Episode 4 Top Gear

Tonight, James draws on a board,

Richard waves at a man

and I run away from a table!

Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.

Thank you so much. Thank you.

I am often asked, well, I am sometimes asked,

well, actually, I was once asked by one person,

why we review fast Vauxhalls so rarely on Top Gear.

The simple answer - they're terrible rubbish.

Vauxhall, however, has just introduced a new fast Astra

and says it isn't terrible rubbish.

Hmm.

It's called the VXR and on paper,

it certainly appears to be terrible rubbish.

Because what they've done, bless them, is fit under the bonnet

of a front-wheel drive Vauxhall Astra,

a 276 horsepower engine.

That's as daft as fitting the heart of an elephant in a mouse.

The thing is, the front wheels have to do the steering

and that's a big, important job.

And asking them to handle 276 horsepower as well,

means you've to do some very, very clever engineering.

Not that long ago,

Vauxhall was making the not-at-all cleverly engineered Vectra.

The most dreary, uninspiring car in all of human history.

Oh!

It really was a cure for ADD.

If you put a hyperactive child in there, he'd be asleep

in three minutes flat. I mean, look at it!

It's as gripping as a Victorian novel,

as stylish as a taxman's trousers.

You almost got the impression they designed it in a coffee break.

"Oh, quick, the boss wants a new car." "There's one.

"Give it some fancy door mirrors.

"It'll look like we made an effort." But they hadn't!

So the idea that a company which did this,

now thinks it has the technical ability to put 276 horsepowers

through the front wheels of a hatchback is laughable.

The thing is, though, amazingly,

they've pulled it off!

It has a clever front diff and unlike a normal Astra,

it has hydraulic power steering.

It also has the same sort of dampers that Ferrari use

and James tells me it has separate hub carriers.

Which is interesting(!)

Plainly then, they've spent more time and effort on the front end

of this car, than they did on the whole of the Vectra.

And the rewards are huge.

There's no torque steer, there is no fuss, there is no drama,

the power is just there when you want it.

It might not be the most fun car in the world,

it actually feels quite heavy,

but, my God, it is quick!

And best of all, despite extremely wide low-profile tyres,

it has a comfortable ride as well.

If you like being uncomfortable,

you can push this sport button here which firms everything up

and if you want to feel like you're falling down a rocky escarpment,

you can push this one.

If you do that, watch, ready...

look, all the dials glow red

to warn you that your neck is about to snap.

Probably better to leave those buttons alone, clearly.

This is a damn good car. It's solid, good-looking and very, very fast.

Plus, because it's a hatchback, it's practical as well.

There are, as I see it, only two problems.

One - at just shy of £27,000, it is quite expensive.

And two - when you are asked at parties what you're driving

these days, you're going to have to start by saying...erm...

Perhaps then, we should look

at the Astra's chief rival - the Ford Focus ST.

This has five doors, so it is more practical than the Vauxhall.

It's £5,000 cheaper and at parties,

you can say you own a Ford without blushing.

But it simply isn't as nice to drive.

Instead of taming the front end with proper mechanical

engineering like Vauxhall did, Ford has used electronic systems

and the truth is, they're not as good.

You can sense the electrons doing their absolute best to

keep things neat and tidy, but you can also sense them, erm...

..failing!

TYRES SCREECH

There's torque steer, there's understeer,

and then there's lift off oversteer.

There. It is a smorgasbord of waywardness.

I also have to say the Ford has a particularly unpleasant interior.

And it does not look very good from the outside either.

Nowhere near as good as the Astra, that's for sure.

So, as an enthusiast's car, I have to say the Vauxhall is better.

But this is Top Gear and I can't very well sit here

and say, "Hey, petrolheads,

"the best hot hatchback is a Vauxhall Astra."

That would be like a travel person saying, "Hey, holidaymakers,

"the best place for your summer vacation is Belgium!"

So, let's keep going and look at another option.

The Renault Megane 265.

This is the darling of all the car magazines.

They love it and it's easy to see why.

TYRES SCREECH

TYRES SCREECH

You can just tell this car was designed by a team of people

who really know what enthusiasts want when they're on the track.

It's sublime.

They've even fitted it with a special readout that shows how fast

you went from 0 to 60,

how fast you did the standing quarter, your lap times,

how much power you're using, how much brake you're using,

your throttle position, a graph, an extreme graph,

your G metre.

The Stig just loves this.

He's been running around all morning squawking

and clutching at his tinkle!

And I have too, if I'm honest!

It's just an amazing combination of nimbleness and brute force.

There's no doubt that it's more exciting than the Vauxhall

and less wayward than the Ford and faster than both of them.

To show you how much faster, I engaged sport mode

and pulled up for a drag race.

Watch and learn, Vauxhall!

What?

Come on!

