Episode 1 Top Gear

-APPLAUSE

-Hello!

Hello, everybody! Thank you so much. We're back!

We are back!

Yes, however, we're back

and I'm sure many of you will be delighted to hear that in this,

our 20th series, we've slowed down a little and grown up a lot.

GROANING AND LAUGHTER

We have. To show you what I mean,

we've prepared a montage which shows what you can expect

over the coming weeks from a new, more mature Top Gear.

Gentlemen, the time has come.

Oh, you're joking!

What I'm saying is, we turn this town into a street circuit.

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, God. Ow!

He's looking good there, looking good.

Sorry.

-It's uphill.

-Yeah!

-Keep going!

-Hell, yeah.

It is a rampant rabbit.

There has been a crash.

Oooh, in the face!

I can hear a bike.

What did we learn, really?

APPLAUSE

Not much evidence of maturity there!

Because there isn't any. But anyway! That is all to come,

some of it later on,

but we begin in the 1980s.

Back then hot hatchbacks were very, very popular.

Everybody wanted to steal one - and perhaps that's why

they went away. But now, they're coming back,

and we thought we ought to see what is what.

So, Richard Hammond is your adjudicator

and the track is our battleground.

This is the first one to come charging over the top.

The Peugeot 208 GTi.

Righty-oh! What we are looking for here is something

we haven't seen in a long while.

A Peugeot where you can actually feel its pulse.

And it's off to a promising start

because they certainly haven't scrimped on power.

200 horsepower, that's what you get from the 1.6-litre turbo,

and that's quite a generous helping in a little car.

0-60 is dispatched in under seven seconds.

Then comes the torque. Quite a lot of it, 203 foot-pounds.

It's like surfing a giant wave of exploding petrol.

The designers have been allowed to enjoy themselves, too,

because everywhere you look,

there are little reminders of the much-loved 205 GTi.

It's good, it shows intent,

like this chubby little steering wheel. It says, "Come on, then,

"let's get on and do something!"

Which brings us neatly to the most important part of a GTi.

What happens when you ask it to go round a corner? Come on,

little Peugeot, let's see if you can set my trousers on fire.

There it is!

HE LAUGHS

TYRES SCREECH

It does eat up corners.

It's light, there's loads of grip and I swear I'm cocking a wheel,

I'm sure I am.

That's a wheel in the air. Bit of that!

Turn the indicators off and carry on like you meant it.

That's the way to do it!

There's no doubt about it, this car is a real return to form

from a company that's been stuck in a rut of dreary boxes for too long.

But remember, we're now in a GTi war, and to win it,

the Peugeot must take on this...

..the brand-new, hot, Renault Clio.

Like the Peugeot, it doesn't lack for oomph -

197 brake horsepower...

..from, like the Peugeot, a 1.6-litre turbo.

But where the Peugeot looks back to the old 205,

the Renault is aimed squarely at today's computer geeks.

This central screen here, I've got gauges - a lot of them.

I've got a G diagram of...my G.

And then this is real PlayStation stuff, you can

actually change the sound of the engine.

You go into the menu and you can select the noise from different cars.

Like a Renault Alpine, which is an old classic, or even an Nissan GTR.

So I'm going to have...a V6.

ENGINE REVS

Oooh, that sounds... Yeah!

If ten-year-olds could drive, they would love this.

And then, when you push this button,

a strangely familiar crash helmet appears,

and you can do this...

SCREECHING OF TYRES

It makes the ride, the brakes, everything a lot more hard-core.

Oh! Come on, that's feeling nice.

Without doubt,

the computerised Clio has a more juvenile streak than the Peugeot.

But sadly, it also has a really annoying problem.

This gearbox, it's about as sharp as a vicar sweeping up leaves.

Through the bends, it just doesn't have the speed to react.

And there's another problem -

the whole idea of a flappy paddle gearbox in a hot hatch.

I don't want to sound like James May, "I prefer the old-fashioned type."

But I do.

Changing gear is a vital form of self-expression

that I'm being denied.

It's not like you can opt for a manual, either, because

with this car, it's flappy paddle or nothing.

The hi-tech little Renault is good

but the stupid gearbox spoils your fun.

And that leaves it vulnerable to attack from this...

..the Ford Fiesta ST.

It's been five "too long" years since Ford give us a hot Fiesta.

And on paper, this thing looks to be going into battle with

the Frenchies on the back foot, because like the other two,

it's got a 1.6-litre turbo, but 20 brake horsepower less -

179.

But here's the thing, the other two each cost just under 19 grand -

this...is two grand cheaper.

Yet despite the reasonable price, the Fiesta certainly looks the part.

It's got fat, 17-inch alloys, Recaro seats,

and a full suite of skirts, spoilers and big exhausts.

