Episode 3 Top Gear

Tonight, Richard tests a van,

I drive an old, brown Porsche,

and James uses a telephone.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Hello, everybody. Hello and welcome.

Thank you so much, thank you, everybody, thank you.

Now... Now...

Ambulance response times have been in the news just recently.

It seems that many ambulances aren't getting to

critically ill patients as fast as they should be.

And nobody seems to know why...

except us.

You see, the National Health Service believes that this

is a fast-response vehicle,

but it isn't even on nodding terms with the concept of fast.

It started out in life as a van with a diesel engine,

and then they added more weight.

And that gave us an idea.

SIREN WAILS

Here's a traditional ambulance.

It's big and it's bulky

and it's stuck in rush-hour traffic.

Plus, it's being driven by a chap who knows how to drain a lung,

but he doesn't know how to trail brake

or execute a racing gear change.

Our ambulance, however, is really different.

SIREN WAILS

Yes, it's the Stig in an emergency version of Top Gear's P45,

the smallest road-legal car ever made.

That means it can fit through the tiniest gaps.

And make its own lane in the jams.

And when it gets to the scene of an emergency,

it can drive right up to the building and then go inside.

All of this saves time, and saving time saves lives.

Of course, you're probably wondering how on earth the patient can

now be transported to hospital in an ambulance as small as this.

Well, that is where our genius really comes into play because,

well, here comes the Stig now with a patient who has been

literally bored into a coma by one of the meetings they have in here.

Yes, and as you can see, he simply has to clip the stretcher

on to the back of the P45 and he's ready to go.

-Yeah.

-Sometimes I think our genius is tangible.

-It's like...it's like it has a mass.

-Yeah, it's like another presence.

It's still there when we've gone.

Yeah. I mean, we've solved many things over the years,

but I think that is our finest hour, it really is.

Yeah, I think it's up there with the best we've ever done.

-Oh!

-Jeez!

-Oh.

-Oh. I think we need to call for an ambulance.

-That's a good idea.

-OK, I'll do it.

-Do you know what the number is?

-Nine...

-Is it nine?

-Oh, hello.

-Excuse me.

-Oh...

Gentlemen.

"You idiots."

-Hmm. Fair point, this time.

-Yeah.

-"You've killed a man."

-He wasn't going to make it anyway.

-No, I don't think he was.

-He looked very peaky.

-He did.

"It's all very well building a faster ambulance,

"but it's no good if you have to tow the patient to hospital.

"Now go back to the drawing board and, for once, do it properly."

-Right.

-Mm-hm, OK.

So we've got to build something

that's faster than a normal ambulance.

Yeah, but it's got to have room for the patient.

-Inside it.

-Inside it. Yeah.

That's...that's where we went wrong there.

Naturally, we couldn't agree on what vehicle

we should use as a start point,

so each of us went our own way.

BRAKES SQUEAL

Here is what I have chosen.

Yeah, it is a van, but it's a Chevy G20.

Under there, 5.7-litre small block Chevy V8.

What I've got is a V8 ambulance, but there's more.

That thing, £150,000.

This? About £5,000.

I am saving the NHS a lot of money

that they can spend better on bandages and those...

paper bottles that you wee in?

At this point, the orang-utan arrived.

Hello.

What?

BRAKES SQUEAL

-Well...

-Porsche 944 Turbo.

Yes, I know. It's not very ambulance-y, is it?

What's wrong with it?

This was actually designed as an ambulance by Porsche.

-Was it?

-It was.

-In what way is it an ambulance?

-Make that work for me.

-Right, OK, fine.

Full James May spec - brown, brown interior, brown carpet,

brown dashboard -

so that if there's a trouser accident with the patient

you don't see it,

and the whole point is, we were told to get a fast ambulance,

were we not? It's a 944 Turbo.

Top speed 152mph.

-And this is yours?

-Oh, yeah.

-Top speed?

-It's so big that they won't even tell you.

-They don't even know what the top speed is.

-Is it?

-There is no top speed.

-Is it? Is it?

-Yeah. Look at that.

-Ohh...

-Yep, I know. It's brilliant, isn't it?

Electric seats.

Why is every single car you ever buy for one of these challenges

filled with ruched Dralon?

I don't know, just something that happens. I don't know..

Now, I'm sorry, Hammond, mine is better than yours.

Look at the size of this boot!

'To demonstrate its enormity, I made Hammond climb into it.'

-It's not brilliant.

-Tell me I've done this wrong.

-Yeah.

-Tell me I've done this wrong.

-Um, one thing.

-What?

-It is quite incredibly hot in here.

-Is it?

I'm in a greenhouse. I'm quite quickly beginning to cook.

'As Hammond simmered to death...'

Oh, look!

'..an undertaker arrived.'

-Um...

-Oh, sorry.

-Gentlemen.

-Oh, God!

HE WHEEZES

Behold, the Ford Scorpio Cardinal.

So, what's really interesting about this car

is what's going on under here.

This has a 2.9-litre, quad cam, 24-valve V6

developed by Cosworth

and giving 207 horsepower.

-And...and it has traction control.

-Yes...

And...it has a sport button.

All very interesting, James. You did very good indeed.

-But there's a bit of an elephant in the room.

-Yes, I knew you

were going to say that. It's not Ford's finest styling, I know,

but that hardly matters if you've just fallen off a ladder!

That's not the elephant we're talking about.

-The elephant's a little further back.

-It's a hearse!

-It is a hearse, James.

-It's what you put dead people in!

Well, look at it this way.

If you lose the patient, which does happen, you've still got a job.

But look at the plus sides - it's very fast, it's very smooth...

-Is it?

-Yes, it is. It's very refined. It's the right shape

for patients already.

This is a type of car that has actually been misused for years.

Tell you what it would make - brilliant camper van.

Yeah, yeah, good ice cream van as well.

Or burger van, anything like that, anything van-like.

Yes, yes, but not an ambulance.

'My protests were then halted by the arrival of a challenge.'

-Ah.

-Go on, then.

"You will now do a drag race

"with your ambulances against the NHS equivalent."

Must be that. "Many points will be awarded to the winner."

-Well...

-Well, I'm the winner.

-Well...

-Well, I...

No, you parked next to... That's a Chevy engine,

that's a Corvette engine in there, basically, as I have said.

-Shall we just do it and see?

-Yes.

-That's the sort of point.

'Moments later, we took our places on the start line.'

Sport, traction control off,

remain dignified, drive, I'm ready.

Prepare to be surprised.

ENGINE REVS

When this car was new, it produced 217 horsepower, but today I'm not

so sure because when I opened the turbo yesterday,

I found this in it.

Bits of what could be gravel

or broken ceramic. I don't know.

I just know it has no place in a piece of hi-tech equipment.

ENGINE REVS

That's all it's got. I'll just leave it open.

ENGINES REV

Weirdest ambulance race in history is about to begin.

Three, two, one!

AMBULANCE SIREN BLARES

Oh, I'm going to win! I'm getting ahead.

My mirror's dropping out.

Eat my dust, Chevrolet!

Oh, my God, no!

The hearse is mighty.

Look at it go! 100!

But it seems, yes...

Oh, no!

..the Porsche is mightier than the hearse.

And across the line at 120mph!

The A-Team had one of these!

Hammond, my commiserations on your unfortunate loss.

Thank you.

'The fact is, though,

'that all our vehicles were faster than the National Health Service,

'and having proved that,

'we were told to go off and make them a bit more ambulance-y.'

Thank you very much.

Thank you very much.

Now, we're going to pick that up... We'll pick that up later on,

but just before we move on and do the news, can I just say,

if you're standing in a field with a severed arm,

you don't want the NHS to arrive in a diesel van.

You don't want someone coming in a hearse.

It's a Cosworth hearse.

I don't care if it's a Bugatti hearse, it's still a hearse.

And what it says to the patient is, "You're not going to make it."

It does, James. It does.

But the point I'm trying to make is this, OK, not only are you

bothered about what car they come in, but also the driver.

You don't want to be rescued by Josh out of Casualty.

You want Lewis Hamilton.

-Now, that is a good point, actually.

-Yes, it is.

It is because, if you think about it, racing drivers are like actors.

At any given moment, 97% of them are out of work.

So why doesn't the NHS take them on?

They could be doing something useful.

And what's Nigel Mansell doing these days?

Cos he'd be a brilliant ambulance driver,

-wouldn't he?

-He would.

-With his comforting Brummie accent

and his reassuring moustache in the front of the ambulance.

-I'd love to know he was there.

-Anyway, we must now do the news.

And, uh, oh, yes,

we've had a number of complaints about last week's show.

People said it was cruel to blow up a cow.

Well, I want to make it absolutely plain right now -

no cow was hurt in the making of that film.

-Its death was instantaneous.

-Yeah.

-Wouldn't have felt a thing.

-Immediate, it wouldn't have known.

-Right, next.

-Yes, I have news, very exciting news. It is a new Ferrari.

-There is a picture of it here. That...

-Holy Moley!

-Wow.

-Yes indeed.

That is the 488 GTB.

It has a 3.9-litre turbo-charged V8,

661 horsepower, 0-60 in three seconds. Look at it.

Correct me if I'm wrong, this is the replacement, isn't it, for the 458?

-Yes, it is.

-I'm just thinking, if you had a 458,

you'd be feeling suicidal now,

-wouldn't you?

-Yeah, you would. Yeah.

-That's prettier,

faster, it's turbo-charged, it does 25 miles to the gallon.

50% more down-force than the 458.

-Yeah.

-Yeah, yeah.

-James?

-Yes, Richard?

-Haven't you got a 458?

-Oh, I completely forgot.

-Yes, I have.

It's worthless now,

literally worthless, now they've done that.

You might just want to give it away to a member of the audience here.

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

-It's worthless.

-I think we should maybe put it...

Let's open it to all the viewers.

If you'd like James's Ferrari write to us at James May,

I'll Take That Ferrari Off Your Hands If I Must,

BBC, London...wherever we are.

-You know, people are actually going to write in now.

-Yes.

And we're actually going to give it away.

Yeah, we are. We're committed now.

That is a thing of extraordinary beauty.

But I have to say this - McLaren quick to respond,

they also have announced a new car.

Can't remember what it's called, it doesn't matter.

They sent us a picture of it. Here it is.

LAUGHTER

I'm not actually joking. They genuinely sent that going,

-"We've got a new car."

-It's not actually a car, is it?

-Not really, no.

-It's not finished.

I think I prefer the Ferrari.

Oh, now! There's a new special edition of the Range Rover Evoque,

-it's called the NW8.

-NW8?

-Yes. There it is.

They've named it after a London postcode?

Yeah, next up probably will be the E17.

A car that runs over its own driver.

LAUGHTER

What's the matter now? I don't get that.

-East 17...

-It's a postcode. Why would a postcode...?

-How could a postcode...?

-East 17 is a band, Brian Harvey?

-Is he a driver?

-No, Hammond, look...

LAUGHTER

Hammond... Basically, the only band he knows is the Wurzels.

That's the problem. Now, I want to talk about stopping distances,

we touched on this when we were in Australia last week.

You see, the Government says we have to be limited to 70mph

on the motorway because the stopping distance from 70 is 315 feet,

which they say that's an acceptable stopping distance

so therefore you can't go any faster than 70.

Exactly. But we know that it isn't 315, don't we,

because we demonstrated this in Australia last week.

Well, from 60, yes. But we made the point.

So what we were wondering is, how fast do you actually

have to be going before you need 315 feet to stop?

Mmm. So we actually decided, this morning in fact,

to do an experiment.

We've got footage of it here.

It's the Stig driving along in a diesel-powered Vauxhall Insignia.

