Episode 6 Top Gear


Episode 6

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Transcript


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Tonight, I wear some goggles...

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Richard falls down a small slope...

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and James says hello to a man!

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All right, mate?

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APPLAUSE

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Hello.

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Hello. Good evening. Thank you, everybody.

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Thank you. Thank you!

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Now as we know, the real world where we all live is full of dreary cars

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like the Renault Scenic and the Toyota...

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-whatever this is.

-LAUGHTER

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Which is why, in the fantasy world that is Top Gear,

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we prefer to feature things that are a bit more exciting,

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a bit more dinosaurish.

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Our track...

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ROARING ENGINES

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..it's the natural home of the quad cam 84-litre carnivore.

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-ROAR!

-From the massive Murcielago

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-ROAR!

-..to the agile Ariel Raptor,

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we have them all.

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We even have a keeper capable of taming them.

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ROAR!

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The Top Gear test track?

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-It's Jurassic Park!

-ROARING

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This week, though, there are no T-rexes.

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There are no raptors. There are none of those...

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Pssp! ..spitty things.

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This week, Top Gear has gone all Springwatch.

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TRANQUIL GUITAR

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This is the new BMW Z4.

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It's not mid-engined.

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It isn't a fire-breathing monster that runs on

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brimstone and baby owls. It's just a common or garden sports car.

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I didn't like the old Z4.

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I though it was too ugly and mostly driven by people

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who spent their evenings wife-swapping.

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I don't know why I thought that.

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It's just whenever I saw someone with a Z4, I thought,

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"Those car keys. I bet they spend less time in the ignition

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"than they do in a pot round at Muriel's house."

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Given the choice,

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I'd have bought a Mercedes SLK instead.

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In fact, I did.

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This, however, is the new Z4 and while it may not be much of a looker

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with the new aluminium roof up...

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..it is fantastic with it down.

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It's sort of...

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Uma Thurmanish -

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perfect, but you can't really explain why.

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It's the same story with the interior.

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It's very different to any other car,

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and that's good - and so's this!

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That long, priapic bonnet

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houses a three-litre engine which is boosted

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by two turbo chargers.

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Actually, it doesn't feel like a pair of turbos.

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It feels like a pair of testes.

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Big, meaty ones!

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Obviously it's not a raptor,

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but since I'm now doing

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140 mph...

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..it's not a cow either.

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The best thing about this car, though,

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is how it feels to drive.

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The old Z4 was too hard.

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Getting into it after a hard day at work was like getting home

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and flopping down on a sofa made out of Chuck Norris.

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This one, though,

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they've done what Lotus did with the Evora and Jaguar with the XF -

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they've softened it down.

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It's nice!

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Don't think, however, it's become a hopeless wallowing herbivore.

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ROARING

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ENGINE ROARS

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That intrinsic BMW-ness is still there.

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It's got that wonderful sense that when you turn into a corner,

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that the whole car is pivoting around your hips.

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Who'd have thought I'd come right down the food chain this week?

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I'm in Kate Humble's hedge and I'm loving it!

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Today, I'd buy a Z4

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over a Mercedes SLK in a heart beat.

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In fact, I'd rather have one of these

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than almost any of the Top Gear dinosaurs.

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It is that good!

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ROARING

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'Before we move on, though, there is another new car

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'in the Springwatch section of Top Gear's wildlife park.'

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BIRDSONG

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(Look! Look! There it is.

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(That is a brown Datsun.

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(I realise, of course, that you might think...

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(that here in the whole world of pterodactyls and peacocks

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(it's a bit of a hen, but you should see what it can do.)

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I'm hanging its tail out.

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I'm revelling in the short wheelbase,

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the taut rear-drive chassis.

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Mm-hm.

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I'm on the straight and I'm UNLEASHING

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326 horsepower!

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SHRIEKING ROAR

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Eat my exhaust fumes, dinosaur!

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This is the new Nissan 370Z GT...

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..a shortened, lightened, more powerful version of the old 350.

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Prices start at £27,000, and that makes it very cheap,

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especially when you look at all the equipment it has.

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DINOSAURS ROAR

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I've even got something called a "Synchro Rev Match system".

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OK, so I'm in fourth gear, yes? Want to change down to second.

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-ENGINE REVS

-You hear that?

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It revs the engine

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so the road speed is matched to the revs - makes the change smoother.

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That's very simple and very clever. I like that.

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As a heart starter, this thing eats the BMW for breakfast.

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It's got 26 more horsepowers for a kick-off.

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It's a lot more... exciting as well somehow.

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Aha-ha!

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And even this GT version,

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with leather seats and the rev-o-matic gearbox,

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is five-and-a-bit thousand pounds cheaper.

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THIS is a RACING hen!

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There is just one problem with it, however.

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It's very nasty.

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It's fine here on the track,

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but on the road it's so hard and harsh.

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It's also VERY noisy

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and it's not a nice noise either.

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VIBRATING LOW HUM

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I'd rather listen to my own firing squad.

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The worst thing about this car, though, is that if you had one,

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you'd never get invited to a wife-swapping party.

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People would think you were a bit...

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Oddie.

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APPLAUSE

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-What do you mean?

-It's not good enough. It isn't.

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-But this...

-Yeah.

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-..I love it!

-I know.

-It's got something.

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Honestly, if somebody said to me,

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"You have to have one of these for the rest of your life," I would be delighted.

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-I love it.

-It's a brilliant car,

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however, we must now find out how fast this, and indeed the hen,

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go round our track, which, of course, means handing them over to our tame racing driver.

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Some say that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous...

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LAUGHTER

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..and that recently, pigs in Mexico have started to die of something called "Stig flu".

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LAUGHTER

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All we know is he's highly contagious.

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SQUEAL OF TYRES

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And they're off! I have to say, these cars aren't really comparable.

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The Nissan is loud and aggressive, the BMW more day-to-day,

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but they both look tidy through the first corner there.

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Yep, no problems at all.

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BAGPIPE MUSIC

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Oh, dear, it sounds like two sets of bagpipe music there.

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Hard to tell really with bagpipes. Anyway...

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we're round Chicago nicely. Coming up to Hammerhead.

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The BMW might be having a bit of understeer there. Yes, it is!

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But at least he's OK with the gear change,

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because the Stig's in the automatic, which BMW say is actually faster.

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BAGPIPE MUSIC CONTINUES

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ENGINES ROAR

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So to Follow-Through.

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My word! Now the BMW's got an oversteer!

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I've never seen that there before!

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The Nissan has no problem at all. Two corners left.

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The BMW kicking out its tail again!

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The Nissan rather boring in comparison.

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But... Oh, now look at it! It's showboating! And there they go!

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-Across the line!

-APPLAUSE

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Aha!

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Mmm? Now...here we have the Nissan, look.

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The Nissan did it in 1 minute 27.5, and the BMW...

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1 minute 28.2.

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So that goes...

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there. So what we're saying here,

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really, is, er, buy the BMW, because it's slower,

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less exciting, more expensive and less well-equipped.

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LAUGHTER

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And now the news. And the big news this week - the government wants to put up signs on the motorway

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telling drivers to pull over at the next junction, get out

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and swap their car for public transport, which is kind of puzzling.

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Why, when you're in the car already, would you want to stop

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and then get on a train?

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It's like going to the cinema and a sign on the screen saying,

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"Have you thought about reading a book?"

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-It's too late!

-I'm in the cinema!

-What are the signs going to say?

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"Don't need to be on time or near where you want to go?

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-"The railway station is next left."

-LAUGHTER

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"Something missing from your commute?"

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A foul smell from a stranger sitting next to me. Is that what they intend for us to do?

