Herbie Rides Again

Oof!

LAUGHTER

What a location!

Si. The mighty Colosseum.

The glory of Roma.

Doesn't it stir your... your imagination?

You bet it does, baby! Do you people realise

what a shopping centre it could be? Plenty of parking, too.

Here it is, ladies and gentlemen,

the world's highest office building! Hawk Plaza!

130 storeys of man-made glory!

In a few hours, Hawk Enterprises will break ground on this project.

"How did it happen?" you ask. Here's the man who made it possible!

Thank you, friends. Thank you.

My heart is too full to speak.

Ah, you see,

you've brought a tear to this flinty old eye.

So all I can say is thank you.

Thank you for letting me share a moment of your precious time.

Get those dead-heads out before they drink all my booze.

All right, everyone, to my office...

BUZZER

Hello?

'Mr Barnsdorf, sir.'

Hello, Barnsdorf.

When will it be ready for us to start digging?

What do you mean?

That site's as clean as a...

What's that?!

I thought we got rid of that crummy house months ago!

A small hold-up. Old lady Steinmetz won't sign the papers.

One little beat-up old lady

makes monkeys of the most overpaid lawyers in the land!

C'mon, boys! I expect action. I'd better get it or else!

She doesn't seem to trust us.

Well, of course she doesn't! Look at yourselves.

Your own mothers wouldn't trust you.

What we need is someone so nauseatingly innocent,

so stomach-churningly helpful and so dumb,

anyone would trust 'em!

BUZZER

A Willoughby Whitfield for you.

He says he's your nephew.

'Whoever he is, throw him out. And don't bother me again!'

Say, wait. Is he the dumb-looking kid of my sister's from back east,

goes to law school or something?

He finished law school. He's a full-fledged lawyer.

He's a full-fledged lawyer!

Send him in!

Mr Hawk will see you now.

Oh...

Thank you.

Come in, boy.

Come in!

Isn't he beautiful?

Uncle Alonzo, I hereby present you

with the Furze Law College Humanitarian of the Year award.

Well, well, well. Humanitarian of the Year, eh?

Look, kid, I know such awards go to a lot of strange ducks, but why me?

I was the award committee.

You put in the fix? You took care of your Uncle Alonzo? Smart boy.

I admire anyone who can use juice properly.

Juice?

Yes, juice. How to use muscle, influence.

How to bend things your way.

Oh, no. Goodness, no. It wasn't dishonest.

I thought it over and couldn't think of anyone any more deserving.

How come?

Oh, Mother was always saying what a great man her brother was.

Replacing dirty old buildings with shiny new ones,

sending us fruit at Christmas. You were her idol.

Can't you clowns get out of here?

I'd like to have a nice talk with my...favourite nephew.

When I look into your eyes and see the light of idealism aglow there,

it makes me young again

and ready for battle!

Battle?

Yes, battle! It is never easy for us idealists.

And now I am going to give you a chance

to put that idealism into play on your very first job.

Ohhh...!

Picture, if you will, a tough little old lady

living in a run-down, rat-infested fire house,

bang in the way of our latest civic benefaction.

There are builders who might find it in their hearts

to be vindictive to this old lady.

They might say that... she feeds on the misery of the poor

in that forsaken neighbourhood.

That she rolls drunks, teaches small children to steal,

and make them bring most of the take to her.

Would I, Alonzo Hawk,

Humanitarian of the Year,

stoop to such tactics?!

On the contrary, I would do all I could

to help that tough, no-good, little old lady.

I'd pay a large sum for her worthless land

and provide - at special price to her -

a lifetime lease in Eternity Towers,

that beautiful new haven for old people like her.

It has a gymnasium, a sauna,

and shows Rudolph Valentino movies. A beauty parlour, a hobby centre,

and instead of cooking her heart out

over a hot stove, automatic machines in every hall

will serve everything from pizza to hot chilli.

Wouldn't it make your whole being happy to be part of all that?

When can I start?

Here's the address. Get moving.

-Here.

-Thanks, pal.

Ah, isn't it breathtaking?

Yeah, it's a mess all right.

That guy Hawk ought to be hung.

What?

DOOR BUZZER

I'm coming!

Mrs Steinmetz? I'm Willoughby Whitfield.

I'd like to discuss a little business.

Well, come in, won't you?

I can't. This car has rolled onto my foot.

Oh, dear.

I guess you forgot to set the brake.

Herbie, aren't you ashamed?

Get off Mr Whitfield's foot! Herbie protects me.

Herbie?

But I am capable of taking care of myself.

I was about to make myself

a nice cup of tea. Come in and have one.

Oh, thank you.

I do have to humour Herbie. He used to be a famous racing car.

His driver went to Europe to drive, so he's a bit sensitive.

You can understand that.

Yes. Now to get down to business,

people are worried about you living in this firetrap so I came to...

Fire house, my man, not firetrap.

Fire house, yes. Be that as it may, the least we can do...

MUSIC BLARES

Stop that!

That's downright rude. MUSIC STOPS

Do you know what he was playing?

"Do Not Trust Him, Gentle Maiden." Nothing personal.

