Waking Up in Reno

This programme contains very strong language.

You know, relationships can be a lot like a loaf of bread.

At the beginning, they're hot and fresh

and you can always get a rise.

But with time, if you don't knead them carefully,

they grow old and stale.

Now, I know that life ain't no Easy-Bake Oven,

but with the kids and my husband's job,

it's almost as if we've forgotten to add the yeast.

So I'm hoping this trip to Reno

with our best friends Candy and Roy

will be just what the doctor ordered.

'F'.

'L'.

'O'.

Can't you see it, Darlene?

No, it's kind of hard to make out.

I think I'm just nervous, Doc,

cos Lonnie Earl and I are going on vacation tomorrow

and I'm not real good about leaving home.

MAN: OK.

All right, baby, move that sign.

I'm trying to sell some cars here.

Hey, Lonnie Earl Dodd here.

Folks, it's time for our annual President's Day Blowout Sale,

and, I tell you, I'm feeling rather patriotic.

I guarantee we won't be undersold by anybody.

And if you can't trust old Lonnie Earl Dodd,

then you can't trust anybody.

All right, Darlene, just go ahead

and use one or two of those drops, if you feel the need,

especially on that old I40 around the Mojave Desert.

You just go on and have yourself a vacation.

-Thanks, Doc.

-Roy.

Hey, Roy.

I've got to call Candy

and see if she's bringing any nice clothes.

-Is she home?

-Yeah.

But I can't find your husband.

I've called the dealership, everywhere,

and I can't rally him.

You know Lonnie Earl. He's probably up to no good.

If you can't trust me, who can you trust?

You know if you can't trust me, Lonnie Earl...

-Is there a problem?

-You're damn right there is!

How come you got to take a shower after, huh?

You feel dirty?

Cos I sure as hell feel dirty.

Oh, my God, Lonnie Earl, we're filthy.

I'm not. I'm zestfully clean.

-SCREAMS:

-Oh, shit!

How can you do that to me?

One minute you're crying on my shoulder about Darlene,

next you're bangin' me from behind.

You said not to look at you.

DOCTOR: I've got to send The sample over to the lab.

Turn your head and cough. COUGHS

Don't waste your time worrying about it, though.

Y'all just go on and enjoy your vacation.

I guess you're right, cos I know worrying about it

ain't gonna change nothing, is it?

That's right.

So, er, what you all got lined up?

Lonnie Earl's got a bet with old Bill Moore

that he can eat this giant 72-ounce steak in Amarillo.

Then we'll pop to the Grand Canyon

cos Darlene's always wanted to see that.

And you know what a partier Candy is.

She's looking for the nightlife,

the shows and the gambling.

But the big thing is

we got tickets to the Monster Truck Jam.

Yeah, yeah, that sounds like a big time.

You know, Roy, I could send the test results

over to Candy's folks, let them know when they come in.

No, no, sir, I don't want them worrying or nothing

so I'd like to be first to know.

Well, all right, then. I'll just wait to hear from you.

And don't you worry.

I'll bet you that everything's going to be just fine.

RADIO PLAYS, DOG WHINES

Oh, do you have to go outside in this rain?

C'mon, sweetie. C'mon.

-BOY:

-It's a bird, it's a plane. No, it's Superman!

Lane Aaron Dodd, get your ass down from there right now!

But I'm Superman.

Your butt's gonna be super red if you don't get down.

-ROY:

-Hey, good lookin'.

-Jesus H. Christ, Roy!

-Don't do that!

-I'm sorry, darling.

You almost made me piss on the rug!

I'm sorry. Why are you so jumpy?

What are you doing here in the middle of the day?

Shouldn't you be at work?

Your daddy asked me to run some errands for him

so I thought I'd stop by and see if you was ovulating.

Well, I don't know if I am or not.

Well, you're dressed like you should be ovulating.

-Huh?

-Roy, not right now.

You should go to work. Daddy will miss you.

Then there'd be lots of shit, and he'll get pissed off.

It ain't possible for him not to get pissed off.

He ain't gonna have no problem

if he thinks we're making a grandbaby.

-Roy...

-Real quick. Just a little...

I can't do this right now.

-Sweetheart.

-I have all this shit to do.

I've gotta pack. We've gotta leave tomorrow, baby. Reno!

Oh, all right.

Candy, what...

..what the hell happened to our wedding picture?

The cat. Too much catnip, you know?

-Murphy?

-Yes.

He must've mule kicked the damn...

I have to tell you something. Come over here.

-You ready?

-What?

OK, so I've been thinking and...

..you know what I really want to do when we get to Reno?

Huh?

I want to renew our wedding vows.

Why? What for?

Because it's romantic, Roy.

A lot of people get married where gambling is legal.

Well, one kind of does go with the other, don't it?

Yes, baby.

And it'd be so great

cos it'll be like a brand-new start for us.

Like, if either one of us

ever did anything in the past that we'd like to change...

..it would just be erased.

Like, it won't count no more, OK?

Have I done something wrong I don't know about?

If I did, I'm sorry.

Oh, honey, no. No.

-Well, what?

-No, honey.

It's just something that I really, really want to do.

Picture it - Reno, with all the bright lights

and all the action.

Oh, baby, it would be so perfect.

Please, please, please, please, please.

Well, hell, if it means that much to you, let's do it.

SCREAMS IN DELIGHT

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

-ROY: Tell me. I hate surprises.

-LONNIE EARL: See for yourself.

No! You didn't.

-I did. I sure did.

-SONG:

-# Oh, yeah... #

-Whoa!

-# Oh, yeah... #

Oh, my lord. You did! You horndog, you.

See there. Ain't she a beaut?

