Spy Hard

We're approaching target area, a mile from your DZ.

You ready, WD-40?

I never felt more ready in my life.

Oh, man! Steele, you crazy fool!

-TAPE:

-'This is the "Free World's In Double Jeopardy" round of your mission.

'He's a criminal mastermind

'and an international arms dealer who has sold a Scorpion missile

'to Middle Eastern terrorists. The question is, who is Rancor?

'General Derwood Rancor.

'Begin your mission. Good luck, WD-40.'

'And don't forget. This tape will self-destruct in three seconds.'

BLEEPING

STEELE!

ALARM BLARES

General Rancor, your chopper is waiting.

Be there in a minute. I ain't done with this one yet.

Talk to me, boy. He doesn't wanna talk.

Take him outside and shoot him.

HE CHUCKLES

And when you shoot him,

use the silencer(!)

Thank you. Have a nice flight.

Have a great flight.

Enjoy destroying the world.

Thanks, I will.

I'm going in there.

My God. Look at you.

You are such an incredible man.

It's my job, darling. I do it for my country.

Hm? Oh! Good luck.

HE CHUCKLES Luck's got nothing to do with it.

CRUNCH

TROUSERS RIP

DEVICE BLEEPS

-HE CHUCKLES

-Nothing can stop me now.

Not even that sanctimonious secret agent, Boy Scout Dick...

Yoo-hoo! STEELE LAUGHS

Steele?!

Aaaaaargh!

Dick, don't drop me!

Grab my wrist!

Aaaargh!

Whoaaaaaa!

Don't drop me!

AAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!

SPLASH

# A man of intrigue

# He lives for the thrill

# Always has places to go

# And people to kill

# Danger is the game he plays

# And he holds every card

# Cos if you wanna win

# You gotta Spy Hard

# A man of the world

# So suave and discreet

# He trips over the women

# Piled up at his feet

# But evil's lurking

# So he's always on his guard

# Cos if you're gonna spy

# You better Spy Hard

# He's always there

# When the chips Are beginning to fall

# He wouldn't care

# If they kicked him and grabbed him

# And shot him and stabbed him

# And nailed Both his ears to the wall

# Facing death every day

# Is a tough job for any man

# But his hours are flexible

# And he's got a great dental plan

# By the way, if you walked in late

# Allow me to reiterate

# The name of this movie

# Is Spy Hard

# They call it Spy Hard

# You're watching Spy Hard

# It's the theme from Spy Hard... #

THUNDER CRASHES

BIRD SQUAWKS

HE ROARS

HE SQUAWKS

Sir, we've got something interesting on the infrared detection system.

'Well, what is it?'

It's a neat security system that picks up intruders.

'What is it detecting?'

It looks like Agent Barbara Dahl, sir.

Barbara Dahl?

Hot damn, at last.

Arm me.

Yeah. Now, bring me the bait.

-GRUFF VOICE:

-Welcome. General Rancor wants to see you.

Don't even think about it!

Put the gun down!

Move! Don't try anything funny.

Oh, you morons! Let go!

Well, look at you.

Barbara Dahl.

You're the spitting image of your mama.

Don't you talk about my mother, you hybrid curiosity.

My mother was twice the man you are.

I think you're carrying this spitting image thing too far.

Now that I got Barbara Dahl,

it's just a matter of time before Dick Steele comes to get her.

HE LAUGHS

Have you confirmed this transmission?

I have. It's Barbara Dahl.

Who authorised her to go on this operation?

No-one. She's working on her own.

This one is personal.

This mission may have cost a good agent her life

and put the free world in jeopardy. We must inform the Director.

'This is the Director. What is it?'

We've intercepted a disturbing transmission

from our station on Gibraltar.

-'What is it?'

-It's a big rock

sticking out of the water near Spain.

'What is the transmission?'

You will have to see it to believe it, sir.

Put it on channel three.

No, four. Switch it to VHS.

And take it off of cable.

Put it on the monitor.

-TV:

-'Now a message from Rancor Industries.'

She makes a pretty hood ornament.

Rancor!

Yes, it is I,

good old General Rancor.

I'm back, big as life and twice as ugly.

Steele blew him up.

Apparently not.

You did everything except eat me

and I'm still alive. Steele only blew off a couple of arms.

That's no big thing. Now I got plenty of arms.

Big arms.

Pretty arms.

'I got arms up the wazoo. Let me show you something.

'Your pretty agent is now the nose cone

'on top of my missile.

'This missile will be launched in 36 hours

'and nothing will stop me.'

He's a madman.

'Only thing is, I'm missing one little chip

'that controls my satellite and I want it back.

'Hand me my chip and I'll give you back your agent.'

Good God. He must me stopped!

Dick Steele couldn't stop me 15 years ago.

All the dicks you've got won't stop me now.

He hasn't seen the SIZE of our newer members.

With the chip, he rules the world.

Without the chip, he destroys the world.

VIOLIN PLAYS

Practise some place else! I'm trying to think!

The world! Hah!

We all know what Rancor really wants.

Steele.

Yes, and we'll give Steele to him.

Steele? Have you forgotten what happened last time

Steele was in the line of fire?

APPLAUSE AND CHEERING

BAND PLAYS

'We'll stop here. Traveller wants to mingle.'

POP!

POP!

POP!

Steele, what the hell do you think you're doing?!

Get him in the limo! Get him in the limo!

Go! Go! Go! Go!

Go! Go!

HE GRUNTS

TANNOY: 'The bridge is out.

'The bridge is out.'

The bridge is out! The bridge is out, dammit! Stop this car!

BRAKES SCREECH

Stay away from the window, sir.

Steele, do something!

Good job, Steele! Thanks!

It's about time he did something right.

Hang on, Mr President!

THEY ALL YELL

'The bridge is out.'

Thank God our president was one good swimmer.

Nonetheless,

there's only one man for this operation.

Agent WD-40. Steele.

Dick Steele.

Dick, Dick, Dick Steele!

Oh, mm, Dick.

Oh, Dick, that was incredible.

Thank you.

Don't thank me, darling. The art of lovemaking takes two.

Sometimes three or four, depending on how well you do at craps.

Fore!

Well, my putter's up.

Oh, Dick, I'm exhausted.

You are insatiable.

15 minutes to tee-off time.

There's something we should discuss openly and honestly

before I head off to my golf game.

What is it, Dick?

It's a game. People dress funny,

hit a little ball with clubs,

drinking is involved.

Is something wrong, Dick?

Whatever we've had between us,

my heart still belongs to the girl I fell in love with years ago.

Victoria. She fell off a cliff.

She died.

Yes, I was just getting to that.

After Victoria, I don't think I'll ever find room for another woman

in this ripped apart, torn up, burned out

lump in my chest

where a human heart once beat.

I hope you understand what I'm trying to say.

-RUSSIAN ACCENT:

-I'll live, Mr Steele.

It's YOUR life I'm worried about.

I'm glad you understand.

I know how much these things can hurt.

-Hi, Dick!

->

-Hi.

-Morning, Mrs Hutton.

-<

-Fore!

Watch out!

All right?

Thank you.

-Thank you!

->

SMACK!

-TANNOY:

-'Deena Talley-Forson to starter's window.'

GLASS SHATTERS WOMAN SCREAMS

Aaaaaargh!

Dick, wait!

Oh, well, Steve! Steve Bishop.

You look great.

Thank you. We go back a long way.

Yeah.

'Aaaaaargh!'

Let's have a drink. Sit right there, Steve.

The usual, Mr Steele?

You betcha. How's everything at the Agency?

It used to be fun, killing a few spies

with gas from a banana grenade,

but now it's all bureaucratic politics.

You gotta fill out 20 forms in triplicate just to take a piss!

STEVE LAUGHS

THEY GRUNT AND GROAN

Oh, boy, that was fun.

Thank you.

They don't do that at the Agency.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Er, Dickie, there is something.

I'm out of the Service.

It's a plot to launch a satellite.

I'm out of the Service. Talk about something else.

-PHONE RINGS

-Bishop here.

'Got a new lead. Need you here.'

-Yeah.

-'And get a dozen eggs.'

I'll leave right away.

No more headsets. They put the receiver right in your head now.

The Director wants you to see this.

I'm not interested.

Dickie, take a look at the tape. It'll change your mind.

HE HUMS

Hm-mm.

She makes a pretty hood ornament, don't you think?

Yes, it is I, good old General Rancor.

I'm back, big as life and twice as ugly.

HE CHUCKLES

'Steele just blow off my arms.'

Rancor.

He can't be alive.

My...God.

Barbara Dahl.

Victoria, why would your daughter join the Agency,

knowing what happened to you?

Why?

Why?

Why, why, why, why?

Victoria Dahl,

you were the only woman I ever loved.

# Raindrops keep falling on my head

# And just like the guy Whose feet are too big

# For his bed

# Nothing seems to fit

# Those raindrops Are falling on my head

# They keep falling

# So I just did me

# Some talking to the sun

# And I said I didn't like the way

# He got things done

# Sleeping on the job

# Those raindrops Are falling on my head

# They keep falling

# But there's one thing

# I know

# The blues they send to meet me

# Won't defeat me

# It won't be long

# Till happiness

# Steps up to greet me... #

-THEY SCREAM

-# Raindrops keep falling on my head

# But that doesn't mean my eyes Will soon be turning red... #

-TV:

-'We now join Kelly Lang downtown.'

'I'm here for Channel 3 News.

A tragic accident has claimed the life of Steven Bishop

'when a huge grand piano

fell from the 17th floor of the hotel behind me,

'landing on his car.'

An accident?

Having a kid at 60, that's an accident.

Having a piano fall on you, that's bad luck.

'..removed the driver's body from the oil pan of the car.'

'Operator.'

Get me Washington.

'George?'

DC.

I'll take care of the luggage. Just some overnight things.

CRASH

Bonjour, Monsieur.

It looks like you could use a hand.

I'm afraid I'm pretty clumsy.

You must be headed to Los Angeles.

How do you know that?

It's on your ticket.

Oh-ho, thank you.

You're welcome. Have a nice flight and I wish you adieu.

Thanks, but I'm satisfied with the do I have.

If you want to see me again, turn around now.

Ah-ha.

It's right here on the aisle.

No, no, no.

I asked for a window seat.

I'm not getting up every time someone wants to get in and out.

I always have a window seat.

Sir, do you mind?

No problem. Please, be my guest.

I prefer an aisle seat.

Be my guest.

Here, let me help you.

I hope this is the last of the conversations on this trip.

Your ticket.

SQUEALING

Take it easy with that luggage.

GLASS SHATTERS

Could you put your table up for take-off?

No, the table stays down, thank you very much.

You've made things very inconvenient.

-What is this?!

-BABY CRIES

Is this yours? Do you mind?

Let me make more room for you.

Ooh! Aw!

Excuse me.

Is this seat taken?

Please.

Thank you.

Do you always take matters into your own hands?

Things often end up in my hands.

And I bet your hands end up in a lot of things.

My hands and things are often

in the same place at the same time.

Can I get you a drink?

We'll have dry Minoli and Russos

on the rocks, stirred not beaten, twist of lemon

in chilled glasses, not frozen. And two curly straws.

SHE ROARS

'30 hours, 11 minutes, 10 seconds.

'30 hours, 11 minutes, 8 seconds,

'30 hours, ll minutes, 5 seconds.'

DOGS BARK

'When Agent Steele arrives, send him right in.'

Mm-hm.

Miss Cheevus, is the Director available?

No, he's married.

Oh, you kidder.

Miss Cheevus, you wouldn't be trying to make things hard for me?

Oh, Dick, if only I could.

You and I would work well together deep undercover.

You know the Agency's rules about secrecy. They're very...rigid.

And we wouldn't want to blow it, would we?

-BUZZ

-'You two get a motel room.

'I need you in here now, Steele!'

Miss Cheevus, wasn't the Director in the office here?

'He buzzed me from in there, my pumpy-wumpy.'

I'll just sit down and wait for him.

HE PASSES WIND

Great Scott!

Steele, see a doctor!

Good show, Steele.

I hid for weeks from my wife's attorney like this.

Good to see you, WD-40.

You are my most noble warrior.

Glad to find you, sir.

You have to find someone more important now.

You saw the tape with Rancor?

I can't believe he's alive.

He's a madman. He wants the world!

But I'll be frank. He wants you first.

He knew I'd send you the tape of Barbara Dahl.

'Barbara. Looks just like Victoria when she was alive.'

No time for flashbacks.

Rancor wants the world and wants to kill you.

Barbara Dahl last radioed from Los Angeles.

We couldn't pinpoint her location exactly.

Find her, you find him, you find the rocket.

For the rest, your guess is a good as mine. Miss Cheevus,

tell Noggin we're coming.

-Hello, Noggin.

-Steele.

Do you have a refill for that laser watch?

Ah, new air freshener?

Careful!

-MAN IMPERSONATES MICHAEL JACKSON

-Not again!

Aaaargh!!

This looks like a clever contraption.

A mini-mobile crime lab?

It's a briefcase.

What does it do?

It holds papers, files, pens

and a calculator.

And these numbers in a certain sequence,

the briefcase will explode?

No, it's a lock so other people can't open it.

Very complex contemporary technology.

Your state-of-the-art field kit with additions.

This is our latest development. Microchip Z-ray lenses.

You'll be able to see if an enemy is carrying a weapon.

Er, Director?

Oh, now Steele, should you find your hands bound,

just reach down and pull this pin with your teeth.

Squeeze that tube and it'll emit lasers

powerful enough to cut steel.

Fire in the hole, Director. Thank you.

BELL RINGS

And one more thing.

This detonator will explode 30 seconds after you plant it.

It has enough power to blow up a two-storey building.

Fantastic.

All right, here we go and, er...

Your glasses.

Thanks. Good to see you again, Noggin.

-TANNOY:

-'Bienvenidos a Los Angeles.

'Welcome to Los Angeles.

'Ciudad de Los Angeles.

'City of the angels.

'Donde esta Maria?

'Where is Maria?

'Maria esta en la biblioteca.

'Maria is in the library.'

Do you have a lighter?

I use matches.

Does you mother know you smoke?

Yes, but I don't inhale.

Kabul.

Er...

I'm Kabul. Agent WD-40?

Get in! Get in!

In the car!

Hello! Excuse me!

Our operatives believe you may be in grave danger.

Take a look. In that file is a photo of Desiree Moore.

She's expert-trained in karate, kung fu and is a crack shot.

Rancor may have sent her to take you out.

She likes easy listening.

He measurements are 36-24-36-22.

And for God's sakes be careful, WD-40.

My cousins got salmonella at this hotel.

Ooh! HE MUTTERS

'It sure looked like her but you can't be too sure.

'Yeah, almost positive.'

Mm-hm.

Drink?

Only when I'm thirsty.

Tap water, OK?

Poured, not decanted.

'Sometimes you see a woman you'd love to have kill ya.

'But timing is everything, so it wouldn't be today.'

Says who?

'She's smart. I decided to play it casual.'

Casual is overrated.

Oops.

The game is over, Mr Steele.

You'll look like Swiss cheese when they find you.

Oh, that's no Gouda.

KUNG FU CRIES AND GRUNTS

"Coca Cabana."

I'll be back for you.

Where are you going?

In my country, we have a saying.

"A man who rides a camel is rich,

"but a man who drives a Ferrari can get lucky."

CAR HORN BEEPS

Aaaargh!

I am so sorry. What is your phone number?

Loser.

Oh, thank you.

Like look at what you've done.

End of the line, pal.

GUNSHOT Hey, goombah!

Huh? STEELE CHUCKLES

If it isn't Agent Steele.

Excuse me. Do you have a light?

Yeah, sure, I got a light.

Very good.

Remind me never to light YOUR cigarette.

We won't lose them for long.

We'll be safe on the bus.

Transfer?

Er, no thank you.

-Nice dress.

-HE CHUCKLES

Next stop, Sunset Boulevard!

I guess it's Sunset Boulevard.

Pop quiz, hot shot.

Someone's on the bus won't pay the fare. What do you do?

What do you do?

Stop the bus and let him off?

Negatory, honcho,

because he cut the brake line.

Excusez-moi, monsieur.

THEY ALL YELL

Aaaaaargh!

Whoooaaaaaaa!

THEY APPLAUD

Thank you, thank you.

Next stop, Melrose...I think.

You must be fameeshed. Let's manger.

That sounds good, but I'm hungry. Let's eat first.

Here you go. Enjoy yourselves.

Brian will be right here to take your drink order.

We shared an aeroplane, a drink,

been chased, bussed, seated, but...

I still don't really know you.

I'm Bud Fudlacker. I own a mail order business.

I travel with the Gladiators,

I like small appliances

and do tax accounting on the side.

Let me guess. You are Dick Steele.

Agent WD-40 with the Secret Service.

You're 52, you like big screen TVs

and you want to stop General Rancor.

That could describe a thousand guys. Tell me about you.

I like loose-fitting clothes and I drive a '69 Pinto.

I'm Brian. May I take your drink orders?

-I'll have...

-A Minoli and Russo on the rocks.

Stirred, not beaten,

with a twist. In a chilled glass, not frozen

with two curly little straws.

Be right back.

Tell me, who are you?

Why don't you use your...

..legendary skills

and guess?

You carry a UB-21 Shnauzer with a silencer. That's KGB.

You prefer an H&K over an AK.

Your technique is NSA, ID is CIA,

had your PhD from NYU, drive a BMW,

you listen to CDs by REM and STP

and you'd like to see JFK in his BVDs getting down with OPP.

And you put toilet paper back on roll with the paper on the inside.

Hm.

Here's to your remarkable powers of observation.

I am Agent 3.14.

Veronique Ukrinsky. My father is the professor.

Oh, yes, I know.

The megachip.

When he found out he was making the chip for Rancor,

he escaped with it and is in hiding.

In hiding. Where?

He wouldn't tell me where he was going

but he said, "The pendant."

"Follow the path of your pendant to find me."

Hmm.

Haven't seen too many like these.

Pendant.

-Pendant.

-Pendant.

-Pendant.

-Pendant.

We don't have much time.

Sooner or later, Rancor will find him.

I'll order our food to go.

I'm so worried about my father.

What shall we do? What shall we do?

ROCK'N'ROLL MUSIC PLAYS

# It was a teenage wedding And the old folks wished 'em well

# You could see that Pierre Did truly love the mademoiselle

# And now The young monsieur and madame

# Have rung the chapel bell

# C'est la vie said the old folks

# It goes to show You never can tell... #

CRACKING

Do you have a reser... Oh!

CRACKING

Steele's here somewhere.

Rancor wants him dead. Find him.

CRACKING

Dance time is over.

Stay close. Kill him.

Cigarettes? Cigars?

Throwing knife?

Cigarettes? Cigars?

Whoops.

Whyyy?

Quick! Get this up against the door.

I got an idea.

This is my father. If we get separated,

find him, save him.

Why?!

Go! Go, go!

Go!

Shut up!

Aw! I came here to dance.

Dick, help me!!

I'll kill you!

Let me go!

HE GRUNTS

OK, let's go!

Dick, help me!!

'Follow the path of your pendant to find me.'

What is that?

Her pendant. "Follow the path to find me."

Have you ever seen anything like that?

Ahhhh!

What? What?

No.

Any idea where it came from?

Museum of Natural History.

How do you know that?

It says at the bottom.

Take me to the Museum of Natural History.

In my country, we have a saying.

I'm sure you do.

"The museum closes at five, so go the next morning at nine."

< Excuse me, Mr Pushy.

MUFFLED CRIES FROM SECRETARY

I'm getting sick and tired of your...

No, he'd never fit in there.

I'm sick and tired of these games.

This is stupid, stupid.

We're a government agency, for God's sakes.

THUD

Huh?

Ha!

Wait, wait!

You're sicker than I thought.

What is it, Coleman? I'm busy.

I, er, can see that.

You wouldn't understand. It's Origatsi.

Why are you keeping Steele on this assignment?

He is no closer to Rancor

and who knows when Rancor will launch his satellite?

Let ME take over this search before I...

Before you what? I don't know how you got this job,

but you're a disgrace to the Service.

How dare you! You and your bleeding heart nonsense.

YOU'RE too old to run this agency.

Since you won't step down, you'll be stepped on.

Ha! Loser!

What you got?

Is there a jewellery district here?

Come on, this is Hollywood. We have jewellery...

Is there a Russian jewellery section?

Da.

-Where?

-I don't know.

A lot of Russian jewellers hung out at the warehouse at...

31st and Phlegm.

-Damn it.

-We'll split up.

Accident. Excuse me.

Whoaa! Wh-whoaa!

Aaaaargh!

Watch it! Watch it!

-MAN:

-Cheerio.

HORSE URINATES

You're mine, Steele.

Aaaaaaargh!

HORSE: Whoaaaa!

HORSE NEIGHS

Aaaaaargh!

OK, bring it up! Bring it up! Up, up, up!

OK, that's where the sign goes!

Ah, 31st and Phlegm. I'm on a waiting list for a co-op.

You better get outta here.

I can drop off my dog.

Mr Steele, I presume?

Professor...?

Ukrinsky, with a Y.

Ah. Right.

The pendant.

And I suppose...

..this is what you need?

And this is...?

This is the chip for Rancor's satellite.

The megachip. Who'd have thought the fate of so many

would rely on something so small?

There's only one thing to do with this.

Oh, no! No!

What are you doing?!

Protecting the world from tyranny.

But it can be used for world peace.

Sorry. You better let me get that into the proper hands

and get you to safety.

You found me through my daughter? She is safe?

The van they took her in has air bags.

BRAKES SCREECH

Kabul.

Nice new wheels, huh?

Quite an improvement. In the back.

We have to find a safe place for the professor.

In my country, we have a saying.

"The rabbit hops, the spider crawls, but the camel spits."

Let's see if this Charger can run.

Now, I don't want you to be surprised.

This guy is a top agent. He's most capable.

Aaaaaaaaaaargh!!

McCluckey!

Kabul!

Come on in.

All right. Come on.

McCluckey, we need to hide the professor.

Professor, it's an honour.

I read your paper on Laboratory Loneliness.

Superb!

Well, thank you.

I'd like you to meet Agent...

Dick Steele, Agent WD-40.

Good to see you. Your video on deception?

"Is It A Woman? Is The Moustache Real?"

Beautiful work.

Thank you.

We need to hide this guy.

Sure, sure. Come, he'll be safe here.

You have a telephone?

Right over there.

Is it clean?

A woman comes in once a week.

'Sir?'

-What?

-'Dick Luscious Lips Steele is on the line.'

Put him through.

'Director, is it safe?'

Just a minute. I'll use the cloaking device.

Go ahead, Dick. It's safe.

'I have the chip Rancor needs.'

Good, Dick. Good. Are you coming in?

'No. Rancor kidnapped Ukrinsky's daughter. I gotta find her.'

'Well, good, Dick.'

Good luck. Call me if I can help.

'19 hours and 35 minutes...'

That Steele will be sorry his mama ever met his papa.

We gonna heat up the fire. Boys!

They know our moves. Someone inside must be leaking.

Well, I'm not leaking. I can prove it.

Go ahead, ask me something.

Ask me who's the director of our agency.

Who's the director of our agency?

I don't know. You see, I know who it is,

but I won't tell you cos I am no leak.

Rancor and his men must be here.

There's one of them now. Follow him.

Do you have to keep revving the engine?

It's an American V-8. It's a beautiful sound.

Listen to this. My cousin's a recording star.

LOUD ETHNIC MUSIC

Duck!

Aw!

Did he see us?

I'm going in. Cover me.

I got to buy my lottery ticket.

Rancor's guy is here.

Right.

CHOIR SINGS "Amazing Grace"

# ..Like me

# I once

# Was lost

# But now am found

# Was blind... #

What are you doing here?

I am the new choirmaster.

Where did you come from?

I was doing refrectories.

"Refrectories"?

A new popal relevate. John, chapter seven, verse two.

"Popal"?

Er, sisters? Michael, chapter seven, verse two.

Sing as ye play.

Yea, unto thee a voice like a blenth.

As you approach the alla troppo,

tres mucho picante abierto.

THEY HUM

# You know you make me wanna shout, Kick my heels up and

# Shout

Throw my hands up and

-Shout

-Throw my head back and

-# Shout

-Come on now

# Don't forget to say you will... #

Are you gentlemen with Ranc...? Ohh!

Steele's here somewhere. Find him!

# Come on, come on

# Say you will

# Say that you will

# Say that you love me

# Say that you need me

# Say that you want me You wanna please me

# Come on now

# Come on now

# Come on now

# I still remember

# When I used to be nine years old, Hey, yeah... #

All right, random inspection. Directive 21, psalm two.

# Yeah, yeah

# I want you to know

# I said I want you to know right now

# You been good to me, sisters

# Much better than I been to myself

# So good, so good

# And if you ever leave me

# I don't want nobody else, Hey, hey

# I said I want you to know

# I said I want you to know right now... #

Veronique?

-Dick.

-Are you all right?

Get out of here. This is a front for Rancor.

Yeah, I know.

I'll get out of here all right.

You're coming with me.

Code Yellow! Code Yellow! Get me epinephrinox.

Get me two litres of gasohol mixed with neonephecine!

She's going into fibrolcanination!

Prepare the operating room!

For God's sake, can anyone help me?!

# Now wait a minute... #

No, uh-uh. No!

# You know you make me wanna shout. #

High blood pressure.

In here.

You'll be safe here, I'll be right back.

VERONIQUE MOANS

Oh, Dick, it's so cold.

What have they done to you? They'll pay for this.

Oh, Dick!

SHE GRUNTS

SHE GROANS

Move 'em, fat head!

Sisters, make 'em holy!

Oh, Dick, you came for me.

Tell me, wh-what's been happening?

Well, I've been doing a lot of soul searching.

I've decided I love you.

But what about my father?

Well, I have to get to know him better.

No, is he OK? Do you have the chip?

No, he's fine and I've got the chip.

Oh, I love you, too.

CAR HORN BLARES

Look out, you crazy nun!

Thank God I stopped you! You could have been killed!

Let me help.

You smell nice.

Where is my father?

Is he safe?

He's safe, Veronique. Safe as you and me.

Ha, so cute!

Safer.

In my country, when an armless weirdo chases your woman,

you must hide her.

Upstairs, apartment 5B.

I'll keep my eyes open.

I just put in new carpet. Take your shoes off.

Oh, Dick.

It's so nice to know everything is going to be all right.

You have the chip

and my father is safe.

You love me, Dick.

Love? Let me tell you about love,

Veronique.

Love is a dew drop on a rose petal.

Love is a drop of rain, pure and shimmering and trembling.

So moist, so wet.

And those tiny little drops of love

come together, gathering up broken buds

and fallen flowers

and dirt

and dung

and deer droppings flowing faster and faster

outward to the sea,

onward and onward and...

SHE GROANS

Goodnight.

We'll talk more in the morning.

MUEZZIN CALL TO PRAYER

DOG BARKS

Hot shots, come and get me.

You no-good juvenile delinquent! Come on!

Cool.

Heads up!

Nice shot. We got you now!

Where's the professor?

With Gilligan, dickweed.

Aaaaargh!!

This is for Getting Even With Dad.

-This is for My Girl.

-And My Girl 2.

I wasn't even in My Girl 2!

BOTH: We don't care!

OK, smart boy, where's the professor?

OK, OK, down the hall to the right.

OK, the left!

Help! Somebody help me!

They're taking us to Kikiree Island!

They've taken him to Rancor.

They won't kill him until he installs the chip.

And not even then. Maybe just torture him.

We'll talk about it on the way. Let's get to Kikiree.

You like this disguise?

It's very good.

I'm proud of this one. Like this, I can look like anybody.

Rancor owns this island.

Natives say stranger things happen here than at Neverland Valley Ranch.

Look.

It's nice.

Kabul, stay in the boat.

Why?

When you hear the words, "Stay in the boat," you stay in the boat.

Bye-bye.

ANIMAL ROARS

Dick, this is crazy.

Crazy? Some people think muttering to yourself is crazy.

I'll tell you what crazy is.

Crazy is having a cantaloupe on your head saying,"I'm a hamster."

"I'm a hamster." That's crazy.

My life's work is now complete.

Your co-operation is commendable. Thank you.

Throw him in the cell.

You said it was for world peace!

Hello, General? Skippy.

They're on the island.

Ah-ha. Yeah.

Well, well, well. What perfect timing.

We are going to have more guests. Steele's not dead.

He's on his way here. Throw her in the cell!

-SHE SOBS

-I thought you loved me!

Nah, I was just using you.

'7 hours, 59 minutes, 41 seconds.

'7 hours, 59 minutes, 38 seconds.

'7 hours, 59 minutes, 3...'

Dick, look out!

I got you now, Steele.

Hey, where are you going?

Take that!

Hey, come back!

Nowhere to go, Steele!

How fast can you run, my friend?

All right, men, tie him up.

OK, go ahead, kill me.

I got a bomb. You touch me and you'll blow up.

You don't think I'd fall for that trick, do ya?

Well, how about the old snake trick?!

Aaaaaargh!!

BEAST ROARS

What is it?

Shh.

BURP

Let's go.

'2 hours, 59 minutes and 26 seconds to launch.'

2 hours, 59 minutes and 21 seconds to launch.

2 hours, 59 minutes and 19 seconds to launch.

We have to get into Rancor's complex. Ready?

Ready.

BELL RINGS

Here, help me with this.

How patriotic, Dick.

And deadly.

Oh, Dick.

-<

-On my mark...Hi, Mark!

Get set!

-Father!

-My child.

Well, well.

Dick Steele.

I'd shake your hand, but I forgot where it landed.

Clever. Clever? Clever(!)

Take their weapons.

Throw her in with the others. Bind him!

Dick Steele?

Miss Dahl.

-Barbara Dahl.

-Get your paws off me, you ape!

You remember Barbara Dahl?

Victoria's daughter? I'd like you to see her go up

like you watched her mother go down,

but I'd rather let you be a dessert for my little pet.

-HE LAUGHS

-What's left of you will watch helplessly

while I play Mortal Kombat with the entire world!

HE LAUGHS

It's gonna blow!

Ha-ha!

You are very immature. Bullies have bad self-esteem.

Ah-ha!

Oh-ho!

Leave me alone! I'm an unarmed man!

Oh, Miss Cheevus.

Dick, I'm sorry.

Ah!

You were under the influence of an evil man.

It was still a lousy thing to do.

Oh, oh!

It's broken. You'll like space. Lots of elbow room and...

Oh, oops, sorry.

'1 minute and 11 seconds.'

ALARM BEEPS

You lose, Steele. That countdown is irreversible.

RANCOR LAUGHS

Really?

Well, let's just see...

..how irreversible that really is.

There is nothing you patriotic pansies can do about it.

Let me tell you what patriotic really is, you scumbag poop.

This is a great country where a man can sue anyone.

It's great because thousands die every year

from handguns, yet right now you can walk into a store anywhere

'and buy one of those guns.'

It's time somebody does what Steele should have done.

And it's gonna be me!

Let's go!!

..to run for President. This is a great country because any moron...

OK, everyone, drop your guns!

I'm, er, taking over.

Steele? Get down from there!

Dick, come on, we have to go. Now!

Oh!

Come on, come on.

I wasn't finished.

Hurry up. Just move it.

I'm c-c-coming!

Steele, you're always doing this to me!

'You lose, Steele! I'll be back!

'Maybe just tissue or brain...'

Open the door! I'm stuck!

I'm going up, but you and your whole world

are going down!

'I'll be back, maybe without legs or minor organs.'

I don't want to miss the fireworks!

Aaaaaaaaaaaargh!!

How about a hand for General Rancor?

'You're not through with me!'

Oh, well!

'Er, Houston, we have a problem.'

# He's always there

# When the chips Are beginning to fall

# He wouldn't care

# If they kicked him and grabbed him

# And shot him and stabbed him

# And nailed Both his ears to the wall

# Facing death every day

# Is a tough job for any man

# But his hours are flexible

# And he's got a great dental plan

# By the way, if you walked in late

# Allow me to reiterate

# The name of this movie

# Was Spy Hard

# They called it Spy Hard

# You just saw Spy Hard

# It's the end of Spy Hard! #

Subtitles by Mali Griffiths IMS

E-mail us at [email protected]