-He's a friend of Herbie's.

-A friend of Herbie's?

So is Old 22. You may as well meet all the family while you're here.

Number 22 used to be on the Clay Street line.

BELL CLANGS

Herbie found him in a vacant lot. He'd been used as a chicken house.

He's much happier here, of course.

I understand you have an emotional attachment to this old building...

Oh, indeed I have!

I was married here to my late husband,

Captain Steinmetz of the Fire Service - a hero of the Great Fire.

We understand, Mrs Steinmetz, so Mr Hawk has authorised...

You're from Hawk?! But you have a nice face,

not at all like those ruffians he usually sends around.

If you just look at the size of this cheque, Mrs Steinmetz.

I know nothing about money.

My nephew, Tennessee, usually takes care of me. He used to live here.

He had to rush to Tibet because his guru got sick.

If you'd just look at...

What's a guru?

His teacher. My nephew studies Oriental Philosophy.

It's how he learnt that things have an inner life,

like wind and rain, traffic lights and can-openers

and flowers and cars. That's how Herbie and Tennessee became friends.

This money will last for the rest of your life.

Course, I didn't have to study Oriental philosophy.

I could simply talk to Herbie. It's in the blood.

See you tomorrow!

Believe me, Mr Hawk has your interests at heart.

I have an agreement for you to glance at...

Oh, Nicole.

This gentleman is from Mr Hawk.

How do you do?

CHEERFUL MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, Mr Whitfield! Such a nice young man...

Bothering us again, are they?

Oh, you've hurt your hand.

Oh, on the contrary, it feels marvellous. Mwah!

Are you all right, Mr Whitfield?

What was that?

Nicole Harris, a brave young lady.

She works for the airline.

Last week she laid out a hijacker with a bottle of wine.

If you or Hawk's stooges call again, you'll get worse!

Please, Nicole.

Mr Whitfield and I were having a nice chat.

I'll bet! But isn't it time

for your nap? Mr Whitfield is just going!

Very well. Goodbye, Mr Whitfield, I hope to see you again soon.

-Mrs Steinmetz, you...

-Out. Out!

Have a heart. This is my first job, I can't afford to fail.

I said out...!

Oh, but...

All right. All right.

Miss, you seem sensible.

Living alone in this crummy place is no place for an elderly woman.

What do you mean, alone?

She has me and she has Herbie!

Exactly. That goofy story about this car shows she's coming apart.

So you think it's goofy?

Of course. Don't you?

How would you like to go for a little ride?

I thought you didn't like me.

I'd like you to ride in Herbie.

I'd like that very much.

Well, that's very nice of you.

I'll be ready in a minute.

HORN BLARES

All right, Herbie. Let's go.

Miss Harris, why does an intelligent young woman talk to a car?

People might wonder.

Don't listen, Herbie. Move it.

I understand Mrs Steinmetz - old age has its fantasies.

It only proves she needs Mr Hawk's help.

Remember, Alonzo Hawk sent him.

You and I know better.

Stubborn bolt-bucket! Always doing things your way!

Let's stop kidding. This is an ordinary car,

like a million other ordinary, rather unattractive...

You shouldn't say that, Herbie's sensitive about his looks.

OK, you've had your laugh. Stop now.

He won't stop until you say sorry.

Miss Harris, it upsets me that you try to maintain this fiction...

Ooohhh!

CAR HORNS BLARE

Please, tell Herbie you're sorry.

All right. Herbie, I'm sorry.

Well, what do you think now?

I think you're a skilled driver but I don't want you to drive me again.

You think it's a trick?

Yes.I think it's all a trick.

Well, would you like to drive?

Yes.

Good.

There, you see? As I was saying, this is just an ordinary,

rather stupid-looking...

What do I do now?

Too late. I hope Herbie still has a sense of humour.

Chicken Tournament, jousting today? What's it up to now?

I don't know. It's hard to say sometimes.

'The gallant contenders are taking their place on the field of honour.'

At the north end, the tournament's undefeated champion.

Fearless, brutal,

unforgiving. The Red Knight!

CHEERING

At the south end, his stout-hearted adversary,

the ever-popular

Sir Lancelot!

I hope Herbie's not up to what I think he's up to.

Give the signal, your Majesty.

FANFARE

What are they doing? Seems dangerous.

Hey, what are THEY doing?

I think this is where I get out.

Good idea. I'll join you.

'The victor thus far has demolished

'all who oppose him.'

Surviving champion, your favourite and mine,

the Red Knight!

CHEERING

At the other end, a mysterious new contender.

But names don't matter,

no-one lasts for long

against the Red Knight!

Let the joust begin!

FANFARE

No, Herbie, wait!

I take it all back. I'm sorry.

I believe, Herbie! I believe!

My brave champion! You have won me!

Take me to your kingdom!

You win the bread, man. Three dollars.

Um, I think that I owe you an apology.

Oh, no, I can't stand men who apologise.

Er, well, may I take you to lunch?

All right.

I had an apartment opposite the fire house. I loved it.

Then Alonzo Hawk tore it down, kicked me out.

I bet it wasn't personal...

