this traditional British motorsport, | 0:34:18 | 0:34:23 | |
'we'd have a chance to see what sort of vehicles are favoured | 0:34:23 | 0:34:26 | |
'by the Indian petrol head.' | 0:34:26 | 0:34:28 | |
-Go! Yeah! -He's off. | 0:34:29 | 0:34:31 | |
-He's away! -We're underway! -We've done something. | 0:34:31 | 0:34:34 | |
What was that motorcycle? Because this is our leaderboard. | 0:34:36 | 0:34:40 | |
That was the Rajdoot 175. | 0:34:40 | 0:34:43 | |
'Moments later, we got out first time.' | 0:34:43 | 0:34:45 | |
-One minute, 20.6. -Is that fast? -We don't know. | 0:34:45 | 0:34:48 | |
'Next up was the Hindustan Ambassador, | 0:34:50 | 0:34:52 | |
'which began in life as a Morris Oxford | 0:34:52 | 0:34:54 | |
'and is still being produced in Calcutta 63 years later.' | 0:34:54 | 0:35:00 | |
Go! | 0:35:00 | 0:35:01 | |
-Has he gone? -He's still going. -Whoa! -Still going. | 0:35:01 | 0:35:05 | |
Whoa! | 0:35:05 | 0:35:07 | |
That's the smell of Britain in the '50s. | 0:35:07 | 0:35:09 | |
'When the Hindustan had finished, | 0:35:10 | 0:35:13 | |
'it was the turn of the Indian new boy, the Tata Nano, | 0:35:13 | 0:35:17 | |
'which, at 1900 quid, | 0:35:17 | 0:35:19 | |
'is the cheapest car in the world right now.' | 0:35:19 | 0:35:22 | |
Go! | 0:35:22 | 0:35:23 | |
Less smoke. | 0:35:24 | 0:35:26 | |
'It may only have a 600cc two-cylinder engine, | 0:35:27 | 0:35:32 | |
'but that didn't stop it from putting on a good show.' | 0:35:32 | 0:35:35 | |
-1.14.7. -Oh, that's our first blistering time of the day. | 0:35:35 | 0:35:39 | |
-That is a quick car. -It's blindingly quick. | 0:35:39 | 0:35:42 | |
You know what's going to happen? He'll think, "I'll go up that hill again next weekend." | 0:35:42 | 0:35:47 | |
"I wonder if I can go a bit faster? If I get that British fuel pipe hose..." | 0:35:47 | 0:35:52 | |
-"I could improve..." -And somebody in Britain who makes hoses... -Gets a sale. | 0:35:52 | 0:35:56 | |
Gets a sale. | 0:35:56 | 0:35:58 | |
'Next, it was the turn of India's most popular taxi, | 0:35:58 | 0:36:02 | |
'the superbly engineered tuk tuk.' | 0:36:02 | 0:36:05 | |
It's going backwards. | 0:36:06 | 0:36:08 | |
It's going, it's going, it's going, it's going. | 0:36:13 | 0:36:15 | |
-That's better. -I've got cancer now(!) | 0:36:18 | 0:36:21 | |
You know the Reliant Robin is not a stable vehicle, | 0:36:22 | 0:36:25 | |
as I have proved many times? THAT makes the Reliant Robin look like a railway locomotive. | 0:36:25 | 0:36:30 | |
'As was demonstrated on the next bend.' | 0:36:31 | 0:36:34 | |
CRASH | 0:36:34 | 0:36:35 | |
'Despite this mishap, the locals kept on coming.' | 0:36:38 | 0:36:42 | |
Well done, thank you taking part. | 0:36:46 | 0:36:48 | |
-Good luck. -'In fact, our hill climb was so popular...' | 0:36:50 | 0:36:54 | |
-Go! -Whoa. | 0:36:56 | 0:36:58 | |
'..that things soon got out of control.' | 0:36:58 | 0:37:00 | |
CAR HORN TOOTS | 0:37:03 | 0:37:05 | |
'Eventually, the police arrived, but only so they could have a go.' | 0:37:09 | 0:37:13 | |
-It's a heck of a grid. I would watch this on TV. -I would. | 0:37:15 | 0:37:18 | |
More than Formula One. | 0:37:18 | 0:37:19 | |
'With the leaderboard almost full, it was now our turn to set a time, | 0:37:20 | 0:37:24 | |
'but that gave us a bit of a diplomatic issue.' | 0:37:24 | 0:37:28 | |
-We need to demonstrate that our cars are good. -Yes. -They're British. | 0:37:28 | 0:37:33 | |
-(WHISPERING) We don't want... -Well, a little bit. | 0:37:33 | 0:37:35 | |
-A little bit of winning. -No, no. No winning at all. | 0:37:35 | 0:37:39 | |
-WHISPERING INDISTINCT -We really can't. | 0:37:39 | 0:37:42 | |
-A small win? -We're hosting the event. You'd have to present the prize to yourself! | 0:37:42 | 0:37:46 | |
'Having made Jeremy promise he wouldn't win, I lined up the Mini.' | 0:37:46 | 0:37:50 | |
Three, two, one! | 0:37:50 | 0:37:54 | |
TYRES SCREECH | 0:37:54 | 0:37:55 | |
-And we're off. -This is what the Mini was born to do. | 0:37:55 | 0:37:59 | |
This thing won the Monte Carlo Rally | 0:38:00 | 0:38:02 | |
and watching one of these in classic touring car racing was utterly, utterly brilliant. | 0:38:02 | 0:38:06 | |
Every major racing driver of the period had one. | 0:38:08 | 0:38:11 | |
Enzo Ferrari had THREE of these things! | 0:38:11 | 0:38:13 | |
HE LAUGHS | 0:38:14 | 0:38:16 | |
I am upholding a legend here. | 0:38:16 | 0:38:18 | |
Finish line in sight. Oh, I can't go too... I mustn't win. | 0:38:20 | 0:38:24 | |
Nobody can see. I'm going to give myself a ten-second penalty, because... | 0:38:24 | 0:38:29 | |
I don't want to... You know, I... | 0:38:29 | 0:38:32 | |
Yeah, that'll do. | 0:38:32 | 0:38:35 | |
And across the line! | 0:38:35 | 0:38:37 | |
'Hammond's diplomacy worked brilliantly.' | 0:38:37 | 0:38:40 | |
'And now it was my turn.' | 0:38:40 | 0:38:42 | |
Begin. | 0:38:42 | 0:38:43 | |
Still going by, still going by. Still going by. Oh, it's gone. | 0:38:43 | 0:38:47 | |
A Rolls-Royce, of course, has no real motor-sport heritage, | 0:38:47 | 0:38:50 | |
apart from a rally the Shadow entered in the '60s. | 0:38:50 | 0:38:52 | |
Didn't do very well and that commends it to me. | 0:38:52 | 0:38:56 | |
-HE MAKES CREAKING NOISES Big old lead. -This is James. | 0:38:56 | 0:39:00 | |
Yeah. The grill will just... | 0:39:00 | 0:39:03 | |
Remember, a Rolls-Royce is designed to stop you driving like a hooligan. | 0:39:05 | 0:39:10 | |
It sort of says, "Are you sure, sir?" | 0:39:10 | 0:39:12 | |
-Mid-race check. Everything's good. -BUZZER SOUNDS | 0:39:13 | 0:39:16 | |
-We're both suffering with gut sweat. -Yeah. It's interesting here, | 0:39:18 | 0:39:21 | |
you don't need your penis. | 0:39:21 | 0:39:23 | |
You drink and drink and drink and it just comes out of everywhere else. | 0:39:23 | 0:39:27 | |
-This is not needed. -Thank you, Dr Clarkson, that's an interesting theory(!) | 0:39:27 | 0:39:31 | |
Here we are at the finish. | 0:39:32 | 0:39:34 | |
'James, too, posted a thoughtful and considerate time.' | 0:39:36 | 0:39:41 | |
'Now, we could only hope the orang-utan would do the same.' | 0:39:41 | 0:39:45 | |
-Jeremy. -What? -You're starting off halfway across the line. | 0:39:45 | 0:39:49 | |
-It's for fun! -Why are you wearing a helmet? -I don't know. -My helmet? | 0:39:49 | 0:39:53 | |
Because it wedges my head in, so I don't roll about. | 0:39:53 | 0:39:57 | |
-What's that on the dash? -Stopwatch. | 0:39:57 | 0:39:59 | |
-Why? -We've got a stopwatch. -No, I want to see what I'm doing. | 0:39:59 | 0:40:02 | |
In three, two, one...go. | 0:40:02 | 0:40:06 | |
-TYRES SCREECH -Yes, here we go! | 0:40:06 | 0:40:09 | |
The Jag, of course, has a fine motor-sport pedigree. | 0:40:09 | 0:40:12 | |
And you can feel that pedigree as I unleash it through the esses. | 0:40:12 | 0:40:16 | |
He wants to finish about 1:16. | 0:40:16 | 0:40:21 | |
Between the Mini and the Rolls, because that what you'd expect. | 0:40:21 | 0:40:25 | |