Dealer exclusive. Anniversary special.

Roy, this son of a bitch has got everything on it

except electric dick massage.

I can't believe you, Lonnie Earl.

We're really gonna take this son of a bitch cross-country?

-Hell, yeah.

-It's got to cost a fortune.

Nothing's too good for my friends.

We'll be riding, styling and profiling.

The smell's lovely.

That's probably that Corinthian leather, is what that is.

I would imagine.

-That's real leather?

-Hell, yeah, it's real leather.

Dang me.

You know, besides that, I had Jerome unhook the odometer.

Sell the sonofabitch like brand new when we get back.

-See what I'm saying?

-You're my hero.

-What do you think, Ronnie?

-Sweet wheels.

They are, ain't they?

ROY: Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Hey, you guys!

Hey, Lonnie Earl. Where the hell have you been?

I haven't seen you for days.

Yeah, well, they keep me hopping.

Oh, Lonnie Earl, I've gotta stop by work on the way uptown.

What are you talking about?

Roy got in trouble with Daddy again. Just wants to see him.

Ain't nothin' to do with your daddy.

Yeah, well...

-Are you serious?

-It ain't gonna take a minute.

You see this?

It's a TripTik. It's called a TripTik.

Now, I took the trouble to call AAA,

have them figure out everything for us - the whole schedule.

So we're sticking to it, OK?

Everybody needs to read that loud and clear, understand?

-Honey, don't get so uptight.

-I'm not uptight.

Mr Kirkendall.

Mr Bush is mad as a riled up bull

about that Beef Nibby thing.

I didn't mean to use the wrong labels.

I feel awful. I need this job.

-June.

-What if he fires me?

June, you listen to me.

You ain't gonna get fired, I promise.

Everybody makes mistakes.

Hell, look at me. Just ask my momma, OK?

Good to see you, sweetie pie.

Lonnie Earl, that car's running great.

Thanks.

Darlene, you're looking beautiful, as always.

-DARLENE:

-Thank you, Fred.

Roy... you bumble-dick gourd-head.

Well, how about you, Fred? Nice morning, ain't it?

Damn it, boy, don't take that tone.

I'll slap the taste out of your mouth.

Do you even have any inkling why you're here?

Well...no.

I have got 200 cases of Ocean Delight

that are labellled Beef and Cheese Nibbys.

Tell me how the hell something like that happens.

Oh, no.

I am sorry. It is my fault.

I got the cans mixed up,

and then Candy paged me and I had to...

Well...

..I forgot.

Why did you go ahead and ship them?

I mean, we're talking about cat lovers here, boy.

When a cat lover opens Beef and Cheese Nibbys,

he expects to find Beef and Cheese Nibbys

not fuckin' Ocean Delight!

-Understood?

-Yes, sir.

And just where in the hell were you yesterday afternoon

when all this was happening?

He was at the house.

I needed him for something.

Oh? Well, OK.

Why, what... Wasn't nothin' wrong, was there?

No...see, no, sir.

She's checking when she's ovulating

because we know how much you want that grandbaby.

So when she pages, I come.

Uh... I mean, I go.

You know what I mean.

I don't even want to think about that.

Just...just get the hell out of here.

LONNIE EARL: I'm glad we're finally on the road.

Here's to a big old time.

Look out, Reno. We're gonna put some hair on the wall.

-SIREN WAILS

-Shit on a stick!

It's just Russell and Boyd.

We'll be out of here in a heartbeat.

All right, sir...

Well, hey, Lonnie Earl. I didn't know that was you.

-Hi, everybody.

-How about you, Russell?

-Boyd.

-Hi, Candy.

Ooh-wee, man, this is one fine vehicle you got here.

Has that got that dick massage?

No. Don't you start with me.

Listen, we're in kind of a hurry.

We're going out of town on vacation.

-Whereabouts are you going?

-Reno, Nevada.

No shit? You all going to that Monster Truck Jam?

You got it. Check this out.

Lucky sons of bitches.

The biggest little city in the world.

-Well, see there.

-Uh-huh.

That's if we get there in time.

I'd love to talk to you all day,

but we gotta get on the road, so just let us go.

Lonnie Earl, you know you ran that stop sign.

Hell, I've been running that son of a bitch

since I've been driving.

Everybody runs that damn sign.

-I know I do.

-ALL LAUGH

-See?

-Damn it, Boyd!

Look, Lonnie Earl, I understand that and all,

but you shouldn't do it in front of us.

Just look at you.

You're drinking that beer like we're at the drive-in movies

and I weren't wearing this here badge.

Russell, that's my first beer of the day, I swear.

I'll vouch for him.

-Me too, Boyd.

-Me three.

Come on, Russ, everybody makes mistakes.

Come on, Russell. Shit.

You know how fond of the beer you are.

-Hey, now.

-Isn't he, Boyd?

I swear to God.

What are you laughing at?

Why don't I hop on top of this truck,

unstrap a few cases and give it to you, call it even?

I wouldn't call that even. I'd call that a bribe.

Buckle up!

JAUNTY COUNTRY MUSIC

# Stick shifts And safety belts

# Bucket seats Have all got to go

# When we're driving in the car

# It makes my baby seem so far

# I need you here with me

# Not way over in a bucket seat

# I need you to be here with me

# Not way over In a bucket seat. #

LONNIE EARL: If anybody's gotta piss, go now,

because we won't stop for a while.

-ROY:

-Shall I toss these bottles?

We can get a deposit later. Just pump the gas.

Yes, sir.

Lonnie Earl, can I get some wine coolers?

Why can't you drink beer like everybody else?

It's full up in there. We ain't got room for wine coolers.

I wouldn't mind having one of them wine coolers.