And he's building up speed to brake point now, full braking

and that's the Stig doing it.

And there we are, 315 feet exactly.

Anyone want to guess how fast he was going

when he pressed the brake pedal?

-AUDIENCE SHOUTS OUT

-100mph?

130 in a Vauxhall Insignia diesel?

No. Try to be realistic.

110? Actually he was doing 112mph.

So if the Government says that the speed limit is

determined by stopping distance,

then we should be allowed to drive at 112mph.

-Perfectly logical.

-You can't argue with it.

APPLAUSE

It's logic.

Right, OK. Now it's time to get back to our ambulance film.

So far, we've established that my car, his van

and his hearse are faster than the NHS equivalent,

and now we pick up the action after we've converted them

into actual ambulances.

HOLBY CITY THEME TUNE

We reconvened once more at our track,

and James was the first to arrive.

Hello, viewers, and as you would expect, I have done it properly.

This is no longer a hearse,

it is the future of club class recovery transport.

I've based it all on business jet travel.

It goes fast and makes you feel better.

Choice of pillows, television to show your journey.

A lovely view to the top. A lovely view out of the windows.

What could be wrong with it? It is the perfect ambulance.

I don't know why nobody's thought of it before, to be brutally honest.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-James May!

-Oh, crikey.

Prepare to be blown away by the turbulence of my magnificence!

Behold, look what I have done!

I'm prepared to bask in the fetid belch of his incompetence,

but, anyway, let's see. Hello.

JEREMY CLEARS HIS THROAT

The challenge, as you know, was to build a fast ambulance.

-I've added 300 horsepower...

-Have you?

-..with the paint job.

-Right.

-You'll notice...

-hydraulic handbrake.

-Hydraulic handbrake?

-Hydraulic handbrake.

-You often hear ambulance drivers saying,

"If only I'd had a hydraulic handbrake."

You've never heard them say that cos they've never thought of it.

-OK.

-Telephone number.

Yes, telephone number. That works everywhere, doesn't it?

-That's good, I can see the performance.

-Yes. Yes.

-That?

-This?

-Yeah.

-This?

-Yeah.

This is genius. No other word for it.

'But before I could explain, Hammond arrived.'

CASUALTY THEME TUNE

Oh, my God.

Oh, yeah.

Ambulance.

It doesn't say...

No, what it says is "lo-cost nuclear waste disposal", not "ambulance".

No, what it says is, "Get out of the way!"

Because you would. You see that, you're not going to just sit there

dithering, "Oh, I might, I might not." You're going to run.

-What's this?

-Well, if you're stuck in traffic, for instance,

and you saw this, and green gas started coming out,

-you wouldn't be stuck in traffic any more.

-So, you're scaring people

out of the way of your high-performance ambulance?

-Yes!

-Ah, but it isn't high-performance.

-No.

-That's what I'm about to say.

-Uh, uh, uh!

-Is it any faster?

Yes, I have addressed the issue of speed very cleverly.

What I've fitted...

If you look over there - nitrous!

Because it has two purposes.

It's what they use as laughing gas in hospitals, isn't it?

-Yes.

-So, if the patient needs to be made to feel a bit better,

I switch that to "patient".

If I want to go a bit faster, I switch that to "engine"

and it diverts the nitrous into the engine, another several hundred BHP.

-Of course!

-Yes!

-Nitrous is the same thing that drag racers use

-to go faster and that they use...

-Yeah, yeah.

'James then demonstrated the motorised loading bay

'he'd fitted to his hearse-bulance.'

SLOW WHIRRING

-Oh, the speed, the speed!

-I'm bleed....

-It's my femoral artery! I'm bleeding out.

-We're bleeding to death!

It's slowing now, it's not bleeding as quickly.

JEREMY GRUNTS It's barely dribbling out now!

It's a good job you've got a Cosworth engine, James,

-because you've got a lot of time to make up.

-Can we have a look inside?

-Of course you can.

-Oh, look it...

-RAMP THUDS

RICHARD SIGHS

-You've broken it.

-It won't take the weight of a tiny, tiny man.

'I then demonstrated my much faster patient-loading solution.'

-JEREMY HUMS TO HIMSELF Oh, I say!

-Wheels deployed.

Wheels deployed there, wheels deploy there.

Ouch! Annoyingly, that's actually quite clever.

-This is a split folding... It's like a Range Rover Porsche.

-Exactly!

Don't sit it on it, you've already broken one tailgate today.

'And my brilliant engineering didn't stop there.'

I'm driving down a narrow street,

parked cars are on either side, I can't get through.

CLICKS FINGERS

-Clear!

-What?!

-What?

-It's a ram-bulance!

-RICHARD LAUGHS

-Oh, I see, I thought it was a snowplough.

-My God, this is...

-Sheet steel, ten mil.

-OK.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

-Heavy?

-Very.

-Hmm.

-That's why it folds back.

-Oh, what, cos it's lighter when it's folded back?

-No, no, no, no, b...

-Do you know nothing about weight distribution?

-50-50 distribution.

-It's still weight!

-It's 50-50...

'As we discussed my handiwork, a challenge arrived.'

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

"The Stig will now drive each of your cars around the track,

"which, to make it more real, has been fitted with three speed humps.

"You will be in the back with a patient

"and, in the course of one lap, you will put his intestines back in,

"insert a drip, and fit a catheter.

"Points will be awarded for speed

"and how much of the medical work you complete successfully."

What? Is a catheter a thing that goes up your old chap?

-Yes!

-Up it?

-Yes.

-Not on it?

-No.

JEREMY LAUGHS

'Hammond elected to go first and, once his patient had been loaded,

'a rather bemused Stig took his place at the wheel.'

-Oh, he's not in a good way at all.

-He?!

-It's a girl.

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, no, or is it, though?

It's a girl from where I am. Just have a look under there.

-Is that just a bit of...?

-Agh!

-There's a thing!

-It's a ladyboy!

Anyway, it's a medical emergency.

Get out of the way, I've got to get on with this.

ENGINE REVS

In three, two, one...

Go!

Oh-ho! Oh, that's... Yeah, ugh! The wheels were a mistake!

I'm really sorry, mate, just try and put your guts back in the...

Oh...er... Agh!

TYRES SCREECH

Airway - that's a priority! That goes in here.

Agh! Now he's being sick on me!

I'm covered in... Agh!

Stop vomiting, you idiot!

Agh! Oh!

This is the willy bit. You probably can't see this on television.

This has to go in the end.

Ah! Now I'm covered in wee!

Agh, agh, ah!

Oof! CRASH!

Speed...

Ah! Agh!

-That would be deeply uncomfortable for Hammond.

-I would've thought so.

ENGINE REVS, TYRES SCREECH

How do I get the blood out of the bag?

-I'm tempted to move back.

-Do you know? I agree.

-Yeah.

-Cos it is Das Stig!

Agh!

Stig!

-TYRES SCREECH

-Whoa!

There he is.

Across the line!

'The two minutes 17 lap had taken its toll

'on both the Chevy's brakes and Dr Hammond.'

Holy Moley! Look at the state of him. What's that?

-Being an ambulance man is a tough job.

-What is that?!

-It's...it's wee.

-Is it yours?

-No.

'Next, it was the turn of Dr Slow's hearse-bulance.'

Three, two, one, go!

SLOW WHIRRING

-Should I start the stopwatch now?

-Well, I mean, this is part of the...

Well, it's taking time.

HIGH-PITCHED WHINING

-Is his seat fastened down?

-Yeah.

What he's done is take a length of one of those stairlifts.

CRASH!

THEY LAUGH

I think you may have overdone it slightly

on closing the tailgate, Stig.

You get in and we'll fasten you in.

Your lap time is going to be shocking, frankly.

-You haven't started the stopwatch?

-Yeah.

-Course we have!

-I haven't set off yet!

-You DID set off!

-Well, it's your call, isn't it?

Hurry up!

Go!

-He's gone!

-He's gone now.

-Nine minutes 30 to get to there.

-9.30!

-That's not brilliant.

Can you hear me, man, woman? No? Right, breathing? Possibly not.

Putting...

'The hearse-bulance coped brilliantly with the corners.'

That's his guts back in.

'But less well on the speed humps.'

CRUNCHING

SCRAPING

Ow!

Keep going!

He's going to make it!

TYRES SCREECH Here he comes.

-Hammond, run for your life!

-I'm going to die! Killed by an ambulance!

Across the line!

'James wasn't best pleased with his lap time.'

-12 minutes and 28 seconds!

-Oh, get lost!

-It was!

-It was.

It's the slowest lap in Top Gear's history.

'Finally, it was the turn of the Porsche.

'And immediately, there was a problem.'

Ah!

-Good.

-He's kicked the patient.

-Um...

-RICHARD CACKLES

Shut up!

'Eventually, though, the ape was in position.'

Begin!

Is he focusing on getting the drip in?

Or is he focusing on...?

# Trust in me, trust in me... #

-TYRES SCREECH

-Oh...!

Holy mother of God!

Ow! It hurts so much!

You maniac!

TYRES SCREECH

Ow! Stupid man!

Oh, God, what happens when I go over a speed bump?!

I don't like this!

HE GROANS

-TYRES SCREECH

-Ooh...!

Here he comes.

-I'm in a scene from Carrie!

-TYRES SCREECH

I want Josh back from Casualty!

God!

And across the line!

Oh?!

Oh, dear!

'And then, to complete my humiliation...'

2...24.

-Rubbish! What, I was slower than the...?

-Yeah!

-You were 2.12 or something, weren't you?

-Yep.

-Did he slow down at all for the speed humps?

-Nope.

That's why we got air.

-Right, that's my drawback.

-Well, you can't... I mean, it's a Porsche!

You can't hit the sp... It hasn't got the clearance!

-He ripped his bumper off.

-Speed bumps! 600,000 people a year

are killed in the back of ambulances by speed humps.

-What you're doing is making that up.

-Yes, but making a point as well.

-I'm making it up to make a point.

-If it's one or more, it's an issue.

-Agreed!

-Go over it too fast, patient dies.

-Yeah?

Slow down to make it comfortable,

patient dies cos they don't reach the hospital in time.

Until this Government gets rid of every single speed hump,

we're all going to die.

'For our next test, we had to see which of our cars

'had the fastest patient off-loading system.'

As I approach the A & E department, I open the boot using electricity.

I then apply the handbrake, hydraulic, the car swings round,

centrifugal force causes the patient to leave the car, the ambulance,

on his stretcher, the wheels deploy, and he rolls into the hospital.

I am then pointing in the right direction

to go back out and get another patient.

Somewhere, there's a world in which that will work.

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-Ram-bulance 1 coming in hot. Delivery system engaged!

Behold my genius.

-Not an enormous success.

-No, I could see where the thinking was going...

-Yeah.

-..but the legs didn't deploy and the patient's dead.

-Goal-line technology, that is in.

-I'm going to give it a no,

-on the basis that he isn't IN the hospital.

-He is!

-He's not!

-He is!

-The hos...

-Even his foot's not in, he's not in.

Nobody will look at it and say, "Ooh, that poor man's in hospital."

They'll say, "That poor man's been dumped OUTSIDE a hospital."

'It was then my turn.'

Swing it round.

SATISFIED SIGH

What is he doing?!

Similar sort of system, only I'm using a cannon.

And, er, ready? Good, fire!

Pretty quick, I think you'll agree.

-What?

-What the hell was that?!

-I'm not entirely certain

-you've delivered the patient to the hospital.

-Well, I have!

Or that the patient is still... What's the word I'm looking for?

-..Alive!

-That's the one.

-Ooh! Oh, dear!

It was an air cannon.

Oh, and the door didn't open properly.

'Given how low the bar had been set...'

I think it was a good idea.

'..I was confident that I'd win this.'

SLOW REVVING

-James, what exactly are we looking at?

-This is a robot lawn mower.

-Is it?

-I've laid out pieces of string.

It knows where those are, so it mows only inside this big rectangle.

So then I thought, you know the really big farm lawn mowers?

-You mean combines?

-Yeah, whatever, those work off satnav.

The satnav knows where it is, and that's the technology I've used.

'We watched eagerly as James lined up to demonstrate his invention.'

-SLOW WHIRRING

-Oh, God!

WHIRRING CONTINUES

WHIRRING STARTS AND STOPS

Right.

Now all I do is, using my special programmer, I have the coordinates

for the operating theatre at this hospital already entered.

MACHINE BEEPS AND BUZZES

Now watch.

-Stand clear.

-What? So you uploaded

the schematics to your PDA of the hospital, like Jack Bauer?

-BEEPING

-What does that mean?

Arrived at the operating theatre.

-Does it?

-Yes.

-In some ways, I'm very impressed with what he's done.

-Yeah.

-But in one colossal way...

-WHEELS RATTLE

..I'm not sure that it's worked at all.

I know what that way is, and I think you're right.

It is a disadvantage of the system. It's a problem.

James, would you like to know what the massive...

-What?

-If you insist there's something wrong with it...

Yeah. Maybe your patient changed his mind(!)

CHEERING

Thank you so much, everybody. Now, we'll pick that up...

We'll pick that up later on.

Uh, but now, it is time to put a Star in our Reasonably Priced Car.

My guest tonight is a Formula One driver who is always smiling.

But he says that, behind the cuddly exterior,

he's actually a bit of a honey badger.

-LAUGHTER

-A ferocious animal

that fights its opponents by going for their...

crotch areas.

-LAUGHTER

-Er...so, ladies and gentlemen,

please put your hands over your genitals for Daniel Ricciardo!

CHEERING

Hey!

WHISTLING

-G'day.

-How are you?

-I'm all right.

Yes!

People love it when an F1 driver comes.

HE SIGHS

It was weird, we were in Australia last week in the Northern Territory,

saw no Australians at all, and now there's one here!

-Yeah, I know.

-But then, you're ALL over here, actually,

if we're honest, aren't you?

-LAUGHTER

-Well, not by choice.

LAUGHTER AND GASPS, SOME BOOING

I can feel the warmth you're generating now(!)

No, um, what I wanted to do is,

obviously, when you started at Red Bull last year, did you think,

and I know a lot of people did,

that you'd be the cheerful Aussie playing second fiddle

to the four-times world champion Sebastian Vettel?

-No.

-You didn't?

-LAUGHTER

So you actually thought, from the get-go, "I'm going to have him"?

I believed I'd have him. But, er...yeah.

Until I got on track, and had everything like for like,

I wasn't obviously sure how it would go, but coming into it,

I didn't expect to be, you know, the guy following him every weekend.

You know, I obviously came in with some self belief

and then I think that sort of showed and then confidence grew after that.

There were 19 races last year and you beat him in how many?

-I don't know, er...

-I do.

How many was it?

-14 of them.

-14?

-Don't pretend you didn't know!

No, I-I didn't really, actually.

I knew it was more, like I knew I had more than him.

You out-qualified him in...

-You going to pretend you don't know that as well?

-Wait, this one's...

12-7?

-11-8!

-11-8.

-But you really...you're not keeping that in your head?

I would be! I'd ring him up every morning and go, "11-8!"

He changed his number!

Has he?

I think one of the reasons we were all surprised, I think,

when you first started and were immediately brilliant

in the Red Bull, is that you just don't look particularly ruthless.

I mean, you're always smiling.

The photographs we've been... I've looked through to see

if I could find one of you not smiling, ever.

Have a look at this, OK, because this is winning in Canada.

-That's a huge beam, yes?

-Yeah.

And this is after you've been disqualified in Australia.

And then we've got another photograph of you having some

-kind of blood test with a horrible injection.

-Oh, yeah!

-Here we are.

Still!

You know what, it looks like a smile, but that's pain right there.

-Is it?

-That's... Yeah!

-So you smile when you're in agony?

Maybe if we see the lap later, there might be some, er, er...

some different emotions, cos it was an open-face helmet in the Suzuki...

We'll see if we can catch a moment when you're not smiling.

-Yeah.

-But that is later on. Now, obviously, testing is happening.

-Now, in fact...

-Yeah.

-..as we speak.

-Yeah.

-In fact, how come you're not there?

-Top Gear's way more important.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-Oh, we're honoured!

-I hate testing. I can't stand it.

-Really?

-Uh, no, I wouldn't say I hate it, but...

-Oh, no, you see.

The PR machine's come off the rails now!

How's it going? Cos we've got some Formula One fans here, inevitably,

and they'll want to know. How's it going?

-Are you going to be as fast as the Mercs?

-Um, it's still very early.

I mean, we are still finding our way.

But, er, we've still got eight more days in Barcelona after this.

-So, come Melbourne, we'll be right.

-Is anybody else... It's only fair.

There's a lot of Formula One fans. Anyone got any questions they'd like

to ask Daniel while he's here and we're talking about Formula One?

MAN: What does the back of Lewis's car look like?

LAUGHTER

-Can you see that?

-LAUGHTER

LAUGHTER

Anyone else got another question?

MAN: Who's better, you or Webber?

-DANIEL LAUGHS

-Oh...

I don't know.

Actually, let's... We'll find out.

-I believe he's...1.43.1, so..

-He is on the board. Cos this is

the only time ever when Formula One drivers get to actually drive

-the same machine.

-Same equipment, different day, one could argue.

-The pressure is on, if I'm honest...

-I know.

-..today, particularly...

-My heart rate's going up.

Yeah, well, I mean, so's mine, because I actually said,

early last year, I actually sent a tweet out

saying I thought you were the best driver on the F1 grid.

Knuckles. Thanks.

It's my way of saying thank you.

Oh, I see, it's thank you. I thought you'd hit me. Um...

And people who know what they're talking about as well said it.

Alonso said... What did he call you? He said you were "unbelievable".

You know, so we have had this sort of, "How good is Daniel?"

And this is your opportunity to come

and actually show everybody, in the same car they've all driven.

And the weather today was...

-It was good.

-Yeah!

-Like, that's a thing - I don't have excuses!

-LAUGHTER

-No, it was cold and bright

and about as perfect as it could be for a car.

So who would like to see what is, let's be honest,

an extremely important lap?

ALL: Yes!

Play the tape, let's have a look.

Come on, let's do this!

Obviously, you're back in the old car, the Suzuki Liana.

Nice to see it back.

Race face on! Grr!

-STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-That is! It's like a honey badger!

I'm guessing, will you go...? No, weirdly, you're not on the wide line

-taken by most of the Formula One drivers.

-Taking it tight.

-TYRES SCREECH

-Taking it tight.

-You are.

Just saving distance.

Not there, you're not.

Chicks'll go crazy for this!

AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-OK, this is it.

-Bit of under-steer.

-Little bit, but managed nicely.

-Kept it tight!

-Come on! Let's go!

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

-Whoa! All sorts of hand gestures.

-Getting racy!

-Hammerhead.

-Keeping it in the lines, ooh...

-Oh!

-Yeah, now get it all lined up ready for a smooth, quick...

Why am I telling you what you're doing? You know what you're doing!

Come on!

-Grr.

-AUDIENCE LAUGHS

Are you suggesting this isn't fast enough?

-Look at it! Using the red and whites.

-This line's good.

This is...this is racy.

-Oh, that's keeping it comfy!

-Yeah.

-Keeping it comfy.

-Ooh, look at that, lift-off over-steer!

-Yeah!

Something our other guests should use. Lift-off over-steering there.

-Ooh, that was...

-Then just fling it in and there we are across the line!

Ah! Ha-ha, ha-ha!

-I'm actually nervous.

-Go on, then, where do you think you've come?

These are effectively drive times, Jenson, 144. 144, 144, 144, so

we're up to Lewis, then came along, on his second attempt, and did...

let's be honest, a fairly unbeatable 142.9.

-Whoa.

-Cos that's... What is he? Quicker...

-Mark's second, so he's 0.2 seconds off.

-The anticipation's killing me.

And then, we're right down to Seb at 144.

LAUGHTER

Should I just go lower or...?

I don't know, I... The gap between Webber and Vettel scares me.

Like that's a big gap, so I'm wondering

-if they had good track conditions.

-That's 0.9 of a second.

-Did I have that?

-A load of space to get you and your smile in there.

LAUGHTER

Just do it slowly!

Lewis, 142.9...

Do it slow, like one number by one number.

OK, I don't want... If I lost, I want to lose slowly.

LAUGHTER

Start with a one at least.

-One...

-Come on!

..50...

Oh, no, come on.

I'm just teasing you.

APPLAUSE

Sorry, I'm letting you down gently, is what I'm doing.

-One...

-Ugh, do it slow, do it slow.

-..40...

-Ugh... Please say two.

-Come on.

-..two.

-Yeah!

AUDIENCE: Ooh!

My hair's standing on end, cos it's another two.

I mean, seriously, a 142.2.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Staggering, absolutely staggering.

How'd you do that? How did you do that?

CHEERING INTENSIFIES

DANIEL GIGGLES

That's the fastest anybody's ever gone round our track.

-HE EXHALES

-I feel better.

In any of our reasonably priced cars.

It'll be fun next year

when you get back on the circuit with that time.

That is genuinely remarkable.

I'm staggered because I... Lewis has hung himself.

Oh, and by the way, matey boy, you want to...?

LAUGHTER

In the same car, it turns out that

the Aussie has just beaten the Brit, it's the Ashes all over again.

This is how I felt after Canada. I didn't know what to say.

So we've actually made a man happier than winning a grand prix.

Ladies and gentlemen, he's done it! Daniel Ricciardo!

Just... I'm really, that's... I never thought...

You know that wasn't a fluke, don't you?

You know he did three laps exactly the same time? Three times.

-That's why he's...you know.

-Yeah, yeah.

Now, tonight, we have made three ambulances, and to be honest,

there have been a few niggles and minor teething troubles.

Yeah. For example, not one of them

has yet delivered a patient to a hospital alive.

-LAUGHTER

-No. Nevertheless,

the producer said we had to go off

and build a Thunderbirds-style International Rescue facility

where we would be on hand with our ambulances 24 hours a day,

ready to respond at a moment's notice.

This is it.

And inside the command module,

we were waiting for our first emergency.

-GAME BUZZES

-Have you heard about this

Jewish volunteer ambulance service called Hatzolah?

No. JAMES LAUGHS

No, honestly, I'm not joking, it's unbelievable. The NHS response time

in Britain for a life-threatening situation is eight minutes.

They get there in New York - in New York, which is busy -

in four minutes.

-That's from the call?

-That's from the call.

Four minutes later, they're there.

There's 1,000 of them in New York, OK, and they're normal people,

they're builders, teachers, whatever - they're trained.

And they keep with them in their cars, at all times,

defibrillators, medicine - all the things you need.

It's a brilliant idea. And we should be aiming for

these response times.

-It takes me two minutes to shut the back door!

-He has a point.

ALARM BLARES

Ooh, gentlemen, incoming message.

What a remarkable printer.

"A meteorite has landed on the town of Theale.

"There are many casualties.

"Points will be awarded for whichever one of you

"gets one of those casualties to the hospital in the quickest time."

This is it. International Rescue has been summoned, Thunderbirds are go!

THUNDERBIRDS THEME TUNE

ENGINE ROARS

I'm power-sliding in an ambulance!

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

Coming through.

Yeah!

Dig down, Cosworth power.

'Naturally, we soon encountered heavy traffic,

'but we were ready for that.'

Engaging siren.

LOUDSPEAKER: # Aah, aah, aah, aah Stayin' alive, stayin' alive... #

Come on, go!

Can you not see I'm an ambulance?

# ..Ali-i-ive... #

Yeah, Stayin' Alive, it's reassuring for the patient...

but it doesn't really say "siren" to other road users.

Get out of the way, you normal ambulance! Come on!

'My siren, like my ambulance,

'was designed to scare people out of the way.'

KLAXON BLARES

'Annoyingly, though, it didn't really work.'

GLASS SMASHES

KLAXON CONTINUES

AIR-RAID SIREN

He's not scared at all.

'If Hammond's siren wasn't working, James's didn't have a prayer.'

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-I know it's slightly annoying,

but could you be an awfully good sport

and move out of the way of the ambulance? Thank you.

'When we arrived in Theale, we split up to look

'for the meteorite crash site.'

Oh, God, the place is a mess!

Look at the damn... Oh, no, this isn't the site,

is it? this is just...Theale.

TYRES SCREECH

We've got everything we need. Blood, oxygen, Nurofen.

TYRES SCREECH

Hydraulic handbrake, very important in a ram-bulance.

The Hatzolah ambulance service will be watching this

with their mouths...agog!

Four minutes call-out time, Hatzolah are the people to beat.

TYRES SCREECH

Yeah, temporarily lost.

Has anybody seen a meteorite? I mean, it can't be...

I can't see anything that's been damaged by a meteorite.

This is getting irritating!

TYRES SCREECH

40 minutes later, two of us arrived.

'Relax, people, I'M here.'

Oh, my God. Look at this.

Yeah, we got a lot of casualties here.

VAN REVS

Oh, here comes Hammond.

Do you just have the fire brigade following you around...

-as a matter of course?

-Oh, yeah, it does do that.

I didn't think it was going to be a real meteorite strike.

-I mean, that's...

-No, it is.

-..actually happened.

Go on, then.

"Each of the casualties is fitted with a timer showing how long

"they have before they die.

"This lets you know how long you have

"before they must reach the hospital. However..."

FIRE EXTINGUISHER BLASTS

"However, each time they are jolted or bashed,

"the timer will jump forwards ten seconds."

-How long's on the timers?

-Well, I don't know.

I presume depending on how wounded they are.

Oh, so it'll be different.

So we've got to choose one with the longest amount of time.

-Yeah, exactly. Right.

-The race starts in three, two, one - now!

Right. I'm just going to get in.

30 seconds, waste of time.

Two minutes. Mate, I'm sorry.

BLEEP

He's got ten minutes. I'm having him.

Eight minutes 55. It's you, it's you.

You're in good shape, my man. I can look after you.

There you go, sir.

'With the patients carefully loaded...'

Get in!

'..Richard and I were on our way.'

# Aah, aah, aah, aah Stayin' alive... #

LOUD WHIRRING

May have collected a cone or two there, sorry.

We've never lost a patient from Theale on my watch,

sure as hell not going to lose one now!

'The roads to the state-of-the-art hospital on the

'other side of town were littered with abandoned cars.

'But Hammond and I had decided to get there as fast as possible,

'even if it meant incurring a few ten-second penalties.'

MONITOR BLEEPS Don't you worry, sir,

you just hang on tight.

Here we go. Rams deployed.

The thing is, mate, you get a ten-second penalty

for every single little knock.

So you may as well have big knocks.

SOOTHING MUSIC PLAYS

Unsurprisingly, James had decided to adopt a policy of no knocks at all.

Hello, and welcome aboard the ecnalubma.

Your recovery is our first priority.

We realise that you have a choice of ambulances,

and this is indeed the best one.

The patient is really annoying me now.

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, no, he's broken free!

Whoa! Dukes Of Hazzard, there it is!

MONITOR BLEEPS

Oh, I'm sorry, that's probably ten seconds off your life.

Meanwhile, in the next street...

CRUNCHING

..James had encountered a Peugeot driver.

Sorry to disturb you, gentleman in the silver Peugeot,

but this is an ambulance and this is an emergency.

It really is a matter of great importance that you

make way for the ambulance, thank you.

Move, man!

-Whoops-a-daisy.

-MONITOR BLEEPS

CRUNCHING AND REVVING

No. Oh...

-LOUDSPEAKER:

-I've been reasonably polite about this so far,

-I would like you to get out of the

-BLEEP

-way.

Thanks to our exuberant driving,

my patient and Hammond's had lost a lot of life.

So we decided to go even faster.

We're on our way to hospital.

# ..Stayin' alive Aah, aah, aah, aah... #

Ramming!

# ..Ali-i-i-i-ve... #

I think my man is suffering. Reassuring tunes coming up.

-# Come on, baby

-Don't fear the reaper

-# Baby, take my hand

-Don't fear the reaper

# We'll be able to fly... #

'Following my encounter with the infernal Peugeot,

'I'd also thrown caution to the wind.'

Hang on, fellow, we're making up the lost time.

Short cut.

Watch this.

MONITOR BLEEPS

Cock.

-MONITOR BLEEPS

-Cocking Nora.

Well, I've lost a few seconds in that.

Oh, no, I've got a Porsche ambulance behind me.

Hammond, get out of my way!

I'm coming through in a Porsche Turbo!

Brakes are definitely fading.

This is the trouble with the privatised ambulance service

that we have created here.

It's a race, really.

Beautifully controlled...

Patient rested.

Hammond, move, move, move!

Right, nitrous.

Whoa!

BANG Argh!

MONITOR BLEEPS

He's gone, he's gone, and he's gone badly wrong.

Hammond has stuffed it!

Nearly there, sorry about the noise, you'll be fine!

Sorry. They couldn't get a lot done in ten seconds.

# ..Don't fear the reaper... #

We're getting near the hospital now. Stay with me, stay with me!

Oh, yes. First at the hospital.

That is a victory.

Damn it, May is already there!

But my patient is still alive, OK.

Ready, boot opening.

Patient-delivery system engaged. Here we go!

Oh!

Mm-mm-mm-mmm!

I give you one alive patient, delivered to a hospital.

-Ahem.

-Where is yours?

Oh, he's, um...he got better.

-Did he?

-Yeah.

-Did he?

I did say, did I not, at the beginning of this item,

"The process of recovery begins in the club-class ambulance."

-And in fact, it works.

-James, where is he?

-In the pub, I imagine.

-He can't be in the pub,

he was wounded, he was dying, got ten minutes to live!

ENGINE ROARS

Right, down here.

MONITOR BLEEPS This looks good.

Ah, wait a minute, here he comes.

And now - coup de grace.

Patient to hospital.

GLASS SHATTERS

Hammond, you blithering idiot!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you.

Well, there we are. Despite Hammond's catastrophic failure

at the end there,

I think there were a number of very important points made in that film.

But now we must work out which of our ambulances

-was the best.

-Absolutely, and over here we have the scoreboard.

And we start with the drag race. Now, Jeremy, you won that.

-I did.

-So you get ten points. Uh, I came second, I get five.

Richard Hammond, you were last, and for that you get nought.

Yep, OK, fair enough. Then we move on to lap times.

Now, remember, you get a point for every second your ambulance

got round the track driven by the Stig in under three minutes.

I get 43 points, there we go.

-Jeremy, you did it in...

-2.24.

-So you get, uh, it's 36.

-36 points.

-Yeah. And now, James, um...

LAUGHTER

Yours works out, I'm afraid, at minus 568 there.

-Rubbish!

-No, I'm afraid your tailgate

coming down, that let you down badly.

All right, never mind. Let's move on - medical procedures.

Now, uh, I performed two of those,

you get seven points for each one, so I got 14 points.

Richard Hammond, you actually performed three,

so you get 21 points.

Uh, no, hang on a minute.

I did four, because I did the intestines, the catheter,

the drip and I did the airway.

Yeah, but you weren't asked to do the airway.

-Yes, but I did it.

-You could've done a breast enlargement,

it wouldn't have made any difference to your points.

You were asked to do three things, you did them,

-stop moaning. What did I get?

-Yeah, well, this is the interesting thing,

-because you, I'm afraid, got nought.

-Oh, that's cos

I was rather transfixed by my patient's...thing.

# Trust in me... #

No, I was. I went round one corner, it nearly went in my mouth.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes.

That would've been bad.

Let's move on to value.

-Uh, Richard Hammond, yours was the most expensive.

-It was.

-Can you believe it?

-I know. Well...

Difficult, but, uh, you get nought.

Uh, Jeremy Clarkson, yours was very slightly cheaper, so you get five.

Mine was very much cheaper, at just £1,800, I get ten.

-Ten points there.

-OK, moving on. Now, sirens.

-Mine, uh, was rubbish, really, I'll confess.

-It was.

-It was. So I get nought there.

-It was childish and rubbish.

Jeremy, yours didn't work either, did it?

It didn't. Wasn't childish, it just didn't work.

It was rubbish.

James, you get minus 461 for that one.

How do you work that out?

Well, because not only was your siren inaudible,

but it doesn't actually say "ambulance"

-on the front of your ambulance.

-Yes, it does!

-It doesn't.

Look, you've written the word backwards,

but you've got the letters the right way around still.

Yes, I know, but the shop where I went

didn't have back-to-front ambulance lettering.

Yes, yes, and as a result of that,

-you are now on exactly minus 1,000.

-Yes, you are.

-LAUGHTER

-That's absolutely remarkable.

That's incredible. Incredible maths, but there we are.

It doesn't matter, I'm going to claw something back here.

The race to the hospital.

Yeah, you are. Because you came first.

For that, you get ten points.

-Jeremy, you came second, so it's five points for you.

-Yes.

And I came stone-dead last, so I get no points on that particular one.

Oh, now look, here we are.

James is back to... yeah, minus 990.

He's catching up. Right, delivery systems.

Now, mine didn't really work, did it?

No, well, your door didn't work one time, and you fired a man

through a window the second time, so that's definitely no.

Yeah, that did happen.

James, you didn't actually have a patient to deliver.

-No, you didn't.

-So I'm afraid you get minus ten for that.

Oh, no. All gone wrong.

Yeah, Jeremy, yours did work.

It did, so you get five points. Right.

So hang on a minute, hang on, hang on, hang on...this is close.

Not with you, obviously, James, but Hammond and I,

I'm only now... I'm only three points behind you.

And we arrive at this bit.

OK, this is the condition of the patient when he arrived...

Well, I say "he", the "she", whatever it was.

-..arrived at the hospital.

-Yeah.

So, ahem, here we go. James May...

-Yes.

-Your patient condition was...

Missing.

-LAUGHTER

-Yes. Presumed dead.

-Yeah, dead.

-So you score...

-Uh, nought.

-Right, nought.

-The condition of Hammond's patient?

-Dead.

-Right, so he scores...

-Nought.

Ahem, and the condition of my patient?

Your patient, Jeremy, was alive.

-And so I score...?

-One.

-What do you mean, one?

-It's nought for dead, one for alive.

I was the only one of the three of us

who got a patient to a hospital alive, and that matters!

Yes, and that's why you got that point.

So you're saying that because I only get one point,

I'm... That means I now lose to you,

even though your van was slow, expensive,

its brakes caught fire every time you tried to

slow down, and it killed everybody who got into the back of it.

Yep.

And the only reason you won is because you happened to be

good at putting a tube in a ladyboy's sausage.

-Yep.

-Which means that you, Richard Hammond,

have single-handedly ruined the National Health Service.

Yep.

And on that bombshell, it's time to end.

Thank you so much for watching. See you again next week.

Good night.