Mrs Henderson Presents

This film contains some strong language

..Earth to earth, ashes to ashes,

dust to dust.

So sorry, my dear Mrs Henderson.

-Your husband was a great friend to my country.

-That's so kind of you.

Please join us at the house for a small luncheon in his honour.

Thank you so much, Leslie, but I think I'll take my own car.

STIFLED SOBS

WAILS

Madam.

I know Robert would want me to be available to help you in any way.

Thank you so much.

-He was an estimable man.

-Yes. Yes!

-And a very dangerous business competitor.

-Yes!

Oh. Yes.

Excuse me.

-I am bored with widowhood.

-My dear, you've just scratched the surface.

I have to smile at everybody. I've never had to smile at everybody.

-In India, there were always people to look down on.

-People are sympathetic.

-You have lost your husband.

-Well, I didn't mislay him!

It was most inconsiderate of Robert to die. What am I supposed to do now?

The first rule of widowhood, my dear -

important conversations occur at lunch.

It's really not so bad. Widows are allowed hobbies.

-Hobbies?

-Yes! Embroidery. Things like that.

-Are you mad?!

I graduated to weaving. Would you care to see my tapestries?

-I'd rather drink ink.

-Committees are good, of course.

I serve on quite a few charities.

Once your husband dies, it's quite permissible to help the poor.

And now there's no-one to stop you buying things.

Also, of course, there's a great deal of time for lovers.

-Margo, I'm nearly 70!

-That's true. But you're also very rich.

The one cancels out the other.

I don't know anything about embroidery.

Ow! Oh!

Now, I believe we may call it a refuge.

We do not want any term alluding to unwed mothers in the title.

Nor do we wish for the public to know the purpose of the house.

But I've told my friends I'm helping to build a home for future bastards.

SCATTERED COUGHING

Sorry.

-Home, madam?

-I need some fresh air. Let's drive.

-Yes, madam.

I think I should see Alec.

Hello, Alec.

INAUDIBLE

Let's return to London, please.

I'd rather like to visit Old Windmill Street again.

Good day, madam.

(Oh!)

-Mind your back!

-Oh!

-Oh, Laura! Oh, what on earth...?

-Margo. Renovations, dear.

-It's a...

-It's a theatre. It's a theatre!

-Isn't it delicious! I own it.

-Own it?

You said there was no-one to stop me buying things, so I bought a theatre.

But I meant bracelets and earrings!

What on earth are you going to do with a theatre?

Well, I thought music hall or... What do they call it in America?

Vaudeville. Actually, I haven't thought about it.

-Oh, what am I going to do with it?

-You need someone to run it for you.

Oh, you think? Oh, I knew you'd give me sensible advice.

But who?

Oh, that's an easy assignment. I know just the man.

He's out of work at the moment, but he's very good at running theatres.

I can't imagine where she is.

She was meant to be here 20 minutes ago.

Well... That's that, then.

I can't hang around here all day. I've an important meeting to go to.

-I'm sorry, old chap, but...

-Oh, he was terribly ill in the car.

-Nerves, I imagine. Little sweet. Hello, Leslie.

-Hello.

Who on earth are you?

-This is Vivian Van Damm.

-Don't be silly. That's not a British name.

In actual fact, my father's a lawyer in Bishopsgate,

although some of his ancestors are from Holland.

-Oh, dear God, you're Jewish.

-As it happens, I'm not.

-Of course you are.

Just look at yourself. Show business is filled with Jewish people.

One must make do. We haven't met. I'm Laura Henderson.

Yes, I imagined you were. You're 20 minutes late.

And you're rude.

Perhaps he's the wrong man.

No, I don't think so. Where are you going?

Leslie, where's he off to? Do stop him.

-I'm here to offer you a position!

-You can't offer me a position

-if I'm walking out on you.

-But that's why I'm offering it, dear.

You've got gumption. Don't you adore that word? And you smoke cigars.

-Anyone who runs my theatre must smoke cigars. It's so manly, so...

-What?

Jewish.

I have a theatre.

I have a theatre.

Just sitting there, waiting for a brilliant manager

to come and turn it into a commercial proposition.

A manager who might bring enjoyment and amusement back into the West End.

A manager with vision and courage.

And if that isn't you, then, my intuition has failed me.

So, by all means, hurry off, Mr Damm Van.

-Van Damm.

-Oh, if you insist, dear. If you insist.

Whose idea was it to gut the building?

-Mine!

-Well, well...

There should be a sign saying "Windmill Theatre" up there. See?

-You're going to retain the name?

-I find it helps your driver

-if it's named after the street.

-What do you know about the theatre?

-Oh, almost nothing.

-I must have total control of the production side.

Is that clear? All artistic decisions are mine.

You may voice an opinion if you must but I have the final say.

-Understood?

-Of course.

I think we'll make a splendid team!

Let's go and sit down in that charming little cafe.

I'm sure its business will improve when our musical revue opens.

-Who said we were doing a musical revue?

-Well, I assumed.

All those decisions are mine. Remember?

That's perfect. Just there.

Higher!

No. No, no, no. Come back. Come back to the middle.

-Higher!

-Oh...!

-Higher.

-Right. I've had an idea. Let's go inside.

-It is a radical idea.

-Oh, jolly good. What is it?

-Non-stop performances.

-Non-stop?

Yes. Instead of two shows a day, we run our show all day long.

Five or six performances a day,

one after another. It's never been done in England before.

Every theatre here is exactly like every other theatre.

No-one is attempting anything new. It's good to stir things up, no?

-We'd be a sensation!

-I've no idea what you mean, but I admire passion.

Yes, well, what else is there?

How much will this experiment cost?

I mean, what do I stand to lose if it fails?

Well, anything up to, er, £10,000.

What fun!

I'm in a sporting mood today, Mr Van Damm. It must be the weather.

-And what'll we do?

-A musical revue.

-What'll we call it?

-Well, I thought, "Revudeville"!

Oh, yes!

That's lovely.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I've invited you here this evening to sip a bit of sherry -

I'm told cocktail parties are out of date -

and to announce the most amusing news.

The Windmill Theatre will open on February 3rd

with the most revolutionary programme ever seen in England.

In this enterprise, I'll be carrying on the work of my late husband,

who spent a great deal of time and money helping stage people,

especially those in the field of variety.

