Drop Dead Gorgeous

This film contains some strong language.

RADIO: 'You can run but you can't hide from the Lord.'

'You can never judge a book...'

ANNOUNCER: Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.

Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent.

Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl.

She definitely knows you are ready for the ultimate in teen glamour.

The American Teen Princess pageant.

And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr Adam West.

The American Teen Princess pageant

has been enriching the lives of American-made girls since 1945.

The American Teen Princess pageant

provides personal growth, scholarship, travel,

and you might even meet a few celebrities. Yes!

At the national level, thousands of 17-year-old girls like you

compete in places like...

COMPUTER VOICE: ..'Mount Rose'...

..and make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama,

to compete for the title of American Teen Princess.

'So which one of you will it be?'

'Like sands through the hourglass,

so are the days of our lives.'

Iris, you taped your show over it.

I'm sorry.

TV OFF

Now ladies, the rest of the tape,

which has now gone for ever, goes on about starting that journey,

which we call the American Teen Princess pageant.

Any lady who'd like to start that journey,

come down and sign up.

And help yourself to coffee and bars.

Show time.

Would most people say teenage beauty pageants are a good idea?

I know what your city, no-bra-wearing women libbers might say.

A pageant is old fashioned and demeaning.

-Women dressing like men is sick.

-You betcha, Iris.

You'll find things different here in Mount Rose.

We're all God-fearing folk, every one of us.

You won't find a 'back room' in our video store.

That filth is left to the sin cities.

AKA Minneapolis, St Paul.

MUSIC: "Lost Picasso" - Hot Sauce Johnson

# Sitting on that bench

# Waiting cos I'm dead

# Going down, feeling like my life is almost over

# I don't know what to say

# Haven't made my way

# But I'm not gonna be a lost soldier... #

Oh, yeah, sure. Freda. Sure.

She was the oldest living Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail.

Them Shriners won't take down the sign, the lazy sons of bitches.

Every year I tell 'em,

"Take down the goddamn Freda sign, you lazy sons of bitches."

# I don't want to be a lost Picasso

# I'm doing my thing

# I don't want to be a lost Picasso...

We're going to the Mall of America

to buy outfits for the physical fitness number.

Nothing showy.

You betcha. We need a third judge.

And we need a theme.

Look out!

Darn it! Hello, Father Donigan. Sidewalks?

Iris, stop it. It's not his fault.

The communal wine was too tempting.

We Lutherans use grape Kool-Aid instead.

There's a space... No, it's a compact.

Shouldn't the Mall of America have the parking lot of America?

It's a 200 fine.

I said I'd move if a cripple came.

Let's just run in the store and pick some outfits.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I think I just thought of a theme.

Oh, what was it?

Proud To Be An American.

So, what was the theme last year?

That was Buy American.

And the year before?

USA is A-OK.

Can you remember the theme of your favourite pageant?

Can I?

Amer-I-Can.

People ask where I get this. Maybe it's a gift from God.

# I don't want to be a lost Picasso #

Introduce yourself and tell us why you're signing up for the pageant.

Hi. I'm Leslie Miller.

I'm signing up cos...

I always watch the pageants on TV,

and my boyfriend thinks I'll win.

For my talent, I'm doing ...

HE WHISPERS

Pat, I'm telling them about...

Hi, Pat. Go, Muskies. Whoo!

Hi. I'm Amber Atkins,

and I'm signing up cos, um...

my two favourite people in the world competed in pageants,

my mom and Diane Sawyer.

I hope I'll end up more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.

ROCK MUSIC

-Do you do any of the embalming?

-Oh, my God, no.

I just do hair and make-up.

I can practice my talent here.

SHE TAP DANCES.

Yeah, sure. Every pageant is special,

but this one is extra super-special to me.

When I was 17 - I don't know if you know this -

but I was, um, crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess.

And this year...

drum roll, please...

my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman,

is competing.

Is this my mark?

Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman,

and I think this is an important experience.

It... It teaches you what's important in life,

and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of.

GUNSHOTS

My mom gave me this on my 13th birthday.

I remember what was on the card - "Jesus loves winners."

So whatever I do, I aim to win.

Why? Well, er...

It's like asking, "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?", you know.

If you're 17 and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do.

Have you decided what your talent will be?

Yeah, I'm going to sing and dance...

to New York, New York.

I fell in love with the city last summer when I visited my brother.

He followed his dream to New York.

Mm, wait.

Here's Peter...as Liza.

Here's him as Madonna.

As Barbra.

I don't know what my talent will be yet.

-DOG BARKS

-Kenny. Kenny, come.

Come, Kenny. Oh, this is Kenny.

Spike, my German Shepherd,

he went to live on a farm after he attacked me.

But it wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket.

They remade my belly with skin from my butt.

I was Mount Rose's American Teen Princess in 1945.

We were at war with the Japs. Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara.

Had to turn it in for scrap.

So, we adopt Molly three year ago, when we come to America,

to help acclimate us to American.

To America, Dad.

THEY LAUGH

She all-American girl.

She all-American Teen Princess girl.

GIRL SPEAKS JAPANESE

English! Speak English, you stupid little retard.

So, Molly, tell the movie man what you talent do.

I'll be line dancing.

Country Western.

Clint Black. Oof!

Hey, what he got that I not got?