All of which is very nice, but with that 20 horsepower deficit,

the Fiesta is still likely to get a pasting in a drag race.

But you never know, this is lighter and it has more torque.

It might win, or come second...

or third.

Three, two, one.

Go!

Changing gear as quickly as I can, manually - like a man!

Come on, come on, Ford! Come on!

Oh! Yes, it's done the third thing, it did the third option.

But then I took the Ford for a spot of cornering.

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, this is epic!

The others have had their suspension lowered a bit.

This has had its dropped by a whole juicy 15mm.

You can feel it - it corners flat.

It's not just about being nearer the ground.

Everything about the Fiesta - the steering, the handling,

the responsiveness - is peerless.

They've got this bang-on right.

It's brilliant.

And when you switch the traction control off, it really is...off.

Ha-ha!

Ford have remembered the key mantra of a hot hatch -

it's not just what it does...

..it's how it makes you feel while it's doing it.

Da! You can't put a price on that!

Superb!

So, conclusion time. The Peugeot and the Renault are really very good.

But the Ford? The Ford is simply brilliant.

APPLAUSE

-It is, though. It is, it's fabulous.

-I know. Amazing car.

It's almost as though all the planets aligned to make this car.

-Exactly.

-Everything was in place.

-Exactly it.

In years to come, this will be looked back on as an all-time classic.

It's the same way we look back now on the Sierra Cosworth or

-the RS2000.

-The Mexico.

-Lotus Cortina.

That's how good this thing is.

I mean, the other two are good, very good, but this thing is just genius.

It is. But is it the fastest round our track? To find out,

we must give them all to our tame racing driver.

Some say he has the world's largest collection of horse eggs.

LAUGHTER

And that when he knocked Rafa Nadal out this week,

it wasn't during a game of tennis.

All we know is, he's called The Stig!

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

And they're off. A strong start from the Fiesta,

but the other two soon level up

as they pile down to the first corner, turbos spinning furiously.

Tyres howling as they dart to the left,

but that's about as dramatic as it gets so far.

MUSIC: "Keeping Up Appearances" theme tune

I'm told The Stig was listening to TV theme tunes there...

Frankly, it sounded like an accident in a bric-a-brac shop.

Anyway, they swing round Chicago, no fuss.

Into the Hammerhead - this should root out under-steerers,

they're all front-wheel drive.

The Fiesta flashing its hazards under hard braking,

but they're all bang on-line. Very tidy. Impressive stuff.

JAUNTY MUSIC

Stig choosing to reverse round in the Renault for some reason.

Anyway, is the Fiesta's lack of power going

to be exposed here?

No, not by the look of it. Two corners left.

The Peugeot cocking a wheel.

Yes. There we are as we go

to the second-to-last corner,

only Gambon, all three scampering through there.

Not much between them - and across the line!

APPLAUSE

OK, now.

The Renault - that did it in 1.32.

The Peugeot - 1.33.2.

And the Ford Fiesta, the one we're interested in,

1.32.7. So, it's in the middle - but it doesn't matter.

This is still the one to buy.

I honestly haven't driven a car as surprising

or as likeable as this for a very, very long while.

The only thing I don't like about it is the name, ST.

Why have they named it after a lady towel?

And now the news. The news is, you may have read about this recently,

there are plans to open pubs in motorway service stations.

-I don't get that.

-I don't get it, either.

Because, as it's on a motorway,

you're bound to be driving, which means you can only have one drink.

And when it comes to drink, one is impossible.

-LAUGHTER

-Come on!

-What if...? What if you're the passenger?

-I see, James,

-so I'm driving you.

-Mm-hmm.

As I fill up with petrol, you say, "I'm going to get a gin and tonic."

Yes.

Well, if you do that, you may as well prepare a sign that

says "Hammersmith" on a bit of card.

Because when you come out, I will have gone.

I'm not actually that interested in pubs in motorway service stations.

What bothers me is - why do they sell trousers?

I've never got halfway...

Has anybody ever gone halfway through a motorway

and thought, "I've forgot my trousers!

"I had better get these elasticated beige ones."

I don't understand why people even stop to eat at motorway

service stations.

There is no car journey in Britain so long that you would starve

to death before you got somewhere to eat.

Like the pub thing, it's not that far to wait for a drink.

You don't think, "I'm so desperate, I'm going to pull over

"and have half a pint of shandy."

Stupid.

-I would.

-That's cos you're a raving alcoholic, James.

-Can I let you into a little secret?

-Oh, is it time?

-N...

-LAUGHTER

APPLAUSE

I think after 20 series...

No, can I let you into a little secret?

You know those gantries over the motorway,

they've got them on the M25 and on the M1, OK?

