Gregory's Girl

Where is it? Where is it?!

In the middle. There.

There!

Yeah, I've got it, I've got it!

Oh, yes. Yeeeessss!

Look at that! >

Calm down, I can't concentrate!

Oh...that is a brassiere. >

She's got a brassiere!

Take it off. Take it off!

Transmit. Tell her to take off her bra.

Take off your brassiere.

Concentrate, ya bastard!

LUSTFUL GROANS

Ooh, my!

Look!

I can't breathe!

Oh, Andy, grow up!

I can't see!

THUD

Where's your camera?

What a picture!

What a photograph!

You can make a fortune with a photograph like that.

TUTS Andy!

What a doll!

That was terrific.

Superb!

-What we doing tomorrow night?

-Coming back!

We can bring sandwiches.

Chicken sandwiches.

A lot of fuss over a bit of tit, eh?

Yeah.

Hey, look, the knickers!

Oh, yeah!

BIRDS CHIRRUP

See you, Gregory.

Terrible game, eh?

Bad. Very bad.

Yeah. You've got to laugh.

-What have you got to laugh about?

-Us.

Football is all about entertainment.

We gave them a good laugh. It's only a game.

It's only a game? It's only EIGHT games.

Eight games in a row you've lost.

We can't lose 'em all.

You push us really hard. No mercy. Lots of discipline.

Get tough.

We need goals. It's your job to get them and you don't.

Nobody's perfect. It's a tricky time for me.

I'm doing a lot of growing.

Slows you down.

Five inches this year.

Remember last year? I was away down here.

Are you growing a moustache?

I wanna make some changes.

Good idea. It'll make you look older.

In the team. I wanna make some changes in the team.

Hmm. You're the boss.

I want to try out some other people.

Switch the team around?

Take some people out. I was going to take you out.

-You don't want to do that.

-Yes, I do.

-You don't.

-I do.

You don't.

Well, what about Andy?

He's no' even started growing. He's gonna be trouble. I'll tell him.

I'll tell him. A week's trial in goal for you, then I'll decide.

Have you a jersey in my size? Andy's a lot smaller.

Never mind about the jersey.

A week's trial. Then I decide.

You're the boss. Who's taking over my position?

I want to try out some new people.

You won't regret this.

OK, so Phil Menzies is daft enough maybe to throw you out of the team.

I'm not saying he will fling you out. I didn't say that.

But he's daft enough to do it.

Look, I'll tell you what.

I'll tell you what. If, just supposing,

Phil Menzies is daft enough to throw you out the team...

Well, I'll resign.

Really?

Yeah, well, when I say resign,

what I'm getting at, what it boils down to, what I'm trying to say really,

is I'll resign myself to making a decision.

If it happens. I'm not saying it will. It might, but it won't. I don't think so.

-Well, I'll see you later, Gregory. OK?

-Where you going?

I want to stay here a wee bit longer and watch the traffic.

I like looking at the big trucks.

Do you know 12 tons of cornflakes passes under here every day?

-Really?

-It's a well-known fact.

Is it? I never knew that. Tsk!

-I'll see you later.

-Yeah. See you.

I had that dream again last night. It's really terrific.

Hello, darlin'!

All right there, darlin'?!

WOLF WHISTLES

OK, lads. No chance.

WHISTLES

GREGORY SINGS AS TOOTHBRUSH VIBRATES

TOOTHBRUSH VIBRATES

CAN OPENER HUMS

WHISK WHINES

CACOPHONY

-CHILD'S VOICE:

-Hello, Gregory.

CHILDREN SHOUT AND BAWL

TOOTHBRUSH VIBRATES

Two advantages about learning to drive in this new town environment.

Very obvious ones. Up into third here.

The absence of traffic lights, total absence of stray pedestrians.

Remember, other times things won't be so controlled.

Mirror and brake! That's the way. Relaxed position. Brake!

-TYRES SQUEAL

-That's the way.

Come here, you!

-Was that the emergency stop?

-Emergency stop. Unsimulated, yes.

Hi, Mike.

Call me Dad or Pop or something. It makes me feel better when you call me Dad or Father.

I won't take up your time. I know what it's like driving under instruction.

-That was my first emergency stop.

-Was it? Well, that was really good.

Stay, Gregory! I'm sure Mr Clark would like to collect his thoughts.

My name's Anderson.

Are you going to school late or coming home early?

Handbrake in neutral.

-How are you, anyway?

-Oh, fine. We're all very well. Your mother...

-You remember your mother?

-Yeah, I remember Mum.

She was asking after you the other day.

I told her we'd met briefly in the hallway last Thursday and you looked fine.

Listen, I've got an idea.

Why don't we meet up later in the week for breakfast? Say eight o'clock in the kitchen?

-Friday?

-Yeah.

That sounds fine, yeah.

-It's a date, then?

-Yeah.

Ignition, mirror, signal, gear, Mr Clark.

We'll start the driving lessons when you've mastered the walking bit, OK?

HEARTY LAUGHTER

-Every bloody morning!

-He's mad, he should be locked up.

Any tea?

-He must think he's invisible.

-Stupid bastard!

-Who is it?

That daft boy in fourth year, the one from your football team.

I heard they were awarded a corner and took a lap of honour!

Oh, him. His days are numbered.