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I tell you what. You know the government announced earlier this week that 60,000 people

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are going to be laid waste by swine flu? What they ought to be telling us

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is under no circumstances use public transport.

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-That's the point.

-Right.

-The funny thing is...

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-swine flu is getting a bad press.

-Well...

-Have you noticed?

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-LAUGHTER

-It is. They're saying it's bad for the economy,

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because no-one will buy anything and there'll be a lot of absenteeism,

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but parking spaces for the rest of us will be easy to find.

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LAUGHTER That's a good point.

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Now, there's a new Range Rover. We had it in the studio last week, OK?

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It's got a new bumper and new engine, but that's not important.

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What's important is it's got cameras in its headlamps looking forwards,

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one in the back looking back, and two on either side looking down.

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It's for off-roading, so you can see tree stumps and bears in your way...

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They feed the picture to the screen - sat-nav screen -

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but it doesn't turn off when you're going along on the road.

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-And you've all different cameras on?

-Yes.

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You're sitting in there, you've got five different feeds coming in,

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-but you can choose which one you want. It's like being a sports director at Wimbledon.

-Wow!

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I'm coming to the crest of a hill. I'll have that one. Nice.

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Reverse. Go to the back one. Get the exhaust noise.

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-Nice!

-It is FANTASTIC!

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Isn't it a bit distracting?

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-God, it's unbelievable!

-LAUGHTER

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You're not allowed to talk on a mobile phone these days,

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but you can direct Ben-Hur while you're going along. It's just...

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I haven't got to the best bit. In London at Holland Park, a very pretty girl in the car behind, yeah?

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Very pretty! Switched to rear camera...

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LAUGHTER

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..and then I found you can zoom in

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on parts of the girl in the car behind!

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So it's got lech-o-matic?

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It's perv-vision. The traffic lights are going red, green, and I'm...

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LAUGHTER

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It was just fantastic!

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Last week, a piano was accidentally dropped on a Morris Marina as we were filming.

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Last time this happened,

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the Morris Marina Owners Club,

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which is like the provisional wing of the Morris men,

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-were absolutely furious.

-They went berserk.

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There's been a lot of internet activity on the Morris chatroom.

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"I'm going to send an e-mail to the BBC and I don't care if they don't read it!"

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-LAUGHTER

-Now, that's what they said last time, OK?

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This time it's getting worse.

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They said they'd get physical. I'm quoting now. One of them says - and I'm not making this up -

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"If I see Jeremy Clarkson in the street, I will poo into my hand and throw it at him."

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LAUGHTER

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What?! They'll poo into their own hand?!

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What a stupid way of getting someone. It's like an assassin lining up on the target

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and shooting them through his own head!

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It's revolting.

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The thing is, last week when we were making the film, you probably saw, out in France,

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there was doubt as to who owned the car that you ended up driving.

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Was it the wife of the president of the Morris Marina Owners Club or the wife of the President of France,

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who is, of course, Carla Bruni? That was cleared up this week,

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because Carla Bruni went to Nelson Mandela's birthday party in New York

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where she sang a song which clears everything up.

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MOCK TRANSLATION OF SUNG FRENCH:

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APPLAUSE Now we know.

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You're history.

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Now, we are constantly being told, mostly by people who wear slacks,

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-that classic cars are more fun than modern ones.

-Yes!

->

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There was a yes over there. The thing is, though,

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we weren't sure, so the producers gave each of us £3,000

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and told us to go to a classic car auction in King's Lynn,

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which is famous for being nowhere near anywhere else in the world.

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LAUGHTER

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They said we could buy anything we wanted as long as it was built before 1982

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and then, when we had cars, there would not be the usual series of small challenges but one big one.

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'After a 2,000-mile drive, we arrived...

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'at the wrong place

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'and then the right one

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'where, inside the shed...' All right, mate?

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'..there were many cars to choose from.'

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"The Teesside Yesteryear Motor Club."

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How much do I not want to go out for dinner with anyone who's a member of that(?)

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Yeah, a '68 Daimler.

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It's V8, but a tiny capacity, so a busy little engine and too expensive unless it goes cheap.

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You never know.

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'As the start time neared, we took our seats.'

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This is the first time I've ever been to a car auction.

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-It's fantastically exciting.

-We could leave with anything.

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At auctions in the past, normally I'm the one at the back, drunk out of my mind,

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-bidding for signed rugby balls.

-Charity auctions.

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Ladies and gentlemen,

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-we will now get the first car in.

-Here we go.

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-Here we go.

-What is that?

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-A London taxi.

-A Lanchester LJ 200.

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-A Lanchester?

-LJ 200.

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-"1953. No documents. Condition - three."

-No documents(!)

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Who'll start me? 500? Quickly!

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500? 500, thank you, sir.

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-500, I'm bid.

-What are you doing?!

-Getting on with it.

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It's the first one.

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-I'm doing what they did in nightclubs in Yorkshire.

-700, I'm bid.

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-At 700.

-I'm going ugly early. Go in, get the first one you can.

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-1,000 bid.

-It's a car. I'm after it.

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-At £1,000.

-Give it to me.

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Thank you, sir.

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-That's mine.

-You bought it?!

-You madman!

-Look at the back of it(!)

-THEY GUFFAW

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-What do you mean "go ugly early"?

-You go in...

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I did it in nightclubs. When I was in Ripon, you'd walk in

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and the first girl that's breathing, you go to her and go, "Hi, love, how are you doing?" You've pulled.

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Your mates, thinking in a minute Ursula Andress is going to turn up, and she didn't, were stuck.

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'The next lot was a tasty Ford Cortina.'

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Hang on. Hang on.

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On my right, 220. 220. 240. 260. 280? 280.

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300. At 320. 320...

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-I bid!

-You did.

-You're still in it.

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..420. 440...

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I'm not sure. I want a convertible.

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Oh, have it! If you chicken out now, you won't get it.

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Go on! Come on!

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..530. Quickly! 540.

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No, I'm hanging on. I'm hanging on.

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'Several terrible cars came and went.'

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What the hell's this?

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-It's an Austin 7.

-I'm not interested.

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'Then, finally, a convertible arrived.'

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-Hang on.

-2,000 bid.

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'And Top Gear's auction new boy went mad.'

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2,400. 2,500.

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2,600. 2,900.

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At 2,900.

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3,000 bid.

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At 3,000. At 3,000.

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-3,100. 3,200.

-You're making a mistake.

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-What are you bidding on?

-3,400. 3,500.

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-Yes!

-3,600.

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222.

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-JAMES CHUCKLES

-Have you thought...

-Holy BLEEP! I've bought THAT!

0:18:440:18:48

LAUGHTER

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-How much have I paid for it?

-BOTH:

-£3,600.

-I've got 600 of my own money in that?!

-Yes, sir.

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Oh, my God, what have I done?

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'Well, at least he'd done something,

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'unlike James, who, as car after car went by...'

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-Bid.

-No.

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'..still refused to buy.'

0:19:060:19:07

You will see. My patience will be rewarded.

0:19:070:19:10

-Spitfire Sports...

-Come on, you want a Spitfire.

-No, I don't.

0:19:100:19:13

James, it's in budget. You like the colour.

0:19:130:19:16

Bid! Bid!

0:19:160:19:18

'James was being so stubborn, I decided to bid on his behalf.'

0:19:180:19:21

1,450. 1,500.

0:19:210:19:24

-Did you just bid on that, you halfwit?

-Yes.

0:19:240:19:26

-With that.

-With your number.

-I see.

0:19:260:19:29

James, I'm warning you, if you don't buy something in a minute...

