Scenes of a Sexual Nature


Scenes of a Sexual Nature

Comedy drama about the romantic and erotic entanglements of a handful of couples, set one sunny afternoon on Hampstead Heath. With Holly Aird and Eileen Atkins.


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Transcript


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This programme contains strong language..

0:02:150:02:20

Footballers! Fifty grand a week!

0:02:200:02:24

That's ten grand a day.

0:02:250:02:28

Well, it's a five-day week.

0:02:280:02:30

I mean, one game a week. Two max.

0:02:310:02:35

And they only train till midday, so that's like...

0:02:350:02:38

..ten grand a working day.

0:02:380:02:41

So what gems does Little Miss Cosmo have for you this week?

0:02:450:02:48

Well, I'm reading about something called, erm, multiple orgasm?

0:02:480:02:53

-Don't listen. They make that shit up.

-Apparently not.

0:02:530:02:57

Well, multiple orgasms stop when you get married.

0:02:570:03:00

Something to do with church weddings.

0:03:000:03:03

The blessing takes care of all that.

0:03:030:03:05

In the eyes of God, one climax per session is enough.

0:03:050:03:10

Well, if that were the case, I'd go to church.

0:03:100:03:13

Multiple orgasms. Really!

0:03:130:03:15

-We make do with one at a time. Do you see us complaining?

-No.

0:03:150:03:18

-There you go.

-Cos you're asleep.

0:03:180:03:20

-Ho-ho-ho!

-(LAUGHS)

0:03:200:03:23

Well, Mandy from Oxford here has at least ten orgasms a day.

0:03:230:03:28

-I told you, they make it up.

-So, by your maths, that's what?

0:03:280:03:32

-Fifty orgasms a week?

-Unless she's on a Cup run.

0:03:320:03:36

-Ow! Christ, I've just come.

-Jamie!

-Oh, and another!

0:03:360:03:39

-Shut up! People will start staring!

-It's Hampstead Heath.

0:03:390:03:42

They think you're weird if you're not having sex. Ooh, and another.

0:03:420:03:46

-Seven more and I could move in with Mandy from Oxford.

-(LAUGHS)

0:03:460:03:51

(SIGHS)

0:04:000:04:02

(CLEARS THROAT) Erm, would you mind if I...?

0:04:380:04:40

Oh, no, of course.

0:04:400:04:43

Do you come here often?

0:04:560:04:58

-Is that the best you have?

-(CHUCKLES)

0:04:590:05:02

Yes, I'm afraid it is, yes.

0:05:020:05:05

Oh.

0:05:050:05:07

Oh, don't worry. I...

0:05:070:05:09

I shan't be asking you to dance.

0:05:090:05:11

I find this very comforting.

0:05:150:05:18

-The view?

-Yes.

0:05:180:05:21

Ah, it's wonderful to know that some things... just stay.

0:05:230:05:28

Although I could do without that bloody tower!

0:05:280:05:32

Oh, really? I love it. I love it that for a while, at least,

0:05:320:05:35

-we had ambitions beyond concrete.

-Hm.

0:05:350:05:38

Do you ever wonder what would have happened

0:05:400:05:44

if that chap in Pudding Lane had noticed that fire starting

0:05:440:05:48

all those centuries ago, and then just put it out?

0:05:480:05:53

I suppose the whole of London would be wooden.

0:05:540:05:57

Imagine the splinters.

0:05:570:05:59

(CHUCKLES)

0:05:590:06:02

By the way, I do.

0:06:040:06:06

-What?

-Come here often.

0:06:060:06:08

-Do you?

-Every Wednesday, as a matter of fact, to this very bench.

0:06:080:06:12

-Well, I never.

-So be careful who you ask next time.

0:06:120:06:15

Yes, I will.

0:06:150:06:17

-Well, that is extraordinary.

-It's just a habit.

0:06:180:06:22

-How long have you been coming here?

-Oh. Oh, nearly 50 years.

0:06:220:06:26

-That's a lot of Wednesdays.

-Not as many as it might be.

0:06:260:06:30

I'm a strict observer of holidays.

0:06:300:06:33

-Nice view?

-Sorry?

0:06:560:06:59

Can you get all of that, or would you like me to move for you?

0:06:590:07:02

What are you talking about, darling?

0:07:030:07:06

(LAUGHS) You are so pathetic.

0:07:060:07:09

-Oh, good God!

-Yeah, isn't he?

-She should be careful.

0:07:090:07:12

In case some pervy man were to stare at her pants?

0:07:120:07:15

-W-Well, yeah.

-Yeah. I saw you.

0:07:150:07:18

-Saw me what?

-Staring at her.

0:07:180:07:21

Staring at her pants.

0:07:210:07:23

That's ridiculous.

0:07:230:07:25

-She's very beautiful.

-Do you think?

-Yeah.

0:07:250:07:28

Young, pert. And what is it you and your mates say?

0:07:280:07:32

-About what?

-Stomach like a snare drum.

0:07:320:07:34

-We-We-We don't say that.

-Right.

0:07:340:07:37

So what were you looking at, then?

0:07:370:07:40

Cos I saw you.

0:07:400:07:42

Oh! Oh, that!

0:07:420:07:44

Oh, God, did you think I...?

0:07:440:07:47

Oh, that's - that's funny. No, it was...

0:07:470:07:49

-It was her book.

-Oh, right. Her book.

0:07:490:07:52

-Yeah.

-Right.

0:07:520:07:55

And what book would that be, then?

0:07:550:07:58

(IN ENGLISH ACCENT) "Le... tranger".

0:07:590:08:03

-"L'Etranger".

-Er, yeah.

0:08:030:08:06

-You know it, do you?

-Oh, it's seminal.

0:08:070:08:10

-Albert Camus, unless I'm mistaken.

-It is, yeah.

0:08:100:08:14

Made quite an impact on me as a teenager.

0:08:140:08:17

-Really?

-Oh!

-Camoo! Camoo...

0:08:170:08:20

Yeah, that book, er, changed my life.

0:08:200:08:24

I noticed she was reading it, and thought,

0:08:240:08:26

"Well, you don't see it about that often".

0:08:260:08:30

What's it about, then?

0:08:300:08:31

-Sorry?

-This book that changed your life. What's it about?

0:08:310:08:35

-I'm not gonna get into that now.

-Oh, come on.

0:08:350:08:37

-The book that changed my husband's life, I should know about.

-(SIGHS)

0:08:370:08:41

Go on. You know I love a good story.

0:08:410:08:43

Well, you know, it's, er...

0:08:430:08:45

-It's French.

-Mm.

0:08:460:08:49

-About a man who is an... etranger.

-Right.

0:08:490:08:53

-A stranger, basically.

-Yeah.

0:08:530:08:55

Anyway, he goes on quite an adventure.

0:08:550:08:58

You know, new man in town, the locals are difficult to break.

0:08:580:09:02

-Mm-hm.

-He starts off as a stranger,

0:09:020:09:05

and through a series of beautifully-crafted events

0:09:050:09:08

he eventually becomes accepted as the new...

0:09:080:09:12

..sheriff.

0:09:130:09:16

Sheriff?

0:09:160:09:18

Yeah. It's kinda like a...

0:09:190:09:22

..French... western.

0:09:220:09:24

-Well, that does sound life-changing.

-Yeah, it was.

-Mm, mm.

0:09:290:09:33

Molly? Molly, what are you...?

0:09:370:09:39

I'm so sorry to disturb you,

0:09:410:09:43

-but I was just wondering if you could help me.

-Of course.

0:09:430:09:46

-We should leave her alone.

-She doesn't mind. Do you?

0:09:460:09:49

-No, I don't mind.

-All the same...

-What can I do for you?

0:09:490:09:52

-I couldn't help noticing the book you're reading.

-Really?

0:09:520:09:55

-"L'Etranger"?

-Oui.

-It's truly a wonderful piece of writing.

0:09:550:09:59

Well, do you know what? My husband was just saying so.

0:09:590:10:02

-Really? You know it?

-Oh, yeah. I mean, I read it. A few years ago.

0:10:020:10:07

Isn't Meursault an extraordinary character?

0:10:070:10:09

His inability to lie,

0:10:090:10:12

and his ability to live so much in the present.

0:10:120:10:15

Amazing creation.

0:10:150:10:17

Er, yeah.

0:10:170:10:20

And still he ends up...

0:10:200:10:23

sheriff.

0:10:230:10:25

-Sorry?

-Jesus!

-No, I was just saying, isn't it remarkable,

0:10:250:10:28

-that he can be so truthful and still wind up as sheriff.

-Molly.

0:10:280:10:34

He just clears up that town, don't he?

0:10:340:10:36

-I think you... may have the book a little confused.

-Oh, really?

0:10:360:10:41

Well, yes.

0:10:410:10:43

This is a book about the, er,

0:10:430:10:46

fundamental existential crisis of a man

0:10:460:10:49

unable to live under the restrictions

0:10:490:10:52

society imposes upon him, upon all of us.

0:10:520:10:55

So... it's not a western?

0:11:000:11:04

(WHISPERS) No.

0:11:040:11:06

-Is there something wrong?

-We should leave now.

0:11:110:11:16

Actually, no, no, no. Come here.