Have you decided on your talent yet?

Yeah. Erm... I'll be doing a dramatic monologue,

and right now I'm thinking, Othello or Soylent Green...

Well, my own version of it.

A lot of girls make the transition from pageants into acting.

'Competing for Minnesota's American Teen Princess title was exciting,

'but I never could've won without my... Saint Paul Pork Products.

'I've enjoyed Saint Paul Pork Products for years.

'I grew up next to these stockyards.

'It's still the same family-run business

'Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920,

'when they slaughtered their first pig.

'Mm-mm!

'I just love Saint Paul Pork Products.

'In fact, I love them so much, I work here now.'

Oh...help yourself.

Thanks.

You're welcome.

My talent will be an interpretive...

..dance...

while I sign...

Through The Eyes Of Love.

Yeah. Well, see...

I have a dream

of spreading sign language around the world.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Mom, would you be so kind?

MUSIC: "Through The Eyes Of Love"

Tammy Curry. I'm signing up for the pageant cos of the scholarships.

I'm captain of varsity soccer. I run track.

I'm president of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.

I love that one.

Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant?

You bet.

Maybe other people think I can't win, but they didn't think

I'd beat Becky Leeman for president of the gun club either, and I did.

Like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner.

"Nobody can stop me, but me."

EXPLOSION

ORGAN MUSIC

Everybody's doing really well, considering that she was so young.

It's hard to see the young ones called home,

and on an exploding thresher.

It's just so odd and gross.

Sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. SHE SNIFFS

But the show must go on.

I have to ask Ted if we can use his light. You watch the Jell-O salad.

-Are you signing up for the pageant?

-No way.

Look at that farm girl. Everyone says it's an accident.

She got iced because someone didn't want her to win.

It's like a roach motel.

Check in, but you don't check out.

And they say smoking's bad for you.

And tendu, close. Tendu, close.

Tendu, close. Tendu, close. Plier.

And repeat. Tendu...

Suck in the bellies. And tuck in the tushes.

Close those legs. You look like bow-legged cows.

Other side.

And tendu, close. Tendu, close.

Tendu, close, plier.

You picked a good year.

If I was a betting woman, I'd lay ten to one

it comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman.

Sweet Jesus, what a showdown this should be, if...

Ow! Oh, God. It's so embarrassing.

My winning the Mount Rose...

American Teen Princess Pageant...

really changed my life.

Amber does my hair...

once a week.

It's the least I can do for the reigning American Teen Princess.

God...

What?

Just a little snarl.

KNOCK ON DOOR

What? Oh, my God.

Lights, camera, and me without any make-up on.

What are you guys doing here?

What are you doing here?

Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary.

Who are you?

"Who are you?" Oh, Mary, you kill me.

She always says that.

It's a game we play every week - same dippy look on her face.

"Who are you?" Just like that.

It's me, Becky,

and I brought your favourites.

Real nice, Becky. She's anorexic.

She's skinny, Amber, not deaf.

ROCK MUSIC

Beyond this pageant, you must have certain dreams you aspire to.

Yeah. Yeah, I got dreams.

Sometimes I dream of winning.

I dream of getting out of Mount Rose

and being a big-time reporter like Diane Sawyer.

Guys get out all the time, for hockey scholarships,

or prison.

Yeah, 1963.

Her beauty worked against her

when she started out in Louisville.

Those were different times. COUGHING IN BACKGROUND

-That's my mom.

-Amber, did you get my smokes?

I'll get 'em in a sec.

Aw, shit.

They're from Los Angeles. They wanted to film me.

If they ask you to take your top off, get the money first.

And go get my smokes.

CHUCKLES

Hey. Hey, you like it? Open it.

Yeah, the globe. Pull the North Pole.

Honey, we're not a showroom.

This holds three bottles.

Tape deck comes out of Afghanistan.

-Lester...

-All right, all right.

-They forget where it all comes from.

-Taiwan.

Enough, young lady. Would you like a drink?

Impartial?

Outside, I am Gladys Leeman, civil servette, impartial as they come.

But I'm in my house now, in my wife apron and my mom hat.

So I can say that Rebecca is the most talented contestant we have ever had.

She's been singing and dancing for years.

She's damn near as good as...that little black guy with the glass eye,

-the Candy Man...the Jew.

-Sammy Davis Junior.

Nice one, Dad. He's dead.

Then it's the Judges' Interview.

Each girl has ten minutes with the judges, prior to the pageant.

Then we have the...

Hello, Tony.

"Hey" to the folks.

Gladys, the Judges' Interview.

So you've judged a lot of pageants?

No. No. No way. No.

Never judged one before in my life.

No way. Never been around young girls.

Even if I was, why would I want to be?

I don't get off on that.

That's why you're asking, right?

Did someone say something?

Do you judge every year?

No, I never judged before.

Hey, are we on "Cops?"

Shut up, Hank. It's business.

Ah! Mom said not in the head.

Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap.

I will if you shut your pie hole.

HE GIGGLES

MUFFLED SHOUTING

Don't make me kick ya where the good Lord...

Don't make me...

You want some of this?

-Are you excited?

-You bet.

More than when Hanky got acquitted.

I become a judge, then we get hired to paint the whole thing.

We'll use the money to get our mom a headstone,

and move her to the cemetery.

THUD!

If you see anything you like, you just let me know,

because I know the owner.

So, here we are. My place of business,

the world's largest Conestoga wagon.

Here we have a very attractive unit. Farmers like it.

OK, show time.

Hey, Tim, Carla, don't Jew me down too much on that dinette,

and I'll throw in a hutch for free.

That's my speciality - you don't pay less, I give you more.

Secret is, the hutch is included in the price.

Ain't that right, Jean?

Take a memo, sweetheart.

MUSIC: "Voices Of Spring" - Strauss

Six, seven...and one.

I'm just watching the young gir...contestants,

like the rest of my friends and neighbours.

Are you getting her?

Leave him alone. It's OK.

Oh, just a camera... I keep in the glove compartment for...

car accidents, insurance.

You guys got a camera. No-one's accusing you.

CRUNCH!

Brett, wanna go to the lake with me on Thursday?

Actually, I got practice.

Maybe Friday then. We were going to go cow tipping.

Er... Well... I'm kinda busy on Friday.

Hi.

Hi.

Give her your tray. You're holding up the line.

Er...

Give it to her.

I'll take it. It's my job.

No, it's all right. I got it.

You're supposed to put it in...

Oh, man.

You got some lutefisk in your hair.

Then it must be Wednesday.

Lutefisk is codfish

that's been salted and soaked in lye for a week.

It's best with lots of butter.

Er... I'm not really busy on Friday.

I was just saying that.

-I know.

-Well, er...

if you want to do something...

Yeah. Yeah, sure. You bet.

Oh, crap. I got to work at the funeral home. We're busy right now.

-Hunting season.

-Hunting season.

I'm cutting out early today for some duck hunting,

but maybe I could call you tonight.

Yeah, sure.

-All right, well, er...

-Fine.

-Bye.

-Bye.

BELL RINGS

Hey, Amber.

God, did Becky see you guys?

-You shouldn't be here.

-It's cool. Doreen gave us hairnets.

No, we shouldn't talk here.

Stop by my house tonight.

Go.

# Up every day at six

# Bacon and eggs to fix

# Four kids from one to four

# Pretty soon there'll be one more #

-They take out her butt?

-Jesus H Christ.

-Are we on Cops again?

-Be quiet.

-Hi.

-Hi.

It's just the guys making a movie about the pageant.

This here's Loretta.

I tell Annette, "Don't talk to me during my stories."

-You want a beer?

-No, thanks. Is Amber here?

She just went to the bone gardens. She's in a hell of a mood.

Been to the Leemans'?

If so, you got photos of the winner.

-Shut it.

-Christ, it's true.

Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win, is Amber.

She's the prettiest, the best tapper, the most smartest.

"Most smartest?" You're real educated.

Get a picture of that. "Most smartest."

I'm sending you home.

I'm bragging up your kid.

I know. Let's go.

Amber's going to be the next Diane Sawyer, you know.

Why do you think Becky will win?

Why? I - Ow, don't pinch.

They're the richest family here. It's news if one of them has a shit.

Oh, great.

Can one of you give me a ride home?

She lives two trailers down.

So? It'll be easy.

Go home, Loretta. The party's over.

TRUCK HORN BLASTS

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ on a cross.

Number one rule in a funeral home -

never sneak up on the living.

You never know who could be holding a skull saw.

Mr Larson's son learned the hard way. He's buried next to my grandpa.

SHE SIGHS

-Are you upset about Brett?

-Upset about Brett?

Nah. Hazard of the trade.

I don't really have time for guys anyway.

It's weird, though. He took it right between the eyes.

Don't often see that.

So Brett just got shot in the head.

He did? Well, hunting's dangerous.

So, anyway, my mom gave me this 30-aught for my 16th birthday.

I need Stella now.

The family say she's nothing like the photo.

I thought she might not want to look like a cheap whore.

This cheap whore is their mother.

The Clemmens said make him look like he was snowmobiling. Pink cheeks -

Red nose and ears, I know.

Sorry we couldn't talk in the cafeteria.

I was scared, OK?

I opened my locker today,

and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside.

This was on the back.

Oh, yeah. Hell of a way to go.

After thorough investigating, we determined that the Curry girl

must have been smoking and driving.

Yeah, Tammy liked to drive that thresher, but...

she said the vibration helped her think.

But Tammy only smoked after a good drive.

Ask anyone who isn't scared to talk about it. Tammy was murdered.

God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this.

Amber!

If it's another head wound, I need more caps.

There's an emergency at home.

That's my ma's code for "get milk and Luckys."

No. Loretta called. It's a fire.

Oh, my God.

Mom.

Mom? Mom!

Mom? Mom?

God, Mom! Mom!

Hey, hey! You family?

No, she's just screaming mom because she has Tourette's(!)

-Is Mom OK?

-She's alive. She's there.

Mom! I'll be following in the hearse.

Don't let that worry you, Annette.

So, Doctor, is this an unusual injury?

Oh, yeah. This was a doozy.

Right now, our chief concern is to stabilise Annette,

and then in surgery, remove this.

SHE GROANS

Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.

Ruined a new pair of Lee Press-Ons.

I sat down to have a beer... and ka-blewey.

Next thing I know, something blows through my window,

and I'm ass-up in somebody's flower bed.

'Asswipe, quit dicking around and put a book under the camera.'

'Don't say asswipe. Mom's window's open.

'There are only three minutes on the battery.'

-BOTH:

-'One, two, one, two, three...'

EXPLOSION

-BOTH:

-Shit!

I stuck your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out.

Find the guy who cut 'em off, so you can practise for the pageant.

Mom...

..about that...

Yeah.

I... Oh, my God.

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

She's pregnant.

Amber, wait. Come back. Mommy wants to talk to you.

And then kill you!

Annette, see if there's any beer left in that can, and relax.

-I'm quitting the pageant.

-You're what?!

For Christ's sake, the woman clung to your tap shoes

-while flying through the air.

-I know. I know.

Lil' Miss Sad Pants, and Serious Sally,

how about some mints to turn those frowns upside down?

Do you think a mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?

So, what do I say?

Simple. Just say,

"Mom, I know you sacrificed everything,

"relationships, dreams, your tummy, ass and thighs,

"all to bring me into this world so I could be in the pageant,

"but you know what? I'm quitting."

There. Easy as pie.

Oh, my God. I'm so dead.

You betcha.

Get out. Next one in here without a pack of Luckys dies.

You have a super day too.

Get out.

Mom, look, don't talk.

First of all, I'm not pregnant, OK?

I'm not letting go till you tell me what's up.

I am reaching the point where I would kill someone

for the nicotine under their nails.

OK. Erm...

Yesterday I got this picture...

so I'm thinking about, um... you know...

-I'm going to quit the pageant.

-What?

Oh. Would you excuse us for a moment? Go on.

Loretta, get out of here.

Mom, what's your problem?

My problem? Sit your ass down.

Nice mouth, Ma, but I'm not going through this again.

You're not going through it again?

You're not the one that feels like Jiffy Pop.

First Tammy, then Brett Clemmens, now this? It's scary.

Scary? I'll tell you scary. Look here.

You want to look like you've been rode hard and put away wet like me?

Best I can hope for is to end up in a raisin ranch where they change me.

Honest to God, if I had it to do over,

I'd start walking out of here the minute I could take my first step.

Practically the only thing I wouldn't do different is have you.

I hope that's you and not your concussion talking.

It's me. I just don't want this to be the thing that you'd do over.

This pageant's your ticket out of here.

And I know you can win.

Come here.

-Oh, I love you much.

-I love you much.

And you're gonna win. She's gonna win.

Ain't she gonna win, Loretta?

You bet.

No, she ain't quitting.

Mom said if I did, she'd marry my dad.

Has your dad's life been a secret?

I know he chose his career over us.

What did she use to say?

"Once a carnie, always a carnie."

Ma still cries when she sees a Tilt-A-Whirl.

The Atkins fire.

Foul play? Shit, no.

Investigations determined that it was bad wiring.

That's the biggest crock of shit I ever heard.

Ow! What, they had a sale on dull needles?

I just need one more do-over.

# Dream on, dream on, beauty queen

# The prettiest girl we've ever seen

# There's a story in our town

# Of the prettiest girl around

# Golden hair and eyes of blue

# How those eyes could flash at you #

Now,

remember, the three important parts

to give a good interview are...

OK, listen up. Number one...

Number one...

Teen Princesses do not cross their legs like streetwalkers.

Miss Penthouse '98, knees together. I could drive a boat show in there.

Ankles together, hands resting on your laps. Sit up straight. Smile.

All right. Number two - the judges are just as nervous as you are.

So, are you ready to start the judging, start the interview?

I guess I could answer that.

We're ready, so we should probably get the young girls in here.

To start the interview.

"If you... could be any tree in the woods...

"..what kind of tree would you be?"

Dogwood?

Bonsai.

Green?

I can be any tree you want. Just let me warm up.

Hmaaaaah...

One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose,

a solid Christian trunk,

and leafy branches to give shade

for handicapped kids on a hot day.

The retard's pants are open.

-SHE LAUGHS

-I don't... I don't want to see this.

Who'd you pick to be president, dead or alive?

Emperor Hirohito.

Brett Favre.

SHE CHANTS

My mother, cos she could solve world hunger

with one of her blue-ribbon rhubarb pies,

create world peace with one of her prayers,

and still look beautiful for my dad, Lester Leeman.

Do you like to swim?

Oh, I love to swim!

In New York, I met Greg Louganis at my brother's show.

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yeah.

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

The 'tard's pants are completely off.

-Close up shop, Hank. Close up shop.

-Har...

You Amber Atkins?

Yes, I am. Thank you. Hello.

Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order.

Seriously?

Erm, yup.

Erm...

Well, erm...

Alabama,

A-L-A-B-A-M-A.

Alaska,

A-L-A-S-K-A.

Erm....

Arizona,

A-R-I-Z-O-N-A.

West Virginia,

W-E-S-T V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A.

Wisconsin,

W-I-S-C-O-N-S-I-N.

Wyoming,

W-Y-O-M-I-N-G.

Well... OK.

With two weeks until the pageant,

I was practising my talent,

finishing my costume,

brushing up on current events,

and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories.

I was ready.

Girls, couple of things.

Gladys wants us to all go in show order today, all right?

So, very important. Don't forget that.

Oh, yeah...really nervous.

It's been about two months.

I haven't told my boyfriend yet.

How did you know?

I meant, nervous about the pageant.

Oh, nervous about the pageant. Yeah.