Kiss the apex! Power it out of there. | 0:40:25 | 0:40:28 | |
Up the hill. | 0:40:28 | 0:40:30 | |
The only problem I've got, really, is the gear box won't kick down. | 0:40:30 | 0:40:34 | |
That's because it's a ZF box, made by Germans. And I'm just telling you, if you're Indian, | 0:40:34 | 0:40:40 | |
"German" is a byword for shoddy quality. | 0:40:40 | 0:40:43 | |
He'll stop. He'll take a break before the top. I told him to pause and then... | 0:40:44 | 0:40:49 | |
And there's the finishing line. Power! | 0:40:51 | 0:40:53 | |
And so, in third place, | 0:40:55 | 0:40:57 | |
-the Maruti jeep driven by Nitish. Where are you? Well done. -Well done. | 0:40:57 | 0:41:00 | |
And, in second place, the Tata Nano, driven by Sorab. | 0:41:00 | 0:41:03 | |
-Well done, well done. -Good man, well done. | 0:41:03 | 0:41:07 | |
So, the winner of the inaugural Top Gear All-India British Hill-speed Climb Event... | 0:41:07 | 0:41:12 | |
is the Jaguar XJS driven by Jeremy... HE TAILS OFF | 0:41:12 | 0:41:15 | |
Yes! There you go. Thank you very much. So... | 0:41:15 | 0:41:19 | |
-Oh, God. -..people of India. | 0:41:20 | 0:41:23 | |
'Thanks to Jeremy, the hill climb had not been a diplomatic success.' | 0:41:23 | 0:41:28 | |
'But then, Jaipur itself gave us an idea for making amends.' | 0:41:30 | 0:41:35 | |
'In 1876, the whole city was painted pink to celebrate a visit | 0:41:35 | 0:41:39 | |
'by the then Prince of Wales.' So we thought we'd reciprocate | 0:41:39 | 0:41:44 | |
'by splitting up and decorating our cars to celebrate India.' | 0:41:44 | 0:41:48 | |
Right. I'm going to focus my efforts on here. | 0:41:49 | 0:41:53 | |
What I'm going to go for is a flag. | 0:41:53 | 0:41:55 | |
I already have a Union Jack on the roof. | 0:41:55 | 0:41:58 | |
If I put Indian flag on the bonnet, | 0:41:58 | 0:42:00 | |
it's kind of the two brought together on one iconic symbol of Britishness. | 0:42:00 | 0:42:05 | |
It's like a hands across the ocean, but it's hands across the windscreen. | 0:42:05 | 0:42:09 | |
That is good, that is good. Nice. Look at that. | 0:42:11 | 0:42:16 | |
Yee ha! | 0:42:17 | 0:42:18 | |
It's good? Good? | 0:42:19 | 0:42:21 | |
-You like a flock wallpaper? -BOYS: Yes, yes. | 0:42:21 | 0:42:24 | |
There's a design in the middle which is... Oh, it'll be something like an eagley thing. | 0:42:27 | 0:42:32 | |
Eventually, I was done, so I went to join Jeremy. | 0:42:35 | 0:42:39 | |
DRUMS PLAY | 0:42:39 | 0:42:40 | |
-Loving your shirt. -Loving your boob tube. | 0:42:45 | 0:42:48 | |
It's a crop top is what it is, and this is...? | 0:42:48 | 0:42:53 | |
That's for Anglo-Indian relations. | 0:42:53 | 0:42:55 | |
-That's the British flag. -Yeah, and the...? -That is the Indian flag. | 0:42:55 | 0:42:59 | |
But the whole car is Ganesh themed. | 0:42:59 | 0:43:01 | |
-Ganesh being this elephant god? -Yes. | 0:43:01 | 0:43:04 | |
They have an expression, "We're doing a Ganesh", | 0:43:04 | 0:43:07 | |
meaning making sure something starts auspiciously. I've got more elephant themes inside. | 0:43:07 | 0:43:11 | |
-Have you gone mental? -No. | 0:43:11 | 0:43:13 | |
Oh, I'll just light my joss stick. Get a smell of this. | 0:43:13 | 0:43:16 | |
-Now, you see, that's weed! -No, it's not! | 0:43:18 | 0:43:21 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:43:21 | 0:43:23 | |
Well, I have to say... No, credit where credit's due. | 0:43:23 | 0:43:26 | |
YOU don't deserve any. | 0:43:26 | 0:43:28 | |
But wait until you see what I've done to the Jag. | 0:43:28 | 0:43:31 | |
-First of all, the flock effect racing stripe. -Like that. | 0:43:31 | 0:43:35 | |
But this is genius. | 0:43:35 | 0:43:37 | |
At some point on this trip, Hammond's Bombay doors are going to break. | 0:43:37 | 0:43:41 | |
We'll be stuck in the middle of nowhere | 0:43:41 | 0:43:44 | |
and he is going to beg me for use of this. | 0:43:44 | 0:43:47 | |
-What I've done in there... -Well, I... -No, it's like an ice bucket. | 0:43:50 | 0:43:53 | |
You fill it up with chemicals. | 0:43:53 | 0:43:55 | |
This is the best thing I've ever seen fitted to a car in India. | 0:43:57 | 0:44:01 | |
Everybody who comes here gets the trots. | 0:44:01 | 0:44:05 | |
Yeah. And you've got... | 0:44:05 | 0:44:06 | |
-No, it's very good. The thinking is terrific. -I've also tuned my badge | 0:44:08 | 0:44:12 | |
to match the temperatures I'm experiencing in the car. | 0:44:12 | 0:44:15 | |
-It's an Aga. -I've taken the "J", the "U" and the "R" out | 0:44:15 | 0:44:18 | |
and we're left with "Aga", which is what it is. | 0:44:18 | 0:44:21 | |
'At that moment, Rolf Harris arrived.' | 0:44:21 | 0:44:24 | |
What have you been doing? | 0:44:24 | 0:44:25 | |
Craftsmanship takes time. Indian flag, Union Jack. | 0:44:26 | 0:44:31 | |
You see? It's a symbol of British craftsmanship and ingenuity brought together. It's all there. | 0:44:31 | 0:44:36 | |
-I'm pretty certain that's not an Indian flag. -It is. | 0:44:36 | 0:44:41 | |
There's a green, a white and a red-orange stripe. I didn't do the red-orange because... | 0:44:41 | 0:44:45 | |
I think that's in Indian one and the stripes go HORIZONTAL. | 0:44:45 | 0:44:49 | |
-You'd recognise a Union Jack if it was that way. -HORIZONTAL. | 0:44:49 | 0:44:53 | |
-You're looking at it from this side. -Hold on a minute. | 0:44:53 | 0:44:56 | |
-You've got one there. -It's a grapefruit in the middle. | 0:44:56 | 0:44:59 | |
-It's segmented. -Would you agree that what he's done is that flag? | 0:44:59 | 0:45:04 | |
-Yes, near enough. -Would you like to know what country that is the flag of? | 0:45:04 | 0:45:09 | |
THEY LAUGH | 0:45:10 | 0:45:12 | |
Of all the countries YOU in particular could have selected, | 0:45:14 | 0:45:19 | |
what you've done, Richard Hammond, is paint on your Mini | 0:45:19 | 0:45:22 | |
the flag of Mexico. | 0:45:22 | 0:45:26 | |
-God, I haven't, have I? -You have. | 0:45:26 | 0:45:28 | |
Maybe you should put a piece of lemon in the fuel filler neck, | 0:45:31 | 0:45:34 | |
-see if it makes it go better. -THEY CONTINUE TO LAUGH | 0:45:34 | 0:45:37 | |
It was now time to head north to Delhi, | 0:45:40 | 0:45:43 | |
to host our important ambassadorial trade reception. | 0:45:43 | 0:45:46 | |
However, at that moment, James had something more pressing on his mind. | 0:45:46 | 0:45:52 | |
Hang on a minute. Hang on a minute. It's very hot in here and you two, | 0:45:52 | 0:45:56 | |
I left you two with my car yesterday when I was in the tuk tuk. | 0:45:56 | 0:46:00 | |
-Oh, dear. -You've interfered with my air conditioning. | 0:46:00 | 0:46:04 | |
-It's coming out red hot. -'You took it off the train! | 0:46:04 | 0:46:07 | |
'How can we mess with something that you told us was already broken?' | 0:46:07 | 0:46:11 | |
Yes, but it WAS working and now it isn't. | 0:46:11 | 0:46:14 | |
-Ha! -'You've been fiddling with it.' | 0:46:14 | 0:46:17 | |
So you're now saying it WAS working and now it isn't working? | 0:46:17 | 0:46:21 | |