They have speed limits on them so that you can temporarily lower

the speed limit to warn drivers of an accident or congestion ahead.

And then there are speed cameras on the back of the gantries to

make sure that people do actually slow down.

Well, now here is my secret.

It turns out the police can turn those cameras on at

-any time they like.

-Really?

Which means the Chief Constable sitting at his desk, thinks,

"I fancy a new car."

Pop the cameras on, and after, I was going to say half an hour,

but probably ten seconds, he's got enough for a supercharged Jag.

LAUGHTER

We should point out for reasons of BBC impartiality that other

luxury cars are available to bent chiefs of policemen.

-Right, now, can we talk about BMW?

-Yes.

-Yes.

They're on a bit of a roll at the moment,

-they are making some cracking cars.

-Very much so.

Now there's another new one coming called the 4 Series,

we have a picture of it here.

It's a replacement for the two-door 3 Series Coupe.

I think that looks absolutely fantastic,

and best of all, there's going to be a motor sport version.

So that will be called the M4!

So presumably it will be fantastic at one end and then very dark

and miserable at the other end.

And then you will pay a toll to put something in the boot

but not to take it out again.

Now, moving on - tonight we are going to have a race

and it's a very important one, because it's to see which is

fastest - Jeremy in a car, or me on a sailing boat?

First of all, we needed a course.

The producer suggested we go from Great Yarmouth

up the North Sea to Edinburgh.

Or perhaps from Aberystwyth down through the Irish Sea

to the Lizard Point in Cornwall.

But then James and I had a better idea.

Yes, we did.

'Welcome to New Zealand. The perfect location for our duel.

'Pretty landscapes for Jeremy to drive through

'and most importantly for me, sea that's warm.'

So our race - this is what New Zealand looks like.

This is the bit we are interested in, blown up for you here.

I shall be starting from this very beach, here on the map,

and racing up here to the second most northerly point in New Zealand.

Jeremy, meanwhile, will have to go down here, through

the centre of Auckland and all the way up here to reach the same point.

So I only have to cover 220 miles.

Jeremy has to cover 410.

'To make matters even worse for Jeremy, 35%

'of New Zealand's roads are unpaved, which would slow him down.

'And this is what he'd be up against.

'It's called an AC45, and it's the fastest production

'sailing boat in the world.

'With a carbon fibre hull and a rigid sail as big as the wing

'on a Boeing 737, it can reach over 30 knots.

'Then there's the crew. All but one are winners of the America's Cup,

'the most prestigious trophy in yacht racing.

'And as for the one who isn't, well, he's Sir Ben Ainslie,

'four times Olympic sailing gold medallist.

'Put all this together and Jeremy hasn't got a chance.'

I do realise the enormity of the challenge I face, which is

why I have gone for the fastest car in the world.

Here it is.

-It's a Toyota Corolla.

-Is that what it is? I haven't looked. Yes, it is.

It's a 1.8-litre Toyota Corolla.

Engine size is irrelevant, James,

because do you know what makes this so fast?

Look in the window.

-I've rented it.

-Oh, no.

-Yes! And this is the thing, you see.

The Bugatti Veyron, sometimes you're using 15 horsepower,

sometimes you're using only ten.

This, you've got 140 horsepower from the moment you start it up

to the moment you crash it.

Did you pick up one of those, what are they called,

-collision damage waiver forms?

-No, I picked up six. I did, actually!

When her back was turned, I thought, "I'll have some of those."

-So you're ready?

-I'm really ready for this.

-Everybody else ready?

Right, this race will start at precisely seven o'clock

tomorrow morning.

-Beer?

-Yes, beer.

OK, pre-flight check. Complete.

There's the boat. Soon it will be pointing in the correct direction,

and the race will begin.

'Eventually the boat had done its gybing and sheeting

'and going about and all the crew were at their stations.

-'And so, at precisely 7.11, the race began.'

-Three, two, one...

HORN BLARES

Go! Come on!

We're racing, we're going. Go, boys.

Deploy whenever ready.

Power!

This is not simply a race between a sailing boat

and a little blue hatchback.

I am on a mission from God,

because the world has got it into its head that wind power is

the solution to everything, and I just don't think it is.

Wind is just annoying. Internal combustion is good.

'And at that moment, it looked like I may have had a point.'

-The wrong sail.

-What?

When you say the wrong sail, where is the other sail?

-It's right in front of us.

-In that bag?

'With the sails having to be swapped over quickly,

'the crew got very shouty with me.'

James, pull that rope.

James, what are you doing there? Get in and help.

Ah!

'The boat was stationary, just 200 metres from the start line.

'Things were looking good... for Jeremy.'

Oh, wow, big one.

It was PJ O'Rourke, the American author,

who first noticed that hire cars are the fastest cars in the world,

and he is, of course, completely correct.

Because when was the last time you took your car to the red line?

Or you drove it flat out? Never.

But here, in this, now, yes, because it isn't mine.

Speed!

'Back at sea, the new sail was up,

'but we still weren't going fast enough.'

12 knots, which is about 14mph in car terms.

That's not bad, but at that rate, it would take us 15 hours.

That's no good.

'Despite the gravel roads, I was going quite a lot faster.'

100km/h right there, into fourth.

Maybe going a little too fast there,

but it's not my car so it doesn't matter.

I just feel so sorry for James - he's on a boat, he's not

going to see anything of New Zealand,

the prettiest country in the

w... Aaaagh!

I hit something.

'After its wonky start,

'the boat was finally starting to stretch its legs.'

How fast are we going? 25 knots, that's tremendous.

We're about eight miles from the shore

so we've got 200 miles to run.

'This speed, however, did have its downsides.'

Oh!

What's my rank on this trip, skipper?

Am I the coxswain or the bosun or Roger the cabin boy?

-Right now, you're the cabin boy.

-Cabin boy.

That would be all right if you had a cabin.

Its accident report form.

"Was Avis vehicle on correct side of the road?"

Yes, I was. "Explain how accident occurred."

A maniac came the other way.

"State who, in your opinion, was responsible for the accident."

Him! Him! He was mad.

Right, onwards.

OK, three, two, one, gybing.

Ooh! Ow!

Come on, James, put some effort in.

This is so catastrophically uncomfortable as a way to travel.

'The £65-a-day hire car and the £700,000 boat hunkered down

'and pressed on.'

Tarmac, white lines.

-We've covered 36 miles.

-36?

-Course is 310.

'Imagining that I was well in the lead, I pulled over to call James.'

-Hello?

-James May.

-Yes, hello?

-What speed are you doing?

We've been cracking along at 23 knots-plus at some points -

it goes like stink.

23 knots, wow! Is it exhausting?

No, I want to say it's bloody uncomfortable and unpleasant,

but Sir Ben Ainslie is sitting next to me, so I can't really say that.

Can you congratulate him for how good he was in both Gandhi

and Sexy Beast?

'At this point, the producers showed me a tracking device that

'revealed where James actually was.' Oh, my giddy aunt!

That can't be right. According to this, you're miles ahead of me.

-Are you still talking to me? I can't hear you.

-Holy cow!

Get off the phone, I'm busy.

Hello?

'James was 170 miles from the finish line, whereas I,

'because of the unique way New Zealand is shaped,

'was still heading in the wrong direction, with 340 miles to go.'

What if I lose this race, people?

If you're campaigning now to stop the government building

2,500 windmills in your back garden to provide you

with enough electricity for the pump in your fish tank

and I lose this, I can only apologise.

I'm trying to help you out here, but I'm losing.

And I'm losing badly.

I'm actually losing.

And I don't like losing.

No... That boat is like being on a trampoline

that's on a trampoline while somebody throws buckets

of salty water in your face and then dries you off with a blowtorch.

I know what you mean.

On those gravel roads, the bumpiness in that car.

No, Jeremy, you don't know what I mean.

I just wanted to hit a mine, I wanted it to be over.

Well, we'll find out what happens later on, OK?

But now, it is time

to introduce to you all a brand-new reasonably priced car.

The old Kia Cee'd has been retired,

probably sold to a little old lady as an ex-demonstrator.

Low mileage. And this is what shall replace it.

This is a big moment, ladies and gentlemen.

The unveiling of what is, after all,

only our fourth reasonably priced car.

And so...

What do you think of that? Yeah!

APPLAUSE

It's drawn applause and I'm not surprised.

Because, ladies and men, this is

a Vauxhall Astra

1.6 Tech Line,

built in Britain

and available for £17,345.

That may not sound like particularly good value

but you need to know that the Astra Tech Line...

Remember to go into your local radio voice here.

..comes with...

IMPORTANT VOICE: A lifetime warranty.

LAUGHTER

Now think about that.

If you're 17

and you live to be 95 or even 100...

-A-ha.

-What?

No, it's the lifetime of the car.

Not the owner. It's different.

LAUGHTER

The car?!

It depends how long the car lives.

It's going to be a lot shorter.

-I don't know, it could be a long-lived car.

-Well, whatever,

we decided to launch it

with a star-studded party.

'We arrived at the track bright and early

'so we could set up the catering and the hospitality.

'And soon everything was ready for our distinguished guests.'

We have invited literally everybody

from the world of celebrity.

President Carter, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Moira Stuart.

I'll tell you who I've invited just for you, cos I know you like her...

