The Hot Chick

Where's my bride?

My wedding dress. Quickly, put it on.

Soon you will live your life in jewels and not chains.

Come, child. Your groom awaits you.

FLAMES ROAR

# Honeybees, all right, all right

# Say "Honeybees", all right Whoa!

# Honeybees, all right, all right Say "Honeybees", all right

# Go, Honeybees! #

CHEERING

-You ready, Hindenburg?

-Yes.

-Great.

-I have one question. Why am I dressed like a Fenmore Fox?

Aren't they our hated rivals?

Yes, but this year's theme is unity, for all cheerleaders.

-Oh.

-Have fun.

BOOING AND HISSING

-CHANT:

-# Wipe out the Foxes #

BOOING

Ugh!

BOTH CHANT: Boys are cheats and liars, they're such a big disgrace,

they will tell you anything to get to second...

Baseball, baseball, he thinks he's gonna score.

If you let him go all the way then you are...

a horticulturist studies...

LAUGHTER

-Oh, no, she didn't.

-Oh, yes, she did.

-Girlfriend's booty be all wrapped up "licious".

-All wrapped up.

You're dope and phat yourselves.

Ling-Ling, you forgot lunch, baby pie.

Chicken with five vegetable. Bulgogi and kim chi.

-Thanks, Mom.

-OK.

You all learn real good now.

-BOTH: Ling-Ling?!

-Can somebody answer the phone(?)

Oh, dang, that's messed up.

Out of all the Korean liquor stores, why did my Dad walk into that one?

I am returning your papers on the Salem witch trials.

I'm sad to report that Eden here got the only A.

Well, that's not fair. She was the only one who was actually there.

LAUGHTER

CHANTS SPELL

Vice Principal Bernard.

Oh, Miss Spencer. Wonderful job. You know how to whip up a crowd.

As pretty as you are, I bet you whipped 'em up when you were captain.

Me? Oh, no, I was much more of a band chick, actually.

Tuba - lead tuba. Honour band.

Then, you wouldn't mind writing us some passes so we can practise.

Oh, I don't know about that.

That trophy is gonna look so good in your office.

Oh, all right.

# That's what girls do

# Keep you guessing the whole day through...

ALL SING: # Play your emotions and push all your buttons, it's true... #

ALL GIGGLE

# ..That's what girls do

# That's what they do

# You ask me why

# I gotta play so hard to get... #

Ugh!

# ..You ask me to play it cool just to make you sweat... #

Mmm. That's really good.

Erm, how much do I owe you?

It's OK. It's on the house.

Really?!

Thanks!

# ..That's what girls do... #

Who's gonna pay for that, asshole?

You are not gonna make it in this business.

GASPS: You total binger!

April, this is gonna go straight to your ass.

-Itch bay alert.

-Bianca.

Jessica, you look great.

Are you doing something different or hanging with skankier friends?

LAUGHTER

Bianca, you look really good, too.

Erm, are you eating less or just barfing more?

Barfing more.

-Good luck at the cheer competition.

-Yeah.

You, too.

ALARM SOUNDS

Bye-bye.

Oh, my God!

Let's go, Winona.

TRIBAL DRUMS BEAT

-Jess, what are you doing?

-Hang on a sec.

Whoa. This is kinda cool.

Can I help you, ladies?

-Oh, yeah, what is this?

-Oh, I like that, too.

It's actually a Senegalese lute carved from deer wood.

-Used for fertility rituals.

-Cool.

Oh, and you can put your weed in there.

-Oh. Check this out.

-That's beautiful.

It's actually a model of the prison on Robben Island

where Nelson Mandela was held for 27 years.

Before the collapse of apartheid.

He came out pretty hate-free, though. You know, ready to heal.

He went on to become the President of South Africa after that.

-After they freed him, of course.

-Wow.

A lot of people don't realise this, but you can put your weed in there.

-Oh.

-It's great. Sure.

Well, if you have any more questions, I'll be in the back sleeping, so...

-Great.

-OK. Thanks.

Actually, this is the back. Sorry.

This stuff makes me feel so proud to be African-American.

Ling-Ling! You walk right by Crazy Nail, no say hi me.

Hi, Mom.

Bye, girls.

(Fake pearls!)

DRUMS BEAT

Stop banging those drums!

I'm sorry. I didn't even know you could hear that.

Oh, my God! Look at those earrings.

I'll be the envy of every girl at prom.

Not like that was in jeopardy or anything.

-Excuse me. How much are these?

-Not for sale. A genuine artefact.

Oh.

(No! No!)

OK, I'm all set.

Is that all you got? 18?!

It's a gas station. Everybody pays with credit cards nowadays.

Help yourself to some nachos.

BELL RINGS

-MUFFLED:

-Hey, that's for Doug Flutie's kids!

BELL RINGS

BELL RINGS

BELL RINGS

BELL RINGS

BELL RINGS

-MUFFLED:

-I'm in here! Help!

BELL RINGS

Ah! Ah!