0:19:290:19:33

This is mine. It's a Bristol,

0:19:330:19:35

but it's got the wrong engine, so it's not worth much. Watch this.

0:19:350:19:39

Someone start me 5,000. 5,000 bid. At 5,200.

0:19:390:19:42

5,400, 5,600...

0:19:420:19:44

-That's you stuffed, then, isn't it?

-We're out.

0:19:440:19:47

6,200, 6,400...

0:19:470:19:48

I wanted that.

0:19:480:19:50

-7,000...

-So, Captain Cautious, what are you gonna do now?

0:19:500:19:54

You're starting now to look like you're in trouble.

0:19:540:19:57

-There's plenty more stuff coming through.

-We're now coming up to the last lot.

0:19:570:20:02

-What?!

-The very last lot.

0:20:020:20:04

CLARKSON LAUGHS

0:20:040:20:07

Oh, mate!

0:20:070:20:09

-It's nice!

-I don't want that.

0:20:110:20:14

Seriously, what do we do, because I don't want a Citroen? I don't want it!

0:20:140:20:18

-550, 600, 700...

-You've got to bid, mate.

0:20:180:20:22

You've got no choice.

0:20:220:20:23

-You've got no...

-900 quid?

0:20:230:20:26

Bid.

0:20:260:20:28

1,050, 1,110...

0:20:280:20:29

1,150, 1,200...

0:20:290:20:32

-Oh, God.

-You've got to buy it, mate.

-Yes.

0:20:320:20:35

1,400. 1,450!

0:20:350:20:37

-It's a lovely colour.

-1,500!

0:20:370:20:39

1,500.

0:20:390:20:40

At 1,500... The name, sir?

0:20:400:20:44

Worth every penny!

0:20:440:20:46

'It was time to inspect what we'd bought.'

0:20:460:20:50

Look at it in here.

0:20:500:20:51

It's like driving around in a radiogram.

0:20:510:20:53

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

0:20:530:20:55

Listen to that... Oh.

0:20:550:20:57

-This has not got an MOT, has it?

-I'll book it in.

0:20:580:21:02

The first thing they're going to say is you're running on...

0:21:020:21:05

-An odd number.

-Three. That's good.

0:21:050:21:09

We'll get the fourth one going, and it'll be fine. I'm confident. This is a classic.

0:21:090:21:13

'And it was a damn sight bigger than Jeremy's classic.'

0:21:130:21:16

This is going to be a remarkable thing, watching you fold yourself into a Midget.

0:21:160:21:21

-It isn't a Midget.

-It is!

-It's an Austin-Healy.

0:21:210:21:24

-It's a hairy-chested man's car.

-No, that's the big Healey.

0:21:240:21:29

This is a little tiny Healey built in the same factory as the MG Midget.

0:21:290:21:34

The only difference between this and a Midget is an MG badge.

0:21:340:21:37

Oh...

0:21:390:21:41

Let me help you.

0:21:410:21:42

There, you see!

0:21:420:21:44

Let's do this scientifically. There's the top of the windscreen.

0:21:440:21:48

'Still, at least my car wasn't medieval.'

0:21:480:21:52

In 1977, you couldn't drink the water in France, and they hadn't heard of an ignition key.

0:21:520:21:57

ENGINE SPLUTTERS

0:21:570:21:59

How about that?

0:21:590:22:00

ENGINE WHIRRS

0:22:000:22:02

What a dismal racket.

0:22:020:22:04

'It was time to receive our challenge.'

0:22:040:22:08

"You have been entered in a classic time trial rally

0:22:080:22:12

"on the sunshine island of Majorca."

0:22:120:22:14

Ah! Majorca means...?

0:22:140:22:19

Bad food, prawn shells in everything...

0:22:190:22:21

-Driving on the other side of the road.

-They drive on the wrong side of the road.

0:22:210:22:25

-My steering wheel's on the wrong side of the car.

-"You have two weeks to prepare your cars

0:22:250:22:30

-"and ship them there."

-For a classic time...

0:22:300:22:33

I know what they are. My wife does these.

0:22:330:22:36

They're those ones where you have to get from A to B on difficult roads

0:22:360:22:40

and you have to average a certain speed within the speed limit,

0:22:400:22:43

but you have to average it. We are talking some properly anal stuff here.

0:22:430:22:48

-How do you make a car ready for a rally?

-I don't know.

0:22:480:22:52

'To find out, we took our cars for a spin.'

0:22:530:22:57

So, faults. Let's just go through the faults.

0:22:570:23:00

That window won't wind up, no big deal,

0:23:000:23:03

and the hood here doesn't fit properly. Other than those tiny things,

0:23:030:23:08

it's ready to rally, this one.

0:23:080:23:10

GEARBOX CRUNCHES

0:23:100:23:12

Power - 32 horsepower, to be precise.

0:23:140:23:20

'While waiting for a booking at the MOT centre,

0:23:210:23:24

'I discovered something amazing.'

0:23:240:23:28

Hold on a second.

0:23:280:23:30

My granddad worked at Mulliners, the coachbuilders.

0:23:310:23:34

And in the 1950s, when he was there,

0:23:340:23:38

they were making Hillman Humber Standard

0:23:380:23:40

and Lanchester. This car's 1953,

0:23:400:23:44

so my granddad built this car!

0:23:440:23:47

This actual car, he was working at Mulliners and this is what he did,

0:23:470:23:51

he was a coach builder. He built this car!

0:23:510:23:54

'While Richard was having his Who Do You Think You Are? moment,

0:23:550:23:59

'I was not very far away,

0:23:590:24:01

'still not going very fast.'

0:24:010:24:04

0-60? I'll give you a few seconds to have an educated guess.

0:24:040:24:07

No. 31.7 seconds.

0:24:090:24:13

'Meanwhile, I was getting acquainted with Granddad's craftsmanship.'

0:24:130:24:18

Oh, God. Third isn't working. HORN HONKS

0:24:190:24:21

Oh, hell.

0:24:210:24:23

I can't get anything past second. HORN HONKS

0:24:230:24:26

No. Granddad didn't do the gearbox. That's a Daimler gearbox.

0:24:260:24:30

HORN HONKS Sorry!

0:24:300:24:31

This armrest is adjustable.

0:24:310:24:34

I'll adjust it up a bit... Oh.

0:24:340:24:36

My granddad didn't build that bit. That was somebody else.

0:24:380:24:41

Day off, maybe.

0:24:410:24:42

'Eventually, I made it to the MOT centre.'

0:24:440:24:47

ENGINE TURNS OVER

0:24:470:24:51

'Meanwhile, in the Healey...'

0:24:540:24:56

God, it's even got quick steering.

0:24:560:24:59

Everybody knows a horror story about someone who bought a car at an auction.

0:24:590:25:04

But what you have here

0:25:040:25:06

is a fairy story.

0:25:060:25:08

Quite by accident, I've bought a genuinely brilliant little car.

0:25:080:25:14

'Unlike Richard, whose MOT inspection was now finished.'

0:25:150:25:19

You've got a hydraulic pipe that goes to the floating master cylinder,

0:25:190:25:24

and that's leaking fluid quite badly.

0:25:240:25:26

-Yeah.

-It's a wonder you got here with it.

0:25:260:25:28

-OK.

-OK.

0:25:280:25:29

The nearside front trunnion top and bottom is badly worn,

0:25:290:25:33

the other side is following quite closely behind it.

0:25:330:25:36

The brakes on the back are about 83% out of balance.

0:25:360:25:38

You're got a brake hose, which is floating,

0:25:380:25:42

which is pouring fluid out of it. The shackles on the back of the spring hangers

0:25:420:25:46

are in very bad condition as well.