So I go crazy if I hear his name. How's the jaw?

-It's all right... Oooh!

-I'm sorry.

I didn't know it was your first job for Hawk.

You can't know what a no-good he is.

Miss Harris, you should know...

So, Mrs Steinmetz took me in until I found somewhere to live.

Now I stay on to protect her. I won't let rats from Alonzo Hawk

talk her out of her home.

Miss Harris, be fair...

Fair?! To Alonzo Hawk?! Has he conned you just like everyone else?

Well, I must say...

He built over the lot where the DiMaggios learned baseball!

His factories pollute all the fish in the bay! His skyscraper casts

a cold shadow on a playground all day!

Let me say...

He even kicked 30 Chinese families off Grand Avenue!

Please, Miss Harrison. Uncle Alonzo

would never do that!

Wait a minute.

Uncle?! He's your uncle?!

Yes, that's why...

You rotten swine!

Here's your warm milk, Grandma.

Be sure to drink it. It's very good for you.

Yes, dear. Nicole, I'm still not sure why you hit him with a lobster.

Oh, Grandma, I wish I could stop doing things like that.

I really sort of like him.

I'm glad to hear that.

Brilliant, eligible lawyers don't grow on trees.

Grandma, what are you getting at?

Oh, nothing, dear. I just thought perhaps you could talk things over

with that nice Mr Whitfield.

Nice try, Grandma.

But if I want a young man I'll get him my way.

Yes, I suppose so, dear.

Now stop hatching plots and go to sleep.

Yes, dear.

Goodnight, Grandma.

Goodnight, dear.

Goodnight, Herbie. Pleasant dreams.

'He used to be a famous racing car... A famous racing car...'

'Used to be a famous racing car...'

CHEERING

CHEERING

Uncle Alonzo,

I dropped by to talk to you man to man

so I could look you squarely in the eye.

No, the make-up is due to a black eye.

A girl hit me in the face with a lobster at the mention of your name.

This same wonderful, intelligent,

clear-sighted girl

was able to convince me what kind of a person you are.

I do not hold with you cheating Mrs Steinmetz from her home

so that you may build a concrete ant hill

on the spot where she has known so much happiness. Hmm.

I think you are despicable,

greedy, grasping and wholly without principle or pity.

I also believe you are not a nice person.

If you write my mother, your sister Frieda,

do not tell her I wear make-up as a rule.

I am going back to Missouri,

so you may no longer use me as a cat's paw.

I bid you farewell more in sorrow than in anger.

Please do not send any more fruit for Christmas.

HORN BLARES

HORN BLARES

Goodbye, Grandma!

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Herb.

No hard feelings, OK?

I'm so glad you and Herbie decided to make up.

I'm off for a morning walk. Come along, we can have a chat.

No, I just came to say goodbye.

I'm going home to Missouri.

Oh, what a pity!

Nicole so hoped to see you again. She's a wonderful girl,

even if you don't agree with her.

Oh, I DO agree now. Actually, I'm going to my uncle to tell him

exactly what I think of him.

Why, that's splendid!

It's time he heard the real truth.

Nicole will be thrilled!

Do wait until she comes back.

To be honest, I'm more afraid of her than I am of my uncle.

-Nonsense! She's just high-spirited.

-For sure!

Goodbye, Mrs Steinmetz. Don't weaken about the fire house.

Don't worry, young man.

Call my nephew, wherever he is, and get him here.

Yes, sir. Mr Barnsdorf is holding.

Yes, Barnsdorf, whaddaya want?

Can we dig yet, Hawk? My boys are getting itchy.

I'll tell you when to start digging.

Well, I got some high-price equipment and crews

sitting playing gin rummy and waiting for you.

It's costing you 80 grand a day. Ha, ha!

Just stop bugging me, Barnsdorf.

You'll get the order to start any moment now.

And what do you want?

I'm sorry - your nephew has left his motel.

Whaddaya mean, left?!

When? Where? Who told him he could check out?

How dare he go when he knows I'm worried sick?!

I'll tear his gizzard to pieces!

I'll stomp him! I'll take this letter knife and stab the kid!

You know me, Millicent! Normally I'm a kind, fun-loving fellow,

but when I get crossed I go bananas.

TELEPHONE BUZZES

Yes?

Oh. It's your nephew.

Willoughby?! Willoughby, where are you?

Oh, hi, Uncle. I thought I'd save time and phone you the news.

Oh, marvellous. Great. Smart boy! That Hawk blood tells in the end.

HE IMITATES A SHIP'S HORN

All ashore that's going ashore.

HE WHISTLES

What's all that noise?

And what news?

Oh, the news I was leaving town.

Leaving...town?!

Er, I'm on the, er, ship-to-shore phone...

-CRACKLING

-..from the deck of the Swedish freighter,

the Gustav Gustavson bound for Helsinki.

Helsinki?!

I'm glad you're taking this well. Why not leave Mrs Steinmetz alone?

Why you...!!

HE RANTS INCOHERENTLY

Haaaaaaaa...!!

RANTING CONTINUES

Don't worry, you'll feel better by morning.

Don't talk like an idiot! I feel better now.

Alonzo Hawk may be betrayed but he is never defeated. Out of my way!

Since none of you pitiful excuses for men have the muscle

to move a feeble old lady, I'll do it myself,

like I have to do everything.

-Now, now...

-Shut up!

I'll start at number one - harassment. I wrote the book on it.

Shut off her phone, her water, send health and building inspectors.

Steal her dog!

She doesn't have a dog.

No dog?! A little old lady in a place like that?

Who looks out for her, how's she get around?

She has a little car she uses.

Well, go and pick it up!

Yes, Mr Hawk.

Bunch of lame brains... Hold it! You fellas

will probably even foul up this simple task.

The first team is on the job now. I'll get it myself.

Overeducated pinheads!

Take notes! See how the grown-ups do it. You may be unaware of it,

but I began my fabulous career repossessing motorcars.

At the age of 19 I was the best-known repossessor of cars

west of the Mississippi. Hot-Wire Hawk!

Observe, gentlemen.

Screwdriver, pair of pliers,

and a piece of wire. Now check your watches!

I will return with the object of my task

in 15 minutes or less. Let's go!

DOOR BUZZER

Nobody home, sir.

Thank you, Maxwell. I'll not be needing you anymore today.

LOCK CLICKS

ENGINE STARTS

Learn something young and you'll never forget it.

Except a six-year-old could steal this one-cylinder hair dryer!

BRAKES SQUEAL

HE GRUNTS

CAR HORNS BLARE

QUIET!!

All right, buddy, let's get this thing... Oh, Mr Hawk.

What are you doing in this little car?

Just shut up and push!

Certainly, Mr Hawk. One tiny thing. Is the car

out of gear, sir?

Of course it is, you nitwit!! Just push!

All right, Mr Hawk.

OK, push.

ENGINE STARTS

Hey, wait a minute! What're you doing to my cab...?

THEY ALL SHOUT AT ONCE

Are we trying to get tough, Mr Hawk?

Don't you dare threaten me!

All right, Mr Hawk.

Well?

Three minutes to go.

Hello, Commissioner.

Got a little problem.

We gotta tow him out of here.

Now, Mr Hawk, sit quietly this time. Don't touch the pedals or gears.

Don't order me around! I shall do as I please.

The Commissioner shall hear about this.

I AM the Commissioner.

Then why are you wearing that monkey suit? The Commissioner

would dress in dignified clothes.

This is my dress uniform!

I'm going to a ceremony for "I Am A Policeman Day".

OK, let's go.

'Commissioner, call your office. There's been an accident.

'See the man, see the man.'

One minute. He'll never make it.

If Mr Hawk says he'll do it, he'll... Here he is!

Whoooaaaa...!

Get that car, dead or alive!

Right away, sir...

Mr Hawk.

If you'll sign a few of these citations,

compliments of the Commissioner.

Well, he's got more stuff than I thought.

Yes,

I'm sorry he's going, too. All right, see you later. Bye-bye.

'Flight 38, for Las Vegas...'

Mother, you've never saw Uncle Alonzo in such a rage.

He's probably having the airport watched. But he won't find me.

I'm in disguise. Disguise.

A beard and a moustache.

I know I promised not to grow a beard.

Don't you understand? It isn't real. No.

I will not go and apologise to Uncle Alonzo.

He is a greedy, unscrupulous,

no-good, er...

..thieving, er, er....

er, coyote. Yes. Thank you, miss.

Oh...

No, Mother, my asthma's fine. Nothing's wrong!

Everything is...fine now.

This is the turning point of my life.

Uncle Alonzo pushed me around, you told me what to do

and then I met this... perfectly wonderful girl.

I was even afraid of her,

till now.

I've just decided something, Mother. I will not be a rabbit anymore.

Goodbye, Mother.

Ow! Oom...!

Come along, Herbie, off to market.

Thank you, Herbie.

ENGINE STARTS

Let me see now. Half a dozen tomatoes.

Um, the broccoli looked very nice yesterday.

And, er, what else was there?

We can see the car, sir!

Moving in for the kill, Mr Hawk.

They're moving in for the kill now.

Well, what happened? You were moving in for the kill!

Um, a little premature, sir.

She's a desperate woman. Don't worry, she won't get away.

Another shortcut, Herbie?

Where is she now?

Still going up and up. Incredible. She's driving like a madman.

Oh, Herbie, behave yourself.

You knocked my glasses off. Tut!

Well, where on earth is she?

BEEPING

Don't answer it! It'll be Hawk.

Look!

No, sir. The phone didn't ring. Did you try to call us?

Did you grab the car?!

Any moment now. There it goes. Into the Palace Hotel.

The Palace Hotel?!

May I draw your attention

to the superb baby shrimp?

Fine, Herbie. But I'm sure this isn't the way to the market.

Gentlemen, have you a reservation?

There it is!

Someone stop her!

Don't let her get away. C'mon, let's go.

I get the creeps from that weird little car...

-What's wrong with you?

-There it is.

Millicent, don't get hysterical.

Take an aspirin and lie down. One of us must keep our nerve.

