Three Men and a Little Lady

# Every time that you go by

# Boy, you smile at me and you take my breath away

# Every time I catch your eye

# I can see that you got a whole lot more to say

# So don't be shy, cos I'm waiting here

# Hoping you'll open your heart

# The more I wait, the more I find

# I can't get you off my mind

# Whatever the season, whatever I'm going through

# I'm always thinking of you

# Cos you are the reason for all that I say and do

# You've got to believe that it's true

# Hey, baby

# In big ways and small ways

# I'm always thinking of you

# How you do it, I don't know

# But I keep having dreams and you're all I'm dreaming of

# Every day my feelings grow

# I keep thinking, baby

# That maybe this is love

# I was alone, but now that you're here

# I'm finally feeling alive

# The more I feel, the more I find

# I can't get you off my mind

# Whatever the season

# Whatever I'm going through

# I'm always thinking of you

# Cos you are the reason

# For all that I say and do

# You've got to believe that it's true

# Hey, baby

# In big ways

# And small ways, I'm always thinking of you

# From the time I wake up

# Till I fall into bed

# I've got pictures of you

# Runnin' straight through my head

# I think it's clear as A B C

# That's the way love's supposed to be

# The more I feel, the more I find

# I can't get you off my mind

# Whatever the season

# Whatever I'm going through

# I'm always thinking of you

# Cos you are the reason for all that I say and do

# You've got to believe that it's true

# Hey, baby. #

-SYLVIA:

-Mary, honey, come have your breakfast! >

(MAN DOES VOICE EXERCISES)

Oh, look at you. Just the person I've been waiting for.

-Morning, buttercup.

-Good morning, Jack.

-Will you help me pick a tie

for today's interview? How's this one grab you? No?

Too traditional. Absolutely right.

How about this one?

Too avant-garde, I knew that.

How about... No, I hate that one.

-How about this one?

-I like that one.

Yeah, then this is the one.

What would I do without you?

Did you see my red shoe?

Your red shoe... No, I don't think I have.

But wait a minute, if I was a red shoe, where would I hide?

I know, right under here... Ha ha!

No. Here? No.

What about back here? No... Whooo!

Mary, honey, your breakfast is ready!

MARY HUMS

Are you going to the inter...?

The interview? Of course I am.

I'll to meet your teachers, tell them what a great kid you are and that they have to take you.

-What should I wear?

-Let's pick something out.

Oh, thanks, I needed that.

Mary! Go eat your breakfast, hurry up.

Did you get the review I put on your desk?

-Yes, thank you.

-I love seeing that guy crow after what he said about you in Doll's House.

Peter, don't you take my reviews too personally?

-No, I don't think so.

-Every time we are in a restaurant

and see a critic, you want to throw your butter knife at him.

I'd have got the last guy if he hadn't moved.

Oh... You missed a spot.

-Hello, lovely ladies.

-Here is your breakfast, Michael.

-Thanks.

-Toast is done.

-Damn!

Jerry, I know what I'm talking about.

I realise you're trying to save money but we are building an office for 12,000 people.

You can't put a bathroom on every other floor.

Well, what if they don't go before they come to work?

Fine, OK.

I'll hold. Morning, everyone.

-Morning!

-Can you believe how people try to save money?

-Is that Jerry again?

-Yeah, the Albert Schweitzer of real-estate(!)

Oh, no! Oh, no, look!

My foot must have grown last night.

That's my shoe, silly.

Thank God. Thought it was me.

Mary, don't you like your oatmeal?

-It tastes like rubber.

-It's supposed to.

-What a crock!

-Hey, where did you hear that expression?

What a crock!

What, what do I do?

-Finish getting dressed, honey, I'll fix you something else.

-So scoot!

-Oh, did I say overnight, I meant over light.

-You don't like my eggs?

You kidding me, I love your eggs.

Best part about you, I've always loved your eggs.

They're perfect, just like you are. Look, hey, you did your hair.

Oh, someone noticed.

Are we ready for the interview?

Absolutely, yes, we are ready. What about your commercial shoot?

-That's all right, they gave me an hour off.

-Jack, this is the school we want Mary to go to.

I've been here the five years it took to decide on this place, remember?

Less research went into the Seoul Treaty.

"Your choice of primary school is the first watershed of a child's life."

-Have I said that before?

-Not in the last five minutes.

Hey, I'll be there.

Just don't be late.

Have I ever let you down before?

Now, Mary, while we are talking with the ladies,

-you'll be in a class with some of the other boys and girls.

-OK.

Relax.

This isn't going to hurt.

I think we'd better start, I think it's getting late.

Yes, it is.

So, you are the architect.

-That's right.

-And you are the cartoonist.

Actually, I'm a satirist.

Michael draws Johnny Cool.

Oh, that cute kitten.

He's really not a kitten, he's a cat who symbolises the angst of the single man in our times.

I just adore that little hat he wears.

-And Mr Holden is...

-The actor.

But very stable, salt of the earth.

-Not one of these fellas that's...

-Michael, I think they know actors are normal people.

-Good afternoon!

-Oh, my God!

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to frighten you.

Forgive the make-up, I'm in the middle of a commercial shoot for margarine. I play Count Cholesterol.

You've probably seen me on TV, huh?

How do you do?

How do you do?

I had a hell of a time catching a cab.

What? Oh.

Thank you.

Ooh! Look - Mary's drawn a picture of her family. Isn't that wonderful?

That's wonderful, Mary. Is that you?

-Is that you? Yeah. Is that your mommy?

-Yes.

And who's that?

That's my biological daddy.

Oh. Who's that?

That is my one honorary daddy and that's my other honorary daddy.

We all live together.

OK.

BELL RINGS

Everybody put the tops on your markers and take your drawings up to the front.

You've got three daddies? That's weird.

-How come?

-Julie has two daddies, but not at the same time.

