Episode 3 Top Gear

Tonight, I talk to two old ladies.

Richard makes a phone call.

And James sniffs his own armpit.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Good evening, hello.

Hello, everybody. Thank you so much, thank you.

Now...

..we start tonight with the big one,

the all-new, all-British McLaren MP4-12C.

And there are two questions.

One, why have they named it after a fax machine?

And two, how can it possibly be as good as a Ferrari 458?

'McLaren themselves admit that the 458 is a great car.

'But they say that, scientifically and mathematically,

'they can prove that, in every single measurable way,

'their new car is better.'

'Well, certainly at £168,000 it is a tiny bit...'

..I was going to say cheaper, let's say less expensive than the Ferrari.

'It's also a tiny bit kinder to the environment,'

a tiny bit lighter, a tiny bit more economical.

'It's also quite a lot more powerful.'

The Ferrari has to make do with just 562 horsepower,

whereas the twin turbocharged 3.8 litre V8 in this churns out 592.

'The result is simple.

'0-60 takes 3.1 seconds. The top speed is 205.

'And though it's close...

'the Ferrari cannot live with that.

'And it's a similar story when the going gets twisty.'

'I love that Ferrari, and it is as quick round here...'

..as an Enzo.

But I think this is quicker still.

Ferrari has been in the Formula One game longer than anybody,

but McLaren, amazingly, has a higher hit rate.

'They've won one in every four Grands Prix they've ever entered.

'Which shows they certainly know how to make a car go round a corner.'

My God, they've worked their magic with this.

Can you see the Ferrari waggling its tail there? This isn't.

This grips onto the road like a terrified toddler grips on to its mother's hand.

So, Lewis Hamilton, watch and learn.

'This is how you pass a Ferrari...'

..without crashing into it. Oh, yes!

'One of the reasons the McLaren is so fast is its traction control system.

'A system that really comes into its own in the rain.

'It lets you drive hard, but it won't let you kill yourself.

'And that is just the tip of a technological iceberg.

'There's a flap on the back which raises when you brake hard,

'so you can't see what's about to crash into the back of you.

'And then we get to the suspension.

'A computer has replaced the anti-roll bars,

'so all four wheels are truly independent of one other.

'This gives you better cornering and, more importantly, a better ride.'

Over the years, we've seen the Stig cutting this corner,

putting two wheels on the grass to get the best possible lap times.

But if you ride a bump like that

in the sort of hunkered-down, firmed-up cars that he drives...

..the jolt is horrific.

It's like being dipped in liquid nitrogen and then hit with a hammer.

You just sort of shatter.

'In the McLaren, though, it's a very different experience.'

There we go, two wheels off the track.

You'd get more of a jolt if you drove a Rolls-Royce over a Jaffa cake.

'I've never driven a supercar that's even half

'as comfortable as this.

'Or as well-trimmed.

'It's all exquisite leather and stitching and beautiful graphics.

'It's a simple, elegant, truly lovely place to sit.'

So, yes, in every scientific and mathematical way,

this is better than a Ferrari 458.

It'll even do 30 miles to the gallon.

But there's something missing, something that can't be measured,

something you can't really put your finger on.

There's no...zing.

'This is the factory where the McLaren is made.

'It's like a laboratory. It's quiet, ordered,

'a magnesium and titanium Trappist world

'where perfection isn't quite good enough.

'It's very nice.

'But you can't imagine anyone here has ever put a whoopee cushion

'on the managing director's chair.

'You sense this lack of joy when you're behind the wheel.

'When you drive a Lamborghini,'

it's like you're operating a horse with some mustard stuck up its bottom,

'but when you drive this, it's like you're operating'

the sort of machine they use, I imagine, in ophthalmic surgery.

'We see the same problem with the way the McLaren looks.

'There's nothing wrong with it, but there's no art.

'You get the sense it was styled by software and shaped by science.

'Which it probably was.'

I'll give you another example.

You can turn the traction control off,

but it'd be easier to launch the missiles from a nuclear submarine.

You have to push that button and hold it down for 10 seconds,

then you push those two simultaneously,

and I said to one of the engineers, "Why does it have to be so complicated?"

He said, "Why would you want to turn the traction control off?"

I said, "Well, it'd be fun."

And you could see him thinking, "Hmm, fun?

"I must look that up in a dictionary."

'The McLaren, then, is like a pair of tights.

'Very practical and very sensible.

'The Ferrari, though, that is a pair of stockings.'

What are you on about?

Well, tights and stockings are designed to do exactly the same job.

But they don't.

I don't know, I only wear socks, Jeremy.

Can we just move on from the hosiery, chaps, back to the car?

Is the ride really that good?

Like a Rolls-Royce. Unbelievably smooth.

And do you know why? Wasn't developed at the Nurburgring.

