Drop Dead Gorgeous


Drop Dead Gorgeous

Black comedy. One overbearing mother is determined for her daughter to win a teen beauty pageant, even if it means killing off some of the other competitors. Kirsten Dunst stars.


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Transcript


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This film contains some strong language.

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RADIO: 'You can run but you can't hide from the Lord.'

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'You can never judge a book...'

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ANNOUNCER: Sarah Rose knows you're a beautiful person.

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Sarah Rose knows you have an unusual talent.

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Sarah Rose knows you're a teenage girl.

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She definitely knows you are ready for the ultimate in teen glamour.

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The American Teen Princess pageant.

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And now, a few words from last year's host, Mr Adam West.

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The American Teen Princess pageant

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has been enriching the lives of American-made girls since 1945.

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The American Teen Princess pageant

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provides personal growth, scholarship, travel,

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and you might even meet a few celebrities. Yes!

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At the national level, thousands of 17-year-old girls like you

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compete in places like...

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COMPUTER VOICE: ..'Mount Rose'...

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..and make it all the way here to Lincoln, Alabama,

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to compete for the title of American Teen Princess.

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'So which one of you will it be?'

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'Like sands through the hourglass,

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so are the days of our lives.'

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Iris, you taped your show over it.

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I'm sorry.

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TV OFF

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Now ladies, the rest of the tape,

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which has now gone for ever, goes on about starting that journey,

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which we call the American Teen Princess pageant.

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Any lady who'd like to start that journey,

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come down and sign up.

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And help yourself to coffee and bars.

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Show time.

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Would most people say teenage beauty pageants are a good idea?

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I know what your city, no-bra-wearing women libbers might say.

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A pageant is old fashioned and demeaning.

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-Women dressing like men is sick.

-You betcha, Iris.

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You'll find things different here in Mount Rose.

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We're all God-fearing folk, every one of us.

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You won't find a 'back room' in our video store.

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That filth is left to the sin cities.

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AKA Minneapolis, St Paul.

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MUSIC: "Lost Picasso" - Hot Sauce Johnson

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# Sitting on that bench

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# Waiting cos I'm dead

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# Going down, feeling like my life is almost over

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# I don't know what to say

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# Haven't made my way

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# But I'm not gonna be a lost soldier... #

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Oh, yeah, sure. Freda. Sure.

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She was the oldest living Lutheran. Now she's dead as a doornail.

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Them Shriners won't take down the sign, the lazy sons of bitches.

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Every year I tell 'em,

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"Take down the goddamn Freda sign, you lazy sons of bitches."

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# I don't want to be a lost Picasso

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# I'm doing my thing

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# I don't want to be a lost Picasso...

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We're going to the Mall of America

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to buy outfits for the physical fitness number.

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Nothing showy.

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You betcha. We need a third judge.

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And we need a theme.

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Look out!

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Darn it! Hello, Father Donigan. Sidewalks?

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Iris, stop it. It's not his fault.

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The communal wine was too tempting.

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We Lutherans use grape Kool-Aid instead.

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There's a space... No, it's a compact.

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Shouldn't the Mall of America have the parking lot of America?

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It's a 200 fine.

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I said I'd move if a cripple came.

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Let's just run in the store and pick some outfits.

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Wait, wait, wait, wait.

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I think I just thought of a theme.

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Oh, what was it?

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Proud To Be An American.

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So, what was the theme last year?

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That was Buy American.

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And the year before?

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USA is A-OK.

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Can you remember the theme of your favourite pageant?

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Can I?

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Amer-I-Can.

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People ask where I get this. Maybe it's a gift from God.

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# I don't want to be a lost Picasso #

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Introduce yourself and tell us why you're signing up for the pageant.

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Hi. I'm Leslie Miller.

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I'm signing up cos...

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I always watch the pageants on TV,

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and my boyfriend thinks I'll win.

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For my talent, I'm doing ...

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HE WHISPERS

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Pat, I'm telling them about...

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Hi, Pat. Go, Muskies. Whoo!

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Hi. I'm Amber Atkins,

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and I'm signing up cos, um...

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my two favourite people in the world competed in pageants,

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my mom and Diane Sawyer.

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I hope I'll end up more like Diane Sawyer than my mom.

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ROCK MUSIC

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-Do you do any of the embalming?

-Oh, my God, no.

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I just do hair and make-up.

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I can practice my talent here.

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SHE TAP DANCES.

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Yeah, sure. Every pageant is special,

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but this one is extra super-special to me.

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When I was 17 - I don't know if you know this -

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but I was, um, crowned Mount Rose's American Teen Princess.

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And this year...

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drum roll, please...

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my lovely daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman,

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is competing.

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Is this my mark?

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Hi, I'm Rebecca Leeman,

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and I think this is an important experience.

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It... It teaches you what's important in life,

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and it has the power to change you in ways you've never dreamed of.

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GUNSHOTS

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My mom gave me this on my 13th birthday.

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I remember what was on the card - "Jesus loves winners."

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So whatever I do, I aim to win.

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Why? Well, er...

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It's like asking, "Why do all the guys chew Copenhagen?", you know.

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If you're 17 and you're not a total fry, it's just what you do.

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Have you decided what your talent will be?

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Yeah, I'm going to sing and dance...

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to New York, New York.

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I fell in love with the city last summer when I visited my brother.

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He followed his dream to New York.

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Mm, wait.

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Here's Peter...as Liza.

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Here's him as Madonna.

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As Barbra.

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I don't know what my talent will be yet.

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-DOG BARKS

-Kenny. Kenny, come.

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Come, Kenny. Oh, this is Kenny.

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Spike, my German Shepherd,

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he went to live on a farm after he attacked me.

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But it wasn't his fault. I had beef jerky in my front pocket.

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They remade my belly with skin from my butt.

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I was Mount Rose's American Teen Princess in 1945.

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We were at war with the Japs. Didn't even get to keep my damn tiara.

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Had to turn it in for scrap.

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So, we adopt Molly three year ago, when we come to America,

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to help acclimate us to American.

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To America, Dad.

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THEY LAUGH

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She all-American girl.

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She all-American Teen Princess girl.

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GIRL SPEAKS JAPANESE

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English! Speak English, you stupid little retard.

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So, Molly, tell the movie man what you talent do.

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I'll be line dancing.

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Country Western.

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Clint Black. Oof!

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Hey, what he got that I not got?

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Have you decided on your talent yet?

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Yeah. Erm... I'll be doing a dramatic monologue,

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and right now I'm thinking, Othello or Soylent Green...

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Well, my own version of it.

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A lot of girls make the transition from pageants into acting.

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'Competing for Minnesota's American Teen Princess title was exciting,

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'but I never could've won without my... Saint Paul Pork Products.

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'I've enjoyed Saint Paul Pork Products for years.

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'I grew up next to these stockyards.

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'It's still the same family-run business

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'Walter and Vera Polarski started in 1920,

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'when they slaughtered their first pig.

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'Mm-mm!

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'I just love Saint Paul Pork Products.

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'In fact, I love them so much, I work here now.'

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Oh...help yourself.

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Thanks.

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You're welcome.

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My talent will be an interpretive...

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..dance...

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while I sign...

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Through The Eyes Of Love.

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Yeah. Well, see...

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I have a dream

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of spreading sign language around the world.

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SHE CLEARS THROAT

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Mom, would you be so kind?

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MUSIC: "Through The Eyes Of Love"

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Tammy Curry. I'm signing up for the pageant cos of the scholarships.

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I'm captain of varsity soccer. I run track.

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I'm president of the Lutheran Sisterhood Gun Club.

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I love that one.

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Would you say you have a good chance to win this pageant?

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You bet.

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Maybe other people think I can't win, but they didn't think

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I'd beat Becky Leeman for president of the gun club either, and I did.

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Like Anthony Robbins says, "I'm a winner.

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"Nobody can stop me, but me."

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EXPLOSION

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ORGAN MUSIC

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Everybody's doing really well, considering that she was so young.

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It's hard to see the young ones called home,

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and on an exploding thresher.

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It's just so odd and gross.

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Sometimes it's hard to understand God's great plan. SHE SNIFFS

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But the show must go on.

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I have to ask Ted if we can use his light. You watch the Jell-O salad.

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-Are you signing up for the pageant?

-No way.

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Look at that farm girl. Everyone says it's an accident.

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She got iced because someone didn't want her to win.

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It's like a roach motel.

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Check in, but you don't check out.

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And they say smoking's bad for you.

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And tendu, close. Tendu, close.

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Tendu, close. Tendu, close. Plier.

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And repeat. Tendu...

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Suck in the bellies. And tuck in the tushes.

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Close those legs. You look like bow-legged cows.

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Other side.

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And tendu, close. Tendu, close.

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Tendu, close, plier.

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You picked a good year.

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If I was a betting woman, I'd lay ten to one

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it comes down to Amber Atkins and Becky Leeman.

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Sweet Jesus, what a showdown this should be, if...

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Ow! Oh, God. It's so embarrassing.

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My winning the Mount Rose...

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American Teen Princess Pageant...

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really changed my life.

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Amber does my hair...

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once a week.

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It's the least I can do for the reigning American Teen Princess.

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God...

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What?

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Just a little snarl.

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KNOCK ON DOOR

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What? Oh, my God.

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Lights, camera, and me without any make-up on.

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What are you guys doing here?

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What are you doing here?

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Oh, Amber, like you're the only one who visits Mary.

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Who are you?

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"Who are you?" Oh, Mary, you kill me.

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She always says that.

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It's a game we play every week - same dippy look on her face.

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"Who are you?" Just like that.

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It's me, Becky,

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and I brought your favourites.

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Real nice, Becky. She's anorexic.

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She's skinny, Amber, not deaf.

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ROCK MUSIC

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Beyond this pageant, you must have certain dreams you aspire to.

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Yeah. Yeah, I got dreams.

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Sometimes I dream of winning.

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I dream of getting out of Mount Rose

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and being a big-time reporter like Diane Sawyer.

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Guys get out all the time, for hockey scholarships,

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or prison.

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Yeah, 1963.

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Her beauty worked against her

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when she started out in Louisville.

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Those were different times. COUGHING IN BACKGROUND

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-That's my mom.

-Amber, did you get my smokes?

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I'll get 'em in a sec.

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Aw, shit.

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They're from Los Angeles. They wanted to film me.

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If they ask you to take your top off, get the money first.

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And go get my smokes.

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CHUCKLES

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Hey. Hey, you like it? Open it.

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Yeah, the globe. Pull the North Pole.

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Honey, we're not a showroom.

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This holds three bottles.

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Tape deck comes out of Afghanistan.

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-Lester...

-All right, all right.

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-They forget where it all comes from.

-Taiwan.

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Enough, young lady. Would you like a drink?

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Impartial?

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Outside, I am Gladys Leeman, civil servette, impartial as they come.

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But I'm in my house now, in my wife apron and my mom hat.

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So I can say that Rebecca is the most talented contestant we have ever had.

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She's been singing and dancing for years.

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She's damn near as good as...that little black guy with the glass eye,

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-the Candy Man...the Jew.

-Sammy Davis Junior.

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Nice one, Dad. He's dead.

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Then it's the Judges' Interview.

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Each girl has ten minutes with the judges, prior to the pageant.

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Then we have the...

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Hello, Tony.

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"Hey" to the folks.

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Gladys, the Judges' Interview.

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So you've judged a lot of pageants?

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No. No. No way. No.

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Never judged one before in my life.

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No way. Never been around young girls.

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Even if I was, why would I want to be?

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I don't get off on that.

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That's why you're asking, right?

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Did someone say something?

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Do you judge every year?

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No, I never judged before.

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Hey, are we on "Cops?"

0:20:260:20:28

Shut up, Hank. It's business.

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Ah! Mom said not in the head.

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Mom's dead, so shut your fly trap.

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I will if you shut your pie hole.

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HE GIGGLES

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MUFFLED SHOUTING

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Don't make me kick ya where the good Lord...

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Don't make me...

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You want some of this?

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-Are you excited?

-You bet.

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More than when Hanky got acquitted.

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I become a judge, then we get hired to paint the whole thing.

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We'll use the money to get our mom a headstone,

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and move her to the cemetery.

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THUD!

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If you see anything you like, you just let me know,

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because I know the owner.

0:21:210:21:24

So, here we are. My place of business,

0:21:240:21:28

the world's largest Conestoga wagon.

0:21:280:21:31

Here we have a very attractive unit. Farmers like it.

0:21:310:21:35

OK, show time.

0:21:350:21:37

Hey, Tim, Carla, don't Jew me down too much on that dinette,

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and I'll throw in a hutch for free.

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That's my speciality - you don't pay less, I give you more.

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Secret is, the hutch is included in the price.

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Ain't that right, Jean?

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Take a memo, sweetheart.

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MUSIC: "Voices Of Spring" - Strauss

0:22:010:22:04

Six, seven...and one.

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I'm just watching the young gir...contestants,

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like the rest of my friends and neighbours.

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Are you getting her?

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Leave him alone. It's OK.

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Oh, just a camera... I keep in the glove compartment for...

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car accidents, insurance.

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You guys got a camera. No-one's accusing you.

0:22:580:23:02

CRUNCH!

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Brett, wanna go to the lake with me on Thursday?

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Actually, I got practice.

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Maybe Friday then. We were going to go cow tipping.

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Er... Well... I'm kinda busy on Friday.

0:23:300:23:33

Hi.

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Hi.

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Give her your tray. You're holding up the line.

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Er...

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Give it to her.

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I'll take it. It's my job.

0:23:530:23:54

No, it's all right. I got it.

0:23:550:23:58

You're supposed to put it in...

0:23:580:23:58

Oh, man.

0:24:050:24:07

You got some lutefisk in your hair.

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Then it must be Wednesday.

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Lutefisk is codfish

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that's been salted and soaked in lye for a week.

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It's best with lots of butter.

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Er... I'm not really busy on Friday.

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I was just saying that.

0:24:280:24:31

-I know.

-Well, er...

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if you want to do something...

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Yeah. Yeah, sure. You bet.

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Oh, crap. I got to work at the funeral home. We're busy right now.

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-Hunting season.

-Hunting season.

0:24:440:24:46

I'm cutting out early today for some duck hunting,

0:24:460:24:50

but maybe I could call you tonight.

0:24:500:24:55

Yeah, sure.

0:24:530:24:55

-All right, well, er...

-Fine.

0:24:550:24:58

-Bye.

-Bye.

0:24:580:25:00

BELL RINGS

0:25:010:25:03

Hey, Amber.

0:25:080:25:11

God, did Becky see you guys?

0:25:110:25:14

-You shouldn't be here.

-It's cool. Doreen gave us hairnets.

0:25:140:25:18

No, we shouldn't talk here.

0:25:180:25:21

Stop by my house tonight.

0:25:210:25:24

Go.

0:25:250:25:27

# Up every day at six

0:25:270:25:31

# Bacon and eggs to fix

0:25:310:25:34

# Four kids from one to four

0:25:340:25:38

# Pretty soon there'll be one more #

0:25:380:25:41

-They take out her butt?

-Jesus H Christ.

0:25:410:25:44

-Are we on Cops again?

-Be quiet.

0:25:440:25:47

-Hi.

-Hi.

0:25:470:25:49

It's just the guys making a movie about the pageant.

0:25:490:25:54

This here's Loretta.

0:25:540:25:59

I tell Annette, "Don't talk to me during my stories."

0:25:550:25:59

-You want a beer?

-No, thanks. Is Amber here?

0:25:590:26:03

She just went to the bone gardens. She's in a hell of a mood.

0:26:030:26:08

Been to the Leemans'?

0:26:080:26:11

If so, you got photos of the winner.

0:26:110:26:14

-Shut it.

-Christ, it's true.

0:26:140:26:16

Let's just say who should win, who deserves to win, is Amber.

0:26:180:26:23

She's the prettiest, the best tapper, the most smartest.

0:26:230:26:28

"Most smartest?" You're real educated.

0:26:280:26:31

Get a picture of that. "Most smartest."

0:26:310:26:35

I'm sending you home.

0:26:350:26:37

I'm bragging up your kid.

0:26:360:26:37

I know. Let's go.

0:26:390:26:45

Amber's going to be the next Diane Sawyer, you know.

0:26:400:26:45

Why do you think Becky will win?

0:26:450:26:50

Why? I - Ow, don't pinch.

0:26:470:26:50

They're the richest family here. It's news if one of them has a shit.

0:26:500:26:55

Oh, great.

0:26:550:26:57

Can one of you give me a ride home?

0:26:580:27:03

She lives two trailers down.

0:27:000:27:03

So? It'll be easy.

0:27:030:27:07

Go home, Loretta. The party's over.

0:27:040:27:07

TRUCK HORN BLASTS

0:27:070:27:09

Oh, my God! Jesus Christ on a cross.

0:27:160:27:19

Number one rule in a funeral home -

0:27:190:27:22

never sneak up on the living.

0:27:220:27:25

You never know who could be holding a skull saw.

0:27:250:27:29

Mr Larson's son learned the hard way. He's buried next to my grandpa.

0:27:290:27:34

SHE SIGHS

0:27:340:27:36

-Are you upset about Brett?

-Upset about Brett?

0:27:400:27:44

Nah. Hazard of the trade.

0:27:430:27:46

I don't really have time for guys anyway.

0:27:470:27:51

It's weird, though. He took it right between the eyes.

0:27:510:27:55

Don't often see that.

0:27:560:27:59

So Brett just got shot in the head.

0:27:590:28:02

He did? Well, hunting's dangerous.

0:28:020:28:05

So, anyway, my mom gave me this 30-aught for my 16th birthday.

0:28:050:28:11

I need Stella now.

0:28:150:28:17

The family say she's nothing like the photo.

0:28:170:28:21

I thought she might not want to look like a cheap whore.

0:28:210:28:26

This cheap whore is their mother.

0:28:260:28:28

The Clemmens said make him look like he was snowmobiling. Pink cheeks -

0:28:280:28:33

Red nose and ears, I know.

0:28:330:28:36

Sorry we couldn't talk in the cafeteria.

0:28:500:28:54

I was scared, OK?

0:28:540:28:56

I opened my locker today,

0:28:560:28:59

and there's a picture of Tammy Curry taped inside.

0:28:590:29:03

This was on the back.

0:29:040:29:06

Oh, yeah. Hell of a way to go.

0:29:080:29:11

After thorough investigating, we determined that the Curry girl

0:29:110:29:15

must have been smoking and driving.

0:29:150:29:19

Yeah, Tammy liked to drive that thresher, but...

0:29:190:29:23

she said the vibration helped her think.

0:29:230:29:27

But Tammy only smoked after a good drive.

0:29:260:29:30

Ask anyone who isn't scared to talk about it. Tammy was murdered.

0:29:300:29:35

God, I bet Diane Sawyer never had to deal with crap like this.

0:29:350:29:40

Amber!

0:29:400:29:45

If it's another head wound, I need more caps.

0:29:410:29:45

There's an emergency at home.

0:29:450:29:50

That's my ma's code for "get milk and Luckys."

0:29:470:29:50

No. Loretta called. It's a fire.

0:29:500:29:53

Oh, my God.

0:29:570:29:59

Mom.

0:30:000:30:02

Mom? Mom!

0:30:080:30:12

Mom? Mom?

0:30:130:30:15

God, Mom! Mom!

0:30:160:30:20

Hey, hey! You family?

0:30:170:30:20

No, she's just screaming mom because she has Tourette's(!)

0:30:200:30:25

-Is Mom OK?

-She's alive. She's there.

0:30:250:30:28

Mom! I'll be following in the hearse.

0:30:320:30:35

Don't let that worry you, Annette.

0:30:350:30:38

So, Doctor, is this an unusual injury?

0:30:480:30:52

Oh, yeah. This was a doozy.

0:30:520:30:55

Right now, our chief concern is to stabilise Annette,

0:30:540:30:59

and then in surgery, remove this.

0:30:590:31:02

SHE GROANS

0:31:020:31:04

Oh, Mom, it's so ugly.

0:31:040:31:09

Ruined a new pair of Lee Press-Ons.

0:31:060:31:09

I sat down to have a beer... and ka-blewey.

0:31:090:31:13

Next thing I know, something blows through my window,

0:31:130:31:17

and I'm ass-up in somebody's flower bed.

0:31:170:31:21

'Asswipe, quit dicking around and put a book under the camera.'

0:31:200:31:25

'Don't say asswipe. Mom's window's open.

0:31:250:31:29

'There are only three minutes on the battery.'

0:31:290:31:32

-BOTH:

-'One, two, one, two, three...'

0:31:320:31:36

EXPLOSION

0:31:340:31:36

-BOTH:

-Shit!

0:31:390:31:41

I stuck your tap shoes in my panties before I was blown out.

0:31:460:31:50

Find the guy who cut 'em off, so you can practise for the pageant.

0:31:500:31:55

Mom...

0:31:550:31:57

..about that...

0:31:590:32:01

Yeah.

0:32:000:32:01

I... Oh, my God.

0:32:030:32:06

Oh, Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

0:32:080:32:11

She's pregnant.

0:32:110:32:13

Amber, wait. Come back. Mommy wants to talk to you.

0:32:130:32:17

And then kill you!

0:32:170:32:24

Annette, see if there's any beer left in that can, and relax.

0:32:190:32:24

-I'm quitting the pageant.

-You're what?!

0:32:260:32:29

For Christ's sake, the woman clung to your tap shoes

0:32:290:32:34

-while flying through the air.

-I know. I know.

0:32:340:32:38

Lil' Miss Sad Pants, and Serious Sally,

0:32:380:32:41

how about some mints to turn those frowns upside down?

0:32:410:32:45

Do you think a mint would help if I shoved your head up your ass?

0:32:460:32:51

So, what do I say?

0:32:540:32:56

Simple. Just say,

0:32:560:32:59

"Mom, I know you sacrificed everything,

0:32:590:33:03

"relationships, dreams, your tummy, ass and thighs,

0:33:030:33:07

"all to bring me into this world so I could be in the pageant,

0:33:070:33:12

"but you know what? I'm quitting."

0:33:120:33:15

There. Easy as pie.

0:33:150:33:19

Oh, my God. I'm so dead.

0:33:160:33:19

You betcha.

0:33:190:33:21

Get out. Next one in here without a pack of Luckys dies.

0:33:210:33:25

You have a super day too.

0:33:250:33:28

Get out.

0:33:280:33:30

Mom, look, don't talk.

0:33:300:33:33

First of all, I'm not pregnant, OK?

0:33:330:33:36

I'm not letting go till you tell me what's up.

0:33:370:33:40

I am reaching the point where I would kill someone

0:33:400:33:44

for the nicotine under their nails.

0:33:440:33:47

OK. Erm...

0:33:470:33:49

Yesterday I got this picture...

0:33:490:33:52

so I'm thinking about, um... you know...

0:33:520:33:56

-I'm going to quit the pageant.

-What?

0:33:550:33:59

Oh. Would you excuse us for a moment? Go on.

0:33:590:34:03

Loretta, get out of here.

0:34:030:34:07

Mom, what's your problem?

0:34:040:34:07

My problem? Sit your ass down.

0:34:070:34:10

Nice mouth, Ma, but I'm not going through this again.

0:34:100:34:14

You're not going through it again?

0:34:140:34:17

You're not the one that feels like Jiffy Pop.

0:34:170:34:21

First Tammy, then Brett Clemmens, now this? It's scary.

0:34:210:34:25

Scary? I'll tell you scary. Look here.

0:34:250:34:29

You want to look like you've been rode hard and put away wet like me?

0:34:290:34:34

Best I can hope for is to end up in a raisin ranch where they change me.

0:34:340:34:39

Honest to God, if I had it to do over,

0:34:430:34:47

I'd start walking out of here the minute I could take my first step.

0:34:470:34:53

Practically the only thing I wouldn't do different is have you.

0:34:530:34:58

I hope that's you and not your concussion talking.

0:34:590:35:04

It's me. I just don't want this to be the thing that you'd do over.

0:35:040:35:09

This pageant's your ticket out of here.

0:35:090:35:13

And I know you can win.

0:35:120:35:15

Come here.

0:35:150:35:17

-Oh, I love you much.

-I love you much.

0:35:170:35:20

And you're gonna win. She's gonna win.

0:35:200:35:24

Ain't she gonna win, Loretta?

0:35:240:35:28

You bet.

0:35:260:35:28

No, she ain't quitting.

0:35:280:35:31

Mom said if I did, she'd marry my dad.

0:35:300:35:34

Has your dad's life been a secret?

0:35:340:35:39

I know he chose his career over us.

0:35:360:35:39

What did she use to say?

0:35:390:35:44

"Once a carnie, always a carnie."

0:35:410:35:44

Ma still cries when she sees a Tilt-A-Whirl.

0:35:440:35:48

The Atkins fire.

0:35:480:35:50

Foul play? Shit, no.

0:35:500:35:53

Investigations determined that it was bad wiring.

0:35:530:35:57

That's the biggest crock of shit I ever heard.

0:35:570:36:01

Ow! What, they had a sale on dull needles?

0:36:010:36:05

I just need one more do-over.

