Duplex

So, you're finally settling down.

You've saved up a little nest egg and are ready to dive into the real estate market.

Let's do a little shopping around.

The American dream home.

Two bedrooms, two bathrooms, one doghouse, one garage, two garbage cans.

It's cosy, safe, and just barely within your overstretched budget. Not for you?

For the same price, you can buy 200,000 acres of prime Sahara wasteland.

Put up a cottage. Nothing but you and the sky.

It's like a beach without the ocean.

And talk about quiet neighbours!

Too remote? Oh, I understand.

You need the thrill and excitement of the big city.

With that same nest egg, you can get a slice of prime real estate.

Not this real estate.

Cosy and affordable, this lovely fixer-upper is the perfect place for a dynamic couple like you.

No need to putter around the house.

It's all right there where you stand.

What's the matter?

Feeling a little cramped?

Well, just a stone's throw away, just one bridge or a tunnel ride, just outside the big, bustling city,

there is a place with wide open spaces, friendly natives, and spacious dwellings.

And it's all within your price range.

It's almost too good to be true.

When I told you I had a particular building in mind for you, this is the one I was talking about.

It's a historical home on one of the best blocks in all of Brooklyn.

-Remember what we talked about.

-I know. Poker face.

-Built-ins, built-ins.

-Oh, the kitchen's a little small.

Well, rip out this awful room divider, and you've got an eat-in kitchen.

-And over here you have your library...

-Wow.

-For your books.

-Oh, you like books?

-I have a little collection of first-edition novels.

-Alex is a writer.

The parlour.

Oh, my God.

So, this staircase. This leads to where?

I thought you realised.

This is a duplex.

As in, two floors for the price of one?

I believe it's right there in the listing sheet.

So why was it sealed off?

Were there, like, a slew of murders up there or something?

No, there's just a sweet, little old lady that lives upstairs.

-A tenant?

-Mm-hm.

-So, rent control means we can't kick her out, right?

-Alex!

That's a legitimate question.

No, you cannot evict her. She has to decide to leave,

or, God forbid... Poor thing hasn't been feeling well lately.

She's gotta be close to 100 years old.

HE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Mrs Connelly?

It may take her a while. She's hard of hearing.

Mrs Connelly?

FOOTSTEPS APPROACH

LOCKS CLUNK AND SQUEAK

-Kenneth.

-SHE COUGHS

There's my favourite girl!

-How you feeling today, Mrs Connelly?

-I don't feel too good, Kenneth.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, Mrs Connelly.

I brought by a young couple that may want to buy the apartment...

-Hi.

-Hi, Mrs Connelly. I'm Nancy Kendricks.

This is my husband, Alex Rose.

-Hello.

-We were wondering if we could come in and look around.

I don't feel up to it.

I'm sorry, dear.

Nice seeing you again, Kenneth.

MRS CONNELLY COUGHS

MRS CONNELLY HAWKS UP PHLEGM

You have a Mommy And Me park over here.

You got shopping a block and a half that way. No traffic. It is ideal.

Here's my card if you want to make an offer.

There's a lot of heat on this place.

I'd say it'll be off the market by Monday.

Adios.

Three fireplaces? Guys, the place sounds incredible!

And surprisingly affordable.

It's kind of affordable. It's really at the high end of our price range.

-But when you factor in that it's a duplex...

-It's a duplex?

-Yes.

-Oh!

You know, it's Brooklyn, first of all.

We weren't even thinking about Brooklyn, so...

-Oh, actually, which reminds me. Did you bring it?

-Oh, yeah.

Is this the latest in the Don Piper mystery series?

Fresh off the presses.

-I inscribed this copy to you guys...

-Oh!

-Coop, thank you.

I am sure it's not gonna be nearly as brilliant as your new book, but a couple decent metaphors in there,

-turn of phrase...

-We forgot to tell them the big news.

Oh, God! Yes.

-What is it?

-Go ahead.

We're pregnant.

-Wow!

-Congratulations.

-Congratulations, man.

I'm so happy for you! You guys must have just found out!

No. Uh-uh. I'm four months along. Yeah!

-Four months?

-Oop!

-Oh, honey. Stop!

Hello!

I mean, we're not gonna want to live here once we start having babies.

And that upstairs would make the cutest playroom.

Well, I don't want Mrs Connelly coughing on my baby.

You know what I mean.

Besides, do you realise how much the duplex is gonna be worth once we get both floors?

-I know how much it costs.

-It's gonna be worth a bazillion times that.

-Really?

-Yeah.

-A bazillion? That's an incredible return!

Come on, Alex, what better way to finish your novel than in your own 19th-century oak writer's nook?

It would be nice not to write at Starbucks with the other novelists.

Because you deserve your own nook.

That's my train.

-All right. Let's do it.

-Really?

-Yeah.

SHE SCREAMS

-Oh, my God, this is so wonderful. We're gonna have a home!

-Yeah.

-All right. I love you.

-Aah! I love you!

I could have sworn we had more stuff.

It's gonna look great.

SHE KNOCKS ON DOOR

Mrs Connelly, it's Nancy Kendricks and Alex Rose, from downstairs.

(Let me look at you.)

Oh!

Hi.

We just wanted to come up and say hi.

Oh, what a nice surprise.

Come in. Come in.

Thank you.

Wow!

What an amazing apartment!

Oh, thank you, dear. Sit down.

We brought you this little housewarming gift.

That's very kind of you. Thank you.

I'll open it for you. I don't drink, myself. It's a sin.

Irish Catholics don't drink?

FOLK MUSIC PLAYS

(What are you doing?)

(Oh, I'm just taking a few little pictures for research.)

If I knew you were coming, I'd have tidied up.

-Hey, Nancy.