There are 8,000 sequins and 1,500 beads on this skirt alone.

My mom had Mrs Lopez make it, one of my father's Mejican workers.

He lifts them from their poverty in Mejico.

All my mom's clothes melted on to mine,

forming, like, this big polyester meteor.

But by some miracle, our neighbour found my costume

on the roof of their trailer.

Here's the weird part - it was still on the hanger.

This is my lucky bolt. It fell from a DC-10.

The doctor said I was lucky the flat side hit me,

cos it could have gone through my head.

I know, it gives me the willies too...

Amber...can we...switch numbers?

My cousin...just had a deaf baby,

and I get to go see it.

I need to go first.

Sure. Eight's my lucky number anyway.

Diane Sawyer was number eight at her local.

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

# I can see what's mine now

# Finding out what's true

# Since I

# Found you

# Looking through the

# Eyes of love... #

To be honest, this is a hard time for me,

because this is the time when you realise

that tomorrow night, all but one of these girls is going to be a loser.

It's hard for me to know what that would feel like. It can't feel good.

Oh, my God.

Don't touch her. Don't touch her.

Don't move the body. She could be paralysed.

Can someone call 911?

'Don't you get it?'

I was meant to go first. I was contestant number one.

That was meant for me.

If Janelle hadn't wanted to go first...

I owe my life to that deaf baby.

That was your mom. She wanted you to have this.

Really, Loretta?

You bet.

My mom wanted me to have this?

I thought it might help you sleep.

Loretta, never have kids.

God love you for thinking I could.

Your ma did want you to have this, since the other one's toast.

Oh, it's like Diane Sawyer's!

But smaller. Diane was a bit hippy.

-Not our girl.

-Oh, no.

# I'm gonna be number one

# I'm gonna be number one... #

Yeah.

Pain meds. Hope the show ends first.

We have excitement. Big excitement.

Go, Molly! Go.

Leslie's going to kick Teen Princess ass!

Go, Muskies!

# Tonight, I'm gonna be number one

# I'm gonna be number one #

APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my.

Is that for me

or my gown?

Thank you.

Welcome to the American Teen Princess Pageant.

While every contestant you'll meet here tonight is special and unique,

they all have one thing in common -

they are all proud to be an American.

MUSIC: "This Land Is Your Land" - The Boston Pops Orchestra

# This land is your land

# This land is my land

# From California

# To the New York island

# From the redwood forest... #

I chose Mount Rushmore,

because to live in a country where you can put faces on a mountain,

faces of Americans who did so much to make our country great,

well, that makes me, Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American.

I'm Lisa Swenson, and I am proud to be an American,

because living where Lady Liberty

keeps her flame burning bright...

She always keeps her flame...burning bright,

makes me proud to be an American.

The Washington Monument...

MAN'S VOICE: Yeah, baby!

..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be an American.

Living in a country where no matter who you are or where you're from,

you can grow up and become what you dream,

makes me, Amber Atkins, proud to be an American.

Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard,

proud to be an Asian-American.

My Uncle Bill's World's Largest Ball of Twine in Bundy, Minnesota,

it makes me proud that I'm American.

I kinda misunderstood the assignment.

Some notes from the dress rehearsal.

Gladys says a couple of you

are getting sexy with your hips.

God, my tap costume's gone.

Amber, forget your talent costume,

and put on your physical fitness outfit.

It was here before the opening number.

Wait, what am I saying?

I should just ask you, Becky.

Where is it?

What?

You heard. Where is it?

If you're getting at something, just say it.

I just did.

Then back it up cos you're talking crazy.

Bring on that snotty attitude. Bring it on!

As my mother says at dinner, come and get it.

I will. I might even take seconds.

I'll make sure it's hot!

Girls, girls!

You should go while they change.

-All right, let go.

-I hate her!

I know. We all do.

A big round of applause for last year's American Teen Princess

in her farewell performance.

Who could forget her lip-synching

to "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester?

And here she is, Mary Johanson.

APPLAUSE

# 'Don't Cry Out Loud'

-SHE LIP-SYNCHS:

-# Don't cry out loud

# Just keep it inside

# Learn how to hide your feelings

# Fly high and proud

# And if you should fall

# Remember you almost had it all #

Take the stepladders for the physical fitness number.

They're wet.

My hands are stuck.

I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes.

Keep them away from you so they don't get on the outfits.

Let's form a line. OK?

What kind of mental retard paints stepladders right before a pageant?

Here comes the judge. Here comes the judge.

Get back, you retard.

Go, Hank!

It's OK. My dress is fine.

FAINTLY: 'All right, so our other judges are

'Jean Kangas and John Dough.'

Opening number looked good,

solid, but now you're gonna have to actually dance.

So, dab this on, it'll help you smile.

If they're looking at your teeth, maybe they'll forget your feet.

MUSIC: "Conga" - Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga

# I know you can't control yourself any longer

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga

# I know you can't control yourself any longer

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga

# I know you can't control yourself any longer

# Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger

# Don't you fight it till you tried it, do that conga beat

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga #

HE CLAPS AND AUDIENCE GRADUALLY APPLAUDS

Hurry up.

OK, guys, I think we all got some. Just take it off.

Guys, don't go in the bathroom.

Tess blew chunks all over it. She ate a large dinner.