-Is that true?

-She's making it up.

-Oh.

As you know, these are difficult times.

So many of our variety performers have been forced onto the milkline.

-Breadline.

-Breadline. Breadline.

Revudeville is an attempt to create...

-Employment!

-Employment!

Employment for these delightful creatures.

Our productions will be guided and overseen by our resident genius,

our brilliant general manager who comes to us from central Europe,

Mr Vivian Van Damm.

-We won't be able to work together, you know.

-You're a perfect match!

So, you found yourself a Continental.

Nonsense. He's as English as you or I.

He's terribly alive, don't you think? Just something one can sense.

-Laura, you have an infatuation.

-Don't be ridiculous!

It's the show business I'm attracted to.

Tomorrow, we have auditions! Isn't that exciting!

People come in and entertain us and we say, "Stick around" or "Buzz off"!

BOTH GIGGLE

-FEEBLY:

-# You may not be an angel

-# Cos angels are so few... #

-Thank you. Next.

-TUNELESSLY:

-# But until the day that one comes along

-# I'll string along... #

-Next!

# But when...something came along

# I'll sing along with you... #

Next!

-SHRILLY:

-# You may not be an angel

# Cos angels are so few

# But until the day that one comes along

# I'll string along with you. #

-(Good Lord.)

-Thank you, Miss Kramer. That'll do.

-Poor thing.

-Next!

-My dear, would you just wait over there.

Mr Van Damm, I spent many years in the Far East with my husband

witnessing what pagan rituals, but I've never seen anything

-as barbaric as this.

-Welcome to the theatre. Next!

-Very nice, dear.

Buy yourself a decent meal.

-Who's the young man at the back?

-Ssh! Concentrate on the auditions.

# ..comes along, I'll string along with you... #

-Next.

-JAUNTY PIANO TUNE

-(We'll have him.)

-We will?

We will.

Next.

MIDDLE-EASTERN-STYLE PIANO TUNE

-Why do you keep looking at that boy?

-That boy, as you call him,

was the featured performer at the Pavilion. I snatched him away.

He was a big help to me. He's got excellent taste.

-He agrees with all of my choices.

-Including these demented pharaohs?

-Book them.

-Right, VD.

-Are you mad?! They're not in the least authentic.

Ssh.

And over. Over. Step, shuffle, change. Kick up the toe.

And fix, six, seven, eight.

Step, pick up. Step, pick up. Step, pick up. Forward. Heads up.

Thank you, ladies. Let's change over.

See what they're like from the back. And pay attention to their height.

And over. Step, shuffle. Lift, kick up the toe.

Tap, shuffle. And round, two, three, four.

Step, pick up. Step, pick up. Change. Forward. And heads up.

-Do you find these women attractive?

-Some of them are very pretty.

Oh, yes, I can certainly see that, but do they intrigue you as a man?

Ah.

I have other inclinations.

Oh. Oh! Oh!

How delicious!

And use your backs. Yes. Good girls. Next group.

And use your back, girls.

Yes! Last group.

But Mr Van Damm seems to have an intense appreciation, doesn't he?

Are the girls ready? And...

-He's practically sniffing them!

-And last group.

-Some of these girls are very good.

-Indeed.

-I'm going to call our chorus The Millerettes.

-Millerettes?

-Mmm. "Mill" as in Windmill.

-What's the "er" for?

Millerettes should be Millettes. The "er" clogs it up.

-Millettes doesn't scan.

-It's accurate!

-Doesn't sound right.

But Millerettes sounds like a man named Miller has a chorus line.

-We do Vaudeville, not dictionaries!

-We should still use correct English!

Millerettes is a good name, and it's not your decision.

In fact, you shouldn't be in the theatre until dress rehearsal.

-In fact, I'm going to ban you.

-Don't you dare! You have no right!

-I can do anything I please!

-Then, I shall cancel the opening!

-Fine!

-This show will not go on.

-Indeed.

-They're ready to start again, VD.

My dear, you must never interrupt a perfectly good argument.

-I've completely lost my train of thought.

-So have I.

Come on. Mustn't keep the Millerettes waiting.

That name is intolerable. It suggests midgets working in a factory.

Millettes sounds like a medical condition.

JAZZY MUSIC

# Can't you see that all the dull days and grey skies are over?

# Can't you see that we'll be living from now on in clover?

# We're letting in the sunshine

# It's shining everywhere

# We're letting in the sunshine for all of us to share

# For all of us to share

# We're letting in the sunshine

# For all of us to share

# All of us to share! #

ALL CHEER

BOTH MOUTH

Oh, stop thanking each other. Let's find some champagne.

What a wonderful hobby, my dear!

I wonder if there are any more theatres for sale!

I don't understand. We were such a success.

-Then everyone copied us.

-Now we're a disaster?

-There's the accounts.

-We're losing a fortune.

-You mean, you can be a triumph one week,

-and a disaster the next?

-I'm not certain it's worth going on.

Oh, you people make me weary. You've no courage!

What I say is, "Stick a thing out and it will come round."

-I'm trying to save your finances.

-I don't need your protection.

We've put on some good shows, but they're obviously not daring enough.

-Why don't we get rid of the clothes?

-Pardon?

Let's have naked girls.

Don't you think?

Now, this has been on my mind for some time. I never dared mention it.

I, too, lack courage, it seems. Now, what I propose is, we have nude women

in Revudeville, as they do in Paris. At the Moulin Rouge, for instance.

DOG WHINES Baby, we'll find you some milk.

Paris, after all, is just filled with naked women wearing bananas

and, dare I say it, making everyone else go bananas in return. Keep up.

-(Yes...)

-It would be innovative and draw the crowds.

I would make back all of my money, you would enjoy yourself

being surrounded by countless breasts and we'd all be happy.

What you're suggesting isn't possible.

That kind of thing isn't done here. Nudity? In England?

You tend towards safety sometimes. You're rather bourgeois,

I do mean that in a kind way, but I suspect it's not advisable in the show business.

What you're forgetting is, we need a licence from the Lord Chamberlain

-for whatever we put on the stage.

-The Lord Chamberlain?

-Yes!

What, Tommy? Little Tommy Baring? Don't be silly.

I have, of course, taken that into account. He's a very sweet man.

He and his dreary wife are on holiday in France, but when he returns,

-I'll throw a fly at him.

