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USA Road Trip

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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Hello, we're back! We're back, thank you so much, everybody.

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Thank you. Thank you.

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Now, as we know, there's a financial crisis going on at the moment.

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But we've decided not to take part in it.

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So, coming up now is a taster of what you can expect over the coming weeks.

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Three, two, one. Go!

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-We're wise men.

-We are.

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Crikey, it's the Albanian rozzers!

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Look at him tumble!

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We may have hit an Australian quite badly.

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We nearly had him!

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Couldn't we have murdered someone a bit smaller?

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Top speed? Nobody knows!

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The door mirror has come off!

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I think he could be a massive idiot.

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Not even a dribble.

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Here we go, Roman rallying.

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I don't know where it is.

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That gap is big enough.

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That was quite good.

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All that is to come.

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But this is now. We must turn our attention to this.

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This is the Transfagarasan Highway in Romania, and we said

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a couple of years ago that this is the best road in the world.

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However, many Americans say, and they do tend to know everything,

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that in fact, the best road in the world is the Blue Ridge Parkway in Virginia.

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So our producers said to us we should pick any cars we liked,

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get over there and try it out.

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This is the road we'll be driving on.

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A snaking, 500 mile ribbon of asphalt,

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scything through the lonesome pines and the soaring peaks.

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It looks good. So now let's meet the cars we'll be using.

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This is what I've brought. It's the Ferrari 458 Italia.

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It is, in my view, the best car they currently make.

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And you can't actually argue about this, Clarkson,

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because you said on the television that it was magnificent and one of the all-time greats.

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I can argue, and I will, because although this is an excellent car,

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it's not quite as excellent as the car I've brought along,

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which is this, the Mercedes SLS.

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They're both wrong, because I've brought the best car.

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I've brought the Porsche 911 GT3RS...

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..which is the best 911, and therefore the best car.

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-That's an end of it.

-Hammond.

-What?

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What you've brought, mate, is a knife to a gunfight.

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-How do you make that out?

-Let me explain, OK? Premiership, Premiership,

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-Johnstone's Paint Trophy. How much is it?

-Exactly.

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-You think about it. It's half the price of the other two.

-How much is it?

-104,000.

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It's not half the price.

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-Well, pretty much. How much is yours?

-160.

-Well, yeah.

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-170.

-And by the time you put anything on it?

-Well, 190.

-There you go.

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This is half the price and still the best.

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-It's not!

-We shall see.

-It's got stickers on it!

-Porsche have given it

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an unusual little flamboyant touch, which is rare for Porsche.

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Red wheels on a grey car, which isn't bad, but the calliper's yellow, and that looks stupid.

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-You're right, it's a colour disaster!

-It is.

-Oh, I've gone off it, It's a fashion crisis(!)

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Can I just say how nice it is to be the elder statesman here with the grown-up car?

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With those doors? "Look at me, I'm an eagle!"

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Can you get an extra where you hit a button and CO2 flows out as you get out in a Darth Vader costume?

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I admit the doors are a bit show-offy.

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But when I close them, that is pure elegance.

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No, that is gigantic, is what it is.

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This appeals to someone who's five.

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Yours appeals to someone who's 55 and thinks it won't work in a minute.

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This is for somebody who has taste, refinement...

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No, sorry, it's obvious that that is a more modern car...

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'We could have argued until sunset,

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'but decided instead to see which was best with a blast on the Blue Ridge Parkway.'

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Here we go!

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'However, immediately, there was a problem.'

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-Guys?

-Yeah?

-Did that signpost say 35 mph speed limit?

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The Blue Ridge Parkway is 469 miles long.

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It can't all be 35 miles an hour. Can't be!

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'I was right. It wasn't.'

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It's now 25, 25 miles an hour here, chaps.

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What?!

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I'm sure we'll get round here and there will be another sign with a cross, just go for it.

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'But no. It turned out that the fastest you can ever drive on this road is 45.'

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I'm going to put it in the comfort setting. May as well, really.

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'This was hopeless. So we pulled over for a rethink.'

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The problem we've got is we can't go on because it'll take us 30 years to do 100 yards.

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We can't go that way because those are the woods of North Carolina.

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-Squeal like a piggy!

-I don't want to squeal like a piggy.

-It's full of Huron,

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who'll cut your head off. Last of the Mohicans.

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-That way, down there...

-What's over there?

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NASCAR country.

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-Is it?

-90% of the world's NASCAR teams are in that view.

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-Banjos, Huron. Good ol' boys, V8s, steaks.

-Absolutely. V8s.

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-I'll have a V8 and you'll have a V8 and you...

-Classics, which is better. It's just better.

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'Freed from the Stannah stairlift highway, even James went a bit mad.'

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Yes!

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-FERRARI ENGINE ACCELERATES

-That's a pretty good noise.

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-PORSCHE ENGINE REVS

-That isn't.

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I've so brought the best car.

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That Porsche is no match for this,

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the most powerful naturally aspirated engine in the world.

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But there's more to the SLS than just brute force.

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This may look and sound -

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GRRR! - like a muscle car, angry, but underneath,

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it's very technical. It's very European.

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The gearbox is at the back for better weight distribution, and it's the same double clutch,

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seven-speed box Ferrari use in the California.

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The driveshaft is made from carbon fibre, so it only weighs four kilograms.

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The body, the chassis, everything else is made from aluminium. This car is very light.

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This isn't a supercar. It's a sports car.

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It's been lightened, stripped out.

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It sacrifices rear seats, yes. But it just feels alive.

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Pure, direct, immediate.

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The other two are going to get all the admiring looks, yes.

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But that's my point.

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I'm not driving around in this for other people's benefit.

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I'm driving around in this because I love driving it. End.

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'Meanwhile, in the high-tech Ferrari, the man from 1947 was having a bit of a struggle.'

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James, how are you getting on with your steering wheel?

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You've no idea how it works, have you?

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Don't want to sound old fashioned or like a stuck in the mud,

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but you've got the two paddles to change the gears, there are six

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little switches and buttons behind for the stereo,

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the indicators, they're two buttons on the wheel, the headlamp,

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high and low beam, that's there and the wipers are there,

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the comfort suspension setting, the engine start button -

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all on the steering wheel. Nothing for the rest of the car to do.

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That's all very clever, that is the modern way...

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'As Victor Meldrew droned on, we plunged deeper into North Carolina.

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'The birthplace of what is by far the world's number one spectator sport.

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'NASCAR.'

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Always wanted to go to a NASCAR track.

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'So we did. And a rather special one.'

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It's not a modern 250,000 seater leviathan.

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It's Wilkesboro Speedway, America's first oval track.

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This is where NASCAR began.

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Wow!

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There is something desperately spooky about a disused racetrack.

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'The historic tarmac was very tempting,

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'and luckily, the Mayor and the lady who runs the track were around,

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'so we asked if we could have a little go.'

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If we promise to behave ourselves...

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-If you promise.

-Just for nostalgia's sake.

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-Raise your hand. I promise...

-I promise...

-I solemnly promise...

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I solemnly promise...

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-If I wreck, I wreck...

-If I wreck, I wreck...

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-If I die, I die...

-If I die, I die.

-You're good.

-High-five!

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Never high-fived a mayor before. Right, chaps!

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Little drive. I solemnly promised, with my hand in the air, that we wouldn't go fast.

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'Sadly, though, we forgot.'

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Put it in sport plus. Now let's go!

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LEDs, change gear, yes.

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Oh, no, we're now actually racing.

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You are the thickest man on God's earth!

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'I wasn't being thick, actually.

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'I was trying to coax James into a problem.'

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Hammond, what is it that happens

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when you drive a Ferrari 458 very fast on a hot day?

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I believe it catches fire.

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Yeah, yeah, only a few have caught fire.

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So far - it's only been on sale a few months -

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five Ferrari 458s have burnt to a crisp

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because the glue in the rear wheel arches gets too hot and burns the car out.

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Can't imagine James is relaxing in there.

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Thanks for that(!)

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'Because my car didn't catch fire, Jeremy got bored and became a yobbo.'

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How do you get the arse to kick out on this thing?

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Yes! Ha-ha!

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This can only end badly.

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'And with a certain inevitability, it did.'

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Christ!

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-Well done. Well done.

-I think that we don't need to do any more driving.

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However, there was in fact a long way to go, which meant I needed to replace the ruined tyre.

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The SLS doesn't have a spare.

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But then, Boss Hogg stepped in.

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This is Robert Johnson, the Mayor of North Wilkesboro.

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Howard Myers, I need your help.

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You need to get Tom McNeal back down to his tyre shop for us

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to get a tyre put on this Mercedes. Have him call me, chop-chop.

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I don't think Boris Johnson would do this for us!

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I was just thinking, that was quite a surprise call from the Mayor!

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'Down at the tyre shop, the fitter only spoke hillbilly.'

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I got 04040, it takes a ramp lamp to change them.

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Wassname down there, used to be on Main Street...

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HE MUMBLES UNINTELLIGIBLY

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'Roughly translated, he didn't have the right tyre.

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'So Boss Hogg got back on the phone and found another man who thought

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'he might have something suitable in stock.'

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-Will they go on those wheels?

-Yes.

-Let's go. It's only a mile down the road. And he's got these tyres?

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-Let's go.

-What, so, like, us go?

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-Are you going to just leave me?

-I thought I would, actually.

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-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-Like you do.

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-I don't make a fuss.

-Do you like badger bait?

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-Not going to be the same without the big ape, is it?

-What a bin lid, honestly!

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He is a yobbo, though, isn't he?

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Four laps and he'd trashed it just by messing about.

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He doesn't think ahead.

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I can still hear you, you shortarse!

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'While the midget and the pedant drove on to that night's hotel,

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'I pulled in at tyre shop number two,

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'where I hoped the owner would be easier to understand.'

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Do you think this will work?

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-Oh, yeah.

-It will?

-I got a cheating tank back here, all wired in. It'll shoot out eight at one time.

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'However, in the back, I met a man who did speak a bit of English.

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'He explained how, in the 1940s, the original NASCAR drivers

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'had started out as bootleggers running moonshine.'

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So the idea was, you put the big engines to outrun the police?

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-Exactly.

-That was the idea.

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And then that's how NASCAR was born, people racing the cars they'd built for...

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They built the little dirt track down there in 1947.

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And this was for bootleggers to just see who had the fastest car?

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-See who had the fastest car.

-That they'd build to outrun the police?

-Yeah.

-That's how it all began?

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Then they all started racing each other.

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'While I was soaking up the local history, James and Richard had arrived at the overnight halt.'

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It's not a motel. It's a bit posher than that.

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The villas have actually got garages on them. That's quite good.

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-Brookside, isn't it?

-We're going to be in a soap opera. Ace!

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MUSIC PLAYING ON RADIO

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-Do you know this song?

-Steve Earle. Copperhead Road.

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It's all about doing up cars to run moonshine.

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# Copperhead road! #

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# Heard mama cryin', knew something wasn't right

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# He was headed down to Knoxville with the weekly load

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# You could smell the whisky burnin' down Copperhead Road... #

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'This was the most memorable tyre shop I'd ever been to.

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'However, nothing they had on the shelves would fit the Merc's massive rims.'

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-No.

-No.

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'Which left me with just one option.'

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So, I'm now driving on a ruined tyre

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115 miles to the hotel where we've been booked into by the producers,

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which is in Virginia.

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Which is in another state.

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With a bit of luck, I'll have fallen asleep at the wheel when the tyre bursts.

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CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

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We'll pick that up later on.

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But now, it's time to do the news.

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And the big news is,

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James and Richard have both had a horrible accident with a Flymo.

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-No, listen!

-You must have noticed.

-It was the end of my mid-life crisis, so I lost the hair. I'm done.

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And you actually think it's ended, dressed as Adam and the Ants?

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-He's Sergeant Pepper.

-I've moved on.

-What would you do if I sang out of tune, Hammond?

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You can shut up, because in that film, you looked like Ted Nugent and now you look like Kojak.

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Where's it gone?

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-It is noticeable, mate.

-That from a man, ladies and gentlemen, who presumably was bald until puberty.

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Thank you. It is traditional at this time of year

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that we take a look at some of the excellent gift items available

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this Christmas for the motorist in your life.

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-Are you reading from a catalogue?

-It sounds that way!

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-As we've established, in that film, you are a Porsche enthusiast.

-Yes, I am.

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-So what I've got for you here is a Porsche-designed training shoe.

-Oh-ho!

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-£310.

-Ooh! Presumably, if it is a Porsche, the laces are extra?

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-Oh, yes. And the soles and this bit.

-"Sir wants TWO shoes?"

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Two shoes? That's 1,900...

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-I am indeed a Porsche fan. You are a Mercedes fan, are you not?

-Yes, I am.

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You'd be interested in the shirt Mercedes are encouraging their customers to buy.

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I've got one for you here. Here is the Mercedes shirt.

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It's a vest a with "TRUCKER" written on it.

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-It's a vest with "TRUCKER" on it.

-It's not a Mercedes.

-It is, it says Mercedes on it.

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It's the Bruce Willis look.

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Or Rab C Nesbitt. Beer and egg yolk stains are extra!

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-I would rather have that than a Porsche car.

-Really?

-I would.

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Now, you know those air-fresheners you can get for cars,

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-and they're always mountain dew and spring breeze?

-Alpine stream...

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All they are really is just mildly scented bottles of sick.

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Now, how much better would it be if your air-freshener smelt of bacon?

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Everybody likes... Well, not Jews and Muslims. Or pigs.

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-Then they'd think they're on fire. Not them.

-But nobody can make a bacon air-freshener.

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-Well, that, you see, is where you're wrong. Bacon air-freshener.

-No way!

-For your car.

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-That's a proper idea!

-This is genuinely a brilliant Christmas present idea.

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Let's just pop it open and we shall invite people to smell...

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-Smell that.

-It's bacon. Just. Ohh!

-It is bacon.

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-Seriously, seriously.

-It's not fresh bacon.

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I actually think this could cure vegetarianism.

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If a vegetarian gets in your car and that's dangling, they'll want a meat pie in a jiffy. Brilliant plan.

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-I would like to make...

-Moving on, more Christmas presents.

-Yes, another gift.

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Bachelors, this is important, pay attention. At some point,

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any day soon, you might persuade a lady to come back to your pad, and at some point in the evening,

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as things are warming up, maybe you'll going to want to dim the lights, and that is where...

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this comes in.

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It's a Bugatti dimmer switch.

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She is going to operate that and immediately take an interest

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in what you will look like naked. Look at that. Oh, it's hot!

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At some point she may say to you, the lady, after she's fiddled with your dimmer switch,

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"What time is it?" and you can produce your steering wheel clock.

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-Wow!

-And this will tell her the time and that you're a motoring enthusiast.

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Actually, "Oh, dear," she might say, "I've broken a nail," but that's OK,

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because this novelty nail clipper is in the shape of a car, look at that.

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You could try and change the mood. "Would you like a cup of coffee, my darling?"

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And here it is, in this piston mug!

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Or, maybe she is a sophisticate and would like a glass of Chablis,

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but that's OK, because you can put it in this tasteful... Sorry. ..steering wheel coaster.

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Yeah, and it doesn't matter if she doesn't finish the Chablis,

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because this gearstick stopper will keep it fresh until another lady comes round.

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Slick! Slick, yeah!

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Sticking with gearsticks, I have a gearstick toothpick for the lady.

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What, that's a toothpick?!

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-Well, only if you get Esther Rantzen back to your flat.

-Yeah.

-Or Janet Street-Porter.

-Either way.

0:21:410:21:47

Yes. No, actually, on the subject of Janet Street-Porter, if you do get a toothy woman back,

0:21:470:21:52

you might want to show them this, which is a model that you make of an internal combustion engine.

0:21:520:22:00

-She's going to be wowed.

-Yes. Now, here's one I made earlier. There we are.

0:22:000:22:04

You draw the lady over, she's seen you dimmer switch, and she can see the pistons going up and down.

0:22:040:22:10

Look at that. And you can see the spark plugs flashing if I push that light.

0:22:100:22:14

Mate, that is going to work better than a dozen oysters. She's going to be hot!

0:22:140:22:18

She'll be pawing the ground by now!

0:22:180:22:20

-It's working.

-Would that do it for you?

0:22:200:22:23

-Yeah.

-You are in for a whole night of suck, squeeze, bang, blow with that, aren't you?

0:22:230:22:27

What, is that the right order?

0:22:290:22:32

-It is for that.

-I'd like to introduce something

0:22:320:22:35

for which I thought, "I'm going to struggle to find a motoring application."

0:22:350:22:39

What it is is, this machine is controlled by your iPhone with an app

0:22:390:22:43

and it flies up in the air and there's a camera on it, there.

0:22:430:22:46

I thought, "Hang on, that could be very useful". Imagine if you're in a traffic jam, yeah?

0:22:460:22:50

You're wondering what's caused it open the sunroof, send this out...

0:22:500:22:55

So it's like a traffic drone?

0:22:550:22:57

It sends a picture to your phone so you can have a look.

0:22:570:23:00

"That's caused it, turn round."

0:23:000:23:02

So you know what we're on about, this is the phone.

0:23:020:23:05

Hold it up. So it's sending a picture to this telephone of me,

0:23:050:23:09

so you can fly it about and control it from your telephone.

0:23:090:23:12

How brilliant is that? Now, this is around, what is it?

0:23:120:23:15

£300 or so. So it's quite a lot of money,

0:23:150:23:17

but it is actually very easy to fly, as I'm going to...

0:23:170:23:21

-Are you sure you should be doing this?

-Yes, I'm the man for the job.

0:23:210:23:25

-Given your inability to do anything technical.

-There it goes.

0:23:250:23:28

-Oh, God! People are going to get hurt.

-Look at this!

-No, no!

0:23:280:23:32

Tilt the phone forwards...

0:23:330:23:36

I'm genuinely scared!

0:23:360:23:37

-Now go backwards...

-No! No! No!

0:23:370:23:41

-No! No!

-I've hit the lighting.

0:23:410:23:44

Oh, great!

0:23:440:23:45

APPLAUSE

0:23:450:23:48

Now you've fused the lights.

0:23:480:23:52

-Yes, you've fused the lights.

-It actually says "cut out emergency"

0:23:520:23:55

-on the screen.

-'Get a spark to the set.'

0:23:550:23:57

-There you go, you've broken the studio.

-No, no, no...

0:23:570:24:00

You've broken it!

0:24:000:24:02

I've broken it a bit, but I think, listen...

0:24:020:24:04

-No, no, no, I've got this.

-Well, that's not going to work, is it?

0:24:040:24:07

That's fine, that's not at all distracting.

0:24:070:24:10

-What about that?

-Brian, has that really fused the lights?

0:24:100:24:13

-'Yes, it has.'

-Listen, we've got a million motoring-related candles here, we'll just light these.

0:24:130:24:18

Light some candles, that'll do nicely.

0:24:180:24:20

Let's make it a Christmas scene, plus candles will make it warmer...

0:24:200:24:23

Ow, I've set fire to my thumb.

0:24:230:24:25

This is very nice and... Oh, hang on.

0:24:250:24:27

Hold a candle up near where you are and then we can see you.

0:24:270:24:31

Are we all right? Can you see us all right? Are we on the screen?

0:24:310:24:34

I think this is better!

0:24:340:24:35

This is quite nice.

0:24:350:24:38

Normally at this point in the programme we would have a high-performance car

0:24:380:24:42

out on the track and the Stig would be setting a time in it for us, but we can't because he's gone.

0:24:420:24:47

-He has. Stig has gone.

-Yeah.

0:24:470:24:50

-We're like Genesis now.

-We're not like Genesis!

0:24:500:24:53

We are, and then there were three.

0:24:530:24:55

I hate Genesis!

0:24:550:24:57

-I hate the Stig.

-Well, yeah.

0:24:570:24:59

Mind you, at least we know his real name now.

0:24:590:25:02

-What?

-Judas Iscariot.

0:25:020:25:05

LAUGHTER

0:25:050:25:07

Well, let's get back to our film.

0:25:070:25:09

Because Jeremy, annoyingly, had managed

0:25:090:25:12

to nurse his Mercedes with a ruined rear tyre

0:25:120:25:15

to the hotel in Virginia, and we pick up the action the following morning.

0:25:150:25:20

We were woken early, partly by the noise at the front of our chalet,

0:25:220:25:26

and partly by the noise at the back.

0:25:260:25:29

Sorry, James.

0:25:350:25:37

-It didn't open.

-Morning.

0:25:370:25:38

-Morning.

-How are you?

0:25:380:25:40

-Great.

-What is this about?

0:25:400:25:42

It was the man with the strimmer at half five I liked. What? Oh, yeah.

0:25:420:25:47

I know, it's a new range, they're ever so fashionable.

0:25:470:25:50

-That's very funny.

-Chaps, there's a racetrack in the garden.

0:25:500:25:54

'There are golf resorts and skiing resorts,

0:25:550:25:58

'but this is a motor-racing resort, a hotel with

0:25:580:26:01

'tea and coffee-making facilities in the rooms,

0:26:010:26:04

'and in the garden, the Virginia International Raceway.

0:26:040:26:08

'Paul Newman described this place as heaven on Earth, so we've put

0:26:100:26:13

'new tyres on the SLS and went for a spin.'

0:26:130:26:17

OK, here we go. Virginia International Raceway.

0:26:170:26:22

Right, red light's coming on.

0:26:270:26:29

Gear changes are just spectacularly good.

0:26:300:26:33

There's some very clever aerodynamics stuff on this.

0:26:350:26:37

Those little moustache things on the front, the rubbery bits you can see

0:26:370:26:42

on the grill, they actually deform at speed, and that way they

0:26:420:26:46

improve the air flow and increase the downforce at the same time.

0:26:460:26:50

Now, watch this.

0:26:520:26:54

James has gone off like a scalded proverbial.

0:26:550:26:58

'The Porsche has 450 horsepower, 110 less than the Ferrari,

0:26:590:27:05

'but I was confident that, despite this, I could catch James.'

0:27:050:27:09

That mechanical grip, everything working to keep those back wheels on the deck.

0:27:090:27:13

The wing, the tyres, and, of course, where the engine is.

0:27:130:27:18

This is a track-bred car, this is what it's for.

0:27:180:27:21

'The SLS, on the other hand, is not a track-bred car.'

0:27:230:27:27

Looks like a big corner. How hard can it be?

0:27:270:27:31

Oh, deary me!

0:27:320:27:35

I may have got the tail out a bit there.

0:27:350:27:37

Richard's Porsche, that was designed specifically...

0:27:370:27:41

Oh, heavens above!

0:27:410:27:43

How can I have gone off?

0:27:450:27:46

It's just so insanely tail-happy.

0:27:460:27:51

'Further up the track,

0:27:520:27:53

'my little Porsche was closing in on the Ferrari.'

0:27:530:27:56

Go, go, go, go, go! Catch him.

0:27:580:28:00

The Ferrari's got the legs on me on the straight.

0:28:040:28:06

Nothing I can do about that.

0:28:060:28:09

'My only chance, then, was to catch him in the corners.'

0:28:090:28:13

Carbon ceramic brakes, not fading.

0:28:130:28:16

Boy am I glad of that, because this is some punishment they're getting.

0:28:160:28:20

'Meanwhile, in the dog with the waggly tail...'

0:28:210:28:24

Oh, my God!

0:28:270:28:30

Every time you go near the throttle, the back's out.

0:28:300:28:35

'But actually, I couldn't care less about catching Richard and James.'

0:28:350:28:39

This is the thing about this car...

0:28:390:28:42

You can hurl it about, smoke pouring from the rear end,

0:28:420:28:48

and you're going unbelievably slowly, but with a massive smile on your face.

0:28:480:28:52

That is the AMG way.

0:28:520:28:54

Ha-ha!

0:28:580:29:00

They're quicker than me, but I'm laughing!

0:29:020:29:05

And I bet they're not!

0:29:050:29:07

'I was right. Because their race was getting serious.'

0:29:090:29:12

Break, you idiot! Ooh, BLEEP!

0:29:120:29:14

There you go.

0:29:140:29:16

Gaining a little bit there.

0:29:180:29:21

Go on!

0:29:210:29:22

Blind hill!

0:29:240:29:25

Argh!

0:29:250:29:27

Argh!

0:29:270:29:29

Seemed slow through there, James. Ho-ho-ho!

0:29:310:29:34

Hammond's going to be chuffed.

0:29:360:29:39

-No!

-Ooh, could have had him there.

0:29:400:29:43

Come on. Keep with him.

0:29:450:29:47

Keep the power on till over this one.

0:29:500:29:52

BLEEP! That's a big one.

0:29:540:29:57

Yeah, that might, that might have put me out.

0:30:020:30:05

Ye-es! As we know, viewers,

0:30:050:30:09

staying on the track is all part of racing.

0:30:090:30:11

'So even with Captain Slow at the wheel, the Ferrari ruled the track.

0:30:130:30:17

'And Jeremy, who had gone through yet another set of tyres...'

0:30:170:30:21

Good to see he's learning at his usual rate.

0:30:210:30:23

'..was typically gracious in defeat.'

0:30:230:30:27

-Obviously on the straight, I could easily have you.

-Could you?

0:30:270:30:30

Yeah. On a straight line this will munch you.

0:30:300:30:33

-I don't think it will.

-I could walk past you.

0:30:330:30:35

I don't know, you see.

0:30:350:30:37

Do you want £5 on it? On television?

0:30:370:30:39

£5 says that in a straight line, drag race, I have you.

0:30:390:30:43

'But before we could do the race, a challenge arrived.'

0:30:430:30:47

"At this racetrack you can do so much more than race your car.

0:30:470:30:52

"You can also, for instance, learn...

0:30:520:30:55

"Learn how to do a drive-by shooting.

0:30:550:31:00

"To see which of your cars has the most stable ride,

0:31:000:31:03

"an instructor will drive while you shoot at a target

0:31:030:31:07

"through the passenger window."

0:31:070:31:09

I didn't see that coming!

0:31:090:31:11

Quite clever, if you think about it, because if it's bumpy... It works.

0:31:110:31:16

-How big's the target?

-Are we allowed to open the window first?

0:31:160:31:19

We'll choose the target, I think, gentlemen. We'll choose the target.

0:31:190:31:23

First, though, we were given weapons training

0:31:230:31:26

which made Jeremy Van Damme very excited.

0:31:260:31:29

Insert it in the bottom firmly.

0:31:290:31:32

GUNS CLICK

0:31:320:31:33

Oh! I Like that!

0:31:330:31:35

With a good grip, it's going to, in a sense, not kick up so much.

0:31:350:31:38

Nice and firm grip, and as you punch straight out,

0:31:380:31:41

sight in on the target, and you hold it up on the target, fire!

0:31:410:31:46

GUNFIRE

0:31:460:31:48

In the throat!

0:31:480:31:49

-GUNFIRE

-Got him in the heart and the spleen.

0:31:490:31:52

'Eventually it was time to tear Van Clarkson away...'

0:31:520:31:56

Got him in the face!

0:31:560:31:57

'..because it was time to put up the targets.'

0:31:570:32:00

'And then work out a scoring system.'

0:32:040:32:06

-50, 50, 100, 10.

-That's probably the industry standard somewhere.

0:32:060:32:12

'Magnum PI was the first to go.'

0:32:140:32:17

-He's got to go for testes.

-He will do.

0:32:170:32:20

GUNFIRE

0:32:200:32:22

Going for the plums.

0:32:220:32:24

Going for the torso.

0:32:240:32:25

He got his arse, he shot him in the arse!

0:32:250:32:28

And the elbow! Ha-ha!

0:32:280:32:31

'Hammond was next, but first he wanted to make some adjustments.'

0:32:310:32:35

What's he doing?

0:32:350:32:36

-What's are you doing?

-Turning him round.

0:32:360:32:39

-Why?

-So I can shoot him in the back! Because that's how it's done -

0:32:390:32:43

in the back!

0:32:430:32:44

So he'll be having a normal day, thinking everything's going fine...

0:32:440:32:47

Thinking about seeing his mates, and doing something together,

0:32:470:32:51

and then he'll be shot in the back!

0:32:510:32:54

That's what I thought would be nice to do.

0:32:560:32:58

He looks like Don Johnson out of Miami Vice.

0:33:020:33:05

He does, actually.

0:33:050:33:06

RAPID GUNFIRE

0:33:070:33:09

Wow! It's disturbing, isn't it?

0:33:130:33:16

A man who lives in the countryside,

0:33:160:33:18

drives a Land-Rover, and is that good with a gun.

0:33:180:33:21

I went to art college, you know.

0:33:210:33:23

May have been wasting my time.

0:33:230:33:25

'It then turned out that the SLS had clearly been designed with drive-by shootings in mind.'

0:33:250:33:32

Yeah, I didn't think of that. What pistol's he supposed to be using?

0:33:330:33:37

Safety is off.

0:33:370:33:41

INTENSE GUNFIRE

0:33:430:33:45

I'm on fire! Ow! BLEEP!

0:33:500:33:52

'Once Jeremy had been put out, we totted up my score.'

0:33:520:33:57

You've got him in the stomach.

0:33:570:33:59

That's so close to the testes in this area.

0:33:590:34:02

So, James May, you have scored 80 points.

0:34:020:34:06

'The backwoodsman, however, did even better.'

0:34:060:34:10

50. You've got a head shot. 145.

0:34:100:34:13

'Then it was Jeremy's turn.'

0:34:130:34:15

So it's 100 for the plums shot.

0:34:150:34:18

20, 30, 40, 50,

0:34:180:34:21

175, 205, 210...

0:34:210:34:25

245 points...

0:34:250:34:28

-in the ride test Stig-shooting drive-by competition.

-Yes.

0:34:280:34:36

The next morning we were told to head to New York City.

0:34:390:34:42

A lifetime away thanks to the insane speed limits.

0:34:420:34:46

James?

0:34:480:34:50

Yeah?

0:34:500:34:51

'I'm bored.'

0:34:510:34:53

'I was just thinking exactly that,

0:34:530:34:55

'but I was too bored to pick up the radio to say it.'

0:34:550:34:58

'Shall we see...

0:34:580:34:59

'No, we mustn't see who's got the fastest car here, must we?'

0:34:590:35:04

I tell you what, let's have a race from 45-55mph.

0:35:040:35:08

Right. That's a good idea. The shortest race in history.

0:35:080:35:12

Right, Hammond, give us a cue.

0:35:120:35:13

Ready, and go!

0:35:130:35:16

'I won.'

0:35:190:35:20

That is not a spectator sport.

0:35:220:35:24

'Right, Hammond, you come up front, and we'll have SLS vs. 911.'

0:35:240:35:29

'Starter's orders, gentlemen.'

0:35:290:35:31

At 45-55 Racing, here from the state of Virginia -

0:35:310:35:34

3, 2, 1, go!

0:35:340:35:36

Yes!

0:35:380:35:39

My new motor sport kept us entertained until lunchtime, when

0:35:390:35:44

we asked the sat-nav in Jeremy's Mercedes to find us a restaurant.

0:35:440:35:49

Right, restaurants. African cuisine,

0:35:490:35:52

Austrian, Balkan, Belgian. What do you want?

0:35:520:35:55

I want Balkan. Get me Balkan.

0:35:550:35:58

Sadly there weren't any of those restaurants in Virginia.

0:36:000:36:04

-Small Coke.

-Small Coke, thanks.

0:36:070:36:09

You know, I discovered a flaw with the American way.

0:36:090:36:12

You can buy a small coke, which is, like, a dollar, or a big one,

0:36:120:36:16

which is 2, because you get more, but you get free refills.

0:36:160:36:20

So, why would you buy a big one unless you were a bit thick?

0:36:200:36:23

-I can't take you seriously in those sunglasses.

-No, I can't.

0:36:230:36:27

Oh, sorry. Damn, I've come on another film shoot

0:36:270:36:30

with two style gurus.

0:36:300:36:31

After lunch we made a small detour to Washington DC

0:36:360:36:41

which was nothing like it appears in the films.

0:36:410:36:43

SIRENS BLARE

0:36:430:36:46

O...K!

0:36:520:36:53

Is that man walking along playing with his testicles?

0:36:560:36:59

So, we left again. Ploughing towards Maryland,

0:37:060:37:10

where James and Jeremy decided to settle their wager.

0:37:100:37:15

James, look at that.

0:37:150:37:16

That sign. Drag racing.

0:37:160:37:18

'You're on - let's do it.'

0:37:180:37:21

Not a lot of point in Hammond taking part in this because his

0:37:210:37:24

trophy car is no match for the Premiership here.

0:37:240:37:28

This is a big battle we're about to do.

0:37:280:37:30

Ferrari vs. AMG. Ha-ha!

0:37:300:37:34

'The raceway was extremely slippery.'

0:37:350:37:37

But both our cars were fitted with sophisticated

0:37:370:37:40

launch control systems.

0:37:400:37:43

Right. Put it in drive.

0:37:430:37:45

Engage the sport setting on the traction control.

0:37:450:37:49

Turn everything off, then you select first gear.

0:37:490:37:53

Turn the gearbox all the way round. Confirm I want it.

0:37:530:37:58

Press this button, PS. Then, woomph! Off I go.

0:37:580:38:01

'The idea of launch control is

0:38:010:38:03

'to minimise wheelspin in conditions like these.'

0:38:030:38:06

Here we go.

0:38:060:38:08

Here we go.

0:38:110:38:13

That's the worst launch control in history.

0:38:170:38:20

Mind doesn't work either, but the Ferrari system learns the surface.

0:38:200:38:24

I'm going to do it again.

0:38:240:38:27

Here we go.

0:38:270:38:28

Americans can do this.

0:38:350:38:36

'For the actual race we decided

0:38:380:38:39

'to ditch the launch control and do the start ourselves.'

0:38:390:38:43

Here we go.

0:38:430:38:44

Go!

0:38:460:38:47

'That didn't work either, so we lined up the cars once more

0:38:520:38:55

'and put the gearboxes in automatic.'

0:38:550:38:58

Go!

0:38:580:38:59

'But no matter what we did, it was hopeless.'

0:39:020:39:05

'Eventually, by being extremely cautious,

0:39:100:39:13

'I got the Ferrari to the end of the drag run.'

0:39:130:39:16

Being gentle.

0:39:160:39:18

'But Jeremy can't do gentle.'

0:39:180:39:21

Come on!

0:39:220:39:24

Ah-ha!

0:39:240:39:26

Now, as I think we can see from that,

0:39:360:39:39

-I won, and you two, in fact, lost.

-I wasn't even in it.

0:39:390:39:43

Never mind that. You were too heavy-footed, as usual.

0:39:430:39:47

Just because you're light in your loafers, it doesn't mean anything.

0:39:470:39:50

-Can you two just stop arguing?

-No.

-Yes.

0:39:500:39:52

Yes, because it is now time to put a star in our reasonably priced car.

0:39:520:39:58

Now, my guest tonight is responsible for making some of my

0:39:580:40:02

all-time favourite films - Slumdog Millionaire, Trainspotting,

0:40:020:40:05

28 Days Later, the list goes on and on.

0:40:050:40:08

His latest film is the true story of a man who cuts his own arm off.

0:40:080:40:13

So, inappropriate though it may be given the circumstances,

0:40:130:40:17

would you please put your hands together...

0:40:170:40:20

for Danny Boyle!

0:40:200:40:21

APPLAUSE

0:40:210:40:23

What an honour! Thank you so much!

0:40:230:40:27

-Thank you very much.

-Have a seat.

0:40:270:40:30

-Thank you very much.

-I'm sorry about the mess.

0:40:300:40:34

Try and ignore that.

0:40:350:40:37

Now, I've been looking through your car history

0:40:370:40:40

and am I right in saying, you're not really a car person?

0:40:400:40:44

I'm not really. The only exciting car I've had was an Alfa Romeo.

0:40:440:40:48

But it was only a 156, and I just got so many points so quickly.

0:40:480:40:53

It's like they say - cars like that just attract policemen, thieves and girls.

0:40:530:40:58

And there weren't any girls attracted by it, so I gave it up.

0:40:580:41:02

So, the Alfa, the only decent car you had, and you need to have an Alfa to be a petrolhead, you can't

0:41:020:41:07

be one unless you've had an Alfa, you sold because it was too quick.

0:41:070:41:10

-Yes.

-Right. That's good. That means we don't have to talk about cars.

0:41:100:41:13

We can talk about your films. Which, I'm afraid, I'm much more interested in.

0:41:130:41:17

If you don't mind me saying, what I really love about your stuff is

0:41:170:41:21

that you never really know what the next Danny Boyle film's going to be.

0:41:210:41:24

I mean Trainspotting's completely different, say, to Slumdog Millionaire.

0:41:240:41:28

-Which is completely different to Sunshine, which is my personal favourite.

-Oh, fantastic.

0:41:280:41:33

I'm touched by that because it didn't do very well.

0:41:330:41:36

In fact, nobody went to see it.

0:41:360:41:37

A lot of those people are here because, as I was walking round the back,

0:41:370:41:41

there were loads of people looking at me thinking, "Who's he?"

0:41:410:41:44

I think, I have this theory

0:41:440:41:47

that your first film is always your best film.

0:41:470:41:49

And you can only ever make one film, like you can only lose your virginity once,

0:41:490:41:53

but you should always try and get back to that state, if you can.

0:41:530:41:56

-What, losing your virginity again?

-If you can. That would be perfect.

0:41:560:42:00

Your first feature was Shallow Grave.

0:42:000:42:02

So you would say that was your best film? Would you say that was better than Trainspotting?

0:42:020:42:07

My dad certainly thinks so because he's seen every single one

0:42:070:42:09

of my films and he says the same thing every time.

0:42:090:42:12

He says, "Well, it was good but it wasn't as good as Shallow Grave."

0:42:120:42:15

And he's said that every time, including Slumdog Millionaire.

0:42:150:42:18

Slumdog Millionaire, I believe he told someone he thought it was "reasonable".

0:42:180:42:23

Now, then, er, the new film, 127 Hours. Tell us about that.

0:42:230:42:29

It's about this guy, Aron Ralston,

0:42:290:42:31

who got trapped in a canyon in 2003, in Utah, in America.

0:42:310:42:35

A small rock fell on his arm and pinned him. He couldn't move.

0:42:350:42:38

He was trapped, standing up, but he couldn't move for six days.

0:42:380:42:42

And after six days, with a blunt penknife, he cut his right arm off

0:42:420:42:47

in order to get out of there. It's an incredible story.

0:42:470:42:49

It is. We've got a clip here, so you can have a look at what we're on about. Let's have a look.

0:42:490:42:54

All you've got to remember...

0:42:540:42:56

is that everything will be OK.

0:42:560:42:58

Oh, my God! Aron!

0:42:580:43:00

Aron! Oh!

0:43:000:43:03

You liked him.

0:43:090:43:11

I don't think we figured in his day at all.

0:43:110:43:14

Kristen!

0:43:220:43:25

Help!

0:43:250:43:26

HE SCREAMS

0:43:260:43:28

APPLAUSE

0:43:300:43:32

It is, what do you do? What do you do?

0:43:340:43:39

-You stay there, trapped and die.

-Yes. Or, do you do it?

0:43:390:43:42

And you don't do it at first because you think every option

0:43:420:43:46

you hang on to that means you can keep your right arm.

0:43:460:43:49

You think, people will come by. Somebody will come by eventually.

0:43:490:43:53

Or I'll work out a way of rigging this rope

0:43:530:43:55

that I can manage to pull the rock off and get out of there. It doesn't, of course.

0:43:550:43:59

Did you consider the idea of him cutting his arm off in a sort of wide shot?

0:43:590:44:04

Because I have to tell you, it is pretty gruesome.

0:44:040:44:08

I mean, you do see... And the noise as well, of the bone.

0:44:080:44:12

The bone breaking, yes. That's pretty tough.

0:44:120:44:14

It is a magnificent film.

0:44:140:44:16

Now, you've been chosen to sort of head up the Olympic opening ceremony.

0:44:160:44:22

And I know you'll be delighted about that.

0:44:220:44:25

We are. We had the mayor here, Boris Johnson, not that long ago and I made many suggestions to him.

0:44:250:44:30

Has he put any of our suggestions to you?

0:44:300:44:33

He didn't mention anything that you'd said to him.

0:44:330:44:37

So, what are you going to have as the opening ceremony, if Boris Johnson hasn't gone for our ideas?

0:44:370:44:42

We're going to have something very different to Beijing.

0:44:420:44:46

Because Beijing was the ultimate opening ceremony.

0:44:460:44:49

I thought you meant the closing ceremony, where the British had a London bus

0:44:490:44:52

and David Beckham kicked a ball.

0:44:520:44:54

-You were a big fan of that.

-It didn't really work.

-We won't be doing that, no.

0:44:540:44:58

Not that, but not the 200 million Chinese people?

0:44:580:45:01

No, you can't, the British won't tolerate that. You can't.

0:45:010:45:05

Supposedly they rehearsed in nappies, because if they rehearse

0:45:050:45:08

4,000 people and they all want a toilet break, it's a nightmare.

0:45:080:45:12

-Supposedly they made them rehearse in nappies.

-You're joking.

-That's what I heard.

0:45:120:45:16

You said you were going to do something intimate.

0:45:160:45:18

It will be spectacular as well.

0:45:180:45:21

But it will be more intimate than you realise.

0:45:210:45:23

Will it be as spectacular as something I've just thought of?

0:45:230:45:26

Go on, tell us.

0:45:260:45:28

OK, what I'm seeing, OK, the gates come open, the gates are on fire.

0:45:280:45:33

Some Jags come in, XKRs.

0:45:330:45:35

On full opposite lock, on fire.

0:45:350:45:37

And the guy, instead of having a torch, on fire, what if the whole man is on fire?

0:45:370:45:44

He runs along and leaps into the big saucer-y thing with the flames and that goes on fire.

0:45:440:45:49

The crowd could be on fire...

0:45:490:45:51

-Every single thing. Because then it could be like Top Gear.

-Great, OK.

0:45:510:45:55

Actually, watch this space. There is a man on fire. But he's on a bicycle.

0:45:550:46:00

Which you will sort of approve of and sort of not.

0:46:000:46:03

A cyclist on fire.

0:46:030:46:05

Quite like the sound of that.

0:46:080:46:10

Obviously, you came down here, I thought rather bravely,

0:46:100:46:14

not being a car person, particularly, to go round the lap. Did you enjoy it?

0:46:140:46:18

Yeah, it's spectacular.

0:46:180:46:19

It probably isn't very good for you to watch but I enjoyed it so much, I can't tell you.

0:46:190:46:25

Because we had one big problem, because every single guest that has ever come here,

0:46:250:46:29

they are taught to drive round our track by the Splitter, as he is now called.

0:46:290:46:33

Sacked Stig.

0:46:330:46:35

So we had to bring a man out of retirement.

0:46:350:46:38

Go to an old people's home. We actually used Tiff Needell, ladies and gentlemen.

0:46:420:46:46

Tiff Needell was the man that taught you.

0:46:460:46:49

What is he like now he's, what, 150?

0:46:490:46:52

-He was excellent.

-Was he?

-Yes, he was excellent. He was very good.

0:46:520:46:55

And, provided I've done it in less than 127 seconds, I'm OK.

0:46:550:46:59

-That's the task I've set.

-127 seconds? That's a good target to set.

0:46:590:47:02

-Who'd like to see Danny's lap?

-Yeah!

-Let's have a look.

0:47:020:47:09

-Look at that reasonably priced brown car go.

-Wheelspin.

0:47:100:47:14

Better on the limiter, Danny.

0:47:140:47:16

Tiff would have been proud of that. 'He said to watch the limiter.'

0:47:160:47:21

-That's

-BLEEP.

0:47:210:47:23

There's one in there somewhere. Right, here we go.

0:47:250:47:27

Taking it very wide there.

0:47:270:47:29

This is obviously Tiff's line.

0:47:290:47:31

-You see, that looks slow...

-Get on the power. Get on the power, come on.

0:47:320:47:39

No, don't get on the power. And you haven't, you see? Keep it tidy.

0:47:390:47:43

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not very good.

-BLEEP.

0:47:430:47:46

You looked like Jim Bowen there, that was a worry.

0:47:500:47:52

Now the hammerhead. I know it looks slow, but...

0:47:530:47:58

When you're inside it, it feels so fast.

0:47:580:48:00

It's unbelievable.

0:48:000:48:03

-Right, come on. Full throttle.

-BLEEP.

0:48:030:48:09

Handle thing's come off.

0:48:090:48:12

The gear lever came off?

0:48:120:48:15

Well, that would slow you down a bit.

0:48:150:48:17

That's a great camera there.

0:48:190:48:21

That's another very wide line, but I like that way in.

0:48:230:48:26

It's very good. And you stayed on.

0:48:260:48:28

Now we're going round Gambon without any problem.

0:48:280:48:31

And there we are, ladies and gentlemen, across the line!

0:48:310:48:34

CHEERING

0:48:340:48:35

Well done.

0:48:380:48:40

I'm just thinking, is the next Danny Boyle film going to be the Fast And The Furious 32?

0:48:420:48:47

Can we have a car film from Danny Boyle? Can we have Mad Max IV?

0:48:470:48:51

I'd love to make a proper car film. Like a Mad Max film.

0:48:510:48:53

-Mad Max would be brilliant. Did you see Doomsday? That was a good one.

-Yeah, I did.

-It had a good cast.

0:48:530:48:57

Except it was shot in Spain and he hoped we'd think it was Scotland.

0:48:570:49:02

No, it wasn't raining. Right, come on then, where do you think you've come? It was wet.

0:49:020:49:06

So these are the wet times here. Angelina Jolie. That's not the actual Angelina Jolie.

0:49:060:49:10

That was Bill Bailey pretending to be Angelina Jolie.

0:49:100:49:13

1:50:08. That's the fastest we've ever had in that car. Danny Boyle,

0:49:130:49:19

you did it in...

0:49:190:49:22

1:47:08,

0:49:220:49:28

which means you have done the fastest-ever wet lap!

0:49:280:49:32

Oh!

0:49:320:49:34

Congratulations.

0:49:360:49:38

Really? That's Tiff.

0:49:380:49:40

You've got to say for Tiff.

0:49:400:49:41

That is Tiff, that. That's amazing. Oh, cool!

0:49:410:49:45

All these years, the Stig has been coming and slowing celebrities down.

0:49:450:49:51

Now we've got the pensioner out of retirement...

0:49:510:49:54

Or you could have a natural talent you've only just discovered.

0:49:540:49:57

And that was the first time you've ever driven in anger on a track? In a your whole life?

0:49:570:50:02

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

-That's a remarkable achievement.

0:50:020:50:04

It's such a buzz. Thank you for letting me do it.

0:50:040:50:06

-It was a great day.

-If there's any thank yous to be done, it's the other way.

0:50:060:50:10

I've wanted to meet you for years and years. Ladies and gentlemen, Danny Boyle.

0:50:100:50:13

Thank you. Cool!

0:50:130:50:16

That's a good time.

0:50:160:50:19

That won't be beaten for a while.

0:50:190:50:21

OK. OK. It is now time for the third and final part of our trans-America drive film.

0:50:260:50:33

We're on our way to New York in the Mercedes SLS. The Ferrari 458.

0:50:330:50:37

And the brilliant Porsche GT3 RS.

0:50:370:50:40

And we rejoin the action on a bridge near some water.

0:50:400:50:44

Chaps, obviously I'm aware of this, but just for the record, where are we?

0:51:040:51:08

Urr, well, we've done Maryland, I think we're in Pennsylvania.

0:51:080:51:13

Righto, Pennsylvania it is. I like it.

0:51:130:51:16

After a while we found ourselves in Amish country,

0:51:160:51:19

which we thought would be full of people in aprons building barns and drinking lemonade.

0:51:190:51:25

I love to see a horse and carriage.

0:51:250:51:28

Look at that. It's fantastic.

0:51:280:51:29

However, we were in for a shock.

0:51:290:51:32

It does say that, doesn't it?

0:51:410:51:43

-It does.

-It does say that.

0:51:430:51:46

That's what it says. And it is the name of the town. It's not...

0:51:460:51:49

Welcome to... That.

0:51:490:51:52

You don't think there was a hamlet called Foreplay down there we should have popped into first?

0:51:540:51:59

We quickly left Amish country and were delighted a few hours later

0:52:010:52:05

to find ourselves approaching somewhere a bit less smutty.

0:52:050:52:09

Well, this is it. Noo Yoik.

0:52:090:52:13

And the following morning we were told to report to Brooklyn for a challenge.

0:52:200:52:25

Right.

0:52:270:52:28

"You have been booked to appear at 11 o'clock this morning on an American chat show.

0:52:280:52:34

"The studio is on West 59th Street near its junction with 11th Avenue.

0:52:340:52:40

-"There's only time for one of you to appear, so the first to arrive gets the gig."

-Can I just ask...?

0:52:400:52:46

Can I see it? It doesn't say I can't use my sat-nav.

0:52:460:52:50

Nor me. Or you, you...

0:52:500:52:53

-I haven't got sat-nav.

-Shall we do it? Have we got an hour?

0:52:530:52:56

Yes.

0:52:560:52:57

Chat show.

0:52:570:53:00

-Three, two....go.

-OK.

0:53:000:53:05

Set navigation. City of Manhattan.

0:53:100:53:14

Wes...

0:53:140:53:17

M... A...

0:53:170:53:21

How do you enter West 59 in the sat-nav?

0:53:210:53:25

It's not easy, but luckily I've managed it. Goodbye.

0:53:250:53:27

-Looking good, looking good.

-Done it. Go.

0:53:310:53:34

Up ahead, the Porsche was on Brooklyn Bridge

0:53:410:53:45

zooming towards Manhattan.

0:53:450:53:47

Which made Stuart Little very nervous.

0:53:500:53:54

No. No. Oh, God. Look at it. It's huge.

0:53:540:53:58

I'm a country boy. That's just a fact. Cities...terrify me.

0:54:000:54:05

They're just big and complicated and full of people who shout at you.

0:54:050:54:09

Here we go.

0:54:130:54:15

The producers had given us only one rule.

0:54:150:54:18

We weren't allowed to use the ring roads

0:54:180:54:20

that go up Manhattan shoreline.

0:54:200:54:22

But no matter. Us sat-nav boys were feeling pretty relaxed.

0:54:220:54:27

Hello, America.

0:54:270:54:28

Manhattan TV studio and then the world.

0:54:280:54:33

Could be Good Morning America. That is a big show.

0:54:330:54:37

Hammond will be desperate to get there first.

0:54:370:54:41

Because ever since he was a foetus, he's been destined to appear on American television.

0:54:410:54:46

With his teeth and his hair and everything.

0:54:460:54:50

Do I want Pearl Street?

0:54:500:54:52

Park Road South? I don't know! I don't know.

0:54:520:54:57

James steamed into Manhattan full of confidence.

0:54:590:55:03

Park Road South, keep right.

0:55:030:55:05

Keep left, yes.

0:55:050:55:08

But soon he had a problem.

0:55:080:55:10

I've lost the satellite signal.

0:55:100:55:12

It's the buildings.

0:55:120:55:14

Annoyingly, though, Manhattan suited James's love of order

0:55:140:55:19

and logic because the streets are laid out in a numbered grid system.

0:55:190:55:24

You can only go four ways. You can go east or west or you can go north or south.

0:55:240:55:29

There's no windy stuff, and there's very little in the way of diagonal stuff. Concentrate.

0:55:290:55:35

In the SLS, the sat-nav was not affected by the buildings, but it was being very German.

0:55:370:55:44

Ah, you see, the sat-nav has selected the ring road.

0:55:440:55:48

Look, it's trying to take me up.

0:55:480:55:49

I can't do that.

0:55:490:55:52

I drove deeper into the heart of the city to force the system to think again.

0:55:520:55:56

Sat-nav's still trying to make me go on the ring road. I can't do that.

0:55:560:56:01

-'Prepare to turn left.'

-No!

0:56:010:56:03

I can't go on the ring road.

0:56:030:56:05

I'm going to shut her up.

0:56:050:56:07

If I just keep heading north until I get to 59th Street.

0:56:070:56:10

How hard can that be?

0:56:100:56:13

All of us were now relying on intelligence alone to find

0:56:130:56:16

the TV studio, and if I'm honest,

0:56:160:56:19

that did put Stuart Little at a bit of a disadvantage.

0:56:190:56:22

No, no. I don't want to go.

0:56:230:56:26

No! How do I not go in the tunnel?

0:56:260:56:30

I'm not going to panic. I'm not going to panic. Not going to panic.

0:56:300:56:33

I've indicated with the windscreen wipers - that's bad.

0:56:330:56:37

Right. Going north.

0:56:370:56:39

I'll start to count off street numbers in a minute.

0:56:390:56:43

Just keep going until I get to 59.

0:56:430:56:46

Captain OCD was making storming progress.

0:56:480:56:52

14th Street. This is good.

0:56:540:56:58

I wonder where Jezza is.

0:56:590:57:01

Annoyingly, the northbound street I'd selected was a bit busy.

0:57:010:57:06

Nothing I can do. I'm completely jammed in.

0:57:060:57:09

Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.

0:57:090:57:12

A bit more panicking. Move!

0:57:120:57:17

23rd Street. They're tumbling.

0:57:210:57:23

I was so confident, I decided to weave round bottlenecks.

0:57:230:57:27

Down there... It's easy!

0:57:270:57:31

Oh, no.

0:57:330:57:35

East 14th Street.

0:57:350:57:38

I've got to go to 59!

0:57:380:57:40

And I've now got 36 minutes to get there.

0:57:400:57:43

'Still, could be worse.'

0:57:430:57:46

There's Hammond! That's Hammond!

0:57:460:57:49

Dear... Aaah! That doesn't...

0:57:490:57:53

What am I doing wrong?

0:57:530:57:55

At that moment, I was asking myself the same question.

0:57:550:58:00

-BLEEP.

-Done it wrong.

0:58:050:58:06

I mustn't clout the rear alloy on the corner of that.

0:58:060:58:12

Right now it's the back wheel over there. Good?

0:58:120:58:18

Having lost valuable time, I decided to stick to the main streets.

0:58:180:58:23

Avenue of the Americas. This is good.

0:58:230:58:27

This is an astonishing road, the Avenue of the Americas.

0:58:310:58:34

Look at that. Concrete canyon!

0:58:370:58:39

I think I just saw James over there.

0:58:440:58:47

Yes! Ha-ha! Look what I've found!

0:58:470:58:50

Jezza.

0:58:500:58:52

That's interesting.

0:58:520:58:54

It was very tempting to finally see which of our cars was the fastest.

0:58:540:59:00

We mustn't do this.

0:59:000:59:03

And then we decided that we must.

0:59:030:59:06

Going to go manual.

0:59:070:59:10

This burst of acceleration could decide who goes on American television!

0:59:100:59:14

Sadly, before the race was done, we hit traffic. So I braked...

0:59:260:59:30

and bailed. That's that.

0:59:300:59:34

Oh, he's turned off.

0:59:340:59:37

Oh, very bold!

0:59:370:59:38

Jeremy and I were now trying different tactics.

0:59:380:59:41

He was wiggling in the back streets, and I was on the big road,

0:59:410:59:45

hoping the lights would be kind.

0:59:450:59:47

This race is now a race.

0:59:490:59:53

47th... 48th...

0:59:530:59:57

49th. Ten to go.

0:59:570:59:59

It's just green, green, green.

1:00:001:00:03

My plan hadn't worked and I was in a complete tangle.

1:00:051:00:08

Broadway is one way.

1:00:081:00:11

Oh, no!

1:00:111:00:14

What's the next one?

1:00:141:00:16

If I go to 7th... Oh, no, 7th is one way as well. It is.

1:00:161:00:20

So I have to go left.

1:00:201:00:22

Oh, spiffing!

1:00:221:00:25

This is just ludicrous.

1:00:251:00:26

There's only one road goes north.

1:00:261:00:28

All the others go south.

1:00:281:00:30

'Still, could be worse.'

1:00:301:00:32

Broadway?

1:00:351:00:37

Isn't that where the theatres are? Look at that! Look at that!

1:00:371:00:41

I am on Broadway. Broadway!

1:00:411:00:43

Hang on... Broadway's... I'm going the wrong way.

1:00:451:00:49

More green lights, look at this!

1:00:521:00:55

56th, 57th...

1:00:551:00:58

I wonder if it's Letterman.

1:00:581:01:00

58th.

1:01:001:01:03

Right, this is 59th.

1:01:031:01:05

Hello, America.

1:01:051:01:07

This is James May in the latest Ferrari.

1:01:071:01:10

Come on!

1:01:131:01:15

'All I had to do was stick with 59th Street for five blocks.' Keep going.

1:01:151:01:20

'But at this roundabout, 59th Street just...stopped.'

1:01:201:01:25

Oh, God!

1:01:251:01:27

Oh, this is where it gets difficult.

1:01:271:01:30

Now I was relying on my famously brilliant sense of direction.

1:01:301:01:36

I'm going that way.

1:01:361:01:38

That was a hunch.

1:01:381:01:40

Jeremy, meanwhile, had decided to replace navigation with raw power.

1:01:401:01:45

47th...

1:01:501:01:53

Come on!

1:01:561:01:59

Oh, God above!

1:01:591:02:01

How can Amsterdam only be one way?

1:02:011:02:02

What is the point?

1:02:021:02:05

Right, I'll go across... Oh, I can't go down there.

1:02:051:02:07

BLEEP!

1:02:071:02:09

All the lights are green.

1:02:161:02:18

And 53.

1:02:201:02:22

63. That's pedestrianised.

1:02:231:02:27

Oh, it's all going wrong.

1:02:271:02:29

Let me go down a street, for God's sake!

1:02:291:02:32

Now I've got to get across.

1:02:401:02:42

9th. I want to go to 11th, it's near the junction with 11th.

1:02:451:02:49

66th. Here we go.

1:02:551:02:57

West End Avenue. Lovely work!

1:02:571:03:01

Five streets to go.

1:03:031:03:06

10th. Is this 11th?

1:03:091:03:12

Off up here...

1:03:131:03:15

Come on!

1:03:151:03:17

61...

1:03:171:03:19

60...

1:03:191:03:22

58.

1:03:231:03:24

59th. Yes.

1:03:251:03:27

Oh, no! No!

1:03:311:03:33

No! No, that's not possible.

1:03:331:03:36

There's a Ferrari. I cannot believe it.

1:03:361:03:39

-Meanwhile...

-Avenue of the Americas is here!

1:03:481:03:51

That's what I want.

1:03:511:03:53

There you go, ha-ha!

1:03:531:03:56

Going to launch my career in America!

1:03:561:04:00

Stuart was quite upset when he finally arrived...

1:04:001:04:02

Oh, ahhh.

1:04:021:04:05

Damn!

1:04:081:04:10

-Disappointed?

-Gutted, actually.

1:04:101:04:12

-Last. In your Beetle.

-Yeah.

1:04:121:04:15

Don't be disappointed.

1:04:151:04:17

Is this the...?

1:04:171:04:19

-James is in there.

-In there?

1:04:191:04:21

You think he's been talking to Letterman, don't you?

1:04:211:04:24

-Yeah.

-Or Good Morning America.

-Yeah.

-It isn't that.

1:04:241:04:27

Inhale, come up. You should feel a beautiful stretch

1:04:281:04:32

in your abductor muscles on the inside of your left thigh.

1:04:321:04:35

Inhale, come up. Bring your arms up to shoulder height.

1:04:351:04:39

Let's turn to the right side.

1:04:391:04:40

Bring your legs out about three to four feet apart.

1:04:401:04:43

So let's inhale.

1:04:431:04:45

Now, start exhaling. Glide your hands down the back of your body.

1:04:461:04:50

Bend your knees if you have to.

1:04:501:04:51

JAMES COUGHS

1:04:511:04:53

-Take a break.

-I'm sorry.

1:04:531:04:55

APPLAUSE

1:04:551:04:57

So there we are.

1:04:581:05:00

There we are, no question at all, the Mercedes was the best car.

1:05:001:05:06

Apart from the fact it was so tail happy, it needed a new set of tyres every 500 yards!

1:05:061:05:10

Look, the Ferrari was the best looking,

1:05:101:05:12

it got me to the studio first, it was the fastest round the track...

1:05:121:05:16

It cost twice as much as the Porsche...

1:05:161:05:18

Listen, Stuart, you are out of this one, OK?

1:05:181:05:20

And we are completely out of time.

1:05:201:05:23

No, we really are. This programme is already 67 minutes long, yes?

1:05:231:05:28

Thing is, though, James is insisting we settle our £5 bet. Here we go.

1:05:281:05:32

Now we'll find out which is the quickest.

1:05:321:05:35

Three, two, one...

1:05:351:05:40

That is a remarkable getaway by the Fezza.

1:05:441:05:47

I've got 563 horse power, he's only got 562.

1:05:491:05:54

Let's see that extra horse!

1:05:541:05:57

Here it comes!

1:05:571:05:59

That is remarkably close! Look at it!

1:06:041:06:08

Come on! Come on!

1:06:091:06:12

I'm going to get him by a nose! Yes! Yes!

1:06:121:06:15

-Close. Really close!

-That was very close.

-Hairy.

1:06:171:06:21

-Want to give it to me now?

-No.

-Hand it over now, come on.

1:06:211:06:24

Hang on, let's settle this, because it was close.

1:06:241:06:27

It was in fact a photo finish. And I have the photo here.

1:06:271:06:31

-Have a look at that.

-Oh.

-Yeah.

-A-ha ha! Oh!

1:06:311:06:35

No, it really was that close!

1:06:351:06:37

-I'm afraid it's a draw!

-Good. I keep my fiver!

1:06:371:06:41

But, on that bombshell, it is now time to end.

1:06:411:06:46

We shall be back on Boxing Day at eight o'clock with our annual Christmas Special,

1:06:461:06:51

in which we are the three wise men and we go from the East - Iraq,

1:06:511:06:54

to be precise - to the birthplace of the baby Jesus in Bethlehem.

1:06:541:06:59

We hope to see you then, but in the meantime, please have a very, very happy Christmas. Goodnight!

1:06:591:07:05

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:07:111:07:14

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1:07:141:07:17

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