Come on! Faster!

Come on-n-n-n!

That was not supposed to happen.

Much to my surprise, then, the Renault was the slowest.

And when you bear equipment levels in mind,

it is the most expensive, too.

And it's also the least nice.

Sitting in here is a bit like sitting in Eeyore's Gloomy Place,

it is all very dark and everything you touch and everything you use

feels flimsy, like it will come off or break at any moment.

And the back's very cramped and the ride's very hard,

this seat is very low down and very snug

and gives you an idea of what it would be like to be buried alive.

And look at this. You can't wear a pink shirt or it'll clash.

So, while this may be the nicest car to drive on a track or

a deserted moorland road,

it would not be the nicest to live with on a day-to-day basis.

That means we arrive at a rather worrying conclusion because,

if I were to choose one of these three cars to drive home in tonight,

it would be...

the...

CONTINUOUS BEEP

-What happened there?

-The camera broke.

-Did it?

-Yeah, no, it literally just broke there.

-Did it?

-And what were you about to say?

-Erm, I can't remember.

-You were about to say the Vauxhall.

-A bit.

It's a surprisingly likeable car. It just is.

Isn't that a bit like saying Piers Morgan is a surprisingly

likeable man, but in the end, he is still fundamentally

-Piers Morgan, isn't he?

-Awful man. Yes, I know what you mean.

Look, hold on a minute.

The Ford is £5,000 cheaper, it is the most practical, with

the most doors and we've just seen it is the fastest. I'd have that.

-There's a lot to commend the Ford. You're right.

-I like the Renault.

-Oh, God!

-This is brilliant buyers' advice, isn't it?

I'd have the Ford, you'd have the Renault,

-and he'd have the Piers Morgan.

-Yeah, I know how we can sort this out.

The tame racing driver.

Some say he contains 47% horse.

LAUGHTER

And that to concentrate more on his work here,

he's resigned, this week, from his other job in Rome.

LAUGHTER

All we know is, he's called The Stig!

'And they're off. Sluggish start from the Ford.

'But it soon bites

'and finds its stride on the way to the first corner.

'And it's the Renault looking twitchy into there,

'the other two nicely controlled and gripping hard.'

SERIOUS MUSIC PLAYS

'The Stig still listening to national anthems

'and a cacophony of patriotic noise.

'All tracking cleanly around Chicago

'now spooling up the turbos for the run to Hammerhead,

'hard on the brakes, might see something mealier from the Focus.

'But no. Almost threatening to cock a back wheel.

'And the Renault just scampers away like a cheese-crazed sport monkey.'

MUSIC CONTINUES

'Wow! A stack of Stigs there. Follow-through.

'The Focus is getting out of shape,

'quickly pulls it back together again.

'Two corners left, the Vauxhall appears

'to be composed, the Renault looking bumpy on the way in.

'It's the most track-ready car here. Here they come, up to Gambon.

'No dramas at all and across the line.'

APPLAUSE

I have the times here and they are not that fast.

The Ford Focus did it in 1.29.6.

The Vauxhall Astra did a 1.28.3

and the Renault Megane,

the most track-focused of them all, did a 1.27.7.

So therefore, the conclusion is,

if you want a relatively inexpensive, fun car,

buy the Toyota GT 86!

LAUGHTER

We're really not much good at that consumer advice thing, are we?

-Anyway, we must now do the news.

-Yes, and it's bad news!

Dacia have got their name wrong.

Have you seen the car ads they've been doing?

They keep referring to themselves as "Datcha".

I think that's because

that's how you say it in Romania, where it's built.

There's another labelling problem they've got,

because I was reading up on the new Sandero.

It says it's got 90 horsepower. With everything that's been going on,

how do we know that isn't cow power?

-Yeah.

-Good point.

Because those abattoirs are in Romania,

-allegedly.

-Apparently.

We went to Romania once and we did see a lot of people

riding around on cows, rounding up horses.

And all their farmers complaining about getting up early

-to milk the horses!

-Exactly.

So, it is a 90 cow power car, we've established now. Good.

On the show, we've always said you can't be a proper petrolhead

until you've owned an Alfa, which has always been

an embarrassing problem for me, because I haven't.

But that might be about to change with this, the Alfa Romeo 4C.

A little two-seater, 1.8 litre turbocharged engine

mounted in the middle, chassis made of carbon fibre.

-At least it won't rust.

-They'll find a way.

They'll have bought cheap Russian carbon fibre that somehow oxidises.

You know what Alfa's like! How much is it?

It's going to cost between 40 and 50,000.

I have a bit of a problem with that.

-I don't think the looks are quite right.

-Eh? It's gorgeous.

-I think it's a bit too tall.

-Exactly. It is.

I'll tell you how it does look good though, is if you see the plan view.