C'mon, move it!

Stop wool-gathering, Herbie. We really must get to the market.

Uh-oh! Oh...!

Look out, it's coming back!

Ohhhh...!

Grandma, I was worried about you. Are you all right?

Fine. I had a drive over the bridge.

Let me help, Mrs Steinmetz.

Mr Whitfield! Hello, again.

I thought you were going to Missouri.

Oh, Nicole spoke to me.

He'll help us fight his uncle.

Wonderful! Do stay for dinner.

I've already invited him.

Take them to the kitchen, Mr Whitfield.

Yeah, thank you.

What a fine young man! You look so right together.

Oh...

Is there anything I can do?

There is one thing, Grandma.

Just let nature

take its course.

Oh, yes, dear. I wouldn't want to interfere for anything.

Oh...

We'll need more broccoli now. Can you and Willoughby get some?

Sure.

And you should drive down to the beach afterwards...

Grandma!

We'll just go get some broccoli.

Yes, dear. Of course.

I won't say another word, Herbie. There's nothing I can do.

Of course, I can't help it if you happen to have a mind of your own.

Can I?

I should have said that I don't like broccoli.

Herbie, where are you going?

The young lady and gentlemen have turned to the north.

It seems they're not immediately returning to the fire house.

See that they don't. Do anything,

but don't let them return there until after dark. You read me?

Perfectly, sir.

Grandma put him up to this!

Where's he taking us?

I don't know but I could guess.

Pardon me, sir. Is this the only road from the beach?

Yep.

Would you care, sir, to earn 50?

Don't mind.

We wish you to obstruct that road for two hours.

My employer plans a surprise party...

Don't explain, just pay the money.

It's very romantic here, don't you think?

I've never heard the word romantic in a real conversation before.

I hope I wasn't being too forward.

But it is romantic.

I think that's what Grandma had in mind.

She thought the Pacific VERY romantic!

The Captain proposed to her on the beach, 50 years ago.

I'm sorry I punched you the first time I met you.

Oh, that's OK.

And it wasn't nice to hit you with a lobster.

It's OK.

You can hit me back, if you want.

That isn't exactly

what I had in mind.

Oh...

Herbie!

Oh...!

Oh, it's time we headed back.

Herbie, c'mon! Leave that seagull alone!

Herbie!

I wish that car would learn to mind. Herbie, please!

Herbie!

Heel, Herbie.

See? Just needs a firm hand.

You know, Willoughby, sometimes you really surprise me.

Hey, what's happening?

HORN BLARES

Sorry, sir. My rear axle's frozen.

-

-But how can we...?

-Sorry.

-No, Herbie!

-Whoooaaa...

Oooohhhh...

Oooohhh...

Ahhhh...

Oh!

Ahhh...

Oh...! Well, here we are.

Nicole, quickly pull your hand back inside.

Why?

We've got company.

SHE GASPS

That's silly! Why would a shark

follow a Volkswagen?

He thinks the same as me - we're sure to sink.

Excuse me, do you know the way to San Francisco?

Yeah, man. Up the beach road, first left, second right.

Thank you.

Whoooaaaaa!

Old Number 22! It's gone!

What?!

They came with a big truck.

Everything's gone.

Who did it?

It said on the truck...

Alonzo Hawk Van and Storage.

Have you never jemmied a lock before?

No. It's not a hobby of mine.

Hurry. We can't just stand here.

ENGINE STARTS

Good for Herbie!

'Halt. You are caught on our surveillance.

'You will be surrounded by agents

'of Alonzo Hawk Security. Touch nothing or you will be prosecuted.'

Don't talk to me like that! I want my things and I'll get them!

Er, it's a recording.

I don't care if it is!

'You are caught on our surveillance...'

Let's find your things.

'Touch nothing or you will be prosecuted...'

Nothing here. Maybe we'd better...

FAIRGROUND MUSIC PLAYS

All right, hold it!

OK, get your hands up!

MOURNFUL MUSIC PLAYS

Don't get fresh with me, young man.

She must be the ring leader.

C'mon, grandma, move it. Hands up!

I most certainly will not. If you say please,

I might consider it.

All right. Please.

There, you see, it wasn't so difficult after all.

Mind your manners and life will be easier

for all of us. Now will you be good enough

to tell me exactly what you are doing with my furniture?!

How do we know, lady? All I can tell you is

nothing goes out without Mr Hawk's OK.

Look out, Smitty! Run!

Hey, we're cut off! How we gonna get out of here?

Smitty, Mr Hawk won't be happy about this.

FAIRGROUND MUSIC PLAYS

Oh... Evening, Mother.

Ain't you a mite old for a stewardess?

Been a lot of changes since the day I came to visit this town.

HE SIGHS

Barnsdorf, stop worrying about your equipment.

You're paying me 80 grand a day.

Stop bothering...

I have broken the old lady's spirit. Yeah.

I've taken her furniture. She's in an empty fire house

ready to listen to reason.

Barnsdorf, I guarantee you can start digging on Monday morning.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yeah?

What?!

Yes, sir. They got away with everything.

Call the Mobile Security Force! We'll nail them to the wall!