-Pardon?

-That's a fisherman's term, dear.

It has to do with hooking a trout. You do lead a narrow life.

-Meanwhile, do begin work on our new idea.

-Without permission?

Oh! We've found your milk.

Mrs Henderson's request is, of course, entirely out of order.

Of course. I'm well aware of that.

-Oh, Tommy!

-Laura. How wonderful to see you.

-You don't look a day older.

What a touching little lie. I do know a bit about why you're here.

-Oh?

-Mmm.

I find that lines have to be drawn somewhere, my dear Laura,

and nudity is on the wrong side of the divide.

I have problems enough with the length of skirts.

I've had inches added to them for a new Offenbach production.

Well, we won't have that problem, as we won't have skirts.

Sir, if I may, we have very strict rules in these areas, Mrs Henderson.

Oh, this office is so stuffy! Why don't we take a bit of a walk?

-Sir?

-A walk. Yes. Lovely.

Why didn't you return to India?

I was only ever Robert's wife in India.

It seemed a bit absurd without a Robert.

Now I find it most amusing to run a variety show and I'll tell you why.

Robert used to take me to the music hall often. He was fond of them.

On the condition I stayed behind the curtain in the box!

In those days, it was considered terribly improper for a married woman

to be seen at a music hall. But times have moved on.

And we must move with them, mustn't we?

Oh, look. A tent.

-Unusual to see a tent in the park.

-Quite. I had it constructed earlier.

Did you obtain a licence?

Oh, come inside, you old fogey. I've prepared lunch.

-The be all and end all is they are naked.

-Like paintings in a museum!

These sandwiches are particularly good.

It's an excellent season for salmon.

-We haven't exactly reached salmon season yet.

-You're so literal!

You're thinking bosoms. I'm thinking breasts.

-What is the difference?

-The difference is in your soul. Cheese?

Thank you. Of course, paintings in a museum are still, are they not?

-Still?

-The figures do not move. I suppose there's something in that.

Mmm. This cheese is very good indeed.

-If this girls did not move...

-Tableaux?

Precisely.

..then one might make a direct corollary with an art gallery.

I can, perhaps, see the possibility of some artistic merit to that.

-They never move?

-Never.

-Yes, that would be like a museum.

Which was, my dear, your suggestion. You must be very pleased.

-I'm warming to the idea. My secretary, of course...

-More wine?

Ah, yes. Thank you. What about, forgive me, the foliage?

-Foliage?

-You know, beneath the...

-Beneath what? Try the Brie.

-Thank you. Beneath the...

-I had it flown in from France.

-Excellent.

-The foliage beneath...

-My husband was very fond of this cheese.

Dear, I'm attempting to address the disagreeable, somewhat sordid topic

-of the pudendum.

-What is that?

-Good heavens!

-Do have some more wine.

-The female part!

-Oh, the pussy! Why didn't you say?

I had not expected you, of all people, to use such language.

The word was popular in the mid-19th century. Not everyone speaks Latin.

Then, I'd prefer you to refer to it as...the Midlands.

Oh, dear. You men do get into such a state about the Midlands, don't you?

Well, you needn't worry. Our lighting will be so subtle,

the disputed area will be barely visible.

And anyway, we'll have a barber.

GIGGLES

You are the most exasperating woman. You always were.

-I take that to mean you'll permit us to have a go.

-If no-one moves, yes.

-GASPS

-Perhaps.

I'll reserve final judgment until the opening night.

I'm delighted, dear ladies, that you wish to be a part of our endeavour.

Thank you very much.

-Saliva.

-Behave!

-I never realised how similar breasts are to shoes.

-What do you mean?

Well, they come in so many sizes. I've always found them overrated.

-Well, you're not a man.

-Alas(!)

All right, ladies. Off you go.

-What do you make of her?

-She's beautiful.

-Yes.

-But the nipples.

-Too large?

They're not British. Could be Italian.

We must have British nipples.

And how about her?

The right one's bigger than the left.

-GIGGLES

-Ssh! Ssh!

-Her?

-Fried eggs.

GIGGLES LOUDLY Sorry.

Thank you very much. Could you all please wait in the wings. Thank you.

-So, what basically are you looking for?

-Personality.

-Something in their smile, eyes.

-I suggest you look in their faces.

Yes, of course!

We're looking at the wrong kind of girl.

-We shouldn't have theatricals. Maggie, make a note.

-My dear.

Bertie and I are going to tour the countryside

-and discover some English roses.

-Oh, good!

Now you're getting the hang of it.

It's been an unsuccessful trip, my friend.

What I'm looking for is...personality.

Youth. Beauty.

Certainly not talent. Anyone can have talent.

And they must be well brought up.

I think many of the young women we've been seeing

come from rather awkward backgrounds.

TYRES SCREECH HORN BLARES

Shine your lights on the water!

The young girl is a dancer! Excellent coordination!

That's it. Come on. There we go. There you are.

-You're all right.

-Let me see.

-GASPS:

-Oh, my God.

I'm so sorry. I'm so embarrassed. I didn't mean to cause any trouble.

-No need to be embarrassed. You've found a knight.

-Hmm?

Two knights...in shining armour.

-My God! What a beautiful smile.

-Exquisite.

Have you ever considered going on the stage?

# Sweet inspiration

# So often out of reach...

HUMS THE TUNE

# ..and everyone

# Sweet inspiration

-# We often... #

-Peggy moved.

-Oh, you moved.

-She mustn't move.

-I'm sorry, Mr Van Damm.

-The law insists

-that you be absolutely still.

-Why don't we take a break?

-Yes. Good idea.

-Rest your arms, girls. Get the circulation going.

There's, er, teacups and, er, tea just downstairs.

Oh! Oh, it's so sweet.

You're perched in the orchestra pit like little birds.

-We feel safe down here.

-Are you all right?

-Yes, thank you. My arm went numb.

-I would sometimes see people in India

standing still for hours on ends. Fakirs. It was all rather spiritual.

-Oh, I see.

-You must think yourself onto a higher plane.

We'd all like to be on a higher plane. Preferably over the Channel.

Oh! ALL GIGGLE

-Oh, you're the one that was...

-Drowning.

-Oh!

-Come on.

-Oh. I like that girl you ran over.

Why don't you and the dog look at the programme proofs in the office?

-You're trying to get rid of us.

-Yes. We're coming up to a delicate time.

-Maggie, take Mrs Henderson up to the office.

-Oh...!

-Out.

Well, of course. You're in charge.

Right. Time for you to disrobe.

-Do we have to do it now, Mr Van Damm?

-Well, when else?

-I was just asking.

-I could have left you in the water.

-Come on, girls.

Let's do it.

I can't!

-Where's she going?

-She can't face it.

-What's wrong with everybody?

-I'm sorry, Mr Van Damm.

There's no work outside. I just thought, "Well, it's a job."

All of my friends are starving. I was lucky to have employment.

You can't imagine how it feels. We're just standing there.

Even my boyfriend hasn't seen me naked, and we've been to bed!

It's like it's...medical.

Do you think I would ever subject you to anything improper or tawdry?

I am enabling you all to earn an honest salary

in this most difficult of times.

After a hard week's work, you take home enough to maintain your home,

help out your parents and even save a little bit for the future!

And all you have to do is display certain blessings

you received from the Lord.

Why do you think God gave you all your bits and pieces?

So that you might be ashamed of them? So you might hide them away?

Isn't great art, after all, the celebration of nature?

-That's what this is.

-Art?

Absolutely. You are the Venus de Milo.

-The Mona Lisa.

-The Mona Lisa wore a dress.

Some do, some don't.

Tomorrow, we'll go to the museum and look at some paintings.

Botticelli. Now, he was inspired.

Inspired by God.

I'm placing a weighty burden on your shoulders,

but I know you have the moral strength to carry it.

Why don't we try it again?

All right?

I'll see you on the stage.

Let's give it a go. I don't fancy working in my father's chemist.

Art.

Art.

SNEEZES

Sorry.

-There is a draught in here.

-You expect draughts in a theatre.

-What happens if we get cold?

-Bertie, get someone to close the doors

and check all the windows, will you? Thank you.

-All right?

-Yes, thank you.

-Does everyone have to watch us?

-Who?

Well, them.

You're going to have an entire audience watching you!

-Yes, but they'll be strangers.

-And they won't be standing so close.

-Will they?!

-We can hear them breathing!

-A man has to breathe.

-Heavy breathing.

It doesn't seem fair for them to be dressed when we're not.

Okey-dokey. I know what to do.

Come on, gentlemen. Come on. You, too. Fair is fair.

-Ladies, come on.

-LADIES GIGGLE

Come on! Strip!

-ALL LAUGH

-You, too, Mr Van Damm.

Don't be ridiculous. Someone has to maintain authority here.

-Take your clothes off, please.

-No.

-Off! Off!

Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off! Off!

All right. All right!

Bloody childish.

Mrs Henderson! Mrs Henderson, don't go in there!

GIGGLING

SILENCE DESCENDS

Why, Mr Van Damm...

you ARE Jewish.

DOG WHIMPERS

# Sweet inspiration

# So often out of reach

# You come sometime to each and everyone

# Sweet inspiration

# We often have to wait

# But still you're better

# Late than never

# Everyone

# Lives in expectation

# Sweet inspiration

# Of you! #

-I think I saw a priest in the audience!

-No! You're hallucinating!

-Everyone looked so rich!

-Oh, I hope so.

When I take off my clothes, I think, "This will bring me champagne."

I think, "One more day and it hasn't happened yet."

DOOR SLAMS I brought the Lord Chamberlain.

He felt he had to say a few words of encouragement to you.

-Now, isn't that delicious!

-..Well done.

Well done.

May I be...permitted to say...

that... Oh, good heavens!

Good heavens, I...I...

What an artistic enterprise

you have, erm...

Ahem... A testament, really, to the British p...!

It's a magical evening, hmm?

I quite understand what you were feeling.

I myself have exhibited my breasts.

I was at a party with the Duchess of Denbigh and Countess Albery,

and we took off our blouses - oh, in private, of course -

-and looked at each other's titties!

-ALL GIGGLE

My, how we laughed!

The Lord Chamberlain was very taken with you, my dear.

ALL GIGGLE

-Mrs Henderson.

-Mr Van Damm. We've had quite an evening.

-The Lord Chamberlain was very pleased.

-Meet Natalie.

-Natalie?

-My wife.

-Vivian's spoken about you so often, I feel that I know you!

Well...I certainly don't know YOU. Excuse me.

You can be rude to me, but not to my wife!

Wife? When did you acquire a wife?

-Why haven't you told us?

-What do you mean?

-You never mentioned her.

-I believe a figure of authority must maintain a sense of privacy!

-A wife!

-What exactly is the problem?

-Who on earth said there was a problem?

Have a wife if you insist. Just don't let her interfere with your duties.

-Why would she do that?

-Because that's what wives do - I know.

-I was a wife. I interfered all the time.

-So sack me, then.

If you're unhappy with me, just say it and I'll leave.

But don't you dare, ever, ever talk to my wife like that again.

-Oh, don't you worry, I'll keep my eye on you.

-You do that.

I hope you realise I will never, ever set foot in this theatre again!

You two behave like an old married couple.

Well, it seems that would make him a bigamist.

Oh.

Champagne, then.

It is rather as I thought - your heart has stirred.

Then, I must consult a physician.

This should have been such a pleasant night.

# You told me there wasn't a lesson in loving that you hadn't learned

# Oh, yes

# Oh, yes

# So you met someone who set you back on your heels, goody, goody

# So you met someone and now you know how it feels, goody, goody

# So you gave her your heart, too

# Just as I gave mine to you

# And she broke it in little pieces and now how do you do?

# So you lie awake just singing the blues all night

# Goody, goody

# So you think that love's a barrel of dynamite... #

-I want you to flank her.

-Flank her?

-Stand either side of her.

-Oh.

-Aren't I in silhouette, like in the picture?

-Silhouette.

-Silhouette, Harry.

-Now, the sun must rise behind you.

-Orange.

-We see the rays of the sun like in the picture.

A new dawn over the new world.

EGYPTIAN-STYLE MUSIC CHEERING

Goody, goody.

Goody, goody.

Goody, goody.

-And now...!

-How...

-..do you do?

# So you lie awake just singing the blues all night

# Goody, goody... #

JAZZY, INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF TUNE

SERENE, CHORAL VERSION OF TUNE

SHRIEKS

ALL LAUGH

You philistines! Out! Get out!