We've got one of those. Now that, I think, is good.

-That's a view Hammond will never have!

-Oh, come on. Please!

-Ha-ha!

-Open goal!

Now, the most important news of the week.

As you may have noticed, modern cars now have been given

electronic handbrakes, rather than a lever. This is a problem,

because you can't do a handbrake turn with an electronic button.

And this is bad news,

because handbrake turns are an essential part of male development,

because as we all know,

the handbrake lever is connected directly to a girl's sexual appetite!

-It is.

-It is. When you're 17, it is.

-You're smiling and you know it is.

You see it in the animal kingdom. A peacock has his feathers.

-The young man has his handbrake.

-Exactly.

-They do the same job.

-And if you have a button, it doesn't work.

-No.

I can remember my first attempt at seduction with the handbrake

when I was 17 years old.

I was going to pick up this girl called Liz from outside a pub

and I had it all planned.

I'd go in and I'd get on the handbrake and slew it round

like The Italian Job and the rest was a formality, obviously.

I went through the gate, quite hot, pulled on the lever and that was

when the cable snapped.

LAUGHTER

I think it was because I had spent the previous day practising,

-you see...

-Only you would practise a handbrake turn!

-You have to.

-Wish I had.

-What?

-I remember taking a girl called Cathy home one night.

I was 17, in my mum's Audi.

And she lived in the middle of a field and I do mean

in the middle of a field, no tracks, anything.

Was she called Ermintrude?

LAUGHTER

-Did she wear a nice big bell?

-No, she wasn't a cow!

-Moo.

-Or a horse.

No, no.

Anyway, I am going down the grassy hill, to the house and thought,

"I know what will tip her over the edge." Brrt!

-Pirouetted straight through her dad's hedge.

-Was she impressed?

I know she was, because she pulled a face that was exactly like this.

That's the face, that's the face they pull

in that part of the mating ritual.

I know, because I have seen that face.

When I was a young man, 17, borrowing my dad's car,

diesel Astra estate,

and I was giving Katie from college a lift home, she lived on a farm,

down farm tracks and I had already warmed her up

with a bit of rally driving!

There was already a sexual tension in the car.

And I thought, "I'll seal the deal with the handbrake lever,"

yanked it on, slewed round, hit a rock. She pulled that exact face.

But I never got that face from Liz, because as far she was concerned,

she didn't know I had tried to do a handbrake turn, because

I had just got that twang, that was the only twang I got

on that evening! As far as she could see,

I had just parked badly the wrong way round.

-She just thought I was an arse.

-I think I know why they're doing this.

It's to cut down on unwanted teenage pregnancy.

And it could work. It's a clever thought.

It'll probably work, but it'll also cut down on the future of mankind.

-I think it is irresponsible.

-If you think about it,

if a man can't use a handbrake to pull a girl, what's he going to do?

There's going to be a lot of frustrated men around.

-You may have to talk to her.

-No! No!

-Car makers, please, stop it.

You're meddling with forces unseen and more powerful than you.

-Shall we get back to cars?

-Yeah, let's do it.

Peugeot, as we know, are the worst driven cars on the road,

always doing 40 in the outside lane, they're always in your way.

But now there is a new car from Peugeot. We have it here

in the studio. It's called the Onyx. It looks absolutely fantastic

and you'll notice that some of the bodywork is made from copper.

Just like the boiler tubes on a Gresley A4 Streamliner Pacific.

Yes, James, yes, yes.

And it's actually untreated copper, so, over time, it'll turn green

unless a scrap metal merchant removes it in the night.

Inside they've continued the theme of using unusual materials,

so the dashboard is made out of recycled newspaper.

I'm guessing they'll have used the Guardian for everything

on the left and the Telegraph for everything on the right!

Actually the newspaper is good because it means there is no need to

Bluetooth your phone to it.

The dashboard will already have listened to your messages for you.

The engine is a 680 horsepower V8 turbo diesel hybrid.

That means a top speed in the outside lane of 40.

Anyway, this is the future, perhaps, but now we must return to

the present, because we have some important information.

The Kia Cee'd, which we use as our reasonably priced car

has been updated and the new version is taking the world by storm.

This is it.

It has only been on sale for eight months

and already it has won the coveted Northern Car Of The Year award.

A chap called Derek Grocock

who is vice chairman of the Northern Group Of Motoring Writers

said it had impressed the judges with its comfort, value,

reliability, quality, and its seven-year warranty.

But this is Top Gear and we are interested in,

all of that obviously, but rather more besides.

So now let's see how well it does at all the things which matter to us.

Of course there is only one man

we can turn to for an answer. Matt LeBlanc,

the fastest star we have ever had in our reasonably priced car.

Of course Matt lives in Los Angeles

but he appreciated the importance of the question.

First, the old car.

