Botswana Special Top Gear

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello! Hello and welcome! Thank you very much.

Now, as you know,

the producers on this show like to give us challenges.

Specifically when they give us a very small amount of money

and tell us to buy a used car,

then they set unbelievably hard tasks to do,

-to see which one of us got the best deal.

-Yeah,

this week, for a Top Gear special, they came up with a real humdinger.

They gave each of us 1,500 quid

and told us to go to Africa

and buy a car.

Yeah, and there were just two conditions -

it mustn't be four-wheel drive

and it mustn't be built in any way to go off road.

The meeting point was the border post between Zimbabwe and Botswana,

and, for once, I was the first to arrive.

Now, as you'd expect, I've done this properly.

What I've got is a 1985 Mercedes Benz 230E,

a car that Africa absolutely adores,

because it's comfortable, it's rugged, it's dependable

and, frankly, if the other two have brought anything other than one of these, they're idiots.

The first idiot arrived.

-Can you open the door? The handle's broken.

-It's a Lancia Beta.

Coupe. 1981!

The only Lancia of any sort in the whole of Botswana.

It's done 29,000 miles.

Hmm. One owner, is it(?)

A little old lady!

'And boy, had she ragged it.'

Yeah, that's normal, isn't it(?) That fizzing.

That's, uh...

-Yeah...

-What's the piece of cardboard for? Mopping up moisture?

-No, that's because the battery...

-Shorts on the bonnet?

-..shorts on the bonnet.

-Right.

You've done well.

So now what? Do you want a lift?

We left the Lancia to cool down because Hammond was arriving.

-What the hell is that?

-I don't know.

-Could it be a Moscovitch? Opel?

-It's an Opel.

And on the front it says "Kadett".

Ah!

-Yeah!

-What the hell have you done, man?

It's an Opel Kadett from 1963.

JAMES SNORTS

-So that's the same age as...

-Same age as me.

-..you!

But it's in much better nick than you are. It was £1,200. I had change with which to buy beads.

How much more simple can you get? It's got two moving parts and it's been here for 44 years.

-I love the speedo.

-I do like a horizontal speedo. I really do!

-Where's the engine?

-It's there.

-Hang on!

It's tiny!

-Do you want to know about the power?

-Yes, I do.

-40.

-40?

-40 horsepower?

-Well, they did do a sport version with 48, but I didn't want anything too lairy!

You've both been idiots.

-No!

-Brilliantly interesting, brilliantly stylish,

-but stupid!

-Why's mine stupid?

-Where is yours?

-Because, well...

RICHARD LAUGHS

A Lancia? You have been a bit thick.

With the cars at the start line, it was time for our challenge.

"The people of Surrey think they need four-wheel-drive cars

"because they live up a lane which sometimes has leaves on it.

"You will now attempt to prove them wrong by driving your two-wheel-drive cars

"from here on Botswana's eastern border with Zimbabwe... There.

"..1,000 miles to its western border with Namibia."

That's right across the spine of Africa.

I'm confident.

'I wasn't.'

We hadn't even started

and the Lancia was playing up.

ENGINE TURNS OVER

James chose not to wait.

He may be mechanically confident, but he has just turned right.

-Did you see...?

-That's...

-Zimbabwe, which is where, I should point out, the BBC is not allowed.

THEY LAUGH

-Sorry.

-Sorry.

The Lancia wheezed into life

and Hammond and I set off in pursuit.

If you think of the cars that this inspired,

it was latterly built in Russia, where it became the Moscovitch, which was rubbish.

And, of course, indirectly, the Vauxhall Astra.

Quite a lot of reasonably average cars

owe themselves to this.

I don't know if you know, but Africa is quite large,

and when you're out in a remote part, you need a car like this,

that can be mended with a brick and a piece of string.

What you have to remember is that three of the most rugged and successful rally cars ever made

were Lancias - the Stratos, the O37 and the Delta Integrale.

Lancia know how to make a rally car.

Unfortunately, on the day my Beta Coupe was made,

they obviously forgot everything.

The gearbox is broken. The steering's broken. The window's are broken.

In fact, we all had problems.

Everything works except this knob, which controls the blower.

I've gotta have the windows open cos there's quite a strong smell of petrol.

And that mirror which is actually slightly stuck.

Hazard warning lights, the clock, the fan, the handbrake,

all of the dials.

The brakes are terrible cos they only work on that wheel.

They work very well on that wheel but only on that wheel.

That instrument's a bit wobbly, but apart from that everything that's important works perfectly

apart from the handbrake which I can pull as we go along.

Nevertheless, because we were on tarmac roads

we decided to give our cars a shakedown.

Building up speed now.

When it was made this car had 116 horsepower.

Top speed, 115mph.

Here we go.

Doing 100...

kilometres-an-hour more.

Right, I'm gonna overtake the truck. Here goes.

He's pulled out of its slipstream.

It's really coming up. 105.

Still truck.

-105.