0:25:460:25:47

Most of the shackle pins and bits and pieces are very badly worn indeed,

0:25:470:25:51

and there are pins missing. No headlights...

0:25:510:25:55

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:25:560:25:58

Come on, then, Hammond! Come on.

0:26:030:26:06

Tell us...

0:26:060:26:08

How bad was it?

0:26:080:26:11

That's what came back.

0:26:110:26:12

-I've had worse than that! Oh, blimey.

-LAUGHTER

0:26:120:26:16

That's the actual list.

0:26:160:26:18

That is the list of everything that was wrong with Granddad's...

0:26:180:26:22

We'll pick that up later on, but now

0:26:220:26:24

it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

0:26:240:26:28

Yes, it is, but the extraordinary thing is, I bet almost none of you have ever heard of him.

0:26:280:26:33

He is the lead singer with AC/DC.

0:26:330:26:37

Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson!

0:26:370:26:39

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:26:390:26:42

Can't believe you're here!

0:26:420:26:45

What a star! You've come!

0:26:450:26:46

Fantastic!

0:26:460:26:49

Have yourself a seat, Brian.

0:26:490:26:51

Thank you.

0:26:510:26:53

I am properly fascinated by how you've achieved it,

0:26:530:26:57

because everybody knows Jagger, Daltrey,

0:26:570:26:59

David Van Day, everybody knows the lead singers

0:26:590:27:04

with these big bands.

0:27:040:27:05

But Brian Johnson? How have you managed to stay anonymous?

0:27:050:27:10

I think the band... It's just the way we do things.

0:27:100:27:13

Stay under the radar.

0:27:130:27:14

You never see you on anything. You're never at a glittering gala do,

0:27:140:27:18

you're never at Elton John's... No, you wouldn't be.

0:27:180:27:21

When I said, "Brian Johnson's coming on the show" to friends,

0:27:210:27:25

they went, "The cricket bloke? He's dead."

0:27:250:27:27

-That's Brian Johns-TON.

-We enjoy keeping quiet.

0:27:270:27:34

We can live a normal life, you know.

0:27:340:27:36

Is this right? Black Hawk Down, obviously we've seen the film,

0:27:360:27:39

-but it was used as well, AC/DC.

-Mike,

0:27:390:27:43

the helicopter pilot that went down,

0:27:430:27:46

he'd been shot and he'd been beaten, and they put him in a cell,

0:27:460:27:50

and he thought he was finished. They kept coming and beating him.

0:27:500:27:55

His pals knew that AC/DC were his favourite band,

0:27:550:27:59

so they hooked a big speaker on the skid of a helicopter

0:27:590:28:02

and they played Back In Black and Hells Bells

0:28:020:28:06

and they flew over the city and he dragged himself up

0:28:060:28:08

and took his shirt off and waved it out the window

0:28:080:28:11

so they knew where he was and they went down and got him.

0:28:110:28:15

He's a good friend. We talk to each other.

0:28:150:28:19

It's good when stuff like that happens.

0:28:190:28:21

That is a fantastic story.

0:28:210:28:24

We could rap about AC/DC for some considerable time,

0:28:240:28:28

but you're here because you are a massive, massive car fan.

0:28:280:28:33

-Is that not...?

-Since I was a kid.

0:28:330:28:36

Me father knew there was something wrong with us

0:28:360:28:39

when I'd be walking down the street going, "Javelin, Dad."

0:28:390:28:43

It drove him nuts, so he went to the scrap yard and got a steering wheel

0:28:430:28:47

and he stuck a stick through it and put it through me bed head and put some pillows on it

0:28:470:28:52

and said, "There you go."

0:28:520:28:53

What, so that's a car?

0:28:530:28:56

That was me car. It was brilliant.

0:28:560:28:58

Although there was wallpaper there, I couldn't see it.

0:28:580:29:01

I just saw the rest of the world and I just drove for hours.

0:29:010:29:05

Obviously - we're talking here about good, honest, salt of the earth, working-class Geordie upbringing -

0:29:050:29:10

the original cars that you finally got once you were old enough, they were all what?

0:29:100:29:15

Me first one, which was fabulous, it was a Ford Popular sit up and beg,

0:29:150:29:20

which had a beige exterior and a salmon pink interior.

0:29:200:29:25

But it was mine, it was freedom. Brilliant.

0:29:250:29:31

-You presumably go through the Mini phase at that point.

-Mini phase was very important,

0:29:310:29:35

because then you didn't have to hide the Ford Popular round the corner when you went to parties.

0:29:350:29:40

The Mini was cool. Was it a Cooper?

0:29:400:29:42

No, I tried to make it look like a Cooper.

0:29:420:29:45

I put them little spready things on the back wheels and I put go-faster stripes on.

0:29:450:29:50

But it had sliding windows,

0:29:500:29:53

and they were very handy with the girls in the back.

0:29:530:29:56

You could get their...

0:29:560:29:59

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

0:29:590:30:02

-I know what you mean!

-Sorry. I'm sorry.

0:30:040:30:09

And obviously then AC/DC came along.

0:30:090:30:12

Yes.

0:30:120:30:14

-So what did you get? Heavy metal band - heavy metal cars?

-I did.

0:30:140:30:17

I love me classics.

0:30:170:30:19

I bought an old Triumph Roadster, 1948.

0:30:190:30:22

Now I drive a 1928 Bentley Le Mans 4.5 litre.

0:30:220:30:30

-Really?

-Yeah.

0:30:300:30:31

-That's got the throttle pedal...

-In the middle.

0:30:310:30:34

That's a bugger.

0:30:340:30:35

Sometimes, you know, when you're going round a corner,

0:30:350:30:38

"I'll just break... Oh, bugger!"

0:30:380:30:43

It can tighten your bottom a bit.

0:30:430:30:45

It makes your arse go like a rabbit's nose.

0:30:450:30:47

LAUGHTER

0:30:470:30:49

So what's your day-to-day wheels now?

0:30:490:30:52

Er, a Phantom.

0:30:520:30:54

Me favourite car in the whole wide world.

0:30:540:30:56

12 funnels of fun there, Jezza!

0:30:560:30:59

-It is the most fantabulous piece of engineering.

-Ever.

0:30:590:31:04

When I turned 60, I thought, "I'm gonna get meself something special."

0:31:040:31:08

-Are you over 60?!

-I'm 62 in October.

0:31:080:31:11

Hoo-hoo! I'm impressed.

0:31:110:31:14

I am very... Rock'n'roll has suited you.

0:31:140:31:17

Yeah, aye, but...

0:31:170:31:19

Obviously, we could sit here and talk cars, and I'd be happy to do that

0:31:190:31:24

literally all day long,

0:31:240:31:25

but you came down to do your lap. How was it?

0:31:250:31:28

The best time I've had since I started the tour.

0:31:280:31:31

I've been sitting in the back of a car getting driven everywhere.

0:31:310:31:34

I just had a great time.

0:31:340:31:37

Who here would like to see Brian's lap?

0:31:370:31:41

-AUDIENCE:

-Yes!

0:31:410:31:43

Let's play the tape. Let's have a look how you got on.

0:31:430:31:46

OK...

0:31:460:31:49

# Is you is or is you ain't my baby..? #

0:31:490:31:53

Let's see if this love of cars translates into an ability to drive well.

0:31:530:31:58

That's... Yeah,

0:31:580:32:00

stabbing that one in nicely... Ooh, I say.

0:32:000:32:02

That was good.

0:32:020:32:04

Nice and easy, like gravy.