Old versus new. The age-old question.

And now, the new version.

Ah, that new-car smell. Huh?

So there we are.

-Thanks a lot.

-Thank you.

-Any time.

With Matt gone, I moved on to a test I could handle myself.

I'm coming up now to a row of parked cars in a top-of-the-range Cee'd

which has this little button down here.

If I push it, sensors start to scan the gaps to see if any of them

are big enough for me to park in. What about this gap here?

I don't think that's big enough. Does the car agree?

It will "bong" if it thinks it's big enough. It didn't like that.

What about this one?

BONG

There it is.

Now that's very impressive. But what it does next is even better.

If I put it in reverse I am told this will go into that gap

with no steering input at all from me.

To see if that is true I am going to wear a blindfold. OK.

I can now see nothing at all. Here we go.

Easing it backwards. Hands not on the wheel. Oh, my God, it's turning.

This is spooky.

I'm going to get some beeps to tell me when

I'm close to the car behind.

-BEEPS

-There we are.

Then I put it in drive.

-This...

-LAUGHS

This is weird now.

If I take this off and I am parked I shall be amazed.

SILENCE

So now let's consider some rather more important questions.

Yes.

MUSIC: "Layla" by Eric Clapton

We plugged the lead into the auxiliary socket

and asked a local guitarist to try it out.

HE PLAYS LAYLA

He seemed quite impressed.

So far then the little Kia is passing all our tests

and passing them well,

but I know what you're thinking.

This is a big problem because if you have your container of water

for the eel and even a small amount of sodium -

I've only got 100 grams here - and the two were to

come into contact with one another, the results could be catastrophic.

As I shall now demonstrate.

HE COUGHS

Time and time again we hear about eel and sodium salesmen

going about their business when all of a sudden...

..their car explodes.

To make sure that doesn't happen in the Cee'd, special segregated

trays are fitted underneath the boot floor

so you can have your sodium in one tray,

separated from the water into which I am now going to place an eel.

There we go. Don't jiggle about. You'll get water on the sodium.

That's what happened to your mum. Stay. Good eel. Excellent.

Now we will just close the boot floor.

That really is an intelligent piece of design.

MUFFLED BANG

HE SIGHS

So now let's look at another vital issue that was not

addressed by Mr Grocock.

HORN BEEPS

Yes, he can.

And he managed to do that without getting any more

blood or oil on his shirt.

Yes, it is. A mid-range 1.6 litre Kia

is 17,195. A mid-range 1.6 litre Focus, 17,200.

For the price of the Focus you can have a Kia

plus £5 to spend on...

..£5 worth of things.

There was a time when Kias were cheaper than their European

rivals because they were very nasty, but those days have gone.

This really is not nasty at all.

I think it is good-looking on the outside,

good-looking on the inside as well.

It has sophisticated independent rear suspension

so you can stick it into a corner pretty confident that you

will come out OK on the other side.

It is well-equipped.

And it has passed nearly all of our tests with flying colours.

The Kia Cee'd - good enough for Mr Grocock

and good enough for Top Gear.

Very thorough. Very, very thorough. A lot of information there.

Now, though, it is time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

My guest tonight is a young chap from Hertfordshire

who recently got a new Mercedes and wants to come and tell us

all about it. Normally, we would tell him to get lost.

But we decided to make an exception on this occasion

because...

his name, ladies and gentlemen, is Lewis Hamilton.

Great! You are back. You are back.

-Have a seat. Have a seat.

-It feels good to be back.

-Luxury.

Obviously the first question is the big one.

You have moved from McLaren to Mercedes.

Is that not a bit like moving from Manchester United to West Ham?

Firstly, thanks for the warm welcome, everyone.

Don't change the subject.

Good to be back.

Yes, no, it's a big change for me obviously,

but I'm really excited about it.

Everyone is criticising it and has their own opinions but for me

I have been at McLaren since I was 13.

It was a long period there and I wanted a change. I am a risk taker.

There is a risk and a risk because McLaren have won, what, 182 races.

Mercedes has won...one in five years. What makes you think...?

-Well, they won the Championship.

-Well, it was actually Brawn...

-Brawn.

-Technically not...

-Have they told you that? "We've won. We've won."

-You are right.

They have struggled the last few years, but I think

when the rules came out in 2009,

everyone came out with the design of a car and they started out,

and every year after that it is an evolution of that car.

And they started off on the wrong foot

and they've been on the wrong foot since then.

One of the things I thought,

-you had to do a lot of PR work at McLaren, didn't you?

-Mm.

-Everybody knows that is dreadful.

-Yeah.

"Buy this terrible thing that sponsors our car."

-Is there going to be less of that?

-A lot less, yes.

-A lot less?

-Yes.

That is good enough. Why did you not just say because you have to do less

-standing around talking rubbish?

