Meet the Fockers


Meet the Fockers

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SLOW POP BALLAD PLAYS

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# Into a life of pain

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# Came something beautiful

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# Someone who loved me much as I love her

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# There have been trials and tribulations

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# And not just a few

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# But we made it through

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# And now the time's at hand

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UP-TEMPO BEAT: # We're gonna get married

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# And have everything

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# Birdies sing

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# The bells will ring

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# Bells of every denomination ringing

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# We're gonna get married

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# We're gonna get married

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# We're gonna get married

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# We're gonna get married

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# We're gonna get married

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# Wait and see. #

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WOMAN GASPING

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You must do something!

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Baby's coming!

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Yeah, I know baby's coming.

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Miss, you have to stay calm

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and take deep breaths, OK? ..Myra!

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I need a doctor here right now.

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-I'm working on it!

-You're not doctor?

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-No, I'm a nurse.

-You're man

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and you're nurse?!

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What kind of man is nurse?

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Look, folks, I'm a professional, OK?

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I know exactly what I'm doing.

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So just trust me, everything's gonna be fine.

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All right? OK.

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Yeah. Yeah, you're fully dilated.

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Hey, I need that doctor right now.

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There are no free doctors.

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Nurse, you're gonna have to

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deliver that baby yourself.

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I can see a head!

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Holy shit.

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SHE SCREAMS

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Check it out.

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We did it.

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We had a boy.

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A boy.

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You're my hero!

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Mm-hmm.

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I name baby for you.

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Oh...you don't have to do that.

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Yeah, I must.

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It's a Latvian tradition.

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We will name the baby...

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HE GROANS SOFTLY

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-MAN'S VOICE:

-'Hello. You've reached the Fockers. We're not around.

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'So leave us a message. Goodbye.

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'Roz! How the hell do you shut this thing off?'

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-ROZ:

-'I have no idea.

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'Just press a button.

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'All right, I'm pretty sure it's off.

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'Honey! you want a chimichanga?

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'I thought they gave you gas.

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-'A little bit but it's worth it.

-Yeah, worth it for you,

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'but I'm the one that gets the fumes.

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'Honey, I'm in the mood for a chimichanga!

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-'So make a chimi...'

-BEEP

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Hey, guys, it's me.

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Dad, I told you six months ago you have to change that message.

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Anyway, I'm just calling to double-check,

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cos I didn't hear back from you.

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you know that Pam and I are flying out

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to Oyster Bay today, and then we're flying

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to Miami tomorrow with the Byrneses.

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And our flight gets in at 7.30,

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So that should put us at the house around nine.

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So just give me a call back on my cell, OK,

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cos I want to go over a few things with you about

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Pam's dad, and just, um...

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just some other stuff for the weekend.

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All right? I love you. Bye.

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-Hey.

-Morning, sweetie.

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How was your shift?

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-Ah, guess what?

-What?

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I delivered my first baby. SHE GASPS

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-No way.

-Mm-hmm.

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-Oh, honey...

-Yeah.

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..I'm so proud of you.

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It was incredible.

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I mean, just-just to be pulling this life force

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out of this woman's... you know...

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I mean, it was just so...

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it was... the whole baby thing is...

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it's so cool.

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That's great, honey!

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-That's great!

-So, er, you think you're ready to go?

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I want to get to the airport a little early.

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No, just give me a sec.

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You know how things always go wrong...

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The flight doesn't leave for four hours, honey.

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I just wish we could set a wedding date

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without our parents actually having to meet.

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Honey, this weekend is gonna be fine.

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And your parents are great.

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Well, they're great in small doses.

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Well, 48 hours in Coconut Grove is a small dose.

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Besides, you've already won over my dad,

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and that is the hard part.

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Mm. That is true. I mean,

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I am still in the Byrnes family circle of trust, right?

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You're firmly in the circle.

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-PAM LAUGHS

-Finally.

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Oh, taxi!

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-Taxi!

-Taxi!

->

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Hey, you going to the airport?

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-Yeah.

-Yeah.

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Take mine.

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All right.

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Great.

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-Nice guy, huh?

-Yeah.

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# Gonna get married Take your hand in mine

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# We'll be looking fine

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# In the sweet sunshine... #

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You two. You're up.

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# It's gonna be

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# All those who love us'll be there

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# One great big happy family

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# Yeah, we're gonna get married... #

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-Great!

-# We're gonna get married...

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# We're gonna get married

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# Wait and see... #

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Oh, dear.

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What?

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Well, they overbooked coach.

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HE SIGHS

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So what does that mean, do we miss our flight or...?

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Well...we are gonna have to upgrade you to first class.

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Really?

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Thank you.

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HE GRUNTS

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Oh. Sir, why don't you let me take that for you.

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OK. Yeah. Here you go.

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So, er, you want to check it? Or put it on another flight?

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Cos that's cool, whatever you want to do.

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Just gonna store it in the captain's closet.

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That was nice.

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Yeah.

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Champagne?

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Thank you.

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Champagne, sir?

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Thank you.

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Enjoy.

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Would you like to purchase rental insurance, Mr...Focker?

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Um...

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No. Thanks.

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No?

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HE WHISPERS: It's a scam.

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That's how they make all their money.

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That's true. You don't need it.

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Get out of here.

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-# We're gonna get married

-We're gonna get

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# We're gonna married Wait and see. #

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The house of Byrnes.

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A lot of good memories here.

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Mom? Dad?

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-MOZART PIANO PIECE PLAYING

-I am watching you.

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CHILD PRATTLES

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Almost.

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But you have to do it with two fingers,

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one on each eye, like this.

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I am watching you.

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BABY EXCLAIMS HAPPILY

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Oh, we'll get back to that later.

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Guess who's here!

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It's...

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Professor Einstein.

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Hi, Little Jack.

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You are a genius.

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I see a Nobel prize in your future.

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-Yes, I do.

-Study break, boys!

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Company's here!

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Pamcake!

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Flapjack!

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HE GIGGLES

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CHANTING: Short stack, short stack, coming up!

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Put some syrup in the cup!

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Bup-bup, bup-bup, bup, bup, buh.

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That's how it goes, right?

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That's OK, Greg.

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Nice to see you.

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Yes. Nice to see you...Grandpa!

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Yeah.

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My goodness!

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How did my nephew

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get so big? Look at you!

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You look just like your mommy.

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GREG: He does, doesn't he?

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Hey. Hey, this is Greg.

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Remember we talked about him?

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GREG: Hey.

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HE LAUGHS

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Sorry, Greg.

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The card only comes in one gender.

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Yeah, no, that's... that's all right.

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BABY FUSSES

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He's taking you in.

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He has a very keen sense for people, Greg.

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Hmm, a chip off the old block, huh?

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Might have another CIA man on our hands here.

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I'd be discreet about my profession,

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Greg, if I were you. Know what I mean?

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As far as your parents are concerned,

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I'm still a horticulturist.

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Hey, why is Little Jack here? Are Deb and Bob house-sitting while we're in Florida?

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No, they're in Cosa Mui, Thailand,

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checking on the clinic

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they opened during their honeymoon.

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What is all this stuff anyway?

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After Denny was sent away to military school,

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your father turned this

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into a learning labouratory for you-know-who over there.

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And do you talk yet, Mr Munchkin Head?

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You little...

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HIGH-PITCHED BLUBBERING

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-Boop, boop, boop.

-Greg, Greg, Greg.

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Don't infantilise him. Talk to him like an adult.

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-DINA:

-Muskrat.

-Huh?

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Muskrat, Jack.

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Oh, right.

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Just try to understand.

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He's a little person.

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His communication skills aren't verbal yet,

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but he understands. Observe.

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LJ, are you hungry?

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Oh, wow.

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Look at that.

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"I would like to eat...

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"more...please...

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"then I'd like a nap, and then...

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"later, I'll enjoy a nice poop."

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Oh, yeah. I've heard about this -

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this baby signing stuff. This is, like, cutting edge.

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Like, yeah.

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Well, at his age, Greg, his mind is like a sponge.

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But when he reaches your age, for example,

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his mind will be far less capable

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of absorbing useful information.

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He's so cute.

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Hey, can I hold him?

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I don't think that's such a good idea, Greg.

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Muskrat.

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All right, all right.

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This is Greg. Greg will not drop you. OK?

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OK.

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Be careful.

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Hello. Oh, hello.

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I think he likes me.

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No?

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-Ow!

-Oh!

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-Shit!

-Focker!

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He's absorbing you like a sponge!

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I don't want the first word

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out of his mouth to be a profanity!

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It's OK. It's OK.

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Cover your nose! You're terrifying him!

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-Dad...

-I'll get a towel.

-Focker!

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It's cool that your dad is so into being a grandparent.

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Yeah, I guess.

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I think it kind of freaks my mom out, though.

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She says he spends every last second

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with that kid.

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HORN BEEPS "Puff The Magic Dragon"

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Oh, my God.

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Daddy?

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GREG: Wow.

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Daddy, what is this thing?

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It's a custom-designed, climate-controlled motor coach.

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Jack calls it the highlight of our twilight.

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-Wow, this is incredible.

-Isn't it?

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Yeah.

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SOLID THUMPING

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Like a tank.

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Well, in these uncertain times, Greg, I opted

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for a Kevlar-reinforced hull

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with two-inch thick Plexiglas windows,

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just like the ones they designed

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on the Russian Widowmaker submarines.

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I want you to conduct a field test for us, Greg.

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I want you to demonstrate

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the impregnable outer skin of the coach.

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Throw it at the window.

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Oh, Jack, I 'm not going...

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I'm not going to throw a brick at your window.

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It's a simple demonstration.

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No, I 'd really rather not.

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Throw the brick, Greg.

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-OK.

-Just...

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All your might.

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All right.

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Don't worry.

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Your rental insurance should take care of it.

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Jack...what?

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Come on, we'll call a tow truck from the road.

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The road?

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Yeah, we're driving this to Miami.

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Driving? I thought we were, er... I thought we were flying tomorrow.

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No, no. Airline travel being what it is these days -

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so unreliable - I'll feel much more comfortable

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knowing I have my own Posturepedic bed,

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my own thermostat, my own lavatory facility.

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Uh-huh. So we're all going to be in this together?

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We hit the road in exactly

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seven minutes, 27 seconds.

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This way, we'll get in early, spend an extra half-day

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with your parents, getting to know them. Isn't that great?

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That is great.

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-ROZ ON ANSWERING MACHINE:

-'Yeah, worth it for you,

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'but I'm the one that gets the fumes.'

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-BERNIE:

-'Honey, I 'm in the mood for a chimichanga!'

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-ROZ:

-'So make a chimicha...'

-BEEP

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Hey, guys, it's me.

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Listen, I 'm getting a little worried

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that I haven't heard back from you.

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I hope you got the message.

0:11:330:11:34

There's been a little change of plans.

0:11:340:11:36

We're going to be coming down in Jack's RV now,

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so we'll be arriving tomorrow afternoon, not tomorrow night.

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OK? Tomorrow afternoon.

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And also, they're bringing their little grandson.

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So, er, he's like a baby, so... I don't know.

0:11:460:11:50

Welcome aboard, me hearties. Arrgh.

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Hey, this is incredible.

0:11:540:11:55

Yeah, it's as big as our apartment.

0:11:550:11:57

Pretty neat, huh?

0:11:570:11:58

MEOWING, TOILET FLUSHES

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Hey, Mr Jinx finally

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learned how to flush the toilet, huh?

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-DINA:

-Yeah, Jack installed a special flusher

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and he learned how to do that in about two days, right, Jack?

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Hey there, Jinxy. How you doing?

0:12:100:12:12

IT MEOWS

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Ready to hit the road, co-captain?

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Wow!

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I'm the co-captain?

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Let's set sail, sailor.

0:12:210:12:23

# I'm going up the country

0:12:230:12:25

-# Babe, don't you want to go?

-#

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-JACK ON PA:

-Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

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This is Captain Jack Byrnes speaking.

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Yay, Daddy!

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A quick announcement.

0:12:320:12:33

As a courtesy to your fellow passengers,

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please remember that the on-board lavatory

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should be used for number one only.

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Should the need for number two arise,

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we will stop at the nearest rest stop, gas station

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or heavily wooded area. Thank you. Welcome aboard.

0:12:430:12:45

I like that thing.

0:12:450:12:47

Hey, you mind if I, er...

0:12:470:12:49

make a little announcement?

0:12:490:12:50

Well, only the captain gets to make an announcement, Greg.

0:12:500:12:53

Do you want to honk the horn?

0:12:550:12:56

Um...sure.

0:12:560:12:59

Only the captain gets to honk the horn.

0:12:590:13:01

# I'm gonna leave the city

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# Got to get away

0:13:040:13:07

# All this fussing and fighting... #

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Oh, look!

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GREG: Hey, Jinxy, see that?

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# Now baby, pack your leaving trunk

0:13:130:13:14

# You know we've got to leave today

0:13:140:13:16

# Just exactly where we're... #

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-PAM:

-LJ, are you hungry? Do you want some milk?

0:13:180:13:19

# We might even leave the USA... #

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HORN TOOTS Hey, Jack.

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Oh, she wants you to honk the horn.

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Not interested.

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Rules of the road - she honks, you honk.

0:13:290:13:33

Come on, Jack, give her a honk.

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HORN HONKS "Puff The Magic Dragon" There you go. Whoo, yeah.

0:13:350:13:38

Hey! Looks like a team or something.

0:13:380:13:41

"Honk if you're horny."

0:13:410:13:44

ALL GIGGLING AND CHEERING

0:13:440:13:46

Oh...

0:13:490:13:50

Thanks for that, Greg.

0:13:500:13:51

-ROZ:

-'For you, but I'm the one the gets the fumes.

0:13:590:14:01

'But, honey, I'm in the mood

0:14:010:14:02

'for a chimichanga.

0:14:020:14:03

-'So make a chimichang...'

-PHONE BEEPS

0:14:030:14:05

Hey, there.

0:14:090:14:11

No hard feelings, all right?

0:14:110:14:14

Friends?

0:14:140:14:15

COOING

0:14:150:14:17

What's that?

0:14:170:14:18

What are you saying?

0:14:180:14:19

Oh, wait a minute.

0:14:190:14:20

What does this mean?

0:14:200:14:21

I know what this means.

0:14:210:14:22

Squeeze, squeeze, squeeze.

0:14:220:14:24

Oh, poop. You got to poop, right?

0:14:240:14:26

OK, good.

0:14:260:14:27

Thank you for warning me.

0:14:270:14:28

BABY CRIES Everybody poops.

0:14:280:14:29

Sometimes it hurts.

0:14:290:14:30

It's OK, just let it...

0:14:300:14:31

Let it come out.

0:14:310:14:33

What'd you do, Focker?

0:14:330:14:34

Nothing. I think he has to poop.

0:14:340:14:36

That's not the sign

0:14:360:14:37

for poop, that's the sign for milk.

0:14:370:14:38

This is the sign for poop.

0:14:380:14:40

Well, then what's the sign for sour milk,

0:14:400:14:42

cos, er, this tastes a little funky.

0:14:420:14:44

That's because that's from Debbie's left breast, Greg.

0:14:440:14:46

LAUGHING

0:14:480:14:48

Ew.

0:14:480:14:50

Fortunately she pumped for a week

0:14:500:14:52

to give us enough for the trip.

0:14:520:14:54

OK...

0:14:540:14:55

snack pack for Little Jack.

0:14:550:14:57

GREG: What are you doing there?

0:14:570:14:59

Well, during the breast- feeding stage, Greg,

0:14:590:15:01

infants can get very confused and upset

0:15:010:15:03

when they're separated from their mothers.

0:15:030:15:05

So I invented something

0:15:050:15:06

to ease LJ's anxiety

0:15:060:15:08

during chow time.

0:15:080:15:09

I call it the mannary gland.

0:15:110:15:13

I had it made from an exact cast of Debbie's left bosom.

0:15:130:15:17

Oh, yeah, OK.

0:15:180:15:22

It's been so effective, I 'm thinking of getting it patented.

0:15:220:15:25

Would you like to touch it?

0:15:250:15:26

Uh, I wouldn't.

0:15:260:15:28

Oh, come on, feel how soft it is.

0:15:280:15:29

I can see how soft it is from here.

0:15:290:15:31

No, feel it, Greg.

0:15:310:15:32

It looks very...yeah.

0:15:320:15:33

Just feel the breast, Greg.

0:15:330:15:34

Just, er...

0:15:370:15:39

Oh, watch the nipple.

0:15:390:15:40

Just around here. The nipple is his.

0:15:400:15:42

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

0:15:450:15:46

It's got a great, lifelike kind of...

0:15:460:15:50

or what I would imagine Debbie's breast might,

0:15:500:15:52

might actually feel like, not that I would know.

0:15:520:15:55

-PAM:

-Greg?

0:16:000:16:01

What?

0:16:010:16:04

Honey, you promised you wouldn't

0:16:040:16:06

take the boob out in front of company.

0:16:060:16:08

Nothing to be ashamed of.

0:16:080:16:10

Breast-feeding is perfectly natural.

0:16:100:16:12

Dad, that's not natural. That's just weird.

0:16:120:16:15

As soon as Little Jack's topped off,

0:16:150:16:17

we're gonna hit the road.

0:16:170:16:19

HE GROANS

0:16:190:16:20

Oh, Jack, you can't drive anymore tonight.

0:16:200:16:23

Dr Monroe said

0:16:230:16:24

no aggravating your sciatica.

0:16:240:16:26

Honey, we're on a very precise schedule.

0:16:260:16:28

We bunk here tonight,

0:16:280:16:29

we hit horrendous traffic in the morning.

0:16:290:16:31

Greg?

0:16:320:16:34

Yeah?

0:16:340:16:35

Maybe you can drive the night shift.

0:16:350:16:37

I could do that.

0:16:370:16:39

I am the co-captain, so I think

0:16:390:16:41

-that falls under my responsibilities, right?

-Yeah!

0:16:410:16:43

Keep her at 55. Stay alert.

0:16:430:16:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've been wanting to get behind

0:16:460:16:47

the wheel of this big boy.

0:16:470:16:49

CARS AND TRUCKS HONK INSISTENTLY

0:16:490:16:52

I got it. Pass.

0:16:540:16:57

HONKING

0:16:570:16:58

Sorry, got to go 55. Captain Jack's orders.

0:16:590:17:03

Hmm...

0:17:040:17:06

Oh.

0:17:140:17:15

Hey.

0:17:180:17:20

Would you like some company, Greg?

0:17:200:17:22

Uh, yeah, sure, if you can't sleep.

0:17:220:17:24

Go on, have a seat.

0:17:240:17:26

REMOTE BEEPS

0:17:270:17:28

How 'bout a cappuccino?

0:17:340:17:36

Oh, you don't have to do that.

0:17:360:17:38

It's no problem for me.

0:17:380:17:40

Really?

0:17:400:17:41

-Yeah?

-OK.

0:17:410:17:42

Dina! Wake up and make Greg a cappuccino!

0:17:420:17:46

Shake a leg, woman!

0:17:460:17:47

Jesus, Jack, you know what? I'm not that tired, really.

0:17:470:17:51

Relax, Greg.

0:17:510:17:53

This cockpit's completely soundproof.

0:17:530:17:55

You should have seen the look on your face.

0:17:550:17:57

Oh, OK. You got me. That was a good one.

0:17:570:18:00

Yes, it was. Yes.

0:18:000:18:02

That was funny.

0:18:020:18:04

But you should never talk to a woman like that.

0:18:040:18:06

You know that, Greg. It's disrespectful.

0:18:060:18:09

Right. Of course. Yeah.

0:18:090:18:11

Greg, a man reaches an age

0:18:110:18:13

when he realises what's truly important.

0:18:130:18:15

Mm-hmm.

0:18:150:18:17

And you know what that is?

0:18:170:18:18

Love?

0:18:180:18:20

Friendship?

0:18:200:18:23

Enjoying the moment?

0:18:230:18:24

Living? Just...love.

0:18:240:18:27

His legacy.

0:18:270:18:29

That, too. Right, yeah. Sure.

0:18:290:18:31

Now, my grandson, Little Jack, is part of that legacy.

0:18:310:18:34

In six months, you and Pam

0:18:340:18:36

are going to be married

0:18:360:18:37

and sometime after that, you'll want to start a family of your own.

0:18:370:18:39

Right, yeah, actually, you know what?

0:18:390:18:40

On that subject, I've had some thoughts

0:18:400:18:42

about the wedding date.

0:18:420:18:43

We'll discuss that after this weekend, Greg.

0:18:430:18:45

Now let's get back on point.

0:18:450:18:46

Let me put it very simply.

0:18:460:18:48

If your family circle does indeed

0:18:480:18:50

join my family circle,

0:18:500:18:52

they'll form a chain.

0:18:520:18:54

I can't have a chink in my chain.

0:18:540:18:56

Mm...

0:18:560:18:57

Yeah, OK. I get the metaphor.

0:18:570:18:59

Now, I 've never met your parents,

0:18:590:19:01

so I'm not going to jump

0:19:010:19:02

to any hasty conclusions.

0:19:020:19:04

But, like studying a frozen caveman,

0:19:040:19:06

if I can see where you came from,

0:19:060:19:08

I'll have a much better idea of where you're going.

0:19:080:19:10

OK.

0:19:100:19:12

Are you thinking maybe

0:19:120:19:13

my parents might be, like, a chink in the chain, or...?

0:19:130:19:17

A doctor and a lawyer.

0:19:170:19:18

What's there to worry about?

0:19:180:19:20

Mm-hmm.

0:19:200:19:21

BIRDS CAWING

0:19:350:19:38

GRUNTING

0:19:430:19:46

-DINA:

-Ooh, it seems very nice.

0:19:460:19:48

GRUNTING

0:19:480:19:51

Is that your father?

0:19:510:19:54

Hoo, hah...

0:19:540:19:56

That is my father.

0:19:580:19:59

Hmm...mm...

0:19:590:20:01

Hah...ooh... hah, hoo, ah...

0:20:010:20:04

Hey, Gaylord!

0:20:090:20:10

What the heck is that contraption?

0:20:100:20:12

I thought you guys were flying in tonight.

0:20:120:20:13

I left you a message. I said we were driving down.

0:20:130:20:15

Oh, I didn't get a message. You didn't leave a message.

0:20:150:20:17

What are you talking about? I left you, like, five messages.

0:20:170:20:18

Will you get over here and plant one on me? We gonna talk about messages?

0:20:180:20:21

I've been waiting so long to see my best buddy!

0:20:210:20:24

-Good to see you.

-Come here! Come here!

0:20:240:20:26

-OK.

-Oh, I missed your smell.

0:20:260:20:28

All right, all right.

0:20:280:20:29

Is this not the most handsome young man

0:20:290:20:31

you've ever seen in your life?

0:20:310:20:32

I used to call him a young Jewish Marlon Brando.

0:20:320:20:34

Oh!

0:20:340:20:36

Can you believe I conceived him with one testicle?

0:20:360:20:39

No, really. It's true.

0:20:400:20:42

I only have one because the other never dropped.

0:20:420:20:44

It's called an undescending testicle.

0:20:440:20:46

It's not uncommon. But look at him.

0:20:470:20:49

Imagine what he would have looked like if I had two.

0:20:490:20:52

-That's a good icebreaker, Dad.

-Whoa!

0:20:550:20:57

-Whoa!

-There's the sexiest

0:20:570:20:59

second grade teacher I've ever seen in my life.

0:20:590:21:01

-BLOWS RASPBERRY ON NECK

-Oh, that was a good one!

0:21:010:21:03

It gets her every time. Goose bumps.

0:21:030:21:06

She loves it.

0:21:060:21:07

I'm Dina Byrnes. It's so nice to meet you.

0:21:070:21:09

Oh, ze pleasure is all mine, ma cherie.

0:21:090:21:12

Whoo!

0:21:120:21:14

You got to be the flower man.

0:21:140:21:16

That's right. Jack Byrnes, Pam's father.

0:21:160:21:18

-MIMICKING STOIC TONE:

-And I'm Bernard Focker, Gaylord's father.

0:21:180:21:20

And we're all grown-ups here and we shake hands like men.

0:21:200:21:23

All right, Dad.

0:21:230:21:25

Oh, we're just playing here. Give me some love.

0:21:270:21:29

We're family now.

0:21:320:21:33

What are you so shy about?

0:21:330:21:35

Come here. Mwah! Mwah!

0:21:350:21:38

Oh, wow. Whoo! Look at those pecs. Wow.

0:21:380:21:41

You're harder than sheet rock. Now tell me the truth -

0:21:410:21:43

now you gotta work out with weights, right?

0:21:430:21:44

Well, I do various calisthenics

0:21:440:21:46

and medicine ball training

0:21:460:21:48

and I play bi-monthly football.

0:21:480:21:49

Oh, footie- footie-football.

0:21:490:21:51

I was just practicing my Capoeira. What?

0:21:510:21:54

Oh, Capoeira, yeah. The Brazilian martial art of dance-fighting, yes.

0:21:540:21:57

He knows what that is. Yeah.

0:21:570:21:59

You know, I 've been doing it for weeks.

0:21:590:22:01

Really into it. Keeps me level.

0:22:010:22:04

Because sometimes I get wound up so tight,

0:22:040:22:06

I could just snap.

0:22:060:22:08

-You know what I mean?

-BABY CRIES

0:22:080:22:10

What is that? What is that?

0:22:100:22:12

-Is that a baby on board?

-That's a baby, yes.

0:22:120:22:14

Yeah, mm-hmm.

0:22:140:22:15

It's all in the message.

0:22:150:22:17

DOG YIPS

0:22:170:22:18

Hey, Moses.

0:22:180:22:19

Go ahead, say hello to your future in-laws.

0:22:190:22:21

-Hey!

-No, no, he's harmless.

0:22:210:22:23

Yeah, and fixed. Moses!

0:22:230:22:25

-It's all right, he's...

-Shake him.

0:22:250:22:26

Just shake him off.

0:22:260:22:27

No, don't shake. He likes the shaking. Moses, get off!

0:22:270:22:29

Don't worry, the pink part didn't get on you.

0:22:290:22:31

Moses, get. Go. Get in your basket! Go!

0:22:310:22:34

He's all talk.

0:22:340:22:35

Who's this little guy?

0:22:350:22:36

This is our grandson, Little Jack.

0:22:360:22:38

A widdle baby!

0:22:380:22:40

HE SINGS AND GIBBERS

0:22:400:22:42

How are you, widdle Jack?

0:22:420:22:43

Hey, Dad, don't infantilise him.

0:22:430:22:46

Just talk to him like a person.

0:22:460:22:47

What are you talking about? He's a baby.

0:22:470:22:49

I want to talk to him like he's a baby.

0:22:490:22:51

GOOFY GIBBERING

0:22:510:22:52

BABY CRIES

0:22:520:22:54

He likes me!

0:22:550:22:57

When Roz's dad died, I said, "Hey,

0:22:570:22:59

"we're freezing our tushies off here in Detroit.

0:22:590:23:01

"You know, let's head south

0:23:010:23:03

"and get some year- round fun in the sun."

0:23:030:23:05

-Ooh!

-Wow...

0:23:050:23:06

This house is over a hundred years old, so...

0:23:060:23:07

-Dad...

-Yes.

0:23:070:23:08

Continue the tour - I'm gonna tell Mom we're here, OK?

0:23:080:23:10

Oh, the upstairs bathroom is on el fritzo,

0:23:100:23:12

so we're all gonna have to share this one

0:23:120:23:13

for now, and since there's a water scarcity on the island,

0:23:130:23:16

we kind of abide by the,

0:23:160:23:17

"If it's yellow, let it mellow;

0:23:170:23:19

"if it's brown, flush it down" policy.

0:23:190:23:21

Whoops, forgot my own rule.

0:23:230:23:25

TOILET FLUSHES

0:23:270:23:28

The RV's paying for itself already.

0:23:280:23:31

-MUSIC PLAYS

-All right, kids...

0:23:310:23:32

forward and backward.

0:23:320:23:35

Rotate those hips.

0:23:350:23:38

Let's get your kundalini rising.

0:23:380:23:41

And now it's time for the ladies

0:23:410:23:43

to get into the "reverse cowgirl" position.

0:23:430:23:45

Guys, you have to lie across the liberator pad like so.

0:23:450:23:48

Everyone look at how Ira's doing it.

0:23:480:23:50

Bingo, bango, bongo.

0:23:500:23:52

The man is loose, he's limber and he's ready for action.

0:23:520:23:54

So climb aboard, girls,

0:23:540:23:56

and let me hear your bodies talk.

0:23:560:23:58

Whoa!

0:23:580:23:59

Yes, this position is terrific

0:23:590:24:02

for anyone with osteoporosis, gout or goiter.

0:24:020:24:04

Stay with me, kids, we're almost done.

0:24:040:24:06

Ah! Honey!

0:24:070:24:09

Oh, all right, guys. We have to wrap it up.

0:24:090:24:12

Everyone, remember to take

0:24:120:24:13

your liberator pads, and don't forget

0:24:130:24:15

to stretch before you try this at home.

0:24:150:24:17

We don't want anyone

0:24:170:24:18

shattering a pelvis.

0:24:180:24:20

Hello, my precious!

0:24:200:24:22

Oh, I love you so much.

0:24:220:24:23

I haven't seen my bubeleh in months.

0:24:230:24:26

Honey, you feel thin.

0:24:260:24:27

-No, no.

-You're not eating.

0:24:270:24:28

-What's the matter?

-No, I 'm fine.

0:24:280:24:29

Mom, how are we going to explain all these people to the Byrneses?

0:24:290:24:31

Oh, honey, they're leaving.

0:24:310:24:32

The Byrneses won't know they were here.

0:24:320:24:34

OK, it's just we agreed to be discreet

0:24:340:24:35

about you being a sex therapist this weekend,

0:24:350:24:37

at least until you get to know Jack and Dina a little better, right?

0:24:370:24:39

Don't worry, I 'll be discreet.

0:24:390:24:40

I put all my toys away and my office is all ready for them

0:24:400:24:43

to sleep in.

0:24:430:24:44

No. Your office?! No. No, no. We're putting them upstairs.

0:24:440:24:45

No, your father thought they'd be more comfortable down here.

0:24:450:24:47

The upstairs plumbing, you don't want to know.

0:24:470:24:49

Talk to me about something important, honey.

0:24:490:24:51

How are things with you and Pam?

0:24:510:24:52

-They're great. Yeah.

-They're great?

0:24:520:24:54

Because, you know, after two years,

0:24:540:24:55

you have to work to keep things going.

0:24:550:24:57

Does she still climax regularly?

0:24:570:24:59

Mom, you can't talk that way this weekend, OK?

0:24:590:25:01

Honey, I 'm just saying.

0:25:010:25:03

I didn't raise you to be a so-so lover.

0:25:030:25:04

I know. What is he doing?

0:25:040:25:06

What? Don't worry about that.

0:25:060:25:08

Mom, Mom, you got to get these people out of here now.

0:25:080:25:11

-OK. OK. OK.

-Wipe that little gloss off you.

0:25:110:25:14

OK. Mwah mwah mwah!

0:25:140:25:16

-BERNIE:

-No, they converted it, I'm serious.

0:25:160:25:18

-You hunt dear, Bernard?

-What? No.

0:25:180:25:19

I hate that thing.

0:25:190:25:20

Roz's father gave it to us.

0:25:200:25:21

He was into all that macho-wacho crap.

0:25:210:25:25

Oh, so's Greg.

0:25:250:25:26

He and I went duck hunting together, didn't we, Greg?

0:25:260:25:27

-Hmm?

-Duck hunting - me and you?

0:25:270:25:29

Duck hunting, yeah.

0:25:290:25:30

What? Gay.

0:25:300:25:32

Yeah?

0:25:320:25:32

You went duck hunting with Jack?

0:25:320:25:34

Um, yeah, we went,

0:25:340:25:36

we did, we went on a little hunting trip.

0:25:360:25:37

You shot a duck.

0:25:370:25:39

I shot at a duck, and, mm-hmm.

0:25:390:25:41

You killed an innocent creature of the sky?

0:25:410:25:44

I don't... Did I?

0:25:440:25:45

I think I might have clipped it, or...

0:25:450:25:47

I never really checked.

0:25:470:25:49

Oh, lord.

0:26:160:26:17

And now...

0:26:170:26:19

for the piece de resistance.

0:26:190:26:21

-PAM:

-Wow!

0:26:220:26:23

DINA: Oh, my goodness.

0:26:230:26:25

A little something I've been working on.

0:26:250:26:27

Oh, I see. Oh.

0:26:270:26:28

Mom will be in in a sec. What's that?

0:26:300:26:32

It's you! It's the wall of Gaylord.

0:26:320:26:35

The wall of...Gaylord?

0:26:350:26:37

Isn't it nice to finally

0:26:370:26:38

display your accomplishments, son?

0:26:380:26:40

Yeah.

0:26:400:26:41

Honey, look at all your awards. That's great.

0:26:410:26:43

Mm. He's my champion.

0:26:430:26:44

Oh, I didn't know they made ninth-place ribbons.

0:26:440:26:46

Oh, Jack, they got them all the way up to 10th place.

0:26:460:26:49

GREG: Hey, anybody want to get a drink out by the lagoon?

0:26:490:26:51

This one looks impressive.

0:26:510:26:53

"Mazel tov, Gaylord M Focker,

0:26:530:26:55

"World's greatest nurse."

0:26:550:26:57

HE LAUGHS

0:26:570:26:58

Very nice.

0:26:580:26:59

We have always tried to instill a sense of self in Gaylord...

0:26:590:27:02

(Be nice!)

0:27:020:27:03

..without being too goal-oriented.

0:27:030:27:04

Not about winning or losing.

0:27:040:27:06

It's about passion.

0:27:060:27:07

GREG SIGHS

0:27:070:27:09

We just wanted him to love what he's doing.

0:27:090:27:12

You know what I mean, Jack?

0:27:120:27:13

-JACK:

-Not really, Bernard.

0:27:130:27:14

I think a competitive drive is the essential key

0:27:140:27:16

that makes America the only remaining superpower in the world today.

0:27:160:27:19

Well, whatever works.

0:27:200:27:21

Mm-hmm.

0:27:210:27:23

-< ROZ:

-All right, gang, don't forget the positions.

0:27:230:27:24

Bye, Dr Roz. You're a life-saver.

0:27:240:27:26

-ROZ:

-Oh, thank you, BJ.

0:27:260:27:27

Goodbye, Sidelle. Ira, remember, easy on the thrusting.

0:27:270:27:30

You're not 78 anymore.

0:27:300:27:31

< Bingo, bango, bongo. DINA LAUGHS

0:27:310:27:33

Oh, what-what kind of work does your mother do with those patients, Greg?

0:27:330:27:35

DINA: Those look like yoga mats.

0:27:350:27:37

Is there yoga involved?

0:27:370:27:38

It's yoga-esque.

0:27:380:27:40

It's sort of, um, a-a...

0:27:400:27:41

a-a couples therapy.

0:27:410:27:43

Kind of mind/body. It's kind of her own, sort of... It's...

0:27:430:27:46

-BERNIE:

-Rozala! Sweetheart! Living room!

0:27:460:27:49

Hello! Hello, hello!

0:27:490:27:51

-Hi!

-How are you, baby girl?

0:27:510:27:54

-Oh, my God.

-Hi, Roz.

0:27:540:27:55

-Oh, my God, look at you. You're glowing!

-Oh, thank you!

0:27:550:27:57

Hi. I'm Roz Focker.

0:27:570:28:00

-You must be Jack.

-I am.

0:28:000:28:01

And you must be Dina.

0:28:010:28:02

-Oh, hi.

-Hello.

0:28:020:28:03

I-I just can't believe

0:28:030:28:04

it's taken us this long to meet, huh?

0:28:040:28:06

HE COOS

0:28:060:28:07

And who's this little hair ball?

0:28:070:28:09

-BERNIE:

-Oh, they brought their little grandson Baby Jack along.

0:28:090:28:10

He's so adorable.

0:28:100:28:12

I could eat him up!

0:28:120:28:13

Oh, Bern, did you show them where they're sleeping?

0:28:130:28:15

Right, right, right.

0:28:150:28:16

Because we don't have any air conditioning,

0:28:160:28:18

I made up a nice spot for you in Roz's office,

0:28:180:28:21

cos it gets the best breeze,

0:28:210:28:22

and it's very near the communal commode.

0:28:220:28:23

Oh, well, well, you know, actually,

0:28:230:28:25

we are gonna stay in our motor home. It's...

0:28:250:28:27

In the trailer? Come on, Jack.

0:28:270:28:28

We...we're family. We sleep under the same roof. Traitor.

0:28:280:28:32

Mom's office is kind of cluttered, so that-that that works out all right.

0:28:320:28:34

-It's really easier with Little Jack.

-It's not right.

0:28:340:28:36

No, no, really we insist.

0:28:360:28:38

-Well, if you don't mind...

-Bern, if they want to sleep in a trailer,

0:28:380:28:39

let them sleep in a trailer.

0:28:390:28:41

Right. Well, Mom, it's not actually...

0:28:410:28:42

It's not a trailer. It's kind of like...

0:28:420:28:43

It's like a... like a hotel on wheels.

0:28:430:28:44

-I mean, it's incredible.

-But this is practically is a hotel,

0:28:440:28:46

because I was gonna do a whole turndown service with little chocolates under the pillow.

0:28:460:28:49

Honey, I know, but it's their choice. Wherever you feel most comfortable is fine.

0:28:490:28:51

-BERN:

-It's not right.

0:28:510:28:52

-ROZ:

-Bern, let it go.

-Let it go? Fine.

0:28:520:28:55

-Yes.

-Yeah, let it go.

0:28:550:28:56

-Let it go.

-What, are you sulking now?

0:28:560:28:58

Look at this - I married a teenager.

0:28:580:28:59

-Right?

-Yeah.

0:28:590:29:00

At least you have the libido of a teenager.

0:29:000:29:02

I gave her a little matinee today.

0:29:020:29:03

-GASPING:

-Oh! Don't you dare! Stop it!

0:29:030:29:05

BERNIE AND ROZ LAUGH

0:29:050:29:06

How about a double feature?

0:29:060:29:08

THEY LAUGH

0:29:080:29:09

-Come on, come on.

-Everything is so...

0:29:090:29:11

Lagoon! Why don't we go show them the lagoon?

0:29:110:29:13

The lagoon. Come see the lagoon.

0:29:130:29:14

The lagoon, Jack. Come on, come on, come on.

0:29:140:29:16

I'd like to see the lagoon.

0:29:160:29:17

We'll get drunk, we'll take a piss in the lagoon!

0:29:170:29:18

JACK CHUCKLES

0:29:180:29:20

GREG GROANS Oh, God.

0:29:310:29:32

GREG: Hey, Dad.

0:29:330:29:35

-It's going good so far, right?

-Dad,

0:29:350:29:36

you got to take down that weird shrine thing.

0:29:360:29:38

Well, I 'm very proud of you, Gaylord.

0:29:380:29:40

What's wrong with showing it?

0:29:400:29:41

It's ridiculous!

0:29:410:29:42

Most people aren't proud of sixth-place ribbons.

0:29:420:29:44

Most people? Since when you do care about most people?

0:29:440:29:47

I don't, but J-Jack is really into winning

0:29:470:29:50

and competition and sports.

0:29:500:29:52

It's a whole other thing with him.

0:29:520:29:53

Hey, hey, you're a winner

0:29:530:29:55

up here and in here, and that's all that matters.

0:29:550:29:58

OK. Thank you.

0:29:580:29:59

I don't know what that means, but thank you.

0:29:590:30:01

So to solve that problem,

0:30:010:30:03

I created a lifelike latex left breast

0:30:030:30:06

moulded from his mother's actual left breast,

0:30:060:30:08

so this way, LJ would avoid any nipple confusion.

0:30:080:30:11

You're avoiding confusion by strapping a boob on a man?

0:30:110:30:15

Well, yeah. Believe it or not, it is less confusing

0:30:150:30:17

-because of the texture of the...

-Mom.

0:30:170:30:19

..breast itself...

0:30:190:30:21

Uh, I guess it's very, um...creative.

0:30:210:30:25

It's very creative.

0:30:250:30:26

BERNIE SINGS FANFARE OFF-KEY

0:30:260:30:28

# A little birdie told me that one of our guests here

0:30:280:30:32

# Is a Tom Collins man! #

0:30:320:30:35

HE IMITATES ROARING ENGINE

0:30:350:30:36

Oh, for pity's sake!

0:30:360:30:37

-Isn't that nice, Jack?

-Everybody...

0:30:370:30:38

That is nice. Thank you.

0:30:380:30:40

All right. Wait. Don't drink!

0:30:400:30:42

I want to make a toast.

0:30:420:30:43

Now, I had a vasectomy in 1974.

0:30:450:30:48

-'73, honey.

-You're right, '73.

0:30:480:30:51

So, unfortunately, I never had a chance to procreate a daughter.

0:30:510:30:53

But had I been able to,

0:30:530:30:55

I really would have wanted...

0:30:550:30:57

a girl as sensitive and as intelligent

0:30:570:30:59

and as beautiful as this young lady

0:30:590:31:03

sitting right here before us.

0:31:030:31:05

-Thank you, Bernie.

-And if I might add,

0:31:050:31:07

-she's not an accident.

-Greg, quick.

0:31:070:31:09

Yeah.

0:31:090:31:10

-I thought you had a sister.

-Nope. No sister.

0:31:100:31:14

You said you had a sister.

0:31:140:31:15

You said you milked your sister's cat.

0:31:150:31:17

-BERNIE:

-OK, I 'm not done yet. What I'm trying to say is,

0:31:220:31:26

it's taken far too long to do this, you know,

0:31:260:31:29

but we're finally all together.

0:31:290:31:31

PAM: Aw...

0:31:310:31:32

-ROZ:

-That's nice, honey.

0:31:320:31:33

Oh, thank you.

0:31:330:31:35

-BERNIE:

-All right, that's enough.

0:31:360:31:38

-L'chaim, everyone!

-ALL: L'chaim! JACK:

-Lahaim!

0:31:380:31:41

La-ch-ch...

0:31:410:31:42

Like you have popcorn stuck in the throat. It's a "chuh"...

0:31:420:31:45

OK, to family.

0:31:450:31:46

THEY LAUGH

0:31:460:31:48

-BERNIE:

-Oh, I forgot. I want to say

0:31:490:31:51

one more thing about my vasectomy.

0:31:510:31:53

-ROZ:

-No. Sit down. No, no.

-BERNIE:

-One tesi... What?

0:31:530:31:54

-ROZ:

-Honey, get yourself over here, huh?

0:31:540:31:56

I went overboard?

0:31:560:31:57

-A little bit, honey, but it's OK.

-No, no, it's just because...

0:31:570:31:59

You're so cute, they forgive you anything.

0:31:590:32:01

-BERNIE:

-God, you're so beautiful. You are the sexiest woman alive.

0:32:010:32:05

I mean it.

0:32:050:32:06

-ROZ:

-You're just trying to get me back into bed.

0:32:060:32:09

-BERNIE:

-Or the hammock.

0:32:090:32:10

-HE CLEARS THROAT

-Bernard, this is a delicious Tom Collins.

0:32:100:32:13

What I did is, I used real lemon juice.

0:32:130:32:15

It's from our trees here. That's the secret.

0:32:150:32:17

He was squeezing all afternoon.

0:32:170:32:18

Yes, and, Jack, I managed to make some lemon juice, too,

0:32:180:32:21

-if you know what I...

-BERNIE AND ROZ LAUGH

0:32:210:32:24

-Oh!

-Oh!

0:32:240:32:25

-BERNIE:

-Gay, you all right?

0:32:250:32:26

Greg, are you OK, honey? Are you sure?

0:32:260:32:28

DUCKS QUACK, CRICKETS CHIRRUP

0:32:280:32:30

DINA: Well, I think that Roz and Bernie seem like very nice people.

0:32:340:32:39

Oh, very nice people.

0:32:390:32:41

A little off-colour, but very nice.

0:32:410:32:43

Oh, but isn't it wonderful, Jack,

0:32:430:32:45

after all this build-up,

0:32:450:32:46

the kids are finally getting married?! I feel so happy.

0:32:460:32:49

-LJ COOS

-Wait a second. I think he just spoke.

0:32:490:32:52

Little Jack, were you about to speak?

0:32:520:32:54

HE BREAKS WIND

0:32:540:32:55

No, just a little flatulence. What were you saying, honey?

0:32:570:32:59

Nothing, dear.

0:32:590:33:01

Guys.

0:33:030:33:04

-What?

-Where you going?

0:33:040:33:06

We're checking out Jack's macho-wacho trailer.

0:33:060:33:08

Yeah. I want to see that boob.

0:33:080:33:10

Hey, sweetie, can I talk to you for a second?

0:33:100:33:12

Yeah. Hey, listen, don't let Moses

0:33:120:33:13

go in there. They have a cat.

0:33:130:33:14

-Moses is perfectly trained.

-What boob?

0:33:140:33:17

Dad, he humps everything that moves.

0:33:170:33:18

-He's like his father.

-I never cheated on you!

0:33:180:33:20

They're not listening.

0:33:200:33:22

What's up?

0:33:250:33:26

They seem to be getting along really well, don't you think?

0:33:260:33:28

-Yeah, they do.

-Yeah.

0:33:280:33:29

I know, I kind of feel bad that I worried so much.

0:33:290:33:31

Yeah. OK.

0:33:310:33:33

What's going on?

0:33:330:33:34

I'm pregnant.

0:33:350:33:36

-You're pregnant?

-Mm-hmm.

0:33:360:33:38

I'm two weeks late, I'm nauseous,

0:33:380:33:41

my boobs hurt and I can smell everything.

0:33:410:33:43

-You're going to have a baby!

-Yeah!

0:33:430:33:44

-A baby. Yeah.

-We're going to have a little baby.

0:33:440:33:47

I'm pregnant.

0:33:470:33:48

I j... I...

0:33:480:33:50

SHE GIGGLES

0:33:500:33:52

Yeah.

0:33:530:33:54

Oh, shit.

0:33:560:33:58

You realise your father's going to kill me.

0:33:590:34:01

No, no, no, no.

0:34:010:34:03

He's not going to find out,

0:34:030:34:05

because we're not going to tell him.

0:34:050:34:06

No, no, no, no, no.

0:34:060:34:07

Come on, he's a human lie detector.

0:34:070:34:09

He lives to sniff out stuff like this.

0:34:090:34:10

We will get through this weekend, we'll get through tomorrow,

0:34:100:34:12

and we'll tell them on Sunday before we go.

0:34:120:34:14

OK, we'll tell them all.

0:34:140:34:16

I just hate the idea of keeping secrets from your dad.

0:34:160:34:18

It's just one little secret.

0:34:180:34:20

Oh! hi, neighbours.

0:34:210:34:22

Hello.

0:34:220:34:23

The Fockers, honey.

0:34:230:34:25

Hello! Fancy-schmancy!

0:34:250:34:27

Welcome to the chateau.

0:34:270:34:28

No wonder they don't want to sleep in our shitbox.

0:34:280:34:30

Look at this place.

0:34:300:34:31

-Whoa.

-DOG YIPS

0:34:310:34:32

I don't think the dog is such a good idea.

0:34:320:34:34

Don't worry, Moses is more of a lover than a fighter.

0:34:340:34:36

-JINX SCREECHES

-Jinx!

0:34:360:34:37

-Moses!

-He's always dreamed of me having a white wedding.

0:34:380:34:41

You don't know how upset he's going to be.

0:34:410:34:42

No, I do know.

0:34:420:34:43

-Moses!

-Oh, no!

0:34:430:34:46

-Moses!

-Jinxy!

0:34:460:34:47

-Poopsie!

-No!

0:34:470:34:48

I told you to keep him out of the RV.

0:34:480:34:49

He said he wanted to see the RV.

0:34:490:34:51

-Dad!

-Moses! Moses!

0:34:510:34:53

Get that goddamn dog out of here!

0:34:530:34:54

Mo...!

0:34:580:34:59

-MR JINX PURRS

-Oh, God.

0:34:590:35:01

MOSES WHIMPERS GREG: Dad!

0:35:010:35:03

-BERNIE:

-Oh.

-GREG: Jinx... Jinx, don't do it.

0:35:040:35:06

-Jinxy, no.

-Jinx, don't do it.

0:35:060:35:08

-No!

-No!

-MOSES WHIMPERS

0:35:080:35:10

Jesus! Moses! Hold on!

0:35:100:35:13

Moses, hold on! I'm going to save you!

0:35:170:35:18

The cat can flush?

0:35:180:35:20

Oh, my God! Moses!

0:35:200:35:22

-Out of the way!

-It's OK, baby.

0:35:220:35:23

Get out of the way!

0:35:230:35:25

Hey, what the hell are you doing?!

0:35:250:35:26

-I got to get my dog!

-Forget your dog. What about my toilet?

0:35:260:35:29

Moses!

0:35:300:35:31

-BERNIE:

-Oh! oh!

0:35:330:35:35

Greg, grab the baby. Grab the baby.

0:35:350:35:37

BABY SQUEALS

0:35:370:35:39

BABY CRIES

0:35:390:35:42

-BERNIE:

-He's alive!

0:35:470:35:48

He's fine.

0:35:480:35:50

So much for the protection of our rolling safe house.

0:35:500:35:53

Oh, honey, he was trying to save his pet.

0:35:530:35:55

I mean, what if it was Jinxy

0:35:550:35:57

who got flushed into a toilet?

0:35:570:35:59

Mr Jinx has had extensive aquatic training.

0:35:590:36:01

He would've known exactly what to do in the event of a submersion.

0:36:010:36:03

MR JINX PURRS

0:36:030:36:04

MOSES SNARLS, BERNIE CLEARS THROAT

0:36:060:36:08

20-minute warning for dinner, guys. Sorry about the trailer, Jack.

0:36:080:36:12

(Muskrat.)

0:36:130:36:15

-It's OK, Bernard.

-MOSES SNARLS

0:36:170:36:20

There's no way we're telling your father this weekend.

0:36:210:36:22

I know - that's what I was saying.

0:36:220:36:24

So what do you want to do?

0:36:240:36:25

I'm not sure. I never thought this would be an issue.

0:36:250:36:27

I always thought we'd be married before we got pregnant.

0:36:270:36:29

-Hey.

-What?

0:36:290:36:31

What if we move the wedding up to next month?

0:36:320:36:34

-What?

-Yeah. Then we tell your dad that you got pregnant on the honeymoon.

0:36:340:36:38

Oh, my God. Yeah, that could work.

0:36:380:36:40

-Yeah, it's perfect, right?

-Yeah.

0:36:400:36:42

-OK, good. Just follow my lead.

-OK.

0:36:420:36:43

-OK.

-OK.

0:36:430:36:45

BERNIE SINGS FANFARE

0:36:450:36:47

Without further ado, my famous Focker fondue.

0:36:470:36:50

ALL EXCLAIM

0:36:500:36:51

Go on, dig in. Come on, get it while it's hot.

0:36:510:36:53

That is so impressive, Bernie.

0:36:530:36:55

Did you do that yourself?

0:36:550:36:56

Oh, sure. Oh, I love to cook.

0:36:560:36:58

I can't even fry an egg.

0:36:580:36:59

-BERNIE:

-True.

-ROZ:

-I burn corn flakes!

-THEY LAUGH

0:36:590:37:02

I'm amazed he finds the time to cook with such a high-powered legal career.

0:37:020:37:05

High-powered? I wouldn't exactly call it high... Ow.

0:37:050:37:09

-He kicked me. Why'd you kick me?

-I ki-ki-kicked you

0:37:090:37:11

because you're being modest,

0:37:110:37:13

and you should tell people that you are a good lawyer, which he is.

0:37:130:37:16

And-and-and he's fought some really big, important legal battles.

0:37:160:37:20

The truth is, Jack, when Gay was born,

0:37:200:37:21

I stopped practicing and became a stay-at-home dad.

0:37:210:37:24

Oh, believe me, he won a trial or two in his day.

0:37:240:37:27

Oh, extremely good trial lawyer.

0:37:270:37:29

A regular Clarence Darrow.

0:37:290:37:30

So Roz was the primary breadwinner, and you didn't have a job.

0:37:300:37:33

-PAM:

-Dad...

0:37:330:37:35

Oh, honey, come on. You could say he had the hardest job.

0:37:350:37:38

Oh, he's-he's just kidding.

0:37:380:37:39

Of course I'm... Yes.

0:37:390:37:41

Why don't we just jump into the topic of the hour, mmm?

0:37:410:37:43

The big Focker-Byrnes wedding?

0:37:430:37:44

-Oh.

-Yes. Good.

0:37:440:37:45

I know we've been talking about a-a fall wedding.

0:37:450:37:48

BERNIE SPEAKS SPANISH TO ISABEL

0:37:480:37:51

ISABEL SPEAKS SPANISH

0:37:510:37:52

Is that Isabel?

0:37:520:37:54

Oh, yeah, our former housekeeper, Isabel.

0:37:540:37:55

You know she has her own catering business now. Isn't that great?

0:37:550:37:59

And I-I asked her to come and help Bernie in the kitchen this weekend.

0:37:590:38:01

You didn't tell me she was here.

0:38:010:38:02

Gay had a monster crush on her when he was a teenager.

0:38:020:38:04

-PAM:

-Really?

0:38:040:38:06

I didn't have a monster crush.

0:38:060:38:07

-You didn't tell me about that.

-Yeah, because it's not true.

0:38:070:38:09

Oh, not true that I didn't catch you doing a little ba-ziga to her passport photo

0:38:090:38:13

when you were what, 13?

0:38:130:38:14

-ROZ:

-Honey, stop.

-BERNIE:

-I walk in the door, and zuga-zuga-zuga.

0:38:140:38:17

Oh, there's my baby.

0:38:170:38:19

-Hey...

-Hey, mi mijo.

0:38:190:38:22

-Como estas?

-Good to see you.

0:38:240:38:26

I-I haven't seen you in years.

0:38:270:38:29

-I know.

-Mm.

0:38:290:38:31

Yes, you've... Wow.

0:38:310:38:33

Yeah, look at you. You look...

0:38:330:38:34

I know.

0:38:340:38:36

-Yeah, you look...

-I had a boob job.

-Oh.

0:38:360:38:37

BABY COOS

0:38:370:38:38

-Yeah, yeah.

-You see.

0:38:380:38:41

Hey, this is, um, Dina and Jack Byrnes.

0:38:410:38:43

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

0:38:430:38:44

Hi, Isabel. JACK SPEAKS SPANISH

0:38:440:38:46

-And this is Pam Byrnes, my fiancee.

-Hi.

0:38:460:38:49

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

0:38:490:38:51

-<

-It's nice to meet you, too.

0:38:510:38:53

Not yet married, and already a little one?

0:38:530:38:57

Hmm?

0:38:570:38:58

He is a handsome little Focker.

0:38:580:39:00

-BABY LAUGHS

-Si!

0:39:000:39:02

-Oh, no, he's not a Focker.

-Yeah, no, he's not mine.

0:39:020:39:04

And still you stayed to raise her child?

0:39:040:39:07

-Good for you.

->

0:39:070:39:08

-JACK:

-No, he's Pam's nephew.

0:39:080:39:09

He has no connection to Greg whatsoever.

0:39:090:39:12

SHE SPEAKS SPANISH

0:39:140:39:15

I love you, too.

0:39:160:39:17

Mama, mama.

0:39:170:39:18

Oh, he wants milk.

0:39:180:39:20

EVERYONE LAUGHS

0:39:200:39:22

Little Jack, no. Those aren't for you.

0:39:220:39:23

PAM: Dad...

0:39:240:39:26

EVERYONE LAUGHS

0:39:280:39:30

-Mom.

-I think I'll take him inside.

0:39:300:39:33

-JACK:

-Good idea.

0:39:330:39:34

You are a very lucky woman, Pam.

0:39:370:39:40

-Oh.

-He is very special, this one.

0:39:400:39:44

I think so, too.

0:39:440:39:45

Ooh, I could tell you some stories about him.

0:39:450:39:47

Really?

0:39:470:39:48

Oh, she's just being silly.

0:39:480:39:51

Uh, it was nice to meet you all.

0:39:510:39:53

-Nice to meet you.

-Nice to meet you.

0:39:530:39:54

So sweet. Gosh. So sweet.

0:39:540:39:57

Hmm.

0:39:570:39:58

Hey, you guys want some more, er, wine?

0:39:580:40:01

Mas vino por la mama, si.

0:40:010:40:04

Hey.

0:40:050:40:06

Hey, you did good, Gregorgio.

0:40:060:40:08

She's very pretty, this one, huh?

0:40:080:40:10

Yeah, she's, er... she's really great.

0:40:100:40:12

-Really great.

-I see.

0:40:120:40:13

Can you believe it's been 15 years? Ay, Dios!

0:40:130:40:18

So many wonderful memories from those days.

0:40:180:40:21

Yes, yes, a lot of wonderful...

0:40:210:40:23

kind of...private... memories.

0:40:230:40:26

So you never told your fiancee about us, huh?

0:40:260:40:30

Um, no, I don't think I did. I don't, er, think... I don't think it ever really came up on my end.

0:40:300:40:34

Not that I didn't want her to know. I just... It just never really...

0:40:340:40:36

-Ah, si.

-Yeah, and not that I didn't...

0:40:360:40:38

I mean, not that it wasn't great,

0:40:380:40:39

and it was really, you know, for me, it was, like...

0:40:390:40:41

And you were so... helpful, and-and...

0:40:410:40:44

Hey, don't you worry, baby. Your secret's safe with me.

0:40:440:40:47

OK. There's no secrets, but good, yeah.

0:40:470:40:50

Maybe we keep it quiet this weekend, and then...

0:40:500:40:52

Because, yeah, I don't want Pam to feel uncomfortable.

0:40:520:40:54

And then later, when it's the proper, you know, setting, I can...

0:40:540:40:57

OK, yeah. OK, good.

0:40:570:40:58

And the... Good.

0:40:580:41:01

Oh, and the fondue.

0:41:010:41:02

Fondue is going... it's going over.

0:41:020:41:04

Gay, you're just in time to hear me tell the gang

0:41:040:41:06

how you lost your virginity to Isabel.

0:41:060:41:08

He was 19, a late bloomer.

0:41:110:41:14

You s-s-slept with Isabel?

0:41:140:41:16

We were relieved.

0:41:160:41:18

Why...why would you... why-why would you bring that up?

0:41:180:41:20

What's the problem? It was what, 15 years ago?

0:41:200:41:22

Honey, your father thought that it would be fun

0:41:220:41:25

to share stories about our first time.

0:41:250:41:26

Really? That sounds like fun. That's...

0:41:260:41:29

It's...fine.

0:41:290:41:31

Come on, tell us how you poppity-popped your cherry.

0:41:310:41:33

-Come on.

-I really don't feel comfortable

0:41:330:41:35

discussing that with you, Bernard.

0:41:350:41:36

You know what, I'm going to suggest that we get back to talking about the wedding.

0:41:360:41:39

-Yeah.

-OK?

0:41:390:41:40

Thank you, Bernard.

0:41:400:41:41

LJ CRIES What?

0:41:410:41:43

Mom, didn't you just take Little Jack back to the room?

0:41:430:41:46

-JACK:

-I'm monitoring him from a high-powered

0:41:460:41:47

multidirectional microphone planted in his crib.

0:41:470:41:49

Oh, baby monitors, hidden cameras.

0:41:490:41:52

Whatever happened to a little thing called privacy?

0:41:520:41:54

Bernie, surveillance technology

0:41:540:41:56

has helped protect a lot of the freedoms that we as Americans take advantage of today.

0:41:560:41:59

He's...he's right. It has been good.

0:42:030:42:05

Son, that is bull crap in a chef's salad.

0:42:070:42:10

Jack, tell me one smart thing the CLIA has done,

0:42:100:42:13

I will give you the deed to her house.

0:42:130:42:15

The CLIA?

0:42:150:42:16

The Central Lack of Intelligence Agency.

0:42:160:42:19

LJ CONTINUES TO CRY

0:42:250:42:27

I think that baby might need

0:42:280:42:29

a couple of pulls on that knocker of yours, Jack.

0:42:290:42:32

Well, it's OK. We're Ferberizing him.

0:42:340:42:36

-You what?

-The Ferber method.

0:42:360:42:37

You let him cry it out.

0:42:370:42:39

This way, he doesn't depend on coddling.

0:42:390:42:40

On the other hand, the continuum concept shows

0:42:400:42:43

that a baby benefits more from constant physical contact.

0:42:430:42:47

Oh...

0:42:470:42:48

We use the Ferber method.

0:42:480:42:50

We use the Focker method.

0:42:500:42:51

We hugged and kissed that little prince like there was no tomorrow.

0:42:520:42:55

We Fockerised him.

0:42:550:42:56

-ROZ:

-That's right.

0:42:570:42:58

Greggy practically slept in our bed till he was ten.

0:42:580:43:01

Oh, my gosh.

0:43:010:43:02

Oh, I don't think it was quite that long.

0:43:020:43:03

Yes, it was.

0:43:030:43:04

Mm-mm. I wasn't ten.

0:43:040:43:06

Nine and a half, at least.

0:43:060:43:07

Mom, I don't think so.

0:43:070:43:09

I didn't sleep in their bed till I was ten.

0:43:090:43:11

Bernie, get the photo album.

0:43:110:43:12

I'm one step ahead of you, my cutie.

0:43:120:43:14

No, no, no. We're eating dinner.

0:43:140:43:15

-PAM:

-Oh, it's all right.

0:43:150:43:17

These are the curls from his first trip to the barber shop.

0:43:170:43:20

-Nobody wants to see this.

-Oh, and you kept all his baby teeth.

0:43:200:43:23

Yeah, show Jack.

0:43:230:43:24

Look at this, all those little teeth. Isn't that sweet?

0:43:240:43:27

-Uh-oh, somebody looks very grumpy there.

-Oh, yeah.

0:43:270:43:31

Oh, that's Gay with the Mohel.

0:43:310:43:32

-The Mohel?

-No.

0:43:320:43:33

He's the man who snips the baby's little winky-dink.

0:43:330:43:36

See, that's Greg getting circumcised right here.

0:43:360:43:39

-BERNIE:

-We had the ceremony at my parents' house,

0:43:390:43:41

and it was a cold snap, and the heat comes... Tell it.

0:43:410:43:43

-The heater conked out...

-Mom... Mom...

0:43:430:43:44

..so no matter how hard he tried,

0:43:440:43:46

the Mohel couldn't coax Greggy's tiny little turtle from its shell.

0:43:460:43:50

GREG: You know what? Let's not talk about the tiny turtle, OK?

0:43:500:43:51

-It's OK.

-No, look, this is dinner.

0:43:510:43:53

Honey, half the people at this table have penises.

0:43:530:43:56

Mom, control yourself.

0:43:560:43:57

-Roz.

-What?

0:43:570:43:58

He's right. You're embarrassing him.

0:43:580:44:00

OK. I'm sorry.

0:44:000:44:01

To make a long story short, Jack, he wound up with a semi-circ.

0:44:010:44:05

GIGGLING

0:44:050:44:07

What's a semi-circ?

0:44:070:44:08

I can't wait to hear this.

0:44:080:44:10

What? It's a cross between a-an anteater and a...

0:44:100:44:13

German army helmet.

0:44:130:44:14

GIGGLING

0:44:140:44:16

OK.

0:44:160:44:18

But, honey, oh, mm-mm-mm.

0:44:180:44:20

You wanted to talk about the wedding, right?

0:44:200:44:22

Oh, don't tell me you kept his umbilical cord?

0:44:240:44:27

Of course not. That's Greg's foreskin.

0:44:270:44:29

All right, you know what? That's it. That's it.

0:44:300:44:32

That's enough humiliation for one night.

0:44:320:44:33

Come on, we were having fun.

0:44:330:44:34

No, we're not having fun.

0:44:340:44:35

-Why deny us our memories?

-Because we're done!

0:44:350:44:37

THEY SHOUT

0:44:370:44:38

BUBBLING AND SIZZLING

0:44:390:44:41

SHE LAUGHS

0:44:420:44:44

Anyone in the mood for Chinese?

0:44:450:44:47

You told me your first time was with a Danish transfer student in high school.

0:44:490:44:52

Yeah, well, you weren't exactly forthcoming about your engagement with Kevin.

0:44:520:44:56

Yeah, well, he wasn't my baby-sitter.

0:44:560:44:58

OK, I should've told you, all right?

0:44:580:45:00

Can we just let it go, please?

0:45:000:45:01

We both got enough stuff to deal with this weekend.

0:45:010:45:04

Oh, hi, Jack.

0:45:080:45:09

Hello, Greg.

0:45:090:45:11

Funny dinner, huh?

0:45:110:45:13

How do you mean?

0:45:130:45:14

I know that you're studying my family

0:45:140:45:16

like the frozen caveman,

0:45:160:45:17

so I just... I don't want you to be worried, OK?

0:45:170:45:20

I mean, they're a little quirky,

0:45:200:45:22

but they...they're really well-intentioned,

0:45:220:45:24

and-and I think they were just nervous, and...

0:45:240:45:26

Greg, I 'm sure tomorrow will be a better day.

0:45:260:45:28

-BERNIE IN SOUTHERN ACCENT:

-I'm sorry, ma'am.

0:45:280:45:30

I thought you ordered room service.

0:45:300:45:32

Are you sure you don't want any whipped cream with your sundae?

0:45:320:45:35

-ROZ SQUEALS

-Bern, stop it.

0:45:350:45:37

Who's Bern? I'm Chad the bellhop.

0:45:370:45:39

Oh, no, come on, we did that last week.

0:45:390:45:41

Can't you be Sam the carpet-cleaning man?

0:45:410:45:43

It's illogical - why would a carpet cleaner have whipped cream?

0:45:430:45:45

Well, improvise, honey.

0:45:450:45:47

Good evening, miss. I'm here to clean your carpet.

0:45:470:45:49

ROZ GIGGLES AND SQUEALS, WHIPPED CREAM HISSES

0:45:490:45:51

Do you mind if I put some foam down on your rug?

0:45:510:45:54

I don't mind at all.

0:45:540:45:55

-Good night, Greg.

-OK, sleep well, Jack.

0:45:550:45:57

-ROZ:

-How-how long have you worked at this hotel?

0:45:570:45:59

I always like to put some snow on your mountains. Come on.

0:45:590:46:02

You're going to get some whipped cream on those Tetons.

0:46:020:46:05

BERNIE AND ROZ LAUGH

0:46:050:46:06

-Guys! ROZ:

-Come back in the morning, Tootsie roll.

0:46:060:46:09

-Guys! BERNIE:

-Gay, you see the cowboy hat on the door?

0:46:090:46:11

Cowboy hat is off the door.

0:46:110:46:13

No cowboy hat this weekend.

0:46:130:46:14

-I'm coming in, all right?

-OK.

0:46:140:46:15

So stop doing what you're doing. Look, I was...

0:46:150:46:18

Oh, no...

0:46:180:46:20

Come on, man, you know what that cowboy hat on the door means.

0:46:200:46:22

Can you please help me out here?

0:46:220:46:24

What? We're just being ourselves.

0:46:240:46:26

Mom, cover. Mom, please?

0:46:260:46:27

I think he's saying not to be ourselves.

0:46:270:46:28

Yes, be yourselves, but be yourselves in a way

0:46:280:46:30

that's a little less than being your full selves.

0:46:300:46:33

-OK? All right?

-I don't understand this, honey.

0:46:330:46:35

Why are you so afraid of this Jack?

0:46:350:46:36

You've been kissing his ass since you got here.

0:46:360:46:39

Mom, I'm not afraid of him, OK. That's not true.

0:46:390:46:41

-It is true.

-I can't believe you went duck hunting with him.

0:46:410:46:43

-Our people don't shoot ducks.

-Do me a favour.

0:46:430:46:45

Just make Jack feel a little more comfortable here, OK?

0:46:450:46:47

So you don't want us to be ourselves.

0:46:470:46:49

No, I just don't want you to break his RV, Dad,

0:46:490:46:50

and-and-and-and reveal that I had sex with Isabel,

0:46:500:46:53

and play weird sex games that everybody can hear in the house.

0:46:530:46:55

Mom, cover. Mom, please?

0:46:550:46:57

If you ask me, it wouldn't be so bad

0:46:570:46:59

if your future in-laws heard this.

0:46:590:47:00

Do me a favour. Just don't therapise the Byrneses

0:47:000:47:03

this weekend at all, OK?

0:47:030:47:04

All I'm saying is, a few minutes

0:47:040:47:06

of concentrated work with him and Dina,

0:47:060:47:07

she could get him to blow like Krakatoa.

0:47:070:47:09

Right, OK, yeah. You know what? One day.

0:47:090:47:13

Just give me one day, OK, without any complications.

0:47:130:47:15

We get through it, everybody goes off,

0:47:150:47:17

we go on with our lives - can we do that?

0:47:170:47:19

-All right.

-You got it, dude.

0:47:190:47:20

Thank you. OK.

0:47:200:47:21

-Hon?

-Yeah.

0:47:210:47:22

Put the hat back on the door, OK?

0:47:220:47:24

No, Mom. No cowboy hat this weekend.

0:47:240:47:27

OK, but tonight doesn't count.

0:47:270:47:28

BERNIE IMITATES TRAIN WHISTLE, ROZ GIGGLES

0:47:280:47:30

-All aboard!

-Oh, my God, that tickles.

0:47:300:47:31

Morning, partner.

0:47:420:47:44

Good morning.

0:47:460:47:47

You sleep OK?

0:47:470:47:49

I slept all right, thank you.

0:47:490:47:52

It's nice, all of us being here together, don't you think?

0:47:580:48:00

Bernard, do you mind if I have some privacy?

0:48:000:48:04

Almost done.

0:48:040:48:07

Oh, Bernie, this frittata is wonderful.

0:48:130:48:15

What's in it?

0:48:150:48:16

Well, a lot of the taste comes from this old skillet.

0:48:160:48:19

I've never washed it.

0:48:190:48:20

GREG: Hey, guys?

0:48:200:48:21

Can I have everybody's attention, please?

0:48:210:48:23

-Gay?

-Yeah?

0:48:230:48:24

Be back in a sec.

0:48:240:48:25

OK, Dad? All right.

0:48:250:48:28

-Um, so... Mom?

-Yeah.

0:48:280:48:30

I know we've been, er... we've been talking

0:48:300:48:31

about having the, er, wedding

0:48:310:48:33

-in October.

-Right.

0:48:330:48:34

But Pam and I have been doing a little thinking

0:48:340:48:35

and playing around with some ideas,

0:48:350:48:37

and, er, we're actually thinking of moving it up to June.

0:48:370:48:39

-Nice.

-This June?

0:48:390:48:41

-Yeah.

-Yeah.

0:48:410:48:42

That's... That's in a month.

0:48:420:48:45

I always wanted a spring wedding, you know?

0:48:450:48:47

Well, that's great.

0:48:470:48:48

So we can announce it at the party tonight.

0:48:480:48:49

-Good idea.

-Wait. What party?

0:48:490:48:52

Jack...let's play football.

0:48:520:48:54

Oh, your father and I are throwing

0:48:540:48:55

a little engagement soiree

0:48:550:48:57

for you two lovebirds.

0:48:570:48:59

Would you.... Would you look at that punim?

0:48:590:49:01

That's so sweet. Thank you, guys.

0:49:010:49:03

No, I thought we were just having a nice, quiet dinner.

0:49:030:49:06

It's supposed to be a surprise.

0:49:060:49:07

The phone keeps ringing, the list keeps growing.

0:49:070:49:09

Yeah, now it's up to 50 Fockers.

0:49:090:49:11

When were you going to tell us about this?

0:49:110:49:13

50 Fockers.

0:49:140:49:16

What could be better?

0:49:160:49:17

Dad, what are you doing? We never play football.

0:49:170:49:20

I'm trying to cement relationships here.

0:49:200:49:22

Jack said he was into footie-ball.

0:49:220:49:24

Let's show El Stiffo how we play the game.

0:49:240:49:26

"Footie-ball"?

0:49:260:49:27

Come on, come on, let's play!

0:49:270:49:29

You know, I'm feeling a little tired.

0:49:290:49:30

I think I'm going to sit this out with Little Jack, OK?

0:49:300:49:31

Oh, OK, honey, you want me to keep you company?

0:49:310:49:33

No, Dina, come on!

0:49:330:49:34

You and I'll take on Jack and Roz.

0:49:340:49:36

Come on, Jack,

0:49:360:49:37

it'll be fun - we'll swap wives.

0:49:370:49:39

Don't worry. You'll get him back after the game.

0:49:400:49:43

Fine, we'll play three-on-two,

0:49:430:49:44

but someone needs to be official quarterback.

0:49:440:49:46

Gay goes both ways.

0:49:460:49:47

Oh, I bet he does.

0:49:470:49:49

Hut one, hut two, hike!

0:49:510:49:53

-Right here!

-Cover.

0:49:540:49:57

Whoo-hoo!

0:50:000:50:01

CHEERING

0:50:030:50:06

# You're dirty and sweet Oh, yeah... #

0:50:070:50:10

Huddle up.

0:50:130:50:14

I want it down and in. Draw in the defence.

0:50:140:50:17

Then you'll hit Roz here in the end zone for a TD.

0:50:170:50:19

What do you mean? He hits me where with a what with a...? Why?

0:50:190:50:22

I'll throw the ball, you try to catch it, OK?

0:50:220:50:23

You want me to catch that thing?

0:50:230:50:25

-Yeah.

-On two. Ready?

0:50:250:50:26

Break.

0:50:260:50:27

-Ah!

-Hut one, hut two.

0:50:270:50:28

Hike!

0:50:280:50:30

Go, go, go.

0:50:300:50:31

This way, this way!

0:50:310:50:34

That way, that way, that way, that way!

0:50:340:50:35

It's over, it's over.

0:50:350:50:37

It's over.

0:50:370:50:39

Your ass is mine! Come on!

0:50:390:50:40

Remember that time in the park?

0:50:400:50:42

Remember that time in the park?

0:50:420:50:44

Guys, come on, come on, cut it out.

0:50:440:50:45

I'm so proud of you!

0:50:450:50:46

I caught the ball, honey.

0:50:460:50:49

-Mom, come on.

-I caught the ball.

0:50:490:50:51

Come on, now, huddle up.

0:50:510:50:52

Nah, I'm bored. Here.

0:50:520:50:54

Dina, come on, let's go.

0:50:540:50:56

You want a spritzer?

0:50:560:50:57

What? Oh, a spritzer.

0:50:570:50:58

That sounds yummy.

0:50:580:51:00

All right, come on, Dad, you got to focus, all right?

0:51:000:51:01

-Yeah.

-He's beating you

0:51:010:51:02

down the field every time.

0:51:020:51:03

Yeah, you want me to be macho-wacho?

0:51:030:51:04

No. What?

0:51:040:51:05

Have I ever said the words

0:51:050:51:06

"macho-wacho" to you ever in my life?

0:51:060:51:07

-I got it. Gay?

-All right, let's go.

0:51:070:51:09

-What?

-Gay, I won't disappoint you.

0:51:090:51:10

OK, let's try it again.

0:51:110:51:12

I want a stop and go.

0:51:120:51:13

Fake the short pass,

0:51:130:51:15

then hit me here in the end zone with a Hail Mary.

0:51:150:51:16

-OK.

-Got that?

0:51:160:51:17

Yeah, I mean, we keep running that play.

0:51:170:51:18

Maybe do you want to mix it up a little or...?

0:51:180:51:20

No, I don't.

0:51:200:51:21

I've exposed Bernie's weakness,

0:51:210:51:22

and I want to take advantage of it.

0:51:220:51:23

Exposed his weakness. OK, yeah, right. On four?

0:51:230:51:26

Four.

0:51:260:51:28

Just you and me, Jack, mano-a-mano.

0:51:380:51:41

You think you can take me, flower man?

0:51:420:51:44

Pretty sure I can, Mr Mom.

0:51:440:51:47

You're going down, Byrnesie boy.

0:51:480:51:49

I'm going to rearrange your bouquet.

0:51:490:51:51

-WHISPERING:

-Sell the pump-fake, Greg,

0:51:530:51:55

cos now Focker's going to bite.

0:51:550:51:56

THEY MOUTH

0:52:030:52:07

Hut one, hut two,

0:52:070:52:09

hut three,

0:52:090:52:10

hut four, hike!

0:52:100:52:12

YELLING

0:52:250:52:29

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, God!

0:52:380:52:39

Oh!

0:52:390:52:40

-Boo-yah!

-Shit!

0:52:410:52:43

Don't move, don't move, don't move.

0:52:430:52:45

Hey, Jack, are you OK?

0:52:450:52:48

I'm fine, Greg. Thank you.

0:52:480:52:50

You know, I see that kind of injury

0:52:500:52:51

all the time at the hospital.

0:52:510:52:52

I wish you'd let me give you a quick exam.

0:52:520:52:54

No, I'm, er... I'm fine.

0:52:540:52:56

I told you, I'll have my doctor look at it when I get home.

0:52:560:52:59

OK.

0:53:000:53:01

You know, it's amazing

0:53:010:53:02

how your father anticipated the pump-fake like that.

0:53:020:53:04

It's almost like he... knew it was coming.

0:53:040:53:08

Hmm, well, he definitely takes...

0:53:080:53:11

competition seriously.

0:53:110:53:14

How a man handles himself on the football field

0:53:140:53:16

says a lot about his character.

0:53:160:53:18

Know what I mean?

0:53:180:53:19

OK.

0:53:210:53:22

Hey.

0:53:260:53:27

Hey. We got 'em, didn't we, dude? Huh?

0:53:270:53:29

Was he impressed?

0:53:290:53:30

No, Dad, he wasn't.

0:53:300:53:31

That was a really hard shot. You could have hurt him.

0:53:310:53:34

I just wanted it to be a fun game,

0:53:340:53:36

but you wanted to win, so, you know,

0:53:360:53:38

you got me all steamed up.

0:53:380:53:39

No, I asked you to play a little defence.

0:53:390:53:41

I didn't ask you to turn it into a blood sport.

0:53:410:53:43

I play too easy, I play too hard.

0:53:430:53:45

What are you really asking me to do, Gaylord?

0:53:450:53:48

I'm not asking anything of you, Dad. Just go down there

0:53:480:53:50

and apologise to him, OK? He thinks it was a cheap shot.

0:53:500:53:53

Sure. OK. Whatever you say.

0:53:530:53:54

OK.

0:53:540:53:56

I can't win with this kid. I can't.

0:53:570:53:59

Honey, it's OK.

0:53:590:54:00

I can't.

0:54:000:54:02

-Hi, baby.

-Hey.

0:54:020:54:03

So...

0:54:030:54:04

Hmm?

0:54:040:54:05

How far along is Pam?

0:54:050:54:08

What?

0:54:080:54:09

Come on, honey. I knew it the minute I saw her.

0:54:090:54:11

Her boobs are bigger. She's hormonal.

0:54:110:54:13

No wine at dinner. No football.

0:54:130:54:14

She just found out yesterday.

0:54:140:54:16

What...?

0:54:160:54:18

Honey. My Bubeleh's going to have a baby.

0:54:180:54:21

Thank you.

0:54:210:54:22

My Bubeleh's going to be a father.

0:54:220:54:23

-Oh, my God!

-Ah...

0:54:230:54:24

Tell me, talk to me.

0:54:240:54:26

-This is so exciting.

-All right.

0:54:260:54:27

-Shh, shh, shh...

-Talk to me.

-What, "Shh"?

0:54:270:54:28

No, you didn't tell Dad, did you?

0:54:280:54:30

No, not yet. He's gonna plotz.

0:54:300:54:31

No, no, Mom, you can't tell him.

0:54:310:54:32

Why not?

0:54:320:54:33

Because he can't keep a secret.

0:54:330:54:35

You know that. You think Jack knows?

0:54:350:54:37

Are you kidding? That guy is in such denial,

0:54:370:54:39

he thinks his daughter's still a virgin.

0:54:390:54:40

Yeah, I know. He's very old-fashioned.

0:54:400:54:42

That's why Pam doesn't want to tell him till after the wedding.

0:54:420:54:44

That is ridiculous.

0:54:440:54:45

Mom, it isn't, believe me. You don't know him like I do.

0:54:450:54:47

Fine, my lips are sealed.

0:54:470:54:49

I am so excited and thrilled for you!

0:54:490:54:51

MUTTERS, SQUEALS

0:54:510:54:53

I'm so happy for you two.

0:54:530:54:54

Ooh, did you plan this?

0:54:540:54:56

Uh, no, it just sort of happened.

0:54:560:54:58

How did it happen?

0:54:580:54:59

How? It just happened, you know.

0:54:590:55:01

You know how it happens.

0:55:010:55:02

I mean, I'm not going to go into details, come on.

0:55:020:55:05

But honey, I love details.

0:55:050:55:06

-Sorry.

-Just...

0:55:060:55:08

All right, all right, all right, OK.

0:55:080:55:10

Well, you know, honey, many unplanned pregnancies happen

0:55:100:55:13

because the man is such a sexual dynamo.

0:55:130:55:15

And the woman craves his sperm on an unconscious

0:55:150:55:18

but very powerful level.

0:55:180:55:19

Mm-hmm. Mom, I'm truly not comfortable having

0:55:190:55:22

this conversation with you.

0:55:220:55:24

-No?

-No.

0:55:240:55:25

I've been telling you that since I was 11.

0:55:250:55:27

All right. Love you.

0:55:270:55:28

Love you, too.

0:55:280:55:30

Uh, Jack, what say you and me go into town?

0:55:300:55:32

I got a guy who can fix

0:55:320:55:33

-your RV.

-Oh!

0:55:330:55:35

I'm in far too much physical agony, Bernie.

0:55:350:55:38

Gee, I'm sorry, but it'll be good for you,

0:55:380:55:39

you know, to, you know, get out and about.

0:55:390:55:41

-ROZ:

-Yeah, perfect!

0:55:410:55:42

I can take the girls shopping

0:55:420:55:43

in Coconut Grove, and...

0:55:430:55:45

Little Jack is on a very specific napping schedule.

0:55:450:55:48

I'd better stay here.

0:55:480:55:49

-ROZ:

-No! Go!

0:55:490:55:51

Greg can watch him.

0:55:510:55:52

-Yeah, sure.

-He has wonderful

0:55:520:55:53

parental instincts.

0:55:530:55:55

-Dad, Greg deals with little kids in the ER all the time.

-That's right.

0:55:550:55:58

It's true. They don't call me Barry Poppins for nothin'.

0:55:580:56:00

LAUGHING That's funny... Cute!

0:56:000:56:03

Why would someone call you Barry Poppins?

0:56:030:56:05

GROWLS

0:56:050:56:06

They wouldn't.

0:56:070:56:10

SQUEAKING ON GLASS

0:56:310:56:34

Now remember, Greg, we're Ferberising him,

0:56:340:56:37

so unless it's an emergency, under no circumstances

0:56:370:56:40

should you pick him up or coddle him

0:56:400:56:42

in any way, when he cries.

0:56:420:56:43

Mm-hmm, OK.

0:56:430:56:44

He's learning to self-soothe.

0:56:440:56:45

-Mm-hmm.

-That means no television,

0:56:450:56:47

no unapproved toys and most of all,

0:56:470:56:49

no monkey business of any kind. Is that clear?

0:56:490:56:51

-Mm-hmm. No monkey business.

-OK.

0:56:510:56:53

Jack, shall we get a move on, pal-o-mine-o?

0:56:530:56:56

I'm ready.

0:56:560:56:57

I love this, Roz. This is a great find.

0:57:070:57:09

Oh, good! And it's loose.

0:57:090:57:11

So you can wear it even if you gain a few pounds.

0:57:110:57:14

Isn't that lovely?

0:57:150:57:17

Oh, honey, are you all right? You look a little flushed.

0:57:170:57:20

Oh, it's just the heat. It takes some getting used to.

0:57:200:57:23

I'm fine. I'm gonna try this on.

0:57:230:57:24

Thank you, Roz.

0:57:240:57:26

And now, madame,

0:57:260:57:27

let's find something sexy for the mama to wear.

0:57:270:57:30

-Look at this little number.

-Whoa!

0:57:300:57:32

I think this'll get Jack's blood flowing.

0:57:320:57:34

CHUCKLES Jack would have a coronary.

0:57:340:57:36

I thought so.

0:57:360:57:38

Oh, Dina, talk to me.

0:57:380:57:41

What's really going on with that man?

0:57:410:57:44

He seems very uptight.

0:57:440:57:46

Jack's always been a little wound up.

0:57:460:57:48

His job was very stressful.

0:57:480:57:50

Being a florist is stressful?

0:57:500:57:52

There's more to it than people think.

0:57:520:57:54

Uh-huh...

0:57:540:57:55

If you don't mind me asking, how's your sex life?

0:57:550:57:58

LAUGHS

0:57:580:58:00

I can't tell you that!

0:58:000:58:01

What's the big deal? I'm a professional.

0:58:010:58:03

Dina, I'm a sex therapist

0:58:030:58:04

specialising in senior sexuality.

0:58:040:58:07

I knew those weren't yoga mats.

0:58:070:58:09

-LAUGHS

-No.

0:58:090:58:11

Well, we're not 25 any more.

0:58:110:58:14

Well, you're not dead, either.

0:58:140:58:16

Lots of couples our age lack intimacy in their marriages.

0:58:160:58:19

Well, I didn't say we weren't intimate.

0:58:190:58:21

There are special occasions - you know, anniversaries, and...

0:58:210:58:25

Well, on our anniversary.

0:58:250:58:26

Ay, ay, ay! Narrishkeit.

0:58:260:58:27

I beg your pardon?

0:58:270:58:28

Not good.

0:58:280:58:29

I think that I can help you and Jack reconnect.

0:58:290:58:32

How?

0:58:320:58:33

Well, it all starts with a little bit of, um...

0:58:330:58:38

how shall I say... intimate contact.

0:58:380:58:41

-Yeah?

-Mm-hmm.

0:58:410:58:42

Wow, that tingles.

0:58:420:58:43

Every pleasure in the body...

0:58:430:58:45

SIGHS

0:58:450:58:46

...can be stimulated through the ears.

0:58:460:58:49

I would give it a shot with Jack tonight.

0:58:490:58:52

What's going on over here?

0:58:520:58:53

Nothing. Just having some girl talk.

0:58:530:58:56

Roz.

0:58:560:58:57

LITTLE JACK CRYING

0:58:570:59:01

SIGHS

0:59:040:59:06

CRYING CONTINUES

0:59:060:59:09

CRYING CONTINUES

0:59:180:59:20

OK, here's the deal, LJ.

0:59:250:59:26

I'm gonna give you a few minutes of attention,

0:59:260:59:29

but you have to promise that you don't tell

0:59:290:59:31

Grandpa Jack anything, OK?

0:59:310:59:32

All right. Good.

0:59:320:59:34

CRIES

0:59:340:59:36

OK, I don't quite know what that means,

0:59:360:59:38

but I'm gonna trust you.

0:59:380:59:40

CRIES

0:59:400:59:41

All right, here we go.

0:59:410:59:43

Oh! OK, OK.

0:59:430:59:44

It's OK.

0:59:440:59:45

Oh!

0:59:450:59:47

A little huggy-wuggy never hurt anybody.

0:59:470:59:50

WHIMPERING

0:59:500:59:53

I know we're not supposed to watch TV,

0:59:581:00:00

but we won't tell Grandpa Jack, will we?

1:00:001:00:02

Oh, look! Look! It's Elmo!

1:00:021:00:05

Do you like fishes?

1:00:051:00:07

You don't like fishes?

1:00:071:00:09

No? All right.

1:00:091:00:10

All right.

1:00:101:00:12

OK. OK. CRYING

1:00:121:00:15

SIGHS God.

1:00:151:00:16

RHYTHMIC SQUEAKING

1:00:161:00:19

PANTING

1:00:191:00:22

Hey, I got an idea.

1:00:221:00:23

Let's see what pre-approved

1:00:231:00:25

genius toys Grandpa Jack has in his big basket of fun, hmm?

1:00:251:00:29

Oh, look! Look!

1:00:291:00:31

It's a...it's a...an abacus.

1:00:311:00:33

Abacuses aren't that much fun, are they?

1:00:331:00:36

I don't know why

1:00:361:00:37

people think they're fun.

1:00:371:00:38

Look at this.

1:00:381:00:39

Look, it's, it's... bolts on a plank. Hmm!

1:00:391:00:42

CRIES Fun bolts.

1:00:421:00:44

No, not very fun.

1:00:441:00:46

Hey! Ah...

1:00:461:00:48

CRYING CONTINUES

1:00:481:00:49

A little birdie.

1:00:491:00:50

Look, he sings. Oh!

1:00:501:00:53

# And if that mockingbird don't sing

1:00:531:00:56

# Then Greg is gonna buy you a diamond ring

1:00:561:00:59

# And if that diamond ring gets sold

1:00:591:01:04

# Greg's gonna feel like a...big asshole. #

1:01:041:01:08

Ass...hoooole.

1:01:091:01:12

No, no, no. You don't want to say that word, though.

1:01:121:01:14

We don't want to say that word, cos that's a bad word.

1:01:141:01:16

Ass...hooole.

1:01:161:01:18

No, no, no.

1:01:181:01:19

I thought this was a repair shop.

1:01:221:01:24

Oh, this is better. That's Isabel's son, Jorge.

1:01:241:01:27

15 years old, he can fix anything.

1:01:271:01:29

Hey, Bernie! Oye, mi amigo, como estas?

1:01:291:01:31

Yo, Georgie-boy!

1:01:311:01:33

So, er, I think you've got a tear in the bilateral valve.

1:01:331:01:36

15, huh?

1:01:361:01:38

-Genius.

-Ah.

1:01:381:01:39

-WOMAN:

-Hola, ninos.

1:01:391:01:41

Jorge, what did I tell you?

1:01:411:01:42

No more tinkering until you finish your science homework.

1:01:421:01:45

Oh! Er... I was gonna finish it,

1:01:451:01:49

but, er, Mr Gerson is out with, er, rickets.

1:01:491:01:53

He said definitely don't do it until his rickets are cured,

1:01:531:01:56

and, you know, I-I really, really...

1:01:561:01:58

Ay, dios mio, who knows

1:01:581:01:59

if he's ever telling the truth?

1:01:591:02:02

Bernie?

1:02:021:02:03

Si?

1:02:031:02:04

I made Chimichangas. You guys want?

1:02:041:02:05

Ooh!

1:02:051:02:06

Oh, have you ever known me

1:02:061:02:07

to turn down a Chimi?

1:02:071:02:09

Jack, you in the mood, amigo?

1:02:091:02:11

No, thanks.

1:02:111:02:13

Why are you looking at me funny? I-I-I said...

1:02:151:02:18

Oh, no, no, you just look like somebody I know.

1:02:181:02:21

No, no, no, no. Tadpole. Tadpole.

1:02:231:02:25

Can you say "tadpole"?

1:02:251:02:26

"Mad roll", don't say...

1:02:261:02:27

Ass...hooole.

1:02:271:02:29

No, "Jack's mole". Cos Jack has a big mole on his face.

1:02:291:02:32

Is your father a mechanic?

1:02:321:02:34

Oh, I don't know. I never met him.

1:02:341:02:35

Never met your dad, huh?

1:02:351:02:37

Well, that's unfortunate. But very interesting.

1:02:371:02:41

You mind if I take a picture of you?

1:02:411:02:42

You know, just for fun.

1:02:421:02:44

OK.

1:02:441:02:45

SHUTTER CLICKS REPEATEDLY

1:02:451:02:48

# Mr Moose likes to say good words

1:02:491:02:52

# He doesn't like you to say

1:02:521:02:54

# Bad words. #

1:02:541:02:55

Ass...hooole.

1:02:551:02:56

PHONE RINGS

1:02:561:02:57

OK, just hang on a second there.

1:02:571:02:59

CRIES

1:02:591:03:00

Ass...hooole.

1:03:001:03:02

CRYING CONTINUES

1:03:021:03:04

Yeah, hello?

1:03:041:03:05

Hi, it's me. How's it going with the little one?

1:03:051:03:07

Horribly. He's crying and screaming...

1:03:071:03:09

Ass...hoooole!

1:03:091:03:10

..and cursing.

1:03:101:03:11

-ROZ:

-That poor kid is desperate for human contact.

1:03:111:03:14

Honey, you need to hold him

1:03:141:03:15

and kiss him. Do whatever it takes.

1:03:151:03:17

I've been hugging him in secret. Feeding him chocolates, too.

1:03:171:03:20

ELMO: Some baby animals live at the zoo.

1:03:201:03:22

And you know how Elmo knows this?

1:03:221:03:24

Well, his friend visited

1:03:241:03:26

a zoo and told Elmo all about it.

1:03:261:03:29

All animals have babies.

1:03:291:03:31

ENGINE ROARING

1:03:311:03:32

LAUGHS

1:03:321:03:33

CARS CRASHING

1:03:331:03:35

Say hello to my little friend.

1:03:351:03:37

COOING

1:03:381:03:40

You know, he's probably teething,

1:03:401:03:42

so put a dab of rum in his milk and it'll ease the pain.

1:03:421:03:45

And he'll go right off to sleep.

1:03:451:03:46

You want me to give him a drink?

1:03:461:03:47

I'm talking less than a thimbleful.

1:03:471:03:49

You don't want Jack coming home to a screaming baby.

1:03:491:03:52

SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS

1:03:521:03:54

COOING

1:03:541:03:55

Listen to your mother. Goodbye. I love you.

1:04:001:04:03

All right, Mom... DIAL TONE

1:04:031:04:05

Hey, Little Jack, I got a surprise for you!

1:04:111:04:15

Little Jack?

1:04:161:04:18

Mr Moose is looking for you.

1:04:191:04:21

Oh, shit. MEOWING

1:04:211:04:23

Where the hell did he go?

1:04:231:04:24

LJ!

1:04:241:04:26

Little Jack!

1:04:261:04:27

MEOWING, BARKING

1:04:271:04:28

LJ? Little Jack, where are you?

1:04:301:04:34

LAUGHING

1:04:341:04:35

Does that Jorge resemble anyone you know?

1:04:351:04:38

No-one I know.

1:04:381:04:39

Hmm.

1:04:391:04:41

-GUNFIRE ON TV

-Whoa.

1:04:411:04:43

COOING

1:04:431:04:45

There's something you don't see every day.

1:04:501:04:52

PANTING

1:04:521:04:53

Focker!

1:04:531:04:54

-Focker!

-Uh-oh.

1:04:541:04:56

OK, I know this looks bad, but I can explain.

1:04:561:04:58

What the hell happened? I said no monkey business.

1:04:581:05:00

No, there was no monkey business.

1:05:001:05:01

No monkey business? You're wearing my breast,

1:05:011:05:03

Little Jack is drinking, Moses is sodomising Jinx,

1:05:031:05:06

and you're telling me there's no monkey business?!

1:05:061:05:08

-What is going on here?!

-Hello! We're home!

1:05:081:05:10

-You all right, LJ?

-Hey, guys.

1:05:101:05:12

-Give me the bottle.

-Oh, my God.

1:05:121:05:13

-Give me the bottle.

-What happened to Little Jack?

1:05:131:05:14

Looks like his hands are stuck to that bottle of rum.

1:05:141:05:16

-Thank you, Dad.

-You bet they're stuck!

1:05:161:05:18

-Greg?

-What?

-How did this happen?

1:05:181:05:20

And why are you wearing antlers?

1:05:201:05:21

It's very complicated.

1:05:211:05:23

It's just a little glue. He's fine.

1:05:231:05:25

He's not fine! If he had the use

1:05:251:05:26

of his hands, he'd tell you that himself.

1:05:261:05:28

All right, that's right.

1:05:281:05:29

Come on, OK, OK.

1:05:291:05:30

Oh, Little Jack. Honey, are you OK?

1:05:301:05:32

Greg...?

1:05:321:05:33

-Dina, Pam?

-Yes, Dad.

1:05:331:05:34

Uh, coming. Little Jack?

1:05:341:05:36

Honey, I said a thimble, not a bottle.

1:05:361:05:39

Oh, Greg.

1:05:431:05:44

Hey. How's the little guy doing?

1:05:441:05:47

Everything is just as good as new.

1:05:471:05:49

Yeah?

1:05:491:05:50

Dad, come on.

1:05:501:05:52

-ROZ:

-Is he all right?

1:05:591:06:01

He's asleep. OK.

1:06:011:06:02

I don't care if they did call you Larry Poppins.

1:06:021:06:04

You are completely unfit to handle a child.

1:06:041:06:06

-It was Barry Poppins.

-What kind

1:06:061:06:07

of a sick cocktail were you going to make my grandson?

1:06:071:06:09

Jack, the baby is teething.

1:06:091:06:10

I told Greg to give him some rum to ease the pain.

1:06:101:06:12

-It was your idea?

-Yes.

1:06:121:06:14

What is wrong with you people?

1:06:141:06:15

-Oh, darling...

-You people?!

1:06:151:06:17

I used to rub bourbon on Denny's gums.

1:06:171:06:18

Yeah, and look what happened to him!

1:06:181:06:20

Greg, you couldn't follow a simple set of instructions?

1:06:201:06:22

Jack, he was screaming, so I went in and I gave him

1:06:221:06:24

-a little attention, OK?

-He's learning

1:06:241:06:25

to self-soothe. These setbacks

1:06:251:06:27

are disastrous for his development!

1:06:271:06:28

-Don't exaggerate, Daddy.

-Lighten up!

1:06:281:06:30

The child is adorable, but you're not

1:06:301:06:31

raising Little Buddha over here.

1:06:311:06:32

-Mom?

-What are you saying?

1:06:321:06:33

I'm saying that I've seen that kid eat

1:06:331:06:35

at least 15 boogers since he's been here.

1:06:351:06:37

And I've got news for you, Jack -

1:06:371:06:39

prodigies don't eat their own boogers.

1:06:391:06:41

And I have news for you - prodigies don't

1:06:411:06:42

come in tenth place every time, either.

1:06:421:06:44

-OK, Dad, you went too far.

-Uh, I'm sorry.

1:06:441:06:45

-That's my fiance.

-I have never seen

1:06:451:06:47

people celebrate mediocrity the way you do.

1:06:471:06:48

Why? Because we love our son?

1:06:481:06:50

We hug our son?

1:06:501:06:51

Let's get down to it. The truth is,

1:06:511:06:53

you are so concerned about that Little Jack, but I think

1:06:531:06:56

that it's the Little Jack in you who's crying out for a hug.

1:06:561:06:59

The Little Jack in me?

1:07:001:07:02

Jack, you have issues.

1:07:021:07:05

I'm trying to understand why you run around

1:07:051:07:07

with a rubber boob strapped to your chest.

1:07:071:07:08

I mean, were you ever breast-fed?

1:07:081:07:10

-Mom, stop.

-Key question.

1:07:101:07:11

My guess is no.

1:07:111:07:13

Would you spare me the drugstore psychology?

1:07:131:07:14

I mean, it all comes down to that.

1:07:141:07:15

Everybody, all right?

1:07:151:07:16

Everybody just...

1:07:161:07:18

Everybody just stop!

1:07:181:07:19

OK?!

1:07:191:07:21

Jack, I'm not going to make any excuses. Yes.

1:07:211:07:23

Little Jack wouldn't stop crying,

1:07:231:07:24

so I gave him some hugs

1:07:241:07:25

and I let him watch TV.

1:07:251:07:26

I went to answer the phone, I was gone a second.

1:07:261:07:29

I came back in, he'd let himself out of the playpen.

1:07:291:07:31

He'd put on Scarface

1:07:311:07:32

and he glued his hands to the rum bottle.

1:07:321:07:34

OK?

1:07:341:07:35

-That's it.

-Oh, that's it.

1:07:371:07:39

Greg just said "that's it", so I feel much better now.

1:07:391:07:42

Daddy, would you mind...

1:07:421:07:43

DINA: Now, hold on. He gave an explanation.

1:07:431:07:45

-PAM:

-OK, let it go.

1:07:451:07:46

Little Jack is fine, Greg. He's asleep.

1:07:461:07:48

-LITTLE JACK ON MONITOR:

-..oooh.

1:07:481:07:50

He spoke.

1:07:501:07:52

-LITTLE JACK:

-Ass...hooole.

1:07:521:07:55

What?

1:07:551:07:56

I don't know. Come on, let's go.

1:07:571:07:58

-Did he say what I thought he said?

-I think he said it.

1:07:581:07:59

Little Jack, what did you just say?

1:08:001:08:03

Ass...hooole.

1:08:031:08:06

His first word?

1:08:091:08:11

It just slipped out of my mouth.

1:08:151:08:17

He has a mind like a sponge.

1:08:171:08:18

That's enough.

1:08:181:08:19

I'm calling a family conference.

1:08:191:08:21

That's a great idea, Jack.

1:08:211:08:22

Let's finally get your problems out on the table.

1:08:221:08:25

No, no, I mean, with my own family.

1:08:251:08:26

Would you excuse us?

1:08:261:08:27

I'd like to talk to Pam and Dina in private.

1:08:271:08:28

Of course, of course. Take your time.

1:08:281:08:31

Come on, honey.

1:08:311:08:37

I'm not so sure

1:08:351:08:37

this wedding is such a good idea.

1:08:371:08:38

To say the least, I don't like

1:08:381:08:39

what I've seen from these Fockers.

1:08:391:08:41

What?

1:08:411:08:42

Has Greg ever mentioned the name Jorge to you?

1:08:421:08:44

Jor... I don't know what you're talking about.

1:08:441:08:45

No. Why?

1:08:451:08:46

Because I think your fiance may have

1:08:461:08:48

a few skeletons in his closet

1:08:481:08:49

that he's not telling you about.

1:08:491:08:51

And skeletons don't like living in closets.

1:08:511:08:53

Oh, my God. Here we go again.

1:08:531:08:54

Dad, listen, you know,

1:08:541:08:55

Greg has no skeletons, OK? And listen to me, the wedding...

1:08:551:08:58

-Oh, really?

-He does not.

-You know that?

1:08:581:08:59

-Yes, I know that.

-I see.

1:08:591:09:00

-Will you just...

-She knows.

-I'm not a child!

1:09:001:09:02

-Jack.

-This wedding is going

1:09:021:09:03

to happen and the sooner you start accepting that,

1:09:031:09:05

the better it's going to be for all of us.

1:09:051:09:07

I can't talk to you!

1:09:071:09:09

Now, wait a second, sweetheart.

1:09:091:09:11

And I'm not so sure Roz is a yoga instructor, either.

1:09:111:09:15

Jack, you promised that you would behave yourself.

1:09:151:09:17

And what you said to those people was really hurtful.

1:09:171:09:20

I think you should go up there and apologise.

1:09:201:09:23

I'm not going to apologise to them.

1:09:231:09:24

Jack.

1:09:251:09:27

A little birdie

1:09:301:09:32

told me that somebody's going to be a daddy.

1:09:321:09:35

-Mom!

-I'm sorry, honey, but look at that face.

1:09:351:09:37

How could I keep it a secret?

1:09:371:09:39

He's so excited about being a grandpa.

1:09:391:09:41

What should he call me?

1:09:411:09:42

How 'bout Poppity-pop? Pop-a-doodle-do.

1:09:421:09:44

OK, OK. Look, look, look.

1:09:441:09:45

We don't have to have champagne, OK?

1:09:451:09:46

-Why?

-Jack's really angry.

1:09:461:09:48

I know, he's mad.

1:09:481:09:49

He's also a little bit meshuggener.

1:09:491:09:50

Come on, honey.

1:09:501:09:51

How often do we get to be grandparents?

1:09:511:09:53

We are having a toast.

1:09:531:09:54

OK, fine. But Dad, this is a secret.

1:09:541:09:55

We can't tell Jack till after we're married.

1:09:551:09:57

Why? We're honest people.

1:09:571:09:59

No! I can't stand this secrecy any more!

1:09:591:10:01

-Please be quiet.

-Why must we diminish

1:10:011:10:03

our joy just because they live in denial?!

1:10:031:10:05

-Shush!

-Shush!

1:10:051:10:06

-Seriously.

-Shush, shush, shush!

1:10:061:10:08

I promised Pam, OK?

1:10:111:10:13

She thinks it'll break his heart if he finds out.

1:10:131:10:15

I'm not going to take a drink.

1:10:151:10:16

-ROZ:

-Your father's right, OK?

1:10:161:10:17

This is the 21st century.

1:10:171:10:19

Married, not married - there's no shame in fatherhood.

1:10:191:10:21

This is the fruit of your loins!

1:10:211:10:23

-BERNIE:

-That is so beautiful. Say that to him again.

1:10:231:10:25

-ROZ:

-"This is the fruit of your loins"?

1:10:251:10:27

-BERNIE:

-Yes.

1:10:271:10:28

This is the fruit of your loins!

1:10:281:10:30

-BERNIE:

-OK, let's toast.

1:10:301:10:31

And let's make a sandwich.

1:10:311:10:32

And Mom wants to be the cheese.

1:10:321:10:34

Jack Byrnes,

1:10:341:10:35

-what are you doing?

-Ow!

1:10:351:10:37

Oh...

1:10:371:10:38

What did you do?

1:10:381:10:39

You OK there, Jacko?

1:10:411:10:42

What's the matter? What happened?

1:10:421:10:43

Uh, er...

1:10:431:10:45

I was, er, coming to apologise and my back went into spasm.

1:10:451:10:49

It's very tender from the horrific football accident.

1:10:491:10:51

I feel it.

1:10:511:10:53

My god, you're knotted like a pretzel.

1:10:531:10:54

You must be in a lot of pain, huh?

1:10:541:10:56

I don't mind pain. I learn from pain.

1:10:561:10:58

Pain schmain. My fingers are magic.

1:10:581:11:00

Come on, let me work out the kinks.

1:11:001:11:01

Oh, yeah, that's a lovely offer, Jack.

1:11:011:11:04

No, thanks. I'll be fine. Really.

1:11:041:11:06

My wife does wonderful body work, Jack.

1:11:061:11:09

I don't think he needs it.

1:11:091:11:10

MEDITATION MUSIC PLAYS

1:11:101:11:12

OK, handsome,

1:11:151:11:16

shirt off.

1:11:161:11:17

I'd rather have it on. Thank you.

1:11:171:11:19

Oh, no dice. No, no, no.

1:11:191:11:20

It has to come off.

1:11:201:11:22

Aha! Lovely.

1:11:221:11:23

You know, most back pain

1:11:231:11:26

is psychological.

1:11:261:11:28

We carry our emotional baggage

1:11:281:11:30

right here in our muscles.

1:11:301:11:33

I've been watching you, Jack.

1:11:331:11:36

Studying your body language.

1:11:361:11:38

And you're a very sensual man.

1:11:381:11:40

But I'm not sure

1:11:401:11:42

you realise that.

1:11:421:11:43

What are you doing?

1:11:431:11:44

It's a technique I learned in Hawaii.

1:11:441:11:47

It's a lomi-lomi massage,

1:11:471:11:49

named after the gentle waves of the Polynesian sea.

1:11:491:11:53

The waves go in

1:11:531:11:54

and the waves go out.

1:11:541:11:56

The waves go in....

1:11:561:11:58

Whoops. Hit some driftwood.

1:12:001:12:02

Jack Byrnes, you are a caged lion.

1:12:041:12:07

But lions can't be captives

1:12:071:12:09

their entire lives.

1:12:091:12:10

They have to be free

1:12:101:12:11

to roam the bush - free and wild.

1:12:111:12:14

Your wife is a hot, sexy tigress.

1:12:141:12:17

And she's waiting for you to pounce on her.

1:12:171:12:19

Let me hear you roar, baby!

1:12:191:12:20

Roar!

1:12:201:12:21

GROANS

1:12:211:12:22

Your body is talking to me.

1:12:221:12:23

It's hungry for action. I can feel it.

1:12:231:12:25

Unleash the beast inside you, Jack...

1:12:251:12:28

Mom, stop it! You're hurting him!

1:12:281:12:29

I am not hurting him.

1:12:291:12:31

I am helping him!

1:12:311:12:32

-Just don't...don't.

-Here you go, Jack.

1:12:321:12:34

I don't think you should move just yet.

1:12:341:12:35

Jack, come back for an afternoon session.

1:12:351:12:38

It'll do you good.

1:12:381:12:39

What are you doing?

1:12:391:12:40

We were so close.

1:12:401:12:41

I could feel it. I was getting through to him.

1:12:411:12:43

Mom, the guy doesn't like to be touched!

1:12:431:12:44

Because he has the emotional hide of a rhinoceros!

1:12:441:12:47

Don't break him down. Just let him be.

1:12:471:12:49

I was trying to do you a favour.

1:12:491:12:50

You were riding him like Seabiscuit, Mom.

1:12:501:12:52

GROANS

1:12:521:12:55

GRUNTING

1:12:551:12:57

GRUNTS WITH EACH STEP

1:12:571:13:01

BONES CRACKING

1:13:011:13:02

GRUNTS

1:13:021:13:03

BONES CRACKING

1:13:031:13:06

BEEPING

1:13:151:13:16

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

1:13:161:13:18

BEEP

1:13:241:13:26

BEEP

1:13:291:13:31

Dial Foxtrot One.

1:13:391:13:41

PHONE DIALLING

1:13:411:13:44

BEEPING

1:13:441:13:46

MARTY OVER PHONE: Alpha Foxtrot One.

1:13:461:13:47

Foxtrot One, I need a full comparative DNA analysis on

1:13:471:13:50

one Gaylord M Focker, one Jorge Villalobos.

1:13:501:13:54

Translation - George...house of the wolves.

1:13:541:13:55

MARTY: It might take

1:13:551:13:57

a couple of weeks, Santa.

1:13:571:13:58

No good, Foxtrot One.

1:13:581:13:59

I need a 12-hour turnaround.

1:13:591:14:00

I'll secure the physical evidence,

1:14:001:14:02

and the handoff will be

1:14:021:14:03

at Harry Focker's Good Time Supper Club,

1:14:031:14:04

Biscayne Boulevard, 2100 hours tonight.

1:14:041:14:06

MARTY: You got it, Santa.

1:14:061:14:07

Foxtrot One, out.

1:14:071:14:08

BEEP

1:14:081:14:09

-PHONE RINGING

-# When a little angel... #

1:14:091:14:11

-Yellow!

-Bernie,

1:14:111:14:12

this is Jack Byrnes.

1:14:121:14:14

Hey, Jack. Hey, where are you calling from?

1:14:141:14:16

I'm in my RV.

1:14:161:14:17

Would you have Greg meet me here in three minutes?

1:14:171:14:19

-You're in your trailer?

-Thank you. Goodbye.

1:14:191:14:21

But...

1:14:211:14:22

DIAL TONE

1:14:221:14:24

Hey, Gaylord!

1:14:241:14:25

BERNIE: Jack wants you

1:14:251:14:26

to meet him in his trailer in precisely

1:14:261:14:28

three minutes!

1:14:281:14:30

And I have to tell you,

1:14:301:14:31

El Stiffo is really starting to freak me out.

1:14:311:14:34

Greg, wait, OK?

1:14:341:14:36

Listen, no matter how hard he probes you,

1:14:361:14:38

you have to promise that you will not break,

1:14:381:14:39

because I am not ready

1:14:391:14:40

to tell him that I'm pregnant yet, OK?

1:14:401:14:42

Hey, honey...honey.

1:14:421:14:43

We shouldn't... What? What?

1:14:431:14:44

Let him probe,

1:14:441:14:45

cos he's probing a brick wall.

1:14:451:14:47

-ROZ:

-Now show me how you would like

1:14:491:14:51

a romantic evening to go.

1:14:511:14:53

Oh, Jack!

1:14:531:14:54

Wine and candles.

1:14:541:14:55

Gosh, it's not even our anniversary.

1:14:551:14:57

Come here, hot stuff.

1:14:571:14:59

DINA MOANING

1:14:591:15:00

Yes! Yes!

1:15:001:15:02

MOANING

1:15:021:15:03

-Oh, Jack.

-Oh, that was

1:15:031:15:04

good, Dina.

1:15:041:15:06

Jack!

1:15:061:15:08

Down here. Under the bed.

1:15:081:15:10

HYDRAULIC WHIRRING

1:15:131:15:16

Down here, Greg.

1:15:161:15:18

Wow.

1:15:201:15:21

Have a seat.

1:15:211:15:23

OK.

1:15:231:15:25

Watch the panel.

1:15:251:15:27

This is incredible.

1:15:271:15:29

BEEP, WHIRRING

1:15:321:15:34

BEEP

1:15:341:15:35

WHIRRING

1:15:351:15:37

So, this is like your, er, mobile command centre

1:15:401:15:44

for all your spy activities?

1:15:441:15:47

Mainly a secure space

1:15:471:15:48

for me to spend some alone time

1:15:481:15:49

and reflect on my thoughts.

1:15:491:15:51

Hmm. Very cool.

1:15:511:15:53

Greg...

1:15:531:15:55

Yeah.

1:15:551:15:56

You'll recall that we had a discussion

1:15:561:15:58

earlier in the week

1:15:581:15:59

regarding my feelings about family, legacies,

1:15:591:16:01

children and so forth.

1:16:011:16:02

Oh, yeah, of course I recall, yeah.

1:16:021:16:04

Well, I'm gonna just ask you once.

1:16:041:16:08

Is there anything you want to tell me

1:16:081:16:10

regarding things that might have happened?

1:16:101:16:13

Unplanned things?

1:16:131:16:16

Things involving the fruit of your loins?

1:16:161:16:19

No.

1:16:221:16:24

BIRDS SINGING

1:16:251:16:28

Well, if he's not going to admit it on his own...

1:16:301:16:35

BEEPING

1:16:431:16:44

TOUCH TONE DIALLING

1:16:441:16:47

LINE RINGING

1:16:471:16:48

JORGE: 'Hello.'

1:16:481:16:49

Hello, Jorge.

1:16:491:16:51

It's Jack Byrnes. Remember me?

1:16:511:16:52

'Oh, yeah, sure. You came to the house with Bernie.

1:16:521:16:55

'You had that fancy camera pen.'

1:16:551:16:56

Yeah, that's right.

1:16:561:16:58

Listen, do you have any plans tonight?

1:16:581:17:00

'Uh...no.'

1:17:001:17:02

Good, cos I'd like to invite you to a party.

1:17:021:17:05

INDISTINCT LAUGHTER AND CHATTER

1:17:051:17:07

# And if you feel like dancing, dance

1:17:121:17:16

# And if you feel like falling, fall

1:17:161:17:20

# Cos it will be all right

1:17:201:17:22

# Yeah... #

1:17:221:17:23

-Hey, sweetie.

-Hey. Hi.

1:17:231:17:24

-Having a good time?

-Uh, no, not really.

1:17:241:17:26

No? Oh.

1:17:261:17:27

Hey, listen, sweetie,

1:17:271:17:28

did you tell your mother that I'm pregnant?

1:17:281:17:30

Because she keeps on touching my stomach and smiling like...

1:17:301:17:32

-Hi.

-..like that.

-Um...

1:17:321:17:33

Yeah. No, I didn't tell her.

1:17:331:17:35

She just... She guessed.

1:17:351:17:36

-She what?

-Yeah.

1:17:361:17:37

-And then she told my dad.

-Oh, my God.

1:17:371:17:39

Stop it. Bernie.

1:17:391:17:40

Bernie, stop. Would...

1:17:401:17:42

It's not funny.

1:17:421:17:44

-I told my mom.

-What?

1:17:441:17:46

-Yeah.

-What... What are you...?

1:17:461:17:47

I... I... I... Now your dad's definitely gonna find out.

1:17:471:17:49

No, no. No, she knows my dad.

1:17:491:17:51

She would never say a word.

1:17:511:17:52

No, no, no, but he's very, very suspicious...

1:17:521:17:53

-Oh, Greg.

-Yeah. Hey.

1:17:531:17:54

Hi.

1:17:541:17:55

Honey, would you take this to your mother?

1:17:551:17:57

It's a wine spritzer.

1:17:571:17:58

That's all she drinks now.

1:17:581:18:00

OK. You boys have fun.

1:18:001:18:02

OK.

1:18:021:18:03

HE SIGHS

1:18:051:18:06

Nice.

1:18:061:18:07

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

1:18:071:18:08

Nice party, isn't it?

1:18:081:18:09

Yeah, it is, it's nice.

1:18:091:18:10

It's got a nice, festive vibe.

1:18:101:18:13

Have you met the, er, some of the cousins?

1:18:131:18:15

I met some, yes.

1:18:151:18:16

Yeah.

1:18:161:18:17

I met some, um... Dom?

1:18:171:18:20

Mm, yeah, Dom Focker.

1:18:201:18:21

That's my dad's, er, first cousin.

1:18:211:18:23

Did you meet, er, his kids, Randy and Orny?

1:18:231:18:26

I've met Randy and Orny, yes.

1:18:261:18:28

Yeah. Yeah.

1:18:281:18:29

Come on, I want to introduce you to somebody.

1:18:291:18:31

Come on.

1:18:311:18:32

Oh, there he is.

1:18:341:18:36

Glad you could make it, Jorge.

1:18:361:18:37

Oh, hey.

1:18:371:18:39

Thanks for the invite, Mr B.

1:18:391:18:41

Greg, this is Jorge Villalobos.

1:18:411:18:44

-Hey.

-Hey.

1:18:441:18:45

-How you doing?

-Isabel's son.

1:18:451:18:48

Oh, I didn't realise Isabel had a son.

1:18:481:18:51

When did she get married?

1:18:511:18:53

She's... She's not married.

1:18:531:18:54

Oh, he's never met his father.

1:18:541:18:57

Oh. I'm sorry.

1:18:571:19:00

That's... I mean, that's-that's too bad.

1:19:001:19:02

Oh, no, no, it's-it's cool.

1:19:021:19:03

My mom said my dad wasn't, like, mature enough

1:19:031:19:06

to deal with a kid anyway, so...

1:19:061:19:08

Yeah.

1:19:081:19:09

So, how do you guys know each other?

1:19:091:19:11

Well, this young man is quite the mechanic.

1:19:111:19:14

And he's only 15 years old.

1:19:141:19:15

Isn't that impressive?

1:19:151:19:16

Really? You're 15?

1:19:161:19:18

Yeah.

1:19:181:19:19

That is impressive.

1:19:191:19:20

He's a handsome kid, huh?

1:19:201:19:22

Yeah.

1:19:221:19:23

Almost like a young, half-Hispanic Marlon Brando?

1:19:231:19:26

Well, I'll leave you two guys to talk.

1:19:271:19:31

You probably have a lot in common.

1:19:311:19:33

Ow.

1:19:331:19:34

Well. Hmm. Hmm.

1:19:411:19:44

So you're...

1:19:441:19:46

15?

1:19:461:19:48

Come on, you Fockers! Conga!

1:20:081:20:11

Let's conga!

1:20:111:20:12

Did you order the Tom Collins, sir?

1:20:121:20:13

Is it made with fresh lemon juice?

1:20:131:20:15

They're Bermuda lemons, sir, and I squeezed them myself.

1:20:151:20:18

Stay safe, Santa.

1:20:211:20:23

CROWD CHANTING: Go, Bernie, go Focker...

1:20:261:20:28

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

1:20:281:20:30

LAUGHS

1:20:301:20:32

CHEERING

1:20:321:20:34

Go Bernie, go Focker...

1:20:341:20:36

Yay!

1:20:361:20:38

Go Bernie, go Focker...

1:20:381:20:40

GLASS BREAKING

1:20:411:20:43

I mean, it's romantic out here, don't you think?

1:20:431:20:46

The... The moon, the sea.

1:20:461:20:49

Isn't it nice?

1:20:491:20:50

Mm, yeah, it's nice.

1:20:501:20:51

You look very handsome tonight, Jack.

1:20:541:20:56

Oh, well, thank you, honey.

1:20:561:20:57

What are you doing to my ears?

1:21:021:21:04

Nothing. Just...

1:21:041:21:07

-BERNIE IN DISTANCE:

-Hey! Hey!

1:21:091:21:11

I have to go to the bathroom.

1:21:111:21:13

I'll be right back.

1:21:131:21:14

OK.

1:21:141:21:16

BAND PLAY LIVELY TROPICAL RHYTHMS

1:21:161:21:18

Hello, Greg.

1:21:231:21:24

Hi, Jack.

1:21:241:21:27

Did you have a nice conversation with your son?

1:21:301:21:32

Jack, I never even met that kid before.

1:21:321:21:35

Focker, you've been covering this up from the very beginning.

1:21:351:21:38

No, I haven't, Jack.

1:21:381:21:40

It's just another one of your crazy theories.

1:21:401:21:42

Greg, you're still in the circle of trust,

1:21:421:21:46

so I'm gonna give you one more chance.

1:21:461:21:48

Are you ready to admit that you've been hiding this from Pam?

1:21:481:21:52

No, I haven't.

1:21:521:21:53

-You're not hiding anything?

-No.

1:21:531:21:55

All right?

1:21:551:21:57

Oh, Greg.

1:21:571:22:00

What are you holding?

1:22:011:22:02

What's in your hand?

1:22:021:22:04

Nothing.

1:22:041:22:05

Jack, I can see in the mirror. What is that?

1:22:051:22:07

You've got something in your hand.

1:22:071:22:08

-Don't worry about it, Greg.

-Is that a needle?

1:22:081:22:11

Yes, it is.

1:22:111:22:13

You seem tense. I was gonna offer you a sedative.

1:22:131:22:17

You're joking, right?

1:22:171:22:18

No, I'm not.

1:22:181:22:20

HE LAUGHS Jack.

1:22:201:22:22

Is that tartar sauce on your shoulder?

1:22:221:22:24

Tartar sauce?

1:22:241:22:26

GROANING

1:22:261:22:27

GURGLING

1:22:271:22:28

Why? Oh.

1:22:291:22:31

You've been injected

1:22:311:22:32

with a highly concentrated dose of sodium pentothal,

1:22:321:22:35

street name, "truth serum".

1:22:351:22:36

You will have no recollection of this in a few minutes,

1:22:361:22:38

and tonight, for the first time

1:22:381:22:40

in your life, my young friend,

1:22:401:22:41

you are going to be honest.

1:22:411:22:43

FOOTSTEPS RETREATING

1:22:431:22:46

Keep the pressure on it.

1:22:461:22:47

MUSIC PLAYING

1:22:471:22:48

LJ COOING Get down, Little Jack.

1:22:481:22:49

Get funky. Ooh.

1:22:491:22:51

BOTH LAUGH

1:22:511:22:53

-Ooh.

-Oh.

1:22:531:22:55

-Hey there, preggers.

-Quiet.

1:22:551:22:56

How you doing?

1:22:561:22:58

I'm fine. Where have you been?

1:22:581:22:59

Oh, I went to the bathroom to pee,

1:22:591:23:00

and now I am

1:23:001:23:01

talking to you, my fiancee,

1:23:011:23:03

who I've delayed marrying for two years

1:23:031:23:05

because I didn't want our parents to meet.

1:23:051:23:07

BURBLES

1:23:071:23:08

What?

1:23:081:23:10

What?

1:23:101:23:11

What?

1:23:111:23:12

You don't like me. It's OK.

1:23:121:23:14

I don't like your little red outfit.

1:23:141:23:16

It makes you look like a little demon baby.

1:23:161:23:18

And maybe I'll get you a little pitchfork

1:23:181:23:20

for Christmas, huh?

1:23:201:23:21

So we can put you on a can of Underwood ham.

1:23:211:23:23

I'm sorry that I can't

1:23:231:23:24

make little poop sounds, and I can't make little things

1:23:241:23:27

that tell people when I want to do things.

1:23:271:23:29

And guess what?

1:23:291:23:30

I can make a sign to you, too.

1:23:301:23:32

How's that for a sign?

1:23:321:23:34

Ooh!

1:23:341:23:35

APPLAUSE

1:23:351:23:37

Oh, look, Bernie's getting up on the stage. Come on, come on.

1:23:371:23:39

And now to say a few words,

1:23:391:23:41

one of the great

1:23:411:23:43

registered nurses of all time,

1:23:431:23:46

Gaylord Myron Focker.

1:23:461:23:48

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

1:23:481:23:49

Come on, let's give it up to Gay!

1:23:491:23:50

Give it up to him!

1:23:501:23:52

GREG: Bernie

1:23:551:23:57

Focker!

1:23:571:23:58

I love the shirt, Dad.

1:23:581:24:01

Thank you. APPLAUSE AND WHISTLING

1:24:011:24:02

All right.

1:24:021:24:04

It's great to be here with all of you as I am

1:24:041:24:07

about to set sail in my ship of life

1:24:071:24:12

with my first mate,

1:24:121:24:14

the beautiful young blonde lass over there.

1:24:141:24:16

Hey, baby.

1:24:161:24:17

I love you, honey.

1:24:171:24:19

I still masturbate to Pam.

1:24:231:24:25

-ALL GASPING

-Greg?

1:24:251:24:26

What? It's true.

1:24:261:24:27

Honey, what? Come on.

1:24:271:24:28

You're hot. Look at her.

1:24:281:24:30

Look at those boobs.

1:24:301:24:31

Man!

1:24:311:24:32

I just want to...

1:24:321:24:33

I just want to lather them up with soap and just...

1:24:331:24:36

BLUBBERING ..get in.

1:24:361:24:37

I love it! Oh!

1:24:371:24:38

Man, I just want to...

1:24:381:24:39

I just want to nestle in there and just take

1:24:391:24:41

a little vacation in there.

1:24:411:24:44

Honey.

1:24:441:24:46

Honey. What?

1:24:461:24:47

I'm sorry. OK.

1:24:471:24:48

Excuse me for you being perfect.

1:24:481:24:50

Hey, you know who else is great?

1:24:501:24:51

That woman over there.

1:24:511:24:53

My future mother-in-law,

1:24:531:24:55

Dina Byrnes. LIGHT APPLAUSE

1:24:551:24:56

# Dina, Dina, bo-bina banana-fana fo-fina

1:24:561:24:59

# I love D-D-Dina Byrnes! #

1:24:591:25:03

Mm-hmm. APPLAUSE

1:25:031:25:04

You know, they say if you really want to know

1:25:041:25:06

what a woman's gonna look like

1:25:061:25:07

when she gets older, you should look at her mother.

1:25:071:25:09

Well, I'm a-lookin', and I'm a-likin'.

1:25:091:25:12

WOMAN GASPS

1:25:121:25:13

Whoo! Look at her.

1:25:131:25:14

Sweetness.

1:25:141:25:16

CROWD MURMURING

1:25:161:25:17

LAUGHS

1:25:171:25:18

Good genes in the Byrnes gene pool.

1:25:181:25:21

Hey! Hey, you!

1:25:211:25:23

Yeah, you.

1:25:231:25:25

Hold on. Pam, I got to tell you something

1:25:251:25:27

about... BERNIE MURMURING

1:25:271:25:28

..about this little dude right here.

1:25:281:25:30

In my first really passionate sexual awakening...

1:25:301:25:34

I did, in fact, lose my virginity

1:25:341:25:36

to our beautiful housekeeper, Isabel.

1:25:361:25:39

Greg, honey, that was in the past,

1:25:391:25:40

so why don't you come sit down?

1:25:401:25:41

No, no, no, honey. Cos I have to get this off my chest, really.

1:25:411:25:44

Sit.

1:25:441:25:46

We conceived a child.

1:25:471:25:49

ALL GASPING

1:25:491:25:50

MAN CLEARS THROAT

1:25:501:25:51

His name is Jorge Villalobos. Come up here,

1:25:511:25:53

Jorge, come up here.

1:25:531:25:55

CROWD MURMURING

1:25:551:25:56

Let's lift the veil of mystery.

1:25:561:25:58

The fruit of my loins is right here.

1:25:581:26:01

Everybody, take a look.

1:26:011:26:02

See his face.

1:26:021:26:04

He is mine.

1:26:041:26:05

Search your feelings, Jorge.

1:26:051:26:08

You know it to be true.

1:26:081:26:09

Yo soy tu papa.

1:26:091:26:12

HE SIGHS

1:26:171:26:18

It's OK. I know.

1:26:181:26:19

I know. A lot of information.

1:26:191:26:21

You let it settle.

1:26:211:26:22

Who'd'a thunk it, huh? Come on.

1:26:221:26:23

Give that kid a hand.

1:26:231:26:24

APPLAUSE

1:26:241:26:26

Oh, and, er, Jack...

1:26:261:26:28

..Pam's pregnant.

1:26:291:26:31

CROWD MURMURING

1:26:311:26:33

Focker out.

1:26:331:26:35

CROWD GASPS

1:26:361:26:39

SNIFFLES

1:26:551:26:57

GRUNTS

1:26:571:27:00

SOFT GROANING

1:27:021:27:04

Hey.

1:27:071:27:08

Hey.

1:27:081:27:10

What happened last night?

1:27:101:27:12

Well, you got drunk and told my dad I'm pregnant.

1:27:121:27:15

You revealed you have a 15-year-old son named Jorge.

1:27:151:27:18

And, oh, apparently, you have the hots for my mom.

1:27:181:27:21

Oh, my God.

1:27:211:27:23

I... I...

1:27:231:27:24

I mean, is that really true?

1:27:241:27:26

I think she's attractive, but...

1:27:261:27:28

No, that you have a son you never told me about.

1:27:281:27:32

I... Honey, if it... I...

1:27:321:27:34

If it is, I never heard about it before last night.

1:27:341:27:36

Isabel never said anything to me.

1:27:361:27:37

I... I...

1:27:371:27:38

SIGHS

1:27:381:27:40

I mean, I don't even remember drinking.

1:27:401:27:42

You're telling me the truth, aren't you?

1:27:421:27:44

Of course I am. Pam, I love you.

1:27:441:27:47

I would never lie to you about anything like that.

1:27:471:27:49

I love you, too.

1:27:541:27:56

And if Jorge really is your son,

1:27:561:27:58

then we will make it work.

1:27:581:28:01

OK.

1:28:011:28:03

I...

1:28:031:28:04

Hey, how did your dad react to the pregnancy news?

1:28:061:28:09

Well...

1:28:091:28:11

just as you'd expect.

1:28:111:28:13

Slept in the RV.

1:28:131:28:14

He hasn't spoken to anyone since last night.

1:28:141:28:17

HORN PLAYING "Puff The Magic Dragon"

1:28:171:28:19

-JACK OVER PA:

-Pam, we have to leave this island.

1:28:191:28:21

Get in the RV right now.

1:28:211:28:23

Bernard, get out from under the vehicle,

1:28:231:28:25

or I will run you over.

1:28:251:28:27

I'm not moving, Jack.

1:28:271:28:28

There's a non-violent way to handle this.

1:28:281:28:30

What's going on?

1:28:301:28:32

Well, your father wants to leave,

1:28:321:28:33

and Bernie is staging a sit-in.

1:28:331:28:34

Dad, come on, get up. This is ridiculous.

1:28:341:28:36

You weren't around in the '60s, man.

1:28:361:28:38

This is how we got things done.

1:28:381:28:40

-JACK OVER PA:

-Pam, Dina,

1:28:401:28:41

we have to get off this island.

1:28:411:28:42

It's evil.

1:28:421:28:43

Jack Byrnes, out of the RV!

1:28:431:28:45

You are acting like such a jerk!

1:28:451:28:48

Yes! There you go, Jacko!

1:28:521:28:55

Yes!

1:28:551:28:56

Man, we're gonna have a grandchild.

1:28:561:28:58

Come on, we should be celebrating.

1:28:581:29:00

How could you not see it?

1:29:001:29:01

Greg is completely unfit to handle a child.

1:29:011:29:03

He's neglected his own son for 15 years!

1:29:031:29:06

-Hey, Jack, I didn't even know he existed.

-That's right.

1:29:061:29:08

Oh, who knows what to believe with you.

1:29:081:29:10

You're dishonest about everything.

1:29:101:29:11

You're so much better, Jack?

1:29:111:29:12

Why don't you tell everybody

1:29:121:29:14

what you did last night to Greg at the party?

1:29:141:29:16

Muskrat, Dina.

1:29:161:29:17

-Huh?

-Oh, stuff your muskrat, Jack.

1:29:171:29:19

-He shot Greg with truth serum before his speech.

-What?!

1:29:191:29:23

Here, I found this in his pocket.

1:29:231:29:25

- Here we go again, Dad.

1:29:251:29:27

- He did the same thing to Pam's junior prom date.

1:29:271:29:29

Oh, my God.

1:29:291:29:30

Wait a minute. Yes. Yes! Wait a minute. I...

1:29:301:29:32

You stuck a needle in my neck!

1:29:321:29:33

You drugged my son?!

1:29:331:29:34

- I had no choice.

1:29:341:29:35

He refuses to tell the truth.

1:29:351:29:37

Because he's terrified.

1:29:371:29:38

He thinks he has to impress you!

1:29:381:29:39

He's had us trying to impress you, but

1:29:391:29:42

in my opinion, Jack, I think it's you

1:29:421:29:43

who should be trying to impress us!

1:29:431:29:45

Jack, you've insulted me, my wife, my son,

1:29:451:29:48

our entire way of life.

1:29:481:29:50

I've sat back and taken it,

1:29:501:29:51

but now, you've crossed the line, sir,

1:29:511:29:53

and I am going to have to kick your ass.

1:29:531:29:55

Dad, Dad.

1:29:551:29:56

-Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

-Wait a second.

1:29:561:29:58

I'm going to teach this florist some justice, Focker-style.

1:29:581:29:59

Dad, calm down.

1:29:591:30:00

Just give me a minute to stretch.

1:30:001:30:03

No, Bernie, you're gonna hurt yourself, honey.

1:30:031:30:05

-Dad, please don't.

-We can talk this through.

1:30:051:30:06

-Jack, don't retaliate.

-Too late for words, Rosalind.

1:30:061:30:08

Dad, Dad! No, no. No dance-fighting. Stop.

1:30:081:30:10

-ROZ: You're gonna hurt yourself.

-This is Capoeira, man.

1:30:101:30:12

This is hardcore shit.

1:30:121:30:13

Bernard, if you continue,

1:30:131:30:15

you will force me to engage you,

1:30:151:30:16

and once I begin the secrets of combat,

1:30:161:30:18

it will only end with your demise.

1:30:181:30:20

Bring it, dawg!

1:30:201:30:21

Come on, bring it, come on!

1:30:211:30:22

-Stop it!

-He's taunting me.

1:30:221:30:24

-Dad!

-Greg!

1:30:241:30:26

What, Bernie, you're gonna snap now?

1:30:261:30:28

ROZ: Greg! What?

1:30:281:30:30

-Greg, honey, are you all right?

-Now look what you did.

1:30:311:30:33

-It's your fault.

-Oh, he's bleeding.

1:30:331:30:35

He's bleeding! He's bleeding, Daddy.

1:30:351:30:36

-I was in a trance.

-That's it.

1:30:361:30:37

Pam, Dina, I'm calling a family conference. Come on.

1:30:371:30:40

No, Dad, this is the family, all right?

1:30:401:30:42

In a few weeks, I'm not gonna be Pam Byrnes.

1:30:421:30:44

I am going to be Pamela Focker!

1:30:441:30:45

Or Byrnes-Focker. We haven't totally decided yet.

1:30:451:30:48

No, no, no. I'm gonna be Pamela Martha Focker.

1:30:481:30:50

I know how that sounds, but-but that's the name I'm taking.

1:30:501:30:53

Pamcake, you're upset.

1:30:531:30:54

I'm not so sure you're thinking clearly right now.

1:30:541:30:56

I'm fine, Dad.

1:30:561:30:58

Jack, it's you who is not thinking clearly!

1:30:581:30:59

These two kids love each other.

1:30:591:31:01

Look. We've been kvelling

1:31:011:31:02

about this pregnancy all weekend.

1:31:021:31:04

You knew she was pregnant?

1:31:041:31:06

We all did, Jack.

1:31:061:31:08

Daddy, I was gonna tell you after the wedding, I swear.

1:31:101:31:13

Oh.

1:31:131:31:15

This was the reason I created the circle of trust.

1:31:151:31:17

So we could discuss these things.

1:31:171:31:19

But the circle isn't gonna work

1:31:191:31:21

if you don't trust anyone that's in it, Dad.

1:31:211:31:23

That's right, honey.

1:31:231:31:26

Dad!

1:31:301:31:31

-Oh, Jack, don't...

-No, Dad...

1:31:311:31:33

-DINA:

-Don't...

1:31:331:31:34

-Daddy.

-Honey.

1:31:341:31:35

-Oh!

-Daddy, please. Daddy,

1:31:351:31:37

-Where are you going?

-Oh, Jack, come on.

1:31:371:31:38

-PAM:

-Don't drive away!

1:31:391:31:41

Jack!

1:31:411:31:42

Daddy!

1:31:421:31:43

No, Daddy, come back, please.

1:31:431:31:45

- Whoa, Jack! - Jack.

1:31:451:31:47

-What are you doing?!

-Dad.

1:31:471:31:49

Jack, please.

1:31:491:31:51

PAM SIGHS

1:31:511:31:52

It's not that bad.

1:31:521:31:53

This is narrishkeit.

1:31:531:31:54

PAM SIGHS

1:31:541:31:56

PHONE RINGING

1:31:591:32:01

- Is it ringing? - There's no answer.

1:32:101:32:12

W|ell, let's give him some space. Maybe he's learning to self-soothe.

1:32:121:32:15

Roz...

1:32:151:32:16

-What?

-This is crazy. I'm going.

1:32:161:32:18

I'm coming with you, Son.

1:32:181:32:19

No, Dad, I can do it myself.

1:32:191:32:20

We got to make up time.

1:32:201:32:21

I know these roads like the back of my hand.

1:32:211:32:23

Come on, let's put this family back together.

1:32:251:32:29

Floor it, Gay. I know a shortcut.

1:32:291:32:31

We'll beat El Stiffo to the freeway.

1:32:311:32:34

You know, I think you make a right up here or a left.

1:32:341:32:36

It's either one or the other.

1:32:361:32:39

You don't know where we are, do you?

1:32:391:32:40

You know, something's wrong here.

1:32:401:32:41

This makes no sense at all.

1:32:411:32:43

-Dad...

-What?

1:32:431:32:44

It's a map of Detroit.

1:32:441:32:44

Oh, well, that explains it.

1:32:441:32:46

Dad...

1:32:461:32:47

Punch it, Gay. We're going to catch that dude.

1:32:471:32:50

SIREN BLARING

1:32:501:32:52

Oh, shit.

1:32:521:32:53

OK, come on, come on. Keep going.

1:32:531:32:55

-Dad, come on, it's a cop.

-What?

1:32:551:32:58

Listen carefully.

1:32:581:32:59

Let me do the talking. I know how to handle these local cops.

1:32:591:33:01

-No, don't - don't do any talking.

-Stay in the vehicle.

1:33:011:33:03

Don't shush me, I'm a lawyer - come on.

1:33:031:33:04

-I'm not shushing you.

-You know how many

1:33:041:33:05

tickets I've talked myself out of?

1:33:051:33:06

Oh, wow, will you look at this yutz?

1:33:061:33:09

Don't they have height requirements?

1:33:091:33:10

GREG: We're screwed.

1:33:101:33:11

-No, we're not.

--Don't, don't.

1:33:111:33:12

Dad, he said to remain in the vehicle.

1:33:121:33:15

Sir, I said to remain in your vehicle.

1:33:151:33:17

-BERNIE:

-I just want to talk to you

1:33:171:33:19

-for one second.

-I've given you a lawful order.

1:33:191:33:20

Now, let's just talk like friendly Floridians.

1:33:201:33:22

If you fail to comply, I will arrest you.

1:33:221:33:24

You see, my son's future father-in-law

1:33:241:33:26

-Sir, shut it.

-Thinks my Gay back there

1:33:261:33:27

has a bastard son.

1:33:271:33:28

I said shut it!

1:33:281:33:29

Shut it.

1:33:291:33:31

I know my civil rights, now.

1:33:291:33:31

-You know your rights, huh?

-Whoa, whoa!

1:33:311:33:33

Oh!

1:33:331:33:34

-I have sensitive wrists.

-Excuse me.

1:33:341:33:36

Sir, return to your vehicle!

1:33:361:33:38

OK, I don't know what he said, but you can't

1:33:381:33:39

-take him seriously.

-All right, that's it!

1:33:391:33:40

-On your belly!

-On my belly?!

1:33:401:33:42

You got a hearing problem, freak?!

1:33:421:33:43

No, I'm just trying to... Ah! oh!

1:33:431:33:45

Now we got two failures to comply.

1:33:451:33:47

Now, I need the two of you to remain

1:33:471:33:51

on the vehicle.

1:33:511:33:54

GROANS

1:33:541:33:56

OK, now, here's my plan.

1:33:561:33:59

Plan? Dad, no.

1:33:591:34:01

It was just a joke.

1:34:011:34:02

-HE SIGHS

-I'm sorry.

1:34:041:34:06

I was... I was just trying to help you, Gay.

1:34:061:34:08

I know, Dad.

1:34:081:34:10

You're always trying to help.

1:34:101:34:11

PHONE RINGING

1:34:131:34:15

Talk to me, Marty.

1:34:171:34:18

What's the intel on operation living skeleton?

1:34:181:34:20

MARTY: 'Focker's not

1:34:201:34:21

'the kid's father, Jack.'

1:34:211:34:22

Are you kidding me?

1:34:221:34:24

I was sure I had that pegged.

1:34:241:34:26

'I'm sending you a visual uplink now.

1:34:261:34:28

'The dad was a minor league Florida ballplayer.

1:34:281:34:30

'His name is Rusty Bridges.

1:34:301:34:34

'We all make mistakes, Santa.

1:34:341:34:37

'Foxtrot one, out.'

1:34:371:34:38

MONITOR BEEPS

1:34:381:34:41

HE SIGHS

1:34:461:34:47

34 years spent reading other people,

1:34:471:34:50

and I get it all wrong.

1:34:501:34:51

My own wife - I don't even know what she's thinking,

1:34:511:34:54

and my daughter keeps secrets from me.

1:34:541:34:56

Sometimes I think

1:34:561:34:58

you're the only person I can really talk to, LJ

1:34:581:35:01

Ass...hoooole.

1:35:011:35:04

I know.

1:35:091:35:12

TYRES SCREECHING

1:35:161:35:18

-OFFICER:

-F-o-c-k...

1:35:271:35:29

Fock-are?

1:35:291:35:30

GREG: Hey, it's Jack.

1:35:301:35:33

-Hey, Jack! that's Jack! Jack!

-Hey!

1:35:331:35:35

Jack!

1:35:361:35:37

Halt!

1:35:371:35:39

Jack!

1:35:391:35:40

-BERNIE:

-Jack!

1:35:401:35:41

Jack!

1:35:411:35:42

Weaver stance!

1:35:421:35:45

GRUNTS

1:35:451:35:47

Oh, my God, you shot my son!

1:35:471:35:48

Halt!

1:35:481:35:50

Your son has merely been stunned by a less-than-lethal weapon.

1:35:501:35:54

ELECTRICAL PULSING

1:35:541:35:56

Remain calm.

1:35:561:35:57

50,000 volts of electricity are now passing

1:35:571:36:00

into your skeletal muscle tissue.

1:36:001:36:01

Your central nervous system has been incapacitated,

1:36:011:36:04

but you will regain motor functions momentarily.

1:36:041:36:07

GROANS

1:36:071:36:09

Officer, do you mind telling me

1:36:111:36:12

why you're arresting these men?

1:36:121:36:14

Oh, mercy.

1:36:141:36:15

It just gets better and better.

1:36:151:36:16

That is none of your business, lookie-loo.

1:36:161:36:20

-Gay?

-Return to your camper.

1:36:201:36:21

At ease, Son. Put away the taser.

1:36:211:36:23

-Jack Byrnes, CIA.

-C-i-what?

1:36:231:36:26

Says here you're retired.

1:36:261:36:29

What you gonna show me next, old-timer, your AARP card?

1:36:291:36:32

Now, you listen to me, and you listen good.

1:36:321:36:34

(What's he doing?)

1:36:341:36:36

Don't worry. He'll get us out of this.

1:36:361:36:38

-You have no right to talk to me that way.

-Stand down, sir.

1:36:381:36:40

No, I will not stand down. You will stand down.

1:36:401:36:42

I will not stand down!

1:36:421:36:43

You will stand down, or you will be working security

1:36:431:36:45

in a retirement home in Boynton Beach.

1:36:451:36:46

Remain calm.

1:36:461:36:48

It's been almost an hour.

1:36:491:36:50

You think they caught up with him?

1:36:501:36:51

Oh, I'm sure, sweetheart.

1:36:511:36:53

If I know Bernie,

1:36:531:36:54

they're probably sitting in a cafe

1:36:541:36:56

in Little Havana eating Chimichangas

1:36:561:36:58

and working out their issues.

1:36:581:36:59

SIRENS BLARING

1:36:591:37:03

OFFICER: Check it out!

1:37:081:37:10

He's got a rubber booby!

1:37:101:37:13

GREG: What's going on?

1:37:251:37:26

What's going on? I was talking to Judge Goldfarb.

1:37:261:37:28

-He's done. We're out.

-What are you talking about?

1:37:281:37:30

I thought you were making our one phone call.

1:37:301:37:32

We don't need it - I ran into the judge in the hall.

1:37:321:37:33

I took care of everything.

1:37:331:37:34

Yeah, right.

1:37:341:37:36

What are you saying, Jack?

1:37:361:37:38

Well, I'm saying if you had kept your mouth shut

1:37:381:37:40

in the first place, we wouldn't even be in this mess.

1:37:401:37:42

I'm a lawyer, Jack. I'm trying to get us out of here.

1:37:421:37:44

Well, what'd you do, give the judge a fondue recipe?

1:37:441:37:47

At least I'm comfortable enough

1:37:471:37:48

in my own skin to cook for my family.

1:37:481:37:50

When was the last time you gave your wife breakfast in bed?

1:37:501:37:52

When is the last time you gave her anything in bed?

1:37:521:37:54

Now you're out of line, Focker.

1:37:541:37:55

You are out of line, man.

1:37:551:37:57

-You are out of line.

-No, you hurt my feelings there.

1:37:571:37:59

There's no reason for you to hurt my feelings.

1:37:591:38:01

-Could you guys stop it?

-He insulted me!

1:38:011:38:03

Yeah, well, this isn't about you.

1:38:031:38:04

All right?

1:38:041:38:05

It's not about either of you.

1:38:051:38:06

It's about me and Pam.

1:38:061:38:08

We're getting married. That's it.

1:38:081:38:10

We're starting our own circle of trust and guess what?

1:38:101:38:13

You're not in it.

1:38:131:38:14

Well, you can't start a circle of trust. It's my circle.

1:38:141:38:17

You know what? you don't have a patent on the circle, Jack.

1:38:171:38:19

And by the way, you're not even in your own circle right now.

1:38:191:38:21

That is untrue. I say who's in or out of the circle.

1:38:211:38:25

Well, I'm confused.

1:38:251:38:26

Whose circle am I in?

1:38:261:38:28

GREG AND JACK: Nobody's.

1:38:301:38:32

Look, we're starting a family, OK?

1:38:391:38:41

We're-we're going to have a baby.

1:38:411:38:43

I have a 15-year-old son.

1:38:431:38:44

You guys got to just put aside your issues

1:38:441:38:46

and-and do what's best for us, OK?

1:38:461:38:49

SIGHS

1:38:491:38:50

Greg, Jorge's not your son.

1:38:501:38:52

-What?

-I had a comparative DNA analysis conducted last night and I made a mistake.

1:38:521:38:57

You made a mistake?

1:38:571:38:59

Yes, I did.

1:38:591:38:59

-BERNIE:

-Wait a minute.

1:38:591:39:01

Truth serum, DNA matches.

1:39:011:39:02

Who the hell are you, Jack Byrnes?

1:39:021:39:04

I'm not really a florist, Bernard.

1:39:041:39:05

I was in the CIA

1:39:051:39:06

for 32 years, and I retired

1:39:061:39:08

right before I met Greg.

1:39:081:39:09

Oh, sure. Well, that makes sense.

1:39:091:39:13

Bingo, bango, bongo.

1:39:131:39:15

Bernie, whY the heck are you still here?

1:39:151:39:18

Ira.

1:39:181:39:19

Cletus, open up, let these guys out.

1:39:191:39:21

Judge, what exactly did he say to you?

1:39:211:39:23

He didn't have to say anything.

1:39:231:39:25

Dr Roz saved my marriage.

1:39:251:39:27

I'd do anything for that woman.

1:39:271:39:29

You tell sugar pants

1:39:291:39:30

I'll see her in class next week.

1:39:301:39:32

Will do, Ira. Thanks.

1:39:321:39:34

Well, wh-what can I say?

1:39:341:39:36

I'm married to a very powerful woman.

1:39:361:39:37

All right, gentlemen, let's go.

1:39:371:39:38

-Excuse me.

-What?

1:39:381:39:40

Can you, er... could you close the cell door?

1:39:401:39:41

Focker.

1:39:411:39:42

You want to remain in the cell?

1:39:421:39:43

We're not done talking yet.

1:39:431:39:46

What?

1:39:461:39:48

So, what do you think, huh?

1:39:481:39:50

Hmm? Can we work this out or not?

1:39:501:39:52

OK.

1:39:531:39:55

Jack?

1:39:551:39:57

Uh...I don't know.

1:39:571:40:00

Good enough.

1:40:001:40:02

All right, then, er, I think Pam and I should...

1:40:021:40:04

should get married this weekend.

1:40:041:40:06

This weekend?

1:40:061:40:07

Oh, I'm not so sure that's a good idea.

1:40:071:40:08

You want to be in the circle or not, Jack?

1:40:081:40:10

OK, we'll do it this weekend.

1:40:101:40:11

Aw, Jack.

1:40:111:40:14

Hey, I think I can get Judge Ira to marry you guys.

1:40:181:40:21

Well, I don't think so, Bernard, and if it's all right with you,

1:40:211:40:24

Greg, I already have a minister in mind.

1:40:241:40:26

# If I were a carpenter

1:40:351:40:37

# And you were a lady... #

1:40:371:40:40

Oh, my God, Daddy, you didn't.

1:40:401:40:42

-JACK:

-Well, meeting Greg

1:40:421:40:43

made such an impression on Kevin,

1:40:431:40:45

he spent eight months in Israel on a kibbutz.

1:40:451:40:47

Then he took an Internet course and got ordained

1:40:471:40:49

as an interfaith minister.

1:40:491:40:51

Now, Jack told me that you were OK with me conducting this ceremony.

1:40:521:40:55

I-I hope that's true.

1:40:551:40:57

Yeah, yeah, no, I think it's great you're doing it.

1:40:571:41:00

I mean, it is a little weird.

1:41:031:41:06

Will you listen to me when I say this?

1:41:061:41:08

Pam and I did not have one-tenth

1:41:081:41:10

of the spiritual connection that you two obviously share.

1:41:101:41:13

I mean, I look at you both together,

1:41:131:41:14

and you're beautiful.

1:41:141:41:15

I get it, OK?

1:41:151:41:17

-OK. Thank you, Kevin.

-Thank you, Greg.

1:41:171:41:19

You're going to be a great mom, Pamcake.

1:41:271:41:31

Thank you, Daddy.

1:41:311:41:33

TROPICAL THEMED MUSIC AND PAN PIPES PLAYING

1:41:431:41:47

And who gives this woman to this man?

1:41:561:41:59

I do. Jack Tiberius Byrnes.

1:41:591:42:02

Daddy.

1:42:111:42:13

-Sorry, Greg.

-OK.

1:42:161:42:18

She's all yours now.

1:42:181:42:21

That was sweet, honey. You all right?

1:42:271:42:30

Shalom, everyone!

1:42:301:42:32

ALL: Shalom.

1:42:321:42:33

Shalom.

1:42:331:42:34

Manishma, which is Hebrew for, "What's going on?"

1:42:341:42:37

LAUGHTER

1:42:371:42:39

Let us begin with the blessing of the wine.

1:42:391:42:42

SINGING IN HEBREW

1:42:421:42:46

Cute.

1:42:511:42:52

GUESTS: Amen.

1:42:591:43:01

DOG YIPS

1:43:011:43:02

-Kevin.

-What?

1:43:081:43:10

Yeah, go ahead, have some.

1:43:101:43:11

# I'm crazy about my baby

1:43:111:43:13

# Crazy about my baby

1:43:131:43:14

# Crazy about my baby Crazy about my baby... #

1:43:141:43:17

CHEERING # Crazy about my baby

1:43:171:43:19

# And my baby's crazy about me... #

1:43:191:43:23

They're so beautiful.

1:43:231:43:24

Mas vino por la mama. Gracias.

1:43:241:43:27

Mm...mm!

1:43:271:43:28

Well, hi.

1:43:281:43:30

-Rosalind.

-Yeah?

1:43:301:43:32

I just have to say I underestimated you.

1:43:321:43:34

Hmm.

1:43:341:43:36

When it comes to relationships, I'm starting to see

1:43:361:43:38

that you might actually know what you're talking about.

1:43:381:43:40

CHUCKLING

1:43:401:43:42

I appreciate that, Jack.

1:43:421:43:43

Really. Thank you.

1:43:431:43:45

I also was curious about the advice you gave Judge Ira.

1:43:451:43:48

Hmm...

1:43:481:43:49

Is that... classified information?

1:43:491:43:53

I thought you'd never ask.

1:43:531:43:54

I'm going to give you a crash course.

1:43:541:43:57

OK? come here.

1:43:571:44:01

Really?

1:44:021:44:04

Uh-huh.

1:44:041:44:06

And I do that for how many minutes?

1:44:081:44:11

Hey, hey! There's my brother from another mother.

1:44:111:44:14

Congratulations, Jacko.

1:44:161:44:18

We made it.

1:44:181:44:19

Put that away, Bernard.

1:44:191:44:21

We're family now.

1:44:241:44:27

We're family.

1:44:311:44:33

Now if you'll excuse me,

1:44:331:44:34

I have some unfinished business to take care of.

1:44:341:44:37

Go get her, tiger!

1:44:401:44:42

HE ROARS

1:44:421:44:45

We Fockerised him.

1:44:451:44:47

We sure did.

1:44:471:44:48

I'd like to Fockerise you.

1:44:481:44:49

SQUEALS

1:44:491:44:50

# Crazy about you, baby

1:44:501:44:51

# Crazy about you, baby

1:44:511:44:53

# Crazy about you, baby

1:44:531:44:55

# I know you're crazy about me... #

1:44:551:44:58

CHEERING

1:44:581:45:00

# Who's going to take my love away, nobody

1:45:001:45:02

# Who's going to take my love?

1:45:021:45:05

# Who's going to take my love away?

1:45:051:45:07

# Who's going to take my love? #

1:45:071:45:11

Sweetheart, do we have to hurry like this?

1:45:111:45:14

Honey, we're on a covert operation.

1:45:141:45:16

The bandleader told me we have 23 minutes

1:45:161:45:17

before they cut the cake.

1:45:171:45:20

# Crazy about my baby

1:45:211:45:23

# My baby's crazy about me... #

1:45:231:45:25

Jack, what are you doing?

1:45:251:45:27

A little trick Bernie taught me.

1:45:271:45:28

# Crazy about my baby Crazy about my baby

1:45:281:45:32

# Crazy about my baby

1:45:321:45:32

# Crazy about my baby

1:45:321:45:33

# My baby's crazy about me

1:45:331:45:36

# I'm crazy about my baby

1:45:381:45:41

-# My baby's crazy about me.

-#

1:45:411:45:43

Now, let's find out,

1:45:521:45:53

LJ, why the Ferber method isn't working.

1:45:531:45:58

TAPE SQUEAKING IN REWIND

1:45:591:46:01

CRYING

1:46:011:46:02

Oh, hi, baby.

1:46:021:46:04

Hi, Little Jack. OK.

1:46:041:46:06

Oh, look what I brought you.

1:46:061:46:08

Oh, what did I bring?

1:46:081:46:11

A chocolate... for the baby.

1:46:111:46:14

-GASPS

-Yummy. Is that good?

1:46:141:46:16

I know you're not supposed to have this.

1:46:161:46:18

Grandpa Jack doesn't like chocolate.

1:46:181:46:20

But he's a little, you know, wacko.

1:46:201:46:21

Don't tell him, OK?

1:46:211:46:23

You know what?

1:46:231:46:24

I got some cake in the refrigerator.

1:46:241:46:25

Later, I'll bring you that, OK?

1:46:251:46:27

Chocolate cake. Good boy.

1:46:271:46:29

But don't tell anyone, OK?

1:46:291:46:31

OK, one more.

1:46:311:46:33

TAPE SQUEAKING IN FAST FORWARD

1:46:331:46:35

-LITTLE JACK CRYING

-You yell and scream

1:46:351:46:37

all you want, make noise.

1:46:371:46:38

That's what this country's all about.

1:46:381:46:39

I think we got a little protester on our hands.

1:46:391:46:42

Oh, it figures, I should've known

1:46:421:46:44

this was going to go on.

1:46:441:46:46

Always question authority.

1:46:461:46:47

You have to question everything El Stiffo Grandpa Jack says.

1:46:471:46:50

You know why? because he's full of...

1:46:501:46:53

He's full of... ah-zooga-zooga-zooga.

1:46:531:46:55

Grandpa Jack's full of...

1:46:551:46:57

a-poop-a-doop, a-poop-a-doop,

1:46:571:46:59

- Oh... - a-poop-ah-doo.

1:46:591:47:01

Grandpa Jack is full of...

1:47:011:47:03

MAKING SQUIRTING NOISE

1:47:031:47:04

TAPE SQUEALING IN FAST FORWARD

1:47:041:47:06

GREG: There he is.

1:47:061:47:08

Little man Jack.

1:47:081:47:10

How you doing?

1:47:101:47:11

Can I interest you in a little wodka?

1:47:111:47:14

Just kidding.

1:47:141:47:15

I'm, like, officially your uncle now,

1:47:151:47:18

so I was thinking maybe I should give you

1:47:181:47:19

some uncle-y advice.

1:47:191:47:21

You know, little hints for surviving in this family,

1:47:211:47:23

cos you got to learn to keep secrets

1:47:231:47:24

from your psycho Grandpa Jack.

1:47:241:47:26

He was really upset when you crawled

1:47:261:47:28

out of the playpen, which is why we'd never tell him

1:47:281:47:29

that instead of watching you,

1:47:291:47:31

I was actually out by the lagoon

1:47:311:47:33

smoking a little reefer.

1:47:331:47:35

Shh...

1:47:351:47:36

SIPS DRINK

1:47:361:47:38

Or that whole thing about Pam being "pregnant."

1:47:381:47:41

There's no little Focker on the way.

1:47:411:47:43

Whole thing was just made up

1:47:431:47:45

so Jack would let us get married.

1:47:451:47:46

But you got to do what you got to do, right?

1:47:461:47:49

That's cute.

1:47:491:47:50

It's like a little alligator Tchotchke thing.

1:47:501:47:53

What's that in its mouth?

1:47:531:47:54

He's got, like, a...

1:47:541:47:55

a camera!

1:47:551:47:57

GASPS

1:47:571:47:59

Busted.

1:47:591:48:00

Hi, Jack.

1:48:021:48:03

I knew you were there all along.

1:48:031:48:05

I was just, er, doing a little show for you.

1:48:051:48:08

You know I don't smoke pot or anything and Pam is pregnant.

1:48:081:48:10

You should've seen the look on your face, though.

1:48:101:48:11

Oh, so good.

1:48:111:48:13

Ass...hoooole.

1:48:131:48:16

CHUCKLING

1:48:161:48:17

Hey, look at me, Jack.

1:48:171:48:19

What am I?

1:48:191:48:20

GROWLING

1:48:201:48:23

I'm a frozen caveman.

1:48:231:48:25

Study me, Jack.

1:48:251:48:27

GIGGLING

1:48:271:48:29

Learn how strange the Focker genetic code is.

1:48:291:48:31

We are weird mutants who hug and kiss.

1:48:311:48:33

We show emotion.

1:48:331:48:35

Jack must learn from us

1:48:351:48:38

-and chip away with his chisel

-Oh, Focker...

1:48:381:48:39

..and hammer of truth.

1:48:391:48:41

Ooga booga!

1:48:411:48:42

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:49:001:49:04

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