Yes, I was lying about it not working. It works perfectly well, | 0:46:21 | 0:46:24 | |
I was just keen for you two not to start messing around with it. | 0:46:24 | 0:46:27 | |
'Have you messed around with it?' | 0:46:27 | 0:46:29 | |
Well, in the spirit of new-found honesty, yes, | 0:46:29 | 0:46:32 | |
we ruined your air conditioning. | 0:46:32 | 0:46:35 | |
Well, what was the bloody point of that, you idiot?! | 0:46:35 | 0:46:38 | |
Gandhi made us do it. | 0:46:38 | 0:46:40 | |
What a pair of morons. That's all they can do, break something. | 0:46:41 | 0:46:45 | |
They can't make anything or mend anything, just break stuff. | 0:46:45 | 0:46:49 | |
It's the ruin of Britain. | 0:46:50 | 0:46:52 | |
The journey to Delhi would give us our first taste | 0:46:54 | 0:46:58 | |
of life on provincial Indian highways. | 0:46:58 | 0:47:00 | |
An experience which, we'd been told, would be terrifying. | 0:47:00 | 0:47:04 | |
Let me give you some alarming statistics. | 0:47:09 | 0:47:11 | |
Throughout India, there are now 74 million vehicles, | 0:47:11 | 0:47:15 | |
roughly twice what we have in the UK. | 0:47:15 | 0:47:18 | |
So you'd expect the death rate to be twice as high. It isn't. | 0:47:18 | 0:47:22 | |
In Britain, around about 3,000 people a year are killed on the roads. | 0:47:22 | 0:47:26 | |
Last year in India, it was 196,000. | 0:47:26 | 0:47:30 | |
That's 22 an hour. | 0:47:30 | 0:47:32 | |
This country has the most dangerous roads in the world. | 0:47:36 | 0:47:40 | |
And they get worse at night. | 0:47:40 | 0:47:41 | |
This was a problem for us, | 0:47:42 | 0:47:45 | |
because as night fell, our overnight hold was still 80 miles away. | 0:47:45 | 0:47:49 | |
And we were on the most dangerous kind of road - a dual carriageway. | 0:47:49 | 0:47:55 | |
HORNS BLARE | 0:47:57 | 0:48:01 | |
Jesus Christ, that car's going on the wrong side of the road. | 0:48:01 | 0:48:05 | |
Unlit tractor up ahead, chaps. | 0:48:07 | 0:48:09 | |
That's completely unlit. | 0:48:13 | 0:48:15 | |
An unlit wide-load in the dark on an unlit road. | 0:48:15 | 0:48:19 | |
Oh, a man on the road. God! | 0:48:21 | 0:48:24 | |
Oh, this is tight. Oh. | 0:48:26 | 0:48:29 | |
Oh. | 0:48:30 | 0:48:32 | |
Oh, that was scary. | 0:48:32 | 0:48:33 | |
-Bloody hell! -HORN BLARE | 0:48:35 | 0:48:37 | |
You know in England, when a child is badly behaved, the mother says | 0:48:37 | 0:48:40 | |
"Your father will be very cross with you when he gets home"? | 0:48:40 | 0:48:43 | |
Here, it's different. It's, "Your father will be very cross with you | 0:48:43 | 0:48:47 | |
"IF he gets home." | 0:48:47 | 0:48:48 | |
Oh, God. Oh, God! | 0:48:50 | 0:48:52 | |
Jesus, look at that. | 0:48:56 | 0:48:57 | |
I mean, Ganesh, look at that. | 0:49:01 | 0:49:02 | |
Blinded. Yep, can't see a thing. | 0:49:04 | 0:49:08 | |
That lorry's very close. | 0:49:10 | 0:49:12 | |
TYRES SCREECH | 0:49:12 | 0:49:14 | |
BLEEP | 0:49:14 | 0:49:17 | |
"Road narrows for no obvious reason." | 0:49:17 | 0:49:19 | |
Oh, strewth! | 0:49:21 | 0:49:22 | |
Two nerve-jangling hours later, | 0:49:25 | 0:49:27 | |
we arrived at the town where we'd be staying the night. | 0:49:27 | 0:49:30 | |
And as we refuelled, I took my revenge. | 0:49:30 | 0:49:33 | |
Funny. Very funny. | 0:49:45 | 0:49:47 | |
Er, what James has done is turned my heater up to full, | 0:49:47 | 0:49:51 | |
and then removed the heater knob so I can't turn it back down again. | 0:49:51 | 0:49:56 | |
What a monumental bell-end he is. | 0:49:56 | 0:50:00 | |
The next morning, the dual carriageway madness continued. | 0:50:04 | 0:50:08 | |
Only now, we could actually see what was going to kill us. | 0:50:09 | 0:50:13 | |
Oh, God, now look. | 0:50:15 | 0:50:17 | |
Holy moly. | 0:50:18 | 0:50:20 | |
The man here just got out of his lorry in the middle of the road. | 0:50:23 | 0:50:26 | |
Whoa! | 0:50:26 | 0:50:28 | |
-HORNS BLARE -Oh! | 0:50:31 | 0:50:33 | |
I wonder how much else we missed last night. | 0:50:34 | 0:50:37 | |
What else was going on that we never saw? | 0:50:37 | 0:50:40 | |
So the Allegro survived the night by the looks of things | 0:50:43 | 0:50:47 | |
and is still with us, with a very miserable-looking producer at the helm. | 0:50:47 | 0:50:50 | |
Serves him right for having no faith | 0:50:50 | 0:50:53 | |
in these magnificent British cars that we've chosen. | 0:50:53 | 0:50:56 | |
James, is your car giving the slightest indication | 0:50:56 | 0:51:00 | |
it might go wrong? | 0:51:00 | 0:51:03 | |
-No. Situation update. -HE HONKS HORN | 0:51:03 | 0:51:06 | |
Oil level and coolant temperature good. | 0:51:06 | 0:51:09 | |
Everything working. Engine is as sweet as a nut. | 0:51:09 | 0:51:11 | |
My karma is very good. | 0:51:11 | 0:51:14 | |
'And at the next fuel stop, his karma got even better, | 0:51:16 | 0:51:19 | |
'as he turned his special revenge gun on Hammond.' | 0:51:19 | 0:51:23 | |
James... The seat is stuck forwards, James. | 0:51:33 | 0:51:36 | |
Have you missed with the seat in my car? | 0:51:36 | 0:51:39 | |
Might have done. | 0:51:39 | 0:51:40 | |
-Where have you put my knob? -I've forgotten. | 0:51:42 | 0:51:45 | |
It's so hot in there. Look. | 0:51:45 | 0:51:47 | |
My tablecloth has leaked dye into my shirt. | 0:51:47 | 0:51:50 | |
'Several hours later, we arrived in Delhi, | 0:51:54 | 0:51:57 | |
'where I decided to have an accident.' | 0:51:57 | 0:52:00 | |
O...K! | 0:52:00 | 0:52:02 | |
'Sadly, there was no time to worry about this small crash, | 0:52:02 | 0:52:06 | |
'because that night, we were hosting our trade reception.' | 0:52:06 | 0:52:09 | |
It's very obvious that this is the right place for our party. | 0:52:11 | 0:52:14 | |
Lots of rich, influential people behind these high walls and hedges. | 0:52:14 | 0:52:19 | |
We will do well here. | 0:52:20 | 0:52:21 | |
After a quick freshen up, we arrived at the location for our party - | 0:52:25 | 0:52:29 | |
an exclusive house in the select embassy district. | 0:52:29 | 0:52:33 | |
-Brilliant, look at this. -It's good, isn't it? -This is fantastic. | 0:52:33 | 0:52:37 | |
Our guests would be arriving in just a few hours, | 0:52:38 | 0:52:41 | |
so James started to build the catering tent, | 0:52:41 | 0:52:44 | |
I washed the cars and Hammond took charge of decorating the marquee. | 0:52:44 | 0:52:49 | |
Gather round. | 0:52:49 | 0:52:50 | |
What we need to do is make this the colours of the Union Jack, | 0:52:50 | 0:52:53 | |
British flag, so I brought some red, white and blue cloth with me | 0:52:53 | 0:52:56 | |
so we can decorate it. | 0:52:56 | 0:52:58 | |
So to your posts for now and I'll work out a plan. | 0:52:58 | 0:53:01 | |
If you each go and stand with one of these. Yes. | 0:53:01 | 0:53:05 | |
Anybody speak English? | 0:53:09 | 0:53:11 | |
Good. | 0:53:14 | 0:53:16 | |
ENGINE REVS | 0:53:16 | 0:53:18 | |
I'm getting them in a fan shape, James. | 0:53:23 | 0:53:25 | |
No, that's OK, like that, yeah. Keep going. | 0:53:25 | 0:53:28 | |
OK. | 0:53:28 | 0:53:30 | |