0:36:050:36:08

# Dream on, dream on, beauty queen

0:36:080:36:10

# The prettiest girl we've ever seen

0:36:100:36:13

# There's a story in our town

0:36:130:36:15

# Of the prettiest girl around

0:36:150:36:17

# Golden hair and eyes of blue

0:36:170:36:19

# How those eyes could flash at you #

0:36:190:36:22

Now,

0:36:240:36:26

remember, the three important parts

0:36:260:36:29

to give a good interview are...

0:36:290:36:34

OK, listen up. Number one...

0:36:310:36:34

Number one...

0:36:340:36:36

Teen Princesses do not cross their legs like streetwalkers.

0:36:360:36:40

Miss Penthouse '98, knees together. I could drive a boat show in there.

0:36:400:36:45

Ankles together, hands resting on your laps. Sit up straight. Smile.

0:36:450:36:51

All right. Number two - the judges are just as nervous as you are.

0:36:510:36:56

So, are you ready to start the judging, start the interview?

0:37:030:37:08

I guess I could answer that.

0:37:100:37:13

We're ready, so we should probably get the young girls in here.

0:37:130:37:18

To start the interview.

0:37:180:37:21

"If you... could be any tree in the woods...

0:37:210:37:25

"..what kind of tree would you be?"

0:37:270:37:30

Dogwood?

0:37:300:37:32

Bonsai.

0:37:320:37:34

Green?

0:37:340:37:35

I can be any tree you want. Just let me warm up.

0:37:350:37:39

Hmaaaaah...

0:37:390:37:41

One with strong roots in a community like Mount Rose,

0:37:440:37:49

a solid Christian trunk,

0:37:490:37:51

and leafy branches to give shade

0:37:510:37:54

for handicapped kids on a hot day.

0:37:540:37:57

The retard's pants are open.

0:37:570:38:00

-SHE LAUGHS

-I don't... I don't want to see this.

0:38:000:38:05

Who'd you pick to be president, dead or alive?

0:38:060:38:11

Emperor Hirohito.

0:38:080:38:11

Brett Favre.

0:38:110:38:13

SHE CHANTS

0:38:130:38:15

My mother, cos she could solve world hunger

0:38:200:38:23

with one of her blue-ribbon rhubarb pies,

0:38:230:38:27

create world peace with one of her prayers,

0:38:270:38:30

and still look beautiful for my dad, Lester Leeman.

0:38:300:38:34

Do you like to swim?

0:38:340:38:37

Oh, I love to swim!

0:38:370:38:39

In New York, I met Greg Louganis at my brother's show.

0:38:390:38:43

-SHE LAUGHS

-Yeah.

0:38:430:38:45

LAUGHTER CONTINUES

0:38:450:38:48

The 'tard's pants are completely off.

0:38:560:38:59

-Close up shop, Hank. Close up shop.

-Har...

0:39:010:39:06

You Amber Atkins?

0:39:050:39:10

Yes, I am. Thank you. Hello.

0:39:070:39:10

Name and spell all the United States in alphabetical order.

0:39:120:39:17

Seriously?

0:39:180:39:20

Erm, yup.

0:39:210:39:23

Erm...

0:39:230:39:25

Well, erm...

0:39:260:39:28

Alabama,

0:39:300:39:32

A-L-A-B-A-M-A.

0:39:320:39:35

Alaska,

0:39:350:39:37

A-L-A-S-K-A.

0:39:370:39:40

Erm....

0:39:400:39:42

Arizona,

0:39:430:39:45

A-R-I-Z-O-N-A.

0:39:450:39:49

West Virginia,

0:39:490:39:51

W-E-S-T V-I-R-G-I-N-I-A.

0:39:510:39:54

Wisconsin,

0:39:540:39:56

W-I-S-C-O-N-S-I-N.

0:39:560:40:00

Wyoming,

0:39:590:40:02

W-Y-O-M-I-N-G.

0:40:010:40:04

Well... OK.

0:40:080:40:10

With two weeks until the pageant,

0:40:140:40:18

I was practising my talent,

0:40:180:40:21

finishing my costume,

0:40:210:40:24

brushing up on current events,

0:40:240:40:27

and running 18 miles a day on about 400 calories.

0:40:270:40:32

I was ready.

0:40:330:40:36

Girls, couple of things.

0:40:470:40:50

Gladys wants us to all go in show order today, all right?

0:40:500:40:54

So, very important. Don't forget that.

0:40:540:40:57

Oh, yeah...really nervous.

0:40:590:41:02

It's been about two months.

0:41:030:41:05

I haven't told my boyfriend yet.

0:41:050:41:08

How did you know?

0:41:080:41:12

I meant, nervous about the pageant.

0:41:090:41:12

Oh, nervous about the pageant. Yeah.

0:41:120:41:17

There are 8,000 sequins and 1,500 beads on this skirt alone.

0:41:170:41:21

My mom had Mrs Lopez make it, one of my father's Mejican workers.

0:41:210:41:26

He lifts them from their poverty in Mejico.

0:41:260:41:31

All my mom's clothes melted on to mine,

0:41:310:41:34

forming, like, this big polyester meteor.

0:41:340:41:38

But by some miracle, our neighbour found my costume

0:41:380:41:42

on the roof of their trailer.

0:41:420:41:45

Here's the weird part - it was still on the hanger.

0:41:450:41:49

This is my lucky bolt. It fell from a DC-10.

0:41:500:41:54

The doctor said I was lucky the flat side hit me,

0:41:540:41:58

cos it could have gone through my head.

0:41:580:42:01

I know, it gives me the willies too...

0:42:010:42:04

Amber...can we...switch numbers?

0:42:040:42:09

My cousin...just had a deaf baby,

0:42:090:42:12

and I get to go see it.

0:42:120:42:15

I need to go first.

0:42:150:42:20

Sure. Eight's my lucky number anyway.

0:42:170:42:20

Diane Sawyer was number eight at her local.

0:42:200:42:23

-Thank you.

-You're welcome.

0:42:240:42:27

# I can see what's mine now

0:42:270:42:32

# Finding out what's true

0:42:330:42:38

# Since I

0:42:390:42:41

# Found you

0:42:410:42:44

# Looking through the

0:42:450:42:48

# Eyes of love... #

0:42:480:42:50

To be honest, this is a hard time for me,

0:42:520:42:55

because this is the time when you realise

0:42:550:42:59

that tomorrow night, all but one of these girls is going to be a loser.

0:42:590:43:04

It's hard for me to know what that would feel like. It can't feel good.

0:43:050:43:11

Oh, my God.

0:43:130:43:15

Don't touch her. Don't touch her.

0:43:150:43:18

Don't move the body. She could be paralysed.

0:43:190:43:23

Can someone call 911?

0:43:230:43:26

'Don't you get it?'

0:43:300:43:32

I was meant to go first. I was contestant number one.

0:43:320:43:36

That was meant for me.

0:43:360:43:39

If Janelle hadn't wanted to go first...

0:43:390:43:42

I owe my life to that deaf baby.

0:43:420:43:46

That was your mom. She wanted you to have this.

0:43:470:43:51

Really, Loretta?

0:43:540:43:59

You bet.

0:43:560:43:59

My mom wanted me to have this?

0:43:590:44:02

I thought it might help you sleep.

0:44:030:44:06

Loretta, never have kids.

0:44:060:44:08

God love you for thinking I could.

0:44:090:44:12

Your ma did want you to have this, since the other one's toast.

0:44:120:44:17

Oh, it's like Diane Sawyer's!

0:44:170:44:20

But smaller. Diane was a bit hippy.

0:44:200:44:23

-Not our girl.

-Oh, no.

0:44:230:44:26

# I'm gonna be number one

0:44:260:44:31

# I'm gonna be number one... #

0:44:310:44:34

Yeah.

0:44:340:44:39

Pain meds. Hope the show ends first.

0:44:350:44:39

We have excitement. Big excitement.

0:44:410:44:44

Go, Molly! Go.

0:44:440:44:47

Leslie's going to kick Teen Princess ass!

0:44:470:44:51

Go, Muskies!

0:44:510:44:53

# Tonight, I'm gonna be number one

0:44:580:45:01

# I'm gonna be number one #

0:45:010:45:06

APPLAUSE

0:45:160:45:20

Thank you. Thank you. Oh, my.

0:45:200:45:23

Is that for me

0:45:230:45:25

or my gown?

0:45:250:45:27

Thank you.

0:45:280:45:30

Welcome to the American Teen Princess Pageant.

0:45:320:45:35

While every contestant you'll meet here tonight is special and unique,

0:45:350:45:40

they all have one thing in common -

0:45:400:45:43

they are all proud to be an American.

0:45:430:45:48

MUSIC: "This Land Is Your Land" - The Boston Pops Orchestra

0:45:500:45:54

# This land is your land

0:46:150:46:17

# This land is my land

0:46:170:46:19

# From California

0:46:190:46:22

# To the New York island

0:46:220:46:24

# From the redwood forest... #

0:46:240:46:26

I chose Mount Rushmore,

0:46:260:46:29

because to live in a country where you can put faces on a mountain,

0:46:290:46:34

faces of Americans who did so much to make our country great,

0:46:340:46:38

well, that makes me, Rebecca Leeman, proud to be an American.

0:46:380:46:43

I'm Lisa Swenson, and I am proud to be an American,

0:46:430:46:47

because living where Lady Liberty

0:46:470:46:50

keeps her flame burning bright...

0:46:500:46:52

She always keeps her flame...burning bright,

0:46:530:46:57

makes me proud to be an American.

0:46:570:47:01

The Washington Monument...

0:47:010:47:05

MAN'S VOICE: Yeah, baby!

0:47:030:47:05

..makes me, Leslie Miller, proud to be an American.

0:47:050:47:09

Living in a country where no matter who you are or where you're from,

0:47:110:47:16

you can grow up and become what you dream,

0:47:160:47:19

makes me, Amber Atkins, proud to be an American.

0:47:190:47:23

Atomic power makes me, Molly Howard,

0:47:230:47:26

proud to be an Asian-American.

0:47:260:47:29

My Uncle Bill's World's Largest Ball of Twine in Bundy, Minnesota,

0:47:290:47:35

it makes me proud that I'm American.

0:47:350:47:38

I kinda misunderstood the assignment.

0:47:390:47:43

Some notes from the dress rehearsal.

0:47:440:47:47

Gladys says a couple of you

0:47:470:47:50

are getting sexy with your hips.

0:47:500:47:54

God, my tap costume's gone.

0:47:540:47:56

Amber, forget your talent costume,

0:47:560:47:59

and put on your physical fitness outfit.

0:47:590:48:03

It was here before the opening number.

0:48:030:48:06

Wait, what am I saying?

0:48:070:48:10

I should just ask you, Becky.

0:48:100:48:13

Where is it?

0:48:140:48:17

What?

0:48:150:48:17

You heard. Where is it?

0:48:170:48:19

If you're getting at something, just say it.

0:48:190:48:23

I just did.

0:48:230:48:25

Then back it up cos you're talking crazy.

0:48:250:48:29

Bring on that snotty attitude. Bring it on!

0:48:290:48:32

As my mother says at dinner, come and get it.

0:48:320:48:36

I will. I might even take seconds.

0:48:360:48:39

I'll make sure it's hot!

0:48:380:48:39

Girls, girls!

0:48:410:48:43

You should go while they change.

0:48:430:48:46

-All right, let go.

-I hate her!

0:48:460:48:49

I know. We all do.

0:48:490:48:52

A big round of applause for last year's American Teen Princess

0:48:520:48:56

in her farewell performance.

0:48:550:48:58

Who could forget her lip-synching

0:48:580:49:01

to "Don't Cry Out Loud" by Melissa Manchester?

0:49:010:49:04

And here she is, Mary Johanson.

0:49:040:49:07

APPLAUSE

0:49:070:49:09

# 'Don't Cry Out Loud'

0:49:100:49:13

-SHE LIP-SYNCHS:

-# Don't cry out loud

0:49:160:49:21

# Just keep it inside

0:49:210:49:24

# Learn how to hide your feelings

0:49:240:49:28

# Fly high and proud

0:49:280:49:33

# And if you should fall

0:49:330:49:36

# Remember you almost had it all #

0:49:360:49:43

Take the stepladders for the physical fitness number.

0:49:460:49:51

They're wet.

0:49:510:49:53

My hands are stuck.

0:49:520:49:53

I'm kinda dizzy from the fumes.

0:49:540:49:57

Keep them away from you so they don't get on the outfits.

0:49:570:50:01

Let's form a line. OK?

0:50:010:50:04

What kind of mental retard paints stepladders right before a pageant?

0:50:040:50:10

Here comes the judge. Here comes the judge.

0:50:090:50:13

Get back, you retard.

0:50:130:50:16

Go, Hank!

0:50:160:50:20

It's OK. My dress is fine.

0:50:170:50:20

FAINTLY: 'All right, so our other judges are

0:50:210:50:26

'Jean Kangas and John Dough.'

0:50:260:50:28

Opening number looked good,

0:50:280:50:31

solid, but now you're gonna have to actually dance.

0:50:310:50:36

So, dab this on, it'll help you smile.

0:50:360:50:39

If they're looking at your teeth, maybe they'll forget your feet.

0:50:390:50:44

MUSIC: "Conga" - Gloria Estefan and Miami Sound Machine

0:50:440:50:47

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga

0:50:520:50:53

# I know you can't control yourself any longer

0:50:530:50:56

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga

0:50:560:50:57

# I know you can't control yourself any longer

0:50:570:50:59

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga

0:51:100:51:12

# I know you can't control yourself any longer

0:51:120:51:14

# Feel the rhythm of the music getting stronger

0:51:140:51:16

# Don't you fight it till you tried it, do that conga beat

0:51:160:51:19

# Come on, shake your body, baby, do the conga #

0:51:480:51:50

HE CLAPS AND AUDIENCE GRADUALLY APPLAUDS

0:51:500:51:53

Hurry up.

0:52:010:52:03

OK, guys, I think we all got some. Just take it off.

0:52:030:52:07

Guys, don't go in the bathroom.

0:52:100:52:13

Tess blew chunks all over it. She ate a large dinner.

0:52:130:52:18

She should've had her lucky bolt for dessert.

0:52:180:52:21

And the Spirit Award goes to...

0:52:220:52:25

I'd like to take you back 17 years,

0:52:250:52:28

when a peanut farmer was president,

0:52:280:52:31

some boys called Queen topped the charts,

0:52:310:52:35

and Gladys Leeman was Gladys Wood,

0:52:350:52:38

and she was Mount Rose American Teen Princess!

0:52:380:52:43

Thank you very much.

0:52:490:52:52

You know, 17 years ago,

0:52:520:52:55

I won the talent contest by sewing... these culottes.

0:52:550:52:59

Butterick pattern 7432.

0:52:590:53:01

And you know what? They still fit.

0:53:010:53:07

She had a big ass then too.

0:53:040:53:07

Our next contestant is ready. Tess Weinhaus.

0:53:070:53:11

It's just gone.

0:53:160:53:18

I mean, I just want to tap, you know?

0:53:190:53:22

I'm not saying I'm the best, or that I'll win.

0:53:230:53:27

But shouldn't I get a chance to compete?

0:53:270:53:30

The beagle is known for its howl.

0:53:300:53:34

SHE YOWLS

0:53:350:53:38

I wanted my mom to see me dance.

0:53:380:53:43

Amber, come here.

0:53:400:53:43

Please, I got so much Vaseline on, I'll be smiling all year.

0:53:420:53:47

Here, it's nothing special,

0:53:460:53:49

but your talent doesn't need to hide behind sequins.

0:53:490:53:54

Oh, Miss K! Oh, look.

0:53:530:53:56

But none can compare

0:53:560:53:59

to the greatest bark of all, the German Shepherd.

0:53:590:54:03

SHE BARKS DEEPLY

0:54:030:54:06

Go out and kick some Leeman ass.

0:54:060:54:09

Not so hard. Something snapped.

0:54:100:54:13

Roll over. Lay him flat.

0:54:130:54:16

Pin his shoulders,

0:54:160:54:18

to the mat.

0:54:180:54:21

Roll 'em over, lay 'em flat. Pin their shoulders to the mat.

0:54:210:54:24

Go... Muskies! Yeah!

0:54:240:54:27

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

0:54:300:54:33

Fade in.

0:54:370:54:39

The year - 2024.

0:54:390:54:43

Planet - Earth.

0:54:430:54:46

The question on everyone's mind -

0:54:460:54:50

what is Soylent Green?

0:54:490:54:53

Why are you pretending you don't know what's happening?

0:54:580:55:02

Amber, I'm sorry, but you know the rules.

0:55:020:55:06

All costumes must be OK'd by Gladys.

0:55:060:55:09

But doesn't your costume getting stolen overrule that?

0:55:090:55:13

I'm sorry. I don't make the rules.

0:55:130:55:17

This is bullshit.

0:55:140:55:17

That is not American Teen Princess language.

0:55:170:55:21

Good, cos this isn't an American Teen Princess Pageant,

0:55:210:55:25

this is Nazi Germany!

0:55:250:55:28

Where do they get this stuff?

0:55:300:55:33

Mrs Leeman?

0:55:370:55:40

I'm wearing this tap costume.

0:55:400:55:42

I'm going to do my talent tonight.

0:55:420:55:48

Oh, really? I don't think so.

0:55:450:55:48

Amber...

0:55:480:55:50

I hate to be the bearer of bad news,

0:55:500:55:53

but the rules state that a costume must be OK'd a week in advance.

0:55:530:55:58

And I couldn't let you wear that skimpy thing.

0:55:580:56:02

We have kids in the audience. You understand.

0:56:020:56:05

But it's not my fault. Please.

0:56:050:56:08

I didn't do anything wrong.

0:56:080:56:11

-MICHELLE:

-I know the truth, that's why I must say,

0:56:110:56:15

Soylent Green is people!

0:56:150:56:19

APPLAUSE

0:56:200:56:22

Now, that's my cue.

0:56:220:56:25

Oh, Amber!

0:56:390:56:41

# When you walk in the room

0:56:440:56:48

# You can hear a pin drop

0:56:470:56:49

# Keepin' rhythm like a well-made Swiss watch

0:56:500:56:54

# What kinda time did love tell?

0:56:540:56:57

# How do you what you do so well?

0:56:570:57:01

# Go-go boots and... #

0:57:010:57:03

CRYING: I just wanted to compete.

0:57:030:57:06

I can't believe this is happening.

0:57:060:57:09

I can't believe she said...

0:57:100:57:13

-Amber?

-What?

0:57:180:57:20

-Here.

-Here, what?

0:57:210:57:23

My jacket. Take it. I got my costume OK'd a month ago.

0:57:230:57:28

You can wear it. Put it on.

0:57:280:57:32

Lisa, you shouldn't do this.

0:57:290:57:32

They don't let you perform naked. I asked.

0:57:320:57:35

Shut up, you guys. Listen... Amber,

0:57:350:57:38

I'm not going to win, OK?

0:57:390:57:42

And a family only needs one Liza, and Peter's got better legs.

0:57:420:57:47

-Your parents'll kill you.

-Ah, come on.

0:57:470:57:50

I love them, but they only had me to give Peter a kidney.

0:57:500:57:55

APPLAUSE

0:57:550:57:58

Molly, thank you.

0:57:590:58:01

Now, it is with great pride,

0:58:040:58:07

that I introduce Contestant number six,

0:58:070:58:10

president of her class for two years, honour roll student,

0:58:100:58:14

and the new president of the Gun Club.

0:58:140:58:18

Ladies and gentlemen, Rebecca Ann Leeman.

0:58:180:58:21

You know what? The rumours are true.

0:58:290:58:32

I do have a special fellow in my life,

0:58:330:58:36

and if nobody minds,

0:58:370:58:40

I'd like to sing a song just for him.

0:58:390:58:43

-BARELY SINGS, OFF-KEY

-# You're just too good to be true

0:58:460:58:52

# Can't take my eyes off of you...

0:58:520:58:54

Oh, shit.

0:58:540:58:57

# You'd be like heaven to touch

0:58:570:59:01

# I wanna hold you so much

0:59:010:59:03

# At long last love has arrived

0:59:050:59:10

# And I thank God I'm alive

0:59:100:59:14

# You're just too good to be true

0:59:150:59:19

# Can't take my eyes off of you

0:59:190:59:23

# I love you, baby

0:59:240:59:27

# And if it's quite all right

0:59:270:59:29

# I need you, baby

0:59:290:59:31

# Through all the lonely night

0:59:310:59:33

# I love you, baby

0:59:330:59:35

# Trust in me when I say... #

0:59:350:59:37

Lisa, come on, you're next.

0:59:370:59:41

Nah, I quit.

0:59:390:59:41

And since my costume was OK'd, I'm giving it to Amber.

0:59:410:59:45

# Love you, baby

0:59:490:59:51

# Let me love you

0:59:510:59:54

# Ba-da ba-da

0:59:560:59:58

# Ba-da da-da da

0:59:581:00:00

# Ba-da ba-da

1:00:001:00:01

# Ba-da da-da da #

1:00:011:00:03

Boy, I'd hate to follow that act.

1:00:081:00:11

The voice of an angel, that one.

1:00:111:00:14

Oh. I've just been notified

1:00:171:00:20

that Contestant number seven, Lisa Swenson, has dropped out.

1:00:201:00:25

I know, but these things happen,

1:00:261:00:29

and we still have one more contestant - number eight, Amber Atkins.

1:00:291:00:35

APPLAUSE

1:00:361:00:39

INSTRUMENTAL ROCK WITH STRONG BEAT

1:00:571:01:00

CHEERING

1:01:561:01:58

Thank you. Thank you.

1:02:051:02:07

APPLAUSE CONTINUES

1:02:111:02:14

OK. OK.

1:02:141:02:17

OK.

1:02:181:02:20

Well,

1:02:201:02:22

the time has finally come

1:02:221:02:24

where we say goodbye to the judges,

1:02:241:02:28

so that they can go off and make the toughest decision of their lives.

1:02:281:02:34

So, who gets the crown?

1:02:401:02:43

Well, we'll...compare scores and figure out a winner

1:02:431:02:47

cos we don't know who the winner is yet.

1:02:471:02:51

I have no idea who Jean picked, or Harold.

1:02:511:02:54

No idea.

1:02:541:02:56

I know who the winner is.

1:02:571:03:00

I know who it is. Harold, I know.

1:03:001:03:03

That's it. You shut your goddamn mouth, you...

1:03:031:03:07

You retard!

1:03:071:03:09

HE SHOUTS

1:03:091:03:11

Come on.

1:03:111:03:13

Back off, college boy. Now, listen.

1:03:131:03:16

Hanky can't help it if he's born crazy.

1:03:171:03:21

For fuck's sake, why didn't you leave him with a sitter?

1:03:211:03:24

HE CRIES

1:03:251:03:28

Nice, John. That's real nice.

1:03:281:03:31

You know the baby-sitter's dead.

1:03:311:03:34

So, anyone talk to Janelle lately?

1:03:391:03:42

I brought her some flowers today.

1:03:421:03:45

She's in the room next to my mom. She's super happy.

1:03:451:03:49

She's happy?

1:03:491:03:53

The blow to her head made her deaf.

1:03:501:03:53

-Isn't that great?

-Oh, that's great.

1:03:531:03:56

Yeah, she's so happy.

1:03:561:03:58

Jesus Christ, what are they doing? Letting the retard count the votes?

1:03:581:04:03

Ladies, it's time.

1:04:041:04:07

APPLAUSE

1:04:121:04:14

Welcome back, everybody, and judges.

1:04:251:04:29

Oh, gosh,

1:04:291:04:31

we are so darn close to that moment

1:04:311:04:33

we have all been waiting for.

1:04:331:04:37

Now, our second runner-up

1:04:371:04:40

and winner of a 50 scholarship for a vo-tech is...

1:04:391:04:44

..Leslie Miller.

1:04:461:04:48

You rule, Leslie!

1:04:521:04:54

Envelope, please.

1:05:061:05:08

Our next prize, a 75 scholarship

1:05:111:05:14

will be awarded to the first runner-up.

1:05:141:05:17

The first runner-up is...

1:05:181:05:20

..Amber Atkins.

1:05:231:05:25

And now, finally the moment

1:05:511:05:53

that I know I've been waiting for -

1:05:531:05:56

a scholarship of 500, from Leeman Furniture,

1:05:561:06:00

an all-expense paid trip

1:06:001:06:02

to compete for the title of Sarah Rose Cosmetics

1:06:021:06:06

Minnesota American Teen Princess...

1:06:061:06:09

Our new Mount Rose American Teen Princess is...

1:06:151:06:20

..contestant number...

1:06:211:06:24

You know what, it's my daughter, Rebecca Ann Leeman!

1:06:241:06:28

Thank you.

1:06:411:06:43

# Here she is

1:07:051:07:07

# Our Mount Rose American Teen Princess

1:07:071:07:11

# Look at her

1:07:111:07:13

# Doesn't she look fine?

1:07:131:07:15

# Our heart swells big

1:07:151:07:18

# As we look at her

1:07:181:07:21

# Our Mount Rose

1:07:211:07:22

# American Teen Princess #

1:07:221:07:26

EVERYONE: One, two, three.

1:07:261:07:29

You got her there?

1:07:291:07:33

We was robbed.

1:07:311:07:33

They'll take her back.

1:07:331:07:36

-She almost fell out coming over.

-Good bungee cords.

1:07:361:07:39

Hey, I got second runner-up. I got second place.

1:07:401:07:44

-Third.

-Huh? No, I got... Bye.

1:07:441:07:47

Bye.

1:07:471:07:49

Are you disappointed about not winning?

1:07:531:07:56

Yeah, well, you know...

1:07:561:07:59

At least I got to compete, and my mom got to see me dance.

1:07:591:08:03

I guess number eight only worked for Diane Sawyer.

1:08:031:08:06

Oh... Let's go home.

1:08:061:08:09

Come on. I'll let you drive, OK?

1:08:091:08:13

-I hope it was worth it.

-It was.

1:08:131:08:16

Amber should've won.

1:08:161:08:20

Peter never would have pulled that.

1:08:171:08:20

Well, you know what, Dad? Peter's gay.

1:08:201:08:24

Gay!!

1:08:251:08:27

What?

1:08:271:08:29

So, Becky, how does it feel?

1:08:291:08:32

Oh, well, I mean it's all happening so fast.

1:08:321:08:35

I'm so excited. I mean...

1:08:351:08:39

I won. I'm the winner.

1:08:391:08:41

And I'm going to State.

1:08:411:08:44

She's the winner, and we're going to State.

1:08:441:08:47

What a surprise. Gladys Leeman's going to State, and Nationals maybe.

1:08:471:08:52

How she's going to fix that one?

1:08:521:08:55

Are you ladies going to the parade?

1:08:551:09:01

No, I think I'm due or something.

1:08:581:09:01

MUSIC: "Fanfare For The Common Man" - Aaron Copland

1:09:021:09:06

Beautiful as a whore's ass today, huh?

1:09:181:09:22

Gladys had me get that special-made from Mejico in case Becky won.

1:09:441:09:50

I do a lot of business there. I always offer to pay in tacos.

1:09:501:09:55

They love that.

1:09:551:09:58

Let's get this straight - you made us late.

1:10:001:10:04

I want the big bag of little doughnuts.

1:10:041:10:07

-You get nothing, Hank.

-I want doughnuts.

1:10:071:10:11

The next time you drink window cleaner, I'm leaving it in you.

1:10:111:10:16

Harold, er...

1:10:161:10:18

Harold?

1:10:181:10:20

My pants are... Harold?

1:10:211:10:23

BAND PLAYS

1:10:331:10:36

Rebecca Ann Leeman,

1:10:521:10:55

you wanted this, now get up there.

1:10:551:10:58

I don't care if you have to ride it side-saddle. Move.

1:10:581:11:02

It smells funny, like gasoline.

1:11:021:11:05

-Things are like that in Mexico.

-My dress will reek.

1:11:051:11:09

You listen.

1:11:091:11:11

This thing cost your dad, so move it,

1:11:111:11:14

and show me some teeth.

1:11:141:11:17

Love you.

1:11:171:11:19

Stop it!

1:11:331:11:35

You are a bad kid.

1:11:351:11:37

Want some candy?

1:11:491:11:52

Amber, if I die from these fumes, you hide the hickeys on my neck, OK?

1:11:571:12:02

Oh, yeah.

1:12:031:12:05

-And the bite marks on my ears.

-Yeah, sure.

1:12:051:12:09

And it won't show, but on my inner thighs...

1:12:091:12:14

Yes, Leslie, OK.

1:12:111:12:14

Help! Hank! Help! Hank!

1:12:141:12:18

Help! Help! Help!

1:12:181:12:21

Hello!

1:12:211:12:23

I designed the float, you know,

1:12:261:12:28

and what's going to happen is that this is going to look

1:12:281:12:33

like a glistening lake beneath the swan.

1:12:331:12:37

Gladys, we need more bars!

1:12:371:12:40

This is... What? She can't do anything by herself.

1:12:391:12:44

Yeah, this is exactly how I pictured it, choking on swan gas.

1:12:431:12:48

WHOOSH!

1:12:491:12:51

Oh, great.

1:12:511:12:53

Oh, my God.

1:13:011:13:03

'Oh, crap. Oh, crap. Oh, my God.'

1:13:051:13:09

Oh, crap. Oh, crap.

1:13:091:13:11

Oh, my baby.

1:13:241:13:26

Oh, my God, the swan ate my baby!

1:13:261:13:29

Baby...baby, get up!

1:13:321:13:34

We gotta go to State!

1:13:361:13:38

-OK. Here, now, let's go.

-Get up, Becky, baby!

1:13:391:13:43

Get off me, you cow!

1:13:431:13:46

What are you looking at?!

1:13:491:13:53

A town full of losers, that's what I'm looking at!

1:13:531:13:56

And you,

1:13:561:13:58

you piece of shit trailer trash, that should have been you in there!

1:13:581:14:04

I should have killed you when I had a chance! Just like your little friend.

1:14:041:14:10

Oh, Tammy was one crispy critter up on that thresher!

1:14:101:14:14

Ding! Fries are up.

1:14:141:14:19

Gladys, stop it. Stop it.

1:14:161:14:19

SIRENS

1:14:191:14:21

Take it easy. Take it easy.

1:14:241:14:28

Let go! It's Cops!

1:14:281:14:30

He sells reproductions. His furniture's as fake as my orgasms!

1:14:301:14:35

Hey, man, how're you?

1:14:351:14:39

Hey, Scott. You remember Bruce?

1:14:361:14:39

Bruce, that's Roy.

1:14:391:14:41

And that's why, dear Lord, it's with such great sorrow,

1:14:411:14:45

we give you this woman,

1:14:451:14:48

whose dream of riding on a giant swan brought about her death.

1:14:481:14:53

Maybe it's your way of telling us

1:14:531:14:57

to buy American.

1:14:571:14:59

As acting president of the Mount Rose Civil Servettes,

1:15:021:15:07

it is my duty to make you Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

1:15:071:15:12

-What is wrong?

-I don't know.

1:15:221:15:25

-I didn't want to win like this.

-Stop.

1:15:251:15:28

You are a good person.

1:15:281:15:30

-Good things happen to good people.

-Really?

1:15:301:15:34

No, it's bullshit. You're lucky as hell, so enjoy it.

1:15:341:15:38

Let's get you a rootbeer float. You guys want some shots?

1:15:381:15:43

I never liked her, but she didn't deserve to die like that.

1:15:431:15:49

The whole thing's just kinda... sad and lame at the same time.

1:15:491:15:53

This came for you, sweetie.

1:15:531:15:56

It's from State. Oh, my God!

1:15:581:16:02

Open it up.

1:16:001:16:02

It's all the stuff I get to do.

1:16:031:16:06

Let's see.

1:16:061:16:08

Ooh, we get a personal consultation with a make-up artist!

1:16:081:16:12

Oh, there'll be a choreographer to the stars.

1:16:121:16:16

To the stars! Oh, gosh.

1:16:161:16:19

Oh, my God. No way. Oh, my God.

1:16:191:16:21

What? Spit it out, Amber.

1:16:211:16:26

We'll be staying overnight

1:16:231:16:26

at the Airport Howard Johnson!

1:16:261:16:31

Right by the airport!

1:16:281:16:31

God, that's so great!

1:16:311:16:33

Yeah! Oh, crap, I only got four days to practice. Let's go.

1:16:331:16:39

I'll call your mom.

1:16:371:16:39

All right, say, 'Airport Ho-Jo.'

1:17:081:17:13

Airport Ho-Jo.

1:17:111:17:13

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

1:17:181:17:23

Loretta, don't do that.

1:17:201:17:23

I've got to work with these people.

1:17:231:17:26

Let's go.

1:17:281:17:30

And you are...?

1:17:511:17:56

Mount Rose American Teen Princess.

1:17:531:17:56

Funny. You don't look dead.

1:17:561:17:59

OK, ladies, listen up.

1:17:591:18:02

I'm Colleen Douglas,

1:18:021:18:05

and this raven beauty on my right is Terry Macey.

1:18:051:18:09

And we're your Minnesota American Teen Princess state board.

1:18:091:18:14

And co-founders of the Minnesota Modelling Academy.

1:18:141:18:18

Applications are there,

1:18:181:18:21

and we will waive the fee if you list a friend and their address, OK?

1:18:201:18:26

You're cute.

1:18:261:18:28

Oh, you're married.

1:18:281:18:31

Catch this in your mouth, I'll give you a present.

1:18:311:18:35

Open wide.

1:18:351:18:37

Got it first time. Come here.

1:18:371:18:40

You are cute.