They look really good.

Erm, excuse me!

Gas cap's on that side.

Er, hello?

Full service. And, erm, could you, like,

check the oil and all that other junk under the hood?

(Like his job is that hard.)

Minimum wage for a maximum loser.

Good one.

Hey, check this out.

HORN BLARES Ow!

ALL GIGGLE

-Sorry. Accident.

-You're so bad!

OK. OK.

How much you bet I can get him again?

HORN BLARES

Ow!

Oops!

Bye!

MUSIC: "Bobby" by Len

-< Ooh-la-la. I'm so pretty.

-Booger.

Booger! I told you not to go through my stuff.

-What are you doing wearing my bra?

-I'm not wearing your bra.

I was holding it against myself.

Get outta my room, you little turd! Wait a minute.

-What happened to you?

-Nothing.

Did that Cavanaugh kid do this to you?

All right, come here. You know, he is such a punk!

You know, one of these days he's gonna get it.

There ya go. Better.

Is that my lipstick?

GROANS WITH FRUSTRATION

HORN SOUNDS

# Give me all your fear

# Throw it all away

# Think about the good things

# No matter what they say

# We'll take tomorrow, baby

# Yeah

# One day at a time #

Oh, Jess, when you do that, my whole leg tingles and shakes.

Really? Well, what happens if I kiss you...

..there?

You have to come snowboarding with me this weekend.

Silly Billy Nilly. I told you, I'm not having sex with you.

No. We could sip hot chocolate and play Scrabble.

You call it whatever you want, I'm still not having sex with you.

Billy, look.

You know how important this is to me.

And when that special moment happens, I just... I want it to be perfect.

I would never dream of rushing you.

Thank you, Billy.

If you change your mind, we could go together. I'll wait behind for ya.

Front, behind, I'm still not doing it.

Good night, Billy.

LAUGHS

Oh, your life is like a fairy tale. You and Billy are totally Disney.

You know, it's scary sometimes.

I don't know what I'd do if things weren't so perfect.

"I'm so glad you're my best friend."

HE CHUCKLES GREEDILY

LAUGHS

I'll see you tomorrow. OK. Good night. Bye.

WATER TRICKLES

SCREAMS

WHIMPERS

SCREAMS

SCREAMS

BANG!

Ah! Ha!

-KNOCK ON DOOR

-Jessica, is everything all right?

Yes, Mother.

It's just a spider - a really big disgusting spider.

-"Hi, it's April. Leave a message."

-This isn't happening.

Oh, sick! Sick!

Oh!

Ooh!

Ow! Oh! Ow!

DOG BARKS

Oh!

Hey, Dad. Can I have this cake for breakfast?

Er, yeah. Whatever. Go for it.

Booger, what the hell are you doing eating my boss's cake?

I thought you said I could eat it.

ALARM SOUNDS

Oh, God.

Where's my...?!

SCHOOL BELL RINGS

MOBILE BEEPS

-Hello?

-"April, it's me - Jessica."

I need you to meet me after class.

-Is this really Jessica?

-Yes!

Oh, my God. Are you getting a cold? The competition's only a week away!

DEEP VOICE: We have bigger problems.

SOFT MALE VOICE: April!

SOFT MALE VOICE: April! DEEP VOICE: April!

SCARED GASP

You stay away from me! I have pepper spray on my key chain.

KEYS JINGLE

April, I need you so bad right now. You have no idea.

How do you know my name?

It's me -

Jessica.

I'm in here.

-What did you do with her?

-I don't know what happened.

I woke up this morning...

..like this.

Ah!

And what did I tell you about these?! They go straight to your ass.

-People are gonna be looking for me!

-Please believe me.

-I'm warning you!

Please?! I'm Jessica! APRIL SCREAMS

Ah! Ow! Oh!

Oh!

Oh, my God!

I think I broke a rib!

My eyes burn!

I can't breathe!

This morning I woke up a man!

This is by far the worst day of my life!

April!

Do you remember in second grade...

when you moved here from Arkansas?

Everybody threw rocks at you because you talked funny

and your front two teeth were brown.

I was your only friend.

I gave you that locket around your neck

when your grandmother was sick.

You said...

You said...

We'd be bestest friends forever.

Boys are cheats and liars,

they're such a big disgrace.

-BOTH:

-They will tell you anything to get to second...

Baseball, baseball. He thinks he's gonna score.

If you let him go all the way

then you are a... Horticulturist studies flowers.

Geologists studies rocks.

The only thing a guy wants from you is a place to put his...

Cockroaches, beetles, butterflies and bugs.

Nothing makes him happier than a giant pair of...

Jugglers and acrobats, and dancing bear named Chuck.

All guys really want to do is... Forget it, no such luck.

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

How did this happen?

I don't know what to do.

OK. OK. SCHOOL BELL RINGS

Here.

Go to mine, wait in my room. Don't worry. We'll figure this out.

Here.

Here you go.

You are my bestest bestest friend.

Ow!

Ow!

-Watch the beard.

-Sorry.

MUSIC: "Liquid Saint" by Firecracker

Hi.

OK, so listen. She bought it.

I told your mom you're going skiing with Billy's family.

That'll at least buy us the weekend.

You think I'll be stuck like this all weekend?!

Oh.

Ow.

Ahh!

Gross.

I've got hair everywhere! In my nose, in my ears, on my chin.

I'm afraid to look anywhere else.

It's like I'm an ad for hair.

OK, well, listen. Maybe this will help.

OK.

Oh.

Yeah. OK. Against the grain.

-Ready?

-Mm-hm.

-Hold still.

-AARGH!

DEEP GROANING

Er...

Ow!

So...

So, er...

What?

Do you really have a penis?

April!

-Can I see it?

-What is the matter with you?!

I don't think you get the gravity of the situation here.

You're right. You're right. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Can I see it?

What is your problem?

What?! It's not every day that your best friend grows a penis.

Do you wanna see it?

OK. Fine.

If it'll shut you up.

Nice.

Nice.

I mean, you know, I've only seen a couple,

but that's definitely top five.

How many have you seen?

Five. Not including my little brother's.

You little tramp!

SHE SCREAMS

Ow! Oh! Oh! Mother...

Oh! Oh.

Stan, I am beginning to worry about April.

She has been acting rather strange.

-Is it drugs?

-No. No.

I think it's her hormonal development.

She just ate six peanut butter and jelly sandwiches

and an entire carton of ice cream.

And what do you make of this? Hm?

It's April's soap. Well?

-What do you think?

-I think you need more things to fill out your day.

OK? Are we done?

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

All right, who is this?

I should've made love to you when I had the chance.

Father Mulcahy?

PHONE BEEPS

Tell me I'm beautiful.

On the inside.

Look, er, Jessica has a problem.

She's gonna make us wait an hour?

On the class trip she took so long in the bathroom we missed the bus.

Our parents had to drive three hours to pick us up!

I had my period, OK?

ALL GASP

ALL LAUGH

Now that everybody's up to speed,

start thinking about how to get my life back.

That's definitely gonna cost ya a few votes for prom queen.

ALL ROAR WITH LAUGHTER

OK, come on. Let's get serious. Stop dicking around.

Guys!

I've got cheerleading competition, the prom.

None of my clothes fit. I'm going bald. How am I gonna go to school?

She's right. OK. Let's think.

What could have caused this?

Maybe it wasn't an accident.

It's gotta be one of the people who hates Jessica!

What are you talking about? People don't hate me.

You see, Jess,

because you are so beautiful and perfect...

-Uh-huh.

-..certain people might misconstrue

some of the mean and hurtful things you say and do to them.

Although the things you say are funny,

people tend to focus more on their own public humiliation and shame.

So, you're saying people think I'm perfect?

Let's make a list of those who hate Jessica.

You know what'd be a shorter list? All the people who don't hate her.

You bitch!

BANGING AND GIGGLING

Easy on the coffee.

ALL GIGGLE

Oh!

Oh. Oh, hi.

Good morning.

-Did ya sleep well?

-Surprisingly, yes.

Did you have any...special dreams?

Not particularly.

Hm. You sure?

Why?

Oh, my God! My first boner!

-There you are! You're the gardener?

-SPANISH ACCENT: Si.

Lawn's a mess. It's my daughter's responsibility to look after it,

-but you know teenage girls.

-Si. Si. Teenageros.

Sorry. Richie Spencer.

Er... Erm...

Taquito?

Oh, Taquito. There's the mower.

There's your bag of fertiliser. I'll let you get to it.

Damn! I love the smell of fresh cut grass.

Gracias. But I am not sure I am old enough, senor.

Yeah, right(!) What's the drinking age in Mexico, 40?

Come on. Take a load off. You can finish in a minute.

Hope you don't mind the light beer.

I had to cut back on account of the bloating. Know what I mean?

-I also had to give up the spicy food on account of my asshole.

-HE FARTS

We're amongst men, aren't we?

Stinko de Mayo.

You like that car? That's my daughter's. Pretty nice, huh?

-Would've looked even better in red.

-That's what my daughter said.

We used to go out back and toss a few baskets, shoot the shit.

But she's got her own stuff going on now. Whole family's falling apart.

What?

Things with the wife. Forget about it.

I mean, we sleep in the same bed, might as well be separate countries.

That is, like, so sad.

Aye, aye, aye. Aye, aye, aye.

I tried everything, nothing worked.

I even got out the razor and gave myself a porn-star trim. Wanna see?

SCREECHES

Boy, she used to be wild. The sex was great.

We'd be going at it and she'd still find a way to kiss me.

Senor, information too mucho.

-Emotional scarro. Disgusting.

-It's good talking to you, Taquito.

# It's how the hustle goes

# See what the jukebox knows

# Put my last quarter on

# I play "Authority Song"

# Honesty or mystery? Tell me, I'm not scared any more

# I got no secret purpose

# I don't seem obvious, do I? #

Hey, Jessica. Come here.

-We've got a suspect.

-Oh, yes!

-Come on!

Something smells like dog poo.

I think I'm sitting next to it.

Eww!

Come on, Hildenberg. Don't play dumb.

You hate Jessica. You're good at science.

Confess and give us the antidote.

It's impossible for a woman to transform into a man overnight.

You're saying that you had nothing to do with this?

Look.

Let's pretend this was an alternate universe where I believed you.

Why would I wanna help Jessica out anyway?

Jessica!

Hildenberg,

I'm sorry that I humiliated you in front of the entire school

and the visiting eighth graders.

But you have no idea what it's like

to wake up every morning

and have to shave your chin.

SNORTS

Yes, I do.

Who's next on the list?

-Whoa.

-Well, it is cold in here.

-So, you never put a hex on me?

-I've put plenty on you.

To give you dandruff and make your hair fall out,

make one boob bigger than the other.

Oh, I think you got me with that one!

LAUGH NERVOUSLY

There's some powerful occult magic at work here,

like an ancient spell,

or voodoo or Santeria.

-What's Santeria?

-A Latin-based form of witchcraft.

It originated in Africa and then made its way to Cuba and Brazil.

-Bianca!

-I knew it!

-Most of its rituals involve a chicken.

-That sounds delicious.

-I mean interesting.

-There's a way to tell.

A true practitioner of Santeria

bears the mark of the scorpion tattooed on their back.

Bianca's always hanging out at that dance club Instant Tang.

Tonight's ladies' night and we get in for free!

Well, most of us.

Trust me. You'll never get Bianca to dance with you looking like this.

# Oh, yeah you're pretty good looking for a girl

# But your back is so broken

# And this feeling's still gonna linger on

# Until the year 2525

# Yeah, you're pretty good looking for a girl

# Your eyes are wide open and your thoughts have been stolen

# By the boys who took you out and bought you everything you want

# Yeah, you're pretty good looking

# Oh, yeah, you're pretty good looking

# Oh, yeah, for a girl #

-What?

-Nothing.

You just look good.

-Really?

-Yeah.

OK. Thanks.

GIGGLES

BOTH: No, she's not gonna...

-Yeah, she is.

-Mmmm.

Wow. That is so good.

That's 8.95.

What?

Aren't you just gonna take it out of your tip jar?

-COUGHS: 8.95?

-Yeah.

-I got that.

# When I rock like this

# Rock like this Rock like this

# When I rock like this

# When I rock like this it's rhythm

# When I rock like this

# Rock like this Rock like this

# When I rock like this

# When I rock like this it's rhythm... #

I'll take two banana daiquiris,

one mango, a sloe gin fizz, one slippery nipple,

and for me, a screaming orgasm on the beach with extra sugar on the rim.

Yum!

DEEP VOICE: Erm, better make that last one a brewski.

Double brewski.

They didn't even card me.

It's just like Cabo.

-How does a butt plug like that get those hot chicks?

-Dibs on the dots.

Goddamn!

Ooh, he's cute.

Check out the sweet buns on that guy.

I'd like to get my hands on those and...

DEEP VOICE: ..wish they were women's breasts and squeeze 'em.

Maybe put a steak on 'em.

Cos I'm a guy. That's what guys like me like to do.

But I don't need to tell you that.

Bianca!

MUSIC: "Somebody Hit the Lights" by Christina Milian

I'll show her. This is my song.

Remember the scorpion on her back.

I'll find it.

# Seven days a week

# Now, when you're driving in your 4x4

# And you turn this up on your stereo

# Whether night or day, non-stop you'll play

-# You know you still want more...

-Hey!

# So find a honey that's standing on the wall

# All the girls get the guys on the floor

# From the front to the back, let's go, hear this

-# Woo!...

-Eww!

# Somebody hit the lights

# So we can rock it day and night

# People getting down, that's right...

-Her tattoo!

-I don't see it.

# Everybody looking like stars

# All the chicks and the fellas in the bars... #

-Right hand - red.

-Left hand - blue.

Oh!

RIP! BIANCA SCREAMS

MUSIC: "Shake Ya Ass" by Mystikal

# Shake ya fanny Watch yourself

# Shake ya fanny Show me what you're working with

# Shake ya fanny Watch yourself

# Shake ya fanny Show me what you're working with

# Shake ya fanny Watch yourself

-# Shake ya fanny... #

-CHEERS

APPLAUSE

-It's definitely not her.

-Don't worry, we'll figure this out.

You're a great dancer.

You're just noticing that now?

I gotta hit the little girls' room before I soak my panties.

DEEP VOICE: By that I mean my girlfriend's panties.

Which I carry with me to pee in if I don't make it in time...

to the bathroom.

What? You don't pee in your girlfriend's panties?

What kind of gay club is this?

Hey, everybody, check out this guy.

Not peeing in his chick's panties.

Excuse me. Do you have to be in here for this?

It's part of my job description,

but if you're one of those shy guys, why don't you try that stall there.

FARTING

Er, there's someone in there.

They're gonna be a while. I told him to stay away from the calamari.

FARTING

Some folks think they can eat anything that crawls.

Would you mind?

Ah! Oh!

Excuse me.

-Why is there ice in there?

-Eww! I wouldn't have done that.

TRICKLING WATER

You're good at that. You make it look so easy.

Why don't you just take a picture(?)

All right. Here goes.

Disgusting! Wrinkly. Gross.

I've never done this before. It's going all over!

Aim at something. Like that cigarette there or the big mint.

-It's going everywhere!

-You got to hold onto it.

Not too tight, but enough to let it know you the boss.

See that fly? Aim for him.

-That's helping.

-That's it.

Remember, if you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it.

I don't know how I could ever thank you.

-Hi.

-That was an experience.

-Here's your drink.

-Is there any ice in here?

-No.

-Thank God.

Hey. Aren't you that chick who's having sex with that college guy?

No.

Wanna be?

She's not interested, OK? So, why don't you just back off?

OK, Grandpa(!) What are you, their pimp? And these are your skank hos?

You and me, right now. Let's go.

-Where are we going?

-No!

Jess!

-Come on, Jess. Come on!

-What do you got, geezer? Come on!

SHOUTING

Show me what ya got. Come on!

What the...?

-What's he doing?

-Some kinda tae queer do.

That's it!

Yeah!

CHEER

-That really does hurt.

-Thanks for sticking up for me.

Now, go kick some ass.

Oh! Ah!

RIP!

You think you're so cool cos you can pee with your penis.

Get a new conditioner. Your ends are totally split.

-April, I don't know.

-Oh, come on. It's the only way to be in school.

Here comes Jake.

-Hi.

-Hey, babe. Skiing sucked.

-You didn't miss a thing. It was all mushed out.

-Oh.

What's with the scarf?

It's kinda chilly in here. Brrr.

Ski rash.

I'm gonna... Better... I'm gonna go to class. All right.

-April, I am so sorry.

-He didn't even ask me to the prom.

Jake and I are so over.

OK.

Now, you get in there. And remember, your name is Spence.

I must tell you, Spence, er,

there are applicants who actually have prior janitorial experience.

Your hair, it has such bounce.

Oh, it's this new cream.

Er, anyway, as I was saying, you haven't really provided me -

Look. Er...

I'll be honest with you. I'm a struggling musician.

Ever since my days playing the tuba in the high school marching band.

Y-You play the tuba?

Yes. In the honour band.

Oh.

Well, Spence, I'd be going out on a limb, but...

You won't regret it, I promise. Thank you, Miss Bernard. Thank you.

-Please call me Marjorie.

-Marjorie.

Now, if you'll just fill out the security portion here of the form.

All right.

Billy. SCREAMS:

-We need to talk.

-About what?!

-I called you on your ski trip to -

-That was you?

-Yeah.

-Oh, God!

-I can explain!

Billy, wait!

I gotta do what?

Hi.

I missed you. Hi, Sam.

Hey, Taquito! Think fast! Oh!

-You got me, senor.

-Pick up that ball. We are gonna shoot some hoops.

MEXICAN MUSIC

Take that shit back to Tijuana!

Let me make you feel a little bit more at home.

Goooooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaal!

-How are things with the missus, senor?

-Still not getting any.

When did you last kiss her?

You mean, "kiss her" or "kiss her, kiss her"?

GROANS IN DISGUST

When a woman is ignoring you,

that's when she wants you the most.

She's only waiting for you to open up her passion,

which is like a waterfall

waiting to explode.

You must get a lot of enchilada, Taquito. Come on! Bring it!

-Tres points, senor?

-Lucky shot.

My outs again, senor?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

How did you know I don't move so well to my right?

Booger!

Oh. Have you seen your sister? I haven't talked to her in days.

-She was here a minute ago. You just missed her.

-Oh.

Good game.

Senor Richie.

I need to tell you something, but I can't.

What do ya got going on, Taquito?

I'm not really a gardener.

I agree with that. The roses look like shit.

I'm sorry.

Come on, now. Easy there, big fella. They're just roses.

I wanted to tell you,

I think you're the greatest dad in the world.

And any kid would be lucky to have you as their father.

Thanks, Taquito.

I'd hate to see ya after ya lose a game(!)

-Did you eat any wolfsbane?

-Er, no.

-Any sex with a leprechaun?

-Not recently.

Oh, my God!

They should come with a warning, "Earrings may come with penis."

This be some serious shit.

Those belong to Princess Nawa. There is a myth

of her using the earrings to escape a bad marriage.

DRUMS RUMBLE

But she didn't know that she had to bring the earrings back together

and she lived out her life as a slave girl.

Now, it appears that this myth is anything but...

Would you stop with the damn drumming?!

Oh, I'm sorry. I just was really getting into your story.

You've got to find that other earring

and unite them before the full moon end.

MUSIC: "Mess" by Custom

# I'm a messed up kid

# With a messed up head

# Driving this wreck of a life through all the yellows and reds...

I got you, babe.

# Cos my messed up parents messed up

-# And had me...

-< Ling-Ling! Ling-Ling!

Look! I help you. I help you.

# They're all a mess just like me

# If you put us all together it gets really ugly

# I'm a mess... #

Hey, Billy!

-Oh!

-Yeah!

Is he OK?

What's the matter? You afraid the janitor's gonna see your ding-dong?

LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

-So, what's up with you and the prom queen?

-I don't know.

I thought everything was fine but I guess I was wrong.

That's why you gotta have a spare. That's what April is, my spare.

-Spare?

-Yeah, she's my backup.

I mean, she was a fun ride. But she is a previously owned vehicle.

-I'm into that new car smell.

-You asshole!

Whoever left these towels over here is an asshole.

Now, this new chick I got...

WHISTLES

Dude, she is gonna be the hottest chick at the prom.

-One of her friends would love to date a quarterback.

-I don't know.

-Maybe this one will put out, unlike that cold fish Jessica.

-Go to hell!

Whoever left these showers on.

Go to hell.

Hey, Jessica's anything but a cold fish, all right?

She's the most amazing girl in the whole world.

Dude, you've never even been out of California.

I don't care. I love her.

She thinks I only wanna have sex, but that's not what it's about.

I mean, when that moment comes,

I want it to be perfect.

Wow. That is the gayest thing I have ever heard.

SPRAYS

She's the only girl

that makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

When I'm not with her, I'm not living.

I'm only existing till I can hold her in my arms again.

Hmm!

Gay. Gay. Gay. Gay.

JESS SOBS

Somebody shit in the locker.

MEXICAN MUSIC PLAYS

Can I help you find something?

I-I was looking for my earring.

It, er, accidentally fell

into the lawn mower and, er, ricocheted into the window.

I've always liked earrings on men. Would you like some lemonade?

Here you go, Taquito. It has got a Mexican flavour to it.

COUGHS

What the hell is that?

Quesadilla and spicy menudo with jalapenos. Your national dish.

I'm sorry.

It's been so long since I heard you laugh.

I mean, since I started working here.

-Oh, I am so sorry.

-No problemo.

No problemo.

Ah! Carol! Carol! Please!

This would be very unnatural for me in at least five different ways!

So, you like men?

Of course I do. What do you think?

Oh.

Oh.

Carol.

You are a beautiful and very desirable woman.

And you have a husband who's dying to be with you.

-He said that?

-Yes.

I cleaned up the language a bit, but, yes.

I know.

Let's go paint your toenails.

Then we'll wash your hair.

My daughter Jessie used to do those things for me.

I'll make up for that right now.

Come on. Let's show that man of yours what he's been missing.

Come on!

GIGGLING

Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh!

Si. Yeah. Si. Si.

Si. Uh-huh. Si. Si.

To the left. Right, right, right! Oh! Yes!

Carol!

How could you?! In my own house?!

Senor Richie.

Taquito! We were supposed to be amigos!

-The loofah for the scrubbing.

-Get out!

-Is for the the bath.

-Shut up-o!

-I was scrubbing.

-Out!

-Richie. Richie.

It's not what you think.

It's my own fault.

Oh, Daddy!

Oh, Daddy!

Look at all these earrings. It's hopeless!

I'm sorry.

The prom's in three days. Forget about the cheer competition.

I had it all.

And I never really appreciated it.

I took everybody for granted.

Oh, and today, my dad walked in on me and my mom in the tub.

I think I may have lost my job as gardener.

You know, I'm kinda sorry to say this,

but this has been really fun.

Yeah, right!

PHONE RINGS

-ANSWERPHONE BEEPS:

-"It's Jake. I got a half hour after wrestling."

I can either take a shower or I can come on over.

DEEP VOICE: Too late, dude.

"She's with me right now." She says that my pee-pee is bigger than yours.

And that's if I fold it in half.

No way!

Oh, my God. That was awesome, Spence!

Any time.

You know,

I really thought I was in love.

How do you know for sure, anyway?

I think it's when you find someone

that you can really be yourself with, share anything. You know?

-You mean like best friends?

-Yeah.

Love's when you can't even imagine what your life would be like

without that other person.

When words don't come close to how your heart really feels.

Even though it doesn't make sense to other people,

-you know you're meant to be together.

-Yeah.

You think about him all night and in the morning you feel rested.

You have to grab onto something cos your body's about to float away.

OK. I have an idea.

-What? What? What?

-It might sound kinda crazy.

Tell me. What?

Why don't you and I go to the prom together?

That would be awesome!

Ha-ha! Yeah! So cool!

-Yeah!

-We'd make Jake so jealous.

Yeah!

I gotta pee. Oh. I gotta pee.

-PEEING AND FARTING

-Oh!

-FARTING

-Oh!

PEES Oh, jeez. Sorry, I'll get that.

-Are you OK?

-I'll get it.

Sorry.

# Ash to ash

# And dust to dust

-# We dream a lot...

-Jessica?

-# ..We sold our trust... #

-Jessica!

TYRES SCREECH

Jessica! Oh, Jessica.

Oh, thank God.

I love you, baby.

-I will do anything for you.

-Yeah?

-Er, how much money you got?

-What?

-How much money you got?

-Erm...

about 40 dollars.

That your car?

It's my Dad's. You know that.

Yeah. Cool. Give me the keys.

Thanks.

Hey, er, so, er, what'd you say your name was?

-Billy.

-Oh. Yeah.

Take it easy, Bobby.

It's Billy.

LATIN MUSIC PLAYS

Yeah!

Where's Jessica?

Don't worry, Ms Bernard. She'll be here.

Hey, I really hope this works, Jessica.

-Come on. Let's go kick some ass.

-OK.

Ow!

-Dude, there's Jessica.

-Whatever.

Dude!

She does love me.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa!

# The bees are coming The bees are coming

-# Sting this! #

-That's you. That's you. I see you.

Yeah!

Oh! SHOCKED GASPS

RETCHES

Ladies and gentlemen.

It appears the older gentleman in the bee outfit with the fake boobs is the school janitor.

As per section 31C of the rule book,

school employees are allowed to be mascots.

Say "hello" to your new champions, the Bridgetown Honeys!

-Yeah!

-Yeah!

JESS LAUGHS UNCONTROLLABLY

# Give me all your fear

# Throw it all away

# Think about the good things

# No matter what they say

# We'll take tomorrow, baby

# Yeah

# One day at a time... #

-TV:

-Police are now searching for The Hot Chick Bandit -

a beautiful young woman who lures men into dark alleyways,

beats them senseless and takes their wallets.

-We thought she needed some help.

-Yeah, we're helpful guys.

We went into the alley and she starts whaling on me.

And she didn't hit like a girl.

Luckily, Fitzi was hiding behind a dumpster with a video camera.

She worked you over pretty good.

Yeah, well, don't get me wrong, I got some shots in.

Ow!

MAN CRIES

Why? Ow! Oh, God, that hurt.

Why did you...?

-PHONE RINGS:

-Hi, it's April. Leave me a message.

It's Hildenberg. I found Jessica's body.

It's in an alley. But we gotta move fast, the police are looking too.

-Whoa!

-CAT SCREECHES

SNIFFLING AND CRYING

Jessica?

Not now, Booger.

I knew it! Jessie, it is you!

How come you didn't snitch on me?

Cos you're my sister and I accept you for who you are.

Come here.

You are such a little weirdo. JESS SNIFFS

# That's right Don't be looking at me like that

# You see, my name is Grandma Funk, y'all

# Funky if ya nasty, darling... #

Oh, sweet as candy!

< Ling-Ling!

L to the I to the N to the G.

Ling-Ling, you forgot your bling-bling.

Mom, you're ruining my life.

I just wanna meet you halfway.

Nigger, please.

I wish my mama got me some bling-bling.

If you don't want her as your mama, I'll take her.

BOTH: Girl, please!

UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS

-You still think I have a chance at prom queen?

-No.

-OK.

Mom!

I'm sorry. But why do you keep embarrassing me in front of my friends?

You're not ashamed of me.

You're really ashamed of yourself.

Tell Lulu, "Easy on the chronic."

RAP MUSIC PLAYS

-PHONE RINGS

-Ah! Ow!

Hi, Carol.

Jessica didn't get ready here.

No.

No, she hasn't been here all week.

Oh, I knew it!

Something is going on. I'm gonna get to the bottom of it.

If you ruin April's night, I'll have you put away.

If you're not gonna help me, I'm gonna do it myself.

CAR HORN BLARES

I think this is a good spot. Jake's gotta come right by here.

I don't care about Jake any more.

You shouldn't. He's a jerk.

-There's no-one I'd rather be with here tonight.

-Me either.

April, you look so beautiful tonight.

-You've always been there for me.

-You've always been there for me.

Any guy would be so lucky to have you as their girlfriend.

And I should know. I've been a guy for almost a week now.

And in that time you have been such a good friend to me.

I don't know how I could ever thank you.

Here he comes!

That dress looks great. Is it easy to get out of?

-God!

-Ah!

I am so lesbian right now.

We totally nailed him!

Jake is so jealous!

He spilled his drink all over his date. You should've seen it!

We already got him, honey. He can't see us any...

-Spence, I love you.

-I love you, too, April.

If you weren't holding onto me right now, I'd float away.

You're my best friend and now you're a guy.

It's meant to be.

April, you don't need me or any guy

to make you feel beautiful and special

because you are.

You are the greatest girl in the whole world.

You are all you need.

I know it's crazy but I can't help it.

I'm in love with you, Spence.

April...

..are you gonna be OK?

-I'm sorry.

-Don't be.

We're not gonna let a little thing like me turning into a man

and you wanting me get in the way of our friendship?

I'm in love with Billy.

And if I'm gonna be stuck like this,

he's just gonna have to accept me as I am - a man.

That's my man.

I think I know who's in Jessica's body.

And I know where we can find him.

Let's find Jessica and get outta here.

Hildenberg, you know what to do. Come on.

DANCE MUSIC PLAYS

Whoa!

-Come on!

-That's huge!

I didn't see it coming. No way, man.

WHISTLES Scoot. He's mine.

-Boy, I don't think so.

-THUD!

Get away!

Billy, it's me, Jessica.

It's always been me.

Mister, you're freaking me out.

You know, when I touch you there, it makes your whole leg tingle.

And when I touch you here...

No! No. No, it can't be.

Do you remember after the homecoming game,

after you threw the winning pass to beat Carlmont,

you and I went behind the scoreboard and...?

You gotta believe me.

Silly...Billy...Nilly.

Just close your eyes

and you'll know it's me.

I can't! I can't do it!

-You said you'd love me no matter what.

-You're a 30-year-old dude!

Just on the outside!

Billy! Billy.

We found your body.

-It'll be fine.

-Are you sure she's all right? Booger! Hurry!

Come on. You gotta learn to run in those if you're gonna wear 'em.

# Oh...what...wow!

-# He's the greatest dancer... #

-There ya go, sweetheart.

# ..I've ever seen Oh...what...wow

# He's the greatest dancer

-# Oh...what...wow... #

-Oh, shit!

I knew it was gonna be a good night.

Ow! God!

Thanks, Hildenberg. I want my body back right now!

Well, finders keepers, sweetheart.

How dare you!

Do you know what this could do to my lungs?

You gimme that earring! You gimme that earring.

Give it to me. Give. Give it to me. OK. OK. OK.

Sit down! Calm down! Calm down. I'll make ya a deal. OK?

Now, just let me make another 500 bucks tonight, OK?

And then I'll give you your body back cos it's so important to you.

I'm crying about my body(!)

You can loan it to me on weekends so I can pay off some debts.

Weekends? Loan you my body?

I want my body back! Give me my body back!

Hey! Look at me.

I'm only gonna tell you this once.

No strangling the dancers, or you are outta here! Now, can't you read?

This is more like it.

I gotta hit the head.

Hey, don't worry.

We're gonna get him.

-Hey, babe.

-WHISTLES:

-Sweetheart!

Hey.

No way!

Jessica? This is where you've been?

I want a dance from you. Yeah!

Ugh!

So, dancing naked must be fun, huh?

Yeah, sure. Why wouldn't it be?

Where do you keep your weed, though?

Oh!

That's good.

I don't have one of those.

Sure.

Bye, Spence.

-You'll always be my best friend.

-Forever.

-Billy?

-Hi, Mrs Spencer.

Mr Spencer. ..How's it going, Booger?

This isn't the prom. Oh, my God!

-Anything yet?

-No.

There it is. Come on. Shake it! You naughty honeybee. Yes, you are.

Oh! Oh! Whoa!

-Anything yet?

-No.

I'm all right. I'm...

# ..More Than A Woman... #

Oh. Oh!

Hey, buddy, how 'bout a lap dance?

Hey, can't you read? Monday night's gay night.

What?

It's me?

Really? Oh!

It is! It really is!

Taquito?

It's really you!

Billy.

-Listen. I am so sorry.

-Doesn't matter.

Nothing matters. I don't care about that other girl I took to the prom.

I don't care what Jake thinks or that you took my money,

stole my dad's car and tried to run me down with it.

-No, I....

-None of that matters.

I'll even try to find a way to get over your job as an exotic dancer.

Billy, do you feel that?

You are the only boy who makes my heart beat faster and slower at the same time.

I'm not pressing charges.

Hey, you better get back on stage, little lady.

The only place this little lady is going is home with me and my wife.

What kind of a place do you think I'm running?!

Class valedictorian - Keecia "Ling Ling" Jackson.

First of all, I'd like to say, I'm very proud to be half Korean.

Thank you, honey! But don't forget, you also one quarter Jewish!

-Mazel tov, baby!

-Shalom.

# I'd do anything

# Just to hold you in my arms... #

Wait!

Wait! TYRES SCREECH

Hey, how's it going? Hey, thanks for helping me out. You're a good man.

You're a good guy.

# You'll never find

-# Another love like mine... #

-TYRES SCREECH

Are you saying, people think I'm perfect?

Sorry.

Are you saying... people think I'm perfect?

OK...OK.

I think we got it.

All right.

# I'm glad that I have been with you

# But that's not enough

# In your arms I would be overjoyed as any boy

# Holding on to what he loves

# Oh, so much... #

# ..The pain you felt has burdened you

# You can't feel loved

# I'm glad that I have been with you

# But that's not enough... #