The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou

This film contains strong language.

SPEAKS ITALIAN

APPLAUSE

The Oubyamywe Peninsula,

a remote and fascinating region

teeming with extraordinary marine life.

We chose its mysterious waters

as The Belafonte's next destination.

In preparation for our voyage,

the members of Team Zissou

gathered at my oceanographic observatory

here on Pescespada Island.

This was to be our most ambitious adventure to date

and, ultimately, a tragic one.

Our team included Esteban Du Plantier, chief diver.

Our senior statesman,

my closest colleague for 27 years.

Klaus Daimler, 40, engineer.

Calm, collected, German.

Vikram Ray, 28, cameraman.

Born on the Ganges.

Bobby Ogata, 22, frogman.

Renzo Pietro, 45, editor, soundman.

Vladimir Wolodarsky, 33,

physicist, original score composer.

Anne-Marie Sakowitz, 25, script girl.

Pele Dos Santos, 30, safety expert.

Eleanor Zissou, my wife,

vice-president of the Zissou Society.

We had also invited seven marine science students

from the university of North Alaska

to accompany us as unpaid interns

in exchange for school credit.

October 12th.

Esteban and I explore the blue reefs

beyond the peninsula.

Fluorescent snapper unexpectedly appear in the shallows,

extremely rare at this depth.

Where's your gun?

Steve? Steve?

Where's Esteban? Is that thing rolling, Vikram?

Encounter with highly abnormal shark-like fish, ten meters in length,

unfamiliar dorsal features, spots all over it.

I shot it dorsally with a homing dart.

Esteban was eaten.

Check the scanning monitor.

Start tracking it before it goes too deep!

Esteban was bitten? Eaten!

Is he dead?

Esteban was eaten. He was swallowed whole?

No! Chewed. Check the scanning monitor!

He's got hydrogen psychosis -

"crazy eye."

Steve, we think you got crazy eye.

Get him out of the fucking water.

Esteban!

Esteban! Esteban!

Esteban!

Esteban!

Steve! Esteban!

Esteban!

Esteban!

Esteban!

SPEAKS ITALIAN

Was it a deliberate choice never to show the jaguar shark?

No, I dropped the camera.

LAUGHTER

SPEAKS ITALIAN LAUGHTER

Why are they laughing?

SPEAKS ITALIAN

Yes. What's next for Team Zissou?

Well, that was only part one.

It's a cliff-hanger.

Now I'm gonna go hunt down that shark,

or whatever it is,

and hopefully kill it.

I don't know how yet. Maybe dynamite.

MURMURING: You don't know what it is?

No, I've never seen anything like it before in my life.

You say it is a jaguar shark. That's the title of your film.

It was coming right at us.

I just said the first two words that came into my head.

SPEAKS FRENCH

That's an endangered species at most.

What would be the scientific purpose

of killing it?

Revenge.

Bravo. What fun.

Steve, I'd like to introduce you to Antonia Cook.

She's the new head of the film society.

You must be so excited.

I hope so. You think it went OK?

No. Congratulations, seriously.

Thanks. I wish it didn't require the "seriously," but thank you.

Well, I just don't think they got it.

Steve... Good turnout tonight.

..you know Larry Amin, chairman of Saudi Film. Oh, yeah. Hi.

Larry and I were discussing our financial predicament.

I thought it would be nice if the three of us rode out

to the party together, just the three of us.

Why? Does Larry have that kind of spending bread to invest?

The king's backing him now... I just got 500 million capitalization from the king.

Captain Zissou, can I get a shot of you with Captain Hennessey?

Where?

Make it quick.

Hey, Steven. How's everything going with your...

What are you calling it? Leopard fish?

Jaguar shark. Jaguar shark. Exactly.

I love it. Tell me something.

Does it actually exist?

You know, Ali, I don't want to give away the ending.

Good man.

Oh, here comes our girl.

You're the most ravishing creature

that I've ever seen in my life.

Hello, skinny. Hello, Eleanor.

Is that a new merit badge?

Oh, yeah, as a matter of fact, it is.

I just became a knight in Portugal.

The presidente gave a special ball...

Don't be nice to Ali. He's my nemesis.

How could you lay that slick faggot?

Well, I was in love with him at the time.

Yeah, he's charismatic.

How are you feeling?

I'm right on the edge.

I don't know what comes next.

Wait here. I'll be right back.

I just wanted to say hello. Hi.

Hey, baby.

I said I wanted to say hello.

I didn't say I wanted you to touch me.

I'm here with my wife. Eleanor, this is Mendeeza.

Do we really want to put me through this?

People say Eleanor is the brains behind Team Zissou.

What is Steve?

LAUGHS

He's the Zissou.

INTERVIEW CONTINUING

Steve, this is my little nephew, Werner.

He wanted to meet you.

How you doing, Werner?

He brought you a present.

A crayon pony fish.

Wow.

Interesting specimen.

Thanks, pal.

You're welcome.

Steve...

you don't look too good.

How's this?

Steve, there's a bloke over there wants a word with you.

What do you need, old man? SPEAKS ITALIAN

How many of these do you have?

All right, look,

just forge the rest of them yourself, all right?

Get outta here.

Hey, Steve, how come you're not sitting Shivah for your friend Esteban?

What'd you say?

Who you gonna kill in part two?

CROWD GASPS Steve.

STEVE: Ow!

SINGS "ZIGGY STARDUST" IN PORTUGUESE

Larry Amin's flying back to Mecca tonight,

see if he can make the numbers work.

He should have an answer for us in ten days.