1:18:401:18:42

Due to budgetary cuts...

1:18:421:18:49

And the Nationals not coughing up.

1:18:441:18:49

..you can't stay overnight.

1:18:461:18:49

So pay attention. You have eight hours till show time.

1:18:491:18:53

Remember to count, ladies. Arms up on eight. On the beat.

1:18:531:18:58

MUSIC: "Downtown" - Petula Clark

1:18:581:19:00

# When you're alone

1:19:001:19:02

# And life is making you lonely

1:19:021:19:04

# You can always go

1:19:041:19:07

# Downtown #

1:19:071:19:08

Come on, sell it.

1:19:081:19:11

Very nice. Figure eights, ladies.

1:19:111:19:14

I can sum up our entire philosophy

1:19:141:19:17

with this glass.

1:19:171:19:20

I can look at it and say, "It's half full",

1:19:201:19:24

which in the beauty pageant biz means, "Where's my waiter?"

1:19:241:19:28

-CHILDREN SHOUT

-Stop with the Marco Polo, or I'll rip your heads off!

1:19:281:19:35

Miss Burnsville, you're next.

1:19:451:19:47

I have a secret weapon of my own. Don't tell anybody.

1:19:511:19:56

I don't eat shellfish. Ma says, "If it carries its house around,

1:20:081:20:13

"it might not clean."

1:20:131:20:15

I've done about 35 pageants.

1:20:151:20:18

The most memorable was Miss Teen America 1995.

1:20:181:20:22

It was in Vegas. My roommate did Adam West.

1:20:211:20:26

She said he was so horny.

1:20:261:20:29

WOMAN SINGS OPERATIC ARIA

1:20:371:20:40

Oh, my God.

1:20:401:20:43

MUSIC: "Saturday Night's All right" - Elton John

1:20:441:20:48

I should just go home now.

1:20:581:21:01

OK, good. One suggestion, sweetie, hike up your skirt a bit, OK?

1:21:041:21:08

Next.

1:21:081:21:10

Oh, my God. I gotta go.

1:21:131:21:16

Do something about those nerves. People aren't going to wait for you.

1:21:151:21:21

That's true.

1:21:201:21:23

Get a bucket.

1:21:241:21:26

'Today, a pageant turned ugly.'

1:21:261:21:30

THEME FROM "SPACE ODYSSEY 2001"

1:21:301:21:32

Oh, for God's sake.

1:21:341:21:36

'A salmonella dysentery outbreak traced to shellfish

1:21:371:21:41

'was believed to be the cause.'

1:21:411:21:44

'Do you think they heard us?'

1:21:491:21:52

'Oh, for Christ's sake! Call an ambulance!'

1:21:521:21:56

'An ambulance? Call a priest!'

1:21:561:21:58

'With us is David Richardson, one of the crew filming the pageant.

1:22:001:22:05

'He was there when tragedy struck.'

1:22:041:22:08

'Fucking beauty queens blowing chunks everywhere.

1:22:091:22:13

'I've never seen anything like it, and I live in LA.

1:22:131:22:17

'Hey, Ed... That's our sound guy.'

1:22:171:22:20

'Can you tell us about the controversy? What about sabotage?'

1:22:201:22:25

'While we haven't ruled out sabotage

1:22:251:22:28

'from neighbouring state pageants, Iowa, Wisconsin, South Dakota...'

1:22:281:22:33

'That bitch from Wisconsin -'

1:22:331:22:37

'The important thing is we have a winner.'

1:22:351:22:37

-'The Minnesota Modelling Academy...'

-'And Sarah Rose Cosmetics present -'

1:22:381:22:43

'Amber Atkins.'

1:22:431:22:45

'The Minnesota American Teen Princess.'

1:22:461:22:49

'Amber Atkins from Mount Rose.'

1:22:491:22:53

'Amber, how do you feel?'

1:22:531:23:00

'Well, I feel like I need to take a shower.'

1:22:551:23:00

'Is this the best day of your life?'

1:23:001:23:03

'I wish my mom was here though.'

1:23:031:23:08

'You can wave hi.'

1:23:051:23:08

Hi, monkey.

1:23:081:23:10

'I got some.'

1:23:101:23:12

'Uh-huh. No, gosh, no.

1:23:141:23:17

'I still don't want to be on camera.

1:23:171:23:20

'I just want to say, that bitch better watch out at the Nationals,

1:23:201:23:26

'cos I am making friends here.

1:23:251:23:28

'Friends with friends on the outside.'

1:23:281:23:34

< Get off that phone!

1:23:311:23:34

'Gotta go.'

1:23:341:23:36

I can't believe it. I'm Minnesota American Teen Princess.

1:23:361:23:40

Our baby's going to Nationals. Alabama, look out.

1:23:401:23:44

I'm going on TV, just like Diane Sawyer.

1:23:441:23:48

Use your hand.

1:23:511:23:55

They said to practise.

1:23:521:23:55

I did it.

1:24:071:24:09

Ready? Here's the signal I'm going to give Mom when I'm on TV.

1:24:091:24:13

My little Carol Burnett.

1:24:141:24:17

Here she is, Minnesota's American Teen Princess,

1:24:171:24:21

and soon to be the next America's American Teen Princess, our Amber.

1:24:211:24:28

CHEERING

1:24:281:24:30

Go, Amber!

1:24:441:24:46

'So, after Frank dusts the crops,

1:24:481:24:52

'he's taking her to Lincoln, Alabama.'

1:24:511:24:55

CROWD CHANTS: Amber! Amber!

1:24:551:24:57

MUSIC: "Beautiful Dreamer" - Mandy Barnett

1:25:011:25:04

# Beautiful dreamer

1:25:041:25:09

# Wake unto me

1:25:111:25:15

# Starlight and dewdrops

1:25:171:25:20

# Are waiting for thee

1:25:201:25:24

# Beautiful dreamer

1:25:281:25:33

# Awake on my song

1:25:331:25:37

# List while I woo thee

1:25:391:25:45

# With soft melody

1:25:451:25:49

# Beautiful dreamer

1:25:531:26:00

# Awake

1:26:001:26:04

# Unto me #

1:26:041:26:09

MUSIC: "Love Is All Around" - Joan Jett and the Blackhearts

1:26:261:26:30

# You can turn the world on with a smile

1:26:321:26:35

# You can take a nothing day

1:26:371:26:39

# And suddenly make it all seem worthwhile

1:26:391:26:42

# Once you go and you should know it

1:26:421:26:44

# Each word and every little movement you show it

1:26:441:26:47

# Love is all around

1:26:471:26:48

# No need to fake it

1:26:481:26:49

# You can never doubt

1:26:491:26:50

# Why don't you take it?

1:26:501:26:52

# You're gonna make it after all

1:26:521:26:55

# How will you make it on your own?

1:26:571:26:59

# This world is awfully big

1:27:021:27:04

# And all this time you're all alone...

1:27:041:27:07

GUNSHOTS

1:27:071:27:09

Come on out, you little blonde piece of trailer park trash!

1:27:121:27:16

# You're gonna make it after all

1:27:161:27:19

# You're gonna make it after all

1:27:191:27:22

'In the sixth hour of a shoot-out -'

1:27:211:27:26

GUNSHOT

1:27:241:27:26

'This is Amber Atkins live at the Food Shack for... KRLH News.

1:27:301:27:35

'Our reporter has just been shot. Paramedics are working on her.'

1:27:351:27:39

I'm Peter Aitchison.

1:27:431:27:48

And I'm Amber Atkins for WAZP News.

1:27:451:27:48

# You're the one most likely to succeed

1:28:001:28:02

# Just be sure you keep your head

1:28:051:28:07

# Cos girl, you know that's all you need

1:28:071:28:09

# Everyone around adores you

1:28:091:28:12

# Don't get robbed, the world is waiting for you

1:28:121:28:14

# Love is all around

1:28:141:28:16

# Don't need to waste it

1:28:151:28:17

# You can never doubt

1:28:171:28:18

# Why don't you take it?

1:28:181:28:20

# You're gonna make it after all #

1:28:201:28:23

MUSIC: "A Girl That's Hip" - Tim Carroll

1:28:381:28:41

# I want a girl I can take home to Mother... #

1:28:501:28:54

Subtitles by IMS

1:28:541:28:57

E-mail us at [email protected]

1:28:571:29:01

Black comedy. Covering a small town beauty pageant, a documentary film crew is witness to increasingly bizarre events, as former winner Gladys Leeman seeks to ensure her daughter's success while plucky contestant Amber Atkins faces an uphill battle. Disappointment - and even death - awaits the competitors.


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