-Still truck.

-105!

-3,000 revs, 3,500,

pulls cleanly.

Hang on a minute.

It's got no fifth gear.

Someone's put the knob from a five-gear model on it.

This is just the happiest car in the world.

I shall call it Oliver. Not that we'd ever name a car on Top Gear. I wish I hadn't said that.

It's not 10.05 in the morning

and it's started to get QUITE hot.

I've got an idea.

Oh, yeah!

That's better.

Don't know what that is. TOOTS

TOOT! TOOT! A horn! TOOT! TOOT!

Oliver, you've got a cold. Listen. TOOT! HE COUGHS

We were having fun but then we discovered we were travelling with Bill Oddie.

-Why've you got a pen?

-To tick them off when you seen them.

Hornbill, Southern yellow-billed.

I'm gonna look at your car. It's massive!

Don't knock, Oliver. Don't knock my car. That's a fine... He's a fine...

-What did you call it then?

-Oliver's a friend of mine and I thought you were talking about him.

He's given his car a name!

So far the journey had been a dawdle.

But then the tarmac just sort of...stopped.

Oh, this is bad!

I can see from here how hard the suspension on Jeremy's Lancia is having to work.

It's just a blur.

HE LAUGHS

Come on, Oliver, please.

The later you book a lift in the Mercedes the more expensive it gets - like an airline.

Oh, God! Oh!

I've broken...

Engine isn't working, it's cut out.

Oh, dear.

He's done, literally, one kilometre of this.

-I know what's wrong.

-Bonnet won't open.

-Yeah. The bonnet catch...

-Shut up!

Hammond was tetchy cos he knew the price of failure.

Anyone whose car broke down would have to complete the journey in a Beetle.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

-It is collectively our least favourite car in the world.

-Yes!

-It's the punishment.

Please!

Hang on! Hang on!

Ooh!

ENGINE STARTS

Well done, Oliver!

What did you say?

I said, "Let's...la, la, I love ya!"

-Oh, my God!

-What now?

My car's on fire but in a specific place.

-Wow! Look at that.

-It was your magnifying glass.

-There's a laser beam coming through it.

-It's like acid.

-Cardboard.

-Piece of cardboard's gone.

-So it sets itself on fire.

-If you don't have a piece of cardboard.

We drove deeper and deeper into the bush.

Lancia! Yeah!

CHILDREN SHOUT

What is that?

Looks like the sea.

Eventually the road disappeared altogether.

People of Surrey, I hope you're watching this.

-We are...

-HE LAUGHS

..driving a Lancia Beta Coupe while just in the middle of... whatever you call this.

The good news was we'd successfully reached our campsite for the night.

The bad news came in the shape of another challenge.

"Stretching before you is the Makgadikgadi.

"These are the biggest saltflats in the world

"They are almost as completely lifeless and as wide as Portugal.

"No car has ever driven across them.

"If you run out of water you will die.

"If your car breaks down and you can't be rescued you will die.

"If you run out of food you will die.

"It's like driving on a creme brulee

"There's a primeval ooze covered with a thin layer of salty crust.

"If you have thin tyres you will break through that crust,

"get stuck and you will die.

"So we'd advise you to fit fat tyres and remove as much weight as possible before setting off."

How hard can it be?

Don't say that!

In camp, the weight shedding began.

Ready!

That doesn't work.

Thanks awfully(!)

Feel how much this seat weighs.

-Like your work!

-HE GROANS

BANGING

Argh!

Fuel filler, I'll need that, maybe.

I don't want to take the hubcaps off, really, because they protect the...

hubs.

-Can I point something out?

-What?

Hammond's walking round his car,

muttering about how he needs all of it.

I know exactly what he's doing.

He's formed an emotional attachment, hasn't he?

It'd be like saying to him, "Could you cut bits off your wife?"

THEY LAUGH

What are you doing?

-I was going to take the radiator grille off, on the basis it's just an ornament.

-Can I help?

-Please do.

-Do you want your windows out?

-No, no, they're fine. I've worked that out.

-This'll be old glass.

-Very thin glass.

Very thin.

God, they come off easily!

-James?

-Yes?

-Using nothing but a hammer...

-Yes.

-Here's your beer.

-Thank you, mate. Have we lost enough weight now?

You haven't lost an ounce.

I've lost a spare wheel. And something else.

Look at mine. It'll need guide ropes to stop it floating away,

like a balloon.

-So, tomorrow we die?

-No, I think it's like all these things - exaggerated.

We'll be fine. Honestly. We've done enough.

'The next morning, on the edge of the saltpans, we thought we'd come under attack from a Bond villain,

'but it turned out to be the vice president of Botswana.'

-That is a

-BLEEP

-cool ride.

-Yeah, it is.

It's better than an official Rover 75 and a couple of policemen.

'He was amazed to hear what was being planned.'

I've just never known anyone to go across in a car.

This'll be the first time, I think.

-There they are.

-Oh, really?

