Episode 7 Top Gear


Episode 7

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Transcript


LineFromTo

-Tonight, Raikkonen...

-Oops.

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-Evans...

-Can't believe it.

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Slash...

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and bash, as we do proper motor racing.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello and welcome to the playground.

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Welcome, everybody. Thank you.

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Thank you so much.

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Now, we begin with the BMW M5.

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AUDIENCE LAUGHS

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For the last 25 years, it has been the best fast saloon.

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Erm, which is a bit of a problem for BMW every time they replace it,

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as Richard Hammond shall now explain.

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This is the outgoing M5 in action and, straightaway,

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you can see the problem.

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It's brilliant.

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Big, 500 horsepower, V10 upfront,

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naturally aspirated,

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it's just distilled essence of single-malt driving pleasure.

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And that gives BMW a problem much like that faced by the makers of Die Hard 4,

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or of Cheryl Cole's 2011 calendar.

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This is a personal analogy, but it works for me.

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The problem is this - where to go next?

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Well, this is where they've gone the next. It's the brand-new M5.

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It costs £73,000 and, on paper,

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it sounds like a much tamer beast.

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For starters, the magnificent V10

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has been replaced by a more polar-bear-friendly V8.

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When you're driving along, you can certainly hear it.

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But then you would as it's fitted with a system

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piping a synthesised version

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of the exhaust note through the stereo.

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ENGINE REVS

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That's kind of cheating, isn't it?

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Thanks to additions like the seven-speed double-clutch gearbox,

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this new M5 now weighs 90 kilograms more than the old one.

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At first glance, then, it seems like the M5's

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rock 'n' roll days are over.

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Oh, dear.

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I seem to have accidentally pulled up alongside the old M5,

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for what looks like the makings of a drag race.

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Yeah, there's a man in a white coat and everything.

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Three, two, one, go!

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Oh, ho-ho ho! That's some power!

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Getting ahead.

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Yeah, this is probably a good time to tell you more about that V8.

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It's got two turbos which gives it 552 brake horsepower,

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52 more than the V10,

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and more torque.

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A lot more torque.

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And it's quick!

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Ya-hah-ha!

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Had you worried for a moment, then!

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More firepower in the engine bay

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is just the first piece of good news.

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In the old M5, you got a techno-overload

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of 11 gearshift settings.

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In the new one, it's a more sensible three.

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And, with that new twin-clutch gearbox,

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the shifts are so fast, the gap between them

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can't even be measured. That's good,

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But it's not as good as the way this car simply devours corners.

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TYRES SCREECH

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HE LAUGHS

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Unlike Porsche, with their new 911, BMW has not gone for electric steering,

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but instead stuck with old-fashioned hydraulics.

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And it's so much better for it. There's much more of that feedback.

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It actually lets you know which way the front wheels are pointing.

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With these settings in full track mode, you can smoke all day long.

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And, when you've had enough of that,

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at the touch of a button, it becomes a completely different car.

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The old one was always a bit, you know, "Grr-argh",

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always straining at the leash.

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But this one, it can be a proper lunatic M5.

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Or a soothing companion when you just want to drive along the M5.

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See, the motorway? The M...

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It's also more economical.

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It has a bigger fuel tank so it can go harder for longer,

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and then there's the ride.

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It's really, really good, comfortable.

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There's no stupid rock-hard run flat tyres.

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It feels better than a normal five series.

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The new M5, then, is not only better than the old one,

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I'd say that, as an all-rounder,

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it's actually the best car in the world right now.

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And, in some ways, it reminds me of this...

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..The BMW M1.

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In 1984, BMW actually took the engine out of that

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and put it in a five series

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and the original M5 was born.

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The point is the M1 was the first supercar

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that could also be civilised in the real world.

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And that's what they've done here.

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Meet the new boss, same as the old, old boss.

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-I see what you did there.

-It's a heck of a thing!

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I have to say, that car - I drove it the other day - is epic.

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-It is amazing.

-Phenomenal car. You like the M5, as well, don't you?

-Yep.

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The only problem with it is that in the past,

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an M5 was worth it because it was

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so much better than an ordinary five series but the normal five series

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now is so good, it's hard to justify spending the extra.

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Well, you're quite right. Have you driven the 530 diesel?

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It's stupendously good.

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And it's £30,000 less than an M5 and it's an almost completely perfect car.

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Did you know that in the diesel, if you're careful,

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you can go almost 1,000 miles on one tank full of fuel.

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-That's all you want. 1,000 miles.

-God! How old are you two?

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Well, I haven't spent the last 10 years being 38, unlike some people I know.

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I like 38. It's a nice age. I'm going to do it again this year.

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Hammond, we don't have time to cut you in half

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to see how old you are cos we've got a very busy show.

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We also don't have time, I'm afraid, to show you The Stig going

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round in the M5 but we can tell you he did it in a 1.29.2.

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Pouring with rain, meaningless time.

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So what we'll do is move on, swiftly, and do the news.

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-Yes.

-And we begin with this.

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If you drive a car without a windscreen at 50 miles an hour,

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your face looks like this.

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We established this very clearly, last week.

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Now, if you take the speed up to 80, your face becomes this.

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LAUGHTER

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So can you begin to imagine what your face would look like

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if you were to drive one of these?

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Inside out, I should imagine.

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This is the 217mph - concept at the moment - Lamborghini Aventador J.

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Has no windscreen, has no roof, and I can only imagine, Hammond,

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that if you were to drive that, your face would end up like that.

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I don't know why you're laughing, James,

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-because I've done research.

-Have you?

-Your face'd look like this.

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Let's move on.

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The government is holding a big summit to try

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and find out how to prevent sat navs accidentally steering people into fields and canals and railways.

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-Yeah, always reading about them.

-Heard this discussed on the news and one bloke had

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contacted them to say, "I was using my sat nav, driving along in my car,

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"concentrating, when I drove down a ramp, past a lifeboat into the sea."

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LAUGHTER

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Well, clearly, you weren't concentrating

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because you drove into the sea.

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The government summit just needs to say,

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"If you allow your sat nav to steer you into a field, or the sea, or a nun,

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"it's your fault because you're a blithering idiot."

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-Yes.

-You're so right. It cannot be the sat nav's fault.

-It isn't.

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A friend of mine lives in Knightsbridge, in the middle of London,

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wanted to go and see Chelsea play at Stamford Bridge,

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put Stamford Bridge into the sat nav

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and only realised something was wrong while going past Peterborough on the A1,

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on the way to the TOWN of Stamford Bridge, rather than the big football ground.

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How daft d'you have to be to do that? It's only a mile down the road.

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How thick do you have to be to believe what the digital

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pretend woman on the dashboard says over what you can actually see out of the window?

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I mean, the sea, for example, it's big, it's blue, the top of it

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wobbles around and isn't suitable for motor vehicles. Don't drive into it.

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Now, pay attention, everybody. Are you Mario Balotelli or Wayne Rooney?

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-HE MOUTHS

-Or that ginger one...Paul Scholes.

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-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Does your downstairs lavatory look like this?

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Nice.

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Anyway, if your downstairs loo looks like this and you're a premiership footballer -

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good news, because Bentley has made a new 4x4.

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Here it is.

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AUDIENCE: Oww!

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It is just a concept at the moment and it is HIDEOUS AND DISGUSTING! Look at it.

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Did he step away from his design and go, "Yes, that's exactly what I wanted"?

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He must, at some point, said, "Yeah, that's my day's work done. I'm going home."

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Does anybody here like that?

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-What?

-Yes?

-Seriously?

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That's because you're sitting behind the television and you can't see it.

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-You see, it's not there. It's here. Look.

-Seriously?

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-Yeah, I like that.

-Do you have, in your house, those pillars either

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-side of the front door like a clang-clang-clang when you hit it?

-No, but I'd like them.

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-Have you got two fake stone lions on either side of the gates?

-No, I'd like them as well.

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This is My Big Fat Gypsy Wedding being played out

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-right here, right now.

-What's going on? And there's the car.

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APPLAUSE

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The Only Way Is Cheshire. There you go.

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Ooh, now, next weekend, Formula 1 returns

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and the big news is that one of the old guard is back.

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But, before that he's here. Ladies and gentlemen, Kimi Raikkonen!

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Mate, have a seat.

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So, there we go.

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Back in Formula 1.

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How does it feel? How does it feel to be back?

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Very normal. I mean, the cars are same. The people are the same.

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Same story.

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I just want to clear up, you're racing for -

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because I'm a bit lost with Lotus - you're racing for Lotus Renault?

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Er, yeah.

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That's what it says on there.

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Yeah, Lotus Renault but there's another Lotus.

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You've got Lotus that make cars in Turnipshire

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but that's got nothing to do with this.

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No, I think the Lotus is just the sponsor.

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So, is it a Renault?

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No, it's...

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LAUGHTER

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You don't know who you're racing for, do you?

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-It's Renault factory built, so...

-And you're sponsored by an anti-dandruff product.

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-Is that good?

-Seems to be working.

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LAUGHTER

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Maybe you should try.

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LAUGHTER

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Could be worse, could be Anusol.

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Now, I have to say, I sincerely hope your return is successful.

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Really, genuinely, I do,

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because I love it when you're in the post-race press conference

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and they ask those big, long, convoluted questions,

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"So, in the third corner you came up the outside, then you jinked left,

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"then right and then you went on the inside, what happened?" And you just go, "That."

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-LAUGHTER

-Yeah. I mean, you can make it very complicated to answer

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but then you can also be straight

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and tell the true story, so usually it's much more easier.

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Is it a Finnish thing to be economical with words?

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I think there are a lot of different people in Finland, like they can tell

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the long way or the short way, but for me it's easier to say the short way.

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I've got some of my favourite ones, actually. There was the famous one

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when Michael Schumacher got his lifetime achievement thing in Brazil, from Pele,

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and Martin Brundle said, "Did you see the ceremony?" You said no because...

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I was busy.

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"Taking a dump," is what you said.

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I mean, I told the truth, a true story, so...

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I fell off my chair laughing!

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I like this one. "The helmet has a special meaning for many drivers.

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"How important is it to you?" You said, "It protects my head."

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LAUGHTER

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I quite like... someone asked you, "What do you think of the Abu Dhabi circuit?"

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Um...

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-You said, "The first few turns are good, but the rest of it is

-BLEEP."

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It's true the last part is not very good. It's very twisty.

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It's catastrophically boring to watch cars race round there, from our point of view.

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I think it's many other circuits also. It's not just that.

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-No, there are a lot. You start in Australia, don't you?

-Yeah.

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-And that's next weekend.

-Yes.

-How will you get on? Good?

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We hope. I mean, I don't know, nobody knows where everybody is.

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It's a bit complicated to say from testing, but we will see one week

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and, hopefully... I think our car's not too bad.

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The car is not too bad?

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-Yeah.

-Have you been hard at work training to come back?

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Um, a little bit more time than normal, but it should be OK.

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-Have you given up drinking?

-No.

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LAUGHTER

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-Actually, did you meet The Stig today?

-Yeah.

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-Do you realise you're his hero?

-Yeah?

-Did he say?

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He didn't speak a lot. I think his work would be perfect for me.

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-No need to speak, just drive around in different cars.

-You didn't speak to each other?

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-A little bit.

-He did speak to me.

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He said, "I've always really liked Kimi Raikkonen,"

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-and he met you once before.

-Oh, yeah?

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Well, he wasn't drinking in a bar, but he was in Monaco

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standing in a bar and then somebody collapsed, drunk, on his feet.

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-Yeah? It was me.

-Yeah.

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LAUGHTER

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He looked down and went, "Oh, it's my hero."

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Hopefully, he'll help me, then, huh?

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I've always wanted to check this out. Before your very first race,

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your very first race, is it true you were found in your motor home

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30 minutes before the race fast asleep?

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Er, not in the motorhome.

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It was in Australia so we had just small boxes there.

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-But you were asleep?

-Yeah, under the table. I found a nice place.

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It's normal. I always sleep before the race.

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-Usually there is a little bit of time to relax.

-Really?

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Yeah. I like sleeping.

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Was it before the Ferrari race that you entered a snowmobile race in Finland?

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Yeah, I think it was 2007. I've been a few times in the race.

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-Do Ferrari let you do snowmobile racing?

-I didn't really ask, but I guess...

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You have a very strict contract, but as long as you don't get hurt too badly.

0:16:150:16:21

Talking of which, show me your arm.

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-No, undo your shirt.

-It's OK.

-This is...

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-What's that?

-It's a scar.

-What from?

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Um... Some snowmobile, I think.

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And that was recent?

0:16:340:16:36

Yeah, it was before Christmas I hurt it a little bit

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-but I had a good doctor to fix it.

-Let's have a look.

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That is big. Did you break it?

0:16:450:16:47

-A little bit.

-A little bit broken?

0:16:470:16:49

-Anyway, obviously, you came down here to try it.

-Yeah.

0:16:490:16:53

I have to say the Suzuki Liana, the Formula 1 car,

0:16:530:16:56

the old reasonably priced car, how was it?

0:16:560:16:59

It was better than I expected, so...

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I mean, it wasn't too bad.

0:17:030:17:06

It was quite wet so it was slippery and I got a bit sideways a few times but it was good fun.

0:17:060:17:11

Who'd like to see Kimi out there having fun in our Liana?

0:17:110:17:14

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-Let's have a look. Here we go.

0:17:140:17:17

-Yep, that has begun.

-There was a nice helicopter on our left.

0:17:220:17:27

Well, I think you've covered everything there.

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There you go. That's the line we like to see from Formula 1 drivers,

0:17:300:17:33

very wide.

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Oh, that's just perfectly judged.

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Maybe it was luck.

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GEAR CLUNKS

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Oops.

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You see?

0:17:520:17:54

You don't need any more than "oops", although it is a surprise

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to see a Formula 1 driver cocking up a gear change.

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Actually, you don't have to change gear in Formula 1.

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-It's much easier.

-It is.

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It's not a bad car to drive in, then.

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You should be a road tester on Top Gear. "And now back to the studio."

0:18:100:18:16

We don't need to say any more than that.

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Hammond rabbiting on earlier about the M5. What's the point?

0:18:190:18:22

Here we go, second-to-last corner.

0:18:220:18:26

Unlike most of the guests, you held it on the track, round Gambon

0:18:260:18:30

and there we are, everyone, across the line.

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CHEERING

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Ho-ho!

0:18:350:18:37

Now, these are the peeps from Formula 1 who have tried it before.

0:18:400:18:44

Sebastian, your badminton partner, I understand.

0:18:450:18:48

-Yeah, at least I can beat him in badminton.

-Can you beat him in badminton?

-Yeah, every time.

0:18:480:18:53

-It's good to know someone can beat him at something.

-Yeah.

0:18:530:18:56

Our fastest wet lap is Lewis, 1.44.7.

0:18:560:19:00

-It's actually only mildly moist.

-OK.

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Proper wet, it's probably Jenson Button.

0:19:030:19:07

No, it was Webber, I've just been told.

0:19:070:19:10

-I hope I will be in top 10.

-Top 10?

-Yeah.

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-Somewhere there.

-You're going to make it.

0:19:130:19:17

That's my prediction. I've got the time here.

0:19:170:19:19

Kimi Raikkonen, you did it in...

0:19:190:19:22

What was Webber? The only really wet one? 1.47.1.

0:19:220:19:26

You did it in...

0:19:260:19:28

One...

0:19:290:19:31

40...

0:19:320:19:33

Six, one.

0:19:350:19:36

Oh, I haven't put the W on. I've got to put the W on.

0:19:420:19:48

-It looks better now.

-It does, we'll remember that.

0:19:480:19:50

Well, Kimi, huge pleasure to have you here.

0:19:500:19:52

Huge pleasure to have you back in Formula 1.

0:19:520:19:55

Very, very best of luck with the season.

0:19:550:19:57

Ladies and gentlemen, Kimi Raikkonen!

0:19:570:20:00

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:20:000:20:04

Now, you may remember that a while back, Chris Evans out of Radio 2

0:20:070:20:12

spent five and a half million of his pounds

0:20:120:20:15

on a very rare Ferrari 250GT California Spyder,

0:20:150:20:19

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-One of only 56 ever made.

0:20:190:20:23

When I was a boy, this was always my favourite of the classic Ferraris.

0:20:230:20:27

I've always wanted to drive one.

0:20:270:20:30

This is Chris's garage,

0:20:330:20:35

a place where his mostly white collection of Ferraris,

0:20:350:20:38

including an F40, a Dino and a 288GTO,

0:20:380:20:43

is pampered and entertained.

0:20:430:20:45

Why did you choose white? It's a big decision once you've chosen white...

0:20:490:20:53

They were all going to be different colours

0:20:530:20:55

but we couldn't figure which colour to paint the Dino.

0:20:550:20:57

So we said, "Let's paint the Dino white."

0:20:570:20:59

The Dino was the first finished, it looked so good in white, we said,

0:20:590:21:02

"What the hey! Let's do them all white."

0:21:020:21:04

'When I'd listened politely for a well-mannered amount of time...'

0:21:040:21:08

-It's got the nod to the GTO.

-Mm.

-250 short wheelbase.

0:21:080:21:12

'..I got to the real reason for my visit.'

0:21:120:21:15

Where's the California?

0:21:150:21:17

-It's over there.

-Can we see it?

0:21:180:21:21

-I must take my shoes off to go through?

-Absolutely.

0:21:210:21:24

Come on. Sort it out.

0:21:240:21:27

I've never, ever been asked to take my shoes off in a garage before.

0:21:270:21:30

CHRIS LAUGHS

0:21:300:21:31

Oh, look at that!

0:21:310:21:32

Oh, man!

0:21:340:21:35

-May I?

-Yeah, course.

0:21:380:21:39

Oh! Ho-ho ho!

0:21:410:21:42

Wow!

0:21:420:21:44

Can I have a go?

0:21:480:21:49

What do you mean?

0:21:490:21:51

-Huh?

-What do you mean?

0:21:510:21:54

Can I...can I drive it?

0:21:540:21:56

-What, out of here?

-Yeah.

0:21:560:21:58

It is me. If it was Pinky or Perky,

0:21:580:22:01

I could understand your reticence, but I'm a...

0:22:010:22:05

Can't I? Chris, I've waited all my life just to stand next to one of these.

0:22:050:22:09

-I know it was expensive.

-Oh, God.

0:22:090:22:13

But I won't ever get another chance.

0:22:150:22:17

-Take it out, be careful...

-Of course.

0:22:200:22:23

-Avoid standing water.

-I do this in my Fiat Panda.

-Yeah, I'm sure.

0:22:240:22:28

You know, just be careful with it.

0:22:280:22:31

-Of course I'll be careful.

-All right.

-Thank you.

-Yeah.

0:22:310:22:34

I appreciate it.

0:22:340:22:35

Before I set out, Chris insisted we put the roof up, in case it rained.

0:22:350:22:42

That doesn't really work, does it?

0:22:430:22:46

-Well, that doesn't work at all. Oh, no!

-How much was it?

-Oh, God!

0:22:460:22:51

With the roof abandoned, I set off in one of the world's rarest cars,

0:22:530:22:59

already starting to wish that Chris had said no.

0:22:590:23:02

Right, there is a car coming.

0:23:060:23:08

It's a long way off, but this could cut out, you never know.

0:23:080:23:12

It's an old car, so let's just hold back.

0:23:120:23:15

Go, go, go!

0:23:260:23:30

Right, I'm on real roads, with real cars.

0:23:320:23:35

Those people might be trying to send a text.

0:23:350:23:38

Those people over there may have been drinking.

0:23:380:23:41

This is a fantastic moment

0:23:420:23:43

in my driving life, but it is rather being spoiled

0:23:430:23:48

by the thought of £5.6 million.

0:23:480:23:51

It's a bit like being given an original Rembrandt

0:23:510:23:54

and then being told to take it down the pub on Friday night.

0:23:540:23:57

No, I can't honestly say I'm enjoying it.

0:23:590:24:02

Don't reverse.

0:24:020:24:05

Get off the phone.

0:24:050:24:07

Oh, God! Not here.

0:24:080:24:10

Oh, don't say you want to go backwards.

0:24:130:24:17

Steady, steady.

0:24:260:24:28

Thank you.

0:24:310:24:32

I think I'm going to get away.

0:24:320:24:34

Yes, freedom!

0:24:350:24:37

'And then things got slightly worse.'

0:24:370:24:41

BOYS CHEER

0:24:410:24:42

Be careful of the car, it's very valuable. Mind the car.

0:24:420:24:45

Stay away from the car.

0:24:450:24:47

'Those pesky kids were the last straw,

0:24:470:24:50

'so I went and hid, in Windsor Park.'

0:24:500:24:53

And...relax!

0:24:560:24:58

Right, the Ferrari 250 GT California,

0:25:000:25:03

what is all the fuss about?

0:25:030:25:05

Well, besides the fact that it's rare, the California has always

0:25:070:25:11

been one of the most desirable Ferraris, built to allow

0:25:110:25:14

wealthy West Coast Americans to soak up their sunshine.

0:25:140:25:19

This car, for example, belonged to the film star James Coburn,

0:25:200:25:24

who kept it for 23 years.

0:25:240:25:28

Coburn was one of Hollywood's petrol-head elite,

0:25:280:25:31

along with Steve McQueen. In fact, it was Steve McQueen

0:25:310:25:35

who persuaded Coburn to buy it from a Belgian dealership

0:25:350:25:38

while they were filming The Great Escape together.

0:25:380:25:42

The other reason this car is part of automotive royalty

0:25:450:25:48

is quite simply because of its astonishing beauty.

0:25:480:25:52

It was built by Ferrari's favourite metalworker,

0:25:550:25:59

Sergio Scalietti, who never really bothered with drawings,

0:25:590:26:03

but beat out the panels using an artist's eye and a craftsman's hand.

0:26:030:26:08

That's why it's said

0:26:080:26:09

that no two Californias are exactly alike.

0:26:090:26:14

But putting all the romance and history to one side for a moment,

0:26:160:26:19

what's this car like to drive?

0:26:190:26:21

It's fantastic!

0:26:220:26:25

Yes, it is! Come on!

0:26:250:26:29

You can tell it's an old Ferrari. The steering wheel is enormous.

0:26:330:26:37

The driving position is ridiculous.

0:26:370:26:39

The pedals are actually over near that tree somewhere,

0:26:390:26:42

but it's lovely. It's so special.

0:26:420:26:46

I can actually feel the wood on the steering wheel

0:26:500:26:52

flexing slightly as we go over bumps.

0:26:520:26:56

Its 3-litre V12 produces just 280 horsepower,

0:26:560:27:00

and 0-60 takes around 8 seconds.

0:27:000:27:04

Slow by modern Ferrari standards, but that's not the point.

0:27:040:27:08

Cars like this, the performance is not about the figures.

0:27:080:27:12

It's about the nature of the delivery.

0:27:120:27:15

You get it above about 3,500 rpm -

0:27:160:27:18

I'll drop it down so you can see what I mean.

0:27:180:27:20

ENGINE REVS

0:27:200:27:22

California!

0:27:260:27:28

I don't want to get emotional,

0:27:330:27:35

but this is the realisation of a childhood dream.

0:27:350:27:38

When I was seven or eight years old,

0:27:380:27:40

I looked at pictures of this car and I thought, "I wonder

0:27:400:27:43

"if I will ever drive a Ferrari 250 GT California," and here I am.

0:27:430:27:48

It's absolutely magical.

0:27:480:27:51

I've met my hero, and I'm not disappointed.

0:27:530:27:55

Really, it was time to give Chris's car back.

0:27:560:28:00

But since he works on a breakfast show,

0:28:020:28:04

I reckoned he'd be in bed early

0:28:040:28:06

and he wouldn't miss it for a bit longer.

0:28:060:28:10

SPEECH DROWNED BY APPLAUSE

0:28:240:28:26

It's close, I agree it's close, but I still think it's that.

0:28:260:28:29

I still can't believe he let you drive that car.

0:28:300:28:34

-Well, why not?

-Because as we learned from Monopoly, you are a liar

0:28:340:28:37

and a cheat.

0:28:370:28:38

-You brought the bank down.

-Yes, you are Sir Fred May.

0:28:380:28:43

You should be made to hand back that honorary doctorate.

0:28:430:28:46

-Now we know more about...

-Hammond, we don't have time

0:28:460:28:49

for any more arguing about Monopoly

0:28:490:28:51

because I need a Slash, and luckily, we've got one. He's over there!

0:28:510:28:56

Look who's here. How are you?

0:29:010:29:03

I'm OK.

0:29:030:29:05

Look at that!

0:29:050:29:07

Really here!

0:29:070:29:08

Have a seat. Have a seat.

0:29:080:29:12

Now, I think a lot of people would be surprised

0:29:140:29:18

to discover that you grew up in Stoke-on-Trent.

0:29:180:29:22

Yeah. I was born in Hampstead,

0:29:220:29:26

London, but lived in Stoke.

0:29:260:29:29

Stoke gets a bad rap, but it's a great place.

0:29:290:29:32

I went back there and played there,

0:29:320:29:34

did my first concert there, just last year.

0:29:340:29:36

-This is with the new solo stuff?

-Yeah, it was great. We had a blast.

0:29:360:29:39

So you were in Los Angeles by the age of...

0:29:390:29:42

-Six.

-Oh, so it was a very short time in Stoke?

0:29:420:29:45

-Yeah.

-I am fascinated by one thing. Your mum is an African-American.

0:29:450:29:50

-Uh-huh.

-She designs costumes for the likes of - or did design -

0:29:500:29:54

Joni Mitchell and David Bowie, yeah?

0:29:540:29:56

Your dad did album covers

0:29:560:29:59

-for Neil Young, among others.

-Uh-huh.

0:29:590:30:02

Paint a picture, with these parents like they were,

0:30:020:30:05

of what it was like growing up in Los Angeles?

0:30:050:30:07

Basically, both my parents were hippies, both involved in music.

0:30:070:30:12

Everybody was an artist.

0:30:120:30:13

It was just a very Bohemian, very artistic, creative environment.

0:30:130:30:18

In that neighbourhood, there was Frank Zappa, Jim Morrison

0:30:180:30:21

and the Eagles, before they formed with Glenn Frey.

0:30:210:30:25

We had to watch Top Of The Pops, and you had them around your breakfast table.

0:30:250:30:30

That's deeply irritating to me.

0:30:300:30:33

Can I just ask,

0:30:330:30:34

did your mother do your outfits, since she's a costume designer?

0:30:340:30:38

Well, she did actually make me one of the coolest pairs of leather pants I ever had.

0:30:380:30:42

Why do you always wear leather trousers?

0:30:420:30:44

I've always just thought that they were cool-looking and, you know,

0:30:440:30:48

you can get away with not washing them

0:30:480:30:50

for long periods of time!

0:30:500:30:51

And the hat? What gave you the idea to wear Brunel's hat?

0:30:530:30:57

The hat came from when I was in the early days of Guns N' Roses.

0:30:570:31:03

I was walking around Melrose Avenue

0:31:030:31:05

in Los Angeles, looking for some clothes

0:31:050:31:07

because we had a show that night. I don't have any money,

0:31:070:31:10

so I'm just wandering around looking in windows and stuff,

0:31:100:31:13

and for some reason, I saw this in the window.

0:31:130:31:16

So I went in there and looked at it and tried it on

0:31:160:31:18

and it felt really cool, so I walked out of the store with it.

0:31:180:31:22

I figured I'd just say I forgot to pay for it or something.

0:31:220:31:25

-You stole the hat?

-Yeah.

0:31:250:31:27

Then I went next door and stole a concho belt and cut it up and put it around the top.

0:31:270:31:31

-You do know this show is shown in America?

-It's OK.

0:31:310:31:35

It was long enough ago that the statute's up by now.

0:31:350:31:37

So you're going to get away with the stolen hat.

0:31:370:31:40

There's some gossip we didn't know.

0:31:400:31:42

-Slash wears stolen clothing. And you've got a new solo album out?

-Yeah.

0:31:420:31:46

-Is that it?

-Yeah, this is the classic rock version of it.

0:31:460:31:50

It comes with this thing which is a fan pack

0:31:500:31:52

and it's a magazine filled with all kinds of stuff about myself and the band.

0:31:520:31:57

-And that's the actual CD.

-And that's called Apocalyptic Love?

-Right.

0:31:570:32:02

It's a title of one of the songs, and it's basically a tongue-in-cheek thing

0:32:020:32:07

about sexual relations on the eve of the Apocalypse.

0:32:070:32:11

LAUGHTER

0:32:110:32:13

Well, you'd like to get one in before you...

0:32:130:32:17

LAUGHTER

0:32:170:32:19

Er, now, obviously you had a hard life

0:32:210:32:23

-in Guns N' Roses, I would imagine.

-It was pretty edgy, yeah.

0:32:230:32:27

But these days,

0:32:270:32:28

-am I right in thinking you're completely clean and completely off everything?

-For today, yeah.

0:32:280:32:34

Have you still got the snake collection?

0:32:360:32:38

I have one snake now. I used to have a vast collection,

0:32:380:32:41

upwards of 90 snakes

0:32:410:32:43

at any given time for a long while there.

0:32:430:32:46

And then just before London,

0:32:460:32:47

my oldest son was born, because they were all big constrictors

0:32:470:32:52

upwards of ten foot, I just had really cold feet

0:32:520:32:56

that we should probably get rid of all these snakes. We're having a boy...

0:32:560:33:00

-Where's the baby?

-Yeah.

-Which one of you...?

0:33:000:33:03

That can happen.

0:33:030:33:05

Now, I'm sorry for taking up so much time talking about your rock 'n' roll lifestyle,

0:33:050:33:09

because I like that. But I know you're here to talk about cars

0:33:090:33:13

because you like them, you'll all be relieved to hear.

0:33:130:33:15

So what was your first car?

0:33:150:33:20

-My first car that I paid for with my own money was a Honda CRX.

-No way!

0:33:200:33:25

-I had a Honda CRX.

-Yeah.

0:33:250:33:27

-It was fantastic.

-It was a cool-looking little car,

0:33:270:33:30

but eventually I gave it to my brother,

0:33:300:33:34

and then I got a 1966 427 Corvette coupe.

0:33:340:33:38

-The classic Corvette?

-Yeah, yeah.

0:33:380:33:40

That's a bit of a leap from a Honda CRX to a Corvette.

0:33:400:33:43

It's a great car. I did a couple of 360s on Sunset with that car

0:33:430:33:46

because it was so powerful.

0:33:460:33:48

I didn't know what I was doing when I first bought it.

0:33:480:33:50

What have you got now?

0:33:500:33:52

I have an Aston Martin. That's my favourite car.

0:33:520:33:55

-Really?

-Ever since I was a little kid, James Bond...

0:33:550:33:59

-But I could never afford one.

-You look so similar!

-Right.

0:33:590:34:02

When I got sober, my reward to myself was to buy an Aston Martin.

0:34:020:34:07

-Which one did you get?

-I got a Vanquish last year that they had.

-Rotten gearbox, though.

-Yeah,

0:34:070:34:13

but it was a cool car for a while. I got a lot of tickets in that car.

0:34:130:34:17

Then I traded that for the DBS, which I had for a while. But then I saw

0:34:170:34:22

the V12 Vantage and thought, "I got to have one of those",

0:34:220:34:25

-so I traded the DBS.

-So you traded a DBS

0:34:250:34:27

for a V12, and which do you think is better?

0:34:270:34:30

I have more fun in the V12 Vantage.

0:34:300:34:32

-Really?

-The Vantage is just a little bit smaller and because that engine's so big,

0:34:320:34:38

it just makes it that much scarier a car.

0:34:380:34:42

So, your lap - how was it out there?

0:34:420:34:44

It was actually pretty tricky when I first got out.

0:34:440:34:47

I mean, the way your track's laid out, it's like it's not really there.

0:34:470:34:51

It's sort of made up.

0:34:510:34:52

-Are you sure you're sober?

-No, I mean it's...

-It's the grey bit.

0:34:550:34:59

-Green, grey.

-I know, but it's got all kinds of turns and stuff

0:34:590:35:02

that are sort of pencilled in.

0:35:020:35:05

Who would like to see Slash's lap?

0:35:050:35:08

-I would.

-AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-Here it is.

0:35:080:35:10

-I was petrified.

-Let's have a look.

0:35:100:35:13

Look at that Kia go!

0:35:150:35:18

-GEAR CLUNKS

-Goddammit!

-BLEEP.

0:35:180:35:20

You could just say "oops".

0:35:200:35:22

We know that from Kimi. Ooh, I say!

0:35:220:35:26

Now, that's stately. Silent.

0:35:260:35:29

The wild man of rock.

0:35:290:35:32

All right, brake on this one.

0:35:320:35:35

Braking for Chicago and driving round the corner in a brown car.

0:35:350:35:40

-Right, let's not

-BLEEP

-this up.

0:35:420:35:44

Now, sometimes when a car looks slow, it can be fast,

0:35:440:35:48

but I've got a sneaking suspicion

0:35:480:35:51

that this looks slow because it sort of is.

0:35:510:35:55

Pretty slow.

0:35:550:35:57

This guy's got a lot of balls.

0:35:590:36:01

I think you're referring to our cameraman who just stands there.

0:36:010:36:05

-He does, yeah.

-I know, he does it everywhere.

0:36:050:36:08

Somebody'll get him one day.

0:36:080:36:10

Right, how are we doing there?

0:36:100:36:13

BRAKES SCREECH

0:36:130:36:14

-Oop! Yeah, braking.

-This is the hardest part of the track.

0:36:140:36:17

Very hard, but at that speed, it's not as hard as you might think.

0:36:170:36:20

When I did it faster,

0:36:200:36:21

I ended up all the way on the grass.

0:36:210:36:25

This is the board. Bearing in mind it's raining out, so it's wet, mostly the wets are down here.

0:36:340:36:40

-Where do you think?

-I don't know.

0:36:400:36:42

-You tell me.

-Oh, I'm going to.

0:36:420:36:43

-I'm not guessing.

-You're leaning forward.

0:36:430:36:46

-It's always a sign.

-It's been an interesting day.

0:36:460:36:49

I'm dying to see what the result of all that was.

0:36:490:36:52

Mr Slash,

0:36:520:36:53

you did it

0:36:530:36:55

in...one...

0:36:550:36:59

..49.8.

0:37:020:37:06

CHEERING

0:37:060:37:09

It's along with will.i.am and Peta 23 from Essex, who you probably don't know.

0:37:150:37:21

But I was faster than Angelina Jolie, so that's good.

0:37:210:37:24

That's not actually Angelina Jolie.

0:37:240:37:26

Is that Alice Cooper down there?

0:37:280:37:30

Yeah, you're faster than Alice Cooper.

0:37:300:37:32

He is the only real rock guy on there.

0:37:320:37:35

It's that rock 'n' roll thing. Perhaps it's all blurry.

0:37:350:37:37

Who knows? Anyway,

0:37:370:37:39

ladies and gentlemen, it has been an enormous pleasure to have you here. Thank you so much for coming. Slash!

0:37:390:37:44

Thank you very much.

0:37:440:37:48

-Was that you driving that car?

-Might have been.

-Oh, come on.

0:37:540:37:58

It looked like it. Now, moving on,

0:37:580:38:01

and we move on, surprisingly, to golf.

0:38:010:38:04

It is very popular. There are 4 million golfers in the UK alone.

0:38:040:38:09

Yeah, that is almost 8% of the adult population

0:38:090:38:11

and we can't really understand this because, as far as we can make out,

0:38:110:38:15

golf is extremely boring.

0:38:150:38:17

It is also ruinously expensive. A decent set of bats

0:38:170:38:20

is going to set you back £1,000. We rang a golf club

0:38:200:38:24

in High Wycombe the other day,

0:38:240:38:26

not Wentworth, and annual membership there is £1,000.

0:38:260:38:30

-It's two grand before you even start.

-Then you have

0:38:300:38:33

the stupid jumpers and shoes, and the Rupert the Bear trousers. It adds up.

0:38:330:38:37

Then there's the cost of joining the Freemasons.

0:38:370:38:40

Exactly. So we were wondering, could you do motor racing for less?

0:38:400:38:46

We tend to think of motor racing as catastrophically expensive, but is that necessarily the case?

0:38:460:38:52

We decided to find out. We each bought a set of wheels,

0:38:520:38:55

converted them into racers as cheaply as possible

0:38:550:38:58

and met up at the Lydden Hill race track in Kent.

0:38:580:39:00

Race day dawned, and Richard and I were there

0:39:020:39:05

good and early with the cars we bought.

0:39:050:39:08

This is a 150mph BMW 328I,

0:39:080:39:14

-for which I paid £795.

-Nice.

0:39:140:39:19

-It looks good.

-And you paid what for this?

-This is a Citroen Saxo VTS 1.6, for which I paid

0:39:190:39:25

-£550, and it's a nice one.

-It is a nice one.

0:39:250:39:29

-That is in really good nick.

-It's a hot little car.

0:39:290:39:32

'Then James arrived in a Toyota MR2.'

0:39:320:39:36

That is a surprise.

0:39:360:39:38

-That is an unexpected car.

-I thought he'd been lost on the A35.

0:39:380:39:42

-Morning.

-May! How much was that?

0:39:420:39:47

£450.

0:39:470:39:48

-Seriously? 450 quid?

-Yep.

0:39:480:39:50

So we've got mid-engined, rear drive,

0:39:500:39:52

front-engined, front drive, rear drive, front engine.

0:39:520:39:57

-That's a 328.

-I know. But have you seen this?

0:39:570:40:00

-It's brilliant, this.

-I have to say it, and I wouldn't normally say it, obviously,

0:40:000:40:04

-but your cars look terrific.

-Hammond?

0:40:040:40:06

-Yes.

-Blood type?

-Yes.

-"Red".

0:40:060:40:09

Well, it is. It's red. I've checked.

0:40:090:40:11

Stuck a pin in it. B?

0:40:110:40:13

B-. I don't know what I am.

0:40:130:40:16

-That's an exam result!

-I just made it up.

0:40:160:40:18

-It's what I'm used to seeing on forms.

-I wasn't sure,

0:40:180:40:21

so I put AB+. That way I'll get the lot, so one of them will be right.

0:40:210:40:25

As you can see, obviously, I've put stickers on mine.

0:40:250:40:29

-Yeah, where did...

-Well, it's the BBC and you have to have stickers

0:40:290:40:32

-on a racing car.

-"Fragile roof"?

-I know, but the BBC doesn't allow brand names,

0:40:320:40:37

so I put health and safety notices on it, as that's what the BBC likes.

0:40:370:40:41

We should explain at this point that there are certain safety requirements you have to fulfil

0:40:410:40:46

before you go motor racing.

0:40:460:40:48

You have to put a roll cage,

0:40:480:40:49

proper seat, harness,

0:40:490:40:51

electrical cut-off fire extinguisher, and the total cost

0:40:510:40:55

of doing that on mine was around £1,000.

0:40:550:40:58

-Yours was a bit less.

-A bit less cos there's less roll cage in it so it brings it up to 1,400 quid

0:40:580:41:04

-for the lot.

-And yours is?

-1,430.

-So, 1,400,

0:41:040:41:06

1,400, 1,800 all in.

0:41:060:41:09

So, for the price of a bag full of golf bats,

0:41:090:41:12

we were ready to go motor racing,

0:41:120:41:15

and the motor racing we'd selected was rallycross.

0:41:150:41:17

The beauty of this is that half the track is tarmac

0:41:210:41:24

and half is gravel and mud.

0:41:240:41:26

COMMENTATOR: Oh, my good... Oh, gosh, I don't know what's happened!

0:41:260:41:30

So, you get to do high-speed circuit driving

0:41:300:41:33

and slidey rally stuff all in the same race.

0:41:330:41:38

Do you know, I used to love rallycross.

0:41:380:41:40

-Yeah.

-Grandstand, World Of Sport, you had Dickie Davies and he'd go,

0:41:400:41:44

"This afternoon, we've got fly-fishing, athletics and golf." You'd go, "Oh, no."

0:41:440:41:48

-Then, "And rallycross."

-Yeah.

-And you had those tiny televisions,

0:41:480:41:52

-the black-and-white screen you were watching on.

-You might have done in Birmingham.

0:41:520:41:56

-Look at that!

-I know.

-But then he's got some actual track to do it on.

0:41:560:42:00

Or he could be standing with a Pringle jumper on,

0:42:000:42:03

-going like this...

-Waiting for the man in front.

0:42:030:42:06

Yes. Do you know the best thing about this?

0:42:060:42:08

It's really simple.

0:42:080:42:11

When we got to the drivers' briefing, however,

0:42:110:42:14

-I realised I'd spoken too soon.

-OK, there's 18 of you,

0:42:140:42:18

so when you do your heats, if you finish first, you get one point. We've got three sets of races,

0:42:180:42:24

so there'll be three people with one point, three people with two points,

0:42:240:42:28

three people with three points. If you come seventh twice,

0:42:280:42:31

-that gets 14 but you only end up seventh. You get seven points.

-Why does it say 1 + 2 = 2?

0:42:310:42:36

Well, you only pick the best one.

0:42:360:42:39

If we were doing three,

0:42:390:42:40

-we'd pick the best two.

-Three what?

-Three of your points from the heats.

0:42:400:42:44

-Eh?

-Happily, Captain Maths was on hand to explain

0:42:440:42:48

that, in short, we'd all take part in two heats and at least one final.

0:42:480:42:53

And, with that sorted, we got to know the other drivers.

0:42:530:42:57

I notice from the entry sheet you're all called Gary.

0:42:570:43:00

THEY LAUGH

0:43:000:43:02

-WOMAN:

-I'm not! >

0:43:020:43:03

-Do you mind if I call you Gary, just to keep everything clear?

-No, that's fine. Just keep it simple.

0:43:050:43:11

OK, but who is called Gary? You're Gary, you're Gary and you're both in my class?

0:43:110:43:15

You are racing in Gary class... so you are Gary Clarkson.

0:43:150:43:20

I, meanwhile, was in the modified two-litre class

0:43:230:43:26

and our heat was first.

0:43:260:43:27

I've got to do three laps. That's all. Three laps and try not to mess it up.

0:43:290:43:34

Oh, look, we're getting lined up. This is the grid. This is it!

0:43:340:43:37

Go!

0:43:370:43:38

Oh, we're off.

0:43:390:43:42

-He is overtaking!

-Oh, my God, he's about second!

0:43:430:43:46

CRUNCH!

0:43:480:43:49

BEEP!

0:43:490:43:51

-He's not... He's third.

-Third!

0:43:510:43:53

This is good. This is good.

0:43:530:43:55

Now I'll have him!

0:43:570:43:59

-Come on, come on!

-Ohh, this is exciting!

0:44:010:44:04

-Oh, he's gone to second!

-He's overtaken... No, he hasn't.

0:44:040:44:06

But this is genuinely exciting racing with James May in it!

0:44:060:44:10

And remember, this costs less than golf.

0:44:100:44:14

This bloke's all over my chuff!

0:44:140:44:17

Right, watch this!

0:44:170:44:18

Oh, no! No, I've got it back.

0:44:200:44:23

No... Oh, he's lost it.

0:44:250:44:27

I've broken something. Sod it!

0:44:280:44:31

-We...must...not...laugh...

-No.

0:44:310:44:35

..when he gets back.

0:44:350:44:37

UPROARIOUS LAUGHTER

0:44:370:44:39

-How bad is it?

-I suppose it's just at the wings on the wheel.

-Has the suspension collapsed?

0:44:390:44:46

-Every time I braked, it veered off.

-Do you know that, momentarily, you were in second place?

-I know.

0:44:460:44:52

It was extremely exciting.

0:44:520:44:53

Next up in the stock hatch class was Professor Richard Hammond,

0:44:550:44:59

who was still trying to get to grips with the scoring system.

0:44:590:45:02

Six plus one equals one, because that's the result they carry forwards...

0:45:020:45:08

which means I could end up in final C, which...C comes before A.

0:45:080:45:13

I'm just going to drive around as fast as I can.

0:45:130:45:17

-Oh, he's going to...

-Not bad, not bad!

0:45:230:45:25

It's a blinding start from Hammond!

0:45:250:45:27

I love the rough stuff!

0:45:300:45:32

The agile front-drive Citroen was brilliant in the mud.

0:45:320:45:36

Yeah, ha-ha!

0:45:360:45:38

But I could have done with a bit more power on the tarmac.

0:45:380:45:41

I haven't quite got the legs on this one up to the top. Might have...

0:45:430:45:47

I braked myself into that quite hard.

0:45:470:45:49

He might have done it... No, he won't do it, unless he can get a lot of speed down the hill.

0:45:490:45:55

Oh, this is an epic battle for third place.

0:45:550:45:58

Oh-ho!

0:45:580:46:01

-Oh, wait, he's through.

-He's done a move.

-He's overtaken somebody!

0:46:010:46:05

Oh, this is exciting. It's too exciting even to speak!

0:46:050:46:09

Oh-oh, that was a punt!

0:46:150:46:17

Could be playing golf, remember. Could be playing golf.

0:46:180:46:22

He's not going to come third. That would be impossible.

0:46:220:46:25

Come on. Come on!

0:46:250:46:28

Yeah, ha! Third place, that'll do me. Come on!

0:46:310:46:35

Has anybody ever left a golf course feeling this high?

0:46:350:46:38

Woo-hoo!

0:46:380:46:40

-High-five!

-Hammond, that was absolutely rostrum or hospital. I loved it.

0:46:400:46:45

-So, third?

-That's exciting, yeah. It's great!

0:46:450:46:49

It was now my turn and I was a bit nervous

0:46:490:46:51

because the big engine in my BM

0:46:510:46:54

meant I was in the top super-modified class,

0:46:540:46:57

where three of the Garys were former champions.

0:46:570:47:00

Ha-ha! Loneliest man in the world! Get in there and be alone.

0:47:000:47:06

-Maybe I should go and play golf.

-No.

-No, because we need to see what golf is like in comparison.

0:47:060:47:10

No, we need to prove our point, which means you have to drive that against these people.

0:47:100:47:16

-Crack on, Clarkson. Go on.

-Kindly, James spent a few moments asking the other drivers to be nice to me.

0:47:160:47:23

-Don't be nice to him, OK.

-I'm not going to be.

-Just muller him.

0:47:230:47:27

Top man.

0:47:270:47:29

And then it was time for action.

0:47:300:47:33

Five seconds...

0:47:350:47:37

Oh, they're good.

0:47:440:47:45

Unbelievably, though, I started to make up places.

0:47:470:47:50

Ooh, he's third, he's third!

0:47:500:47:52

He's going to be third if he can out-drag that one, and he is!

0:47:520:47:56

Come on, Gary!

0:47:560:47:58

Gary, I'm going to get you!

0:47:590:48:02

I've got Gary up my chuff here and I'm trying to take Gary on the inside.

0:48:040:48:08

Then the super-modified Garys put me in my place.

0:48:110:48:13

CRUNCH!

0:48:130:48:15

Ohh! Heavens, that was a big shunt.

0:48:150:48:17

I may be off the track slightly here.

0:48:200:48:22

THEY GUFFAW

0:48:240:48:28

Spurred on by the support of my colleagues, I chased after the pack.

0:48:290:48:34

Right, come on, Jeremy, concentrate. Let's go get 'em!

0:48:360:48:40

But before I could catch up, the race was over.

0:48:400:48:43

That was brilliant, and I was last!

0:48:450:48:48

Some of you will probably be thinking, "I'd like to do that, but what about safety?"

0:48:490:48:54

Well, the number of people killed last year in rallycross was nought.

0:48:540:48:59

The number of people killed on the golf course was...

0:48:590:49:03

Well, nobody knows, but it's many, many people.

0:49:030:49:06

God, that was good fun!

0:49:080:49:09

And the fun continued for the rest of the afternoon.

0:49:120:49:15

Loads of short, hard, fast action.

0:49:150:49:18

And the racing was epic!

0:49:180:49:21

-Oh, look at that manoeuvre by the Mini!

-That's Gary the girl.

0:49:210:49:24

Gary the girl going round the outside.

0:49:240:49:28

-Ooh, Gary's off the track.

-Come on, this is good.

0:49:290:49:32

-Oh, it's absolutely wheel-to-wheel stuff.

-Spectacular racing.

0:49:320:49:36

-Gary the girl!

-I've never seen a race where two people are side by side all the time.

0:49:360:49:42

Yeah!

0:49:420:49:44

In his second race, Richard got another third,

0:49:440:49:47

despite a bit of a moment...

0:49:470:49:49

CRUNCH!

0:49:490:49:52

..whereas, in HIS next heat, Jeremy improved massively.

0:49:520:49:56

I'm not last! I'm not last!

0:49:570:50:01

I'm second to last.

0:50:010:50:04

Then it was my turn, and they put my hastily repaired car on pole.

0:50:040:50:08

I'm ready.

0:50:100:50:12

-What a start.

-He's into the lead!

0:50:140:50:17

James May is - there's no other word for it - winning!

0:50:170:50:21

Oh, he's gone off, look.

0:50:240:50:26

RICHARD GUFFAWS

0:50:260:50:29

Right, now I've got some racing to do.

0:50:290:50:33

Cock!

0:50:350:50:36

Three completely blind laps later, I finished last, again,

0:50:370:50:42

with yet another wound on my MR2.

0:50:420:50:45

-Oh, yeah!

-Oh, mate!

0:50:450:50:49

With the points from the heats all added up, we learned that Richard,

0:50:510:50:54

with his two third places, had qualified for the B-class final,

0:50:540:50:58

whereas James and I were in the final for losers.

0:50:580:51:01

-That means you and I get to race each other, then.

-Yeah, I know.

-Yeah, but it's...

0:51:020:51:07

If you stop and think about the scoring system here,

0:51:070:51:10

it's clever because it means you will always end up in a final,

0:51:100:51:14

irrespective of how rubbish you are.

0:51:140:51:16

The final for losers went well.

0:51:190:51:22

James got up to third and stayed there.

0:51:220:51:24

That was terrific! Did you see that? Did you see me all over him?

0:51:260:51:29

And as for the orang-utan...

0:51:310:51:33

Jeremy, you're winning! You're actually winning something!

0:51:330:51:37

Miracles have happened here, ladies and gentlemen, today. I have actually won a thing!

0:51:380:51:44

The victory gave me a chance to wear my winning face.

0:51:440:51:48

And there was another bonus as well.

0:51:500:51:53

-What are you doing here?

-Because I won the spanner final, I'm allowed to go into this final.

0:51:530:51:59

This is my final. I don't understand.

0:51:590:52:01

We established in practice you're fast around here because you're used to driving on wet leaves and mud.

0:52:010:52:07

-Because I live in Wales.

-Exactly.

0:52:070:52:09

Right now I could be, I don't know, chatting to my caddy,

0:52:130:52:17

adjusting the tassels on my loafers,

0:52:170:52:19

instead of which, I'm sitting here at the wheel of my race car, waiting to start.

0:52:190:52:25

This is just so much better.

0:52:250:52:28

What if I spoil Hammond's race in some way? I mean, I mustn't and I won't.

0:52:280:52:32

I'm going to stay at the back, not get in anyone's way.

0:52:320:52:35

I shouldn't be here.

0:52:350:52:36

Right, five seconds...

0:52:360:52:39

That was a good start for me. That puts me right amongst the big boys.

0:52:450:52:49

Bad start. Really bad start.

0:52:510:52:53

CRUNCH!

0:52:550:52:57

Come on, Gary, out the way.

0:53:020:53:05

Whoa, he's got me on the grass!

0:53:050:53:08

God, this Fiesta is really aggressive.

0:53:080:53:11

Oh, no, look who's there. It's Richard Hammond, is what it is.

0:53:160:53:20

How did Jeremy make up that many places in MY final?

0:53:200:53:25

I decided not to spoil his big race...

0:53:250:53:28

..then I decided I would.

0:53:290:53:31

-Yeah, come on!

-Oh, yes!

0:53:320:53:35

Come on, Beemer! Come on now!

0:53:400:53:43

Oh, he's left me a gap.

0:53:440:53:46

No, I've gone wide!

0:53:490:53:52

-CRUNCH!

-Ooh, that was a biggie!

0:53:520:53:54

There was now just one lap left to take Hammond.

0:53:560:53:59

Lot more traction here, sunshine.

0:54:060:54:08

Coming up the inside of you.

0:54:100:54:13

There you go.

0:54:130:54:15

Come on! Clarkson's right behind me.

0:54:200:54:23

Come on now!

0:54:250:54:28

BMW on my inside. This is where he's got the power.

0:54:310:54:36

I'll get him on the outside.

0:54:360:54:38

Leave him all the room in the world.

0:54:400:54:42

-CRUNCH!

-I've been hit!

0:54:430:54:46

He actually turned his wheel there. The camera will reveal that.

0:54:460:54:51

Come on, little Citroen. Everything you have.

0:54:510:54:53

There's the chequered flag.

0:54:590:55:02

Second place.

0:55:040:55:05

And, amazingly, third place for Jezza.

0:55:050:55:09

Woo-hoo, hoo-hoo!

0:55:090:55:11

How good was that?!

0:55:130:55:15

That was absolutely brilliant fun.

0:55:150:55:19

Two more different cars you can't imagine pitting against one another having a great race!

0:55:190:55:25

That was tremendous.

0:55:250:55:28

-That was brilliant!

-Really.

-I know. It was.

0:55:330:55:36

One of the best days of my life. Really and truly, one of the best days of my life.

0:55:360:55:40

-We went to prove a point and we did.

-My hair feels like it's standing on end.

0:55:400:55:44

And you've got to ask the question, "Why would you play golf when you can do that?"

0:55:440:55:49

I'm not given to this sort of thing, as you know, but it was brilliant,

0:55:490:55:53

and I even enjoyed watching that last race with you two.

0:55:530:55:56

I'm sorry to keep banging on about it,

0:55:560:55:59

but this whole racing car costs less than this plastic bag full of sticks.

0:55:590:56:05

But, on the money front, can I inject a note of caution? If I were to be racing my Saxo next weekend,

0:56:050:56:11

I would want to spend 100 quid on some stiffer suspension.

0:56:110:56:14

-It was quite bouncy.

-Very bouncy.

0:56:140:56:16

I'd want to do something about my rear end, because it was tail-happy.

0:56:160:56:20

-Yeah.

-And there will come a time when the children say, "Mummy, why aren't we having a holiday?"

0:56:200:56:25

"Well, Daddy spent all our money on shock absorbers."

0:56:250:56:28

Yeah, it is going to add up, but it doesn't matter because, as we've just proved,

0:56:280:56:33

rallycross is brilliant. I urge you, get a racing licence, get some cheap wheels,

0:56:330:56:38

find the nearest place where you can do it, get out there and do it.

0:56:380:56:43

And all the Garys are really friendly.

0:56:430:56:45

Yes, they are, but the thing is, the Garys are friendly, but the Richards, they're not.

0:56:450:56:50

-I'm sorry to bring this up.

-Eh?

-No, on the last lap,

0:56:500:56:54

-you tried to ram me off the track.

-I did not!

0:56:540:56:57

Well, you did. It was attempted murder.

0:56:570:57:01

It wasn't!

0:57:010:57:02

All right, look. As we promised last week,

0:57:020:57:04

we'll have a steward's enquiry about this.

0:57:040:57:07

-We have on-board cameras. Let's have a look.

-Fine.

-OK.

0:57:070:57:10

Coming up to where the incident happened. Let's listen to what he says.

0:57:100:57:14

Got to shut the door on him here. I'm sorry. Argh!

0:57:140:57:18

EVIL LAUGHTER

0:57:180:57:19

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

0:57:190:57:21

-You said, "Got to shut the door on him. Ha-ha-ha-ha!"

-Yeah.

0:57:210:57:27

-Well, I did say that. I did.

-And you were wrenching the wheel left.

-I did not do that!

0:57:270:57:31

Look at the steering wheel here. Look, he's going round a right-handed corner. Left!

0:57:310:57:36

Left again! Left again!

0:57:360:57:38

-You did!

-Yeah, I did do that. Yeah, I did.

0:57:380:57:41

So, who here thinks that Richard Hammond is guilty?

0:57:410:57:46

-AUDIENCE: Yes!

-Well...

0:57:460:57:49

Now, if this was Formula 1, Hammond would be forced to take a drive-through penalty

0:57:490:57:54

-and that would spoil the race for the spectators.

-Exactly.

0:57:540:57:58

-So I think we can do it better.

-Yeah. Sorry, mate.

0:57:580:58:00

Listen, it was racing. Honestly. You little scallywag! I'll get you next time.

0:58:000:58:06

And that, Mr Ecclestone, is how you deal with disputes.

0:58:060:58:10

-Done.

-Absolutely.

0:58:100:58:12

-It was ruined, though.

-I don't care. I could've come last.

0:58:120:58:14

APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH

0:58:140:58:16

And normally, of course, that would be that,

0:58:160:58:20

-but because it's the end of the series, we've got a treat for you.

-Oh, have we ever!

0:58:200:58:24

Because, to play us out, with his version of Jessica, Slash is back!

0:58:240:58:29

HE PLAYS: "Jessica" (Top Gear theme tune)

0:58:320:58:34

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

0:59:000:59:04

I'll tell you what.

0:59:130:59:16

-He's a lot better at that than he is at driving.

-And he's quicker!

0:59:160:59:20

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