Tapeheads

This programme contains very strong language.

-Everybody ready?

-Yes.

-I'll thread it up.

OK, put this on the table.

-Everybody comfortable?

-Yeah.

Gee...

Oh, no.

The camera is ready to roll and look at my boy, it's his birthday.

PROJECTOR JUDDERS

Oh, fuck it.

-Lights, camera...

-Action!

-Here's Josh!

There's my buddy.

Look at that smile.

-Hey, there's grandpa.

-Oh, hey, hey.

Here's where we first met, Ivan. Remember that?

Boys, you were so cute!

Ha, funny(!)

There's those two negro performers, the Stinky Moods.

-Swanky Modes.

-Oh, yeah, I got it, the Swanky Modes.

Whatever happened to them anyway?

They're legends.

Slap, underneath...

-Please don't do that.

-Boom. That was really fun.

Oh, tough break.

Babe Ruth, play-offs.

Come on, Josh, get that big hit.

This is when he struck out. Bottom of the ninth, bases loaded,

we lost the section three division.

And the 4C regionals.

Dad, get over it.

-Why didn't you bunt?

-You struck out, man.

-I told you to bunt.

-You said swing away.

-I didn't say that. Bunt.

-Second place. What was that, honey?

A high-gain radio frequency electro-static storage unit.

-Oh, yeah.

-Mine, can you see it? Look.

-What was yours, Ivan?

An edible tuba. First place.

Denise Trattagnia, my first love.

She's a physical therapist now. Did you know that?

I really liked Peggy Cornash.

How many stitches did she get, Josh?

It was an accident. Could happen to anybody.

Prom night in the emergency ward having her breast stitched up -

-what a date.

-Shut up!

Look at these clowns.

-Watch, watch the car. Watch.

-I'm watching!

-Put on the parking brake, Dad.

-Seen it.

This part gets me every single time. I just...

-I just feel like crying.

-This is the part that always makes me want to puke.

Not a bad little film, Joshy boy. Gets better every year.

Happy birthday, honey.

-Thanks, Mom.

-Not half bad? It's crap.

Crummy, lousy senior class project.

-What's he done since? Nothing.

-Sidney...

-Zero.

-Dad...

-Sidney...

-Called Stu Beaumont yet?

-Dad, I don't think I'd really be happy at H&R Block.

-Happy?

Sidney, don't start.

-I gotta go, Mom. Come on, Ivan, we're late.

-I'll save the cake for you, boys.

Dad put his fingers in it.

You didn't even let him have a piece of his birthday cake.

-Why are you always starting things?

-I asked him to call Stu Beaumont.

Josh, after seeing that film of yours for the fourth time

in four years, I've come to the conclusion that your life is fucked.

-Your parents are right.

-Fucked?

You're doing the same thing I'm doing.

I mean, you got me this security job.

But there's a big difference, brother.

I got a shitty job, right? But I know it's a shitty job.

You, you got no ambition.

You're content just existing.

You need what I got.

Herpes?

No, balls.

Come on, let's go.

BEEPING

-You boys are three minutes late.

-I know that, Sir, but Josh has a very good excuse.

-Why don't you just tell him, Josh?

-Yeah, why don't you tell me?

Er, you see, it's, erm...

-Three minutes is 5% of an hour.

-Er, yeah, erm...

It's kind of unbelievable, er...

Anybody else that saved Pablo Casals,

perhaps the greatest cellist in the world,

from a fiery car wreck on Sunset Boulevard would brag about it.

Not Josh. He didn't want to spoil the 11 o'clock news for you.

Don't bullshit me. I'm a big cello fan.

Casals died years ago.

Now get the hell out of here, boys, and man your stations.

Move it!

-Are you crazy?

-Uh-huh.

Where you going? We're supposed to be at our stations.

-I've got it covered.

-What do you mean covered?

-Norton can see everything.

-No, he can't.

I did that wire-switching thing you showed me.

Repatched the digital frame store with the recycle programme?

-Did it work?

-I hope so.

Ivan...

Ivan, what's going on?

What are you doing?

Let's go!

Here he is. Happy birthday, Josh!

-Who are all these people?

-I guess they saw the ad.

No, no, you can't come in here.

This is a high-security complex.

TV: ..the latest casualty in a rash of hostile takeovers was the US Postal Service.

-Postal Service board of directors tried to wage...

-It works.

-What works?

-Oh, er...

We were.

Right, Sir?

Take over.

..is spiralling towards Earth at incredible speed.

Nasa advise us, however, there is no cause for alarm.

CHATTING AND LAUGHTER

Oh, no.

Oh, jeez.

The DJ has arrived!

Don't you think this is getting out of hand?

Yeah, don't mention it.

MUSIC PLAYS

BOTH: Swanky Modes!

Uno, dos, quatro.

Suck on this, Stu Beaumont.

Very impressive, JT.

But here's my chance, I gots to dance!

Is it recording?

This thing recording??

# That's when you hooked on me, baby

# Threw the net around my heart

# I said you hooked, hooked

# On me, lady

# Now we'll never, ever

# Never, never drift apart

# That lady kissed a frog and it turned into a prince

# Then she kissed Pepe Le Pew and that skunk starts speaking French

# I've been waiting with my lips all puckered

# I wanna be your lover, and not your supper

# That's when you hooked, hooked

# On me, baby

# Threw a net around my heart.

# I said you hooked, hooked

# On me, lady

# Now we'll never, ever

# Never, never drift apart

# Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...

SOOTHING MUSIC

APPROACHING FOOTSTEPS

UNZIPPING

TINKLING

ZIPPING

TOILET FLUSHES

# ..Hooked

# I said, I said you hooked

# I said you hooked me, baby. #

INTERMITTENT BEEPING

Did you see anything strange?

No. Strange? No.

What do you mean, "No"?

-I saw a UFOP.

-UFOP?

Unidentified female on premises.

No, no, sir, I haven't seen anything...

Bail, pin dick! I'm commandeerin' this puppy.

Ivan!

Everybody, listen up, listen up. Let's all show Josh what we think of him.

Let's pitch in and help clean up.

-They love you, man!

-Fuck off. Woo!

Yeah! Woo!

Oh, sh...!

BARMAN: Closing time.

Josh, losing those jobs was the best thing that ever happened to us.

Free to pursue our destiny.

What? Dismal failure?

Negativity festers in you, man.

How'd you get to be my friend?

Ooh, check this out.

Stupid, inane,

vapid, mind-rot, stench, pabble.

Yeah, it's all right.

You could that.

I could do better than that.

You're right, you could. Where's that video you made tonight?

Quick, give it to me.

Easy, easy.

Did you know that you're a creative genius?

LAUGHTER

All right, maybe not a genius, but he certainly is creative.

Know what you are? He's an artist.

-I'm unemployed.

-All good artists are!

Till they find a manager, a guy like me who will mould their talents into cold, hard cash.

A guy who will tap into that vast store of potential

that lies dormant beneath that drab little exterior.

You're so full of shit.

Yeah, well, a lot of people out there

who are full of shit are making money and I'm not gonna be the exception.

This is our ticket and you are going to start making music videos.

-Me?

-Carshels...

Carshels, the video guy.

-Carshels...

-Bottoms up, ace.

Video Aces, that's what we'll call ourselves.

Video Aces, would you like that?

We are going to become the most sought-after team on Earth.

You gave up jobs with security for show business?

How many times have I told you, show business is a...

Lousy business, right.

But you're in show business.

Yeah, but that's different, I'm Conan from the Universal Studio Tours.

It's a great job. And for everybody in this business that makes it like me, 100 don't.

Look, Dad, video is the future. We can't lose.

Ha!

I'm gonna make him eat that syllable.

Roses are red,

violets are blue.

the Russians have satellite laser weapons,

why can't we, too?

OK, kids.

Hit it.

THEY SING RING-A-RING-A ROSES

Vote for Norman Mart for President.

Here's what the people have to say.

The man knows something about foreign policy.

"This country needs someone who's a winner."

To be honest, he's a good politician.

Be like me and vote for Norman Mart...

Sidney!

Ner, ner, ner, ner...

Ahhhh!!

Hello, and welcome to the world corporate headquarters of Video Aces.

-How many phone lines do you presently have?

-Hi, Mom.

Josh, what is that cable doing in my living room?

That's just until we get 220 installed in the house, Dad.

Stu Beaumont told me you forgot to call him today.

Dad, I finally realised what I wanna do with my life.

You should be happy for me.

I'm happy. You happy, Mum?

I don't think so, Son.

You just don't understand.

Sid, Josh is a visual visionary.

He communicates in images, not antiquated verbosity.

That could be why he's difficult to understand.

Well, I'm not gonna be difficult to understand.

Get that crap out of here now!

No! This is my big opportunity and I'm not gonna blow it.

-Ow!

-Could this be dangerous?

Ow!

IVAN SINGS TO MUSIC

"Chino townhouse. 1,900 down." Not bad.

You know, Josh, in primitive societies,

after they sever the umbilical cord, they eat the placenta

in a ritualistic ceremony.

-Wanna bite?

-Let's head downtown.

We'll find something there, it's cheaper.

Smoggy, harsh, ugly, rat-infested.

This place looks pretty weird, Ivan.

Hi, the door was open.

We're here about the loft.

You guys wanna share this space?

Er...

Well, we did. But we have some very specific needs.

There is our corporate image to think about.

Security. I mean, that door was wide open.

Power, access to power, you understand.

Of course, you probably also had to work out some sort of

-mutually satisfactory rental agreement, so...

-Is that it?

This place is free, my dad owns it.

Free?! We'll take it.

-That sounds great.

-Great.

Oh, watch this. Congratulations, Josh...

Come meet our new friend.

Hi, I'm Belinda.

You like it?

Like it? What is it?

-I call it destruction of art.

-Uh-huh.

Think of that little train, when you were in school and read that book.

"I think I can, I think I can."

But now the train's not saying, "I think I can,"

it's saying, "Cash flow, cash flow, cash flow."

Shouldn't you be on that train, going up that mountain to personal freedom?

The book, Prosperity to Exploitation, I wrote

when I was broke is like owning the keys to my brain.

It's like having the ability to just reach in, open up my head and diving in.

But without all the mess.

Ivan, why aren't you helping Josh set up the equipment?

He's an artist, he's hands on.

You know what I do?

Use my selling techniques to get my friend the personal freedom he needs.

Freedom of choice is possibilities.

That is what I'm about. Boring administrative stuff.

I envy him.

I'm not just any get-rich-quick guy...

-Could you get me another drink?

-Yeah.

Look, Ivan. I hope you're not putting too much faith in me.

I don't even know if I...

If - Instant Failure. Fear - False Evidence Appearing Real.

We've talked about this. Come on, now's not the time for doubt.

Now's the time for action.

Shit, man, you're a genius.

-Yeah, right.

-You are.

-Your family saying, "I love you."

-Thanks.

-"Thanks a lot for listening."

-Could you move?

-What?

-Move over, I can't... I can't see.

Oh, right.

We've got the lowest waffle prices and the lowest chicken prices in town.

We have got the competition scared chicken with our low prices.

-What a geek.

-I don't think he's so bad.

He's a moron.

..drumstick economy dinner.

-I feel he's evocative, without being too expansive.

-Belinda, that's crap.

-You could do better?

-Yeah.

Yeah, as a matter of fact, I could.

...Lady Bird Johnson off ramp and cut in left. You can park in the...

Hi, Roscoe, Ivan Alexeev, Video Aces.

DIFFERENT VOICE: Yo, friends, check this out!

# Roscoe's the name and they call me the king

# Grand master of the chicken and the waffle thing

# I said now read my lips, and, friends, don't miss a word

# Cos the grandmaster's gonna give you the bird!

# Come to Roscoe's for delicious food

# We've got fuel for your attitude

# Now, I'm the baddest DJ on the fast-food scene

# And my food's so cheap you'll lick your plate clean

# When I slow down, the ladies all beg

# Roscoe. let me taste your chicken leg

# Come on, Flygirls and wiggle them there bottoms

# Waffles just pancakes with little squares on 'em

SCRATCHING

# Now when you salivate and hear Pavlov's bell

# Don't go to no place where they serve you ill

# Roscoe's, that's the place to be

# Just like you see it on the TV

# Come on, all you homeboys and bring your freaks down

# And toss them chicken and waffles around

# It may be ugly or smell real funny

# Roscoe don't care cos it save you cash money

# I ain't lying

# Come to Roscoe's for delicious food

# We've got fuel for your attitude

# And we make the baddest waffles and cluck

# And you get good value for your buck

# Come to Roscoe's for delicious food

# We've got fuel for your attitude

# We make the baddest waffles and cluck

-# And get you good val...

-That's it.

Yeah!

That's really great, man.

I wouldn't lie. I told you you were a genius.

It's just a commercial. When am I going to do rock videos?

-Patience, man, it's all part of my master plan.

-Master plan!

You do what you have to, so you can do what you want to.

We do shitty little jobs like this So we can make money.

-Money to do what? Money to do your art.

-You mean like normal people?

They gotta do what they don't wanna do all the time.

Normal people don't get paid in chicken and waffles.

Hey, eat up, man, this stuff is good.

See now, we got like, a reel of our work.

That'll get us those big, big, big, big, big money gigs.

You won't be resting, you will be out on the streets

bringing in the bread and butter jobs with these.

You like pets?

Now fluffy,

concentrate with me if you will.

Come from your heavenly pound, out of purgatory,

we will help you make the transition now.

Fluffy, come home now.

Come on, Fluffy, come, little Fluffy.

Here's a bone.

Come... I feel Fluffy come!

SQUEAKS AND WHIMPERS

My dear,

our Fluffy is in trouble.

Hi, I'm Ivan Alexeev of Video Aces, we make rock videos.

If you could find time to look us and call me. Your name was...?

-Skip.

-Ivan. Give us a call.

Weird Al! I knew it. Mr Yankovic, My name is Ivan Alexeev,

I work for Video Aces and we make rock videos.

Let me give you my card.

Remind me to get some hollow points.

WOMAN: Your 3.30 has been cancelled.

It was a very fine meeting, it was good to meet you.

My briefcase!

Video Aces make rock videos and I'm leaving the country,

so if he wants to look at it, call me today. Ivan.

Let me give you my card, here it is.

Have him call. Thank you so much.

BEATBOXES

Fuzzball Records.

Fuck it!

WOMAN: The guy was all hands.

I mean, get this, you know,

he comes in, he opens the door, first thing he does? He gropes.

I'd like to speak with the Director of Artist Development And Promotion, Video Department, please.

So would I.

No, I'm kidding.

Mo Fuzz, President. What can I do for you?

Sir, my name is Ivan Alexeev.

-Take it down!

-So you want to make videos for Mo Fuzz?

-Yes.

-I want you to.

What kind of equipment do you got?

Top of the line, we've got our own studio.

BUZZING

Hold my calls.

I brought in a reel of our work.

It's a little rough, but I believe it captures the energy of our company.

-It shows...

-I don't need to see it to know I'm already crazy about it.

I've got a sense about you.

An instinct.

And I've got just the band.

Cube Squared.

This group is hotter than hot.

They've sold more records in Sweden then Abba.

Great! I want to thank you, Sir, for this opportunity.

What I'll do, is I'll hook up with my partner,

we'll drop a story board, come up with some concepts

and get back to you in a couple of days.

The Cube will be touring the Congo in a couple of days. I need it today.

OK. OK. Great, we'll do it.

What's the budget like?

Budget?

I'm going to let you do this one on spec.

What is spec?

It means you do this one for free.

It's the way everybody starts out.

Oh, spec.

Yeah, right, right. Spec, I know about spec.

Let's get into trouble, baby.

My brother.

Lets do it. Cube Squared, Baby Doll.

SINGS IN SCANDI

# My baby doll

# My baby doll

# Doll, baby doll

# My baby doll

# Baby, baby, baby doll

# My baby doll

# My baby doll

SINGS VERSE IN SCANDI

# My baby doll

# My baby doll

# Doll baby

# My baby doll

# Baby, baby, baby doll

# My baby doll

# My baby doll

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

# Baby doll

# Baby doll

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll

SINGS IN SCANDI

# Baby doll...

WHIMPERS FROM BAND

Am I crying?

No.

Well, it wouldn't surprise me if I was. I was moved.

I can't do anything with this.

-Why not?

-I need production value.

What kind of production value did you have in mind for no money?

-There's only one thing that adds real production value.

-What's that?

Tits and ass.

Damn.

-Tits and ass.

-I'm going to do something I don't normally do, because I like you guys.

You can do another one, and this time I'll give you three days to shoot...

on spec.

-Spec, look...

-Don't thank me.

I know, I'm too nice.

Lets get into trouble, baby.

Spec is spec. It's where everybody starts out.

Yeah, but we don't have any money.

-We don't even have gas in the car.

-Somebody called about the flyer!

-Yeah?

-Yeah, you got a gig at the Hollywood Presbyterian.

-Is it on spec?

-No, it's on Wiltshire and Vermont.

And the rest of my estate

to be divided

equally among my great-great grandchildren.

-Cut.

-That was great, man. Lets get out of here, Josh.

-No, rewind the tape.

-Again?

Merlin, work with us.

Is this how you want to be remembered?

This is supposed to be a living will.

-Lets try to give that dialogue some life.

-Look, I'm not an actor.

I'm in the garment business.

This was my wife Miriam's idea.

I know, I know, but I think Miriam was right. I think she had an instinct.

Merlin, work with us, Goddamn it!

Hey, hey, hey! Can't talk to actors that way!

Now, I know you got it in you.

We're talking about your money.

-You and everybody else.

-So, I want you to feel the moment.

I want you to show us the generosity of spirit that is Merlin Hinkle.

The passion, the pathos.

Trust yourself, trust me, you can do it. Passion!

Here we go.

Here we go. Passion!

And...

from the top.

Merlin Hinkle, living will, take 14.

Get it right this time, Hinkle!

And...action.

Action! The passion.

I, Merlin Hinkle, being of sound mind and body,

do hereby bequeath to my loving wife Miriam, the sum of 5,000...

HE GASPS

Dollars, 5,000 dollars and all my worldly possessions.

-Is he improvising?

-No, Josh, he's dead.

Oh, shit. No, no, don't die on me!

-You can do it!

-Josh, Josh!

-You can do it!

-The man is dead!

You're not going to get a different line reading!

-This is horrible.

-Yeah, we're not going to get paid.

Are you guys running? OK.

And the rest of my estate shall be divided equally

among my great-great grandchildren.

OK?

Oh, and be sure to pay Video Aces,

my favourite video company.

They're terrific guys.

You get a lot for your dollar.

Getting late, I'm going to go to sleep now.

Great. That's a wrap. Nice working with you, Merlin.

-Nice crib!

-How did we get this job, Ivan?

Shrewed market penetration.

-What?

-Belinda. Flyers, advertisment.

-Oh. Sinking pretty low, Ivan.

-That's where you got to go to catch the big fish.

I don't like this Norman Mart guy.

-It's a great opportunity, man.

-What?

-Where are the outlets here, man?

-And elevator.

Yeah, I got to go upstairs, I'm going to get my elevator.

Let the prince dance with me.

Please, Fairy Godmother, let the prince pick me.

He'll pick you, he'll pick you.

You must be the video gentlemen. I'm Kay Mart.

Enchante.

I need more money, Norman.

-My condo needs new drapes.

-Hey, Nikki...

I'm tired of you snorting drapes up your damn nose.

But you're not tired of going to the ball, are you, Norman?

Hey, everybody, it's limbo time!

CALYPSO MUSIC

Oh, my God.

You fool, you've knocked out my contact lense.

Freeze. It's probably stuck to your body.

I'll find it.

Ivan.

Samantha Gregory.

Samantha Gregory. Yeah, you write for Rock Gossip.

That's just a side gig.

Find anything?

No, not yet, better take another pass.

What's that on your hand?

Oh, good eye, good eye. There it is.

Your image problems are just beginning, Norman.

Nikki, your indescretion is really starting to bother me.

I'm not joking, I got the goods on you.

Sometimes it's difficult to believe a slut.

C B Turkin.

Everybody thought his company had closed down, but the Pres put him back in business.

-What does he make?

-Nerve gas.

If Mr Mark wanted publicity pictures taken

he would have invited Richard Avedon.

Hey, wait a minute! You can't do this! Help!

Video Aces, we're in the book!

Where is Belinda?

I don't know.

But she asked me to ask you for that ten bucks you owe her.

Twenty.

They may not believe me, Norman, but they'll believe a video tape.

-What?

-Remember your Snow White period?

I've got some awfully nasty footage of you and those elves.

As of this moment, my dear Nikki,

you cease to exist.

Get her.

Oh, I'm sorry, can I help you?

-Here.

-Don't worry about it.

There you go. I gotta go or my boyfriend's going to kill me.

Bye!

You idiots.

You're all going back to training guerillas in Honduras if I don't find that fucking tape.

Sir, we searched her. She didn't have the tape.

We scoured the grounds. The tape just isn't here.

I theorise that in all probability, Norman,

she slipped the tape to an accomplice who will shortly

be contacting you with a tatty blackmail note,

hoping to exctract some exorbitant payment in exchange for...

Not frying your ass.

MUSIC PLAYS

Now that's production value.

I've got goose bumps all over my body.

Now we start making the big money right, Mo?

Right, babe. As soon as you complete your trilogy.

-Trilogy? What are you talking about?

-I'm talking about a package.

I'm talking about the way things work in nature.

All good things come in threes.

It's celebrity deaths that come in threes.

I need one more video.

-On spec?

-Right.

Forget it! We're out of here.

Stay, stay.

Am I crying?

Funeral - take one.

Josh, Josh are you rolling?

God, if you guys had money, I know you'd be doing something meaningful.

Well, thanks. You're all right too, Belinda.

I mean, I feel comfortable with you. It's like you're one of the guys.

-But I'm not a guy.

-I know that.

So why are you so shy?

All right, Belinda.

You want to know? All right, I'll tell you.

-My first girlfriend really fucked me over, OK?

-Sorry.

Yeah, so was I.

-When did you break up with her?

-Kindergarten.

What's so funny?

Swanky Modes!

FUNKY MUSIC

Josh, me and you got the moves!

-What are we doing?

-Dancing, man!

-Video Aces.

-What we always do.

Come on, man. You're missing a step. Get the step, man.

What about the master plan, huh?

Do what you gotta do so you do what you wanna do?

When are we gonna do what we wanna do?

I don't know.

Great(!) So we do bullshit jobs

so we can keep our equipment so we can do jobs on spec,

so that maybe one day, we can do a music video.

I mean, what's the point?

The point is trying, man.

Come on.

All right. How long do we stave off the inevitable?

Till they wrench the plug from our bloody hands.

It's gonna be tomorrow.

ROOSTER CROWS

HE SCREAMS

Problem?

The guy's a wanker.

I brought you the seven best directors in the business.

Gimme somebody who's gonna just push buttons, will you?

Dick, don't be a cunt.

I think I have just the two for you.

-Two what?

-Directors.

Miss Gregors, you look great.

Glad you could make it.

Video Aces reporting for duty.

You've tried the best, now try the rest.

Wow, so cool!

Sorry, Girlie. No groupies.

Oh, I work with Video Aces.

That's not all you do.

-What's that?

-Product placement, man.

Backbone of music videos.

No way, no way. Take it off the stage.

You guys all got your visors?

-Fuck off, Prick.

-Haven't got all bloody day!

-Ivan, what's going on?

-Is there an operating manual with that?

Standard crane, right?

-Yeah.

-Ivan, hello?

-Roll film.

-Roll film?

-I'm pointing towards a wall.

-OK, let's make some money.

Playback.

MUSIC PLAYS

# My name is Mr MX-7!

# Go ahead and drop the bomb!

# You don't want anyone!

# You don't want anyone to live!

# Go ahead and kill yourself!

# You live in a living hell, radiating all your...

WOMAN SCREAMS

# ..Don't you know, it's gonna blow

# Hide your heads, kill you dead See it blaze up till you blow

# I wanna be disengaged

# I wanna be disengaged

# I wanna be dissipated, yeah

FRENETIC GUITAR SOLO

Good, Ivan!

Enough, Ivan! Now, Ivan!

How, Ivan?!

Stop, Ivan!

Now, Ivan!

SCREAMING, PLAYBACK STOPS

-He's an arsehole. Let's try again.

-This is sabotage, man!

This is just dandy, I put my butt on the line for you guys and you blew it.

-We'll fix it...

-Forget it, you suck!

Just a sec...

-Are you guys famous?

-How do I look?

-Sign my butt.

-Teach me to read.

Ivan!

MUSIC PLAYS

# Well, the overlords thought it would be a good deed

# To mix the black with the white

# But if you're a fly in the buttermilk

# They'll chase y'all through the night...

Cowboys?

This ain't never happened in my day.

# ..daughter will be my wife!

# Round and around and around they go The bus is going mighty slow

# Brothers in the back seat Cops in the front

# People getting...

You know, I think we killed 'em.

-And I think we're gonna get the gig.

-Oh, come on, Lester.

And who would want this gig anyway,

when the whole place is full of nothing but losers and white trash?

How did we go wrong?

What did I do? We had everything set,

triangle of success, man, skills, attitude, knowledge.

I got attitude, he's got skills and knowledge.

Everything was cool, man, I had product placement.

Ain't this a shame.

Girl gave me a defective crane, now what have I got?

Check it out, man, Billy and Lester, the Swanky Modes.

Did you hear me? Billy and Lester...

Those guys are legends.

For the contribution they've given to mankind, they should be living like kings, nay gods!

It's not the way it works, bro.

Yeah, right.

Assholes like The Blender Children get to be big stars?

Where's the justice?

-There's no justice.

-None, man.

-It's fucked up.

Let's buy 'em a beer.

Two more.

Sorry, guys.

Brothers Against Drunk Driving, they've been bustin' my ass.

-Care to perform a sobriety test?

-All right, all right.

Close your eyes,

real tight, no peeking.

Now recite the alphabet backwards,

skipping all the vowels, and give me the sign language for each letter as you pass by.

Z-Y-X-W-V-T-S-R

Q-P-N-M-L-K-J-H-G-F-D-C-B.

You passed!

I'll get those beers for you.

-What's wrong?

-They're gone.

-Let's get out of here.

Fuck this.

Here's a KPLP real news update.

Tragedy hit the Greek Theatre tonight when a fragment of Spy Lab 14 struck the stage,

killing the surprised members of up and coming rock band, The Blender Children.

We go live now to the scene.

A terrible, terrible tragedy at the Greek tonight,

where the only things casted are chaos and bedlam.

We have with us a person who saw what happened and, Sir, what did happen?

Dick Slaver was hammering on his axe, doing this blazing solo,

when all of a sudden this thing that looked like a fireball from hell just slammed into him.

It was the most excellent effect I've ever seen.

I'm here front row next show, definitely!

-Sir, there won't be a next time, they're all dead.

-Awesome.

The Blender Children were in town recording a rock video for their next single.

No doubt fans will be clamouring to view that last video.

Awesome.

Oh, please, Fairy Godmother. I need to carriage to take me to the ball.

-All right, all right.

-Oh!

Hop on.

What are you doing here?

I'm about to do Video Aces a big favour.

Why don't you just leave them alone?

-They'll be worse off than they are now.

-That would be impossible.

Belinda, are you balling Josh?

It's none of your business.

Too bad.

Right now, I need the Blender Children video.

Tough.

Yeah?

Two Ninja bitches about to kill each other.

The Blender Children are mulch, they just bought the farm.

And RVTV wants to premier the video now, live and exclusive - do you get it?

Well, Samantha, even our shit is not without some endearing qualities.

-Perfect for RVTV.

-Belinda, let's make a copy.

-Fuck you.

-I'll do it myself, what's the big deal around here?

I think I'll tape over this red one.

-Don't do that!

-Yes, it's very unprofessional.

Tape over the Mangotti funeral, they didn't pay us.

I'm going to meet you guys at the RVTV studios in about half an hour.

OK, Video Aces world televised premiere live exclusive,

-thousands and thousands...

-Do you know what you're doing?

-Yeah.

I hold in my hand the last and first video made by The Blender Children,

just before their "explosive" finale at the Greek Theatre.

I can't believe they're screening this nationwide.

-We're never going to work again.

-We're not working now.

Shh, it's starting.

Mangotti funeral take one, Josh.

MUSIC PLAYS

I don't wanna go up this year.

You go and learn till it's over and done with.

There's no reason for this type of fear,

but you keep building me, one by one.

All I want is to be apart this year. No more threat to anyone.

# Thy will be done

HEAVY ROCK

# Go ahead and drop the bomb!

# You don't want anyone...

-Brilliant. Just brilliant.

-An astonishing example

of post-modernism, a prospicious portent...

-The emotion.

-Raw, so raw.

Interesting thing about that video, they chose to work with the video production team, Video Aces.

We've heard that name before...

How's it going?

OK.

-Did you watch RVTV tonight?

-No.

You missed it? We were hot!

I mean,

we have clients lined up for, like, Video Aces,

and we're going to do non-stop videos for the rest of our lives!

Look at all these business cards.

Congratulations.

Don't you know what this means?

That you guys will become exactly like Samantha.

To us, Ivan, and to our success.

To you, Samantha,

for helping make Video Aces what it is,

for making me feel for the first time in my life like I'm on fire.

Take my water.

-You were saying?

-You look ravishing,

and I'd like to chew on your thighs.

I thought we had a professional relationship.

So I'll pay.

Seriously, Ivan.

I think we should start planning our future fame and fortune.

I'd throw all of that away for one chance to flambe your flesh with my tongue.

Only absolute success can bring total fulfilment.

Want your cherry?

Power IS happiness.

And the media is the key to power.

What makes you happy makes you happy.

Fuck!

Bill Hearst, Otis Chandler,

Brooke Murdock, Ted Turner, Connie Chung -

these people seduced the masses, and in turn became legends in their own time.

That's what I want, Ivan.

And that's what I'm going to get, any way I can.

Want to dance?

I'll lead.

Samantha!

It's awfully hot out here.

How do you feel about representation?

Looks good.

You know, Ivan...

..in business it's the personal relationships...

..that make it all worthwhile.

UNZIPPING

Whatever.

They're off to Utah, to the Osmonds Christmas Show.

They're spending the month of January with peer.

But I like you a lot, so I'm going to talk to my clients.

You talk to them?

I'll talk to them.

What we're talking about is a live televised concert to 30 million people.

Everybody loves Menudo.

-Menudo?

-And you know that.

Yeah, we love Menudo.

The last album.

This is a small town.

No, it's not.

Don't worry about it, they'll be there.

In a surprising upset tonight, two virtual unknowns have snatched top honours

at the US Video Awards ceremony for The Blender Children's Mr MX-7.

We've got an exclusive interview now with these two sizzling hot guys.

We are live backstage at the US Video Awards...

-SHOUTS OUT PHONE NUMBER

-You'll get plenty of time to sell that!

Norman, aren't those the boys I hired to videotape the ball?

They never sent me the tape!

I got a lead.

I think I know who has my tape.

Terminal Bar.

Roger, that's a 10-4.

I love you guys.

# It would take a miracle

# To ease my troubled mind

# I know you tried help me

# Trying hard to be so kind

# Baby You are too good to be

# Just an audience for my pain

# I'm living in a prison

# Though you can't see the bars

# I've been wounded so many times

# Though you cannot see the scars

# I'm afraid you have to leave me now

# And the reason is plain

# Baby, you are too good to be

# Just an audience for my pain

# Audience for my pain

# I don't want you to look at me now

# Ohhhh, no

# No, no, no

# No, no, no, oh-ooh-oh

# No, no, no. #

That is music! Swanky Modes! All right!

All right, that is music!

The fabulous Brothers Diamond.

# You hooked me, baby!

# You threw a net around my heart

Show's over, boys.

Drinking time's begun.

# I said you hooked me, baby

We haven't sung that tune in 15 years.

And I can't even remember back that far.

Number three on the charts.

Yeah, you performed on the Ed Sullivan show October 12th, 1970,

-8.22 Eastern Standard time, right after those dancing elephants.

-Yeah!

You boys buying?

Yeah, sure, we love the Swanky Modes.

Set 'em up, Jack.

Except now, we're the Brothers Diamond.

Jack, two Courvoisiers.

The hottest acts in show business today are offshoots of you guys.

-Yeah, they ripped you off.

-And we're sittin' here all skinny.

-Maybe we can help you guys.

-Yeah!

We'll do a video, man!

A music video would broaden your demographics while retaining your integrity.

Yeah, we can get you on RVTV.

TV? Who'll want to see us?

Look at him, he's ugly.

There are a lot of people out there who are ugly who are making serious money.

Now, that's not a problem, see, we can package you...

-Package? No.

-So the public will find you palpable.

No, no!

I got it! We're going to give these guys the real thing.

As a matter of fact, we're going to start tomorrow night with a live simulcast of 20 - no, 30 countries!

-We are?

-Yeah!

-Why are you guys doing this?

Why? Because we have to!

If it wasn't for your influence, we'd know nothing about soul,

we'd be family men working for multi-nationals!

Earning six figures, driving LeBarons.

Hey, you can't pin that on us, we have lawyers.

It's too late, we out of the gate, but that's our fate!

This funky train!

Yeah! Hey, pay the man, Ivan!

I got some change here somewhere. We'll be in touch, man.

Now, what is that all about?

Nothing.

Whoa! Yeah!

I am totally psyched, man!

As of this moment, we are cancelling all our jive job videos.

-We are?

-Except Menudo.

Menudo?

The master plan has come to fruition!

Ah, yeah!

That's how to drive safely!

Anybody there?

Yeah, caucasian female, somewhere between the ages of 15 and 35.

Right, let's move.

There's some tapes.

-What's the definition of "fear"?

-What's the definition of "if"?

-Why Menudo?

Beat it, you hoodlums.

-Linda, what's happening?

-I don't know.

Bet you thought you'd seen the last of me.

Damn, I'm out.

Out of bullets, huh?

My video protector.

Say your prayers, slimeball.

Thanks, Skip. Who the hell are you guys?

-Gentlemen, we are the...

-Hitmen.

We need a video tape right away.

It's two in the morning, we're tired, and we're not doing any more jive job videos.

The only way we'd do a video with a limey garage man like you

-is if we got paid the big bucks.

-90 thou in non-sequential 50s acceptable?

Let's not haggle - 100 thou.

What are you doing, we have to set up for the Modes concert tomorrow night.

Josh, this is the capital we need to keep our equipment.

Cash flow equals personal freedom, the freedom to do the videos you want to do -

like the Swanky Modes. You can't pass this up.

Think about it.

All right,

we'll do it during our coffee break tomorrow. You bring the doughnuts.

-Now get out of here!

-Gentlemen, let me show you to your car.

You picked a fine company. I've seen your records, and I really respect your work quite a bit.

-I'm flattered.

-We're currently worked with Bonnie Ray.

-Not THE Bonnie Ray.

-Yeah, Bonnie Ray and Nigel Harrison.

-What kind of car are you driving?

-Well, you can see it...

Gosh, that was incredible.

You seem so changed.

You're so committed,

so reckless,

so passionate.

It's the Modes.

My blood is boiling,

and they stir up the thoughts and sensations that are pent up inside me.

I feel like I'm ready to explode.

Come here, you little filly.

Shall I get my diaphragm?

Damn straight, woman. We're going for a ride on the love train.

Are you sure this is going to be good for our relationship?

I don't know.

(HUSKY) Let's find out.

Hey, look who I ran into downstairs.

Hey, everybody, it's limbo time!

CALYPSO MUSIC

Honey, look.

See, that was just a front, this is beautiful.

That's Josh. Do you love it?

Aren't you proud?

There's Ivan.

-Let's surprise him.

-Yeah.

CALYPSO MUSIC

Hi.

Hi, Mom. Hi, Dad. This is Belinda.

-She's a girl.

-Hi.

Don't say a word, not one word!

All right, over here.

Move it!

All right, gentlemen, listen up.

Now, we'll distract them while you find that red tape.

And remember, there's a bonus for the man who puts it in my hand.

WOMAN: RVTV.

Hold on a second,

-where's the doughnuts?

-Standard Government issue.

Right this way, we'll be working in Studio D.

Watching? One, two...

OK, come on, let's go.

Come on, let's roll.

Ivan!

-Let's go.

-Touch, step, touch, step.

OK, ten minutes, ten minutes.

Come on! Get to work!

# No need to discuss it

# Cos the message is clear

# When I look into your loving eyes

# I know you want me near...

Shit!

# Hush, baby, don't make a sound

# We're only wasting precious time

# I know in my heart and soul...

A red tape.

-Give me that.

-Hey, fuck, give me that!

I'm gonna shoot you!

# Don't need no one, two, three

# There's no need to speak When your knees get weak

# It's the language of love

Give it back! Gimme!

# Don't need to hear you say

# Won't let you feel this way

-# Cos every time we kiss

-# Our lips will never miss

# That's the language of love

Gimme that!

That's a wrap.

Patrick - that's a fine Irish name.

What's on your mind, Patrick?

As your party's leading presidential contender, you are a staunch advocate of nuclear proliferation?

-That's right.

-Does wanting more and bigger missiles stem from a penis envy of the Russians?

No, that's not the case, son.

Let's... Matter of fact, that's primitive thinking.

But I will add,

I'll throw my slab up on the yard stick against Gorby any day of the Goddamn week.

APPLAUSE

Thank you very much.

Mr Mart, I hear that you're an avid video enthusiast?

Video?

Well, yeah, I mean, I dabble...

I've seen your work.

It's very provocative.

And if I refuse?

America would love to tune in to see its presidential candidate being spanked by a girl in a wetsuit.

All right.

Ten days.

You'll be publishing in ten days. Now, where's my tape?

Some place safe.

-Sir, here's the tape from the Video Aces.

-Entertain us, Mr G.

I'm sure Miss Gregory here would like to see my provocative work one last time.

You have 24 hours, Mart.

RVTV just confirmed the satellite hook up.

-Menudo's going to be pissed.

-They're young, they'll get over it.

Hey, now these are the Swanky Modes I remember.

-You guys look great!

-Yeah.

All right. Modes are coming back in a big way.

Kind of like old times, eh, Billy?

-Not really.

-Why don't you guys go into the video lounge and just kind of relax?

There's some wine coolers if you want a drink.

We've just got to do a couple more administrative type things.

-Let's warm up, Billy.

-OK.

One, two, one, two, three.

# Bet your bottom dollar on me

# I'm as good as good can be

TYRES SCREECH

Holy shit!

Some men are after me.

-Count me in.

-I'm serious, these guys are trying to kill me.

..somebody on that roof!

You, on top of that car, back him up.

Hey, hey, it's the Hitmen!

That's them.

-No, they're completely harmless, we just did their last video.

-Fire.

No refunds!

God!

-Josh, give them the money back.

-I'm not going down there!

-You should.

-Samantha.

-No!

-Fuck!

If it'll help you guys out, we'll take it to them.

Get here, Billy.

We can do that much for you.

We love the Swanky Modes.

Come on, Lester. Lester! Come on!

Hold your fire.

Come on, Lester.

-No problem, officer.

-Give me that case.

No problem, no problem.

They're opening the case.

-Looking inside the case.

-It's not here.

They're giving the case back to the Swanky Modes.

-The Modes are walking away.

-No, they're not, they're running away.

Now they're pointing a machine gun at us.

They're shooting at us again!

-No shit!

-They don't want your money, they're Mart's men!

ALL: What?

What are you doing?!

Hold it! Hold it!

They're talking to her.

-What are you idiots doing here?! You almost killed me.

-Are you OK?

You bozo! I live here! Get out of here.

-Get off that car!

-They're putting away their guns.

Get in the car, get out of here!

Get off that roof!

Come on, let's go, snap it up!

Go on, get out of here!

They're getting in their car.

Driving away. We're safe! We're safe!

We're safe!

-We're safe!

-Samantha, why did they want to kill us?

How did you get them not to kill us?

-Where the fuck did the Modes go with our money?!

-I don't know.

They'll be at the concert.

Welcome to RVTV's exclusive coverage of the Menudo concert,

beaming out to over 30 million households across the world,

so stay tuned to RVTV.

Bambinos!

Hey! Que pasa? Me amo, Ivan. Est el directore, senor Josh Tagermeister.

Hi, guys, it's going to be great working with you.

Listen, I've got to see your green cards.

Left them at the hotel? How could this have happened?

This puts us in an embarrassing situation.

The new immigration law and all.

-We could be fined up to 1,000 per Menudo.

-Why don't you jam back to the bungalow at the Bel Air Hotel,

pick them up, come right back.

I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do about it. Let's go, pull it out.

SHOUTS IN SPANISH

I hate to wait.

What time is it?

What time is it?

Where are they?

They're going to be here.

-The Modes are going to open for them.

-The Modes?

Who the hell are the Modes?!

-The Swanky Modes! They've been legends for 20 years, where have you been?

-I'm only 17.

TOUT: Anybody want these tickets? 25 bucks apiece is all I'm asking.

What if they don't show up? I mean, what if we wanted this more for them

than they wanted it for themselves?

That's an intriguing premise, Josh.

It means we've got a big problem.

It means you really fucked up.

Me! I fucked up, me?!

You're the one who always imitated the Modes!

You wanted us to be like Billy and Lester!

Listen, I delivered on the business end, now you can't deliver

on the creative end, so I'm going to take all the blame? Screw you!

-Screw you!

-Screw you!.

-Screw you!

-Screw you!

If the Modes don't show up, we're both screwed, do you understand that?

Hey, move it or lose it.

-What did you say?

-I said, "Move it."

That's what I thought you said.

I'll park it.

Move it.

Are you sure this is the place?

-Yeah, this looks like it.

-Sure?

This seems to be the backstage area. I think people are going back there.

That's him, that's the guy!

Hey.

Whoa! Shit!

Hey! Hey! Stop that!

-Hey, come on!

-We were gonna pay to park here!

NBC News?

Listen, I've got a video tape showing a presidential candidate

engaged in deviant sexual activities.

What do you mean, I need a release? This is news.

TOUT: 15.99, come on, who wants them? You want this?

Just take the shirt!

Here.

Gun.

CROWD CHEERS

# Don't need no A, B, Cs Don't need no one, two, threes

# Well, no need...

Tension's really building up here back stage at the big concert,

lots of surprises... Whoa. there!

Look who's snagged Samantha Gregory from Rock Gossip fanzine?!

-She's the face that discovered the Aces!

-Where are Josh and Ivan hiding?

Upstairs in the out-of-control booth!

What's the new whammy, Sammy?

Mart, Norman, congressmen, shape! Ahh!

-It's another RVTV exclusive!

-Step on it.

Satellite uplink starts in one minute.

-Which shot do you want to start with, Ivan?

-I don't know.

Anyone will do, that one, that one.

There she is.

Awesome!

Mart's goons are after me again.

Why did you come in here?

Give me the tape, Samantha.

Ahhh!

Wah!

Blackmail is not for the novice, Miss Gregory.

You've got your tape, Mart, so why don't you crawl back into your hole?

She didn't mean that, sir, she's been under a lot of stress.

Lady, this'd better be the right fucking tape.

What is the big deal? That charity ball was a dud.

-You idiots. This isn't a charity ball! This could ruin me!

-It could?

You bet your sweet ass it could.

I could be reduced to an insigificant pissant,

just like you.

-Well, then, let's check and make sure it's the right tape.

-What?

-I'll thread it up for you.

-Maybe he'd like to watch it at home?

No, I...I think Mr...

-Josh.

-Mr Josh is right.

Let's take a look.

This is nothing fancy, you understand that? It's just a little home camera,

and it's all right, you know?

Yeah, we understand.

No, no, oh no!

Ah-ah-ahhh!

No, no, no, ahhh!

Ahhhh!

Call my lawyer!