She should've had her lucky bolt for dessert.

And the Spirit Award goes to...

I'd like to take you back 17 years,

when a peanut farmer was president,

some boys called Queen topped the charts,

and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood,

and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess!

Thank you very much.

You know, 17 years ago,

I won the talent contest by sewing... these culottes.

Butterick pattern 7432.

And you know what? They still fit.

She had a big ass then too.

Our next contestant is ready. Tess Weinhaus.

It's just gone.

I mean, I just want to tap, you know?

I'm not saying I'm the best, or that I'll win.

But shouldn't I get a chance to compete?

The beagle is known for its howl.

SHE YOWLS

I wanted my mom to see me dance.

Amber, come here.

Please, I got so much Vaseline on, I'll be smiling all year.

Here, it's nothing special,

but your talent doesn't need to hide behind sequins.

Oh, Miss K! Oh, look.

But none can compare

to the greatest bark of all, the German Shepherd.

SHE BARKS DEEPLY

Go out and kick some Leeman ass.

Not so hard. Something snapped.

Roll over. Lay him flat.

Pin his shoulders,

to the mat.

Roll 'em over, lay 'em flat. Pin their shoulders to the mat.

Go... Muskies! Yeah!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Fade in.

The year - 2024.

Planet - Earth.

The question on everyone's mind -

what is Soylent Green?

Why are you pretending you don't know what's happening?

Amber, I'm sorry, but you know the rules.

All costumes must be OK'd by Gladys.

But doesn't your costume getting stolen overrule that?

I'm sorry. I don't make the rules.

This is bullshit.

That is not American Teen Princess language.

Good, cos this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant,

this is Nazi Germany!

Where do they get this stuff?

Mrs Leeman?

I'm wearing this tap costume.

I'm going to do my talent tonight.

Oh, really? I don't think so.

Amber...

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

but the rules state that a costume must be OK'd a week in advance.

And I couldn't let you wear that skimpy thing.

We have kids in the audience. You understand.

But it's not my fault. Please.

I didn't do anything wrong.

-MICHELLE:

-I know the truth, that's why I must say,

Soylent Green is people!

APPLAUSE

Now, that's my cue.

Oh, Amber!

# When you walk in the room

# You can hear a pin drop

# Keepin' rhythm like a well-made Swiss watch

# What kinda time did love tell?

# How do you what you do so well?

# Go-go boots and... #

CRYING: I just wanted to compete.

I can't believe this is happening.

I can't believe she said...

-Amber?

-What?

-Here.

-Here, what?

My jacket. Take it. I got my costume OK'd a month ago.

You can wear it. Put it on.

Lisa, you shouldn't do this.

They don't let you perform naked. I asked.

Shut up, you guys. Listen... Amber,

I'm not going to win, OK?

And a family only needs one Liza, and Peter's got better legs.

-Your parents'll kill you.

-Ah, come on.

I love them, but they only had me to give Peter a kidney.

APPLAUSE

Molly, thank you.

Now, it is with great pride,

that I introduce Contestant number six,

president of her class for two years, honour roll student,

and the new president of the Gun Club.

Ladies and gentlemen, Rebecca Ann Leeman.

You know what? The rumours are true.

I do have a special fellow in my life,

and if nobody minds,

I'd like to sing a song just for him.

-BARELY SINGS, OFF-KEY

-# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you...

Oh, shit.

# You'd be like heaven to touch

# I wanna hold you so much

# At long last love has arrived

# And I thank God I'm alive

# You're just too good to be true

# Can't take my eyes off of you

# I love you, baby

# And if it's quite all right

# I need you, baby

# Through all the lonely night

# I love you, baby

# Trust in me when I say... #

Lisa, come on, you're next.

Nah, I quit.

And since my costume was OK'd, I'm giving it to Amber.

# Love you, baby

# Let me love you

# Ba-da ba-da

# Ba-da da-da da

# Ba-da ba-da

# Ba-da da-da da #

Boy, I'd hate to follow that act.

The voice of an angel, that one.

Oh. I've just been notified

that Contestant number seven, Lisa Swenson, has dropped out.

I know, but these things happen,

and we still have one more contestant - number eight, Amber Atkins.

APPLAUSE

INSTRUMENTAL ROCK WITH STRONG BEAT

CHEERING

Thank you. Thank you.

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

OK. OK.

OK.

Well,

the time has finally come

where we say goodbye to the judges,

so that they can go off and make the toughest decision of their lives.

So, who gets the crown?

Well, we'll...compare scores and figure out a winner

cos we don't know who the winner is yet.

I have no idea who Jean picked, or Harold.

No idea.

I know who the winner is.

I know who it is. Harold, I know.

That's it. You shut your goddamn mouth, you...

You retard!

HE SHOUTS

Come on.

Back off, college boy. Now, listen.

Hanky can't help it if he's born crazy.

For fuck's sake, why didn't you leave him with a sitter?

HE CRIES

Nice, John. That's real nice.

You know the baby-sitter's dead.

So, anyone talk to Janelle lately?

I brought her some flowers today.

She's in the room next to my mom. She's super happy.

She's happy?

The blow to her head made her deaf.

-Isn't that great?

-Oh, that's great.

Yeah, she's so happy.

Jesus Christ, what are they doing? Letting the retard count the votes?

