Tadpole

This film contains some strong language.

Snap out of it, Grubber. Miranda Spear, one o'clock.

Hey, Oscar.

Hi, Miranda.

What are you reading?

Voltaire.

You see, Oscar and I were just debating on...

MIRANDA: Voltaire? Really?

That's so cool.

My friends are waiting, so...

See you after break.

Sure.

All right. I'll see you, Miranda.

Oh, my God.

She's totally hot for you.

She's got friends.

You're hooking me up.

I'm not asking her out.

What?

Why not? She's perfect.

Did you see her hands?

I-I wasn't looking at her hands.

Experience, wit, intellect...

All revealed by the hands.

Does she have fat hands?

She had hands like a...

Like a steel worker?

She had hands like a...

child.

MAN SINGING IN FRENCH

CHARLIE: I worry about you, Oscar.

I really do.

Why, because I'm interested in more than websites?

Because you're fetishising hands.

I wouldn't call it a fetish.

You find reasons not to like things.

That's not true.

Like what?

Like Miranda Spear.

Like simple explanations.

I like things I don't understand.

Never gonna get laid that way.

It's not all about getting laid, Charlie.

Yeah, it is.

No, it isn't.

It is so.

What about love?

Yeah. I've heard of it.

It's not like you're in love with someone.

I knew something was up.

Wow. The Grubber, in love.

Who the hell is it?

Someone I've known for a while.

Do I know her?

She doesn't even know...

yet.

All right.

When do you plan on telling her?

That's the thing.

I want to find the right time.

Definitely this weekend. Maybe tonight.

Is she coming over for Thanksgiving?

She'll be there. Why?

I'm coming over for pie.

No, you're not. You're not invited.

Grubbs.

Hi, Tadpole.

Hey, Jimmy.

Home for Thanksgiving?

That's right.

What happened to your hair?

I combed it.

Well, I don't like it.

SOFT JAZZ MUSIC PLAYS

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Hi, Oscar.

Oh, hi, Mrs Lodder.

Diane, please.

Diane, have you seen Eve anywhere?

Yeah, she was just here.

Oh, she went to go get some keys

so she could get in the lab tomorrow.

HORN HONKS Ca va?

Excuse me.

So, Oscar... can we plan on

seeing you at Columbia?

Leave him alone, Dad. He's only a sophomore.

It's never too early

to think about college, Daphne,

as it would behove you to realise.

Actually, Professor Tisch,

I have given some thought to Columbia pre med.

Not history?

Well, I... STANLEY: Excuse me.

May I have your attention, everybody?

I'm sorry to interrupt,

but I'd like to make a short Thanksgiving toast

and then invite you all to commence eating.

First of all,

I'd like to apologise to Native Americans everywhere

for decimating their population,

basically stealing this country from out...

Stick to antiquities, Stanley.

No, no, no. I'm a traditionalist.

And far be it from me to dispense with any excuse

to eat turkey and pecan pie.

And so...

to my recently returned prodigal son.

WOMAN: Hear, hear.

To my distinguished colleagues

at the Columbia History Department

and their families.

And, er...

am I leaving anyone out?

Eve.

Yes, of course,

although not here, she...

DOOR IS UNLOCKED Could it be?

Could it be?

To my lovely wife Eve.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

# She may be the face I can't forget

# A trace of pleasure or regret

# Maybe the treasure

# Or the price I have to pay

# She

# She... #

You turn the corner, then hidden away

in this small forgotten backstreet,

is this old, old house...

DAPHNE: How's your mom, Oscar?

She still in France?

OSCAR: Yeah, she went back a while ago.

When's the last time you saw her?

I went back last summer.

I wish I had an exotic French mother.

There's nothing exotic

about mothers who live on the Upper East Side.

Well, they can be exotic in their own way.

You walk in, and it's a home,

a timeless home. You feel it.

It's hard to put it into words, but...

DAPHNE: My mom brings me back the stupidest things.

That's not what I'm saying.

There was this lovely fresco that...

It's very intimate.

Completely out of context.

DAPHNE: ...too small or whatever.

There was some...

DAPHNE: That's cool. You've got, like,

that look, that faraway look.

That's cool.

I've-been-studying for-four-days thing.

EVE SIGHS

It sounded beautiful.

What's that?

The timeless home.

Oh. Thanks.

I get a little caught up in the whole...

I don't know.

No, no. That's good.

It's good to get caught up

in the feeling of something, the aura.

I mean, if everything could be reduced

to verbalisable facts,

we wouldn't have any need for music, would we?

You might have a point there.

Of course I have a point.

The timeless home, that's like...