JEERS

How am I going to explain this to the Lord Chamberlain?

# So you lie awake just singing the blues all night

# Goody, goody

# So you think that love's a barrel of dynamite

# Hooray and hallelujah

# You had it coming to ya

# Goody, goody for you

# Goody, goody for me

# And I hope you're satisfied You rascal, you! #

ALL CHEER ENTHUSIASTICALLY

Coming through. Excuse me, Mr Van Damm. Sorry.

I forgot me fin!

-Good afternoon, Doris.

-Afternoon.

-How's your mother?

-Fine, thank you.

-Have you been writing to her?

-Yes. She told me to tell you

she's disappointed I'm a starfish. She thinks I should be a mermaid.

Ah. I'll send her a note.

-And who have we here?

-Catherine The Great.

Have you forgotten the tableau with the horse? Come along! Wakey, wakey.

-You might show a bit more respect. I should've...

-Left you in the water!

-Afternoon, girls. How are you?

-Better now.

-Was something wrong?

-My bum cheeks went numb.

-She was leaning arse over backwards.

-Shush!

-In the Alaskan tableau, of course!

-Rupert soon got the blood flowing!

-Who's Rupert?

-Well you might ask.

-Oh, behave yourself!

We must be cautious about too much frivolity.

-The Windmill is a very serious business.

-ALL: Yes, Mr Van Damm.

-Do I give it to the students again, sir?

-ALL: Mr Van Damm.

At your own discretion, dear boy.

It's beastly. I can't walk into my own theatre.

I hear wonderful things about the new shows and I'm missing all the fun!

-You did say you would never set foot in The Windmill again.

-Quite right.

The man's a monster. I want nothing to do with him.

You're like my granddaughter, who moans about boys she has her eye on.

Adolescents and women in their eighth decade are very similar.

You obviously require a battle plan.

My second husband, the general,

always advocated attacking from the rear,

which, although it did nothing to enhance our marriage,

did bring him some success on the field.

Oh, just slip in there, as it were,

and establish your beachhead.

-Excuse us! This is a private dressing room.

-It's only me!

Sorry. But I did not want to be seen in the theatre.

Oh, I have missed your company.

I thought I'd just drop by to see if you needed anything.

Actually, if this may be our secret.

-Mr What's-his-name doesn't know I'm here.

-We're fine, thank you.

-My poor dear, I'm having some cheese sent up to you.

-Cheese?

-I'm not convinced you eat enough.

-Yes, she's just skin and bone(!)

Shut up. I weigh exactly what I weighed when I started this job.

-Something's wrong. She's not eating chocolate.

-So very, very head girl.

-So sensible.

-See? It's unanimous. You're positively scrawny.

-Ha!

You may laugh, but I know men. Men look at bosoms, but I notice bones.

-SCREAMS What?

-Spots!

No-one will notice.

You must promise to let me know if you have any complaints or problems.

Does Mr Van Damm... Oh, my dear.

I wore a similar wig to a ball in Delhi.

-Didn't look nearly as becoming as it does on you.

-Thank you.

-You remind me a bit of myself.

-Too thin?

-You'd be surprised.

-Don't tell anyone I've been here.

-It's just between us girls.

-You all get on rather well.

-Yes, we're like a family.

There hasn't been any improper behaviour from Van Damm, has there?

-He's very good to us.

-He's like a father.

-He treats us for what we are.

-And what is that?

-Artists

I have seemingly handed him a kingdom - complete with harem.

Then, my dear, you must infiltrate,

like a delicious, if overripe, Mata Hari.

Might I propose subterfuge?

Ah.

Good afternoon.

-Good afternoon.

-Good afternoon.

-Amazing. You get all kinds.

-I have a very odd feeling, VD.

LAUGHTER

What I need is a rubber trumpet.

Yeah. I've had an offer to join a rubber band.

Please, no. Please don't do this.

-Mrs Henderson, you are a fraud!

-Oh! Oh! Oh!

Don't you dare manhandle me!

-Make a fool of yourself, if you must, but not of me.

-No! Ah!

What do you think you were doing?

I simply want to make sure you are doing your jobs properly.

It was most unpleasant of you to grab my hairpiece.

That's made of authentic Chinese hair.

Well, now you'll have some time to calm down. Examine your behaviour.

My husband put me on top of a cupboard once.

You have so much in common. CHUCKLES

I'd like you to behave.

No doubt your husband said that to you as well.

Oh, Mr Van Damm, I just can't help myself.

-Oh, well, cheerio.

-No, don't you dare leave me here.

No, don't you dare! Don't you dare leave me!

MUSIC: Chu-Chi Face

This act is not half bad.

Thank you very much.

-You can't have an animal on stage with naked women.

-Yes, I see that.

-It's a shame.

-I've got a new song.

Let's hear it.

# There's a lake in the park There's a house by the lake

# There's a... # Slower.

# There's a lake in the park

# There's a house by the lake

# There's a girl in the house by the lake in the park

# And the girl in the house in the park by the lake

# Is the girl in the little green hat

# And tonight after eight That's when I've got a date

# When the moon's riding high and the stars light the sky

# With the girl in the house by the lake in the park... #

-What?!

-You'd better see for yourself.

# No trees in the park at all

# But she'll wait beside the lake I'll be welcome at the house

# I'll meet her by the garden wall

# There's a ship on the shore There's a sailor on the shore

# There's a girl in his arms She's the girl I adore

# So goodbye to the house by the lake in the park

# And the girl in the little green hat. #

-Bye, Mrs Henderson.

-GIGGLE

Try the river, it's Tuesday.

-Get me a taxi.

-Yes, VD.

-Tea?

-Yes, please. To take away.

We need caffeine. We're exhausted.

You're exhausted?! All you girls do is just stand there.

And that, I am told, is the definition of a star.

This has got to stop. We're running a serious theatre.

The entire West End is laughing at us.

I haven't worked for years to achieve a position of respect

only to be perceived as a joke. If all you want to be is a dilettante,

-take your money and go someplace else.

-I can't hear you.

I'm not simply frivolous. And I don't ever want to be taken for granted.

I wish to ascertain that artists who audition for us

are being treated with the proper respect. It turns out they are.

I am perfectly satisfied.

On another matter entirely -

billing. The programme says, Mrs Henderson Presents Revudeville.

It's absolutely charming, but perhaps unfair. Shouldn't it be,

Mrs Henderson Presents Revudeville, a Vivian Van Damm production?

I rather like that, don't you?

I am going to have a joyride now. Isn't that exciting?

I am not a servant!

You can't buy me off with a piece of billing! Do you hear, bloody woman?!

Is it well stocked with petrol?

What do you mean?

Do you think we might make it to France?

I don't think I'll be back for a while.

EXPLOSION

-Mr Van Damm.

-Mrs Henderson.

Welcome back.

MUSIC: La Marseillaise

# Entendez vous dans notre campagnes

# Mugir ces froces soldats?

# Ils viennent jusque dans nos bras

# Egorger nos fils, nos compagnes

# Aux armes, citoyens!

# Formez vos bataillons!

# Marchons! Marchons!

# Qu'un sang impur

# Abreuve nos sillons! #

Do you mind if I sit here?

Suit yourself.

I am so sorry, Mr Van Damm.

I imagine...you have family.

-Yes.

-I can't bear feeling helpless.

I always think there's something I can do.

But sometimes, of course, there's nothing.

Champagne, madam?

Don't you feel a bit over-safe?

Caution, my dear.

We're not certain what to do about the theatres.

-Whatever do you mean?

-They're a frivolous distraction.

Exactly what young soldiers need. Wouldn't you say?

There are other considerations.

Intelligence tells us the Luftwaffe will bomb London.

My intelligence tells me that.

-It'll be dangerous for people to congregate, won't it?

-Tommy!

Don't be silly! Congregate underground.

My theatre is beneath street level. It's the safest place to be.

Let's have no more of these foolish ideas.

Oh, Tommy.

# We stand in awe and ask what power divine

# Inspired the sculptor

# Of such flawless art

# For there is life in every curve and line

# To charm the eye and satisfy... #

EXPLOSION

RUMBLING

# There is no time No space of endless years... #

THUNDEROUS EXPLOSION

SCREAMING

APPLAUSE CHEERING

'Fires were started again last night in the East End.

'Londoners awoke after the tenth consecutive night of bombardment

'by the German Air Force.'

We have a huge challenge before us.

It's up to us, the Revudeville,

to fortify London in a way that sandbags and anti-aircraft cannot.

They may bomb our city, destroy our homes,

kill our friends and neighbours, but through it all,

our show will continue.

We will never stop performing and we will never close.

(He thinks he's bloody Winston Churchill.)

Some of our family are going. Called up.

Thank God our Bertie has a heart murmur.

It may be wise for some of you to move into the theatre. We have room.

And because we're underground, we're safe.

Of course, we'll all have our war duties as well as theatrical ones.

But, we will pitch in.

And we will do our bit.

That is beautifully put, Mr Van Damm.

I am sure we will all make the necessary sacrifices.

Yesterday, I wanted to buy a new hat. I desisted.

I put the money in National Savings instead.

We shall come through.

# Poor old London Town is falling down

# Lots of places going up in flames

# But if you're in the know

# And find out where to go

# You'll find the love is very much the same... #

DRUMBEAT

CHEERING

# We're babies of the Blitz

# Our boudoir is blown to bits

# We're living underground Patrolling on our wits

# By day, we're knitting mufflers or cutting canteen cakes

# But that role doesn't ruffle us cos we've got what it takes

# It's no longer safe to tarry at Cafe de Paris

# So we're ladies-in-waiting now

# To do our little bits

# No wearing dungareeses to hide our silken kneeses

# Keep the old flag flying We're the b-b-babies of the Blitz

# Tin hats may hide our coiffures for a while

# Their shelter boots conceal our dainty feet

# But beneath this tough external

# There's something that's eternal

-# Ask the Air Force

-Or the Army

-Or the Fleet

# We're babies of the Blitz

# And when their leave permits

# We welcome back the boys

# Who fly the Hurricanes and Schmitts

# Whilst bosses of munitions and businessmen

# Must park their inhibitions And make whoopee

# And make whoopee And make whoopee now and then

# We like sophistication and recreation

# We're what the doctor ordered

# After chasing Messerschmitts

# So long as there is rhythm

# And good meals and we are with them

# They won't exterminate

-# The babies

-Babies

-Babies

# Babies of the Blitz! #

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

RUMBLE OF EXPLOSIONS

Ken said you were up here. I didn't believe him.

-Why ever not?

-It's bloody dangerous, that's why.

-Come on down.

-Oh, dear, oh, dear.

The aircraft have passed. Look, you can see them over the East End.

You're ever so cautious, Mr Van Damm.

One shouldn't be overly so at times like these.

Everyone should be cautious.

EXPLOSION

You don't seem to take war too seriously, Mrs Henderson.

I wonder what you were like when you were young.

Rather dashing, I dare say.

And filled with hope.

My mind turns towards young men these days.

You see, Mr Van Damm,

I take war far more seriously than you can ever dare imagine.

CHEER

# That's all

# Blue nightfall above me

HUMS

# Bring me that someone

# To love me... #

No, you'll have to cover her faster than that.

-You need to be a lot faster.

-Those things weigh a ton, Bertie.

Go on, take five minutes.

Oh, my dear, how generous.

-My goodness!

-Gin. Helps steel our nerves for the air raids.

It does seem they're no longer bombing during the tableaux.

That's because Mr Van Damm sent Hitler our programme.

Professional courtesy between Fuhrers.

You're all so energetic and courageous.

We're the only theatre still playing in the West End.

Then you all go out with the soldiers after the show.

But I don't. I never go out.

My dear, why ever not?

Before I started stripping off for a living, I was always falling in love.

I was hopeless.

Never again.

So I have become a right little priss.

A naked spinster.

And that is the way I like it.

Who would have dreamed that standing on a stage without any clothes on

would be the safest place to be.

# Then deep in my arms

# What can he say, but, yes?

# That's all blue nightfall

# Above me....

WOLF WHISTLING

# ..to love me

# To love me

# To love me. #

Could you, er, come this way, sir.

Mrs Henderson would like to speak to you.

-Who's the flower for?

-(For the girl inside the fan.)

-Speak up, dear.

-The girl in the fan.

Oh, yes.

