Bruce Almighty

This film contains some strong language

-Can we get a recap?

-The Kowolskis have owned this shop for 30 years.

They're attempting to set a record by making Buffalo's largest cookie.

-Wear this.

-A hairnet?

-Health Department.

If you're working around the cookie you must have it on.

I just did the hair. It's perfect. All right, give it to me.

God, why do you hate me?

We're rolling. And speak...

For three decades the Kowolski family bakery has been a mainstay

in downtown Buffalo.

Known for their sinfully sweet cream-filled pierogis,

and the occasional sugar-induced coma that follows.

But today, in honour of their 30th anniversary,

they've invited us to ride along as they go for the record

on Buffalo's biggest cookie.

Vol. Vol...

D'you need a tissue?

Can we get Vol a tissue? Or a spoon?

Good thing I'm wearing this.

I wouldn't want stray hairs to fall into the booger.

-Are we going again?

-No. We'll cut to b-roll.

-Moving on!

So tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

Well, man from Health Department

say he find rat pellet in our pastry,

but I say no, is big chocolate sprinkle.

But he shuts store down.

So we clean up, make big cookie for to bring customers back.

I admire your candour. Let's try that again, shall we?

So tell me, Mama, why make Buffalo's biggest cookie?

-So the children of the neighbourhood will be happy?

-That's right.

It must be wonderful seeing the smiles on their little faces.

I work in back. I see no smiles.

The previous Buffalo record was 8'7", baked by Gladys Pelsnick.

If this cookie beats Gladys's it'll prove, once and for all,

that the Kowolskis have much more free time.

And the cookie is 10ft 4 inches! We have a new record!

Cue to cheesy inspirational music!

MUSIC: "Chariots Of Fire" by Vangelis

What are we really looking at here? Is it just a big cookie,

or does it represent the pride of Buffalo?

Its dedicated and hard-working citizens the key ingredient,

with a few nuts thrown in. And, finally, the love of our families,

which provides the warm, chewy centre,

making our beloved Buffalo the sweetest place to live.

And that's the way the cookie crumbles.

-I'm Bruce Nolan, Eyewitness News.

-And cut!

->

-Whaddya think?

-I think it's really good.

It sucks. It's a story about a cookie.

-The Pillsbury Dough Boy will be riveted.

-Ohh. It was funny.

-Nothing wrong with making people laugh.

-I'll never be an anchorman.

The job's there but I can't reach it. When they make me do stuff like this,

I must act like a goof for it to work. I have no credibility.

-Oh.

-Not good, not good.

-Now you're sounding silly.

Forget it. It's not important. Right?

-Let's watch it one more time.

-No.

-Just once more.

-No!

-Please?

-No!

-You promised you'd help with this photo album.

-Grrr!

-Now you get your goofy butt over here.

-Mm...

-Nah-uh.

SHE LAUGHS

OK, all right.

You just go through this stack and pick your favourites.

Oh, come on, this is fun, right? Isn't this fun? This is nice.

-Evan's gonna get that anchor job.

-Ohh, Bruce!

-He's the favourite!

-Just forget it.

This is just our life. Some kid can do it for us!

-Whoa! I like this one. Our weekend at the lake.

-How'd you get that?

That's for our private stash.

-You look perky. Must've been cold.

-Give it here!

This can be wallpaper on my computer.

-Give it to me! C'mon!

-No.

-Fine. Do with it what you will.

-I don't care.

-I will do with it what I will.

-Jesus.

I might even send this in to Playboy.

-I hear their layouts can be quite tasteful.

-Give it to me!

-Jesus!

-I don't wanna hurt you!

-Oh, hey!

ALARM BEEPS

-Sweetie, time to get up.

-Mm. Mm-mm.

Good dream. Uh-uh.

The Buffalo Sabres lost again last night to the Toronto Maple Leafs.

Course they did. They're my team. That's the way the cookie crumbles.

There might be something to this cookie line.

All the greatest anchors had their own signature sign-off.

Like, "Wa-lt-er Kron-kite.

"And that's the way it was.

"And that's the way the cookie crumbles."

"And that's the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh!"

SPLASHING

Oh, no! Grace, the dog!

-I'm in the shower!

-Grrr!

Bad dog!

Outside good, inside bad! Outside good!

HE GASPS

Oh, you're done now. Great(!)

B-e-a-utiful!

C'mon, let's go back inside and have a shit.

-What is the dealio?

-We are having a blood drive.

-Creepy.

-Needles, yuk!

-They need my blood. I have a rare blood type. I'm AB positive.

I'm IB positive. I be positive they ain't touching me with no needle. It's just so...

-Helpful and life-saving?

-No, it's your blood.

Blood's supposed to stay inside the body.

Besides, they stockpile it in a warehouse.

-It's frozen and we're told there's a shortage.

-Where'd you hear that?

A friend of a girl whose sister's going out with someone high up

in the government. But, for your own protection, I cannot discuss it.

-Now get out before they see us together.

-Oh, no.

-Here, hold on. You need these more than I do.

-What is "these"?

Prayer beads. The kids made them for me. They'll keep you safe.

I hope they're powerful. I need a miracle to get to work on time.

HORNS BLARE

This isn't happening. Not now, not during sweeps week.

Not during sweeps week!

PAGER BEEPS Oh, God!

Yep, yep, meeting's started without me.

This is my luck. THIS is my luck!

Oh, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon, c'mon!

Argh! Ohh! Jesus!

"Are you blind?" No, but I'm late.

Is your child in dire jeopardy? Find out tonight after the game.

-Promos are approved.

-Jack? Shouldn't we be focusing on Pete's retirement?

-This is his last week.

-Any word on the open anchor position?

-Evan, when I know something, you'll know something.

-Sorry I'm late.

Traffic was... Did you already play the spots?

It's a nice story, but we're going with Evan's piece.

-The sex scandal in the Mayor's office for sweeps.

-Oh, yeah. Sweeps.

-That's the way the cookie crumbles.

-THEY GIGGLE

I'm just messing with you.

You just gotta remember that the news room is like a big cookie.

THEY ALL LAUGH

-D'you like jazz, Evan?

-Yeah.

-Let me play something for you.

HE PLAYS A JAZZ TUNE, THEY LAUGH

-I can hold that note all day.

-Stop it, guys.

Bruce, your story's in reserve.

Now back to the board so we'll have something to put on air TODAY.

Great choice, Jack. This is the Cadillac of baloneys.

-Can I talk to you?

-Sure. What d'you need?

-Sweeps.

-Bruce...

-Jack, Jack. Hear me out. I'm getting desperate.

I'm pushing 40. What have I gotta show for it? I've hit a ceiling.

There's an anti-Bruce barrier I can't get past.

And Evan's loving it. He gets the stories, gets all the sweeps.

-Maybe I should be more like him.

-He's an asshole.

-I can be an asshole.

No, Bruce, you can't.

-Are you gonna pick that up?

-Yeah, I'm sorry.

-It's just this anchor thing opening up has got me nuts.

-Hi, Susan.

-Hi, Susan.

-Hi, Jack.

Look, Bruce, you're a good reporter. You make people laugh.

I tell you what. Today's the 156th anniversary of the Maid Of The Mist.

-Be at Niagara Falls in an hour.

-That's always live.

-Mm-hm.

-Evan always does the live feeds.

-Now you both get the live feeds.

-I'm going live during sweeps?

-Mm-hm.

-Watch your step. I've seen your out-takes.

-You'll not regret this.

And I won't forget you when I go national. Can you...?

-Thanks, pal.

-'Can I have your wish now?'

I'll put it in the wish jar. OK, put your wish in there.

-Me too.

-Put your wish in there.

It looks like a big wish. Oh, no, Martin, don't eat that!

Don't put that in your mouth. That's paste, honey. Ooh!

That must've tasted awful.

-Mommy!

-Oh, Zoe. Did you have a good time with Aunt Gracie today? Yeah?

See how nice this is? Baby on the hip.

It's amazing. You've become Mom. The transformation is complete.

-PHONE RINGS

-I'll get it.

-'Small Wonders Daycare.'

-Grace?

-No, Debbie, the sister whose life you're not wasting.

-Oh, OK, OK.

-'Bye, Debbie!'

-Hi. Sorry, Debbie forgot to take her meds today.

Where are ya?

A little place called the winner's circle.

-I'm at the falls doing a live report.

-Live? That's great!

It's happening. I got sweeps and I'm live.

They're seeing if I can think on my feet,

-like in a live news anchor situation.

-Oh, my gosh.

It's what we've always talked about. Jack practically told me.

-Practically?

-He didn't spell it out. But legally he can't.

This happened to Susan Ortega just before she was bumped up to the desk.

-It's good. It's gooo-od.

-I don't want you getting too ahead of yourself.

-Bruce?

-Gotta go! They're calling me in.

-Good luck. I love you.

Love, love, love, love.

Let's do it.

-They want you close to the falls.

-I'm gonna get soaked.

That's the point. Put this on.

-Part of the condition of us getting the exclusive.

-You know what?

Nothing can bother me today. Nothin'!

-OK, remember, it's their 156 year anniversary, 149 capacity.

-Right.

They cater to tourists, honeymooners...

And people who are insanely thirsty. I get it.

And you're gonna interviewing Irene Dansfield.

Irene, pleasure to meet you. Truly. You look beautiful.

Irene's mother rode on the maiden voyage.

-Rub that in my face.

-90 seconds!

-90 seconds? Holy hell.

OK. 90 seconds. Hoo.

Because of the fast response,

the toxic chemicals were cleaned up without incident. Susan?

Bruce Nolan's live at Niagara Falls. But, before we go to Bruce, we have an announcement to make.

As everyone knows, after 33 years Pete Fineman's retiring.

His shoes are virtually impossible to fill, but the show must go on.

And we could think of no one better than our very own Evan Baxter.

Argh.

Oh, boy!

-Congratulations.

-Thanks. I'm thrilled and honoured.

As you said, no-one can replace Pete. But I'll do my best.

I'm so proud to be a part of our local community of Buffalo,

and, in a lot of ways, a great city's like a great recipe.

You take hard-working citizens, some care givers, maybe a few nuts...

..all sprinkled with the love and support of our good families.

-Ultimately, that makes one sweet place to live.

-That was amazing.

I meant it. I wish I'd written something.

-We go live to wacky Bruce Nolan out at Niagara Falls.

-Hey, wacky Bruce.

-Bruce? Talk, Bruce.

-Talk. What's going on?

-We got a Walt Disney.

-He's frozen solid.

-They may not have audio. Check the feed.

-We may be having technical difficulty.

-Feed's good.

C'mon, c'mon. Talk, Bruce, damn it. Get ready to pull the plug.

Oh, c'mon, baby. Say something.

Bruce, talk.

-Hi, Susan.

-Oh, thank you, God.

Bruce Nolan here aboard the Maid Of The Mist in fabulous Niagara Falls.

First off, let me just add another congratulations to Evan Backstabber,

pardon me, Bastar... Baxter, rather.

It's good to see what someone with real talent can do

when great opportunities are given to them instead of me.

I'm here with Katherine Hepburn's mom. Why'd you throw

the blue Heart of the Ocean jewel over the railing of the Titanic?

Did you feel bad letting Leo DiCaprio drown while you were on the big door?

Could you have taken turns, or were you too afraid to freeze?

Ohh!

That's how life is. Some people are drenched,

freezing to death on a stupid boat with a stupid hat,

while others are in a comfy studio getting all the glory. No big deal.

Oh, look, it's the owner of the boat. Let's talk with him.

-Come here, Bill.

-Sorry.

-Let's talk.

-What are you doing?!

You've been running this boat for 23 years.

-Why didn't I get the job?

-I don't want any problems.

Is it my hair? Are my teeth not white enough? Or, like the great falls,

is the bedrock of my life eroding beneath me?! Eroding!

Eroding!

Eroding!

-Cut to feed.

-Go to black.

-I'm on it.

I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness News. Back to you, fuckers!

Oh, boy.

Oh, my God!

Ohh! That is perfect.

That is the motivation that I needed! Right there! Thank you!

Thank you, WKBW!

Wimpy Kitty Baby Whiners! That's what that stands for!

I'll see you on Channel Five,

where they do the real news!

THEY ALL TALK AT ONCE

-Do I look blind to you?

-Hey!

Let's go, man. Come on, let's go.

What are you doing over there?

Leave the poor guy alone! ..Are you OK, man?

-Yeah, you better keep walking.

-What?! What did you say?

Run, man! RUN!

Oh, God!

OK, OK! I didn't mean it! I was just kidding!

-Hey, you forgot your things.

-That's right.

Say something now! Say something!

B-e-a...

utiful!

HE GROANS That's what I get...

That's what I get for trying to help someone.

Oh, don't look at me, Walter.

Oh, no!

Well, that's my payment, I guess.

That's... That is my reward.

Just?

Just get a clue!

-Thank God you're all right.

-God, yeah. Let's thank God, shall we?

For his blessings are raining down upon me. Wait! That's not rain!

Please don't do that. Everything happens for a reason.

That's a cliche. That's not helpful.

A bird in the hand's worth two in the bush. I have neither!

-God has taken them away.

-I see. God's picking on you. Is that what you're saying?

No! He's ignoring me completely.

He's too busy giving Evan everything he wants.

SPLASHING

Great. But you missed. I'm over here!

-Don't get mad at him. It's not his fault.

-It's God's fault.

-I gave him the wrong co-ordinates.

-Stop being such a martyr!

But I'm a victim! God's a mean kid sitting on an anthill

with a magnifying glass. I'm the ant.

He could fix my life in five minutes but he'd rather watch me squirm!

I know you're mad. It's understandable.

What Evan did is slimy and wrong.

-But this day could've been so much worse. I'm just glad you're OK.

-OK?

News flash! I'm not OK. I'm not OK with a mediocre job!

I'm not OK with a mediocre apartment! I am not OK with a mediocre life!

Is that what you think we have? A mediocre life?

-Don't make this about you.

-About me? How could I make this about me?

-It's about you. It's always about you.

-Perfect.

I'll have the worst day of my life with a side order of guilt, please!

DOOR SLAMS

Agh.

OK, God, You want me to talk to you?

Then talk back. Tell me what's going on. What should I do?

Give me a signal. Oh, I need your guidance, Lord.

Please, send me a sign!

Oh, what's this joker doing now?

OK, all right, I'll try it your way.

All right, Lord,

I need a miracle.

I'm desperate. I need your help, Lord.

Please, reach into my life...

Argh! What the...

Where are ya?

Got ya! Ha-ha!

Argh!

HE GROANS

Hey!

HE LAUGHS

Aaaaarrrgh!

Fine!

The gloves are off, pal! Come on.

Let me see a little wrath! Smite me, oh mighty smiter!

You're the one who should be fired!

The only one around here not doing his job is you! Answer me!

PAGER BEEPS

Sorry, don't know ya.

Wouldn't call you if I did.

Ohh!

PAGER BEEPS

Oh, God.

Hello, 5-5-5 0-1-2-3.

SPLASHING

No, no! Sam! This has gotta stop!

All right, get it straight here.

That's the house, this is the bathroom.

House, bathroom. Bathroom, house. House, bathroom. Bathroom, house.

What's the point? PAGER BEEPS

-5-5-5 0-1-2-3.

-'Denied that promotion? Is life unfair?

'Is there someone less talented than you reaping all the benefits?

'Is your name Bruce? Then do we have the job for you.

'We're located at 77-256 23rd Street.

'So come on down, or we'll just keep beeping you.'

"Omni Presents."

Oh, yeah. The glass is half full. Whoa! Jeez!

Ohh! Come on! Look!

What is that?!

What is that?!

Gah! Jeez! Thank you! Thank you again!

What the...?

You're looking for room seven.

-Yeah, I figured.

-D'you want me to even those up?

How do I get to room seven?

Seventh floor. Stairs are right over there.

-I'd rather take the elevator.

-Out of order.

-I love the stairs, though.

-My second choice.

-D'you mind giving me a hand with this floor?

-What?

That's good. Are you serious?

Oh, uh, I'm kind of busy. Um, rain check.

I'll hold you to it.

I'm free on the seventh at seven!

Seventh at seven it is.

This looks promising.

CLUNK!

Hello?

Another hugantic,

ginormic waste of my life.

Hello?!

-Yo, I'm looking for whoever runs this joint!

-Be right with ya!

I'm trying to fix a light. Tell me if it's working.

-Yeah, seems to be. Kinda bright, though.

-Yeah, it is for most people.

Spend their lives in the dark trying to hide from me.

-Oh, the elevator's broken, huh?

-Yeah, but I'll get around to it.

-You installed a clapper?

-No, but catchy jingle, isn't it?

Clap on, clap off, clap on, clap off, the Clapper!

-Can't get it out of my head.

-Good luck with that. I'm gonna go now.

OK. But the boss'll be right out.

Eh, you must be Bruce. I've been expecting you.

This is hilarious.

So, you're the boss, the electrician and the janitor.

It must be a killer Christmas party. Don't get drunk.

One of you might need a ride home. Ah-ha!

You always were funny, Bruce. Just like your father.

He didn't mind rolling up his sleeves, either.

People underestimate the benefit of manual labour.

There's freedom in it.

Some of the happiest people go home smelling to high heaven.

How d'you know my father, and how did you get my pager number?

Oh, I know quite a lot about you, Bruce.

Just about everything there is to know.

Everything you've ever said or done or thought about doing

right there in that filing cabinet.

-Wow, a whole drawer just for me.

-Yeah.

-Mind if I take a look?

-It's your life.

This oughta be good.

CLUNK! Aaaaarrrrrrrrgh!

HE COUGHS

Now, this last entry was a little disturbing.

Aaaaarrrrrgh!

Aaaaaarrrrrgh!

HE GROANS

"The gloves are off, God. God has taken my bird and my bush.

"God is a mean kid with a magnifying glass.

"Smite me, oh mighty smiter."

Now, I'm not much for blaspheming, but that last one made me laugh.

Are you spying on me?

Who are you?

-I am the One.

-Huh?

-Creator of the heavens and the Earth.

-Alpha and Omega.

-Oh, I see where this is going.

Bruce,

-I am God.

-Bingo! Yahtzee! Is that your final answer?

Our survey says God! Bing, bing, bing, bing, bing, bing!

It was nice to meet you, God. Thank you for the Grand Canyon,

and good luck with the Apocalypse. Oh, by the way, you suck!

You shouldn't have used the cheesy filing cabinet illusion.

Anybody with a brain stem can tell that drawer's being fed through

the wall from the other side.

All you have to do is find the crease. There is a seam here.

Or a hollow spot.

Where? Through the dry wall and concrete?

OK, that's a good one. That's a good one.

-How many fingers am I holding up?

-Thou shalt not tempt the Lord.

-If you can't do it, cool.

-Three. Two. Four. Nine. Six. Eight. One.

OK.

-How many now?

-Seven.

-Ah-ha!

Agh!

-How?

-You've been complaining about me. I'm tired of it.

Keep away. When backed into a corner I'm like a wild animal. I'll hurt you, out of instinct.

You haven't won a fight since grade five, and that was against a girl.

-But she was huge. She'd been held back.

-And the sun was in your eyes.

-Ah, the ego. I brought you here to offer you a job.

-What job?

-My job.

You think you can do it better, so here's your chance.

-When you leave this building you'll be endowed with all of my powers.

-Sure. Whatever you say, pal.

OK. That did not happen. No one needs to hear about it.

I'm deleting the programme.

No, no. I'm having a breakdown, that's what it is.

Normal, everyday psychotic episode. Caused by a tumour or brain lesion.

Come on, start! ENGINE STARTS

That was lucky.

Come on, now. Calm down.

You did not meet God. You do not have his powers.

If that was God, I'm Clint Eastwood. GUNSHOT

Holy hell!

TYRES SCREECH

Be careful what you wish for... punk.

No! Uh-uh! Nope! Nope! I am a reasonable, sane human being

with a .44 Magnum, the most powerful handgun in the worl...

I'm not Clint Eastwood, I'm Bruce Nolan.

Bruce Nolan. I'm Bruce... No!

-Coffee?

-Yeah. Uh, coffee, yeah.

-We have a special on soup.

-No, that's fine. Thank you.

-It's tomato. Uh, I made it myself.

-OK.

OK.

HE GASPS

Argh...

Excuse me, I need a spoo...

Agh.

It's OK, I found one.

-Here's your soup.

-Oh, soup, right. Uh, yeah, right.

DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS

WIND HOWLS

-Having fun?

-Aargh!

-Thy... Thou...

-Come, take a closer walk with me.

Let me explain the rules.

-Rules?

-You left in such a rush I didn't get a chance to explain.

Two extra fingers freaked me out a bit.

I figured I'd get your attention.

I did the same to Gandhi. He didn't eat for three weeks.

Here's the deal. You have all my powers. Use them any way you choose.

There are two rules. You can't tell anybody you're God.

You don't want that kind of attention.

-And you can't mess with free will.

-Uh-huh. Can I ask why?

Yes, you can! That's the beauty of it.

-This is amazing...

-Speaking of amazing, excuse me.

Oh.

-Holy sh... Cow.

-Since you're through with these, I think I'll keep 'em.

Might come in handy some day.

See ya around, kid.

-Where are you going?!

-I'm taking a vacation.

God doesn't take vacations. Does he? Do...ye?

Ever hear of the Dark Ages? Besides, I'm covered.

You can clear everything up in five minutes if you want to. Right?

Ciao.

Eeeee!

MUSIC: "The Power"

-HE MIMES

-# I've got the power... #

Boom! SCREAMING

-# ..I've got the power... #

-Ooh!

-And he saw that it was good!

# ..I've got the power... #

Whoa.

SIZZLING

-# ..I've got the power... #

-B-e-a-utiful!

HE EXHALES

-Hey, check it out.

-Hey, check it out!

Look, it's the hero. Whassup, homie?

Yo, brethren, what up with thee? Blessings on your alley.

-Lookin' for another can of whup ass?

-You didn't get enough?

-He wants some more!

-Surely, I say unto you dudes, I do not wish to fight.

Once you apologise and make a full reckoning of your transgressions,

I shall absolve you and continue along the path of righteousness.

-THEY LAUGH

-What are you talking about?!

-You sound like Ben Hur.

You talk kinda funny. I don't know if you've lost it.

-You want us to apologise?

-Mm-hm.

We'll apologise the day a monkey comes out my butt,

-then you get your sorry.

-THEY ALL LAUGH

What a coincidence! Because that's today.

HE GASPS

LOW GROWL

MONKEY SCREECHES

Hey, did that monkey just come out your crack, man?

-Oh.

-Es el Diablo.

-This is some voodoo shit, man! Vamanos!

-Let's go!

Are you guys leaving?

Hey! Don't forget your parting gifts!

BUZZING

MONKEY CHATTERS

Hey, little anal-dwelling butt monkey.

Time for you to go home, little buddy.

No! No!

No! Argh!

I am Bruce Almighty!

My will be done!

THUNDER

# What if God was one of us?

# Just a slob like one of us?

# Just a stranger on a bus trying to make his way...ho-ome? #

-My God.

-You can call me Bruce.

What happened to you? You seem so...

-..happy.

-Why shouldn't I be?

-On a night like this.

-Wow! Those are amazing. What are these?

A new breed. A cross-pollination between tulips and daisies.

I call them...tudaisies.

OK.

Honey, these flowers are really beautiful. But last night...

Last night I was only human.

Barry, help me out here.

MUSIC: "Never, Never Gonna Give You Up" by Barry White

# Oh, baby

# Girl, I'll do

# Forever and ever Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah

# I'll see you through

# Make love to you right now

# That's all I wanna do

# Cos I found... #

-LOUD RUMBLE

-# ..What the world is searching for

# For someone just like you Make me feel the way you do

# Never, never gonna give you up I'm never, ever gonna stop

# Not the way I feel about you I just can't live without you... #

-Hi. Wow! I've never seen the moon that big.

-Yeah.

-Oh.

-We really shouldn't waste it.

-Oh.

Bedroom?

Five minutes.

MUSIC: "The Rockafeller Skank" by Fatboy Slim

Let there be light.

I'll be out in a minute!

Don't rush yourself.

Sometimes anticipation can heighten the...pleasur-r-re.

Oh, God! Oh, oh!

-It's a funny thing about...pleasure.

-Wow.

It can be quite...

-PLEASURABLE!

-Ohh!

Oh, my God.

-Pleasuring, pleasurable, pleasuring.

-Oh, God! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh, good God!

Japanese relief workers are staging a desperate effort to rescue

hundreds of people stranded by a tidal wave that hit Kitamoto City.

Scientists say the tsunami may have been caused

by what they're describing as unusual lunar activity.

More on this as it develops.

JUMBLED DREAM-LIKE VOICES

Please bless my mommy, my daddy, and especially my little sister.

Please help me, Lord. Please get me through this one.

All I'm asking you is that you help me.

Thank you for everything else in my life. Amen.

Sam!

SPLASHING

TOILET FLUSHES

Good boy.

Ah!

Forget something?

Mm. Good boy! There are girls in the house, huh?

SHE SQUEALS Morning.

Good morning. I made you grilled cheese.

Ooh! My favi.

-Honey, last night was just...

-Heavenly. I know, I know.

I woke up this morning and I felt like my boobs were bigger.

-I mean, do they look bigger to you?

-Uh, what? Ner, hm?

-No, er, bigger?

-Oh, come on! Look at them.

Please. They are definitely bigger. I mean, look. They feel huge to me.

Listen, I have to go. But this has been the breast bek. Breast...

-Thank you.

-Where are you going?

-To get my job back.

-Ohh.

# Oh, yeah, yeah, I am great

# Yeah, yeah, I am... #

Good grief, is that what I'm driving? Mm.

ENGINE ROARS

-Whoa! Nice car, man.

-Yeah, it gets me from to A to B.

TYRES SCREECH

Oh, darn. All this horsepower and no room to gallop!

Hi-ho, Silver! Away!

-Go!

-Get him!

-I wouldn't wanna be a fugitive on the run with Hank,

Buffalo's number one police dog on the job.

I'm reporting from the police canine training centre, Channel Five News.

And cut it.

Hey. Look what the cat coughed up.

-Channel Seven, right? You're the guy that went crazy.

-I had a bad moment.

-What are you doing here?

-Just looking for a story.

No story here. This pond's all fished out.

-Pretty standard stuff anyway.

-I dunno.

-My instinct tells me there's something more.

-Go with that.

-It served you well in the past(!)

-THEY ALL LAUGH

DOG BARKS

Hey! Hank found something!

-Hey! We got a body!

-Over here!

-Get the camera! Now!

-It's locked, and the keys are inside!

-I guess every dog has his day. Hey, kid, wanna make 10 bucks?

-Sure.

-Know how to use one of these?

-Duh!

-Seems to be in tune. Let's do this.

Jimmy Hoffa's body was uncovered in a field

outside of a canine training centre in Buffalo.

-Bruce Nolan was the first on the scene.

-Thanks.

The body's being carefully exhumed and will be transported

to a medical facility where DNA testing can confirm the identity.

That, however, merely a formality, as, in a bizarre twist,

the body was found buried with a birth certificate and dental records.

I'd call that a red-letter day for any canine unit,

but was that enough for Hank? No siree.

Moments later he busted a local news camera crew with 220lbs of marijuana.

I never saw it before! I swear!

I'm Bruce Nolan, and that's the way the cookie crumbles.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Yeah! Did you like that?

-Yes, thank you, thank you.

-Hi, Bruce.

-Oh, hi, Susan.

-Good work.

I'm impressed.

-Jack, did you need me?

-Bruce! Just the man I wanna see.

-Hoffa? What are the odds of that?

-What are the odds of that?

-Why don't you sit down?

-OK.

-I'll be straight with you.

We want you back. It wasn't my decision to let you go.

-When the big guy gives the order...

-No harm, no foul.

I needed time to reassess my goals.

-You did that in a day?

-Imagine what I could do with seven!

It's not in my power to give you anchor.

As far as field reporting goes, if you're looking for a bump...

Let's cut the crap and get down to brass tacks.

I had you going, Jackie.

Don't even worry about it, my old friend.

You give me a camera, I'll give you the news.

MUSIC: "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis Presley

My secret is that I let the jalapenos marinate in a spicy sauce

for at least 24 hours before I stir it into the chilli.

Then I let it all come to a simmer.

BOOM!

Ooh!

Hold that thought, Hazel!

It seems as if an asteroid or some kind of meteorite

has hit ground right outside the Mark Twain Chilli Cook-Off!

This should certainly spice things up a bit!

His stories are all over town...

-..from unearthing Jimmy Hoffa...

-..to a meteor crashing to Earth...

..Bruce Nolan is rapidly becoming known as...

# A little less conversation A little more action guaranteed... #

SHE GASPS

DOG BARKS

ALL: And that's the way the cookie crumbles!

GROANING

-This is Bruce's idea?

-He said he wanted me to have a day of beauty

and luxurious serenity.

I gotta tell you, he's really impressing me lately.

-You know where he's taking me to dinner tonight?

-Mm? Where?

The Blue Palm?

-Mm.

-Oh, my gosh. I just got chills.

He told me to prepare for the most memorable night of our lives.

-Oh, my gosh. Grace, he's gonna propose.

-Oh, stop it!

-No... Really?

-Yeah, really. C'mon, do the math.

He sends you to a beauty spa, he's taking you to a romantic restaurant

where you had your first date. Hello?

I never thought I'd say this, but he's right. This is your big night.

-Enjoy it.

-Oh, God...

-BONES CRUNCH

-Ow... Wow.

Welcome to Eyewitness News At Six, with Susan Ortega,

Evan Baxter, Fred Donohue, sports.

Dallas Coleman, weather. And now, Buffalo's number one news team.

Welcome to Eyewitness News At Six. I'm Susan Ortega.

I'm Evan Baxter, and here's what's making news.

A potential scandal with the Buffalo PD surfaced today, when the mayor

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-..demanded...

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-HIGH-PITCHED:

-..when the mayor demanded...

-..the mayor demanded the chief...

-HE CLEARS THROAT

..issue a response to allegations... Sorry, I have something stuck in...

Get him some water.

-My new co-anchor needs a glass of water.

-HIGH-PITCHED LAUGH

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Oh. There we go. Sorry about that.

In other news, the prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,

-and my tiny little nipples went to France.

-What did he just say?

Check the prompter.

The prompter's fine.

Evan, read the copy. The copy's good. Just read it.

The White House reception committee

greeted the prime rib roast minister,

and I do the cha-cha like a sissy girl.

I lika do

da cha-cha.

I'm sorry, we seem to be having some technical difficulties.

-In other news...

-FART-LIKE NOISES

-My apologies.

-HE CLEARS THROAT

HE TALKS GIBBERISH

CONTINUES TALKING GIBBERISH

Doo doo ca ca poo poo.

Pee pee! Myah!

HE LAUGHS

# If I ruled the world

# Every day would be the first day of spring

# Every heart would have a new song to sing

# And we'd sing of joy every morning would bring

# If I ruled the world

# Every man would be as free as a bird... #

-May I?

-Certainly.

Oh, God!

# Every voice would be a voice to be heard... #

It's perfect. She'll love it.

# ..We would treasure each day that occurs... #

You know, I was gonna wait until after the meal,

-but it'll burst out of me like an alien if I don't do it now.

-Oh, God.

Oh, my God. This is it, isn't it? I don't know...

I don't know if I'm ready for this. I mean, I'm ready.

I just didn't know... I didn't think... Sorry, go on.

-I didn't know this was so important to you.

-Me, neither. Me, neither.

Oh.

-Grace?

-Yes?

-Grace?

-Yes?

I got anchor.

Huh!

Yes. Apparently, it wasn't working out with Evan.

So, he's gonna finish out the week and I go live on Monday.

-That's great, honey.

-I know, I know.

Wow.

-So, that's what this is all about?

-Well, yeah. We got anchor.

-Jack's throwing me a party at the Vanderbilt estate to celebrate. What's the matter?

-Nothing.

'Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep...'

-I feel stupid.

-It's loud in here.

-'Please, Lord...'

-It's not loud.

Jeez! Can you keep it down to a dull roar?! Thanks!

-Is that supposed to be funny? Cos it's not.

-What are you saying?!

-What is wrong? Stop yelling.

-LOUD VOICES CONTINUE

Uh, can you excuse me? I think I'll take a little trip to the, uh...

The wine is going right through me!

-I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

-Keep going, Tony! You're great!

-Oh, God...

VOICES CONTINUE

What is going on here? What is this? Give me a break!

Really something, isn't it?

-Is this heaven?

-No, this is Mount Everest.

You should flip on the Discovery Channel from time to time.

But I guess you can't now, being dead an' all.

-I'm dead?!

-Nah, I'm just messing with you!

That's not funny, man! That's not funny!

And what about the voices in my head?! Is that part of the hilarity?!

No, those are prayers. Keep ignoring them,

-they'll build up on you like that.

-But it's just noise.

-I can't understand them.

-You're not listening, son. Let's see.

You've had my powers for just over a week.

How many people have you helped?

I took care of a few things. Righted a few wrongs in my own life first.

-I was gonna help the others. I could help the world.

-The world?

-Mm-hm.

That wasn't the world.

-That was just Buffalo, between 57th Street and Commonwealth.

-Oh.

I didn't want to start you off with more than you could handle.

You took the job, so I suggest you get to it.

'Seeing him smile made me so happy.'

Prayers, prayers, OK, prayers.

Uhhh! This creepy whisper thing has to end.

Organisation and management, that's what I need.

I need a system, something concrete.

Concentrate. Files.

Let all prayers be organised into files.

Well, that takes care of the voices.

Not exactly a space saver, though.

Grace might notice. I know. Prayer Post-Its!

DOG BARKS

Shh!

OK, I need something with a lock. Security combination, password.

Password!

# Yahweh! #

Welcome to the revelation superhighway.

We bless, no mess. Downloading now.

It's good. It's goo-ood.

This is gonna take a while.

1,527,503 prayer requests?

I better manifest some coffee.

Hola! Juan Valdez!

-Buenos dias.

-Buenos dias.

-Disfrute un buen cafe.

-Gracias, senor.

-Adios.

DONKEY BRAYS Adios.

DOG BARKS

Ahh!

Now, that's fresh mountain-grown coffee from the hills of Colombia.

LONG BURP

OK, I had to have made some kind of a dent by now.

Oh, come on! Agh! What a bunch of whiners.

This is gonna suck up my whole life. You know what?

Yes. To all.

Yeah. There you go. Now everybody's happy.

I'll drink to that. My tech stocks tripled in five days.

-Y'know something? You seem taller.

-I am.

-My daughter pitched a no-hitter.

-I lost 47lbs on the Krispy Kreme diet.

Hey! There he is! The man of the hour!

Bless you! Bless all of you!

Be fruitful and do long division or something!

Hey, try that. It's an excellent year.

Hey, Bruce! Who d'you like in the game tonight?

-I like the Sabres. Coach prays a lot.

-OK!

MUSIC: "God Gave Me Everything" by Mick Jagger

PHONE RINGS

'This is Bruce, Grace and Sam. Leave a message.'

Grace? Are you there? It's me.

Hello? Hello, hello, hello, hello. C'mon, Grace, come to the party.

I'll call you later, OK?

DOG WHIMPERS

Come on, Sam.

Help me out here.

Oh, Sam, don't. Come on.

-'Tell me.

-It might not come true.

-'What is it you want, Mary?

'You want the moon? Say the word, I'll throw a lasso around it

'and pull it down. That's a good idea. I'll give you the moon.

-'I'll take it. Then what?

-You swallow it. And it'd dissolve, see?

'The moon beams'd shoot out of your fingers, toes and ends of your hair...'

'Hey, this is Bruce, Grace and Sam.'

Hi, Bruce.

What are you doing in here all alone?

Oh, I was just gonna... Oh, I mean...

I was gonna, uh, give Grace a call.

I didn't see her in there. How are you and Grace doing?

Actually, we had a bit of a fight.

-Kind of... I'm not sure if she's...

-You're on fire, Bruce.

-Hm?

-Yeah. Some women can't handle fire. ..Some can.

That's interesting, cos I never thought we would ever talk...

Mmm... Mmm...

Mm-mm. Mm-mm. Mm-mm.

Grace!

Ahhh!

Ah, you might wanna stop touching me now. It's not a good time. Grace!

Grace! Grace, come here! Don't, Grace.

This is so weird, I was just calling you.

And you thought Susan's mouth was the phone?!

-She kissed me. I'm the kissee.

-You were putting up a big fight!

I tried to fight her off, but she's really strong. OK, I screwed up!

-Can I make it up to you?

-Yeah. Get me a boat.

-What?

-A big boat.

And two big bags of cash. Then I'll be happy. Lots of money and stuff!

Other people want idiotic crap like getting married or having babies

with the man they've loved for five years, but just give me the boat.

No wonder you stayed single! Grace, don't do this.

I'm not doing this. I'm undoing it. I'll be at Debbie's.

-Take care of Sam until I can make arrangements.

-You can't leave me.

I'm the alpha, lady! I'm the omega, baby!

OK, fine! I don't need you!

What's the matter, Bruce? She can't handle a little competition?

Game's been called on account of rain.

ALL SCREAM

A high number of lottery winners has New York officials concerned.

So far, 1,100 winning tickets have been turned in, all, strangely,

from the Buffalo area. More on this story as it develops.

Enjoying your party?

-Nothing like spending quality time with great friends.

-Grace left me.

-Yeah, I know.

-She'll take me back.

She'll take me back, right?

Would you take you back?

Oh... How d'you make somebody love you without affecting free will?

Welcome to my world, son.

If you come up with the answer, let me know.

-ALARM CLOCK BEEPS

-'Rise and shine, Buffalo.

'It's 70 and sunny and the perfect day to forgive Bruce.'

# I don't know much But I know I love you... #

-Bye.

-Have fun.

-You got it.

# Every point of view has another angle

# Every angle has its merits

# Do you ever feel that there is something missing? #

-Can I get a small coffee to go?

-Sure. Just a sec.

'K-Tel Records brings you the 100 greatest love songs of all time.

'You'll hear such classics as All You Need Is Bruce,

'If You Can't Be With The One You Love, Then Love Bruce!

'Do The To Bruce One More Time,

'And who can forget that classic...

'Bruce So Horny, He Love You Long Time.

'Order today, and we'll throw in, at no extra charge,

'the video Sweatin' To Bruce!

'Just dial 1 900-4 Giv Him. That's 1 900-4 Giv Him. Do it now.'

# Do you ever feel that there is something missing? #

Oh, no! Honey, no. Don't put that in your mouth.

That's not food. Go to the bathroom.

Wash out your mouth, wash off your hands.

I swear that kid's gonna poop an ornament.

One more time, you're gonna be in a lot of trouble.

All right, that's it. That's it! ..Hi.

I surrender! I surrender.

-Hi.

-Hi.

-I'm, uh, doing my first anchor tonight.

-Oh, wow. That's great.

-So, how have you been doing?

-Good.

-Yeah?

-Yeah, good.

-Just, um...Debbie won the lottery.

-Oh, yeah? You're kidding.

But I guess so did 400,000 other people, so she only won, like, 17.

I miss you.

OK. I took a first step. Jumped out on a ledge.

-Feeling vulnerable, too.

-Whaddya want me to say?

-Say you love me and want me back.

-No.

-C'mon. What about all the signs?

How'd you know about that? Did you talk to Debbie?

-Would it help if I said I was a complete ass?

-Hey! You said ass!

I was talking about a donkey. I didn't say hole. If I said ass...

No, wait! OK, let's go inside. All right, kids! Everybody inside.

Grace. Please. None of this seems right without you.

SHE SIGHS

Yeah, I gotta go.

Wait!

Huh...

How do you feel now?

Have you completely lost your mind? What, are you drunk?

Yeah, I'm drunk. Drunk with power.

Love me... Love me...

Love me. Love me!

I did.

Yeah, I know. Free will.

More power outages reported, caused by last week's meteorite strike.

Officials are desperately trying to repair several transformers

damaged by the ensuing electrical surge.

The scene nearly turned violent when hundreds of disgruntled

Buffalo residents protested last week's lottery results.

Doomsayers point to last week's strange celestial events

as signs that the world as we know it may be coming to an end.

The world's gone mad.

-Bruce, 30 seconds to air.

-OK.

It's your big debut. How are you feeling?

You know what? I'm fine. Never better. Show must go on, right?

-THEY ALL CHEER

-The Sabres just won the Stanley Cup.

You're kidding me! Was that tonight? That's great, isn't it?

It's getting crazy out there.

-We'll kick live to Fred at the stadium.

-Five seconds to the open.

-This is it. Ready?

-Born that way.

Welcome to Eyewitness News at Six with Susan Ortega,

Bruce Nolan, Fred Donohue, sports.

Dallas Coleman, weather. And now Buffalo's number one news team.

-I'm Susan Ortega.

-I'm Bruce Nolan. And here's what's making news.

-What the hell happened?

-We lost power.

-Transformer's down again.

-Oh, jeez. Ever since that damn meteorite hit.

It's OK, we're back up.

-We apologise for the interruption. Back to the news. Bruce?

-Thank you.

I'm sorry. We're going live to HSBC Arena,

-where the Buffalo Sabres have won the Stanley Cup.

-Great.

We're about to uncork some champagne because the Sabres have won

their first championship in 22 years.

What in the blue blazes?

We'll be back with the Sabres' victory in just a hot second.

In other news... Bloody hell!

-What is it now?

-The whole booth is down.

-No, it's not! In other news,

fighting erupted in the Gaza Strip today as Israelis and Palestinians...

-Bruce?

-What?!

-We've got a situation here.

-They're rioting right outside the station.

-(You're kidding.)

The whole town has gone crazy.

-Go on, Bruce, say something.

-Uh, ladies and gentlemen,

this just in,

possibly the biggest breaking news story this town has ever seen.

And I gotta go.

I'm sorry, Jack.

Susan, it's all yours.

Sabres!

Sabres rule!

Down with the lottery!

Repent! The end is near! Repent!

DROWNED OUT BY SHOUTING

The lottery sucks!

I only won 17 bucks!

Channel Seven lies!

Oh, oh, no!

GOD!

God?

Are you here?

Hello?!

I need your help! Clap on!

Clap on!

Clap on! Clap on! Clap on!

Figures!

Well, hello there, Bruce Almighty.

HE LAUGHS

Not as easy as it looks, is it, son? This God business.

They're all out of control. It's me. I don't know what to do.

Well, you're right on time. Seven o'clock.

The seventh at seven.

All righty, then.

-There we are.

-It's good. It's goo-ood.

It's a wonderful thing.

No matter how filthy something gets, you can always clean it up.

There were so many. I just gave 'em all what they wanted.

Yeah. But since when does anyone have a clue about what they want?

So, what do I do?

Parting your soup is not a miracle, Bruce. It's a magic trick.

A single mom who's working two jobs and still finds time

to take her kid to soccer practice, that's a miracle.

A teenager who says no to drugs and yes to an education,

that's a miracle. People want me to do everything for them

when what they don't realise is they have the power.

You wanna see a miracle, son? Be the miracle.

CLUNK!

Wait. Are You leaving?

Yeah, I figure you can handle things now.

-But what if I need you? What if I have questions?

-That's your problem.

That's everybody's problem. You keep looking up.

'Order has been restored in Buffalo after this evening's downtown riot.

'State officials have suspended all lottery sales

'pending further investigation.

'No injuries were reported in the melee.

'However, there were dozens of arrests.'

CAR HORNS BLARE

# I've gotta be honest I think you know

# I've coveted lies and that's OK... #

OK.

-Thanks a million.

-Oh, not a problem.

-God bless.

Bruce giveth, and Bruce taketh away.

If you don't like it, mega-bite me.

-Evan?

-Bruce.

I suppose you're here to gloat about the anchor position.

Go ahead, take your best shot.

Actually, I just came to tell you that I've been a royal prick.

The anchor position is yours. I turned down the job.

Oh, I never really congratulated you in the first place. Congratulations.

Thanks, Bruce.

'In the financial world, normality's returning

'in what's being called a fluke market fluctuation.'

-You made the right move.

-What about you?

-Are you ready to go back out there?

-And do the cutesy stuff?

The lighter side of the news?

Lower and debase myself for the amusement of total strangers?

-Yeah, I could do that. Sounds like fun.

-Good.

Let's do it right, like the other dogs.

I don't wanna make you feel bad, but they're laughing at you.

OK, come on. Concentrate. There. Pump it out if you have to.

What am I gonna do with you?

I know this seems kinda crazy,

but desperate times

calls for desperate measures.

OK. OK, Sammy, do your thing.

That's it. That's it. Good boy!

Training my dog.

Yes! We did it! We did it! Bow wow wow! Yippee-oh, yippee-ay!

We're doing it doggy sty-y-yle!

-I'll alert Penthouse Forum.

-Hi, Deb. How are you?

-How's Grace?

-I didn't come to chat. I came for Grace's stuff.

-You need, er...?

-No, it's OK, I've got it.

I don't, er, I don't know if she...

-I don't know if she wants that or not.

-This is full.

You did all this?

Y'know what I do every night before bed? I tuck my kids in.

Maybe have some ice cream and watch Conan. You know what Grace does?

She prays,

most of the time for you.

The woman does pray a lot.

Find

Grace and Bruce.

Dear God, please help Bruce find himself, find contentment, find you.

Dear God, please help Bruce. He seems to be struggling...

Dear God, give Bruce strength.

Dear God, bless Bruce. Bruce, Bruce, Bruce!

It's her! Sammy, it's her.

She's logging on. She's praying right now.

Grace.

-SOBBING:

-Please, God.

Please...

I still love him. And I don't wanna love him any more.

I don't wanna hurt any more. Please.

Help me forget. Please help me let him go.

Please help me let him go.

THUNDER RUMBLES

SOBBING: You win!

I'm done!

Please! I don't wanna do this any more!

I don't wanna be God.

I want you to decide what's right for me! I surrender to your will!

Ah. Ah.

KLAXON

Huh?

-Am I...?

-You can't kneel in the middle of the highway and expect to live.

But why?

Why now?

Bruce...

you have the divine spark.

You have the gift for bringing joy and laughter to the world.

I know. I created you.

-Quit bragging.

-See? That's what I'm talking about. That's the spark.

-What do you want me to do?

-I want you to pray, son.

Go ahead. Use them.

Um...

Lord,

feed the hungry.

And...

bring peace to...

..all of mankind.

-How's that?

-Great, if you wanna be Miss America.

Now, come on. What do you really care about?

Grace.

Grace.

You want her back?

No.

I want her to be happy... no matter what that means.

I want her to find someone who'll treat her with all the love

she deserved from me.

I want her to meet someone...

..who'll see her always as I do now.

Through your eyes.

-Now that's a prayer.

-Yeah?

Yeah.

It's good.

It's good? BOTH: It's goo-ood.

I'm gonna get right on it.

-Clear!

-Whoa!

-That didn't feel very good.

-Clear!

-He's got a rhythm!

-All right, I got a pulse.

-Let's let him up.

-Get the backboard and brace.

-Yup.

Bruce?

Bruce?

Welcome back.

You're lucky to be alive, son. Someone up there must like you.

I hear all that stuff winds up in a warehouse somewhere.

Grace...

Oh, hi, baby.

Oh, my God, look at you.

-I was such an idiot.

-It's OK. It's OK.

It's OK.

I don't know what I would've done...

God. I swear I wanted to be mad at you forever.

(Now you're just showing off.)

Mmm.

This is Bruce Nolan at Buffalo's first annual

Be-The-Miracle blood drive. It's a b-e-a-utiful day.

So come on down, because the life you save could be mine.

The Kowolskis have baked a special cookie just for this occasion.

Sure it's a little creepy, and a shameless plug, but we love 'em.

Thank you, Mama. Vol, finger, nose.

I will have given blood twice this week.

For those of you who haven't heard,

I'd like to introduce you to the future Mrs Exclusive,

Grace Connelly. There she is.

Look at her! Isn't she beautiful?!

She just gave blood, and still has enough left to fill up her face.

Behind every great man there's a woman rolling her eyes.

I'm Bruce Nolan, with the folks at the blood drive reminding you to...

ALL: Be the miracle!

You heard 'em.

-OK, cut it. Thank you, Bruce.

-Thanks, Ally. Hey.

-How was that?

-That was great. That was really great.

-Now go over there, the nurse is waiting.

-Do I have to?

It won't hurt. In fact, I think you'll find it quite pleasurable.

Ooh, baby.

-# Are you ready for a miracle?

-# Ready as I can be!

-# Are you ready for a miracle?

-# Sent to set you free!

-# Are you ready?

-Ready!

-Are you ready?

-Ready!

-# Are you ready?

-Ready!

# Ready for a miracle! #

Who can take a rainbow, wrap it in a sock?

# Soak it in the sun and make a groovy lemon pie! #

-# Oompa!

-Loompa!

# Doompa... #

Oh, jeez.

-LAUGHTER

-I'm sorry.

-I'm a very rare blood type. I'm AB positive.

-Hm.

Sounds delicious.

There are storehouses all over the world,

all over the, yeah, with tons of stuff on ice and... Sorry.

You're like this. Sorry, go on.

-Positive, IB positive. OK, sorry, sorry.

-I have a rarie...

Ohh! She has a rarie. LAUGHTER

My blood's needed. I have a rare type. AB negative.

-I'm IB positive.

-Am I AB negative?

-I don't know what you are.

I may need a frickin' miracle to get to work on time... Aaargh!!

Sorry.

CLUNK!

CLUNK! Oh, shit.

Shit.

APPLAUSE

That will work.

Other stories in the n-n-n-n-n-n...

The prime minister of Sweden visited Washington today,

and in other n-n-n-n-n...

In other n-n-n-n-n-n...

In other news... Huh-ha-ha!

APPLAUSE

I'm Bruce Nolan for Eyewitness No...

Eyewitness Nose!

OK. And clear! Nagh!

-ALL:

-Be the miracle!

-That's right.

Whoo!

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