After next week he's out. Kaput. Finished.

Got to get some new blood in the team. Big changes.

-Yeah. Have a sponge cake.

-A new regime.

I'm signing a new striker this morning.

-Er...who made these?

-Relax. It was Sandra and Alison, 3A.

Very nice girls. Very clean.

Sandra and Alison, eh? Very nice girls, eh, Alistair?

Still getting poems from wee June? You'll get put away.

-I like your moustache.

-Does it show already?

I've only been growing it two days. Thanks.

Yeah... It's really nice.

Makes you look very...grown-up.

Thanks.

-Very mature.

-Yeah.

You look at least 15 already.

I've got to scram. Important morning, this morning.

One place in the team for the best striker. Organise a trial. See what they're like under pressure.

-MURMURED CONVERSATION

-See yous later.

Are you still getting those poems from June?

Ah, come on, you know it's no right to ask these questions.

We are dealing with the emotions of a vulnerable, sensitive...

16-year-old redhead.

Oh, I may have some news for you by lunchtime, son.

I'll keep you posted.

Right. You all know what I'm looking for - a goal-scorer.

That requires two basic skills -

ball control, shooting accuracy and the ability to read the game.

Three things. This trial will allow me to assess these two...

three basic aspects of your skills.

Right?

What's the idea of the sand shoes? No boots?

I'll get some. If I get in the team.

That's a dead loss, son. Go and get changed.

We play in real boots in this school, from the word go.

Right, basic ball control. The ball at your feet, 50 yards and back.

Two lines. Come on, go!

MUSIC STARTS

Both sides of the foot! I want to see complete control.

Come on, faster now!

Come on, more pace! Anybody can walk with a ball.

Come on. What do you want, lass?

-Faster now! What do you want, dear?

-I'm here for the trial.

This is a football trial. Maybe Miss McAlpine's up to something with the hockey team,

I don't know, but this here is football - for boys.

That's right, football trials 11am. I saw the notice.

I'm sorry you picked it up wrongly, dear, but it was boys I wanted.

It didn't say so on the notice. It just said talented players.

I'm sorry you've picked it up wrong, there's been a misunderstanding,

but there's nothing I can do about it now.

-Come on.

-You didn't say boys only. You're not allowed to, anyway.

I want a trial!

It's not possible, dear. Not today.

We don't have a spare ball.

Here's one.

OK, into twos. I want penetration work and a shot for goal.

One attacker, one defender. It's an open goal. Let's see who's first to score.

You're defending me, then.

What's going on?

She's gorgeous.

She is absolutely gorgeous.

It's Dorothy.

Do it again. Same pairs.

She's got funny ears.

Three shots each. Let's see how you do against a real goalkeeper.

You first, dear.

Right, that's it. Finished.

Stamina test. Once round the playing field, back to the dressing rooms.

It's only a quarter of a mile and should be treated as a sprint. Go!

Well?

I'll let everyone know in the fullness of time.

-I'll pass the word on to Miss McAlpine.

-I was the best. You know I was the best.

It's not that simple. It could be out of my hands. We'll have to see.

If I was the best I should be in the team. The notice said so.

I said we'll see. You might well get into the team.

We'll work it out soon.

You've got to put me in the team list! I want to sign something.

What a dream!

Mr Menzies, I want to sign something.

Phwooaaarr! Eh, eh?

-Woarr!

-Open the door.

We've got to get some girls. We've got to make a move.

Even Gregory's at it now. We're falling behind.

I don't think there's any advantage in putting it off any longer.

Besides, it's making me depressed.

Sorry I'm late. That's just paint there.

I've got the biscuit mix started, you put the oven on. 450 degrees.

Yes, boss.

Steve, can you help me with this pastry mix thing?

Pastry mix? There's more than one kind.

Short crust, flaky, rough puff.

Margaret's doing strudel soup. I'm on pies. It's eggs I'm not sure of.

Strudel soup! I'd love to try some of that (!)

It's noodle soup and you don't put eggs in pastry.

-It's 8oz of flour, 4oz of margarine.

-Pinch of salt.

Mix it up. Put it in the oven for 15 minutes.

-No eggs, no strudels, nothing. OK?

-That's simple. Really easy.

There are five guys in fifth year crying themselves to sleep over that.

Six if you count the music teacher.

Look, take it easy. Take it easy.

Have you ever been in love?

I'm in love.

Since when?

About half an hour ago.

It's great. I feel restless and I'm dizzy.

It's wonderful.

Bet I don't get any sleep tonight.

That sounds more like indigestion.

I'm serious.

Who is it? Is it a mature woman? Did you wash your hands?

Don't be crude.

It's someone in the football team.

-Really?

-Yeah.

Have you told anyone else about this?

It's probably just a phase. Who is it? Andy?

-No, it's Dorothy! She's a girl.

-Oh.

-She's got lovely long hair.

And she smells... mmm, really gorgeous.

Even if you just walk past her she smells gorgeous.

She's got teeth. Lovely white teeth.

White, white teeth.

Oh, that Dorothy. The hair, the teeth and the smell. That Dorothy.

And she's in the team?

I think she's taken my position, but she's a really good footballer.

Can she cook? Can she do this?

Look, Steve, when you're in love, things like that don't matter.

Give me the margarine.

Think she'll love me back?