Stop at the top. We'll figure how to get down the other side.

HE GRUNTS

Oh... I was saying, little lady,

I was doing fine until I got into that sheep-dip you call liquor

in this town.

My name is Judson.

Got a cow ranch a few hundred miles north of here.

Been there for over 40 years,

so when I get to town

I like to stir up a little excitement.

-HE SLURS:

-Like last time I was here...!

I'll get a rope and tie us up nice and snug.

Oh, no. Looks like Uncle Alonzo!

No, Herbie, don't do it!

Ohhhh!

After him!

Faster, faster!

Oh, Herbie, now you've got us in a mess.

Now, Herbie, stop this minute!

Ohhhh...!

Hey, watch out!

Just look what you done to my pretzels!

Mrs Steinmetz?!

Mrs Steinmetz, put on the brake!

You're a fine-looking woman! You married?

No, the Captain's been gone many years. There he is.

Captain Steinmetz. Hook and ladder, City of San Francisco. A fine man.

Nice picture. You carry it around with you everywhere?

Mrs Steinmetz! Use the handbrake...!

HORN BLARES

Ohhhh... Are you OK?

I declare, li'l lady, you're a sight

to make this country boy's heart flutter.

Oh, I'm much too old.

Whoo, hoo, the way I see it you're just about coming into your prime.

GENTLE MUSIC PLAYS

Can't that thing play something with a little more pep?

UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

APPROACHING JANGLING NOISE

How nice to see people dressing up for parties again.

HORN BLARES

Was that anyone we know?

I think these cars go a lot faster than when I was a young fella.

You can't stop progress.

Look at that!

C'mon, Herbie, help us.

FRANTIC JANGLING MUSIC

Steady, Herbie...

C'mon, c'mon, move closer.

Hurry, we're running out of street!

Closer.

A little more.

Go on, jump!

Whoooaaaa...

Ohhhh...!

Well, here's where I get off.

Thanks for the ride, li'l lady. Appreciate it.

Sure like to cross trails with you again, sometime.

Are you all right, Grandma?

Of course. I just met the most interesting man.

Good morning, Grandma. Sleep well?

Not a wink. I suddenly realised

the trouble Alonzo Hawk gives me. I'll give him a piece of my mind.

Oh, no, you don't...

CAR HORN BLARES

Oh, I have to go. Bye-bye, Grandma.

And please, don't do anything foolish.

Willoughby, I know Grandma - I think she's up to something.

Oh, I'll keep her safe.

Well, you better, or else I'll get tough again. Bye.

Bye.

-Where are you going?

-To see Mr Hawk.

No. You can't. You heard what Nicole said.

Nicole is a sweet girl

but she can't order me around.

May I go with you?

That won't be necessary.

Well, I think Nicole would prefer it.

Hey, come back!

Mrs Steinmetz! Come back!

This is a nasty whiplash, Mr Hawk. I think you try to do too much.

I know, Millicent, but besides you, who can I depend on?

I have to do... Who are those clowns?

Your new lawyers, Mr Hawk. You fired the others.

Look, fellas, I wanna tear down that fire house, OK?

One moment, Mr Hawk. You have the necessary permit?

Of course I don't have a permit!

I don't even own the land yet!

That would jeopardise the legality of your new building.

-We can't...

-Just get out of here!

I don't hire you to tell me what I can't do.

I hire you to tell me how I can do it.

GO!!

See? I'm let down. You know me - I'm enthusiastic, boyishly eager.

All I get is cheap lawyer talk.

Oh, poor Mr Hawk. It just isn't fair.

Still, I will not falter.

I'm like a sensitive, finely-tuned violin. All I need to restore me is

a few moments of peace and quiet.

BLASTING NOISE

HEY! HEY!

HEY!

Hey!

Turn it off! Hey!

You idiot! What are you doing?

Washing the windows. Mr Hawk's orders.

I AM Mr Hawk! Get out of here!

OK. Cancel the windows.

And shut the window! Runs up the air conditioning bill!

YOU'RE FIRED!

Get your money and go.

Mr Hawk's orders!

They may harass me but don't let them ever think they have me beaten.

That is when Alonzo Hawk is at his most dangerous.

Yes, sir.

Millicent,

this is what I want you to do.

I want you to try and get Fred Loostgarten on the phone.

He worked for our wrecking company until I fired him.

He has a one-horse operation of his own now.

Yes. I think that's how

Captain Steinmetz would handle the situation.

Excuse me, do you know where Mr Hawk's office is?

Yes, ma'am. 28 storeys up and six windows to the left.

I'm sorry, I don't hear so good from this side.

28th floor! Can't miss it.

Thank you so much.

No... Mrs Steinmetz! Stop!

LIGHT JAZZ PLAYS

Mrs Steinmetz, come back. Stop! Whoaaa...

Mrs Steinmetz!

Help!

Grandma!

Mrs Steinmetz!

Help!

H-Help!

Whoo! Oohh... Mrs...? Grandma!

Help!

Mrs Steinmetz!

Grandma! Help!

Mrs Steinmetz!

Help! Grandma!

Is that you, Mr Whitfield? Where are you?

Down here!

Help me!

Oh, there. Just a minute, I'm coming.

No, no, stay there. Just take us down.

Of course, Mr Whitfield. But first, promise to let me see Mr Hawk.

Anything. I'll do anything you say.

Very well, Mr Whitfield.

Loostgarten, buddy! How are you?

I know things haven't gone so well, but that's life, buddy.

Yeah, right, Mr Hawk.

I've been meaning to find a job for my buddy Loostgarten and here it is.

You know that old fire house on the site for Hawk's Plaza?

Yeah?

Then get your wrecking ball and smash it.

I want nothing left but itsy-bitsy splinters.

Don't worry, Willoughby. I shall be quite polite. But firm!

What do you mean, a permit? I'll get it tomorrow morning.

But Mr Hawk, I...

The job has to be done tonight!

Take it or leave it!

Millicent, my dear, put a cheque in the mail to Loostgarten.

Loostgarten Wrecking Company. A thousand on account.

Tonight he's gonna smash that crummy old fire house to matchwood!

I'll teach that battle-axe!

No, no. Grandma,

he won't like that.

I don't care what he likes!

Knock down my home, will he?!

Uncle Alonzo, meet Mrs Steinmetz.

How do you do?

Don't worry, it's under control.

Now you've done it! Herbie gets very angry!

Oh! Noooo...!

No, no, no...

Get out, get out! Get out!

No! No... Go away!

No, Herbie, stop.

Ooh, wrong way.

Stay away! Someone come in and stop this thing.

Shouldn't we see what all those noises are?

Mr Hawk said not to be disturbed.

-CLUNK

-Oof!

Herbie...

Er, Uncle. Now's a good time to explain...

YOU?!

YEEEAAAGGGHHH!

Herbie, stop it!

Are you going out for a while, Mr Hawk?

Herbie!

Got to get away...

Morning, Millicent.

Good morning.

I told you Mr Hawk was busy.

-PIGEONS COO

-Ah, shut up!

And get off my building!

There must be some way to make this car behave.

I don't like to threaten Herbie. He has been trying to help us.

But there's one thing he's afraid of.

Ohhh...

WHOOOAAAA!

Now stop, Herbie. Don't make me do it.

Please do it, Grandma!

Very well, Herbie.

It so happens that I know this nice used-car lot...

I would hate to call Mr Honest Al, the used-car man.

Course, I'd never do it.

I don't think Herbie believes I would, either. But it works.

What a lovely morning.

I thoroughly enjoyed it.

Did we get the name of the man who plans to knock down my fire house?

Oh.

It was Loostgarten - the Loostgarten Wrecking Company.

I'll write that down.

We're going to need it.

Thanks anyway, Millie. Millie works on Hawk's airline,

but can't find his address.

May I speak?

No. You didn't even look after Grandma.

We need his address or my idea won't work.

I AM going to speak.

See, I've sent Uncle Alonzo a card every Christmas since I was seven.

And here's his address.

Willoughby! Oh, you're wonderful!

TELEPHONE RINGS

Loostgarten speaking.

This is Alonzo Hawk.

Right, Mr Hawk.

There's a change of plan.

Don't knock down that fire house -

instead, knock down 343, Oleander Heights. Got it?

343, Oleander Heights.

Right...

Write it down!

I don't want you blackballed in the wrecking-ball business,

if you get what I mean.

You were wonderful!

Ohhh...

Yes. I know it's three o'clock in the morning, but I can't sleep.

You're my doctor, aren't ya?

Sometimes, old-fashioned remedies seem to work best, Mr Hawk.

Have you tried counting sheep?

Sheep?!

Picture in your mind's eye

a grassy, green meadow,

a white-washed three-railed fence

and a flock of sweet little sheep.

They begin to jump over the fence.

One sheep...

Six sheep.

Seven sheep.

Eight sheep.

Nine sheep.

Ten...

HE SNORES

BLEATING

DOGS WHINE

INDIAN DRUMMING

HE GRUNTS LIKE A GORILLA

TELEPHONE RINGS

Yeah, what is it...

Sorry to phone so late, Mr Hawk, but in my job I mustn't make mistakes.

'What're you talking about?'

That address you gave me?

'What about it?!'

343, Oleander Heights. You're sure it's the right address?

Of course, you idiot! I know it as well as I know my own address.

Wait a minute...

It IS my own address!

THUD!

HE COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS

Loostgarten!

No! Not this! This is my house,

you dumb jerk!

Loostgarten, this time you're really through! Whoaaa...

You...!!

We beat him!

I knew he'd cave in with that heat.

TELEPHONE RINGS

Hello?

Oh... Good morning, Mr Hawk.

Now it's over I had to phone to say how much I admire

the plucky fight you put up for that sweet little fire house.

Oh, thank you, Mr Hawk.

What caused my change of heart was an accident to my own little house.

I saw how terrible it is to lose something you really love.

What happened, Mr Hawk?

Oh, well, a very confused man came along

and knocked down the whole side, smashed it to rubble.

Someone knocked down Mr Hawk's house.