-How old are you?

-21.

-21?

-Too young for her, I suppose.

Come back tomorrow night.

Sweet.

I was always afraid that I'd end up in a florist shop.

-And now you are.

-I'm getting hay fever.

-And who is Paul?

-I have no idea.

Are you girls decent? Oh, good.

I have brought someone. This is Paul. GIGGLE

Oh, I see. Erm, girls, can you, er...?

-(I was looking forward to, er...)

-Speak up, dear.

-Would you mind if I had a moment alone?

-Of course.

Thank you.

-You've sent all these flowers.

-Don't be foolish.

I recognise your florist. He can't afford this sort of thing.

-He comes from a very distinguished family.

-Mrs Henderson.

Truth is so prosaic.

He's young, that's all. And rather well put together, wouldn't you say?

That face.

He's young. And in five days, he goes to the Front.

And he may not come back. And it is so lonely out there...

-In the trenches.

-Yes, I know the word.

Books have been written about the last war.

I have actually read some of them.

I suppose he saw me on stage and fell in love.

Mrs Henderson,

one night my bicycle went off the road.

And the next thing I knew, I was an illusion.

Cos that's all we are up there. But the odd thing is,

I am still in that river, and I want to be rescued,

but not by some drum roll or applause, or a soldier's fantasy.

Oh, dear, you are such a tiresome generation.

You want love. We got along nicely without it, thank you very much.

I don't see why that boy's fantasy is any more foolish than yours.

Oh, damn.

-She loved your flowers, dear.

-What flowers?

# You are the promised kiss of springtime

# That makes the lonely winter seem long

# You are the breathless hush of evening

# That lingers on the brink of a lovely song

# You are the angel glow that lights a star

# The dearest things I know

# Are what you are

# Someday

# My happy arms will hold you

# And someday

# I'll know that moment divine

# When all the things you are

# Are mine

# Time and again I've longed for adventure

# Something to make my heart beat the-faster

# What did I long for? I never really knew

# Finding your love I found my adventure

# Touching your hand My heart beats the-faster

# All that I want In all of this world

# Is you

# You are the angel glow

# That lights a star

# The dearest things I know are what you are

# Someday my happy arms will hold you

# And someday

# I'll know that moment divine

# When all the things you are

# Are

# Mine... #

Trouble, boss.

-Is it that bloody woman again?

-Oh, no, not this time, VD.

Open up. Do you want me to knock the door down?

-You'll hurt your shoulder.

-Get inside.

-You can't do this!

-Why not?

-You're part of our family.

-That's a terrible choice of words.

-What?!

-I don't want to discuss it.

But you have to tell me what's behind this. You owe it to me.

-My concern for the aesthetics of Revudeville.

-What?

I don't think you want a nude on stage who is pregnant.

(Christ!) We were having a private discussion.

-Can we have a quick change?

-Yeah.

That was a particularly fine programme.

-I am so very pleased with myself.

-Please, go back to the theatre.

We don't have time for your nonsense. We have a crisis.

Why? What ever is wrong?

Maureen has sent me a letter of resignation.

-Don't be ridiculous. Why would she?

-She's pregnant.

-'Two minutes, girls!'

-Oh, my dear.

-I need some air.

You can work as a singer for the next few months.

-We'll keep you on salary until...

-I can't think clearly. I need air.

-I'm so sorry. Was it...?

-Who else would it be?

He sent me a letter. He's going back to his girlfriend.

His girlfriend. They all have girlfriends.

The crazy thing is, I fell for him.

It's not your fault. I'm a grown girl. I knew what I was doing.

-But he had such a sweet face.

-They all have sweet faces.

You live in your own world, Mrs Henderson.

I'm sorry. Excuse me. I don't want to say something I shouldn't.

-I need some tea and some air.

-She said it's not your fault.

-That can only mean one thing.

-Which is?

-That it IS your fault.

-What have you been up to?

-Nothing.

-Have you been giving her advice?

-Excuse me. I want to take some air.

You can't go out. The sirens went.

-We didn't hear anything.

-A few minutes ago.

-Maureen has gone out.

-Why didn't you stop her?!

-Where is she going?

-For some air.

-No, for tea, she said.

EXPLOSION

You foolish, foolish woman. Look what you've done.

I thought yes, she's selfish and rude and eccentric,

but that goes with her class. I can live with that. I was a fool.

You don't know anything about the real world, do you?

# Tropical charms

-# Lend us your loveliness... #

-APPLAUSE

It's not the same. Let's cut the number.

The boys love it, boss.

I am from the Lord Chamberlain's office. This is for you.

-I have to close your theatre.

-What?!

It's causing too many people to congregate in front of it. Sorry.

-Telephone the newspapers. Get them down here.

-Yes, boss.

Maggie?

I know where to find her.

Tell her to come to the theatre immediately.

Mrs Henderson would like to see Lord Cromer as soon as possible.

Here. At the theatre.

-I don't think the Lord Chamberlain is available.

-Nonsense.

Mrs Henderson wishes to see him. Pray, pass the message.

There's nothing I can do. The theatre is closed.

Clear a path, please. Please, clear a path.

-We ain't moving until you open up.

-There's nothing I can do.

-I see the press are here, Van Damm.

-Yes.

I don't know how they got hold of it.

-Good afternoon, Mrs Henderson.

-Maggie.

This way.

There seems to be a nationwide desire to keep this theatre open.

Nationwide?! Please don't be delusional.

I have learnt in these many years of dealing with "artists"

to detest imagination.

Excuse me. Excuse me.

This street must be clear. It presents a very clear public danger.

I may have to ask the police to interfere.

I'll talk to them.

What a commotion.

They think the theatre encourages what they call over-congregating.

It seems that we're too popular.

-We'd stay open if we were a failure? How ridiculous!

-Listen, everybody.

We have no choice. The government is forcing us to close.

One more light dimming in the heart of London.

He's turning into Winston again.

What Herr Hitler was unable to do,

our own leaders are determined to accomplish.

They are going to close the Windmill.

Oh. Excuse me. Excuse me. Would you let me through?

Excuse me. Excuse me. BOOING

Thank you. That's most kind. Thank you. Thank you.

Excuse me.

Hello, everybody.

May I... Hello, Tommy.

May I introduce myself. I am Mrs Henderson.

