Carry On at Your Convenience


Carry On at Your Convenience

British comedy with the Carry On team. A shop steward finds himself at loggerheads with the management at a lavatory factory, and discovers that his budgie has a special talent.


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Transcript


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MUSIC: "Oh, dear what can the matter be?"

0:00:020:00:04

# Three old ladies locked in the lavatory. #

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-"Four matching pairs wash basins for Carters, Aberdeen."

-Check.

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-"Two Princess Suites, complete with stainless steel fittings for Girlings, London."

-Check.

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-"Six top-flushing urinals."

-Stand-up ones?

-Is there any other sort?

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Funny things happen these days.

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"Six top-flushing urinals, regular design for the YWCA, Wigan."

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-"One matching pa..." Y

-W

-C A?

0:02:000:02:03

Funny things DO happen!

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Well, Miss Withering, how does it feel?

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Comfortable? Yes, I think so, Mr Boggs.

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-Good! Comfort before beauty.

-It's a bit big in the bowl, I think.

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By 2 centimetres. We shan't fall out over that.

0:02:260:02:30

It's falling IN I'm worried about!

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- I like your overall design, Mr Coote. - Thank you.

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- May I get off now, please? - Of course! Thank you, you've been most patient.

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-Like Job on a monument!

-The catch must be strong to support the seat.

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-Do you mind if I try it?

-No, go ahead! Yes, do!

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-I couldn't stand it for more than 30 minutes.

-It's not a reading room!

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-Look at this. Very slender, this pedestal.

-Hmm. It's streamlined!

0:03:110:03:17

What for? Wind resistance?

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The thickness has no bearing on tensile strength.

0:03:200:03:24

I've had bitter experience of what happens when one collapses - or rather, my wife had, rest her soul.

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I can assure you, sir, an elephant could safely use that toilet.

0:03:320:03:37

Not without a much bigger bowl!

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We can't afford to take chances. Dependability before beauty!

0:03:400:03:45

Miss Withering, just one more time, and this time come down on it like a TON of bricks!

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So far, so good. Now just bump up and down.

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Excellent! Excellent! Bump! Bump!

0:03:570:04:01

Things that go prrt! in the night.

0:04:010:04:04

-"One matching pair" of what?

-Beauts.

0:04:070:04:10

"One matching pair of be..."? Eh?

0:04:100:04:12

-Hello, Myrt love.

-Hello, Vic.

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-How about it this afternoon?

-Not standing up.

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No, sitting down. I've got grandstand tickets. Kick-off is at 3.

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Three o'clock! We're working till 5.30!

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I wouldn't bet on that, love. I'll take you out for supper after.

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Got a cup of tea? No more floor service.

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-What?

-New rule. Drinks to be served in the canteen during official breaks.

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That's taking a diabolical liberty!

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And that's something you know ALL about!

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-Do you mind? I'll not let them away with this!

-I didn't want a cup anyway.

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That's irreverent! This constitutes an infringement of workers' rights.

0:04:590:05:04

Old Tinderbottom's off again. Another strike I suppose.

0:05:040:05:09

Oh no, what's it for?

0:05:090:05:12

You know our Vic. He's never known what it's for!

0:05:120:05:16

Oh, I'm terribly sorry, Mr Boggs.

0:05:220:05:24

I should have sounded my hooter, Miss Plummer.

0:05:240:05:28

-There's "Silver Spoon", at it again.

-He can't help being the boss's son.

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Privileged class, sitting on his...

0:05:340:05:37

The girls call him "Pencil-doings" that's how privileged HE is!

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-Morning, all.

-Morning, Mr Boggs.

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I'd like to see you for a few moments, please.

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All right, but make it quick, Spanner.

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I understand a new rule has been introduced that tea may no longer be served outside the canteen.

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-That's right. I made it.

-Oh, well, as the Union's representative I wish to protest!

0:06:090:06:15

-It infringes the Workers' rights.

-Come off it!

-I'll show you in the "Nooky" rule book.

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They're making rules about THAT now?

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N.U.C.I.E. "The National Union of Chinaware Industrial Employees."

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You know what you can do with their rule book.

0:06:330:06:37

-What's that?

-I'll give you a clue.

0:06:370:06:40

These pages are just about the same size as our toilet-paper holders.

0:06:400:06:45

Now d'you get the idea?

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Great, steaming Public School nit. You all heard him.

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-Aggravation of a genuine grievance.

-Everybody out.

0:06:520:06:57

What did I tell you?

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Meeting in the canteen in ten minutes.

0:07:000:07:03

-Meeting...when was it?

-Ten minutes.

0:07:030:07:06

-Meeting in ten minutes...where?

-The canteen.

-Meeting in ten...

-They KNOW.

0:07:060:07:12

-Oh! Excuse me.

-Lewis, my boy.

0:07:190:07:21

We're just discussing the new Princess Beatrice suite.

0:07:210:07:26

-Please don't get up, Miss Withering.

-But I want to get up, Mr Lewis.

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Rather elegant, wouldn't you say?

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I thought we were modernising our stuff, and including a bidet.

0:07:360:07:42

I designed one. Mr Boggs sat on it.

0:07:420:07:45

- On the idea, I mean. - Bidets are not quite US.

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-All our competitors make them.

-I dare say, but I thought the limited demand...

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-Limited demand?! I told you about that enquiry from abroad for a thousand of them.

-I know.

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But my grandfather wouldn't have approved of the name Boggs being associated with such an article.

0:08:050:08:12

-Can't you persuade him?

-It's as easy washing your feet in the bath

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-They're not for washing your feet!

-Are they for dogs to drink out of?

-No!

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If it's for that, do a headstand in the shower.

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-Lewis, my boy.

-Sssh.

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-Can you hear anything?

-No.

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-Nor can I.

-Well, that's all right.

-No, it's not. They've stopped work.

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I tell you, it is time we made a stand.

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It is time the bosses learned they can't mess the worker about.

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-What do you say?

-Down with 'em!

-That's right.

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The bloated bureaucrats must see they can't grind our faces in the dust!

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-What do you say?

-Down with 'em!

-That's right.

0:09:060:09:09

This issue isn't just over when you can have a cuppa.

0:09:090:09:14

-Oh, no! This ruling is another blow aimed at the fundamental rights of the worker.

-Hear, hear!

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It's another prod at the vitals of your personal freedom.

0:09:210:09:26

I haven't noticed anyone prodding my vitals!

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Good for you. Ready for you any time.

0:09:290:09:33

-LAUGHTER

-Yes, all right, quiet please.

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But I seem to remember that you got very upset when they banned you women from wearing trousers.

0:09:370:09:44

-What about that?

-Down with 'em!

0:09:440:09:47

Cheeky, Bernie.

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-I didn't mean down with the trousers.

-Anyway, I'm now calling for an immediate stoppage of work,

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pending reinstatement of the tea rounds. Those in favour, raise your hand. Count 'em.

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Are you in favour?

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-Of course I am, you fool!

-Oh, well...that makes two.

0:10:080:10:14

That's that. Mind if we get back to work?

0:10:140:10:18

Wait one more minute, please.

0:10:180:10:20

I would like to make a last appeal to your reason and commonsense. I'll call for one more vote,

0:10:200:10:27

and remember the Rovers are playing at home today,

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and kick-off is at three o'clock. Right, all those in favour?

0:10:320:10:37

Count 'em.

0:10:390:10:41

Hello. ..Trouble.

0:10:440:10:47

Never saw so many people wanting to leave the room at the same time.

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I have to inform you, it has been decided by a majority vote

0:10:550:11:00

that unless the tea rounds are returned there will be a walk out.

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We're playing at home today, aren't we?

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-You're not going to let them get away with this?

-Leave it to me.

0:11:080:11:13

The tea rounds were laid on by management as a privilege.

0:11:130:11:18

-Doing away with them hardly breaks any union rules.

-That's where you're wrong and I quote:

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Page 154, paragraph 79... B. "Treatment of the Workers."

0:11:260:11:32

"Action may be taken if management doesn't provide adequate facilities for the workers' natural needs."

0:11:320:11:39

-"Natural needs"?

-Drinking for instance.

0:11:390:11:42

So's sex, but that doesn't mean they have to lay on crumpet!

0:11:420:11:48

Very funny, Mr Plummer, very funny. But are you prepared to reinstate the tea-rounds?

0:11:480:11:54

You know I can't, but I'll pass on your complaint to the management. All right?

0:11:540:12:01

No, we need a positive guarantee.

0:12:010:12:04

-Why don't we have a talk about it?

-No!

-Mr Lewis...

-NO. Now, listen to me.

-Blimey!

0:12:040:12:11

You may not know what it means, but I have made a Time and Motion Study.

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I know what it means. And, if you've got the time, I've certainly got the motion!

0:12:170:12:24

-And I've noticed it, especially in your main production department.

-Oh, you cheeky devil!

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-I'd like to show you how it works.

-SHE knows!

0:12:330:12:37

Mr Lewis, are we or are we not going to get what we want?

0:12:390:12:45

That's up to Mrs Moore!

0:12:450:12:48

-I mean, on the factory floor.

-Not ruddy likely!

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Now, let's get down to business.

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Sounds just like my old man!

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All right.

0:13:050:13:07

In this factory, 166 extra mugs of tea are served in one week.

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Assuming that a worker goes to the toilet for every pint consumed,

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he will make 16 trips in one day.

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Poor devil! He must have a weakness.

0:13:210:13:24

Not quite, Mr Hulke. It means that if a trip takes four and a half minutes

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72 minutes are lost in each day.

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Which equals 15 hours lost weekly going to the toilet.

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So, what is the answer?

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Tie a knot in it.

0:13:400:13:43

Quite. But a less painful solution, I think, is to cut out the extra tea rounds.

0:13:450:13:51

Just one moment, please, Mr Lewis. Do the management want the workers to stop going to the shi...loo

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-when they want to?

-Not exactly.

-You want to cut down on the number of trips?

0:13:590:14:05

Yes, that's it.

0:14:050:14:07

-A clear case of restrictive practice.

-Right into it.

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Everybody out!

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Fine mess I made of that.

0:14:210:14:23

-You could have done what they wanted.

-I don't give in easily.

0:14:230:14:28

-You'll have to if you want 'em back tomorrow.

-I know. But it gives us a free afternoon.

-Us?

0:14:280:14:36

-Yes, we can have a nice run and then something to eat.

-Sorry.

0:14:360:14:40

-I'll pick you up outside the Odeon at 2.30.

-Lewis!

0:14:400:14:45

Try not to be late. There's "no waiting" there.

0:14:450:14:49

Ah! Spanner!

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-Thanks! I was worried we might have to work this afternoon.

-What about your production loss?

0:14:520:14:59

Think of the wages we're saving!

0:14:590:15:02

What's up with him? He's gone potty.

0:15:040:15:07

No, he's learning some sense at last!

0:15:070:15:11

Saving on the wages? What's he on about?

0:15:110:15:15

-Anyway, are you all right for this afternoon?

-No, Vic, I promised to help Mum with things.

0:15:150:15:22

-Instead of the football?

-Yeah! Funny girl, aren't I?

0:15:220:15:27

Blimey! She's gone potty, an' all.

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Saving on the wages?

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Excuse the rush, but I've got a lot to do. 'Bye.

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-Wish I had a lot to do.

-Don't we all? Thanks for the lift.

0:15:460:15:51

-See you down the pub?

-No. The Lord and Master is home.

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-Then you'll have plenty to do.

-Huh! Fred is a Saturday nighter.

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-What a waste!

-You never stop, I suppose?

0:16:010:16:05

Only to fill my pipe!

0:16:050:16:08

That'll do, saucy!

0:16:100:16:13

Hello, Fred, Sid just gave me a lift home.

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I hope that's all he gave you. Fred!

0:16:180:16:23

CHLOE: Spanner organised a walk out.

0:16:230:16:26

-How can I sell our products if you don't make 'em?

-Only the 13th strike this year.

0:16:260:16:32

-What's it about?

-The take in and put out figures.

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-The take in and put out figures?

-The tea and pee figures!

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Sid! I'm glad you find it so funny.

0:16:430:16:47

-Yes.

-Trouble at the works! We seem to have it once a week.

0:16:470:16:52

-Isn't that how you like it?

-Let's eat. I could do with a bit.

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Spoken like a TRUE man!

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That's all I need - a face-full of soggy knickers!

0:17:140:17:19

Eugh!

0:17:210:17:22

Nice Joey. Pretty Joey. Pretty little boy then.

0:17:220:17:27

Nice little boy then. Who's a nice little boy?

0:17:270:17:32

Going to say "Hello, Mummy"? Hello, Mummy. Go on, say it. Hello, Mummy!

0:17:320:17:38

Look what Mummy's got for him. A nice little toy.

0:17:380:17:43

TOY RATTLES A nice little toy for a clever boy!

0:17:430:17:47

Ta, Mummy.

0:17:470:17:49

Oh, blimey! Can't you give that poor bleeding bird a rest?

0:17:490:17:54

-The only way you get them to talk is by chatting.

-Chatting, yes, not nagging 'im to death.

0:17:540:18:01

-He ought to talk.

-He would if he could get a word in.

-I

-still have trouble!

0:18:010:18:07

If only he'd give a little chirp, that would be something. He ought to make some sort of noise.

0:18:070:18:14

-How about dinner?

-He's got plenty to eat.

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For ME, not for him.

0:18:170:18:20

-Haven't you had anything?

-No. Didn't Myrtle say there's a strike?

0:18:200:18:25

-No. I wondered why she was home at lunchtime.

-Now you know.

0:18:250:18:31

Did you hear that, Joey? All those naughty men are on strike again!

0:18:310:18:36

Naughty men! Naughty men!

0:18:360:18:38

-How about something to eat?

-I've had something.

-For ME!

0:18:380:18:44

Ohhh. Well...I could make you some beans on toast, I think.

0:18:440:18:49

No, nothing elaborate, thank you.

0:18:490:18:52

Mummy's just going to get Daddy some din-dins.

0:18:520:18:56

-Will you be all right?

-Of COURSE he will. What can he do? Chuck himself into his drink?

0:18:560:19:03

Being left alone upsets him, and then he (dirties his cage).

0:19:030:19:09

She spoils you to budgery. D'you know that?

0:19:140:19:19

CRASH OF CROCKERY

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What do you think your daddy's got for you today, then? A honey ring! Yes!

0:19:270:19:35

What you got to say to that, then?

0:19:350:19:37

Ta, Daddy.

0:19:370:19:40

Ta, Daddy. Come on, mate, you can talk to me. Ta.

0:19:400:19:44

TA!

0:19:440:19:46

My washing's all over the floor in there.

0:19:460:19:50

-What you doing to him?

-Nothing.

-Oh, yes, you are! What's nasty Daddy been doing to him, then?

0:19:500:19:57

Nasty Daddy bought a honey ring! Are you reporting me to the RSPCA?

0:19:570:20:02

-Did the nasty man buy him a horrid old honey ring?

-Dear, oh dear!

0:20:020:20:07

-He won't talk if you stuff him up with food!

-One honey ring won't stop him talking!

0:20:070:20:15

-If I thought that, I'd have bought you a crate of them!

-Mummy'll take it away.

0:20:150:20:21

-That cost me a pint of beer.

-Look what's happened!

0:20:210:20:25

Well (he's done something). Here, hold this.

0:20:250:20:29

Never mind, Joey, Mummy'll make him nice and clean again.

0:20:290:20:33

Yes, she will. Little Joey, nice clean boy.

0:20:330:20:38

FRED BURPS

0:20:490:20:52

- He's after you, you know. - Eh? Who?

0:20:520:20:55

- Sid Plummer. - WHAT? You're joking! What d'you mean, he's after me?

0:20:550:21:03

I'm a commercial traveller. I know when a bloke's on the make.

0:21:030:21:08

I mean, I've seen the others at it.

0:21:080:21:11

Because he gives me a lift home?

0:21:110:21:14

It's the way he looks at you. Mind, you ask for it. Flashing your legs and things all over the place.

0:21:140:21:21

- What? - Like two bald-headed convicts trying to burst out of gaol.

0:21:210:21:28

- You're jealous. - I wouldn't be seen dead with those two!

0:21:280:21:33

- I mean of Sid. - At his dangerous age a bloke will try almost anything.

0:21:330:21:39

Oh well, thank you VERY much.

0:21:390:21:42

I didn't mean that. I get worried about you, me being away so much.

0:21:420:21:48

Fred, do you really think I'd want to play around with anyone else,

0:21:480:21:53

when I've got a smashing bloke like you to play around with?

0:21:530:21:58

If there's no prime beef, women will make do with scrag end.

0:21:580:22:03

You want to make sure there's plenty of prime beef when I need it!

0:22:030:22:10

Hey, mind my trousers! Take 'em off.