Tell him we need to know by Sunday.

Why would I do that, my darling?

To call his bluff, damn it, to light a fire under his ass.

My darling, we haven't made a hit documentary in nine years.

Let's not fuck with Larry Amin.

Doubles. Explain it to him, will you, Eleanor?

Screwdriver. He understands.

Amin needs to make a projection of the world grosses

to see if he can get a tax break and run it through his output deal.

I don't understand, but I can tell it's bullshit.

Oh, what the hell is going on?

Play the black jack on the red queen.

GENERATOR WHIRS

Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'm gonna go on an overnight drunk,

and in ten days, I'm gonna set out

to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it.

Anyone that would care to join me is more than welcome.

Captain Zissou, I'm sorry to bother you.

I'm Ned Plimpton.

OK, man.

My mother's Catherine Plimpton.

You're kidding.

No.

How is she?

She died last month.

I'm sorry. Shit.

She was...

Hmm.

I've heard of you.

I don't know if it's true or not, by the way. Do you?

No, I don't.

I haven't heard from her in 30 years.

I guess it's too late now.

She never contacted me, you know.

Yes, I see.

You're supposed to be my son, right?

I don't know,

but I did want to meet you,

just in case.

I appreciate that.

I'll be right back. don't go away?

MUSIC: "Life On Mars" by David Bowie

Sorry about that.

You caught me with one foot off the merry-go-round tonight.

Oh, that's all right. I don't wanna take up too much of your time,

and I wanna thank you for talking to me and...

We'll find a way, mate. I know we will.

I just had a lovely chat with Sy Perlman.

He wants to make a big to-do of the Oceanographic Explorer article,

possibly give you the front cover,

so do be nice to this girl Miss Winslett-Richardson, won't you?

Apparently she worships you, and we dearly need the press.

Oseary, this is probably my son Ned.

We just met.

Ah. Oh, how delightful.

Hello.

Anyway, his mother just died.

Plus, we're having some problems.

I just think it'd be a very special opportunity

for all of us, especially him.

He needs this deal. OK, bring him over.

Well, he's right here.

I'm sorry. How do you do?

So what do you do?

I'm a pilot. Air Kentucky.

Air Kentucky. Co-pilot, actually.

Yeah, I don't know that one.

We hub out of Louisville.

Well, sure, there's some pretty country in those parts.

Landlocked.

I have to tell you

I've been a member of the Zissou Society since I was 11.

Well, I'll be damned. Look at that.

Wanna kill this?

Frankly, I better not. I don't usually try grass.

Let me tell you about my boat.

The Belafonte was a long-range subhunter

during the Second World War,

which we bought from the US Navy for 900,000.

This is my mentor, Lord Mandrake.

He's dead now.

The sauna was designed

by an engineer from the Chinese space programme,

and we keep a Swedish masseuse on staff.

Here's where we do all our different science projects

and experiments and so on.

This is the kitchen, which contains probably

some of the most technologically advanced equipment on the ship.

Eleanor put together a top-notch research library for us,

with a complete first-edition set

of The Life Aquatic companion series.

We process our own rushes and keep a cutting room on board

so we can do an assembly while we're shooting.

I can't find them. Once again, please.

This is the observation bubble,

which I thought up in a dream, actually.

Two albino scouts swim with the ship.

They're supposedly very intelligent,

although I've never seen any evidence of it.

Here's the engine room.

The bearing casings aren't supposed to look like that,

but we can't afford to fix 'em this year.

Topside we've got the bridge, the minisub, an old chopper

and all kinds of radar and sonar

and underwater movie gadgets.

NED: What happened to Jacqueline?

She didn't really love me.

Lord Mandrake.

It's wonderful. Very lifelike.

I'm not crazy about it.

This guy's a big-time asshole.

We were roommates at the Academy.

He used to be married to Eleanor.

He hogs up all the grant money.

You think you'll want to change your name?

Ned?

No, not the Ned part, unless you want to.

I meant your last name.

I thought you might like to let me give you mine.

Ned Zissou?

Ned Zissou. Exactly.

Or if you want to, you can change the first part, too.

I would have named you Kingsley if I'd had a say in it.

Kingsley.

I don't know.

Maybe I'll stick with Ned for now.

Sure. That's OK.

Anyway, I'll order you some correspondence stock.

What are you doing? I ordered the wine.

Pour it over here, please. He doesn't know anything about wine.

MEN SPEAK ITALIAN

Are those assholes talking about me?

People say when someone says something like that about you,

it's because they re jealous,

but it still hurts.

It hurts bad.

That man was damn rude. He can go straight to hell.

How did she die, by the way, your mother?

She took her own life. She took sleeping pills.

Why would she do that?

Well, she was in a great deal of pain, you know.

Oh.

I see, yeah.

You know, my best friend just got killed, Esteban.

Yeah, I know.

The old man.

Let's go to my island.

Well, I...

I have to be back in Kentucky on Thursday.

Thursday? OK. That's OK.

MUSIC: "Rebel Rebel" by David Bowie

Your cat's dead.

What? Which one?

Marmalade. I'm sorry.

What happened?

A rattlesnake bit it in the throat.

Goddamn it, Eleanor, why do you have to say it like that?

You couldn't try to break it a little bit nicer?

She's a rich bitch, you know.

She was raised by maids.

Her parents paid for this island and two of my worst movies.

People say she's the brains behind Team Zissou.

People say a lot of things.

What kind of cat was it?

Who gives a shit? I think it was a tabby.

Ned? Wanna come inside, we'll make up a room for you?

Steve, that reporter called.

STEVE: Ned, wake up.

Yes. I'm on the echo box.

Push the red button to answer.

Throw on your slob and meet me on the beach in 12 minutes.

The white button? OK.

Action!

Only twice before have I had the good fortune

to observe a rubber tide,

that rare occurrence when hundreds of electric jellyfish

spontaneously wash onto a beachhead at once.

Bobby Ogata brings exactly this

to our attention tonight.

Steve, what produces this effect of illumination?

Is there a chemical inside the organism?

No, Ned. Actually, it's the reflection of the moonlight

on their outer membranes.

That's a very good ad lib.

Klaus, come over here and get a two-shot of me and Ned.

Ned, come in here.

Would you like to join my crew?

Would I like to... I want you on Team Zissou.

I don't think I can do that. Why not?

Well, it's not my field. I don't have the background for it.

No-one here does.

Klaus used to be a bus driver.

Wolodarsky was a high-school substitute teacher.

We're a pack of strays, don't you get it?

Steve, I'm not even that strong a swimmer.

The answer's yes.

Well, it's got to be.

I'll order you a red cap and a Speedo.

Cut. Klaus, why aren't you rolling?

Could I have a word with you, please?

STEVE: Why aren't you getting this?

That was a goddamn tearjerker.

Why did you cut it, man?

Because the sound is going to be shit.

He doesn't even know how to hold a boom.

He doesn't know diddly-Jack about what we're doing.

Don't cut unless I say cut.

I've never seen so many electric jellyfish in all my life.

Those are Vietcong man-of-wars.

Oh, shit, she's right.

I guess we'll have to loop that line.

Where'd you come from? You look pregnant.

I am pregnant.

I'm not even going to ask what you men are doing out here

in your matching pyjamas, by the way.

We're producing a film, as a matter of fact. Who are you?

I'm Jane Winslett-Richardson.

I'm the reporter from The Oceanographic Explorer.

Oh, yeah, sure. How'd you get out here?

I hired some drunk in a fishing boat.

That would take four hours. Why would you do that?

Because no-one picked me up at the effing airport.

Jesus Christ, Klaus.

One of my guys was supposed to do that.

How long have you been working with Zissou?

Uh, approximately...

only ten minutes, actually.

I was hired during the scene on the beach.

He's Steve's son, supposedly. You are?

No, you're not. He doesn't have one.

Well, we're not 100% sure about that yet.

We just met yesterday.

Not this one, Klaus. Hmm?

You heard me. Not this one.

OK.

First thing in the morning, huh? Just print everything?

Yeah, tell him to push it a stop and a half. OK.

What are you gonna do with him?

Who?

Ned? What do you mean?

I don't understand the question.

I offered him a spot on The Belafonte.

He didn't take it, did he?

Of course he took it.

We're gonna put him on the map, Eleanor.

We're gonna throw him a life preserver.

I believe in this boy. Why?

Because he looks up to me.

Yes, sir, and McKennan's willing to take over my shuttle flights.

That's right.

Well, I just feel I need to see this thing through, sir.

Thank you for understanding.

I'll check in with the Louisville office again next month.

PIANO ON RADIO

JANE: "...As I have not, as they say,

"enough power of observation

"to isolate their sense of colour.

"For a long time afterwards, whenever I thought of her,

"the memory of those bright eyes

"would at once present itself to me as a vivid azure,

"so much so that perhaps if her eyes had not been quite so black,

"which was what struck one most forcibly

"on first meeting her,

"I should not have been, as I was,

"so especially enamoured of their imagined blue."

Hold it.

That's poetry?

No, it's a six-volume novel.

Oh, so you're gonna read that whole thing to yourself out loud.

I'm not reading it to myself, I'm reading it to him.

When did you learn Zissou was your father?

Does it freak you out for me to ask that?

No, it doesn't, but it's a difficult question.

I sort of pieced it together over the years.

Well, how did he first contact you?

He didn't.

I went looking for him last month after my mother died.

She had ovarian cancer,

then it spread to her stomach and liver, and she took her own life.

Oh.

Well, good night, I guess.

Oh, good night.

You mind if I stay and listen for a little while?

OK.

SHE CLEARS HER THROAT

Do you want me to catch you up on the story?

No, I'll be able to figure it out.

I'll just catch as catch can.

They made these for about...

three and a half years before they terminated my sponsorship.

These are great.

May I turn this on? Fire one.

So what happened, in your opinion?

What are you talking about?

Don't you think public perception of your work

has significantly altered in the last five years?

That's your first question? I thought this was supposed to be a puff piece.

Should we come back to it?

Yeah.

OK.

Is it true that this is going to be your last voyage?

Wow. No comment.

Who told you that?

No, goddamn it. I'm only 52.

How about we start out with some stock dialogue?

You know, favourite colour - blue.

Favourite food - sardines.

How do you feel about part one of your new film?

Why? How do you feel about part one of my new film?

Well, I'm honest, you know, so... Just say it.

I thought aspects of it seemed slightly fake.

Wolodarsky...

I'll take five, Steve. ..How about taking five?

Did it seem fake

when my best friend was bitten in half right in front of me,

then eaten alive, screaming?

I think you're a fake.

I think you're a phoney

and a bad reporter.

How does that feel?

Now, tell me something...

does this seem fake?

How dare you.

This entire article was my idea.

No-one else gives a shit.

What about Sy Perlman?

Are you joking? He's not even covering my expenses.

You're taking something out on me.

SHE SNIFFS

Stop crying.

What's the deal here?

I was only trying to defend myself.

Well, you did a great job.

SHE TURNS RECORDER ON I'm sure you'll make a terrific father.

So, you really think you're a Zissou?

I don't know.

You travelled a long way for "I don't know", sonny.

That's true,

but it's important to me.

Ja, well, there are a lot of things

that are important to some people around here, sonny.

Klaus, don't call me sonny. One more thing.

It's the Steve Zissou show, not the Ned show.

You hear me?

Yes, I do.

Klaus!

Ja?

If you ever touch me again,

I will kick your goddamned teeth out, is that understood?

Not if I don't see you first, sonny.

We gotta watch ourselves around this Jane character.

Don't tell her anything personal.

If you're not sure about something,

change the subject and look for me.

This bull dyke's got something against us.

I don't think she's a lesbian. She's pregnant.

Bull dykes can get pregnant.

Anyway, I'd back out now, but we need the press.

See you in the morning.

Steve?

Hmm?

When'd you first hear about me?

About five years ago.

I read it in an article about myself.

Did you believe it?

It was in the paper.

I assumed they... checked their facts.

Why didn't you contact me?

Because I hate fathers, and I never wanted to be one.

I forgot.

Your correspondence stock came in.

ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS

JANE: Hi, Ross. Started today.

I'll forward some pages to you through the copy department.

You're probably right, though.

DISTANT SINGING

What am I doing here?

I miss you and...

Oh, God, I don't know, Ross.

Where are you?

Listen, I'm not leaving this message.

Don't even know why I'm still pregnant.

PHONE HANGS UP

The script girl uses these for continuity.

Here. Oh, no, no, no.

No exceptions. Everyone gets one.

Anne-Marie, do the interns get glocks?

No, they all share one.

Take it, Ned.

Steve! What?

Whack on the echo box.

Zissou here.

KLAUS: Steve, Oseary Drakoulias on line two.

Yeah?

I spoke with Larry Amin,

and it's a pass.

In other words, you fucked us.

Let's not cast stones at one another, my boy.

Do you hear me, damn it? Do you?! No, I don't!

I told you how to play it! Bloody hell. Listen here, mate...

May I interrupt for a moment?

Who the blazes is that?

It's me - Ned.

Maybe this is nothing, maybe it's something.

I don't know your problems. I don't know...

but I just inherited 275,000.

Would that amount make any difference?

What sort of expression is the lad wearing on his face?

Can you fly a chopper?

I have, but I'm certainly not licensed in any way, shape or form.

Great. Let's go.

METAL CLANKS

When was this whirlybird last serviced?

I don't know.

Klaus is supposed to check it every six months.

You're back on the water, boys.

The wire transfer came straight through from Kentucky,

and Jackman and Worsley

are going to gap-finance the rest.

But we have a few hooks on it, so take a pew for a spell.

Number one, the bank want a drug screen for everyone on the crew

before they'll forward the money.

A piss test? Yes, a piss test.

Two, a stooge from the bond company

will be riding everywhere during the whole shoot

to keep you on budget. Who's the stooge?

A chap by the name of Bill Ubell,

and there's not a damn thing you can do about that, Steve.

Three, you must swear, legally swear,

that you'll not kill that shark, or whatever it is,

if it actually exists.

I'm going to fight it, but I'll let it live.

What about my dynamite?

Phillip, dynamite.

I'm off to Zurich. Follow me, chaps.

Mr Ubell, I'd like for you to know Steve Zissou

and our equity partner, Ned.

I hope you're not gonna bust our chops, Bill.

Why would I do that?

Because you're a bond company stooge.

Well, I'm also a human being.

All right, I take that back.

Yeah.

Let's have some teamsmanship.

Ho!

1, 2, 3.

Come on.

1, 2, 3.

Attaboy. Attaboy.

Here he is. Here he is.

Come on. You OK, Ned? You OK?

All right, all right. Give him some room. He's OK.

He just drank a little too much water.

How are you shooting this, Vikram? Wide open?

Light, 5/6.

As always, even in the most challenging circumstances,

the members of Team Zissou find ways to keep morale high.

CHEERING

Wait. Hold it.

Is that a distress bark?

Is something wounded out there?

NARRATING: We quickly locate the source of the mysterious cry.

What is she, Steve?

A wild snow mongoose.

We thought they were extinct.

Her ankle's broken. Ogata? Yeah.

Run and get some hot milk

and put these guys in the incubator.

We radio for the emergency transport

of our rare, beautiful new friends.

That's what it used to be like.

SQUEAKING

STRUMMING GUITAR

BIRDS CHIRPING

ELEANOR: Had Ned's heart stopped beating

before you pulled him out of the water?

Had Ned's heart stopped beating

before we pulled him out of the water?

Yes, but we got him started again pretty quickly.

Don't go on this voyage right now, Steve.

One of you is already dead, after all.

Who?

Oh, you mean Esteban? Thanks for bringing that up.

Who's gonna tell us the Latin names

of all the fishes and everything?

You know I can't remember all that shit.

Please stop, Eleanor. Eleanor, stop.

Why are you leaving? I'm leaving because I don't want to be a part

of whatever's gonna happen out there.

Nobody knows what's going to happen, and then we film it.

That's the whole concept.

That's how we've always done it.

I can't believe you took that boy's money.

He's an investor.

He's my sidekick.

The sugar crabs are back.

They're early this year.

I've never seen them mating before the solstice.

Is that mating?

Goodbye, Steve.

Don't say that.

Even if it's true... don't say that.

It's too painful.

What do you want me to say?

Say, "Bon voyage."

Bon voyage.

PELE SINGS IN PORTUGUESE

STEVE: Kingsley Ned Zissou, 29,

junior-grade diving tech, executive producer.

Energetic, spirited, youthful.

Normally we would track the jaguar shark

with the scanning monitor we keep on board The Belafonte,

but its power tubes have seized up and blown a gasket.

We now proceed to the more advanced system

located on a colleague's offshore facility.

This will be Team Zissou's next stop.

See, Renzo, this is what I'm talking about -

a relationship subplot.

There's chemistry between us, you know?

Huh?

Here's a quote. Wait up. Who from?

"Zissou has an almost magical connection

"to the life of the sea.

"He speaks its language fluently.

"I've never met a boy like that in all my life.

"Lord Mandrake."

You should have opened with that one.

He was your mentor.

Hey, intern, get me a campari, will ya?

On the rocks?

You wanna go up in my balloon?

I like her hairdo.

Me, too, but Steve called her first.

I'm sorry I made you cry the other day.

Oh. That's OK.

It's not completely your fault, anyway.

I'm going through some personal problems.

Really? What do you got?

Well, I'm... five months pregnant.

My editor's the father.

He's married, but...not to me.

Wow. That's a rough ticket.

You know, my first wife left me when I was your age.

What's Deep Search?

My submarine.

I had this exact image of you tacked up on the wall

above my aquarium all through primary school.

Oh, yeah? You mean, the official photograph, where I'm doing this?

That's the one.

Mm-hmm.

Well, maybe it's just me,

but I don't feel like that person.

I never did.

MUSIC ON RADIO: "Here's To You" by Joan Baez

Why did you abandon Ned?

I didn't. I never even met him.

What kind of piece are you writing, cubby?

Are you gonna screw us on this deal?

I hope not.

SHE SPITS

You really think it's cool to hit the sauce

when you got a bun in the oven?

Pele, bring us back down, please.

GAS BLOWS

I don't have a problem with objective reporting.

What I have a problem with

is some wombat coming on my boat,

trying to railroad me, you know?

Why don't you see if you can get one of these dolphins

to swim under the hull and give us a look.

BEEPING

No. Either they can't hear us, or they don't understand.

Son of a bitch. I'm sick of these dolphins.

Quiet out there tonight.

Can you hear the Jack whales singing?

FOGHORN SOUNDS

Beautiful. I wonder what they're saying.

Well, that was the sludge tanker over there, but...

STRANGE ECHO

There you go. That's them.

By the way, would you mind if I made a few modifications

to the Team Zissou insignia?

I have some ideas. You mean the patch?

Yes. The insignia.

Yeah. It's probably kind of dated, isn't it?

Sure. Take a crack at it. Make it a little trendier.

All right.

Are you finding what you were looking for

out here with me?

I hope so.

I wrote you a letter about 17 years ago.

You mean like a fan letter?

Did I write you back?

I try to answer as many personally as I can.

"Dear Ned Plimpton,

"first, in answer to your question, always.

"Second, thank you very much for naming your bug after me.

"My wife tells me it is actually a type of gnat.

"You strike me as a very special boy

"and a key member of the Zissou Society.

"I wish I could come visit you in Kentucky

"and assist you with your work.

"I remember your mother.

"Take care of yourself, Ned Plimpton.

"You've served well.

"Your friend, Captain Steve Zissou.

"Dictated, but not read."

Yeah, more or less standard boilerplate, I guess.

There's some real high-tech gear inside this deal, believe me.

First we go downstairs and turn on that tracking system,

then, as long as the batteries on that homing dart haven't gone dead...

Who locked us out? ANNE-MARIE: No-one. We're trespassing.

Steve, are we allowed in here?

It's a scientific community, man.

Captain, I am required by law

to notify the bank of any illegal activities.

Just do what you gotta do to cover your ass, Bill.

Got it.

ALARM WAILS Fuck! They wired it.

Klaus, go down and get me some cable snippers.

OVER PA: This is Captain Hennessey.

You have trespassed on a private facility.

The coast guard is being alerted via satellite.

Again, this is Captain Hennessey.

Immediately leave the prem...

BEEPING

OK, action.

Well, look who's back in town.

You travelled over 150 miles since we last heard from you.

This son of a bitch is heading for the South Pacific.

DOOR OPENS

Turn on your tape recorder, Cubby.

Is it the jaguar shark? On the record, yes.

Cut.

Print both takes, Vikram.

Was I just in the film? Yeah.

You're gonna have to sign a release.

But you've actually located the shark.

You better bet your fucking ass we did.

All right, everybody, we got about 25 to 30 minutes

before the coast guard gets here to arrest us.

I want you all to get Hennessey's best gear

onto The Belafonte in 15.

You're gonna steal his stuff?

No, we'll get it back to him.

Interns, let's see some hustle.

Uh, what is this, Pele?

I don't know. Uh, it's a map.

Steve?! Uh-huh?

Do you know that you just charted us

on a course through unprotected waters?

Yeah, we're taking the shortcut.

But it's outside IMU jurisdiction.

There isn't any protection... I know, honey. Look at the map.

We go your way, that's about...four inches.

We go my way, it's an inch and a half.

You wanna pay for the extra gas?

What kind of system is this?

You have the Bernstein 9. Just upgraded last summer.

The 9s are out already?

-Does this do cappuccino?

-Ja.

Wait a second. Steve, this isn't the procedure.

CLANGING

Steve, one of the interns just fell down the stairs

with the main tracking processor.

All right, just make sure we steal the backup.

Are you listening to me? Eleanor told me that under no circumstances...

Shut up before you jinx us, Anne-Marie.

You catching anything?

Mnh-mnh.

Hook this up and make me a latte.

You know, Cubby's kind of a sucker-maker,

but she's got some moves.

I agree.

If she wasn't a bull dyke,

I think I might have a bit of a thing for her.

As you can see,

if the creature continues its current migratory route,

our paths should converge in less than four days.

I wanna get there in three. Ogata...

Vladimir, what's this blip right over here?

I don't know. I've been trying to figure that out.

We might have them both mixed up, or it could be the other way around.

But anyway, we're gonna be right on top of it

first thing in the morning. Hmm.

Good eye, Ned.

Thank you. Should we investigate it?

Yeah. Let's make a quick dive at 6am,

and we'll scope out the phantom signal.

It's probably just one of Hennessey's research turtles.

I wanna be back on the road by lunch.

Do me a favour.

Next time you get a hot idea in front of the reporter,

whisper it in my ear first.

Otherwise, I look like kind of a daydream Johnny, you know?

Daydream Johnny, yes.

JANE: You let him change your name?

Well, we changed it together. What was it before?

Edward Plimpton. That's a million times better.

Change it back, Ned. I really don't see you as a Kingsley Zissou.

Do you think Steve and I have a family resemblance?

No.

I guess it doesn't really matter, anyway.

Here.

I stole it back...

and strung it on some peppermint dental floss

in case you want to wear it like a necklace.

SHE GASPS

Happy with the piece, Jane?

What are you doing in here? Am I? No.

Put that down.

I assume I'm Mr Z.

I'm sorry that you think my red hat is, er...

what's the word you use? "..contrived."

And that...

"the Zissou of my childhood

"represents all the dreams I've come to regret."

What? Why?

I'm going to have to start locking my effing door.

It was locked. I kicked it in.

Why don't you just curse, like other people?

Because I'm trying to get out of the habit before I have my fucking baby.

OK. That makes sense.

Well, please clean up your room, anyway.

It looks like a goddamn typhoon hit it. Oh, get out.

Please don't make fun of me. I just wanted to flirt with you.

I'll have an intern come and fix the door.

This is a message from the IMU coast guard.

Apparently some crooked fuckers broke into my sea-lab yesterday.

How awful. Did they nick anything?

Uh, it doesn't say. They probably just trashed the place.

I'm so...pissed, I wanna spit.

Hugo... HE SPITS

..tell Carl to load my elephant gun

with buckshot.

We're gonna hunt down these sickos.

Supposedly, Cousteau and his cronies

invented the idea of putting walkie-talkies into the helmet,

but we made ours with a special rabbit ear on the top

so we could pipe in some music.

SYNTH MUSIC PLAYS

Let's start with the reverse.

OK, roll it, Vikram.

Would it be possible for me to address you as "Dad" in this scene?

No. Why?

Oh, excuse me. I'm sorry. I forgot. I'm sorry.

Where you coming from, jack-off? Shit.

It's not a bad impulse, though,

some kind of nickname.

Not that one. It's too specific.

But try to think of something else.

Another name?

How about "Stevesie"?

That's good. Try it.

What were you gonna say before?

Good luck, Stevesie.

Fantastic. Let's go.

OK, action.

Look, Ned,

there's a sunken airplane down there.

Let's check it out.

We examine the crash site,

but are careful not to disturb the forensic evidence.

How was that? Not bad.

The first take was a little faster.

KLAUS: Is it loose?

MUTTERS: Klaus.

Klaus? Ja.

May I have a word with you, please?

What?

Why'd you do that? Because I owed you one.

But you gave me a warning already.

You stood up for yourself.

I still owed you one.

Now I owe you one. No. Now we're even.

Why are you doing this? He's not my father, you know.

I don't have that.

What are you talking about?

We're even, damn it. That's it!

No, it was like a beat-up little jalopy.

I don't know what you'd call it. You didn't see it?

I didn't see it, boss.

Well, keep your eyes peeled.

Klaus, check who's on watch. I'll be in the sauna.

Pele and...

Who the shit is Kingsley Zissou?

Is that him?

Mm-hmm. That's him.

I've never felt a baby in someone's stomach before.

I think you'll make a very good single mother.

Thanks.

Although it does put you both at a tremendous disadvantage.

You know...

Steve's got a little bit of a thing for you.

Why do you say that?

Because he told me.

Really? I thought he hated my guts.

Well, I think you hurt his feelings, but that doesn't mean...

He says I hurt his feelings?

So...effed up.

HE SINGS "SPACE ODDITY" IN PORTUGUESE

Five...

four...

three...

two...

THUD

HEAVY FOOTSTEPS

SHOUTING

GLASS SHATTERS

THUD

SHOUTING IN FILIPINO

KNOCK ON DOOR

WARILY: Yeah?

KLAUS: Steve, would you please open the door?

KNOCK ON DOOR

Mm-hmm?

STEVE: Jane, is, er, Ned in there?

SHOUTING IN FILIPINO

Stevesie?

Stevesie, what's happening?

Are those hijackers?!

Well, we call them "pirates" out here, Ned.

You were supposed to be on watch, by the way.

Oh, my God, you're right.

Stevesie, look...

SHOUTING

Whoa! No!

So, tell me, you were reading to each other in French?

No, it's in English. It was translated.

Well, you're not supposed to go into each other's cabins on a boat.

Why not?

It's just kind of an unwritten maritime rule when you're at sea.

Especially the goddamn lookout.

I'm so sorry.

So am I.

You hung us out to dry.

We don't handle this right, we're gonna all get murdered,

including her unborn British child.

Aah! Aah!

I'm gonna kill you for that, asshole!

I'm gonna hit you so fucking hard, you'll be blind!

Please don't hurt him!

Watch me. I'll let you know when I'm gonna make a move.

Steve, it's way safer for us to do what they say.

They probably just want our money and jewels and shit.

Yeah, then how I'm gonna finish my movie, then?

Jesus. Holy fuck.

They're gonna kill us, Steve.

I'm patting you on the back right now, Klausy.

Don't be scared. I'm gonna get us through this, everybody.

SPEAKS IN SPANISH

Wake up, Ned-o! I'm sorry I yelled at you.

I need to speak with the man in charge, fellas.

SPEAKS IN FILIPINO

Don't point that gun at him. He's an unpaid intern.

Vikram, what kind of coverage you get?

I just kept it rolling till they put this hood over my head.

SPEAKS IN FILIPINO

Bill speaks their language. What are they saying, Billy?

Hold on.

THEY SPEAK IN FILIPINO

OK. Apparently, they're taking a hostage. Obviously they've chosen Ned.

THEY SPEAK IN FILIPINO

Now they've found out I speak Filipino,

they seem to be changing their minds.

THEY SPEAK IN FILIPINO

Do you have a vault? They wanna know if there's a vault. There's no vault.

Our vault contains at least ten different currencies

from all over the world at any given moment,

and we are prepared for every kind of financial necessity.

There goes Ned's inheritance.

Tell them if they don't get off my boat right now,

there's gonna be a major shit storm.

SPEAKS IN FILIPINO

Ohh.

Ned-o, can you hear me?! We'll get you back, Billy.

Is everybody else safe? Anne-Marie, are you OK, honey?

No, I'm not. I told you these were unprotected waters.

What a fucking nightmare.

Be cool on this shit, OK, Cubby?

I mean, at least try to show both sides.

I need to find a baby for this father.

Yeah, I think I know what you mean.

MURMURING

WHISPERING

ROPES SNAP LOOSE Here we go.

Steve, what are you...?

I said get your ass the hell off my boat!

MUSIC: "Search And Destroy" by Iggy Pop And The Stooges

Agh!

I've never seen a bond company stooge stick his neck out like that.

STRANGE ECHOING

What's that sound? Is that...?

The Arctic night lights, yeah.

"As if the natural world's been turned upside down."

Lord Mandrake.

CHUCKLING

Vikram, get some cutaways of this miracle.

Klaus, Ogata, put out the deck fires before we sink.

WHIMPERING

Those fucking amateurs.

You left your dog, you idiots.

BARKING

Wrap this stiff in a tablecloth.

We're gonna bury him at sea.

Shouldn't we give him to the authorities or something?

No.

I'll write up a few words to read over him.

How you holding up there, intern? Doing OK?

Ned, how many fingers am I holding up?

I don't know. That's not my job.

Too many to tell. How many...?

He's gonna be just fine.

I believe it's criminal that Steve allowed this to happen to us,

by which I mean illegal.

We're being led on an illegal suicide mission by a selfish maniac.

I hear what you're saying, but I think you misjudge the guy.

Saint Paul said to the Corinthians,

"Without kin, no man may regard himself kindly.

"Without s..."

Holy shit! Son of a bitch. Cut.

HORN BLOWS

This is Captain Hennessey.

We've come in response to your distress signal.

Remain calm...

Good God, is that you, Steven?

Ogata, run downstairs, put a tarp over anything

that says "Operation Hennessey" on it.

What about this guy?

Just throw him over the other side.

Your engine blew up and all your fuel's been stolen, is that correct?

Uh-huh. I certainly know how you feel.

Some crooked fuckers just stripped my sea-lab.

Probably the same dudes.

I can tow you as far as Port-au-Patois.

I'll need your signature on that invoice first.

It accounts for the expenses of the rescue operation,

as well as my time and that of my crew.

This is more than the budget of my whole project.

It's an estimate. What's your dog's name?

Cody.

DOG WHIMPERS

Be still, Cody.

I have to run this by my bond company stooge.

He's been kidnapped. It's true.

I have to rescue him first.

Sign it now, or I'm leaving you out here.

Oh, I dined with Eleanor last weekend.

By the way, she's summering at my villa in west Port-au-Patois.

Say, how's Team Zissou holding up without her?

The first thing that goes through a captain's head

when he hears there's low morale going around

is, "What'd I do? Is it all my fault?"

Well, he's probably right.

Most of us have been together a long time.

There are others that were here before that.

Do you all... not like me anymore?

I mean, what am I supposed to do? I don't know.

Look, if you're not against me, don't cross this line.

If yes, do.

I love you all.

Are you sure?

Yes, I am.

I don't understand. Why? What do you mean?

Wait a second. What are we doing?

You said cross the line if...

Cross the line if you're going to quit.

Oh. Do it again. I misunderstood.

Hi, Ross. I got your corrections on the proofs.

They're fine, but...

I'm not coming back.

It's over. Please don't try to contact me, OK?

You'll hear from us, sometime.

We got attacked by pirates.

I feel as if life has...

Well, you get the idea. Anyway, take care of yourself.

Will you write to me?

Of course. Give me the address.

Actually, I went ahead and stamped and self-addressed 50 or so envelopes

just to make it easier for you.

Thanks. I'll use them.

Each one has three blank pages in it, and...

there's a pen.

Maybe I'm going to write you a letter right now.

OK.

I'm gonna really miss you, Ned.

I'm gonna miss you, too.

In fact, I feel I... I don't know,

I feel like my heart's almost getting broken.

I guess I'm overreacting.

Is that really true?

Yes, it is.

That was all off the record, Cubby, that whole deal.

Actually, I'm surprised you didn't cross the line yourself.

What line?

The line I drew on the deck just now. You weren't up there?

No.

You're kidding.

That was one of the most dramatic things that's ever happened on this boat.

I just lost all my best interns.

I thought you were supposed to be covering this story.

You just said it was all off the record.

Yeah, but you didn't know that. I was down here packing.

I'm at the wrong breaker.

So you are leaving.

You're jumping ship on me.

I'm going to scrap the article.

You mean you're not even gonna write the cover story on me?

Man, I just don't have any stature anymore.

Sorry, Steve. Everything just got too weird, that's all.

But I gave you a goddamn show-stopper up there.

Are you sleeping with Ned?

That's none of your business.

OK. Are you?

No, I'm not.

You're gonna miss the jaguar shark,

or whatever it is, if it actually exists.

SOBBING Are you crying?

You cry easily, don't you?

OSEARY: Bloody hell, God save that poor little stooge.

This never would've happened if Eleanor was with us.

Thanks, man.

Your luck had better damn well change soon, mate.

Now, I must away. I'll send you a postcard from my travels.

What? Where are you going?

Abroad for a spell, my darling.

It's my passport status, you see.

I'm X9 at the moment. Legally, I'm a fugitive.

Wait a second. They stole my budget, my boat's broken,

you're ditching me up the creek.

What am I supposed to do here?

Well, I must say, nothing's jumping to mind.

Phillip, any suggestions?

No, he's shaking his head.

Land ho!

Port-au-Patois, dead ahead.

Port-au-Patois. Port-au-Patois ho!

Ho!

Ho!

Land ho!

Ho!

No, I can't give you full credit,

but I'm not gonna flunk you, either.

You're all getting "incompletes".

This is bullshit.

FLAMENCO MUSIC PLAYS

Oh, shit. What do you want?

Do you mind if I butter you up a little bit before I answer that question?

Yes, I do. Tell me now.

I need some money to get the boat out of hock

and rescue my bond company stooge who got kidnapped.

Could we ask your parents to loan it to me?

No.

OK.

Could I go ahead and butter you up, anyway?

It took me two and a half hours to get out here.

Who's that dude?

It's my research assistant Javier.

Javier, presento Steve.

Hi, Steve.

RECORD STOPS PLAYING

Necesito cinco minutos, por favour.

You know, I'd be jealous about you staying at Ali's place,

except I always thought he was kind of a closet queer.

So how's your father-son relationship coming along?

Well, nobody has a real lock on any of this,

so I don't know how it all times out.

I know I want him to think of me like a father.

But the fact that there's an outside chance

that he could really be my actual...biological son...

..is very difficult for me.

You know I'm not big on apologizing,

so I'll just skip it, if it's all the same to you.

OK.

Anyway, I'm sorry.

I know I haven't been at my best this past decade.

That's true.

What happened to me?

Did I lose my talent?

Am I ever gonna be good again?

I don't know.

Doesn't matter, anyway.

It's probably the last adventure I've got in me.

I was hoping to go out in a flash of blazes,

but I'll probably just end up going home.

Unless you're planning to sell the island.

I wonder how much I could get for it.

In this market?

You were probably right all along. We should've had a kid together.

Of course, you were kinda already...

on the edge of being too old.

Unless maybe that's a copout.

It's worse than a copout. I was 34.

It's good to see you, Eleanor.

I'm about to blow my stack.

I turn my back, and the bullshit begins.

Ned, you're a scumbag.

And, Jane, you're a goddamn liar.

What the fuck are you doing in here?

What the eff are YOU doing in here?

I warned you about being in other people's cabins.

You were supposed to go home.

Well, you convinced me to stay and finish the story.

Is it still the cover?

I don't fucking know.

Don't you dare put on that uniform.

It's all I have with me.

I told you I have a bit of a thing for her.

"Not this one," I said.

You said, "Not this one, Klaus."

So you heard me?

You're too old for me, Steve.

Well, you're pregnant.

Can I have a word with you privately?

Yes.

Follow me.

Are you two fighting?

I'll deal with you later.

Look, Steve, I know we both like her

and you're angry and embarrassed, but leave her out of it.

You think that's what this is about?

Shit, Ned, what has that bull dyke been telling you?

All right, I'm gonna warn you now, be a gentleman.

What are you doing here? I thought all you interns ran out on me.

I wanna help you find that shark.

Goddamn it. Thank you, intern. You're gettin' an "A".

His name's Niko. Who?

Hello, Vikram.

Gimme that camera. Gonna smash it over your head.

Cut!

I misread you, man.

I'm gonna have to rethink some shit.

You don't know me. You never wanted to know me.

I'm just a character in your film.

It's a documentary. It's all really happening.

Well, damn you for that.

Go to bed, you sons of bitches.

That pregnant slut's been playing us like a cheap fiddle.

That's it. I'm gonna fight you, Steve.

You never say, "I'm gonna fight you, Steve."

You just smile and act natural, and then you sucker-punch him.

You fight your way, and I'll fight mine.

Oh, listen, Ned, don't you try...

I think your Team Zissou ring might've caught me on the lip.

You call yourself my son, but...

I just don't see it.

It's nothing personal.

What do you want?

Nothing.

That's so arrogant. That's... Screw off.

I can't believe I asked if I could call you "Dad".