-Why not?

-Because you can't have more than one father at a time living with you...

That's the law.

What's the role of other women in the home? None whatsoever.

Can't say I remember seeing any in the house. You, Michael?

Strictly professional, down the line.

-Oh, then you're gay?

-What?

-Gay?

-Is she kidding me?

Are we gay? Pete, how many women you been out with this month?

This month? Hard to say. I'd need a calculator to count the number of...

We have a rule that there are no overnight guests while Mary is in the house.

Well, you realise this is a most unique family environment.

As a school psychologist, I must say here, and they have told

the committee in no uncertain terms, that I was most impressed by Mary.

I found her to be a thoroughly delightful and happy child.

-Yes, she is.

-Thank you.

Having said that, however, I must warn you that she's coming to an age

when differences, even slight ones, can threaten her sense of fitting in.

The littlest things.

A parent's accent, how they dress, what they look like.

And while we think of ourselves as progressive here at the Morgan School, I'd be less than candid

if I said that three men without any legal responsibility didn't concern me a great deal.

We have responsibilities.

I know what you're trying to say, Mrs Hurd, and I feel I should be the one to respond to that.

I know some of the children in this school and I know their parents.

Family life is not easy.

But of all the fathers, stepfathers, the half-fathers that I've known,

no three men support and love a child like these men love Mary.

There is nothing they wouldn't do for her.

I can only hope that when it comes to fathers the children in this school are lucky as Mary is.

Ha! Ha!

Yeah, you're in. Congratulations!

Look at you.

What's the matter?

Stuff.

What kind of stuff?

I dunno, I feel different.

Says who?

-People.

-Oh.

-Well, who cares what people think? People think I'm different.

-You are.

Yeah, well...

See, that's good.

Listen, let me tell you something here.

It's OK to be different.

You don't have to be like everybody else.

OK?

-OK.

-OK.

Now, unfortunately your daddy has to go off and be famous. But you...

But you, you are mine forever!

Ha ha ha! Booyah!

Anything you want, money's no object.

-The hamburgers look great.

-What can I get for you?

Do you have a penis?

Can we hear your specials, please?

This table is a little wobbly here.

Give us a minute, please.

Mary, that's a very adult word, where did you hear it?

Jenny said her father and brother have a penis. What is it?

Peter, you're the architect, why don't you explain it to her?

The penis is the urinary and the copulatory organ of the male mammal. It's composed primarily...

-Thank you.

-What?!

-Did you memorise that?

I bet he says that to all the girls.

Mary and I are going to wash our hands.

I can't believe she said that.

-I didn't know about sex till I was in college.

-I'm stunned!

-I was exaggerating, Pete.

-I'm talking about Mary, Michael.

She's not a baby any more. Don't you see, that one word

was like a trumpet announcing her adulthood in deafening volume. First comes penis...

-Pete!

-Then...

-Louder, I don't think the chef heard.

It's like the psychologist said, she is susceptible to the outside world now.

-Boys, sex.

-You're over-reacting.

I'm over-reacting? Yeah, what's a genital here and there?

Be quiet, they're coming.

Hee hee! Stop, Peter, stop!

I can't, I can't, my lips are stuck.

I can't get them unstuck - I'll never get off!

-Hey, what are you doing?

-His lips are stuck to my stomach.

Oh, woah, boy that was a close one!

-Good night, I gotta go.

-Good night.

You two are crazy!

-It's time for you to go to bed, little lady. Have sweet dreams.

-OK.

Hi, Stan. How you doing?

-Hello, gorgeous.

-Hello, darling.

Look what Mary made for you.

What a talent.

-Look, love, I need to talk to you.

-Oh, what?

I did something wrong last night, didn't I?

-I knew it, I missed a cue at the end of the first act.

-Sylvia, relax.

You were your brilliant self.

-I have been asked to direct Midsummer Night's Dream at the National in the autumn.

-Really?

Oh, congratulations!

And I want you to play Helena.

-Me?

-Yes, you, you'll be sensational. Will you do it?

Oh, I'd love to do it.

-But...?

-Mary's starting school here.

Take her with you. We do have schools in England, remember?

But her family is here.

Your roommates, you mean?

They are more than roommates.

-Oh, I realise that.

-It's a wonderful offer,

but it's a crucial time for Mary.

It's not because of our relationship, is it?

No, not at all.

Because my asking you is purely professional.

You know that I never let my emotions interfere with my professional decisions.

Except of course when I'm horny.

THEY LAUGH

Look, I won't pretend that I don't adore you...

Or that I wouldn't give anything if you'd finally agreed to marry me.

I know, but I have to consider Mary's needs.

And what about your needs?

I'll think about it.

DOOR CLOSES

-What does this button do?

-Don't touch that.

That's the delete button.

How do I get it to move?

-Try it.

-I did it!

Good, you see. That was easy, wasn't it?

What about Mary's new shoes?

Got them yesterday.

Mary has a dentist appointment Friday morning.

I've got my cooking class.

-Jack, can you cover it?

-consider it done.

Does it say you're to come to the airport to pick up my mother?

Your mom? Damn, I have that kidney operation this afternoon.

-What about you, Pete?

-Michael, I'll give you 1,000 if you do it.

I would if I could, but I can't.

I've got a meeting with my, um...

-..publisher.

-I thought you had a date with Laurie tonight.

-No, that's tomorrow night.

You know something,

-I like Laurie.

-So do I.

-It's been a while, huh, Michael?

-She's been in LA.

-How's it going?

-That's what we're going to talk about tonight.

Oh, time to fish or cut bait, huh?

That's really romantic. "Time to fish or cut bait."

You'd be surprised how practical women are about these things.

No matter what they say, a woman wants to be swept off her feet.

Like how I swept you off your feet.

Knocked me off my feet is more like it.

I think women want security.