We'll have do untie it and start again. | 0:53:35 | 0:53:37 | |
This setback meant James would have to start his cooking al fresco. | 0:53:37 | 0:53:42 | |
Tonight's dish is a signature British dish, | 0:53:43 | 0:53:46 | |
but celebrates our relationship with India, particularly our love of spices. | 0:53:46 | 0:53:49 | |
It is, obviously, coronation chicken. | 0:53:49 | 0:53:53 | |
And the ingredients are chicken and coronation. | 0:53:53 | 0:53:55 | |
To make the coronation, you start with a bowl and some salad cream. | 0:53:55 | 0:53:59 | |
-So you've got salad cream chicken, basically? -And spices. | 0:53:59 | 0:54:03 | |
-Why have you got digestive biscuits? -It's going to be served on them. | 0:54:03 | 0:54:06 | |
-That's the stupidest idea... -Why don't you go and wash the cars? | 0:54:06 | 0:54:10 | |
-I've washed them. -You haven't. | 0:54:10 | 0:54:11 | |
I can see that it's still dirty and still says "penis" on the bonnet. | 0:54:11 | 0:54:15 | |
-I squirted them with water. -That's not good enough. | 0:54:15 | 0:54:18 | |
We're using Madras curry powder from the Midlands. | 0:54:18 | 0:54:21 | |
Sprinkle that on... | 0:54:21 | 0:54:22 | |
-Salad cream and curry powder is what it is? -Pretty much. | 0:54:22 | 0:54:25 | |
It's got sultanas... | 0:54:25 | 0:54:26 | |
Go and wash the cars. Go and wash the cars. | 0:54:27 | 0:54:30 | |
Now they're having a water fight. Gentlemen! | 0:54:30 | 0:54:34 | |
-Once James had finished his recipe... -Coronation chicken, madam? | 0:54:36 | 0:54:39 | |
..he went into town to buy fireworks, leaving me alone with the orang-utan. | 0:54:39 | 0:54:45 | |
This is magnificently brilliant. | 0:54:45 | 0:54:48 | |
I think the guests are going to just adore having a go in this. | 0:54:48 | 0:54:53 | |
A bit of tweed action going on. THUD | 0:54:53 | 0:54:56 | |
Oh, no! | 0:54:58 | 0:55:00 | |
Oh, my God. | 0:55:01 | 0:55:04 | |
'Between us, we worked out that James was going to notice.' | 0:55:04 | 0:55:08 | |
-Have you got any green paint? -No. | 0:55:08 | 0:55:10 | |
-Yes. Yes! -You have? -We've brought a load of Airfix models. -Have we? | 0:55:10 | 0:55:14 | |
Spitfire green. Yes, here we go. We can have this fixed. | 0:55:16 | 0:55:20 | |
I don't think he's got enough of his instruments painted over. | 0:55:22 | 0:55:26 | |
JEREMY LAUGHS | 0:55:28 | 0:55:31 | |
That's much better. | 0:55:31 | 0:55:32 | |
A bit later on, James returned with his fireworks, | 0:55:34 | 0:55:36 | |
which, frankly, were not what I'd had in mind. | 0:55:36 | 0:55:39 | |
James, I know you live in 1956, but the world has moved on, | 0:55:41 | 0:55:44 | |
-these are pathetic. -They'll be good. | 0:55:44 | 0:55:46 | |
-These are big as well. -They're rubbish. | 0:55:46 | 0:55:49 | |
There's a limit to the size of fireworks you can have | 0:55:49 | 0:55:51 | |
in, let's be honest, the middle of the Government area, lots of embassies, | 0:55:51 | 0:55:55 | |
on a high state of alert because of the threat of terrorism. | 0:55:55 | 0:55:58 | |
You can't let off a millennium fireworks - | 0:55:58 | 0:56:00 | |
it's a garden fireworks display. | 0:56:00 | 0:56:02 | |
-That's going to be like lighting a match. -No, it isn't. -It is. | 0:56:02 | 0:56:05 | |
'I decided to take matters in hand.' | 0:56:05 | 0:56:09 | |
OK, what you need to make a really big firework is, er... | 0:56:09 | 0:56:14 | |
a length of drainpipe, a cane, teaspoon, Sellotape, | 0:56:14 | 0:56:18 | |
sharp knife, saucer and a pair of pixellated hands, | 0:56:18 | 0:56:22 | |
so you at home can't see what I'm doing. | 0:56:22 | 0:56:25 | |
Right, you take, well, any firework. | 0:56:25 | 0:56:28 | |
Let's start with this relatively small one. | 0:56:28 | 0:56:31 | |
And you apply the sharp knife. | 0:56:31 | 0:56:33 | |
Now, being very careful not to hit the... | 0:56:33 | 0:56:36 | |
Let's not give that a name. | 0:56:36 | 0:56:38 | |
Our plan was to show our top business guests | 0:56:40 | 0:56:42 | |
some of Britain's finest products, | 0:56:42 | 0:56:45 | |
with each of us championing one particular thing. | 0:56:45 | 0:56:48 | |
James selected a superb lawnmower. | 0:56:48 | 0:56:51 | |
Oh, that is... | 0:56:53 | 0:56:55 | |
And as it winds itself up, it gets further in, that's brilliant. | 0:56:55 | 0:56:58 | |
-You know what, that is actually... -It's all right, isn't it? | 0:56:58 | 0:57:02 | |
That's a good display. | 0:57:02 | 0:57:03 | |
'I would be promoting something very close to my heart... ' | 0:57:03 | 0:57:07 | |
Hair products. | 0:57:07 | 0:57:08 | |
It's a little-known fact that we in Britain | 0:57:08 | 0:57:11 | |
are extensive producers of a huge range of hair product. | 0:57:11 | 0:57:15 | |
Nicky Clarke, she's a well-known hairdresser, I think. | 0:57:15 | 0:57:19 | |
What I'm going to do is arrange a display, but more than that - | 0:57:19 | 0:57:22 | |
in keeping with the theme, which is kind of active, actually doing stuff, | 0:57:22 | 0:57:25 | |
I'm going to style myself and turn myself into a walking, | 0:57:25 | 0:57:28 | |
moving billboard. | 0:57:28 | 0:57:30 | |
You need to be able to remove, | 0:57:30 | 0:57:33 | |
from in here, all of the stuff that looks a bit like it could belong | 0:57:33 | 0:57:38 | |
in a fondue set, but isn't really the same. | 0:57:38 | 0:57:42 | |
By the time James had got his lawnmower under control, | 0:58:00 | 0:58:04 | |
Jeremy had completed his cruise missile. | 0:58:04 | 0:58:07 | |
Here we are. | 0:58:07 | 0:58:08 | |
The finished product. | 0:58:08 | 0:58:10 | |
My giant firework, with stick, with prong on the end, | 0:58:10 | 0:58:15 | |
ready to be launched. | 0:58:15 | 0:58:17 | |
With that done, I was free to break out the product I'd be promoting, | 0:58:18 | 0:58:21 | |
the Corby trouser press, which I believed could perform | 0:58:21 | 0:58:25 | |
a vital extra service for the Indian customer. | 0:58:25 | 0:58:29 | |
-The Corby naan-press. -There it is. | 0:58:29 | 0:58:32 | |
-Is it hot? -Ooh, ah! | 0:58:32 | 0:58:34 | |
-Mmm. That is good. -Mm. | 0:58:36 | 0:58:39 | |
With the preparations complete, | 0:58:41 | 0:58:42 | |
it was time to smarten ourselves up and greet our VIP guests. | 0:58:42 | 0:58:47 | |
How'd you do? Barley water, Tizer, English wine, coronation chicken. | 0:58:49 | 0:58:53 | |
You do the wine, I'll go around with coronation chicken. | 0:58:55 | 0:58:58 | |
'Meanwhile, Richard was in charge of valet parking.' | 0:58:58 | 0:59:02 | |
Hello, welcome. | 0:59:02 | 0:59:03 | |
Right, thank you. I'm going to put this somewhere prominent. | 0:59:03 | 0:59:06 | |
I love the paint, by the way. | 0:59:06 | 0:59:08 | |
Keys. Er... Oh, hello, that'll do. | 0:59:10 | 0:59:13 | |
It's powdered and you simply add water and you get mashed potato. | 0:59:17 | 0:59:20 | |
-I think it's better than the real thing. -Lovely. | 0:59:20 | 0:59:25 | |
Forgive me for interrupting, I brought your vegetarian option. | 0:59:25 | 0:59:28 | |
This is a sweet one - Angel Delight on a Digestive biscuit. | 0:59:28 | 0:59:31 | |
-Hello. -Hello, how are you? -I'm very well, thank you. | 0:59:31 | 0:59:34 | |
This is gentleman's relish on a water biscuit and this is Marmite. | 0:59:35 | 0:59:40 | |
Right. | 0:59:40 | 0:59:41 | |
'As darkness fell, the guests continued to arrive.' | 0:59:51 | 0:59:55 | |
If you'd like to park up there, I'll do the proper park. | 0:59:55 | 0:59:57 | |
Yours is a temporary park. I'm doing the big, actual park. | 0:59:57 | 1:00:01 | |
It's my job. Move up, if you would, sir. | 1:00:01 | 1:00:03 | |
'With the party in full swing, | 1:00:03 | 1:00:06 | |
'it was time to demonstrate our British products. | 1:00:06 | 1:00:09 | |
'Sadly, though, the lawnmower wouldn't start.' | 1:00:09 | 1:00:13 | |
Bollocks. | 1:00:13 | 1:00:15 | |
And Jeremy's diplomacy was as bad as it had been at the hill-climb. | 1:00:15 | 1:00:19 | |
This is something I think you could sell well in India. | 1:00:20 | 1:00:23 | |
Most British two or three-star hotels have these. | 1:00:23 | 1:00:27 | |
Judging by the cars that were turning up, | 1:00:28 | 1:00:31 | |
it was clear Delhi's elite had come to the party. | 1:00:31 | 1:00:33 | |
But unfortunately for Richard, they'd all arrived at once. | 1:00:33 | 1:00:37 | |
I'm your valet park... Oh, just wait there, I'm going to park your car. | 1:00:37 | 1:00:42 | |
Just don't move. | 1:00:42 | 1:00:43 | |
Hold on. Nobody park. No, where are they going? Agh! | 1:00:45 | 1:00:48 | |
I have a proper British lawnmower at home, | 1:00:48 | 1:00:51 | |
an Atco twin-clutch, but I don't actually have a lawn, | 1:00:51 | 1:00:54 | |
but it's still something that's very pleasant to own, as an artefact, | 1:00:54 | 1:00:57 | |
as an example of fine engineering, with a great engineering... | 1:00:57 | 1:01:00 | |
'So, James was boring everyone to death, | 1:01:00 | 1:01:05 | |
'half the world's mosquitoes had arrived, | 1:01:05 | 1:01:08 | |
'my parking system was in disarray...' | 1:01:08 | 1:01:10 | |
Just one second. I just... Don't go. | 1:01:10 | 1:01:13 | |
'..and Jeremy was still being a diplomatic nightmare.' | 1:01:13 | 1:01:17 | |
I could arrive at your house, do my business, | 1:01:17 | 1:01:19 | |
and then come and see you without doing it all over your kitchen floor. | 1:01:19 | 1:01:23 | |
'Plainly, it was time to get the Top Gear band on stage.' | 1:01:24 | 1:01:28 | |
-OFF-KEY: -# Don't carry the world | 1:01:28 | 1:01:32 | |
# Across your shoulder | 1:01:32 | 1:01:34 | |
# Na na na la-la | 1:01:36 | 1:01:38 | |
-# La la la -And... | 1:01:38 | 1:01:41 | |
# Na na-na | 1:01:41 | 1:01:44 | |
# Na-na-na na | 1:01:44 | 1:01:46 | |
# Na-na-na na | 1:01:47 | 1:01:48 | |
# Hey, Jude | 1:01:49 | 1:01:51 | |
MUSIC PETERS OUT | 1:01:51 | 1:01:52 | |
For some reason, the crowd wasn't warming to us, | 1:01:52 | 1:01:56 | |
so I decided to set off my firework. | 1:01:56 | 1:01:59 | |
# Hey, Jude | 1:02:01 | 1:02:02 | |
# Hey, Jude. # | 1:02:02 | 1:02:03 | |
WHOOSHING | 1:02:03 | 1:02:05 | |
EXPLOSION, GLASS SHATTERS | 1:02:05 | 1:02:07 | |
ALARM SOUNDS | 1:02:07 | 1:02:09 | |
Strangely, the guests took this massive explosion as a cue to leave, | 1:02:10 | 1:02:16 | |
but that was harder than they thought. | 1:02:16 | 1:02:18 | |
-This one? -It's not that one. | 1:02:22 | 1:02:25 | |
The next morning, we had to face the fact | 1:02:30 | 1:02:32 | |
that our party had been a disaster. | 1:02:32 | 1:02:35 | |
But it had been even worse than that for Hammond. | 1:02:35 | 1:02:38 | |
-Just tell me what happened. -A very tall, willowy Indian girl | 1:02:38 | 1:02:42 | |
wanted her photograph taken with me, so she stood next to me. | 1:02:42 | 1:02:46 | |
-Yeah, yeah? -And just as a man was about to take the picture on a phone, | 1:02:46 | 1:02:49 | |
a small creature, an insect - a fly, perhaps - | 1:02:49 | 1:02:52 | |
bit sharply into my right teste. | 1:02:52 | 1:02:54 | |
-Through your trousers? -I imagine it went up the leg. | 1:02:54 | 1:02:57 | |
-Well, it's not a long journey. -That's a long way, this is... | 1:02:57 | 1:03:00 | |
Crawled all the way up to bite you... | 1:03:00 | 1:03:02 | |
It chose that moment... "Yes, of course...agh!" | 1:03:02 | 1:03:05 | |
-I couldn't... -That's flat out. Look at it. | 1:03:05 | 1:03:07 | |
So it's... | 1:03:07 | 1:03:09 | |
So he's got an out-of-control lawnmower, | 1:03:09 | 1:03:12 | |
-you have... -A sore plum. -..a sore plum. | 1:03:12 | 1:03:14 | |
I think it's now time to leave the city, to leave Delhi, | 1:03:14 | 1:03:18 | |
and get on with our countryside mission. | 1:03:18 | 1:03:21 | |
We decided to head even further north, into the Himalayas, | 1:03:23 | 1:03:26 | |
where our cars would be faced with rough roads and mountainous terrain. | 1:03:26 | 1:03:30 | |
So, to prepare them for this, we found a workshop - | 1:03:30 | 1:03:34 | |
and cue the music. | 1:03:34 | 1:03:37 | |
MUSIC: Theme from "The A-Team" | 1:03:37 | 1:03:41 | |
That's what I'm talking about. | 1:03:53 | 1:03:55 | |
LOUD RASPING HUM | 1:04:10 | 1:04:12 | |
OK, what I've done to the Jag is... | 1:04:14 | 1:04:17 | |
is ruin it comprehensively. | 1:04:17 | 1:04:19 | |
'I'd fitted much chunkier tyres, which had meant messing around with the suspension, | 1:04:19 | 1:04:24 | |
'and this had had a dramatic effect.' | 1:04:24 | 1:04:27 | |
The ride is now intolerable, | 1:04:27 | 1:04:29 | |
the tyres are catching on the arches, as you can hear. | 1:04:29 | 1:04:33 | |
The noise is simply unbearable, | 1:04:33 | 1:04:36 | |
the braking is now very poor, the rev counter has broken, | 1:04:36 | 1:04:39 | |
BUT on the upside, though, | 1:04:39 | 1:04:41 | |
because the exhaust now goes straight out of the bonnet | 1:04:41 | 1:04:44 | |
rather than under the car, I have much more ground clearance, | 1:04:44 | 1:04:48 | |
about that much more. | 1:04:48 | 1:04:49 | |
-HUMMING -Oh! Ho, ho, ho! | 1:04:51 | 1:04:54 | |
James had also fiddled with his suspension | 1:04:55 | 1:04:59 | |
to accommodate the chunkier rubber. | 1:04:59 | 1:05:01 | |
And he too had made a complete mess of it. | 1:05:01 | 1:05:03 | |
Oh, God! | 1:05:05 | 1:05:07 | |
I've ruined everything. | 1:05:08 | 1:05:11 | |
There's no point trying to say anything intelligent, it's just too noisy. | 1:05:11 | 1:05:15 | |
That is quite a noise, isn't it? HE LAUGHS | 1:05:22 | 1:05:24 | |
My car is fine, | 1:05:26 | 1:05:28 | |
because I haven't modified or messed about with it. | 1:05:28 | 1:05:32 | |
I put it on some new tyres - that's not modification, | 1:05:32 | 1:05:35 | |
that's something you do. I put it on rally tyres, just in case. | 1:05:35 | 1:05:39 | |
I have fitted a sump guard to protect the underside if it bottoms out, | 1:05:39 | 1:05:42 | |
and the winch - that's not for me, | 1:05:42 | 1:05:44 | |
that's to rescue those two idiots WHEN they get stuck, | 1:05:44 | 1:05:47 | |
which they will. That's it. | 1:05:47 | 1:05:48 | |
The overnight hold is 198 miles away. | 1:05:51 | 1:05:56 | |
No! | 1:05:57 | 1:05:59 | |
'James and I spent the next hour arguing about whose car was worse.' | 1:06:03 | 1:06:07 | |
Can you not feel those rear tyres? | 1:06:07 | 1:06:09 | |
'So, after a typically Indian fuel stop...' | 1:06:09 | 1:06:12 | |
-Argh! -SNAKE HISSES | 1:06:12 | 1:06:14 | |
No, don't be silly. | 1:06:14 | 1:06:16 | |
'..we decided to swap.' | 1:06:16 | 1:06:18 | |
What a shocking racket! | 1:06:21 | 1:06:23 | |
LOUD THUMPING AND HUMMING | 1:06:23 | 1:06:25 | |
Oh, my God! | 1:06:31 | 1:06:33 | |
I've just tried to go above 50. | 1:06:35 | 1:06:37 | |
Jeremy, you're on fire. | 1:06:37 | 1:06:40 | |
There is smoke, isn't there, coming from the Rolls? | 1:06:40 | 1:06:43 | |
No, it's coming off the tyre. | 1:06:43 | 1:06:45 | |
Oh, James, you can have this back now. | 1:06:45 | 1:06:48 | |
It's frightening. | 1:06:48 | 1:06:49 | |
I'm really sorry, Mr Cameron. | 1:06:50 | 1:06:52 | |
Thanks to those two, our trade mission is in tatters. | 1:06:52 | 1:06:57 | |
Back in the Jag, I decided to use my new PA system | 1:06:58 | 1:07:01 | |
to give Hammond some noises HE wouldn't enjoy. | 1:07:01 | 1:07:05 | |
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)" by Genesis | 1:07:05 | 1:07:09 | |
-Oh... -Genesis, Hammond, I know you like it. | 1:07:09 | 1:07:13 | |
It's that song. | 1:07:13 | 1:07:15 | |
Ah! I hate that bit. | 1:07:21 | 1:07:23 | |
It's that bit! | 1:07:24 | 1:07:26 | |
With my straight through exhaust, I've more power, | 1:07:29 | 1:07:31 | |
so I don't think you can outrun my Genesis concept solution. | 1:07:31 | 1:07:35 | |
'In the next town I stopped annoying Hammond | 1:07:39 | 1:07:42 | |
'and used my PA system to fly the flag little bit.' | 1:07:42 | 1:07:45 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 1:07:45 | 1:07:47 | |
Are you watching this, Mr Cameron? This is how you run a trade mission. | 1:07:50 | 1:07:53 | |
People of India, call me trouser presses, | 1:07:53 | 1:07:58 | |
curries, | 1:07:58 | 1:08:00 | |
armour jackets, these are the things you need. | 1:08:00 | 1:08:02 | |
As we ride into town in our convoy of excellent British cars... | 1:08:02 | 1:08:08 | |
Whoa! | 1:08:08 | 1:08:09 | |
HORNS BLARE | 1:08:09 | 1:08:11 | |
Whoops-a-daisy. | 1:08:11 | 1:08:13 | |
Oh, dear. | 1:08:15 | 1:08:17 | |
-It's taken the tyre off. -Oh... -We'll get it over there. | 1:08:17 | 1:08:20 | |
You, come with us. | 1:08:20 | 1:08:22 | |
You can't go... | 1:08:33 | 1:08:36 | |
Where are you going? You can't just smash somebody's car up. | 1:08:36 | 1:08:41 | |
We're on a very important mission to try | 1:08:41 | 1:08:44 | |
and save our country from bankruptcy, and now look. | 1:08:44 | 1:08:47 | |
Now he's just driving off! | 1:08:48 | 1:08:51 | |
He's gone. He's just gone. | 1:08:54 | 1:08:56 | |
'We were becoming bored with Jeremy crashing into the locals, | 1:08:59 | 1:09:04 | |
-'so we left him to it.' -See you soon. | 1:09:04 | 1:09:07 | |
Buy British whenever possible. | 1:09:07 | 1:09:09 | |
Soon, though, we were reunited and in the foothills of the Himalayas. | 1:09:12 | 1:09:17 | |
Nice drive, this. If I had proper wheels and tyres on the car, it would be even nicer. | 1:09:22 | 1:09:27 | |
Oh, blinding majesty, natural beauty. It's all there. | 1:09:34 | 1:09:38 | |
This is beautiful. | 1:09:41 | 1:09:43 | |
'For the first time since we arrived in India, | 1:09:43 | 1:09:46 | |
'there was a bit of peace and quiet.' | 1:09:46 | 1:09:48 | |
BLOWING EXHAUST | 1:09:48 | 1:09:50 | |
Oh! | 1:09:50 | 1:09:51 | |
Clarkson, do bugger off. | 1:09:53 | 1:09:54 | |
Monkey, monkey, monkey with MASSIVE testicles! | 1:09:57 | 1:10:01 | |
'As night fell, we came across a village fete.' | 1:10:03 | 1:10:08 | |
'Everyone was doing business, so I ramped up the PA.' | 1:10:13 | 1:10:17 | |
MUSIC PLAYS | 1:10:17 | 1:10:19 | |
The British are back... I mean here. | 1:10:20 | 1:10:22 | |
'And we stopped to promote our themes.' | 1:10:24 | 1:10:27 | |
And now, if I can demonstrate, with this piece of garland. | 1:10:27 | 1:10:30 | |
Your lawn, grown too long. | 1:10:30 | 1:10:33 | |
Engage the lawnmower. | 1:10:33 | 1:10:36 | |
It is simply blown away. Like that. We'll work on that... | 1:10:36 | 1:10:39 | |
'Nobody was very interested. | 1:10:39 | 1:10:43 | |
'So, at the hotel that night, to cheer ourselves up, | 1:10:43 | 1:10:45 | |
'Hammond and I decided to improve May's Rolls.' | 1:10:45 | 1:10:49 | |
-What are you doing? -Thread that through his car. | 1:10:50 | 1:10:53 | |
To the horn, in such a way.... Go and find the horn. | 1:10:53 | 1:10:55 | |
Through the back seat. Don't knock my beer over. | 1:10:55 | 1:10:58 | |
I'm not going to knock your beer over! | 1:10:58 | 1:11:00 | |
'The next morning we woke up in Switzerland. | 1:11:04 | 1:11:07 | |
'Only this was taller and warmer and better in every way. | 1:11:09 | 1:11:13 | |
'It was also more peaceful as I had fitted some silencers to my Jag.' | 1:11:15 | 1:11:19 | |
On the upside, my new exhaust system is much quieter than before. | 1:11:23 | 1:11:27 | |
On the downside, it's making a really annoying, jangling sound | 1:11:27 | 1:11:31 | |
and I can't see where I'm going. | 1:11:31 | 1:11:33 | |
Still, it could be worse. | 1:11:34 | 1:11:36 | |
HORN BLARES | 1:11:36 | 1:11:38 | |
HORN BLARES AGAIN | 1:11:38 | 1:11:41 | |
-Hammond? -Yes! | 1:11:41 | 1:11:43 | |
Can you hear a blowing noise? | 1:11:44 | 1:11:48 | |
Oh, for God's sake! | 1:11:48 | 1:11:50 | |
THEY LAUGH | 1:11:50 | 1:11:53 | |
'What's the matter?' | 1:11:54 | 1:11:56 | |
Well, I suspect you know, but I'll explain it to you anyway - braking sounds the horn. | 1:11:56 | 1:12:01 | |
HORN BLARES REPEATEDLY | 1:12:02 | 1:12:05 | |
They've given me an interesting game now - try to avoid braking. | 1:12:05 | 1:12:10 | |
HORN BLARES | 1:12:10 | 1:12:12 | |
'We continued onwards, determined to take our trade mission | 1:12:14 | 1:12:18 | |
'into the heart of the Himalayas. | 1:12:18 | 1:12:20 | |
'But the further north we went, the fewer people there were.' | 1:12:21 | 1:12:25 | |
HORN BLARES | 1:12:26 | 1:12:27 | |
'By mid-morning, the only business that had been done involved Richard, buying a traditional local hat.' | 1:12:28 | 1:12:35 | |
Oh! | 1:12:35 | 1:12:36 | |
'So, we kept on climbing.' | 1:12:39 | 1:12:41 | |
This is the road to China. | 1:12:43 | 1:12:45 | |
Tibet. Can I say Tibet? | 1:12:45 | 1:12:47 | |
I'm not sure what the politically correct way of saying that is. | 1:12:47 | 1:12:52 | |
Doubtless the BBC has some ancient way of saying it. | 1:12:52 | 1:12:55 | |
We're at 12,000 feet. | 1:12:59 | 1:13:02 | |
One hell of a drop on the right. | 1:13:02 | 1:13:03 | |
It's OK because there's a big row of pebbles to stop me going over. | 1:13:05 | 1:13:10 | |
On the plus side, though, at this height, the views were staggering. | 1:13:14 | 1:13:19 | |
Oh, oh! | 1:13:20 | 1:13:22 | |
This is...something else. | 1:13:22 | 1:13:24 | |
That stays with you for ever. | 1:13:28 | 1:13:31 | |
Utterly beautiful. | 1:13:31 | 1:13:33 | |
I know just the song that will match the moment. | 1:13:34 | 1:13:37 | |
No, it won't. | 1:13:37 | 1:13:39 | |
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe)" by Genesis | 1:13:39 | 1:13:44 | |
Oh, God! | 1:13:44 | 1:13:46 | |
'The magnificence of our surroundings was all well and good, | 1:13:48 | 1:13:52 | |
'but the views weren't translating into business for Britain.' | 1:13:52 | 1:13:56 | |
This has a last frontier feel to it, this does. I hope it isn't. | 1:13:56 | 1:14:00 | |
Not much call for trouser presses or lawnmowers here, | 1:14:00 | 1:14:04 | |
or hair products, if we're honest. | 1:14:04 | 1:14:06 | |
'Then, to make our lives even more difficult, the Tarmac stopped.' | 1:14:08 | 1:14:13 | |
Hammond, problems for you here - it's off-road. | 1:14:18 | 1:14:21 | |
'But Richard, besotted with his Mini, would hear none of it.' | 1:14:22 | 1:14:25 | |
I'll just keep going until Everest comes into view | 1:14:28 | 1:14:31 | |
and then deal with that. | 1:14:31 | 1:14:32 | |
Oh, that's bouncing. | 1:14:33 | 1:14:36 | |
It hops from bump to bump! HE GIGGLES | 1:14:36 | 1:14:38 | |
This is actually quite unpleasant. | 1:14:48 | 1:14:52 | |
But we must soldier on... | 1:14:52 | 1:14:54 | |
for our country. | 1:14:54 | 1:14:56 | |
The problem is that mud and rock slides | 1:15:00 | 1:15:02 | |
take this road away every few months. | 1:15:02 | 1:15:04 | |
Look, just a massive rock slide there has ruined the road. | 1:15:04 | 1:15:12 | |
'The locals use dynamite to clear away the debris.' | 1:15:12 | 1:15:14 | |
EXPLOSION | 1:15:14 | 1:15:16 | |
'It's a losing battle and pretty soon the road ahead was blocked.' | 1:15:21 | 1:15:26 | |
'Thanking our lucky stars, we'd had the sense to modify our cars, | 1:15:30 | 1:15:34 | |
'we decided to bypass the blockage by using a steep cut-through. | 1:15:34 | 1:15:38 | |
'Hammond elected to go first in his beloved Mini.' | 1:15:38 | 1:15:42 | |
Wind that baby up. | 1:15:44 | 1:15:45 | |
Come on, little Mini. | 1:15:45 | 1:15:47 | |
Go on! There you go. Yeah! | 1:15:49 | 1:15:51 | |
'Next, it was the turn of the Jag.' | 1:15:55 | 1:15:58 | |
Oh, come on, you can do this! | 1:16:01 | 1:16:04 | |
Go, go, go! | 1:16:05 | 1:16:08 | |
You brilliant car! | 1:16:08 | 1:16:11 | |
'Finally, it was George Harrison's go.' | 1:16:11 | 1:16:14 | |
Lord Ganesh, make my climb auspicious. | 1:16:14 | 1:16:18 | |
Here we go. | 1:16:18 | 1:16:19 | |
Oh, no! So close! | 1:16:33 | 1:16:36 | |
-It looked very good for a moment. -It DID look very good. | 1:16:37 | 1:16:40 | |
How much does that weigh, James? | 1:16:41 | 1:16:44 | |
2.2 tonnes. | 1:16:44 | 1:16:46 | |
2.2 tonnes of Rolls-Royce. | 1:16:46 | 1:16:48 | |
Off-roading. | 1:16:48 | 1:16:51 | |
-Now, rock it out. -ENGINE REVS | 1:16:51 | 1:16:54 | |
-Mind your feet. -This always goes well | 1:16:54 | 1:16:57 | |
when Top Gear are filming situations like this. | 1:16:57 | 1:17:00 | |
-Here we go. Go! -ENGINE REVS | 1:17:00 | 1:17:02 | |
'The Rolls wasn't going anywhere. | 1:17:02 | 1:17:05 | |
'So we decided to engage Hammond's winch.' | 1:17:05 | 1:17:08 | |
You're all right. | 1:17:09 | 1:17:10 | |
'To prevent the little Mini being winched into the Rolls-Royce, | 1:17:10 | 1:17:14 | |
'we anchored it to my Jag.' | 1:17:14 | 1:17:15 | |
I don't know what this weighs, I guess 1.8 tonnes. | 1:17:15 | 1:17:19 | |
Hammond's Mini takes it up to 2.4 tonnes. | 1:17:19 | 1:17:23 | |
Why do I always have to do manual labour at high altitude? | 1:17:23 | 1:17:28 | |
We really should chock it. | 1:17:30 | 1:17:32 | |
WINCH MOTOR STARTS | 1:17:32 | 1:17:34 | |
Stop. Stop. | 1:17:34 | 1:17:36 | |
-You're going to run your car, presumably, be ready to move. -Yeah, I'll give it the beans. | 1:17:36 | 1:17:41 | |
Right! Jeremy, give it 1,500 rpm. | 1:17:42 | 1:17:46 | |
Yes! | 1:17:46 | 1:17:47 | |
They've given me a very easy job here - keep the revs up, which I have. | 1:17:49 | 1:17:52 | |
Just taking the slack. Are we ready?! | 1:17:52 | 1:17:56 | |
Let's get it moved! Here we go now! | 1:17:56 | 1:17:59 | |
-Say when. -I'm winching it in, taking it up now, you should feel the pull. | 1:17:59 | 1:18:03 | |
Oh, yes, it's going. Here we go. | 1:18:03 | 1:18:06 | |
JAG REVS | 1:18:11 | 1:18:12 | |
-Just give it some more revs. -Here we go. -Give it some more revs. | 1:18:15 | 1:18:18 | |
You're not even spinning. | 1:18:18 | 1:18:21 | |
I don't understand winching, but I don't think that is part of it. | 1:18:21 | 1:18:25 | |
It's not moving at all! | 1:18:25 | 1:18:27 | |
-Oh, hang on a minute. -What? | 1:18:27 | 1:18:29 | |
-No, just give it some more revs! -No, stop! | 1:18:29 | 1:18:31 | |
James, you're not even trying! | 1:18:31 | 1:18:33 | |
-You're not looking, Hammond. -You're not... | 1:18:33 | 1:18:36 | |
James? | 1:19:00 | 1:19:02 | |
Hello. | 1:19:02 | 1:19:03 | |
Can you think of any way that we can cheer Hammond up? | 1:19:03 | 1:19:06 | |
Well, Genesis springs to mind. | 1:19:08 | 1:19:10 | |
I'm thinking the same thing. | 1:19:10 | 1:19:12 | |
MUSIC: "I Know What I Like" by Genesis | 1:19:12 | 1:19:17 | |
Hammond, you know in the circus, they have those clown cars | 1:19:21 | 1:19:24 | |
where various bits fall off as they go along? | 1:19:24 | 1:19:27 | |
JEREMY LAUGHS | 1:19:27 | 1:19:29 | |
I'm not replying. | 1:19:31 | 1:19:33 | |
In fact, it was quite a while before we heard from Hammond again. | 1:19:37 | 1:19:41 | |
Guys, how far away is the hotel? How many hours? | 1:19:43 | 1:19:47 | |
'Er...about two hours.' | 1:19:47 | 1:19:50 | |
It's getting dark already. | 1:19:50 | 1:19:53 | |
'It does that. | 1:19:53 | 1:19:55 | |
-'Does that nearly everywhere.' -Yeah, well, at the risk | 1:19:55 | 1:19:58 | |
of stirring up a lot of laughter, I haven't got any headlights. | 1:19:58 | 1:20:02 | |
THEY LAUGH | 1:20:02 | 1:20:05 | |
'What happened to them? | 1:20:05 | 1:20:07 | |
'Has the fuse blown?' | 1:20:07 | 1:20:09 | |
I have a suggestion. A way we could stick together and stop. | 1:20:11 | 1:20:15 | |
'What suggestion?' | 1:20:15 | 1:20:17 | |
What if we just stopped and camped? | 1:20:17 | 1:20:21 | |
'Tenting?! Here? | 1:20:21 | 1:20:23 | |
'At minus 50?!' | 1:20:23 | 1:20:26 | |
-Oh, for God's sake! -It's going dark. | 1:20:26 | 1:20:29 | |
-Very soon, I won't be able to see at all. -Hammond, we're not camping! | 1:20:29 | 1:20:35 | |
Sorry. | 1:20:39 | 1:20:41 | |
-It's nice to... -It...! | 1:20:44 | 1:20:46 | |
Kill me. | 1:20:46 | 1:20:47 | |
-All right. -I wish I was dead. | 1:20:48 | 1:20:50 | |
Hammond... | 1:20:50 | 1:20:52 | |
thanks to you... | 1:20:52 | 1:20:54 | |
and mounting your winch to your front wings, | 1:20:54 | 1:20:56 | |
like an imbecile, we're forced to live like mediaeval peasants. | 1:20:56 | 1:21:00 | |
Why can't we ever do a Christmas special one year where | 1:21:00 | 1:21:03 | |
we go from Monaco to Portofino?! | 1:21:03 | 1:21:06 | |
How luxurious can this be?! | 1:21:06 | 1:21:08 | |
I was the first to check in to a five-star hotel. As you can see, I've done it properly. | 1:21:08 | 1:21:12 | |
-A man's carrying all my bags. -Yes. -But then Jeremy arrived. -Yes. | 1:21:12 | 1:21:16 | |
Diddly dee, dee, diddly dee! "Oh, my word, Jeremy, | 1:21:16 | 1:21:18 | |
"look what you've got as your car?! | 1:21:18 | 1:21:20 | |
"It's the new Ferrari FF." | 1:21:20 | 1:21:22 | |
I wonder where Hammond is? | 1:21:22 | 1:21:25 | |
-Hammond had indeed checked into a Formule 1 in a Renault 4. -THEY LAUGH | 1:21:25 | 1:21:30 | |
The next morning, as I was finishing off my Mini repairs, | 1:21:41 | 1:21:45 | |
it was clear that Jeremy hadn't had the best of nights. | 1:21:45 | 1:21:49 | |
My pillow was just a pillowcase soaked in glacial water | 1:21:49 | 1:21:54 | |
and then filled with stones. | 1:21:54 | 1:21:56 | |
My sleeping bag broke. My blanket was see-through. | 1:21:56 | 1:21:59 | |
My body was down to a temperature hitherto unknown to science. | 1:21:59 | 1:22:03 | |
-I would have come and bludgeoned you to death last night. -But you're not moaning about it, so that's OK(!) | 1:22:03 | 1:22:08 | |
The misery of tenting wasn't our only problem, | 1:22:16 | 1:22:19 | |
because we were running out of India and it was clear, | 1:22:19 | 1:22:22 | |
looking back... | 1:22:22 | 1:22:24 | |
..that our trade mission hadn't been a success. | 1:22:26 | 1:22:29 | |
Thank you very much. | 1:22:33 | 1:22:34 | |
CRASHING | 1:22:37 | 1:22:39 | |
ALARM BLARES | 1:22:39 | 1:22:41 | |
But then, in the next valley, we came across some kids playing | 1:22:45 | 1:22:49 | |
a rudimentary version of India's most revered sport... | 1:22:49 | 1:22:53 | |
..which we decided could be improved. | 1:22:57 | 1:23:00 | |
Guys! | 1:23:00 | 1:23:01 | |
Excuse me? Guys! | 1:23:01 | 1:23:04 | |
What's this? | 1:23:04 | 1:23:07 | |
Right, you ready, Hammo? | 1:23:07 | 1:23:09 | |
-Ready?! -HE REVS THE ENGINE | 1:23:09 | 1:23:12 | |
Ohhh! | 1:23:14 | 1:23:15 | |
Ready?! | 1:23:15 | 1:23:17 | |
HE REVS THE ENGINE AGAIN | 1:23:17 | 1:23:19 | |
'And so, outside the Hillview cafe, | 1:23:22 | 1:23:25 | |
'high in the Himalayas, straight six cricket was born.' | 1:23:25 | 1:23:28 | |
-Whoa! There it comes! -Oh, very good! | 1:23:30 | 1:23:32 | |
THEY LAUGH | 1:23:32 | 1:23:34 | |
We burdened them with the misery of cricket. | 1:23:34 | 1:23:38 | |
Now, we're here to reinvent it. | 1:23:38 | 1:23:41 | |
'In fact, it was such a hit, we decided to have a Test match.' | 1:23:42 | 1:23:46 | |
This is England versus India now! | 1:23:46 | 1:23:48 | |
Our crew are going to do some fielding. | 1:23:48 | 1:23:51 | |
Good shot! | 1:23:55 | 1:23:56 | |
New bowler, everybody. James May. | 1:23:56 | 1:24:00 | |
HE REVS THE ENGINE | 1:24:00 | 1:24:02 | |
Stat! Catch it! | 1:24:03 | 1:24:05 | |
CHEERING | 1:24:05 | 1:24:07 | |
Yes! Somebody's out! Love your move! | 1:24:09 | 1:24:13 | |
Good answer! | 1:24:13 | 1:24:15 | |
'Half a tank of Jag fuel later, the match was over | 1:24:17 | 1:24:21 | |
'and India had won.' | 1:24:21 | 1:24:23 | |
You know the Ashes? | 1:24:23 | 1:24:26 | |
This is the bridge from his double bass. | 1:24:26 | 1:24:28 | |
We burn this and then we present it in an urn... | 1:24:28 | 1:24:32 | |
to you. | 1:24:32 | 1:24:34 | |
'For the first time on our trade mission, we'd got something right. | 1:24:34 | 1:24:38 | |
'In burning a bridge, we'd actually built a bridge | 1:24:39 | 1:24:43 | |
'that would become a business bridge of friendship and erm...trade.' | 1:24:43 | 1:24:48 | |
Well, there, that was quite good. | 1:24:48 | 1:24:50 | |
-Careful. They're really hot. -Hot! | 1:24:50 | 1:24:53 | |
-You have the Ashes. -You have the Ashes. Well done. See you in a year. | 1:24:53 | 1:24:57 | |
-Well done, everybody. -Back in a year! | 1:24:57 | 1:24:59 | |
We're taking them home next year! | 1:24:59 | 1:25:02 | |
There was something else that we got right on this trip... | 1:25:04 | 1:25:08 | |
..our cars. | 1:25:10 | 1:25:12 | |
This Jaguar has been... | 1:25:14 | 1:25:16 | |
..well, genuinely astonishing. | 1:25:17 | 1:25:20 | |
It really has. It's done things WAY beyond what was envisaged | 1:25:20 | 1:25:24 | |
when it was designed. | 1:25:24 | 1:25:26 | |
And really, it's been two cars - | 1:25:26 | 1:25:28 | |
in Bombay and Jaipur, | 1:25:28 | 1:25:30 | |
it was sleek and graceful and fast, | 1:25:30 | 1:25:33 | |
whereas here in the mountains, | 1:25:33 | 1:25:36 | |
it's just plain heroic. | 1:25:36 | 1:25:38 | |
I really, genuinely love this car. | 1:25:38 | 1:25:40 | |
I want an XJS in my life. | 1:25:41 | 1:25:44 | |
There's just something about it which is absolutely brilliant. | 1:25:44 | 1:25:47 | |
ENGINE REVS | 1:25:47 | 1:25:49 | |
I'm exhausted, but the old girl isn't. | 1:25:49 | 1:25:52 | |
While we're alone, viewers, I'll be honest with you, | 1:25:55 | 1:25:58 | |
I wasn't absolutely sure I'd make it in a Rolls-Royce. | 1:25:58 | 1:26:01 | |
I always knew it was a gamble. And I was nervous about it all along. | 1:26:01 | 1:26:05 | |
But look at this now - all still working perfectly. | 1:26:05 | 1:26:09 | |
And it served me well. It hasn't really done anything wrong, this car, | 1:26:10 | 1:26:13 | |
the only problems would have been ones that I created. | 1:26:13 | 1:26:16 | |
It's just remarkable. | 1:26:16 | 1:26:19 | |
One tough little puppy. | 1:26:25 | 1:26:26 | |
And it's torn its own face off and been stitched back on. | 1:26:26 | 1:26:30 | |
It's bruised, battered and scarred, but it's joyful. | 1:26:30 | 1:26:33 | |
Even now, battling itself to pieces, | 1:26:33 | 1:26:35 | |
it's a happy noise. | 1:26:35 | 1:26:37 | |
It's still willing. | 1:26:39 | 1:26:40 | |
'The truth is that these three fantastic cars have been better | 1:26:48 | 1:26:51 | |
'ambassadors for Britain than we could ever be. | 1:26:51 | 1:26:55 | |
'And that gave us an idea.' | 1:26:55 | 1:26:58 | |
This is the place. This is perfect. | 1:27:01 | 1:27:03 | |
Well, this is it. | 1:27:04 | 1:27:06 | |
Goodbye, Jag. | 1:27:07 | 1:27:09 | |
You have been an absolute star and I'm going to miss you. | 1:27:09 | 1:27:13 | |
The Mini, the Jag and the Rolls would be mounted on plinths here, | 1:27:20 | 1:27:24 | |
high in the mountains by the road connecting India and China... | 1:27:24 | 1:27:28 | |
..so that forevermore, | 1:27:30 | 1:27:31 | |
people travelling between these two great economic superpowers will be | 1:27:31 | 1:27:36 | |
reminded that far away, there's a small island called Britain... | 1:27:36 | 1:27:40 | |
..Great Britain. | 1:27:42 | 1:27:44 | |
# Na-na-na, na-na na-na | 1:27:47 | 1:27:54 | |
# Na-na na-na | 1:27:54 | 1:27:56 | |
# Hey, Jude | 1:27:56 | 1:27:59 | |
# Na-na-na, na-na na-na | 1:28:00 | 1:28:07 | |
# Na-na na-na | 1:28:07 | 1:28:10 | |
# Hey, Jude... # | 1:28:10 | 1:28:11 | |
Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd | 1:28:11 | 1:28:13 |