Buy some damn wine coolers, then.

Don't know why you like to drink them things. Sissy shit.

Hell, yeah, girls. You too, Roy. Just pile it the hell on there.

I've got plenty of money. I'm Mr Deep Pockets.

Anybody else want me to buy them anything while we're here?

CANDY LAUGHS

Ooh, look, Bob Barker is dating

another one of them Barker beauties.

That old man can't keep it in his pants.

He oughta take his own advice and get it neutered.

-I say more power to him.

-You would.

Well, at least he's gettin' some.

Darlene. Hey, Darlene, it's an Oklahoma shot glass.

-They got one. You got one?

-No, we don't.

You'd better get it

cos I doubt you'll find these suckers anywhere else.

We don't need another damn shot glass. They just collect dust.

Just put that son of a bitch back.

We have to make up some time before lunch.

Would you like me to help you bag up some of those?

-DARLENE:

-Since Lonnie Earl planned the trip,

he decided to stop in Amarillo

so he could eat this 72-ounce steak.

Of course, his 50 bet with Bill Moore

was the real reason we were stopping there.

I swear, that husband of mine

would do anything to save a buck.

GRAND MUSIC

-Ain't that pretty?

-Oh, no.

Wait, Lonnie Earl, let me get the picture.

-My lord!

-One more.

You ready? Get closer to the meat.

That is...that...

..that is the ass end of a rhino.

This is no bigger than a Papa Burger at A&W.

Easily handleable, all right?

That hunk of meat's bigger than our cat.

You're gonna be sick's what's gonna happen.

Nah, I got a plan.

Take your time, breeze through it,

eat this other shit afterward, push it through.

Go with the flow, that kind of deal.

-You're gonna be sick.

-Shut up, Darlene.

Look at all this meat. I get paid to eat it.

You'll be riding that porcelain pony.

Yeah, we'll see.

-You gonna go?

-First bite.

-There we go.

-I'm ready.

Ladies and gentlemen, could I have your attention, please?

This is Mr Lonnie Earl Dodd from Millsberg,

and he's going to try to eat this 72-ounce steak dinner.

He has one hour to eat 72 ounces of meat,

salad, shrimp, cocktail, baked potato and bread.

If you'd like to look at this steak, come over.

But don't ask too many questions.

He only has an hour to do this.

Let's give Lonnie Earl a little round of encouragement.

PATRONS APPLAUD

DRAMATIC PERCUSSIVE MUSIC

OK, you've got 45 seconds.

Everybody give him a hand. He's going to make it.

ALL APPLAUD AND CHEER

Lonnie Earl Dodd!

-READS:

-"Big Texas State Ranch

"72-Ounce Steak Club Achievement Award."

Lonnie Earl Dodd.

That's free and you get 50 bucks?

-Mm-hm.

-This is so good.

-Can I taste yours?

-If I can have your cherry.

Sure you can. There you go.

I can't eat this little red thing.

-I'll help you.

-I knew you would.

It's not like Lonnie Earl would help you.

BOTH LAUGH

-Lonnie Earl?

-Lonnie Earl?

Look at this.

Come on. Come on, Lonnie Earl.

-You can do it.

-I want to see you puke.

-Oh, he's faking.

-It's not funny, Lonnie Earl.

What is it, honey?

-You want another one?

-Whoa, whoa, whoa!

You gonna throw up? Get that bucket.

-What's wrong?

-Lean over, honey?

-Lonnie Earl, put your arms up.

-Get your hands off, homo!

Don't fuss, Candy. He's going to be fine.

You wanna throw up, Lonnie Earl? Can you breathe?

Oh, my God! I think he's dying!

-Lonnie Earl, don't die!

-He just needs another beer.

BELCHES

Hey, Julio, what's up?

I brought something over for you and your father.

SIREN WAILS

Man, what is it?

That's some good food, man. I fixed it myself.

I ain't eating none of that fungus.

-WOMAN:

-You've got to take it easy.

Y'all make sure he drinks plenty of fluids.

So, have a great rest of your trip and take care of yourself.

-And...don't forget this.

-Oh, no, that's right.

-Thanks a lot.

-Take care of yourself.

Hi, hon. You all better?

Well, like you all would give a shit.

OK, well, he just wanted me to check in with you,

cos, you know, Doc, he don't trust nobody else,

especially some snot-nosed little Texas doctor

who ain't too long off the tit.

But, listen, while I got you,

what about them tests I had done?

Uh-huh.

OK.

OK, I will bet one for you.

So doctor says that if you're still feeling puny tomorrow,

you're supposed to mix

a bunch of meat tenderiser and some water and drink it

and you'll be fine.

Yeah, I'm sure I'll be fine.

Plus I'm 50 richer, right?

And a hospital bill later.

Listen, if Bill Moore gives me shit about this bet,

you're my witness, right?

-Damn straight.

-OK.

I know the boy.

What were you were talking to Doc Tuley about?

About some tests or something?

Um...nothing.

Just insurance crap where they make you

pee in a bottle all the time every time you turn around.

Are you going swimming or not?

I don't think so. I'd sink like a cat in a bag.

Know what I think I'll do?

Go to the souvenir shop and tease that rattlesnake.

-LAUGHS:

-That's a good idea.

Besides, Darlene will be back in a bit.

She won't sneak in no hotel pool.

Sometimes when people are away from home,

they do things they might not normally do.

I wish.

SCHEMING MUSIC

SOFTLY: All clear.

-WHISPERS:

-I can't believe I'm doing this.

CANDY: This is classy.

Something we're not used to it.

God help us.

CANDY SCREAMS EXCITEDLY

LOUD SPLASH

CANDY: Whoo!

