The Last Shot

This film contains very strong language.

GUNSHOTS

DISTANT SIREN WAILS

Where's the money?

I tell you, I need just a few more days.

Please, I can get it.

What are you gonna do to me?

Movie starts in three minutes.

If you don't tell us where the money is, we're gonna cut your fingers off during the opening credits.

Titles. Credits come at the end of the movies. Titles come first.

Fine. Titles.

GROANING

We're gonna cut 'em off during the fuckin' titles.

'The shows starts in two minutes.'

I tell ya, I just need a couple more days. Please, don't do it.

No! I'm telling you, don't do it!

You gotta listen to me.

Whatever you do, don't do it.

Do you hear me?

-Don't do it.

-'The show starts in one minute.'

-We've got to get him out.

-Devine hasn't given a signal. We move when he does.

-Maybe he forgot.

-He's tied to a chair.

-Yeah, that's Sal Rossi Jnr down there, Ray.

-Jesus Christ!

-Screw the signal. I say we get him out.

No, wait, wait, Devine hasn't given a signal...because he wants Rossi to take a finger.

-What are you talking about?

-What if you're wrong, Ray, huh?

What if he forgot the fucking signal?

-If Sal takes that finger, we get him for assault, attempted murder - 20 years.

-This is crazy.

-He doesn't want us to wait while some psycho takes his finger.

-This is Devine's detail.

And he wants us to wait.

The dancing hot dog, Jesus Christ!

All right, you get some ice.

And you get the finger.

ARGH!

Hello, I'm home!

Sasha, where are you? I have presents.

Sasha?

Mr Devine, I tried calling you, they said it was impossible to reach you, I even tried that special number.

Dolores, I have these presents for Sasha. Where is she?

I'm sorry, sir, your dog is dead.

She killed herself.

-What?

-The Jacuzzi, she threw herself into the Jacuzzi. I tried to find you, it was horrible.

Oh, no, maybe she FELL in.

No, there was a witness - Alejandro, the gardener's son.

It was suicide.

Suicide?

She was lonely, she couldn't stand it any more.

Well, then, why the fuck didn't you go outside and play with her?

Throw the little red ball with her?

I'm sorry, Mr Devine, I know that you loved that dog.

On Tuesday, she dug up all the flowers and then took a dump in the kitchen.

I believe that was her note.

Joe, from the beautiful words you've written, it's clear to me that Sasha wasn't just a great dog.

She was a great friend.

Sasha was loyal, she was compassionate, and she loved to shake.

And now I'm gonna ask you to bow your head for one minute of silence.

Sorry to hear about Sasha.

I didn't know you were close to that bitch.

What brings you to town? Did you hear about my finger?

Oh, yeah, very proud of the work you're doing here in Houston.

Then why don't you get me the hell outta here? Jack,

you've been deputy director of the Bureau for six years, and I've been stuck here for five.

Do you know what people would say if I just handed you the detail in New York?

-They took my fuckin' index finger, they cut my fuckin' finger off!

-And we appreciate that.

I'm your brother, Jack, you tell them I can do this thing, I'm gonna nail these motherfuckers.

Take it easy, listen, I am on your side.

I'm on your side, we all know you're gonna be a star, Joseph.

Jack, I'm never gonna be a star in Houston.

I know. That's why I'm sending you to Providence.

Providence?

There's mobsters in Rhode Island?

CAR STARTS

What are we doing in Rhode Island?

We're better off in Houston. It's Tommy Sanz in there, Gotti's cousin.

-Second cousin.

-He's still family.

Sal Rossi Jnr wasn't even Italian.

Hey, we nail this Tommy Sanz guy, that could be our ticket to Philadelphia, New York.

Maybe even Washington.

'FBI agents believe John Gotti planned Paul Castellano's murder outside Sparks

'Steakhouse in December 1985, and prosecutors are expected to try to make another case against him...'

So, Tommy, you get invited to John's party?

I really don't think John considers me part of the family any more.

It's my face, Willie.

The guys back home can't stand the look of me.

I thought after the second surgery, things would change.

Did you talk to that plastic surgeon?

He said he wanted to take skin from my ass cheeks and put it on my face.

I beat that cock-sucker with his own chair.

I need to do something big.

Or I'll never get back to New York.

There's another movie shoot in town. A horror movie. One of the producers calls Wally over at the local.

Seems they need a favour from the Teamsters.

I said big, Willie, big, like this TV.

That's 52 inches.

They need 10 trucks, max, 25 drivers, no hassles.

Last time our cut was three grand...

They're talking about a bribe.

They're taking a bribe from those movie people to make a deal with the union.

-So?

-So, the mob controls the union, the Teamsters,

which means they control the trucks, the trucks the movie people use.

What the hell are you talking about?

I know how we're gonna get Tommy Sanz.

Agent Devine, it says here you wanna produce a movie?

No, sir. Actually, there really isn't going to be a movie.

I only want Tommy Sanz to THINK I'm producing a movie.

We really don't give a shit, just tell us the play.

Trucks. This is how all movies are made, sir, with trucks.

We're gonna offer Tommy Sanz a bribe to intercede with the Teamsters on our behalf,

and once he accepts, we're gonna nail him for racketeering.

There's an obvious risk here, Agent Devine. What do you know about producing movies?

Ohh!

-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, you're such a star.

DOG BARKS LOUDLY

I don't hear anything, honey.

They're not making any sound, honey.

No, no, no. DOG HOWLS

I can't take it any more.

I can't take it any more, Steven.

The headphones, the headphones!

SEVERAL DOGS BARK AT ONCE

Hey, shut the fuck up!

Do you understand me?

Shut the fuck fucking up! I'm going to come down there and fucking kill you, do you hear me?

I'm sick and tired of living like this my whole life! It smells like shit! Yeah, I'm talking to you!

You piece of mother-fucking shit!

We live in a kennel.

-We live in a kennel.

-Yeah, but you know who boards their dogs down there?

Goldie Hawn, Ted Danson, Meryl Streep, Connie Chung.

-I've met agents down there, studio heads.

-I'm going to kill those dogs. I'm gonna fucking kill those dogs.

If you wanna move, we'll move.

-But then we'll both have to work full-time.

-Could you just stop it?

I'm so sick of you and your threats. How many years have I had to live with you and your threats?

-Maybe I don't wanna be an actress any more.

-You're a great actress.

Let's stop the bullshit, Steven.

I'm not an actress. I play the piano at the Mall.

It's not the mall. It's Nordstrom's, where every casting agent shops.

I'm 34 years old.

How messed up am I that I have to stay here and live like this?

Make a great story, though, won't it, when you're famous, and they have to talk about your life?

Valerie Weston goes from pound to gown, as she steps out of her limo at the Chinese Theatre.

I'm going to work.

I know you're nervous, Robert. It's your first day, but you're gonna be great.

You're working as a floater in concessions, in charge of napkins and butter.

A large is three squirts, medium, two squirts...

-Thanks.

-You're welcome. Next, please...

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

Thank you, enjoy the show.

Mandy Patinkin... Mandy Patinkin...

Mandy Patinkin... Mandy Patinkin!

Stop it, Arnie.

< No, you stop telling me how great I am, and you tell me where my fuckin' script is.

< You do not want to eat lunch off my ass.

You wanna eat lunch off my ass?

I thought you were kosher.

Arnie, I'll make you a deal.

You deliver that script and lunch is on me, you Lebanese piece of shit.

Love to Bernice and the baby. ..Roger!

Roger! Can you get me my back brace and my banjo, please?

I'm a big fan of law enforcement.

I used to date the black guy on Hill Street Blues.

-So you're going undercover as a Hollywood producer...

-Yes.

Are you doing features or TV or MOWs, what?

-Movies.

-Movies. God, I love the movies.

After I was stabbed by my personal trainer in 1981,

I was terrified to leave my house.

And then, one day,

I went to the movies!

Oh, God, and I never came home!

The movies saved my life.

I'm even back with that trainer now, which is really remarkable.

Roger!

Excuse me, I'm sorry. Roger!

Never hire a diabetic.

What exactly does a producer do?

Well, where's your script?

Script?

I don't have a...

You don't have a script?

No.

Roger! ..Sorry.

Camille, can you get fuckin' Roger?

You know what, I'm sorry, I've got a 3.30, and...

-Well, can you help me find a script?

-This is Hollywood.

Just go outside and ask anyone you see to give you a script -

a gardener, a cripple, a child molester.

They've all got 'em.

You've just gotta find one.

Roger...!

Do I need to give you your shot?

My deepest condolences, sir.

Here's your ticket.

The script is called Arizona. It's the true story of a young woman's spiritual journey

through the desert as she battles cancer and searches for the spirit caves of the Hopi Indians.

I actually have a script with me. If you have time, maybe after shivah, you might want to...

-So tell me about your script.

-A romantic comedy, about this couple...

They find the guy... They find the head of the organisation, like, on a golf course...

-Or a river.

-It's the true story of a young woman's spiritual journey

through the desert as she battles cancer while searching for the spirit caves of the Hopi Indians.

I've already got a cancer movie.

-What kind?

-Brain.

Brain? Brain's been done to death.

This is breast.

I have Meg Tilly attached, and Meg Tilly likes brain.

The rest of the time, he's got no head. He's got, like, seven hours to find a new head,

-but fucked up because he has no head.

-It's about fallen angels. There was a group...

They're not evil, but they were meant to watch over humanity.

So that's basically it. It's a road picture,

it's a love story, it's a tear-jerker.

OK, but here's the kicker -

it's an election day...

-Ah...

-And he can't vote... because he's got no head!

DOGS BARK AND HOWL

Hey.

The Jacuzzi.

She threw herself into the Jacuzzi!

Val, put the dog down.

I was trying to nap before my audition,

and I know this is the dog that barked, you little fuck!

You're gonna get this commercial. You love Raisin Bran!

I'm not going on the audition, Steven. I'm finished.

Put the Pomeranian down.

I know it's gonna keep on barking, I know it's gonna keep on barking!

No, it's not. because you're gonna give me the dog

and I'm gonna take it out of here right now.

It's OK.

You can do it.

Who are you - some kind of Good Samaritan?

No.

I'm a Hollywood producer.

SHE SOBS

Oh, sweetheart, it's OK. Oh, it's all right, it's gonna be OK.

Movies and TV, or just movies, or...?

Oh, honey... I'm Steven.

Schats. Stephen Scha... Oh, honey.

Who's Steven Schats?

Oh, he's done quite a bit of directing in the Los Angeles theatre, he won the, er,

Goldstein award for Debbie Does Shabbat at Temple Judaica...

-Billy Crystal is a member of that congregation.

-It is Billy Crystal gonna be in the movie?

-Er, no, because there is no movie.

-Then why do you need a director?

In order to sell the movie to Tommy Sanz.

-But you said there is no movie.

-I'm not really making a movie, sir, I'm just producing one.

We, er,

really don't give a shit, just tell us the play.

The screenplay is entitled, er, Arizona, it's the...

inspiring true story of a dying young woman as she travels through

the desert in search of herself and the, er...

Hopi Indian spirit caves.

What kind of movie is that?

It's a tear-jerker, sir.

-She...dies in the end.

-From dehydration?

Don't come down here, I've locked the door...

Lonnie!

Steven! What are you doing here?

Lonnie, get dressed. I have a meeting in one hour. It's a lunch

with a producer who read my script over the weekend, and he liked it.

Of course he did, it's brilliant.

He asked me if I was bringing representation. I didn't want to look like a schmuck,

so I told him I had an agent.

You want me to go with you?

-Oh, you know, I don't drive any more.

-You don't have to drive.

I'll drive. Just put on some clothes, get dressed.

We've got a lunch, we've got...a lunch. Mmm...

Don't touch the mail if it comes.

-Ever! Don't!

-Lonnie, just go get dressed, go get dressed.

Relax, Steven, it's just a lunch.

-Where's the meeting?

-Musso and Frank's.

You're in luck! I got a blow job at Musso and Frank's.

Oh, no, no, no, you listen to me, you Lebanese piece of shit.

I'm the producer, I'm in charge, this is my picture, you got me?

Ha-ha-ha! OK, my love to Bernice.

-I'm so sorry.

-Er, sorry we're late, Mr Diamond. This is Lonnie Bosco, of Bosco and Sugarman.

Pleasure.

Steven, let me just say that I read the screenplay for Arizona,

and I absolutely loved it. My wife, Sasha, died recently, so the story really hit close to home.

-What kind of cancer did she have?

-She drowned in a Jacuzzi.

The dentists from Boston that I represent, they loved the movie as well.

I know, the script needs a lot of work.

We're prepared to make a deal for you to direct the movie.

-You want to make a deal for me? But I'm...

-We wanna move forward right away.

Do you think you could make the movie for, say, a million dollars?

Steven wants final cut.

-No, no, Lonnie, I don't need final cut.

-Final cut, that's no problem.

-Casting approval?

Yes, he's the director.

He-he wants 10%, er...

first dollar, gross points.

-Yes, OK. 10%.

You're saying yes?

You want me to direct Arizona?

You really...? You want me to do that?

I'm not saying yes,

I'm saying hell, yes.

He's saying yes, hell, yes!

At Musso and Frank's.

There's only one question I have. The cover of the screenplay says

it's written by Stephen Schats and Marshal Paris?

Yes, Marshal Paris, he's my brother.

Paris is his pen name. We wrote the story about our sister. She's the dead lady.

Before we make any deals, I wanna secure all the rights, get some signatures.

Oh, well, that's impossible, Marshal went home...

You'll just have to go home one more time, Steven.

-No, no, no.

-Home...

to the Ponderosa.

The Ponderosa?

Ladies and gentlemen, the Cartwrights!

Adam, Hoss, Little Joe and Ben Cartwright!

HORSE WHINNIES

Run for cover, folks. It seems the Snake Eye gang has robbed the bank!

It's over, Snake Eyes.

Drop the gold. We don't want no more killing here.

It's got nothing to do with your boys, Cartwright.

Let's just settle this, you and me.

The gift shop will be open till 7pm.

'The bathrooms are out of order...'

Marshal?

We're closing.

Where's Dad?

Ben Cartwright gets off at 2.30.

He's the star of the show.

-What are you doing here?

-We did it, Marshal.

We're making Arizona.

Charlotte's story will be told.

That's impossible. I haven't shown anyone that script in two years.

Look at this. See this?

It's a contract. From a producer.

He wants you to sign a release.

-It's not for sale.

-We're gonna split 100,000.

This is real, Steven, this is my life. I am a person with an identity now,

not some Hollywood flunky spending his entire life waiting to have lunch.

I want you to sign this release.

I want you to understand what this means to me, that I've spent my whole life

waiting to yell action and cut for the first time.

I used to believe you, when you said we'd have matching black Corvettes,

that one day, we'd get to walk up the red carpet and get interviewed by Mary Hart.

-I really thought it was true.

-It IS true.

All of it. It's just 10 years late.

I'm sorry, Steven, I'll never sign.

And you can tell Hollywood she already had her chance.

I just need your signature here next to Marshal's.

-Er, why does Steven have to sign a release, Mr Diamond?

-It's standard.

I'm gonna sign a release, the dentists in Virginia will sign a release.

Look at this guy, he really thinks he's making a movie.

-We fucked up, Ray, there's a big plumbing outfit here in LA, Joe Diamond Plumbing.

-Shit.

We'll have to change his name.

I don't know what to say. Is this really happening?

-This is it, Steven.

-Thank you, Mr Diamond.

Steven, you've got yourself a green light.

# Looks like he made it

# Looks like Steven's on the way

# To a better life

# Looks like he made it

# Steven Schats is on the way to a better life

# Looks like he made it. #

APPLAUSE

Steven, come on up.

OK, great. I just wanna thank all of you for being here,

and I wanna tell you that all of you are going to be working on this movie.

And I wanna thank one man for that.

The man who made this all possible, the man who came into my life and gave me the gift of a green light.

He made all my dreams come true, he's the producer of Arizona, Mr Joe Diamond!

Oh, no, no, no, no.

# Come on, get happy! #

Yeah! Yeah! Joe Diamond!

Thank you.

Steven, my name isn't Diamond, it's Wells.

Wells? I thought it was Diamond.

No, Joe Wells, that's my name.

-But you said it was Diamond.

-No, it's Wells.

It's always been Wells.

It's a common mistake.

Look at them all.

I thought you might wanna be here when I picked one out.

How d'you know which one to get?

And...action!

Action!

Action!

Cut it! That's lunch, people, moving on!

Very quiet, please.

Director on set.

Something wrong?

I know what the first shot is going to be.

A wide shot,

looking across the desert floor.

Nothing can be seen for miles.

Then we slowly push in,

an image appears,

in the distance, limping towards us - Charlotte,

an angel walking on water.

Only the water is burning sand

and the angel is dying.

I've had that shot in my head for a long time.

Thank you, Joe.

Listen, Steven, what do you think about doing the picture in New England?

-I don't understand.

-Do you think you could make it work in, say, Rhode Island?

The dentists and I have made a very sweet deal with the Film Commission there,

-who'll roll out the red carpet for us.

-But the movie's called Arizona.

It's always taken place in Arizona. There are scenes inside the Grand Canyon.

I know, but the guts of the story wouldn't have to change.

What about the Hopi Indians?

Yeah, but do you realise how many Indians wound up settling in Rhode Island?

Take it from me, I've been to both places, and the similarities would astound you.

Do that again.

We're calling this Operation Dramex, and at this time, I would like to introduce Fanny Nash,

the producer of the hit comedy No Means No, to discuss proper Hollywood protocol.

I am over 35 years old. I am physically unable to bear children...

and I pay alimony to my ex-husband, who is a faggot.

Yet I am willing to bet

that all of you would fuck me over that desk right now if you knew

you'd be having lunch with Harrison Ford as soon as you blew your wad.

If you wanna carry yourself like you're in the movie business, you need to act like the big dog -

Clifford -

and remember

that everyone in the entire world

is desperate to play with your big red balls.

# I can see clearly now the rain has gone... #

I love you all. I'll see you on the set.

# I can see all obstacles in my way... #

It may have taken 10 years,

but Papillon has jumped from the cliff, and he's swimming to the shore!

Yeah!

Break a leg, Steven!

# It's gonna be a bright...

# bright sunshiny day. #

'We're expecting a smooth flight into Rhode Island.

'Please sit back, relax and enjoy the flight.'

So how old was she?

Who?

Your wife, when she died.

If you don't want to talk about it, I understand.

-Sasha was my age.

-Was she in the business?

Now why would I marry a whore?

A whore?!

No, no! The business.

-The movie business!

-Oh!

Right, the movie business. Yes, she was. Yes.

What did Sasha do?

Hair. She did hair.

Hair! Hair. That's great.

-So you met on the set?

-Yes, on the set.

What movie?

Um...

Jaws.

Jaws?!

Your wife did the hair on Jaws?

-That's one of my favourite movies!

-Mine, too.

Did it bother her that Quint always wore a hat?

Well, they had some words, yeah.

That is so ironic.

She worked on Jaws, then she drowns in a Jacuzzi.

I never really thought of it that way before.

The rest of your family - are they in the movie business?

Well, I have one brother. He's a doctor, a surgeon.

He was the smart one. You know, top of his class.

I was never much of a student.

In the sixth grade I was struck by lightning.

-Lightning?

-Mm.

I was standing in the playground

with a metal lunchbox.

Suddenly I saw this light.

The brightest light you can imagine.

The next thing I knew, I was...

..inside of the light.

I was part of the light.

Fuck!

Feel the top of my head.

Go ahead.

-D'you feel that?

-Yeah.

You know what that is?

That's one in a million.

Steven, this is Troy Haines from the Rhode Island Film Commission.

Welcome to Providence, Mr Schats. The Arizona of the East!

This is the Woonasquatucket River, known as the Moshassuck Dam before the floods of '64,

and seen over the credits of the situation comedy Doctor Doctor.

Joe, I have to be honest. This doesn't resemble the Colorado River at all.

Look at all that cement!

There's way too many cars.

-Is that a snack bar? Tony Roma's?

-What if we were to shoot the skinny-dipping scene at night?

I don't know how Rick would see Charlotte's birthmark.

-What about the ducks?

-Don't worry about the fucking ducks. I'll take care of them.

This is the second largest landfill in New England.

Shot by the director Miles O'Kief in the climactic scene of his film Nora Declares War.

Back then it was a park.

Now it's the Grand Canyon.

Just picture some burros, some tourists and some loud T-shirts.

The trucks are a sound problem.

I think there's too many seagulls.

Well, they mainly feed in the mornings.

No different than the buzzards of Sedona.

Garage 16, the Hopi Indian spirit cave.

How am I supposed to get 30 Indians in there dancing round the fire?

Well, we're gonna have to...

you know, force them in.

Steven?

Steven!

Joe, what are we gonna do? Most of the locations are shit!

No cactus, no desert.

You have to call the dentists.

Maybe you could change the script just a little.

Change the script? Change...? Joe!

Joe, this script is...

You can't just change the... A cactus is a cactus!

I have an obligation to Charlotte.

I don't have a cactus, I don't have any thorns!

I don't have any thorns, no torn dress. No torn dress, no birthmark on the ass.

No birthmark, no skinny-dipping with Rick and Charlotte on the mighty Colorado River!

No skinny-dipping, no water snake!

No water snake, no chlamydia scare!

No chlamydia scare, no doctor...

Well... let me take care of all that.

I'm the producer, OK?

I don't think I can make this work here.

Hey, do me a favour.

Come with me - I want to show you something.

Come on.

# Hey, everybody

# Let's have some fun

# You only live the once

# And when you're dead you're done

# So let the good times roll... #

Mr Schats, welcome to the Providence Biltmore.

This is your key to the Eisenhower suite.

# I don't care if you're young or old

# You oughtta get together and let the good times roll

# Don't sit there mumbling... #

This is your suite.

# If you want to have a ball

# You got to go out and spend some cash

# And let the good times roll now

# I'm talking about the good times... #

Maybe it doesn't have to be cactus.

# It makes no difference whether you're young or old

# All you got to do is get together and let the good times roll... #

Tommy, where you going?

-Wally's. They're havin' a meeting.

-With who?

-Hollywood.

Mr Kamin, Steven here is one of the most sought-after commercial directors in Hollywood.

Last year, he was nominated for a Clio award in East Germany.

-The commercial was for a new work boot called the Verspatten.

-I assure you

that the Teamsters will support your project 100%.

We were hoping to do this picture non-union.

You know -

no Teamsters, no minimums.

That gonna be a problem?

Let me make this as clear as I possibly can.

There is no way you are going to produce a film in my town without

a full load of union trucks and union drivers surrounding your set.

You try and make a movie here without our trucks

and I'll shut you motherfuckers down before lunch.

Excuse me.

Can I help you with something?

I hear you're having trouble with the Teamsters.

I know somebody that can help.

Look at this.

They say American football don't compare to rugby.

Last night a player was kicked out for shoving his index finger

up another guy's ass at the bottom of the pile.

Tommy, this is Joe Wells.

-Movie producer.

-A pleasure, Mr...

You know what I hate, Mr Wells?

Poor sportsmanship.

I see you're looking at my face.

My wife set me on fire, while I was sleeping.

She doused me with lighter fluid, lit a match...

Six months later our marriage fell apart.

She's very beautiful.

Thank you.

I'd promised her Manhattan, Las Vegas, Chicago. But it wasn't happening for me.

Thanks to her, the company sends me to Providence.

Tommy, he brought the money.

-All of it?

-Eight thousand.

We'd like you to take care of this thing, Mr Sanz.

-We don't want any trouble with the union.

-It's done.

Congratulations.

You just made a deal with the Teamsters.

That's it?

-Sanz took the bribe.

-Let's move.

Wait. Wait!

Devine hasn't given a signal.

Let me ask you something, Mr Wells.

How hard is it to get into the movie business?

-Hi, Steven.

-Ha!

Val! What are you doing here?

-Why are you limping?

-Charlotte was bitten by a water snake.

I jammed a fork into my thigh to create a sense memory.

Ohh...

Oh, Steven, Steven!

Tell me I'm gonna play Charlotte!

Tell me I have the part.

Tell me it was all worth it.

Well, it's, er...

That's complicated.

I do have casting approval, though...

We heard the tape. He took the bribe. That's racketeering - conspiracy to manipulate the union.

You saw how easy this one was.

We can go after bigger fish now.

Joe, it took three dogs to find your finger in Houston.

You know what you'll lose if you mess with the bigger fish in Rhode Island? It's over.

Abe, just give me one more week here in Providence.

-No!

-Let me just cast the movie. That's all I'm asking.

Yeah. Cast the movie.

You said there was no movie.

-Tommy Sanz is already on the line. We can reel him in. Let's see who else we can hook.

-Cast the movie?

You mean really cast it or pretend to cast it?

Steven, this is Monica Montebello.

She'll be reading the role of Charlotte's oncologist, Dr Gayle Reeves.

Hi. How are you?

-Thank you.

-I need a moment, please.

Should I get the stethoscope?

D'you think she should audition with the stethoscope?

Oh, look at the shot I'm getting.

-What are you doing? You're shooting her tits!

-What choice do I have?

You think it would be OK if I ask Joe if I can shoot the movie?

What are you talking about?

I want to be the cinematographer.

Steven! Steven!

Emily French is here!

She just drove up in a limo. She wants to read for Charlotte.

Emily French?

She's been nominated! She must think this is a big movie!

Maybe it is a big movie.

Emily French! She's fantastic!

She was nominated.

What's the name of that movie she was in?

Um, she's a blackjack dealer.

I don't think I saw it.

-I didn't see it either.

-You saw it!

Um...Eric Roberts does her on the pool table.

-She's got silver-dollar nipples.

-Oh, yeah. I saw that on Cinemax.

Man, she's good! I remember that one.

Yeah, what was the name of that thing?

Emily.

Emily French.

-Hi, I'm...

-Don't look at me.

I just had a facial and my skin looks disgusting.

-No, it looks great.

-Really great.

-Really great.

-I'm sorry I just turned up like this,

but I got hold of the script and decided to fight the good fight for this one.

Do you mind if I do the suicide scene?

OK.

I might use this chair...

..as my spirit cave.

It's really good, actually.

-Could you get me a water?

-Yeah, sure. Absolutely.

-And would you mind getting the lights?

-Yes, ma'am.

Women in Hollywood, they are beautiful.

You should see the women in the navy.

-The navy?

-They're nice.

Would you switch, actually?

Yeah.

I can't even write my own name.

I guess this means it's almost over.

I can't...

keep my hand on the page.

Where were you when I needed you?

# Do you know

# Where you're going to?

# Do you like the things

# That life is showing you? #

In a moment I'm gonna die.

I wish I could live to see that.

She's a very good actress.

After my nomination, I just...

freaked out. Turned everything down that they sent.

Then I had a late-term abortion, went into deep depression, got really into coke,

moved to Florida for a year and made a bunch of B-movies for my Euro trash boyfriend,

who wrote and directed and made sure I got my tits out in every other scene.

The truth is, I was blackballed in Hollywood

because the great Jed Walker claimed the baby was his.

that I had murdered his baby in the fifth month, which, if you had seen it, it clearly was not.

But Hollywood wasn't calling, so my assistant and I checked ourselves into rehab in New Mexico

and started working with clay, building miniature adobe structures.

I've still got a condo there, but I've decided to start acting again,

that's why I was in New York doing that horrible play in the buff.

Steven, when my African-American agent sent me a copy of Arizona...

..I cried all night...

..because I was born to play Charlotte.

I tried to kill myself...

..twice.

Once in the bathtub and...

once in Switzerland.

Miss French, we're prepared to offer you the role of Charlotte right here and now.

-But Valerie...

-Could I have your autograph?

Joe, I have casting approval.

-It's in my contract.

-What the fuck is your name?

We have a chance to do something that could change our lives.

For the first time, I've seen the movie in my mind, I feel it in my gut.

As your producer, I'm asking you not to mess this up.

-There you go. Why don't you go and ruin somebody else's dinner?

-OK.

-OK.

We have a limited budget.

Are you kidding?

I don't need the money. I'll be your slave.

I'll wash your shorts.

I'll clip your toenails. Give me that glass.

I have not failed a drug test in six months. Thank you.

Miss French, what are you doing?

Peeing in a cup.

There you go.

I'll pee in a cup every day. Twice a day.

The fucking insurance people can have all the hot, steaming piss they want.

So, tell me about yourselves.

I want to go into business with you, Joe, start producing movies all over the country.

I got contacts - Philadelphia, Jersey, Chicago, New York.

I middle the deals with the Teamsters, you produce the movies. A 50/50 partnership.

These are movies we're talking about. There is risk.

You can't put guns to people's heads and make 'em go to the movies.

If you say so. Anyway, that's why it's your job to make good movies.

-Do you think you could do that?

-I'm a producer. That's what I do.

-Good, this is what I'll do.

Are you insane? It's in Variety, Joe. There's an article in Variety.

That was planted by Emily French's publicist. It's exactly what we needed.

We can't have articles about famous actresses starring in our undercover operation.

We're not even supposed to tell our wives about these things.

Sanz is a partner, so they're all partners.

I'm telling you, we've gotta make this movie now.

I can produce Arizona for 1 million,

sell off the foreign and video rights for twice that much,

presell network and cable because of Emily French.

And if this movie turns out the way that I know it will, I believe we can get

an American distribution deal, which could mean millions more.

You guys have got to trust me.

Two years from now, the heads of the Rhode Island family

will be in federal prison watching the movie that put them away on HBO.

Abe, we'd better read the script.

-Don't hurt him! He's my baby!

-Val, put the dog down.

-What do you think, Steven?

You can just send me away? Just send me back to the Valley? No, Charlotte was mine.

Val, it's Emily French.

I was supposed to be Charlotte.

She's had breast-reduction surgery. She understands the mind-set of mastectomy.

I'm going home, Steven, to do porno. I'm going home to the Valley.

-Please...

-I'm gonna go home, Steven. I'm serious.

Because of you, I'm gonna get gangbanged, Steven.

Gangbanged in Woodland Hills.

A lot of great actresses started out in porn.

DOG WHINES

I'm gonna break this dog's neck.

Don't! Listen, what if you played Dr Gayle Reeves?

The oncologist?

I can't believe it.

I'm the richest man in town. You know why? Because I have friends.

Let's make a movie. Let's do it. Yeah!

The following screenplay is the property of the United States Government.

Fade in Arizona day.

A wide shot across the desert floor.

Charlotte is an angel walking across the water.

I'm leaning toward this one with the white nose.

-Looks like he might be named Thunder.

-His name's Frosty.

What if we called him Thunder?

That's his name in the script. Would he still trot for us?

He's a donkey. He trots when you hit him with a stick.

Jesus! Look at the cock on this one, Steven.

I want riding lessons immediately.

-We're in The Hollywood Reporter. Both our names are mentioned.

-Steven,

you just got a telegram from Pat Morita.

He's read half the script, and he thinks he wants to play the part of Rick.

I'm calling his agents.

This is perfect. I've always pictured Rick as a middle-aged Asian.

With Morita, we can have anybody we want for Old Man Larreby and Chief Black Bear.

Joe, I want soaring music over the reptile house montage. We should go after Randy Newman for the score.

Who's Randy Newman?

He wrote the score to The Natural.

Randy Newman. "I Love LA"?

"Short People"?

# Short people got

# No reason

# Short people got no reason

# Short people got no reason to live

# They got little hands

# Little feet

# They drive little cars that go beep, beep, beep

# Well, I don't want no short people

# Don't want no short people round here... #

What the fuck's wrong with Joe?

Abe, why don't we start with our general comments?

While we love the emotional journey that Charlotte takes in this script,

we feel there are things that could make this story more accessible to a general audience.

Number one.

A high-speed motorcycle chase.

I really think we need to discuss the burro first.

Right.

The burro is a big problem in Washington.

Well, I've already booked the burro.

As we read it, Charlotte frees the old burro at the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

She knows she's dying, so she frees the burro.

If she liberates the burro back into the wild, he's gonna die.

Guys, Steven loves the burro.

Joe, we suggest she free some other type of animal.

Maybe a large bird.

She could come across an injured bird on the side of the road.

Maybe an eagle. She could mend its wing and then set it free.

The bald eagle's an emotional symbol in this country, and they're endangered.

She's on foot, so why is she walking around carrying a large eagle?

If she had a motorcycle she wouldn't be on foot.

I heard you're cutting the burro scene. Why wasn't I called?

-We didn't think it would matter to you.

-Not matter to me?

You didn't think it would matter to me?!

I'm the executive producer of this film. I have business cards printed.

-It fuckin' matters!

-Tommy,

the dentists in Boston believe that the old burro would die in the wild.

That old burro's gonna die anyway.

It's tired and sickly.

You tell the dentists that Charlotte is giving it some fuckin' dignity.

We're leaning toward another animal now.

Like a horse?

Eagle.

Yeah. That'll work.

She's gonna ride an eagle down to the floor of the Grand Canyon.

Is this a fuckin' Disney movie?

No, no. She's gonna find it by the side of the road.

It's gonna have a broken wing.

Who the fuck broke it?

-PHONE RINGS

-Production. Can you hold, please?

No, Mr Schats is in a meeting. All right. I'll transfer you.

No, Mr Schats is in Wardrobe. He can't come to the phone.

Ta-da! Look at this.

That's it, Emily. That's the suicide dress. This will be the last image of Charlotte

-as she jumps from the cave.

-I wanted to talk to you guys about that.

-About what?

The end of the picture, the dreaded third act.

-I know what you're gonna say. We don't need the cremation montage. It's redundant.

-No,

I'm talking about Charlotte's death. It seems pointless to kill her off like that.

What if she lived?

Lived? Lived? Oh, no, that's impossible.

This movie is a runaway train heading towards Charlotte's death.

I've always felt that dying inspired her to live,

which is why she tries sushi for the first time in Flagstaff.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, OK. OK, yeah, I get it.

Yeah, it was just a thought. I won't bring it up again.

I am so starving.

Anybody want to get a pizza?

Hey. You coming downstairs? Emily's waiting at the bar.

I stole all the little shampoos.

Little conditioner, little soaps.

Even the shower cap.

I stole them from the hotel, put them inside my suitcase.

What are you talking about?

Two years ago,

I rented a chicken suit.

I stood outside the William Morris Agency and tried to hand out copies of my script.

They sent two boys from the mailroom to beat me up.

-Well, hey, all that's behind you now.

-What if you're wrong?

What if I've waited all this time and I can't do it?

Have you ever seen a man die?

I'm not sure I understand the question.

Have you actually seen a person die, watched them bleed to death, seen them take their last breath?

I've seen that...

many times.

Why have you seen that?

I used to produce music videos.

And when people are close to death, when they're lying on the floor staring up at those lights,

they all have the same expressions on their faces.

No matter who they are, people are basically afraid of the unknown.

But you don't have to be afraid.

You can put the shampoo bottles and soaps back in the bathroom,

because you're gonna make a great movie.

WE are gonna make a great movie.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Hey, Joe? I put a little start-up gift in your room.

Just something to say thank you.

-I didn't get you anything.

-Didn't get me anything?

You got me to Providence.

Get some rest.

DOOR SLAMS

Joe, the Federal Bureau of Investigation is prepared to offer you a three-picture deal.

You are kidding me!

We'd like to start production on movies in Philadelphia, New Jersey and New York City.

Any questions?

I want merchandising.

What's merchandising?

Toys.

Go fuck yourself.

Here is the key to the city of Providence. Arizona of the East.

The good people of Providence have one thing to say -

break a leg.

Hello, everybody.

I'm Steven Schats, director.

This is Joe Wells, our producer.

I'd like to just welcome everybody to the cast and crew read-through, the first one of Arizona.

We start shooting in three days. Before we begin,

I'd like to go around the table and have everyone introduce yourself.

Oh...

Pat Morita, playing Rick. APPLAUSE

Hey, what about this? Do we want to see the cancer leave her body?

That could work.

That could work. That could work.

How would we do that?

Emily French, Charlotte.

Clarence Smith, cinematographer.

What if he said, "Put you in remission"?

-I like it.

-Russell Means, Chief Black Bear.

It's actually not Chief Black Bear any more. That didn't clear.

You have to be Chief Black Hawk.

Oh, shit. Hope I can handle that.

Valerie Weston - Dr Gayle Reeves, oncologist.

Lonnie.

This is my agent, Lonnie.

I guess the trip must have tired him out.

Lonnie.

Lonnie!

I'll be dedicating this film to my late agent and dear friend, Lonnie Bosco.

I wrote a short poem for Lonnie entitled "Your Arm's Too Short to Box with Moses."

Mr Wells.

I've got some good news.

There's someone flying in from New York tomorrow for the first day of shootin'.

Someone very important to me.

This person is head of my family, Joe,

-and he wants to get into the business.

-He's talking about John Gotti.

I want everyone to stay on their toes.

-Gotti's coming to Providence.

-Make a good impression. OK, Joe?

So don't fuck it up.

# You got to pick 'em up just to say hello

# Well, I don't want no short people now... #

Ah!

Remission?

You put her in remission?

-Marshal.

-You thought you could just take it, didn't you? You thought I'd never find out.

Is that your gun from the show?

Even prop guns fired at close range can damage an eardrum.

-You wanna be deaf?

-What do you want, Marshal?

I want what you promised me!

I want to walk up the red carpet.

I want my name on a poster.

I wanna be invited back to my high school to speak at career day.

You want a drink? Come on, Marshal.

Why did Dad have to look like Lorne Greene?

Why did he have to be the star?

Take it easy, Marshal.

He means well.

He shoots me three times a day in the centre of town.

My own father guns me down like an animal.

Well, then walk away. Marshal, you're a great writer.

Bullshit. I'm a fake.

And so are you.

And I'm not gonna let you get away with it.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about...Charlotte.

Marshal, I'm warning you. I'm warning you.

We have a sister named Charlotte.

We have a sister. Say it. We have a sister named Charlotte.

-No.

-Say it!

We made it all up. We never had a sister, Steven.

There is no Charlotte. We took the name from Charlotte's Web, Mom's favourite book.

We had a sister. We had a sister, you...

We did not have a fucking...

-Bitch!

-Sister.

-We did!

-We didn't have a fucking sister.

She ate peyote with the Hopi Indians.

My entire crew is wearing black armbands in memory of her.

Why couldn't you just throw the script away, like everyone else?

This is my big chance, Marshal.

If Wells finds out... If the dentists find out the truth...

If you ruin this for me, I swear to God...

You can't win, Steven.

They will crucify you.

The Providence Cancer Society had a dinner honouring me tonight.

They flew in Fred Willard to MC.

They had a scholarship named after her for summer camp.

Don't you get it? They love Charlotte.

They need her. The fact that we made it up...

it means nothing.

You'll never get away with it, Steven.

You can't fool Hollywood.

They can smell a fake a mile away.

I'm not a fake.

I'm a director.

One in a million, huh?

One in a million.

The director is on set. Repeat, the director is on set.

Half-hour, Miss French.

Anyone bring film?

Very quiet, please.

Director on set.

They grab Ugarte, then she walks in.

Well, that's the way it goes.

One in, one out.

I'm gonna ask Joe to work on his next movie. Props.

I'm not carrying anybody's chairs.

Who cares what we do as long as we get the fuck out of this van?

The lion has landed. The circus has come to town.

He passed Checkpoint Bravo.

All right, ten minutes to showtime.

-Ten-minute warning, people! We've got ten minutes!

-The tarantula should break for lunch.

-Hello, Joe.

-Jack.

We need to talk.

-We should not be doing this, Mrs Traviano.

-Tommy, we're late.

-I just wanna see this part.

-As your lawyer, I want to advise you...

You're not my lawyer, Mr Vaughn.

You're a paralegal.

This Emily French - she's a revelation.

FBI! Stop right there. Get down on your knees. Get down!

To the ground right now! Hands behind your back.

Oh! Oh!

SHE CONTINUES PANTING

What are you doing here? Gotti's gonna be here any minute.

I've got some very good news for you. We arrested Gotti this morning at the Ravenite Club in New Jersey.

-I don't understand.

-We had a bug up his ass, got him on tape talking about the Castellano hit.

-He's gonna be goin' away for a very long time.

-No, no.

You're wrong. Gotti's in Providence.

He's coming here.

The man who is coming here today is Victor Sanz.

He's Tommy Sanz's 87-year-old father. We arrested Sanz a few minutes ago at his house.

If the play is in New Jersey, why five cover teams here in Providence?

Because I've been using Operation Dramex as a decoy.

-Decoy?

-Nobody knew, Joseph, not even the other agents.

Joseph.

Joseph, don't be mad about this. I was trying to nail John Gotti. You helped me do that.

What about the movie?

We're the FBI. We don't make movies. I want you to go down there and shut it down.

We're about to shoot the first scene, the very first shot.

Right now. Shut it down and get these freaks on the next plane to LA.

We can make movies everywhere and nail the rest of these bosses.

-Shut it down!

-I can't do that.

-Shut it down or I'll do it myself.

You're fucking yourself. This is Jack Devine.

We're not gonna pull the plug. Listen to me. Just listen to me.

-What are you doing?

-We're gonna get the first shot,

it's gonna be a beautiful shot, just wait and see.

-Put that gun down!

-Wide angle across the desert floor. Nothing can be seen for miles. We pan left.

Suddenly, an image appears, a mirage limping toward us in the distance.

Charlotte is an angel walking across the water, except the water is sand and the angel is dying.

-She's dying?

-Yes.

-She's limping across?

It's Charlotte!

She's walking... The angel's dying...

Oh, Joseph, you've always wanted this so bad, haven't you?

You want it so bad, and now you just fucked it all up.

Stop it. Put the gun down.

-Put it down.

-Steven is gonna make a beautiful film. We can do this...

I don't give a fuck about Steven and his movie.

I'm shutting this down.

Miss French is leaving make-up now.

SHE CHANTS

-Roll it.

-Quiet, people. We're rolling.

-Arizona, scene one, take one.

Arizona, scene one, take one.

And...action.

It's over, Snake Eyes. Drop the gold.

We don't need no more killin' here.

This got nothin' to do with your boys, Cartwright.

Let's just finish this,

you and me.

GUNSHOT

What are you doing?

Marshal! You're dead!

Marshal.

Marshal.

This is Director Devine.

This is Director Devine. Shut it down.

Shut it down.

Cut! Cut. That was great, Emily.

We'll go again. Great. Great job.

That's great. Going again.

Oh, my God! Steven, what the fuck?

Joe!

Oh, my God! It's the fucking paparazzi!

You people just leave me alone! I'm just a normal person!

SIRENS WAIL Joe, what's happening? Who are they?

-Dentists.

-What?

Joe!

Joe, don't leave.

Tell them it's OK. Tell them. You're a producer.

The star, producer and director of Leaving Arizona has just pulled to the front of the theatre.

It's an amazing directorial debut from a tremendous talent who was the toast of Sundance this year.

Here she is. Emily French.

Leaving Arizona is the story of the making of another movie, Arizona,

which was, in fact, an elaborate FBI sting operation.

So, Emily, how does it feel?

Oh, this film was such a labour of love for me,

and it was a very difficult journey I took, a journey that almost got me killed by FBI agents and gangsters.

But I knew as soon as I read this script that it would make a fantastic film.

Good night!

Thank you.

Enjoy the show.

Thank you. Enjoy the show.

Hope you enjoyed the show.

-Good night, Mr Schats.

-Good night, Dustin. Take care.

All right.

Hello, Steven.

My wife didn't drown in a Jacuzzi.

Sasha was my dog's name, and she killed herself because I was never home.

My real name is Joe Devine.

Yeah, I know who you are, I saw the movie.

And, by the way, I thought Tom Berenger captured you beautifully.

They made my character afraid of heights. I could never understand that.

Well, here's something I don't understand, Agent Devine.

Why me? Why'd it have to be me?

-I'm sorry.

-Millions of people, and the United States government takes down Steven Schats.

Well, why? I'd like to know why.

Because you had no choice but to believe me.

Go to hell, Joe.

I'd like to try to pay you back some of that money.

Please, stop lying to me.

Well, hey, wait a minute. What about your lies?

-What about Charlotte?

-Yeah, that's right. Charlotte was a lie.

And I'm no director, and you're not a producer.

But we almost pulled it off, didn't we? We almost made it happen. We almost had it all.

That stuff only happens in the movies.

Yeah, I know that.

Do you mind? I'm trying to close up.

I got something for you.

I spent my last day as an FBI agent stealing this from the evidence room in Washington.

It's yours.

I'll see you around, Steven.

You're not gonna believe this, but I'm working on a script.

What's the script about?

About two FBI agents, one good, one bad, chasing down a million dollars of lost drug money

in Los Angeles during the 1984 Olympics, and here's the catch.

They're both Mormon.

Well, that's not such a bad idea.

-Well, it needs work. Having some trouble with the second act.

-Yeah.

Second acts are tough.

I could use a director.

Hey, Joe...

wanna watch this together?

OK, Sam. Roll it, please.

Arizona, scene one, take one.

And... action.

Live!

I want to live!

Oh, my God!

An American eagle?

MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVS UP

That looked pretty good.

-Yeah. I liked the pan.

-It seemed to work.

Wanna watch it again?

Would you play it again, Sam?

So, what's your movie called?

I don't have a title.

It's set in LA, so I thought it should be Hollywood something.

Hollywood Heat?

Hollywood Cash?

Hollywood Gold. Hollywood Chase.

-Hollywood and Crime.

-Hey, that's pretty good.

DOG BARKS

OTHER DOGS JOIN IN

What time is your audition?

Oh, good luck.

I know you're gonna get it.

You love Oreos.

I...I love you so much.

DOG HOWLS

# You got to accentuate the positive

# And eliminate the negative

# Then latch on to the affirmative

# But don't mess with Mr In-Between

# To illustrate my last remark

# Jonah in the whale, Noah in the ark

# What did they do just when everything looked so dark?

# Man, they said you got to

# Accentuate the positive

# Eliminate the negative

# And hang on to the affirmative

# But don't mess with Mr In-Between

# We've got to accentuate the positive

# And eliminate the negative

# And hang on to the affirmative

# But don't mess with Mr In-Between

# No, no, don't mess

# Oh, baby, I said don't mess

# You'd better not

# Don't mess with Mr In-Between! #

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