You know I want?

I want a man who will make a fool of himself over me.

Well, I'd make a fool of myself over you any day, honey.

Anyway, Michael, you're not breaking up with Laurie, are you?

No, we just need to shake our relationship up a bit.

Nothing shakes up a relationship like marriage.

Who said anything about marriage?

Hey, I don't know if I like this attitude around Mary.

-How come none of you are married? ALL:

-Oh...Umm...

-I'd like to get back to the penis question.

-We never covered it.

Come along, before you are permanently warped.

'Announcing the arrival of flight 103 from London.'

-Thank you for coming with me, I can always count on you.

-Sure.

Darling!

Mother! It's wonderful to see you.

Welcome, Mrs Bennington.

-Michael.

-Peter.

-Oh, yes.

Jack wanted to come, but he was busy.

Spreading his seed, no doubt.

How is Mary?

You won't believe how she's grown.

Really?

What? No furniture.

-Oh, thank you, Michael.

-Peter.

Oh, look. It's the biological one.

Mom.

Why, when you say it, does it sound frightening?

Great to see you. You're looking... so close.

Gosh, I hope you can stay for a while.

Mother's staying at The Plaza.

-I'm leaving the day after tomorrow.

-Gee, so soon?

Come along. I've made your favourite biscuits.

Oh...

-Good shot, Mom.

-Don't you think you can stay longer?

I tried to change her mind.

Did someone leave a window open?

In you get, darling. Lie down.

That's it. Lovely.

Tomorrow, we can do anything you want.

Can we toss a Frisbee?

We'll discuss that in the morning.

Would you like me to sing you a lullaby?

I want a rap song.

Oh.

ALL: Kick it! Tss, tss, tss, tss, tss, huh! THEY BEATBOX

-HE RAPS:

-# Introducing Mike, Peter and Jack

# We're your rhymin' three dads doing the Mary rap

# You're just a little lady and you need your sleep

# Don't wanta hear no jive about something to eat

# Break it down!

# Lights out, here we go

# Partying, lady-killing, dancing till dawn

# Till your food-spittin', toilet-trainin' changed our song

# We're bachelors, fathers-in-waiting

# We'd rather hang with you than the one he's been dating

# Say, Mary!

-# Did you wash your face?

-# Yo!

# Say, Mary, did you brush your teeth? Yo!

-# Mike be nimble

-# Peter be quick

# Jack bust a rhyme and make it slick

# To little lady Mary, we say please

# Just close your eyes and cop some Zs

# Ooga-ooga-ooga

# Just close them eyes and cop some Zs

# Wink-a-wink-a-wink

# Just close them eyes and cop some Zs

# Ooga-ooga-ooga

# Just close them eyes and cop some Zs... #

I need a drink.

Have you seen Jack?

I think he went out with Cassie.

Damn.

He promised he'd rehearse this scene. I've got to do it in class.

He probably forgot.

Yeah.

Sylvia, wait a minute.

I'll do it with you.

-You?

-Yeah. Sure, why not?

I rehearsed a couple of times with Jack. I was a terrific Lady Macbeth.

What's the play?

Rainmaker.

Well, where do you want me?

-All right. Stand here.

-OK.

-You're sure?

-Yeah, this is great.

-Then here.

-All right.

Ah, I'm Starbuck?

Unless you want to play Lizzie.

Starbuck will be fine.

Peter, you should know,

Starbuck is a very dynamic, passionate, very charismatic man.

Right.

-You ready?

-Ready.

-OK.

"Let me ask you, Lizzie, are you pretty?"

What's the matter?

Nothing, nothing.

-Just be natural. You're being a little too large.

-OK.

Natural. I can do that.

Natural.

"Let me ask you, Lizzie, are you pretty?"

"No, I'm plain."

"You don't know you're a woman?"

"I am a woman! A plain one."

-"Every woman is pretty."

-"Not me."

"Close your eyes, Lizzie."

"Close 'em."

"Now say, 'I'm pretty.'"

-"I can't."

-"Say it!"

-"Say it, Lizzie."

-"I'm pretty!"

What'd you do that for?

It's...it's in the script.

Well, no.

Actually, it says, "He kisses her."

Right.

Do you want to try it again?

OK.

-You ready?

-Ready.

"Close your eyes."

"Say, 'I'm pretty.' "

-"I can't."

-"Say it, Lizzie."

"I am pretty."

Um...

Jack should be doing this.

He's the actor. I was terrible.

You were doing so well!

I was totally unbelievable.

I thought you were very believable.

LAURIE: Oh, my God.

THEY SIGH

I thought this was against the rules.

No-one's home.

Except Mary.

And she's sound asleep.

-Look, Laurie, I've been thinking about us.

-Have you?

I think that it's time for us to, er...

To fish or cut bait.

All my life, I've dreamt of a man saying that to me(!)

I'm sorry. I don't know where that came from.

LAURIE GIGGLES

MARY SCREAMS

There's snakes in my bed!

Ah, Mary! What you you doing?

-You remember my friend, Laurie.

-Hi. It's nice to see you again.

We were just making... Uh, uh...

What were you saying? Snakes! Snakes, a-ha!

There are no snakes in your bed.

Maybe they were rats.

-No rats, either. I'll be back.

-Bye.

-You're looking very tired.

-I'm not tired.

-Well, you're looking sleepy.

-I'm not sleepy.

-Well, you need a rest!

-Is everything all right?

-Why do you ask?

You seem tense.

I don't know.

Sometimes, I feel like my life is one long improvisation.

I don't have time to think, plan or take it in.

Things are thrown at me and I react.

I keep asking myself, "Am I a good mother?

"Am I doing the right things for Mary?"

Every mother asks herself that.

-Did you?

-Constantly.

-Really?

You're a wonderful mother.

All you need now is a husband.

Romance is the last thing on my mind right now.

I'm not talking about romance, darling.

I'm talking about marriage.

What's happening between you and Edward?

He proposed to me.

And?

Edward is a wonderful man.

In some ways, I love him very much.

But something keeps me from saying yes.

Would that something happen to be a tall architect?

What do you mean?

I hate to be the one to tell you, but you're wasting your time with that one.

Why do you say that?

Some men are never comfortable with their feelings. They can't open up.

He does with Mary. He's wonderful with her.

That's different.

If you think you can get him to open up to you, then, by all means, marry him.

But you'll find you've wasted precious time waiting for nothing.

-Mary, I told you to turn off the TV and go to sleep.

-No!

We leave her with you for a couple of hours and she's crazy.

Don't blame me! She's going through some weird phase.

It's no different than before.

It's a lot different! Things have got to change!

-I heard you. Give me that remote control and go to sleep!

-No!

It's not healthy for a guy to get that excited and have to stop!

She wouldn't stop bothering us all night.

-Give me that.

-Laurie finally left.

-That's it! I'm pulling the plug.

-I'll probably never see her again. I've got a life, too, you know!

-Ow!

Pete, are you listening to me?

-No, I'm electrocuting myself!

-What is going on?!

What are you doing up at this late hour, young lady?

Excuse us.

What started all this?

I think we're getting into some uncharted territory.

FAINT VOICES

-Is that mine or yours?

-It's me.

I'll take that one.

-How's Mary?

-Asleep, for now.

What's the matter with her?

We're getting a taste of tough things ahead. Like school.

-Adolescence!

-Puberty.

Puberty was my favourite stage.

-I'm serious, Jack.

-So am I! That's one thing I was good at!

How long do you think we're going to be able to do this?

Do what, honey?

Live like this. Me, you, Mary.

It's worked so far, hasn't it?

Because it was necessary at first.

-And now you're such a big star, you don't need us.

-That's not fair, Jack.

I just don't think we're meeting Mary's or my or your needs.

What needs are you talking about?

Passion, marriage...

children, sex!

You took the words right out of my mouth!

I'll talk to Mary about sex if you want.

Not sex for Mary, sex for me.

Uh-oh. Time to dust off the old penis speech.

I never have it with me when I need it.

I'm serious! I want to get married.

I want to have more children.

What about you? This must be limiting for you.

It is. That's the problem.

If Mary and I hadn't moved in, you'd be in different places now.

We'd be married.

We'd be divorced. You saved us a fortune.

Joke all you want, but Mary needs a more normal environment.

She's very confused and, to be honest, so am I.

OK, I'll live up to my responsibility.

-You want to marry me?

-Jack, be serious.

I am being serious! We've had a child together.

What do you say?

Want to sleep on it?

She did that once before, Jack.

Hey, shut up!

Do you want to marry me?

No.

No?

But thank you for asking.

Phew!

-That was a close one.

-Jack, you're a wonderful man and a great father, but you'd be a terrible husband.

-I can live with that.

-Besides, I don't love you.

Not romantically. You don't love me either, not like that.

-How do you know?

-I know.

-Maybe he does.

No, he can't fool me. He's not that good an actor.

-I know you too well.

-I could fool you.

-Never!

I never know what to do with my hands.

-My hands are always giving me away.

-Look.

I didn't come down here expecting you to draw straws for me.

I'm just telling you a lot of things are changing. It's time we face it.

KNOCK AT DOOR Come in.

Oh, Peter! Is Mary all right?

She's fine.

Last time you came to the theatre, she had a raisin in her ear.

-Actually, that was Jack who put the raisin in her ear.

-I should've known.

That's a very pretty dress.

Thank you.

-What brings you here?

-You.

-Me?

-Yeah, I was thinking about what you said.

You're right. We haven't been paying enough attention to your needs.

There's something that I wanted to say to you without Michael and Jack around.

What is it?

Well, I think you should get married and have more kids.

If they're anything like Mary, you should have a dozen.

I just wanted you to know that.

-Whatever you decide, I'll support you.

-Is that all?

Well, make sure you pick the right guy! Don't just rush into it.

I'm not rushing into anything.

That's what everybody thinks when they're doing it.

This is a huge step.

Maybe it's time we take some huge steps.

Picking the wrong person is the worst mistake.

-Believe me, I know.

-Do you?

-How many times have you been married?

-Once.

What?

When?

We've spent all this time together, and you've never told me.

Well, it was a long time ago for about an hour.

Do Jack and Michael know?

-Jack knows.

-No-one else?

My ex-wife has a dim recollection.

Obviously, it was a wonderful experience for you(!)

One that can never be equalled, not without bloodshed.

Are you ready, darling? Oh, sorry, Peter, I didn't know you were here.

-Hello, darling.

-I was just leaving, Edward.

-Think about it.

-I will.

We can't force Sylvia to marry somebody we choose for her.

All we're saying is that she wants to get married, that's a given,

so let's introduce her to some nice guys, let nature take its course.

If it's a friend, it'll make things easier on us.

That's true.

-Good. Read the list.

-OK. Carl.

Carl is too short.

He won't be a threat to Mary.

Because she's bigger than he is.

What about Bill?

-I like Bill.

-So do I. But don't we need someone a little more elegant?

Moose? Probably not.

Denny. Denny's a great idea.

-Denny's always broke.

-What about Jim?

Jim? Someone a little more mature than Mary would be preferable.

-These are slim pickings.

-Glad I'm not a lady searching for a husband!

-I'm looking better all the time.

-Greg?

-Too young.

-Matt.

-Too old.

-Trevor.

-Too fat.

Bill? Billy-Bob? Billy-Joe.

-Peter, we're not asking you to marry the guy.

-What about Edward?

He's English.

So is Sylvia.

Nah, that's one of those actor-director things.

They never last. Trust me.

You know what I'm thinking?

What?

I'm thinking I'd like to have another child.

Maybe two more.

Maybe even a dozen!

I'd like to have children.

Really? You didn't before.

I must be growing up.

No, I thought you liked those opening night parties,

the hotels, the stars! I thought that was the best part.

I lied. You're the best part.

I love you, Sylvia Bennington.

Marry me.

I'm getting married.

I'm getting married! I'm...I'm...

I'm getting married.

Ah, no!

-Sylvia, there's no more milk.

-I'm getting married.

Don't overreact. I can get some milk.

Jack, I think she's serious.

-You serious?

-I'm very serious.

-You're getting married?

-Yes.

-To someone specific?

-No, to the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.

We spent all night and couldn't come up with squat.

What do you mean?

Never mind.

-Who is he?

-Edward.

-Yes.

Sweetheart, come on, he's a director.

-Why him?

-Because he asked me, and because I love him.

I've got so much to do. We're being married in England.

-When?

-As soon as possible.

Edward's directing Midsummer Night's Dream and I'll be doing it with him.

-Anything in it for me?

-Jack, come on!

Aren't you happy for me?

-Yeah, yeah, of course, we are.

-Of course. Thrilled!

-How many times does a lady get married, huh?

-Two, three times at the most?

No, just once for me, thank you.

Where are you going to live?

London.

London, England?

No, London, New Jersey(!)

And Mary?

I'm taking Mary with me.

Mommy, I can't find Sabrina. >

I'll be right there, darling.

Look, I know this is sudden.

It's not easy for me, either.

I love you all very, very much.

I'm counting on you.

I really need your understanding.

I think it's the best thing for everyone, so try and support me in this, will you?

Moving to London?

I don't want to go to England.

I know, but sometimes, we gotta do things

that seem kinda hard at first.

-Most of the time they turn out to be great.

-No, they don't.

Sure, they do. Like you.

What do you mean?

When you first showed up, we weren't sure we'd like you.

-Why not?

-All you did was eat, sleep and cry.

Look how great it turned out.

But I'll never see you again.

Of course you will. We'll come visit you and you can visit us.

-Not every day.

-No, not every day.

I'll tell you what. Close your eyes.

-I don't want to.

-Come on, close your eyes.

Are you cheating? Are they closed?

-OK. Can you see us?

-No.

Then you're not looking hard enough.

Look real hard...

way in the back there.

Can you see us now?

-Yeah, I can see you.

-There you go.

What are we doing? Michael's drawing.

What's Jack doing?

Jack's looking in the mirror.

You are watching basketball on TV,

yelling at Jack for not cleaning up the kitchen.

See? That sounds about right to me.

That's all you gotta do. When you need us, close your eyes real tight.

You look for us...

and we'll be right there with you.

Sit on my lap.

-Remember, don't open it unless you're prepared to love and care for what's in it.

-What is it?

-You won't know until you open it.

-You're wonderful with her.

Broadway's nothing compared to children - toughest audience in the world!

-Glad you could come, Edward.

-Good to see you, Peter.

Michael, I adored your cartoon this morning.

What astonishes me is the way a satirist, like yourself, can draw

in one frame, what it takes two or three hours in a play to accomplish.

I like to think I touch upon the deeper issues of society.

And Jack! Jack, how are you?

Unemployed.

I meant to explain why I didn't cast you when you auditioned for me.

You don't have.... It's all right.

-Why didn't you?

-No, that's all right.

I realized that Jack is far too...

large an actor for that part.

Your comic expertise would've thrown the play out of balance.

I loved your last commercial, by the way.

-Oh, yeah, the laxative one.

-You were hysterical.

I don't want to sound conceited,

but a lot of people say that when they watched it, they believed I was constipated.

As I did. Truly.

Hey, thanks. That means a lot to me.

I think we need drinks.

I think we need shovels.

JACK LAUGHS

This is crazy! All I'm doing is talking about myself.

Can I fill your drink up for you, Ed?

-You don't mind if I call you Ed, do you?

-Not at all.

-I opened my present.

-You did?

-What is it?

-A picture of a horse.

-You've got to love and care for that horse.

-It's only a picture.

That's my kind of horse.

Here, it's only a picture, but back in England, it's a real horse.

-It is?

-You got her a real horse?

Thank Edward.

Thank you, Edward.

Jack, Edward gave me a horse!

You've made her day, her year.

Edward? It can be dangerous to bargain for a child's affection.

I'm sorry?

Would anyone like my liver mousse hors d'oeuvres?

You buy her a horse, what's next?

Two horses? Three horses?

They're made from fresh goat liver.

Then what? A motorcycle, a car?

Pete, put one in your mouth.

-No, thank you. Where does it end?

-I see your point.

You've never been around a kid before, have you?

No. Like yourself, I've never had a child of my own.

Raising a child is not as easy as it looks.

It doesn't look easy at all.

It isn't. They see through people quicker than adults do.

I think we should eat.

I'm sorry about Peter. I don't know what he thought he was doing.

I can handle him.

My favourite was when he said he really thought Jack was constipated in that commercial.

-Can you believe that?!

-What a crock.

-Are you saying you didn't think I was constipated? Is that what you're saying?

-No.

-And you?

-Don't take it personally.

What do you know about acting?

Let's see you act constipated!

-Go on, act constipated.

-Peter.

What you did today was totally uncalled-for!

-What did I do?

-Don't give me that. You acted like a spoilt child!

Well, I don't like the guy.

You never gave him a chance.

He's not the right father for Mary.

No-one supposes that he's as perfect as you are.

I'm only thinking of Mary.

No, you're not! You're only thinking of yourself,

how you're going to miss Mary, how someone else will be with her when you're not.

You haven't once thought of what she or I need out of this.

-That's not true.

-Do you know how hard today was for me?

It was very hard. All I needed was a little support from you.

Instead, all I got was a helping of your bruised ego!

-You are a selfish...!

-I'm selfish?

I didn't leave my baby on a doorstep when she was six months old.

DOOR SLAMS

Really starting to hate each other.

Nah, don't kid yourself.

I still love the first woman who hit me.

Do you remember the day that I got Sabrina and you left her on the bus?

Remember that?

Do you remember the day she fell in the pond in Central Park?

-You dropped her in the pond when you were smiling at that lady.

-I did?

Oh, right, yes, I did. I forgot that.

Anyway. See, me and Sabrina have this, well, we have a connection.

So when you're in England with Sabrina, it will be like,

like you're there with me. Deal?

Will you miss me?

Will I miss you? Mary, I love you.

You're the most perfect thing I've ever done in my entire life.

What do you mean? Some day I'll explain that,

but right now I think you should go back to bed. OK?

I'll see you later.

-Well...

-There, sweetie.

I'm gonna miss you.

I'm going to miss you too.

OK, sweetie.

OK, now.

You be a strong little girl.

And you help your mother, right?

I will.

OK.

-Call when you get there.

-We will.

-You going to the wedding?

-Nope.

-You?

-No. I got deadlines.

-You?

-No. No, I have that TV movie in Brazil.

Besides, I don't think I could watch Sylvia getting married.

It'd be like watching our family end.

Let's have a party.

Yeah? What kind of party?

What kind? The kind we used to throw all the time.

I like that idea.

We could even have it on a school night.

Yeah, it'd be like our return to bachelorhood.

EIGHTIES MUSIC PLAYS

-Hey!

-Hi, how are you?

-Is this fun or what?

-Yeah!

We got to make up for lost time here, fellas.

Tell you what, why don't I take the blondes?

I'll take the brunettes.

I guess that leaves me the redheads.

Excuse me. Would you like to dance?

-Sure.

-All right, I gotta warn you.

-You're gonna have to keep up with me. I'm one hell of a dancer.

-Oh!

-JEANS RIP Ah!

-Are you OK?

Oh, don't worry.

Look. Every picture, she gets cuter and cuter.

-Did I tell you what Mary said last year?

-Only until May.

I'm gonna get a drink, and then we can start on what she said in June.

I did some of the work myself.

-I got all of the furniture...this bookcase is from a farm.

-Where?

What did you say your name was?

-Lucia.

-I'm Peter.

The farm was in Vermont. It's old, it's from the 18th century.

I like it. When are you gonna paint it?

Wanna dance?

# Get up, people and get down to it... #

DANCE TRACK STOPS # Rubber duckie, you're the one

# You make bathtime lots of fun

# Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond of you

# Bo-bo, bo di oh

# Rubber duckie, joy of joys

# When I squeeze you, you make noise

# Rubber duckie, I'm awfully fond... #

Here it is. My speciality, liver mousse and poached eggs.

An attractive combination.

-It's great.

-Don't you like it?

-I love it, but we do have a cook for this sort of thing.

-I like doing it.

Try it, Edward. You'll like it.

Whoever taught you to hold your teacup like that?

I don't know anybody here.

I thought Glenn was coming.

-His kids have measles.

-What about Martha?

She had to stay home and make an asparagus costume for Tommy.

So much for life in the fast lane.

-What are we doing here?

-Having a great time(!) Can't you tell?

-Why aren't we in England?

-Oh, Michael, come on.

I'm tellin' ya.

I spoke to Mary yesterday. I could sense she was not happy.

She said she was having a good time.

I know what I'm talking about.

My parents sent me to camp every summer.

The counsellors made us write postcards home.

I'd be covered in poison ivy, sharing a cabin with a guy who collected farts,

and I'd be praying the whole place would burn to the ground.

But I'd always write what a good time I was having.

Believe me, you guys,

our little girl is miserable.

And I'm going to England. You guys can stay here if you like.

-I'm going.

-THUNDER CRASHES

MUSIC: "Rule Britannia"

-CAR ENGINE WHEEZES

-This thing run on batteries?!

-Last one they had.

-GEARBOX CRUNCHES

I hate England. I always have.

Pete, as long as we're here, let's look on the bright side.

OK. You're right. I'm sorry.

-The toilet paper's like Reynolds Wrap.

-That's a start.

It's so damn cold all the time. The only thing that's warm is the ice.

You know what I hate most? The way they use words like "schedule."

And "vitamins."

-ONCOMING CAR BEEPS

-Other side, Pete!

Damn!

-Want me to drive?

-Relax.

I'm telling you, we're lost.

I haven't seen a road that's marked on this map in 20 minutes.

What's that noise?

Do you think it's the engine?

Uh-uh.

SHEEP BLEAT

The next road that you come to...

I can't hear a word he's saying.

..and go right round the corner till you pass two more...

OK, I got it.

..On your right, you'll see two large trees and a grey stone,

which my wife says reminds her of a tortoise.

Now, in between those trees is a long, narrow road

with a shallow brook running alongside, and a short hedge full of white blossoms.

Now, don't take that road.

Let's get out of here as fast as we possibly can.

Maybe we should have called first.

Nah, don't worry about it.

This'll be more fun.

CAR BACKFIRES

This is it?

-It's so huge.

-Looks like a hotel.

Wow, look at this place.

-Family money.

-Yeah.

Hey. The medieval version of permanent press.

How do you take a leak in one of these things?

Carefully, very carefully.

Come on.

There she is!

Look, it's Michael and Peter!

My life is complete.

-Yay!

-Yeah!

-We missed you!

-Missed you more!

-Welcome.

-It was good of you to come.

-Edward.

-Hi, Edward.

-Hi, Sylvia.

-Where's Jack?

-He's making a movie.

-He got a job?

Yeah, he did.

-We thought we'd surprise you.

-Oh, you certainly did. It's wonderful.

You must stay with us.

-Is that all right with you, darling?

-Of course. Of course.

How did you find us?

-It was no trouble at all.

-I'm not surprised. Everyone knows this house.

I'll show you my horse. His name is Slamdunk.

-Oh, let's go see him!

-You'd probably like to unpack first.

Oh, sure. Sorry.

Barrow, would you show these gentlemen to the guest rooms in the west wing?

Very good, miss.

-Hmm, not bad.

-Nice.

The water closet is in here, sir.

You were very well behaved before.

Well, we're all civilised people.

TRICKLING

< Michael! Peter!

Hey!

What'd you guys bring me?

I don't know. Pete, did we bring anything for Mary?

I can't remember. Maybe you ought to look in that suitcase.

Yeah! Look at that.

-And Jack sent you a make-up case.

-It's just like his!

-Yeah.

Dinner will be served promptly at eight, gentlemen.

-You sure we're not overdressed?

-Trust me. I saw Brideshead Revisited three times.

Has someone died?

Not yet.

Peter, Michael, let me introduce you.

This is Deirdre Coleman, with the Foreign Service, and Wilfred Blair, director of the National Theatre.

-Edward's told me so much about your commune.

-How do you do?

And Reverend Hewitt, who'll be marrying us.

How do you do? Is there any more salmon?

This is Peter Mitchell, Michael Callum, friends of Sylvia's.

-Yes, but is there any more salmon?

-Yes, of course!

Oh, there is Sylvia now.

Peter, there's someone over here I'd love you to meet.

Elspeth, I'd love you to meet Peter Mitchell. Miss Elspeth Lomax.

-Oh. How do you do?

-How do you do?

-Miss Lomax is from Guernsey.

-Oh, where the cows come from.

-Mr Mitchell is...

-An architect.

-Oh. Well, then, do you align yourself with the post-modernists, or are you a bit more of a classicist?

-What?

Prince Charles is having war in this country with...

Ooh! Bang!

Sorry. Um...no, er...

There's some roe on your nose.

Oh, goodness. I'm sorry.

It's all right. What is it that you do?

Me? Well, I'm the headmistress of a girls' school in West Riding.

You may have heard of it.

The Pileforth Academy.

Pileforth?

No, I can't say that I have.

Well, we've been turning out England's finest young ladies since the 18th century.

Excuse me.

-Mary'd like to see us.

-Oh, sorry. Lovely to meet you.

Very nice meeting you.

I think he fancies you.

Don't be such a rogue.

-What makes you say that?

-Well, he asked to meet you.

-I know Peter pretty well.

-Do you?

-A woman has to walk a very fine line with him.

-How so?

She has to make it very clear that she's attracted to him, but she can't come on too strongly.

Say no more.

You ever get the feeling you're being watched?

I make up stories about them.

I think she was on the cover of Rolling Stone last year.

Hey, we brought some super-chunk peanut butter.

-Yeah, we brought some from New York.

-Yeah!

OK. Wait here.

I'll get it.

Oh, Peter.

BOTH SPEAK AT ONCE I'm sorry!

No, what were you gonna say?

Er, is everything all right?

Towels, blankets?

Everything's fine.

You look great.

So do you.

Well, Sylvia...

You know how you,

how you want to say something, and then you don't, and then

by the time you say it, it's been such a long time.

Well, I remember one time Sandra, she used to be my assistant, she never told me this guy called...

Peter, what is it you want to say?

I'm sorry about what I said before you left.

So am I.

I overreacted.

Well, you got a pretty good right hook, but if anybody deserved it, I did.

I was out of line, way out of line.

Ahem. I beg your pardon, miss.

Lady Eastwick is leaving.

I have to go.

Sure, it's all right.

Jack, how's the movie going?

'Oh, it's a fabulous role, Michael. Kind of a South American King Lear'.

Anyway, I don't want to talk about me. Where's Mary?

-'She's asleep'.

-Shoot.

Well, how's she doing? Is she any bigger? Has she got the accent down yet?

She's OK. She missed us.

She misses you, Jack.

Yeah. Tell her I miss her too.

You gonna make the wedding?

I don't know, Michael. You know, I really need the work, and I'm very pivotal to the plot.

Jack, we need you here.

Hey, fruit of the loom? You're on!

I gotta go. Bye-bye.

Not so splendid as your mighty erections, I imagine.

-Did I frighten you?

-I was expecting Mary, that's all.

Little Mary, yes.

What a delightful, if somewhat...wilful, child.

She'll make an excellent Pileforth student.

She's going to your school?

Well, not immediately, no, no, but eventually.

-I'm sorry, but she wouldn't like it.

-What makes you say that?

I just know, that's all. Boarding school is definitely not for her.

Tell me, are you always such a slave to your instincts?

No, not usually.

Don't underestimate what a school like Pileforth can do for a young lady.

After all, I am a Pileforth girl myself.

Oh, that's reassuring.

In fact, I'm going back there this morning.

I was just...wondering whether you'd like to, um, visit.

No. But thank you.

No.

I hope you don't mind my saying this, but you seem to be a little distracted.

Do I?

Well, you're right.

I... I'm very confused right now.

I can't make any sense out of anything.

Really? How do you mean?

-Well, you're a woman.

-You are correct.

Tell me something. How can a man look at a woman and not realise right away how he feels about her?

Do you understand what I'm saying?

Well, I must admit to not being the most worldly of women,

but I can assure you I'm not oblivious of the ways of Eros.

If I'm so attracted to her, why can't I tell her?

Perhaps those of us who have...navigated the river of life singly...

are wary of rocking the punt.

I don't know what to do.

Well, tell her.

Seek the auspicious moment and, um, tell her.

Colder, colder, colder, colder.

Warmer, getting warmer.

Warmer, warmer...

METAL CLANGS

Isn't this fun?

A splendid game.

I can see why so many cherish it.

Warmer, hotter.

Hotter. Very hot! Very hot!

< For God's sake, what have you done now?

I'm terribly sorry, sir!

Do you have any idea how important these letters are?

It's my fault. I made him play.

I told you not to play your games in the house, didn't I?

No, leave them alone! Barrow, get me some towels, will you?

I'm sick of rearranging my life because of a child!

You'll learn some manners at school. Now go to your room!

He doesn't like me.

He's always yelling at me.

He yelled at me this morning when Miss Lomax was measuring me.

When she was what, sweetie?

Measuring me for my new clothes.

What new clothes?

A blue jacket, a patch right here

like the other girls wear.

She means a uniform. Miss Lomax was measuring Mary for a school uniform.

-Why?

-I think Edward's planning on sending Mary to that boarding school.

At six years old? Those places are like reformatories!

I think we should check this out.

OMINOUS MUSIC

Do you like it here?

It's wonderful, sir.

Hi, there.

It's a Stepford school.

-So...the sceptical American has changed his mind and come to judge for himself.

-We had some time.

So we got in the car and came up.

Well, you must be hungry.

Come, let me satisfy your appetite.

What's the usual age of a girl who comes here?

Well, the usual age of an enrolling student is eight.

But we have made exceptions for children as young as six or seven.

That sounds very young.

Yes, but the system has worked for more than 200 years.

We take great care of our girls.

We have a registered nutritionist who supervises all our meals.

Didn't you enjoy your lunch?

I've never tasted anything better.

But you haven't touched it.

This is where the girls sleep.

-Nice.

-Well, it's not exactly the Hilton, but it's certainly conducive to study.

I spent many a happy night in this dormitory.

This is the very room where the late Duke of Pileforth used to kennel his hounds.

-I can tell.

-Look, it's not as cold as it might first appear.

You know, sometimes beneath the most rigid surface lies a surprising...fervour.

What's the matter, darling?

I'm concerned about Mary.

She'll come around. You'll see.

I'm nervous about tomorrow.

Don't you want to get married?

Yes, of course I do. I think so.

Yes, yes, I do. Why do you ask?

Everything's going to be fine.

You're planning on sending Mary to that boarding school!

- What are you talking about? - We went to Pileforth this afternoon.

-He's planning to send her!

-In five or six years, possibly...

-No, not in five or six years, next term!

-That's not true.

He's lying to you.

Rubbish. Then why was Miss Lomax measuring Mary?

-Was she?

-For a uniform.

A gift. She asked me if she could give Mary a blazer.

-Why?

-Because she said that with all the presents Sylvia and I were going to get, Mary might feel left out.

-That's a very sweet thought.

-I thought so.

-What a crock!

Did you come here just to stir up trouble, Mitchell?

Darling, it's just a misunderstanding.

No, it's not a misunderstanding.

I'm telling you, you can't trust this guy. He's lying!

Peter, you have no proof of that.

I don't need any proof!

-I feel it.

-Who bloody cares?

Edward, I made it! I'm here!

Hallelujah.

What...Sylvia, you can't marry this guy.

-Why not?

-Because...

-Tell me, Peter.

I want to know.

For Mary's sake.

You may not like Edward, but I love him and I'm marrying him.

I'd tell you not to come, but Mary would be crushed.

So for her sake, please do come.

But as far as I'm concerned, stay out of my life.

- Hi. - Hi.

Glad to see you haven't lost your touch with women.

Ever think about making an instructional video?

What'd you want to say, Jack?

Look, I know a lot of people don't take me seriously.

They think I'm conceited, self-centred, I can't see anything except if it's happening to me.

-Please correct me if I'm wrong.

-I will.

Look, Pete,

I've lived with you for seven years now.

I know you as well as anybody, better.

These last five years with Mary and Sylvia and Michael and me,

you have been the glue that kept us together.

We depended on you.

We made you the father, and it worked.

But it's kept you from admitting how you feel about Sylvia.

You love her, don't you?

Why do you say that?

Don't you?

Oh, come on, Pete. Just say how you feel.

-OK, I love her!

-Damn, I knew it!

I wish they had a category like this on Jeopardy. I'd clean up.

-OK, Pete, what's holding you back?

-I don't know.

-You know!

-I don't know!

-Well, you, for one.

-Me?

Yeah, you're Mary's real father.

-So?

-Well, you're my best friend, too.

And you and Sylvia are kissing all the time.

You always tell her how much you love her.

That's just actor stuff.

-Well, I always figured you and she would eventually...

-You were there.

I asked her. She said no. She said I didn't love her that way.

She was right too. I don't.

Not that I couldn't fool her.

But the point is that you do love her that way, and she loves you!

-She loves me?

-Yes!

-Then why is she marrying Edward?

-Because you never asked her!

-Yeah, but you...

-But what, Pete?

I'm scared.

Of what,

-getting married again?

-Yes!

I love Sylvia. OK, I said it. I love her so much it's making me crazy.

But I'm scared of screwing up, like I did the last time.

I'm scared of hurting Sylvia. And Mary, and you, and Michael...and me.

It's tough being Papa Bear, isn't it?

I love you. You're a very special man.

If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you.

If you love her, you've gotta go for it.

You can make it work, believe me.

You're a good friend.

I'm a great friend.

I'm going back to Pileforth!

-Maybe you should think this through again.

-I think too much.

-He does.

-Don't try and talk me out of it. I love Sylvia.

OK, then tell her that!

-She's not gonna listen till I prove the guy's a fraud.

-How are you gonna do that?

Well, there's gotta be records or files to show that he's sending Mary there.

-Suppose you're wrong?

-What have I got to lose?

Your words, Jack, "If you want something, go for it."

-Jack!

-Ah!

There you are. Baby doll!

I knew you would come. I told Sabrina you would.