0:11:180:11:20

Erm, I'd actually like to apologise on behalf of my husband.

0:11:200:11:24

-Apologise?

-Yeah. I'm afraid he's been staring at your pants.

0:11:240:11:27

For God's sake, Molly. Sorry about my wife. She's had too much sun.

0:11:270:11:32

No, it's my husband who's been affected by the heat.

0:11:320:11:35

But a little bit of advice for you. Next time you're sunbathing here,

0:11:350:11:39

you might wanna be more careful. It's full... of perverts.

0:11:390:11:43

Pack up the things. We're going now.

0:11:430:11:45

I'm really very sorry.

0:11:530:11:56

(GIGGLES)

0:12:010:12:03

I should...

0:12:050:12:07

Were you really looking at me?

0:12:090:12:11

Yes.

0:12:140:12:16

Yes, yes, I was.

0:12:160:12:18

Well...

0:12:190:12:22

That is quite frightening.

0:12:220:12:24

Oh, God. This is...

0:12:240:12:26

Look, I'm gonna... I really am very sorry.

0:12:280:12:31

-She gets jealous.

-When you stare at girls' underwear?

0:12:310:12:34

Well, I don't very often stare, but... yeah.

0:12:340:12:39

I suppose in such a circumstance she would manifest jealousy.

0:12:390:12:45

-And what about you?

-Me?

-You. Are you the jealous type?

0:12:450:12:49

-Oh, God, no. Molly can stare at who she likes. It's fine.

-Really?

0:12:490:12:54

Well, apart from Jude Law, but that's more of a... talent issue.

0:12:540:12:59

Look, I'm gonna...

0:12:590:13:01

I really am very, very sorry.

0:13:010:13:05

Would you...

0:13:060:13:08

Would you like to look again?

0:13:080:13:11

Sorry?

0:13:130:13:16

Would you like to have another look?

0:13:160:13:18

-Sorry, another look at...

-Yes.

0:13:230:13:27

Erm...

0:13:270:13:29

We all need a look now and again. Like Meursault in the heat.

0:13:290:13:34

Yes,... like Meurs...

0:13:350:13:39

(WHISPERS) Thank you.

0:14:030:14:06

-Is that the right thing to...?

-Why not?

0:14:060:14:09

You're welcome.

0:14:100:14:12

Molly!

0:14:440:14:46

So, tell me, why did you break the habit?

0:14:490:14:53

-Break it?

-Yes, it's Thursday.

0:14:530:14:56

-Thursday?

-Yes.

0:14:560:14:59

-Are you sure?

-Yes, of course.

0:14:590:15:02

-No, no. It's definitely Wednesday.

-Oh, no, no, it can't be.

0:15:040:15:08

-Oh?

-Because I always come here on Thursdays.

0:15:080:15:12

Are you being... a wag?

0:15:130:15:16

(LAUGHS) No, no. I come to this bench

0:15:160:15:18

to look at that view on Thursdays.

0:15:180:15:21

So, er, it must be Thursday.

0:15:210:15:24

Or one of us has got it wrong.

0:15:260:15:28

(LAUGHS)

0:15:280:15:31

What are you gonna do?

0:15:480:15:50

-You want me to go?

-I want you to make a decision!

0:15:520:15:55

OK. OK, fine, I will.

0:15:550:15:58

If I go, then...

0:16:010:16:03

You bore me, Ludo, you bore me.

0:16:050:16:07

-I bore you?

-You bore me to death. I'm so bored. I'm bored right now.

0:16:070:16:11

-You're unbelievable!

-You said. It's not interesting.

0:16:110:16:14

Now make a fucking decision!

0:16:140:16:16

And make sure it's not a dull one.

0:16:160:16:19

You're making me do this.

0:16:230:16:26

Take responsibility for yourself.

0:16:290:16:31

You alright? You alright, love?

0:17:000:17:03

It's just, I was walking by, I couldn't help but notice you,

0:17:050:17:08

staring out into the middle distance a bit like a nutter.

0:17:080:17:12

I mean, look, if you are a nutter, enough said.

0:17:120:17:14

But you don't strike me as your bona fide mental.

0:17:140:17:17

I haven't actually met any real-deal headcases but they don't generally

0:17:180:17:22

look like you, I've seen them on the TV. And if they did look like you,

0:17:220:17:26

then I'd be down there smeared in my own shit

0:17:260:17:29

quicker than you could say, "Pass me your underpants, nurse".

0:17:290:17:33

Er...

0:17:360:17:37

Look, if I've misjudged things, then, erm...

0:17:370:17:40

-Sorry.

-You for real?

0:17:430:17:47

She speaks.

0:17:470:17:49

-I speak.

-Which is good to know.

0:17:500:17:53

What did you mean, right, when you said if they all look like me?

0:17:530:17:57

-Sorry?

-What exactly do I look like?

0:17:570:18:00

Well, er, you're a... You're a good-looking bird.

0:18:000:18:04

-A yummy mummy?

-Well, yeah, if you like.

0:18:040:18:07

-I don't have kids.

-Well, that's even better.

0:18:070:18:10

-Is it?

-Yeah, yeah.

-Do you have kids?

0:18:100:18:13

Bloody hell! I haven't even bought you a drink yet.

0:18:130:18:16

-You're too young to be a father.

-I am.

0:18:170:18:20

-How old?

-25.

0:18:200:18:22

-No, that's not too young.

-Maybe it's not too young,

0:18:220:18:25

-but it's definitely young.

-Compared to what?

-Er, to what?

0:18:250:18:28

You, you're young. Compared to what?

0:18:280:18:31

Erm...

0:18:310:18:33

Er... The telephone.

0:18:330:18:36

Yeah, I'm definitely young compared to the telephone.

0:18:360:18:39

(LAUGHS) You are.

0:18:400:18:43

(BOTH LAUGH)

0:18:430:18:46

-So, what are you young compared to?

-What's that?

0:18:460:18:49

I said what's old compared to you?

0:18:490:18:52

What kind of fucking question is that?

0:18:540:18:57

What?

0:18:570:18:59

What kind of moronic fucking question is that?!

0:19:000:19:03

It was your moronic fucking question.

0:19:030:19:07

I just... It's OK. You can leave now.

0:19:180:19:21

Oh. Oh, can I?

0:19:210:19:23

-Yeah, you can go now.

-Oh, right. OK.

0:19:230:19:26

So, you're alright, then?

0:19:270:19:29

Fine. Thanks for your concern.

0:19:290:19:32

(EXHALES)

0:19:350:19:37

My name's Noel. (CLEARS THROAT)

0:19:390:19:41

-Noel?

-Yeah. As in, er, Gallagher.

0:19:420:19:46

And Edmonds.

0:19:460:19:49

Oh. God.

0:19:490:19:52

-(LAUGHS)

-Crushes.

0:19:520:19:54

-(BOTH LAUGH)

-What's your name?

0:19:540:19:57

-Anna.

-Oh, as in Kournikova.

0:19:570:20:01

As in, I'd quite like to spend some time by myself. No offence.

0:20:010:20:04

-OK, none taken. I'll leave you to it.

-Thanks for your concern.

0:20:040:20:08

It's a'right. You already did that.

0:20:080:20:10

What are you doing?

0:20:280:20:31

I'm leaving you to it, yeah?

0:20:320:20:35

OK? Now, if you don't mind,

0:20:350:20:38

be quiet, because I need some still.

0:20:380:20:41

Mm?

0:20:420:20:44

You have got some front.

0:20:470:20:49

(BOTH LAUGH)

0:20:490:20:51

You know, you shouldn't be feeding me lines like that.

0:20:510:20:55

-Are you seriously not gonna leave?

-No.

0:20:570:21:00

-I could scream.

-So, scream.

0:21:000:21:02

I could get you arrested. I could say that you tried to touch me.

0:21:040:21:08

Well, if I'm going down for it...

0:21:140:21:16

You know what? I think I'm punching above my weight.

0:21:180:21:21

I'm just gonna leave you to it. I'm sorry.

0:21:210:21:25

You can stay.

0:21:280:21:30

Yeah?

0:21:340:21:36

Don't mind if I do.

0:21:390:21:41

What makes you think that someone like you

0:21:430:21:46

has any chance whatsoever with someone like me?

0:21:460:21:48

Y'know, I don't remember asking if I did.

0:21:490:21:52

-Come on, you've been drooling since you saw me.

-I have not.

0:21:520:21:55

I just... saw a girl who looked upset

0:21:550:21:58

and I made sure that she was alright and then I decided

0:21:580:22:01

to do a spot of meditation. And there was no drool involved.

0:22:010:22:04

You are out of your mind.

0:22:040:22:07

Seriously, yeah? You're fucking with my chi.

0:22:070:22:10

Molly!

0:22:210:22:22

Oh, come on, Molly!

0:22:240:22:26

(INHALES DEEPLY)

0:22:270:22:31

-My boyfriend just left me.

-Where?

0:22:320:22:36

-Here, just now. Ludo.

-Ludo? What, as in the...? (LAUGHS)

0:22:370:22:42

-As in boring, middle-aged twat. Shut up.

-(BOTH LAUGH)

0:22:420:22:46

Has anybody ever told you that you have great eyes?

0:22:590:23:02

-Oh, sorry. Are we in Stringfellows?

-No, really, you do.

-Make an effort.

0:23:020:23:06

No, you do. You have great eyes.

0:23:060:23:08

-Which is lucky.

-Lucky?

-Yeah.

0:23:090:23:12

-Because they pull focus from your nose.

-What's wrong with my nose?

0:23:120:23:15

Nothing's wrong with it. You have a great fuckin' nose.

0:23:150:23:18

-Are you seriously trying to tell me I've got a big nose?

-Not big.

0:23:180:23:22

-Well, what, then?

-What I'm sayin' is that

0:23:220:23:26

it doesn't matter what kind of nose you have, because those eyes

0:23:260:23:29

-will always overpower it.

-Overpower?!

-Erm...

0:23:290:23:33

You happen to have a beautiful nose. My point is, those eyes are so good,

0:23:330:23:36

even if you had a ridiculous nose, it wouldn't matter, which you don't.

0:23:360:23:41

But if you did, I wouldn't notice, which I didn't until now.

0:23:410:23:45

And now I look, it's a great nose. Yeah, it's great.

0:23:450:23:48

-You have a great nose.

-You've just got no idea who you're dealing with.

0:23:480:23:54

-I'm damaged!

-We're all damaged, babe.

0:23:550:23:59

Who the fuck do you think you are?!

0:23:590:24:01

Arriving out of nowhere, asking me personal questions,

0:24:020:24:05

when clearly I'm upset about something, which, incidentally,

0:24:050:24:09

has fuck all to do with you. And then you sit here next to me,

0:24:090:24:12

you sit there... Me, an attractive, single, vulnerable woman.

0:24:120:24:16

..and tell me I've got a beautiful nose. How fucking dare you?!

0:24:160:24:20

-Yeah, I'm sorry.

-What?

0:24:200:24:23

I'm sorry. Erm...

0:24:230:24:25

-I'm sorry that I complimented you. It was very insensitive of me.

-Yes!

0:24:250:24:29

-It was a crap line!

-Oy...

-Not a hint of originality.

0:24:290:24:34

Crap men are one thing, but crap lines are unforgivable.

0:24:340:24:38

OK, OK! The whole thing was a line. All of this was a line, you know?

0:24:380:24:42

-I saw you rowing with, er, Monopoly.

-Ludo.

0:24:420:24:46

Yeah, with him. OK? And I thought, you know, "She is very, very fit".

0:24:460:24:50

And... And very, very vulnerable.

0:24:500:24:52

And I am very, very horny. So, yeah, you're right.

0:24:520:24:56

-I know I'm right.

-So, you are.

0:24:560:24:58

-I know.

-So, how did I do?

0:24:580:25:00

-Shit.

-Well, you can't blame me for trying.

0:25:000:25:03

-You can't blame me for telling you to fuck off.

-No.

-So, go on, then.

0:25:030:25:07

Well, erm...

0:25:110:25:14

You didn't scream.

0:25:140:25:16

-You're right.

-I am?

0:25:170:25:20

-Let's do it.

-Do it? What are you sayin'?

0:25:200:25:23

-I'm saying I wanna fuck you.

-You're saying that you wanna...?

0:25:230:25:28

-I wanna fuck you.

-You're saying...

-I wanna fuck you.

0:25:280:25:31

You need to stop sayin' that because now you're really confusing me.

0:25:310:25:35

I wasn't coming over here to ask if you wanted...

0:25:350:25:38

-I was gonna ask if you wanted to go for a drink.

-I told you I want...

0:25:380:25:41

To fuck me. Yeah, yeah.

0:25:410:25:44

Oh. Oh.

0:25:440:25:46

-Do you?

-As a rule, I like not to ask more than a dozen times.

0:25:470:25:51

Right, yeah. OK, OK.

0:25:510:25:54

-What, really?

-I wanna have sex with you.

0:25:540:25:57

-With me?

-Yeah, I wanna fuck you.

0:25:580:26:01

You're not being mental again? So what you sayin'?

0:26:020:26:05

All the... lines that... Those crap lines, actually, they all worked?

0:26:050:26:09

-No, they were shit.

-Oh.

-If you'd said nothing,

0:26:090:26:12

-I'd have fucked you earlier.

-Jesus.

-I thought for a moment

0:26:120:26:15

-you might interest me, but there was nothing.

-That's wonderful.

0:26:150:26:19

Well, we'll see what it is. Come on.

0:26:190:26:21

Well, um, what, now?

0:26:210:26:23

OK. Erm, right. Well, where do you live?

0:26:260:26:28

-Cos I'm, er, like a bus ride away...

-Here.

-Here?

0:26:280:26:31

-What? Now?

-Right here.

0:26:310:26:35

-Here?

-There.

0:26:350:26:38

Wh... Wh...

0:26:400:26:41

Errr...

0:26:430:26:45

-Can you do these?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

0:26:460:26:48

-Bit stuck. Bit stuck.

-You wanna do this, right?

-Yeah, yeah, yeah. Wait.

0:26:520:26:57

Oh, yeah!

0:27:030:27:05

What?

0:27:080:27:09

You can fuck off.

0:27:110:27:13

You bore me.

0:27:170:27:19

(DOG GROWLS)

0:27:230:27:25

-Fuck off!

-(DOG BARKS)

0:27:250:27:27

What you want from me?

0:27:270:27:29

(DOG BARKS IN DISTANCE)

0:27:290:27:32

I've often wondered about Cheryl and Brian.

0:27:460:27:50

Who?

0:27:500:27:52

-Ah.

-Do you think they were happy?

0:27:550:27:57

Well, who knows?

0:27:570:28:00

At least they were together.

0:28:000:28:02

Ahh, is that happiness?

0:28:020:28:05

Well, I suppose we'll never know about them.

0:28:060:28:09

Well, I think they met during the War.

0:28:090:28:12

And he went off to fight in France,

0:28:130:28:16

and she stayed behind in London,

0:28:160:28:18

slaving away in the munitions factories,

0:28:180:28:22

both of them wondering when or if they would see one another again.

0:28:220:28:26

An intense and terrifying start,

0:28:260:28:30

which propelled them through the hardships

0:28:300:28:33

and the difficulties, and on. Like a fully taut bow and arrow.

0:28:330:28:38

The greater the tension before it launches,

0:28:380:28:41

the further it goes. Well, I think love's like that.

0:28:410:28:45

And I've always felt

0:28:450:28:47

Cheryl and Brian achieved great distance because of it.

0:28:470:28:50

Other people's stories are always fascinating.

0:28:540:28:58

Have you achieved great distance?

0:29:020:29:05

We have now. She's dead, and I'm in Cricklewood.

0:29:060:29:09

-Oh, I'm sorry.

-No, it's OK.

0:29:090:29:11

-Has a wonderful dentist.

-Cricklewood?

-Oh, heaven.

0:29:130:29:17

-But such very long waiting lists.

-(LAUGHS) Yes.

0:29:170:29:20

What about you?

0:29:210:29:23

Tommy died five years ago.

0:29:240:29:27

-43 years of marriage.

-Oh, well done.

0:29:270:29:30

He was a sweet man.

0:29:320:29:34

A very sweet man.

0:29:340:29:37

But this bench was my little secret.

0:29:380:29:41

I never came here with him in all those years.

0:29:410:29:44

There was a time in the early '80s

0:29:440:29:47

when he thought I was having an affair,

0:29:470:29:49

because I wouldn't tell him where this place was.

0:29:490:29:52

I used to tell him I was visiting my son. Anything, just to get here.

0:29:520:29:56

It was always important to me to have my little place.

0:29:560:30:00

My little bench. My little view.

0:30:000:30:03

-You have a son?

-Yes.

0:30:030:30:06

Oh, he's in his 40s now.

0:30:060:30:08

Eddie.

0:30:080:30:10

Oh. Oh, that's my name.

0:30:100:30:12

So, why here? Why this bench?

0:30:150:30:18

There was a boy. We were 17.

0:30:240:30:27

We only met twice. We met here.

0:30:270:30:29

I was engaged to Tommy. He was engaged to...

0:30:310:30:34

I don't remember her name. And things...

0:30:340:30:37

They were different times.

0:30:400:30:42

-Teresa.

-What?

0:30:470:30:49

The woman... he was engaged to.

0:30:510:30:54

She was called Teresa.

0:30:570:30:59

And... he was called Eddie.

0:31:070:31:09

And she was called...

0:31:130:31:16

..Iris.

0:31:160:31:18

-He's not your type.

-How would you know?

0:32:300:32:33

You're my partner. It's not the same thing at all.

0:32:340:32:36

-He is.

-(LAUGHS)

0:32:360:32:41

God, you're not wrong there.

0:32:420:32:45

Why are you always reading?

0:32:480:32:50

-Why?

-Yeah. Why?

-You know what, Billy? You should read some more.

0:32:500:32:54

You might learn something about yourself.

0:32:540:32:56

There's nothing I need to learn about myself that he couldn't teach me.

0:32:580:33:03

-Fair point.

-(LAUGHS)

0:33:080:33:11

I met this guy the other night.

0:33:110:33:14

-Oh, yeah?

-He had one of those smiles.

0:33:140:33:16

That says, "I have no self-respect"?

0:33:160:33:18

No, the sort that says "I'll give you the best blow job you've ever had."

0:33:180:33:22

Oh, that one.

0:33:220:33:24

-And did he?

-Come on, there are rules.

0:33:270:33:31

-The rules.

-There've gotta be rules, Bri.

0:33:310:33:34

-You dirty bastard.

-You fucking love it.

0:33:340:33:37

Look, I've been thinking...

0:33:420:33:45

I told you. Two's company.

0:33:450:33:48

I know, and three's a night out, but it's not about that.

0:33:480:33:51

-You're not talking about sex?

-No.

-They said this day would come.

0:33:510:33:54

-You're gonna let me have a garden?

-I'm not spending the rest of my days

0:33:540:33:58

-in "The Good Life".

-Oh, "The Good Life".

0:33:580:34:00

-When I was a kid, I used to really fancy Penelope Keith.

-Margo?

0:34:000:34:04

Yes. She's got a touch of the Maggie Thatchers.

0:34:040:34:07

-Oh, you were so confused.

-And you fancied Richard Briers?

0:34:070:34:10

Oh, don't be sick.

0:34:100:34:12

-Felicity Kendal every time.

-Fuck off.

-No, seriously. Those dungarees, man.

0:34:120:34:16

If I met her today, I'd still love to have a go.

0:34:160:34:19

You should spend less time being nostalgic.

0:34:200:34:22

-Nothing wrong with nostalgia.

-A little bit, maybe,

0:34:220:34:26

-but you can be nostalgic about breakfast.

-I told you, read more.

0:34:260:34:29

Penelope Keith? What a minger!

0:34:290:34:32

-Well, let's face it. We've never had the same taste in women.

-Ah.

0:34:360:34:40

-So, what were you thinking?

-When?

0:34:400:34:43

Just now. You said you'd been thinking.

0:34:440:34:47

Or has that thought already nestled itself

0:34:470:34:49

in one of the empty corners of your mind? Imagine the millions

0:34:490:34:53

of tiny thoughts there must be scrabbling around,

0:34:530:34:56

looking for a way out before their last gasping breath deserts them

0:34:560:34:59

and they become another distant memory of a once half-decent idea.

0:34:590:35:03

You should read less.

0:35:030:35:06

I know. I promise, as soon as you commit to me for life,

0:35:060:35:09

I absolutely will.

0:35:090:35:11

(SIGHS)

0:35:400:35:42

Ohh.

0:35:590:36:01

Yes, yes, yes, yes. Come to Daddy.

0:36:010:36:04

-Oh, yeah.

-Alright. What do you reckon?

0:36:120:36:15

-Jesus Christ!

-Bit of a monster, eh? Come on.

0:36:150:36:17

Oi, oi, oi! No, no. No means no.

0:36:170:36:22

-You walked in with your dick out.

-That's cos I need a piss.

0:36:220:36:25

-Well, go somewhere else. Some of us have sex here.

-Christ! Urgh!

0:36:250:36:30

-Where the hell have you been?

-I think I get to ask the questions.

0:36:350:36:40

-Dirty little...

-Aren't you?

0:36:410:36:43

Hello.

0:36:440:36:46

-Where's Eve?

-She's just coming.

0:36:510:36:55

(SIGHS) I still need a piss.

0:36:550:36:58

You don't have to pretend to me. It's the 21st Century.

0:36:580:37:01

-It doesn't have the stigma it used to have.

-Very funny.

0:37:010:37:05

Give us a kiss.

0:37:050:37:07

-You've always been the greatest kisser.

-Thanks.

0:37:120:37:15

You're not so bad yourself. Shame your friend never found out.

0:37:150:37:18

We can drop that now. Any time you like.

0:37:180:37:21

Ahhh. Come on, Eve. Daddy needs a wee-wee.

0:37:210:37:25

-Go and find another hedge.

-No chance! No way.

0:37:250:37:28

I fail to see how some men can find sex with men in any way appealing.

0:37:280:37:34

Struggle to see how women can.

0:37:340:37:36

You underestimate your immense sexual magnetism.

0:37:360:37:39

-I'm not the only one.

-Oh, poor baby, not getting any?

0:37:390:37:42

(BOTH LAUGH)

0:37:420:37:45

Look, before Eve gets here, I brought the papers. You?

0:37:460:37:50

Yeah.

0:37:500:37:53

Decree absolute. Feels very final.

0:37:540:37:57

-Isn't that the point?

-I suppose so.

0:37:570:38:01

Do you, Sara Louise Williams,

0:38:030:38:05

hereby agree to never laying any claim

0:38:050:38:08

to the life and emotions of this man, Peter Brian Maxwell?

0:38:080:38:14

-I do.

-Mm.

0:38:140:38:16

And do you, Peter Brian Maxwell,

0:38:160:38:20

hereby consent to never ringing up this woman, Sara Louise Williams,

0:38:200:38:25

after you've had a few beers and are in desperate need of a bunk-up?

0:38:250:38:29

I...

0:38:300:38:32

I do, I do, I do. Christ, that hurt.

0:38:330:38:36

-Well, maybe we could break the rules once in a while.

-Oh, just the once?

0:38:370:38:41

-Oh, what about Saturdays when...

-Daddy!

0:38:410:38:43

-Daddy.

-Hello, gorgeous. How's my little princess?

0:38:450:38:49

Mummy bought me a brand-new bicycle.

0:38:490:38:52

-Wow! Is it wonderful?

-It's the best bicycle in the world.

0:38:520:38:56

That's what happens when mummies and daddies get divorced.

0:38:560:38:59

-The children get lovely presents.

-I like your divorce.

0:38:590:39:02

-I think Mummy is much happier.

-Is she? Well, so is Daddy,

0:39:020:39:07

-which makes you a very lucky little girl.

-Why am I lucky?

0:39:070:39:10

Well, because you have a mummy and a daddy who are...

0:39:100:39:14

..who are very happy.

0:39:140:39:17

Bet none of your friends can say that.

0:39:170:39:19

I love you, Mummy, but I want two mummies like Amy.

0:39:210:39:24

-Mm.

-(LAUGHS) Do you know what a dyke is?

0:39:240:39:26

What? It's a d... dam. Well, it's a big hill.

0:39:260:39:31

Holds lots of water.

0:39:310:39:33

Water. Do you know what? Can we walk a little bit, love?

0:39:330:39:36

Cos Daddy really needs to find a toilet.

0:39:360:39:39

-She's seven.

-Yeah, right.

0:39:400:39:42

-Dam. Damn's not a nice word.

-Oh, come on.

0:39:420:39:45

Damn this. Damn that.

0:39:450:39:47

Well, every Wednesday.

0:39:510:39:54

For nearly 50 years.

0:39:540:39:56

Huh. Shall we, erm...?

0:39:560:40:00

Shall we what?

0:40:000:40:03

Well, I don't know. We could, erm...

0:40:030:40:06

-What?

-Attack the summit.

0:40:060:40:08

Mm?

0:40:080:40:10

Gosh.

0:40:120:40:14

-It's a long time since...

-Me, too.

0:40:150:40:19

(SIGHS)

0:40:400:40:43

So, how does it feel?

0:40:430:40:45

Well, it feels like I haven't pissed in a month.

0:40:450:40:48

-I meant about being divorced.

-Oh. (LAUGHS) Feels good.

0:40:480:40:52

I knew.

0:40:520:40:55

Knew what?

0:40:550:40:57

We were marrying for the wrong reasons.

0:40:570:41:00

What was it about us tying the knot that just stopped everything?

0:41:010:41:06

I - I think we just ran out of things to say.

0:41:070:41:10

And it often happens in a relationship.

0:41:100:41:13

Some people get to the point where they say things like,

0:41:140:41:17

"I've met someone else" or "I just can't do this any more".

0:41:170:41:21

And I went for,

0:41:210:41:23

"Will you marry me?"

0:41:230:41:26

And you went for, "Yes."

0:41:260:41:29

The wedding didn't stop anything. It stopped years before. We both knew.

0:41:290:41:34

(SIGHS)

0:41:350:41:37

But that wedding night, though...

0:41:370:41:40

-Ho-ho! That was something else, you animal!

-(LAUGHS)

0:41:400:41:44

-(BOTH LAUGH)

-I was angry. I mean, well, nothing beats angry sex.

0:41:440:41:49

-Yeah, I was furious.

-You're not joking.

0:41:490:41:52

See, that's where we went wrong. I've worked it all out.

0:41:520:41:55

I've spent a lot of time thinking about it on the loo. The thing is,

0:41:550:41:58

we got married and then we got wound up.

0:41:580:42:01

And we should've got angrier much earlier. (GROWLS)

0:42:010:42:04

-You're insane.

-No, I'm happy.

0:42:040:42:07

And I haven't had sex in a year.

0:42:070:42:11

A year? Who was that?

0:42:110:42:13

It was you. There was only you.

0:42:130:42:16

I know.

0:42:160:42:18

-Shame sex isn't enough.

-Yeah, shame, indeed.

0:42:180:42:22

Oh! Yeah, yeah, yeah. Come to Daddy. Ohh.

0:42:240:42:28

Yes, yes, yes.

0:42:280:42:30

No, no. Was it here you dropped it? Yeah?

0:42:300:42:35

Er, I can't find it now.

0:42:350:42:37

It's gone. No. No.

0:42:370:42:41

-Bollocks, bollocks. Bollocks, no.

-(LAUGHS)

-I hate beautiful girls.

0:42:410:42:45

-If she was ugly...

-I love the fact I know nothing about men's minds.

0:42:450:42:49

-Never overestimate us.

-Oh, I don't.

0:42:490:42:51

My mother told me something once when I was a child.

0:42:510:42:54

The only thing she ever truly did tell me.

0:42:540:42:56

If you want to know the way to a man's heart,

0:42:560:42:59

-it's simple...

-Yeah, through his stomach.

0:42:590:43:01

-Through his shirt with a bread knife.

-Ouch!

0:43:010:43:03

-This is for you, Daddy.

-Oh, thank you, baby.

0:43:030:43:06

Pete, there is one thing I would like to know.

0:43:090:43:11

Look, we're fickle, sexually-frustrated liars

0:43:110:43:14

who think that settling down is the same as settling for.

0:43:140:43:18

-I mean about us.

-Oh?

0:43:180:43:20

Well, you're still the most attractive man I've ever met,

0:43:220:43:25

you make me laugh, you're a great dad, you earn good money,...

0:43:250:43:30

..and yet I still know you're wrong.

0:43:310:43:34

-Well.

-Well, what?

0:43:370:43:40

Look, I have no idea what's right for you,

0:43:400:43:44

or, for that matter, what's right for me.

0:43:440:43:47

-Maybe I'm too picky.

-Oh, don't be too hard on yourself.

0:43:480:43:52

-We both know that we know nothing.

-Except one thing.

-What?

0:43:520:43:55

-That we both want this divorce.

-Except that. Come here.

0:43:550:44:00

Ah, yeah.

0:44:050:44:07

Ooh.

0:44:070:44:09

-How you doin', big man?

-No.

0:44:090:44:13

For God's sake.

0:44:140:44:16

Ahhh.

0:44:190:44:22

-(TRICKLING)

-Oh, yeah. Oh!

0:44:220:44:26

Uh. Uh-huh. Mm-hm.

0:44:260:44:29

Hallelujah. Hallelujah.

0:44:290:44:32

Ahh.

0:44:320:44:35

Ahhhh.

0:44:350:44:36

-Better?

-(MIMICS SEAN CONNERY) Oh, yes, better.

0:44:430:44:46

(BOTH LAUGH)

0:44:460:44:49

Love you.

0:44:490:44:51

I love you, too.

0:44:510:44:53

Come on, baby. Come on.

0:44:580:45:00

There you go. Ohh! Give Mummy a kiss.

0:45:000:45:04

You're spending the day with Daddy!

0:45:070:45:09

Now, don't run, don't run. I can't catch up with you.

0:45:110:45:14

-Come on!

-Not too far.

0:45:150:45:18

It was a beautiful day.

0:45:400:45:43

I wanted a big do, but Tommy found all that embarrassing,

0:45:430:45:46

so we ended up with a few friends in the old civic hall in Belsize Park.

0:45:460:45:50

Oh, God, I used to play darts in there.

0:45:500:45:53

We had a huge wedding. You know, church, reception.

0:45:540:45:58

All the trappings. I've always liked a do.

0:45:580:46:01

I'm finding this very odd.

0:46:060:46:09

Mm. Isn't it?

0:46:090:46:11

You know, I can really see you now. You have the same...

0:46:130:46:17

That thing you do with the corner of your mouth.

0:46:170:46:20

Maybe it would've been better if we'd, you know,

0:46:270:46:31

died, not knowing.

0:46:310:46:34

-Knowing what?

-Can I tell you something?

0:46:340:46:39

Shall we stop walking, or is this something I can take in my stride?

0:46:390:46:42

No, no, no. Momentum plays a great part in my life,

0:46:420:46:46

and I'd very much like to get to the top of that summit.

0:46:460:46:49

I think you're right. If we stop now, we might need a push.

0:46:490:46:53

So, what was it you wanted to tell me?

0:46:550:46:58

You've always been my perfect woman.

0:47:000:47:03

-You stopped.

-I know.

0:47:030:47:06

I think that was because I wasn't real.

0:47:090:47:12

Hm. But you are now.

0:47:120:47:15

Well,...

0:47:150:47:17

..they do say you should never come face to face with fantasy.

0:47:170:47:21

Wednesdays and Thursdays.

0:47:210:47:24

You know, I can't believe this is the first time I got the day wrong.

0:47:240:47:28

I mean, was it fate? You know, was it planned like this?

0:47:280:47:31

-I mean, why?

-So that for 50 years you could be 17 and handsome.

0:47:310:47:35

Do you think we're ever gonna get to the top?

0:47:370:47:40

Up there where the kites live?

0:47:400:47:42

It'd be silly not to try. I mean, on a day like this.

0:47:420:47:45

I used to spend a lot of time up there, but it suddenly got steeper.

0:47:450:47:49

I think it was some time in the early '90s.

0:47:490:47:51

Yes, yes, that's right. Did they do it deliberately,

0:47:510:47:54

so us oldies would have to put up with the inferior view?

0:47:540:47:58

Well, I should like to defeat them.

0:47:580:48:01

Right, give me a few steps. I'll get into my rhythm.

0:48:010:48:05

(MOBILE RINGS)

0:48:450:48:47

-Hello. Now, where might you be?

-"Were you looking at that girl?"

0:48:490:48:54

-Yeah.

-"Do you think she was nice?"

0:48:540:48:57

Yeah, she was. Very nice.

0:48:580:49:01

Where the hell are you? You're late. I booked you for 3 o'clock.

0:49:010:49:04

-"Well, I'm a busy girl."

-You spying on me?

-"Maybe."

0:49:040:49:09

OK, I'm busted. Where are you?

0:49:090:49:11

Hello?

0:49:130:49:15

-Hello?

-I've only been away a week, and already you're window-shopping.

0:49:150:49:20

(LAUGHS)

0:49:200:49:23

Come here, you gorgeous thing.

0:49:230:49:25

-It's good to see you.

-You, too.

0:49:270:49:30

Are we walking or sitting?

0:49:300:49:32

Let's see.

0:49:320:49:35

-I'm feeling a walk.

-OK.

0:49:360:49:39

-So, how was the funeral?

-It went very well.

0:49:420:49:46

My grandfather always used to say to me,

0:49:460:49:48

"You stay in the game long enough, the cards'll eventually turn up."

0:49:480:49:52

-The lottery of life.

-He sounds like a wise man.

0:49:520:49:56

He was. And he was killed by the thing he loved.

0:49:560:49:59

Great way to go. Shame it was a train.

0:49:590:50:02

But he died happy.

0:50:020:50:04

-I just hope he got the number.

-(LAUGHS)

0:50:040:50:07

Have you ever thought about it?

0:50:080:50:10

-What?

-How you'd like to die?

0:50:100:50:13

-Have you?

-God, yes.

0:50:140:50:16

I've narrowed it down to two exits.

0:50:160:50:19

Peacefully in my sleep,

0:50:190:50:21

or drowned in a Jacuzzi after an overdose of champagne

0:50:210:50:24

poured down my throat by Thierry Henry.

0:50:240:50:27

-(LAUGHS) You be careful what you wish for.

-I'm safe. He's married.

0:50:270:50:30

-He's a footballer.

-He's not the affair type.

0:50:300:50:33

-He's a French footballer.

-You haven't answered my question.

0:50:330:50:37

-What?

-Have you thought about it?

0:50:370:50:39

-Actually, I have.

-Well?

0:50:390:50:42

Murdered by a jealous husband.

0:50:420:50:45

-Now stop being morbid. Do you want a cigarette?

-I quit.

-When?

0:50:450:50:49

-At Mum and Dad's. They don't know I smoke.

-How old are you?

0:50:490:50:52

-That's not the point. It would upset them.

-But you're a...

0:50:520:50:55

-A what?

-A smoker.

0:50:550:50:58

-Well, I'm not any more.

-OK.

0:50:580:51:01

-Do you mind if I smoke?

-No.

0:51:030:51:05

Can I bring up the "H" word?

0:51:110:51:14

-Oh, come on, babe.

-We need to go away.

0:51:140:51:17

When was the last time you had a holiday?

0:51:170:51:19

I don't do holidays. You know that.

0:51:190:51:22

I know, but, well, I'm just thinking about you.

0:51:220:51:25

Dah-dah!

0:51:290:51:31

Two tickets. The Marriott Hotel on Spaniards Beach in...

0:51:320:51:35

-Barbados!

-Yeah!

0:51:350:51:38

How on earth did I find you?

0:51:390:51:41

I found you, remember?

0:51:410:51:44

(ALL CHATTER AND LAUGH)

0:52:210:52:23

Eve. Why don't we go and get an ice-cream?

0:52:290:52:32

-Again?

-Yeah. Some days you need two ice-creams.

0:52:320:52:35

And it just so happens this is one of those days.

0:52:370:52:42

There's more to life than thoughts. There's actions.

0:52:470:52:50

Yeah. What sort of actions are playing on your mind?

0:52:500:52:53

-Kids.

-Kids?

0:52:550:52:57

Kids.

0:52:570:52:59

Do you think you could not shout "kids" while we're sitting here?

0:52:590:53:02

-People might think we're... teachers or something.

-I'm serious.

0:53:020:53:06

-So am I. Kids?!

-Now you're doing it.

0:53:060:53:09

You want to talk about them, or you wanna have them?

0:53:090:53:12

I think I do. I think I really wanna have them.

0:53:120:53:15

-Billy, you're gay.

-So are you. It doesn't fuckin' matter. We can adopt.

0:53:150:53:20

I know we're legally allowed to adopt, but...

0:53:200:53:22

-But what?

-But...

0:53:220:53:25

-I'm not ready.

-You're not ready? You're in your 40s.

0:53:260:53:29

-I know straight men in their 40s who aren't ready.

-That's different.

0:53:290:53:33

-How?

-It's not down to them.

-Not down to them?

-It's the woman's choice.

0:53:330:53:37

A straight man can remove any sense of responsibility. We can't.

0:53:370:53:41

That's the most ridiculous thing I ever heard, and I've lived with you

0:53:410:53:45

-for 15 years.

-I think they'd be a great addition to our relationship.

0:53:450:53:49

You can't have kids to add to your relationship. You have kids cos...

0:53:490:53:53

-..you wanna have kids.

-Exactly.

0:53:530:53:55

They're not just for Christmas. You know what you're like.

0:53:550:53:58

You'll get bored and send them back to some godforsaken home.

0:53:580:54:02

Don't be ridiculous. I think it would be great for us.

0:54:020:54:05

But would we be great for them? Why does nobody ever ask that question?

0:54:050:54:08

I'm fed up with people starting families just cos they can.

0:54:080:54:12

-What about what the kids want?

-You sound like Cliff Richard. Stop.

0:54:120:54:15

I'm serious. "Look at us, aren't we great for having a child

0:54:150:54:18

and calling it Taramasalata and adding to the population

0:54:180:54:22

and filling it full of our insecurities and fears?"

0:54:220:54:25

-Jesus!

-If there's one good thing about being gay, it's that we are

0:54:250:54:29

-environmentally friendly.

-And that's it, is it?

0:54:290:54:32

No, we can also dress well without fear of ridicule.

0:54:320:54:35

It might help me settle down.

0:54:360:54:38

You're doing it again. "Let's have kids cos it'll make my life better."

0:54:380:54:43

Do you think people should have kids for purely altruistic reasons?

0:54:430:54:46

-Have you been secretly reading my books?

-We are all here because

0:54:460:54:50

two people needed something more in their life. What's wrong with that?

0:54:500:54:54

My parents didn't speak to one another for a year before I was born,

0:54:540:54:58

then I came along and it got better. And they don't regret me coming

0:54:580:55:01

and I certainly don't. I mean, admittedly,

0:55:010:55:04

they haven't spoken to me in over ten years, but they didn't know

0:55:040:55:07

-they were creating a sexual deviant.

-They're cave dwellers. Bad example.

0:55:070:55:11

But, my point is... that I am the result of truly selfish behaviour

0:55:110:55:16

and I'm fuckin' made up about it.

0:55:160:55:18

I can see.

0:55:190:55:22

I love you, Brian.

0:55:240:55:26

And I think having a child would be a...

0:55:260:55:28

..an amazing expression of how I feel.

0:55:280:55:31

I know that sounds a bit Cliff.

0:55:310:55:33

I just think there are enough parents in the world.

0:55:340:55:38

-That's why they're closing all the orphanages.

-Look, I love kids.

0:55:380:55:41

-I've got seven godchildren!

-You have seven godchildren

0:55:410:55:44

-cos you can't have any and people feel sorry for you.

-Bollocks!

0:55:440:55:48

-It's cool to have a gay influence. It's North London.

-That would stop.

0:55:480:55:52

-You'd be a father.

-What would you be?

-A father.

-Two fathers? Nightmare.

0:55:520:55:55

-Better than two mothers.

-That is sexist.

-You've met my mother.

0:55:550:55:59

Fair enough.

0:55:590:56:02

-We'd have to move.

-You're thinking about it?

-I think we'd have to move.

0:56:090:56:13

-But you don't think it's out of the question.

-I dunno. I'll have a think.

0:56:130:56:16

Well, that's all I ask, Bri.

0:56:160:56:19

-Are you sure you wanna do this?

-No, I'm not sure.

0:56:210:56:23

-It just keeps playing on my mind.

-There are things to consider.

0:56:230:56:28

-Of course.

-One of us would have to give up work.

0:56:280:56:32

-Would we? Why?

-Well, of course.

0:56:320:56:35

-You can't bring up a baby if you're both working.

-Why?

0:56:350:56:38

-People do it all the time.

-Look at the little wankers they produce.

0:56:380:56:41

If you commit to having a child, one of you has to stay at home.

0:56:410:56:45

-I had no idea you were so old-fashioned.

-I just don't believe

0:56:450:56:48

-you can do a good job if you're both as interested in your work.

-Oh.

0:56:480:56:52

-No, maybe you're right.

-No, it's just how I feel.

0:56:520:56:55

-So, how much do you earn?

-You know how much I earn.

0:56:580:57:02

-Considerably less than me.

-Yeah.

0:57:020:57:04

So, then, I suppose it would have to be you.

0:57:040:57:07

You cannot make judgements on a financial basis. That's ridiculous.

0:57:070:57:11

I bring in almost twice what you do. If we're gonna support a family,

0:57:110:57:15

-by your reckoning, you'd have to give up work.

-That's ridiculous!

-Why?

0:57:150:57:18

Cos work is about more than money. It's about who you are.

0:57:180:57:22

-Well, who are you?

-I'm a restaurant critic.

-Oh. I'm a financial advisor.

0:57:220:57:27

I get more pleasure out of my work so you should give up work.

0:57:270:57:30

Without my income, we would be out of nappies within a fortnight.

0:57:300:57:34

-Without my job I'd be out of my mind in a week.

-It has to be about money.

0:57:340:57:37

-If I stopped work, how would we cope?

-I'd review more restaurants.

0:57:370:57:41

It takes you almost a week to do one.

0:57:410:57:44

Food is an art, Billy, something you will clearly never understand.

0:57:440:57:47

No, I understand, I understand.

0:57:470:57:49

Your art is much more important than my... What is it you call it?

0:57:490:57:53

Crass pursuit of the impossible financial nirvana.

0:57:530:57:56

-You're such a twat at times.

-You're a twat at others. We're suited.

0:57:560:58:00

-Are we gonna look into this, or not?

-Yeah.

0:58:000:58:03

-If you give up your work.

-Well, no way. I love what I do.

0:58:040:58:08

Yeah, well, so do I.

0:58:080:58:10

I'd give up all that, that's what I'd give up.

0:58:190:58:22

All what?

0:58:240:58:26

-You would?

-I would.

0:58:330:58:37

I promise.

0:58:370:58:39

So I give up my job, and you give up the casual sex.

0:58:390:58:42

-But there's still a problem.

-What?

0:58:420:58:45

I don't want kids.

0:58:460:58:49

I just want you.

0:58:500:58:52

I want both.

0:58:570:58:59

We'll see.

0:59:080:59:10

-Do you fancy an ice-cream?

-Mm, alright.

0:59:340:59:38

Be back in a minute.

0:59:420:59:45

-Tell me about your husband.

-Oh.

1:00:311:00:34

I mean, you know, if you want to.

1:00:341:00:36

Well, what do you want to know?

1:00:361:00:38

Well, I don't know. What was he like?

1:00:381:00:41

He was... decent. No one had a bad word to say about him.

1:00:411:00:46

-Even you?

-Even me.

1:00:461:00:49

Tommy loved spending time...

1:00:491:00:52

He was never very big on plans. The future.

1:00:541:00:57

He said the future was nothing.

1:00:571:00:59

That what we had at any given moment was what we had.

1:00:591:01:02

He was a regular philosopher, then?

1:01:021:01:05

I suppose he was in a way.

1:01:051:01:08

I was more of a dreamer.

1:01:081:01:10

I liked him. Mostly.

1:01:131:01:16

Well, that's a big achievement. You know, after all those years.

1:01:161:01:20

And you liked Teresa.

1:01:201:01:22

Yes, but I couldn't help... wondering.

1:01:241:01:27

Me, too.

1:01:331:01:35

Albert Camus. "L'Etranger".

1:01:451:01:48

-Oh-la-la.

-It's French, right?

1:01:481:01:50

-Er, are you French?

-Yes, I am.

1:01:501:01:53

-Oh, you are French?

-Yes.

1:01:531:01:56

-I went to France once.

-Don't even think about it. Don't!

1:01:561:01:59

-OK.

-Go away.

-Alright, I'll go, then.

1:01:591:02:02

-Allez. Allez!

-I'm going.

-Alright. Degage!

1:02:021:02:05

-I'm going.

-Degage!

-OK! Alright, alright, alright.

1:02:051:02:08

You look nice, though, when you're angry.

1:02:081:02:10

Degage!

1:02:101:02:12

I saw a film once.

1:02:191:02:21

It was one of those, er,

1:02:211:02:24

"boy meets girl, boy loves girl,

1:02:241:02:26

boy marries girl, girl meets another boy,

1:02:261:02:31

girl leaves boy, boy goes mad

1:02:311:02:34

and boy kills other boy and girl,

1:02:341:02:37

and then boy goes to prison" kind of film.

1:02:371:02:40

It was all, er, very stressful.

1:02:401:02:43

Sounds it.

1:02:431:02:45

I'm not sure I get the point.

1:02:461:02:49

Well, I don't know, but I think I found a certain comfort

1:02:491:02:53

in not being that boy.

1:02:531:02:56

Or that girl.

1:02:561:02:58

It's all extremely complicated.

1:02:581:03:01

Tommy was right. It's a minefield.

1:03:011:03:04

I think maybe it's good.

1:03:041:03:07

Y'know, things that are completely impossible to understand.

1:03:071:03:10

All the best things in life are utterly indecipherable.

1:03:101:03:15

I mean, Tommy loved collecting first day covers.

1:03:151:03:19

I would ask him, what is it about coloured envelopes

1:03:191:03:22

that so intrigued him. He could never explain it.

1:03:221:03:25

He said he liked them because they kept on coming,

1:03:251:03:28

and his collection got bigger.

1:03:281:03:30

It baffled me for years.

1:03:301:03:33

And then there came a point

1:03:331:03:35

when I began to look forward to them arriving

1:03:351:03:38

almost as much as he did.

1:03:381:03:40

You see, once you commit yourself to something,

1:03:401:03:43

however bizarre it may seem to other people,

1:03:431:03:46

you kind of owe it to yourself to enjoy the experience.

1:03:461:03:50

(SIGHS)

1:03:521:03:54

I hope it's all been worth it.

1:03:541:03:57

All those choices we make.

1:03:571:04:00

You see what we've done?

1:04:011:04:04

We've talked about our partners.

1:04:041:04:06

I didn't think we'd do that, you know, if we... met.

1:04:071:04:12

-Ooh.

-Oh. (CHUCKLES)

1:04:271:04:30

Well, this should, er...

1:04:331:04:35

-Do it?

-Erm, well...

1:04:381:04:41

Yes, it should.

1:04:411:04:44

It's perfect, yeah.

1:04:461:04:48

(BOTH LAUGH)

1:04:521:04:55

(SIGHS)

1:05:081:05:10

Ooh, I rather assumed....

1:05:131:05:16

-But if you don't...

-What is it?

1:05:161:05:19

-Chateauneuf-du-Pape, '93.

-Good year.

1:05:191:05:22

Do you think?

1:05:221:05:25

Oh, I don't know.

1:05:261:05:29

-Whoops.

-Oh.

-No, no.

1:05:501:05:53

(BOTH LAUGH)

1:05:561:05:58

Shall I be Mummy?

1:06:131:06:15

Why not?

1:06:171:06:19

-Just hope it lives up to its billing.

-What is its billing?

1:06:231:06:27

Well, I'm led to understand that this particular year

1:06:271:06:30

is light on the palate, a little oaky,

1:06:301:06:33

but with an affectionate aftertaste.

1:06:331:06:35

Mm. Oh, oh... Erm...

1:06:371:06:39

Thank you.

1:06:401:06:42

Cheers.

1:06:461:06:48

Mm.

1:06:531:06:54

-Very smooth.

-Eh?

1:07:011:07:03

-(COUGHS) Yes. Do you not think?

-Smooth, indeed.

1:07:041:07:10

-Cheese?

-Er, yes, please.

1:07:101:07:14

Although I should probably keep a close eye on it at my age.

1:07:141:07:17

I know what you mean.

1:07:171:07:20

I-I didn't mean I know what you mean about you having to keep a close...

1:07:201:07:24

I mean I do, as well. Not that you do.

1:07:241:07:27

No, I just put on weight walking past a boulangerie.

1:07:271:07:31

-A boulangerie.

-Sorry, it's French for bakery.

1:07:311:07:35

Yes, I know.

1:07:361:07:38

Jeremy was telling me about your book collection.

1:07:431:07:47

-Was he?

-Yes.

1:07:471:07:49

He says you can get hold of any book in print

1:07:491:07:53

with 48 hours' notice.

1:07:531:07:56

Yes, well, I'm not a collector, I'm a dealer.

1:07:561:07:59

-Oh, a dealer.

-Yes, yes.

1:07:591:08:01

I buy and sell books. Jeremy likes to pretend to himself

1:08:011:08:04

that it's some sort of hobby of mine or something.

1:08:041:08:07

He did speak very highly of your "collection". (LAUGHS)

1:08:071:08:10

Yes, well, it's just his little... joke, I suppose.

1:08:101:08:14

-How about you?

-Me?

1:08:181:08:22

Oh, I work for a charity.

1:08:221:08:25

-Very worthy.

-Isn't it?

1:08:251:08:28

I'm sorry, I was just agreeing with you.

1:08:311:08:33

-Do you agree with everyone?

-No, of course not.

1:08:331:08:37

I was being self-deprecating

1:08:371:08:39

but, as it happens, charity work is very hard and very worthwhile.

1:08:391:08:43

Yes, must be. What sort of people do you help?

1:08:431:08:46

-What sort of people?

-Yes, I mean, erm,

1:08:461:08:49

-poor people, starving people, black people?

-Black people?

-Yes.

1:08:491:08:54

You think black people need help?

1:08:541:08:56

-Well...

-I think you might need some help.

1:08:561:08:59

Well, that's very possibly true, but I meant Africans, not...

1:09:001:09:03

I meant Africans, not black people as a race.

1:09:031:09:06

-You're wondering whether I was just being racist.

-No, not whether. Why.

1:09:071:09:11

-Is that racist?

-Yes.

1:09:111:09:14

-It's so tricky nowadays, don't you think?

-Tricky?

1:09:141:09:17

I mean, last week I was told off for referring to my lovely newsagent

1:09:171:09:22

-as coloured.

-Instead of Asian?

1:09:221:09:25

Asian? No, he's black.

1:09:251:09:27

I think you may have been racist.

1:09:281:09:31

Do you?

1:09:321:09:34

Assuming he was Asian because he was a newsagent,

1:09:341:09:37

when, in fact, he's from Somalia.

1:09:371:09:40

-My mother was asking me about work.

-Uh-huh.

1:09:481:09:51

I said it was good. She didn't believe me.

1:09:511:09:54

She's convinced I have no idea who I am or what I want.

1:09:541:09:57

All mothers think like that.

1:09:571:09:59

It's what connects them to their children.

1:09:591:10:02

Well, I know she doesn't really understand what I do,

1:10:021:10:05

but she won't let it go.

1:10:051:10:07

-She has no idea what you do?

-No.

1:10:071:10:09

All she needs to know is that I love what I do.

1:10:091:10:13

My point exactly. But she's proud of you.

1:10:131:10:16

-How do you know?

-Well, you told me.

1:10:171:10:20

Hey, I tell you a lot of things. I'm like that.

1:10:201:10:23

-And that's why I love you.

-I know.

1:10:231:10:25

Excuse me, mate, erm, can I get a light, please?

1:10:251:10:30

Yeah, sure.

1:10:301:10:32

Very nice.

1:10:331:10:36

-I'm sorry?

-I-I said very nice.

1:10:361:10:39

-What's very nice?

-She looks very nice.

1:10:391:10:42

-Do you want to fuck off?

-Erm...

1:10:431:10:47

How dare you fucking talk to me like that? Go on, fuck off!

1:10:471:10:51

Erm, sorry. I'm not having a very good day today. I'm sorry.

1:10:511:10:56

Just leave.

1:10:571:10:59

Can you believe that?

1:11:051:11:07

What makes someone think it's remotely OK

1:11:081:11:10

to walk up to a man and say, "Your girlfriend's very nice"?

1:11:101:11:14

"Very nice"?

1:11:141:11:16

Unbelievable.

1:11:161:11:18

There should be a law.

1:11:181:11:20

Oh, I've missed you, Louis.

1:11:201:11:23

Yeah? You, too.

1:11:231:11:26

(BOTH EXHALE)

1:11:361:11:38

After finally climbing this infernal hill,

1:11:451:11:48

after all those years of thinking about it, what you're saying is,

1:11:481:11:52

the view is better from where we were.

1:11:521:11:54

Well, on reflection, yes.

1:11:561:11:58

I think you're right.

1:12:001:12:02

It may not be as high, but it did seem clearer.

1:12:031:12:07

I mean, maybe it's just what we're used to.

1:12:071:12:10

I've never been a fan of change.

1:12:111:12:13

-Never been a risk taker.

-Apparently not.

1:12:131:12:16

I'll never be Thierry Henry, you know?

1:12:181:12:22

Well, that's good. It means you'll never be responsible

1:12:221:12:25

-for my champagne-infused death.

-Why do you like me, Esther?

1:12:251:12:30

-Why?

-Yeah. Why do you miss me?

1:12:311:12:35

What is it about me that makes you pleased to see me?

1:12:361:12:39

-Are you fishing for compliments?

-No. I'm asking for them.

1:12:391:12:43

OK.

1:12:451:12:47

-I like you because you're honest.

-Mm-hm.

1:12:491:12:52

I like you because you know how to listen, and you know when not to.

1:12:521:12:57

I like you because

1:12:571:12:59

when you take my hand and when you touch my neck,

1:12:591:13:02

you're not just touching, you're...

1:13:021:13:05

I don't know. I like you.

1:13:071:13:10

-Do you wanna know why I like you?

-I don't know.

1:13:111:13:14

I think sometimes it's good to never quite know. It's good to guess.

1:13:141:13:19

-What? Keeps it interesting?

-The most important thing in any relationship,

1:13:191:13:23

-no matter what kind.

-So you don't wanna know why I like you?

1:13:231:13:27

Well, of course I do. Do you think I'm mad?

1:13:271:13:29

-Good, cos I'm gonna tell you.

-Go on.

1:13:291:13:32

I like you because you don't try and change me.

1:13:321:13:36

You just let me be myself.

1:13:361:13:38

-Is that it?

-That's it.

1:13:411:13:43

There's nothing about my, er,

1:13:451:13:47

-wonderful sense of humour?

-Ah.

1:13:471:13:50

My long legs? My sensitive touch?

1:13:501:13:54

-My witty repartee?

-No, those are the reasons I love you.

1:13:541:13:57

-We're talking about like.

-What?

1:13:571:13:59

It's much easier to love someone than it is to like them.

1:13:591:14:02

OK.

1:14:021:14:05

Yeah, I like that. Those things I said, they're why I love you,

1:14:051:14:08

-they're not why I like you.

-OK.

-Do you want to know why I like you?

1:14:081:14:12

-No, I think I know.

-I think you do.

1:14:121:14:15

-When do I see you next?

-You tell me. We're not done yet, are we?

1:14:261:14:31

I'm sorry. I've got things I need to sort out.

1:14:311:14:35

Erm, it's 150 now. The agency changed the rates.

1:14:381:14:42

-Worth every penny.

-I can't wait for Barbados.

1:14:451:14:49

-I can't wait for next time.

-Maybe we could have sex.

1:14:491:14:53

That's not how this works.

1:14:531:14:55

I know.

1:14:551:14:57

So, you never married?

1:15:301:15:32

No.

1:15:321:15:34

-I was married.

-Yes.

1:15:351:15:38

It was the most wonderful three and a half months of my life.

1:15:381:15:42

Three and a half months?

1:15:421:15:44

Well, you've gotta give it a chance.

1:15:441:15:47

(BOTH LAUGH)

1:15:481:15:51

-So, has there never been anyone?

-Oh, yes, I'm not a...

1:16:031:16:07

(LAUGHS) Relax. I'm talking about love, not sex.

1:16:071:16:13

Have you ever been in love?

1:16:131:16:16

No.

1:16:181:16:21

Never? Not even as a teenager?

1:16:211:16:25

No, absolutely not.

1:16:251:16:28

Does that seem a little odd?

1:16:291:16:32

Odd?

1:16:321:16:34

Well,... a little, yes.

1:16:341:16:37

I suppose it is. I mean, everywhere I look,

1:16:371:16:40

people seem to be falling in love or talking about it or claiming it.

1:16:401:16:44

Playing it out.

1:16:441:16:46

Playing it out?

1:16:511:16:53

I like that.

1:16:551:16:57

Do you think I could have another...?

1:17:021:17:04

Ooh, yes.

1:17:041:17:06

I think it is living up to its billing after all.

1:17:061:17:10

I'm... I'm glad.

1:17:101:17:12

I never wanted children.

1:17:141:17:17

-Children?

-Yes.

1:17:171:17:20

-Children?

-Yes.

1:17:201:17:22

They're sort of small adults that we love and adore,

1:17:221:17:25

-until they grow up and leave us.

-No, me neither. I hated being one,

1:17:251:17:29

-and I've never met one who can hold a decent conversation.

-Oh, indeed.

1:17:291:17:33

I've never met a parent that can, either.

1:17:331:17:36

-I hate what happens to my friends when they become parents.

-Jeremy.

1:17:361:17:40

Oh, God, yes.

1:17:401:17:42

-(LAUGHS)

-Jeremy.

1:17:421:17:44

They invited me round for dinner the other night. I was back home by 8.30.

1:17:441:17:48

(LAUGHS) Is it me,...

1:17:481:17:52

..or is their son the spitting image of that, er,

1:17:531:17:57

-little chap from "Fantasy Island"?

-(IN FRENCH ACCENT) The plane, boss!

1:17:571:18:01

-(LAUGHS) Yes. That's him.

-(LAUGHS)

1:18:011:18:04

You're so right. I knew he reminded me of someone.

1:18:051:18:08

I was always veering towards Danny DeVito, though.

1:18:081:18:12

(LAUGHS)

1:18:121:18:14

Yes, I can see that.

1:18:251:18:28

Could you love Danny DeVito?

1:18:281:18:30

I'd like to have a child.

1:18:391:18:42

Me, too.

1:18:431:18:45

They're strange, aren't they?

1:18:521:18:55

-Well, Jeremy's is.

-(LAUGHS)

1:18:551:18:58

No.

1:18:581:18:59

-Blind dates.

-Oh.

1:18:591:19:03

-Yeah.

-This is my first.

1:19:031:19:07

-Really?

-Mm.

1:19:081:19:10

-How old are you?

-How old?

1:19:111:19:14

-Sorry, that is a terrible question.

-It's fine.

1:19:141:19:18

-I'm 43.

-I'm 41.

1:19:181:19:21

Well, you have...

1:19:211:19:23

You have time.

1:19:241:19:26

I think we both know that's something I don't have.

1:19:281:19:31

You have some time.

1:19:331:19:36

Some.

1:19:371:19:39

Shall we...

1:19:421:19:44

..walk, or...?

1:19:451:19:47

-Walk?

-We don't have to.

1:19:481:19:52

No, no.

1:19:531:19:56

-A walk would be...

-(DISTANT VOICES)

1:19:571:20:00

A walk...

1:20:061:20:08

..would be great, yes.

1:20:101:20:12

You know what? I ought to get back to the shop soon.

1:20:181:20:23

Really? Oh.

1:20:231:20:25

-What about the walk?

-Very nice meeting you.

1:20:271:20:30

Oh. Er, you, too.

1:20:301:20:33

-Are you OK?

-OK? Yeah. I'm fine.

1:20:341:20:38

Time just seemed to run away with me.

1:20:401:20:42

-With us.

-Hm.

1:20:431:20:46

Bloke with sunglasses and a blazer, and she's off. Anyone but me.

1:20:481:20:53

Well, I'll tell you something.

1:21:271:21:29

The view may be slightly disappointing,

1:21:291:21:32

but it's been nice to spend some time up here with the kites.

1:21:321:21:36

Hasn't it?

1:21:361:21:38

You know, I think Tommy was right all along.

1:21:391:21:43

No point in wishing your life away with your head in the clouds.

1:21:431:21:48

And I think the walk has done us both good.

1:21:501:21:54

So, how about a dance?

1:21:551:21:57

I don't think you're the person I thought you were.

1:21:591:22:02

-Oh?

-No, it's a good thing.

1:22:021:22:05

-You've surprised me.

-Well, I don't know what to think about that.

1:22:061:22:10

No, really, it's fine. It's just that...

1:22:101:22:13

Look, I'm no dancer, never have been.

1:22:151:22:18

Oh, me neither.

1:22:181:22:20

Maybe we could just have a cup of tea.

1:22:201:22:23

Now?

1:22:231:22:25

Well, I could break the habit of a lifetime,

1:22:251:22:28

come here on a Wednesday?

1:22:281:22:32

You know, take a chance.

1:22:331:22:35

-Eddie?

-Yes?

1:22:371:22:40

You know, I think I might change my routine as well.

1:22:401:22:43

I think I might visit Tommy's grave on Wednesday.

1:22:441:22:48

We had a good time.

1:22:491:22:52

I never realised that.

1:22:521:22:55

Well, I've always felt that Thursdays

1:23:021:23:05

have a better feel about them, anyway.

1:23:051:23:08

You know, back of the week broken and all that.

1:23:091:23:12

I mean, I'd very much like to...

1:23:121:23:14

You know, there are other hills to climb.

1:23:161:23:19

Heath's a huge place.

1:23:211:23:24

Endless...

1:23:241:23:26

..possibilities.

1:23:261:23:28

So, it's just you and me.

1:24:021:24:04

I know. I know.

1:24:051:24:09

(SIGHS)

1:24:111:24:13

I know.

1:24:161:24:18

Hey.

1:24:181:24:20

I love you, too.

1:24:201:24:22

You cheeky bugger!

1:24:511:24:53

Come here.

1:24:571:24:59

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd

1:25:031:25:05

Email [email protected]

1:25:051:25:07

Comedy drama about the romantic and erotic trials and tribulations of a handful of couples, set one sunny afternoon on Hampstead Heath. For some of them, things are not as sunny as the weather.


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