Oh, God, he's off again.

True fact, it was developed, actually,

at the Top Gear test track, this car was,

so it should be able to set a blisteringly fast lap time.

Of course, to find out we have to give it to our racing driver.

Some say that he refuses to acknowledge

the existence of Nottinghamshire.

LAUGHTER

And that he recently received a very strong e-mail

from his fiancee's mother

saying it's bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet.

LAUGHTER

All we know is he's called the Stig!

'And it's off.

'MP4-12C may sound like a fax machine,

'but this car is fast, no doubt about that.

'Double clutch gearbox shifting seamlessly,

'going through the first corner,

'no dramas whatsoever.'

"DANCING QUEEN" PLAYS IN SPANISH.

'Stig listening to ABBA in Spanish, very weird.

'Almost as weird as the way it takes Chicago, strangely calm, that.

'Squirrelly under-braking into Hammerhead.

'Now the meat of the corner, and it's regained its composure completely.

'McLaren have actually been fiddling with the car since I drove it,

'so the ones you buy will have a sharper throttle.

"DANCING QUEEN" CONTINUES

'And more noise.

'OK, follow-through, a chance to really open up the twin-turbo V8.

'How much is he going to clip the corner?

'A lot, but he won't have felt a thing.

'Just two corners to go now, air brake helping out there,

'tyres squealing, only Gambon left.

'Millimetrically perfect, and there he is, across the line!'

Now...

OK.

Here is the Ferrari 458, 1.19.1. The Ferrari Enzo 1.90.

The MP4-12C, 1.16.2.

It is the second fastest car we've ever had here!

-Wow!

-That's amazing.

Right, now, we must move on because it is time for the news,

and we start with news of an event coming up,

the Cholmondeley Pageant of Power.

-The what?

-Cholmondeley Pageant of Power.

Excellent. We're the world's biggest motoring show,

and we begin the news with an item about a village fete.

No, it's like a northern Goodwood Festival of Speed.

-So a Goodwood with pies and gravy?

-No!

Anyway, the point is there's going to be a car at it I wanted to show you.

It's this, it's called the Brutus.

Yeah, it's magnificent.

Basically it's a 1908 BMW chassis, made in the 1920s

and it's got a 46 litre 12 cylinder aeroplane...

-46 litre?!

-46 litre 12 cylinders. Here's the actual engine out of it.

-Look at that!

-Holy cow!

It's like a Turner painting, all this steam, speed and fire.

-It's magnificent.

-I'm going to send that to Greenpeace to hang up in their foyer.

They'd love it, actually, because it does 0.18 miles to the gallon.

You're kidding?

I love the engine, but what fascinates me about old cars like this

is why people feel compelled to get into period costume before driving them.

I mean, you live in a 1970s house.

Do you feel the need to wear a shirt from the 19... Yes, you do.

He does, actually, yes.

Anyway, we have more news.

A few weeks ago I held a small birthday party for the E-Type Jaguar.

Yes, I recall, it was subtle.

Somebody else is having one at Silverstone on the weekend of 22nd July,

and they say 1,000 E-Types will be there.

I think what they mean is 1,000 E-Types will attempt to be there.

-On that particular day, 1,000 E-Types will try and start.

-Yeah, some E-Types will be there.

Why will they be there? I've never understood that.

You drive hundreds of miles in your car to look at some cars

that are exactly the same as the car that you just drove there in?

Well, is there anyone here from a car owners' club?

You are?

-And this is which club?

-Marlin.

-The what?

-Marlin.

-That's a fish.

That's a very lonely owners' club.

He goes and stands in a field all by himself.

Is there anybody here from a car club that's got more than one member?

What?

Renault Clio.

-Renault Clio owners' club?!

-How can there be a club for that?

-Do you go and meet and stand in fields?

-Car-parks.

Car parks?

Oh, I want to join!

"I've got a Renault Clio." "So have I!"

Any other car makers here?

-Anyone from the MG owners' club?

-Not here, obviously.

That's a good point, they won't be here, they'll be on the A3 going, "Oh, no!"

Now, can I just say, as we know,

birds sometimes defecate on your car.

At this time of year that's bad for the paintwork cos the lacquer is soft.

-What?

-Where are you going with this, mate?

-Where I'm going is this. A bird defecated on my car this week.

-That's terrible.

That's not that unusual. It'll have happened to people here.

Not like this.

OK, I've brought an iPad here, I know how they work, of course.

-Here is the bird.

-Yes, it's some bird poo on your back window.

That's a significant quantity of bird poo.

You'd say that's a big bird that did that. Look at this.

LAUGHTER

It gets to there and you think, "That must be the end."

That is a metre of faeces!

What bird can do a metre of faec...?!

I'm two metres tall and I can't do a metre of faeces!

You live in Oxfordshire, you've got those red kites there, they're big birds.

They are big birds, and they are carnivores.

Now, I examined this faeces, and there were seven cherry stones in it.

-Well, maybe it had a field mouse in a cherry jus in Oxfordshire?

-It didn't!

If the cherry stones were in its gut, it must have eaten the cherry whole,

which means it must've had a mouth like a Peugeot!

What kind of bird can have a gallon of guano in its gut

and still take off and achieve sufficient altitude to defecate on my Range Rover?!

-A big one!

-Maybe it was a flying cow.

-What?

James, you really do live in Hammersmith, don't you?

We should bear in mind this is the man who believes cows lay eggs,

-and he does. He said that on the show.

-You say that...

-I said eggs come from cows.

-Well, you see...

Can I just say, I want to have a competition on this.

If anybody can find a bigger piece of bird dirt than that

on their car, take a photograph and send it to us at Top Gear,

London, where are we? W12 7TS.

Mark your envelope, "You really are plumbing new depths this week."

Well, you are!

Now, there is a new Range Rover.

It's not as big as the real thing, but does it work?

To find out, I went to the United States. Which is in America.

'This is it.

'It's called the Evoque,

'and even though it's covered in Range Rover badges,

'it doesn't look especially tough or off-road-y.

'Little wonder, when the design consultant for this car was Victoria Beckham.'

This is one of those luxury lifestyle off-roaders,

which is why the producers have told me to drive it to Las Vegas,

where I have a job for the evening chauffeuring the cosmetically enhanced Cher.

However, there is a small obstacle in the way.

'Actually, it's quite a big obstacle,

'because my starting point is here.'

'Death Valley, one of the most inhospitable places on earth,

'boasting some of the toughest terrain a car could ever face.'

So, it's the perfect place to decide if the new Evoque is a proper Range Rover

or just a big designer girl's blouse.

'The edge of Death Valley was 150 miles away,

'and to get there I wasn't allowed to use any tarmaced roads.'

Now, this is no small challenge because the Evoque doesn't have a massive separate chassis,

it doesn't have a low range gearbox, and it doesn't have a big fire-breathing V8.

What it has is a four cylinder turbo diesel engine

making 187 horsepower,

and underneath it's based on the old Freelander,

which is loosely related to the Ford Mondeo.

I think the record temperature for this area is something like 137.

If the car were to break down out here,

I reckon it would be three, maybe four minutes

before I got into the crew's Range Rover and went back to the hotel.

'For the first few miles,

'the terrain didn't offer much of a challenge.

'But I did find out something pleasing about the Evoque.'

The ride in this car is excellent.

This surface is actually quite washboard...

..but this is soaking it up marvellously.

'That's because the dampers are filled with a fluid

'that contains magnetised iron filings,

'which can react in milliseconds to alter the firmness of the suspension.'

It's the same system, actually, that they use on the Audi R8,

only in this they can respond twice as quickly.

And if that was you responsible for that, Mrs Beckham,

then can I say thank you very much indeed?

'Mrs Beckham's suspension

'wafted me towards my appointment in Las Vegas.'

MUSIC: "Believe" by Cher.

# Do you believe in life after love? #

Stereo's good as well.

The interior is very good, nicely trimmed and everything,

but then it should be because this may be a baby Range Rover,

but even the most basic one starts at £28,000,

and if you have the Prestige model, like I have here,

then it's about £43,000.

'Soon, the going started to get much tougher.'

Ow.

'This is where you normally need a low-range gearbox,

'but instead the Evoque has an electronic off-road system called terrain response.'

Difficult terrain setting.

'Now I'd find out if it was any good.'

Find me some traction. There you go.

'Along with the terrain response, there are other 21st century aids'.

I can use, look, these cameras, there's five cameras on the car

which help me to look out for bits that I might otherwise hit.

Going on this one, I could miss that rock.

Loving your work, Mrs Beckham.

'Soon, I found myself in a narrow, rocky canyon,

'and the Evoque started to struggle.'

Make an aim for that bit.

HE GROANS

Yes!

Give me more of that!

I have to say, this is pretty good for a car that,

let's be honest, most people are going to drive to the shops

and occasionally across a field to a Pony Club meeting

or Gymkhana, or whatever they're called.

'But eventually the Evoque had to throw in the towel.'

Oh, no.

I must be a bit of a chump thinking I can get up that, must I not?

That is officially a small cliff.

Still, it's quite a noble effort.

I think we'll have to find a different way round.

'Having retraced my steps, I found another route

'and was soon flying along.'

Woo! This is better!

Look at the speed I'm doing,

I'm doing 70 miles an hour on my way to Cher.

'But then...'

Oh, no! Oh!

'With the sand dunes sitting slap-bang between me and Cher,

'there was no option but to put my faith once more in the terrain response computer.

I have it in sand mode,

and what it does is it changes all sorts of things,

the suspension settings, the throttle response,

and because I've got it in sand, I get very peaky power delivery,

it holds it in the lower gears, I can change manually in it, it keeps me going through the sand.

That's steeper than I thought.

'As it turned out, the baby Range Rover coped well on the sand.'

HE LAUGHS

What happens if I try and go up there?

Crikey, that's a big climb. You've got to be bloody careful.

'There was, however, a weak link,

'and, as ever, it was my internal sat nav.'

Hang on, hang on. Now I'm going the wrong way.

No. No, no, no.

It just looks like a sheet of beige paper.

'And then some enthusiastic locals turned up.'

Yobbos!

Come on, then.

I don't know what the hell the engines are they've got in those things,

but they're massive!

They've done a wheelie!

'After they'd stripped the Evoque of most of its paint...'

Thank you.

'..the Death Valley rednecks showed me the way out of the dunes.'

I've no idea who these blokes are, but they're good sports.

'Eventually, the buggy chaps deposited me on a dry riverbed,

'but since I was now running late for my date with Cher,

'there was no time to give the Evoque a breather.'

Well, this is about as fast as it will go, actually,

cos it's slightly soft.

I can get up to about 75 or so before the car starts squirreling around.

Again, Mrs Beckham, I have to commend you on your car.

'As the sun set, I came upon a marvellous sight.'

He-hey!

Oh, that's nice.

Mmm, lovely, lovely tarmac.

It's like a cool hand passed across your fevered brow, tarmac.

'It also meant I was out of Death Valley

'and on course to make my appointment.'

'Right, I'm pretty sure that Cher is not going to be interested'

in the road test of the Evoque, so here's a quick sum-up.

Things I like.

I think it looks excellent, it's particularly good off-road, as it turns out.

It has a nice, tasteful interior, and the ride is excellent.

Things I don't like, it's not that spacious in the back,

there are a few too many buttons on the steering wheel,

and the door mirrors are too big.

Anyway, onwards to Cher.

'Eventually, my destination came into view.

'Not that you could miss it.'

I've heard Cher's a bit of a diva, actually.

I don't know how she's going to take to...

HE SNIFFS

..a man who's done this much desert off-roading.

Hopefully she likes a bit of stinky rough.

'Soon, I arrived at the venue.'

Temperature set to something comfortable.

That's in the right mode.

CROWD APPLAUDS

Here we go, here we go.

Evening.

Are you a bloke?

Um, yeah.

So you're not actually...

Cher isn't a man?

No, I'm a man that plays Cher.

Right.

# I got you, babe... #

I could really use a burger right now.

Right. Well, that's my kind of language.

I'll see what I can do, sir/madam.

APPLAUSE

Hang on, was that one of those, um... What are they called?

Cross-dressing things? And then that wasn't really Cher?

Yeah. Apparently that Cher is actually called Steve.

But didn't you spot the difference? I mean, the Adam's apple and the...

-Never mind.

-No.

-We'll gloss over that.

The Range Rover, is it real? Does it feel like a proper one?

I think it does because it does work really well off road,

and it does have that... It feels special.

And I have to say, it looks fantastic. I mean, really brilliant.

It does look fantastic and it looks even better like that.

-That's the three-door.

-Yes, that's true. But there is a problem.

So you arrive at it - the three-door one - with your toddler.

It's raining, you've got to get the toddler in the back, and you pull the seat forward...

Unless you're David Beckham

and you could just sort of pop it in like that...

You are a half-wit. Look.

-Press that.

-Oh, yes, still raining, still holding your toddler, bored, very bored.

Can't be bothered to wait any more.

Let's move on because it is time to put a star - a Grand Prix star, no less -

in our old reasonably-priced car.

My guest tonight is a German who won last year's World Championship.

And this year's, he's already put his towel on that as well.

Ladies and gentlemen, Sebastian Vettel!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Here he is - the World Champion.

The World Champion is among us.

Have a seat, Sebastian.

Now, obviously, first of all,

huge congratulations on your win this afternoon.

-The problem is, obviously, it's Wednesday now...

-LAUGHTER

-but when this goes out on television...

-I see. Now I've got it. OK.

-I'm usually not that slow.

-So we've just run a few options.

What a shame - pipped at the last moment.

And then that mistake half a lap to the end.

What were you thinking of, man?!

Who could have imagined a giant meteorite would land on the track

and stop the race like that?

Now, a lot of people have been saying it's a boring season,

you know that you're going to win every time you watch.

-But it probably isn't boring from where you're sitting, is it?

-Never, no.

I mean, I enjoy it, you know.

I think the races are quite exciting, from what I see.