-Yeah?

-Blow me down!

-Oh!

-What did you say? >

-Are you all right?

-Yeah. Oh, God!

I'm coming, slowly but surely...

I'll just turn off this music...

Sit down, dears. Sit down.

I've brought you a little something to nibble on as well.

Oh, Bugles! Wow.

I didn't realise they even still made Bugles.

Here you go.

That's a magnificent parrot.

It's not a parrot, dear.

He's a macaw. He's named after my late husband, Richard.

I've had Little Dick for 40 years.

-Come along, dear. Don't be shy. It's French onion.

-Oh.

Mrs Connelly, how are you feeling?

-Why do you ask, dear?

-Well, because the last time we saw you, you were quite ill.

Oh, I had a bit of a cold, but I'm in fine fettle now.

Tell me about yourselves.

What do you do, Alan?

Alex.

-Alex is a writer.

-Oh, a writer. Hmm.

I always thought of that as more of a hobby than a real job.

I suppose I'm forgetting about Joyce.

Joyce. James Joyce. Of course. Wonderful writer.

He died drunk and penniless.

Well, Alex's first novel was published in hardback, and he's about to finish his second one.

Oh, what's it about?

Well, I like to call it an urban epic.

It's about three generations of this family that own a printing press, and I tell a story...

That's nice.

Let me give you a refill.

Big Dick had the taste, too.

He was a seaman. The drink took him from me in 1963.

We'd been married for 58 years.

('63...)

-So, when are you two planning on having children?

-Soon.

Yeah, not for a couple of years.

You sound just like Mr Connelly.

We never had any children.

It's too late for me now.

-CLOCK CHIMES

-Oh, look at the time!

-I had no idea it was so late.

-Oh.

The time's rolled on.

We haven't had a chance to see the apartment.

-Oh, dear, I'm afraid there's no time now.

-Really?

We must say goodnight.

Oh, OK.

LOW-PITCHED SQUEAK

Oh...!

Oh, no. That was your...

-I think it's your couch... I think the chair...

-Alex.

That was a little...

Come along, dears. Come along.

(How could you?)

"A macaw.

"Any long-tailed, brightly coloured parrot."

A macaw IS a parrot. I knew it.

Don't you think that as landlords, we have some legal right

to see the back of her apartment if we want to?

I mean... I'll look it up on the internet. That's what I'll do.

I wonder how old she is.

Oh, my guess is that she's somewhere between 95 and 105.

She looked pretty good tonight.

Yeah, she did.

She looked kind of...healthy.

-Yeah.

-Mm.

-That's nice.

-Yeah.

Hello, Mr Peabody...

DISTORTED TV CHATTER

'I saw myself in the mirror, and I thought it was my mother's tush.'

TV PLAYS HAWAII FIVE-O THEME

MUFFLED TV NOISE

Mrs Connelly?

SHOUTS: Mrs Connelly?

-Oh, yes? Who is it?

-Hi, it's Alex.

I was wondering if you could turn down your TV, cos we can hear it.

Oh, oh, I fell asleep.

-Wait, I'm sorry...

-That's OK.

-I'll do that.

OK. Thank you.

FOOTSTEPS RUN

-TV:

-'No, Starvin' Marvin, that's my potpie!

-Cartman, you butt-pipe.

'This is the time of year to share.

'Oh, yeah, you're right. Are you going to eat your peach cobbler?

'No, you don't want all that. Why don't you share it with me?

'Everybody's asking me about fibre.

'In the next few minutes, you're going to learn about an amazing...

WOODY WOODPECKER LAUGHS

'If I want a slimmer waist...

'Use it on carpets! OxiClean seeks out organic stains...

'There's no more bald jokes...'

ALARM RINGS

ALARM STOPS

-I gotta go.

-All right.

-Have a good day.

See you later. And finish that chapter!

I will.

DOOR BUZZER

BUZZER CONTINUES

-Good morning, Alex.

-Good morning, Mrs Connelly.

-I wanted to give you this back.

I won't drink it, and I thought you might want it.

Oh, thank you. That's nice of you.

All right, if there's anything else I can do for you, let me know.

DOOR BUZZER

There is one thing.

Yeah, I'm sorry, I don't hear anything.

It was very distinctive.

The pipes went bang-bang, bangity-bang-bang.

Bang! Bang!

Mm.

Well, they're not doing that any more, or it stopped, so...

I'll tell you what, though.

If you hear it again, come get me. I'll run up and take a listen.

Oh, all right then. It's a deal.

Ooh, Alan, dear boy, I wonder...

-Alex...

-Pardon?

-Alex. My name's Alex.

-I know.

No, I think you said "Alan".

Oh, no, I don't think so. I don't forget names.

Could you give me a hand with the garbage?

We don't want to be feeding the mice.

What in heaven's name are you doing with me drawers?

Now, I would move the pull quote just a teeny bit so that you'll have room to squeeze in the text.

You're such a good squeezer, Nancy.

That's because, until yesterday, I lived in an apartment the size of a small child.

But look at the new place.

Oh, my God!

Isn't it gorgeous?

-Yes!

-There's, like, this living room / parlour area...

-Nancy, did you finish the Celebrity Scene page?

-Oh, tickety-boo.

-I don't know what that means.

-It means you'll have it soon.

Well, if you mean I'll have it soon, why don't you say I'll have it soon?

"Tickety-boo" is just confusing for everybody!

-Oh!

-Mr Peabody...?

-How did that get in there?

-Hmm!

Alex?

-DOOR SLAMS

-Alex?

-Hey.

-Hi!

Hi.

How was work?

Oh, Herman's freaking out, as usual.

-Were you napping?

-No, I was just rearranging my book collection.