0:32:040:32:06

Wouldn't have thought gravy was easy, but there we are,

0:32:080:32:11

that's tidy as well. No real problems there.

0:32:110:32:14

Keep it cool, yeah, son.

0:32:140:32:16

Go on, son!

0:32:160:32:17

You're being smooth and violent at the same time,

0:32:170:32:21

which is quite an achievement. That's perfect.

0:32:210:32:24

That is bang on.

0:32:240:32:26

# Oh, you must remember this... #

0:32:260:32:29

Concentrate.

0:32:290:32:31

No need to ask if you were flat out through there.

0:32:310:32:34

I'm guessing this'll be quick. It is!

0:32:370:32:40

And now we're coming up to the second to last corner.

0:32:400:32:43

That's beautifully done.

0:32:430:32:45

Gambon, is that going to catch you out?

0:32:450:32:47

No...!

0:32:470:32:51

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:32:510:32:53

Because it looks like when Ellen MacArthur came here -

0:32:590:33:04

not dramatic, but you just looked quick. So...

0:33:040:33:09

Where do you think? I wouldn't bother looking down here...

0:33:090:33:13

Anywhere in the second middle!

0:33:130:33:16

-What, this?

-Yeah, just about there.

0:33:160:33:19

With Hugh Grant and so on.

0:33:190:33:21

-That would be nice.

-I've got the time there.

0:33:210:33:23

So what are we looking at? Jay Kay is up at the top, 1.45.8.

0:33:230:33:27

Kevin McCloud, Simon Cowell, 1.45.9s...

0:33:270:33:30

So, Brian Johnson, the man nobody had ever heard of...

0:33:300:33:35

..you did it in, well... One...

0:33:370:33:39

forty...

0:33:390:33:42

I've forgotten.

0:33:420:33:44

You're killin' us!

0:33:450:33:48

-..five...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

0:33:480:33:52

..point nine.

0:33:520:33:55

You are the second fastest man!

0:33:550:33:58

Brian Johnson, everybody!

0:34:020:34:04

CHEERING

0:34:040:34:06

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:34:090:34:11

Exactly the same as Kevin McCloud off Grand Designs, Simon Cowell,

0:34:110:34:17

-Brian Johnson!

-Brilliant!

0:34:170:34:19

Jay Kay will have just babbered himself!

0:34:190:34:23

I've so enjoyed having you here today. I'm just amazed how many gifts God bestowed you with!

0:34:230:34:29

Great singing voice, nice chap, anonymity, and now can drive a car like an angel.

0:34:290:34:35

Ladies and gentlemen, Brian Johnson!

0:34:350:34:37

APPLAUSE

0:34:370:34:40

What a man! What a man!

0:34:400:34:43

Well done!

0:34:430:34:46

Earlier on, we bought three classic cars from an auction.

0:34:510:34:56

A 1953 Lanchester,

0:34:560:34:58

-a 1977 Citroen Ami 8 and a 1969 MG Midget.

-It's a Healey!

0:34:580:35:03

-BOTH: It's a Midget.

-It's just a Midget!

0:35:030:35:05

Anyway, we then discovered, after we'd bought the cars,

0:35:050:35:08

that we had just two weeks and hardly any money to get them ready

0:35:080:35:12

for something called a Regularity Time Trial Rally, which was in Majorca.

0:35:120:35:17

Sadly, Hammond had spent all his budget, and lots more besides,

0:35:230:35:27

getting the Lanchester his granddad had built to work.

0:35:270:35:30

But for once, Jeremy had done a good job, and as usual, so had I.

0:35:300:35:35

However, before we could get going, we were given new instructions.

0:35:350:35:41

On a classic rally,

0:35:410:35:43

you need a co-driver to operate the timing gear and read the maps.

0:35:430:35:48

But don't worry, the producers have provided one for each of you.

0:35:480:35:52

-They've...

-I'm not worried.

0:35:520:35:54

My betting is these co-drivers, whatever we've got in our mind now,

0:35:540:35:59

-I'm not certain...

-Is not what they have provided.

0:35:590:36:02

We weren't wrong. James had been given Madison Welsh, a glamour model...

0:36:040:36:11

-Hello.

-..who has no interest at all in classic rallying.

0:36:110:36:15

-Have you honestly never done it? Not as a hobby or something?

-I've never done it!

-Seriously?

0:36:150:36:20

-Serious!

-For me, things just keep getting better.

0:36:200:36:24

Because this is my co-driver, his name is Joan Verger,

0:36:240:36:28

he is the president of the Balearic Motorsport Federation

0:36:280:36:32

and an ex-Seat works driver.

0:36:320:36:34

Presumably you know the roads in the north like the back of your hand.

0:36:340:36:39

The mountain...roads.

0:36:390:36:43

Do you speak...?

0:36:440:36:46

-Don't tell me he doesn't speak Eng...

-HE SPEAKS IN SPANISH

0:36:460:36:49

No entiendo. No comprendo.

0:36:490:36:52

JEREMY BURSTS OUT LAUGHING

0:36:520:36:56

Um...

0:36:560:36:58

Richard, meanwhile, had been given a keen amateur mechanic called Brian Wheeler.

0:36:580:37:04

OK...

0:37:040:37:06

Brian.

0:37:060:37:09

No, it does that, it's fine. Imagine this in a rallying situation.

0:37:090:37:14

The idea is we get points deducted for being early or late,

0:37:140:37:18

-at the checkpoints we have to get to.

-I can't see.

0:37:180:37:22

Granddad didn't think of that when he built it.

0:37:220:37:25

The co-drivers didn't fill us with much confidence.

0:37:250:37:29

And then we saw the cars we'd be up against.

0:37:290:37:34

There were Lancia Stratoses, Mustangs,

0:37:350:37:38

Corvettes and endless Porsches.

0:37:380:37:41

-10 911s, 11, 12...

-I've never seen so many 911s.

-13.

0:37:410:37:46

-This Mustang is in our category.

-Oh, my God, how am I going to compete against that?!

0:37:460:37:51

And then we got even more bad news...

0:37:510:37:54

-Fantastic.

-You've had a great day?

-Yeah.

-Well, when did it start?

0:37:540:37:59

Last night was the first stage, and this morning at 8.30am, we were out there. So, yeah.

0:37:590:38:05

-Five.

-OK...

-Five stages, yeah.

-Five stages.

0:38:050:38:10

-OK. Thank you for that.

-What were they saying?

0:38:100:38:14

I don't know how this has happened. I imagine it's James's fault,

0:38:140:38:19

but we thought the rally started tomorrow morning. It turns out it actually started two days ago.

0:38:190:38:25

So, even before we'd started, we knew we had no chance of winning.

0:38:270:38:32

-At the very least, we are competing against each other.

-Why don't we just make it a private race?

0:38:320:38:38

-Whatever it is, it requires precision and patience, so you won't win.

-I bet you £25

0:38:380:38:43

-that I beat you.

-Three-way bet.

-All right.

-All right.

0:38:430:38:48

And so, the next morning, two days late, with the wrong co-drivers and the wrong cars...

0:38:500:38:56

Does anybody here know how to zero the trip on an Austin Healey Sprite?

0:38:560:39:00

..we set off.

0:39:010:39:04

Go!

0:39:040:39:05

We've got no gear.

0:39:070:39:11

Not got a lot to talk about.

0:39:170:39:20

We had to arrive at various checkpoints at specified times

0:39:200:39:25

and then complete a number of special stages on closed roads

0:39:250:39:29

at a precise average speed. This wouldn't be easy in the Healey.

0:39:290:39:34

This is ridiculous.

0:39:340:39:36

My speedometer is saying I'm doing 60mph when I'm doing about 30...

0:39:360:39:42

no, 20. How are we going to be able to do average speeds when this is saying 60mph?

0:39:420:39:47

When we stop at the next bit, I'll write down some speed and distance formulae for you

0:39:470:39:54

so you can work out average speeds. There's only two you need to know. How fast we've been going,

0:39:540:40:00

how fast we need to go or how long we've taken so far.

0:40:000:40:04

You can use the two stopwatches,

0:40:040:40:06

-so you can say for ten minutes...

-Mountains!

0:40:060:40:10

Does this car smell... healthy to you?

0:40:120:40:15

Actually, there is a slightly, um, oily smell.

0:40:150:40:20

So the roundabout is at 127, so add another 1km...

0:40:210:40:25

MOBILE RINGS RINGTONE: "Barbie Girl" by Aqua

0:40:250:40:29

Hello? ..Hello!

0:40:290:40:33

'Still. Could be worse.'

0:40:330:40:35

Granddad didn't do the cooling system, so it can be a bit...

0:40:360:40:40

It's all falling out.

0:40:420:40:44

-So how long should we wait?

-About half an hour, for it to cool down.

0:40:470:40:52

-So we'll then have to go faster to make the...

-We will have to go a lot faster and, um...

0:40:520:40:57

-break a few rules, I think.

-It can't go much faster.

0:40:570:41:02

JAMES: 'Jeremy, meanwhile, was getting into the spirit of amateur rallying.'

0:41:020:41:06

Loser! Loser!

0:41:060:41:11

We then arrived at the first closed-road stage,

0:41:140:41:19

which we would have to complete at a specified average speed.

0:41:190:41:24

-The speed...

-Zero.

-Si... The speed.

0:41:240:41:27

This...at what speed? Quanto...

0:41:270:41:31

Quanto...?

0:41:320:41:35

-Which one's too tight?

-That one.

0:41:350:41:37

Are you sure?

0:41:370:41:40

It's difficult to do this without actually getting hold of the work of the divine potter.

0:41:400:41:46

-Perfecto...

-No, what? 50?

-Bien...

0:41:460:41:49

50... No? Um...

0:41:490:41:53

I decided to just do it flat out.

0:41:530:41:57

We're going!

0:41:570:41:59

Down into second... Clip the apex!

0:42:010:42:04

'This made Joan very angry!'

0:42:040:42:07

-No, rapido, no!

-No, perfecto!

0:42:070:42:10

What's that mean?!

0:42:100:42:13

-Plus lentement? Rapido? Tranquilo?

-Tranquilo, tranquilo.

-Rapido.

0:42:130:42:18

'Meanwhile, in the Open University...'

0:42:180:42:22

When we get to this next one, stop that stopwatch and start that one at exactly the same time.

0:42:220:42:27

You then have a record of that one and that one is then timing it to the next one.

0:42:270:42:32

In fact, don't. That'll confuse us, because we have to take it away.

0:42:320:42:35

Leave that one running. Jot down what the time said.

0:42:350:42:38

Yeah?

0:42:380:42:40

Yeah.

0:42:400:42:42

We still weren't at the first stage,

0:42:450:42:48

and Brian was less than impressed with Granddad's Lanchester.

0:42:480:42:51

-THUD

-Ouch!

-Suspension's good, then.

0:42:510:42:55

-It is.

-I hardly felt it on this side.

0:42:550:42:57

It's good, yes? Finish?

0:42:590:43:01

What time? Show me the time.

0:43:010:43:03

Time! Time, Manuel!

0:43:030:43:05

Can't see, can't... I've no idea.

0:43:050:43:08

I've just done something and I don't know what it was.

0:43:080:43:11

'As it turned out,

0:43:110:43:13

'what I'd done is go way too fast,

0:43:130:43:15

'which meant Joan had to do yet more sums.'

0:43:150:43:20

Maths.

0:43:210:43:22

Can't talk to him. He's doing... literally sitting a maths exam.

0:43:220:43:26

But I bet the conversation in the bar at night is fun.

0:43:260:43:30

"I did more maths than you today."

0:43:300:43:32

"No, you didn't,

0:43:320:43:34

"I did more maths than you."

0:43:340:43:36

HE GROANS

0:43:360:43:38

'In fact, the only person enjoying this less than me

0:43:380:43:42

'was James' co-driver.'

0:43:420:43:44

-Divide 60 by 55.

-Why do you keep saying that?

0:43:440:43:48

It's a 60 thing, like the Assyrians had.

0:43:480:43:50

There's not 100 seconds in a minute, there are 60,

0:43:500:43:53

-and that is a decimal...

-What?

-Times 0.85 by 60.

-Do you just like saying different numbers?

0:43:530:43:58

-What do I do at this roundabout?

-Huh?

0:43:580:44:00

-What do I do at this roundabout?

-What roundabout?

0:44:000:44:03

RICHARD: 'Brian and I had finally arrived at the first stage.

0:44:050:44:09

'However...'

0:44:090:44:10

Bloody 'ell!

0:44:140:44:15

It's 40.

0:44:230:44:24

40 miles an hour.

0:44:240:44:26

So I'm driving about half the speed my car can go in order to win.

0:44:260:44:31

£25 is riding on this, Joan, £25, which is about 25 euros...

0:44:330:44:38

thanks to Mr Brown.

0:44:380:44:40

'To be honest, though, right now, my money was pretty safe.'

0:44:410:44:46

There would only be other cars here if they were lost in exactly the same way as us.

0:44:460:44:51

JAMES COUGHS

0:44:530:44:55

Left or right?

0:44:550:44:56

-That way.

-Do you know that or are you just guessing?

0:44:560:44:59

There is a left somewhere. Is it only...?

0:44:590:45:02

There's hundreds of lefts in it.

0:45:020:45:04

I prefer you do too.

0:45:080:45:10

Don't do... Please, don't do that.

0:45:100:45:12

-BEEP

-Now! Go, go, go, go!

0:45:130:45:15

RICHARD: 'Finally, we were doing our first stage. However...'

0:45:150:45:20

-Where do I go now, Brian?

-Forward! Forward!

0:45:200:45:23

Can you see out of the car exactly where we're going or not?

0:45:230:45:26

-Well, I can see sort of the hills and the sky.

-Right.

0:45:260:45:29

-I'll tell you what's happening in front of us.

-Straight ahead.

0:45:290:45:32

-I can't get this gear.

-It's a very big steering wheel, isn't it?

0:45:320:45:36

-Granddad liked to make sure you had good, proper-sized wheels.

-It makes you look smaller.

0:45:360:45:41

Well, now, erm... OK.

0:45:410:45:43

Oh, God, look at the steam coming out the bonnet.

0:45:430:45:46

Oh, my word!

0:45:460:45:48

'Realising he'd got off to a bad start,

0:45:480:45:51

'James was now trying to charm Maddie

0:45:510:45:54

'with some romantic conversation.'

0:45:540:45:56

It's not actually an overdrive, but you need to treat it as one.

0:45:560:46:00

It's actually a ratio of 1 to 1.

0:46:000:46:02

-It simply locks the input shaft to the output shaft.

-I don't know what you're talking about.

0:46:020:46:06

Do you actually do anything to your hair?

0:46:080:46:11

I wash it occasionally.

0:46:110:46:12

-SHE GASPS You should wear a hair band.

-No.

0:46:120:46:16

Oh, why couldn't we get one of them?

0:46:210:46:23

That's a nice car. I bet that don't overheat.