0:22:100:22:13

In the middle of the day? I've got the day off.

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There's a time and place for everything. If you've got the time,

0:22:170:22:22

I've got the place. Before tea?!

0:22:220:22:24

ROAR OF ENGINE

0:22:290:22:32

Thanks. Want to come to the game?

0:22:320:22:35

ENGINE ROARING Hello, Mrs Spanner. You all right?

0:22:350:22:39

Shut that bloody row! SHUT UP.

0:22:390:22:42

-What did she say?

-TURN that off!

0:22:420:22:45

-Turn it off!

-I'll turn this off. Now, what is it?

0:22:450:22:49

-I SAID, turn it off.

-It IS off.

0:22:490:22:52

-Do you want a ticket for the game?

-Yes.

0:22:520:22:56

Pick me up at half-past two.

0:22:560:22:58

Vic, I think you handled the men marvellous.

0:22:580:23:02

Oh...just a natural gift, that. Some men are born with the quality to leadership.

0:23:020:23:08

-I don't agree with the blokes.

-What?

0:23:080:23:12

-That you're a miserable little leader. Size isn't important.

-You'd better go.

0:23:120:23:18

And don't you worry, Vic...

0:23:180:23:21

they'll laugh the other side of their faces, when you're Prime Minister.

0:23:210:23:27

Good-for-nothing sod! Just like his father, may he rest in pieces!

0:23:270:23:33

-Well, well, if it isn't my dear, sweet, old Mum.

-Don't you come slobbering over me.

0:23:330:23:40

And tell that half-witted giant if he brings that motorbike again I'll kick him where it hurts.

0:23:400:23:47

-This is a refined neighbourhood and don't you bloody well forget it!

-You remind me so nicely(!)

0:23:470:23:54

Shut up and sit down or you'll be late for your work.

0:23:540:23:58

Oh, em...We...em We don't have to go back today.

0:23:580:24:03

Eh? You've started another bloody strike. HAVEN'T you?

0:24:030:24:08

The men had a grievance and I could not watch them being ground under foot.

0:24:080:24:14

-Crap!

-I am working for the workers' good.

0:24:140:24:18

-You've never done a day's work! Like your father!

-My father was a victim...

0:24:180:24:24

..of a gin-ridden society! Without the lodgers, where would we be?!

0:24:240:24:29

-I pay my way.

-I forgot about that. I've been wondering what I'd do with your £4 this week.

0:24:290:24:36

-Take myself to the Bahamas?

-If I'm not welcome...

0:24:360:24:40

Sit down on your backside!

0:24:400:24:43

If you spent less time talking through it we might get somewhere.

0:24:430:24:48

Now, we've got to feed the poor bloody, hard-working strikers.

0:24:480:24:53

-There you are!

-Cold sausages?

-What?!

-You're spoiling me, giving me it 15 times in one week.

0:24:530:25:01

< Coo-ee. I'm in the dining room, Mr Coote.

0:25:010:25:05

Oh, hello! There you are. Lunch is ready.

0:25:050:25:09

- Unless you want to wash your hands? - I think I can wait until after.

0:25:090:25:14

Sit here, Mr Coote, I've put a clean napkin in your ring.

0:25:140:25:20

You're TOO good to me! I'm only glad to have a REAL gentleman here.

0:25:200:25:26

- Since my dear husband passed on, I've missed it. - I'm sure!

0:25:260:25:32

How's VicTOR?

0:25:320:25:34

..All right.

0:25:340:25:37

I've got your favourite. You haven't! Steak and kidney pie.

0:25:370:25:42

Dear Mrs Spanner. You spoil me!

0:25:420:25:46

A nice, clean boy again, then.

0:25:480:25:51

What you going to say? Ta, Mummy. Ta, Mummy.

0:25:510:25:55

-Talk about a non-stop performance.

-His beak opened and closed there.

0:25:550:26:00

-No?

-Yes!

-Fancy!

0:26:000:26:02

We'll have to write to the newspapers about that.

0:26:020:26:07

-He generally just sits there doing nothing.

-He's a mimic. He's copying you.

0:26:070:26:13

-Say hello, Mummy. Go on.

-What's this stuff on the table for? Are we having an exhibition?

0:26:130:26:21

-D'you want me to clear it, then?

-No, no, I can manage.

0:26:210:26:25

Say hello, Mummy. Hello. Go on.

0:26:250:26:28

Hello, Mummy. CRASH!

0:26:280:26:31

I don't understand it. Mrs Phillips' bird talked in three months. Whole sentences.

0:26:320:26:38

They weren't nice things. It had to be covered when the vicar called.

0:26:380:26:43

-We should get rid of him.

-No! He's company for me. That was the whole idea.

0:26:430:26:50

It's all right for you. You go to work and enjoy yourself. I'm here alone all day.

0:26:500:26:57

D'you mind? I'm trying to work out my bets.

0:26:570:27:01

I wonder if he wants a little mate?

0:27:010:27:05

What would he want a little mate for?

0:27:050:27:08

-Give him something to do.

-What?

0:27:080:27:12

-You know!

-No, I don't. Birds and fishes are a mystery. What do they do?

0:27:120:27:18

Oh, don't be silly!

0:27:180:27:21

They...bill and coo.

0:27:210:27:23

-What with?

-I don't have to go into details, do I?

0:27:230:27:28

Males and females all look the same. WE can tell what we've got hold of, but how can they tell?

0:27:280:27:35

Well, we know Joey's a "he" bird.

0:27:350:27:39

-Cock.

-He is! The shopkeeper said so.

0:27:390:27:43

-Cock bird, not "he" bird.

-You wouldn't call yourself a cock man!

0:27:430:27:48

Opportunity would be a fine thing!

0:27:480:27:52

REVS ENGINE

0:27:520:27:54

Shut that row, and move that thing!

0:28:000:28:03

-ENGINE ROARING

-Not so much noise!

0:28:030:28:06

-Me mum's...

-Go on, you gormless lump!

0:28:060:28:10

Go on!

0:28:100:28:12

Quite right, Mrs Spanner! Mind your own bloody business.

0:28:120:28:17

I'm sorry, I didn't realise you were here.

0:28:190:28:23

Oh, that's all right... Agatha. Has Victor gone?

0:28:230:28:28

Yes, Charles. We're all alone now.

0:28:280:28:31

- Good. How about it then? - I really ought to do the dishes.

0:28:310:28:37

They can wait. Just a quick one.

0:28:370:28:39

I find to hard to say no to you.

0:28:390:28:42

You like it as much as I do.

0:28:420:28:44

Very well. I'll draw the curtains.

0:28:450:28:47

Right? Yes.

0:28:540:28:56

Cut for deal.

0:28:560:28:58

-OW!

-What's the matter? Did you lose something?

-Damn near.

0:29:100:29:15

Stay there.

0:29:150:29:17

So that's your game?

0:29:250:29:28

-Follow that car.

-What car?

-The one with Myrtle in it.

-Who?

0:29:280:29:32

-Get going.

-Right, we're off!

0:29:320:29:35

-Wasting time?

-You never win on the horses.

0:29:490:29:54

How ignorant can you get? I work it out scientifically, I study form.

0:29:540:30:00

-You don't win.

-They don't run scientifically.

0:30:000:30:05

You throw that money away, while we go without.

0:30:050:30:09

-I don't notice you going without anything.

-Even if you won sometimes.

0:30:090:30:15

-Could you do better?

-I couldn't do worse.

0:30:150:30:19

I'll read out the runners in the Newmarket 3 o'clock. You pick the winners.

0:30:190:30:26

-But we won't know the winners till tonight.

-This is yesterday's!

0:30:260:30:30

-Oh.

-Here we go.

0:30:310:30:33

"Antony Watt. Jomon.

0:30:330:30:36

"Carbia. Cleopatra."

0:30:360:30:39

JOEY CHIRPS Sid! Did you hear that?

0:30:390:30:44

Yes. His very first chirp. How about that?

0:30:450:30:49

-It must have been one of them words.

-What words?

-Them horses' names.

-Cleopatra?

0:30:490:30:55

-CHIRPS There!

-Yes.

0:30:550:30:58

Does he like that word? Cleopatra! JOEY CHIRPS

0:30:580:31:02

-Cleopatra! CHIRPS Cleopatra!

-All right!

0:31:020:31:06

-Don't tire him out.

-Isn't it exciting?

-Yes.

0:31:060:31:10

-Well, it's time he did something else apart from dropping good luck messages.

-Awww.

0:31:100:31:17

If Joey liked that one I'll pick it.

0:31:170:31:21

-Cleopatra?

-CHIRPS

0:31:210:31:23

-It was a 10-1 shot. No chance.

-Well, what won?

0:31:230:31:27

-By three lengths... Cleopatra.

-JOEY CHIRPS There you are!

0:31:270:31:32

-You didn't pick it, the bird did!

-Well, it won, didn't it?

0:31:320:31:37

Are you potty? What does he know about horses?

0:31:380:31:42

-I don't know, but he's done better in one race than you have the whole season.

-That's NOT the point, is it?

0:31:420:31:49

YOU said you could pick them better than me. Right, here's the 3.30 runners.

0:31:490:31:56

"Diddy Ching. Fast Dayboy.

0:31:560:31:59

"Golden Gay.

0:31:590:32:01

-"Tiny Tim"

-JOEY CHIRPS

0:32:010:32:03

-Keep out of this.

-That'll do me. Tiny Tim. CHIRPS

0:32:030:32:08

-Just 'cos he chirped again?

-Yes.

0:32:080:32:11

-Well, who won?

-This is ridiculous.

0:32:110:32:14

We can't all pick scientifically. Who won?

0:32:140:32:18

-Tiny Tim.

-CHIRPS

0:32:180:32:21

-Four-to-one.

-There you are, you see. Now are you satisfied?

0:32:210:32:26

There's a clever boy, then.

0:32:260:32:28

-Did he pick two winners for Mummy?

-Shut up a minute. I want to try another one.

-I don't want to do it.

0:32:280:32:36

NOT you, HIM! Listen, Mush, here are the runners of the 4 o'clock. Concentrate.

0:32:360:32:43

"The Woozer.

0:32:430:32:45

"X-Ray. Double Dwelling."

0:32:450:32:48

I'll see you. Two pairs.

0:32:480:32:51

Oh dear, you've beaten me again!

0:32:510:32:55

I knew this would be my lucky day! No looking.

0:32:550:32:59

Hello, Mrs Spragg. It's got very cold.

0:33:100:33:13

Not surprising.

0:33:130:33:16

DOOR CLOSES

0:33:220:33:25

I thought I heard the front door. Yes.

0:33:250:33:28

Victor!

0:33:360:33:38

-What are you doing without any trousers?

-You can talk!

0:33:380:33:43

Eh? ..Oooh! Aaah!

0:33:430:33:45

"Polar Prince.

0:33:470:33:49

"Silver Plate.

0:33:490:33:51

-"Pollyanna."

-CHIRPS

0:33:510:33:53

-Well, did it?

-Yes. He's picked the winner of every race yesterday.

0:33:530:33:58

-He must have seen the results in the paper.

-What are you TALKING about? He can't read!

0:33:580:34:05

-How do you know? You didn't know how they made love.

-He's getting information from somewhere. Where?

0:34:050:34:13

-TALK.

-You know he can't talk.

-Big, fat, beady-eyed useless lump.

0:34:130:34:18

Don't talk to him like that. Anyway, he's picked all the winners.

0:34:180:34:24

AFTER they'd run. If he could pick 'em before they...

0:34:240:34:28

I wonder. What's the time?

0:34:290:34:32

-Half-past three.

-I can be at the betting shop by 4.30.

0:34:320:34:37

Now, listen, genius, big, handsome lad.

0:34:370:34:41

-What you going to do to him?

-I'm going to read you the runners of the 4.30 at Kempton today.

0:34:410:34:49

Relax, think carefully. Winners only.

0:34:490:34:53

"Family Steps.

0:34:530:34:55

"Petticoat.

0:34:550:34:57

-"Peewit The Third"

-CHIRPS

0:34:570:35:00

-Peewit The Third?

-CHIRPS

0:35:000:35:03

You must be out of your tiny mind!

0:35:030:35:06

-You've made him dirty his cage again.

-I'm not surprised! Peewit The Third.

-CHIRPS

-All right.

0:35:070:35:15

But, if you're wrong, I'll wring your bloody neck.

0:35:150:35:20

No, Mummy will wring Daddy's bloody neck!

0:35:200:35:24

It's all right. I'll go.

0:35:260:35:29

Oh, hello. Sorry to interrupt your dressing.

0:35:310:35:36

I was just having a game... of cards. Oh, I see(!)

0:35:360:35:42

Would you care to have a game? I'm hardly dressed for it.

0:35:420:35:47

We'll soon get those off! No, thanks. I've come to see Vic.

0:35:470:35:52

If you'll excuse me, I must get back to it.

0:35:520:35:57

-I thought I might find you back here. ..Here's your trousers.

-Oh, thanks a lot.

0:35:570:36:04

-They'll be very useful, they will, in case my legs row and split up(!)

-YOU told me to follow that car!

0:36:050:36:13

-Did you?

-What?

-Follow the car!

0:36:130:36:15

-Yeah! I stuck to them like a limpet.

-Where did they go?

-Into a cinema.

0:36:150:36:21

-Right, come on!

-If we hurry, we can make the 2nd half of the game.

0:36:210:36:26

We're NOT going to the football!

0:36:260:36:28

CLANG!

0:36:300:36:33

-Is this the wonderfully interesting film?

-No, it's the one after this.

0:36:340:36:40

'Women are busily engaged in peeling vegetables and cutting up the meat.

0:36:400:36:48

'To do this they use knives

0:36:480:36:51

'and other kitchen implements.

0:36:510:36:53

'Let us watch their nimble fingers at work.

0:36:540:36:59

'Few white people have seen this.'

0:36:590:37:01

Blimey, how much more of this?

0:37:010:37:04

Why don't you stop moaning?

0:37:040:37:07

That's choice! We miss the football and pay 6 bob to watch idiots make Irish stew.

0:37:070:37:14

'We bid farewell to Kuku Island.'

0:37:140:37:17

-He's got his arm round her now.

-Who?

-Lewis!

0:37:170:37:21

MANAGER: The next film was refused a certificate by the Film Censors.

0:37:210:37:28

< The Council agreed to a showing. That sounds better!

0:37:280:37:32

Ssssh!

0:37:320:37:35

I am a well-known and practising doctor.

0:37:350:37:38

In the artistic picture which follows

0:37:380:37:42

you will see naked men and women engaged in the arts of sexual love.

0:37:420:37:47

This is not intended to shock, but to demonstrate that the sexual act

0:37:470:37:54

far from being something to fear...

0:37:540:37:56

is a great joy and pleasure which can, and indeed should, be enjoyed by everyone.

0:37:560:38:03

Let us familiarise ourselves with the component parts of the male body.

0:38:030:38:09

And this...the female body.

0:38:110:38:13

God, you don't miss a trick, do you?

0:38:130:38:17

Cor!

0:38:180:38:19

-No, wait, Myrtle, please!

-CRASH

0:38:210:38:25

-Come on, they're leaving.

-Eh?

-Come on!

-Oh no, not NOW.

0:38:250:38:30

Let us look at the different ways the two can be brought together.

0:38:310:38:36

Move! Come on.

0:38:360:38:38

Oh, NO.

0:38:380:38:41

CLANG!

0:38:440:38:47

COMMENTATOR: 'That's the line-up for the last race at Doncaster.

0:38:480:38:55

-'Result of the 4.30 at Kempton - First, Peewit The Third...'

-He did it! Benny, £1 each way 10-1.

0:38:550:39:03

Got yourself a good win, eh, Sidney? Congratulations.

0:39:030:39:07

-(They've finished eating.)

-That makes me feel a lot better(!)

-What's wrong?

0:39:340:39:40

Stone me! You drag me away from the match, out of the cinema,

0:39:400:39:45

you drag me to watch them stuffing themselves, then ask what's wrong?

0:39:450:39:50

-You didn't have to come out with me.

-And I can't wait not to come out with you tomorrow either.

0:39:500:39:57

-I'm not watching him having it away with Myrtle.

-Why not?

0:39:570:40:02

-I didn't know it was going to be THAT sort of a film.

-What a day!

0:40:020:40:07

It just needs Dad to walk in now!

0:40:070:40:11

-What's he got against me?

-Plenty, apart from you being the boss's son.

0:40:110:40:16

-Is that so bad?

-You should hear him!

-What makes him think I want to marry you?

0:40:160:40:23

He doesn't. He had you weighed up right away.

0:40:230:40:27

-"I know all about blokes like Mr Lewis."

-Oh...

0:40:270:40:31

-Yes?

-Oh...a couple of those, please.

0:40:310:40:34

Em...I mean, THESE, please.

0:40:340:40:37

If I were you I'd have stuck to your first request.

0:40:370:40:41

I fancy the fellah with the ears!

0:40:410:40:45

-Did you see that waitress? Was that real?

-Yeah. The only qualifications needed for the job - big prospects.

0:40:450:40:53

In some places they're totally topless.

0:40:530:40:56

-Nothing?

-Not a stitch.

-That's tricky when they're serving soup!

-And frying chips!

0:40:560:41:03

If I say I'm sorry about the film, and about being the boss's son, could we start again?

0:41:050:41:12

-And about being on the make with me?

-From now on, just good friends?

-I'll drink to that!

0:41:120:41:19

Is a dance within the rules?

0:41:210:41:23

Yeah. Provided there's no dirty work in the clinches!

0:41:230:41:28

-He's got her on the floor.

-In front of everybody?

0:41:300:41:34

-Sorry. Lewis!

-Hello, Roger.

0:41:410:41:43

-Sorry I was put out when you called.

-It's OK.

-But you can use the flat tonight.

0:41:430:41:49

ROGER LAUGHS You bastard!

0:41:490:41:53

Wait, Myrtle, please.

0:41:530:41:55

Aaah!

0:41:550:41:57

Thank you, Joey.

0:42:150:42:17

I don't seem to have seen anything of young Mr Lewis, have you, Bern?

0:42:270:42:33

No, he's away. That's what you...

0:42:330:42:37

That was two weeks ago. I wondered if he'd left us. Have you heard anything?

0:42:370:42:43

I couldn't care less what's happened to him.

0:42:430:42:47

-Nearly dropped me in it.

-Is it a secret?

0:42:470:42:51

-Sitting down on the job again?

-Nothing in the rule book states I cannot do my job sitting down.

0:42:510:42:58

-Bet you say that to all the girls.

-If you want to bring a charge...

-No, relax. Go slow. Work to rule.

0:42:580:43:06

There you are. Have a smoke as well.

0:43:060:43:09

-I'm sorry to have kept you waiting, Fred. Come on.

-< Come in.

0:43:090:43:15

-Hello, Dad.

-Lewis, I didn't know you were back!

0:43:160:43:21

We've got the Middle East contract.

0:43:210:43:24

If I say so, it was done in the face of stiff competition. Very stiff!

0:43:240:43:29

-Signed by His Highness King Frowsi of Aslam himself.

-Another crowned head to add to our clientele.

0:43:290:43:37

-What's it for?

-Bidets.

0:43:370:43:40

-Bidets!

-1,000 of them.

0:43:400:43:42

One...thousand...bidets!!

0:43:420:43:45

One for each of his wives. No favouritism.

0:43:460:43:49

-Are you mad? We do not make bidets.

-High time we started. You sign it.

0:43:490:43:55

My firm will not be associated with manufacturing such a dubious article.

0:43:550:44:00

It's worth nineteen thousand pounds.

0:44:000:44:03

I don't c...

0:44:040:44:06

£19,000! That's an awful lot of money.

0:44:070:44:11

-Payment?

-Once the order is ready in two months.

0:44:110:44:14

..Two months?!

0:44:140:44:17

-That was the only snag.

-They need them for the Feast of Abanibel.

0:44:170:44:22

Abanibel?

0:44:220:44:24

It's His Highness's custom to visit each of his wives in turn.

0:44:240:44:29

-It only happens once a year.

-I'm not surprised.

0:44:300:44:33

We couldn't possibly complete such an order in two months. We haven't even got a design!

0:44:330:44:40

-Mr Coote did one months ago. Now, sign.

-I feel I'm going into something...I shall regret.

0:44:400:44:49

-You're looking well this morning.

-Thanks, Doctor. Can I get dressed?

-Yes, while I put my eyes back in.

0:44:500:44:58

-Another new suit?

-I was lucky on the gee-gees.

-You must give me a tip.

0:44:580:45:03

Don't bend over in a tight skirt.

0:45:030:45:06

Saucy!

0:45:060:45:08

Refused you a bridging loan for a measly 1,500?

0:45:090:45:14

-It's true. The bank has been carrying us for some years.

-And now they're dropping us.

0:45:140:45:21

-It seems so. We'll have to get out of that contract.

-How much do you need?

-A thousand would do.

0:45:210:45:28

-Is that all? Don't bother with banks. I'll let you have that.

-YOU can?

-Yeah, I can get it.

0:45:280:45:36

-We've got an hour till the last race at Cheltenham.

-Last race?!

-Yeah. I have to see a bird first.

0:45:360:45:43

A bird! At Cheltenham?

0:45:430:45:45

-You promised me you'd limit it to two bets a week so he didn't overstrain himself.

-Don't argue.

0:45:450:45:53

-Read out the runners.

-All right. But don't blame me if nothing happens.

0:45:530:45:59

It's nothing to do with me, Joey.

0:45:590:46:03

I'm not the greedy one.

0:46:030:46:06

All right? Here we go, then.

0:46:060:46:09

Four-thirty at Cheltenham.

0:46:090:46:12

"Bog. Girlie.

0:46:120:46:14

"Hard To Get.

0:46:140:46:17

"Order Form.

0:46:170:46:20

"Proper Charlie.

0:46:200:46:22

"Sweet Sue." JOEY CHIRPS

0:46:220:46:24

That's the one.

0:46:240:46:27

-What's the betting?

-18-1.

-That'll do.

0:46:290:46:33

18-1 Sweet Sue. Fifty six pounds win bet.

0:46:340:46:39

That's exactly one thousand and twenty-six pounds!

0:46:390:46:44

-That's what I make it.

-Pints of blood I'm giving.

-You'll get it back.

0:46:440:46:49

-I've had a heart attack from paying it out.

-I don't like doing this.

0:46:490:46:55

-I

-don't like doing this either. Why do we go on suffering?

0:46:550:47:00

-Just 'cos I've had a bit of luck for a change.

-For a change, he says!

0:47:000:47:06

Look at this. In the last 3 weeks eleven winning bets you've had!

0:47:060:47:11

Two thousand four hundred and thirty three pounds.

0:47:110:47:15

YOU have taken from ME.

0:47:150:47:17

-Tomorrow, I'll bet the lot on a long...

-No, Sid, it's finished.

0:47:180:47:23

-Finished?

-There's a limit on you. £5.

0:47:240:47:27

What kind of sportsman ARE you?

0:47:270:47:29

If I was a sportsman I'd be riding the horses.

0:47:290:47:34

Mr Coote, please show my father your bidet design.

0:47:370:47:41

By all means. I have it right here.

0:47:410:47:44

Yes, if anyone has any use for this sort of thing. What's the cost?

0:47:440:47:49

After basic outlay on a new mould and so on...about £7 each.

0:47:490:47:54

On this contract it could be worth over 100% profit.

0:47:540:47:57

He's hit on a labour-saving idea.

0:47:570:48:01

It's quite simple. Instead of the conventional hot and cold taps and waste control tap,

0:48:010:48:08

the whole thing can be done by one simple control.

0:48:080:48:12

Hot...Cold...Down the hole.

0:48:120:48:16

Drop everything!

0:48:440:48:46

Cut the switches.

0:48:500:48:53

SILENCE

0:48:530:48:56

Blimey, now what's happened?

0:49:030:49:05

Excuse me.

0:49:050:49:07

LOUD ARGUING

0:49:070:49:10

All right! All right! What's the hold up?

0:49:130:49:17

-ALL TALK TOGETHER

-One at a time.

0:49:170:49:21

These men cannot put this fitting onto those things.

0:49:210:49:25

Am I right that this is a combined tap and waste-pipe control?

0:49:250:49:30

-Yes.

-Whose job is it to fit it?

0:49:300:49:32

-Ernie can do it, can't you?

-Of course.

0:49:330:49:36

No, because Ernie is a tap fitter.

0:49:360:49:39

-Willie can do it.

-No. Willie is a waste-pipe fitter.

0:49:390:49:43

-They can both do it.

-No. Because if one does it, he's doing the other's job.

0:49:430:49:50

-What of it if they're both working?

-That's what I said.

0:49:500:49:54

You don't have a say. This is union business.

0:49:540:49:58

-It's our union.

-And you'll do as it tells you.

0:49:580:50:02

-Under a redundancy agreement...

-But we're not making anybody redundant.

0:50:020:50:08

-These men are doing two jobs in the same time.

-What's your solution?

0:50:080:50:14

-It's not the Union's job to give solutions.

-Exactly.

0:50:140:50:19

If you was to make two separate fittings...

0:50:190:50:23

-That basin was made for that one fitting.

-Typical! Immediately they make difficulties.

0:50:230:50:30

Suppose they work together? Ernie connects it to the inlet pipe, Willie connects it to the outlet.

0:50:300:50:38

You've still got two jobs being done in the same time.

0:50:380:50:42

-It's like a man working in half the time.

-Well?

0:50:420:50:47

-Every worker doing his job in half the time would soon mess up the country.

-You can't bring 'em out!

0:50:470:50:54

-Until I acquaint the Union General Secretary with the facts, you leave me no alternative.

-Everybody out!

0:50:540:51:02

Keep your line moving.

0:51:140:51:16

Messrs Wade Ceramics, Ltd. Dear Sirs, With reference to our meeting last January,

0:51:260:51:33

when you expressed an interest in taking over this business, I must now advise you

0:51:330:51:40

that I am in a position to consider a favourable offer.

0:51:400:51:45

No! I beg your pardon, Miss Withering?

0:51:450:51:48

I can't let you give up. This strike has finished us.

0:51:480:51:52

What about me? I've given my life to Boggs.

0:51:520:51:56

You shall be taken over with the firm.

0:51:560:52:00

I don't want that. I want to carry on with you.

0:52:000:52:04

I do appreciate your loyalty...

0:52:040:52:07

No, you don't! You've NEVER appreciated me.

0:52:070:52:11

WHAT? I've worked for you 30 years.

0:52:110:52:13

Have you ever sat me on your knee, or asked me to go away a weekend?

0:52:130:52:19

Miss Withering!

0:52:190:52:21

You've never EVEN pinched my bottom.

0:52:210:52:24

I am NOT the habit of interfering with other people's seating arrangements. Now, the dictation.

0:52:240:52:31

Oh, DAMN the dictation!

0:52:310:52:34

I'm not going to watch you throw everything away. You're pressing on my keys.

0:52:340:52:41

William, fight back. I'll be at your side. I'll work for nothing. We can do it together.

0:52:410:52:47

I don't want us to do it together. You've lost confidence.

0:52:470:52:53

All you need is a good prod!

0:52:530:52:56

I assure you, that is the last thing I need. Lean on me. We'll see it through.

0:52:560:53:02

-Talk about the "Power Game"!

-Ohhh!

0:53:050:53:09

-I'm sorry we barged in on you. I had no idea you and she were...

-We weren't! And we NEVER have.

0:53:110:53:18

She was upset. After all, she's not getting any younger.

0:53:180:53:23

-She's not getting ANY.

-Yes, well. What about the Union?

0:53:230:53:27

-No luck. The Action Committee's gone off to Russia!

-Oh well, I suppose that's that.

0:53:270:53:35

-Why aren't there pickets on the gate?

-Probably on strike.

0:53:350:53:39

Dad, look!

0:53:390:53:42

I can't believe it! >

0:53:450:53:48

-They're coming back.

-I thought they would today.

-Why today?

-The annual works' outing.

0:53:500:53:57

-We'd better get ready.

-Ready? For what?

0:54:010:54:04

-You're not going with them?

-I am, my boy.

-But, why?

-Because I've decided, after all these years,

0:54:040:54:11

what I've been missing is a good booze-up.

0:54:110:54:15

-No Fred, then?

-No, he's off on another sales trip.

0:54:230:54:28

Tsk! What a pity. Today of ALL days.

0:54:280:54:31

-I spent half the night trying to talk him into having it off.

-I wouldn't have needed persuading.

0:54:310:54:39

-I shall be very happy to look after you today.

-Oh, ta.

0:54:390:54:44

Mr Plummer's offered to look after us.

0:54:440:54:48

-Oooh, that'll be lovely,

-Pleasure(!)

0:54:480:54:52

It's not much fun without a man.

0:54:520:54:55

-You should know.

-Ooh!

0:54:550:54:58

You've never done it before?

0:55:010:55:03

No. Have you? Oh, loads of times.

0:55:030:55:07

What's it like? Vic arranges it all.

0:55:070:55:10

We get to Brighton about 12 o'clock, then we have a slap-up meal.

0:55:100:55:15

What do we do after?

0:55:150:55:18

We can do anything once we're there.

0:55:180:55:21

Go on the pier, eat winkles, throw stones.

0:55:210:55:24

To be frank, Mr Coote, I've never tried it. Really?

0:55:240:55:29

You've certainly missed something.

0:55:290:55:32

I'm always ready to learn. Oh, well...

0:55:320:55:35

It's difficult to show you here, but I can tell you how it's played.

0:55:350:55:40

You deal out five cards to each person.

0:55:400:55:44

I can't think why I didn't notice you at the factory before.

0:55:450:55:50

It was a strike my first day. I had to work 3 weeks!

0:55:500:55:55

-I'm on my own today, you know.

-So I gathered, yes.

0:55:580:56:02

-Why lumber yourself with a bird, going to Brighton? It's like taking coals to Newcastle.

-If you say so.

0:56:020:56:09

The place is full of spare. Last time we had to fight them off. Like flies they were.

0:56:090:56:16

Some people attract them. Just like dustbins.

0:56:160:56:21

Yeah. Yeah, I suppose so.

0:56:210:56:23

If you're going to be on your own I wouldn't mind showing you around.

0:56:230:56:28

Thanks, but I don't think you should disappoint those flies!

0:56:280:56:33

CAR HORN BLOWS

0:56:440:56:47

'Course I'd love to spend the day with YOU, Vic.

0:57:020:57:06

-Would you?

-Yeah.

-Oh well, that's all right, then.

0:57:060:57:10

-Come on, boys and girls, this is where we're supposed to have lunch.

-Lunchtime!

0:57:330:57:40

Morning.

0:57:530:57:55

Morning, we are the Boggs and Sons outing.

0:57:550:57:59

I'm sorry, but we can't do you lunch.

0:57:590:58:03

-I'm starving!

-What? But I booked it six weeks ago.

0:58:030:58:08

I'm sorry, but our entire restaurant staff has gone on strike.

0:58:080:58:12

-They can't be!

-Listen to who's talking.

0:58:120:58:16

The bar's open and there are cold snacks.

0:58:160:58:19

-Who do they think they are?

-A bunch of down-trodden workers

0:58:190:58:24

being exploited by management.

0:58:240:58:29

What's it matter? A drink will do me.

0:58:290:58:31

Hear! Hear! The drinks are on me.

0:58:310:58:34

-This way, sir, please.

-I won't let them get away with it! Taking bread out of the poor workers' mouths.

0:58:340:58:42

-But there's nothing we can do.

-No. Yes, there is! I'm not being pushed round by anarchists!

0:58:420:58:49

Come on!

0:58:490:58:51

Ah. Hey, you!

0:58:510:58:54

-What's all this about you lot being on strike?

-Yes, we are.

0:58:540:58:59

What about it, then?

0:58:590:59:01

Tell him, Bernie.

0:59:010:59:04

- You're taking the bread out of workers' mouths. - Oh?

0:59:040:59:09

- You're a bunch of anarchists. - Really? Who says so?

0:59:090:59:14

He does.

0:59:140:59:16

There you are, Mr Spanner. In time for your drink.

0:59:190:59:24

Ah, there you are, Vic.

0:59:240:59:26

Well, we certainly told him, didn't we?

0:59:260:59:30

# She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes.

0:59:310:59:36

# She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes... #

0:59:360:59:40

Myrtle, listen to me.

0:59:400:59:43

-Please stop bothering me.

-No, I won't!

0:59:430:59:47

-You heard Myrt, so buzz off!

-Move or I'll knock your head off.

-Yes?

0:59:470:59:52

-Yes!

-Bernie!

0:59:520:59:55

-Mr Lewis, we don't want no trouble.

-No?

0:59:550:59:58

-Who's going to stop it then?

-Me.

-All right, go on, try it.

0:59:581:00:03

Don't say I didn't warn you.

1:00:031:00:05

-Now you've REALLY done it!

-For God's sake.

1:00:101:00:14

Gosh, I AM sorry, Vic. Are you all right?

1:00:151:00:19

# Yippie, aye, aye, yippie Aye, aye, yippie

1:00:191:00:23

# Aye, aye, yippie, yippie, aye! #

1:00:231:00:27

Oh, splendid! Splendid! Let's have more drinks.

1:00:281:00:32

-Let's go for a walk. There's a smashing front here.

-There's a smashing one there too!

1:00:321:00:40

-Let's go on the pier and have a winkle.

-You can have one through that door.

1:00:401:00:46

No, let's go on the pier!

1:00:461:00:48

Come on, Myrt, come on!

1:01:011:01:04

We have a lot of conferences down here.

1:01:051:01:09

There's nothing to it. I'll show you.

1:01:201:01:24

It looks quite easy. Let's all have a go.

1:01:341:01:38

Oy! Watch it!

1:01:421:01:44

Come on then.

1:02:001:02:03

Skinheads!

1:02:051:02:07

That showed him.

1:02:071:02:10

Ah!

1:02:101:02:12

There's something I want to have a go at.

1:02:121:02:16

Hold it perfectly still. I'll take it...

1:02:221:02:26

NOW.

1:02:261:02:28

How was that?

1:02:281:02:31

Beautiful, Bern, beautiful.

1:02:311:02:34

-Come on, Vic, let's have a go on the mat.

-In front of everybody?

1:02:341:02:39

Oh, the helter-skelter?

1:02:391:02:42

Come on!

1:02:421:02:44

-You've had enough. You've got to have something to eat.

-One moment.

1:02:441:02:50

There was a young fellow called Reg Who went with a girl in a hedge.

1:02:501:02:55

When along came his wife With a big carving knife And cut off his meat and two veg.

1:02:551:03:02

Yeee-hoo!

1:03:061:03:08

Ooooh!

1:03:111:03:13

Vic darling, I haven't had so much fun in all my life! Thanks.

1:03:161:03:21

< Ahhh!

1:03:241:03:26

# We are the champions. #

1:03:261:03:29

Oooh, what was that digging in me? Only my camera.

1:03:291:03:34

I've found a fortune-teller. Shall we try it?

1:03:361:03:40

Fortune teller! No! Waste of money. Fakes, that's all they are. Looking in their crystal what's-it.

1:03:401:03:47

-Balls.

-I QUITE agree! Absolutely ridiculous.

1:03:471:03:51

-I don't mind having a go. I love them.

-Let's have a bash.

1:03:511:03:55

Never mind, Miss Withering. Have a cockle. Much better for you.

1:03:561:04:01

Do you think I ought to? I've heard that shellfish do strange things - in a sex way, I mean.

1:04:011:04:09

Really? Oooh, let's watch 'em then!

1:04:091:04:12

-Anybody home?

-Look. "Gone to lunch. Back in the near future."

-The foreseeable future, I hope.

1:04:161:04:24

-We'll come back later.

-Wait a minute.

1:04:241:04:27

I've got an idea. Hang on.

1:04:281:04:31

But I DON'T want my fortune told. I told you, I don't believe in it.

1:04:401:04:45

You will in this one. Go on, be a sport! All right, then.

1:04:451:04:50

Excuse me, dear. Customers.

1:04:511:04:54

I know, I saw you coming.

1:04:541:04:57

-I beg your pardon?

-In the ball. You are indeed in need of help. Please be seated.

1:04:571:05:03

-Now then, do you wish me to prognosticate?

-Please do. We'll wait.

1:05:031:05:10

-LAUGHS >

-Please, I must have silence to establish contact.

1:05:101:05:16

Sssh.

1:05:181:05:19

Ah! The mists are clearing.

1:05:201:05:23

I see a picture forming.

1:05:231:05:26

All around you are strange looking objects. White and shining.

1:05:261:05:32

-Do lavatories play a big part in your life?

-WHAT? Why, yes, they DO.

1:05:321:05:39

Yes. You are a cloakroom attendant.

1:05:391:05:42

Certainly not! I manufacture them!

1:05:421:05:45

I have a factory.

1:05:451:05:47

I see a picture of it. The factory is about to fall into ruins.

1:05:471:05:52

-No!

-Unless...

-What?

1:05:521:05:55

There is a woman who loves you.

1:05:551:05:57

Her name begins with...W.

1:05:571:06:01

-Is it Widdling?

-Withering. Miss Withering.

1:06:011:06:06

That's it. Your affinities will be closely entwined.

1:06:061:06:11

Don't be disgusting!

1:06:111:06:14

I see...a marriage!

1:06:141:06:17

And one, two, three, fourteen children!

1:06:171:06:21

Oh no! No!

1:06:211:06:23

William, don't go. William, come back!

1:06:241:06:28

Not bad!

1:06:301:06:32

-Do you want to do me now?

-Not 'alf. Let me get these things off first.

1:06:321:06:38

William! William, come back!

1:06:451:06:48

WILLIAM.

1:06:481:06:51

Excuse me.

1:07:161:07:19

WHISPERS

1:07:191:07:21

Aaaah!

1:07:271:07:29

Switch it off. My girl's in there.

1:07:341:07:37

Let me go! Let me GO!

1:07:381:07:42

-Not until you listen to what I've got to say.

-Oh.

1:07:421:07:46

-Now, d'you see this?

-NO, I don't!

1:07:461:07:49

-What is it anyway?

-It's a Special Marriage Licence.

-What?

1:07:491:07:54

-A Special Marriage Licence, my darling. Do we use it or tear it up?

-Oh...

1:07:541:08:01

-Lewis.

-..Darling.

1:08:011:08:05

Leave her alone! Put her down!

1:08:121:08:15

Excuse me a minute, darling.

1:08:151:08:18

THUMPS AND CRIES

1:08:181:08:24

-Blimey?! Where d'you think they've got to?

-Search me. What happened to Myrtle?

1:08:541:09:00

-I don't know or care!

-What's this?

1:09:011:09:04

BOGGS LAUGHS

1:09:091:09:12

-Oh, naughty!

-Come on, ladies. Off you come.

1:09:151:09:19

-Looks like Fred's not home yet. No car.

-He said he wouldn't be home till tomorrow night.

-Shame, innit?

1:11:531:12:02

-Looks like Beattie's asleep.

-Good.

-Eh?

-I mean, em...good for her.

1:12:021:12:07

Chlo! Oh, blimey, Chlo!

1:12:081:12:11

-Yes, Sid?

-Nothing.

1:12:111:12:14

-I think we ought to go to bed, OUR beds, I mean.

-Yeah, I suppose so.

1:12:141:12:20

-I would have liked to ask you in for a cup of tea.

-Oh?

-But you know how the neighbours talk.

-Yeah.

1:12:201:12:28

-I suppose you couldn't come in with me at this time of night without someone seeing us.

-No.

1:12:281:12:35

-Not that we'd be doing what they think.

-Oh no!

-If Fred did get to hear about it...

1:12:351:12:41

Yeah, quite right. Not worth it really. Not just for a cup of tea. Oh, well!

1:12:411:12:48

-Good night, Sid.

-'Night. Sleep tight.

1:12:581:13:01

Tight's the word!

1:13:011:13:04

Bloody neighbours.

1:13:041:13:06

Mr Boggs! Tea.

1:13:361:13:38

W.C! Tea!

1:13:411:13:43

Thank you.

1:13:431:13:46

Very nice... Miss Withering, what are YOU doing here?

1:13:461:13:51

- This is my room, Mr Boggs. - Oh, I see.

1:13:511:13:56

-What?! Then what am

-I

-doing here?

1:13:561:13:58

You were in no fit state to look after yourself, so I had two of the men bring you up here.

1:13:581:14:06

Well, that was very thoughtful... I beg your pardon! I didn't realise they'd undressed me!

1:14:061:14:13

- They didn't. - ..You mean YOU...!

1:14:131:14:18

Don't worry. I know what a man looks like.

1:14:181:14:22

- You're not all THAT much different. - Miss Withering...

1:14:221:14:28

- Yes? - Did we get off... Did I get off to sleep?

1:14:281:14:33

- Don't you remember, William? - No, I don't.

1:14:331:14:37

That is something we shall always be wondering about...isn't it?

1:14:371:14:42

Charles!

1:14:571:14:59

CHARLES. Get up and come inside!

1:14:591:15:04

SNIFFS

1:15:121:15:13

You've been drinking! I had some bad news.

1:15:131:15:18

I don't give a damn! I married one drunk and I'm NOT marrying another!

1:15:181:15:24

That was the bad news.

1:15:241:15:26

We won't be able to get married.

1:15:261:15:29

What d'you mean?

1:15:291:15:31

Mr Boggs is going to close down the works.

1:15:311:15:35

Close them? Why?

1:15:351:15:37

Because of the strike. I knew it. It's that little sod Victor's fault.

1:15:371:15:43

I'm not going to let that little swine mess up my bloody life.

1:15:431:15:48

We have got to keep a full picket-line today,

1:15:481:15:52

-because I hear some of the men want to come back!

-Oh, do they?

1:15:521:15:57

-If they want to, how are we going to stop 'em?

-Force. Whatever happens we have got to stand firm.

1:15:581:16:05

Can I have the cricket bat? I can't play tennis.

1:16:131:16:18

PHONE RINGS

1:16:221:16:24

It's all right, William. Thank you, Miss Withering.

1:16:261:16:30

Now, William! I beg your pardon. Hortense. That's better.

1:16:301:16:36

Boggs and Son. Mr Boggs' personal secretary speaking.

1:16:361:16:41

Oh, Mr Lewis. Yes, he's here.

1:16:411:16:43

Hello, Lewis, my boy. I apologise for not getting home last night. I got laid up...I mean, held up.

1:16:431:16:51

I was going to say the same to you.

1:16:511:16:53

No, no, there's nothing wrong. Far from it.

1:16:531:16:58

The fact is, I got married.

1:16:581:17:00

..Married!

1:17:001:17:02

That's right. To Myrtle Plummer.

1:17:021:17:05

That'll surprise her father!

1:17:051:17:08

I HAD to marry her.

1:17:081:17:10

No, no, no, I mean it was the only way.

1:17:111:17:15

-We booked into a hotel. We've been driving all night and want to get to bed.

-"At long last" he says.

1:17:151:17:24

You can say that again. Not you, Dad!

1:17:241:17:28

-You won't mind if I don't come back to work for a few days?

-Not at all!

1:17:281:17:33

I'm taking up Moore's offer for the firm.

1:17:331:17:37

Thanks. I knew you... You've WHAT? Dad, you can't do THAT, Dad!

1:17:371:17:43

RECEIVER REPLACED

1:17:431:17:45

Oh no, no.

1:17:451:17:47

I've got to stop him.

1:17:471:17:50

Well, here I am at long last, darling.

1:17:531:17:57

Get dressed as quickly as you can.

1:18:001:18:02

-What?

-We've got to get back!

1:18:031:18:05

-Something important's come up.

-Won't it keep?

1:18:051:18:09

Oh, I DO hope it will!

1:18:091:18:12

-Excuse me, W.C., have you seen my daughter this morning?

-Em...no.

1:18:151:18:20

-She left Brighton with your son and hasn't been home all night.

-Myrtle has always commanded respect.

1:18:201:18:28

-I'm sure Lewis will see she gets it.

-That's what I'm afraid of!

1:18:281:18:33

-Now, listen...

-< RAISED VOICES

-What's that?

1:18:331:18:37

Let's see.

1:18:371:18:39

Looks like a show-down.

1:18:411:18:43

Listen! We are on official strike pending confirmation.

1:18:431:18:48

Until then there will be NO return to work.

1:18:481:18:52

What's the point if it means Boggs will close down?

1:18:521:18:56

That is not the point, Brother, so why don't you...stop making trouble?

1:18:561:19:02

All WE want to do is an honest day's work!

1:19:021:19:06

"All we want...!" Bolshie talk like that got this country in the mess it's in today.

1:19:061:19:14

The last thing we want is violence so at the first sign of anything

1:19:141:19:19

don't argue, don't get involved... bash 'em!

1:19:191:19:23

Well, we might as well go home.

1:19:231:19:26

-I don't reckon we'll have any more trouble.

-I don't know about that. Just look at this lot!

1:19:261:19:33

Blimey, my old woman's there! And mine!

1:19:361:19:40

-Stop!

-Mum, what are you doing here?

-I've come to knock some commonsense into you!

1:19:461:19:52

-Mum, not in front of everyone!

-You're ashamed. As you should be!

1:19:521:19:57

Shift your arse and let these people in to work!

1:19:571:20:01

Ladies, this strike is quite legitimate.

1:20:011:20:04

That's more than they say about you!

1:20:041:20:08

I must ask you all to disperse peacefully.

1:20:081:20:12

Disperse, crap! Are you going to MOVE?

1:20:121:20:16

-We must stand firm on our principles.

-Oh, yeah?

-It is the worker's democratic right

1:20:161:20:23

-to do whatever he likes.

-Shut up!

-It is the democratic...

-Shut up and give me that, you squirt!

1:20:231:20:30

I should have done this years ago.

1:20:321:20:35

OW! Ow.

1:20:351:20:36

Will somebody open those damn gates?

1:20:421:20:45

Thank you, ladies.

1:20:581:21:00

We thought you might need extra help. We want to come back to work.

1:21:001:21:06

I really appreciate this moving gesture. Such a wonderful display of loyalty.

1:21:061:21:12

Cut the cackle and let's get on with the work!

1:21:131:21:17

-Well done, Beattie, you can go home now.

-But I thought I'd stay on. Make a change for me.

1:21:181:21:25

-Stay on?

-Yeah.

-Oh, all right then, come on.

1:21:251:21:29

Come on!

1:21:311:21:33

-Brothers, you're not going to let a bunch of women tell you what to do?

-Don't they always?

1:21:331:21:40

Don't let's give in like this. Be firm. Make a stand. Has it all been for nothing?

1:21:401:21:47

-Bernie, DO something!

-I don't know about YOU blokes, but I'm not going to let any woman take MY job!

1:21:471:21:55

Now, then, come on, let's get back to work.

1:21:551:21:58

Go back to work, but don't expect me to join you! Nothing on earth would get me back in.

1:21:581:22:05

Nothing on earth, I tell you!

1:22:051:22:08

Excuse me, but they sent me from the Exchange. I'm the new canteen girl.

1:22:191:22:26

-Can you tell me where I go?

-Yes, I'll show you where it is.

1:22:261:22:31

We've got a lovely pair of canteens here.

1:22:311:22:35

What's going on?

1:22:501:22:53

Oooh!

1:22:571:22:59

-Chlo, about last night, when you asked me in for tea?

-What about it?

1:22:591:23:06

I wanted it BADLY. The tea, I mean.

1:23:061:23:09

-It's a bit late for that now.

-No, there must be another chance. Next year? Even sooner, perhaps?

1:23:091:23:17

Hello, Beattie.

1:23:171:23:20

-Getting on all right, then?

-YES. I think I might take a job here.

1:23:211:23:26

-You'll what?

-Seems more sensible than talking to a bird all day.

1:23:261:23:31

There's no harm in talking to a bird.

1:23:311:23:35

Well, you should know. Here you are.

1:23:351:23:38

And I could come on the outings with you.

1:23:381:23:42

Yes...that's right.

1:23:421:23:45

-What do you want?

-Eh...well, I'm still employed here, aren't I?

1:23:521:23:57

-Unless YOU want to fire me.

-Supposing I did?

-That'd be victimisation.

-..Get working!

1:23:571:24:04

-But I want it understood, I'm only doing so under protest.

-Knickers!

1:24:041:24:10

FLUSHING OF TOILET

1:24:111:24:14

-Better now, Maudie?

-Oh! Oooh, Mr Plummer!

1:24:141:24:18

-Myrtle, where the hell have you been?

-It's all right, we're married.

1:24:201:24:26

-Married?

-Yes. I hope you don't object, Dad.

1:24:261:24:30

-Dad?! My daughter marries into management and you ask if I object? I DO!

-But you're management too.

1:24:301:24:38

How dare you insult me like that! I'M Works Foreman.

1:24:381:24:42

-Didn't Dad tell you?

-What?

-In return for the financial help he's making you a director.

1:24:421:24:49

-Director?

-Yes.

-Oh, NO! I'm a worker. I don't want to sit on my fat...

1:24:491:24:55

-Come on, Lewis, we better go.

-I'll kill that bloody budgie!

1:24:551:25:01

-Here, Vic, there's no paper in that loo.

-What was that, Bern?

1:25:021:25:07

-I just said, there's no paper in that toilet again.

-There's a situation.

1:25:071:25:13

-Bernie.

-Yep.

-Don't just stand there.

1:25:141:25:17

-I know...

-Nip out and buy a couple of rolls.

-Good lad!

1:25:171:25:23

Come on, don't hang about. Carry on working.

1:25:251:25:29

Subtitles by Hazel Nairn BBC - 1987

1:25:341:25:38

E-mail us at [email protected]

1:25:381:25:41

Classic British comedy with the Carry On team. A shop steward finds himself at loggerheads with the management at a lavatory factory. Much to his chagrin, his daughter is dating the boss' son, but his mood improves when he discovers that his hitherto mute budgie has a very special, and potentially lucrative, talent.


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