-In the dark?

-And then I closed my eyes for a second.

Just to think, and, you know. Is this dinner?

Mm-hm. So how was your nook?

Did you get, like, five or six million pages written?

-More like five or six words.

-What happened?

Our upstairs neighbour had me doing chores for her all day.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Well, you just gotta set some boundaries.

Just tell her you're working.

-She'll understand.

-What is that?

Oh, I picked up a few things on the way home.

It's an area rug. Do you love it?

Yes. How much was it? It doesn't seem to cover much of an area.

It was 200 or something like that.

-I don't really remember...

-That was 200 bucks?

Yeah, but, you know, it's a runner, cos it goes in between the two rooms and then ties them together.

Ooh, and look! Look, look, look, look!

It's an original Pablo Flinch.

Really?

Cool. Is it, like, a Mayan guacamole bowl or something?

It's a stool!

Here. Try it.

What are we, hobbits?

METALLIC TAPPING

It's a water stain!

I told Mr Rose the problem with the pipes this morning.

They were going bang-bang bangity-bang-bang. Bang! Bang!

Yeah, the whole bathroom could have explode.

471 bucks? What time...?

-You were here three hours?

-Yeah...

Sweetie, these were original tiles.

-How could you not have heard the banging?

-Sweetie, I was asleep!

Napping, and in the middle of the afternoon. Shameful.

OK, I'm not gonna pay for unauthorised repairs.

I did the work, my friend. I can rip the pipes out of the wall!

MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN What?

MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN I don't know what you're saying.

-Do it! Do it!

-You do it. You wanna rip 'em out, you rip 'em out!

-Alex!

-What?

OK, forget it. Plug it up. Plug it up.

MAN SPEAKS IN RUSSIAN

I begged Mr Rose to do something. I was terrified, Nancy.

OK, well, the next time that happens, Mrs Connelly, just call me, OK? I gave you my business card.

Alan!

Before I forget, it's the first of the month.

-Right.

-88.

Do you want to count it?

Remember, if she bothers you, just lay down the law. Be firm, but nice.

Two positives, then a negative.

-What is that?

-Psychology. Don't wait up for me.

I got to work late.

-I love you.

-I love you.

DOOR BUZZER

Good morning, Alex.

Good morning, Mrs Connelly.

I wondered if I could ask you a quick question.

Right. You know what?

Can I just say this to you?

You know I'm working on a book, right?

And this book is due in about three weeks.

And my editor is expecting it on her desk at that time, OK?

-It's a contractual deadline...

-I see.

So I have to be working on that book all the time here in my apartment, which is also my office.

It's just like my office. If I was a lawyer, and I went off

to an office, you couldn't knock on my door, cos you wouldn't be there.

So let's just pretend that I'm a lawyer, OK?

This is my office, and unless it's a really, really super-important emergency,

OK, between the hours of 9:00 and 6:00, I'm not here.

I'm off, away in my office, OK?

And then after 6:00, I'm here, OK?

I completely understand.

And I apologise for bothering you.

Not at all. OK, have a good day, all right?

-It's just...

-What?

What is it just? What is it?

I bought a copy of your book yesterday,

and I wondered if you'd sign it.

Of course, if you're too busy, I can come back out of business hours.

Oh... No. That... No.

Oh, that's so nice.

You didn't have to buy a copy, I have a million copies...

It's money well spent. Just write something that I can treasure for years to come.

OK.

How about...

"To my favourite upstairs neighbour"?

"Alex Rose." Here you go.

-And I hope you like it.

-Oh, I know I will.

OK. All right. Good day.

Alex?

Yeah?

I know we've just had this discussion,

but I was wondering if the firm of Rose & Rose could accompany an old lady to the pharmacy.

It's pissing down out there! And I need to renew my monthlies.

It won't take any time at all.

30, 31, 32, 33, 34, 35, 36...

How much is the Nicorette?

43.97.

I lost me place.

One, two, three...

Eight, nine, ten...

One, two, three...

22, 23, 24...

25, 26, 27, 28,

29, and 30. OK, good?

Oh, blueberries!

One, two, three...

-I thought you were gonna talk to her.

-I did, honey.

I did. I was very clear with her.

She's just...

She manipulated me somehow.

She manipulated you?

She's very crafty.

She's a crafty old...lady.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Tomorrow's gonna be better, because you know why?

-It's gonna be Saturday, and that's our day off, and we're gonna get to sleep in. OK?

-Yeah.

I promise everything will be better tomorrow, OK?

-TV:

-# The Love Boat

# Soon we'll be making another run

# The Love Boat... #

CRASHING

WOMEN SHOUT AND SHRIEK

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Good morning!

Good morning, Nancy.

This is Nancy Kendricks.

Hello, dear.

Are those musical instruments?

-ALL:

-Yes!

We are a brass ensemble. We've got a concert at St Augustus on Friday.

OUT-OF-TUNE BRASS MUSIC

Let's go out shopping.

I'll deliver it this afternoon?

-Yes, that's great.

-Hey, honey, look.

-Oh! Oh, what'd you get?

-Remington Royal. 50 bucks.

-How much were they asking for it?

-50 bucks.

Look, I got a peacock.

-Oh...

-Isn't it great?

-Cool... What does it do?

It's there to be decorative and pretty and aesthetically pleasing.

So what do we need a daybed for?

Oh, for all your napping.

Honey, I took one nap for two minutes. I didn't even shut my eyes.

Hey, what's in the bag?

Answer to our prayers.

Try it next to that one,

cos then the couch will go... Whoo hoo hoo!

Wow...

You know what I just realised that we forgot to do?

We forgot to christen the apartment.

-That's what I was thinking.

-Ohh...

I love our home!