-It's not that.

There were so many good things about the opportunity to go

somewhere where they are struggling and hopefully be

a part of something that will get somewhere and become great.

So, we needn't expect to see you

leading everybody around from pole position?

You definitely should not expect that this year.

-Because initial testing has not been completely successful so far?

-No.

-It wasn't good. Brake failure on my 14th lap.

-What speed? Pretty fast.

Yeah. I was at the end of the back straight going into turn six

and hit the brakes at 180 mph, 190, and then nothing happened.

I just went straight in...

So when you put your foot on the brake pedal

and you're going 180 and nothing happens. Poo?

No, you do swear, though.

-You have time to think of a swear word?

-Yes, you do.

-And you have time to brace.

-Do you?

Yes, so I was going towards the wall and

I remember just holding on for dear life, knowing it was going to hurt.

-Did it hurt?

-It did. Particularly in my legs.

For some reason, I don't know, I went in straight ahead,

but my legs seem to hurt when I go straight into a wall.

Now, I do know what I need to talk to you about.

The handbrake in the modern car.

-Have you ever thought, "If I pull this, she...?"

-I am sure I have.

In the first years that I was driving, I'm sure.

We were discussing this earlier. It is one of the weirdest things.

We are all fairly clear, girls don't like men who do

-handbrake turns, but we think they do.

-My girlfriend loves it.

-Does she?

-I have a good story about my handbrake turns.

Years ago, I was at a karting race in Italy with Nico as my team-mate.

It was 2000.

Me, my dad and Keke Rosberg,

were on our way to the track and my dad was driving down this

country lane, which off the edge of the road drops down into a field

and there is a metre drop.

Keke all of a sudden just pulls the handbrake while my dad is driving.

And my dad doesn't really know how to drive that well.

-He thinks he's a great driver...

-He's not here to argue.

Lost the back end of the car and put it down into the ditch

and we had to leave it there and walk to the track.

There wasn't even a girl in the car? Who was Keke trying to impress?

-I don't know.

-Your dad.

-My dad, yes.

-Keke is gay!

And on that bombshell...

Now, I know that you have been very much looking forward to

-coming back here.

-Yes, I have.

-You have been here before.

-Yes, 2008.

Now most guests do a lap, take the weather on the chin,

snow, ice, rain, and then go away. You did not do that.

-You were cross, weren't you?

-I was not happy that it was raining.

-It was wet.

-I am told that you took our producer around the back...

LAUGHTER

..and a deal was done that you could come back and try again

-when the track was dry.

-Yes.

-This was a bloody quick time. 1.44.

-And it was wet.

-Wet and oily.

-Oily, was it?

-Get it right. Yes.

Racing drivers' excuses, but...

I thought wet was all it said, but it's wet and oily.

"Wet and oily," you said.

You said someone in the last corner dumped some oil.

It had come out of Hammond's hair.

Obviously, thorn in your side here, Sebastian sits at the top.

-That irritates you?

-Mm-hm.

He's had the best car for God knows how many years

and is also the quickest on Top Gear, so...

You wanted to do something about that?

Every driver wants...

I remember when Rubens came and did the time.

We went to a drivers' briefing in Germany.

He brought everyone a shirt.

He gave himself, "I beat The Stig,"

and everyone else, "The Stig beat me."

-So you didn't do your lap today?

-No.

You came down and did the lap many months ago.

Who would like to see Lewis practising for his lap?

AUDIENCE: Yes

Let's have a look.

There he goes. Second to last corner catches all of our guests out,

including one Lewis Hamilton.

-Was that me?

-Yes.

I only put it on to make all the other guests feel better

because they are like, "No, I have spun off."

Now they can go, "At least

"Lewis Hamilton did the same thing in exactly the same place."

Nevertheless, you then lined up to do your lap again.

-Who here would like to see it?

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

Here we go.

It is, of course, the old Liana.

That was a good gear change.

Come on, baby!

Yes, we do not use the Cee'd for Formula One drivers.

You all have to drive that.

It's nice to see it back looking tall and ungainly and slow.

HE HUMS

'I thought you were determined to go fastest?

-'I was.

-Singing. It's like Kimi Raikkonen looking at the planes.'

Whoo!

'Look what you're doing.

'Is this the sort of man who looks like he's determined

'to go faster than Sebastian Vettel?

-'Look at that, I didn't even cut the corner.

-I'm very impressed.'

Not surprised, but I'm very impressed.

'Here we go.'

Peace!

-'That was to the cameraman.

-I know.

'Oh!

'A couple of bites at the cherry. That's nicely done.

-'It actually looks like it handles quite well, bless it.

-It does.

'And there we are, everyone, across the line.'

There is no point asking you where you want to come.

-You know.

-You know where you want to be.

Well, Lewis Hamilton. Mmm-mmm! It was a 1.44 that Sebastian did.

Lewis Hamilton, you did it in... one...

..forty...

-..2.9.

-CHEERING

Unbelievable. Unbelievably fast time.

-Wa-hey!

-I will leave it there.

You weren't even concentrating.

-Wow.

-Pleased?

-I'm really surprised.

-It didn't even look like you were concentrating.

-I was...

It has been months and you guys wouldn't even tell me.

No, we never tell anybody.

I was thinking to myself, "I'm going to be so disappointed in myself

-"if I didn't do a competitive time."

-Anyway, he has now hung himself.

And obviously everybody here is very pleased to have a Brit

-back on the top of the leaderboard.

-AUDIENCE: Yes.

When I say everybody, there is one man who is not pleased. The Stig.

He knew about this time months ago when you did the lap.

This week, he left the country.

He went to North Korea to do an experiment. We don't know what.

So, apart from him, everyone is thrilled.

Ladies and gentlemen, the fastest man we've ever had - Lewis Hamilton.

CHEERING

Well done, mate. That was worth coming back for.

Without a doubt.

Now, a couple of weeks back

we finished our American road trip at the Mexican border.

The last one there had to cross over and test something called

the Mastretta, which is a new sports car being made there.

Now, Top Gear is not very popular in Mexico

because of some comments that were made on the show.

And, unfortunately,

the man who lost that race,

and would therefore have to go into Mexico

and test the Mastretta was the man who made those comments -

our Director of International Relations,

Boutros Boutros Hammond.

DOG BARKS

OK, so, here we are in Mexico but it's all right,

I have everything under control.

You see?

An angry Mexican looks in, they'll see Jeremy,

and they hate Jeremy just as much as they hate me.

Look at me!

Power! Oh, everything's rubbish.

Except, no, cos I am now Jeremy,

so they'll still cut my head off and then...

I haven't thought this through at all, have I?

I'm not going to bother with that.

OK, let's get this test over with

as quickly as possible and get out of here.

'Eventually, I found a place where no-one could see me

'and I could get on with some serious road testing.'

So, what have we got here?

Well, its full name is the Mastretta MXT

and this is the first fully home-grown Mexican car.

'Now, when most countries make their first car,

'it's something cheap and practical for the masses.

'But what the Mexicans have done is skip the intro

'and gone straight for a sports car.'

Any similarities between this and an early Lotus Elise are not accidental.

It's small, it's compact, leather bucket seats,

suede-ish trim here and there.

Steering wheel no bigger than a tortilla, which is a good thing.

'The interior, the chassis and the body are all Mexican made.

'But the two litre turbo engine is actually from over the border.'

It's a Ford and it makes 250bhp,

enough to take the Mastretta to 60 in 4.9 seconds.

Which could be useful if, say, somebody was trying to chase you.

'Unlike some lightweight sports cars,

'the Mastretta offers luxuries such as air-con and a stereo.'

Put the radio on.

MEXICAN SONG PLAYS Oh, yeah, my favourite. I love this.

'Despite the equipment, the MXT is no fatty -

'weighing in at just 1,050 kilograms

'thanks to a chassis made of carbon fibre and aluminium.'

You can see how they've tried to keep

all the car's weight between the wheels,

which is why there is absolutely no overhang at the back or the front,

which is all well and good, still not sure about the styling, though.

It looks like an Audi TT that has been squashed in a vice

and that's a good thing. Very good. Morning!

Buenos dias.

The kind of thing Ferrari could learn a lot from. I shouldn't sit on it,

I don't want to scratch it. Look at that - sleek.

Yeah!

'The really good thing about the Mastretta

'is that it pretty much does what it says on the tin.'

For a simple, uncomplicated, little, track-day car,

you want it to feel like a go-kart.

This kind of does.

It does grip.

I was waiting for understeer then, there wasn't any.

The gear linkage, always difficult when the engine is behind you,

works very well.

'But it's not without faults.'

The bonnet rattles about a bit.

The windscreen wipers occasionally set off

for a wander all on their own without being asked.

The seals around the windows are terrible, hence the noise.

And it makes a hell of a noise over the bumps,

of which there are a few in Mexico.

'At £37,000, it's also nearly ten grand more than a Lotus Elise.

'And, unfortunately for me, the fuel tank is small.'

Hola. Petrolo pumpo numero uno, por favor.

'Despite the flaws, inside the Mastretta is a good little car,

'just waiting to be finished.'

The thing is, we have kind of been here before in a way.

James and Jeremy, when they went to China,

were road testing their first attempt at a car

and it wasn't brilliant.

First attempts never are but, and who knows, with more time

and more practice, one day the name Mastretta

might really stand for something.

I think, on the whole, that went pretty well.

That car's been behind me for a while now. He's following, isn't he?

That is... He's... He's following me.

Yeah.

APPLAUSE

-Yeah, I know.

-Really?! Really?

-What?

-Were you just being nice so you weren't beheaded?

No, no, like I said, it is genuinely quite a good little car.

Once they sort out some quality issues, it shows real promise.

Well, listen, the hatchet is now buried, OK?

I think, thanks to Ban Ki-Hammond, we can now move on

because, tonight,

we are subjecting the new Kia Cee'd to many, many thorough tests.

And coming up now is the most thorough test of them all.

Can you play rugby in it?

'Since we were being thorough, we didn't bother with some minor league

'club ground but headed instead for the home of English rugby...'

'..Twickenham.'

MUSIC: "Jerusalem"

OK, I'm going to be captaining the grey team and the silver team

will be captained by a man who knows this ground incredibly well.

-He drives past it almost every day. James.

-Jeremy.

-Rules of car rugby.

-Yeah, and I've got a question straightaway.

-Which is?

-On behalf of the viewers, I suspect,

don't you have to pass it backwards?

-In real rugby, yes. That's not possible.

-So, we're not doing that?

-Are we allowed to do this?

-What, here?

-Yes.

-Yes!

-Has anybody said "hallowed ground" yet?

-Not yet.

-Can if you want.

-Go on, then.

On this hallowed ground, we are about to play car rugby.

'In our game, the Cee'd will be the speedy backs.

'And up front, we'll be using Kia Sportages as the hard men -

'the forwards.

'So, all we need now is a ref.'

SIREN BLARES

-OK, are you ready, James May?

-Yes. I'd just point out that

the referee can't speak and he doesn't know the rules.

But, yes, I'm ready.

'As team captains, Clarkson and I were both in cars numbered four.'

ENGINES REV

SIREN WARBLES

And punt!

Yes! They're reversing.

Look, I'm frightening them!

-Argh! I've lost it.

-Forwards, forwards.

Here we go. May is ready to go through the gap. Yes!

Oh, it's still mine.

No, I've lost it.

Oh, look at this. He's carrying it!

He's picked up the ball and he's running with it.

'Bravely, James tried to block my beefy forward.'

I think we can get this back.

-CRUNCH

-Oh!

Well done, men. Well done! I'm loving your play.

'Then, grey five broke free.'

Yes, I'm here and ready.

Yes! Yes!

-Yes! No!

-BLEEP!

Yes!

Ye-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-e-es!

What a try!

SIREN WARBLES

Whoo-hah!

'Having established the Cee'd could score a try,

'it was now time to see if it could do the next bit.'

OK, time for a conversion.

Why does he do that? Why does Jonny Wilkinson do this?

ENGINES REV

Right, here we go.

At Twickenham!

Yes!

No, no, no, no!

Rubbish.

SIREN BLARES

SIREN WARBLES

Fall in, grey.

Come on, winger! Come on!

I should explain, James May is using a diesel,

it has a higher top speed

than my 1.6 litre petrol

but I have better acceleration, less weight.

Oh, no, this is bad. They're free.

Come on, winger.

Winger. Winger.

Nice play, guys. Nice play.

Ooh! Violent move there. Must be James.

And was.

Keep it in. Keep it in.

-SIREN BLARES

-A-ha! It's gone out.

-I think you'll find that's a grey throw-in.

-What's a grey throw-in?

-This is a grey car.

-No, but your bloke knocked that out.

-He didn't!

-He did!

-He didn't. I'm going to go and ask the ref.

Whose throw-in was that?

Silver? Grey? Can you point?

The worst referee I've ever come across.

'I told James the ref had said it was a grey throw-in.

'So now it was time for our first lineout.'

This is a very useful feature of the Cee'd.

It's small, compact,

so you can get a good run-up for taking a lineout.

SIREN WAILS

Here we go. And...a bit of wheel-spin and punt!

Oh, push, push, push!

ENGINES REV

I'm against the bigger man...car!

Use that torque!

Ah, they're only front-wheel drive,

those Sportages, but they have power.

Come on, team!

Where's the ball gone? There it is.

'James had the ball and was heading for the try line.'

Dribbling... What's it called in rugby?

Running with it.

'But we soon put a stop to that.'

Ooh! Oh!

'So now, my grey team had the advantage.'

Go, number 5. Go, go, go!

Ain't no stopping him now!

He's on the move. He's in the groove!

Yes!

Come on, number three!

That is a try.

HORNS BEEP

SIREN WAILS

This is hopeless. We're getting thrashed at this.

'Weirdly, my team let me have another go at a conversion.'

Right, I'm going for a massive, massive, massive, kick this time.

SIREN WAILS

Go over!

Yes! Yes!

It's a big one!

