Nothing to Lose

This programme contains very strong language

Where do I start?

SIGHS

It's not you.

Well, actually, it is you.

Look, I'm just not...

I'm not attracted to you any more.

I need space.

You kinda...

You kinda gross me out.

In the beginning, it was different.

In the beginning, you were better.

But then I got to know you real well, and...

I-I came to realise...

..that you're a fat idiot.

BOTH LAUGHING

I got ya. I got ya.

OK. OK.

OK, OK, OK. Let me try it.

You gotta be straight. Straight face. OK. OK.

OK. All right. OK.

I want a divorce.

Why?

It's a physical thing.

Physical?

I've been experimenting with other men lately.

A lot of other men... and women.

SIGHS: I don't know.

I mean, Antonio can do this thing with his tongue,

and William's stamina is amazing.

And as far as hands go, well, your father's hands are...

WHOOPING

You are no match. I have no equal.

YELLS Get down here.

# If the shoe fits

# I want you to wear it and wear it good

# Sulkin' about them times when I was by myself

# I was always lookin' for somebody else

# But as time went on I had a talk with my mind

# Friends like you and you I gotta leave behind

# And I'm sayin' call me a fool

# Cos you only rub it in

# And I'll never see you if I had known I'll never see them again

# Cos, well I know the difference just stay in my own business

# And I'll never, ever dump it on you

# Friends and enemies around me every day

# I can't believe the things they say

# Takin' me for granted give me no credit at all

# I'll just keep bouncin' like a bouncin' ball... #

VOCALIZING

# I don't wanna step on nobody's foot but... #

VOCALIZING

# You call me a fool but you only rub it in

# And I'll never see you if I had known

# I'll never see that again

# Cos, well, I know the difference Just stay in my own business

# I'll never, ever depend on you. #

MAN IMITATES ENGINE

CONTINUES IMITATING

B-B-Brickman's!

B-B-Brickman's Powerboats!

Get it? Brickman's sells powerboats.

We make the company mascot a powerboat.

What do you think?

I like it.

Good work, Allan. Zachary, you're up.

Ladies and gentlemen, Zachary. CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I haven't taken it to the focus group yet.

But I just wanted you to know these are just preliminary sketches.

Zach.

Ladies and gentlemen,

in producing the new mascot for Hi-Di-Ho Cookies...

# Da-da-da-dum! #

Zippy!

What is that?

Zippy.

What is Zippy?

The Cookie Man.

What is that behind him? >

A trail of chocolate chips.

Wherever Zippy goes, he leaves a magical trail of chocolate for...

Magical? This looks like poo. >

It looks like Zippy's walking around just crapping all over the place.

No, those are chocolate chips.

What do you think it looks like?

Excrement.

Zach, let's just say you're about to take a big bite of a juicy chocolate chip cookie.

What's the last image you want floating through your head?

Excrement? Right.

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say we should avoid all bowel-related items with this particular product.

Just a hunch, you know? I'll work up something different.

PHONE RINGS Nick Beam's office.

Oh, hi, Ann.

Ooh, aah...

Everybody out. Big business deal.

Hello.

Now we're still on for tonight. You stood me up twice, you know?

It's a done deal. New York Philharmonic. Last night in town.

I'll be escorting the sexiest woman in the world.

What about me? We'll bring ya.

Oh, guess what?

My sister left a message on the machine. She's coming in with her fiance next Friday.

No. Oh, wow. Yeah!

I finally get to meet the mysterious queen of the Peace Corps.

Yes, you do. Hey, can you pick 'em up?

Yeah, sure. When is it?

A week from today.

I think it'll be around 10.30. I'm not sure. I'll have to check.

PB wants to see you ASAP.

Sorry, honey, I gotta go. There's an onslaught of initials coming at me.

- OK. Tell him hello. - I will.

- I hate you. - Me too. Bye.

Phillip.

Nick.

Oh, oh! Bungee jumping. Sunday.

Nick!

No thanks, Phillip.

- PB. - No thanks, PB.

- Nick? - PB?

OK, OK. OK, forget it.

This guy is new. Yeah. What do you think?

Uh, I think he likes me.

Niroog, the fertility god.

Boy, I like looking at this.

Handmade in the paleolithic period.

Had to sacrifice my Ides of March gold Aureus in trade.

Pity. But, er, I think worth it.

So, which one of you wanted to see me?

Charles Mcginty is coming in at 5.00. The Charles Mcginty?

"Mcginty Crackers" Charles Mcginty? The very same. Fantastic.

Anyway, I was supposed to have dinner with Mcginty tonight. I'd love for you to stand in.

Oh, no, er... Phillip, I promised Ann I would...

Nick. Oh, Nick. You gotta help me out here.

I don't get this lucky every day.

Look, if this is about a woman... You're a pal.

I gotta go.

It just needs to be... Guess who just called?

Ann's divorce lawyer?

Mcginty's secretary. He's rescheduling.

- All right! Yes! - Want me to get Ann on the line?

No, I'm gonna try to beat her home. I wanna surprise her.

This is great, huh?

ELEVATOR DINGS

- The wife again? - No, I just met this incredible brunette on the elevator.

Well, I'm jealous. What would I have to do to get flowers all the time?

You don't get flowers all the time? Nope.

That's a crime.

GLASS SHATTERS MAN MUTTERS

MUTTERING

MUTTERING CONTINUES

BED SQUEAKS

MOANING

Phillip.

MOANING CONTINUES

CAR HORNS HONK

Hey, asshole, get out of the road!

# Jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump, jump

# I say fight you're outta the corner a day late, a dollar short

# Friday mornings most people don't get... #

INDISTINCT

# You change your life from left to right you get your wit tracks tight

# Must be testing the master

# The under hood the underworld's under man

# Never mind being understood long as we understand

# You can't twist transistor mixing friends

# Soldiers over here don't snitch they bitch and bit

# All hours while the crowds peepin' in... #

FADES

Welcome to hell, bitch.

Car, keys, wallet. Now!

Did you hear what I said?

< Now, you listen and you listen good.

This is a gun. Don't be fucking around with no gun, white boy!