-DARLENE:

-Oh, it's cold.

Whoa!

Get in, Dar.

BOTH CHUCKLE

Whoo!

-SCREAMS:

-Get away from me.

What do you weigh? About 98 pounds wet?

Shut up, Dar.

You've got a great body.

You just cover it up all the time.

Whatever.

Are you happy, Dar?

-CHUCKLES SOFTLY:

-I guess.

Why wouldn't I be?

Oh... I don't know.

I mean...

..things just don't seem right between you two lately.

I mean, I always believed you two were meant for each other.

Like...like Bert and Loni.

Well, not like them because they ain't married no more.

But...but like, like...

..Elvis and Priscilla.

Well, you know what I mean.

Is there something you know that I don't?

No! No, no, no. No, Dar.

No. I don't know anything.

I just care about you guys so much, you know.

And especially you, Dar, because you're my best friend.

Oh, honey...

VOICE QUIVERS: Can't a friend try to help a friend?

Yeah. But, oh, honey, don't cry.

-DARLENE:

-You fool.

Damn wine cooler has got me all emotional.

GATE SWINGS OPEN

SHOUTS LIKE TARZAN

Oh, that hurt like hell.

-Candy...

-Hmm?

Do you love Roy?

CANDY CHUCKLES: Well...

..I don't think I ever got the chance to fall in love with Roy.

SIGHS: I guess it was more like nature took its own course.

Next thing I knew...

..Roy was working for Daddy and we was married.

Like there wasn't any middle - just then and now.

Oh, shit.

CANDY: What's wrong, Mark Spitz?

You seem a little out of shape.

-ROY:

-Well, them 12-oz curls have kinda taken their toll.

BOTH GIRLS GIGGLE

Oh. Oooh. I gotta go pee.

I'm gonna go back to the hotel.

-Darling?

-I gotta go pee.

-I'm going back to the hotel.

-Pee in the pool.

-I do it all the time.

-CANDY: Oh, gross. Roy.

-You coming, Dar?

-I think I'll swim a little.

This was a pretty good idea, after all.

See ya.

-DARLENE:

-Whoo!

-SIGHS CONTENTEDLY:

-It feels good.

Whatcha doin', Roy?

I got you a little something.

Oh, Roy. You didn't have to.

I know. But Lady Luck usually has anything she wants.

-DARLENE:

-Getting to New Mexico, I was so excited.

The Grand Canyon was just a day away.

-ROY:

-You know what I'm lookin' forward to?

It's that Robosaurus smashing in cars. That'll be something.

Robo what? What on earth is that?

It's a ten-storey machine that squashes things.

Basically, a car dealer's nightmare.

-DARLENE:

-What a thrill.

-THUMP!

Armadillo.

You'd think they'd learn to stay out of the road.

-Don't you know?

-You ever seen one alive?

ROY LAUGHS

I'll be damned. 97.1 degrees. I think I'm ovulatin'.

97.1 is what that library book said to look for.

Whoa.

LONNIE EARL: Maybe it's just the heat.

97.1, Lonnie. That's below normal temperature.

Well, she's pressing too close to the window.

My window's up.

According to this thermometer,

Farmer Roy needs to plant his seed right now.

-Come on, baby. Pull over!

-Candy, I...

We ain't stopping at no motel.

Not now when we just got back on schedule.

Hey. Who said anything about a motel?

PANTING AND GROANING

Course you do realise that my schedule's gone to hell.

It's freezing-ass cold out here

and we're waiting on the damn carnival to be over.

You're the one who wanted to vacation in January.

You know about the July prices. I can't pay that kind of money.

CANDY PANTS

-CANDY:

-Oh, baby!

LONNIE EARL: Just like travelling with

a damn high school biology experiment or something.

What the hell is he doing to her?

Something pretty good, I'd say.

Well, it's pissing me off.

OK. That's it. I'm putting a stop to this shit. I don't care.

You'll make a bigger scene than they are!

All right. TAPS WINDOW

-That'll be plenty.

-What?

Come on. We're leavin'.

LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE

Mission accomplished, sir.

There goes the new car smell.

You look kinda uptight, Lonnie Earl. You want me to drive?

No, I don't want you to drive. I'm the driver.

Just give us a couple of beers, I'll be fine.

-Hey, hon.

-CANDY:

-Hmm?

Can you grab us some beers

without spilling any of them tadpoles?

I sure can, sugar kitten.

Thank you.

I'm glad we stopped here.

They've got a sign over that toilet -

says it's the cleanest bathroom along I40.

We stay in Kingman tonight, we'd be back on schedule.

I thought we were stopping at the Grand Canyon tonight

and looking at it tomorrow?

We can't do that because our travelling sex-show

has put us behind schedule.

-Then why did we stop here?

-Because we had to eat.

And this fits in. OK?

Besides, the Grand Canyon's just a big, old hole in the ground.

You can look out the window and see a big hole.

That ain't the same. I think it'd be nice to see it.

I wouldn't mind riding one of them jackasses down the sucker.

Damn it. That's the one thing I wanted to do on this trip.

I told you I wanted to see it since second grade

when Ms Beachner told us about it.

She said everyone thought God rested on the seventh day

but really he was working on his hobby, carving the canyon.

That's sweet, but if you remember,

Ms Beachner also kept her shit in a shoebox, remember?

So I don't know if that's the greatest authority in the world.

Let's go.

DEJECTED MUSIC

LOUD GROANING AND PANTING

Good God. That girl's gonna wake the dead in there.

GROANING CONTINUES

If this happens every time she reaches a certain temperature,

I'm going to get mad.

Why does it bother you so much? It's for a good cause.

It's just that they take so damn long.

They don't even think about us.

The least he can do is tiger fuck her.

You know I don't like that talk.

Just get up behind her, bite her neck, in and out and it's done.

How romantic(!)

What do you know about romance?

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

I'm sorry, honey. I'm just...

Look, face it. When was the last time we did it?

That's not romance.

If that's all you care about,

then just go ahead and do it with someone else.

Is this about the Grand Canyon?

No, it's not. Good grief!

Well, then, what's it about? Why don't you talk to me?

I'm your husband. You can talk to me.

Honey, listen. This is hard on me too.

For the last couple of years,

every time I try something with you,

you've got some damn excuse.

You don't know how it feels.

And besides that, I'm about to explode.

I am. SNIFFS

Tell me the truth. Is it me?

No.

It's me.

What are we going to do about that?

Like I said, maybe we could see that woman in Little Rock.

I'm ain't going to no shrink.

She'd make us sit there, and charge an arm, a leg and a nut

to say the shit that we're saying to each other here.

But she mightn't let you say something like you just said.

What did I say?

Well, if you can't hear yourself,

then how are you gonna hear me?

MELANCHOLY MUSIC

This bed sags in the middle.

We'll wind up laying in a puddle.

It sure as hell ain't no sort of perfect sleeper.

Would you all quit bitching? The bed's fine.

-ROY:

-Goodnight, John-Boy.

-LONNIE EARL: Kiss my ass.

ROY LAUGHS AND FARTS

-DARLENE:

-Oh, my God. That's awful!

CANDY LAUGHS: Oh, Roy! ALL LAUGH:

That's disgusting!

-ROY:

-Smell it.

LIVELY MUSIC

ALL SING: # Hey, now, Sloopy

# Sloopy, hang on

# Sloopy lives In a very bad part of town

# Bad part of town... #

STEVIE WONDER'S 'HIGHER GROUND' PLAYS

# People

# Keep on turning

-# Teachers... CANDY:

-Teachers.

-SINGS:

-# Keep on teaching

# Lovers...

-CANDY:

-Keep on lovin'!

ALL SING: # Keep on lovin'

That's songwriting!

-# Believers... CANDY:

-Keep on believing!

-# Keep on believing! GIRLS:

-Whoo!

-# Sleepers... CANDY:

-Keep on sleepin'!

# Just stop sleeping, yeah!

# Cos it won't be too long...

-ROY:

-It won't be too long.

-CANDY:

-It won't be long.

# I'm so glad That He let me try it again

# Cos my last time on Earth I lived a whole world of sin

# I'm so glad that I know more Than I knew then

# Gonna keep on tryin'

# Till I reach the highest ground

# Whoo!

# Till I reach the highest ground

# No-one's gonna bring me down

# Oh, no

# Till I reach the highest ground... #

Oh, my God.

-DARLENE:

-Tony Orlando's here.

-LONNIE: Who?

Tony Orlando's here. We've gotta go see him.

-ROY:

-Do you reckon he split up with Dawn?

LONNIE: Honey, we'll have to see if we've got time.

-We gotta make time.

-I said we'd see.

I ain't never stayed overnight in a city this big before.

I'd sure hate to get lost here.

Don't get all nerved up, honey. We'll have a good time.

It's like back home. There's just a lot more of it.

EXCITING MUSIC

CANDY AND DARLENE GASP

-I'll be darned.

-This is the Shamrock Suite.

-ROY:

-Whoa! Whoa!

Oh...honey!

I knew this'd be the perfect place to get remarried.

I'll carry you over the threshold, baby.

PORTER: Both bedrooms have their own private entrance.

Look at that tub! It's like a swimming pool.

Oh, my God!

We're here, baby. We're actually here!

Mmm. This is romantic.

-ROY:

-Look at that.

This door leads to the adjoining bedroom.

Oh, my God. We're neighbours!

Oh, Candy, you've got to see this view.

Oh, wow! We have the same over there.

-OK.

-Take a picture of me.

-CANDY: OK.

-Like a supermodel, OK?

Oh, I don't look like Cindy Crawford.

-I can take some pictures.

-CANDY: That's OK.

Hey, y'all. Check it out. Check it out!

Hugh Hefner - international playboy.

Show me your tatas in cloth of terry.

Do we get to keep these things?

I've been known to look the other way.

-Whoa-ho. All right.

-MUMBLES: For something.

Thank you.

Oh, my God. It's Shania Twain!

Come on!

-DARLENE:

-She's so goddamn hot!

# Any man of mine...

Whoo!

Goddamn champagne!

# Well, any man of mine better disagree

# When I say another woman's lookin' better than me...

Whoa. Hey, y'all, they've got 24-hour room service.

You mean you can get anything any time you want?

PORTER: Yes, sir. Any time. Just dial 49.

Darlene, who am I?

PORTER: I guess you won't need any Pabsts.

-That will last me an hour and a half.

-LAUGHS

-BOTH SING:

-# ..breathtakin', Earthquakin' kind

There's your curtain remote and your key.

All right. Thank you.

All right. If there's nothing else, I'll be going.

Of course the chocolates are free.

-Ching ching.

-CHUCKLES

I'm going to go, then.

While you're here, I want to ask you one question.

I understand that the hookers in Nevada are free.

Is that right?

-Legal.

-Not free?

No.

All right.

Like I said, I'm on my way out.

I got the luggage, unpacked it,

you got the explanation of the menu...

That's it. OK. I'm gonna go.

I'll be at the bell captain's station if you need anything.

Oh, OK. I get you.

You want your dollar.

Here.

Wow. OK.

Straight to the casino.

Unless you wanted change.

BOTH SING: # Shimmy, shake

# Make the earth quake

# Kick, turn, stomp, stomp

# And then you jump! #

If I get to go to Tony Orlando,

should I wear my hair up or down?

Hmm. Let me see.

-You know what?

-What?

You know what I think would be great?

If you put it like this. Yeah.

LONNIE EARL: You son of a bitch.

Jesus H Christ.

What is it with you and Tony Orlando, anyway?

Oh. He's always been like my guardian angel.

You see, when I was in fifth grade,

I caught Geoff Martin cheatin' on me.

And my momma knew I was depressed

so she let me spend the night at Deanna Stewart's house

to watch the Jerry Lewis telethon.

Anyway, they were up to about 8 million in donations

when out walked this dark, handsome man with a moustache

and a smile that could light up all of Branson.

And I just knew he was somethin' special.

I had something like that for Chuck Woolery one time.

Anyway, when he sang...

# Knock three times on The ceiling if you want me... #

It was like he was singing it right to me,

like he knew I needed to hear it right then.

And he's had a special place in my heart ever since.

Oh. That's so sweet.

THUMP!

-You know what I think we need?

-What?

Some serious pink lips.

LAUGHS

I'll go and get my pink lipstick, OK?

-CRASH!

-You OK?

EXHALES

Yeah. I think I'm fine.

I just... I got up too quick, maybe.

Well, I'll get it.

You sure you feel OK, hon? You are lookin' a little peaky.

-CANDY:

-Oh, I'm fine.

I'm going to sit in here for a little bit.

-Can I do something?

-CANDY:

-No.

I probably just drank too much.

You go on down. I'll meet up with you later.

Let's shoot off and fly, guys.

I thought we was going downstairs. What's the deal?

You all go on. We'll catch up with you later.

You know what we ought to do? You and me take a bubble bath.

What do you say?

You know better than that. I don't take bubble baths.

Of course you don't.

I forgot.

Well, you know, that tub is big enough for all of us.

-CANDY:

-Oh, great, Roy.

Just jump on the bandwagon, you dumbass.

LAUGHS

Yeah, I am dumb.

You guys definitely make me clear of that on a daily basis.

Dumb, dumb ass, dumb shit,

dipshit, shithead, shithole, shit for brains...

-Dildo.

-Dildo...

You know, would it be possible to have

a "let's not pick on Roy" day?

Let's go downstairs.

OK.

I-I'm sorry.

SIGHS

-Darlene.

-Mm-hm?

What do you mean you don't take bubble baths?

It gives my pootah an infection

that stings worse than a swarm of bees.

CHUCKLES

-SIGHS:

-Oh, honey, I wasn't born yesterday.

I know something's wrong. You can talk to me, you know that.

-Don't start that again.

-Darlene, I'm your best friend.

-I know.

-Just drop it!

I know you mean well, hon. But just...stop.

OK.

SYNTHESISED POP MUSIC

I don't know about this.

This thing looks a bit too much like a sinus infection.

I tell you what.

They say they're one hell of aphrodilliac.

GIGGLES

Aphrodisiacs.

Oh, ye...

-LAUGHS:

-Oh, dear.

Thank you, ma'am.

Actually, they're, er... Mother Nature's Viagra.

LAUGHS GOOFILY

Roy, don't be such a damn idiot, OK?

You make us look stupid.

Everybody knows what that word is.

Not bad.

Hey, can we get a couple of Pabsts?

Mm-hm.

And bring him a shot too, will you? Some kind of whisky.

Well, you need you a shot.

I had 140 beers.

But...

..I do have too much blood in my alcohol content.

See there.

I'm just trying to help you cut the...whatever those things are.

SIGHS

God knows I don't need any of them.

Oh. You mean you and Dar?

It's just a phase you guys are going through.

No, it's more than a phase. It's way past a phase.

It's a lot more serious than you might think.

You know, you're always going to be together.

You've always worked it out. You will now.

I've given it a lot of thought lately, to tell you the truth.

Not that that's what I want, you know.

She just don't get it. I don't know.

A man's got needs, you know.

Well, everybody's got needs.

Well, don't be going out

thinking about getting no nooky on the side.

Who said I was thinking about that?

Darlene's a great lady. You don't need to be doing that.

I would never do that.

I just got a tingle.

I'm going to get some more of these suckers.

I'm having a hard time keeping up with Candy.

I'll be back.

Oh, look! It's one of them theme weddings!

Oh, ain't that sweet, Darlene?

That's it! That's what Roy and I need!

-What?

-A theme wedding!

I'd be Dorothy.

A-And he could be that tin guy.

And we could have midgets for bridesmaids.

Why would you dress up like that for a wedding?

Cos it's romantic!

-Come down here, didn't I?

-Huh?

I said I came down here, didn't I?

-You did.

-Yeah.

Now...you might have to twist my arm, but...

..I'll go up to your room with you.

I don't think you could handle me.

Oh, honey, I could handle it.

There's no doubt about it.

Well... I don't think you could afford it.

What the hell does that mean?

It means I see your type come through here all the time.

All blow and no dough.

Is that a fact?

Let me show you something, honey.

See that? Know what that is, baby?

A shoe?

Well, yeah, it is.

It's also two months rent.

Well...

See you there?

Rent must be very cheap.

That was a really shitty thing to say to somebody.

# The old grey mare

# Just ain't What she used to be

# Ain't what She used to be... #

-MAN IN BAND:

-OK, everybody, we're back.

Kiss my ass.

They come over here and just...

..take over the damn country.

Why not?

Fuck her, she was a lesbian anyway. I could tell.

She ain't no lesbian, she's too pretty.

Son, there's all kinds of lesbians.

Pretty ones, ugly ones, all kinds, you know.

She had lesbian energy. That's all I know.

I'm a lesbian in a man's body.

Tell you what got it all started was that damn Gloria Steinem

when she started all that women's lib crap.

It was her and Helen Reddy

and that tennis player that beat Bobby Riggs that time.

Let's don't forget Helen Gurley Brown.

You know what they do, don't you?

They sit around the house all day readin' girly magazines.

Like Women's Day and Red Book and all that mess.

-And TV.

-Hell, yeah.

Start cryin' with Oprah all damn afternoon.

Then by the time you get home from work,

shit, they'd rather fight than fuck.

Hmm?

I guess, you know...

..I'm a pretty lucky man, because Candy

has always had a very healthy appetite for old Gunther here.

You know, I kinda wonder sometimes

if she ain't borderline nympho.

But she ain't always as...

..wild and stuff as she's been lately.

She don't always scream and holler like that, does she?

-She sure does.

-No, she don't.

-Yes, she does.

-No, she don't.

I mean...you're kiddin' me. No, she don't. Does she?

You know, sometimes it can be downright embarrassing.

Other times it can make you feel like

you're Studley Do-Right, you know, you're the man!

Know what I'm saying?

But, ah... I gotta pee. I'll be back.

SIGHS: Oh, shit.

-DARLENE:

-Card readin'...

..Madam Zora...

Oh, come on, let's go see what the future says!

Oh, no! It's kinda scary, I don't like it!

Come on!

This is very telling.

See, the queen depicts a strong slant to your feminine side.

-Hmm.

-Feminine side.

Could you be expecting?

I'm gonna take all of these.

I'm not taking any chances tonight.

Hell, you know what? Gimme three of them Butter Fingers.

-DARLENE:

-So, are you excited?

ROY: About what?

The pregnancy test!

Oh... I dunno...

I just don't understand why she thinks she is now.

She ain't even missed her... thing, or nothin'.

Well, I'm gonna let you in on a little female secret.

Sometimes you just know, even before you miss your thing.

You know, I'm not buying all that screaming and moaning shit

you been doing, just so you know.

What the hell are you talking about?

Don't bullshit me, Candy. You know what I'm talking about.

You're still mad about our little fling,

you're doing all that shit for my benefit, I get it.

Doing what?

Screamin' like a stuck hog with your husband when y'all do it.

But it ain't workin'. It's a bad actin' job.

Who's actin'?

Huh.

Well...all I know is that you don't make all that racket

when you and me do it.

Well, you figure that out, Sherlock.

TOILET FLUSHES

ROY: So?

Well, I've peed in a cup, on a stick, on my hand,

I got lines and crosses, and...

..they all say the same thing.

Yes.

Yeah?

Candy...

No...baby...

..did you...did you hear...

-Yeah?!

-Yeah!

Oh, can you hold that?

You mean we're gonna have a baby? Oh, baby doll!

Oh, I love you!

-You happy?

-Yeah. Are you?

You sure?

Mm-hm.

-I love you.

-I love you, baby, I love you.

I love you so much.

# Baby got goin' On a Southern train, you know

# Fired up pistons Drivin' below

# And the whole vibration Seat upholstery... #

-Beer.

-Beer.

# Conductor, let's roll Let's roll... #

-Beer.

-Light beer.

Oh, my God! I won!

# My baby got goin' on the train

# My baby got goin' on the train

# My baby got goin' on the train... #

Whoo!!

Again!

I got 21!

ROY: Oh, my God, it's alive! SCREAMS

Where'd it go?

-It's gone.

-Where'd he go?

Why is it flat? LAUGHS

You think I can hear him?

-I think maybe you could.

-OH!

Little sucker kicks like a mule! LAUGHS

-Hey, honey?

-Mm-hm?

Could you come sit by me for a minute?

Sure.

All right, here's the deal.

Um...

..I did pretty good tonight... you know, gambling.

Won a little extra money, that kinda thing.

It's nice, huh?

And, um...

..well, I got this deal that, er...

Maybe it's not... I dunno if it's down your alley or not.

It's just, er... a little something I got...

Anyhow, well, there.

It's for you, and everything.

I hope you like it, I dunno.

I'm not real good at pickin' shit out, you know?

Just, you know, a girl kinda thing.

GASPS

You like it?

-Lonnie Earl...

-Bracelet.

It's beautiful.

It's not as beautiful as you are.

SENTIMENTAL MUSIC

Close the door.

Oh, yeah.

I'll be right back. Don't move.

-CANDY:

-Well, look at you two lovebirds.

Y'all hear that earthquake last night?

LAUGHS

You want some coffee, hon?

Hey, son, you better get in here. Your eggs'll get crusty.

How's it possible?

Can't find any midgets.

You might try under "L" for "little people".

Honey, hurry up.

I gotta see if we can book that chapel.

OK. Bye.

I swear to God, if I don't get any midgets, I'll be so upset.

I can't have this wedding without midgets!

You'll have a beautiful wedding no matter what.

-What's wrong, honey?

-Uh...

That was... I was just talkin' to Doc Tuley, and, um...

..he just told me that, er...

..um...

..er, he said I can't have babies.

SNIGGERS

That's funny. That's cute, baby.

What do you mean, we can't have babies?

No...not "we" - ME.

See, I didn't tell you cos I-I didn't want you worrying.

But I had some fertility tests done

cos, you know, we been tryin'

and, you know, weren't gettin' nowhere, and...

..well, anyway, the tests came back from Little Rock,

and...my tadpoles ain't swimmin'.

Roy, it's just a mistake. They made a mistake.

Because...in case you forgot... I'm definitely pollinated.

No, they said it's a for-sure thing.

Honey, it can't be a for-sure thing.

