Scary Movie 3


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Scary Movie 3

Spoof horror sequel. A reporter investigating a killer videotape discovers a connection with crop circles on a farm owned by an ex-minister. Pamela Anderson and Charlie Sheen star.


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Transcript


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THIS FILM CONTAINS SOME STRONG LANGUAGE.

0:00:020:00:08

THUNDERCLAP

0:00:080:00:10

I hate television. Gives me headaches.

0:00:150:00:18

There's so many magnetic waves travelling in the airspace

0:00:180:00:21

because of television.

0:00:210:00:23

-We're losing 10 times as many brain cells as we're supposed to.

-Please!

0:00:230:00:30

The cow says blank, three letters.

0:00:300:00:33

Dude.

0:00:330:00:35

Dude. I dunno. Magnetic waves, brain cells.

0:00:350:00:39

I don't understand the connection between all that stuff.

0:00:390:00:42

You know what else I heard? Magnetic waves shrink silicon molecules.

0:00:420:00:48

-BOTH: Aaaarrrrgh!

-Oh, turn it off!

-It's not working!

0:00:490:00:53

-It's backwards!

-What do I do?

-I don't know.

-BOTH SCREAM

0:00:530:00:58

-That was scary.

-I know something even scarier.

-What?

0:00:580:01:02

-Have you heard about this video tape?

-Where they do it on the boat,

0:01:020:01:06

the car and the bathtub? He's like, "I love you."

0:01:060:01:10

-She's like, "Where are we?" Did...

-Not that tape!

0:01:100:01:14

The one with the scary images. After you watch it,

0:01:140:01:17

-the phone rings and this scary voice says you'll die in...

-Seven days.

0:01:170:01:22

-I saw it with Josh last weekend.

-You were with Josh last weekend?

0:01:230:01:26

Oh, my God!

0:01:260:01:28

Oh, yes, I was!

0:01:290:01:31

-Oh, you ho!

-Ow!

0:01:320:01:36

You know it!

0:01:360:01:39

Argh! PHONE RINGS

0:01:400:01:42

SNAP! Oh!

0:01:470:01:48

-This is really weird.

-Yeah.

0:01:520:01:54

A big house, only one phone.

0:01:540:01:57

Hello?

0:02:010:02:03

Hello.

0:02:090:02:11

"I'm coming for you, my precious."

0:02:110:02:15

-Hi, Mom.

-"Hi, precious. Having fun?"

0:02:150:02:18

Ask her which bathroom has the vibrating shower head.

0:02:180:02:21

THUNDERCLAP, SIZZLING

0:02:210:02:23

Mom? Hello?

0:02:240:02:26

CREAKS

0:02:270:02:29

DING! GASPS

0:02:470:02:48

-SQUAWKS

-Aargh!

0:02:480:02:50

THUNDERCLAP

0:02:580:03:00

Katie?

0:03:150:03:17

Katie.

0:03:180:03:20

Katie?

0:03:250:03:27

Are you OK?

0:03:350:03:37

Are you OK?

0:03:390:03:41

Aaaaarrrrrrrgh!!

0:03:440:03:47

-Aaaarrrrrrgh!!

-CLUNK!

0:04:050:04:07

-Aaaaarrrrgh!!

-CLUNK!

0:04:100:04:12

God!

0:04:140:04:15

TRICKLING

0:04:150:04:17

-Aaarrrrgh!

-TRICKLING STOPS

0:04:170:04:20

-TRICKLING CONTINUES

-Aaaaaarrrrrgh!

0:04:220:04:24

TRICKLING STOPS

0:04:240:04:25

-Aargh!

-TRICKLING STARTS

0:04:250:04:27

-TRICKLING STARTS AND STOPS

-Aaargh!

-Ow!

0:04:290:04:31

-Tom, did you hear...

-Ssh!

0:04:460:04:48

-DOGS BARK

-The dogs are acting strange.

0:04:480:04:52

Aaaarrrrrgh!!

0:04:570:04:59

Ooh! Ooh!

0:05:050:05:07

-Aaaarrgh!

-Sue, what are you doing out here? We were worried sick.

0:05:090:05:16

What's wrong?

0:05:160:05:18

I wonder what they're trying to tell us?

0:05:270:05:31

"And now, Washington DC's leading morning news programme,

0:05:370:05:41

"the Morning News."

0:05:410:05:43

Good morning. For our top story we turn now to Cindy Campbell.

0:05:430:05:48

Thank you. There's a developing story in Middleburg at this hour.

0:05:480:05:52

A mysterious crop circle appeared in local farmer Tom Logan's cornfield.

0:05:520:05:57

An elaborate prank or extraterrestrial phenomenon?

0:05:570:05:59

We'll update you as soon as we have any further information.

0:05:590:06:03

Either way, something strange is happening in that small town. Ross?

0:06:030:06:08

I'm sorry, I wasn't listening. Coming up. More news after this.

0:06:080:06:13

-Got a second?

-Sure.

-Look at this for that strip club expose.

0:06:140:06:19

I'd rather stick with the crop circle story.

0:06:190:06:22

C'mon. Those things are just a hoax.

0:06:220:06:24

I sense something about that corn field.

0:06:240:06:27

Call it women's intuition, or ESP, or both,

0:06:270:06:30

-but I can tell when danger's near... Ow!

-Ow!

0:06:300:06:35

-My eye!

-Cindy, it's sweeps month. Ratings mean everything.

0:06:350:06:39

People want human interest stories, like the one you did yesterday.

0:06:390:06:43

On breast augmentation? It was just ten minutes of topless women.

0:06:430:06:47

I mean, come on! ALL: Wow!

0:06:470:06:50

Why are they so interesting? Oh, for God sake.

0:06:500:06:54

People don't care about this.

0:06:540:06:55

-They want hard-hitting stories and in-depth coverage and...

-And twins!

0:06:550:07:00

LOUD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS

0:07:000:07:02

Think it was the Creezel boys who cut that stuff outta your corn?

0:07:170:07:23

My crops are gone. The bank's gonna foreclose if I can't pay the rent.

0:07:230:07:28

I got 60 days to come up with a dollar fifty.

0:07:280:07:32

-I'm sorry. The last thing you needed was...

-BLOWS

0:07:320:07:36

..hardship in your life, especially after what happened to you...

0:07:360:07:40

-Sheriff, I don't need your sympathy.

-I didn't mean to upset you, Father.

0:07:400:07:45

Please, I'm not a minister any more. I lost my faith that terrible night.

0:07:450:07:51

Your faith will return just as sure as the sun will rise.

0:07:510:07:56

Sounds like a long shot.

0:07:560:07:58

There's always an explanation for this so-called phenomena.

0:07:580:08:02

Maybe you're right. It was probably just the Creezels.

0:08:020:08:06

When I get through with them,

0:08:060:08:09

you won't be seeing anything strange on this farm for a long time.

0:08:090:08:14

Are you all right, Tom? Get some rest.

0:08:140:08:17

George? HE HUMS

0:08:250:08:27

George! CONTINUES HUMMING

0:08:290:08:31

I need you back here tomorrow night after you pick up Sue.

0:08:310:08:36

-That tractor needs fixing.

-Can't help.

0:08:360:08:38

-I gotta get ready for my show.

-Not that hip-hop stuff again?

0:08:380:08:43

-Do something with your life.

-I got a dream.

-What is it?

0:08:430:08:47

-To have a dream.

-All you've done is chased adolescent fantasies.

0:08:470:08:51

I wanna be an astronaut, a cowboy, gynaecologist to the stars,

0:08:510:08:55

-and now this hip-hop thing.

-This hip-hop thing's gonna get me paid.

0:08:550:09:01

-I'll win that rap battle tomorrow night.

-Rap battle?

0:09:010:09:04

-For God sakes!

-You just hate me cos I'm black.

0:09:040:09:08

You don't have faith in me.

0:09:080:09:10

You don't have faith in anything any more,

0:09:100:09:13

so why don't you worry about you and I'll worry... Aargh! Argh!

0:09:130:09:17

-Cody.

-You're late again, Aunt Cindy.

0:09:320:09:36

-I'm sorry. I was stuck in traffic.

-Cindy!

-Brenda, hi.

0:09:370:09:41

Oh, it's great to see you.

0:09:410:09:44

-Oh, it's been so long.

-Too long. I've been working so hard.

0:09:440:09:49

I've had to spend more time at the station. The news keeps coming in.

0:09:490:09:53

-What was the assignment?

-Draw your family and friends.

-Oh.

0:09:530:09:58

-So, anyone new in your life?

-I just haven't found the right guy.

0:09:580:10:04

-I'm looking for something more than just good sex.

-You want commitment.

0:10:040:10:08

-No. I want great sex.

-That's what I'm taking about.

0:10:080:10:12

You want a guy who's like, bam, bam, bam! You know what I'm saying?

0:10:120:10:17

Did I say stop drawing?!

0:10:170:10:20

Look, when I meet Mr Right I'll know.

0:10:200:10:24

-Uncle George!

-Hey, sweetie. Come here. How are ya?

0:10:240:10:28

Go get your stuff, OK?

0:10:300:10:32

I know you. You're Tom Logan's brother.

0:10:320:10:36

-And you're that reporter, Cindy Campbell.

-Yeah.

0:10:360:10:38

-You did the story on our cop cycles.

-Crop circles.

-Right.

0:10:380:10:44

-So, you're here to pick up your...

-Nephew. Cody.

0:10:440:10:49

-You don't dress like a farmer.

-My brother's the farmer, I'm the rapper.

0:10:490:10:53

-Hmph!

-For real. Here's the 611 on that.

0:10:530:10:56

-That's phone repair. You mean 411.

-Right. So,

0:10:560:11:00

-I'll be doing the rap battle at the 23 Club tomorrow night.

-Ohh!

0:11:000:11:05

-I don't believe this shit.

-Word. You should come down.

0:11:050:11:09

I'll be rappin', I'll be cappin', I'll be tappin', I'll be flappin'.

0:11:090:11:13

I'll be happin...ning, ding, bing, wing. Yo.

0:11:130:11:16

-Sounds good.

-Would, could, should, hood.

-Ugh!

0:11:160:11:19

-Good, moog, doog, boog.

-If we say we'll come, will you shut up?

-OK.

0:11:190:11:25

-Fresh. I'll see you guys tomorrow night.

-OK. Bye.

-Peace out.

0:11:260:11:32

Now who the fuck did that?!

0:11:350:11:38

What is it? Are you having one of your visions?

0:11:420:11:46

There's a girl with black hair. She wants to kill you.

0:11:460:11:51

-Your period starts in three, two, one.

-Ow! What else?

0:11:510:11:56

-What else do you see?

-I see a little boy and a grown woman but no father.

0:11:560:12:02

-Oh, Cody.

-I see you kneeling in dog shit.

-What? Euw!

0:12:020:12:07

Oh, for God sake. Don't you understand?

0:12:070:12:10

As long as we have each other, that's all we need.

0:12:100:12:14

I know things have been tough since your mom died.

0:12:140:12:18

I've been SO selfish. Always putting my career first.

0:12:180:12:21

From now on, I'll be thinking about you...

0:12:210:12:24

Damn! TYRES SCREECH

0:12:250:12:27

Wait, Cindy! Wait!

0:12:270:12:29

Aaaarrrrgh!!

0:12:300:12:32

Honey, I'm gonna be leaving soon, so...

0:12:440:12:48

-Do you know who she is?

-No. But sometimes she talks to me.

0:13:000:13:06

She's coming tonight.

0:13:060:13:08

LOUD KNOCK AT DOOR

0:13:090:13:11

-Oh, Father Muldoon.

-Cindy.

-I'm so grateful you could come.

0:13:210:13:24

-Oh.

-I've called all over for baby-sitters.

0:13:240:13:28

I don't mind filling in now and then. Where's little Cody?

0:13:280:13:32

DOOR SLAMS He must be in his room playing.

0:13:320:13:37

I left a number where I can be reached.

0:13:370:13:40

Also, he has a rash on his behind. Make sure he takes a bath.

0:13:400:13:45

Thank you, Father. Good night.

0:13:450:13:48

Cody.

0:13:500:13:52

LOUD RAP MUSIC PLAYS

0:13:520:13:54

Hey, before we get on with the battles,

0:14:050:14:08

I know you'll wanna bust a cap in the air for your favourite rapper,

0:14:080:14:13

-but, please, hold onto your gunfire until the end of the show.

-ALL BOO

0:14:130:14:19

Let's put the safety on.

0:14:190:14:21

-It's on the left side of the gun above the trigger.

-GUNSHOT

0:14:210:14:26

-Oops.

-Would somebody get his ass outta here? DJ, spin this shit!

0:14:260:14:32

WILD CHEERING

0:14:390:14:41

-Whoa! My bad.

-Mother...

0:14:510:14:54

Is something wrong? You look scared.

0:14:580:15:00

All that stuff you were saying on TV,

0:15:000:15:03

I got a weird feelin' something bad is headin' my way,

0:15:030:15:08

like when you see an Asian person driving. After the show,

0:15:080:15:12

come back to my crib and hang out with me? I don't wanna be alone.

0:15:120:15:16

-Of course I will.

-I love you. Pay my way, OK?

0:15:160:15:21

Yo, George. What's up? The man with the tightest rap on the streets.

0:15:230:15:28

It's good, baby.

0:15:280:15:30

Finally, the white man's gonna school the black man on how to rap.

0:15:300:15:35

-Yeah.

-Yeah, I guess. How many people here, you think?

-I dunno.

0:15:350:15:40

100, 200, whitey-hatin', chrome-packing, ready to bust a cap

0:15:400:15:44

-in any white boy's ass who ain't bringin' that shit!

-At least.

0:15:440:15:48

-What's wrong?

-Ever wonder when it's time to stop livin' up here and

0:15:480:15:53

-start livin' down here?

-Stop livin' over here and move over there.

0:15:530:15:58

-My aunt used to live over there, but she got evicted.

-What for?

0:15:580:16:02

-Mice.

-Didn't she have rats?

-Outside.

-If a mouse goes out,

0:16:020:16:06

does it become a rat? If a rat's in the house, is it a mouse?

0:16:060:16:10

-I see no mouse outside.

-It's a rat, fool!

0:16:100:16:15

-You might've just made a fact. That's some real shit.

-Fellas!

0:16:150:16:19

-What are you talkin' about?

-You need some? I'll do anything for you.

0:16:190:16:24

-Anything.

-About those chrome- packin', whitey-hatin' gangsters,

0:16:240:16:28

-perhaps...

-What he needs is a height man.

-Yeah!

0:16:280:16:32

-Yeah! C'mon.

-You could be his spliff star!

-That's me. That's what I do.

0:16:320:16:38

-That's what I do.

-CLUNK!

0:16:380:16:40

If you're a height man, you take them hits. Let's get out there.

0:16:400:16:45

# Heads or tail, babe, what's it gonna be?

0:16:450:16:47

# You cannot escape your fate in the streets

0:16:470:16:49

# I count cash, you count sheep

0:16:490:16:52

# Better not sleep with the beast, capishe? # CHEERING

0:16:520:16:56

All right. That was hot. That's what I'm talking about.

0:16:560:17:00

Right? Right? Yo, what do we think?

0:17:000:17:04

I thought you were both absolutely dreadful. Ghastly.

0:17:050:17:09

-What?

-I don't know what I'm doing here. This club is totally pathetic.

0:17:090:17:14

WILD CHEERING

0:17:210:17:23

Are you ready, George? It's show-time.

0:17:250:17:28

I wanna let you know that no matter what goes on on that stage tonight,

0:17:280:17:33

-you'll always be in my heart.

-That's love.

-I love you.

0:17:330:17:39

-I love you, man.

-Come here, y'all.

-Can you feel my love on your hip?

0:17:410:17:48

I can't get around.

0:17:480:17:50

You go out there and rip it tonight. You do your thing tonight.

0:17:500:17:55

We love each other. Let's do it, baby.

0:17:550:17:59

Are you ready for the next battle? To my left

0:17:590:18:05

we have the reigning champion, hailing from Fort Apache.

0:18:050:18:09

-Some of you call him Jealous One, some of you call him...

-Brrrr...!

0:18:110:18:16

-Some of you call him Joey Crack.

-Stick 'em up.

0:18:160:18:20

-But tonight let's give it up for Fat Joe.

-WILD CHEERING

0:18:200:18:24

-I gotta go against him?

-Give it up!

0:18:240:18:28

You think they're here to see Fat Joe?

0:18:280:18:31

-ALL CHANT: Joe!

-They're saying, "Go, go, go!"

0:18:310:18:35

Now my challenger, whoo,

0:18:350:18:37

kid's a farmer rapper, so you know he been kickin' the shit all day!

0:18:370:18:43

Let's give it up for my man, George.

0:18:430:18:47

That's right. OK, Joey, you the reigning champion,

0:18:500:18:54

so you get to spit first. Yo, DJ, spin that shit!

0:18:540:18:59

This guy can't be serious!

0:18:590:19:01

# Standing Mini Me, aka, I hope he ain't the one you fight with

0:19:010:19:05

# This man's corny and ain't got no skills

0:19:050:19:08

-# Cos he's a white...

-But he's not real!

0:19:080:19:11

# I don't wanna hurt your feelings but you'll never get a deal

0:19:110:19:14

# Cos he's a white but he's not real

0:19:140:19:16

# You're a needle in a haystack, I'm a city slicker

0:19:160:19:18

# Forget cows and milk your mom titties, nigger CROWD CHEERS

0:19:180:19:22

# Bet he ends up havin' kids with his cousin...

0:19:220:19:27

# He'll be like, der, der, der, that means Fat Joe's the man

0:19:270:19:32

# You're the liar, in denial, kill your ass quicker than our empire

0:19:320:19:36

# How dare you wanna joust with me

0:19:360:19:38

# Lookin' like you got mad cow's disease

0:19:380:19:40

# You fake, out to battle me

0:19:400:19:43

# Eight miles down the road, the form's thatta way! # CHEERING

0:19:430:19:49

That was hot. Everybody, give it up for my man! George!

0:19:530:19:59

-WILD CHEERING

-DJ, spin this shit!

0:19:590:20:03

Bitch!

0:20:080:20:10

Ho!

0:20:110:20:13

# Now everybody in the 202

0:20:230:20:25

# Throw your hands in the air cos Fat Joe is through

0:20:250:20:29

# Everybody in the 202 throw 'em up! Check it out!

0:20:290:20:33

# I'm a white boy but my neck is red

0:20:330:20:36

# I put Miracle Whip on my Wonder Bread

0:20:360:20:39

# My face is pale, I never been in jail

0:20:390:20:42

# Me and Buffy spend every winter in Vail

0:20:420:20:43

# How many bitches have I slapped? Zero! And Martha Stewart's my hero!

0:20:430:20:48

# I grew up on a farm and was born with no rhythm

0:20:480:20:51

# Dr Phil's my uncle and I like to hang with him

0:20:510:20:55

# I can't dance, wear khaki pants, my middle name's Lance

0:20:550:20:58

# My grandma's from France, so maybe I'm wack cos my skin ain't black

0:20:580:21:00

# But you can't talk smack cos whitey just struck back! #

0:21:000:21:03

Aaaaaarrrgh!

0:21:080:21:10

Give it up for George!

0:21:120:21:16

Oh, shit! Oh!

0:21:180:21:20

George, George, the hood. Lose the hood.

0:21:240:21:27

-I know. We're in the hood now.

-No.

-He's dead.

0:21:270:21:31

-You guys feelin' me in the hood?

-CROWD BOOS

0:21:310:21:36

Whoa!

0:21:360:21:38

That's it, I'm done!

0:21:410:21:43

-You can't give up rap just like that.

-Rap schmap!

0:21:430:21:47

You still got it, see?

0:21:470:21:49

Thanks for coming over tonight. I'm going through a rough time.

0:21:500:21:55

Brenda, you wanna tell me what's really bothering you?

0:21:550:22:00

Well, there's something I need to... I saw a tape.

0:22:010:22:05

I think you should know about it. It had these really shocking images.

0:22:050:22:11

Brenda, it was mardi gras. I've never drunk vodka before

0:22:110:22:15

-and I was out of beads.

-No, not that tape.

0:22:150:22:19

I guess it's just an urban legend. You watch it,

0:22:190:22:22

and once it's over you're phone rings and a creepy voice says,

0:22:220:22:27

"You're gonna die in seven days." And seven days later...

0:22:270:22:32

-When did you watch it?

-A week ago. A week ago tonight.

-Brenda.

0:22:320:22:38

-Oh, my God! Argh!

-Brenda!

0:22:430:22:46

Brenda! Oh, my God!

0:22:480:22:50

LAUGHS Oh! Oh, my God! You bitch!

0:22:530:22:56

You shoulda seen the look on your face!

0:22:580:23:01

You've got me!

0:23:020:23:04

Brenda?

0:23:060:23:08

Oh, my God! Brenda?!

0:23:090:23:11

-I can't believe you fell for that fake seizure!

-It seemed so real!

0:23:190:23:25

-It did, didn't it?

-And you pee'd!

-I really sold that shit!

0:23:250:23:30

I love the look on your face when you're scared. You're too easy.

0:23:300:23:35

-Aargh!

-Aargh!

0:23:350:23:37

I got you with the old fake hand.

0:23:420:23:46

-Girl, you were scared.

-I know!

0:23:470:23:50

-C'mon, I was just kiddin'.

-You've taken it too far.

0:23:500:23:54

I'm gonna go get the rest of the popcorn.

0:23:540:23:58

-Cindy?

-Forget it. I'm not falling for it again.

0:24:020:24:06

Oh, come on! Cindy, the news is on!

0:24:230:24:27

Another little white girl fell down the well.

0:24:270:24:30

50 black people get their ass beat by police,

0:24:300:24:33

but the world stops for one whitey down a hole.

0:24:330:24:36

Cindy!

0:24:410:24:43

The TV's leaking.

0:24:440:24:46

Cindy.

0:24:470:24:49

Cindy, something's wrong here.

0:24:490:24:51

Cindy, this bitch is messin' up my floor!

0:25:070:25:11

-Cindy! Help me!

-I'm not listening.

0:25:140:25:17

Get up, you ugly bitch. C'mon! Let me see what you got! That's all?

0:25:190:25:27

Ooh! Yeah!

0:25:290:25:32

Argh!

0:25:440:25:46

-Cindy! Please, help me! Cindy!

-PHONE RINGS

0:25:460:25:49

OK, hang on a second.

0:25:500:25:53

-Hello?

-"Father Muldoon here. We're getting along famously."

0:25:530:25:56

Thanks again, Father. Bye-bye.

0:25:560:25:59

Brenda? Brenda?

0:25:590:26:01

Brenda?

0:26:050:26:07

Aaaargh!

0:26:120:26:15

Oh, my God. Yes, of course I'll tell her. Thank you.

0:26:180:26:23

Sue's teacher, Brenda, she's...she's dead.

0:26:250:26:29

-Oh. I better tell her.

-No, no. I can do it.

0:26:290:26:33

-Sue?

-Yes.

0:26:390:26:41

-You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?

-Yes.

-She's dead!

0:26:420:26:46

-Aaargh!

-Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death!

0:26:460:26:51

-Gone, gone, just like your dog!

-My dog's dead?

0:26:510:26:55

I ran him over with the car when I drove in!

0:26:550:26:59

-Everyone you love around you is dying!

-Aargh!

-Aaargh!

0:26:590:27:03

-Hello, Father.

-Don't call me Father. I haven't been a clergyman since...

0:27:100:27:16

I'm sorry about that night.

0:27:180:27:21

If I hadn't fallen asleep, while driving, for that exact 20 minutes,

0:27:210:27:26

if I hadn't drunk that exact whole bottle of Yeigermeister,

0:27:260:27:29

-if only I hadn't killed...

-Simon. Simon.

0:27:290:27:32

-I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.

-Sorry.

0:27:320:27:38

Those were other nights. But if it had been THAT night,

0:27:380:27:42

I might've missed her... that terrible night.

0:27:420:27:45

# "MEXICAN HAT DANCE"

0:27:460:27:48

Hey!

0:27:510:27:53

-It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.

-Annie?

0:28:050:28:08

-She was hit by a truck and pinned against a tree.

-I don't understand.

0:28:080:28:12

-As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.

-I don't get it.

0:28:120:28:18

This is your wife.

0:28:220:28:24

She broke her weiner?

0:28:260:28:28

Look what happens to the taco.

0:28:300:28:33

I don't understand all this fancy medical lingo. I wanna see Annie.

0:28:350:28:41

She's split in half.

0:28:410:28:43

-You mean like down the middle in half?

-At the waist.

0:28:430:28:49

-This is the last time I can talk to the top half?

-Yes.

0:28:490:28:54

The truck's the only thing that's holding her together.

0:28:540:28:57

Let's say this is her bottom half.

0:28:570:29:00

-Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?

-I'm not sure what you mean.

0:29:000:29:07

-Let me explain.

-Tom, go to her.

0:29:070:29:11

Tom, I'll need a ride home.

0:29:190:29:22

Hi, baby. How's it going?

0:29:250:29:28

-I'm dying, Tom.

-Don't talk like that. The truck barely hit you.

0:29:280:29:34

-COUGHS

-Honey, kiss me one last time.

0:29:350:29:39

-Promise me you'll never remarry.

-I promise.

0:29:420:29:46

-And no sex either.

-I-I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

0:29:480:29:53

-No sex.

-Honey, you're not speaking clearly.

0:29:530:29:56

-Your injuries must be awful.

-No sex.

0:29:560:29:59

-The cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words...

-No sex!

0:29:590:30:03

Poor Annie, we hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.

0:30:030:30:07

-Oh, Jesus!

-That's right. Go into the light.

0:30:070:30:10

-Look, just tell George, swing away.

-Right. Swing away.

0:30:100:30:14

Oh, sure. THAT you understand!

0:30:140:30:17

Annie? Annie!

0:30:190:30:21

-I'm sorry, dude.

-Don't call me dude. I'm not a stoner any more,

0:30:230:30:28

not since... # "MEXICAN HAT DANCE" PLAYS

0:30:280:30:31

Goodbye, Tom.

0:30:310:30:33

Baaaaa! CLUNK!

0:30:360:30:38

# Amaaaaa-zing grace

0:30:400:30:45

-# How sweet... #

-I'm so sorry, Mr and Mrs Meeks.

0:30:460:30:50

-Brenda was a good friend - when she was alive.

-My sweet, sweet Brenda.

0:30:500:30:56

She looks so peaceful.

0:30:560:30:58

If only God had taken us instead of her.

0:31:010:31:06

Knowing your Brenda like I did, I'd say she wishes the same thing.

0:31:060:31:11

These just came today. Photos from a trip she took.

0:31:110:31:16

-They're blank.

-Turn them around, honey.

0:31:180:31:22

Oh! Yes, of course.

0:31:220:31:25

-Who's this?

-That's Ralf. He's right over there.

0:31:270:31:31

-Cody?

-It's a boy. He's going to be an asshole.

0:31:370:31:41

Smoke all you want, you're gonna get hit by a bus.

0:31:410:31:44

That's not fooling anyone.

0:31:440:31:47

-Cindy.

-George.

-Sue wanted to pay her respects to her teacher.

0:31:490:31:55

-You?

-Brenda was my bitch.

-Of course.

0:31:550:31:58

-Oh.

-Are you OK?

-It's just the open coffin.

0:32:010:32:05

-I can't believe they'd just leave it out here.

-It's a wake.

-Awake?

-No!

0:32:050:32:10

It's a miracle! I thought you were dead!

0:32:100:32:13

-Sue, your teacher's alive! Argh!

-George! I got ya!

0:32:130:32:18

She's alive!

0:32:190:32:21

-Argh!

-ALL GASP

0:32:210:32:23

-She's alive! Brenda?!

-George, stop! She's dead!

-No!

0:32:260:32:29

We won't lose you again!

0:32:290:32:32

Argh!

0:32:340:32:36

-She's not breathing.

-Aaarrrgh!

0:32:360:32:38

Live, dammit, live!

0:32:420:32:44

Charles! Charles, stop them!!

0:32:480:32:50

Stop them! Stop them! What are they doing?!

0:32:540:32:58

She's alive! She's alive! Wake up! She's alive!

0:32:580:33:02

Ohhh!

0:33:090:33:11

Aaaaaarrrrrgh!!

0:33:150:33:17

-BOOM

-Aaaarrrrrgh!

0:33:170:33:19

I got something! I got something!

0:33:200:33:23

Aaaarrrrgh!

0:33:240:33:26

-Aaaarrrgh! That's it!

-George!

0:33:270:33:29

That's the last time I try to bring anyone back from the dead!

0:33:290:33:34

Don't get down. I knew you were only trying to help.

0:33:340:33:38

-You're a good, caring person, which is why I like you.

-Thanks,

0:33:380:33:43

but I don't wanna screw your life up, too.

0:33:430:33:46

-The most caring thing I could do for everyone is get outta here.

-George!

0:33:460:33:52

-What about Sue?

-Oh, yes, of course. Once I get Sue, then...

-Wait!

0:33:520:33:58

I could really use a friend right now.

0:34:000:34:04

Brenda's gone, Cody resents me...

0:34:060:34:09

..and I'm caught up in something I can't even...

0:34:100:34:14

Oh, God, it's so hard.

0:34:140:34:16

Well, you're beautiful - and you're pressing up against me.

0:34:160:34:20

Look, Cindy,

0:34:200:34:22

I know you'd never consider going out with a guy like me,

0:34:230:34:28

but if you're not too busy tomorrow night...

0:34:280:34:32

-Is that a yes?

-Yes.

0:34:320:34:36

Cindy,

0:34:410:34:42

-did Brenda ever talk to you about a tape?

-She did mention something.

0:34:420:34:47

-D'you mind if I go upstairs and look around?

-Yes, go.

0:34:470:34:51

-Cody, I'll be right back, OK?

-You're getting lucky tonight.

0:34:510:34:56

He doesn't know you're a guy.

0:34:560:34:59

THUNDERCLAP

0:34:590:35:01

-THUD!

-Oh, shit!

0:35:540:35:56

-Bada-bada-bada!

-RETCHES

0:36:090:36:11

PHONE RINGS Huh?!

0:36:230:36:25

-Hello.

-"Oop-eh!"

0:36:350:36:37

-What? Will he miss?

-"Eh-gay."

0:36:380:36:41

Who's gay? Hello?

0:36:420:36:44

"Eerie-al." What?

0:36:440:36:47

-"Can...you...hear.. me now?"

-Kind of.

-"Now?"

-Yes, perfect.

0:36:470:36:52

-"Seven daaaaays."

-Seven days?

0:36:520:36:54

-Oh, my God, I'm gonna die next Monday?

-"Yes. No, wait."

0:36:540:36:58

"That'd be seven business days. This is seven days starting now."

0:36:580:37:02

My watch broke. How will I know the exact time?

0:37:020:37:06

"Forget hours. This day, in seven days."

0:37:060:37:08

-There's a holiday coming up. D'you count that?

-"Depends. What holiday?"

0:37:080:37:12

-Martin Luther King Day.

-"No."

-Why? Everyone at work's taking it off.

0:37:120:37:17

"Jesus, I'm giving you seven days!"

0:37:170:37:19

-"I can kill you now, if you'd rather have that?"

-LINE GOES DEAD

0:37:190:37:24

I don't care what you say, I'm signing you up

0:37:240:37:28

-for another rap battle.

-That part of my life's over.

0:37:280:37:32

I said the same thing about getting with CJ's sister,

0:37:320:37:36

-but I'm still hitting it...

-He's still hitting it! What?

0:37:360:37:40

-I'm done.

-What are you gonna do with the rest of your life?

-I don't know.

0:37:400:37:45

Yeah, yeah! Come out.

0:37:450:37:47

Maybe my brother's right. I should settle down.

0:37:470:37:50

-What's up there?

-Mother!

-I got another one, y'all!

0:37:500:37:55

Hey, George, you can't focus on that shit. Let that go.

0:37:550:38:00

Hey. You're in the driver's seat, George.

0:38:000:38:04

Ow!

0:38:050:38:07

-You gotta take the lid off!

-Of course.

-Sorry!

0:38:070:38:11

MOBILE PHONE RINGS

0:38:110:38:13

-Hello.

-"Something terrible's happened. I really need your help."

0:38:130:38:16

-Are you OK? What's going on?

-Help me.

0:38:180:38:21

I watched the tape that killed Brenda,

0:38:210:38:24

the phone rang, this voice said I'd die in seven days.

0:38:240:38:28

-There's no such thing as a killer video tape.

-There is.

0:38:280:38:32

-I know someone who can help.

-Who?

-Wait.

0:38:320:38:35

-Jamal watched it last week and today he woke up dead.

-No!

0:38:350:38:39

-How?

-Cos you're alive when you go to sleep.

-Who can help?

0:38:390:38:44

You can wake up alive?

0:38:440:38:46

-You can't go to bed dead!

-Who?

-You can go to bed and not be dead,

0:38:460:38:52

-and die but not be in a bed.

-But you're in a bed.

0:38:520:38:57

-That's how you wake up dead, fool!

-Damn! That's some quantum shit!

0:38:570:39:01

-You should be teaching classes!

-Tell me who can help me!

0:39:010:39:05

My aunt. She saw the tape before anybody knew about it.

0:39:050:39:10

-You should go see them tonight.

-Tonight?

0:39:100:39:13

But who will take care of Cody?

0:39:130:39:16

We'll have so much fun. I have jigsaw puzzles, board games

0:39:160:39:21

-and baseball cards in my room and a cool model aeroplane.

-Sure.

0:39:210:39:25

I made him a snack. Give him warm milk if he can't sleep.

0:39:250:39:30

-Don't worry. Everything'll be fine.

-Here!

-I'm great with kids.

0:39:300:39:33

-Heads up, Cody.

-Ooh!

0:39:330:39:35

-Oh, and in case of emergencies -

-I'm OK.

0:39:350:39:39

Sorry. Are you OK, kiddo? Thatta boy.

0:39:390:39:44

THUD, TYRES SCREECH

0:39:460:39:48

-OK, I'm off.

-Right.

0:39:490:39:51

You know, it's funny. All a child ever really wants is a family.

0:39:510:39:56

-Yo.

-Cody really likes you.

-He's a good kid.

-Yeah.

0:39:560:40:01

-Bye.

-Bye.

0:40:050:40:07

THUNDERCLAP

0:40:150:40:17

Hello?

0:40:210:40:23

I know you're Cindy. Be right with you.

0:40:230:40:27

-Aunt Shaneequa?

-Bingo.

0:40:270:40:29

But you can call me the Oracle, and don't worry about that vase.

0:40:290:40:35

What vase? Oh, sorry, I didn't know... Oh!

0:40:350:40:39

That vase.

0:40:400:40:42

Please, sit.

0:40:430:40:45

FART-LIKE NOISE It was the chair.

0:40:470:40:51

PROLONGED FART

0:40:540:40:56

Yes, the chair.

0:40:580:41:00

I know why you've come. A great mystery lies ahead of you,

0:41:000:41:05

but you mustn't shy away from the challenge.

0:41:050:41:08

-Only you can be the one...

-TV ON

0:41:080:41:12

-Orpheus...

-What, baby?

-Sweetie?

0:41:120:41:14

I'm watching the game.

0:41:140:41:16

Do you mind?

0:41:180:41:20

-The Lakers will win by 12.

-TURNS OFF TV

0:41:210:41:26

-So can you tell me -

-The tape.

-Yes.

0:41:260:41:30

-I watched it...

-The phone rang.

-Right.

0:41:300:41:33

-Then this voice said...

-That you'd die in seven days.

0:41:330:41:36

-OK, that's getting -

-Extremely annoying.

-Yeah.

0:41:360:41:39

Try being married to her.

0:41:390:41:41

I get shit about women I ain't slept with yet.

0:41:410:41:45

-You made a copy of the tape. Let's see it.

-Yes, OK.

0:41:450:41:51

-Can you tell me...

-If the tape is connected to the crop circles? Yes.

0:41:550:42:01

-It's up to you to discover how for yourself.

-Look, it's a...

-Cigarette?

0:42:010:42:07

-I was going to say a lighthouse.

-Find that lighthouse.

0:42:080:42:12

It's your destiny.

0:42:120:42:14

Wait. What is that?

0:42:160:42:18

Oh, my God!

0:42:230:42:25

BUZZES

0:42:260:42:28

There... Argh!

0:42:430:42:45

-Now baby...

-I knew that was gonna happen.

0:42:460:42:51

Uh-oh. C'mon.

0:42:510:42:53

-WHISTLES

-Oh, hell, no! Get your ass...!

0:42:530:42:57

-What's wrong with you, woman? Can't you not... Get out there!

-No! No!

0:42:580:43:04

-Let her go! We'll get another lawsuit!

-I'll kill the bitch!

0:43:040:43:08

-You won! You won! You won!

-Aaaahhh!

0:43:080:43:12

-Upstairs.

-OK.

-Down low.

-OK.

0:43:130:43:15

-All right? Oh, baby, no!

-I'll kill her. Are you crazy?

0:43:150:43:19

RIPPING SOUND

0:43:190:43:21

What are you gonna brush now? What you gonna brush now?

0:43:210:43:24

You picked the wrong TV to come out of.

0:43:240:43:27

George? Cody?

0:43:320:43:34

Ohh! George!

0:43:360:43:38

-Ow!

-What happened?

-I don't know.

0:43:390:43:42

Cody and I were playing a fun game, then I looked down and...

0:43:420:43:47

Yahtzee!

0:43:470:43:49

No!

0:43:540:43:56

Oh, my God!

0:43:560:43:58

-How could you let him watch the tape?

-I didn't...

-PHONE RINGS

0:43:590:44:05

-Hello.

-"It's me. How are you doin'?"

-Fine.

0:44:100:44:13

"Enjoying your last week? I can't wait to see ya."

0:44:130:44:17

-"Six days now, right?"

-Yeah.

0:44:170:44:19

"Great catching up, but can I speak to Cody?"

0:44:190:44:23

-Why? He didn't watch the tape.

-"He did. C'mon, I do this for a living!"

0:44:230:44:28

Leave us alone!

0:44:280:44:31

RINGS

0:44:310:44:33

-Hello.

-"I'm calling from Reader's Digest

0:44:350:44:37

-"with a fantastic offer for Cody."

-GURGLING NOISE

0:44:370:44:41

-You're not! You're the evil little girl from the tape!

-"OK, you got me."

0:44:410:44:47

-"I'll just leave a message for him."

-Fine.

0:44:470:44:51

Uh-huh. Yeah.

0:44:510:44:53

Er, OK, how d'you spell that?

0:44:530:44:56

Right. Got it.

0:44:560:44:58

Bye-bye.

0:44:580:45:00

Aaaaaaarrrrrgh!

0:45:020:45:04

-I can't believe you let that happen.

-Sorry. I screwed up.

0:45:040:45:08

We can save him. The answer to the tape, the crop circles,

0:45:080:45:13

-it's at a lighthouse. You think I'm crazy.

-Course,

0:45:130:45:16

but the last thing you need's a screw-up like me.

0:45:160:45:20

-I'm gonna leave - for good.

-Wait. Well, what shall I tell Cody?

0:45:200:45:26

Let him down easy. Tell him I got called away on business.

0:45:260:45:31

-You'll think of something.

-Testicular cancer.

0:45:310:45:33

-He won't ask questions.

-I knew you'd understand.

0:45:330:45:37

George! Just...

0:45:370:45:39

be careful. Something weird is going on at your farm, I know it.

0:45:390:45:44

What are you talking about?

0:45:440:45:46

-A sheep needs to be pushed through the fence.

-What?

-Goodbye.

0:45:460:45:50

GIRL SINGS

0:45:520:45:54

-Sue?

-I can't sleep.

0:46:130:46:16

Well, it's way past your bed time.

0:46:160:46:19

Would you like me to sleep in your big, strong arms?

0:46:210:46:27

There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night.

0:46:270:46:32

You don't need to wear pyjamas.

0:46:320:46:35

-Where is my daughter?

-Are you mad? I am your daughter.

-No, you're not!

0:46:360:46:41

-Aaaaarrrrgh!!

-Dah! Come here!

0:46:410:46:43

-What did you do with Sue?

-I didn't touch her.

-I don't believe you!

0:46:440:46:49

-Please, for God sakes, she's a girl.

-You sick...

0:46:490:46:54

CRUNCH! Ooh!

0:47:020:47:04

Oh! GIGGLES

0:47:050:47:07

-Daddy.

-Argh!

-How d'you like it, huh? Havin' fun?

0:47:120:47:17

Argh!

0:47:180:47:20

Tom, are you...?

0:47:340:47:36

-What in the world?

-Sh!

0:47:370:47:40

-Look.

-What is that thing?

0:47:410:47:45

-I don't know.

-Maybe Cindy was right.

0:47:450:47:49

CLUNK!

0:47:510:47:53

SIGHS

0:48:030:48:05

All I need is five minutes.

0:48:050:48:07

I told you. No more paranoid on-air rants about the supernatural.

0:48:070:48:11

-I know. The station is about sex, violence and the weather.

-Yes.

0:48:110:48:16

We need that porn star shot dead in a hurricane story. One hour.

0:48:160:48:22

"A tornado in Charleston threatens a clothing-optional beach where,

0:48:220:48:26

"just yesterday, a naked couple was brutally murdered."

0:48:260:48:29

-"This just five miles..."

-Sorry. I have to do this.

0:48:290:48:33

"Turning now to sports. And an evil video tape that kills anyone

0:48:330:48:39

"who watches it in seven days. It's true..."

0:48:390:48:42

-Oh, no!

-"..in danger." "..an alien force has tried

0:48:420:48:45

-"to prevent you from knowing the truth."

-Are you insane?!

0:48:450:48:49

I had to do this!

0:48:490:48:51

"Actually I didn't really mean anything I just said." "Yes, I did."

0:48:510:48:56

"Every word. Everyone watching this could be dead in a week."

0:48:560:49:01

"Bbbbbttttttt...shisen wakhari."

0:49:010:49:04

"1-3-4-19 guorsn blkn braket."

0:49:050:49:09

"I been cleaning after this dumbass cracker Giggins for 10 years,

0:49:090:49:14

"but I've been hitting it with his woman for 12."

0:49:140:49:18

"Know what I'm saying, nigger? She likes her some chocolate."

0:49:180:49:20

"Sharpton for president, y'all. I'm outti. Peace."

0:49:200:49:24

An evil video tape that kills people in seven days? Alien forces?

0:49:240:49:29

Who the hell is Cindy Campbell? If what she says is true,

0:49:290:49:33

-we're facing an unprecedented crisis. Get me the president.

-You are the president.

0:49:330:49:37

Good. Then I already know about this. Where's my lunch?

0:49:370:49:40

Go on TV and convince the people there's no such thing as a UFO.

0:49:400:49:46

-Don't spell in front of me, dammit.

-Aliens.

0:49:460:49:49

-There's no such thing as aliens.

-That's not quite true.

-Sir?

0:49:490:49:53

A year ago a UFO crashed in New Mexico.

0:49:530:49:56

-A body may have been recovered.

-May have been?

-There was a mix-up.

0:49:560:50:01

It was Thanksgiving, the body was sent to the kitchen.

0:50:010:50:05

It had stuffing up its ass and we ate it at a state dinner.

0:50:050:50:10

That's the last I saw of it. Scratch that.

0:50:100:50:13

-Sandwiches were made the next day.

-Mr President! Listen.

0:50:130:50:17

-Back away from that window!

-What? I didn't put my pants on again?

0:50:170:50:21

No. It's a feeling I've had since the news about the alien.

0:50:210:50:25

-Something's not right.

-I know what you mean.

0:50:250:50:28

It's like that feeling that something's not right. What is it?

0:50:280:50:33

Some old Tupac, sir.

0:50:330:50:35

-"All eyes on me!" Hey, this shit is bangin'!

-Thank you, sir.

0:50:370:50:43

FOGHORN

0:51:120:51:14

Hello, Cindy.

0:51:540:51:57

I'm the architect. You have many questions.

0:51:590:52:04

-I've been watching you for a very long time.

-So I see.

0:52:060:52:12

What's the connection between the crop circles and the video tape?

0:52:120:52:15

The answer's simple. You're the eventuality of an anomaly.

0:52:150:52:19

-You are inexorably seeking a segulant probability.

-Segulant...

0:52:190:52:22

Protesciary? No? What about contingent affirmation?

0:52:220:52:25

-That's gotta mean something.

-Hey. Hey!

0:52:250:52:28

You put cameras in my bathroom? Ah, what it this?

0:52:280:52:33

Oh, my God! It was a long winter.

0:52:340:52:37

-This is an invasion of... Ow!

-Ooh, sorry.

0:52:370:52:41

I can't help it. It's lonely in here.

0:52:410:52:44

I haven't been with anyone in a very long time, not counting myself.

0:52:440:52:49

Or this chair. I call her...Linda.

0:52:490:52:53

-Cut to the chase. I'm in a rush.

-You could always sleep over.

0:52:540:52:59

-Linda's built for two, and she vibrates.

-Stop it!

0:52:590:53:02

-Tell me what I need to know. Who is that little girl?

-OK.

0:53:020:53:07

My wife and I wanted a child but she couldn't get pregnant.

0:53:070:53:11

-Neither could I.

-So you adopted.

-We loved our daughter but she was evil.

0:53:110:53:16

Made the horses crazy, killed our puppies, hid the remote. Sick shit.

0:53:160:53:21

My wife took her to the family farm and drowned her in the well.

0:53:210:53:24

I felt time out would've been sufficient.

0:53:240:53:28

But Tabitha imprinted her evil on a video tape.

0:53:280:53:32

-I never meant for it to get out, but...

-What?

0:53:320:53:35

I returned it to Blockbuster instead of my copy of Pootie Tang.

0:53:350:53:40

-It's been circulating and killing ever since.

-Just like Pootie Tang.

0:53:400:53:44

-What does this have to do with aliens?

-I don't know.

0:53:440:53:48

-Perhaps Tabitha's summoning them to kill us all.

-An alien invasion?

0:53:480:53:54

-I must warn the world.

-It's already begun. You're too late.

-Oh, my God!

0:53:540:53:59

But not too late to make an old man happy. What? What?

0:53:590:54:05

And now, reports of lights in the sky.

0:54:050:54:09

Glimpses of spacecraft.

0:54:090:54:11

Possible alien sightings being reported all over the world.

0:54:110:54:15

Are they aliens? The first video images are coming in.

0:54:150:54:19

Disturbing home video tonight from a ranch outside Sydney, Australia.

0:54:190:54:23

Watch very carefully. There it is.

0:54:230:54:25

Let's see that again.

0:54:250:54:27

Very, very disturbing.

0:54:270:54:29

And this just in from Sao Paolo, Brazil.

0:54:300:54:34

Let's see that again.

0:54:360:54:38

Very, very disturbing.

0:54:420:54:45

And this just in from south Texas.

0:54:450:54:48

Do they pose a threat? Only one thing's for certain.

0:54:510:54:55

-We're all going to be killed.

-We have to board up the house.

0:54:550:55:00

Is this necessary? Having an award ceremony at a time like this?

0:55:000:55:05

Everything must appear business as usual.

0:55:050:55:07

-The nation, while not yet panicked, is deeply disturbed.

-Good.

0:55:070:55:11

See if we can steer that course, keeping everyone disturbed.

0:55:110:55:14

We don't wanna panic. Few presidents have faced a crisis like this.

0:55:140:55:19

I wonder what President Ford would've done? The buck stops here.

0:55:190:55:24

Thank you, all, and welcome to the White House.

0:55:260:55:29

The Mother Teresa Awards recognise those who've overcome

0:55:290:55:33

the severest handicaps and disadvantages

0:55:330:55:36

to help others in their communities. The young, the old, black and white,

0:55:360:55:41

our Native Americans. Hey, how are you?

0:55:410:55:44

CHANTS: Hey, how are ya? Hey, how are ya?!

0:55:440:55:48

Well, it is therefore my honour to present each and every one of you

0:55:480:55:54

with this symbol of merit.

0:55:540:55:57

-The room is secure, Mr President.

-Or is it?

0:56:000:56:04

-Sir?

-I've been thinking.

0:56:040:56:06

What if the aliens could take over human bodies?

0:56:060:56:09

-They'd look like us - or almost.

-I never thought of that.

0:56:090:56:14

We should be on the alert for anything suspicious.

0:56:140:56:17

-They could be anywhere, even - here.

-We'd never see an attack coming.

0:56:170:56:22

-It's frightening, sir!

-Don't panic.

0:56:220:56:24

We'll just move slowly toward the exit.

0:56:240:56:28

ELECTRONIC VOICE

0:56:290:56:32

It's happening. I knew it! You'll never take me alive!

0:56:320:56:35

-Aaaaaaaarrrrrgh!

-She's scrambling my brain!

0:56:350:56:38

-I'll get her!

-Ooh!

0:56:380:56:40

-Ohh!

-Oh, no, you don't!

0:56:410:56:43

Good work, sir!

0:56:450:56:47

Good God! The small ones have metal teeth! Jerry's kids my ass!

0:56:480:56:55

Mr President! Mr President, have you gone completely insane?!

0:56:550:56:59

Like a fox. Let's talk to the person who saw this coming. Cindy Campbell.

0:56:590:57:04

She knows how to defeat the aliens! This filthy scum!

0:57:040:57:08

Argh, you hideous creature! Get off of my planet!

0:57:080:57:12

-Is everything all right?

-The exits are all blocked.

-I'll find one.

0:57:120:57:16

-Everybody clear!

-GUNSHOT

0:57:160:57:19

This way. God, this is exciting!

0:57:200:57:22

You're excited? You should feel my nipples!

0:57:220:57:25

Cody? Cody?

0:57:250:57:27

Cody, where are you?!

0:57:270:57:29

-Honey?

-"After today's incident in the East Room,

0:57:300:57:34

"the White House is now advising all citizens to board up their homes

0:57:340:57:39

-"and prepare for an alien invasion."

-Oh, no!

0:57:390:57:42

"An exclusive. The killer video tape you've been hearing about.

0:57:420:57:46

-"We're the..."

-No.

-"..only station who has it.

0:57:460:57:49

"We're showing it all night. Let's roll it again."

0:57:490:57:54

There. Nobody's gettin' through that sucker.

0:57:540:57:57

That's great, but we have to get down to the cellar.

0:57:570:58:02

-George.

-Cindy.

-There's no time. Get down to the cellar.

-Cody!

0:58:020:58:07

-I've been worried sick.

-He showed up about an hour ago.

0:58:070:58:11

-I tried to call.

-No, you didn't.

-OK, but I was gonna.

-No, he wasn't.

0:58:110:58:16

-You can't just run away like that.

-I wanted to be with George.

0:58:160:58:21

-I know you want a dad, but...

-Oh, trust me, I'm not good at anything.

0:58:210:58:27

-Why would I be good at that?

-Uncle George!

0:58:270:58:32

-It's gonna be OK.

-I'm going to die, aren't I?

0:58:420:58:46

Did I ever tell you what your mom said about you the day you were born?

0:58:460:58:52

-No.

-I was in the delivery room with her. She was having a hard time.

0:58:520:58:58

You began to come out of her. She screamed in pain.

0:58:580:59:02

She yelled, "Just kill me. Bludgeon me with a bedpan.

0:59:020:59:06

"Put me out of this pain." She was gushing torrents of blood.

0:59:060:59:11

I have this on tape if you wanna see it. Finally you came out.

0:59:110:59:15

Your mom cut your umbilical cord herself. Well, on the second try.

0:59:150:59:20

The first time she snipped your penis in half. She was drunk.

0:59:200:59:24

Actually, drugged. We'd been out celebrating St Patrick's Day.

0:59:240:59:29

She thought, "I never tasted crystal meth," so she did just a little.

0:59:290:59:33

-My penis?

-Yes. They sewed it on upside down.

0:59:330:59:37

-That's why I pee up?

-Yes. We'll get it fixed. It's on my list of things.

0:59:370:59:44

Anyway, your mom turned to me and said, "Hey, you want him, take him."

0:59:440:59:50

Then she died - and I took you. Do you know why?

0:59:500:59:55

I'd just lost my cat in a fire and I needed something to pet.

0:59:551:00:00

I miss that cat, but I love you. Nothing will change that,

1:00:001:00:05

not even the painful death we're about to experience.

1:00:051:00:08

George! George.

1:00:081:00:10

FOOTSTEPS

1:00:101:00:12

-Are they gone?

-I don't hear anything.

-DOOR RATTLES

1:00:171:00:21

-HIGH-PITCHED SCREAM

-Don't worry, Sue, it'll be all right.

1:00:251:00:29

-It was Uncle George.

-It was scary.

-Good work, Sue.

1:00:291:00:34

I don't know what stupid, idiotic thing made these lights go off.

1:00:341:00:39

There's spare fuses in the cross face.

1:00:391:00:42

If I can get to them I can get these lights back on. George!

1:00:421:00:47

Grab that sleeper. Jam it against the door. Ohh!

1:00:471:00:51

My balls!

1:00:511:00:53

No, not those! Jesus!

1:00:541:00:57

No!

1:00:571:00:59

-Uncle George, I'm scared.

-Oh, sweetie, come here. It's OK.

1:00:591:01:04

Argh! There's something on the other side of the door.

1:01:061:01:11

I can't see anything.

1:01:211:01:24

-Oh, my God!

-Can you see 'em? What are they doing?

-They're horrible.

1:01:391:01:44

They're greyish with big black eyes. Their teeth are grotesque.

1:01:441:01:49

-I think they're giggling.

-What?

1:01:491:01:52

Oh, no. Oh, no. I think... I think they wanna...

1:01:531:01:58

DOOR RATTLES

1:01:581:02:00

-Argh! Help!

-Cody!

1:02:011:02:03

George! Swing away, George!

1:02:041:02:06

-I'm coming, Cody.

-Aunt Cindy, help!

-I'll save you!

-Ow! Ow! Ow!

1:02:071:02:13

Die! Let him go! You're not getting in here!

1:02:151:02:19

-George.

-Let him go! There? Had enough?

1:02:191:02:23

-Forget it, Cody. Thank me later.

-Oh, Cody, thank God! Come on.

1:02:231:02:28

-Daddy!

-Sue!

1:02:281:02:30

Mahalik! What are you doing here?

1:02:341:02:37

-The hood's got your back.

-Thank God. There's two at the door.

1:02:371:02:41

-What?

-They're gone!

-Good. They couldn't get in.

1:02:411:02:45

I hear they can't open doors.

1:02:451:02:48

They mastered space flight but can't get through a wooden door?

1:02:481:02:52

The cellar's the safest place. Women and children stay here.

1:02:521:02:57

-The men go and fight.

-Right. What's the cut off age for children?

-C'mon!

1:02:571:03:04

RUSTLING

1:03:141:03:16

-COCKS SPADE

-Follow me.

1:03:161:03:20

TYRES SCREECH, THUD!

1:03:261:03:28

Sorry. I thought I was hitting the brake.

1:03:311:03:34

We don't have to go through insurance?

1:03:341:03:37

-Mr President, what are you doing here?

-Looking for Cindy Campbell.

1:03:371:03:41

She holds the key to defeating the aliens. Ah, good, the Air Force

1:03:411:03:46

-is here with those new round planes.

-We don't have round planes.

1:03:461:03:51

-Oh, my God!

-Oh, my God.

1:03:511:03:54

-RAP MUSIC PLAYS

-D'you hear that?

1:03:541:03:57

CAR HORN

1:03:571:03:59

-What's up, George?

-CJ!

-The hood always got your back,

1:04:061:04:11

-and I got the boys. Get out the car.

-Who we gotta shoot?

-Let's do this!

1:04:111:04:18

-You stepped on my shoe, bitch!

-Call me a bitch again and you're dead.

1:04:191:04:25

-Damn, homey.

-In the cornfield.

-They're comin'!

1:04:251:04:28

Don't worry. Me and my boys will take care of this. C'mon...

1:04:281:04:32

-I'm gonna bust this shit right now.

-Mama!

-Over here!

1:04:321:04:36

CONTINUE ARGUING

1:04:361:04:39

-RAPID GUNFIRE

-Get down!

1:04:461:04:48

BOOM!

1:04:501:04:52

-I can't believe what I just saw.

-These men died for their country.

1:04:551:05:00

Sends flowers to their bitches and ho's.

1:05:001:05:02

Argh!

1:05:021:05:05

I can't break free!

1:05:071:05:09

They must have some kind of weakness!

1:05:091:05:12

-Huh?

-Without their heads they're powerless.

-Please, no.

1:05:161:05:19

We mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil girl.

1:05:191:05:24

We must destroy her before seven days.

1:05:241:05:28

You watched the video tape?

1:05:281:05:30

Our satellite picked up what we thought was Pootie Tang.

1:05:301:05:34

That was a week ago. Our entire race will die unless the girl's destroyed.

1:05:341:05:39

Oh, see, they are peaceful.

1:05:391:05:42

Then why were they choking us a few minutes ago?

1:05:421:05:46

That's how we say hello. Hello.

1:05:461:05:49

Hello. Hello.

1:05:491:05:51

How d'you guys say goodbye? Ohh!

1:05:511:05:54

I had to ask.

1:05:551:05:57

If you think that's strange, you should see how we pee.

1:05:571:06:02

GULPS

1:06:021:06:04

So we're not so different after all.

1:06:071:06:11

There's something about this place. It's like I've seen it before.

1:06:131:06:19

Oh, my God!

1:06:201:06:22

This used to be their farm! She died right here!

1:06:241:06:29

There's something down there.

1:06:421:06:44

-CLUNK!

-Ohh!

1:06:551:06:57

ALL CHAT

1:07:061:07:08

Just look at this. Human beings and aliens working together.

1:07:111:07:16

We're all just one big galactic family.

1:07:161:07:19

Family? That's just what I've been running away from.

1:07:191:07:23

Well, that's because you're an idiot.

1:07:231:07:26

GASPS

1:07:301:07:32

This is it!

1:07:351:07:37

'My wife took her to the old family farm and drowned her in a well.'

1:07:371:07:43

The little girl, she's frightened of the well.

1:07:451:07:49

GASPS

1:07:531:07:55

-Ah!

-Oh!

1:08:071:08:08

Cindy!

1:08:081:08:11

CHAINSAW WHIRS

1:08:241:08:26

Time to go back down the well, bitch!

1:08:461:08:49

Cindy!

1:08:511:08:52

-No! Don't hurt him!

-Cindy, you have to come outside.

1:08:521:08:57

The aliens aren't invading... Argh!

1:08:571:08:59

-Don't worry, Cody, I'll save you!

-Wait! Wait. Don't do this.

1:09:001:09:05

You don't have to be evil. I know what happened to you, Tabitha.

1:09:051:09:12

I know what your mom did. That was wrong. You were just a little girl,

1:09:131:09:18

and you're still that little girl, just a lot more corpsy

1:09:181:09:23

and with really bad teeth, but maybe all you need is a mother.

1:09:231:09:29

And a father.

1:09:321:09:34

-We could be...

-A family.

1:09:461:09:48

Thanks. Your love has broken the curse and freed my soul.

1:09:531:09:59

-I'll never have to kill again.

-Really?

1:09:591:10:02

-EVIL VOICE:

-I'm just screwing with you.

1:10:021:10:05

Aaarrgh!

1:10:061:10:07

I just wanna tell you, good luck. We're all counting on you. SPLASH!

1:10:071:10:14

Now it's over.

1:10:191:10:21

GASPS

1:10:211:10:23

-It's OK. He's our friend.

-Thank you for saving our species.

1:10:231:10:27

-We must return to our home planet.

-Goodbye, then. Ooh!

-Goodbye.

1:10:271:10:33

Congratulations, George! The hood's always got your back!

1:10:521:10:56

Whoo!

1:11:031:11:05

ALL CHEER

1:11:171:11:19

Oh, George, I'm so happy. Finally we're a family.

1:11:191:11:23

Yeah. You, me and...

1:11:241:11:26

Damn!

1:11:261:11:28

-TYRES SCREECH

-Cindy! George! Wait!

1:11:281:11:30

SIGHS

1:11:351:11:37

Second sequel in the series of spoof horror films, featuring cameos from celebrities such as Pamela Anderson, Jenny McCarthy and Simon Cowell.

When a reporter discovers a videotape that kills people seven days after watching it, she seeks the help of an ex-minister who has discovered mysterious crop circles on his land.