Episode 2 Top Gear

Tonight, I get even more shouty.

Naughty!

Matt has a serious word.

You remember to push the button.

And Eddie Jordan doesn't speak for over a second.

CHEERING

Hello, welcome to Top Gear.

I need to apologise for the lack of consciousness of my colleague,

Chris Evans, here. You see, he had to be heavily sedated

following the making of tonight's first film,

during which, even by his standards, he got a little over excited.

Come on, buddy, come on.

-Whoo...

-There we go.

He'll be all right in about eight and a half minutes.

The McLaren F1

landed somewhere from outer space in 1992.

A study in extreme performance with ground-breaking carbon fibre

construction, enhanced by magnesium and 24-carat gold.

Wow.

Oh-ho-ho!

The results were breathtaking,

the F1's top speed, more than 240mph,

which meant, for a dozen years, it stood alone

as the world's fastest car.

McLaren, though, didn't stop there.

In 1995, they entered the F1 GTR in the infamous

Le Mans 24-hour endurance race.

First time out, it won!

And then, STILL not satisfied, they created this,

lighter, and with more downforce, an even purer competition version,

and christened it the McLaren F1 Longtail.

Wow-ow!

It's so powerful!

It's so naughty!

It's so loud!

McLaren only built ten, which makes ownership a pretty exclusive club.

Cost to join - £10 million.

That's what this car is worth.

Which is why, although this car is road-legal...

..I'm perfectly fine driving on our very friendly, deserted airfield.

Aaaah!

This car is ridiculous!

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

The Longtail name came to represent McLaren at its most extreme,

and even though they've built plenty of cars since, none of them has been

considered outrageous enough to pick up where the original left off.

Until now.

This is the McLaren 675LT.

Yes, once again, that's LT for Longtail.

And whilst this one's actually a road car,

as opposed to an out-and-out race car,

it's still really, really, really fast.

Watch. Here I am at standstill.

ENGINE REVS

0 - 60 in 2.8 seconds,

0 - 100 in 5 seconds.

That's a ban,

that's six months in prison,

18 months in prison,

never see your kids again!

The 675LT borrows from McLaren's 650S supercar.

Like its twin-turbo 3.8 litre V8 engine, for example.

That said, half its innards have been upgraded,

which means brake horsepower has risen to 666,

the number of the beast.

Brakes!

That's the fastest I've ever been in a car. Oh!

Pfff...

So plenty of added speed, then.

But the 675 is also about what's been taken away.

First of all, this car is an incredible 100kg lighter

than its 650 sibling.

The carbon-fibre seats save 15kg.

A millimetre of glass has been shaved off the windscreen,

and that saves 3kg.

The wheels are lighter than you'll find on its big brother, the P1.

And my favourite thing of all, even the lacquer that's coated on the

carbon fibre, is now satin instead of gloss,

saving a crucial 50g.

Is all this bothersome forensic nipping and tucking,

and shaving and fiddling, really worth it?

Um, yeah!

Enter Chicago at 100mph, slow it right down.

Try and get it round, all the way round, can we do that?

Yes, we...can.

Hammerhead has never been more fun.

Oh, whoa!

LAUGHING: Oh-ho-ho!

OK, it's time to admit though,

the 675LT does have a huge bunch of tricks up its sleeve which allow you

to drive like a hero, without wiping yourself across a Surrey airfield.

Of course, you can turn off all the hero buttons,

in which case you'd actually have to be a hero, which I'm not.

But fortunately, I do have one with me.

All right, Chris? Do you fancy swapping places?

Cos I really want to swap places.

THEY LAUGH

With all the driving aids turned off, of course,

Jenson told me he needed to warm the tyres up...a bit.

TYRES SCREECH

-What I really love about this car...

-Yeah?

Is the finish here. This Alcantara here, I mean, you just don't

get that, do you, in your family wagon?

ENGINE ROARS

BIRDSONG

ENGINE ROARS

And the climate control system here, have a little touch on that.

I tell you what, this radio is new.

A new navigation system, and, oh, my God, it works well.

CHRIS WHIMPERS

Right, here is now smoke IN the car.

You see, I don't get to do this.

I've got a serious job, I'm having amazing fun.

'To get us back on track, I decided to ask Jenson a sensible question.'

How does it compare to the P1?

Because they say it's stolen a lot from the P1.

Can you feel the P1 in it?

Yeah. I have a P1 at home,

and I don't obviously drive on the road quick, but you can feel

the stiffness in here, and it's just really on the burn.

The front track is a lot wider, so you've got that turn-in,

which most road cars miss.

Most road cars miss that initial turn-in.

And it feels like a race car.

-And the worst bit is, I've got a 650S.

-I know, I know!

-I've got a P1.

-I know.

-I haven't got one of these!

-And they've all sold out.

-Yeah!

That's why this day is very special for me,

because it's the first time I've driven this car

and it'll probably be the last time I drive it, as well.

You can have this one, nobody's going to want it

-after you!

-I know, I don't want this one!

Now, this is not easy, be careful here, because you don't want

to mess it up, you don't want to go on the GRASS!

JENSON LAUGHS

Well, I've seen it all.

The 675LT then really does live up to the Longtail name.

And just like the amazing F1,

where this whole story started,

it takes McLaren's trademark obsession with detail,

and sprinkles it with just enough madness to become unforgettable.

The result? Brilliant, maybe even legendary.

CHEERING

Hey, look who's back.

Hiya!

By the way, Matt, thank you for the grapes

and thank you for looking after me. You're a very nice person.

Aw, that's nice, yeah, here. OK. This car, £260,000.

You love this thing, right?

I love this thing, but more importantly, Jenson Button loves it

and he said, off camera afterwards,

-he said this may be better than the P1.

-Wow, really?

-Yeah.

-OK, back to you for a second. Don't you own one of these?

-Yes.

-So doesn't that make you biased?

-No.

-Chris...

OK, yes, of course, it might do a bit, but I did buy it after

we made the film and apparently, within the rules, that's allowed.

OK, but I thought you told me they were all sold out.

No, they WERE all sold out, but one bloke paid his deposit,

cancelled his order, and I stepped in. Honestly!

Uh-huh. Does Jenson know that?

Well, he does now. Anyway, that's not the point.

So, how fast does this car go round our lap?

It's time to hand it over to our tame racing driver!

CHEERING

Some say he's had a fly in his helmet since 2007,

but he likes the company, and that he dreams in Portuguese.

All we know is he's called...

-ALL SHOUT:

-The Stig!

So, here we go. Launch control off the line, the 675LT 666 horsepower,

the most powerful McLaren ever to lap our track,

right into the first corner there, and look how hard Stig's

working the superfast steering to keep the 675 under control.

Stig looking positively carefree this week,

as he heads through Chicago and puts down the power for Hammerhead.

The 675's massive airbrake doing its thing, rear-wheel drive,

of course, only 1,300 kilos, after all that weight shaving.

Can Stig tame the mighty McLaren?

Of course he can!

Heading into the Follow Through now, Stig clearly in a jaunty mood today.

Up through that McLaren twin-clutch gearbox.

Here comes the tyre wall.

And that looks seriously fast.

Second to last, the 675 wriggling around there, underbraking.

Come on, Stiggy, bring it home.

Into the last corner and across the line!

CHEERING

So...

That did look very, very quick.

We have had a McLaren around the track before, the McLaren MP4-12C.

A much pilloried car, but did OK. 116.2.

How about this, though?

The McLaren 675 LT, with the Stig at the wheel...

-113... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

..point 7 - it's a brand-new record!

Well done! Well done, McLaren!

Bring on the P1! We want the P1!

OK, OK, right on.

Ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, fish and chips.

SUV time. It's our first ever group road test on tour,

starring the much anticipated Jaguar F-Pace.

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh...

-Yeah, but first a warning.

The following film does not feature flash photography,

nor does it contain scenes of an adult nature.

However, it does feature large chunks of Top Gear's

weird uncle, Eddie Jordan.

APPLAUSE

I can't understand a word he says.

South Africa.

Home to some of the world's most diverse wildlife,

spectacular scenery

and an environment alien to most modern off-roaders...

..off road.

So we decided to start our test in the SUV's real natural habitat,

the city.

So, this is it, Top Gear's first group test on tour, starring...

..the brand-new Jaguar F-Pace.

Look at that car.

Yeah, it is good-looking. It's huge, but it's good-looking.

Yeah, but I've gotta say Jag doing SUVs feels a little awkward to me.

That's what they said when Porsche started SUVs,

in particular, your Porsche Macan.

Let's talk about your car.

This is the GLC.

It's all brand-new, it's a proper car, luxurious, stylish.

Remember, it's from the same guys who build the best

Formula One car on this planet.

-Let's talk power.

-Let's talk power.

-I've got a 3-litre diesel V6.

I have a 3-litre diesel V6.

I have a 4-cylinder 2.1-litre diesel.

-BOTH:

-Wah-wah-wah...

'Whilst Eddie attempted to defend his lack of power,

'Matt received a challenge.'

PHONE RINGS

OK, challenge. "Welcome to Durban, one metre above sea level.

"You and your cars will climb 2,872 vertical metres

"to the highest pub in Africa, where tomorrow night, it's music night.

"It is your job to deliver the music, which will arrive now."

And it would be an eclectic line-up, to say the least.

Joining chauffeur Eddie, from Scotland and from Texas,

Sharleen Spiteri.

It's herself! Ah-ha-ha!

-Hey!

-He's going to hate it when he sees that he walks like that.

'With chauffeur Chris and the Jaguar F-Pace,

'his old pal and blues legend, Seasick Steve.'

The winner, the winner!

-'And riding with me in the Porsche...'

-Whoohoo!

'..chart-topping British rapper Tinie Tempah.'

All right, let's kick some butt.

'Introductions over, and with the music now onboard...'

-Here we go.

-'..it was time to hit the road.'

This is what a winning team looks like. Take a look.

It's beautiful. Let's go.

Oh, this thing drives pretty nice.

That Porsche can definitely move. Can we reel them in?

We'll show them.

However, just a few minutes into our journey through urban Durban...

..another challenge arrived.

PHONE RINGS

"OK, guys, you will now assess the high-speed handling of your cars.

"Ahead you will find an urban circuit,

"around which you will race."

Three laps of a street circuit, complete with roundabouts,

pavements and nowhere safe to crash.

With Sharleen, Steve and Tinie on stopwatch duty,

we lined up for a staggered start.

-ENGINE REVS

-You ready, Chris?

Three, two, one...

go!

Come on.

'Eddie, though, had his own take on the rules.

Three...

That was SO cheating!

Three, two, one, go!

OK, Porsche, here we go, darling.

-We'd never cheat.

-No!

-We would NEVER cheat.

"Three..." He never got to two, man.

Come on now!

First roundabout, first chicane.

'The powerful F-Pace might be the largest crossover here,

'but because it's made from lightweight aluminium,

'it corners like a much smaller car.'

SCREECHING

Keep it tight, keep it tight, keep it tight, keep it tight.

Back down the road, Eddie was in full vintage racer mode...

-SCREECHING

-Oh, oh...

-Oh, yeah, oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah!

..braking late and carrying impressive speed through the bends.

God, Eddie's quick through the corners.

But what about his little problem?

His little engine.

On the straights, his Merc simply didn't have enough oomph,

and to make matters worse, its nine-speed transmission was

spending more time changing gear than your average supermodel.

LeBlanc was closing in.

I see you, Eddie.

My God, Matt's quick.

'Plus, the Porsche is the only car here with a super speedy

'double-clutch transmission,

'so it spends less time shifting gears...

'and more time doing this.'

I can see Jordan and I can see LeBlanc.

We could be on for an overtake here.

Oh, my God, he's right behind him! Come on!

With my Jag holding its own up front, just about,

Eddie was doing all he could to shake the Porsche off his tail.

You sneaky, little...Irishman.

-Oh,

-BLEEP,

-here they come.

-Oh, God!

Come on, Chris!

-Yes!

-Whoo!

Oh, please, don't let it be Matt. No, no...

Matt's in front!

No! No way!

So, with Eddie stone-cold last,

was it me or Matt who'd set the fastest time?

What was my time, what was my time?

Our time, your time - 2.31.

-2.31.

-2.31. Right, that's the time to beat. What have we got?

Aw, no, look at this.

2.24, whoa!

Nice! All right, all right, all right.

Well done.

Grudgingly, we had to concede Matt's Porsche was quickest on tarmac.

But frankly, who cared,

as we were leaving Durban behind and heading for the great outdoors?

And, feeling generous, we let the musos take over the driving,

as well as the stereo.

New single, guys!

MUSIC: Girls Like by Tinie Tempah

Hey, that's not fair.

-SILENCE

-I'm not putting on a Texas album.

As we munched up the miles in convoy,

through funky towns and colourful villages, the roads opened up,

as did the horizon.

And behind the wheel, Steve was falling for the Jag.

It is a lovely car to drive.

The seats are nice. I like that.

-I feel fancy.

-Do you?

Yeah, and I never feel fancy, hardly.

As we left civilisation behind, the drive just got better

and better and better.

Nice road!

This is beautiful.

Oh, how beautiful is this?

And then, just like that, our off-road adventure began.

Look at it out there.

No, look... No, no! I'll look at the view.

-Wow, look at that view over there.

-No, Steve, look at the hairpin bend!

Because they'd lost the road race, we decided Eddie and Sharleen

should sit at the back of the pack, eating our dust.

Hi, guys, we're having a ball,

we're just getting pummelled with all your rocks back here.

Oh, Jesus, did you see that?

Sharleen, you and Eddie are going to have to re-paint that Mercedes

when this is over.

'Meanwhile, we were up front with clean air

'and a clear view to play with.'

Nice.

'And Tinie was having fun.'

Whoohoo!

-LAUGHING: Whoaaa!

-Oh, man alive!

-THEY LAUGH

-Whoo!

'Luckily, before Tinie got us too acquainted with the scenery,

-'Chris received a text.'

-PHONE RINGS

"You will now test the off-road stability

"of your sporting crossovers. Up ahead, you will find a dirt track.

"You must complete the climb within a minimum time of three minutes,

"carrying two of South Africa's famous Sundowner cocktails."

STEVE CHUCKLES

"The couple with the most drink left in their glasses at the end

"gets first pick of overnight accommodation."

So, good luck, everyone. Right, let's get the cocktails.

-No way.

-Come on, we've gotta try and win something.

Wow.

-Wowee.

-I think there'll be more ON us than in those glasses.

-Cheers.

-I'll get the next one, yeah?

-Yeah, yeah, come on.

Oh, my God, no wonder they'd covered everything in plastic.

Easy now...

Oh, man!

Oh, God, this is going to be crazy.

I'm already wet!

You got it?

Ooh, nice.

'We had spotted the protective plastic too,

'which gave Sharleen an idea.'

Don't let them see that.

-Oh,

-BLEEP,

-my balls.

-Oi!

My balls are wet.

'So, having won the road race,

'we were the first to tackle the two-mile track.'

..two, one, go!

Easy, Tinie.

'And it's fair to say,

'we weren't going to break any land speed records.'

CHRIS LAUGHS That is so slow.

Three-minute minimum, remember. There's a three-minute minimum.

I think you're going to have to go faster than that.

'So, he did.'

I'm in the zone, I'm in the z... Oh! I'm in the zone.

'Back at the start, Chris and Steve set off with a thirst for victory.'

-Yeah, good. Good so far.

-Ooh, this is the hard part.

Oh! CHRIS LAUGHS

Now we're doing good.

Hit the jackpot there, Steve, gotta tell you.

-If we don't win this, seriously...

-Go!

-Take it steady.

-I'm OK.

Doing awesome, man.

-Oh, Jesus!

-Ohhh!

Did I get you? I'm sorry. Those are cashmere pants?

-Those are nice pants.

-TINIE LAUGHS

Tell you what, the Jag's all right, isn't it?

Man, you're rocking it. This car's fair smooth.

Look at it. I'm relaxed now.

Steve, this is good driving... Waaay!

Oh, there's a little bit.

Brilliant.

'Soon, the finish was in sight.'

And we did it.

And with all of us across the line in time,

as we pulled up for the judging, the pressure was overwhelming.

-Oh!

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-Oh, no, no, no, no, no!

'But, hey, we thought,

'whatever happens, at least we'd all given it a fair go.'

Whoa-oh-oh. Whoa!

-Hm...

-What do you think?

-Why is it so pink? I'm suspicious.

-Shaken, not stirred.

-They weren't that colour when you picked them up

off the table. What have you got going in there?

What are you suggesting, Matthew?

All right, here, this is ours, on the end.

-Look how much they have.

-No!

I'll tell you, she is the most gentle driver

-that God has ever created.

-OK, just a small point...

I think there's some cheating going on, hang on... Something's not cool.

Look at those guys' faces...

-Cheaters, all four of them cheated.

-They're all dishonest people.

-All four have cheated.

-No, we didn't cheat!

-You held those in your hand the whole time?

-I held them in my hand...

No, she held that one, she held the big one...

'Clearly, my colleagues were lying, and as they argued the results

'amongst themselves, we realised that Eddie's cheating

'had actually paid off.'

It's not a contest. We've won.

We didn't win at the racing, but we won.

No shame in their voices, either.

No shame, no shame.

None.

-SHARLEEN ON RADIO:

-Matt, we love you for being so honest.

Those guys are two decent human beings.

Yeah, just too nice.

'With a clear conscience, we drove on through the murky gloom.'

'And while the others were full of wonder...'

This is an adventure, man.

'..with Tinie and I having last choice of accommodation,

'we were about to find out what happens to nice guys.'

Wow, look at this.

'And then, out of the darkness...'

Oh, no, look at our tent.

Look at OUR tent!

-LAUGHTER

-Oh, no!

-What the hell is this?

LAUGHING: Look at the size of their tent!

Oh, gosh.

APPLAUSE

-It was great.

-Part two of our South African adventure coming up.

Matt, do you miss your tiny tent?

I don't.

Do you miss your Tinie Tempah?

I do, I like that guy.

All right, well, let me tell you, please welcome here tonight...

NOT Tinie Tempah. Sorry, he couldn't make it.

However, please do welcome our other three co-stars from South Africa,

Sharleen Spiteri, Seasick Steve, Eddie Jordan,

and tonight's superstar in the rally cross car, Damian Lewis!

OK, OK.

OK, how are you? Mwah, mwah.

-Hi, Steve.

-Evans.

-Hi, Eddie, how are you?

-I've just... I've just got to say...

-What?

Three against one, is that fair?

Well, you say you're one, Damian, but first of all,

not only are you ace at football,

you're brilliant at golf,

you're an accomplished cricketer,

but also, you are Nick Brody from Homeland, everybody! Come on!

CHEERING

The toughest man to come out of the States for ten years.

You're also Henry VIII, come on!

The most ruthless man to come out of England in 1,000 years,

and now you're Bobby Axelrod, here we go.

CHEERING Look at that dude.

Oh, yes, the most lovable rogue since the Wolf of Wall Street.

That's why, you see, that's what's going on there.

Got it, three into one. Got it, got it, got it.

Yeah, you need three normal people to even stand a chance

-of beating you.

-Normal?

-Steve, tell us a little bit more about

what Damian's up to at the moment.

Damian Lewis is currently starring as Bobby Axelrod

in the Sky Atlantic smash hit Billions.

Check this out.

He's an icon of the wealth of our age and he's a fraud.

When did it become a crime to succeed in this country?

When he falls, he's going to hit the ground...hard.

A good matador doesn't kill a fresh bull.

He'll wait until he's been stuck a few times.

CHEERING

It's the new big thing, Sky Atlantic 9pm Thursdays,

or binge on the box set.

That's what we do, it's what we did, we just finished it last night.

It's brilliant. Very car-y show, isn't it, by the way?

I get to drive some fantastic cars.

They closed down the West Side Highway one day in Manhattan,

as I got into an old Bentley Convertible Continental,

went swerving in and out down the West Side Highway.

-I've got a Dodge Charger.

-Yes.

-There it is. Look, this thing...

-STEVE:

-I'm in love, I'm in love.

This is a beautiful, beautiful car. It's got those lovely,

big bucket seats, a bit like this,

so it's a bit like you're rolling around, like you're in a big sofa,

but it's got some poke in it, which is great.

Eddie, you have a question.

Very important question.

Damian, we all want to know, will you be the first ginger James Bond?

CHEERING

-If Chris turns it down...

-LAUGHTER

..I'd be only too happy.

How far...? Is this one question you get sick of being asked?

-No, I don't get sick of it, I love it.

-Do you?

-But it is chat, it is just chat.

-But you seem to embrace the question,

as opposed to sort of poo-pooing it. Have you made any overtures

to the producers of Bond?

No-one has called me, Chris. No-one's called me.

OK, have you called them at all?

The name's Bond.

-Sorry, you didn't ask me to practise!

-Do it, do it, do it!

Do it, do it, do it! Go on. So Sharleen is the new Bond girl.

Let's make this happen. Go on.

The name's Bond, Ginge Bond.

LAUGHTER

Nothing wrong with that! Nothing wrong with that at all!

It's you or me. It's you or me.

So, actually, we have three musicians here,

cos, Eddie, you've got a band. And, Shar, you're in the middle

-of making a brand-new album, as well.

-Made a new album, yeah.

OK, congratulations. And, Steve, your latest album

is out on the 7th October

and you have the biggest live gig of your life at Wembley on the 14th.

Biggest live gig of his life, ladies and gentlemen!

-CHEERING

-I'm not nervous, I'm not nervous,

I'm not nervous.

What's the name of your new album, Stevie?

The name of the new record is Keeping the Horse Between Me

and the Ground. Good philosophy when you're riding one.

That's a great philosophy. All right, let's get on to cars.

OK, so, it's you against Team South Africa, all right?

So, first of all, first car, what are you going for?

First car? I had a Subaru, which I... Actually, I went travelling

in South Africa for a bit and that's where I got my first car.

I got in a big, old Subaru that took me across the Kruger,

into the safari parks, and I went down through the Karoo in it.

Right, but you can't remember which kind of Subaru it was, can you?

I think it was an "Imprayza".

-Impreza?

-Er, that too.

-Yeah, doesn't matter.

-Well-known off-road car.

-Yeah, it was the "Subaru Imprayza".

-Did it look like this? Yay!

-Who's the girl selling it?

-Great first hair.

-That was Hamlet hair.

-Was it?

-Regent's Park Open Air Theatre.

-Perfect.

Right, so, first car for Team South Africa, we're going with Steve.

Steve, you've got to beat the Subaru Impreza.

No problem.

First car was a 1949 Ford.

-1949 Ford?

-Yeah.

-Now, it didn't have a name, did it?

It was just called a Ford.

People called them Shoebox cos they kind of had a slab side,

but this particular car, I was walking out in the woods,

and I saw this car that was abandoned and the windows were open

and it had blackberry vines growing through it,

and I just fell in love with this car.

I looked at the registration, had the address,

went over to the guy's house, and I go,

"Um, I found your car out in the woods," and he goes,

"You want it?" And I go, "Yeah," and he gave me the keys.

So, you know, I go, "Yeah, really, you're giving me the car?"

And he goes, "Yeah, it don't work."

So I got a battery and I filled up a wine bottle full of gas,

and I dumped some gas in the carburettor,

stuck the battery in, and it started right up.

And that was up in Washington State, and I drove it down to California.

-Wow!

-Along the coast.

And all Steve's stories are that good, by the way, about anything.

"Steve, I heard you went to the shop the other day."

"Well let me tell you about that..." LAUGHTER

So, a 1949 Ford Shoebox, there you go, OK.

That car did not look that good.

What about you? Shall we try and take you back in time now?

Yay! APPLAUSE

-Is that really me?

-Yeah.

-I look even old there.

All right, well it is best first car,

so let's see them both together, back-to-back.

We've got Steve's Ford '49 Shoebox

and we've got Damian's Impreza.

Let's hear it for Steve's Ford '49 Shoebox.

CHEERING With a great story!

Or Damian's Subaru Impreza?

LESS ENTHUSIASTIC CHEERING Steve takes the first round!

-1-nil to Team South Africa. OK...

-Thank you, thank you, thank you.

OK, best car ever, Damian?

I would have to go for my Mini Convertible, which I love.

-All right.

-Which I love.

-A Mini Convertible, best car ever.

-I drove a TVR, which I loved.

-Yeah.

-But, you know,

went away for two weeks, then you had to spend two weeks

getting it running again,

so that was always a problem, but this, I stick my kids in there,

we stick a bit of Madness on, we sing along,

the dog goes in the back.

Got a puppy, we have to attach the lead to the handbrake here,

-in case he tries to jump out the back.

-So when he does?

-Well, if she does, the handbrake's going on, isn't it?

-OK, how's that?

Well, if we're doing a corner at the time, it'll create quite

an exciting corner, but if we're in heavy traffic on the M4,

it's going to be less helpful, you know.

OK, so, Team South Africa, best car ever.

Eddie Jordan's taken this one.

Beyond any doubt that wonderful green car, the Jordan 191,

beyond any doubt, that is the winner!

Let's have a look, let's have a look.

CHEERING

Right, we... This is a bit unfair, isn't it, best car ever?

But he did own it, I suppose. Now, this was really special. Why?

Well, a couple of reasons. You can probably see somebody's helmet

sticking out of the cockpit there.

It is none other than the great Michael Schumacher,

-his first ever Grand Prix!

-APPLAUSE

OK, so...

Well, this could be close. LAUGHTER

So best car ever, right?

Damian's Mini Convertible or Michael Schumacher's debut Formula One car?

Let's hear it for the Mini.

MUTED CHEERING

-Yay!

-Well done.

Let's hear it for Michael Schumacher's debut Formula One

Jordan 191... CHEERING DROWNS HIM OUT

Oh! Oh! With bonus... With bonus hair!

OK, well, it would have been 2-nil, but I've got to disqualify you

just for that hair, sorry. LAUGHTER

So, actually, I'm going to give you the point by default.

Ooh, it's 1-all. It couldn't be more exciting.

Let's go to the decider. So, it's you up against Team South Africa.

Sharleen is in charge of the lap, aren't you?

-OK...

-Would you like to see Sharleen's lap first?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

OK, let's take a look.

There she is, off the line.

Come on!

Speed up, car.

Sharleen Spiteri, into turn one.

Easy left-hander and off-road from here,

little squiggle and a wiggle to the right, and on to the dirt, she goes.

SHE LAUGHS

Having a good time, water splash, here we go.

CHEERING Good water, Sharleen.

OK, tight right-hander, oversteer, no ABS, of course.

Into Hammerhead.

By the way, a very competitive Glaswegian

you have on your hands here, Damian.

Nice and tidy.

Back off-road.

Go, go, go, go, go.

Heading towards the big hairpin.

And, once again, oversteer, and...

BLEEP.

LAUGHTER

-Oh, air, good air!

-Air!

-Amazing air.

-Come on!

You were in the air, Shar.

Eugh, I feel really sick.

Cleaning the tyres.

Cleaning the tyres, up to the tyres, no lifting off there.

-See, I was trying.

-Very impressive, Sharleen.

Next to the last corner and...

up to Gambon. Looking good.

-Ooh!

-Cutting the corner, and...across the line!

-Yeah!

-You hit that corner perfect, Shar.

-Did I?

-That's where I'd go off the grass.

How was that for you?

Do you know what, I was just hoping I'd get round the track in one piece

today, when I came, cos they told me that the tyres were...

It was going to be quite slippy, but I had so much fun.

-Did you?

-Honestly, when it started pulling around,

I was like, "Oh, this is great fun." I loved it, I really loved it.

All right, so nice weather for a record lap time, Damian.

Perfect conditions.

I wonder where this is going.

You have driven the Top Gear lap before,

but it was the worst conditions of all time, and therefore the slowest

lap time of all time, but everybody here says you still drove

it brilliantly. Would you like to see a bit of that?

CHEERING OK, take a look at this.

-Ooh!

-Watch this, watch this.

And, and, and...

-AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

Sideways across the line, whoa!

So today should have been a breeze by comparison, really.

And also, your best car of all time is a Mini.

-Yes.

-OK, so previous, here...

I've been practising on the school run, Chris, yes.

LAUGHTER Would you like to see Damian's lap?

-AUDIENCE:

-Yeah!

OK, here we go!

Off the line! Good start there.

And we are off.

We are off and we are about to be off-road.

To be honest, he's already flying. He's already flying.

Look at that. Lovely.

All right, onto the dirt.

My heart's beating fast.

And water splash.

Yes, thank you very much, indeed.

Lost a second there, I reckon.

Into Hammerhead, keeping it tight, once again.

Oh, you can see he's at home in a Mini, the boy, isn't he?

-Yeah, you see, there you go.

-Almost on three wheels there.

I kept trying to take the roof down though.

LAUGHTER

It's not roofless, but you are being ruthless.

Hairpin handbrake, yes. Handbrake?

I did, and I gave it up.

Air, good air!

Who doesn't want a go at this?

OK, up to the tyre wall, straight through there, nice.

Come across, get on the brakes.

OK, you can overcook it here so easily,

-which really messes you up for Gambon. STEVE:

-Oh, look at that.

-No, in control, very good, slow in, fast out.

-Totally rocking.

And again... Oh, this is all good.

He's at one with his Mini, and he's over the line!

CHEERING

How was it for you, Damian?

-It was so much fun.

-Was it?

I jumped in the car with the Stig though, in the McLaren,

-early on in the day, when I first got here.

-Right.

And I had to change my underwear afterwards.

It was the most terrifying thing.

I couldn't get out of the car.

I crawled out the car.

Right, now we've got times up here already,

Jesse from last week, and Gordon.

First of all, Sharleen, let's do ladies again first.

Sharleen Spiteri, you have Jesse Eisenberg at 2:10.9,

you have Gordon Ramsay,

currently leader with all those two names on the board, 1:56.3.

Sharleen, how do you think you did?

Do you know what, in all honesty, I have no...

I think I'm over 2:00.

So you want to be beating Jesse though, don't you?

I would like to beat Jesse. I'm not anywhere near Gordon, but I'd like to beat Jesse.

Sharleen, you're right, you were over two minutes.

Sharleen Spiteri, 2 minutes...

1.4, so well done!

-Oh! Yeah!

-You did it, you did it, you did it!

-Well done.

-Happy with that?

-Yeah, I'm happy with that.

OK. Right, Damian, there's only one thing you really want to do here,

isn't there?

I want to cook up something rather lovely.

OK, you did say to me when you first arrived,

you said, "How competitive was Ramsay last week?"

-And I think we both know the answer to that, don't we?

-Yeah, yeah.

He was pretty competitive, as always.

So 1:56.3 to beat.

You did it in 1...

-50... AUDIENCE:

-Ooh!

3.9!

Congratulations. Well done, my friend.

-Whoa!

-Rock and roll, come on!

New leader, Damian Lewis!

All right!

Now, let's find out what happened in part two

of Top Gear Does South Africa.

-Tinie, your skin is so soft.

-Move over, man.

-PHONE RINGS

-Guys, challenge! Wake up.

-Yay...

-"You will now test your vehicle's stealth capabilities

"with a wildlife challenge."

'Using our cars' reversing cameras

'and our most delicate driving skills, we'd have just two hours

'to film the most impressive beasts of the South African bush.

'But first we'd have to find them.'

Let's go. Whoo!

-SHARLEEN:

-You know what, this feels quite deep.

-Oh, my God.

No, wait, don't go any further, don't go any further!

Woohoo! We're clear!

'In the Jaguar, we decided to go big.'

So, Steve, we've got to find a rhino.

I thought rhinos found you.

Right on, Jaguar.

This car's doing all right here, isn't it?

I, actually, honestly, when I said that, I meant it,

it felt nicer on the dirt than it did on the highway.

It seems to settle into its groove.

Yeah, it seems at home here, doesn't it?

-If we see a rhino, I'm going to

-BLEEP

-myself.

CHRIS SPLUTTERS AND LAUGHS

Meanwhile, Eddie had spotted something.

Look.

-These are...

-Eddie, you've gone a bit Crocodile Dundee on me here.

-No, look at the hoof!

-SHE LAUGHS

He's going in that direction. Come on, let's go!

How are we going to know what direction he's going in?

Because you can see his hoof!

Do you really know what direction he's going in?

Well, he's not going to walk backwards, is he?

And then, incredibly, Eddie was proven right.

Oh, wow!

Oh, my God, look, wildebeest.

That's too good to miss, we've got to go and have a crack at that.

-Up here?

-Yeah, straight up.

-You're my periscope.

-I am!

Oh...

Don't go in there...

Where is he? Where is he?!

He's gone.

'In the Porsche, though, Matt and Tinie were

'pointed in the right direction, which happened to be backwards.'

OK, keep your eyes out for animals, buddy.

'And before long, they found some.'

There they are.

We don't want to scare them away. We have to be really stealth.

-You checking out this pro reversing I'm doing?

-You legend.

Get your notepad out, mate.

You know, these are my favourite animals in the world, Matt?

Are they really?

Right, I've got my director hat on, I'm looking through the camera now.

Look, look, look, we got them.

That is awesome. Sick.

Oh, here comes some more! They're walking right... Camera hogs.

-Look out your window, Look, look, look.

-Oh, yeah!

With the babies.

-Ooh!

-Look, look, look, look, look.

-Ooh!

-Look at them all running through.

-Sick.

Whoo!

'Back on our rhino hunt, the rhinos were nowhere to be seen.'

We haven't got anything on our camera.

Does that mean we lose, if we don't get something,

with all that amazing driving you did?

-BLEEP.

-Oh, man.

-We missed the impala.

-We can't even catch an impala.

'And worse still for Steve and I,

'Eddie's bush-tracking skills were about to pay off again.'

-SHARLEEN GASPS

-Oh, my God! Giraffes.

What are the chances that we can get up here a bit?

No, don't move. No, no, no, no, no, no...

Oh, my God, this is almost impossible.

Keep going, keep going, keep going. Keep it as quiet as you can.

There he is, look. Beautiful.

'And then we discovered he wasn't alone.'

How elegant, look.

Oh, my goodness.

'Time was up on our stealth driving challenge.'

-Do you think we got enough stuff?

-I think we did good.

We did really good. We've got loads of zebras.

Zebra? What's a zebra?

Well, we call it zebra, you guys call it "zeebra".

Zed. Zed, right?

-"Zeebra".

-X, Y, zed.

-Zee.

Q, R, S, T, U, V, W, X, Y, zed.

-Zee.

-Zed.

-Zee.

It's not Jay "zed", it's Jay "zee".

Ah, OK, you got me, you got me! I can't say no to that.

'The results were in.

'So, which SUV had stealthed its way to success?'

-PHONE RINGS

-OK, OK, OK, challenge results.

Here it is. "The winner is...

"Eddie and Sharleen."

THEY CHEER

MATT GROANS

-The underdogs!

-Yes!

These guys, why do they keep winning?

Did you cheat on this one, as well, guys?

No, how do you cheat at that?

Were any of them stuffed animals?

We were looking for a rhino!

Oh, my God, you two are so jealous.

So, giraffe beats zebra. Really? Who knew?

At least one thing was certain. We had somewhere we needed to be.

Our passengers were due to headline a music night,

at the highest pub in Africa.

And to get them the rest of the way,

our SUVs would really have to perform.

Come across!

Oh, no, no.

Ooh...

Way!

-Yeah!

-What a show-off.

-Legend!

-He's crooked.

-Look at that, look at that, all-time air.

Whoo! Good, good.

Oh, oh, ooh.

Ooh!

Oi! Almost ran over his man.

-We nearly lost you.

-Oh, God.

As we ploughed on, it was like our cars...

came alive.

Whoohoo!

They were in their element,

eating up whatever terrain Africa threw at them.

But the Mercedes developed another problem,

and this time it was sat in the driver's seat.

LOUD BANG

-Oh!

-BLEEP.

-SCREECHING METAL

-Ooh!

Yeah, you just ripped the skirt off the back of your car, it's hanging.

Hold up, Eddie, hold up.

'And it turned out there was another reason why the Merc

'had taken a battering.'

Eddie, did you have it in off-road mode?

-I don't think so.

-You don't have it in off-road mode?

Uh, I don't know. No.

Eddie - mountains, river, rocks, Africa.

You know, there's a button in there,

when you push the button, it raises the car up

so you can get over the rocks and stuff, so when you get maybe

off the pavement, hit that button and you won't destroy the car.

Can you remember to push the button?

'Sadly, though, he didn't.'

-LOUD THUMP

-It's pretty rugged here.

Mind you, can we raise the ride?

-LOUD BANG

-Aah!

-LAUGHING:

-Oh, God!

-Eddie...

'The Mercedes and Sharleen were looking unlikely to make it

'to the pub in one piece. Something had to be done.'

How's it going, guys?

Eh, we bust this tank and it's leaking.

Right, so listen, we've, um...

We don't think you should drive the car any more.

We think you should hand the keys over to Sharleen for the remainder of the trip.

-That's not a bad idea, actually.

-Is he joking?

-It's true, I'm not kidding.

-Are you being serious?

SILENCE

Sharleen?

I'm not Sharleen.

You're not driving it, are you?

'With the Merc's issues dealt with once and for all,

'we closed in on our final destination.'

Wow, look at that. There it is, the Sani Pass.

Our pub is straight ahead.

Well, not quite straight.

Before us lay the most treacherous of dirt roads,

climbing high into the Drakensberg Mountains.

No run-off, no barriers,

no margin for error. No, seriously.

And as we steeled ourselves for the climb...

PHONE RINGS

-Oh!

-RADIO:

-Hold on, guys. Message.

Yeah, have we all got the same message?

"Congratulations, you've nearly made it to Africa's highest pub,

"a hell of a commute."

"However, there is only one vacancy to perform on stage tonight."

"There are two other vacancies working the bar

"and washing dishes in the kitchen..." What?

-Oh, man, that sucks.

-"To decide who gets the gig,

"you and your artist will race up the Sani Pass.

"The winner will be the fastest and/or whoever survives."

Is it that nutty?

Yes, it was.

We would each have to attack a terrifying, unsighted rally stage,

the ultimate test for our SUVs.

We would be trusting them with our lives.

I'm going to focus on the road, you tell me when the lady says go.

I got your back.

'And in true rally style, we would start at 30-second intervals.'

Go!

Breathe, breathing.

HE BREATHES DEEPLY

Watch her fingers.

Go!

Just a touch on the brakes, just a touch.

Go, go, go!

I love it.

Here we go, ready?

Easy now.

Way!

As the pass climbed higher, the drops became ever steeper.

But with the other cars on my tail, I couldn't slow down.

Straight, straight, straight, don't... Watch the bump here!

Now take it steady.

But then the Sani Pass threw up a surprise.

A border!

'Turns out Africa's highest pub isn't actually in South Africa.

'It's in Lesotho.'

Can I see your passport, please?

Sure. We've gotta get through this as quick as we can.

Oh, no, we didn't have our passports ready! Oh.

We're in a different country now.

Whoa, whoa!

What the hell happened then?

-EDDIE:

-What on earth is this? Keep going!

Flash them. Flash, flash, flash. Oh, my God, what's he want?

-Can I see your passport, please?

-Oh, come on, we're in a race, man.

Let's go!

Go. Go!

Mind! Jesus!

-Son of the holy

-BLEEP!

With Matt and Tinie smoothly through the border...

Thank you.

..we were all approaching the last stretch.

It was as stunning as it was dangerous.

Whoa, whoa...

-EDDIE:

-Don't even look down there!

Whoa, you can't even see anything!

'And then the Sani Pass revealed its final test.'

Oh, my goodness.

'A perilous set of snaking switchbacks

'to the top of the mountain.'

-HE SCREAMS

-I don't want to look!

-Aah!

-Oh,

-BLEEP!

-We're over the cliff!

-Can you see Sharleen anywhere?

-No!

Come on, we've got Chris just above, you can see him.

Chris is miles away, but I can see Eddie and Sharleen.

Just watch Matt doesn't come up, cos he is so fast.

Come on, baby.

Easy now, easy, easy.

What a road, and what a trip.

2,874 metres above Africa, and we were all thinking the same thing.

Almost there, brother.

Come on!

I can smell the pub.

We're nearly there, come on, finish line now, finish line, come on!

Come on!

Yahoo!

Whoohoo!

Ahhh!

-Faster!

-We finished it!

Oh, come on, come on!

-Whoo-whoo!

-Yeah!

As the sun was setting on our African adventure,

the results of the final challenge were in.

So, it was time for the losers to get to work,

and for the winners to take to the stage.

# Said I was a man

# All I ever needed was a plan

# Tell JK that I'm still rolling

# Yeah, tell Russell I'm a brand... #

-You want some ice?

-This one? OK.

-We haven't got any ice, sorry.

Red wine coming up.

Gordon's, Gordon's, where's Gordon's? This?

# All the girls like

# All the girls like

# All the girls like

# OK... #

Come to Africa, wash our dishes.

We're going to miss all the fun.

-We shouldn't be here, Sharleen.

-I'm not a bloody racing driver!

Well, neither am I!

But you were!

My God. You're trying to blame me.

-TINIE:

-Thank you, ladies and gentlemen!

CHEERING

That was so much fun, that was a trip none of us will ever forget,

thanks to these three cars, which are tough as nails.

Which is absolutely true and correct.

However, when it comes to the road test, not the race,

which is why we were there, our car, mine and Steve's car,

the Jaguar F-Pace, was the only one that finished with nothing broken...

-True, true.

-..nothing hanging off and nothing leaking.

-Good car.

-Great car.

Which can only mean one thing.

What? LAUGHTER

You were driving like Miss Daisy!

And on that bombshell...

Oh, no, no, no...

We don't do that any more. Did he not get the memo?

I sent the memo. Anyway, on next week's show,

the debut of our two rookies Chris Harris and Rory Reid,

and Ken Block and Kevin Hart and Anthony Joshua.

Yeah, and the Tesla Model X, the new Audi R8, and the Ferrari F12tdf.

-Right, goodnight, everybody, thanks for watching!

-Goodnight!

CHEERING