You might see my name on the board over there. Mrs Henderson Presents.

I'm Mrs Henderson and I've presented the Windmill for four years now.

Let me tell you why.

Are you able to see me? CROWD: No.

-Here you are, ma'am.

-That is so sweet.

-Are you American?

-Yes.

-Strange people, lovely manners.

Thank you, dear. Now...

there was a war before this one.

It was meant to end all wars.

I lost my son in that war. My only son, Alec.

He was 21.

He perished through poison gas, I believe...

TEARFUL ..on a field in France.

After, some time after,

I went to his room to clear away his things

and I discovered the most amazing thing -

what I believe you call a French postcard. LAUGHTER

Photograph of a naked woman. He had been hiding it.

And I realised that Alec had probably gone to his death

without ever seeing a woman naked in real life.

Well, I thought that was the most...

awful thing.

When you lose a son in the war, you do know, whatever anyone might say,

that his death has been in vain.

It won't stop others from following other wars, other young men.

Years later, after my husband had died and I was on my own,

I decided to buy a theatre and put on a nude revue so that boys like Alec

would never be in the same predicament.

As long as the Windmill exists,

there's no need for a sad little postcard stashed underneath a bed.

LAUGHTER

Sometimes my feelings towards our young men in uniform...

..have lead me to foolish actions,

which I do, in my very soul, regret.

But I do know this,

that my desire to present this gift to our young men

has not been wrong.

If we are to ask our youth to surrender their lives,

then we should not ask them to surrender joy.

Or the possibility of joy.

And if we cause too many people to congregate in the street...

..who gives a fiddler's fuck?! APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

There, I've said it.

SIRENS WAIL Oh, dear, another air raid.

Don't you think everyone will be so much safer inside?

-CROWD: Yes!

-Oh, for Christ's sake, Van Damm.

Take down that stupid sign and let your public in.

APPLAUSE

UPLIFTING MUSIC

# The sails of the windmill were turning

# Four years of the war had begun

# And we know they'll keep turning for many years more

# When the war will be over and won

# Blow, winds from the south

# Blow, winds from the north

# Turn the sails of the windmill round

# Blow, winds from the east

# Blow, winds from the west

# Oh, the wind is a welcome sound... #

TRUMPET SOLO

I thought so.

-You're going to ask me to come down, aren't you?

-I wouldn't dream of it.

Now you know my secrets.

Yes.

-And I know none of yours.

-No.

Well, actually, I think you do.

-We have made rather a go of it, haven't we?

-Yes.

You're irritating but I wouldn't have missed this for the world.

-I feel quite the same.

-Hmmm.

Even though you are a very irritating man.

-So, we'll continue?

-I'm game, if you are?

-Oh, yes.

-Passes the time of day.

-Yes.

Let's watch the rest of the show.

You go inside. I'll stand here for a while.

As you wish.

-Would you fancy a dance?

-A dance?! Where?

-Here.

-Won't it be dangerous?

-You're quite right.

I am a very cautious man, but it won't be dangerous, not tonight.

-Just one dance?

-Mr Van Damm.

-Mrs Henderson.

# Blow, winds from the south

# Blow, winds from the north

# Turn the sails of the windmill round

# Blow, winds from the east

# Blow, winds from the west

# Oh, the wind is a welcome sound

# Blow, winds from the south

# Blow, winds from the north

# Turn the sails of the windmill round

# Blow, winds from the east

# Blow, winds from the west

# Oh, the wind

# Is a welcome so-ound! #

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

-Ow! You've severed my toe.

-Nonsense. I didn't touch it.

-You're rather clumsy.

-That's not something you say to a partner.

You should've taken lessons beforehand.

I am a very good dancer, thank you very much.

In India, only delicate men are good dancers.

-The ungainly are not so.

-Listen, you old battle-axe...

Don't you dare speak to me like that!

# There's a lake in the park There's a house by the lake

# There's a girl in the house in the park by the lake

# And the girl in the house by the lake in the park

# Is the girl in the little green hat

# And tonight after eight that's when I have got a date

# When the moon's riding high and the stars light the sky

# With the girl in the house by the lake in the park

# The girl in the little green hat

# There's no water in the lake There's no roof upon the house

# No trees in the park at all

# But she'll wait beside the lake I'll be welcome at the house

# I'll meet her by the garden wall

# There's a ship on the lake There's a sailor on the shore

# There's a girl in his arms She's the girl I adore

# So goodbye to the house by the lake in the park

# And the girl in the little green hat

# There's a storm on the lake There's a ship in the storm

# There's a girl on the ship in the storm on the lake

# And the girl in the lake on the ship in the storm

# Is the girl in the little green hat

# As the ships starts to dip she is losing her grip

# Every dip makes a tip, not the girl but the ship

# But the girl on the ship has the pip from the trip

# The girl in the little green hat

# She has been sailing quite enough She has been clinging to the rails

# She has been dying to be home once more

# Cos the lake is rather rough and the girl is rather pale

# She is glad to get her feet on shore

# As she gave up the ship and the captain and his men

# For a round-ticket trip through my arms once again

# Now I am back in the park with the house by the lake

# With the girl in the little green hat! #

# We're babies of the Blitz

# Our boudoir is blown to bits

# We're living underground, patrolling our wits

# By day we're knitting mufflers or cutting canteen cakes

# But that role doesn't ruffle us cos we've got what it takes

# It's no longer safe to tarry at Cafe de Paris

# So we're ladies-in-waiting now

# To do our little bits

# No wearing dungareeses to hide our silken kneeses

# Keep the old flag flying, we're the b-b-babies of the Blitz

# Tin hats may hide our coiffures for a while

# Their shelter boots conceal our dainty feet

# Beneath this tough external

# There's something that's eternal

-# Ask the Air Force

-Or the Army

-Or the Fleet

# We're babies of the Blitz

# And when their leave permits We welcome back the boys

# Who fly the Hurricanes and Schmitts

# Whilst bosses of munitions and businessmen

# Must park their inhibitions

# And make whoopee And make whoopee

# And make whoopee now and then

# We like sophistication and recreation

# We're what the doctor ordered

# After chasing Messerschmitts

# So long as there is rhythm

# And good meals and we are with them

# They won't exterminate

-# The babies

-Babies

-Babies

# Babies of the Blitz! #