0:46:230:46:26

RICHARD: 'Just after lunch, we made it to the lunch stop,

0:46:300:46:32

'where Jeremy explained that Brian and I

0:46:320:46:35

'had amassed the biggest number of penalty points in rallying history.'

0:46:350:46:40

So, I've got 3,600 points, the lowest points worth.

0:46:400:46:42

You've got 41,897.

0:46:420:46:46

And you've got 44,000.

0:46:460:46:49

-It's quite close between you two.

-Yeah.

0:46:490:46:52

RICHARD: 'To punish Jeremy for his smugness,

0:46:520:46:55

'we decided to modify his car.'

0:46:550:46:57

That is now the heating jammed on?

0:46:570:46:59

-Yes, the only way to turn it off is to stop...

-And open the bonnet.

0:46:590:47:03

Lose vital seconds, or hours in his case,

0:47:030:47:06

because he won't be able to work out how to do that.

0:47:060:47:09

'But as we headed off to the afternoon stages,

0:47:090:47:13

'strangely, it was in the Citroen where things were getting hot.'

0:47:130:47:17

-I think it's in there.

-I can feel it.

0:47:170:47:20

-Yeah, it's a little tube.

-There.

0:47:200:47:22

-Yeah.

-Ooh! That's little!

0:47:220:47:25

Right.

0:47:250:47:26

Now, pout.

0:47:260:47:28

You can't have cracked lips.

0:47:290:47:32

RICHARD: I changed from first to third

0:47:320:47:35

in my gearbox, which means technically, I short shifted.

0:47:350:47:38

When I say short, I don't mean that... I'm not being rude.

0:47:400:47:44

You keep saying short, don't you?

0:47:440:47:46

No, I meant I short shifted. I wasn't being clever.

0:47:460:47:50

In the Healey,

0:47:520:47:54

my lunchtime smugness was starting to look premature.

0:47:540:47:56

Hello?

0:47:560:47:58

Ooh, God.

0:47:580:47:59

GEAR SHIFT GRATES ROUGHLY

0:47:590:48:01

No clutch.

0:48:010:48:03

-No!

-No!

0:48:030:48:04

'This meant I'd have to choose one gear for the stage

0:48:040:48:08

'and then stick with it.' Here we go.

0:48:080:48:10

GEAR SHIFT GRATES ROUGHLY

0:48:100:48:13

SCATTERED APPLAUSE AND CHEERS

0:48:130:48:15

-Perfect, perfect.

-Yes.

0:48:150:48:17

It's all going wrong for us this afternoon!

0:48:190:48:23

Also, I think the heater is on. Do you know how to turn it off?

0:48:230:48:26

'But Joan wasn't going to let anything mess up his maths.'

0:48:260:48:29

-IN SPANISH: Dale, dale!

-Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:48:290:48:32

Vaaaa!

0:48:320:48:34

We've got one gear, I can do nothing!

0:48:340:48:35

Vamos, vamos! Va, va, va!

0:48:350:48:38

I can't reach 50 kilometres an hour on this. It's impossible.

0:48:380:48:42

-Bueno, bueno. Fast, fast, fast!

-Yes, yes, yes.

0:48:420:48:45

TYRES SCREECH

0:48:450:48:47

Your handbag's in the way. God!

0:48:470:48:49

-They're laughing at the car.

-They're not. They're cheering us on.

0:48:490:48:53

OK, if you say so.

0:48:530:48:55

Why don't they speak English?

0:48:550:48:57

Because they're Spanish.

0:48:570:48:58

RICHARD: 'Following the shambles of the morning,

0:48:580:49:01

'Brian was now in a right mood.'

0:49:010:49:03

-Anything to let me know about?

-No.

0:49:030:49:07

-What about this massive tight left-hand bend here?

-I haven't got a map of the route.

0:49:070:49:12

What?

0:49:120:49:14

I haven't got a map of the route.

0:49:140:49:17

Come on, you should talk to me. There should be a constant stream of instructions issuing from you.

0:49:170:49:22

Left turn coming up.

0:49:220:49:23

In a hairpin.

0:49:230:49:24

You're just telling me things you can see out the window now you've got a cushion!

0:49:240:49:28

HE GROANS WITH EXERTION

0:49:280:49:29

-Vaya a la derecha.

-We're losing the brakes.

0:49:360:49:39

-I'm losing the brakes.

-Perfecto. Vaya, vaya.

0:49:390:49:43

'Because the Healey was in such a bad way,

0:49:430:49:46

'I managed to cross the line in a slow enough time for once.'

0:49:460:49:50

-We've finished.

-Yay! Yay!

-Is that good?

0:49:500:49:53

-Is that good?

-Ooh!

0:49:530:49:56

JEREMY LAUGHS

0:49:560:49:57

And the Love Boat finished on time as well.

0:49:590:50:02

-7.46.

-Yep. Spot on.

0:50:020:50:05

HORNS BLARE

0:50:080:50:09

Meanwhile, back in PC world...

0:50:090:50:12

I didn't mean Jeremy's car was rubbish because it's a Midget.

0:50:140:50:18

I just meant that's what it is.

0:50:180:50:20

It's an MG Midget...

0:50:200:50:21

It... I'm sorry.

0:50:210:50:23

RUMBLING

0:50:230:50:26

Brian, it's making a bad noise.

0:50:260:50:28

And a bad smell.

0:50:280:50:29

This is... I think I may have to stop for a moment.

0:50:290:50:35

'This meant Richard would miss the final checkpoint of the day.

0:50:350:50:38

'James and I had no problems, though,

0:50:400:50:43

'because all we had to do was stick to a motorway.

0:50:430:50:45

'It was therefore impossible to get lost.'

0:50:450:50:49

-Which way?

-Straight on.

0:50:490:50:51

-Are you sure?

-No.

0:50:510:50:54

Yeah, let's go there, it looks pretty.

0:50:540:50:56

You don't go there because it's pretty.

0:50:560:50:59

Well, there should be signs and there isn't.

0:50:590:51:01

Can you not work out...? Please can you take your hat off.

0:51:010:51:04

Please. Sorry, it's really lovely, but I can't see the cars coming.

0:51:040:51:08

-Thanks.

-Now I've got flat hair.

-That's not important.

0:51:080:51:11

No, I want it in the front.

0:51:110:51:13

'Mind you, it wasn't exactly plain sailing for me either.'

0:51:130:51:17

Come on, please, traffic. Please, please.

0:51:170:51:20

How can they have a rush hour in Mallorca?

0:51:200:51:22

Nobody does anything.

0:51:220:51:24

Get up, throw a donkey off a tower block,

0:51:240:51:27

sit in a plastic chair by the side of the road, go to bed.

0:51:270:51:30

Where does the rush hour come from in that?

0:51:300:51:33

Oh, God.

0:51:330:51:36

'Day one, then,

0:51:360:51:38

'of our first classic rally hadn't been a total success.

0:51:380:51:43

'However, day two sounded promising, because we were at a track.

0:51:440:51:49

'No more maths, no more stopwatches,

0:51:490:51:51

'just hour after hour of pedal to the metal action.

0:51:510:51:55

'Or so I thought.'

0:51:550:51:57

Each group does two rounds of four rounds each.

0:51:570:52:01

The first round of each round

0:52:010:52:03

serving as a reference time for the following three rounds...

0:52:030:52:08

'It turned out we'd set a time on our first lap

0:52:080:52:10

'and then we'd win if we matched that time on the next three.'

0:52:100:52:14

-Is that clear?

-No, I've got a question.

0:52:140:52:17

If you break down on your first lap,

0:52:170:52:19

-do you have to then break down on the subsequent three laps?

-LAUGHTER

0:52:190:52:22

RICHARD: 'I decided to break down before we started.'