'At this point, the ref signalled half-time.'

SIREN WAILS

And, in the dressing rooms, we had the obligatory team talks.

Right, chaps, we are fine athletes, I think anyone can see that.

But there is a lot we can learn from actual rugby players.

This was drawn up for a recent match they played

and this is what I want you to concentrate on in the second half -

mindset, go for it, enjoy it, never give in, OK?

And I think we can add a fourth to that, which is ram James May. OK?

Ram him whenever you see him and ram him hard.

Really hard.

Gentleman, I don't want to put too fine a point on this.

It's half-time, we're losing, you're a bit crap.

Now, when we're on the attack we're getting very messy.

Go up the pitch together in formation,

so we can pass straight up but be ready to come back down again.

Very important, reversing if necessary.

If not, you can get to the other end

and you can quite easily do a handbrake turn around the post.

Either side, handbrake turn around the post,

up you go again to the top and kill Clarkson. That's all you have to do.

Any questions?

ECHOING SIREN

'We knew, as the second half began, we had it all to do.'

Right, my blokes need to get in there and batter them.

'The lads did just that.'

JAMES LAUGHS

'And soon I got a break.'

It's a run!

I'm coming in from the back!

I know that's Clarkson trying to tackle me.

Yes!

That's a try!

HORN BEEPS

Oh, God!

'Naturally, I elected to take the conversion.'

SIREN WAILS

Please miss. Please miss.

Oh, he's done it!

Give me that!

Damn it!

SCOREBOARD BUZZES

'May's comeback wasn't the only problem.'

Oh, dear, this hallowed turf is starting to get

a bit messed up, if I'm honest.

'And things really weren't helped by the scrums.'

Oh, no, it's... I'm stuck. I've dug a big hole. I can't get...

JEREMY LAUGHS

'But on the upside, everything was lovely inside the Kias.'

You see, normally when people play rugby they get hot

and they get sweaty but we're not having any of that here.

Got the air conditioning set just so. I'm not hot, I'm sitting down.

'Whilst I was distracted by the Kia, Team May broke through again.'

We're on the run.

Stop him, somebody!

This is what we want!

Here we go.

That's a try!

SCOREBOARD BUZZES

Beautiful!

'Worse still, James got a second successful conversion...'

Yes!

'..putting his team ahead.'

They are destroying us in this phase of play.

'With just two points in it

'and the rain turning Twickenham's hallowed turf

'into a muddy skating rink,

'the play became dirty...

'and violent.'

Classic rugby weather.

SIREN WAILS

I must say, viewers,

at this point I have no idea what Jeremy has said in this test.

I can confirm, though, that the Cee'd crashes quite well.

Coming in for a try...

Boof!

Ooh, crikey, Moses!

These things are built like brick lavatories.

'Which was good,

'because on this surface stopping was becoming a bit of an issue.'

'Football, that we used to play, car football...'

-Ooh,

-BLEEP!

'..is well-suited to a...'

CRUNCH!

Sorry. That was a total mistake. My fault.

That's not cricket.

It's actually not that bad. It'll buff out.

'Despite some injuries,

'all the Kias were still playing as the match entered its final phase.'

Oh, he's on a run!

Oh, come on, men!

Pass it. Don't try and get through. Pass.

No!

It's us! It's us! Go, go, go!

Yes! Yes! Yes! Looking good!

Oh, don't back up!

Go!

Yes! That is a try!

SCOREBOARD BUZZES

SIREN WAILS

Read it and weep!

MUSIC: "Jerusalem"

I think we've learned two things tonight.

Number one, if you want to play rugby in a car,

the Cee'd is brilliant.

It's fast, it's agile and it's tough.

But, perhaps more importantly,

we've learned that grass is not a good surface.

I mean, we've only played one match here and look,

the pitch is completely ruined - absolutely ruined.

They're going to have to pave this over, really.

APPLAUSE

Hold on!

I thought it was.

Hold on.

-Chaps?!

-What?

Do you know why they call it hallowed turf?

Erm...

Because it is hallowed. Do you know what hallowed means?

Temporary.

LAUGHTER

Yes, yes, James. "Our Father who art in heaven, temporary be thy name."

-Oh, yeah.

-I do think we owe everyone a apology.

-Yes, you do.

Because we've just shown strong pornography before the watershed.

-Sorry, what?

-All that handbrake action.

Oh, yes.

Every single girl watching tonight will be cross-eyed.

-Good point.

-They don't see two fat middle-aged men any more.

What they see are Bradley Cooper and Ryan Reynolds.

-I'm not sure the handbrake lever is that effective.

-Yes, it is.

And on that bombshell, it is time to end.

Thank you so much for watching. Good night!

APPLAUSE

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

I've got to get a picture of this.

CHEERS AND APPLAUSE