-Obviously I can't follow them live.

-Well, it would be tricky.

-You probably could.

-A bit in the monitors around.

-Do you actually watch the screens?

-Yes.

-You do?

-Sometimes, yeah.

It's not because I have so much time and I am so much ahead,

but it's sometimes quite useful to see what's going on.

-Obviously, when they are showing some...

-Crashes.

-Some birds, then it's...

Valencia was, let's be honest, a bit boring. I'm afraid I was fast asleep.

-Valencia, you just can't help...

-Maybe that comes with age.

-It is.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Sunday afternoon nod-off.

Anyway, I'll run through some of your achievements. The youngest ever world champion.

The youngest person ever to win a Grand Prix, the youngest ever to get a pole position,

the youngest person ever to score a point,

and the youngest person ever to score a fastest lap.

What were you like as a baby?

"And the first to use a lavatory..."

-Were you always a competitive child?

-I think I was always competitive.

I'm not sure about the lavatory bit.

I think it took me quite a while to understand, you know,

where you should and where you shouldn't...

We've got a picture - just to demonstrate how young you were -

of you meeting our old Stig for the first time.

There you go, look.

I think that's an endearing picture. What was happening?

-1995.

-You were...?

-Seven.

There was a championship in Kerpen, which is Michael's hometown.

That must have been a special moment for a seven-year-old, to meet Schumacher. Was he world champion?

-Yes, double world champion.

-What's it like know when you lap him?

-Is it weird?

-It is a bit weird.

You know, for me, when I was karting, Michael was the one I was looking up to.

So, when you lap him now, do you go like that?

-No, I mean...

-It must be tempting.

You know, the thing is, of course, he's a legend,

and there's things I can learn from people like him, drivers like him.

Can I just ask you to be honest now?

How much of your current success is down to that Red Bull car?

The one we've got over there, in fact.

Because Lewis Hamilton said it's just unbelievably quick following the Red Bull car.

Again, it depends. Our car, people know, and we know, our strength is in high-speed corners

because we do produce a lot of downforce.

But he didn't talk you through, probably, other tracks where they gain more than half a second

-down the straights.

-You know Adrian Newey because he designed the car that you drive.

I got to know him, yeah.

-I was at school with him.

-He told me that.

-Yeah, he used to copy me in physics.

-Really?

Yeah, it was really annoying.

-He didn't mention that bit.

-Mention it to him because I remember coming up with a double diffuser

and the KERS system, just doodling, really.

And he was like... You know those really annoying people at school?

Exactly. You might like to mention that to him.

And you give all your cars names?

-The racing cars.

-Yeah. What are these names?

-Brian?

-No.

-Not Brian?

-No.

-Roger?

-No, this year is Kinky Kylie.

LAUGHTER

It's got a nice back end, you know, so...

Last year it was Luscious Liz.

-Luscious Liz?

-Yeah. The year before it was Kate's Dirty Sister.

LAUGHTER

Now, you're a big fan, I understand, of Britain,

but British comedy in particular.

-Is that right?

-Correct.

-And are you a Python fan? Did somebody tell me you like Monty Python?

-Yeah, I do.

The first time I saw was The Life of Brian, the movie.

I saw it in German and I found it was funny.

And then I saw the English version and I loved it.

It's the same thing, actually, this show, they show in Germany now for a couple of years,

but you speaking German.

No!

LAUGHTER

Yeah. And it...

No, I won't have that! German? No!

And it just doesn't work, you know?

I can sort of believe that.

One of the reasons why it's easy to appreciate British humour is,

if you speak really properly good English, which you...

Can you even do accents?

That's a yes, isn't it? That was just a yes.

Not that I kno-ow of.

LAUGHTER

Can you do Birmingham?

Actually, Adrian brought me close to that Brummie accent

because he told some stories about Nigel Mansell in the past,

about the chicane in Monza where he was, I don't know,

10 or 20kph quicker than Piquet at that time.

And Piquet didn't understand, and then Patrick Head went to Nigel, Adrian obviously was there,

asking what he's doing. And he says, "I just take my hand..."

-BRUMMIE ACCENT:

-"I just turn my knuckles around the wheel and just go straight."

APPLAUSE

That's fantastic.

Anyway, obviously you've done many Formula 1 races

and you've been successful in a lot of them.

Today is the most important day of your career so far

-because you're here to do our lap.

-Yes, yes.

-How did it go out there?

-I have no idea. I don't know.

Usually you have reference, people tell you thumbs up, not so good.

Cos they don't tell you how your lap was.

The thing is you have got only that car and, you know,

I cannot come into the pits and say, "It's rubbish, change this, change that."

You know, I can complain but... Nobody bothers.

You did ask if you could check the tyre pressures before setting off.

-Yes.

-That's quite German.

Nobody else has said, "Can we check the tyre pressure?"

Cos this is the only opportunity, really, where Formula 1 drivers get to drive the same car

to see how you compare to all the others.

Yeah, so that's why I'm...

-Who'd like to see Sebastian's lap?

-ALL: Yes!

Let's have a look.

Lot of wheelspin.

Enough power to spin the wheels.

But not much after that.

Come on.

Must say it's nice to see the old Liana back.

There we are, look,

a Formula 1 driver again taking the wide line there.

Think I could have a cup of tea before the next corner.

Chicago. Not running wide.

Well, it seems stupid...

With these things you will never be on time!

Obsessed with punctuality even there.

I don't want to say, "Do you keep it in the lines?"

because you are the Formula 1 world champion, and you have.

And you manage to keep it under control on the way out as well,

unsurprisingly.

This thing is really slow.

It isn't. Listen to it!

Tortured tyres. Going through the follow-through.

92, 93, 94 mph.

Pretty quick. Very quick.

Did that hurt? The jolt?

It's a good car.

It is. Superb.

And into Gambon. Any two-wheel action?

None at all. There we are.

Ladies and gentlemen, across the line!

APPLAUSE

What's very funny now...

You just leant back, but you did the interview like that.

Then you were like that.

Yeah.

Where do you think you've come?

It was very windy, did you see?

LAUGHTER

Can you imagine the headwind accelerating when you have no power?

Any more excuses?

I have a couple lined up. Let's see.

You're leaning forwards.

Well, the fastest we've ever had is Rubens Barrichello,

who did it in 1.443.

You did it in one minute...

Good start.

40...

4...

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

Dead.

CHEERING

There you go!

Fastest F1 driver we've had!

Hang on. Hang on.

Wait. I just had a thought.

Why are we all surprised?

LAUGHTER

I'm surprised.

Come on! That you're faster than a 62-year-old Brazilian?!

I met the Stig. I'm faster than the Stig.

No, no, this is OLD Stig. We should get rid of him.

New Stig hasn't yet been round.

Yeah, he said.

There's a rumour he can do it in 56-57 seconds. A rumour.

"Some say", you mean.

Some say.

APPLAUSE

-Ladies and gentlemen...

-Now I can lean back.

Now I can lean back.

You can lean back now. You can relax. Well done for today.

It's fantastic to meet you.

Anglophile, good guy. Ladies and gentlemen, Sebastian Vettel!

Now, this is the Nissan Pixo

and it is the cheapest car on sale in the UK right now.

It costs just £6,995.

It sounds fantastic, but is it?

Jeremy decided to find out.

Well, here it is.

It's built in India and it has a one-litre, three-cylinder engine,

so it's very slow.

Also it doesn't look very nice, it isn't very spacious

and it comes with less equipment than a cave.

You do get power steering and anti-lock brakes.

Argh, ducks!

Missed them. Thank you, anti-lock brakes. Working well there.

You also get a radio, and a dial!

But if you want to get the window down,

you have to move this lever in an anti-clockwise direction.

To get it up again, you move it in a clockwise direction.

And it's a similar story with the door mirrors.

They're operated by these funny prongs.

You don't even get any carpets.

But if you pay an extra £37,

Nissan will sell you what they call

luxury velour textile floor mats.

If you spend £3 on top of that,

they will give you a Nissan-branded toggle bag,

containing both a sponge and a sachet of car shampoo.

Of course, you might say that for less than £7,000,

you should expect to do without speed and space and looks

and electric windows and carpets.

But do you have to?

Because what does £6,995 buy you

if you're prepared to ferret around on the second-hand market?

This for a kick-off.

This is a Bentley Turbo R.

It's 23 years old, it's done 122,000 miles

and this actual car is for sale right now for £6,995.

For all this!

I mean, look at it!

Not a Nissan, no.

What it is is a Bentley that I'm in, for the same money.

It's got five more cylinders than the Nissan and a turbocharger,

so it is MUCH faster.

And the luxury lambswool mats are included in the price.

If I operate this button,

my window goes up and down.

With this button, I can move my seat backwards and forwards.

With this button, I can adjust my horns. I can have a twin horn.

HORN BEEPS

Very nice. Or a single one. No. I'll just have a twin one.

Back in 1988, this car cost someone £79,000.

Here we are now and you can buy it for less than a tenth of that.

I mean, look!

Leather, leather, leather, leather. Wood. Leather, leather, leather.

Leather. Leather. Leather.

It is genuinely unbelievable

that that car costs exactly the same as this car.

Of course, we're not thick. Well, he is.

But even he knows that the Bentley was hand-made in England

and saying something was hand-made in England is just a way of saying

the door's going to fall off.

This isn't going to be as reliable as the Nissan.

When stuff does go wrong with this, the bills are going to be MASSIVE.

They are, they are. Don't worry though.

It turns out there are many, many alternatives.

All of the cars here are on the market right now

for less than the price of that Nissan Pixo.

The Honda S2000, for example.

This one is now for sale with 47,000 miles on the clock

for £6,500.

And you could have a Mazda RX8.

Look, four doors, like the Nissan Pixo.

This one has done 28,000 miles.

It's new! It's a brand new car!

Subaru Impreza, in budget, in the correct blue and gold alloys. Lovely.

-WRX, this one.

-It is.

Could you get an STI in budget?

-No.

-P1.

-No.

-RB5.

-Now you're just saying letters and numbers.

-SK1?

-That's the postcode for Stockport.

It's done 37,000 miles.

What?

It's only done 37,000?

It's got everything on it.

-Electric mirrors, air-con.

-Air conditioning.

£6,500.

That's fantastic.

Of course, some of the cars we found are cheap because they're rubbish.

But most aren't, like this Alpha, this Jag,

all these BMWs.

We even found a Porsche.

It's done 88,000 miles and it feels tight as a drum

and you are driving about in a convertible Porsche.

That's what worries me.

-Do you think we look a bit...

-Manly.

-No.

-Tough. No, the opposite of those things.

Hello there.

We're talking about football.

I'm just going to spit out of the window.

Can we go and have a look at some fighter jets?

Ready, go, go, go.

ENGINE BLARES

There. It just does a sort of raaaaah.

It makes a great noise, they are incredibly well-balanced.

It is hard to think of a better car for £6,500, or £6,900, than this.

That gave us an idea for a challenge.

Which one of us could buy the most amazing car

for the price of a Nissan Pixo?

This is my choice.

A Mercedes CL which I found on the internet for £6,995.

What makes that price particularly extraordinary

is that this is the top-of-the-range model, the V12.

It comes with just about everything.

It has a television, it has radar-guided cruise control

that maintains a set distance to the car in front.

It has voice-activated controls.

It has seats that massage you as you drive along.

If you bought the equivalent of this car today,

it would cost you £161,000.

And that makes this the bargain of the century.

No, it isn't.

Because THIS is.

The BMW 850ci.

It too has a V12 engine. Not the lesser V8-engined 840.

But what makes this car better than Jeremy's is...

Pop up headlamps.

Simple as that.

-How much did you pay for this?

-£6,700. Yours?

-£6,995.

-Less!

-How old is it?

-'94... 17 years old.

-Ahem, nine.

-Really?

-Nine years old.

-How many miles has it done?

-127.

-54,000.

-Rubbish!

Why does it have casters from a sofa instead of wheels?

OK, it's period. They were that size in those days.

What are they? 17? 16? 16-inch.

16-inch wheels.

And you know full well

that means fatter tyres and that means a better ride.

It's got Smarties for wheels. And is that ruched leather?

Oh, yes. Yes, it is.

Why do people from Birmingham like a ruche?!

To find out which of us had bought the best car,

we decided to conduct a series of tests,

starting, not unsurprisingly, with speed.

This is a 1.8 mile runway

and all we wanted to know is who'd get to the far end first.

Of course, what matters most of all in a race like this is power

and the simple fact is I have more of it.

A lot more. And more talk.

Because my car has pop-up headlamps, it is sleeker at the front,

more aerodynamic and, in a race like this, aerodynamics matter.

3, 2, 1, go!

Yeah! Oh...

And that is a goodbye, Hammond.

His car is limited, top speed 155.

BMW, not limited. Top speed, 156.

I can still whisper. 130 miles an hour.

140.

He's ahead, yes, but soon he will hit the limiter

and I will surge past.

155 miles an hour.

But that surging thing didn't happen.

Kack!

What a machine!

We pulled over for a post-race chat.

MOBILE RINGS

-Hello!

-Hello! Can I just say, what happened there?

Well, obviously the BM lost.

The weirdest thing was, as we crossed the finishing line at the end,

mine changed up,

so I think given a longer runway, like 50 miles longer...

-Yes, yes, yes.

-I would have won.

-Have you ever run a race while carrying a television.

-No.

-And a sideboard.

-I've got a television and a sideboard in here.

Can I also say I want one of these phones on a cord in my car.

HE LAUGHS

To try and understand why Hammond's car was so slow,

we put it on a machine that would reveal how many horsepowers

had escaped over the years.

There's no need to tether it.

Got to shackle this beast down.

-It took nearly an hour to get down that runaway.

-No, it didn't.

Soon the machine gave us an answer.

-How many was it?

-296 when it was new.

296 horsepower for your five-litre engine.

-How many years old?

-17 years old.

-269 at the flywheel.

27 horses have escaped.

-Less than two a year.

-You could eat that many horses a year.

Perhaps you're just a rubbish driver.

We then decided to test the Mercedes.

-Jet noise.

-That's not the car!

-To start with, 362 brake horse power.

-Yes.

Today, after nine years... Yes.

352.

352.

So my car has lost fewer horsepower than yours,

is faster than yours,

has much more equipment than yours.

It hasn't got pop-up headlamps and the leather is NOT ruched!

We then checked out our cars' interiors

using our old friend Mr Manlove

and his team of forensic experts.

You know the last time we tested cars like this on Top Gear,

didn't we find that yours was full of blood and mucus?

Yeah. And faeces.

After a microscopic examination, Manlove was ready with the results.

Why don't you go first, since you usually lose these.

All right then.

With the BMW, first of all, we're lacking faeces this time.

-No faeces for me!

-No faeces.

We do have plenty of saliva, which you would expect.

It's on the car phone.

When you talk, obviously little spatters of saliva...

I held it.

We also had a lot of material

which looked like rolled nasal mucus again.

-What nasal mucus?

-Rolled.

-As in...

-Picking and flicking.

-Absolutely.

Finally, there was an odour of urine.

Somebody has wet themselves.

It was a general pervading aroma.

I'm in another lavatory!

Right, the Mercedes.

There was some white powder found on tapings,

as was some herbal material

that looked like it had been cut or chopped.

-We didn't do any further testing on that.

-White powder sounds like talc.

-Could be talcum powder.

-Flour!

Moving on to the front passenger seat, there was a rhinestone.

We had chemical reactions that we would frequently find

if we were examining different types of cases

on potentially vaginal swabs.

-Vaginal...

-Material on the passenger seat.

Mine was a drooling businessman flicking bogies,

-wet himself. Yours...

-Was an interesting bloke.

-Could the rhinestone come from a vajazzle?

-What's that?

They don't have them in Herefordshire where you live.

I'm seeing a magic stick that you wave at things.

No, it isn't that.

With Manlove's test complete,

we took our cars onto the road to see what they're like on the...road.

Oh, yeah. Headlamps popping up. Ooh, yeah.

I'll put them away.

Just feels great.

It doesn't feel old-fashioned, outdated or second hand.

There's just not a clue that this is anything other

than an incredibly expensive car.

Rear roller blind, yep, that's working well.

Put it in sport mode, that works.

Raise the suspension up, lower it, turn the traction control off.

Cruise control.

In some ways, it's not really a rival for the Nissan Pixo,

but it is a rival for a brand new Mercedes.

You do have to ask, why would you buy one?

Let me just try the linguatronic, make sure that's working OK.

Radio Two.

-'Capital. Radio 4. News Direct.

-Cancel.'

That's working brilliantly.

Exactly like every linguatronic system I've ever encountered.

Total disobedience!

Soon, we pulled over in the town of Market Harborough

to conduct a little experiment.

-This Mercedes, V12, how much do you reckon?

-20, 25.

-20 or 25.

-27 grand.

-27 grand?

-12 or 13.

-12 or 13?

It's a V12 BMW, what would you think that was for sale for

if it was for sale today?

-About 12,000.

-12,000?

40 to 50,000.

What about this car, sir?

It's a V12 also. It's done 54,000 miles.

20, something like that.

If your neighbour put that on the drive,

you'd think, "They've done all right."

It's as we thought.

People think these cars are worth far more than we actually paid.

So what we have here are two V12 super coupes,

blasting through the heart of England

silently, quickly, comfortably and cheaply.

If the Nissan's done one thing for us,

it's let us know that these cars are out there for that kind of money.

It's a complete no-brainer.

APPLAUSE

I know. I know.

I honestly believe...

I believe we really are on to something here.

They are both brilliant. What?!

Have you two taken complete leave of your senses?

-Why?!

-Because anybody who buys an ancient V12 coupe

instead of the economical three-cylinder little hatchback

is going to end up bankrupt and living in a skip.

Listen, Captain Killjoy! How do you know?

A modern Formula 1 car doesn't break down, so what makes you think

that a relatively modern road car is going to break down?

Because Formula 1 cars

are not owned by people who fill them with...

with snot and lady juice.

Nelson Piquet did.

Anyway, we anticipated your objections

and we didn't just borrow these cars to drive, we actually bought them.

What, with money?

Yes, and we're going to run them for a while and report back

and inform the viewers on just how reliable they are.

Really? I am prepared to bet you two all of my hair

that within two weeks, one of these has gone bang.

James, there will be no bombshell.

And on that bombshell, it is time to end. I do apologise.

Tonight's show has been about cars.

-Even the guest.

-Even the guest was a driver.

Don't worry, next week, normal service is resumed.

There are many accidents and a light fire.

We'll see you then. Good night.

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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