0:52:220:52:27

Oh, God! Have you seen the oil raining off my chassis?

0:52:270:52:31

-Oh!

-It's just raining oil!

0:52:310:52:33

Come on, she'll do it. She's got to do it. She's a good old girl.

0:52:330:52:37

That's fallen off. That's all... Yeah, I meant that.

0:52:370:52:41

THEME TUNE TO "LOVE STORY" PLAYS

0:52:410:52:44

-Have you done the other side?

-You're going to sparkle.

0:52:480:52:52

If you or I had done that,

0:52:520:52:54

-he would kill us.

-Yes, he would.

0:52:540:52:56

'We then hit the track to set our benchmark lap times.

0:52:590:53:02

'And I decided, because the Healey was stuck in third,

0:53:020:53:06

'to keep things steady.'

0:53:060:53:08

Slowly, slowly, catchy monkey.

0:53:080:53:11

Set a nice, smooth lap time.

0:53:110:53:15

Looking good.

0:53:150:53:16

'James, obviously trying to impress Maddie, was being more vigorous.'

0:53:160:53:22

TYRES SCREECH Whoa!

0:53:220:53:25

Like a cross-Channel ferry!

0:53:250:53:28

-JAMES:

-Your teddy bear on the spare wheel is not entirely helpful.

0:53:280:53:32

RICHARD: 'In the Lanchester, it was business as usual.'

0:53:320:53:37

Was it a sort of boiling hissing sound?

0:53:370:53:39

No, it was a clunking sound.

0:53:390:53:40

Oh, the temperature's right up as well.

0:53:400:53:43

You've got to ease up, you've got to ease up.

0:53:430:53:45

Yeah, but we've got to get the time.

0:53:450:53:47

'Despite everything, though, even an official telling me to slow down,

0:53:470:53:52

'we were all starting to enjoy ourselves.'

0:53:520:53:55

I've seen more cars that I wanted to own today...

0:53:550:53:58

and you can come here and you can talk to people,

0:53:580:54:01

-use words like 16-valve and not be embarrassed.

-You can be who you are,

0:54:010:54:06

talk about cars, drive like a lunatic on a track.

0:54:060:54:09

It's quite nice to be a car person again.

0:54:090:54:13

It is.

0:54:130:54:14

'Back on the track,

0:54:150:54:17

'the Lanchester seemed to be behaving as normal.'

0:54:170:54:21

-Temperature's gone right up.

-Yeah.

0:54:210:54:23

'I was therefore confident I'd matched my original lap time.'

0:54:230:54:27

We did that 29 seconds faster.

0:54:270:54:30

-Did we?

-Yes.

-Oh, God.

0:54:300:54:32

That's a disaster if we're that far adrift.

0:54:320:54:35

'In the Love Boat, James, unaware that Maddie had decorated his helmet even more,

0:54:350:54:42

'was having the time of his life.'

0:54:420:54:44

I think we're coming up to your first stopwatch point.

0:54:440:54:46

Two minutes 36.

0:54:460:54:49

-Right, reset, then.

-Reset.

0:54:490:54:51

1.34, 2.36.

0:54:510:54:53

134, 236.

0:54:530:54:55

There you go.

0:54:550:54:57

'Sadly, our efforts were a bit pointless, because all Jeremy had to do to win overall victory

0:54:570:55:04

'was run calm and steady.

0:55:040:55:06

'And he knew that.'

0:55:060:55:08

He who shall be slowest shall be first.

0:55:080:55:12

'But then...'

0:55:120:55:14

Mmm...

0:55:140:55:16

I've got a big Mustang up my trumpet.

0:55:160:55:18

I don't like being overtaken.

0:55:190:55:22

It's a sign of weakness.

0:55:220:55:24

Let's have him.

0:55:240:55:25

O-o-o-o-oh! Power!

0:55:260:55:29

TYRES SCREECH

0:55:290:55:31

What's Jeremy doing?

0:55:330:55:35

Out of my way!

0:55:350:55:37

TYRES SCREECH

0:55:370:55:39

Oh, yes!

0:55:390:55:40

No-o-o, no-o-o, no-o-o!

0:55:410:55:45

'My little car may have been a bit broken,

0:55:450:55:48

'but I wasn't going to let it get beaten.'

0:55:480:55:50

Ah-ha! You weren't ready for that!

0:55:520:55:54

'Joan even forgot the maths.'

0:55:560:55:57

Grrrrrrr!

0:55:570:55:59

No, this is very bad!

0:56:020:56:04

Oh, yes!

0:56:040:56:07

Yes, what do you think of that!

0:56:070:56:10

Loser!

0:56:100:56:11

'But then the penny dropped.'

0:56:110:56:14

What I've done, I think, is accidentally got involved in a race with a Mustang

0:56:150:56:20

and ruined my time.

0:56:200:56:22

'Back at the pits, there was even more bad news.'

0:56:230:56:27

-So James May was perfect?

-Yes.

0:56:270:56:29

Damn it. I don't want to hear that.

0:56:290:56:32

James, you might be in with a shout at beating me.

0:56:320:56:36

Have you got your lap times?

0:56:360:56:37

They're pretty consistent. But we're only doing it to the nearest second.

0:56:370:56:42

He was only doing it to the nearest second!

0:56:420:56:44

Hammond,

0:56:440:56:45

-he may have a flower on his helmet...

-What?

0:56:450:56:48

..but he's still James May, so...

0:56:480:56:50

Have you put a flower on it as well?

0:56:500:56:52

That's what I was laughing at, there's a flower on your hat.

0:56:520:56:55

-Have a look.

-Bloody hell.

0:56:550:56:57

'We now had to wait to see if James had pipped me at the post.

0:56:590:57:03

'But either way, it didn't really matter,

0:57:030:57:06

'because our three King's Lynn crocks

0:57:060:57:08

'had made it to the finishing line.

0:57:080:57:10

'And on the way, they'd wormed their way into our hearts.

0:57:100:57:15

'In short, on this glorious island,

0:57:150:57:18

'all of us, in our own way, had fallen a little bit in love.'

0:57:180:57:22

APPLAUSE

0:57:260:57:29

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:57:290:57:31

This is the bet, £25.

0:57:310:57:35

Yeah.

0:57:350:57:36

-£25.

-So, who do I give it to?

0:57:360:57:39

Who do I give it to?

0:57:390:57:41

You give it, Richard Hammond,

0:57:410:57:44

to James May.

0:57:440:57:45

-What?!

-He is the winner.

-CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:57:450:57:51

Thank you.

0:57:510:57:53

Anyway, I have to say, all of us have fallen in love with the cars we had out there

0:57:530:57:58

to such an extent that for the first time ever,

0:57:580:58:00

after a film, all three of us have actually bought them from the BBC.

0:58:000:58:04

I had to buy the Lanchester, Granddad built it, it's part of the family.

0:58:040:58:08

I do have a bit of a disappointment for you on that,

0:58:080:58:10

because, you see, I discovered -

0:58:100:58:12

-before the rally began, if I'm honest, um...

-LAUGHTER

0:58:120:58:17

How can I put this? This particular Lanchester was built by Barkers, not Mulliners.

0:58:170:58:24

-What?

-Which means that what you've done is bought at great expense

0:58:240:58:28

a car built by SOMEBODY'S granddad.

0:58:280:58:30

-LAUGHTER Oh, God!

-On that bombshell, ladies and gentlemen, it's time to end.

0:58:300:58:35

See you next week. Good night.

0:58:350:58:37

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:58:550:58:58

E-mail [email protected]

0:58:580:59:01

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