Carry On Loving

Thanks for a smashing weekend. Wonderful company, lovely food

and your wife makes love magnificently!

-Excuse me, sir, but did I hear you correctly?

-What's that, old chap?

-You were a guest of that gentleman and you tell him that his wife makes love magnificently?

-That's right.

Do you think that's quite correct?

Well, no, not exactly. But I wouldn't like to offend him!

I say, that was rather thoughtful of you.

CONDUCTOR WHISTLES

-Fare?

-Oh, very fair, I'd say.

-Come on, I ain't got all day.

-Oh, em, Guildhall, please.

Any more fares, please?

Fares, please.

Going all the way?

Go down front, sir. You'll see better.

-You were with that Esme Crowfoot woman all evening!

-I only popped in for a bit.

-Half an hour. That's not long.

-It's long enough for you. Why did you go to her flat, anyway?

-I have to vet our clients.

-Vet!? Is that the new word for it?

I can't fix them up unless I know what they do and how...they live.

-Like the tobacconist's widow? You vetted her at least 50 times!

-I only go in for my shag!

It's MY job to find out what the female clients do. YOU should look after the men!

-I know what THEY do!

-What would you say if I vetted the male clients?

-I'd say God help 'em!

You rotten beast! I've had enough!

Stop it! Get off!

I've had enough of you!

You've gone raving mad!

BELL PLAYS WEDDING MARCH

Come in!

-Oh, I beg your pardon.

-That's OK. We're not ashamed of being in love.

-No, dear.

-How can we help?

-Well, I was looking for a wife.

-You couldn't come to a better place, could he, my little baby?

-No, indeed. Well, I shall have to leave you for a while, darling.

-Business before pleasure, my dove.

-Excuse us. Eh, sugar puff?

-I'll count the moments till I can get at you again.

-Amazing! Ten years we've been married.

-I'd like a wife like that.

We'll find you something better... something more suited to you. Sit down, Mr...

-Muffit. Bertram Muffit.

-Muffit. We'll find you a crumpet to go with that!

-Pardon?

-Never mind. Now then, Mr Muffin...

-Muffit.

-Our charges are two guineas registration and two when you click.

-Click?

-Get married. If you click without getting married, four guineas.

-OK.

-Bertram Muffin...

-Muffit.

-We'll just get a few details. Age?

-Oh...seventeen, I think.

-Seventeen?

-I thought the younger she was, the longer she'd last.

-No, I want YOUR age.

-Oh, twenty-seven.

-What are you interested in?

-Same as most chaps.

-And that is?

-I don't know. I've never done it.

-Try it. it's lovely.

-If I know what you like, I can find a girl who likes it, too.

-Yes, I'd like a girl who likes it, too.

-Hobbies?

-My main one is making model aeroplanes.

-Planes?

-Yes. From milk bottle tops.

-Milk bottle tops?

-They're not flying models.

-No? Any other hobbies?

-I rather like collecting book-matches.

-I'm sure we'll find a girl who likes to collect the odd packet.

-Oh, good.

-Well, that's the lot.

-Wonderful. What happens now?

Come with me.

Now, then, all we do is feed the information in here

and a lady suitable to you comes out there.

-She must be very small!

-No, no. Just the lady's particulars, not the lady herself.

This is a fantastic piece of machinery. It cost a bomb. A miracle of modern technology.

Bottle tops and book-matches - what a catch(!)

Ah! Oh, yes, I think this is the ideal one, Mr Bliss.

-Here we are, then.

-That was quick.

-That's the beauty of it, Mr Muffin.

-Muffit.

It finds the right girl in minutes. Shall we see who the lucky lady is?

There's been a technical error. This one is out of circulation.

-What's the idea? Why her?

-Why not? She's a client.

-She's no good!

-YOU seem to find her satisfactory.

Let's have another one.

You forget, Sidney, dear. I didn't choose her. It was that miracle of modern technology.

-Or perhaps you'd like me to explain how it works...

-No, no!

-We don't need you...darling.

-I want the gentleman fixed up properly.

-That's a pity.

-Has your computer gone wrong?

-No, it was too accurate.

-Her hobby is not compatible with yours.

-How?

-She makes Christmas decorations from milk bottle tops.

-That could lead to fights.

-I'm sure we wouldn't.

-I'm telling you.

-Oh, nonsense, sweetheart. I think it's a lovely idea.

Can't you see them sitting by the fire doing things with their tops?

-I'm ready if she is, Mr Bliss.

-She's ready all right. To have a go.

-Don't be a spoilsport, Sidney.

-Her number's on the card.

-I'll do it...darling.

That's it. Hold it.

PHONE RINGS Excuse me one moment.

-Esme Crowfoot speaking.

-This is Mr Bliss.

-You've got a nerve after the way you behaved last night!

-Yes, I'm very sorry to bother you.

-We have a young gentleman who is very keen to meet you.

-No, thanks.

(She's all excited about it.)

I don't know what you expect me to do, but it'll take more than a few tired daffodils!

That's very nice of you to say so. We try to give satisfaction. How about this evening?

-That's fine with Mr Muffin.

-Muffit.

-How about the Parkway cocktail bar at 7.30?

Lovely, fine. You're very welcome.

Well, that's that, then. Two guineas registration fee, two for the introduction.

-I'll give you one of our introductory cards.

-Thank you.

-And our little booklet of tips. A sort of Do It Yourselves!

-Pardon?

-Never mind.

-Thank you.

-That's very nice of you. "The Wit To Woo" by Sidney Bliss.

-That's all, then. The very best of luck, Mr Muffit.

-Muffin. Em...

-Was there something else?

-My change. I gave you £5.

-2 guineas registration, 2 for an introduction, and 16 bob for the booklet.

-Oh...yes. Oh, thank you.

-Not at all. Parkway cocktail bar, 7.30. Ta-ra!

Sophie! Sophie, cut it out!

Henry, do you think we should try Mr Snooper's advice?

If you want, but I don't think a pair of steps is the answer.

If I'm to help your problems, I must insist on absolute candour.

Do not be afraid to use natural words for natural functions.

You won't easily shock me, so let's have the dirty linen out and give it a jolly good washing.

-Who's going to be first?

-Well, I suppose the trouble is we just can't get on.

Get on what? A horse? A bus?

Oh, no. You know. We just seem to have rows all the time.

Ah, rows. About what, precisely?

Everything. Like that fireside chair I got him.

It was made for a bloody midget! I couldn't get half my arse on it!

That's hardly the cause for a row. Learn to turn the other cheek.

In a manner of speaking!

I didn't come here for a laugh, mate!

There's usually a deep, underlying cause of stress in these cases.

Of course there is. Our problem is about our sex.

Well, at least you're one of each. Some people are far worse off.

-You trying to be funny?

-No!

You don't seem to get the point. The trouble with my wife is... she won't have...relations.

Oh, I think that's hardly fair. It's perfectly normal to entertain members of the family.

No. She won't have...

intercourse.

What!? You must chat sometimes!

He's saying we never have it! Intimacy never takes place between us.

Ah, I see! You should have mentioned that in the first place. That's the root of the problem!

Of course, everyone should lead a well-balanced sex life.

That's the trouble. He's five stones heavier than me!

Mmm, yes, ooh, I see. I understand the position you've been put on. Put in!

-What's he talking about?

-Don't you see you're a dead weight?

-You're a bloody dead loss!

-Here I am, trying to help you...

-You couldn't help a dog find a bloody lamp-post!

How dare you!? You use words like "relations" and "intercourse" with no idea what they mean!

-You're round the bleedin' twist!

-That's it! Get out of my office!

-We're getting out, don't worry.

Mr Snooper, I must ask you to keep your voice down!

-I'm trying to give some good advice.

-You couldn't advise a constipated cow to take a laxative!

Sir, if you and your wife would care to wait outside, I'll see you in a moment.

-Snooper, these incidents happen far too often.

-I'm very sorry, sir.

I should never have employed a bachelor to advise married couples.

-My father and mother were a married couple.

-I'm delighted to hear it.

-But unless you get married, we will have to dispense with your services.

-But I'm a confirmed bachelor.

-I don't know any women.

-Find one! Go to a matrimonial agency. But do it - soon!

Married(!) It'll disrupt my entire life.

-That's all right. Now, then, did you say you'd been married before?

-That's right. Twice.

-Your wives are dead?

-That's right.

I see.

-First wife died from eating mushrooms.

-Oh, sorry to hear that.

So was she. The second wife died from a fractured skull.

-How did that happen?

-She wouldn't eat the mushrooms.

-Wouldn't... Thanks, Dr Crippen(!) Don't call us, we'll call you.

-Thank you.

You must be joking!

-Good afternoon. The Wedded Bliss Agency sent me.

-Mr Philpott?

-Yes. To meet Miss Jenny Grubb.

-Jenny is my daughter.

-Thank goodness...it's the right place.

-That remains to be seen.

-Jenny is in here, Mr Philpott, having tea. You haven't had it, have you?

-No, we've never met.

-Tea!

-No, sorry, I haven't.

Afternoon.

Nice day.

-This is Mr Philpott, who wishes to marry Jenny.

-Steady on. Give us a chance to get to know each other.

-See how we hit it off.

-Mr Philpott, there will be no hitting it off before marriage.

-I only went to the agency for a bit of fun.

-Fun? I fear you've come to the wrong place.

Yes, I can see that.

-Well, you may as well meet Jenny.

-Thanks. Nice to have met you all.

-She's HERE.

This is Jenny.

-How do you do, Jenny?

-No physical contact yet, please!

Jenny, get Mr Philpott some tea.

Oh, I'm sorry. I beg your pardon.

Thank you.

Well, this is jolly nice.

-(Sugar?)

-What?

-Sugar?

-Oh, yes. Thank you.

I'm sorry. Oh, I beg your pardon. It slipped.

-Mr Philpott?

-Yes.

-Would you mind resuming your seat before you wreck the house?

-Yes, I'm so sorry.

-I seem to have... done one of your saucers in.

-No matter. Only Crown Derby.

-That's OK.

-Jenny, get Mr Philpott more tea.

-You must think I'm awfully clumsy.

-Yes, but we'll overlook that and get down to practical matters.

-Regarding the period of courtship...

-Yes.

-You can see Jenny once a week in the company of a family member.

-I couldn't see her alone?

-That wouldn't be at all wise. Jenny has no experience of men.

-Really?

-I have done it.

-Beg pardon?

-Put it in.

-Oh!

-The sugar.

-Ah!

What is your financial status?

-Excuse me. I have a private income of about £3,000 a year.

-Is that all?

-It's enough!

Not to run a house of this size. There's the family to provide for. We live well, but not extravagantly.

Just a minute! If I was mug enough to marry her, I wouldn't live here with this lot!

We have always been and intend to remain one big, happy family.

It wouldn't work out, not with the way I like to live - all-night parties, pot smoking.

Goodbye, and thank you for the tea.

I'm so sorry.

Bye.

I like him.

Wedded Bliss Agency. Mr Philpott. How was the introduction?

FURIOUS RANTING

I'm sorry. I can't vet them all personally.

I never saw Miss Grubb. Her mother did what?

Yes, and I sympathise. Hang on a minute, will you?

Maybe I can put you on to something a little more amenable.

We have Miss Adams here. An absolute cracker for you. And she can cook, too.

The phone number is 663 404 271. Right?

-We aim to see that all our clients get satisfaction.

-BLOWS RASPBERRY

And you.

Esme Crowfoot. You've got to do something about that, Sidney.

Sophie, darling, I've been thinking.

-Well?

-About Mr Muffin meeting Miss Crowfoot. It's all wrong.

-What are you up to?

-Nothing. I phoned her up and cancelled it.

-What happens when he goes to meet her?

-That's a nuisance. I'll have to go and explain.

-Oh, that's a good idea(!) I'll come too.

-You can't. We've got that Snooper fellow coming at eight.

Then I'll explain to Mr Muffit and you can see Mr Snooper.

That wouldn't be fair. It's up to me to get him out of this mess.

-Well, I'll be seeing you.

-When? Sidney Bliss!

I'll fix you, Sidney Bliss.

Oh, hello! Of course I remember you! We last met at that wedding where I guarded the presents.

Yes, it was a pity about that. No, they never did find the bride. Such a nice girl, too.

I rang you because I want someone followed. MISTER Bliss, actually. My husband, yes, that's right.

Oh, well, if you'll describe him for me.

Rotten...cheating...lying ba... No! No, Mrs Bliss, a physical description if you please.

Yes...yes...

The general appearance of an ancient and dissipated walnut.

And he'll be at the Parkway Hotel cocktail bar at 7.30 this evening.

Right. You leave it to me, Mrs Bliss. Check. Roger, over and out.

No filming tonight, Sally? No, I'm meeting a photographer. More pin-ups, eh?

"Sally Martin, unknown star of stage, screen and television, with everything but her clothes(!)"

"Meeting you is the most exciting moment of my life, straight up."

-CLEARS THROAT

-Excuse me, but I'm from the Agency.

-Oh, yes. Hello.

Hello.

-Well?

-Muffit. Bertram Muffit.

Oh. How do you do, Mr Muffit?

Fine, thank you. It's the most exciting moment of my life meeting you straight up!

Really? Oh, well, it's nice to meet someone who knows who I am.

-They told me at the Agency.

-Don't go and spoil it.

-Would you do me a pleasure?

-What!?

-Of having a meal somewhere?

-It's really very sweet of you, but it's not really necessary.

-Isn't it?

Look, I don't have a lot of time, so let's go back to my place and get down to it, eh?

Some blokes have all the luck!

-Was a fella in here looking for a woman?

-We never get any others!

-Bertram Muffit?

-Yeah.

-He's just left with Miss Martin. Sally Martin.

-Oh.

-She's taken him to her place to get down to it.

-Pardon?

-That's what she said.

-Did she?

Well, this is it. I share with another girl, but don't worry, she's working this evening.

-It's very nice indeed.

-It's better than Regent's Park.

-Regent's Park?

-That's where I did it last time. On the bridge over the canal.

-Really?

-It was awful. And people kept stopping to watch.

-I'm not surprised.

I suppose so. Still, it's annoying.

Now, that's my bedroom and through there is the kitchen and bathroom. You'll want to go in there.

-No, thanks.

-Please yourself. Most blokes seem to want one in the bath.

-Certainly not!

-I've got this big sponge, you see, and a loofah. I'm sure you could do something with it.

-No, thank you.

-OK. Where would you like to start?

Really, I'm quite happy in here.

-Fine. You get ready and I'll get out of these clothes.

-Don't! There's no hurry, is there?

-I haven't got all night.

-I don't want all night. I mean... You're lovely as you are.

-In this?

-Really, I like it.

-It's very sweet of you to say so, but let's be sensible about this.

I'm not crazy about stripping off, but it's what people want these days. If they want it, let them have it.

TOOT

What do you think you're doing?

What are you playing about at? Everything's all right, Officer. I was looking for a man.

You better come with me. You don't understand...

Any shorter and they'll have two more cheeks to powder! Jacksie! Er, taxi!

-Rogerham Mansions.

-Watch your language, mate!

You deaf old twit! Go to that address as quick as you can.

Come back, you fool! 'Ere! Taxi!

Follow that cab.

OK, I'm ready.

-Don't look so worried. I'll take this off. Do you like it? It's Orloff.

-More like all-off!

-Where do you want me?

-Well, I really don't mind.

-You're the expert. How about on the bed?

-No!

-Well, where?

-Couldn't we just sit and talk?

-Sit and talk? What about?

-Anything. I didn't expect things to happen so quickly.

-Just a minute. Is this your first time?

-Yes.

-Oh, no! Don't say they've sent me a learner.

I know what to do. I've read books.

Well, I suppose everybody's got to start some time. So let's give it a try, eh?

-I bought this outfit this morning. I hope it shows enough.

-Yes, plenty.

Well, if it doesn't, just yell out. Now, how about lying on the rug to start with?

Throw me a cushion, can you?

-How's that?

-Wonderful.

Well, come on. Where is it?

-Where's what?

-Your camera.

-Oh, but I haven't got one.

-What's that in your case?

-That's my model aeroplanes.

-What!?

-I thought you'd like to see them.

-Why would I?

-They told me at the Agency that you make Christmas decorations from milk bottle tops.

-Christmas decorations out of milk bottle tops(?)

-It must be fun.

Oh, yes, it's really great fun(!) You really must try it. Who at the Agency told you all this?

The chap who runs it. Mr Bliss.

-"The Wedded Bliss Agency. This is to introduce Mr Bertram Muffin."

-It should be Muffit.

-You're not a photographer?

-I'm an undertaker's assistant.

-An under...? I'm sorry, Mr Muffin.

-Muffit.

-You've met the wrong person.

-You ARE Miss Crowfoot?

-No!

I was going to meet a man from the photo agency and I thought it was you.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. When I saw you, I thought... What an idiot! Excuse me.

-You don't have to go.

-Terribly sorry!

-Wait!

All right?

That's it. You can't go any further. Not without getting arrested!

-I said I never wanted to see you again!

-Help me!

-What's happened? You're all wet!

-I didn't know who else to turn to.

What have you been doing? Come in.

-Thank you...

-You're soaking! What have you been doing?

-I just couldn't face going through life without you...

-What?

-I tried to drown myself.

-Where? What in?

-The canal.

-What canal?

-What does it matter? They all have water, haven't they?

-That was silly. They're filthy!

-Who cares when you're gonna drown?

-Why didn't you?

-I forgot I can swim.

Come on. Get those wet things off.

No-one's ever tried to do away with themselves because of me before.

-I'm flattered.

-You should be. This suit cost me £30!

-I didn't really mean what I said.

-I just want to worship at your feet.

I've got better bits.

Have you wet your trousers?

Eh? Oh, yes. Well, I went in feet-first. And my shirt.

-Then we better have it off.

-You took the thought right out of my mind!

DOORBELL CHIMES

-Mr Snooper?

-That is correct.

-Come in. I'm sorry Mr Bliss can't be here. I'm Mrs Bliss. Do sit down.

-Thanks.

-You don't mind discussing your problems with a woman?

-Not at all. My mother was a woman.

-Really?

-I'm late because I waited until everyone was gone and the streets were clear.

-I wouldn't like to be seen coming here.

-You don't have to be embarrassed about coming here.

The mating instinct is in all of us. Everybody's doing it.

-And I spend half my time listening to how!

-I beg your pardon?

I am a marriage guidance counsellor.

And my superior feels it would be advantageous if I were married.

Oh, I understand.

But I find it hard to believe that anyone as cultured and distinguished-looking as yourself

-would have any difficulty finding a wife.

-That is very true.

I never needed one. My housekeeper caters for my every need.

About the house. Cooking, cleaning, and she does all the scrubbing.

So what you really want is a wife who can satisfy your superior.

No! He has his own wife.

Yes, of course. I'm sure we'll find someone suitable for you.

-A woman with charm and intelligence, who can grace your table and run your house efficiently.

-Yes.

And bring me a cup of tea in bed. I always fancy it in the morning.

-Really?

-Oh, yes. Gets the system going. I am a man of regular habits.

Once a week I dine at my club, once a week I play squash and so on. Everything in moderation.

-I think once a week is enough for anything, don't you?

-Precisely.

I'm sure we'll find someone suitable. And being a virile man, you'd like to have a child.

No, a fully-grown woman, I think!

Excuse me. I'd like to use the phone, if I may.

I'm awfully sorry to disturb you, but this is important.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry to trouble you, but would you have a sixpence for two threepenny bits?

By any chance?

Oh, thank you very much. Thank you.

Here's your receipt, Mr Snooper. We'll be in touch very soon regarding an introduction.

-Thank you. You look rather tired.

-It's a long day and Mr Bliss and I are always at it.

As long as it's not overwork.

PHONE RINGS

Wedded Bliss Agency. Ah, Mr Muffit.

Mrs Bliss, there seems to have been a mix-up. I met the wrong girl.

Yes.

No, I got the right place and time, but this girl thought I was someone else and I thought it was her.

We didn't find out until she'd got most of her clothes off.

I don't understand. Didn't Mr Bliss meet you at the bar? No?

Are you sure?

I see. Oh, yes, I think I know what he's doing, Mr Muffit.

You still want to meet Miss Crowfoot? Good.

Why don't you go to her flat? Yes, I'll give you the address.

Rogerham Mansions? Yes.

Dunham Road. Right.

Thank you, Mrs Bliss. Goodbye.

Esme! Esme!

-Feeling better?

-No. I might if I didn't have to look at that thing.

-He's gorgeous. That's Gripper.

-Griper(!)

-Gripper Burke. He's a wrestler.

-I thought he was a ballet dancer!

-He used to have quite a hold on me.

-Probably the Indian Death Lock!

-He went off to America.

-Like me - all out for a submission.

-Don't start that nonsense again!

-It's what makes the world go round.

-I've done my share. I'll let someone else have a go.

-Me! Come here.

-Don't!

-Sidney, not in your condition.

-I couldn't be in a better condition.

-No, Sidney.

-Come on. I really fancy you.

-No!

-Blimey! Why not?

-Because I am keeping myself.

-I don't wanna keep you.

-For the man I marry!

-It's a mistake.

-Why?

-It's like a car, innit?

-What is?

-When you want to use it, it's all rusted up.

Unless it has a regular service.

It's not that I don't want to... DOORBELL RINGS

-Don't answer it.

-It may be business.

-What do you think this is?

-I'll get rid of them.

BELL RINGS AGAIN

-Pussycat!

-Gripper!

Wh-wh-when did you get back?

Just now. I had enough of it over there. I missed you too much.

-Put me down! You're hurting me!

-Eh?

-Aaah! Ooh!

Nobody can say I don't fight fair. Esme, darling, I can't wait to get started with you again.

-Not tonight, Gripper, please.

-What? You haven't found somebody else?

-No, of course not. No.

-Seconds out, second round. Doing!

-No! No!

-Hah! Hah!

-No, Gripper, please!

-No! No, Gripper!

-Gotcha! My favourite hold, remember?

-It used to turn you to jelly!

-I don't feel like turning to jelly.

-We've got all night.

-I'm awfully tired.

-All right, then.

There. That's better. Let me tell you about my last fight.

Man Mountain Dawson, they call him.

Man Mountain(!) More like Ant Heap! He couldn't wrestle with his conscience!

Anyway, in the first round, he came out roaring and bellowing like some animal.

-It sounds fascinating. Go on.

-Those are men's clothes!

-You've got a bloke here!

-No!

-Where is he? I'll kill him! I'll tear him apart!

I told you there was no-one here.

-You think I'm daft?

-Yes.

-Eh?

-No!

-What were those clothes doing here?

-I was drying them off for someone.

Well, he'd better not come back or he'll find me waiting for him!

CLAP OF THUNDER

Oh, no!

-I haven't seen any other men since you went away.

-Honest?

-Yes.

DOORBELL RINGS

-Is this Miss Crowfoot's flat?

-Yeah. What about it?

-They said if I came here it would be all right.

-They did, did they?

-Mr Bliss said she'd be just what I'm looking for.

Oh, well, you'd better come in.

-Hello. I'm from the Agency.

-I don't know what you're on about.

-You're from the Agency?

-Yes. Muffit's the name. Bertram Muffit.

-What are you doing?

-I'll kill him!

-AAAAAH!

-Goodnight, Esme!

Hello. Is that the Wedded Bliss Agency? Good. I was trying to trace a Mr Bertram Muffit.

He's a client of yours. Yes.

What? What's he doing in a hospital? What!?

I love you, but not for this particular job.

Why not? No bristols! Adrian!

What do you mean? Sally, am I flat-chested? Am I?

- Turn around and let's see. - Ha-ha(!)

You never worried before. For this job they want melons!

All right. I don't care!

Do you know someone? Find your own melons!

Darling, you know I love you...

I'm sorry I was interrupted. Can you tell me which hospital he's in?

Thanks. Thanks a lot.

DOORBELL RINGS

Excuse me, but I saw an advert for someone to share a flat.

Oh, yes. Come in. Thank you.

There's two of us here, but we could use a third. It's about £5 a week each, OK?

Yes, as soon as I get a job. Oh, what do you do, then?

I was a stuffer. Pardon? Sausage meat.

In a sausage factory. Oh, yes. Putting it in.

Why did you give it up? I wanted to get away from home.

Would you like to see round?

Darling, I've gotta go! I wish I was dead.

This is Adrian. How do you do?

Where did you come from? Heaven?

No, Ful-ham. Fulham. Wonderful, beautiful Fulham.

What does he mean? Let me rest my mince pies. Phew, they are great!

What?

They ARE all yours? Don't be a fool!

- Right, get your gear off. - What? - Your clothes. I want a butcher's.

Who do you think I am!?

Adrian, she isn't a model!

What DO you do? I wouldn't tell him.

In fact, she's not working right now.

Oh? Well... you are now, my darling.

'Ere, what's supposed to be wrong with you?

-Me? Oh, nothing at all. Why?

-There must be something wrong.

-No, I'm fine.

He's over there. Thanks. I won't be long.

Aaow!

Oh, I say! I'm awfully sorry. I didn't... Gosh, you!

Yes. Well, nobody can accuse us of having dull meetings.

-How did you get here?

-The Agency told me where you were.

-Oh, I see.

Oh, excuse me.

I came to apologise for what happened in the flat that night.

You!? I behaved like an absolute clot!

-No, it was really all my fault. If I'd known who you were...

-Nonsense. Anyway, nothing happened.

What did you think when I took all my clothes off?

I felt a bit shaky when you asked where I wanted you.

-You should have seen your face when I lay on the rug and told you to get on with it.

-And I bolted!

-I just wanted to say sorry. I'll have to go now.

-Oh, no, wait. Could I see you when I get out?

-If you really want to.

-Oh, ra-ther! I'd like to see a lot more of you.

-There isn't much you haven't seen!

-No, I don't mean that.

-No, I know.

-If you'd like to give me a call...

-As soon as I get out.

-Fine. Bye.

-Oh...

-Yes?

Don't think I'm being nosy, but there's one thing I have to know.

-I don't have another girl.

-Do you really make model aeroplanes out of milk bottle tops?

-Yes.

Good. I'll start saving mine for you, then. Bye.

Look, mate, I couldn't help hearing, but is it really right, all that stuff?

-What?

-Her stripping off and laying on the rug.

-Oh, yes.

-And you turned and ran?

-Yes.

-And you say there's nothing wrong with you!

And the next, please.

Why, Mrs Bliss! What a pleasant surprise. Do come in and sit down.

What brings you here? And what can I do for you? Not a marital problem?

-Hardly. You see, I'm not married.

-Yes, of course. That would be...

-What!? You and Mr Bliss are living in sin?

-Not that either, unfortunately.

-I don't understand.

-For business reasons he thought it better if we appeared to be married.

We always had an understanding that we would marry. At least, I had.

-How long has this been going on?

-Ten years.

-Oh, how terrible! My dear Mrs Bliss...

-Miss Plummit, actually.

-Miss Plummit? Oh, how nice. You'd like me to talk to Mr Bliss?

Oh, no! I'd never marry him now! No, really, I came to talk about us.

-About us?

-I've been studying your case very carefully, Mr Snooper.

I'm the only one who comes anywhere near satisfying your requirements for a wife.

Oh, well, I don't know about that.

-I'm sure you'll agree that I'm not one of your flighty young women.

-Oh, no, not at all.

-As for sex, I'd like to make my position quite clear.

-Well, the position is half the battle!

I would run your home efficiently, preside over your table gracefully

and await any further demands hopefully.

That is a most generous offer, Miss Plummit.

I promise, Mr Snooper, you'll find me generous in all things.

-Yes, well, I'd like a little time to think about it.

-Of course.

I've been a bachelor so long, I may not be very satisfying as a husband.

-You know.

-I know.

-But with you I can't help feeling it might work.

Don't worry. If it didn't, we could always adopt a child.

What do you mean you're not coming in any more? Sophie, I need you!

What? That's nice, after all I've done for you! Listen...

Sophie? ..What's the matter with her?

-Mr Philpott, what can I do for you?

-You can give me my money back!

-What's up?

-What's up!?

-You sent me to see Jenny Grubb. How about that?

-Yeah, how about it?

A mouse! I've more sex in my little finger. Then it was Miss Adams. A cracker, you said.

-That's true.

-A good cook, you said.

-Yes.

-She had something cooking - in the oven!

-In the oven?

By my reckoning, for about 5 months.

Oh, my God!

-It's OK. I'm in the clear.

-I want my money!

Mistakes happen. I've got one for you. Esme Crowfoot...

-You know what you can do with her!

-I don't, actually.

-I'll go to the police!

-They'll never find you anyone.

-Fraud, that's what it is!

Now, steady on. Come and sit down.

-BELL CHIMES

-Come in!

-Just give me my money!

Oh, excuse me. Am I interrupting?

Not at all, Miss. Can I help you?

You can take my name off your list.

-You're on our books?

-Don't you remember me?

-No.

-Jenny Grubb.

-Jenny Grubb? I came round to your place for tea!

-Yes.

-And you weren't very impressed.

-No. Yes! It's just that you were dressed rather differently.

-That's my parents. They're an old-fashioned pair.

-They're a beautiful pair.

Just hang on. It's MY client. You want to come off our list. Are you fixed up with someone?

No, but I've got a job as a model, and a nice new flat to live in.

Let's go in here and talk about it.

-I've a modelling job in half an hour for a new kind of body stocking. I can't get out of it.

-I could!

-No, I must go.

-Here, let me give you a lift.

That's very kind of you. Thank you.

-Wait. You wanted your money back.

-Me? Why? You've done a splendid job.

-Have I?

-Splendid.

Grubb...Jenny Grubb.

"Miss Jenny Grubb. Age - 24 years. Hair - brownish. Eyes - didn't notice.

"Height - 5'6". Never had any." Eh? Oh, hobbies. That'll soon be changed.

-Well, this is it. All right?

-Mm, sexy.

-You'd say a lumber room was sexy!

-Only if I was rummaging through your odds and ends.

Have you got in here again?

Come on out! It's the porter's darn thing. It's always sneaking in.

Shoo, Cooking Fat! Shoo!

-Cooking Fat? They can't call it that.

-That's what it sounds like.

-Come and get comfy.

-Are you sure your flatmates won't be back?

-Not until after eleven.

-God, I really fancy you, Jenny.

-And I liked you from the start.

-Oh, let me get at you.

Oh! What am I sitting on?

-Aaw. They're not yours, surely?

-They're Gaye's. She is a FLAT-mate.

-Come here...

-Oh, steady on! There's plenty of time.

-And inclination!

-Terry, stop! What ARE you doing?

-I'm looking for the zip.

-You've got a sauce!

-Where is it?

-As if I'd tell you anyway!

It's on the other side.

-That's better.

-Ooh!

-What's up?

-You've got cold hands.

-Jenny...

-Oh, Terry!

Oh! Sorry, Jenny!

Sally, this is MY night. Wednesday.

I know. I'm going out as soon as I find my blue sweater.

-Have you had it?

-Not yet.

If you must go on looking for it, would you please put something on?

Sorry(!) But I must find it. I bet Gaye's had it again!

Shall I close the door? Yes, please!

-Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.

-Not at all. Good job she wasn't looking for her pants. Or was it?

-Oh, Terry...

-Oh, Jenny...

UNDOES HER ZIP

-I found it!

-Hooray(!)

-ZIP GOES UP

Sorry. I won't bother you any more. Want me to close the door?

BOTH: YES!

-Oh, Terry, I'm so sorry.

-Don't mention it, don't mention it.

You are sweet.

-Oh, Jenny...

-Oh, Terry...

Blimey!

- Men! I've had them up to here! - Gaye, what are you doing here?

It's MY flat! But MY night.

Oh, I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand Adrian any longer.

Gaye, I have a friend here. Don't worry. I'm off to bed.

-I'd hate to be here if it wasn't your night!

-Oh, Terry...

-Oh, Jenny...

-Give me a number between one and ten.

-Seven.

-You lose. Get your clothes off.

DOORBELL RINGS

- Tell Bertie I won't be a minute. - Do it yourself. I'm busy. BELL RINGS AGAIN

If that's Adrian, tell him to go to hell!

BELL RINGS AGAIN

Oh, I could scream!

Right, where is that cow?

-She doesn't want to see you. And I'M entertaining. How do you do?

-Hello(!)

Open up! Adrian!

That is a cupboard! Oh. Sorry.

Open up! I wanna talk to you!

-I'll stay all night if I have to!

-I knew it(!)

Well, what is it? I can't exist without you.

What about those other models? They mean nothing to me! You know that.

-Oh, Terry...

-Aaah!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-Oh, good, company(!)

I'm fed up! I might as well be at home.

-Yes?

-Hello, Jenny. Is Sally ready?

-No, but do come in(!)

-Thank you.

-Oh, hello. Sorry to barge in. Do go on with what you were doing.

-Chance would be a fine thing(!)

-Quite a nice evening.

-Charming(!)

-I thought it would rain.

-Really?

-Yes. We'll probably get it tonight.

-We'll be bloody lucky if we do!

-Hello, Bertie. Sorry to have kept you waiting.

-That's all right.

-Well, what are we going to do?

-I brought some tops to make planes.

I don't think that's a good idea. Not tonight.

All right, then I shall kill myself!

I mean it! No, Adrian, don't! I shall shoot myself!

Maybe we'll get some peace!

Goodbye! Stop him, somebody!

Take cover!

-Boo!

-AAH!

-Aren't you tired following me?

-Excuse, gentle sahib. Me no spoke very good English.

-A Bombay Bond(!)

Ha-ha! Fooled him that time!

15.02 - suspect left Cock Inn...saloon bar.

Proceeded back to office.

-You're back!

-Only to clear my desk.

-Surely you're not still suspicious?

-I no longer care.

-How about dinner tonight? Like old times.

-Old TIME. Even then, I paid!

-So it's my turn.

-I'm having dinner with Mr Snooper.

-I hope you have your tin drawers on.

Mr Snooper and I are to be married.

You know nothing about the bloke!

-He's a gentleman.

-There you are(!)

-Have you an alternative suggestion?

Yes. Stay with me. It's been all right.

-Goodbye!

-Wait, don't leave me! I'll be lost without you. You know I need a woman.

Then put the details on a card and stick it in your computer!

All right, go! See if I care!

Marvellous, innit? Give a woman the best years of your life!

Snooper... What's he got, anyway?

"Snooper, Percival" - Percival(!)

"Age 43. Handsome, well-mannered, sexually backward." Doesn't know if he's coming or going!

"Hobbies: reading, walking and poking...around antique shops.

"Occupation: marriage guidance counsellor."

Time I did some marriage guiding myself.

-Esme?

-Sidney? You've got a nerve!

-Could you do me a small favour? No, not that! Could you meet me tonight?

-No. I'm engaged to Gripper.

Congratulations. I wouldn't bother you unless it was really desperate.

As long as you promise to behave.

Meet me at the Parkway Hotel at 8. And wear your sexiest see-through.

-Why?

-Just because I can't touch, doesn't mean I can't look!

See you then. Ta-ra!

-DOORBELL RINGS

-I'll go. This is the lady I was expecting.

-Very good, sir.

Ah, Miss Plummit! How nice to see you.

This is Miss Dempsey, my faithful OLD housekeeper.

Mr Snooper has told me how well you look after him.

-I've always done my best.

-I'd be lost without her.

-I hope you stay on after Percival and I are married.

Married?

-What on earth's up with her?

-She's in love with you.

-In love!?

-You must have felt it on occasions.

-Certainly not! No! I've never laid a finger on her.

Do you care for a glass of sherry?

Throw me aside like an old worn-out slipper! After all the years I've slaved for him!

If I can't have him, nobody else is!

Ah! I always knew it would come in useful one day.

It's a delightful house, Percival. I shall be very happy here.

-I think you'll like the first floor front as your bedroom.

-We won't be sleeping together?

Good gracious, no! Why should we with a house as large as this?

But it's a wife's duty to be close to her husband, warm and comforting.

-Oh, don't worry. I've got the electric blanket.

-How nice(!)

-And if we shared a bed, we might be tempted by carnal pursuits!

-Rather, yes!

-And we don't want any of that nonsense, do we?

-You're very strong-willed.

-But it's a temptation I would find very hard to avoid.

-Do as I do!

Cold bath in the morning and a good dose of salts at night. Cheers!

Cheers(!)

I must make a quick call. Pay the cab.

PHONE RINGS

Hello?

-Hold on. Gripper, it's for you.

-Oh, excuse me.

-A pleasure.

-'Ello. Gripper Burke 'ere.

-This is a friend.

-An over-sexed nut named Snooper has lured your fiancee into his house.

-What? Where?

Bulstrode Avenue. Number 45. If I was you, I'd get my skates on.

-You'll find this wine amusing.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-That'll be Miss Dempsey. Come in.

Miss Dempsey!

-Miss Dempsey!

-What is it, love? I mean, sir.

-Nothing. Nothing at all.

-I'll have mine in the kitchen and leave you two alone. It's only fair.

-You always eat there!

Oh, that's right. I always eat in the kitchen. Sorry, love.

Well, I'll be leaving you now. Will you want your electric blanket switched on tonight?

-Of course.

-Well, we don't always like it, do we? I mean, do you? Oh, what have I said?

I wouldn't like you to get any ideas about me and Percy. Mr Snooper.

He's always behaved like the perfect gent with me, except when we...you know.

-I'm sure he has(!)

-Miss Dempsey, I've always been good to you.

-Oh, you have, love. Sir.

He has too. More than good. Always gives me a little present after... After I've done something nice.

-Miss Dempsey!

-I better go before I say something I shouldn't!

The woman's demented! Sophia, surely you can't believe that?

Well, I realise Miss Dempsey may be upset by our marriage announcement, but there's no smoke without fire.

And a fire must be properly laid.

I mean...

-That'll do it.

-Eh?

-When you're inside, lay it on thick.

-I can't.

-Sophie will know you're not after me.

-OK, just don't blame me.

That's a good girl. Come on.

Very well. I accept that there is nothing between you. She'll have to go.

She has security and comfort here! She'd never get it anywhere else!

Well, she's not getting it here!

-It's your choice - her or me.

-Oh, very well, then.

-KNOCK AT DOOR

-That's settled.

-Come in.

-There's a woman here to see you.

-What woman?

-Just tell him "Pussycat", she said.

-Pussycat? I don't know any Pussycat.

She's waiting in the drawing-room.

She must have got the wrong house. Um...excuse me.

-Madam, I think...

-Oh, Percival! I had to come! I can't bear it any longer without you!

-Control yourself!

-How can I, after all we've been to each other?

-You've never shown any control where I'm concerned!

-What?

-I need you! The nights have been so empty!

Just love me occasionally!

Madam, please keep your voice down! You can be heard all over the house.

I don't know who you are or... OOOH! What are you doing?

-I want you to take me! I'm yours! Take me!

-I don't want you! Stop it at once!

-You've found someone else! I can feel it!

-Well, stop feeling it!

Percival, how could you desert me? What's to become of me and the baby?

Baby!? I don't know any babies!

-You'll always be mine!

-Help! Miss Dempsey! AAAH!

Oh, no!

You - Esme Crowfoot!

You filthy depraved beast!

No, Sophia, please come back!

-Get off!

-You don't need her! You've got me!

Bingo!

Where is she!? "Pussycat" is in there(!)

AAAH!

You lousy swine! I'll kill ya!

-You're all mad!

-I'm mad, all right!

Take your hands off him, you great bully, you!

Why, Miss Dempsey!

Oh, ta...aaaah!

-Sophie, did you forget something?

-No, I was just thinking about what you said yesterday.

-You can't run the business without me.

-Aren't you getting married?

-No.

-Oh, I'm very glad to hear it. We're back in business. I'll go to the off-licence so we can celebrate.

Oh...

Lend us a... Thank you.

-Hello!

-Mr Bedsop... What are you doing here?

Actually, I thought it was time I gave you a report on Mr Bliss.

You're still following him? Sorry! I should have told you to stop.

-I think you'll want to know whom he was with last night.

-Oh, I'm sure...

-Last night?

-Oh, yes. He met a Miss Esme Crowfoot.

Really? Do go on, Mr Bedsop.

Sophie! Come and get it!

-Look - champers!

-Oh, very nice! May I crack it?

-Yes, go ahead.

-What did you do that for?

-You wretch! You rotten swine!

I know you sent that wretched woman into Mr Snooper's last night!

-I did it because I don't want to lose you.

-Well, you have!

-Wait. I want to marry you.

-What?

-Marry you.

That is, in time... All right! Next week, then.

-You heard that?

-I've got it down.

-You won't regret it, Sid, I promise.

-I know, darling.

-Why don't we have a booze-up and invite all the couples we brought together?

-That'll cost.

-So what?

-Charge them and we'll be in profit.

-Oh, I love you!

VIOLINIST PLAYS "Narcissus"

Ladies and gents, I realise our marriage has come as a shock to you,

but we're delighted to share today with you blissfully happy couples.

Just to see so many contented faces is reward in itself to us for all the trouble we've been to.

You have been dead lucky to benefit from our expert knowledge and advice.

So please drink to our health and happiness and your own. Cheers!

DUO PLAYS "For He's A Jolly Good Fellow"

-'Ere, that's it!

-What?

-That suit he's wearing. That's the one that was drying in your flat!

-Stop it, Gripper!

-So it was you! I'll blooming well kill you!

He's potty. Ignore him, Sophie.

-I'll deal with you later.

-You will, will you?

Don't you laugh, you little squirt!

How dare you, you old bag!

Keep 'em coming!

Subtitles by Greig Forbes BBC Scotland 1994