SHE GASPS

Aah!

-Wha...

-Oh, my God!

What was she doing?

-I don't know. You think she saw the whole thing?

-Ew!

-Hey, where are you going?

-Oh, now's my chance.

-I got to get up there.

-Wait. What are you gonna do?

-The answer to our problems.

-Clap Me.

-What does it do?

When she falls asleep, we can control her TV from our bedroom.

You be the lookout. If you hear her coming, go knock on the pipe, OK? Like, make a noise.

OK. OK. OK.

MACAW SQUAWKS

Shut up.

-MACAW:

-Shut up.

DOOR SQUEAKS

-MACAW:

-Hello.

Well, hello, Little Dickey.

I'm back again, aren't I?

Guess what I've got in the bag.

I got hot dogs. Hot dogs for Dickey boy.

I'll tell you what I'm going to do.

I'm going to give it a wee chew meself first.

MACAW SQUAWKS

It's so nice, Dickey. It is.

It's so good.

Mm.

I tell you what. Shall we have a bit of music?

A bit of music and a bit of a dance.

I'll put on your favourite, the tune you like the most.

The one that was Big Dick's favourite, too.

MUSIC PLAYS

MACAW CHATTERS

There's a boy.

# It's lonesome away from your kindred and all

# By the campfire at night Where the wild dingoes call

# But there's nothing so lonesome so dull, or so drear

# Than to stand in the bar of a pub with no beer

# Now the publican's anxious... #

PIPES SQUEAL AND GROAN

PIPES CONTINUE TO GROAN

Holy crap!

# Ah, ah-ah ah, ah... #

-BANGING ON DOOR

-Mrs Connelly?

# With a thrill in my hand and a pill on my tongue

# Dissolve the nerves that have just begun

# Listening to Marvin all night long... #

Ahhh...

Mrs Connelly?

Mrs Connelly?

Nancy? Is that you?

Mrs Connelly?

Hold on a sec.

Mrs Connelly?

Oh, Nancy. What a nice surprise.

I'll make you some tea.

It's nice to see you here.

We'll have some tea.

-Oh!

-And biscuits.

Ow! Ooh!

Honey?

Oh! Oh, I'm so sorry.

-Are you OK?

-What happened to you?

You were supposed to be the lookout!

I know. I know.

TV PLAYS LOUD MUSIC

All right, here we go.

-Ready?

-Yeah.

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC CONTINUES

MUSIC STOPS

You're a genius!

SHE GIGGLES

Mmm...

CLAPPING, MUSIC RESUMES

CLAPPING, MUSIC STOPS

That is so weird.

How would she know that? How would she know how to use it?

You didn't leave the box up there or anything, did you?

CLAPPING, MUSIC RESUMES

CLAPPING STOPS AND STARTS MUSIC

MUSIC STOPS

CLAPPING, MUSIC RESUMES

MUSIC STOPS

CLAPPING, MUSIC RESUMES

MUSIC STOPS, CLAPPING RESUMES MUSIC

CLAPS RESPOND

CLAPPING, MUSIC STOPPING AND STARTING

PHONE RINGS Nancy Kendricks.

-'Mrs Connelly - I have a favour to ask.'

-Ladies!

Emergency! Hurry! Run!

Mrs Connelly, you know, honestly, we're going to print today, and everything's just crazy around here.

-Can't you ask Alex?

-'I knocked and knocked.

'He must be in a deep, deep sleep today...'

We didn't get it until this morning.

Nancy! Nancy! We have 27 minutes to get this to press.

Get off the phone!

OK, thank you, Mrs Connelly...

-Where is my new hot list? Where is it?

-I'm almost done.

-Five seconds!

-OK. OK. OK. OK. OK!

-This is it?

-Yes.

-Did you check it?

-Yes.

I don't want it tickety-boo.

I want it tickety-now!

It's good. It's cute. I like it.

Is it, like, 800, 900 square feet?

No, it's, like, 1,800.

But it might seem cosy cos of the fireplaces.

There are three fireplaces.

So here it is. The third fireplace.

Wow. This apartment is amazing.

I'm so glad that you like it. Phew.

Relief.

-Wonderful collection.

-Mmm, thank you.

Yeah. Just make sure you save space for the Alex Rose first editions.

-Ah, yes.

-So...

So, yeah.

-How's the ending turning out?

-The ending is gonna be great.

I'm kind of circling it cos I don't want to force it.

Just make sure you turn it in by Wednesday.

Management's being very strict with all our mid-level authors.

-I'm only mid-level?

-Right now.

Of course, you won't be after you hand in your masterpiece.

We're replacing most of the furniture we have,

but we're going for a Miller / Eames look.

-You love Eames, Terrence.

-I just got a new piece.

Did you bring that guy with the girl in the leopard thing?

Oh, that's Chick. That's the guy who's advising me on the Don Piper mysteries.

-What, is he a detective or something?

-No.

He's a hired gun.

He kills people for a living.

-You brought a hit man into the party?

-Relax. He's very discreet.

He's got a perfectly legitimate day job as a cover.

And what do you do, Chick?

I'm a pornographer.

Here, let me give you a card, you know, just in case.

She's this funny old Irish lady named Mrs Connelly,

and she's actually in a brass ensemble at the church tonight.

There's all sorts of incredible details.

I mean, I can't wait for you guys to see it.

It's beautiful. Ooh, Herman, get in here.

THEY SCREAM

Herman?

Being a landlord doesn't give you the right to enter your tenant's premises anytime you feel like it.

I just wanted my friends to have a look-see.

You were supposed to be at the church performing.

Heavens no. It's next Friday.

We've got a big week of practice ahead of us.

You terrified the poor woman. Mrs Connelly, you can press charges if you want.

No, I don't want to do that.

They're such a nice couple.

-Good night, now.

-Good night, Mrs Connelly.

I'm gonna be watching the two of you...

very closely.

-Hey, Alex, right?

-Hey, Chick.

-How you doing?

-Brought you a housewarming gift.

-Oh, that's so sweet.

Well, look, this is very tasteful stuff. You know, for couples.

That is so thoughtful. Thank you.

My card's inside Ass Patrol in case you need more.

-All right. Take it easy.

-Thanks for the party.

-OK.

I got an award for this one.

She was supposed to be at church. You can't fire me because you got maced.

Believe me.

I wish that's why I was firing you.

Did you happen to see the restaurant hot list?

Oh, my God.

So...

How's Mr Peabody doing?

Alex? Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

There's no napping right now. You have to finish your book.

We need money. I got fired.

Yeah, I know. I saw it.

Oh...you saw it.

Yeah. It's horrible. My parents read this magazine.

Now they know my penis is called Mr Peabody.

It wasn't my fault. She was calling me when you were napping.

I wasn't napping, for the 1,000th time!

OK, maybe I took a nap at one point.

When did napping become against the law?

Honey, I can't work here. It's impossible. I've been trying.

I've written three pages in the last six weeks.

Three pages. The book is due on Wednesday.

If we don't hand in the book, I don't know what we'll do.

We can't pay for anything - for the runners, the stools,

we can't pay for the tangelo bowl you like.

We can't pay for your little happy mug-vase thing.

Well, what if you got out of the house and went to write at, like, a Starbucks or something?

And what? You're gonna stay here and try to find work while she has you running around doing things for her?

Doing all the little errands, the chores she asks you to do?

I don't think you could take it.

I mean, I love you, but, honestly, I've been there, and I don't think you could take it.

I can take it. I'll be fine.

OUT-OF-TUNE BRASS ENSEMBLE PLAYS

DOOR BUZZER

Nancy?

Hello, Mrs Connelly.

Nancy, dear. I couldn't help noticing that Alex left the house this morning while you stayed home.

I was downsized from my job.

Aw, I'm sorry.

But I'm sure it's for the best.

Let Mr Rose get out there and bring home the bacon.

I always thought it was strange.

A husband staying home while you were out there providing.

-Well, he's a writer.

-Writer.

The man naps more than a newborn pup.

What's he writing about? Sheep?

Is there something, Mrs Connelly?

Oh, I guess you could say there was something.

I've got something on display in me kitchen.

That is not a mouse dropping.

It's a raisin.

-That is the leavings of a mouse.

-It's a raisin.

I sprayed it with Lysol.

Ohh.

And she puts on this sweet face, and she acts all innocent.

IN IRISH ACCENT: "Nancy, could you help me?

"I think I found the leavings of a mouse."

As if she didn't know it was a raisin.

I've never designed religious leaflets, per se.

One o'clock?

Great, Rabbi. Thank you so much.

-Nancy?

-OK.

Nancy?

Nancy? Are you down there?

What is it, Mrs Connelly?

Little Dickey's caught in the dumbwaiter shaft.

Well, how did he get there? Aah!

Oh, don't hurt him.

Oh, ooh, Dickey boy. Oh, careful.

-Aah!

-Shame on you.

Scaring a helpless, little macaw like that.

This is not going well.

I told you she's a mean, crafty old lady.

At this rate, I'm never going to finish the book in time. Damn rent control.

I wish we could just kick her out.

What if we tried being nice to her?

Maybe we could get her a gift.

-A gift?

-Yeah.

And ask her if she wouldn't mind leaving.

We ASK her?

-Yeah.

-Just ask her?

Maybe it'll take a little begging, but nicely.

Well, she might go for begging.

There's a chart that shows what's inside of each chocolate.

That's all right, dear.

Mrs Connelly, let me come right to the point.

Alex and I are trying to have a baby.

I saw.

In the living room.

Right.

The thing is, when we do have our baby, we're going to need the upstairs.

I don't understand, dear.

We're willing to pay you something.

You want me to leave?

Don't you think you'd be more comfortable with people who are more in your demographic?

In sunny Miami Beach.

I'm Irish.

I'd sizzle up like a sausage.

-Besides, this is my home.

-Home.

The Emerald Isle, hmm?

Back to the old sod.

Well, now,

there's a thought.

I haven't been back home for 50 years.

Ooh.

A caramel.

So, about Ireland...

And you moving there.

Most likely they have television now?

-Oh.

-Of course they do.

-Yeah, colour.

I've made up me mind.

I'll do...!

Mrs Connelly! She's choking!

-Oh, God!

-Mrs Connelly.

-Do something! Oh, God! Ooh, Alex! Alex!

Come on! Come on!

-Yeah, good.

-Come on! Come on!

-Phew!

-Oh, my God!

Oh!

Clear!

-Alex, what are you doing?

-CPR!

-Wait! Stop it!

Stop it!

Oh, God. One, two, three, four, five.

OK, give her mouth to mouth.

Oh, no. Really?

-Yes. Yes, do it!

-OK.

No, you got to blow in her mouth.

Come on.

One breath, come on. One, two, three, four, five.

OK, again.

OK, one breath. That's it. One, two,

three, four, five. Again!

SHE COUGHS

What are you doing?

You were choking on a chocolate.

You choked on a chocolate.

Oh.

Oh. Oh.

Go on, Mrs Connelly.

The last thing I remember,

I ate one of their chocolates.

And when I woke up,

he was having his way.

And she was holding me down.

No, I was trying to save her life.

He stole me drawers once

for sniffing.

That's ridiculous. She was choking on the chocolate, so I did...

Shut up!

We keep a list of people like you down here at the station.

The sexual predator list.

-Sexual predator?

-And to think they want to have children.

We should've just let her choke.

Oh, I know.

What can I get you?

I got 12 hours to finish this book.

-I was wondering if I could sit here and write all day?

-Be my guest.

-Thanks.

Nancy.

I was going to ring you.

I'm afraid there's a bit of a problem up here.

I have to go on a job interview, so I'll take care of it later.

Oh, that's OK. I'll ring the rug man.

Good. Knock it in.

Knock it in good.

I don't want to slip and break me neck.

No, we wouldn't want that.

This is the problem area here.

It's loose as a Dublin whore.

Oh, go on, knock it in.

Yes!

Now, just knock it in. Go on, knock.

Come on, use some elbow grease.

Aah! OK, I will.

You threw her down the stairs?

No. But I imagined it.

And I liked it.

I'm evil. I'm a horrible, horrible person.

Thank you.

Come on, she's practically ruined our lives.

-It's natural to have thoughts like that.

-Really?

Yeah.

I mean, I've even had a couple.

Aah!

Like what?

Just, you know, snapping her neck or electrocuting her.

Just beating her to death, decapitating her, drowning her,

just, you know, bludgeoning her, in a humane way, but...

Dicing her up into little, little pieces.

But asphyxiating her first so she didn't feel anything.

I'm glad you clarified that.

You're evil, too.

I'm finished. That's what I am.

And it was incredible. The last 60 pages just poured out of me.

Let's open that really great champagne and celebrate.

Alex?!

Alex?! Nancy?!

Ooh!

Come quick. A huge rat just ran under me cupboard.

Oh, come. Come on, quick.

-Quick, Alex!

-I'll pop the cork.

I'll be right back. Are you sure it was a rat, Mrs Connelly?

-I saw its face.

-You saw its face?

All right, let's see if we can't find this big, bad rat.

You sure it might not have been a dust bunny?

-Cos sometimes they look rodent-like.

-Aah!

The rat!

Where?

-There!

-Oh. Oh, that's not a rat.

-That's like a little field mouse.

-Alan!

-Your purse fell into the fire.

-Oh, no.

-Alan!

Oh, don't! Oh, don't!

My book! Ow!

Oh, Alan! Oh! Oh!

You'll burn yourself!

Door! Nancy, door! Get the door!

Nancy, door!

-Is that your book? OK. Oh!

-Door!

OK! Oh, my God!

-Oh!

-No!

-No!

No! No! No!

-Alex! Stop!

-No, stop! Aah! No! No!

No!

I swear she did that on purpose.

And now here's tonight's Health Watch.

'A deadly virus has hit New York City. Doctors warn

'that this particular strain is extremely dangerous in children under five

'and especially to the elderly.

'Symptoms include high fever, accompanied by nausea and violent diarrhoea.'

Mr Rose?

Would you sprinkle some salt on the steps? They're terribly icy.

You'd better not go outside then. Whoa! Ow!

Ow!

Mother...

A giant tow truck runs it over,

followed by an SUV that it was dragging.

-Alex, that's horrible.

-I know.

I know. Can you believe it?

No, I can't.

I tried to warn you, Alex.

-We're cancelling every contract that's in breach.

-In breach?

I have the crushed PowerBook.

I'm sorry, darling.

If you put as much energy into your work as you do into excuses, you might have made the deadline.

-Do you have the shark?

-Yes, we do.

Excellent. I'm going to have that, no bones.

COUGHING

Hi.

How do you feel?

Like I'm knocking on death's door.

Well, look who's here.

Come in, both of you.

Hi, Mrs Connelly.

-Happy Thanksgiving.

-Oh, thank you.

-How are you?

-Oh, I'm grand.

But how are the two of you?

You look rather sallow.

No, no. We're fine.

-We brought you some popcorn.

-Oh.

Oh, how lovely. I adore popcorn.

So does Little Dick.

So, did you have a nice Thanksgiving dinner?

Oh, yes, dear. That lovely Italian lady in the post office brought me a sumptuous dinner.

The only problem is some of the carcass didn't go down the disposal.

That's cos you don't have a disposal.

I don't?

It's really stuffed up.

All right!

If you ask me, you two have got some sort of bug.

Thank God Officer Dan took me to have a flu shot last week.

Upchuck is a delicacy for Little Dick.

He's salivating.

-How much can we get, Kenneth?

-That depends on how far you're willing to drop the price.

First of all, you way overpaid.

-And then you got that tenant.

-You said she was a sweet old lady.

Oh, I can't imagine those words coming out of my mouth.

-So you're saying that we're stuck in this hellhole?

-Yeah.

Unless you're willing to take a huge, huge loss.

-How huge?

-Huge, huge.

We're just totally screwed, right?

Yeah.

I would say screwed is apt.

Do you think that Jean would ever give you a second chance?

No. No, it's over.

How could I have time to rewrite my novel and do my faithful servant duty

to her as her little indentured servant person, her little butt boy? I mean, I got a lot of duties.

Cos she might need me to count grapes with her

or help her fix her heater or go take her to the laundry.

Or I got to go help her clean her banana skins

and I got to go help her clean out her garbage

or I've got to go help her fill her monthlies out, or wipe her ass!

God forbid she should have any shit hanging off her ass!

-Alex...

-No. Really. Cos then I got to run up there like a little bunny

and I have to go up there with my little tissue and I got to go wipe her little ass.

And then I have to go, "Oh, good for you, Mrs Connelly,

"You got some poopy on your diapie?

-"Ooh, let me go and clean it off with my tongue!"

-Excuse me, sir.

-I mean, enough is enough!

-Excuse me.

Off we go, Dickey boy.

OK. OK, come on. We don't have that much time.

I know. She's running errands. That only gives us 12 hours.

You, there. Me, there.

A little salt in her sugar bowl.

Hey, come check this out!

Roger.

-Alex?

-Tripped on the rug. I'm all right.

You sure you know what you're doing?

-Yeah, I rewired the lamp in your office.

-Cool.

Cos if the shock doesn't get her, a little bit of gas poisoning should.

Out goes pilot one.

Out goes pilot two.

An hour at 375 ought to do it.

Did you remember to blow out

-the pilot for the oven?

-Oh.

-Honey.

Alex.

The stain is dripping on us.

I know.

Isn't it soothing?

-Alex.

-Hi. We got a water stain downstairs, so I got to look at the pipes.

What in God's name's happened to your face?

Oh, I just fell asleep in one of those tanning machines. I'm OK.

You look like a roast mutton.

How are you doing, mutton head?

I'm almost done.

Ah!

On the average, she gets up to change the channel 19 times a night walking this 48-inch footpath.

By the time she gets to the end of that Hawaii Five-O marathon next week,

-the acid should have eaten through the floorboards.

-And we'll finally be happy.

It wasn't our fault, Officer Dan. Find the plumber.

-He's the one that fixed the pipes.

-Right?

-Right.

THEY LAUGH

You know, we might want to get a hotel room this weekend, just in case.

Sweetie, now that we have a hole in the ceiling, I thought maybe

-it could be a new place for the staircase to go.

-Yeah. Looks good.

Where are you going?

A little insurance.

Alex, no! Not Mr Peacock.

Honey, Mr Peacock's going to have to take one for the team, OK?

MUFFLED MUSIC PLAYS

That's it.

She's watching Riverdance. I didn't know people still watched Riverdance.

You know, this is actually harder than it looks.

Holy Mary and Joseph!

I could have fallen right through.

The floorboards here, they're rotten to the core.

A while back she hired this Russian guy to fix the pipes.

And I don't know if you noticed, but there's all this water damage that he left.

With all due respect to Mr D, Alex,

you were up here yourself fiddling with me pipes a few days ago.

Fiddling with her pipes, huh? Now, that's another fine right there.

-For what?

-You can't plumb without a license in New York City.

PLUMB? I can't PLUMB?

Are you sassing me, Mr Rose?

He's not sassing you.

Yeah, no, I'm not sassing you.

-I'm not.

-I didn't think so.

Cos I know a city building inspector that eats chickenshit slumlords like you for lunch.

-You got it?

-I get it. You know, slumlord...

And you're going to buy Mrs Connelly a brand new TV.

In fact, Miss Connelly,

-I'm going to pick it out myself.

-Oh! Could you get one of those clappy things?

It makes my viewing so much easier.

Smoke. Smoke, smoke.

-Loot, loot.

-Gun?

-What?

Gun.

-Gun?

-Gun?

So this is what it's come to?

I guess so.

I don't think I've ever held a gun be...

-Aah!

-Aah!

I think I've got everything I need here. We've got an unlicensed gun charge,

-and then pending an investigation...

-It was an accident.

It's my experience that wives don't accidentally shoot their husbands in the penis.

And as much as this particular man might deserve it, spousal abuse

is a very serious crime in this state.

You two have a good night.

He thinks you're abusing me.

Well, you did shoot me.

You're very lucky.

Your hand deflected the bullet away from the tissue of the actual organ and just nicked the scrotum.

What about the, you know,

the berries?

Oh.

MUSIC: "Sexual Healing" by Marvin Gaye

You feel that?

Yes. Mm-hmm.

That's good. OK. I'm going to run a few more tests, but I think you should be out of here by tomorrow.

Poor Mr Peabody.

He took one for the team.

-I just think that we're going about this murder thing all wrong.

-You think?!

Maybe we should just keep it simple.

-This is so NOT simple.

-Yeah, but you know she triple locks the front door at night.

A little more, a little more. OK.

Where is she?

Maybe she's in her chair.

You caught me.

I can't help but sneak a fag once in a blue moon.

We...

We thought that you might be cold, so we brought you an extra pillow.

Oh, such consideration.

So unlike the other landlords.

Many have passed through the dwelling below,

but I just know you two have come to stay.

Officer Dan put in me new television.

52 inches.

And he gave me these noise boxes, there and by me chair.

So it's like I'm in the cinema.

Oh, it's going to be so wonderful here.

You two lovelies...

me...

Officer Dan.

We're going to be one big, happy family.

The Irish have a saying that it's unlucky to come in one door and go out of another.

Something to do with the dead.

Evil spirits and the like.

Good night, now.

Do you know what, dears?

I think I've enough warmth...

as it is.

Night.

That was, without question, the weirdest seven minutes of my life.

SOMEONE CLAPS

LOUD MUSIC PLAYS

Captain Connelly battled waves twice the size of that!

Didn't he, Little Dick?

We're just going to be one big, happy family!

Is it us?! Are we doing such a bad job of trying to kill her?!

It's not our fault! She's a freak of nature!

-Hey! I thought you were supposed to get rid of these.

-I did!

-It's strange. I don't know how that got there.

-Yeah, right.

Ass Patrol!

Hand me that Ass Patrol.

Now, depending on her mood, she could be watching TV over here or sneaking a cigarette over there.

I realise this is just horribly cluttered.

When we get in there, we're going to go for a cleaner look.

-Nancy?

-What?

-It's...

Sorry.

What's the easiest way into this hag's place?

Well, we found the...

..dumbwaiter to be rather effective.

Yeah, and you really don't have to pull that hard to climb it.

You know, we could even leave the back door open for you.

So, Chick, how much is this going to set us back?

25K.

Oh... Tw... OK. Cos we had had a slightly different figure

in our heads.

We were thinking maybe something a little closer to, like...

..half a K.

The bottom-line price for wet work is 25,000.

OK.

When do you think you could do it?

I'll do it Thursday night.

-Christmas Eve?

-Yeah.

I got a little function. Then I'll swing by and get it done.

Put the cash in the dumbwaiter. Got it?

-Got it.

-OK.

-Cool.

-Don't forget your computer.

-Thank you so much.

Good night.

OK, now all we need is 25,000.

'Piper grabbed the leash of the only partner he'd ever known,

'and the private eye and his Jack Russell headed downtown.

'I guess it's just one of those things worth killing for, huh?'

APPLAUSE

We'll take a break and come back for some Q&A.

Dental surgery.

25,000?!

The thing is, with Nancy losing her job, and with the mortgage and now with me

losing my book contract, things have gotten desperate, and I wouldn't even be asking if it wasn't serious.

-Did you get the money?

-No. He didn't think I needed it.

But I did get a nice, new, signed first edition for my collection.

He wrote it in four days. Want to know how?

Listen to this.

Let's see. OK. "Her hair was bright yellow like the colour of your pee after you take a multivitamin".

It's a nice metaphor, asshole!

Stupid, freaking asshole!

I hate you and your stupid Don Piper mystery

and your stupid pregnant wife who's going to have a little baby

that has a freaking six-pack because its mother never eats!

Honey.

Honey, we're going to get that money.

How?

How are we going to get 25,000 in two days?

MUSIC: "Jingle Bells"

# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas... #

No.

Not Mr Peacock.

# Take a look in the five and ten

# Glistening once again

# With candy canes and silver lanes aglow

# It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

# Toys in every store

# But the prettiest sight to see

# Is the holly that will be

# On your own front door. #

DOOR CREAKS

BUZZER RINGS

# Jingle bells jingle bells Jingle all the way

# Oh what fun it is to ride

# In a one-horse open sleigh hey!

# Jingle bells jingle bells

# Jingle all the way

# Oh what fun... #

Merry Christmas!

That's good, kids. Now, you save those voices for the neighbours, OK?

Officer Dan, what a pleasant surprise.

What can we do for you?

I have some holiday cookies I want to take up to Miss Connelly.

Oh, OK. Oh, that's nice.

-No. I'll take them up myself.

-I'll bring them up for you.

If you don't mind...

I don't...

I don't think she's even up there.

She's not, so you should just leave it at the door.

Ow!

Hey! Cut that out.

Stop it.

Hey! Stop it!

What the heck is going on? There are kids here.

I knew there was domestic abuse in this house.

I'm going to come back in ten minutes. Come on, kids. Let's go.

Good save.

MACAW SQUAWKS

I knew they'd send a pro.

Aah!

Aah! You shot me!

I've got you, you brute!

-Who are ya, bringing a knife to a gunfight?

-Let go of me!

-What's he doing?

-He's doing his job.

If you want to dance with me, you've got to buy me a drink first.

Ow! OW!

Is that smoke?!

Ow. Ah!

Get off me, you crazy bitch!

-Wait, wait.

-What? What?

-You all right? OK?

-Yeah.

-Where's Little Dickey?

-Dickey, Dickey.

Here you go. Here, here.

Oh, Dick. Dickey.

Hello.

-Never thought you had it in you.

-Thank God, I bought that fire extinguisher.

We were just trying to help her out.

-Her and Little Dickey.

-I'll just write this citation up for electricity.

Thank you. Thanks.

Believe it or not, I need two more autographs, and that will be it.

So how's the new place?

-It's cute.

-I'll tell you, the Bronx is an up and coming borough.

You didn't lie, Kenneth.

-It all looks incredible.

-I told you they'd fix it up, didn't I?

-Friedmans, meet Alex and Nancy.

-Hi.

-Hey.

-We can't thank you enough.

This is just a dream house. It's so quiet.

Honey, won't this be perfect for your sleep disorder?

-I'm drowsy already.

-Hey, who wants to run upstairs and say hello?

Well, we should get going.

-We should. We have to...

-Nonsense!

You pulled the woman out of a burning building.

You'd break her heart if you didn't take a moment to say goodbye. Come on!

Mrs Connelly, I brought you a surprise!

Mrs Connelly!

The hearing on this one.

Look who's here. She's asleep.

Sweetheart.

She's stiff as a board.

No. She's just hard of hearing.

Mrs Connelly!

She's dead.

Oh, poor thing.

No. She can't be dead.

I guess it was just her time.

Come on, I'll call the Friedmans.

You don't have to stay here for this. You've done enough. Come.

Come, come, come.

Must have been all the excitement.

I can't believe it.

She was so full of life.

I mean...

for all our differences, that old lady really had a lot of...

spunk.

A LOT of it.

Do you think she's up in heaven?

Well, I'll tell you something.

Wherever she is,

she's in a better place.

You should have seen their faces when I said she was a goner.

I thought they were going to faint right there on spot.

I wish I could have been there.

Trust me. It wasn't easy holding me breath all that long.

Next time, I want a bigger cut of your commission, Kenny.

What are you talking about? We give you everything, Ma.

There's barely enough left for Danny and I to have a cruise to the Caribbean.

-I'm the one putting me caboose on the line.

-Oh, come on.

You had it easy with Alex and Nancy.

They were a nice couple. I do hope they'll be all right.

Ah, they'll be fine.

He's a writer. They thrive on adversity.

I hope his next book is better than his last one.

Maybe this time he'll write about something he knows.

Alex and Nancy's dream house may have been too good to be true.

But did they live happily ever after?

Well, read the book.

TWO CLAPS

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

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