No chance. Watch that mixing. It'll go stiff, Gregory!

-What do you mean, no chance?

-No chance.

HE GASPS

CHEERING AND SHOUTING FROM SPECTATORS

We're really garbage.

This is a real farce.

Nine games lost in a row and what do we do?

Sack the goalie and put a girl in the forward line! It's a madhouse!

Watch the game, Andy. Watch the game. She's good. She can move.

It's not right. It's unnatural. It doesn't even look nice.

It's modern, Andy. It's good.

Modern girls, modern boys. It's tremendous. Look.

CROWD SHOUTS ENCOURAGEMENT

Get back!

Girls weren't meant to play football - it's too tough, too physical.

Tough? Ever seen them play hockey? They're like wild animals.

Even at 12 and 13 they'd kill you.

Hockey was invented by the Red Indians as a form of torture.

-They used to make the cowboys play the squaws.

-Shite - that was lacrosse.

Anyway, if women were meant to play football, they'd have their tits somewhere else.

They weren't designed for football. Gregory!

Watch the ball. Go out and meet it! Don't wait for it!

It's gone wide. Wait for the cross!

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

Come on, give us the ball!

What a prick!

Took my eye off the ball for a split second. Two microseconds.

We need more women in this team, more new blood.

Yeah, she's some girl.

CHEERING

What a goal!

Oh, great! What a goal! What a girl.

She's got a nice pair of legs as well.

Andy, please.

Look at that. It's disgusting.

That's perverse!

In a football field...

With kids watching! Come on, there's a football game to be played!

That sort of thing gives football a bad name.

That is disgusting!

-That's a girl!

-You're a genius, Robert, you're a genius(!)

Have you got any plasters in here? There's none next door.

No. Maybe... I'll get some.

Don't panic. It's just a scratch. I want to save my tights getting blood on them.

Big gorilla on the left wing.

I got my own back. I got my boot on his shin and scraped it down. Big animal.

-You'll have a bruise there.

-Not if I let it bleed.

That's the idea. I don't bruise easily.

I do. I bruise like a peach.

Bruise.

See that? I was only three when that happened.

I was chasing a wee boy on the beach.

I wasn't going to hurt him. I fell on a bottle.

That'll never go away. I'm marked for life. I'm imperfect.

No, no! It's nice. I like it.

-Really?

-Yeah.

I hurt my arm once, at the join.

Can't get it higher than this. Used to get it way up here.

-You just did.

-No, it's this arm. It's stuck.

Look at this. My big brother threw a bike at me. I was only seven.

I can only see it in the mirror. Nice, isn't it? Nice shape.

HIGH PITCHED: Yeah! ..Yeah.

Renaldo, the boy in Italy last summer,

he said it was like a new moon. Very romantic. La luna.

Ah, si, si. Bella, bella.

Ah, parliamo Italiano?

Nah, not really. Just bella, bella.

Oh. I think it's a wonderful language.

So alive. I want to live in Italy when I leave school.

I speaka da langauage. I'm a quarter Italian and a quarter Irish.

On my mother's side.

Hey, I can speak Irish.

What was Renaldo doing down there?

-He lives there.

-No, I mean down there.

Ah. He was putting some suntan oil on.

Bella, bella.

Anything else to show me?

Any major wounds when you were 12, 14?

Hi, Dorothy. Nice to see you. Good game.

I'd like to chat with you for the school magazine.

I want to interview you and that girl in 2A who had triplets. You're famous now.

I'm sorry, this is a dressing room - you can't come in here.

Eric, get the dressing room and some close shots of Dorothy.

You don't mind if Eric flashes, do you?

This is no place for a camera, Eric. People take their clothes off here.

Yeah, where better?

Look, gonna stand in there? Too many shadows. Keep in there.

I like interviewing people like this, no preparation. Everything nice and natural.

How are the boys taking it, you being in the team?

You guys are so predictable. Always causing trouble.

We're all very happy. Dorothy's a very good player.

Slow down, Gregory. This is an in-depth interview. Dorothy?

Things are fine. I'm quicker than most boys, so I keep out of trouble.

I take dancing lessons too. That helps my balance.

What you've got to remember is that my body's quite different.

Hmm. You've got a good body. You must train a lot, keep in shape.

Do you have time for anything else? What do you and your body do on a Saturday night, for instance?

Saturday nights are special. I like to do something special.

What about doing something special this Saturday?

Come on, this is a dressing room! You lot conduct your business somewhere else!

I'll go and change, too.

OK, Dorothy. You're an interesting girl,

but I want to find the real Dorothy underneath the football strip.

Dorothy - the woman.

-OK?

-OK.

-Cheerio, Gregory.

-Arrivederci, Gordon. Hurry back(!)

Bella, bella!

Bella, bella. Bella, Renaldo. Bella, Gordon(!)

SIMPERS I like to do something special on Saturday nights.

BELLA, BELLA!

What's the sudden need to speak Italian, Gregory?

It's not sudden. I've been thinking about it for three years.

-It's taken me a while to make up my mind.

-It's late in the term to start.

I've got some free time. I'll catch up.

It's very important to me. I want to live in Italy when I leave school.

-Been there, have you?

-No. I've been to Ireland, though, and I met some Italians there.

They told me about it in English. Renaldo speaks good English.

-Renaldo. Is that your Italian friend?

-Not just him.

There were girls, too. I said Renaldo cos he spoke good English.

What kind of work do you want to do in Italy?

I'll just learn the language and then I'll see what there is going.

You should think about taking technical Italian.

-Is that to do with work and engines?

-Mm-hmm.

I'd rather do normal Italian and work my way down.

We'll leave it just now. I'll have a word with your form master. See what he can do, OK?

I'm pleased you're interested. It's a lovely country.

Yeah. Wonderful language.

Don't you think it's so alive?

-Did you pick any of it up?

-A couple of words.

Hmm?

Er, bella...and bella. SHE LAUGHS

-Any words you could teach me now?

-Te lo diro.

-Te lo diro.

-Te lo diro.

It means I'll let you know, Gregory. OK?

Oh.

Te lo diro.

Te lo diro.

Te lo...diro!

What about Alan, do you think he's still a virgin?

Nah, he's been in the school orchestra for over a year now.

Pass the sulphuric acid, will you?

What's the pH of that?

Er...seven.

-How's football going?

-Oh, it's good.

You need to cut that up a bit, it's a bit big.

What about the goalie, Gregory?

-Mmm?

-What do you make of Gregory?

Well, he's a bit slow and bit awkward.

Yeah. Slow and awkward.

He's got a nice laugh.

Give me the bromide.

BELL RINGS

Hey! Room four.

Good afternoon.

Do you know that when you sneeze,

it comes out of your nose at 100 miles an hour?

It's a well-known fact. 100 miles an hour.

Pfffff! Just like that.

Room 16!

Hurry up!

Te lo diro.

"Here comes my messenger. How now, mad spirit,

"what night-rule now about this haunted grove?

"My mistress with a monster is in love

"Near to her close and consecrated bower

"while she was in her dull and sleeping hour.

"A crew of patches, rude mechanicals,

"that work for bread upon Athenian stalls

"Were met together to rehearse a play intended for great Theseus' nuptial day.

"The shallowest thickskin of that barren sort, who Pyramus presented in their sport

"Forsook his scene and enter'd in a break,

"when I did him at this advantage take.

"And forth my mimic comes when they him spy,

"as wild geese that creeping fowl or eye

"sever themselves and madly sweep the sky,

"so at his sight..."

Please, miss, there's Billy out there.

"..he "Murder!" cries and help from Athens calls.

-"Their sense thus weak..."

-Be quiet, Andy.

-"..with their fears thus strong..."

-Be quiet, Andy!

-ANDY CONTINUES READING

-Hello, Billy!

-Nice of you to drop in.

-"..from yielders all things catch..."

Well, you said you'd come back and see me again.

Here I am. Can I introduce my boss?

Miss Wilkes, this is Mr Hall. It's his own business.

Pleased to meet you. How's our Billy shaping up?

He's a good lad. He's been telling me about the characters in the school.

He likes you. And he's washed a few windows.

I hope you're doing mine free for old times' sake.

Give us your glasses and I'll do them. No charge.

Thank you.

See you outside at four, lads, eh?

Listen! Why don't you come up and see me sometime?

I'll do that. I'll use the stairs, though.

"I led them on in this distracted fear and left sweet Pyramus translated there.

"When in that moment, so it came to pass,

"Titania wak'd and straightaway loved an ass."

TYPEWRITER CLATTERS

Doughnuts?

We're still doing the two kinds - jam-filled and the rings.

What kind of jam?

What would you like?

-Blackcurrant?

-That's no problem.

-I'll have half a dozen.

-Half a dozen.

-I'll thow in some ring doughnuts. There's usually some left.

-Good.

Have you given the petit choux any more thought?

-What was that again?

-It was a basic choux pastry.

I've been working on it. I think I've got it perfect.

That's good. That's very good.

I'd like everything in my office by three o'clock, Friday. Understood?

Yes, sir.

I'm sorry I'm early.

Have a seat, Mr Menzies.

There's a girl in the football team.

Well, yes and no.

-Yes and no?

-Yes.

-What do you mean?

-We could have a girl in the team if we wanted one.

-Do we want one?

-Well...

I think it's a wonderful idea. Terrific.

Yes. And she's a great player. She won't hold the team back.

One possible problem area. The showers.

What happens about the showers?

Oh, she'll bring her own soap.

And you'll undertake to keep everything above board?

Oh, yes, most definitely. Most definitely.

HE WHISTLES THEME FROM MASH

-Hiya.

-Hello.

-Carry your bag for you?

-I can't see you today. I've got to go up to the big school.

-What for?

Family trouble.

Is it Gregory?

Guess what? He's fallen in love.

That's big trouble. Maybe I can see you later on.

Right. Bye-bye.

Bye.

Cigarette?

Waiting for somebody?

Yes.

You're not giving much away. There's 2,000 people in there.

Gregory. Fourth year.

Oh, Steve's pal.

Are you Gregory's girl?

I'm Madeline.

CHATTER

She's fancied me since first year. She's after my body.

I might have to give in. "Why don't you come up and see me sometime?"

Eh, watch the jacket. I had to wash and polish 84 windows for this.

That's some job. Do you get danger money for that?

No, but if I die my mother gets her windows washed free for 25 years,

inside and out.

I'll tell you what you need danger money for - the women.

Something about window cleaners turns them on.

Especially up that Loganville estate, the private houses.

They spend too much time on their own, so we turn up, once a week,

singing songs, telling jokes.

-Washing the windows?

-Right, washing the windows.

Then round to the back door. "Hello, darlin', give us some hot water?"

I don't get it.

Hot water. Is that a code?

No, it's for washing the windaes.

That gets the conversation going. Anything can happen after that.

The worst thing that could happen is they give you some hot water.

Yeah, that sometimes happens.

We saw a great thing last week. A nurse up at the hostel -

tits, bum, fanny, the lot!

I could see that 50 times a day through a window.

Contact's the thing. Doing it.

-Have you done it?

-11 times.

-In the one night?

-Naw, at different times. Something new always crops up.

You mean stuff like foreplay?

Foreplay's important as long as it leads up to something,

otherwise it's just fooling around.

See you later. See you, Billy.

Bye, Madeline.

If I don't see you through the week I'll see you through a window!

They grow up fast, don't they?

Ten years old with the body of a woman of 13.

You need some new trousers. These baggy ones are awful.

I'll talk to Mum about it. Blue ones, Italian.

If you're in love you'll have to start taking care of yourself.

-Are Italians good dressers?

-Yeah, they make nice trousers. They've got style.

I was talking to Steven's sister about Dorothy.

She's very attractive. I knew you'd fall for that type.

She's a quarter Italian.

Don't get too serious about her if you can help it.

Have you asked her out yet?

I can help you. I can tell you things.

I'm a girl. You were nice to me when other boys hated their sisters.

If it was brown, it would be OK. Not enough brown in it.

Yeah.

Nah...

There's a dark brown.

Well, the grey was quite nice, too.

You don't think about colours, do you?

If you don't take an interest in yourself you can't expect others to.

Talk to Dorothy. Ask her out. She won't say no, I bet you.

Don't treat her too special. You're too romantic. You'll scare her.

What kind of things should I say?

For goodness sake, don't plan it, don't think about it, do it!

So...I should think less about love and more about colours.

You've got it.

What would you like?

Ginger beer with lime juice and ice cream, please, but don't stir it.

Coffee, please.

-Black or white?

-Er...brown?

They don't do blue coffees here. This isn't Italy. No style.

Do you dream about her?

That means you love her. The ones you have the dreams about count.

Who do you dream about?

Just ginger beer and ice cream. I'm still a little girl, remember.

-That looks nice, doesn't it?

-Yeah.

The nicest part is just before you taste it.

Your mouth goes all tingly, but that can't go on forever.

"..adding a proportionate amount of sugar, which is two to one..."

Do you know anything about Italians?

Excellent seafood in the northwest.

Some of the regional pasta dishes are good, too. Good with salads. Stylish all round.

Whoa, whoa, go easy with the sugar, lady!

Food, food, food! Is that all you think about?

You're unnatural, pal. You're a freak!

You eat it, don't you?

I've never seen you turn your nose up at anything I've made.

Hours and hours I've spent making you lovely, lovely things,

and all it means to you is food.

In case you hadn't noticed, I'm going through a crisis.

Of course I've noticed. What do you want me to do? The whole world's got problems.

You're obsessed by a beautiful unattainable girl. So what?

-Stop saying things like obsessed and unattainable. It's love.

-OK.

Go and attain her, then, sweep her off her feet.

-Oh, I forgot, you're the goalkeeper, she's the sweeper.

-Ha, ha(!)

Look, one key question. Have you spoken to her, asked her for a date? Anything?

Well, do it, then complain.

HE TURNS TV ON

If I get a date, can I borrow your white jacket?

No!

DOORBELL RINGS

Maybe that's her.

-I wonder if Maddy's in.

-You mean Madeline?

-She's out with her mother.

-That's a shame.

I thought we could go for a walk. Maybe I could wait.

-Nah, they'll be ages.

-Maybe she could phone me later.

Who are you, anyway? You're talking about my sister and she doesn't go walking with anybody!

What's the idea, coming to people's doors, seducing people's sisters? Act your age!

Away and break some windows, demolish some phone boxes.

See when I was your age...?

You're Gregory, aren't you? How are you feeling? Everything OK?

There's nothing wrong with me, son.

You're the one that should be worried, seducing children.

You're a freak. You're heading for big trouble.

Underage walks, dates. You'll run out of vices before you're 12 if you don't slow down!

-Go on, piss off!

-OK, Gregory. Fair enough.

Richard's my name. Ask Maddy to call me anyway.

The name's Madeline. Go on, piss off!

CAT MEWS

Miaow!

Miaow!

Mia-ooowww.

Mi-aoooowww.

HE HOWLS LIKE A WOLF

MORE HOWLING

DISTANT HOWLING

Had that dream again last night. That's four nights in a row - that's really good, that.

DRUM FLOUIRSH

Yeah, hold on. I'm in the dark. >

-What is it?

-Can I come in?

I'd make a lousy photographer. I get scared in the dark.

What do you want?

I wondered how the snaps turned out. The ones in the dressing room.

Oh, Dorothy? I'm working on it now. She's a beauty.

-She's a dream to photograph.

-Very interesting.

I could go for this girl in a big way. Look at that nose.

Very pretty.

Some of the guys reckon she's too much like a boy.

I don't. I think she's wonderful.

Her like a boy? No.

She's just...modern.

You're right, it's modern, it's the future.

In another million years there'll be no men, no women -

there'll just be people. It's logical evolution. Evolution is a thing.

-No more men or women?

-Just a whole world full of wankers. Drink?

This is a modern girl, made to be photographed.

I'd love to get my wide-angle lens on her.

A low-key light, a soft film.

Oh, the face and the body of the '80s.

I could really make that girl.

One elephant, two elephant, three elephant, four elephant, five elephant.

-If you don't put in the elephants you don't get real seconds.

-Oh.

Ten elephant.

Each print needs an exact exposure.

This one needs ten elephants.

-Here she comes.

-There you go, you beauty.

Look how quickly Gordon moved in. He knows what he likes.

I timed it - one elephant, two elephant.

One minute and 50 elephants and he had a date. That's a record, even for him.

What a guy, eh? What an absolutely incredible guy. Hmm?

What a guy. Absolutely.

Give us a photograph, will you?

Oh, I get it. You fancy her too, eh?

No, it's for a friend. Someone really shy.

Just give us a photograph, eh?

It's really expensive. The chemicals and the paper. Really expensive.

-20 pence.

-40.

25.

-I'll frame it for a pound.

-Nah, I'll take it the way it is, thanks.

BELL RINGS

Better give you a dry one. Don't want you dripping down the corridor.

Te lo... diro.

Te lo... diro!

Hey, are you Gregory?

-That's me, sweetheart. Who wants to know?

-Dorothy wants to see you.

-Who, Dorothy?

-That's what I said.

She'll be in room nine at break time, OK?

-Give us your comb, eh?

-No.

-Gimme your comb.

-No!

Thanks, pal.

Te lo diro.

GIRLS LAUGH

-Hi, Dorothy, I got your message.

-Good.

I just wanted to know what you're up to at lunchtime.

Nothing that can't wait a million years.

-Will you help me out with some goal practice?

-Sure.

It'll speed things up. I want to practise shots at different angles.

I'll bring my compass.

Good. Well, I'll see you at half twelve, then?

-Fine.

-Good. See you.

Look at all these men.

-Boys.

-What's the difference?

Come questo?

I'm on the way, Steve. It's off the ground. Romance - it's in the air.

-Hi, pal.

-Can I have your white jacket?

No.

I don't want to make a big thing about it,

but the jacket would really help put the affair off on a proper footing.

-Just for one night.

-What are you raving on about?

Me, Dorothy, date. It's in the bag.

She's after me. She wants me to play with her at lunchtime.

My, my. She wants you to play with her? How do you do it, Gregory?

It's football we're playing. I'll be in goals.

Not in my jacket. Morning, Kelvin. How's business?

-All right.

-The jacket's for later, for the real date.

The doughnuts are going like hot cakes,

-but the marzipan almonds don't seem to be everyone's cup of tea.

-Tasteless sods.

Come on, Steve, you gave Pete the jacket last week. Why not me?

That's exactly why. Did you see that jacket the day after?

Grass stains, I don't know all what kind of stains.

But with Dorothy and I, things would be high class.

No stains, no...

I'll make you a deal. You get the date, signed, sealed and delivered,

and then see me about the jacket. Fair enough?

Keep the doughnuts coming, Steve,

but the public says ease off the marzipans.

It's a deal. Want to throw in your brown shoes as well?

I could use a persuasive prick like you in the organisation.

Help me offload some marzipan onto an uncaring population.

Go on, get!

I bought one of these this morning and it cost 25 pence!

It's not my fault. See the boss.

-..31 elepant, 32 elephant...

-FEMALE LAUGHTER

BOTH: 34 elephant, 35 elephant, 36 elephant...

INAUDIBLE

Don't touch the ravioli, it's garbage.

Ravioli, please. Thank you.

Hello, Brenda. Mind if I join you?

-How's the lunch?

-Scary.

Meat looks OK. Urrghh!

Urrghh! Urrrgghh! Have you got a tissue?

Let's sweettalk these two, eh?

Good afternoon, ladies.

Mind if we join you?

-How's the roast beef?

-It's veal.

Veal? You now how they make veal?

They get little baby calves and hang them upside down.

They slit their throats and let the blood drip out. Interesting?

This is great. I can really use the practice.

Thanks.

Good goal.

Just kick it out in future, it'll be much quicker.

Good idea. Great idea! I'll do that the next time.

Great shot! Got me that time.

Could you stop dancing around so much?

It's very distracting.

How can you judge a shot, dancing around like...?

Great. First class.

You're some girl. I haven't got near the ball yet, eh?

OOF!

Well held. You OK?

-LAUGHS WEAKLY

-Come on. We've only got an hour.

-I think I've broke my neck chain.

-Come out and tackle me.

Try and block, then move back and block some more.

And use your feet. Don't grab for the ball.

OK. OK. Keep them coming, Dorothy.

SHRILL WHISTLE

MUSIC HALL TUNE

Off you go, you small boys.

You know we're in the wrong place?

You know where we should be?

South America.

There's a town there, and this is a well-known fact.

But do you know the ratio of women to men?

8 to 1.

Eight women per one guy.

That's the sort of place for us, eh?

It's called Caracas.

Are you happy in goal?

It's OK.

You waste a lot of energy.

No control.

Got tons left.

Thanks for the practice.

No sweat.

Well, lots of sweat, actually.

But no sweat if you get my meaning.

I'm sorry you missed lunch.

It's OK. Lunch means nothing to me.

Some nuts. Some fresh fruit.

Double apple pie and custard?

That kind of thing.

I'm off for a shower.

Dorothy!

I just wanted to say...

..anytime.

For more practice. Anytime.

Right. Ta.

Also, would you like to come out with me?

OK.

I mean, on a kind of date?

I said OK.

Come on, stop fooling around. I mean...

If you're going to argue, forget it.

No, no. Fine.

When?

Tonight. Half past seven at the clock in the Plaza.

KNOCK AT DOOR

Yeah?

I just want to check...

Yeah?

-Tonight.

-Tonight.

Yeah. Half seven?

Half past seven.

You'll be there?

-I'll be there.

-And I'll be there.

-At the clock?

-At the clock.

Yeah? What is it?

Has that boy been bothering you?

Nah, he's harmless.

How's the training been going?

I was practising some turns.

I'm not very happy with it. I'm using my feet too much.

That remark tells me a lot about you.

When you trap a ball, what you've got to do is kill that ball's energy.

You tame it. What do you use to kill a ball's energy?

-My feet?

-And what else?

My chest?

And?

This. Your gluteus maximus trap, my dear.

Now this is what you do.

You've got a high ball and a fast ball.

It's behind you. You want to trap it and turn.

Let the ball bounce once, kill the momentum.

Then, this is what foxes them,...

..reverse up to it, catch it on the bounce with your fleshy part.

Drop down low and there it is, but don't waste time.

You're on your feet, you turn, steady,...

..and it's yours.

Bambino, that's really nifty!

You try it. I'll walk you through it.

Ready? Reverse,...

Reverse...

..down, trap, up,...

..turn, steady,...

-..steady,...

-..kick!

BOTH: Reverse, down, trap, up,...

..turn, steady, kick!

Reverse, down, trap, up,...

..turn, steady, kick!

Reverse, down, trap, up,...

..turn, steady, kick!

Reverse, down, trap, up,...

(SINGING AND SPLASHING)

Remember your neck.

Yeah.

And under your arms.

Yeah, yeah. Everything's under control.

Think I should tell her some jokes?

Maybe.

Do you know any jokes?

-DON'T

-tell her the one about Batman and Superwoman.

(GIGGLES)

Sit still.

DRUMMING

CLOCK TICKS LOUDLY

AMERICAN ACCENT: Hi, there!

Oh, hi, there!

FOOTSTEPS APROACH

Hi, Gregory.

-Hello, Carol.

-Waiting for Dorothy?

Yeah.

She's not coming.

Right. Thanks.

WHISTLES NONCHALANTLY

Tsk! Wrong way.

Something turned up. To do with her football, I think.

Is that Steve's jacket?

No, no.

Steve's has got a stain there. There's no stain.

Thanks for the word about Dorothy.

Ah, that's OK. I couldn't leave you here all night.

What will you do now?

Fancy a walk?

Where?

Just up to the sports centre.

Nah. I'm pretty hungry, though.

We could go up to Capaldi's. I'll buy you some chips.

OK. I was going that way anyway.

Gregory! Hold on a minute.

Well, I feel like a human being again.

Aghhh!

I've got to go home. I really enjoyed the walk.

You go that way and I'll go this way.

Hold it. I thought we were going for chips.

Chips?

OK, here you are, 50 pence. You'll get lots of chips with that.

You're worse than my Dad. He's old, so at least he's got an excuse for being a prick!

OK, OK, put your coat on.

Oh, no. Come on, all I'm asking for is a walk to the chip shop.

I've got a date. I'm going away.

I've got a feeling something nice might happen there, so... come on!

OK. Walk ahead.

Gregory, hurry up. We haven't got all night.

Do you really fancy Dorothy?

Yeah.

-Can you drive?

-No, but it runs in the family. Why?

Ricky Swift's got a car. Dorothy knows him.

He's at the Physical Ed college.

Must be quite old, then?

He's nearly 19.

19? Has he got any hair left?

Ricky Swift. Sounds like something out of a comic.

Does he fly through the air like Batman? HE LAUGHS

Quick, Dorothy, to the Rickmobile!

OK, calm down. Don't wet yourself.

Well, loverboy, I'm off. Hey, Margo, here's Gregory.

Dorothy stood him up, so he's buying chips and telling jokes.

Have fun, Gregory. Tell me all about it tomorrow.

By the way, pickled onions and dates don't mix.

You might have to do some kissing later on.

Bye!

Well, I'll buy my own chips. You keep telling jokes.

What's going on?

Don't know.

I think Margo's after me.

I get that feeling.

It's a good night for it. Are you taking her up the park?

Don't know. Think I should?

Aye!

Yeah.

PHONE RINGS

It's a fine night for it, eh?

You know, there's definitely something in the air tonight.

Something in the atmosphere.

Relax.

Where are we going?

Relax. Enjoy it.

I am... I will.

What are you up to?

Nothing!

Look, what's going on?

Where are we going?

Where are you and I going?

You can't enjoy yourself if you don't relax.

I'm just a bit emotional tonight, OK?

That's fine. Nothing wrong with a bit of emotion. Come on.

LAWN MOWERS HUM

Hallo, Gregory. What are you up to?

We're just cruising.

You're all dressed up. Anywhere to go?

I've got somewhere to go.

See you tomorrow, Susan.

Relax.

I believe you're short of a date.

There was a bit of a mix-up earlier on. It's OK.

Would you like to spend time with me on a kind of date?

I'm not sure what's going on.

Is this a joke, all this with Carol and Margo...?

It's a joke, isn't it?

Not a joke. It's just the way girls work. They help each other.

Does Dorothy?

Dorothy's a good sport.

Anyway, how about it? You and me, what do you say?

Think about it.

Sit down over there and think about it.

SHE WHISTLES

OK. A kind of date.

Do we start right away?

Yeah.

We'll go to the park. It's too nice an evening to sit in a bar.

Yeah, far too nice.

What we'll do is we'll just walk and talk.

And we don't need to talk that much, either.

-We'll see how it goes.

-Fine.

I hope you don't think I do this kind of thing all the time.

No.

-Can we whistle, too?

-Yes, we can whistle, too.

Good.

THEY BOTH WHISTLE

See, if we were going for a drink, what would you have to drink?

Bacardi and Coke with ice.

Same here. With ice.

There's definitely something in the air tonight, Charlie.

That's three women in a row he's had.

I like your jacket.

I like your skirt.

I like your shirt.

I like your beret.

Thank you.

Want to swap?

This is really good. I'm really enjoying myself.

Good. I'm glad we bumped into each other.

SHE WHISTLES

Do you want to dance?

It's really good. You just lie flat down... and dance.

I'll start it off. You join in when you feel confident enough.

OK?

SHE GIGGLES

Just dance.

I'll tell you something,...

..and not a lot of people know this,...

..we are clinging to the surface of this planet...

..while it spins through space at 1,000 miles an hour,...

..held only by the mystery force called gravity.

Wow!

A lot of people panic when you tell them that and they fall off.

You're not falling off. That means you've got the hang of it.

-That means that you have got...

-Natural ability.

Yeah.

A thousand miles an hour, eh?

Why are boys obsessed with numbers?

I'm not.

You are!

Don't stop dancing or you'll fall off.

What are you two up to?

Why? What are you up to?

I'm going to the hospital to do the exposure test.

The flesh tone experiment.

The flesh tone experiment. Of course.

-Have you got the right equipment?

-Of course. 400mm lens.

It opens up to 2.8. 700 foot, let's say, er,...

..100 yards?

A filming speed of 360 and the first processing about 1.5 stops.

-Do you like numbers, Eric?

-Numbers make the world go round.

How many erm,...

..elephants will you give it tonight?

You can't have any time exposures. That would ruin the image.

Don't want to ruin the image.

That means a fast shutter. Say, at the outside, 125th of an elephant?

-Sounds fine.

-Fine.

-You coming?

-Erm, no.

I'd be interested in the results, though.

Maybe an advance order? Some eight-by-tens?

Yeah. Put me down for six.

No, make it half a dozen.

I want to tell you something.

Do you know that when you sneeze it come out your nose at 100mph.

Really?

Phew! Just like that.

One more number.

11. Home by.

I've got to be.

OK, Mr Spaceman, I'll walk you home.

-Really?

-Mm-hm.

I don't want to put you to any trouble.

It's OK.

If you just want to walk me to the bridge, that's fine.

No, I don't mind.

OK, I'll do the same for you sometime.

That's good. You stopped kissing me like I was your auntie.

Nobody's looking.

What's my auntie going to say when I kiss her at Christmas?

Say something.

342.

1,000,009.

How come you know all the good numbers?

Thanks for seeing me home.

When can I see you again?

Tomorrow. History. 10.30.

I want a date.

OK, Mr Spaceman. 12.30, room 17 tomorrow. We'll talk about it.

THEY BOTH GIGGLE

Ten-four.

Goodnight, Mr Spaceman.

375.

5,672.

How did it go. Are you going to see her again?

Who, Dorothy?

Who else?

Well, maybe Susan, for instance.

Tell me or I'll hurt you.

OK, OK. Dorothy didn't show up,...

..but I met Carol, then Margo and then Susan. She's lovely.

We went to the park. I think she likes me. I'll see her tomorrow.

-Did you kiss her?

-No. Maybe tomorrow.

You liar! You kissed her about 50 times.

Shh! You'll wake the mater and pater.

I better kiss you, too, then.

It's hard work being in love, especially if you don't know which girl it is.

Yeah. I'll work on it.

Who's going to be Gregory's girl?

You are.

Come on, Andy, let's go home.

That's not the way you spell Caracas anyway.

What?

What do you mean?

Caracas is spelled with an A. C-A-S, not C-U-S.

Why didn't you tell me that before?

Could you not have told me that four hours ago? We've been waiting here!

Come on, let's go home.

Come on, we can start again tomorrow.

There's some nice girls in third year.

They always go for the older guys.

At least the nice ones do.

There's even a couple of dolls in second year.

I saw them in the dining hall. June and Louise.

Andy, I think everything's going to be all right.

Intelfax Subtitles CATHERINE WALKER