Ladies, it's time.

APPLAUSE

Welcome back, everybody, and judges.

Oh, gosh,

we are so darn close to that moment

we have all been waiting for.

Now, our second runner-up

and winner of a 50 scholarship for a vo-tech is...

..Leslie Miller.

You rule, Leslie!

Envelope, please.

Our next prize, a 75 scholarship

will be awarded to the first runner-up.

The first runner-up is...

..Amber Atkins.

And now, finally the moment

that I know I've been waiting for -

a scholarship of 500, from Leeman Furniture,

an all-expense paid trip

to compete for the title of Sarah Rose Cosmetics

Minnesota American Teen Princess...

Our new Mount Rose American Teen Princess is...

..contestant number...

You know what, it's my daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman!

Thank you.

# Here she is

# Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess

# Look at her

# Doesn't she look fine?

# Our heart swells big

# As we look at her

# Our Mount Rose

# American Teen Princess #

EVERYONE: One, two, three.

You got her there?

We was robbed.

They'll take her back.

-She almost fell out coming over.

-Good bungee cords.

Hey, I got second runner-up. I got second place.

-Third.

-Huh? No, I got... Bye.

Bye.

Are you disappointed about not winning?

Yeah, well, you know...

At least I got to compete, and my mom got to see me dance.

I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer.

Oh... Let's go home.

Come on. I'll let you drive, OK?

-I hope it was worth it.

-It was.

Amber should've won.

Peter never would have pulled that.

Well, you know what, Dad? Peter's gay.

Gay!!

What?

So, Becky, how does it feel?

Oh, well, I mean it's all happening so fast.

I'm so excited. I mean...

I won. I'm the winner.

And I'm going to State.

She's the winner, and we're going to State.

What a surprise. Gladys Leeman's going to State, and Nationals maybe.

How she's going to fix that one?

Are you ladies going to the parade?

No, I think I'm due or something.

MUSIC: "Fanfare For The Common Man" - Aaron Copland

Beautiful as a whore's ass today, huh?

Gladys had me get that special-made from Mejico in case Becky won.

I do a lot of business there. I always offer to pay in tacos.

They love that.

Let's get this straight - you made us late.

I want the big bag of little doughnuts.

-You get nothing, Hank.

-I want doughnuts.

The next time you drink window cleaner, I'm leaving it in you.

Harold, er...

Harold?

My pants are... Harold?

BAND PLAYS

Rebecca Ann Leeman,

you wanted this, now get up there.

I don't care if you have to ride it side-saddle. Move.

It smells funny, like gasoline.

-Things are like that in Mexico.

-My dress will reek.

You listen.

This thing cost your dad, so move it,

and show me some teeth.

Love you.

Stop it!

You are a bad kid.

Want some candy?

Amber, if I die from these fumes, you hide the hickeys on my neck, OK?

Oh, yeah.

-And the bite marks on my ears.

-Yeah, sure.

And it won't show, but on my inner thighs...

Yes, Leslie, OK.

Help! Hank! Help! Hank!

Help! Help! Help!

Hello!

I designed the float, you know,

and what's going to happen is that this is going to look

like a glistening lake beneath the swan.

Gladys, we need more bars!

This is... What? She can't do anything by herself.

Yeah, this is exactly how I pictured it, choking on swan gas.

WHOOSH!

Oh, great.

Oh, my God.

'Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, my God.'

Oh, crap. Oh, crap.

Oh, my baby.

Oh, my God, the swan ate my baby!

Baby...baby, get up!

We gotta go to State!

-OK. Here, now, let's go.

-Get up, Becky, baby!

Get off me, you cow!

What are you looking at?!

A town full of losers, that's what I'm looking at!

And you,

you piece of shit trailer trash, that should have been you in there!

I should have killed you when I had a chance! Just like your little friend.

Oh, Tammy was one crispy critter up on that thresher!

Ding! Fries are up.

Gladys, stop it. Stop it.

SIRENS

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Let go! It's Cops!

He sells reproductions. His furniture's as fake as my orgasms!

Hey, man, how're you?

Hey, Scott. You remember Bruce?

Bruce, that's Roy.

And that's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow,

we give you this woman,

whose dream of riding on a giant swan brought about her death.

Maybe it's your way of telling us

to buy American.

As acting president of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes,

it is my duty to make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

-What is wrong?

-I don't know.

-I didn't want to win like this.

-Stop.

You are a good person.

-Good things happen to good people.

-Really?

No, it's bullshit. You're lucky as hell, so enjoy it.

Let's get you a rootbeer float. You guys want some shots?

I never liked her, but she didn't deserve to die like that.

The whole thing's just kinda... sad and lame at the same time.

This came for you, sweetie.

It's from State. Oh, my God!

Open it up.

It's all the stuff I get to do.

Let's see.

Ooh, we get a personal consultation with a make-up artist!

Oh, there'll be a choreographer to the stars.

To the stars! Oh, gosh.

Oh, my God. No way. Oh, my God.

What? Spit it out, Amber.

We'll be staying overnight

at the Airport Howard Johnson!

Right by the airport!

God, that's so great!

Yeah! Oh, crap, I only got four days to practice. Let's go.

I'll call your mom.

All right, say, 'Airport Ho-Jo.'

Airport Ho-Jo.

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

Loretta, don't do that.

I've got to work with these people.

Let's go.

And you are...?

Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

Funny. You don't look dead.

OK, ladies, listen up.

I'm Colleen Douglas,

and this raven beauty on my right is Terry Macey.

And we're your Minnesota American Teen Princess state board.

And co-founders of the Minnesota Modelling Academy.

Applications are there,

and we will waive the fee if you list a friend and their address, OK?

You're cute.

Oh, you're married.

Catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present.

Open wide.

Got it first time. Come here.

You are cute.

Due to budgetary cuts...

And the Nationals not coughing up.

..you can't stay overnight.

So pay attention. You have eight hours till show time.

Remember to count, ladies. Arms up on eight. On the beat.

MUSIC: "Downtown" - Petula Clark

# When you're alone

# And life is making you lonely

# You can always go

# Downtown #

Come on, sell it.

Very nice. Figure eights, ladies.

I can sum up our entire philosophy

with this glass.

I can look at it and say, "It's half full",

which in the beauty pageant biz means, "Where's my waiter?"

-CHILDREN SHOUT

-Stop with the Marco Polo, or I'll rip your heads off!

Miss Burnsville, you're next.

I have a secret weapon of my own. Don't tell anybody.

I don't eat shellfish. Ma says, "If it carries its house around,

"it might not clean."

I've done about 35 pageants.

The most memorable was Miss Teen America 1995.

It was in Vegas. My roommate did Adam West.

She said he was so horny.

WOMAN SINGS OPERATIC ARIA

Oh, my God.

MUSIC: "Saturday Night's All right" - Elton John

I should just go home now.

OK, good. One suggestion, sweetie, hike up your skirt a bit, OK?

Next.

Oh, my God. I gotta go.

Do something about those nerves. People aren't going to wait for you.

That's true.

Get a bucket.

'Today, a pageant turned ugly.'

THEME FROM "SPACE ODYSSEY 2001"

Oh, for God's sake.

'A salmonella dysentery outbreak traced to shellfish

'was believed to be the cause.'

'Do you think they heard us?'

'Oh, for Christ's sake! Call an ambulance!'

'An ambulance? Call a priest!'

'With us is David Richardson, one of the crew filming the pageant.

'He was there when tragedy struck.'

'Fucking beauty queens blowing chunks everywhere.

'I've never seen anything like it, and I live in LA.

'Hey, Ed... That's our sound guy.'

'Can you tell us about the controversy? What about sabotage?'

'While we haven't ruled out sabotage

'from neighbouring state pageants, Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota...'

'That bitch from Wisconsin -'

'The important thing is we have a winner.'

-'The Minnesota Modelling Academy...'

-'And Sarah Rose Cosmetics present -'

'Amber Atkins.'

'The Minnesota American Teen Princess.'

'Amber Atkins from Mount Rose.'

'Amber, how do you feel?'

'Well, I feel like I need to take a shower.'

'Is this the best day of your life?'

'I wish my mom was here though.'

'You can wave hi.'

Hi, monkey.

'I got some.'

'Uh-huh. No, gosh, no.

'I still don't want to be on camera.

'I just want to say, that bitch better watch out at the Nationals,

'cos I am making friends here.

'Friends with friends on the outside.'

< Get off that phone!

'Gotta go.'

I can't believe it. I'm Minnesota American Teen Princess.

Our baby's going to Nationals. Alabama, look out.

I'm going on TV, just like Diane Sawyer.

Use your hand.

They said to practise.

I did it.

Ready? Here's the signal I'm going to give Mom when I'm on TV.

My little Carol Burnett.

Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen Princess,

and soon to be the next America's American Teen Princess, our Amber.

CHEERING

Go, Amber!

'So, after Frank dusts the crops,

'he's taking her to Lincoln, Alabama.'

CROWD CHANTS: Amber! Amber!

MUSIC: "Beautiful Dreamer" - Mandy Barnett

# Beautiful dreamer

# Wake unto me

# Starlight and dewdrops

# Are waiting for thee

# Beautiful dreamer

# Awake on my song

# List while I woo thee

# With soft melody

# Beautiful dreamer

# Awake

# Unto me #

MUSIC: "Love Is All Around" - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

# You can turn the world on with a smile

# You can take a nothing day

# And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile

# Once you go and you should know it

# Each word and every little movement you show it

# Love is all around

# No need to fake it

# You can never doubt

# Why don't you take it?

# You're gonna make it after all

# How will you make it on your own?

# This world is awfully big

# And all this time you're all alone...

GUNSHOTS

Come on out, you little blonde piece of trailer park trash!

# You're gonna make it after all

# You're gonna make it after all

'In the sixth hour of a shoot-out -'

GUNSHOT

'This is Amber Atkins live at the Food Shack for... KRLH News.

'Our reporter has just been shot. Paramedics are working on her.'

I'm Peter Aitchison.

And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZP News.

# You're the one most likely to succeed

# Just be sure you keep your head

# Cos girl, you know that's all you need

# Everyone around adores you

# Don't get robbed, the world is waiting for you

# Love is all around

# Don't need to waste it

# You can never doubt

# Why don't you take it?

# You're gonna make it after all #

MUSIC: "A Girl That's Hip" - Tim Carroll

# I want a girl I can take home to Mother... #

Subtitles by IMS

E-mail us at [email protected]