Ohhhh...!

Oh, what a rotten shame!

It served a purpose. I now know I can't knock down

any more beautiful old buildings. So don't worry your sweet grey head

any more, is that clear?

Yes, Mr Hawk. Thank you, Mr Hawk.

And Mrs Steinmetz, I'll drop by one day and have a cup of tea with you.

Bye.

I always said you'd do the finer thing, Mr Hawk.

What do you mean, fat-head?

Well, giving up Hawk Plaza.

Are you fooled by my phoney story?!

You can't go back on this.

Oh, yes, I can! I can say I was misquoted.

I can say they printed the story to discredit me.

It's an old gag,

it's out of my bag of tricks.

We're still going after the old lady?

Right for the jugular vein, baby.

Right for the old jugular.

I wish Grandma would hurry up. Can't celebrate without her.

Still, it's a chance to talk without something always happening.

Oh, thank you.

Nicole, there's something I want to say.

What is it, Willoughby?

Did I ever tell you that my great-grandfather Whitfield

was one of the first men to go over Niagara Falls

in a barrel?

Oh, well, was he all right after?

Who knows? They never found him.

I'll go call Grandma.

The giant lobster is very good, sir. Oh, of course. No lobster.

I meant to call, dear. I just thought to myself

what a fine time those two young people must be having without me.

Grandma, I love you very much

but I've had enough of your match-making. Get over here.

If I do marry Willoughby, I'd like to nail him myself.

Well, go ahead without me, dear. I'll have a quiet evening at home.

Bye, dear.

Now, go on with your wonderful tale about the cows, Mr Judson.

I swear I never seen a handsome woman

like yourself who had such an interest in cows.

JANGLY MUSIC

It's quite natural, Mr Judson.

After all, a cow is not only useful

but a highly decorative animal.

Ain't it just?!

Well, erm, as I was saying,

I got this little 200 acre spread up in Oregon...

What on earth are you doing?

I'm not quite sure.

I think I saw this once in a movie.

HEAVY RUMBLING

MUSIC GOES WILD

Oh, no!

Just let me get my hands on

the brute responsible for this!

Horse-whippin' is too good for him.

What on earth...?

It's Mr Hawk!

ENGINE STARTS

Herbie, don't you dare!

Every man for himself!

Herbie must have gone for help.

Hope he makes it. We must be cut off.

OK, Steinmetz, we know you're in there.

We got you surrounded.

You got ten minutes to gather your stuff and go,

before I grind this dump to powder.

Hold on, mister! This li'l lady's under my protection. She stays!

Ten minutes, Steinmetz!

To get back to my great-grandfather,

I don't think I put it quite right. What I wanted to say was,

though we Whitfield men

look like rabbits,

we have always liked a challenge.

The scent of danger in our nostrils, the high road to adventure.

Yes, Willoughby?

That's why I want to go on seeing you.

Not to deprecate your beauty, but you carry a feeling of danger,

of something about to happen.

CAR HORN

You're right, Willoughby!

HORN BLARES

Looks like we've just picked up a friend.

HORN BLARES

Three minutes to go, Steinmetz, this is your last chance!

Make your play, Hawk.

We're standing pat.

The Captain would have liked you, Mr Judson. You're his kind of man.

Thank you, ma'am.

BUGLE CHARGE

Hey!

Attention! One minute to zero.

Gentlemen,

start your engines.

ENGINES ROAR

Here they come. We're ready for 'em!

I think Captain Steinmetz would have liked you to wear this.

Well,

I'd be proud to, li'l lady.

Mighty proud.

Power shovel one, ready?

Ready, Mr Hawk.

Full speed ahead! Go!

Fire.

Hey!

Stop! Help!

Cease fire.

Good shooting, Mr Judson.

That one won't bother us for a while.

Harry, move in with the crawler!

All right, Mr Hawk!

Fire!

Hey, stop it! No!

HE LAUGHS

Cease fire.

There goes another. They're on the run. Fire!

Oh, no...!

Are you all right?

Don't worry about me.

What we got to worry about is we're out of ammunition.

This time we all go in together!

We got nothing to regret, li'l lady.

We done our best.

Reeeaaadddyyyy...!

CAR HORNS

Drive! Drive!

Hi, Grandma!

Hi, there!

Why, that rascal!

There's a man there. That's why she didn't come out!

Faster. Faster!

Faster!

Wait a minute... Back!

Why not look where you're going?

Don't raise your voice to me, you myopic oaf!

Hey, whaddaya think you're...? Whooaaa!

All right, Herbie, enough, now.

Think you're going to make him stop? Fat chance!

Herbie, stop or you can't come to the wedding.

SIREN

Ah. You again, Mr Hawk...

Save me. Save me!

They're after me, after me!

Who's after you?

Little cars. Hundreds of 'em. Look, idiot!

Mr Hawk, do you mind coming to my place of business?

I'd be happy to! I... Ooh!

And what happened then?

Willoughby told Herbie to stop or he couldn't come to the wedding.

Wait a minute. What wedding?

BELL CLANGS

PLAYS WEDDING MARCH

Subtitles by IMS