-Joss Stone.

-Really?!

-Yes!

You'll be rubbish with her.

Hammond is literally the world's worst human being at small talk.

"Joss, would you like a tea bag?" See, I can do it.

Small talk's really easy, Hammond.

You just be interested in somebody else.

That's where it falls down, you see.

-You want to know, where do their kids go to school?

-Why?

-Where do they live?

-Why?

'My lesson in small talk was interrupted

'by the arrival of our first guest -

'Brian Johnson out of AC/DC.'

Good to see you, me son, are you all right?

How are you, mate, are you well?

I'm doing good. Richard, me bonny lad.

Nice to see you. How are you?

I'm fit as a butcher's dog. And you've got a new car?

Yeah, you are the very first person

to drive the new Vauxhall Astra Tech Line.

'Since this was the maiden voyage for our new car,

'we decided to give it a bit of a sendoff.'

This is it.

Proud moment.

A new reasonably priced car.

We'll cut the ribbon, thanks to Brian Johnson!

In...three, two, one - GO!

It's got stuck in the car.

You stupid idiot!

-What tape have you used?

-It didn't cut it.

What happened? Sorry, Brian.

You back up, Brian.

Edit this out.

In three, two, one...GO!

OK, come on, little boy.

Let's get this little puppy round it.

'Whilst Brian pounded round the track...

'..our next guest arrived.

'Charles Dance out of Game Of Thrones.'

Where's the other one, the third member of your team?

He doesn't come down. He's interested mostly

in classical harpsichord music, rather than...

-Richard, that's disgusting coffee.

-It is, thank you.

-BLEEP

-horrible.

Thank you.

-Come on, you

-BLEEP

-little

-BLEEP.

'With Brian busy enjoying himself,

'I had plenty of time to quiz Tywin Lannister

'about my favourite programme.'

I assumed that you'd be with

Tyrion Lannister and Lena Headey.

Who else? Oh, Sansa.

You have literally no idea what we're talking about, do you?

Have you not watched it, Richard?

-Yes!

-You have?

-No.

'Before Richard could make any more conversational errors,

'Brian came back to see how he'd got on.'

When you were last here in the Chevrolet Lacetti,

you did a 145.9.

Right.

In the Vauxhall Astra Tech Line...

With lifetime warranty.

..145...

-Oh...

-..one.

-Oh, brilliant!

-You're faster than you were before. Where...?

-There.

-Yeah.

Brian Johnson...

He doesn't know what to say!

'With a target to aim for,

'the Hand of the King set off.'

OK. Come on, Charlie.

'And whilst he was on the track, one of Hammond's guests arrived -

'actor Warwick Davis.'

-Hello.

-Hi, Jeremy.

-How are you?

-Good, thank you. How are you?

Very well.

Pedals.

It's my extension pedals. For the car.

-They go on the car.

-You don't have something like this?

-No, but I like the look of them.

You have only got two.

That's all you need, isn't it? Brake and accelerator.

For an automatic, yeah. It's manual.

Erm, we'll improvise.

Nearly nobbled a cameraman.

'Once Tywin had finished,

'and we had his time on the lap board...'

-140...

-Oh, heavens above!

-..eight...

-Oh!

-..point eight.

'Hammond and Warwick set off to make an extended clutch pedal.'

I was going to do that.

He's brought two pedals down.

-But it's a manual.

-Oh, problem!

-Yeah.

-Problem.

I need to set a good lap time and how can I

if this sort of disintegrates. "Is that his excuse?

"It wasn't a very good time because his clutch pedal..."

I'm not trying to give you excuses, I'm trying to give you

a chance.

Let me sit in there and push that. Let me push the Pringles.

-OK.

-Obviously, we need some sort of...

Oh, hell.

Yeah, I mean, I'm pretty low down here.

But OK, so, let's just see,

for argument's sake, if this is strong enough.

-OK. It is strong enough.

-Yeah.

But I'm having to sort of steady it with my foot.

You're doing very well.

'Eventually, after much experimenting...'

-More bread, yeah?

-That goes behind you.

I'm still too low.

'..Warwick set off on his timed laps.'

-I can't get in gear.

-BLEEP!

'Unfortunately, I couldn't be there to support him

'because I'd been distracted.'

-This is Richard.

-Hello, Richard.

-He fancies you.

Nice to meet you!

-I've got a badge for you here.

-What's that?

-That's your badge.

-Oh, good, just in case.

-Put that on.

-Right, good.

-I'll leave the two of you alone.

-OK.

-Just to get to know each other.

-I can entertain you with my small talk.

-OK.

His small talk's not very good.

-'Completely oblivious to Warwick's peril...'

-Oh, God!

Oh, bloody hell! Oh!

CAR SKIDS

'..Mr Smalltalk had completely forgotten not go on about himself.'

The important thing is not to panic, cos everyone thinks helicopters

-will just fall out the sky if the engine fails. They won't.

-Right.

I've had to land a couple of times for things.

-Without engines?

-Yup.

Lot of skill involved.

You have to be good. There's only so many people have helicopter licences.

Oh, God! Aagh!

Hell, bloody hell! Ooh!

'As Warwick went off yet again, Jimmy Carr arrived.'

-You all right?

-Very well, how are you?

Very nice to see you.

-It's got your name on it.

-Lovely. That, my friend, is teeth whitening.

-I don't know what you've had done.

-Oh!

-That's how that's done.

Hot on Jimmy's heels was world heavyweight champion David Haye,

who made a beeline for the boxing machine.

Ooh!

Oh, no!

-Ooh...

-What does it say?

-A new record, ladies and gentlemen, thank you very much.

-Well done!

'With Richard sulking at the attention David was

'getting from Joss, I had a go.'

Oh!

-Ooh!

-You styled it out, you styled it out.

You looked totally cool.

Yes!

'Having finally mastered Hammond's terrible DIY, Warwick had

'managed to bang in a lap time.'

You did it in 140...

-..six...

-Oh!

-..eight.

-Slap bang in the middle.

-Pleased with that?

You are faster than the Hand of the King.

SHE SINGS

'Whilst Joss was out on the track,

'a girl that Jeremy has a soft spot for arrived.'

Rachel Riley off Countdown.

Wasn't expecting that. Hello!

-Hello!

-I'm Jeremy.

-I'm Rachel.

-Good to meet you, how are you?

-Good, thank you.

-Can I get you anything?

-Hi, Rachel, I'm Richard.

Richard Hammond is extremely busy at the moment.

I'm going over here.

'When Rachel saw the barbecue, she claimed she was a vegetarian.

'So I decided to make her some fish.'

I just need to come in here.

You really are squeezing in.

-I know, I just need to come in. Do you like sushi?

-I love sushi.

Excellent, I'll just...

-Shall I, erm...?

-Yeah.

-Brilliant.

-Yeah.

-..go and...?

-Yeah.

-Are you a trained sushi chef?

-Yeah.

Oh, I've got soy sauce all over me.

-Yeah, you have.

-Thanks. Sorry, Richard. Sorry.

'Making the sushi required a lot of care.'

There we go.

'But the results were worth it.'

Yes.

It's like a bush tucker trial, this.

Do not brake on this corner! OK... Argh!

'With her laps completed, Hammond insisted that he should put Joss's

'time on the board.'

Ten years, we've done this show.

-Yup.

-How many times have you done that?

-Loads.

-Never.

-I often do this bit of the show.

Go on, then.

Joss, I've got your time written down over here.

For his sake, I hope it's not the fastest time

cos he ain't getting it up there, is he?

Oh, from you(!)

THEY LAUGH

-I love it!

-Nice(!)

Even from Warwick!

So, you want to beat the man from that thing.

-The Hand of the King.

-That's the fella.

-Right.

-How fast did he do it?

I'm getting to it!

How fast did Joss do it?

HE did it in 1.48 - it says on the bloody board!

-I can't read it from over there!

-1.48.8

-You did it in...

-Yeah.

..1.48...

-Oh!

-..point...

Oh, no! Oh, God!

Don't say "nine".

Nine!

Oh, no!

Oh, shit!

-Get out of that one, Hammond.

-Oh, no, that's so sad!

No, Joss, that was... Oh!

Come on, my son!

'As David Haye set about pummelling the Astra Tech Line...'

SKIDDING SOUNDS

'..Hammond's day got even worse.'

Look who it is.

Who's that?

Mike Rutherford, out of Genesis.

Hammond... Hammond?

Hammond?!

Hammond?! Mike!

-How are you?

-Very well. How are you?

-I'm very good.

-It's good to see you.

-Where's the team?

-Where's Richard?

-Richard?

Yeah. That's odd. He was here a minute ago.

'Because I have occasionally said

'some unkind things about Genesis on Top Gear,

'I decided to look for something on the floor

'and let Jeremy handle the chat stuff.'

-Are you recording at the moment?

-I'm doing some Mike & The Mechanics.

Oh, brilliant!

'Jeremy's chat was then interrupted

'because Dainty David had finished.'

You did 146.8. David Haye,

you did 146.7.

ALL: Oh!

Put it there.

A tenth of a second faster.

'With Mike Rutherford out in the car...'

Avoid the cameraman over there.

I'm doing it.

'..Hammond suddenly re-emerged.'

Where have you been?!

I had something to do.

If you're just hiding from him, he's one of the nicest people...