The title of some great lost Puccini operetta.

Heh. You're sweet, you know that?

HE POURS THE WINE

So, how are things at...at Chauncey?

Not bad.

Any girls there?

Sure, there are girls.

Well? Any you like?

Well, they're mostly pretty dumb.

They can't all be dumb.

It just seems like

they haven't lived that much, you know?

Well...

We're talking about sophomores, right?

Yeah.

Maybe you should give them a chance, Oscar.

I mean...

They might've lived more than you think.

Sure.

You have high expectations, don't you, Oscar?

Hey.

How are you?

Good.

That's better.

Don't want back problems before you're 40.

So, how's the chiropody business?

Heh. Chiropody is feet.

Huh. Chiropractic?

It's pretty good.

I stare at backs all day.

Can tell a lot about a person by their back.

I've always thought of my spine

as incredibly personal.

I don't think I could show my spine to just anyone.

Maybe if you were in enough pain, you could.

Not even then, maybe.

Throw a couple cubes in there, would you, Diane?

Sure.

How's that endodontist of yours?

Great.

Je suis amoureux de la mere et moi... da-da, la-la.

Oscar.

Je sais, Professor Sherman.

Comme si ce n'etait pas evident.

What is this?

Voltaire?

Oscar.

Voltaire said,

"If God did not exist, he would have to be invented."

He was a funny guy.

STANLEY: Oscar!

Excusez moi.

Professor Tisch wants to stay and gossip

about our colleagues a little longer.

Will you walk Daphne home?

Dad, no.

Daphne's been taking the subways

since she was eight.

She's a good-looking girl, don't you think?

She's all right.

Well, it would be a nice gesture.

An empty gesture.

No, Dad. I'm fatigued this evening.

I've been on trains, in cars,

I've had two lengthy debates

on Voltaire and Henry Miller,

both of which I won, incidentally.

I haven't unpacked yet,

I've got a lot of things to do,

And I'm not gonna stand here and argue

with you about it, all right?

Do you wanna go with me to the Moby concert

on Sunday?

Not really.

I don't go in much for contemporary pop music.

What do you go in for?

You know, regular stuff.

Oscar, contemporary pop music

is regular stuff for a 15-year-old.

Voltaire or whatever is not regular.

Well, we differ.

Yeah.

God, you're like a 40-year-old

trapped in a 15-year-old's body.

I mean, it's not a bad body.

Taxi!

Hold on.

Come on.

I live six blocks from here.

It's cold.

78th and Lex. I have to wake up early.

You are so weird.

OK. Safe trip.

ROMANTIC SONG PLAYS ON JUKEBOX

Hey, happy Thanksgiving, pal.

FRENCH SONG ON JUKEBOX

Say, how old are you, anyway?

40.

Me, too.

Doesn't it suck?

Ah, it's not so bad.

Your wife probably didn't leave you.

I'm not married, actually.

Well, don't wait too long.

All the best ones get taken.

I hear you there.

J'adore les chansons francaises de cette epoque.

You're not French.

It's part of my act.

What act?

You gonna buy me a drink?

Bob, the lady's dry.

Well, I got to go feed the cat.

Why so glum, chum?

I have high expectations.

Yeah, I know what you mean.

You have beautiful hands.

Oh, Jeez.

Oscar?

Oh, hiya, Diane.

Top of the night to you.

Oscar, you don't look so hot.

Oh, don't worry about me.

Hey... Oh, careful!

Careful. Come here.

Come on. Come on.

Let me get you some coffee.

No, no, no. I gotta get home.

No, no. You don't want your father

to see you like this.

My wallet was stolen.

You got mugged?

Sort of.

What do you mean, "sort of"?

She was very pleasant about it.

Take your coat?

No.

Well, come in.

Make yourself comfortable.

Oh. It got chilly in here.

Hey, that's Eve's scarf.

Yeah, I know. I like it.

I might forget to give it back.

Oh! Oh, dear.

OK. What hurts?

OSCAR: Everything.

OK.

Diane? Mm-hm?

What's it like being 40?

Not as bad as people make out.

Except everyone you know seems kind of tired.

Worn out, you mean?

Yeah, like they've seen it all before.

Eve's not like that.

No, Eve's not like that.

And you're not like that.

It's nice.

You know what?

This is really hard to do with your sweater on.

OSCAR: Eve.

Ow!

Oh, Jeez.

Morning.

Diane's good, isn't she?

Yes. Yes.

I'm Phil, the boyfriend.

Boyfriend.

I'm Oscar Grubman. I'm just a friend.

So how long's she been doing you?

This was the first time, I swear to you,

And the only time.

You're kind of young, aren't you?

Yes, way too young.

Young and stupid.

Pinched nerve?

Excuse me?

Did you twist your neck or something?

Hell, I didn't see a chiropractor

till I turned 40.

Oh! Yeah.

Um, very pinched nerve.

Actually 3 of them. Um...

Medial collateral, collateral,

and hyper collateral.

Although the hyper wasn't quite as severe.

So, the old girl give you your money's worth?

Good morning.

Didn't hear you come in.

I just got here. Oscar here was saying

you worked him over pretty good.

No, I didn't. I mean,

yes, you worked out the pinched nerve

in my back.

Yeah, he had quite a knotted muscle.

My God, the pain right here in my shoulder.

Took a lot of work.

Thank God my vocation gives me such pleasure.

We should all be so blessed.

Well, thanks again, Mrs Lodder.

I'll put that check in the mail pronto.

Nice to meet you, Phil.

Hey, you take care, buddy.

I'll walk you out.

Er, please don't bother.

No. It's no bother.

Diane, no-one can ever find out about last night, OK?

OK.

I mean it. I'm serious.

It's very important to me that Eve...

and my dad never find out about this.

OK. All right. I won't tell.

Good. Phil, either. He's a lot bigger than me.

Actually, he's not.

Diane, please.

OK. All right. Mum's the word.

Thank you.

DIANE: Give that to Eve for me.

Hey, Oscar.

That girl sure was pretty.

Who?

Professor Tisch's girl.

Oh, Daphne.

Yeah, I guess she's pretty.

Is she new to the pond, Tadpole?

Don't you sleep?

FLOORBOARD CREAKS

STANLEY: So.

Hi, Dad.

I didn't hear you come in.

Daphne and I got to talking last night.

Is that right?

Is Eve around?

No. She left for work at dawn.

Why is she working today?

She likes to go in

when there's no-one around to bug her.

So she's by herself.

What's that?

Nothing. Nothing.

Picnic?

Sort of.

But you have time to help old dad

do some grocery shopping, don't you?

Now?

Yeah. Come on.

Dad, I thought you were gonna

take some time to work on your book today.

Well, come on. I mean, that can wait.

How many people really are dying to read

The Life And Times Of Arnobias Of Sicca?

Well, I think you really underestimate your audience.

There are a lot of Arnobias of Sicca fans

out there that you're completely unaware of.

Really? You think so?

Yeah.

I mean, the kids at school...

the ones in the know, anyway...

talk about Arnobias of Sicca

like he was THE hip ancient scholar.

Arnobias. Really?

You picked a winner.

You should feel really good about it

and really motivated.

You put it that way,

I...I do feel pretty damn motivated.

Either way, we need paper towels, cereal,

and we're completely out of cheesecake.

Dad, I'm not really into cheesecake any more.

Grab your coat.

WOMAN: Taxi!

HORNS HONK

Who is she, Oscar?

Who, Dad?

Where did you sleep last night?

I know it wasn't at Charlie's.

Come clean.

This is your old man here.

What happened? Did you, er...

run into some buddies from Chauncey...

go downtown, get a couple of beers,

and stare at the hippies in Greenwich Village?

There are no hippies in Greenwich Village any more, Dad.

What is it now? Punks, druggies,

folk-mopers, cross-dressers, bikers?

Bankers.

Bankers?

Oh, God, has it come to that?

I'm afraid so.

What a state of affairs. Bankers?

So where DID you spend the night?

I ran into a...into... A girl?

Yes, a girl.

A pretty girl?

Yes, a pretty girl.

Oh, Oscar.

It wasn't a... you know...

it wasn't a call girl?

Dad!

Of course it wasn't a call girl.

What's wrong with you?

Kids are crazy these days.

I bumped into a girl.

From Chauncey?

Yes, a girl from Chauncey.

Well, what was her name, Oscar?

Her name?

Is it someone even I should meet?

No!

I mean, there just isn't any point.

Her name's, er, Miranda Spear,

and she's just some dumb girl...

Hey, have some respect, Oscar.

Maybe this girl's only 15, 16.

And maybe right now her interests

are different from yours, but...

girls have things to say.

They can be funny.

Consider them, Oscar. Listen to them.

So, I should listen to girls

like you listen to Eve, you mean?

Exactly.

BIRDS TWITTER

MAN SINGS "She" IN FRENCH

CORK POPS

GLASSES CLINK

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

Oscar.

What a nice surprise.

I brought you lunch.

You're kidding.

EVE LAUGHS

Wait. Wait one second.

Wow. Cookies, too.

Yeah. I know you like 'em.

Thank you.

So, what are you working on?

I'm monitoring the depolarisation

of cardiac myocytes.

Oh. Hmm.

Pericardium.

Mitral, aorta...

Such beautiful words.

Poetry.

Never thought of it that way.

It's, er, pretty complicated business.

No. The heart is simple.

Fixing it is complicated.

So, when you're...

working on...

whatever it is you're working on,

I mean...

How do you see the heart as anything more than a...?

Than a pump.

Yeah.

I mean, in the end, it's just an organ, right,

but, symbolically...?

Your heart can fit right in my hand.

The heart is this incredibly smart machine.

It beats 70-80 times a minute,

and in the space of each beat

sends deoxygenated blood to your lungs

and oxygenated blood to all your organs.

Cut the aorta, and you'll release

a jet of blood that hits the ceiling.

Now, who needs to use it as a symbol

when the thing itself is so magnificent?

The thing itself.

Hmm.

Well, as a symbol, it should be replaced.

The heart's had its day.

Why not the kidney as a symbol of love,

or the liver?

Hmm. "You broke my liver."

"My liver aches for you"?

Doesn't rhyme as well,

you know, for country songs and Shakespeare.

Sure it does.

"I'm aquiver.

"Please deliver.

"Deep as a river,

"my love, my liver."

I just can't...

TELEPHONE RINGS

RING

Hello?

Hi. Oscar's here, visiting.

Yeah. I know.

OK.

Your father says, "Don't forget

"we're having dinner tonight."

I haven't forgotten!

He says, "Did you ask Miranda Spear to join us?"

Who?

Miranda...

No. No! Tonight's family night.

Well, don't worry about that, Oscar.

I mean, Diane is coming.

Diane? And Phil.

It sure would be nice to see Diane and Phil.

Have you met Phil?

I think so.

Well, Phil isn't coming, OK?

Diane likes to keep her options open.

It's just Diane, right? Yeah. I thought so.

DOORBELL RINGS

Hey, buddy. Come on in.

Is Diane around?

She isn't.

Is your back still bothering you?

Well, come on in.

I'll give you a rub-a-dub.

Thanks, anyway.

I'd rather not trust my back to a dentist.

Eh, the old gal taught me a few tricks.

Why do you call her "old gal"?

You make her sound like she's a horse.

Actually, she's more of a wild cat.

Diane's with the girls down at Payard

if your back's really that bad.

Hey, you know, buddy!

You're gonna have to learn to relax.

You're gonna be dead before you reach 20.

CAR HORN HONKS

PIANO PLAYS

MAN: Thank you very much.

Here you go.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

No, you didn't.

Is that right?

Diane.

Can I talk to you for a minute, please?

You must be Oscar.

I'm Samantha.

So, it sounds like you have some

interesting ideas about French philosophy.

Yes. Er, Diane was telling us

that you regard Voltaire

as a comedian.

Well, I think that when you look at his body...

Excuse me.

Diane, can I talk to you for a minute, please?

In a minute, Oscar.

Oscar... have some tea.

The assertion that all man's actions

are essentially self-serving

has never been taken in the spirit it was intended,

which was a quote, a quote.

And that's what Adam Smith was really saying

In The Wealth Of Nations.

At least, that's what I've always thought.

More tea, Oscar?

Thank you, Abigail.

Now, most people are going to tell you

that Quine's belief in the inherent goodness...

But, Oscar, I don't see how you can dismiss

Mirabaud so easily.

Mirabaud never even got out of the gate.

Oh, you naughty girl.

Where did you find him?

Isn't he lovely?

He's so passionate,

and he really listens.

Do you mind if I give him my number?

No. Go ahead.

Oscar...

I'd love to chat more with you

about this sometime,

or, um, about anything.

I'm pretty busy with midterms and all.

Anything...any time.

Bye, Oscar.

Bye, Samantha.

Bye, Oscar.

Abigail.

Bye, Diane. Bye, girls.

Well...

Oscar, it was a pleasure to meet you.

Pleasure.

You two be good. SHE LAUGHS

I'll call you tomorrow.

Diane.

Mm-hm.

You didn't, er,

tell anybody about what happened last night,

did you?

Does it matter if I had?

You're a grown-up...

or close enough.

Did you?

I didn't say anything definite.

I may have hinted a little.

Hinted?

Why do they need hints? This isn't charades.

What if one of them tells Phil?

Phil, schmil.

"Phil, schmil?"

That isn't very nice.

That isn't very sensitive at all.

Oscar, please.

Phil and I are not an item.

Ahem. Excuse me. There's no smoking.

OK.

Forget about Phil.

Diane, I'd like to ask you

not to come to dinner tonight.

Not go to Cafe Balou?

Are you kidding? Your father's paying.

I want to minimise the likelihood

of your blabbing to Eve.

Maybe you've already told Eve.

I haven't even seen Eve yet.

Yet? Do you plan to tell her?

Oscar, Eve and I grew up together.

Jeez, the stories I could tell you

about Eve when we were 15.

You wouldn't have recognised her.

I don't want to hear it.

When we were 15,

Eve had this thing for Elvis.

Elvis Presley?

Hmm.

Flipped for any guy in sideburns.

Sideburns?

What's so great about sideburns?

I don't know.

The strangest things made her happy.

She was always happy back then.

Back then?

Are you saying now she isn't?

No. That wasn't my intention.

Look. You know what? Let's just forget it.

I shouldn't have said anything.

No. We can't just forget it.

We're talking about Eve's happiness here.

Well, I guess I can confide in you.

We're close now, right?

In a manner of speaking.

OK. Ahem.

I don't think Eve is happy.

There's a void. Something's missing.

What makes you say that?

It's a woman thing. I sense it.

I feel it.

Plus, last week, she said there was a void

and something was missing.

Did she say what?

Couldn't put her finger on it.

I wouldn't worry about it. She'll get over it.

CHARLIE: So, who is this girl?

A friend of the family's.

You gonna see each other again?

Tonight.

But her best friend's gonna be there.

Well, is the friend cute?

I wouldn't call her cute, exactly.

I mean, would I like her?

Well, you know,

I slept with her last night.

With the friend?

Damn!

Yeah, with the friend.

But you don't like the friend.

Not really. Not like that.

But you're going to dinner with both of them...

the woman you like

and the woman you slept with?

Yeah. My dad's coming, too.

Nothing's simple for the Grubber.

Talk to me, Oscar.

What's going on here?

I don't know, Charlie.

I found her.

The girl with the great hands.

Terrific hands.

CHARLIE: Are you gonna tell me her name?

Eve.

Eve...like your mother.

Eve's not my mother. She's my stepmother.

We're not blood relatives at all.

Wait. So, your Eve is that Eve?

Your mother.

She's very wise... and soft.

Are you out of your mind?

Do you want to end up in hell or something?

Charlie, I love her.

Oscar, Eve is married to your father.

I know, but I sense there's a void there.

Something missing.

She needs something more in her life.

Oh, and that would be you...her stepson.

I mean, hey, I know you're French,

and you have, like, a different idea

of family relations, but...

Wait...this means you slept with Diane.

I realise that was a mistake.

She was wearing Eve's scarf. It smelled of her perfume.

I got confused.

Er...I mean,

Diane's pretty hot.... for that age group.

These look fake.

You really fucked up.

Charlie, help me. I need sideburns.

Well...all right. Let me think.

DOG BARKS

DOG BARKS

HE HUMS "Ode To Joy"

STANLEY: I know we've talked about it

just being the two of us,

but the Shermans love Beethoven, as it turns out.

Is it all right with you if they come with us?

Honey? Did you hear me?

EVE: Sure. Fine.

STANLEY: Norm knows the Galea like the back of his hand.

He'll be humming along, like he did with Carmen.

Remember that?

STANLEY: Eve, have you seen my tie?

Honey?

Honey, I want the tie

the Shermans gave me for Christmas.

DOORBELL BUZZES

Hi.

Hi.

You look nice.

You look...er... different.

Worse or better?

Very handsome.

You're making me nervous.

Relax, I'll be very good tonight.

Just don't let me drink.

OSCAR SIGHS

He looks over at me and he goes,

"You know, you have really beautiful eyes."

I go, "Yeah, I know that."

But, you know, we're in a movie theatre.

There's no way he could see my eyes.

It's dark.

So, he goes, "You know what's wrong

"with the modern woman?

"They're acutely sensitive."

So, Oscar...are you happy at Chauncey?

You already asked me that, Dad.

I did?

And what did you say?

I said it was OK.

Sometimes you don't listen so good.

So well. Listen so well.

See, you correct, or you add facts,

or you give your own little anecdotes,

but you don't really absorb the reason

the person is saying the thing that she is.

She? Me, I mean.

The reason I'm telling you something.

Hmm, that's interesting.

And silence, Dad.

Silence?

Listen to what it tells you.

Sometimes it's peaceful,

sometimes it's a shrill scream.

Honey, this is Bob Spear.

Oh, pleased to meet you.

This is my daughter, Miranda.

Oh, how's Chauncey treating you, Miranda?

MIRANDA: Good.

Have a nice holiday. You, too.

BOB SPEAR: Nice to meet you.

STANLEY: Hello, I'm Stanley Grubman,

Oscar's father.

Oscar Grubman? He's here.

STANLEY: This is such a coincidence.

We were just talking about you,

er, today. About, er...

Dad! Dad!

I was just meeting your friend here.

And if you don't mind my saying so,

she is a little firecracker.

OSCAR: I think Eve wants to see you.

She has to give you a pill or something.

What pill?

For your...condition.

For my cholesterol?

Yes. Yes. Your cholesterol.

I'm sorry. He gets a little confused.

How are you, Oscar?

Er, fine.

Happy Thanksgiving.

What are you two talking about?

Colorado.

What's this about pills?

He's never been to Colorado.

Oscar, you're acting very strangely.

What pills?

Bon soir. Would you like to take something to drink?

May we see a wine list, please?

Oubliez le vin, personne n'en veux.

WAITER: What's this? No wine?

Pardon?

The boy, he says you are not in the mood for wine.

Oscar...

STANLEY: Oscar.

I'm in the mood.

Moi aussi.

Shouldn't we take a break once in a while?

I mean, what are we, dependent?

We can't have a good time without alcohol?

Oscar, you're making it sound

as if we have a problem.

Fine.

Wine list, please.

CORK POPS

STANLEY: But why Portugal?

When people go to Portugal,

I always think all the hotel rooms in Spain

must have been booked.

EVE: See, to me,

Portugal is the one that's always held

the eternal mystery.

Oh...

None for me, thanks.

Monsieur, des salades vertes et chanterelles sans oignons,

et s'il vous plait, tres peu de persil.

Pour monsieur, un filet mignon un peu saignant, des poivreaux au lieu des frites.

Une nicoise sans anchois.

Et pour moi, le saumon, s'il vous plait, prepare sans persil...

And what do you want, Diane?

WINE IS POURED

OSCAR: Peter says I may have a shot at the English prize

if I read Beowulf properly.

That is, taking into account the times,

instead of reading it with a contemporary slant.

You can't discount history, Oscar.

No, you can't.

You can't discount it at all.

WINE IS POURED

STANLEY: The sales representative,

this 25-year-old kid who's talking to me

about book jackets for 4 hours,

I went cross-eyed...

DIANE: How many pages you got there, Stanley?

STANLEY: Well, I have about 715...

How are you?

I'm good.

No...how are you?

I'm good, Oscar.

It's good to see you.

You, too.

Are you sure you don't have a girlfriend

at Chauncey?

I would think they'd be lining up.

Eve...I've been thinking about maybe going premed.

Maybe Columbia.

I'd be in the city, we could meet...

to go over my homework.

I mean, if you'd be willing.

Well, I'd love to, Oscar,

but you love literature.

You're fluent in French.

You should be a scholar.

A lot of medicine's in Latin, right?

So I figure, French, Latin...

I'm not doing so badly in biology.

I mean, I know what an isotope is.

But if you went premed,

you couldn't get caught up in the poetry

of the pericardium.

I would get caught up in the poetry

of the thing itself, like you do.

EVE: Don't quote me back to myself.

Is the world really waiting for another academic?

STANLEY: ...a new subject,

something I am passionate...

Diane?

Diane, would you pass the bread, please?

Ahem.

Thank you.

Are you coming down with something?

I'm fine.

Are we still playing tennis tomorrow?

Oh, is that tomorrow, tennis?

Don't you think you've had enough?

STANLEY: ...look at some first editions

he just bought.

He suspects he's been swindled.

Tu ne peux pas etre un peu plus relaxe? Je dis rien de moi.

Tu m'enerves!

OK. Maybe you could go to Norm's

in the afternoon.

STANLEY: I could.

I could go in the afternoon...

Est-ce que tu peux enlever ton pied?

Est-ce que tu peux enlever ton pied?

The thing is, I hate tennis.

I have the court booked.

I'll play tennis with you, Eve.

I love tennis.

Yes, Oscar's a wonderful sport.

There you go. Oscar'll play with you.

You will? You don't mind?

Not at all.

Oscar is very gallant.

(Oscar has a new girlfriend.)

Really? Mm-hm.

It seems last evening

he had quite the late-night conversation.

Oh, tell us about it.

Diane, wine is bad for your heart.

I thought wine was good for your heart.

It is, in moderation.

So, who is this girl, Oscar?

She's quite a little number, by the looks of her.

I thought the girls at Chauncey

hadn't lived enough.

Can we change the subject, please?

Well, if we're going to change the subject,

I'm going to excuse myself for the ladies' room.

Excuse me.

I think that's why he's acting so strangely.

What the hell are you doing?!

What do you mean?

What do I mean? You're drinking,

you're making these jokes,

you have your foot in my crotch...

Loosen up. Loosen up?

I asked you not to let them know.

HE CHUCKLES

THEN CHOKES

Oh, my!

EVE: What is it?

Something very unusual.

(No-one knows anything.)

EVE: What is that on your face?

What?

Oh! Aah!

Ow!

Do you two have something

you'd like to share with us?

What?

Oh, God.

What's going on?

Well?

OK, I think what we're talking about here

is Prufigger's theory of distortion,

which states that prismatic effect of a body

reflected on a plane at a certain angle...

Stanley, what is it?

..an illusion...

Oh, what the hell?! We're all adults here.

No, actually, we're not.

Eve...

..Oscar and I...

..both speak French.

DIANE: Oscar and I are lovers.

What?!

What?! Are you drunk?

Oscar, just relax.

I saw them in the mirror.

I just hope Miranda Spear

didn't see it, too.

Dad, there is no Miranda Spear.

There is no Mir... What are you talking about?

I just shook hands with her father.

EVE: When did this happen?

Last night?

Mm-hm.

Stanley...

Of course, you know, it's not that uncommon.

In Ancient Rome, 50-year-old men

would marry 14-year-old girls.

This is not Ancient Rome.

I am nowhere near 50!

Well, it is all very The Graduate.

Except that Oscar hasn't graduated.

THUNDER RUMBLES

There.

Thanks.

So, you coming to bed soon?

Er, in a while.

I just have to finish these chapter notes.

Good night, sweetheart.

DIANE: I just don't see why you're so upset.

I'm entrusted with his welfare, Diane.

I mean, can you imagine

if Oscar's mother found out?

She's French, isn't she?

They're not all like that, OK?

You're taking advantage of him.

Oh, bullshit, Eve.

Oscar's a smart kid.

Now, there are some 40-year-old men

of whom I am taking advantage.

Am I overreacting? He's 15!

Well, you and I were hardly innocent

when we were 15.

Who went to the Jefferson Airplane concert

and pulled down their tube top and...?

That's different, OK?

All right, that's different.

I know why you're upset.

You're upset because you know

that deep down inside,

if our situations were reversed,

you would have done the exact same thing.

Don't be ridiculous.

You would have.

With a 15-year-old?! Not on your life.

Not just a 15-year-old.

A smart, sweet, passionate person.

You're not the only one with something missing.

Samantha Steadman gave Oscar

her phone number.

And you let her?

He can take care of himself.

I'm not his mother. Neither are you.

What is wrong with your friends?

Nothing. Jesus.

And if you hadn't met somebody

in a really long time

who was very excited about life,

you would consider a 15-year-old.

EVE: Love-30.

Or, 0-30.

As if you know what love means.

Comes from the French word for egg.

L'oeuf.

Eve...

I know how it must look.

I understand how misled you must feel.

I spoke of poetic thoughts...

of love and livers

merely hours after having cheap,

meaningless sexual intercourse

with your best friend.

No.

That's 15-30, right?

Serve!

Eve...

sometimes the natural call of man

is just too strong to... No. Ugh.

So that's 15-40, right?

A ratio you seem particularly fond of.

And, yes, Eve, true passion does still exist,

and I know this

because I'm a man who feels true passion.

I think you'll be fine.

CHARLIE: If you're gonna mess with

the stuff of Greek tragedies, Oscar,

you're gonna have to be prepared for the fallout.

Charlie, help me.

OK, let's look at this rationally.

If you had met Eve in, say, a coffee shop,

would you still be attracted to her?

I mean, it's not just cos she's your mother, is it?

She's not my mother. Stop saying that.

DOG BARKS

OK, look, maybe it's not your fault.

I mean, since your father's been married to another woman,

in the eyes of the church, he's a polygamist.

So maybe you're just genetically predisposed...

that is, programmed to repeat the mistakes

or sins of your biological...

Shut up, Charlie.

KNOCKING ON DOOR

You kids having fun?

Do you want some cookies or anything?

No, Ma, we're fine.

My, Oscar,

I can't believe how big you've gotten.

Yeah, I guess I hit quite a spurt there.

All right, yeah, er...

All right, Ma, thanks.

And I'll, er, see you later.

Stick to your own mom, will you?

Hey, Jimmy.

What's on your mind, Tadpole?

Nobody calls me that any more, Jimmy.

What do they call you now?

Stupid.

Everything's messed up.

Well, what's the trouble, Tadp...

er, Stupid?

Women, I guess.

Not girls?

No, they're definitely women.

No women...

No cry.

Thanks for that, Jimmy.

I made you a sandwich.

Thanks.

Grilled cheese - my favourite.

I know.

Good thing it's something I can actually cook.

Dad always burns them.

He won't use Teflon.

Well, he's a traditionalist.

These, er... Teflon make

replacement heart valves, right?

You know way too much for a 15-year-old.

Nothing worth knowing.

That's not true, Oscar, plenty worth knowing.

You know...

..with Diane...

Oscar, I've already decided

it's really none of my business.

You are old enough to make your own decisions.

I want to explain.

With Diane, well...

..it was Teflon sex.

Pardon me?

She was doing this thing to my back - pressing...

and I was drunk, she's a chiropractor,

that kind of thing.

That kind of thing.

Hormones racing out of control, or pheromones.

I'm not that kind of a person.

You told me once that it could be years

before anyone really understood

what the hell I was talking about

but that the day would come

when everyone caught up to me,

and while I knew

that maybe you were just being kind,

I knew one thing.

..that I love...

..things.

And, and, er...

It's OK.

And there was Diane,

and she was...

..wearing your scarf.

I better do the dishes.

DOOR SHUTS

Well, I lost big-time.

Look at you.

You're a good boy, Oscar.

Where's Eve?

How should I know?

In bed, probably.

Probably.

That professor Tisch, I think he's a cheat.

I bet he palms off the bottom of the deck.

Oscar, have you noticed

anything different about Eve this weekend?

Different?

Like what?

I don't know, for the last few months,

she's been going to bed earlier.

Maybe she's just tired or...

Or what?

I don't know what.

Maybe I'm missing something.

I thought about what you said last night.

Maybe I haven't been listening too well.

Then again, maybe I'm just imagining things.

# Tom, get your plane right on time

# I know your part'll go fine

# Fly down to Mexico

# Do-n-do-n-do-n-do and here I am

# The only living boy in New York

# I get the news I need on the weather report

# I can gather all the news I need on the weather report

# Hey, I got nothing to do today but smile

# Do-n-do-n-do-n-do and here I am

# The only living boy in New York

# Half of the time we're gone but we don't know where

# And we don't know when

# Ah-h-h-h-h-h... #

I'll get your ticket. I'll be right back.

You have a loose button.

I'd sew it for you, but I don't sew.

I know.

I'm not a very good mother...

Step-mother.

Who says they have to cook and sew?

Anyway, you know how to monitor

cardiac myocytes - that's enough.

How's your liver?

Hurts.

Broken?

No.

I love your father very much.

Me, too.

So, see you back here in about three weeks?

You two look very serious.

We're talking about Christmas.

Oscar's going to his mother's in France.

He is?

We're going to Portugal, just the two of us.

We are?

If you want.

Hey.

Bye, sweetie.

Here.

Thanks, Oscar.

You're welcome.

See you at school.

OK.

If we don't find anything pleasant,

at least we shall find something new.

What's that?

Voltaire.

Oh, right.

See you at school.

She is so hot for you.

She smells nice.

She what?

So, what happened with Eve?

Come on, talk to me, Grubber.

Well, it wasn't as important as I thought it was.

# ..Of how the others must see the faker

# I'm much too fast to take that test

# Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

# Turn and face the strain

# Ch-ch-ch-changes

# Don't want to be a richer man

# Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

# Turn and face the strain

# Ch-ch-ch-changes

# Just gonna have to be a different man

# Time may change me

# But I can't trace time

# Ooh yeah

# I watch the ripples change their size

# But never leave the stream of warm impermanence

# And so the days float through my eyes

# But still the days seem the same

# And these children that you spit on

# As they try to change their worlds

# Are immune to your consultations

# They're quite aware what they're going through

# Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

# Turn and face the strain

# Ch-ch-changes

# Don't tell them to grow up and out of it

# Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

# Turn and face the strain

# Ch-ch-changes

# Where's your shame?

# You've left us up to our necks in it

# Time may change me

# But you can't trace time

# Strange fascination, fascinating me

# Changes are taking the pace I'm going through

# Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

# Turn and face the strain

# Ch-ch-changes

# Ooh, look out you rock 'n' rollers

# Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes

# Turn and face the strain

# Ch-ch-changes

# Pretty soon now you're gonna get older

# Time may change me

# But I can't trace time

# I said that time may change me

# But I can't trace time. #

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd