Eurotrip

This film contains very strong language.

MUSIC: "My Generation" by Chapeaumelon

-# Des gens tendent de nous descendre

-# Parlons de ma generation

-# Car on veut se faire entendre

-# Parlons de ma generation

-# On nous dit indifferents

-# Parlons de ma generation

-# J'espere partir avant de pourrir

-# Parlons de ma generation

# Ma generation Ma generation, baby

-# Veuillez tous nous foutre la paix

-# Parlons de ma generation

-# Et n'essayez pas de nous saisir

-# Parlons de ma generation

# Je ne prends pas une cause pour vous etonner

# Parlons de ma generation

-# Je veux parler de ma g-g-generation

-# Parlons de ma generation

# Ma generation Ma generation, baby

-# Veuillez tous nous foutre la paix

-# Parlons de ma generation

-# Et n'essayez pas de nous saisir

-# Parlons de ma generation

# Je ne prends pas une cause pour vous etonner

# Parlons de ma generation

-# Je veux parler de ma generation

-# Parlons de ma generation

# Ma generation Ma generation, baby

# Ma, ma, ma generation

# Ma, ma, ma generation

# Ma, ma, ma generation

# Ma, ma, ma generation

-# Des gens tendent de nous descendre

-# Parlons de ma generation

-# Car on veut se faire entendre

-# Parlons de ma generation

# Ma generation Ma generation, baby

# Ma, ma, ma generation

# Ma, ma, ma generation

-# Ca, c'est ma generation

-# Parlons de ma generation

-# Parlons de ma generation

-# Ma generation

# Ma generation, baby

# Ma, ma, ma generation

# Ma, ma, ma generation

# Ma, ma, ma generation

# Ma, ma, ma generation. #

-Congratulations, Hudson High class of 2004.

-CHEERING

ALL CHEER

# I know it's been a long time

# You've lost that look in your eye... #

-Fiona.

-# The one that told me

-# Everything was fine... #

-Bye.

-Hey.

-Hey!

-Agh!

-Congratulations, graduate.

-Thanks, baby.

-And congratulations to you, Cooper.

-Aww, thanks, baby.

-Nice try.

-OK, I'll see you at Wade's party tonight?

-See you then.

-All right.

So, just you and me for the entire summer.

Next year you graduate, join me at college. It's just like we planned.

-Scott, we need to talk.

-Yeah? About what?

About me dumping you.

-Huh?

-There he is. The graduate and his beautiful girlfriend. OK?

Smile, you two.

-Action.

-Dad, Mom, Grandma, Uncle Moke,

er, I'm gonna need a minute here, OK? What do you mean you're dumping me?

Scott, I just can't take all the lying and cheating on each other.

What are you talking about? Sweetie, I never cheated on you.

-I know. That's what makes this so hard.

-You're looking good, you guys.

Scottie, it's not you.

It's me.

There I go, lying again. No, it was you.

-You're just so...predictable.

-Smile.

CAMERA CLICKS So, that's it?

Here's your letter jacket back. Goodbye!

This isn't mine.

She's a keeper, huh? Oh, wow.

Oh, my God.

Fiona!

WEEPS

Let's see that again.

-'Fiona!'

-This is just so brutal

and yet I can't look away. Bert, play it again. Come on.

'Fiona!' Bert, get out of here.

-LAUGHS: OK, see ya, Coop.

-All right. Stay black, Bert.

-LAUGHS:

-Fiona!

-'Mail, Motherfucker!'

-Hey, I got one from Mike.

"Happy Herzlichen."

You still writing him? Thought it was just for German class.

Er, yeah, it was at first but we're becoming pretty good friends.

He's a really cool guy. Dear Mike.

-Greeting from your American pen pal.

-Scotty, girl scouts have pen pals.

Listen to yourself, all right?

You met a cool guy on the internet.

This is how these sexual predators work. Next thing you know,

he'll wanna arrange a meeting where he will gas you

and stuff you in his van and make a wind chime from your genitals.

-LAUGHS

-Come on, let's go to Wade's.

-All right.

Screw it. Let's go. I'm not gonna let Fiona ruin my graduation night.

Auf wiedersehen, Mike.

SCREAMING, CHEERING

ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

-Hey. What's up, losers?

-What's up, Jenny?

-What's up, dude?

-Sorry to hear about Fiona. She's a whore.

-That's very sweet of you.

Enough Fiona talk. Look around. There's gotta be 100 drunk girls

-and we should try to have sex with all of them.

-Hello? Mixed company.

-What?

-I'm a girl.

-No, you're not.

-You're just a cool guy with long hair.

-Where's your evil twin brother?

-Jenny!

-Oh, there he is.

Hey, Jamie. In fine form, I see.

Why did you get me gin and tonic? I hate gin.

-You do?

-You guys are the worst twins ever.

ALL: Go! Go! Go! ALL CHEER

-So, when are you guys taking off?

-Tomorrow morning.

-Hey, Wade!

Great party, buddy. MUFFLED CRIES

Man, I am so excited. A whole summer backpacking round Europe.

You really should have come instead of working for Dr Dad, Scotty!

-Oh, it's gonna be so awesome!

-Yeah!

I have planned every detail of the trip to maximise the fun.

-You brought a guidebook to a party?

-Do you wanna see my itinerary?

-Do you wanna see my balls?

-Have you decided where you're gonna go first?

Paris! I can't wait. I heard two years ago

Nicky Jager's sister, Debbie, met this wealthy French guy

and sailed the Mediterranean on his yacht.

Isn't that the most romantic thing you've ever heard?

Stuck on a boat with a weird French guy?

-That sounds a little gay.

-It's not gay. I'm a girl.

-And you're gay.

-So gay. All right, I gotta piss like a pregnant woman.

Hey, listen up. I've got a little special thing do to tonight.

I'm gonna play a little song for you

about the nastiest, freakiest little sex puppet I know.

Fiona.

ALL CHEER

This one's for you, baby. Happy anniversary.

ALL CHEER

# Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me

# Do it in my van every Sunday

# She tells him she's in church but she doesn't go

# Still she's on her knees And Scotty doesn't know

# Oh, Scotty doesn't know

# So don't tell Scotty

#Scotty doesn't know, Scotty doesn't know... #

And we'll be just as popular in college as in high school.

We will be. I know.

Who needs more Chablis?

-Candy, do you wanna come with?

-No, I'll stay here.

There's your R rating right there.

-Whoops!

-Agh!

-LAUGHS:

-Holy cow!

Oh, this isn't where I parked my car.

# I can't believe he's so trusting

# While I'm right behind you thrusting

# Cos Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know... #

-Cooper Harris, you're a pig.

-Wait, Candy, you should clean that off.

Clean what off?

You've got a little something on you.

Where?

Like...there.

It's like a smudge or something.

Where?!

Like... It's like dirt or something. Just go like this.

Is it off?

No. Keep rubbing it.

# I did her on his birthday Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know

BOTH: # Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know

# So don't tell Scotty, Scotty doesn't know... #

Mm-hm. Mm-hm.

-No, it's just not coming off.

-What is it?

It may be tree sap or something. Try pinching it.

No, it's just not coming off. I'll tell you what.

Lick your fingers, get some saliva going.

Like this?

Yeah.

Again, not enough saliva.

Is it off yet?!

OK, I'll do it. Come here.

Oh, my God! Candy!

-GASPS:

-Cooper!

Hey. This isn't where I parked my car.

Agh!

-# Scotty doesn't know... #

-AGGHHHHHH!

# Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know... #

Hey.

-ALL CHANT: Scotty doesn't know! Scotty doesn't know!

-This band rocks!

Yeah!

TRICKLING

TOILET FLUSHES

'Mail, Motherfucker!'

Hey, Mike. "Dear Scott,

"I was very sad to hear about your lady woman Fiona dumping you.

"Since you no longer have a girlfriend maybe I could come to America

"and we could get to know each other better. Perhaps we could...

"zussamen".

What the fuck is this "zussamen"?

"Arrange a meeting." No, no, no, come on. Cooper was right.

This guy wants to have sex with me. Erm...

listen, Mike,

I don't want to arrange any meetings with you,

you sick German freak.

So please keep your hands off of my genitals

and never write to me again and don't come to America. Goodbye.

COMPUTER BEEPS

CRASHING: Ow.

I'm never drinking again.

That's nice.

-Bert, what are you doing?

-Reading your emails.

Don't do that.

-Why are you wearing my bathrobe?

-Oh, I'm sorry,

but somebody pissed all over mine last night.

Wow. Can't believe this German chick wants to come and hook up with you.

I don't think so, buddy. Mike's a guy.

Erm, no. It says right here, "trauriges madchen."

I was a sad girl to hear about Fiona. Fucking A, Scott.

I'm taking Intro To German and even I know that.

Come here. He sent me a picture, retardo.

See? That's a picture of Mike and that's his cute cousin, Jan.

No, retardo, that's "Yan", a man's name

and that's not Mike, it's "Me-ka", a common German girl's name

similar to our Michelle. I hope you wrote back and told her to visit.

You didn't? You thought she was a guy!

-I'm getting the video camera!

-LAUGHS

-What a asshole.

-No.

No.

NOOOOOOOOOO!

COMPUTER BEEPS

Address blocked? Email not delivered. No.

COMPUTER BEEPS No, come on!

Hey, Mom made waffles. What's going on?

I'm in love with my pen pal.

I'm in love with Mike.

OK. OK.

You know what? I was actually expecting this.

And frankly, I am flattered you picked me to come out to first.

And don't worry about telling your folks cos, er,

-I think they already know.

-No, you idiot. Mike is a girl.

No, no, I get it. He's the girl, you're the girl.

Sometimes you're both the girl.

Right? Right? That's hot.

But, y'know, whatever works for you. I'm not gonna judge it.

Will you stop? Look. Look at this picture.

-Wow, who's the hot chick?

-That's Mike. I mean "Me-ka".

That's Mike, who you've been writing to all this time?

Until last night when I took your advice

and told her to keep her hands off my genitals.

Given what we know now, that seems like the opposite of what you want.

-This is a total disaster.

-Oh, come on, it's not that bad.

-Though she is really hot.

-Listen, I don't even care what she looks like.

Mike and I, we had this incredible bond.

-I told her things I couldn't even tell you.

-Like what?

-Nothing. It's a figure of speech.

-No, seriously, what?

-Nothing.

-The point is...

-You like me better.

-Listen. This girl is not only smart

and funny and stunningly beautiful but until I screwed it up,

-she wanted to come to America just to be with me.

-So do something about it.

What can I do? She blocked her email, her phone number's not listed.

-The only thing I know is that she lives in Berlin.

-So go to Berlin.

I can't just go to Berlin, Coop.

-Why not?

-Because! I just can't, OK?

I'm working for my dad. It'll look good on my med school application.

Oh, Jesus, Scotty. Man, Fiona was right. You're so predictable.

-I'm going to Germany.

-No. WE'RE going to Germany.

# Real wild one

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah... #

-How are we going to get to Germany?

-Don't worry. I've got it covered.

-We're going to be couriers?

-It's the best way to get a cheap flight.

All we have to do is carry their packages and drop them off.

-My cousin did it when he went to India.

-Yeah?

Of course, he ended up using a public restroom in New Delhi

and, er, they had to cut off his leg, y'know. But he got there cheap.

-That's what I'm saying.

-OK, I don't have anything to Germany for a week.

But I can get you both to London today for 118.

-Anything else?

-Europe is the size of the Eastwood Mall.

-We can walk to Berlin from there.

-Cooper, England's an island.

OK, swim. Whatever. We'll take it.

MUSIC: "Are You Gonna Be My Girl?" by Jet

# Be my girl Be my girl

# Are you gonna be my

# Girl, yeah? #

-Hey.

-Mm.

-Thanks for coming with me.

-I know you had that internship at the law firm.

-Forget the law firm.

And don't thank me. I should be thanking you.

This trip is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me

-to broaden my sexual horizons.

-What are you talking about?

-I'm talking about crazy European sex.

-Ah.

-You know America was founded by prudes.

-Mm.

Prudes who left Europe because they hated all the kinky, steamy

European sex that was going on.

Now I, Cooper Harris, will return to the land of my perverted forefathers

and claim my birthright which is a series of erotic

and sexually challenging adventures.

-You've really thought a lot about this, haven't you?

-It's my passion.

# In the city there's a thousand faces all shining bright

# In the city In the city

# And those golden faces are under 25... #

Come on! Come on!

-Welcome to jolly old England.

-Yeah.

-Breathe that sweet, sexy, European air.

-PHONE RINGS

-Oh.

-What is that?

-Er, it's the phone they gave me at the law firm.

-Yeah, it's pretty neat, huh? Works anywhere.

-Yeah?

-Yeah.

Excuse me. Cooper here.

Hello, Mr Walters. Er, yes, sir, I'm down at file storage.

Just hang on one second.

No, sir, I can't find the Goodman file anywhere.

Yes, sir, I'll keep looking. No, I don't rest until I find it.

Didn't tell your boss you were leaving the country?

-They would've stopped paying me.

-Right.

-It seemed easier.

-So, where to?

-Er, I dunno. First bus to Berlin

doesn't leave till tomorrow. What do you wanna do? Tower of London,

Buckingham Palace?

-Er...

-There's no drinking age.

-There you go!

Hey, the Fiesty Goat! LAUGHS

All right! What do you wanna...

Soccer hooligans.

Hey, this isn't where I parked my car.

Oi! Who the bloody hell are you?

This is a private member's bar exclusively for

the supporters of the greatest football team in the world,

Manchester United.

Now, please, enlighten me. WHO THE FUCK ARE YA?

That is a good question and, Scotty...

Huh?

We're the Manchester United fan club...

-..from Ohio.

-If you're Manchester United supporters,

sing the Manchester United song.

Excuse me, I'm sorry. I'm not much of a singer.

-AGH! SING!

-# My baby takes the morning train

# He works from nine to five and then

# He takes another home again

# To find me... #

..watching the Manchester United football team!

Huh?! The best freaking team in all the land. Whoo-hoo!

Pretty good.

-Pretty damn good, lads!

-ALL CHEER

Agh!

MUSIC: "Morning Train" by Sheena Easton

# My baby takes the morning train

# He works from nine till five and then

# He takes another home again

ALL: # To find me waiting for him

# He's always on that morning train.. #

I've unblocked your email address.

Bloody Scott. He's not responding.

He was the one.

I was going to give myself to him.

Perhaps you should give yourself to someone else.

Fraulein.

Whoo!

I'm never drinking again.

-Coop, wake up.

-Oh, man, that was a wild night.

You think?

# England five Germany one

# Michael Owen is number one

# England five Germany one... #

Scotty, where the hell are we going?

Don't worry. If anything bad happens, my parents will find us.

-Honey, where's Scotty?

-Cooper said they were going camping.

Oh. That's nice.

-Where's Bert?

-Fucked if I know.

# Beckenbauer and Voller thought they'd seen it all... #

Hey! How are ya?

Look, given the current geo-political climate,

all Europeans countries should have a seat at the table.

Except those fuckin' Eyeties. I hate them Italian bastards.

-You know what I mean?

-Excuse me.

-Hello, boyo!

-So, what the hell happened last night?

-You got steamed up,

pissed as a fart. Too much sauce, son.

Don't worry. I come and got ya so you wouldn't miss the trip.

-What trip? Where are we going?

-What do you mean where are we going?

We're going to see the mighty Reds do the frogs in Paris! Aren't we, boys?

ALL: Yeah!

Why are you yelling at me?

So I tell the swamp donkey to sack it

before I give her a tonk in her tradesman's entrance

-and have her lick me yarbles!

-LAUGHS

Wow. You guys are on a completely different level of swearing here.

-Cooper. Cooper, we're going to Paris.

-I know. Cecil told me.

Mieke's in Berlin. We're not going to Berlin.

-What are we gonna do? We need a plan.

-See? This is predictable Scotty.

Relax! Paris is practically a suburb of Berlin. It's a nothing commute.

-This is why France and Germany have always been allies.

-Allies.

The twins. The twins were in Paris, right? We'll give them a call.

-They can help us. Give me your phone.

-OK, but I'm only supposed to use it

for business calls. I only...

# Guinness boys, we are here

# Oh-oh, oh-oh

# Guinness boys, we are here

# Oh-oh, oh-oh

# Guinness boys, we are here... #

-Come on!

-HORN BLARES

Wrong side of the road, you snail-eating puffs!

Fuck off! Go on, you fucking garlic-breath tossers!

Piss off! Get in here and say that, you froggy shites!

-HORN BLARES

-We'll beat you, bastard, all over your fucking nose!

-Get out of the way! Piss off!

-ALL CHANT

Hey, lads! That wanker's got a frog football shirt on.

Let's give this nancy a fucking good kicking! Come on, lads!

-It's going off. AGGHHHHH!

-ALL YELL

All right, the twins said they'd meet us here.

Hey, there they are. Come on. Jenny!

-Jamie. BOTH:

-Hey!

-Come here.

-No. No, no, no!

-Bienvenue a Paris!

-Thank you. What is that? A new camera?

This isn't just a camera, this is a Leica M7.

Uber-sensitive exposure settings, legendary cloth shutter system.

-Let me see that thing.

-No can do.

I spent four years tutoring lacrosse just to pay for it

-so nobody touches my camera but me.

-So it's like your weener?

-No, it's not like my... Jenny.

-Cooper!

Leave him alone. I can't believe you came all the way to Europe

-for a girl.

-Oh, wait, no, not just any girl. Show her the picture.

She makes every girl in our school look like a walrus.

-I'M a girl from your school.

-No, I mean girl girls.

Guys, we're wasting the day here. We're in Paris!

-Let's go to the Louvre.

-ALL: To the Louvre!

# Disparition de ma foi

# Prier, crier Je dois faire ca pour esperer la retrouver

# Disparition de ma foi... #

OLD-FASHIONED FRENCH MUSIC PLAYS

# Disparition de ma foi... #

So, you guys wanna stay here or should we check out the huge line

-at the Eiffel Tower?

-Here's a fun fact.

Voltair contracted syphilis just two blocks from here! Shall we go?

Can we please just get out of here? This guy's really creeping me out.

Who, robot man? He's just trying to feed his robot family.

-I really don't like him.

-Why? Is it cos he's doing this?

-MAKES WHIRRING NOISE

-All right. OK, seriously, don't do that.

ROBOTIC VOICE: Cooper, do not hate me. MAKES WHIRRING NOISE

ROBOTIC VOICE: I know 600 dance moves and am programmed to get...

..freaky.

Oh, you're just upset because people like me better. It's OK.

Oh.

Fight, fight!

Sweep the ledge, Scott!

Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

Don't look in his eyes, Scotty!

-ALL: Ohh!

-That was not cool!

-Ha, ha, ha. Ha, ha, ha.

GROWLS

-Agh!

-Agh!

ALL: Ooh!

ALL APPLAUD Come on, guys, let's go. Come on.

How cool is this?

It's a shame we only get to spend one day together.

-Why don't you guys come to Berlin with us?

-Erm, no.

Jamie, come on. In a few months we go off to different colleges.

This could be the last chance the four of us are together like this.

Plus, we're in Europe! Huh? It should be the trip of a lifetime.

There's no way that we should split up. This table is now Europe, OK?

We are right here in Paris

and I have got to get to Mieke who is over here in Berlin.

And, Jamie, if you come, I'm sure there's a ton of great stuff

-you can see along the way.

-We can go to Denmark.

-I love Denmark.

-We've gotta hit Amsterdam.

-Definitely.

And the cathedral at Camaret.

-Yeah, maybe. Whatever.

-Maybe. We'll see.

-If there's time.

-Come on! I really want you to be there when I meet Mieke.

-Fine.

-Excellent!

-All right! A toast.

-A toast.

-Yes.

-To Mieke.

-To Europe.

-ALL: To Europe!

Merci. Berlin, here we come!

-All right.

-Oh, you better let me hold onto those.

-What the hell is that?

-It's a traveller's money belt.

As long as you have one if these, no-one can rob you of anything.

-Except your dignity.

-No, you just put that in your... Wait, what?

Come on, guidebook.

Check it out. European ass.

What's up?

Oh, Jesus, Jenny, I thought you were some...girl. Platform four.

Thanks.

Damn.

I believe this is yours.

Pleased to meet you. My name is Christoph.

-Jenny, let's go!

-Come on! Move it!

Those are my friends.

-We're supposed to get on a train to Berlin...

-Jenny!

I'm coming! So, it was really nice to meet you.

The pleasure was all mine... Jennifer.

# Wam! Bam! Mon chat, splatch Git sur mon lit a bouffe sa langue

# En buvant dans mon whisky quant a moi peu dormi

# Vide, brime, j'ai du dormir dans la gouttiere ou j'ai eu un flash

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh En quatre couleurs

# Ca plane pour moi

# Ca plane pour moi

# Ca plane pour moi, moi, moi, moi, moi

# Ca plane pour moi

# Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh... #

# Scotty doesn't know that Fiona and me

# Do it in my van on Sundays

# Tells him she's at... # What?

You gotta admit, it's a really catchy tune.

BOTH: # Tells him she's in church but she doesn't go

Still she's on her knees ALL: # And Scotty doesn't know

-ALL: # Scotty doesn't know... #

-Buon giorno.

Buon giorno.

You know, there are a lot of other empty compartments.

Huh? Ah! Si. Si.

-Pardon me.

-Huh?

Oh. Excuse.

Excuse.

Oh. Ow!

-Hi.

-Buon giorno.

Wh... What the hell are you doing?

Scusi! Scusi!

-No! No, no, no, no, no!

-Scusi! Scusi! Scusi!

-Uh-oh.

-What?

Big tunnel.

# Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening

# I need some hot stuff, baby

# God, I need your love tonight... #

ALL: Whoa!

Excuse.

Buon giorno.

Crans Sur Mer. We change trains here.

Well, we've got a couple of hours to kill,

what's there to see in this town?

Hello! The Monument!

It's a monument to all the local fisherman that were lost at sea.

Fromer says it's supposed to be... "quite moving."

What the hell is wrong with you, C-3P0?

We're here to see Europe, not some crappy statue.

I'm taking a nap. Wake me up when the train gets here.

Oh, says here this town has a famous nude beach.

All right, look, we can't just lie around all day.

We've got to go out and experience the culture first-hand.

Let's go exploring.

So, what's the etiquette on boners?

Do I roll over and dig out a hole for it

or is it cool to just let my flag fly?

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

Does "nude beach" mean we have to get naked, too?

Of course.

Do you think you can go an hour without your currency colostomy bag?

As long as this thing has our money and our passports in it,

it's not coming off.

I don't think my trunks are coming off, either.

Ah, come on, Jamie, you came all the way to Europe,

you can't wimp out now.

OK.

All right, on the count of three...

Here we go. Three. Two. One.

Ha-ha! Look at Jamie's penis!

Very funny. Very funny.

-All right. All right.

-CLEARS THROAT

Let the crazy European sex odyssey begin.

-Here we go.

-Really?

-BOTH: Yes.

ALL SCREAM: Hello ladies!

ALL: Huh? Ladies?

Bitches?

Eurgh! What a rip. There's no nude girls here!

It's just guys like us looking for nude girls.

I don't understand.

"Crans Sur Mer has one of the best nude beaches on the Continent.

"However...

"..during the summer months,

"all the European women are chased away by gawking male tourists,

"so Europe's most nubile exhibitionists

"head to the deserted beach right next to the monument."

Oui.

There's...so...many...penises.

Frommers tried to tell you but you just didn't listen.

This is the biggest sausage fest on earth.

It's the international house of sausage.

Hey!

Thanks for waiting(!)

You're not missing anything. It's all guys.

Huh. Least the sun's out.

# My dreams come true

# True, true, true...

# I made my dreams come true

# True, true, true

# My dreams come true... #

Holy crap!

What? I thought this was a nude beach.

-SLOW-MOTION:

-No-oo-oo-oo!

DOOF!

-No, Jenny, you've got to cover up!

-What are you doing?

-Cover up!

ALL CHANT IN TRANCE-LIKE STATE: Girls?

ALL: Girl... Girl...

Run!

SQUEALS

ALL CONTINUE TO CHANT

I'm not gonna make it! Go on without me!

All right. See ya.

SCREAMS

What, are you reading Mieke's old emails again?

Mmn-hmn. Yeah.

I have no idea what I'm going to say to that girl when I see her.

You know, she said I might be the one.

That's huge.

I've never been "the one" before.

I thought I was the one with Fiona but it turns out I was like, what,

101? 200. 200! BOTH LAUGH

Look, you've got nothing to worry about.

You'll show up and sweep her off her German feet.

Thanks.

Yeah...

I will, won't I?

I'm so sad and lonely.

I just wish someone would show up and sweep me off my German feet.

-Mieke, I'm here.

-Scottie!

Mieke, listen about that last email, I'm so sorry...

The past is the past. You are here now.

I've been saving myself for you.

Let us make love... for one whole month.

MUSIC: "Du" by David Hasselhoff

Touch me, Scottie.

OK.

Oh, Scottie...

..mi bello!

-Mi bello...

-COOS SOFTLY

-SEDUCTIVELY:

-Mi bello.

Mi bello.

Mi bello!

-Ah! Excuse!

-SCREAMS

ALL SCREAM

# Looking for some hot stuff, baby, this evening

# Got to have some hot stuff

# Got to have some love tonight

# Hot stuff... #

Our train doesn't leave until tomorrow morning.

Where we gonna sleep tonight?

What do you mean "sleep"? We can sleep on the train tomorrow.

This is the best thing that could've happened to us. We're in Amsterdam!

This is the drug and sex capital of Europe!

Take a look at this...

"Club Vandersexxx."

It's the red light district's hottest sex club.

We have to check it out. Who's with me?

I'll go.

Fine. Since no-one else is willing to go,

I'll just go myself.

MUSIC: "The Bad Touch" by The Bloodhound Gang

This is definitely where I parked my car.

Hello, there.

Welcome to Club Vandersexxx,

Amsterdam's most erotic club,

where your every fantasy will be fulfilled.

It also says I get a free T-shirt with flier.

He is American.

How sad for you to grow up in a country

that was founded by prudes.

A country overrun with crime and illiteracy.

A country where man is forced to make sex to only one woman at a time,

and one must learn the woman's name beforehand!

-It was horrible.

-I know!

But you can come with me.

Let the vandersexxx begin.

Ha!

REGGAE MUSIC PLAYS

I can't believe we're doing this!

Don't worry, hash brownies are totally legal here.

You're gonna enjoy these, man. These are magical.

# I love to smoke marijuana

# It gives me a deep medication... #

-You wanna do this?

-Yes.

-Uh-huh.

-Hi.

-Hi.

I need a new battery for my camera

and, while you're at it, it could use a thorough cleaning.

Wow. Is that a Leica M6?

Actually, it's an M7. It's got the built-in light meter.

It's so beautiful.

It's so sleek. So powerful.

How's the new lens system?

LAUGHS

Makes a Nikon look like a disposable.

You really know your cameras.

And you're very cute.

Me?!

Really?

I'm going on a break.

I was going to step out back and have a cigarette.

Would you like to join me?

I don't smoke.

Neither do I.

Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.

What is it?

This is great!

You're so innocent.

Let's change that, shall we?

What would you like me to do?

W-Well, I don't really know.

I-I guess I haven't really done that much.

Er, I haven't really found the time, with all my extra curriculars

and model UN, advanced placement classes,

-after school tutor...

-ZIP OPENS

..ing! Ah!

Gosh, you really like cameras!

Sometimes we find that our clients are so overwhelmed with the pleasure

that they sometimes scream out, "No!"

when really they mean, "Yes!"

Oh!

This is why we have the safe word.

The safe word?

If it any time the ecstasy gets too great,

you just use the safe word.

Until we hear the safe word,

we will not stop.

Yeah! Right! Stop! All right.

We're going to start slowly,

teasing you...

with a little light erotic foreplay.

-Whee!

-GIGGLES

-MOANS

-Yes, ladies!

Vandersexxx!

Hans! Rupert!

Hi.

So, a-are the g-girls coming back?

Administer the testicle clamps!

Huh? What?

Safe word.

What is that?! That's not a word!

That's a...floogen-koogen...

Floogen... Ow! Ow! Ow!

SCREAMS

MOANS

OK, mister, don't move.

-Excuse me?

-Shut the hell up.

Oh, brother, please don't hurt me.

Oh, no! No, you're fine. It's good.

Give me cash. You got cash? Give me cash.

Oh, take it all, you dirty girl!

What?!

Your wallet! Focus!

-Give it to me.

-MOANS ECSTATICALLY

Oh! I love you!

I love you! I lo...

Oh, I love you!

I loooove you!

GIGGLES UNCONTROLLABLY

GIGGLES LOUDLY

Ooh!

GIGGLES GIRLISHLY

What's so funny?

GIGGLES HEARD LOW-PITCHED

Hmn. I'm really hungry. I think I've got the munchies.

-Excuse me!

-Huh?

It's hot in here. You hot? I'm really hot.

Mmn! Good!

OK, I can't breathe! God! God! I'm freaking out!

I think we got a bad batch cos I'm freaking out!

I can't... I can't do this.

I saw a gay porno once.

I didn't know until halfway in.

The girls never came. The girls never came!

I'm freaking out! PANTS AND GASPS

-MONOTONE:

-Everything all right with you, man?

No! Nothing's all right.

You sold us a bad batch of hash brownies.

You're a bad, bad Rastafarian.

These are not hash brownies.

Hmn?

-What was that?

-We do not serve hash brownies here.

We a simple Dutch bakery!

Now put your clothes back on, white boy.

-Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow! Agh! Ooh!

-CYMBALS CHIME

Floogen-gengen-halen!

Did you say Flugelkremphengel?

Yes! Yes! For the love of God!

CYMBALS CEASES Are you sure?

Yes, please.

As you wish. SIGHS IN RELIEF

Bring on the Flugelkremphengel!

Wait! What?

Uh-oh.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

-I didn't say...

-DROWNED OUT BY WHIRRING

ATTEMPTS PRONUNCIATION

Agh...!

What'd you do last night?

I don't want to talk about it.

What did you guys do?

BOTH: Don't wanna talk about it.

What is that?

Free T-shirt.

Hey, guys!

What happened to you?

I got robbed.

It was awesome!

All our money! All our passports! Our tickets! Everything gone!

How the hell could this happen?

We all go to Amsterdam and Jamie's the one who hooks up!

For shame!

MOBILE RINGS

Oh, that's me.

Coop here. (Sorry.)

Hello, Mr Walters.

What do you mean you never got the Goodman file?

I told Humphrey to give it to you.

That's hogwash. I handed it to him myself yesterday.

I will tell Humphrey to report to your office immediately.

Goodbye.

-SIGHS:

-This job's killing me!

HORN HONKS

SPEAKS GERMAN

-Er...

-Er, let me handle this.

I speak bad German.

-What'd he say?

-He said he's driving. Some place.

-Berlin.

-Berlin!

He's going to Berlin. ALL: Awesome!

ALL: All right! Come on, let's go.

Next stop - Berlin!

GERMAN ROCK MUSIC

# Deutschland... #

Beautiful.

We made it to Berlin.

-Berlin!

-LAUGHS

-Bratislava?

-Yes.

Bratislava!

Dear sweet mother of God.

We're in Eastern Europe.

SNARLS

WHISTLES

Excuse me,

do you speak any English?

You are Americans?

Yeah.

-I love America!

-LAUGHS

We just get Miami "Wice" on television.

Hey man, Miami Wice is number one new show.

Yeah. Er, listen,

we're trying to get to Berlin, Germany.

Do you know if there's a train any time soon?

Oh, yes. Very soon.

They are building it now.

Stop! Hammer time!

Enjoy Bratislava.

It's good you came in summer.

In winter it can get very depressing.

We've got to figure something out.

How much money do we have?

Fromer's travel tip.

I don't have anything.

What? I got... Fine.

A dollar and 83 cents American.

What are we gonna get with that?

Gotta love that exchange rate!

Fine.

Hmm. They have less pulp.

Dinner is served.

Would masters care for anything else?

I think we're good. Thanks.

Oh, a nickel!

GASPS

You see this?

I quit!

I open my own hotel!

So we got 27 cents left.

What is there to do in this town?

TECHNO MUSIC PLAYS

Hey, this song sounds familiar.

Jenny, let me check your coat.

Hey.

Jenny, that outfit is horrible. Take it off now.

-GIGGLES:

-No. But I will let you buy me a drink.

Excuse me...

You are the woman from the Paris train station, aren't you?

-My name is...

-Christoph!

-LAUGHS: Yes.

-What are you doing here?

-This is my place.

My family owns many nightclubs throughout Europe.

I'd be honoured if you'd join me in my VIP room for a drink.

OK!

Bye, Cooper.

-What's that?

-It's Absinthe.

Fromer says it's illegal in the States

because it makes you hallucinate and go crazy.

They call it the green fairy.

My family has a yacht in the Aegean.

Come with me, Jenny! We will sail away together.

Oh, my God.

We will swim with dolphins and sip Champagne by moonlight.

Oh, my God.

We will spend the day sunbathing, drinking wine.

My wife makes the best sangria.

Wait! What?

Sangria. Well, you take a good Spanish rioja

and you put in slices of orange...

No, no, no! Wait! You said you were married?

So, you just go around Europe sleeping with everyone you meet.

No, please, Jennifer, it is not like that.

I also sleep with men.

I gotta say, I'm not feeling anything.

Me neither.

Sober as a judge.

How about you?

I'm not feeling a goddamn thing.

This Absinthe is bullshit.

I hear you, my brother.

I'm outta here!

Excuse me.

-Hey, so, where's Christoph?

-Shut up!

So, tomorrow Berlin!

Tomorrow Mieke.

Check it out.

No way! Jamie's hooking up with another girl!

Goddamn it!

I've been all over the place looking for crazy European sex

and he's the one who...

BOTH: Oh, my God!

That is some pretty fucked-up shit!

Can you say "What the fuck did I do last night?"

BOTH SCREAM

They really are the worst twins ever.

That was a pretty wild night, eh?

Yeah, pretty wild. Pretty wild.

I know I was out of control. How about you guys? Did you, er...

All right, look, we were really drunk,

things got a little crazy and Jamie...

kissed me.

Let's just forget about it, OK?

-Consider it forgotten.

-Never happened.

-Never happened.

-Fine.

Let's just forget about it.

It's not like you two had sex.

Have you had sex?

-Shut up, Cooper!

-Jamie, relax.

Cooper, please.

OK. Fine. I'll give it a rest.

-SIGHS

-Jamie, could I borrow your Frommers?

Oh, here it is - Bratislava.

Ah! Capital of Slovakia.

Oh, here's the fun facts...

You made out with your sister, man!

Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

CAR HORN BEEPS TUNE

My friends, where is the beef?

LAUGHS

You go to Berlin... I'm your ride. Hop in.

MUSIC: "99 Red Balloons" by Goldfinger

OK, this is Mieke's apartment building.

Wish me all sorts of luck, guys.

You'll do great, Scott.

I came all this way. I'm not gonna miss this.

-Dude, Mieke's hideous. Run!

-Stop.

Agathe. Ich mache das.

Ich mache das schon!

Sie konnen gehen. Ja.

Hi, my name's Scott Thomas. I'm from America and here to see Mieke.

I'm sorry but Mieke's not here.

-Do you know where she is?

-She's gone for the summer.

-Danke, Agathe.

-SHOUTS:

-Danke, Agathe!

Agathe, Sie konnen jetzt gehen.

My daughter had intended to spend the summer in America,

looking at colleges and visiting some friends

but several days ago she suddenly changed her mind.

She would not tell me why.

I think I know why.

-Heinrich, bitte hor auf.

-Ja, Papa.

This is Heinrich. He's Mieke's stepbrother.

As I was saying, she packed up her bag and left.

-It was all very sudden.

-Do you know where Mieke is now?

I don't know. She's always been very interested

in the classics. Greek and Roman literature and history

and she's always enjoyed the ocean so she found a programme

-that combines all her interests.

-Do you know where she is?

She enrolled in a summer at sea programme based in Rome.

Rome.

OK, then I guess we'll go to Rome, then.

Well, unfortunately Mieke's only in Rome for orientation.

Tomorrow her group will be boarding a boat and she'll be gone for summer

and she'll be quite unreachable.

Unreachable.

Mieke's tour group goes to the Vatican tomorrow then she's gone.

So, it's over?

Hey, thanks for sticking with me through all this, guys,

but I think you should probably call your parents.

Have them wire you some money and go home.

-What are you gonna do?

-I'm going to Rome.

I'll walk, I'll hitchhike, I'll swim if I have to

but I'm gonna get to Mieke somehow.

-Maybe that will help.

-Where did you get all that?

What. Where is your Leica?

-Sold it.

-What?

You sold your Leica.

But you loved that thing. What about your photo tour of Europe?

-What about the chateaux?

-Chateaux have been there for 300 years.

Mieke's gone in 12 hours.

Come on, let's go! You're supposed to check in three hours before.

Come here.

We're going to Rome!

# Be my girl

# Be my girl

# Are you gonna be my girl

# My girl

# Be my girl

# Are you gonna be my

# Girl, yeah! #

All right, group. Our tour begins in the Vatican museum.

This way, please.

There it is.

SPEAKS ITALIAN

This entrance is for private tour groups only.

Oh, but we are a private tour group. We've come all the way from America.

That guy in the orange jacket is mentally retarded.

I can tell.

-How very very sad.

-Yes, it is.

But if you are a tour, where is your guide?

We've got a fantastic tour guide. Right here.

The Vatican has been used as a papal residence

ever since the time of Emperor Constantine the Great

in the 5th century AD.

OK. If you'll all follow me, please.

Have a very special day

for a very special little man.

OK.

I can't believe that guy let us in. What a retard.

-OK. Let's go find Mieke.

-Excuse me!

One of our English speaking tour guides has called in sick.

Could you please take these people also?

-How big is Vatican city?

-Point five square kilometres.

-Who built the colonnade?

-Gian Lorenzo Bernini. 1656.

-Where are the bathrooms?

-Floors two, six and seven.

Next I'll take you to where the College of Cardinals elects a pope.

When this happens, white smoke is sent up from the Vatican...

Mieke's got to be around here somewhere. Let's go.

Behind me is the appartemento papale or papal apartment.

-We're obviously not permitted.

-Excuse me, miss.

What is this?

That is the bell of San Marco. When the pope dies,

the cardinal vicar rings this bell to notify the people of Rome.

Next we will view the Sistine Chapel. Follow me.

-What?

-I think I heard them.

-Which way did they go?

-That way. I'd stake my reputation on it.

-Good enough for me.

Hey, check it out. Wonder what this does?

It doesn't do anything, it's a rope. Come on, let's go.

They got a lot of old stuff here.

BELL RINGS

SPEAKS ITALIAN

The bell of San Marco.

The pope is dead!

Wow.

-She's not in here.

-Let's go. We're definitely not supposed to be here.

Hey, check this out.

-I'm the pope.

-Cooper. Take off the pope hat.

-Oh, no, it's OK. I'm Catholic.

-Cooper, take it off, Godammit!

You took the Lord's name in vain.

-Only I can forgive you now, my son.

-Take that fudging thing off.

-Cooper!

-It's a Hail Mary at the 40!

The 30, the 20, the 10. Touchdown, Pope!

Pope makes a two point conversion.

Oh, my Lord. It's the pope eight and the heathens, nothing!

Hell to you, sucker!

Cooper, the hat. The hat! The hat is on fire!

-We don't need the water, let the...

-I'm not kidding, look!

Oh, holy shit.

I don't want it. Fireplace! Fireplace! Go!

White smoke! They've elected the new pope!

I'm coming live from Vatican Square where the College of Cardinals

in a surprise move has just elected a new pope.

"The crowd is very excited."

This is so strange. Usually they wait 15 days to elect a new pope.

People, we're seeing history in the making!

We could be seeing an arrest in the making.

There she is. Mieke!

Stupid curtain!

Mieke!

It's the new pope!

What the hell?

Mieke!

Hold on!

This is one crazy pope.

You! Stop! You!

You and your retarded friend,

-you're in big big trouble.

-Oy!

# England five Germany one... #

Take your mitts off them boys.

They're with me!

I've just about had enough of you fucking Eyeties.

But I am Swiss.

Them, too!

Now, bud, you get in there and you say what you gotta say.

Mieke, I'm here. I made it.

-Who are you?

-CROWD GROANS

LAUGHTER

What a fucking loser. I'm gonna videotape this.

I'm Scott.

From Ohio?

Scott? Scott Thomas?

-Yes.

-Ohio?

-What are you doing in Rome?

-I came here to be with you.

Listen, I just travelled all the way across Europe.

I got chased by naked men,

I ate brownies with absolutely no drugs in them.

I watched a brother and sister make out.

I kicked a robot in the balls but I did it all

so I could tell you one thing.

I love you, Mieke.

We are perfect for each other. What do you think?

I think...

Oh, Mike. Mieke!

GROANING

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

I have cheated on my husband. Do you think God will ever forgive me?

Oh, yes.

Father?

This sucks.

I can't believe I'm the only one who didn't hook up while we were here.

Europe is officially the worst country on earth.

I know. I thought I'd at least get to have some crazy European sex.

What?

-I have to go.

-OK.

My boat is leaving.

I still can't believe you came all the way here just for me.

What can I say? I'm very unpredictable.

-Keep writing to me, Scott, OK?

-Yeah, I will.

-Go.

-Right.

Yes. Yes! Yes!

SHOUTS

Hey, guys. I'm so glad we got to take this trip together.

This was the best time of my life.

Excuse me.

You were the young man who just gave me that tour of the Vatican.

-Listen, I'm very...

-I just wanted to thank you.

You were the most knowledgeable, idiosyncratic tour guide I've had.

Thanks, but I'm not actually a tour guide.

I've just read Frommers enough to have it memorised.

-I threw in things Frommers didn't know.

-Would you like to add them?

-Excuse me?

-That's...my guide book.

I'm Arthur Frommer.

It's amazing!

Frommers is paying me to see every museum and cathedral in Europe.

That sounds so exciting...for you.

Figured since you were gonna be staying, you might need this.

-A disposable camera.

-That's right.

-Thanks, Scotty.

-That's from both of us.

-BEEP

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

Hello, Mr Walters. I see.

Fired? Well, I...

Well, if that's what you want I understand.

Goodbye, sir.

-They had to catch you eventually.

-No, they fired Humphrey.

-Shut up!

-Yeah, I got his office and a raise.

-No.

TANNOY: 'Flight 341 from Rome to England...'

-That's you guys.

-Yeah.

-Have a good flight.

Be good.

-Have a good flight.

-Be good.

This still counts as Europe, right?

"Dear Mieke, Greece sounds incredible.

"I just moved into my dorm room today

"but I can't wait to see you over Christmas break.

"This time I think I'll fly to Berlin direct."

PHONE RINGS

-Hello?

-Hey, buddy, how's college?

Hey. I just got here. My room mate hasn't even showed up yet.

Do they room all you pre-med geeks together?

I'm not sure I'm going pre-med. Thinking about majoring in German.

German? Why don't you major in not being such a woman?

-So, how's Jenny?

-Jenny? Jenny who?

I know a lot of ladies named Jenny. They're all... Ow!

-Hey, Scotty, what's up?

-Hi, Jenny!

Have you heard from Jamie? How's he doing with Frommer?

Hold on.

-Come here, robot!

-Cooper, not again!

KNOCK ON DOOR Hold on. This is my new room mate.

'What's the freak look like?'

Is he a dork or is he cool? Better not be cooler than me.

'Is he bigger than me?'

I just got your last email. What are you doing here?

Going to college.

You're going to college here?

-What dorm?

-This one. Room 214.

How is this possible?

I guess they thought I was a guy.

Now who would be dumb enough to make a mistake like that?

'Can I hear kissing? Are you making out with your new room mate?

'Scotty? Scotty!

'Scotty!'

This happy ending is bullshit. When does the fairy get laid?

I'm out of here.

# Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know... #

-Catchy tune.

-Fucking A.

# Scotty doesn't know

# You can't tell Scotty

# Fiona says she's out shopping

# But she's under me and I'm not stopping

# Cos Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know... #

Hello and welcome

to Amsterdam's finest and most luxurious youth hostel.

-Sounds great.

-There is no bathroom nor is there one nearby.

# I can't believe he's so trusting

# While I'm right behind you thrusting... #

-You get it?

-She got it.

If you do not wish to have your valuables stolen,

I suggest destroying them or discarding them right now.

You can also try hiding your valuables in your anus.

# Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know... #

I'm gonna pull away his pants and look at his dick, OK? Ready?

Sorry, hon, I fucked it up.

Yes. Take her hair, and one strand at a time,

pull it out.

Use her like a humping post.

This is Europe. They have orange juice ads with lesbians and dildos.

Happy Juice.

You gotta show them something they haven't seen before.

# Fiona's got him on the phone

# Yeah, she's trying not to moan

# It's a three-way call

# And he knows nothing nothing

# Scotty doesn't know Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know... #

Should a fire occur, due to our faulty wiring

or the fireworks factory upstairs,

you will be incinerated along with the valuables in your anus.

# So don't tell Scotty

# Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know

# Scotty doesn't know

# The parking lot

# Why not

# It's so cool when you're on top

# His front lawn

# In the sun