Damn it, they sent the samples off to a danged laboratory,

they ain't gonna be wrong in a laboratory.

They gotta be wrong, because I can't be pregnant. Unless...

What was that?

What was what?

-That look.

-What look?

The look you two just gave each other.

Oh, that, that... that was no look.

TENSE MUSIC

Darlene, I'm...so sorry.

What do you mean, "You're sorry"?

-I'm so sorry.

-What are you sorry about?

You got nothin' to be sorry about!

You looked at me, I looked at you...

People can look at one another, can't they?

Not like that, they can't.

Oh, God, please... please forgive me.

Forgive you for what?!

What do you mean, "forgive you"?!

This is ridiculous!

Now, hold on, I... Am I missin' something here?

Oh, for cryin' out loud, Roy, don't you see, this isn't Reno?

-This is Melrose Place.

-Huh?

My husband has been doin' your wife.

-No...

-Yes.

Take the shits...

I think y'all are jumping the gun...

Shut up!

Oh, just shut up, Lonnie Earl, goddamn it!

Stop acting like such an ass. You blew it!

Hell, you're the one that got pregnant!

She's the one got pregnant! Shit!

You insensitive son of a bitch!

Hey, Roy, listen, I'm sorry, man, I...

You're my best friend!

Listen...you gotta believe me,

this don't have a fuckin' thing to do with you!

She's my wife!

Bastard!

Darlene...please, wait!

Darlene... Darlene, please, wait...

Shut up!

Come on, we have to talk about this. You're my best friend.

Best friends?!

Best friends don't do that to best friends.

-Enjoying your stay, sir?

-Oh, shut up.

OK, then.

I've known you since the third grade.

Just how long have you two been visitin' Sin City?

Twice...just two times, I swear to God, that's it.

What are you doin'?

-We need to talk!

-Not now, Roy!

Can't you see I'm tryin' to console Darlene?

Oh, I don't want your consolin'.

That's your husband. He's the one who needs your consolin'!

Don't fight.

That's OK, you can go first.

Damn it, Roy! Show some backbone, will you?

Why are you mad at me?

Why yell at him? He's just tryin' to be nice.

-Shut up, whore!

-Darlene.

Come on, hit me.

-What?

-Hit me! I got it comin' to me.

-No.

-It'll make you feel better.

-You'll hit me back.

-Promise I won't.

-OK, come on!

-Oh, my God! Lonnie Earl!

Get off me!

Get off him, you bastard! You hit him!

You hit me.

You sleep with my wife, then you hit me?!

Just a reflex action, that's all.

Folks, you really gotta keep it down...

GET THE FUCK OUT!!

Hold on! Hey, hey, hey, listen!

I got a great idea. OK?

I know how to fix everything.

Darlene and Roy have gotta sleep together.

It'll make it even. It's like a dealer trade-in.

You are such a sick fuck!

Have you finally lost your mind?

If I wanted a make-up fuck, it'd be with...

..Tony Orlando!

Jesus, help me, I feel so raw!

Like I haven't got any skin!

This is wrong!

-It's just wrong.

-I know it's wrong.

If I could just wiggle my nose like Samantha on Bewitched

and make this all go away, Darlene, I would, I swear!

You'd probably call up Aunt Clara

and Lonnie Earl would fuck her too!

Hey, hey, whoa, whoa, honey, listen...

..listen...calm down...

-Don't tell me to calm down!

-Calm down!

Let me go with you, and we'll talk.

I don't wanna be around you!

I don't wanna be around any of you!

-No... Darlene...

-You'll need your eye drops.

My eyes are just fine.

They're just fine, I don't need 'em.

Everything's crystal clear.

Please don't go. Darlene, wait a minute.

SOBS

Hello?

This is definitely the shits!

I'm sorry, Roy.

You know what?

"Sorry" just ain't cuttin' it right now, Lonnie Earl.

Sugar kitten?

I mean, hell, I hope everybody's happy.

Friends?

Shit! Fuck!

Car number 5394, please.

Yes...you have a good day too.

Darlene, wait...you don't wanna leave like this.

Don't tell me what I want.

I'm sick and tired of people telling me what I wanna do!

God, I fucked up. I'm so sorry! We have to talk about this.

We're too close to throw away what we've got.

WHAT WE GOT?!

WE GOT A FUCKIN' MESS IS WHAT WE GOT!

And I had nothin' to do with it!

-Yes, you did.

-Oh, excuse me?

You did have something to do with it, Darlene.

Hell, Lonnie Earl was cryin' for your attention,

and you refused to see it!

He came to me to talk about it,

and I was tryin' to be your friend, so I listened.

And before you knew it, he was spinnin' you like a helicopter.

You bitch! And you call yourself my friend?

Damn right I do.

In case you forgot, I tried to talk to you about it too.

And you kept tryin' to convince me and yourself

that everything was great,

that life was just one big bowl of cherries!

Oh, go away!

You know what? You're a fuckin' mole.

And I'm not talkin' about that thing on Cindy Crawford's lips,

I'm talking about them rodents

that bury themselves in the ground.

They got eyes, but can't see.

Come on, elevator!

Just go ahead. Just run away, Darlene, like you always do.

Just so you don't have to face anything.

Shut up!

You've got the world by its balls

and you don't even know it!

And you know why?

Because you're always throwing some goddamn

Darlene pity-party!

Mopin' around in those stupid overalls,

feelin' sorry for yourself.

Hidin' behind your kids!

God, you've got this prison built into your head,

and you're just living there.

Stop, now!

No!

Wake up, Darlene.

You've got a nice house, your bills are paid,

you've got healthy kids.

You've got friends who care about you,

if you only let them.

Damn it, you've got a husband who thinks