-Is he not one of the nicest men...?

-He is really sweet.

He's one of the top-three guys in Genesis.

I want to know if Mike can do a lap faster...

-Than one of his tracks.

-No!

-No!

-Sorry.

'As it turned out, Hammond wasn't far off.'

151...

-..point...

-Not that you're happy!

-Joss, that's not very ladylike.

-Chuffed! Thank you.

-..five.

Let's hope this is good.

If I can keep it on the road that will help.

'Because it had been several years

'since Jimmy had driven a reasonably priced car,

'we thought he might have mellowed.'

SKIDDING NOISES

I think I might have broken the car.

I'd like to present you, Jimmy Carr...

Grass on the front.

-..with these...

-Thank you very much.

You know the middle pedal?

-There's the clutch and the accelerator.

-Yes.

There's one in-between them.

I know, the footrest.

One day we've had that, Jimmy!

Do we have a jack?

Warwick, you can lift things, right?

I don't know what superpowers you people have,

but can you lift it?

THEY LAUGH

You just referred to me as a "jack".

'Before Jimmy got us taken off air,

'we rushed him over to the lap board.'

Where do you think you've come?

I imagine I've beaten him.

I know he does a lot of racing in his spare time.

It's his hobby, but I think natural ability...tough to beat.

145.1 to beat.

You did a one...

45.6.

That's very well done.

It's cost a car!

'With the car eventually mended, our final guest set off.'

Come on, reasonably priced car!

'And Hammond took one last shot at impressing Joss.'

-Ready?

-Yeah.

That's OK, it's fine.

I can do it faster.

-I can do this... Oh!

-This is brilliant.

I just wanted to check that was OK.

-You didn't last very long.

-I did this on a real sheep once.

'At this point, Joss decided to leave.

'Which meant Richard saw no point in staying, either.

'That left me all alone with Rachel.'

Ah!

TYRES SCREECH

Didn't break the car!

So where do you think you've come?

Definitely in this section. Definitely in this section.

You did it, actually,

in one...

-48...

-Ah!

..point five. So, actually, there you are,

-faster than the Hand of the King.

-Fastest woman!

Whoo! I need something to calm down, some kind of sedative.

'With our work done, we left the track in my helicopter.'

-To the pub?

-Pub?

-Oh, yeah.

APPLAUSE

And there it is, the reasonably priced car,

launched and ready for action!

Anyway, tonight we are having a race,

up the side of New Zealand from here to here.

Yep, it's James in a £700,000 boat versus me

in the fastest car in the world, a £65-a-day rented hatchback.

When we left the action, I was here,

and Jeremy was here.

So I was winning.

But I was very miserable.

All power, hire car!

Splash the caravan.

'On board HMS Misery, life wasn't getting any better.'

This is what I get to eat on the boat. A melted bar of chocolate...

-..and a bag of

-BLEEP

-nuts, and you'll have to beep that word.

'Life in the car, now I was on tarmac roads, was much more comfortable.'

Radio...

MUSIC: "Always Take The Weather With You" by Crowded House

Crowded House. Nice. Local band.

Now, let's just try another radio station.

MUSIC: "Always Take The Weather With You" by Crowded House

Radio Three.

MUSIC: "Always Take The Weather With You" by Crowded House

'After 60 miles of Crowded House,

'I was finally heading in the right direction.

'But I was approaching the often crowded city of Auckland.'

According to the tracking device, James is now 100 miles ahead of me.

Dear God, let Auckland be clear.

'Mercifully, it was.'

I'm doing 120 kilometres an hour on a very smooth road.

Coming to get you, James.

'Out at sea, conditions were getting even worse.'

Hold on, big fella! All right?

'With the rough seas slowing us down,

'I decided to use my sat phone to see where Jeremy was.'

RINGING TONE

-Oh! That's the end of that!

-What's wrong?

That tore it clean out of my hand. I just couldn't keep hold of it.

BLEEP!

Please! I'm on a mission from God!

Go, go, go!

Right, last chance with the radio.

'Auckland on 90.2.'

MUSIC: "Always Take The Weather With You" by Crowded House

'Despite the conditions, the sailors were pushing the boat to the ragged edge.'

BLEEP!

Oh, that's a biggie. Whoa!

Matty, you know this is bloody madness, mate.

It's not too good at the moment.

We've never sailed these things in these conditions before.

Now you tell me.

29 degrees, if we do go in, you have to hang on,

because you're going to be breaking bones.

So really, James, the best thing for you to do, mate, is hang on.

Thank you.

'In the little blue hatchback,

'the news from the GPS tracking device was encouraging.'

James May is now only 67 miles ahead. I'm catching him.

But am I catching him fast enough? That's the big question.