Helen Keller, I'm talkin' to you.

I know you hear what I'm sayin'.

Boy, did you pick the wrong guy on the wrong day.

Oh!

Shit.

Oh, you're trying to lock me... U-u-unlock the door.

Stop it, man! Stop the car!

Stop the car!

SCREAMS

You're driving on the sidewalk, man! People got to walk there!

AGH! Pull over, man!

White boy, I said, pull over!

TYRES SCREECH

SCREAMING, HORNS HONKING

Yo, man, there's a truck.

I said, yo, man, there's a truck.

Yo, man, there's a truck right there. Stop!

What about my wallet? You wanted to rob me, didn't you?

Yes. I distinctly remember you wanting to rob me.

Here's my wallet. You want it?

Here it is. Here. Here. Right out there.

What you doin', man? That was money.

Oh, I'm sorry. I got something else for you. SCREAMS

I'm blind! I can't see.

The honeys dug my eyes. The honeys dug my eyes.

CAR HORNS HONK, SCREAMS

All right, you win, man. All right? Is that what you wanna hear? You win.

What the fuck?

No, you ain't one of them desert slashers, are you?

Cut a person's body up and leave it out in the desert in little tiny pieces and shit, huh?

Oh, shit! We are in the fucking desert.

I'm in the car with a psycho, freaky, Jason hack-killer mother fucker.

Hey, please don't kill me, freaky Jason.

I said, please don't kill me, freaky Jason.

I done fucking caught a ride with the wrong white boy!

Get out. With pleasure.

Sayo-fucking-nara, pal.

Oh, I can't feel my ass.

My ass done fell asleep.

I didn't even know an ass could fall asleep!

It's all tingly!

Come on, man. You can't leave me out here.

Yo, man! You can't just leave me out here.

OK, I'll make a deal with you.

You drive me home, I'll forget about this whole kidnapping shit.

Oh, come on.

Hello. You tried to rob me.

You had a gun to my head.

Look, I told you the gun wasn't loaded.

You got yourself into this.

You know what you are? You're a bad person. You're an armed robber.

Don't expect me to feel sorry for you.

Excuse me. Is there a problem here?

- Yes. - Is this man botherin' you?

- Yes, he is. - Oh, so you're just gonna come right at the brother.

Why don't you ask if he's bothering me?

Lady, for all you know, I could be Denzel Washington.

Take a good look.

He could be some celebrity stalker.

I'm gonna have to ask you to pay for this coffee now,

cos I've seen these things escalate before.

No problem.

My wallet.

Wow!

Looks like the celebrity stalker don't have a wallet.

Oh, well, thank you. I will get your change, sir.

CHUCKLING >

What? You want me to thank you?

So I owe you a buck.

How was you goin' to get gas?

You don't have no money, no credit cards.

No ID.

Shit, man.

OK. All right.

You give me money for gas, and I'll...take you back.

I'm cool. I'm... I'm straight.

As a matter of fact, I like it out here in the desert.

You know, you get all sweaty.

Just bubbling off your ass.

Just... What?

I just remembered.

I have a spare credit card in the side compartment.

Uh-uh. Like hell!

What's up? CHUCKLING

What's up, white boy? W-w-what's up, huh?

Come on, come on. What ya got?

Huh? Look at you. You fucked around and got dropped.

Get the fuck outta here.

- What? - You hit like a ole girl, man.

Get on out of here, man. Go about your business.

Mother...

What the hell is this, your merry-go-round move?

Thank you.

Hey. Oh!

I didn't know it was expired. I never use it.

So why are you out here?

What do you care? I'm curious.

I'm a student of human nature.

You're a freak of human nature.

That's all right. I forgive you.

It's clear you have woman problems.

You're way off base.

I'm off base? Yeah. Way off base.

She mess around on you? Look...

Even if I wanted to talk about it - which I don't - it wouldn't be with you.

You give her some nastiness?

I know you gave her some serious nastiness. Just forget it.

What about him? Did you fuck him up?

Did you whoop his ass?

I bet you hit that fucker with a bat, didn't ya?

Kling! Pow! Fucked his ass up, didn't ya?

No, wait a minute. You capped him.

You capped that mother, didn't you?

That's why you out here in the desert, ain't ya?

Look, I didn't shoot him. I didn't say anything to my wife. I just left.

What do you mean, you just left? Just left.

I-I saw them doing... you know,

and I...walked away.

What a pussy!

No wonder your woman is sneaking behind your back, man.

Know what your problem is? You don't have the respect of your woman, man.

That's what it is. Me, I got all that.

I go home, my dinner's on the table.

Bam! I don't wanna hear shit, woman.

And if I want lovin' - if I'm in the mood - I get that, too.

You're so full of shit. What would you have done?

I'd have went back to that house and pulled a Terminator on the front door.

Boom, boom, boom! Who do you think you're playin' with, woman?

Who do you think I am, some fruity pie? I ain't no fruity pie.

I'm...I'm Nick Beam.

That's what I told her. I'm Nick Beam.

And Nick Beam ain't puttin' up with that bullshit.

She'd have been crying, you know? "Oh, Nick, oh, Nick, please take me back.

"Please, please, Nick. It was only one time."

I'm gonna "one time" your ass. Nick Beam is the master of his fate,

the ruler of his destiny.

So if you wanna cry on somebody's shoulder,

why don't you cry on superdick?

As for Nick Beam, I'm fit, lit,

and I damn sure ain't takin' no shit.

So you can get the fuck out.

That's what I'd 'a told the bitch.

That's what I'd 'a told the bitch.

What the...?

MAN: Hey, hold it. Hold it. Break it up. Break it up.

Should I pay cash, or do you wanna use your credit card?

HE LAUGHS

PUMP DINGS

Ah! Oh! Shit!

< Put the money in the bag.

Put the money in the fucking bag!

Shit.

Let's go!

Shit.

You weren't gonna leave without me, were you?

- What do you think you're doing? - There's a special they got goin'.

You get a free stack of cash with every fill-up. Some luck, huh?

How stupid can you be?

- We'd better get out of here. - You take that money back.

COCKS RIFLE I'm serious, man. We'd better get goin'.

We'll get going as soon as you bring back that money.

- I'm not bullshitting! Move out! - I'm not going anywhere until...

Here we go.

Why?

I didn't have any money, man.

Oh, you had money. No. That five dollars I gave the waitress was it.

Oh, great. Buford's come to kill us.

TRUCK HORN HONKS

Persistent hillbilly mother fucker. He has every right to be.

You robbed him... at gunpoint.

You dick!

Hey, hey, you're the one who threw the wallet out the fuckin' window.

Smart(!)

POLICE SIREN WAILS Great.

Oh, shit.

- All right, man. What you doin'? - Come on, asshole.

Well, would you look at these crazy sons of bitches?

Oh, no. We gonna die. Pull off the road.

Pull off the fuckin' road!

Oh, shit!

- Oh, shit! - Oh, shit!

Hey, Earl.

Oh...

I'm alive! You alive!

How'd you know that hillbilly was gonna turn first?

You did know he was gonna turn first, didn't ya?

You know what?

It don't even matter. I'm alive!

You alive, man!

Get out! What?

Get out!

It's not even loaded, remember?

What are you even thinking when you do something like that?

You think you're never gonna get caught? We didn't get caught.

That's not the point. It's beetleheaded.

It's only a matter of time before you do get caught.

What is "beetleheaded"?

It's a synonym for "stupid."

Oh. Well, here's a synonym for "procreation." Fuck you!

It's easy for you to point the finger...

when you're sittin' on your rich ass in a big fucking house.

I'm not rich. Oh, yeah.

How big's your TV? What?

I say, how big's your TV? Fifty-inch.

Get in the car. Oh, please. Let's not make this a social issue.

The point is that even if you wanted to rob a place, there are smarter ways to do it.

- Enlighten me. - A mask. Wear a mask.

You see, the police have this thing called a "lineup,"

and if someone recognises you, you go to jail!

Oh, how about this for a novel idea? Case the place first.

Find out if there's a security camera or a hidden alarm.

Then again, why even rob a convenience store?

How much money could you possibly get? Two, three hundred dollars?

Then what? You're set for two days! Wow!

What do you know, lanky? I know you go for the big score.

One robbery, you're set.

News flash, big slim.

People with big money, they protect it.

So you do a little research. Take Quality Design Group, where I work.

My boss keeps a ton of cash in his vault.

At night, there's only two guards and a personal security system.

Now, in this case, I happen to even know the code.

But even if I didn't, I...

< What?

I got a booger in my nose?

What?

IMITATING PHILLIP: Diversify.

You can't trust banks, Nick.

The entire system could crumble at any second.

That bastard's so heavily leveraged, it would wipe him out.

Wait a minute. Am I hearing you right?

Mr "High and mighty" is gonna rob his boss?

You hear that, gila monsters?

Old Nick Beam here is gonna rob his boss!

I say, do you hear that, gila monsters?

You know what, Nick? Your wife really messed your head up bad, man.

You're serious?

How much he got?

Only the bulk of his personal assets.

Six, seven hundred thousand.

You what?

Hey, you gonna need some help. Oh, no, this has nothing to do with you.

Hey, I was present at the time of creative inspiration,

which entitles me to partial ownership

in this criminalistic endeavour.

Get out.

Maybe I'll just call Quality Design Group when we get back.

I want half.

We're gonna bury this asshole.

Sure, you're right. ENGINE STARTS

# If you ever plan

# To motor west

# Travel my way take the highway

# That's the best

# Come on get your kicks

# On route sixty... #

ZIPS ZIPPER

CLOSES CAR DOOR # ..Six

# Well, it winds from Chicago

# To LA

# More than 2,000 miles... #

PHONES RING

- Highway shooters? - One black, one white. You tell me?

You were there, and they got away?

They were driving a 1996 Yukon.

RINGING CONTINUES Licence?

You know, if I had a licence number, Bart, I wouldn't be standing here

eating large quantities of shit, now, would I? No, sir.

Monitor calls on both sides of the border. Fax that photo to every precinct on the planet.

There's so much as a sneeze out there,

I wanna feel the mist.

PHONE RINGS

# I hear a voice... #

Give me all your money and a yoo hoo. The money's all locked up.

That'll be 79 cents, please. LAUGH

# I said come on, little prisoner

# I got something to say... #

SNIFFING

Something stinks, man.

You sure you ain't got a gas leak?

It's my shoes.

Your shoes?

You ever heard of Dr Scholl's?

I spilled some gas on my shoes at the gas station.

You know, the one you robbed.

Oh, so you got a camcorder up in here. What are you doing?

I'm just checkin' it out, man.

Put it down. I ain't gonna break it, man.

Just let me check it out. Just let me see.

Yo, this is your wife?

Man, I see why you were upset.

Not bad, Nick. Not bad, Nick.

I mean, you know, for a cheatin' bitch.

Look, don't you call her that.

You don't know her. Don't call her that.

OK. No disrespect. OK?

What should I call her?

Monogamously challenged?

God.

< I'm just funnin' with you, man.

You know, this is an all right camera for a regular eight.

- It's the best on the market. - Let me explain something to you, Nick.

If you ain't got digital, you ain't got shit.

This has only got one CCD chip.

Broadcast has three, Nick.

Don't look at me like that. What, are you surprised I know shit?

The guy that sold me that camera just set up our computer network.

- Windows NT? - No. Just Windows.

- Man, get out of here with that. - Look, here's a nutty idea.

If you actually know something about this stuff,

why not use that knowledge and get a job?

Take a good look at me.

I'm not exactly the corporate colour. That's ridiculous.

- If you wanted a job, you could have one. - There's a spider on your head.

- What? - There's a spider on your head.

Look, I am sorry. I am not up on all this...

jive-talkin', homeboy lingo.

What's that supposed to mean, there's a spider on your head?

It MEANS - there's a spider on your mother fucking head, man.

Well, get it off! Get it off, get it off!

I ain't touchin' that shit. Get it off!

Get it off, get it off, get if off, get if off!

- Get it off! - Yo, that's a big hairy spider, man.

SCREAMING: Oh!

SCREAMING CONTINUES

MAN SCATTING

SCATTING CONTINUES Nick, it's just a spider.

# I'm a scat man. #

No, no. Now don't go crazy.

- Yeah, you go, boy. - # I'm a scat man... #

Hold on, let me focus. Let me focus on this.

# I'm a scat man. #

SCATTING CONTINUES

You got the hot foot! Yo, Nick!

Get on the good foot. Get on...

Aw, got it!

# I'm a scat man. #

MAN SCATTING

# I'm a scat man. #

I gotta make a call. You pump.

Give me the gun. What?

Gimme the gun.

Man, I wasn't gonna rob the place, man.

Then you won't need this.

IMITATING NICK : Then you won't need this.

You must be really fast.

Twenty dollars on pump number 15...

and a sour fruity twist.

- You a cop? - No.

You bastards have tried this too many times!

Oh, listen... Shut up!

I wasn't gonna... Shut up.

'County Sheriff's station.

'Hello, hello.'

Uh... 'Yes, may I help you?'

That show, Cops...

I love it.

Have you ever had a really bad day?

I'm havin' one right now.

Now, look, baby, I told you I'll be home later.

Now, this guy say he got a job for me payin' big money.

OK, now, please, don't argue with me. Not now. All right?

I'll see you later. OK.

Oh, oh. Oh.

Now all I want's 20 on pump number 15 and a sour fruity twist.

Now is that too much to ask? No, sir.

Do you mind if I take your gun? No, sir.

Would you please rip the phone cord out of the wall?

What? Would you rip the phone cord out of the wall, please?

Thank you.

This is for the phone and for the gun... and for the sour fruity twist.

And 20 on pump number 15. Go on.

Thank you for your patience. Yes, sir.

MACHINE BEEPING

Let me get this straight.

It's all right for you to rob a place, but it ain't all right for me?

I didn't rob him.

Well, you've got a funny way of not robbing a mother fucker.

Nick, let's get out of here, man, before he calls the cops.

He's not gonna call the cops. How do you know?

I had him rip the phone cord out of the wall.

Oh, shoot. That's pretty good.

And you got his gun?

Not bad, Nicholas. Not bad.

CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS

HUMMING

Charlie, this shit's depressing the shit out of me.

- It's makin' me sad. - What?

Oh, come on, man. This is the shit.

This is the shit. It's supposed to make you sad. It's grim.

Oh, man, come on. This is the shit.

This shit is the shit. This is the hellified love music.

I'm in bad shape over here.

You know, maybe I can tune you in... to a nice AM station...

and get you some Donny Osmond.

HE LAUGHS >

Charlie, what's this? Slow down. What the fuck?

Pull over and turn the headlights off.

Yo, man, you could've gotten me a piece of licorice.

It's sour. So.

Still could've gotten me a piece.

I didn't think of it. Oh, you didn't think of it.

Just selfish, man. Guess that's the world.

You know? You just... you just selfish. Here.

GAGGING

Damn.

I swear, white people must got totally different taste buds, man.

That's a very racist thing to say.

Oh, yeah? Good.

CAR HITS BUMPER What the...?!

Whoa, they're rammin' us.

Thanks for the late-breakin' news. Step on the gas, Nick!

I hate new cars.

Look at his face, man.

Our turf, baby.

They don't look like cops.

Definitely not cops.

Get out of the car.

There you go.

All right, mother fuckers, back the fuck off!

Oh, shit. It's cool.

HE LAUGHS

Oh, yeah, I'm cool. We cool.

I was just fuckin' with y'all, man.

Hey, what's up? Y'all live around here?

Bring your ass around the front of the car.

Come on, baby, come on, baby. There you go.

There you go.

All right. OK. Oh! Uh-huh. Watch your feet.

Come on, rubber legs. Let's go. Watch where you're walkin'.

Watch your feet. There you go, baby.

Perhaps you two haven't heard that my partner and I here...

own the rights to all violent crime on this particular stretch of highway.

And we don't take kindly to any unauthorised criminal activities.

You don't understand. We were...

Oh, shit. That's my car.

Can I have your attention, please? Yeah.

I bet you used to sell more Girl Scout cookies

than any other member of the whole troop, didn't ya?

What were you calling yourself back then?

< Yolanda, you little bitch?

< Cynthia? Susan? What was it? I can't remember.

Guys, I will be gentle. Don't even worry about it. Huh?

Now...now, don't even worry.

Uh-huh.

I have these.

Oh, now that's not gonna be enough.

Where'd you put your booty?

Now I've done it.

I finally found someone I like less than you.

That's a fancy case, friend.

You know, when a sweet-mouthed girl like you has a fancy case like this,

a man gets to thinkin'... where's the wallet?

That's it. We're dead, man.

I'm gonna need that wallet, Alice.

Where's that big, fat wallet? Give it to me.

Give me your wallet, you little bitch.

- You know what? - Nick, Nick, what you doin'?

I'm sure you're a really scary guy.

I'm sure that, normally, people just quiver...

at the very sound of your voice.

But, you see, I can't see that right now.

I-I-I just see...

a weak, desperate little man...

that probably grew up torturing little animals.

Some puny, little uncoordinated...

can't-make-the-football-team- so-I'll-pick-on-third-graders- and-steal-their-lunch-money...

punk, jerk-off, bully...

that one day wakes up and realises he's nothing.

Just a sad, pathetic, useless, illiterate piece of inbred shit.

I just want you to know, I totally disagree.

Time to die.

That just makes you my best friend.

All right, drop the fuckin' gun.

Drop the fuckin' gun! >

Give me this, mother fucker.

Now back the fuck up before I kick you in your bitch ass chin.

Back the fuck up! I said, back the fuck up!

Didn't I say, back the fuck up? Everybody, back the fuck up.

Oh!

Shit.

- You shot me. - I'm sorry, Nick.

< Put down the gun. Shut up.

You shot me. I said, I'm sorry, man. I-I didn't mean it.

The gun just went off.

You know, I have that same trouble in bed.

Well, rarely. Every once in a great while.

- Put down that gun, you idiot. - Would you shut up? I'm shot here.

You shut the fuck up. Who the hell do you think you are?

You shut the fuck up! You shut the fuck up!

Man, you shut the fuck up.

You shut the fuck up.

- Hey, hey, hey! - Put that stupid gun down before you take a toe hit.

- You shut the fuck up! - I don't care! - Shut the fuck up!

- Shut the fuck up, man! - Shut the fuck up! - Hey, hey, hey!

Hey! Everybody, shut the fuck up!

Now, everybody, shut the fuck up!

Especially you. Shut the fuck up.

You like Girl Scout cookies? Come here. Come here.

You want cookie? Here's a cookie.

Now back the fuck up like I done told you two dumb-ass mother...

Back up, back up.

Get in the car, Nick! Look at you now.

That's good.

Bye, cowboys!

Nick.

Why the hell you start up with that guy, man?

- You shot me. - I'm sorry.

You shot me. I'm sorry.

You don't say you're sorry when you shoot someone.

You say you're sorry when you step on someone's toe,

or you accidentally break their glasses,

or you fart while they're eating.

You don't say you're sorry when you shoot someone.

Shit.

Oh, my God. It's going numb. It's going numb. It's going numb.

What?

Shit.

Oh, my God!

Nick, that's the most hideous thing I ever seen.

Hey, yo, man, you know, maybe if you wrap your arm in ice,

they can reattach it.

HE LAUGHS >

That's funny, man.

That's a baby gash. Shut up.

But it's a baby gash.

It could've been a lot worse. It could've been a lot worse.

It could've been, but it wasn't. What are you thinking, shooting?

Look, just calm down, all right?

You're gonna upset your wound.

'Ere, do you folks want a lift somewhere?

- Where you from? - London.

Me too! Really?

Yeah! That's terrific.

Hop in me car. Let's go then. Come on. Jump in. Let's go.

Oh, this is great. CHARLIE: Hey, would you scoot over a smidgen?

GRUNTING, LAUGHING

Sorry about that. Cheers, mate.

LAUGHING

Nick Beam.

- Where we headed? - LA.

City of angels.

So where you plan on stayin' tonight?

I'll just sleep in the car. Yeah, right.

You can stay at my place, man.

Thanks. Well, just for the night.

What? Did you think I was asking you to move in?

No, I was just sayin'... Please, Mr Beam. >

- Stay with me forever. - Just shut up.

Mr Beam. Shut up.

Mr Beam, Mr Beam, Mr Beam. You know how to shut up?

Mr Beam. Is it in your vocabulary?

Stay with me forever, Mr Beam. Do you ever shut up?

Will you stay with me forever, Mr Beam?

PANTING

Look here. When you meet my wife,

she don't know nothin' about my sideline gig.

You mean she doesn't know you're a thief?

I'm not a thief, OK?

I just dabble in future used goods.

Well, what does she think you do all day? Look for work, man.

Maybe if you did look for work, you wouldn't have to steal.

CHUCKLES Don't judge me.

SCOFFS

WHISPERS You stepped on my shoe.

I don't usually get in this late.

SIGHS Baby, am I glad to see you.

No, no, no. No, talk to me. Explain this to me now.

I got mugged.

OK, I didn't get mugged.

I got mugged. He got beat up. Thank...

Remember how I was tellin' you I had a job interview?

Baby, that's him. He right there.

That's the player right there.

My name's Nick. Nick Beam. Nice to meet you.

When are you gonna stop gettin' into trouble, Terrance?

Terrance?

"T."

OK? My friends call me "T." You can kiss my ass. Boo!

- OK, Terrance. - Oh, Mama.

Please go on back to bed, Mama.

What kind of man stays out till two in the morning,

then comes back lookin' like a bruised turd?

Mama, I ain't... Don't you talk back.

Don't talk back to your mother.

W-What-What'd I do?

You got that slap cos you with him.

- And I know you're part of whatever badness he's into. - Mama, enough.

You got some explainin' to do in the morning, Mr Gentleman.

Now you think on that. Oof.

WHIMPERING

Why do you keep on spankin' me, Mama?

OK.

Shh.

No, go ahead. Go ahead.

OK. Oh.

Now you come here.

Mama didn't have to smack me three times.

GUNFIRE

We gotta move out of here. I know.

I know.

< I heard gunshots.

Hey, there.

Hey, what you doing up this late, huh?

Huh? What's up? What are you doing up this late?

Oh, honey, we woke you.

Now look, don't worry. Give Daddy a kiss.

Don't worry. I ain't gonna let nothin' happen to y'all.

You know that, right? What happened to your face?

No, I'm cool, little man.

Hey, you do your homework?

Yes, sir. I said, did you do your homework?

Hmm? Hmm? Yes, sir.

- What about you, little miss? Did you do all your homework? - I don't have any homework.

< You don't have no homework?

All right, time to go back to bed. Let's go.

# Hut-two-three-four make a right at the right door

# Make your choice cos you got to grow up to be successful. #

I hope this isn't an inconvenience for you.

Not at all. You seem like a nice man.

Terrance can use a few of those in his life.

Good night. Good night.

Thanks.

Hey. Mm.

Mmm. Mmm.

MOANING PLEASURABLY >

You know, I never noticed before, but you got really nice eyes.

- Shut up! - But you do.

Let's get this over with. I can't believe it.

I'm committing armed robbery for two flashlights. Don't worry about it.

Let's go.

Freeze, mother fucker!

You move your ass so much as an inch, I'll blow it off!

You hear me, mother fucker?

Hey. You hear me? What?

Why you acting so mean? Hey, look, man. Now ain't the time, all right?

- You say scary shit, it scares 'em. - Yeah, but you have a gun.

Plus, what you're doing is a stereotypical robber thing.

I mean, it's a lot scarier if someone with a gun is calm and cool and collected, man.

That's bull, man. Don't...

Excuse me, sir.

Come here.

Come here.

Come here.

Now, look, Henry,

we're gonna take some things outta here,

and you're just gonna stand there.

You got a problem with that?

No.

Good.

Now, honestly, which one did you think was scarier?

Honestly? Mm-hmm.

He was scarier. Hah!

Really? You didn't find what he did contrived?

No. It was scary.

Well, what part?

Well, the, er... "Freeze, mother fucker" part was scary.

And then he led me to believe that if I moved my ass,

it might be blown off.

SIGHS

You were scary too.

Oh, come on, you're just saying that. You don't have to lie.

No, I'm not. I thought you were very scary.

Really? Yeah.

- Well, thank you, Henry. - Yo, check it out.

They're flashlights with AM/FM radio on it.

They all that. You can listen to your music while the light's on, boy.

All right, all right!

Come on. BELL ON DOOR RINGS

Freeze, sucker-bitch!

That was much better.

Thank you, Henry. See ya later now.

What the hell is "sucker-bitch"?

Yeah, come on over here and meet Ginger and Mary Ann.

Ow! God! GRUNTS

Charlie, we gotta go!

Hey, Nick, what floor is it on? Fifteenth.

What fifteenth? Come on.

Why can't we just use the elevator?

Cos there's a guard that patrols the building.

This is bullshit.

Come on, man. It's Saturday night. They're not gonna be there anyway.

Look, I know we're gonna go back Monday and get him. I just wanna check it out.

Take a left here, will you?

You seriously busted up my party. You know that.

Those girls were attracted to you. Christ's sake, they're only human.

- You're a handsome man. We will go back. - I'll hold you to that.

OK. Mm-hmm. What's the matter with you?

LAUGHING You sharp.

OK. Yeah.

PANTING, CLANGING

GRUNTS, PANTING Beat you.

I carried the damn bag. I still beat you.

Beat me at what? Climbing steps?

Guess we'll call you the "step king."

Oh, shit.

No problem. I know the code.

What? Come on. Come on.

Shit!

The asshole must've changed the code.

Step aside. Let me take a look. Let me take a look.

OK, let me look. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

- What are you gonna do? - You got 12 possible stations. You're only using seven.

I'm gonna make the other five stations active, run a test mode...

and force the system into rotation.

What does that mean?

BEEPING

We got five minutes.

Here. Put on your mask.

Is that mask sweaty? I think that's the one I hid behind my balls.

CHUCKLES, GRUNTS

All right.

Yeah, all right. All right, all right.

Ooh, yeah. Let's go. We got three minutes. Let's go.

- Lookin' good. - Yeah.

Put the money in there. Let's go. All right. Let's go.

Here we go. Money. Money.

Let's go. Mask, mask.

Let's go, baby. Let's go, baby. Let's go!

What the hell are you doin'? Nick?

OK, that's real clever, Nicholas(!)

Come on, man.

Aah! This is very nice.

It's very nice. Very nice.

Oh. I don't think I've ever seen a more beautiful piece of shit.

(Nick.)

Very nice. Very nice. Very nice.

Agh!

That's great. That's great. You done cut the dick off a statue.

How's it feel, Phillip?

You had it all, but it wasn't enough for you. You had to mess with me.

WHISPERING: Nobody messes with Nick Beam.

Ooh.

ELEVATOR BELL DINGS

# I feel lucky

# I just feel that way

# I'm on a bus to Atlantic city

# Later on today. #

Your face, man. You showed your face. It doesn't matter.

It does matter. They catch you, they catch me. It damn well matters!

ELEVATOR BELL DINGS

# I'm a winner. #

Hey, man, look at me. Look at me, man. I'm not goin' down for this.

# And now I know

# Why I've been sent... #

Hmm.

RAP MUSIC ON RADIO

# Little rump shaker she can really shake and bake

# She's got skills... # GRUNTS

# Watch her slippin' and a slidin'... # Here!

# Makin' booty left to right

# She's got skills... #

RADIO STOPS

Hmm. The alarm must've been set.

RADIO STATIC HUM

STATIONS RAPIDLY CHANGING

VOLUME INCREASING

MAN ON RADIO: # Addressing the groove I say a drinkin' again

# Just smokin' smack inside the cigarettes and lookin' pale and thin

# It's a shame

# It's a pity in new York city

# Well

# Well

# Well, well, well, well, well

# Something has changed

# The way these people think... #

SLOW MUSIC

# Hey there, lonely girl

# Lonely girl

# Let me make your broken heart like new

# Hey there, lonely... #

MUSIC OFF

White people!

HE LAUGHS

Our dates.

T AND NICK LAUGH

Oh!

Oh. Ohh.

Oh-ho-ho. Look at this, man!

Mama-say, mama-sa, makusa! Oh, smack me two times!

Calm down.

My son is going to the best schools.

My daughter, she ain't even gonna know what a food stamp is.

My wife, we goin' out all the time.

All the time!

What's wrong with you, man?

Nothing.

You sweatin' that bullshit, ain't you? You did what you had to do to that guy, man.

Don't worry about it, all right? Put that behind you. Where you goin'?

Where you goin'? Where you goin'?

I'm just gonna... I'm just gonna take a walk.

All right. Well, hurry back.

I got willpower, but I don't know how much.

You know what I'm sayin'? Yeah.

# There is somethin'

# On your mind

# By the way you look at me

# There is somethin'

# On your mind, honey. #

Did you ever do somethin' that you thought would make you feel great,

in a weird way, you almost feel worse?

Revenge, huh? Some things hurt no matter what.

That must be a fact of life.

# And what you're thinkin'... #

DANIELLE: Hi!

Hi!

Nick.

I can't believe it. What are you doin' here?

Danielle. Oops.

I don't know what I'm doin' here.

What are you doin' here? Sheila, my best friend... Well, she used to be my best friend.

I guess, technically, Marcy would be my best friend.

I mean, they both think they're my best friend, which is OK by me.

But once I did have this nightmare where Sheila and Marcy are sitting next to each other,

and this Eskimo guy comes over and says, "Pick."

I thought I was gonna die. I mean, an Eskimo guy. What is that all about?

Anyway, Sheila's visiting and she's staying here.

So I thought I'd take her to a party and show her a good time.

And she meets this guy and goes home with him instead. And, oh, well.

You really look good.

You look... you look good too.

Thank you. Do you want... a drink?

Uh-huh. Yeah. Sure.

You know, I'm such a klutz.

I spilled beer all over my dress earlier.

And, well, I think it's stained. Did it stain, Nick?

I have Sheila's room key. You wanna come up?

# Let's get hot

# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

# And the vibes is right

# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

# Oh, what a night

# Oh, what a night

# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

# And the feeling's right

# Oh, yes, it's ladies' night

# Oh, what a night!

# Oh, what a night! #

ELEVATOR BELL DINGS

MUTTERING

KNOCKING Nick, Nick, use your key, man.

KNOCKING CONTINUES

All right. All right, Nick. Damn!

Hey, Nick, why didn't you just use your key? Turn your bed down?

HE LAUGHS >

Stay.

HIP HOP

# The lady is lookin' good

# Just like the lady should

# Just like the lady should... #

I've been thinking about this for so long. I want you so bad.

I just wanted to make her happy.

This is gonna be a night that you won't forget.

I try to forget, but I can't.

Give it to me, Nick.

Give! That's all I did, was give.

MUFFLED MOANING

CRYING

Nick? Nick, you're really putting a damper on the mood here.

I'm sorry. I'm...

Danielle, I can't. I just can't.

# I just wanna make you mine

# We'll be together till the end of time... #

Hey, Kareem. Are you aware that Charlie and I...

had intended to come up here and cap your punk ass?

And your girlfriend Nick.

But, shit, you two muffins did such an outstanding job with this financing...

who could think about killing at a time like this?

Thanks. Your approval means a lot.

- Did I tell you to speak? Did I tell you to speak? - Charlie...no.

That's gonna be too loud.

(Too loud.)

DIAL TONE

PHONE RINGS Hello?

'Hello?' Hi.

Oh, my God! Nick, is that you? Are you OK?

I'm fine.

Oh, thank God! I didn't know if, if you...

'I thought that... You're not hurt?'

No. 'Oh, thank God! Where are you?'

Look, Ann, let's not make this harder than it has to be.

I saw you.

What? 'I saw you.'

- I know. - Saw me what? What are you talking about?

Come on. Do you have to do this? You and Phillip.

- What about him? - You're denying it. She's denying it.

I don't believe this. Friday afternoon. Remember?

Well, guess what. I came home early. I saw you, Ann.

'I was there.' Oh.

Oh, no.

Yeah. Oh, no.

Nick, I was still at work Friday afternoon.

'At work? Well, your clone was at home screwing my boss.'

Nick, it was my sister. Remember, I told you...

she was coming next Friday with her fiance?

Well, I made a mistake. It was this Friday. They called from the airport.

I told them about the key in the planter. I called, but you'd already left the office,

'so I left you a message on the machine at home.'

What about...what about the cuff links? Phillip's cuff links were on the sink.

Honey, they've been in the dresser since the Christmas party.

I left them on the counter so you'd finally remember to bring them to him.

So you're not having an affair?

No, you dick!

You still love me?

More than anything in the world.

You...wouldn't believe what I've been through.

You're gonna laugh, but I actually...

Shit.

- What's the matter? What's wrong? - Shit!

'What's the matter? What?' Shit!

SHIT! SHIT!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Going down.

Don't touch it. Oh, man.

Oh, man.

I think I can open the door and catch the sheet.

Don't touch the sheet, please. Don't... No, no.

- No, don't move. Don't move. - Oh, shit. Oh, shit. I done moved the hand.

I really don't think you should be moving right now. I think you're moving.

Call the paramedics. Listen to me. All right.

Get them here as fast as you can!

Have them meet me with a gurney.

Wait. Let me practise. Let you practise?

I'm hangin' on a fucking ledge, man.

I don't wanna die like this, Nick. All right.

I wasn't tryin' to stick you up, man!

First, I'm gonna say "one." Then I'm gonna say "two," then "three." Then I'm gonna...

do it. I can't hear you.

I'm gonna start with one and count to three! OK.

Ready? One...

Right. ..two...

I can't hear you! You gotta be louder, Nick! I said, "two"!

Are you on "two" already? Start from "one"! I'll start again.

One...

Right. ..two...

- I got you. - ..three!

Nick!

I got it! I got it!

Ha!

Way to go, boy! You my...

HE SCREAMS

The elevator! The money!

WHISTLES

Remind me to kick your ass later.

TYRES SCREECH

CHARLIE: We're rich, man!

We are in the bigs. Charlie, smell that.

Oh, yes! You, too, can be a millionaire!

Hookers!

Charlie, smell this.

More hookers! Aaah!

Hookers! We hit the mother lode, man!

BANGING What the fuck is that?

- OK. What now? - I don't know.

- What do you mean? I thought you had a plan. - That was my plan - to ram them.

Ram them.

Speed up!

Shoot the mother fucker! Shoot him! I got him! I got him!

Aaah!

Man, I'm tired of this shit. Let's go!

Charlie! Look out, Charlie!

I'm actually grabbing a gun and going after bad guys.

You the man.

All right.

You see 'em? No.

I'll, uh... I'll let you know.

Please do.

Nick.

What?

HE LAUGHS

You checkin' this out, man?

Hey, Nick, I like you like this,

you and your prom date both having weapons. >

That way I don't have to kill an unarmed couple. It's not my style.

Put down the bag.

CHARLIE LAUGHS

Paul Bunyan, come and take the bag.

- Let me... - You're an idiot! Shut up!

Shoot 'em. NICK: No, you're an idiot!

Who are you? Crime dog now? Are you aware there's only two kind of people on the planet?

There are killers, and then there's everybody else.

I'm a killer, Nick. Yes, yes, yes, yes. What are you, Nick?

I'm married.

Oh, you son of a...

Oh, shit, man!

What are you, fuckin' out of your mind?

What, are you crazy?

Huh? Who's in control now?

Hand over the bag,

or else my man Nick Beam here gonna put one in your ass.

Ain't that right, Nick?

SQUEAKING

RIG: I'll roll over. CHARLIE: OK, I see it. I see it.

Let me try to get around and get you.

RIG: No, it's not...

Charlie, it's the police. Oh, yes!

Thank God you're here. Oh, this nightmare's over.

What the fuck are you doin'? > < Put the gun down!

Put that gun down, you stupid pig! >

BOTH SHOUT: Come on, man!

It's them.

Well, some folks in Arizona are gonna be mighty happy to see you boys.

SHOUTING CONTINUES

Officer! Officer, two other guys...

"I'm married." Ka-blam!

You're too much. Is the money all there?

- Looks like it. - Great. We have just enough time to get it back.

Excuse me?

We have to put the money back.

< LAUGHING No, no.

Maybe you're a little bit confused about the purpose of a robbery.

Oh, T, I didn't tell you. When we were at the hotel, I called my wife.

Everything's all right. You see, it wasn't her.

She wasn't even there. Isn't that great? >

It was her sister and her sister's fiance.

I don't give a damn if it was her Uncle Fester and Gumby.

You ain't takin' this money anywhere, man.

< I don't wanna hear all that.

Let go. Let go. Gimme the bag. You let go.

- Let go of the bag. - It's not your money.

- It's not your money. - It's not your money!

- It's not yours. It's half mine. - Let go!

Let go! Let go! You let go!

Get back here!

You OK? Yeah, I'm OK. And you?

I'll live.

Can't let you take the money, Nick.

T, my life is in that bag.

Nick, even if you wanted to take the money back, you can't.

Your face is on the video, man.

They only review the tapes if something's missing.

I can go into work early and bring it back. No-one'll know.

T...

..I can get my life back.

You forget one thing, Nick. I get my life back too.

# Money don't make my world go round

# I'm reaching out for the higher ground

# To a warm and peaceful place

# I can rest my weary face

# Life's answers we try to find

# Oh, we try to find Yes, we try to find

# Battling inside our minds

# Where do I go from here

# Will all my friends be there

# Cos we're living we're living

# In a crazy maze

# And we're fighting we're fighting

# To rise above the haze

# Lights at the end of the tunnel

# Sometimes the journey's long

# There are many theories

# Who's right and who's wrong

# Pressure's on I have to choose

# I've got nothing to lose

# I close my eyes I take a chance

# I, I now dance a different dance

# What's the key to a happy life

# Tell me now, now, now

# Healthy mind and lots of spice

# Running barefoot through the trees. #

Oh, my God!

Ow. Ouch.

What happened to you?

It's a long story.

I got shot. What?

And I-I think I'm wanted in Arizona.

Plus, my shoes caught on fire.

You told me you were selling me the top of the line. The top of the line is digital.

Did you sell me a digital? No, you did not.

So, I'm bringing it back, and I expect a full refund.

If you do not give me a refund, you will not be doing business with myself or my company. Thank you.

Hmm. So...

did you hear?

What? Some, er, vandals broke in over the weekend.

- What? - Well, nothing was stolen.

They cut the...the...thingy...

off PB's statue.

Um, they're reviewing the videotape.

Hi, everybody. How's it going? Not now, Nick.

- Did anybody see that game last night? Hoo. - What game?

- Oh, that game. Overtime. - Will you please shut up!

Don't touch it. Don't touch it. Oh, you pig. Oh, you pig.

NICK SCREAMING ON TAPE

SMASHING STATUE ON TAPE Oooh! Oh.

Well, that's it. What's done is done. Listen...

I've got this great idea for the new Mcginty Cracker mascot. Move, move! Thank you.

This... Nick, shut up!

PHILLIP: What's happening?

T LAUGHING ON TAPE Well, what is this?

What the hell is this?

GUARD: I don't know.

T LAUGHING ON TAPE Somebody must've recorded over the tape.

- Who had access? - Uh...there was an electrician in here this morning.

What electrician? I did not order an electrician!

I did. The flickers on the... Fluorescent lights were flickering.

- I'm really sorry, sir. - This is terrible, Phil.

I would really like to be alone now. You should go.

You should go. You too. I would like to be extremely alone for a minute.

I'm gonna leave you alone. Thank you very much. Thank you, Nick.

T SHOUTING ON TAPE

All right now. Cut that out. Y'all wanna eat?

Yes. All right.

Don't burn the meat. I don't never burn the meat.

Uh-huh. What happened the last time? Hey, Dad don't burn the meat.

I'm gonna put some... > Joey. Tonya.

Go see your mama, boy. You know.

Now this is my very special mustard.

Don't let nobody touch that. OK, Mama.

Yeah.

So, how's the electrician business?

Hey.

Not bad. The hours are a bitch.

I wanna thank you.

I don't know why... I just wanna say I appreciate what you did.

Well, don't mention it. How's that? How did you know where I was anyway?

A friend gave me a tip.

A friend, huh?

You hungry? < Yes, we would love for you to join us.

Wouldn't we, Mama?

I talked to my boss today after things settled down.

Convinced him we need a new security system. Got any ideas?

Sure. I can help you pick one out.

You wanna run it? We need someone trustworthy.

I told him I know just the guy.

Well, I'm gonna have to think about this, Nick.

Right now, I'm weighing out several lucrative offers. They rollin' in.

A lot of people want me to work for them right now. >

Now, that's just the way I like it.

All I need now is some of Mama's special mustard.

Stop.

NICK: What'd I do?

MAMA SHOUTS

Run, run! Stay down, Nick. Get on outta here.

MAMA: I'll beat you into the...

# See you when you get there

# Now I seen places and faces of things you ain't never thought about thinkin'

# If you ain't peeked then you must be drinkin' and smokin'

# Pretendin' that you're locin' but you're broken let me get you open

# Now, little Timmy got his diploma and little Jimmy got life

# And Tamica around the corner just took her first hit off the pipe

# The other homey shot the other homey and ran off with his money

# And when the other homeys heard about it, they thought that it was funny

# But who's the dummy cos now you done lost a hustler

# A down-ass brother done replaced by a bustler

# And though I got love for ya I know I can't trust ya

# Cos my crew is rollin' numbers and your crew is rollin' dusters

# And just because of that you act like you don't like a brother no more

# The wide and crooked Or the straight and narrow