-Oh, really?

-Yes.

-That should be interesting.

You were smiling. You've just stopped.

'Buoyed by the vice president's optimism(!), we set off.'

Nothing really prepares you for the sheer size of these.

I think, in a way, that it's more frightening than the Pole.

You can see the curvature of the Earth.

'As we ploughed on, the little Opel was going well.'

Oliver is just skipping. Boo!

This car was born to do this.

'Sadly though, despite the weight-shedding,

'my Lancia was not doing so well.'

Judging by the way the tyres are digging in as I'm driving along,

I think a little bit more has to come out.

'Still, as you can see from the tyres' grooves,

'I was doing better than the Merc.'

I'm looking at James's rear wheel and he's digging in a long way.

'I tried to help him along.'

CRASH

That's really helpful(!)

Well, there's always the Beetle, James!

It's waiting for you.

What are you going to do? It's sinking!

How far's that? A mile?

If that.

'My Lancia waded in again.'

Just a nudge.

That's a crash.

There's a thing(!)

'Unfortunately, because it was an automatic, it was useless.

'So, we told Richard to try.

'But he didn't want to hurt Oliver.'

Argh!

JEREMY LAUGHS

Argh!

'This was hopeless, so we had to rope in the camera crew.'

ALL: Three, two, one!

'Because the ooze was so bad, we had to get even more drastic

'with the weight shedding.'

'We toiled away for hours.'

Oh, God.

'Well, two of us did.

'And then, finally, we were ready.'

Now, this is light. Lancia Beta Coupe.

Another modification. Ha-ha-ha-ha!

This is excellent.

Why don't all cars have no doors?

When I come to power, I'll make it a rule, cos this is just better.

'However, the Makgadikgadi was not going to let us off that lightly

'and soon even our super-lightweight cars started to struggle again.'

Come on... Oh!

Oh, oh, yes.

No, this isn't good.

Oh, no.

Only the Opel remained trouble-free, which was bad news for me.

HE GROANS

Yes, come on, man.

I'll go forward Hammond and we'll do it again. Hang on.

How far is it?

-Oh, yeah, another five or six yards and we might be OK.

-This is just horrible.

-Keep going, keep going, keep going.

-Yes, yes.

No James, don't go there, you'll get stuck.

That's close.

Come on.

INDISTINCT

-Can we have everybody and we'll push it off.

-We need 100 men or more.

No.

This is hopeless.

THEY GROAN

People of Surrey, you need four-wheel drives for this bit.

The gung was so sticky it had completely jammed the Lancia's rear wheels.

I can't describe...

-You just think it's just mud...

-Do you know what it is?

Fish!

It's just rotted prehistoric fish.

-One, two, three...

-THEY GROAN

Mercifully the ground eventually hardened

and we made good progress.

Then suddenly the horizon was no longer flat.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

This is interesting cos we're coming between what looked like islands.

I suppose they are as this was a lake.

Amazing, absolutely amazing!

-Where are we?

-It's an island.

We're about...

a third of the way across.

And you've been stuck about 1,000 times.

-That is smug.

-Is that a baobab tree? I've always wanted to see one of those.

-Hammond, look at this.

-Whoa.

ATMOSPHERIC MUSIC

It is just about the most astonishing place, I've ever been.

I'm with you there.

DRAMATIC MUSIC

As the sun set, we headed for the campsite.

'Day two on the saltpans and we'd been told that today our problem would not be mud

'but dust.

'That meant James and I had to rethink our wardrobe solutions.'

I've teamed up with a bin liner - v-necked!

The last time I wore one of these, I went to see The Clash.

Frankly, I thought it was all a bit much.

I mean, how bad could this dust be?

-HE SCREAMS

-My eyes!

I can't even see Jezzer, already.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

HE MUMBLES

Meanwhile in my unmodified Kadett...

I'm going to adjust my quarter light a bit, just an inch, that's better.

HE COUGHS

I can feel that now. It's nice(!)

The headgear's come off.

Hello?

James and I made it through the dust with our lives considerably shortened.

HE SPLUTTERS

I've got consumption and TB.

I've got every single 1920s' disease.

'And then Lord Smug piped up.'

I had to close this, at one point, back that much,

and then it pulls the air out and you get fresh air, it's nice.

-You know what it's like when someone punches you really hard in the face.

-I do.

Then, the surface got even worse.

Argh!

It was like we were descending through the seven circles of hell.

No!

I'd assumed it'd be the salts that would kill the notoriously rust-prone Lancia,

but it was rough going.

Even though it had now smoothed out again, the Beta was in a bad way.

I've gone. I've gone.

-You can't get out?

-I've got no power, no drive.

Do you remember what the man said, Jeremy?

Breakdown and you... have a nice time? No, die.

Well, that's loose, that's hot.

CAR TURNS OVER

It is a good job they counted this engine over by 20 degrees

cos that means it's small and inaccessible than it would have otherwise have... Look at this.

CAR TURNS OVER

I've got to say, it has been nice, the peace,

you know, not having him around.

ENGINE TURNS OVER

I've checked the alternator, the spark plugs, the HT leads and the distributor cap.

Poked around with the starter solenoid.

There's been faults with all of them. But it still isn't going.

I'm not sure which I favour most here, certain death... or that Beetle.

ENGINE TURNS OVER

Nnnngg, come off!

HE BLOWS

Oh, for God's sake.

I honestly believe it's had it.

-Is my car on the crab?

-No, it's tracking true, mate.

He's worried about tracking, and look at it.

We knew that Jeremy would eventually catch us up, but what would he be driving?

I can see something in the mirrors.

-Please let it be a Beetle.

-I do hope it's a Beetle.

-Please, please let it be a Beetle.

-Please let it be a Beetle.

I'm back!

Oh, Jeremy, well done, I'm disa... sorry, delighted.

You're not in a Beetle!

Not a Beetle, a fully functioning Lancia Beta Coupe!

I just wanted the Beetle to pounce on you when you were straying behind.

I'm gutted.

Shall we just sandwich him, James?

No!

JEREMY LAUGHS

With our convoy back up to strength, we pressed on.

Apart from Jeremy being Bill Oddie occasionally.

Flamingos breed out here.

So that's breeding, is it?

-It's a fossil.

-It's not, it only died about two years ago.

-I was talking about you.

-It's an ex-flamingo, it is no...

-Hey, no, look!

-What now?!

-I know what created this.

-Ostrich.

Yes! It's legs are miles apart.

That's exactly how it was walking.

You know David Attenborough's about to retire...

-Can I just say...

-What?

You look like a gay cowboy and you look like a gay terrorist.

You look like a terrorist with a broken windscreen wiper and your face is ridiculous.

'Then Hammond started to pick on my car.'

-Why haven't you turned it off?

-It's gathering electricity.

-So if you turn it off the battery's not going to start again? Turn it off and start it, then.

-Yeah, go on.

Let's have some beautiful silence.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

-Are you ready?

-Yes.

ENGINE STOPS

-Behold...

-ENGINE TURNS OVER

RICHARD LAUGHS

-Why did you turn it off, you idiot?

-Because he said it would...

-Good luck, mate, somebody will give you a jump-start.

-Don't go away.

-Goodbye.

Annoyingly, Clarkson got the Lancia going again

and then we came across some big birds.

Wow!

And then we saw even more wildlife.

There's a cow.

Two cows, three cows.

Yes!

We've done it!

We had crossed the Makgadikgadi.

Trees!

-Life!

-Mate, did you ever think that you'd do that?

I'm genuinely proud of him. I am!

Really, I'm startled that this...

It isn't a car any more. Whatever it is,

has done it, with its low-profile tyres and its low suspension that's broken.

I'm absolutely delighted because the Makgadikgadi is one of the most unpleasant places I've ever been.

It's just a big bowl of dust. Hello, mate.

Widow Twanky may have been glad to see the back of the saltpans

but despite this they gave us a startling parting gift.

-GASP

-Wow, that is amazing.

-That's the moon?

-Yeah, that's the moon.

-Because of the dust from the pans, you get...

-A moonrise.

-And in orange.

-I've got goosebumps.

I know a Philip Larkin poem about the moon. Would you like to hear it?

No.

As a new day dawned, our cars looked like wrecks.

But their ordeal was far from over.

Yes, we had crossed the saltpans

but we were still only a third of the way across Botswana

and now we were about to enter the Kalahari.

The Kalahari.

Everyone who comes to the Kalahari takes away a different memory of it.

The savagery, the simplicity... the vast heat.

Me, I think - bumpiness.

It was as rough as hell

so we were glad when news came through that we were to stop at the next village.

Obviously they recognise...

a truly classy car.

What could they possibly have in mind for us here?

'It was another challenge!'

-Eh, hello?

-Here it is.

-"Your cars have travelled far and suffered much."

-Yes, they have.

"So we will now discover how much performance they've lost

"in a competition against the clock on a rally-special stage."

-My car never lost any performance - it never had any.

-That's true.

I'm not going to ruin my Mercedes just for a few points.

-You're right. You're not - because you're not driving it.

-Well, who is?

Some say he's seen The Lion King 1,780 times

and that his second-best friend is a Cape buffalo.

All we know is he's not The Stig but he is The Stig's African cousin!

HEAVY ANTHEMIC ROCK MUSIC

Wow!

He's protected the important bits.

Keen to get going, the three of us fired up our engines. Well, when I say three...

It's absolutely dead. There isn't...

Nothing is functioning. There is no electrical...

-You two are not being helpful.

-No.

BOTH: What a stupid thing to say!

-Interior light? Headlight?

-Nothing.

You don't know how to mend the ignition circuit on a 1981 Lancia B...? No.

It was a long shot.

It was a long shot.

'Annoyingly, a couple of the locals did know what to do...'

-ENGINE TURNS OVER

-Yeah!

'..And we drove to African Stig's rally stage

'which was in a dried up river bed a few miles away

'with packed spectator stands.'

MOO!

'Oliver went first.'

Three, two,

one...

go!

-Three miles an hour.

-Do you know that when it was new it had 40hp?

-Yup.

-If it's lost one a year - minus four horse power.

-That's what we'll see.

He's going around the first corner. Hold on.

That was a power slide.

-Look at that! It does look...

-Ridiculous is the word you're looking for.

'As the Kadett struggled to get up the hill, the spectators left.'

THEY CHUCKLE He's making a job of being The Stig's cousin.

He's enjoying that.

And...one minute 12 seconds!

That's a good benchmark for you to try and beat.

'Next up was the Panzer tank.'

-Most powerful, longest, best tyres...

-Slowest.

-Longest?!

-Longest is good for rallying, is it?

-It is on this, yeah.

So why on loose-surface rallies don't they turn up with Intercity trains?

-Go!

-Yeah!

That's the most ridiculous spectacle I've ever seen in my entire life -

a Mercedes with no bonnet, no front wings, no doors!

In the hands of African Stig though it was flying!

That is the latest in a long line

of pedigree Mercedes-Benz sports cars.

There's never been a Mercedes rally car.

Ah, yours is flying up the hill, mate. Look at it go!

You wait till you see the Lancia - it will dance through there.

-Great.

-Oh, yes.

-Oh, it's out of control!

-No.

That's a big slide!

-One minute 6!

-I'll just do my ancients.

-I hate you gloating.

-No, let him do it. It's like winning a semifinal.

'Time now to put James in his place

'because the Lancia was on home turf

'with its rally pedigree.'

Stratos 037...

What?

That's not dust - it's on fire!

Get out and turn it off.

RAUCOUS LAUGHTER

Stopwatch still running.

45 seconds.

We'll replace the seal...

and then...when it's cooled down a bit we'll be able to do the lap.

There'll be some difficulty - he's off.

Maybe he's started. Start the stopwatch.

-I think he was in a hurry so he decided not to take your car.

-Hey, Jeremy?

-What?!

-You were right though. Your engine - it's canted.

'Once again, the broken Lancia was fixed and then Jeremy arrived

'with some woe for all of us.'

What?

CLANG! We'll get some.

CLANG! That's it.

Those are the fuel cans.

'The problem was that Richard's car and mine ran on leaded fuel which was incredibly hard to find.

'And it was no use turning to the film crew for help.'

Diesel, diesel, diesel and two-stroke. Diesel... Guys, it's diesel and two-stroke.

'The town of Maun was about 60 miles away and with little fuel

'we would have to go there as the crow flies.

'Now we really would see how they'd cope off road.'

We have to try and keep the distance down to save what fuel we've got.

All we're looking for is a track indicating that other people

have passed this way and they would be heading to a town.

-BLEEP!

-That's how broken my car is.

I was doing that in park!

Oof!

These thorns are incredible!

Look at that! They look like cocktail sticks growing out of them.

Take cover. Ow!

'Once again, the 44-year-old Opel absolutely shone.'

Go on, little fella!

Yah!

'With our precious fuel burning away,

'we carved out the straightest path possible.'

Guys, do you know what we're driving through?

Plants.

No, this is a weed.

It grows locally and it's a hallucinogenic.

Bluuuuuh!

'If any car was going to get stuck, We'd have put money on the Lancia. But no.'

All right, mate? Sorry!

Horn doesn't work.

'Clearly, I'd have to get myself out.'

I'm going to make a rudimentary, temporary road

for my back wheel.

Thank you.

'Eventually, we found a smoother track.'

Whoa!

'And I did a detailed analysis of the Lancia's condition.'

It's all broken.

'As darkness fell, we found the road to Maun, but by this stage, even Oliver was suffering.'

I can't use my lights.

Alternator's packed up, all full of dirt and dust. I can have the lights,

but not the engine, because it all dies. I've actually got Jonathan,

who does the cameras for us, in here with me, lighting me when I talk to you, with a torch,

which he then uses to light the road ahead when I'm not talking to you.

KNOCKING

Empty.

'Finally, we rolled into Maun.'

Which year was it made?

1981. It's just driven all the way from Zimbabwe to here

-without going on a road.

-Like this?

Yeah.

CAR BACKFIRES

May!

Get out the way of the pump!

I shall move for you if you ask politely. I will move it.

CAR BACKFIRES

GLASS SMASHES

Yeah, that's his light. They are grown-ups, honestly. They do this a lot.

'We were now just over halfway and, amazingly, our cars were still running. All of them.

'The next day in the centre of Maun, we got our next challenge.'

This is it. The golden envelope.

"You will drive your cars to Namibia through the Okavango Delta."

-That's the really big wildlife place.

-"In the Okavango, you will encounter many deadly animals,

"including lions, leopards, cheetahs, hyenas, wild dogs, hippos,

"black rhino and crocodiles.

"..Birds, snakes, shieldnose snakes, puff adders,

"cape cobras, banded cobras, black mambas, black widows

"and thick-tailed scorpions."

What about the honey badger?

-The what?

-Honey badger.

That's the least-scary-sounding animal in the world.

-A honey badger does not kill to eat you, it tears off your testicles.

-It does not!

-Why is it called a honey badger?

-Exactly!

-That's what made it angry.

Why isn't it called the badger of death?

'In order to protect ourselves from the lions and honey badgers,

'Jeremy and I would have to rebuild our cars. But because we'd left all the bits on the other side of

'the saltpans, we had to use whatever we could find.'

Could a lion eat this?

Grrr.

Who do I see about the corrugated metal?

I suppose I'd better practise, at least...my lion drill.

Oh! There's a lion coming! What shall I do?

That.

Oliver will protect me.

'Because I had nothing to do, I decided to irritate Jeremy.'

I've got to go to that tarpaulin man.

-Tarpaulin.

-Tarpaulin will defeat a honey badger.

-That's well known!

It's well-known for its almost military protective capabilities.

That's why you see people going into war zones draped in tarpaulin.

Could you put a new door on a car? Come and have a look.

It's not sophisticated metalwork, this, but...

THEY CONFER

-I would like a tarpaulin roof for a Lancia Beta Coupe 1981.

-Right.

We can make anything.

Do you have any lion-proof tarpaulin? This thick.

Yeah...

One and a half metres by one and a half metres.

-If you think of a lion door, it'd be about that big.

-Could you ignore him and make me that?

'Because Mercedes were very popular in Africa, James soon found

'a spare door and boot lid for his car.

'And while he was looking for more bits...

'I hatched a plan.'

That's a cow's head.

Yeah.

Now, this will attract flies. It'll make his life unpleasant. It will also attract lions, tigers...

He effectively becomes a burger van driving...

'And to make sure the lions didn't miss...'

-That's a whopper!

-A good piece.

Under this seat.

Ooh! The smell will really...

Beautiful.

'We also attached a cow bell to the underside of his car.

'But while we were doing this, he was making merry with the paint.

'That afternoon, we left Maun and headed north to the Okavango Delta.'

Right. My car now has been readied. As you can see, I have a wooden door here. It's a gull wing,

so I can get in and out, obviously.

This is like being in an allotment shed.

..On a very windy day.

On the left, I have all the cans that were in the car from the last few days.

And the piece de resistance - badgers go away!

I am the road warrior.

Mad Jeremy.

SIREN WAILS

It's a police car.

RATTLING

Can anybody else smell burning, or is it my car?

Is it like a barbecue smell?

LAUGHS

As we neared the Okavango

the roads became rougher and rougher.

This is where the Benz comes into its own - it's got good ground clearance...

Bloody hell!

This is enough to shake the skulls from your bonnet,

and nobody in the whole of human history has ever said that before.

So, just to summarise, viewers...

As we went through the gates and into the game reserve,

the road changed again... for the worse.

This is new - very soft sand.

To stop our cars bogging down, we had to drive as fast as possible

and we had ourselves another rally stage.

THEY GROAN

Amazingly, even Jeremy had his work cut out

keeping up with the Opel.

Hammond's car's looking SO composed.

I'm developing

this irrational hatred of him

and it.

This is such a good game!

Eventually he was slowed down by a bridge...

over the River...Kwai.

HE WHISTLES: "Colonel Bogey March"

'The rally stage had taken its toll on one of the cars -

'take a guess which one.'

I'm in a car which had got a throttle that's jammed right open

and I can't hold it on the brakes.

Hammond, move!

-You're gonna have to go faster - I'm gonna hit you.

-What?!

-Ah, God!

-Help yourself to my brakes, why not(!)

-I've lost a skull.

-Monkeys!

-I'm sorry...

-GLASS SMASHES

BLEEP

Woah!

ENGINE REVS

You can hear the throttle - that's tick-over.

Having bodged my throttle, we headed deeper into the Okavango.

Front, 12 o'clock...1 o'clock.

This is where wildlife cameramen come to make a name for themselves

with David Attenborough.

But unfortunately, our crew are best, really, with cars.

A giraffe on the right.

There, the big thing!

If we ever do a programme called The Back End Of An Animal,

'these are the boys to hire.'

This week on Too Late To Look...

A baboon on the left with a baby on its back.

To give our crew a chance, we stopped...

and discovered that we weren't much good at animals either.

Wow, look! Look!

-A hippo's head.

-Oh, it is.

It's probably a whole hippo - the rest of him is under the water.

HIPPO SNORTS

What does a hippo do just before it attacks?

-Opens its mouth.

-Opens its mouth.

It can open its jaw... There's a thing it can do.

-Ah, look!

-Ah, look at that!

They've stopped for a drink...

using their noses to shovel water into their mouths.

Jeremy, that's a rubbish commentary.

'James took over.'

-That one's lifting its paw up a bit like a dog does.

-Paw!

Hoof, foot, whatever you call it.

-Hoof?!

-What is it on an elephant?

There is a man over there with the best comb-over

I have ever seen in my life.

That is...

He's got four partings as a result of that, can you see?

Why...? (You're bald!)

-Live with it!

-He caught me looking at him!

JEREMY LAUGHS

I was looking through the binoculars!

I was looking at the elephants really!

Look at that sun now, boys.

Elephants, rally special stage,

-best comb-over I've seen...

-Everything's here.

'We camped by the river,

'and while James serviced his car, I hatched a plan.'

Jeremy!

Jeremy.

-Jeremy!

-What?

-Quick, come here. Come here!

-That's a cow's head.

-Yeah. It wasn't working in the boot.

-I've had a better idea.

-What?

-Tent.

-His tent?

-Yeah.

Love your thinking.

Second one from the right.

That's his.

In, in, in!

Put it under his bed.

What?

GRUNTING

-What was that?

-It was a hippo.

WATER SPLASHES

What? Close?

That sounded very close.

Oh, my...!

-Hippos spend all day in water...

-Yes.

And then they come out at night because...

I can't remember why.

Well, thank you - that's useful(!)

Oh, brilliant(!)

Do you want to go out there

with a hippopotamus

or do you want to stay in here with a horse's head?

-That's not a question...

-Not a horse, a cow!

Um, hang on.

That's my bag in James's te...

This is MY tent!

-JEREMY LAUGHS

-Oh, man! Get it out!

Our starting point at the Zimbabwe border

felt like it was in another time zone,

but still there were many miles of delta to cover,

and our cars were in a really bad way.

The bush mechanic we have on the team

took two cubic feet of sand our of my carburettor last night

and asked if I wouldn't mind driving a more slowly today.

COWBELL RATTLES

Hahaha! James's cowbell! COWBELL RATTLES

Our second-hand road cars were getting more out of their depth.

This is proper off-roading now.

Men in camouflage trousers in Wales who like murdering people at weekends,

would say this is tough going.

It was a whole... THUNK!

Oh...

-What is it? It's like iron.

-It's a tree root.

I think I've bent the steering back a bit.

Wow!

Wow, there is an elephant right there.

A door down.

That would stop an elephant.

Soon our route was blocked by a river,

and what you're supposed to do is wade in to check the depth.

Right...

Jeremy made us drive on until he got bored.

-Here.

-No.

-What?

-No.

A agree with him for once cos that reedy stuff must mean it's shallow.

-It's shallow where the reeds are, you fool.

-We'll drive over to them.

-You've got to drive through the water first.

-We can't keep going,

-we've done 30 miles.

-I'm frustrated cos you can't just drive into a river because you're bored.

I do a fair bit of off-roading, and I know that's not the place to go across. You're wrong.

I'm going through here, are you going to carry on?

-I will if you're going through there.

-We'll go, keep your radio on.

-All right, I'm going.

-I'm not gunning it, I'm not doing a 4x4.

-So edging?

-Fan belts off.

-Fan belts off is a good idea.

It'll splash water into the distributor.

James went first and I said I'd watch for crocodiles.

Oh, I say! There's a ground hornbill over there.

It's getting a bit deeper.

Oh, hang on a minute... Permission to say, "cock".

It's coming in!

Thunderbird One to the rescue!

-'Come on, I'm sinking by the boughs!'

-Coming!

Argh! No!

-I can't help you!

-Come on!

-James, I'm in a low-sprung sports car.

-I'm going down.

That's good. Yes!

There's water coming in to my car!

I've got a wet bottom!

We're through!

Both our cars were flooded by our guides weren't bothered at all.

People of Surrey, if this happens to you, water in the footwell

and you need to drain it out, you're gonna need a hole.

The people of Botswana have a tip for you.

COCKS RIFLE

GUNSHOT

COCKS RIFLE

GUNSHOT

WATER TRICKLES

Meanwhile, using patience, I'd used a proper crossing point.

There is a technique to fording rivers.

Even on a proper ford like this, you've got to keep enough speed up to push a bough wave like that,

Then you use whatever power you've got in the engine - come on...

Oh, my G...! Oh no!

Oh, God!

He stalled! He's going down!

I can't open the door! Oh!

(GASPS) Oh, God...!

HE STRAINS

Please, come out!

Come on! Float! Float! Float!

OLIVER!

-Hammond, how's it going?

-Well, I got a bit of water in him.

'We did as well, but it doesn't matter. Using rifles,

-'we shot the car, so the water's drained out. It's brilliant.'

-Good.

I might need the rifle.

As a local tourist truck pulled me out,

the laughing hyenas arrived.

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

'May gave his diagnosis.'

Starting from the top, the battery's probably knackered

and then the carburettor would be flooded.

Working down, the distributor cap will be full of water.

The engine itself, if a bit of water went into the cylinders,

-you might've broken something. The oil will be ruined.

-I know! I'll fix him.

-You are going to try and mend this?

-If you leave me to it, yeah.

So we did.

# All by myself

# Don't wanna be all by my... #

Oh, that's harsh. That is quite harsh, but go on.

# Are you sure you've had enough... #

Oh, he'll like this one.

BOTH: # Sad, so sad

# It's a sad, sad situation... #

COWBELL RATTLES

Unfortunately, you can only give a man so much sympathy.

So James and I went ahead to make camp.

Hammond knew that in the morning, if his beloved Oliver wasn't fixed,

he'd have to leave him behind.

So he got our bush mechanic to bring the generator down.

And worked on through the night.

Morning came.

And still no Hammond.

I'm knackered today.

I mean, I feel quite like an explorer.

FAINT CLATTER OF ENGINE >

Is that Hammond?

Is it a Beetle, more to the point?

No way!

No way!

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, he's back.

Ah!

And here's the best thing. Do you remember the horn which was rubbish?

BEEPS THE HORN

It's excellent.

Ah!

-Is that technically possible?

-Probably not.

In 47 years, I've never been speechless.

With all the cars defying all the odds,

we began our final push to the border.

My car is working perfectly, as usual.

I've got no brakes, the pedal goes straight to the floor

and I have to de-clutch to stop. I'm using the handbrake.

Hah! The Lancia could beat that.

Every time I brake, it spears off to the right and I'm unable to steer left to correct that.

This has now gone from being a nuisance to being downright dangerous.

We soon reached the end of the Okavango,

so we pulled over to remove the animal protection.

And then, guess what!

The Lancia simply would not get going again.

It won't start because the starter solenoid has packed up.

But when it was running, it wouldn't move off in any of the gears.

It was just that last 60k.

It had that feel of a car that was dying.

'Richard actually sympathised, because he'd been there. As for James...'

Beetle.

I'll push it.

-Is this a good time to acknowledge that mine is the only one that has worked consistently?

-No.

This is worrying. I need to be home by Saturday.

I've been invited to a beetle drive.

'The entire crew was working on the stricken Beta

'until we were rewarded with the most glorious sound in the world...

-'life!'

-ENGINE PUTTERS

It lives!

It lives!

I got a whole hundred yards!

Oh, I'm not stuck.

The idle speed's not good.

Bye, everybody! I can't stop.

Please! Please!

Soon we hit the tarmac and we started to taste the hope.

Just 20 miles. You can do that. You've crossed Botswana.

I'm stuck in second but second will do.

Obviously, mine would keep going to the other side of the continent but...you know.

Come on, ten miles, please!

Then something really surprising happened.

Oh, no, not now.

Please!

'Because the Lancia had been such a problem child,

'everyone was fed up with it.

'Only two of the crew stayed behind to help.'

Carburettor's gone.

Even if we can get that fixed, the starter motor has gone.

We put it into gear, it goes into third

and that just stalls the engine.

The border was just five miles away.

-This is an object lesson for the owners of old cars everywhere.

-Yeah, it's really relaxing(!)

CREAKING

-Come on!

-CREAKING

The border!

1,596 kilometres, that's near as damn it 1,000 miles.

I've still got half a car left and very bad hair.

I don't believe that.

Sorry!

I've got no brakes.

JAMES CHUCKLES Um... yeah...

It's there.

We've done it!

All we had to do now was wait...

wait to see which car Jeremy arrived in.

-Is that an engine?

-It's a car.

The unmistakable clatter of a vehicle engine.

It's gonna be the Beetle.

And it was.

-But

-I

-wasn't driving it.

Yeah!

-I'm almost pleased.

-Yeah.

Oh, that's excellent.

Watch! The brakes don't work.

Sorry, there's no brakes.

Congratulations.

That's astonishing.

I think realistically we have to say

-the Lancia's won it.

-Why?!

-Um...

-By what possible measure?

-It's the most surprising.

-It's the worst.

You don't buy a second-hand car to be surprised that it still works.

-It had to be rebuilt once a day.

-Yeah, you're right. It's rubbish.

-Mercedes is the best car.

-Why?

-What?

-I've had to change ONE spark plug.

-Take the entire body off.

-It's a showroom model, James.

-All right, it's not entirely original

but in mechanical terms it was perfect.

I think, honestly, we have to be magnanimous here,

because only one of the cars has actually made it unmodified.

So that brings us on to a Top Gear top tip -

if, people of Surrey, you want to replace your BMW X5

-with something that's brilliant off road...

-Simple.

-..simple,

-inexpensive...

-Easy to maintain, surprisingly comfortable.

-Yes.

-..then you've got to get yourself a Volkswagen Beetle.

-What?!

-It's true.

-Jeremy's right.

-It's true.

You've replaced all the electrics in that...

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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