'I decided to take a shortcut,

'even though it would mean leaving the tarmac

'and using gravel roads instead.'

This is going to save me 20 miles.

Yeah!

'My plan was working well, but then the gravel ran out.'

There's no track! Oh!

BLEEP!

I wouldn't do this in my Mercedes, pretty certain of that.

Oh, dear! I've run into the white cliffs of Dover, literally.

'Still, could be worse.'

-Sir Ben Ainslie, sir?

-Yes.

Please don't take this personally,

but this is bloody purgatory!

Can you imagine... Ow!

'Meanwhile, I'd found a track.'

This must take me back to the road.

Oh, my God! Tractor!

Ugh!

-Sir Ben Ainslie, sir?

-Yes!

What happens if you need a slash on this boat?

I think there's a bucket somewhere.

Right. I might just piss myself.

What is the point of sailing?

'The track had indeed taken me back to the road,

'but the accident with the tractor meant

'I was no longer driving the fastest car in the world.'

CAR RATTLES

The noise is not good.

It's not going to make it.

It just is not going to make it.

'So there was only one thing for it.'

-Hi.

-Good afternoon.

-I've got a small problem with my car.

There was a maniacal tractor driver

who was doing 70 kilometres an hour, I swerved...

'In a jiffy, the helpful hire car lady had me back in the race.'

Now, in one important respect,

this car is not the same as the one I started out with.

But at the finish line,

I suspect James will be so exhausted, he won't notice...

..that I set off with a blue car and ended up with a red one.

'And anyway, right now, I had bigger issues, because I was 100 miles

'from the finish line and James was only 50 miles away.

'To win, then, I'd have to go twice as fast.

Nice, guv! Lovely work.

Stay vigilant, though, boys! Stay on it!

-Anything from Jeremy, where is he?

-No idea. No comms.

Come on! You've got the fastest car in the world - now use it.

23 knots.

OK! Three, two, one! Gybing!

Come on, James, give us a hand! It's not a bloody love boat.

Come on, Jeremy, concentrate, concentrate.

Make every corner as crisp as you can. Come on!

Just ticked over nine hours.

I'm so sick of this.

'What I really needed was a road with no corners.

'And thanks to this wonderful country,

'that's exactly what I found.'

Yee-ha!

This is called Ninety Mile Beach, because it is exactly...

55 miles long.

I don't understand that, either.

What I do know and I do understand

is that it is genuinely a public highway.

It's a road.

No traffic, no corners... James May - you have had it.

'In the boat, we were about to go round the very top of New Zealand.'

That is the cape there.

Once we've rounded that, we think we'll have wind

and a bit of tide with us, the water will be flat,

then we've got about ten miles of pleasant sailing,

like in Howards' Way.

It can't come soon enough.

Gah!

Jesus.

Bit wobbly there.

Boys, just stay vigilant for this last six or seven miles.

Not far to go.

'I was now off Ninety Mile Beach.'

Back on gravel. I wasn't expecting that.

Come on, small red hatchback, whatever you are.

I'm doing this now to uphold the honour of coal, gas and oil,

the cornerstones of civilisation.

-Is that our beach there?

-Yeah.

'The finish line was a chequered flag at the water's edge,

'but to make my day even more miserable,

'Sir Ben announced that the boat couldn't actually get there.'

-You're going to have to jump off and swim ashore.

-What? You're joking!

There's now only five miles to go.

OK, James.

Don't lose it now. Do NOT lose it now!

Go for it, James! Swim!

Come on!

CAR CLATTERS AND ENGINE REVS

No! No!

Come on! Please!

Have I won? Have I won? Have I won?

Oh, man in heaven! Oh, God!

THEY CHEER

Holy cow, have you seen your face?

I was just about to conclude and say, we must now close down

all coal and gas-powered power stations

and switch immediately to wind power,

because obviously it's better. But look what it does to you!

It's brought me out in boils and sores and blindness.

Did you have to use any of your insurance waiver forms?

No, none at all. The car got here without a single scratch.

-It was blue when you set off.

-It wasn't.

-Wasn't it? It was blue!

-I would have sworn it was blue.

-It was red...

APPLAUSE

Well done, James May.

-Can I just say, that boat, the boat...

-Oh, God, he's moaning again!

But listen, it's £700,000, OK? You don't get a cabin.

You don't even get a chair or a table or a radio or even a floor.

-Yes, but James, you won.

-I didn't win, Hammond, the crew won.

All I did was not fall off for 12 hours.

Well, anyway, the conclusion is that wind power is obviously great,

but it does give you a face like a prostitute's front door.

LAUGHTER

And on that bombshell, it is time to end.

Thank you so much for watching. See you next week. Good night.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE